Good Neighbor Sam (1964) - full transcript

- Hi.
- Hello.

- You awake yet?
- No,

but I will be
as soon as you give me another kiss.

Sam, the kids'll be pounding at the door
any minute,

and besides,
my mother is coming to take them to camp.

- Sam.
- Hello, Mommy. Hello, Daddy.

Good morning, Mommy.

You're supposed to knock.
Go outside, girls, close the door and knock.

- Can we come in?
- No.

Silly old Sam. Come on, babies. Come on.

How are my babies?



- You smell so good.
- Their energy is beyond belief.

- Mom?
- Give me a big fat kiss.

Hello, Daddy.

Sam, I'll put on the coffee.

Jenna, you wanna help me with the knives
and forks and raisin bread?

Hooray for camp.

Good morning, Mrs. Bissell.

- What a beautiful day, isn't it?
- Morning, Mrs. Bissell.

Hi.

- Hey, good morning, Harry. How are you?
- Fine, fine.

Shut up, will you!

- All right.
- Is everything okay?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right, be quiet, will you?



Sam! Sam!

Sam! Hey, Sam, you awake in there?

For heaven's... Yeah.

Sam?

- What?
- Hiya. Morning, Sam.

Hey, I just returned your lawnmower.
Thanks a lot. And your duck.

That thing got loose again.
You know what happened?

This duck got stuck in our breakfast nook
with no one to talk to but my wife.

I know exactly how it feels, baby.

The same thing happened to me once.
Hey, Sam, about your lawnmower.

Very much appreciate it
if you'd get your cutter blade sharpened

by next weekend, okay, pal?

You need a ride downtown?

Min is gonna take me down. Thanks, Earl.

All right.
Well, see you at the office later, pal.

And don't go
without your shoes and stockings.

- It may get cold.
- Well, she's done it again, Jenna.

Listen, honey,
this is about the fifth time I've told you.

When you let Gretchen out in the morning
to play with her,

- put her back in the pen. Now, not again.
- It won't happen again.

Sweetie, I didn't have time to fix your eggs.
I will as soon as I get this stuff packed.

- Denise, let your grandmother in, honey.
- Okay.

That's a lot of stuff
for those two kids to be taking to camp.

- I know, but they need clothes.
- Hello, Grandma.

And they gotta have all their toys.

- Hello.
- Hi, Mother.

Hi, Min. My goodness,
they're taking all that to camp?

- Hello, Sam.
- Edna.

Not dressed yet?

Hi, Mother. Gee, it's sweet of you
to take the kids to camp.

- I've gotta go to the airport to pick up...
- Hello, Grandma.

Hello.

- What were you saying?
- I've gotta go to the airport

to pick up this old school chum of mine,
Janet Lagerlof.

She's coming in from Europe this morning.

- How's Sam getting to work?
- Well, I'm gonna take him to the office.

He can ride home with Earl.
Here's some coffee.

Come on, babies, eat your cereal.

Drink all your juice
or you're not going to camp.

Sam's made another one, huh?

For the life of me, I can't understand
why Sam builds these silly things.

He enjoys it, Mother. That's reason enough.
Sam's building a big mobile out in the patio.

Where the neighbors can see it?

For heaven's sake.

- You like it?
- Like it? What the hell is it?

It's free-form sculpture, like my others.
Only this is a masterpiece.

And when we have guests,
they can sit in the living room

and watch it move from there.

- You want me to turn it on for you?
- No, thank you.

Isn't that Jenna's old bicycle frame in there?

- Well, yeah.
- And there's part of Min's sewing machine.

Yeah, well, you see, you're supposed
to enjoy this as a total entity.

You're not supposed to try and pick out
individual parts.

- That's not the idea.
- I see.

See, the idea of found-object sculpture
is to find beauty and enjoyment

out of an arrangement
of ordinary, everyday objects.

Sam, dear,
if fooling with junk makes you happy,

then I say do it,
no matter what anyone says.

- Thank you.
- Mother, you haven't finished your coffee.

Thank you, darling.
We were just discussing Sam's junkyard.

Isn't it wonderful?
Sam is so clever with his hands.

I just love it. Sam, it's a real work of art.

I don't know a thing about art.
I just know what I don't like.

She didn't mean it.
Mother, why do you say those things?

Will you help me get the kids ready?

- Who asked you?
- Sam!

Honey, it's time to kiss them goodbye.
They're ready.

- Jenna, that's not nice.
- Goodbye, kids.

- There, honey, you look fine.
- Give me a kiss.

- You look real sweet.
- Be a good girl there.

- Bye-bye, darling.
- Goodbye, honey.

- Okay, in you get.
- Goodbye, Sam.

- Be good girls, now.
- Be careful, now.

- Do everything the counselors tell you.
- We will.

- And have fun 'cause it costs a fortune.
- Don't lose your dolly.

Watch your leg. Okay. Goodbye, Edna.

- Drive slowly, will you, please?
- Bye-bye.

- Bye.
- Bye.

I tell you, there's nothing like
a good old-fashioned grandmother

for the kids to remember.

Now, come on, dear. I gotta get dressed.
You gotta get dressed.

I'm late for work.

I can't tell you how excited I am
about seeing Janet again.

It's been I don't know how many years
since I've seen her.

She has a marvelous accent, Sam.

She was raised in Europe
and came over here for college.

That's how we met.

Sam, would you mind
if I brought her home for dinner tonight?

Sam?

Sam, have you heard
anything I've been saying?

Do you realize
that I've been in the same traffic jam,

going to the same job
every day for six years,

and so have they?

Every day, all the husbands, we get up

and we take the same road
into the same job.

We even dress alike.
We put on the gray suit and the hat

and that button-down shirt
and the tie and the... It's like sheep.

Sam, that's not true.

You're not like anybody else.
And you're not a sheep.

You've got character. And I love you.

I wonder what's holding them up?

Sam, did you say something?

Here we go.

Well, I'm off to the airport, honey.
See you tonight.

- Yeah, goodbye, dear.
- Sam, are you depressed about something?

No, I'm just bored, I guess, going to work.

You know, it's the same job
and the same people, the same faces

and the same community pigpen
for an office,

doing the same stupid layouts
for the same stupid ads, and the...

Sam, we do have two beautiful children,
and we have to make a home for them.

I know that. It's just one of those days
and don't worry about it

- 'cause I'm gonna be all right. Goodbye.
- Goodbye. Is Earl gonna drive you home?

Yeah. Goodbye, dear.

- Morning, Min.
- Hi, Earl.

- Hi.
- Hi, Sam.

- Have a good day, honey.
- Bye, dear.

- Hey, Phil, what's in the papers?
- Help yourself.

Obviously, we weren't
watching the same show.

Come on, now. Let's not be foolish about it.
Let's go.

- Morning, boys.
- Morning, Mr. Burke.

- Morning, Sonny.
- Morning, Mr. Burke.

- Morning, Larry.
- Morning, Mr. Burke.

- Morning, Earl.
- Morning, Mr. Burke.

- Morning, Phil.
- Morning, Mr. Burke.

Morning.

- Name?
- Bissell. Art Department.

Morning, Bissell.

Good morning, Mr. Burke.

Larry, I looked at that draft last night.

- Good morning, Mr. Burke.
- Good morning, Marsha.

- Morning, Marsha.
- Good morning, everybody.

- Morning, Mr. Blatchford.
- Morning.

Morning, Mr. Boling. Good morning, Sam.

Boys, boys. Just one moment, please.

Now, let's all stay on the ball today,
shall we?

Now, Mr. Nurdlinger is coming in
for a look-see at our billboard campaign,

- as you know.
- Yes.

Now what we want to do is
to edge him in with the billboard campaign,

and then later,
we'll slip him into some nice TV spots,

like our Hertz
"man in the driver's seat" commercials.

All right, let's give him a good show today,
shall we?

We're ready for him, sir.

- The red carpet all the way, Mr. Burke.
- No problems, Chief.

Thank you, boys. Thank you. Good morning.

- Good morning, Gloria.
- Good morning, Mr. Burke.

- Good morning, girls.
- Morning, Mr. Bissell.

- Good morning.
- Good morning.

All right, fellows, we're going for a take.
Now settle down.

Freeze off back there, please.
No walking around.

Close that big door over there,
will you, please?

- Dave, you ready up there?
- You ready, Bob?

- Okay, roll it, please.
- Roll it, Jim.

Here you go, Stu.

And action.

Here we go. Two bars for nothing.
One, two, one, two, three.

Let Hertz put you in the driver's seat

Let Hertz take you anywhere at all

By the hour, by the day
By the week or any way

Just let Hertz put you in the driver's seat

- Let Hertz put you...
- No! Cut!

What are you doing up there, you bum?

Listen, boss, this is the best I can do.
I can't do any better than that.

- Put him in the driver's seat.
- That's the first one I've dropped all year.

Dave, I'm very sorry. Next time...

- Testing, one, two, three.
- Okay, how are those wires up there?

I'm sorry I'm late, Mr. Verneer.

- Vernier.
- Vernier, yeah. Kids, camp...

- Hi, Sam.
- Hi.

- Hello, Sam.
- Hi, guys.

Now just imagine,
if you will, Mr. Nurdlinger,

those signs blown up on your billboards
20 times over,

and look how effective they are
with the lights on them.

Sonny, I'd like to congratulate you
on the artwork. It was brilliant.

- It grabs me, if I'm any judge.
- Darn good commercial empathy there.

Thank you. I felt it was simple
and punched across our point.

"For the masculine way of life,
Nurdlinger eggs."

You know, what it has?
It's got just the right curve.

We imply it without actually
hitting them over the head with it.

You see, Mr. Nurdlinger,
what we're gearing up to here

is to touch
that psychological nerve in all men,

the symbol of masculinity and fertility,
the egg!

- You know, Harve, I like it.
- Well thought out.

Hey, I don't know about you fellows,

but after seeing this,
I'm gonna have eggs for lunch.

He's going to have eggs for lunch.
That's rich, Phil. That's rich.

Well, sir, what do you think?

- You want to know what I think?
- Yes.

I think it's an abomination. Pure filth.
I'm not a prudish man, sir,

but I believe that the Almighty gave us
good, clean, married, conjugal love

for the purpose of raising families,
not to sell eggs with dirty, salacious ads!

Unchastity, venery,
wenching and fleshly lust.

Is that the image
that you have of my company?

- Certainly not...
- Look at that bustline!

Harlots and popinjays to sell eggs?

I tell you what I think of you.
I think you're all rotten to the core,

and I think
I've chosen the wrong advertising agency.

Just a minute, Mr. Nurdlinger!
We are all good, clean, family men here.

Now don't try to fool me, sir.
I'm an old man but I'm nobody's fool, sir.

Good clean-living family men.
Miss Halverson.

I've run checks
on you clean-living family men.

There are dossiers on each of you.

Mr. Blatchford, Mr. Reisner,
Mr. Trilling, Mr. Burke.

Mr. Boling,
the Nurdlinger account executive.

Little trips to Oakland
twice a week, Mr. Boling?

- Young secretary named...
- Now, see here...

It's all here. All of you just as bad,

libertinism and liquor,
impurity and wantonness.

Well, no, thank you, sir.

We're good, clean, family men
at Nurdlinger Farms,

and I won't have our company represented
by bawds and lechers and libertines.

Come along.

Mr. Nurdlinger, we are quite flexible.
Now that we have the true picture...

That was just one of a dozen good ideas.

We could animate some eggs,
Mr. Nurdlinger.

Mr. Nurdlinger, we're very flexible.

Please, sir, give us another chance
now that we've got the true picture.

I don't want that dirty man
on my advertising account.

Mr. Nurdlinger,
you can have anyone you want.

We have a whole office full of good,
upright, clean-living family men, sir.

You wouldn't recognize
a clean-living family man if you saw one.

- We're very flexible.
- Mr. Nurdlinger, give us another crack at it.

Mr. Nurdlinger,
we are nothing if not facile here.

Mister... Mister... Mister... Mister...

Just one more chance.

I am not going to take this lying down.

There is a $600,000 account at stake.
Now, please, come up with somebody.

There must be someone
in this whole, vast organization

who can pass moral muster.

A good husband, a good neighbor,
a normal, everyday family man.

- Yes, what is it, Bissell?
- Mr. Verneer, I've come to a decision.

- Vernier.
- Mr. Vernier, I've come to a decision.

I will have been here six years
as of next week.

I've been pretty patient
about waiting for a promotion.

I just feel I'm not getting anywhere
with my career.

Take it up with personnel.

Well, I've made my mind up.
I wanna talk to Mr. Burke.

You must be sick, Bissell.

Nobody talks directly to Mr. Burke
about a promotion.

Hello. Oh, yes. Yes, sir. Who?

Mr. Bissell is here, sir.

Send him right in, Gloria.
What's his first name?

- Sam.
- Sam.

- Hello, Sam.
- Hi, pal.

- How are you, boy?
- How's the family, Sam?

- We're fine, sir.
- Sam, I've just been telling old Harve,

Mr. Burke, all about you and Min
and the kids and the ducks

and those crazy things,
you know, you build.

Junk sculpture. It's sort of a hobby of mine.

Better than some of the hobbies
I could mention around here.

Sam, won't you sit down?

- Sit down, Sam.
- Thank you, sir.

Now, let's talk a little cold turkey.

Sam, what we have here at Burke & Hare,

is nothing if not a completely
democratic type of organization.

You see, we like to help young people
do bigger things.

So, I said to the fellows,

"Fellows, let's look around
for a young, energetic,

"clean-living, family-type,

"nice fellow to head up
the Nurdlinger Dairy accounts."

And, Sam, I'll bet you a dollar to a donut
you can't guess who we came up with.

Who?

Mr. Nurdlinger? This is Sam Bissell.

- How do you do, Mr. Bissell?
- How do you do, sir?

Show Mr. Nurdlinger
those snapshots of your children, Sam.

Yeah.

That's Denise and there's Jenna. Our duck.

- You keep ducks?
- Yes, he loves animals.

Dogs, cats, ducks, you name it.

His whole life revolves around his family
and that duck.

Now don't try
and pull anything over on me, sir.

I'll have him investigated, too.

This is the genuine article, Mr. Nurdlinger.

A good husband, good neighbor,

a clean-living family man
if you ever met one.

Well, come along, Bissell.
We'll give you the indoctrination tour.

Go ahead, Sam.

Takes about five minutes
to milk the average cow.

Milk flows through
those stainless steel tubes

into the holding tanks,
then it's pasteurized and bottled

without human hands touching it.

Now, that's the image we want to convey.

A responsible firm
dealing in a wholesome, superior product.

I don't pretend to know anything
about advertising,

but what I can do
is to give you a true picture

of what our company stands for.

We're plain, everyday people
dealing in a plain, clean, everyday product.

We deal in chickens, eggs and milk.
Simplicity, purity, truth.

Perhaps, Mr. Bissell,
just a plain white billboard,

and across it in plain gold letters,
"Nurdlinger's eggs have bigger yolks."

Simplicity.

And in the upper left hand corner,
a picture of me.

- Truth!
- What do you think of it?

It's something to put in the forge
and maw on a little, I'd say.

- I like it.
- So do I.

I do, too.

All right, Mr. Bissell,
what do you think of the idea?

Frankly, sir, I don't like it at all.

What are we talking about here?
We're talking about milk, correct?

The simplest and most basic of foods.

I think advertising should be
just as simple and basic

as the product that you're trying to sell.

I think we ought to strip away
the sham and pretension from advertising.

Who buys your products,

your eggs and your milk and chickens,
Mr. Nurdlinger?

Why, people.

Exactly. People, just human beings.
Ordinary, plain people.

I think we ought to,
maybe have candid shots of people,

and real people, not actors or models,
and put them up on the billboard.

And the copy should simply read,

"Mr. And Mrs. Godfrey Hotchkiss"
or whatever their name might be,

"say Nurdlinger products are better."
And that's all. Period.

Order up the billboards, Burke.
I buy it 100%.

In the face of such honesty and truth,
I feel somewhat diminished.

- Beautiful conception.
- Clean and true. Genius!

This may start a whole new trend
in advertising.

You're my man.

Trans World Airlines Starstream
flight 871 Royal Ambassador service...

- Jan! Oh, my gosh, I can't believe it.
- How are you? I'm so happy to see you.

- You look wonderful.
- You're wonderful yourself.

- Mink. Is that real?
- Yes.

Where'd you get that suit? It's marvelous.

- I picked it up in Paris on the way over.
- In Paris?

- Have you been living in Paris?
- Yes. Well, I'll tell you all about it.

- Let's get my luggage and let's have a lunch.
- Marvelous. Such a good idea.

Listen, you haven't met Sam.

Gosh, I am so envious of you,
living all over the world.

- What a life you lead. Do you realize?
- No complaints. I adore my life.

Remember when I always said in school,
"There's some girls born to be single."

Well, I'm one of them. I just love being free.

Not that marriage isn't good for other girls.
It obviously agrees with you, Min.

You know, I expected you to look
all married and plump and I don't know.

You're divine.

I felt so bad when I heard about
you and Howard getting a divorce.

I don't know,
somehow I expected you to look different.

What? With dark circles
under my tearstained eyes?

- Something like that, yeah.
- I'll tell you something, Min,

every girl should be
married to Howard Ebbets at least once.

It is like hitting your head against a wall.
It feels so good when it stops.

Leaving him was the most wonderful thing
ever happened to me.

It absolutely restored my faith in divorce.

But looking at you, all so happy
and shining and... I don't know.

Wait till you meet Sam. You'll understand.

- Thanks, Earl.
- Yeah.

Hey, I wish I could see Min's face
when you tell her.

- Thanks again.
- Hey, remember, think milk.

- Yeah. See you tomorrow.
- All right.

Hey, honey, guess what?

Where are you? Min?

Dear!

Min! Dear! These are for you.
Don't think I'm crazy.

We're gonna celebrate.
The most wonderful thing happened today.

It's amazing. I went into the office,
you know, and I was gonna ask for a...

You must be Sam.
I'm Min's friend, Janet. Janet Lagerlof.

- How do you do, Mrs. Lagerlof?
- How do you do?

I mean, Lagerlof is only my maiden name.

Till my divorce is final,
I am still Mrs. Howard Ebbets.

- How do you do, Mrs. Ebbets?
- How do you do?

- Nice to see you.
- Nice to see you.

Well, look,
I don't wanna disturb your shower.

- Can I get you anything? Soap?
- No, no. Thank you. I have everything.

Washcloth? Well, make yourself at home.

- Thank you.
- Oh, my goodness.

- Min. It's terrible.
- Hi, honey. I didn't know you were home.

Never been more embarrassed in my life.

Just made a fool out of myself
with your friend Janet in the shower there.

- In the shower?
- In the shower.

What the heck is she doing here anyway?

Well, now, Sam, I invited her.
Now don't be like that.

I want her to meet you.

- Well, it's kind of...
- She's my guest.

Jan, Jan, I guess there's really no point
in introducing you two.

- No.
- But, Jan, this is my husband, Sam.

Sam, this is Janet.

- We've met.
- Yes.

- I'm very sorry about that.
- Don't be. I think it's divine.

Tell me, does he come home every evening
with roses?

- For me?
- No. Yeah.

- Well, it's a special occasion.
- Why?

You see, I've been trying
to tell somebody this ever since I got home.

Dear, you're looking
at the new account executive

for the Nurdlinger Dairy account.

- Me, today.
- Sam.

- Yeah.
- I don't believe it.

- That's...
- Wait. I got some champagne to celebrate.

But I don't know what it is,
an account executive?

It's a very important job.

He has charge of all the advertising
from his company.

Honey, when did you find out?

I was going up to the office
to ask for a raise,

and before I could say anything,
Mr. Burke just gave me the job.

I guess, I don't know.
Nurdlinger is a very strange old guy,

and I guess he just kind of likes me.

- Does Earl know?
- Does he know?

He almost hit five phone poles
on the way home.

He wanted to see your eyes when I told you,
he said.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

To my wonderful friends,
their love, their home and your new job.

- Congratulations, honey.
- Thanks, dear.

Good. Hey, I have a marvelous idea.
Why don't we celebrate

- and go out to dinner tonight?
- Yes.

Yeah, fine. Go ahead. You two get dressed

- and then I'll shave afterwards.
- Yes. Okay.

- You can use the shower now, Min.
- That's marvelous.

Min, I'll keep Sam company.

- Sam. Sam, where are you?
- Out here.

Sam!

- You like it?
- It's marvelous.

It's wonderful. It's so imaginative.
And that, and that!

Sam, you know,
it's almost like Jean Tinguely in Paris.

- Do you know him?
- Well, thank you.

- You're a genius. Absolutely genius.
- Creative junkie is what I am.

- Junkie? It's not junk. It's beautiful.
- Thank you.

- You wanna see how it works?
- Yes.

Well, you wait a minute while I tighten
this up. I'll give you a preview.

Sam, you and Minnie are so sweet.

I'm so happy
that we're going to be neighbors.

What neighbors?
What do you mean neighbors?

- You don't know it?
- What?

- She didn't tell you?
- No.

- I rented the house this afternoon.
- What, the Goodsen place?

- Yes.
- Well, I'll be.

I'm staying in San Francisco for a while,
and I'm sick from hotels,

and Min and I, we had two bottles of wine,
and it seemed a good idea.

- Now it's even a better one.
- Well, I think it's a great idea.

We've got two things to celebrate now,

- my new account and our new neighbor.
- Yes. My new neighbors.

- Thank you. Now, you ready?
- Yes.

Cross your fingers.

Beautiful.

Sam, it's beautiful.

Sam!

- Wonderful.
- Life is wonderful.

To you.

I think we should go out more often.

- More wine, sir? More wine?
- Yeah, good thinking.

- Say, I have a wonderful idea.
- Yeah?

Why doesn't Jan spend the night with us?

That way she'll be there in the morning
when the moving vans arrive.

Very good thinking.
And listen, Jan, if you need any furniture,

I've got amazing stuff in the back of my...

Jan has loads of furniture
from her grandfather.

Yes, he died two weeks ago, Sam,

and I'm the closest living relative,
so I inherited a whole gloomy mansion

full of furniture
and heaven knows what else.

That's why I came to San Francisco,
to settle up his estate.

- Do you think he left you any money?
- No. I'll know it tomorrow.

The lawyers are coming over to talk.

Listen, we are not here
to talk about lawyers.

Let's speak about our account executive.

Oui. Hey, you know, I'm having fun.

- Hey, waiter?
- Yes, sir?

- Could we have one more bottle, please?
- Certainly.

Sam, don't you think
maybe we'd better have dinner?

- Yeah, one more round, dear.
- Okay.

- Right.
- Cheers.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

So I told Mr. Nurdlinger, I said
"Nurdlie..." No, I said,

"I'm a plain, simple, clean-loving
family man, and I love my little old wife,

"and I love my little old kids,
and I love my little old ducks,

"and I love my little old neighbors,
and I love my little new neighbor, too."

Well, I told him. I just said, "Mr. Nurdlinger,

"the simplest and most basic thing
in the world is... Is milk."

You know, just good clean-living,
wholesome American milk.

- Sam, I'm just starving.
- Let's order dinner, no?

What a wonderful thing it would be
if the young people of today

could benefit from my example, huh?
Of clean-living.

I'm gonna find young people
and talk to them about clean-living

and how rewarding that can be, boy.

- Sam!
- It's the least I can do, dear.

Jan, we gotta get him out of here.

Excuse me. I'd like to say a few words
about clean-living.

- When I was your age I...
- Excuse us.

Bissell philosophy...

- Wait, dear, I want to speak.
- Come on, sweetie.

They're very nice people.

Don't be afraid of being
just plain, clean-living family.

I'm proud of you.
I'm proud of every last one of you.

And I say to you...

Sam, did you give me the keys?

I'll tell you one thing,
I'm having a great deal of fun,

and whoever said that clean
and wholesome living couldn't be very...

I don't have a pocket.
Are you sure I didn't give them to you?

Would everybody here from Ohio
please raise their hand?

Sam.

- Sam.
- In front of all these people.

- The keys.
- Here, thank you.

Where did we park?

- We were parking... We came in here.
- No, that's wrong.

Sam!

Are you all right? Are you all right, Sam?
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

- I'm terribly... Are you all right?
- Don't be upset. I just fell out of bed.

Just a plain, everyday,
clean-living family man. Oh, my dear.

Hey, kid...

Please, will you put this on the... Thank you.

- Min?
- Morning, Sam.

Min. Hi.

- It was a wonderful evening.
- Yeah. Is Min around?

- Hi, sweetie. How do you feel?
- What happened?

Well, a certain clean-living family man
rolled all the way down the main staircase

in the Fairmont Hotel last night.
It caused quite a commotion.

- Oh, no.
- Yes.

- It's true.
- Janet!

- Hello, darling.
- Sam, please.

- Hello, Mel, how are you?
- Hello. Nice to see you.

- My associates, Mr. Wyeth.
- Hello.

- How are you?
- Mr. Hausner.

How are you?
My neighbors, Mr. Bissell, Mrs. Bissell,

my grandfather's lawyer, Mr. Mellner.

- Pardon me, coming through, please.
- How do you do?

My, but this is a busy place.
We came here to talk, Janet.

- It's a mess.
- Why don't we come over to my house, Jan?

It's nice and quiet. I'll put on some coffee.

- Fine.
- Right this way.

Wait, I'll put this...

The stock and bond portfolios
and the Lagerlof Brewery in Seattle

bring the total considerably higher.

And with the Oakland Brewery
and the corporate holdings in Fresno,

the... Where is that packet, Wyeth?

- Right here, sir. There you are.
- Thank you.

The estate comes to something
in the neighborhood of $15 million.

- Janet!
- $15 million!

- You're a millionairess!
- You're the only millionaire I've ever known.

- I don't believe it.
- Are you sure?

Grandfather lived so simply
in that gloomy little house.

Your grandfather
was a very conservative gentleman

who didn't believe in extravagance.

As a matter of fact,
you are the closest blood relative.

There are, of course, your cousins,
Irene Krupp and Jack Bailey,

who, incidentally, have already
been to see me inquiring about the will.

But I don't think there's any problem there,

provided you effect a reconciliation
with Howard as soon as possible.

Provided I what?

There's a codicil in your grandfather's will
which stipulates

that in order to qualify for the inheritance,
your marriage must be sound and effective.

Therefore, it's simply a matter
of locating your husband...

- My ex-husband.
...and effecting a reconciliation.

Never. Not for any amount of money.

As I remember, Janet,
you were divorced six months ago.

Under California law,
it won't be final for another six months.

I believe we can safely take the position
that you are still married.

- What do you think, gentlemen?
- Well, legally...

- They're not living together...
- Not exactly a legitimate marriage this way...

But I suppose
one could say they were married.

- In effect.
- In effect.

Let's file with
the Probate Commissioner then.

According to law,
Janet is still legally married.

Unless someone points out

that her husband doesn't actually
happen to be living with her.

But, sir, excuse me, if somebody
does find out they aren't living together,

- they could contest the will.
- Who would do a thing like that?

With $15 million at stake, my dear,

relatives come out of the woodwork,
you'll find.

- You mean Irene and Jack?
- Exactly.

How could they possibly know
Howard and I were divorced?

Well, there are such things
as private investigators, you know.

Well, let's not anticipate trouble.

If no one brings up the question of Howard,
things should go smoothly.

The money is legally yours, my dear,

and I'm going to do my best
to see that you get it.

Nice to have met you, Mrs. Bissell.

- It was nice to have met you, sir.
- Goodbye, Mr. Bissell. Come, darling.

Don't you worry one little bit, now.
Everything is going to work out all right.

- It's $15 million.
- $15 million?

$15 million.

- $15 million!
- $15 million!

Jan!

- What does anybody do with all that money?
- Listen, I can't think about the money now.

I have to get that house settled.
Look at that mess.

Well, Jan's right. We gotta help this house
get pulled together.

I'm gonna run and get some coffee.
You guys get started, okay?

This, please, in the bedroom. Thank you.

Hello, dear.

- Hello, Janet.
- It's nice to see you again.

Cousin Irene, cousin Jack, what a surprise.

- I hope we're not intruding.
- No, no, not at all.

You have all of Uncle Otto's furniture.

I'm so glad you got it, dear,
one of his favorite relatives.

And his pet chair.

I remember seeing him sitting in it
just before he died.

Now, now, my dear, don't upset yourself.

- May I sit down?
- Yes, of course. Please, please sit down.

- Where?
- I'm sorry about this.

Yes, right here over here.

You know, I think
I took the wrong turn off the bridge.

- Yes, it is difficult to find.
- I went to the left instead of the right.

I hope we're not intruding.

No, no, no. Please be comfortable.
Sit down, please.

We just dropped by to pay our condolences.

Sad about Uncle Otto.

Loved the old man
just like he was my own father.

- Sweet, dear old gentleman.
- We hoped Howard was around.

Never had the pleasure of meeting him,
you know.

And, yeah, Howard, yes.
Well, unfortunately...

- Hey, Janet.
- Yes?

Listen, where do you want me
to put these towels?

Darling, come here, please, one moment.

- You've never met my cousins, have you?
- No.

Irene Krupp, Jack Bailey,
my husband, Howard.

These are the relatives we were
speaking about, remember, darling?

By golly, Howard, it's good to meet you
after all these years.

Well, Howard, dear.
So you're the lucky man who got Janet?

Please, sit down. Sit down.
I'm sorry about all this mess, but you know,

we just moved in this morning,
didn't we, dear?

We just moved in this morning,
didn't we, dear?

- We understand.
- It'll be lovely some day.

I guess there are people
who like these modern contemporary...

Well, of course,
we don't really care where we are

just as long as we're together. Right, dear?

Yes, right. As long as we are together,
nothing else matters.

Min. Min, darling, thank you very much.

These are the relatives
we were speaking about, remember?

My darling next-door neighbor,
Minerva Bissell,

Jack, Irene Krupp, Jack Bailey.

- How do you do?
- How do you do?

Now, Howard and I, we were just saying,

we'd be happy wherever we are
as long as we are together.

- Howard and you.
- Yes, isn't that right, dear?

Yes, indeed. Of course, we're very fortunate
living next door to you

and your wonderful, wonderful husband,
Mrs. Bissell.

- Aren't you sweet?
- No, I'm very serious.

He is just one of the fine men, is all he is.

Just a prince of the Earth, that man.
Isn't that right, Mrs. Bissell?

- Would you like some coffee?
- Oh, no, thank you.

That's sweet of you, dear,
but we really must be going.

We just dropped by
to extend our sympathies.

- I'm afraid we were a little early.
- No.

I hope I can get the right turn this time.

Say, where is Sam?

I met two...

- Yes.
- You know, 25 years ago,

there wasn't anything like the population
in this county that there is now.

It must be very inconvenient for you,
living way out here.

- Are you sure nobody wants some coffee?
- No, thank you. Goodbye, Mrs. Bissell.

- So nice to have met you, dear.
- I just live over here.

- Goodbye.
- Say hi to Sam.

Well, goodbye, dear.

- I'm glad to see that you're so happy.
- Goodbye.

- Bye, Irene. See you soon.
- Howard, glad to have met you.

- Thank you, sir.
- Goodbye, Howard.

- Bye.
- Bye-bye.

- Nice to have...
- Goodbye.

That was the craziest thing
I've ever been through.

Sam, you were brilliant. Just brilliant.
And by the way, thank you.

That's all right. I think they know
about that will. That's why they came here.

Well, of course,
I saw it immediately when they came in.

Yeah.

- I think we fooled them, though.
- We were great.

Matter of fact,
I think we were both pretty good.

We were great. Yes?

Hi, it's me.

Min. Hi. It's Min.

You two were marvelous,
but I think we're still in trouble.

They're still out there, just sitting in the car.

Sam, look if they are still out there.

Hey, you're right. I gotta get to work.
What am I gonna do?

What did he say?

He has to get to work
and he's still in his pajamas.

Well, he'll have to leave from your place.

Come on over and I'll put his clothes
in a bag or something.

All right, good idea.

Sam. Sam, Min has the best idea.

I go in your house
and I come back with your clothes.

- Don't worry.
- Yeah, well... Bring my...

Sam? Min suggested I drive you to work

- so it will look legitimate, you know?
- Yeah.

- What time do you have to be there?
- Holy smoke, now.

First day as an account executive
and I'm late already.

Don't panic. I'll get you there.
I'll drive the car out of...

No socks. They forgot my socks.
You forgot... You...

I haven't even shaved.

They're across the street.
Keep your voice down and smile.

- Follow them.
- Why?

I can give you 15 million reasons why.
Now hurry up and follow them.

Sam, please put that in the back.

- What?
- Don't look around,

but just glance into the rear-vision.
Is that the same car?

They followed us.

- Good morning. Good morning, sir.
- Good morning.

- Morning.
- You remember all the boys, sir.

- Morning.
- Mr. Nurdlinger,

this is Richard Taragon, Mr. Nurdlinger.

- He's the best photographer in the business.
- How are you?

He's gonna take some really
fantastic pictures for your billboards.

I don't want fantastic pictures.

I want normal pictures
of normal everyday people,

just like Bissell said.
You better check with Bissell.

He's got his finger
on the pulse of this thing.

Don't worry, Mr. Nurdlinger.

There's our fair-haired boy now,
Mr. Nurdlinger.

Say, they parked right behind us.

Maybe we better keep the act going a little.
Bye, darling.

Is that a charming picture of domesticity.

- I'm sorry about all this, Sam.
- Well, it can't be helped.

Morning, Sam.

Sam, would you come over here
a moment, please?

- Mr. Nurdlinger wants to meet Mrs. Bissell.
- Oh, yeah, Mrs. Bissell.

- What?
- Who is he?

It's my boss and the client.
How am I gonna explain this?

Well, it's perfectly simple.
Just tell them the truth.

- Say I'm your next-door neighbor. Hello.
- Hello.

Good, clean-living, family-type men
don't go around

making love to their next-door neighbors
on the street corners.

Good morning,
you beautiful, beautiful people.

- Morning, sir.
- Good morning.

I don't believe I've had the pleasure,
my dear.

- This... Mr. Burke, I'd like you to meet my...
- Mrs. Bissell, I am charmed.

Allow me to help you.
Careful with your skirt.

You know, your Sam is a big favorite
with us around here.

I want you to come and meet Mr. Nurdlinger.

- I'd love to.
- He's our toughest client.

- Sam's the only one who can handle him.
- Really?

Let's try and shave a little closer, Sam.
Wanna look neat, you know.

Mrs. Bissell, may I present Mr. Nurdlinger?

- Good morning, Mr. Nurdlinger.
- Good morning, madam.

- I'm delighted to meet you. Morning, Sam.
- Morning, sir.

- Sonny. Fellas.
- Morning, Sam.

- Morning, Sam.
- I wonder if you'd give us the pleasure

of having dinner with Mrs. Nurdlinger
and me tonight.

I know she'd like to meet you both.

Well, I'll have to call my wife at home
to see if she made any other plans.

Call home? What are you talking about?

We'd love to go to your house
for having dinner, wouldn't we, Sam?

- Oh, boy.
- About 8:00, then.

And, Sam, we always dress for dinner.
Black tie.

Delighted to have met you.

- Such a great pleasure to know you.
- The pleasure was mine. Goodbye.

- Goodbye.
- Bye.

- Now, remember. Normal pictures.
- Right.

- Everyday people.
- Good.

- Goodbye, Mr. Nurdlinger. Bye-bye.
- Bye.

This thing is getting a little out of hand.

- Don't you think...
- Goodbye, my darling.

Goodbye, gentlemen. Pleasure meeting you.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Bye, darling.

Lucky boy, Sam.

Morning, Mr. Burke. Hi, fellas.

Would you mind telling me
who that chick was?

- Frightfully artistic...
- I'll do the same kind of thing I did before.

Excellent, excellent.

Why don't you just leave that to me, sir?

What do you think about black and white
or color? I say black and white.

Who the hell was that chick
you were kissing out there?

- What we need is a normal, clean...
- Morning, Mr. Burke.

- Morning, Mr. Boling.
- Morning, Mr. Boling.

- Sam, you can tell me, will you? Hi.
- Later.

- What do you mean, later? Sam.
- What is...

Good morning, Mr. Bissell.
Good morning, Mr. Trilling.

It's very simple to explain,
but not here, please.

Hello.

- What is all the secrecy?
- I got myself in a bit of a jam.

- Yeah, I bet you did.
- Look, it's Min's best friend.

- Min's best friend?
- Yes.

Hey, fellas, will you stop talking back there!
Quiet down!

Will you roll it, Jim? Thank you. Here we go.

All right, we'll take it from the pickups
of bar nine this time. Got it?

Here we go. One, two, a one, two...

By the hour, by the day
By the week or any way

Just let Hertz put you in the driver's seat

Let Hertz put you in the driver's seat.

- No, no, no, no!
- No!

Cut it, will you? Cut it!
You're not getting the idea at all.

- "In the driver's seat," you idiot!
- How many times do I have to rehearse this?

He's been doing that all of...

Look. Will you start from the beginning?

It's Min's best friend
and she knows all about it.

Sam, my boy! What are you doing in here?

Come on, have we got something
to show you, the fellas and me.

Come along, Sam.

Come on, come on. Out here, Sam.
Girls, girls.

Now, Sam, don't let this go to your head,

but this is just our way of saying thank you
for delivering to us Mr. Nurdlinger.

There you are, Sam.

- Lots of luck, Sam.
- Take it away, Sam, baby. It's all yours.

- Good luck, Sam.
- Thank you.

Go on in. It's your office.

- Where are you, Sam?
- How do you like this?

Come on, come on. Sit down, sit down.
It's all yours.

Thank you.

Here you are, Sam.

- Executive cigar?
- Sure.

Go ahead, put your feet up
on the desk there, Sam.

Just like you own the place.
Go on, get them up there, boy.

Where are your socks, Sam?

- It's kind of hard to explain.
- That's all right.

You don't have to explain to me.
I understand.

I know how tough it is to make ends meet
when you've got a growing family,

but we're gonna take care of that, too.

There's a very nice raise
going into effect for you, starting today.

All right, boys, let's get back to work,
shall we?

- Cheers!
- Lots of luck, lots of luck, Sam.

- Crank up on that Nurdlinger account, huh?
- Yes, sir, crank. And thank you again.

Congratulations, Mr. Bissell, on the new job.

- Thank you, Marsha.
- They assigned me to you.

- That's nice.
- Can I do anything?

Yeah. You could get Mrs. Bissell for me
on the phone, if you would, please.

Thank you.

- Mr. Bissell?
- Yes?

- Your wife is on one, sir.
- Thank you.

Hi, honey.

Sorry, Mr. Burke.

No, you're on the dictograph.
She's on the telephone, line one.

Thank you.

Hello. Hi, honey. Who was who?

That was my secretary.
Yeah, my new secretary.

I got a secretary now. I got a new office.
I got a raise.

You should see this office.
It's got everything.

It's got windows, everything. What?
Celebrate tonight?

Yeah, well, I wanted to tell you.
A very peculiar thing happened

on the way. It's... I'm sure you'll understand.
You'll laugh when I tell you what it is.

I don't know why you didn't just tell him
the simple truth.

Well, dear, wait, I told you before.

It's just that you don't know Nurdlinger,
and he's a strange fellow.

He's kind of a nut
about fidelity and marriage...

I got it. This is the part I can do.
And he isn't ever gonna understand

that beautiful friend of yours
kissing me like that.

There's Janet. Now, look, dear,
we've just got to try and be reasonable,

- all right?
- Well, I am trying to be reasonable,

but it's awfully difficult to understand

how you let yourself
get in this absurd position.

- Look, honey, will you...
- I know. I'm trying to be reasonable.

- I'm not succeeding, but I'm trying.
- All right.

Min, I'm really sorry about all this.

I wouldn't do anything to upset you or Sam
for a million dollars.

- On the other hand, for $15 million...
- Min.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. Really I didn't.
I'm fine, just fine.

- You'd better hurry or you're gonna be late.
- Yeah, okay.

- Bye. Let's go. I'll drive.
- Okay. We'll hurry, darling. I'm sorry.

We'll get out of there
just as fast as possible.

- You both look real nice.
- Yeah.

Bye.

Bye. Have a good time.

My woman's club is starting a purge
on the evil, obscene publications

which litter our libraries
and our newsstands.

I'd love to have Mrs. Bissell join us
next Thursday

for our weekly book-burning if she's free.

Gee, I'm sure
she'd just love it, Mrs. Nurdlinger,

but Thursday, I think,
is her church bingo committee.

- I don't believe in gambling.
- They play for jelly beans.

Well, that's different.

You know, a man needs a foundation
on which to build an immaculate life.

Mrs. Nurdlinger and I,

we detest the philanderer
and the infidelity which some men live by.

Oh, yes, so do Sam and I.

You wouldn't believe
some of the degenerate pursuits

of some of the people in our society.

But God will deal with the whoremonger
and the profligate.

Their days are numbered.

- Isaiah, verse six.
- Amen.

I have my key, Sam. Thank you.
See you tomorrow.

- Okay.
- Good night.

Good night, Jan.

- Sam! Someone's at the door!
- What? What is wrong, what?

- It's only me, Janet.
- What is it?

- Don't turn the lights on.
- I can't see anybody.

- Sam!
- Wait till I turn on the light.

- No!
- What?

Don't turn the lights on.
There's a truck in front of your house.

It's been there for hours. Come and see.
Come and see. Fast, quick.

Well, here we are in the middle of the night.

We're gonna go and see a truck.
Isn't that nice?

- See, there it is. I told you.
- Well, that's right. It's a truck.

Probably a guy sitting there
parked with his girl.

Not on a residential street.
Can you read what it says on the truck?

Yes.
It's a Brookfield Vacuum Cleaner Company.

Brookfield, Brookfield... There is no
Brookfield Vacuum Cleaner Company.

I knew it. It's a private investigator. I'm sure.
You remember, my lawyers warned us.

Gee, this is kind of spooky, isn't it?

I wonder what a private investigator
thinks he's gonna see from out there?

Well, that's very simple. For one thing,

he wants to see my husband to come,
tomorrow morning, out of my door.

Oh, no, not again.

Wait just a minute, Sam.
We've gone this far. We can't quit now.

Well, look, it's getting light outside.

And if there's anybody out in that truck,
he's gonna see me when I try to cross over.

I'm afraid he's right.

Wait a minute. Of course.

There's a very simple way to get Sam across
to your house without being seen.

What are you gonna do,
shoot me out of a cannon, dear?

Don't be silly, dear.
We don't even have a cannon.

I have a much better idea.

- Come on, Sam. We're ready. Come on.
- Dear, I absolutely refuse to do this.

- Barney. Barney, go home, sweetie.
- Don't drop me.

Barney, get off! Go on. Are we there yet?

- Be still. We're still hanging up clothes.
- Hurry up!

- Wait. We're here. Barney!
- Sam, get up.

"There's a very simple way to get Sam
over to your house without being seen."

- Here, you forgot your pants.
- Thank you very much.

- If you don't mind my saying so...
- Your shoes.

...this is without question the most
ridiculous thing that I've ever heard of!

Morning, Joe.

Good morning, Harry.
How are you this morning?

Okay.

Morning, Mr. Palma, Mr. Ray.

- Good morning, Mrs. Bissell.
- Morning, Mrs. Bissell.

- Good morning, Mr. Ebbets, Jan.
- Hi, dear... Mrs. Bissell.

- I forgot my socks again.
- We're being watched. Can't you feel it?

- How's it going, Taragon?
- Getting some sensational shots, Mr. Burke.

- Real weirdoes.
- No, no, wait.

Nurdlinger does not want weirdoes.
Normal, everyday people, Harry.

I got you. Here's a normal, everyday couple.

No, no. Taragon, Taragon.

They're too normal.

Clean-cut types are what we want.
Average, clean-cut Americans, Taragon.

There! There you are.

Now there's a healthy,
clean-cut attractive man and wife.

But that's Mr. Bissell. That wouldn't be fair.

So he works for us.
What difference does it make?

There is your average, plain,
everyday husband and wife.

Now stop talking and take your pictures.
I'll see you later.

Listen, Min and you,
you've been so absolutely wonderful to me

- that there's something I'd like to do.
- What's that?

As soon as I get my inheritance,
I'm going to give you $1 million.

- You're gonna what?
- I'm going to give you $1 million.

- You...
- But listen, if it hadn't been for you and Min,

I would never have got the $15 million.
You know that's true.

- Well, well...
- Well, I don't want any discussions

and no arguments.
Anyway, the whole thing is settled.

I'm going to Mellner's office right now
and make the arrangements.

- Yeah, well, I don't know what to say.
- Don't say anything then.

If we just get through the next few days,
we'll all be millionaires.

See you tonight.

- I don't like that.
- Well, this one has a lot of decency.

- That's terrible.
- How about this?

- Here's the norm, Harve.
- Terrible.

- Here's the norm.
- Terrible. Terrible. They are all terrible.

Not one of them typifies the clean-cut spirit
of this campaign.

Am I right, Sam? Sam? Sam?

- Sir?
- Would you please explain

to these dunderheads, for the 10,000th time,

the kind of people we want to see up here
on this billboard?

Plain, simple, clean-cut,
ordinary, everyday millionaires.

- What?
- People. Average, nice-looking people.

- There you are, fellas. Thanks, Sam.
- All right.

Mrs. Ebbets isn't home.

- Hello.
- Can I help you?

Well, maybe. Who are you?

It's none of your business,
but I'm the next-door neighbor.

Well, how do you do? I wonder
if you could tell me when she'll be back?

Well, I don't know. She went into the city
to pick up her husband.

- Her husband?
- Yeah, her husband.

He lives here with her,
like any normal married couple.

Look, lady, I don't know who this joker is,
but he's not her husband.

Well, he is so, too.

And you'd better stop fooling
around their house

- or I am going to call the police.
- Take it easy, lady. Take it easy. I'm leaving.

I wonder if you'd give the happy couple
a message for me.

Would you tell them I'll be back tonight
and fix both their wagons?

Hello? Sam, I'm so glad you called.
I have so much to tell you.

You are kidding. Break into Janet's house?

- Well, what did he look like?
- What is it?

She saw that private investigator
trying to break in your house here.

He says I'm not married to you.
He'll be back tonight to fix our wagons.

- Sam, I'm scared.
- Yeah, look, Janet's scared, dear.

I'd better...
I'll be over as soon as it gets dark.

I'll sneak over then.
I gotta hang up. My wife is waiting.

Your what?

Ostensibly, dear. Ostensibly.
I'll be over as soon as it's dark.

Sam, I'm really frightened.
What do we do if he shows up?

- Don't worry. I'm here, and I'll protect you.
- But you said you'd go home

- when it gets dark.
- Well, just to say hello. I'll be back.

Sam, I really hate to impose on you,

but could you please stay tonight
with me here?

- Yeah, I guess I'd better.
- Thank you. You're a darling.

Now, let's see.
It won't be dark for a couple of hours.

What do we do? We'll have to kill some time.

What do you usually do
when you come home from work?

Well, Min usually makes me a martini.

All right, I make you a martini.
Get comfortable.

Sam, aren't you supposed
to dance beside me?

No, no. We can dance couples,
freelance, any old thing.

All right.

- Hey, what are you doing?
- Steak! Cha-cha-cha.

Steak. Cha-cha-cha.

- A little bit more steak? Potatoes or peas?
- I'm full, really.

- It was just marvelous. Thank you.
- Sam, Min! What's the time?

9:00. Excuse me.

Be careful.

Thanks for dinner.
I'll see you in a little while.

See you later.

Honey.

Hi.

Gee, I'm sorry I'm late.

- Well, I had to wait till it was dark, dear.
- It was pitch black at 8:18.

What have you been doing
all this time, anyway?

Well, just trying to kill time.
It's not easy, you know.

- Jan and I don't have much in common.
- I heard music.

Finally, out of sheer boredom,
she put on some records. That's all.

And then went in and cooked dinner.

- Dinner?
- Yeah.

Sam, don't tell me you've eaten
after I fixed the casserole?

She's eaten. She was cooking just for her.
I'm starving to death, dear.

Okay, honey. Sit down.

- Yeah.
- Here are the rolls.

A little burned, aren't they?

They've been sitting in the oven for an hour.

Your favorite dish. Macaroni casserole.

- Thick heavy layer of mozzarella cheese.
- Just the way you like it.

Boy. Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.

Boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.

A bit of crust here. You like that.

Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.

That's plenty.

You sure you don't want some more, honey?

You'll ruin it. Be gilding the lily.

- Do you really think we could take it?
- What?

The million dollars
that Janet wants to give us.

I mean, wouldn't you feel funny?

Well, it's just a million... It's a million,
but she's got 15 million, so what's one?

Yeah, but, I mean,
here we are sitting in the kitchen, eating,

- and then, all of a sudden, we got $1 million.
- I know, but she insists.

And the lawyers said it's rightfully hers,
and all we're trying to do is help her out.

And they're making a lot of trouble,

- and I'm not her husband really...
- No, you're not.

It's a technicality.

And think of all of the things
you always wanted.

- You know, a mink coat.
- Yeah.

Well, it's just too fantastic.
I can't think about it.

- Dear? Delicious.
- Thank you.

Excuse me, dear.

Hello? Hi, Jan.

Yeah. Okay, I'll send him right over. Bye.

It's Janet. She's getting scared again.

Here's your toothbrush, honey,
and your razor and your socks

and a clean shirt.

Now listen, honey.
If that man shows up tonight, be careful.

- Don't fight.
- Don't worry. I'm not afraid of him.

- I know, but just be careful.
- Yeah. Good night, love.

Isn't this awful?
Here I am kissing you good night,

and you're going across
to spend the night with another woman.

A very attractive woman. Be careful.

- I told you I'm not afraid of him.
- I don't mean him. I mean her.

- Dear! She's your best friend.
- I know. I'm sorry.

- Okay. Good night, dear. I love you.
- Good night. I love you.

- Bye-bye.
- Remember to sleep on your left side

- so you don't snore.
- I will. Goodbye.

Hi, Min. Thank you.

Good night.

- What did you say?
- Nothing. Sorry.

Lock the door, Sam.

Sam, I fixed your bed in here.

- Is that all right for you?
- Yeah, perfect. Thanks.

What do we do if he shows up?

Well, don't worry about that.
That's what I'm here for.

All right.

Here's a pair of my husband's pajamas
and the towels.

The bathroom is there.
If you need anything else, just help yourself.

- Fine, fine.
- And thank you. I do appreciate that.

You're the sweetest man I've ever known.

- Good night. Sleep well.
- Good night.

Thank you.

Now, no wonder their marriage broke up.

Well, it's all Min's fault.

"Be careful," she says.
Well, it's a direct insult. Be careful.

Everybody knows what kind of a man I am,
for heaven's sake. I'm a family man. Decent.

I wonder why she left her door open?

Where are you going?

You wouldn't understand these things, Sam.
Lie back and live clean.

- Can't get to sleep, can you, my dear?
- No.

I don't know what it is, Sam.

- You don't?
- No.

I do.

- And so do you.
- No, Sam, I don't know. I...

- Yes.
- I don't... No! No! No! No! No!

I didn't do anything. I didn't do anything.

- Didn't do it. Didn't do it! Didn't! Didn't!
- Sam! You...

I didn't do it. Didn't do it!

You philanderer!

No! No! No! It's not true.

I'm a plain, ordinary,
everyday, clean-living family man.

Oh, no.

She's lying in there thinking
that I'm gonna come barging in on her.

Oh, no. Oh, no, no.

I'd better just slip in there and tell her
that she's got nothing to worry about.

I'd never do a thing like that.
She's perfectly all right.

Jan! Jan!
Jan, listen, I just want you to know

I would never crash in here
in the middle of the night

and take advantage of the situation,
for the world.

- But, Sam...
- I mean, even if I wanted to. Which I don't.

- No, you don't. But, Sam, what happened?
- I mean, actually,

it's just something that Min dreamed up.

I'll explain to Min
that you behaved like a perfect gentleman.

- Everything is all right.
- Thank you. Thank you.

Sam, Sam, that's him.

Sam. Sam.

Be careful.

Sam!

Look out, please. Don't let him hurt you.

- Okay, Sam, hold him.
- I got him!

- Hold him, Sam! Hold him!
- I still got him!

- I still got him.
- Howie!

Sam, let him up. It's my husband.

- Your what?
- It's my husband!

- I'm sorry. I didn't know.
- Sam!

- Sam, Sam.
- I'm sorry.

- It's your husband.
- Sam, are you all right?

- Yes. Are you all right?
- I didn't know...

- Tell me. Did you hurt yourself?
- Who in the living hell is he?

I'm sorry. I'm trying to help Janet.

- Help her?
- Yes, he helped me.

I'll bet he's been helping you.
You look like you've been helping her,

you in pajamas and you in a nightgown.

What do you mean?
What an absolutely despicable remark.

How dare you? Apologize this instant!

- Apologize?
- Yes.

I come here in the middle of the night

and find some ape in fluorescent pajamas
with my wife in a nightgown.

Well, of course I'm in a nightgown.

What else would I be wearing
in the middle of the night? An overcoat?

Maybe you ought to be.

All alone with this idiot
and his moronic trick-or-treat pajamas.

It is entirely your fault
that he had to be here at all.

- My fault?
- Yes!

I just gave him one of your old pajamas
which you never wore.

- Wait. Those are my pajamas.
- Yes.

Why, those are the pajamas you bought me
the weekend we drove to Carmel.

And now you give them to this gigolo?

Don't get all sentimental
over a pair of pajamas.

- Anyway, what are you doing here?
- I came here today to talk to you.

- Why didn't you?
- You weren't here.

Why didn't you wait?

Because that hysterical snoop next door
caught me and was gonna call the police.

- Don't call my wife a snoop.
- Your wife?

Yes, his wife.
And she also is my best friend,

and she kindly loaned me
the use of her husband

to make it look like I'm happily married,
which I never was with the likes of you.

- Now, now, just a moment...
- Yeah, but explain that...

Wait, wait. Please, let me...
Let me clarify this.

My wife loaned me, so to speak, to Janet,
but only so that she would qualify

to get her inheritance
under her grandfather's will, you see.

See, $15 million she gets.

- $15 million?
- Yes.

- And don't pretend you didn't know.
- Well, no, I...

It dawns on me why you suddenly
showed up out of nowhere,

you moneygrubbing, dreadful man.

- No, no, no, no, listen, Janet.
- No.

- Janet, I... Janet, you are wrong.
- Of course I'm wrong, yes.

Janet, I swear I didn't know a thing
about this inheritance

until this very minute.

- It's not money I came after. It's you.
- Get out of here right now.

Listen, if you think I'm leaving
in the middle of the night

while my wife is in a nightgown

and this guy is in my pajamas,
you are crazy.

If you get in that pajamas routine
once more, I'll scream!

- And I am not your wife! Now, get out.
- Are you kidding? I'm not leaving.

All right. Sam, please throw him out.

Yeah. Yeah, come on. Come on, Pajamas.

Throw me out now that you can't
jump me from behind. Come on.

Come on.

Why don't you settle
your own domestic quarrels?

It's none of my business. I'm going back
to my own bed and my own house.

Oh, no! No, no, you can't do that to me. No.

You know that the detective
is watching this morning,

and what would he think?
He saw you this evening come in my house

and then tomorrow morning,
he'll see you leaving from your house.

No, please. It's just only that one more time.
And it's only one hour to daylight.

Please, Sam, please. Please stay on.
Do it for me.

Hey, Pajamas?

You awake?

Old Jan was really mad out there
in the kitchen, wasn't she?

All that yelling and screaming,
sure gave me a nostalgic feeling.

Almost like we were still married.

You know,
some of the happiest days of my life

were spent fighting with that little girl.

If you insist
on clumping down memory lane,

would you do it, please, more quietly?

When I say fights,
I don't just mean arguments.

I mean knock-down, drag-out fights.

Why, she's got a left hook. It's beautiful.

I got a spot right here on my arm,
she used to nail me three out of five times.

You through? Look, I don't know about you,

but I have to get up in the morning
and go to work.

- Yeah, yeah, I know. So do I.
- Good, good.

Well, then why don't you just
get out of here now, while it's still dark?

Where am I supposed to go?

Well, what you do is you sneak across
to my patio, see.

And you go to sleep in a nice damp chair
that I've got over there.

And you wait until morning.
I'm gonna call up my wife,

I'm gonna explain
this whole ridiculous thing to her.

She'll let you in the back door
and then you go out the front door, you see,

and the fella in the truck out there
will think that you live there

and you were off on a business trip
for a couple of days.

That's the best you can suggest,

- that I wait outside all night?
- Well, I wouldn't suggest you wait inside,

a perfect stranger, with my wife, thank you.

- Forget it!
- All right.

Good, you're gonna explain it
to the fellow in the truck

when we both leave the same house
tomorrow morning.

There goes $15 million down the drain.
Okay, you explain it. Go ahead.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

You know, it's gonna be cold out there
on that patio.

- Why don't you take a blanket?
- Thanks a lot.

You again. Look, I thought I told you

the next time you came here
I was gonna call the police.

I'm Howard Ebbets, Janet's husband.

- You see, I've been out here in the cold...
- You're Janet's...

- Yeah.
- I'm sorry. I thought...

Come in, get some coffee.
I thought you were somebody...

I called Min. Howard is expecting you
to drive him to work.

- He is?
- Yes.

- Now, please, eat your toast. You'll be late.
- No, I'm not hungry.

Will you stop staring out of that window?
Min is all right.

- Of course she's all right.
- Yes.

- I wasn't staring. I was just glancing.
- Glancing.

- He's a pretty good-looking fella, isn't he?
- Yes, he's a good-looking fellow.

- Well, it's all surface.
- Surface, yes.

- Yeah, surface handsomeness.
- Yes.

Well, I certainly don't think
there's much depth to the man.

No depth, no.

- Well, he certainly isn't Min's type.
- No, never. He'd be never Min's type.

You're funny.

She talks like a parrot.

I'm not hungry.

Well...

Come on, Sam.

- Morning.
- Morning, Howard.

- Morning.
- Morning, Jan.

- Bye, my dear. Have a nice day at the office.
- Oh, yes.

- Bye-bye.
- Bye.

- See you later, honey.
- Bye, have a nice day.

- Bye.
- Wait a minute.

Morning, Min. Morning, Sam.

Listen, buddy,
I'll have to ride home with you,

so why don't you pick me up
at Montgomery Post at 5:00, huh?

- Please.
- Please.

Would you mind
not slamming the door quite so hard?

Now don't tell me
how to slam the door on my own car.

- Your car?
- Yeah, I happened to have paid for it,

- and I'll slam the door any time I like.
- All right, all right. Okay.

Is that my shirt you've got on?

Yeah, that's your shirt and your shorts
and your skivvy shirt

and those beautiful lisle socks
your mother brought you from France.

Well, Min has lost her mind.

Well, dear,
did you have to give him my underwear

and one of my good shirts
and my best socks?

Well, what else could I do?

The poor man was all grubby
from waiting outside in the patio.

And his spirits were so low.

Well, you know what a lift it is
to put on clean clothes after a shower.

He took a shower?

Well, of course.
Didn't you take a shower at Janet's?

No, I didn't take a shower at Janet...

What do you think I am?
Some kind of a sex maniac?

Sam, you're making noises
like a jealous husband.

He happens to be a very nice man.
He's kind and generous and very handsome.

Handsome. He's very...

He's got no more character in his face
than an ordinary egg.

Just an ordinary
and certainly not a Nurdlinger egg.

Sam, you are jealous. That's wonderful.

- Well, I don't think it's...
- Sam, big mix-up...

- I'm sorry.
- Just a minute. What?

- There's a big confusion down there.
- What is it?

- They think that girl is Min.
- What girl?

The girl I saw you hugging and kissing
on the street...

The girl on the street.
You were hugging, kissing her.

- Burke thinks she's your wife.
- Will you please be quiet?

It's all part of a plan
and don't you try to figure it out.

I'll tell you about it someday. Goodbye.

You're not worried
about the Nurdlinger billboard?

Earl, please.
Just don't bother me now. Please.

Believe me, I know what I'm doing.
Goodbye.

Okay. I don't get it, but okay.
That's the way you want it, okay.

- And close the thing.
- Okay.

I'm sorry, but I was just speaking
to the ram head there, Earl.

Is the truck still there? It is.

I don't like it any more than you do, honey.

One more night,
the whole mix-up ought to be settled.

I love you, too. I'm sorry.

Make it look good.
I feel somebody watching us.

Certainly.

- Well, it's sure good to be home.
- Yeah.

I wonder what little Minsey's
got for dinner tonight?

Sam!

Don't forget, you're not Mr. Suburbanite
coming home to your wife.

You're coming home to my wife.
Let's not forget that.

Yeah, and the same goes for you, pal,
and don't you forget it.

Don't stand there in my underwear
and threaten me.

Well, I'll see you later, pal.
And thanks for the ride home.

Forget it.

You know,
and after three years at law school

- the Dean didn't even know my name.
- How could they know your name?

Don't ask me.
So Eli Whitney turns to him and he says,

"You keep your cotton-picking hands
off of my Jean."

Isn't that a beautiful story?

Honestly, that's the funniest thing
I've ever heard.

- And you put it so brilliantly.
- Well, thank you.

- Have you ever thought of being a writer.
- Writer? Me? No.

A writer. Howie a writer.

- He never had an original thought in his life.
- Yeah, I can believe that.

You know what kills me,
that toupee that he's wearing.

- That is a toupee, isn't it?
- No, it's his own hair.

Well, then he must go to a hair stylist
or something.

He wouldn't go to a regular barber.

Anybody with a head of hair like that's gotta
go to a hair stylist. He's just vain, huh?

You have to fight him to get to a mirror.

Listen. They're playing a tango.

- Shall we?
- I'd be delighted.

I've been meaning to ask you
about that hunk of junk.

What is it,
something you forgot to throw away?

Oh, no, that's Sam's creation.

- He loves to dabble in art.
- Art?

That's the biggest, craziest dabble
I've ever seen.

- What do you do, turn it on here?
- Yeah, like that.

- Get your hands off of that.
- The man in the truck.

- Off! Off! Off!
- I'm sorry.

- Off!
- I'm sorry, dear.

- Say, he's sensitive, isn't he?
- Very. He's creative.

It's ridiculous. What am I worried
about, a madman like that?

I know the sort. He's typical, typical.

He just took advantage of, you know,
the smooth dancer and the fancy dresser,

and you were young and naive,
and you thought he was a swell fella

because he never made a pass at you,

and then you marry him
and you find out why.

Mama's boy. Pretty mama's boy.
He's all wind-up and no pitch, as we say.

It's a sad facet of American life.

Oh, no, he wasn't a mama's boy.
It was quite the contrary.

- Do you have any mambo records?
- And cha-cha.

- Cha-cha, too. That's great.
- Yes.

- The conga. Remember the conga?
- Yeah, that's wonderful.

And would you believe it, two years ago,
Sam and I won a Charleston contest at the...

Excuse me. Hello.

Min, are you all right?

Hi, dear. Well, of course I'm all right.
What do you mean?

- I miss you, dear. What are you doing?
- Howie and I are gonna play cards.

He's really a lot of fun, Sam.

Yeah, yeah, I bet. What kind of cards?

Honeymoon bridge.

That's a great game, Min,
much better four-handed.

What do you say
all four of us play right now, huh?

Well, I don't know.
I'll have to see how Howie feels.

He's had a rough day at the office.
Just a minute, hold on.

See how Howie feels.
He had a rough day at the office.

Yeah, all right. If he doesn't stay too late.

- I got a tough day tomorrow.
- Okay. Sam? Sam, honey.

He says it's okay. You can come on over
just so it isn't too late.

Well, now, gee whiz,
I wouldn't want to tire out Howie.

You sure it's all right?

No, it's all right.
You can come on over for a while.

Gosh, right. Bye, Min.

Bye.

She's got to be sick.

Say, listen, Minsey, you know, honey,
we never would have made this hand

- if he hadn't made the wrong discard.
- Yes, you said that before, didn't you?

Well, that does it, Howie. They owe us $1.42.

All right, now that's all settled,
what do you say we have a nightcap?

- Sam, what can I get you?
- I'll get it.

No, no.
I'm just trying to be the gracious host.

I see. Well, I think I can get my own drink
in my own house.

Let's not squabble. I'll get the drinks. Jan?

- I don't care for anything, thank you.
- Howie, soda, Scotch and soda, right?

- Yeah, and a water.
- Sorry.

- I'll help you, honey.
- Okay.

Sam, you want to get another tray of cubes?
Ice. Please.

If anything happens to that marriage,

I'll hold you personally responsible,
Howard Ebbets.

- Me?
- Yes, you.

Now, look, you're the one
who started this whole nutty thing.

You are the one
who came in bursting in the night,

in the middle of the night.

Oh, boy, I always knew how selfish
and totally self-centered you were,

but I never thought you'd stoop
to endangering a beautiful marriage

like the Bissells' out of pure greed.

- Greed!
- Yeah.

How dare you talk to me that way?

- How dare?
- How dare?

You said, "How dare you?" Now you're
beginning to act like my old gal again.

Come on, honey.
Let's go a couple of rounds, sweetheart.

Oh, no. Oh, no, you don't trick me like that.

Has he made a pass at you yet?

Well, has he or hasn't he?

Well, look, don't just give me a look.
It's not such a ridiculous question.

For your information,
he is known to be highly oversexed.

- Known?
- Well, I don't say he takes ads, no.

But his own wife told me,
and it made her sick when she did.

He's disgusting.
Can you imagine what it must be like

to be married to a man like that?

She's sexually normal.

You told me that, right?
I think it was right after we were married,

when you were...
Well, what are you laughing at?

You are so cute.

- I miss you.
- I miss you, too.

- When is this all gonna be over?
- I don't know. Pretty soon.

- Keep on thinking about the million dollars.
- Yeah.

Trip around the world. Leisure time.
Security for the kids.

- No more Vernier and Burke & Hare...
- You know what I miss the most?

- What?
- My feet get so cold.

Hey, Bissell, if you're looking
for the Scotch, it's in the cupboard.

Yes, we found it, finally. Thank you.

Howie, old boy, could I speak to you
for just a second? Please?

Sure. Sure.

Yeah.

Howard, Howie,

I'd like to spend tonight
in my own house with my own wife.

Hey, hey, now, now you're talking.
Now, that's a great idea.

I'd like to spend some time alone
with Janet, too, you know.

- Yeah, we got a lot to fight over.
- Good. You got a deal.

Okay. Wait a minute, wait a minute.

What about the guy in the truck?
Yeah, there's a full moon out...

- I have a plan.
- Yeah, what's that?

I will go home with Janet
and go straight out on the patio.

I will light a cigarette
so that you'll know I'm there.

Now you do exactly the same thing
and then I will know you are there.

- Light a cigarette.
- When the girls go to bed...

- Yeah?
...and the last light goes out,

I'll give you a signal. I'll whistle.

And that is our cue
to run back and forth, see.

Bissell, you're a genius.

One thing I think we should remember,
it's when you run, crouch very low, you see,

and that way, if he sees us, he won't see us.

Yeah, now just wait a minute.
Let's just drop the advice.

I happen to have been a Marine Raider.
I can take care of myself.

Oh, no. Well, I was in the OSS.
I think I know a little bit more

- about this nighttime stuff...
- Now wait a minute, big shot.

...than a Marine Raider.
- Wait a minute.

Let me tell you about the Marines.

- We were the first into Okinawa.
- I do not wish to be recruited.

- I don't want...
- We were the first...

Let's not quibble. We're going to spend
the night with our wives.

Yeah.

You know,
you're not such a bad guy after all, Sam.

Yeah, neither are you, Howie.

- What's so funny?
- What are you two guys grinning about?

- Nothing, nothing.
- Nothing.

Well, here's to two ex-servicemen
and a successful mission tonight.

- Dark of the moon.
- Dark of the moon.

Bissell, your ducks are loose.

- Now!
- Bissell! Bissell, the duck!

Turn it off! Turn it off!

Turn it off!

- That was real clever, OSS man.
- That was the duck, not me.

- You'll wake up the whole neighborhood.
- What? Are you kidding?

You think someone's gonna be asleep
after a racket like that?

- Where are my glasses?
- What's going on over there, Sam?

Who's that? Al... Al, nothing. It's... I'm sorry.

- Hi, Al.
- I bet the detective didn't miss any of it.

The detective.

- You better come back, Sam. Come on.
- Well, that wrecks it. That's...

Well, anyway, you tried, honey.

- Good night, dear.
- Night, Sam.

- Good night, Mrs. Ebbets.
- Good night, Mr. Bissell.

- Good night, Mr. And Mrs. Ebbets.
- OSS.

Go home. Go home.

- Good morning, Mrs. Bissell.
- Good morning, Mr. Palma. Hi.

- Good morning, Min. Morning, Sam.
- Morning, Sam. Morning, Min.

Good morning, Mr. Bissell.

You folks work it out.

Sir, we're asking Your Honor
to delay for another week

- your decision as who is entitled to inherit.
- Why?

My clients
have had these people under scrutiny

for the past few days
by a private investigator.

Yes. We saw him out there
with his vacuum cleaner truck.

He didn't fool us a minute.

Some very odd things
have been happening at that house.

Unless it pertains to the plaintiff's
qualifications for inheritance,

I'm not interested, sir.

There's something very sneaky
going on in that house, Your Honor.

All we're asking for is another week's stay,
Your Honor.

- Denied.
- But, Your Honor...

- All we want is justice.
- I said denied.

You can't alter a man's deathbed bequest
with a lot of childish spying and gossip.

Now, obviously,
this woman and man are husband and wife,

Mr. And Mrs. Howard Ebbets, and as such,

I set the hearing
for distribution of the Lagerlof will

to take place
in probate court tomorrow at 9:30 a.m.

Now, nice to have met you,
Mr. And Mrs. Ebbets.

Now see here, Your Honor, I've had
some experience in this sort of thing...

- We want justice!
- This is ridiculous.

I don't care what you say...

- We made it.
- Sam, I'm rich.

- I want to go out and buy everything.
- Well, you can. $15 million.

And I'm going to give
you and Min $1 million.

- Oh, boy. We're millionaires.
- Like promised. Yes.

I don't believe it.

- Sam! Sam, you seen Burke yet?
- No, I just got in.

- I had business on the outside.
- Yeah, well, congratulations, golden boy.

What do you mean, "golden boy"?

Well, good old Nurdlinger
is ecstatic about his billboards.

- What billboards?
- What billboards? Are you of this world?

- Those billboards.
- Yeah, those billboards.

You create more bedlam around here
with all of your nonsense...

Yeah, well, look, I'll tell you, Earl,
I've had a few personal problems lately,

and I just completely forgot
about the Nurdlinger billboards.

Yeah, well, anyway, Burke and Nurdlinger
are patting each other on the back.

- They just love them.
- That's nice.

- It is, huh? Have you seen those billboards?
- What billboard?

No, I haven't been
near the media department lately.

I would strongly recommend
you take a good look at those billboards.

- They're finished?
- Finished? They're up.

- They're all over town.
- Well, good.

Sam, Sam, good friend.
Look, it's none of my business,

but you know Mr. And Mrs. "Average,
clean-living man and wife" they used?

- Yeah?
- I'll give you a big fat clue.

- It ain't Mr. And Mrs. Abraham Lincoln.
- No, well, who is it?

- It happens...
- Sam!

Just the fellow we've been waiting for.
Sam, come in, come in, come in, come in.

There's somebody here
just dying to see you.

Sam, look who's here.

You, sir, you had the courage to stand up
on your two feet and say no to me,

to say that my idea was wrong.

Well, sir, I'm here with my hat in hand
to say that you were right.

You've struck the keynote
of our organization,

clean, wholesome advertising.

- My hand is out to you, sir.
- Well, thank you.

Actually, I've been meaning
to speak to both of you about leaving.

- Leaving?
- Leaving? What do you mean.

- Another agency? More money, Sam?
- Oh, no. Nothing like that, sir.

It's just I came into an unexpected windfall,
an inheritance,

- and I was thinking of retiring.
- Retiring? You can't retire. You're my man.

You're my account executive.
Speak to him, Burke.

Sam, Sam, Sam, you must be joshing.

You can no more quit
the excitement of this business

than you can quit breathing.

Oh, yes, it's exciting, all right, but you see,
I have all this money now...

Money? What is money?
Sam, come right over here.

Look out that... Look at that billboard.

Isn't that magnificent?

Any amount of money, Sam, in this world
to take the place of you saying, "I did that.

"I, Sam Bissell,
created that beautiful, glorious,

- "wonderful wholesome...
- Right.

- "...billboard."
- It's a thrill seeing it up there and all,

but, on the other hand,
you take a million dollars,

that's an awful lot of...

- Who the hell put that up there?
- What's the matter?

- Is it in the wrong spot?
- Oh, no!

Well, that's our space, Sam.
We got twelve of them all over...

That's going to ruin everything.
Mr. Burke, that's got to come down!

- They've all gotta come down.
- Sam?

- Hi, there!
- I'm sorry. I can't talk to you now.

- Wait a minute, friend. This is important.
- Look, I'm sorry. I can't talk to you now.

- I'm in a hurry.
- Bissell, come back here!

What's the matter with him?
Did I do anything to offend him?

Running away will not help
your particular situation. Come back.

- Hey, fellas, stop walking around.
- Roll it, Jim.

One, two. One, two.

By the hour, by the day
By the week or any way

Just let Hertz put you in the driver's seat

Today

Man, that's real coffee!

- No!
- Oh, no!

Cut it!

Listen, you better take time
to talk to me, Mr. Ebbets,

- if you know what's good for you.
- Mr. Ebbets?

You don't know me,
but I can assure you, I know you,

Mr. Sneaky-between-the-houses.

Reinhold Shiffner, private investigator.

Oh, yeah, well, I don't know what you want,

- but I'm in a big hurry.
- Scandal is not a very pretty word, sir.

I've been watching you off and on
since Tuesday night, you know.

My goodness, such goings-on.

How do you do?

Hold it! Hold it! You can't run away
from fraud and deceit, young man.

What do you... Fraud and deceit?

This will just take a minute.
Reinhold Shiffner.

Yeah, you already gave me a card.
Private Investigator.

Most people think
we still wear derbies and chew toothpicks.

Not true. I'm Harvard, '44,

science major with a good solid foundation
in business administration and law.

- That's very interesting.
- I also majored in theatrical arts.

That accounts for the little touch
of showmanship in my trucks.

You've seen my vacuum cleaning outfit,
haven't you?

I have a cherry-picker truck and a tank truck.
The tank truck's for big jobs. Three men.

We can stay out for a full month
without returning to home base.

- Gee, how about that.
- Yes.

Well, look,
let's get down to brass tacks, shall we?

I was hired by Mrs. Ebbets' cousins,
Jack and Irene.

I started watching your place Tuesday night.

I saw you sneaking between the houses,
you naughty, naughty boy, you.

You saw me?

But I nailed you good
with my infrared night camera.

Here, take a look at these beauties.

That one, that one. Award-winning. Yeah.

Well, you got me.

Yes, indeedy, I got you.
As obvious as could be.

These photos are final and conclusive proof
to any skilled investigator,

that you really are Mr. Howard Ebbets.

It's the same old story.

A wandering husband,
bored with his brunette wife,

sneaks over to pay a little visit
to the hot-looking blonde cookie next door.

- You've probably been doing it for months.
- Sneaking over...

But you didn't sneak out the last few nights.
And you know why?

- Yeah. Why?
- Bissell was home.

- Back from a business trip, I figured.
- What am I supposed to do now?

Well, I'd like to have
a nice private conversation with you,

and I think the best place
to do that would be in your car.

Come on, get right in there.

The car's a marvelous place
to conduct private business.

Hard to bug,

and you can't focus electronic stuff on them
while they're moving.

If you don't mind,
I live out on 29th and Geary.

Well, the pictures are for sale, Mr. Ebbets.
Say 500 bucks.

After all, you wouldn't be sneaking around
if you didn't want it kept quiet.

I'll meet you tomorrow night
down in the lobby again.

I guess they'd be worth a lot more than that
if I wasn't Howard Ebbets.

Right. They'd be worth millions
to her cousins and a big fat bonus for me.

What did you do that for?

I kind of like to whip them
around the curves every now and then.

You know, it gets the old adrenalin going.
It's good for you.

You're mad! Do you hear me?

I'd like to get out right here.

Nonsense.
Drive you right to your front door.

- Say, here's a fun street. Do you like curves?
- No, I hate curves.

Let's stop someplace.

- It gets a little faster down at the end here.
- I don't feel well.

Why don't you drop me off
anywhere along here?

Actually, I'd enjoy the walk.

- It's only 50 blocks.
- Nonsense.

Help me!

Look, I know a shortcut.

Well, here we are. You can come up now.

- Tell me, you drive to work every day?
- Sure do.

Somebody up there
must be absolutely crazy about you.

Bye.

Min? Min.

- Sam, what's wrong?
- You don't believe it.

I met that nutty private investigator.
I don't know where they got it,

- but there's billboards all over town.
- What?

- Me and Janet...
- What are you talking...

- There's no time to lose. Come on, dear.
- Sam!

- Hurry up. Come on.
- Sam, what are you talking about?

Just a minute. I've lost my shoe.

Come on, dear, I'll explain later.
We gotta get Janet.

You know, now that this is over
and you're gonna get the money, I...

Well, I think you're right.
We should stay separated.

Yeah, you'd never believe that I love you
and want you only for yourself.

Let's just say goodbye quietly,

and, well,
I wish you the world of happiness and...

- Goodbye.
- Why don't we really...

- Janet? Janet!
- Hold it! Hold it!

- Don't come barging in like that, Bissell.
- This is very important!

- Get all the paint you've got.
- Paint?

- Paint?
- You got any paint cans, spray cans,

paint brushes, anything you've got.
Get old clothes on.

I'll be over in the garage
getting all our stuff.

- Hurry up.
- What, Sam? Min, what is it?

- What's he talking about?
- What is it? Min!

I don't get it at all. Something about
a billboard and an investigator.

Investigator? Jan!

Jan, don't... Come back here.
Don't get tangled with that nut again!

- Janet, look, let's go back and talk...
- Sam, will you explain to me what it is,

- because I don't...
- I don't know how...

I don't understand. What happened?

You know those crazy billboards
that I dreamed up for Nurdlinger?

Well, I don't know where they got
pictures of you and me,

- but I haven't got time to explain...
- What? I don't...

We've got to deface them by morning.

Deface them? Are you...
You're out of your mind.

Look, don't you understand?
They think that we're married, Janet and me.

Our picture's up on billboards all over town.
It's astounding. Big letters 10-feet high,

Mr. And Mrs. Sam Bissell blah-blah-blah,
Nurdlinger's things and so forth.

Now, the cousin and the detective see them
and there we are,

- we're through.
- My inheritance!

That's what I mean. Now get going.
Put these in the car and wait there.

- Bissell, what are you planning to do?
- We are going to paint out the faces.

- No!
- Yes.

- Sam!
- Listen, you're insane. Janet!

Janet, you can't go around
damaging private property.

- They'll throw you in jail.
- And what happens with my inheritance?

- Forget it. We don't need the money.
- You are running true to form.

If things can't happen like you want it,
you just don't want to help.

Oh, boy! You're all crazy.
In the middle of the night.

Min, you've gotta change.
You can't go like that.

- Here, put these on.
- No.

- Honey, this is no time to argue.
- No, Sam, this has gone far enough.

You've quit your job and you've ruined
our home life, and it's too much.

It's just more than I can stand.

Look, dear, will you please?
Just this one more thing.

Think of the million dollars.

I want my home and my children
and my husband

and a little peace and quiet.

Look, you stay here, I've gotta go.

I'm a man without a job.
I want that million dollars.

- Sam.
- What?

If you go,
I won't be here when you come back.

Min, you don't mean that and you know it.
I've got to go.

- Sam?
- Are you gonna come or not?

What's the use?

- Hurry up.
- I don't believe it.

Sam, look at that dreadful photograph
of me.

But I don't have a face thin like that.

This is no time to start admiring yourself.
Get going.

That's extremely good.
You don't know what you're missing.

Juvenile delinquents, both of you.

What's going on out there?

Well, we're underpaid schoolteachers,

and I have to moonlight
to feed my wife and children.

Hello. Good morning.

She's a schoolteacher?

Girls' hygiene.

God bless you for the wonderful work
you're doing.

- That's the last of them.
- Thanks for all your help, Howard.

- You've been grand.
- Sure, sure. I'm the one that's wrong.

Just because I won't go along
with this harebrained childish scheme

of Nutsy over there,
I'm the one that's wrong.

- That's been the history of our marriage.
- Marriage?

We are not married.

Once again, you demonstrate
your truly remarkable ability

to phrase things
in such a twisted and distorted way

as to make me look
as if I'm doing something ridiculous.

Disfiguring billboards all over town
in the middle of the night,

perfectly normal.

Just don't come crying to me for help
when you get caught.

We didn't ask you along.
Why don't you leave?

- I just may.
- Then go. Why are you hanging around?

All right, you silly... Goodbye.

And this time forever.

- Goodbye.
- Goodbye.

- Now how do we get up there?
- I'm gonna rent a room.

I'm gonna get across
on that roof by the fire escape.

- You wait here for me.
- No!

We started everything together,

- we're going to finish it together, Sam.
- Not in this neighborhood, Janet.

Please, not in that kind of hotel.
Just stay and wait here for me.

- No, but...
- Please!

Hi, I'd like a room, please. On the west side.

You got a reservation?

Well, no, I don't have... Reservation?

Sorry, I'm full up.

Well, look, I'm a traveling salesman.

- Thank you, Frankie baby.
- Everything okay, Sherry?

Talk to you later.

I deal in paints,

and my car broke down
just around the corner. They're fixing it up,

so I'll only need the room
for about an hour, two hours.

Why didn't you say what you want
in the first place? Who sent you? Charlie?

Charlie sent me.

Twenty bucks.

- Twenty?
- Twenty bucks, buddy.

Fourth floor, room 434.
Use that elevator over there.

$20?

It's me, honey.

You must have the wrong room, ma'am.

- I'm sorry, forgive the way I look.
- No.

- But if you'll...
- No. No. No, not with me, buddy.

- No what? What...
- I mean, no, damn it!

I thought I've seen everything,
but this is a new one on me.

You lay a paintbrush on me
and I'm gonna scream this joint down.

- You don't...
- You're a psychiatric case,

- that's what you are.
- I see. Well, please...

Oh, boy, you keep away from me.
I'm gonna tell Frankie. He'll fix you!

No, don't tell anybody anything.
Wait! You don't understand.

Help! Help! Help!

Please...

Wait a minute! Wait a minute!

Hey, lady, please don't holler!

What? What is it?

- Stop him!
- Stop screaming, lady, please.

Hold that elevator.

Hold that elevator. Hold that elevator.

Help, someone! Stop him!
Somebody, stop him!

Stop him! Stop him! Stop him!

Stop him! He wanted to paint me.
What's this world coming to?

Of all the lousy, crummy insects I ever saw.

I'll teach you to go around
lacquering up broads.

- Just a minute!
- Take your hands off him immediately.

- Stop it.
- Does this crumb belong to you, lady?

Yes, he's my husband.

Well, you'd better keep him
locked up at home

because he wanted to paint me.

- You don't...
- Don't be ridiculous.

This man is Mr. Samuel Bissell,
one of the great truly artists of the world.

He came in and checked into your hotel
to get away

from the hustle and bustle of the world
to do some serious painting.

No kidding? You mean, he's famous?

- Yes.
- Bissell? Bissell? I think I heard of him.

Or was it the carpet sweeper?

- If you don't mind...
- Right this way.

Golly, I'm sorry. I wouldn't have...

There we go.

No, you go ahead, Sam.
And give my love to Min.

- Well, wait a minute, what about you?
- Well, I'll stay here for awhile.

I've got some unfinished business.

- Good luck.
- Bye.

- Jan.
- Go away.

- Jan.
- Go away.

I've been away, and I didn't like it.

I loved it.
I never had a better time in my life.

You're lying.
You missed me as much as I missed you.

- Which happens to be not at all.
- Oh, boy. Okay, okay, I tried.

Lord knows I tried, but I've had it.
This time I've had it for good.

- Goodbye.
- Goodbye.

- Goodbye.
- Goodbye.

Howard, I just want you to know
that I know why you say you want me back.

- Really?
- Yes. Because of my $15 million.

- That's why.
- What? Wait a minute. What?

You heard me.
You want me because of my money.

- I want you because of your money?
- Yes.

How dare you?
How dare you say a thing like that?

How dare you talk to me
in that tone of voice?

- Just get out of here, that's all!
- Don't you worry. I'm getting out.

But not before I give you something
you've had coming to you for a long time,

- a good swift kick in the hind end.
- You wouldn't dare!

- Now you're going to get it, Howard Ebbets.
- How do you like that?

- Am I going to belt you.
- No, no, no, mister.

Block her with a left. Come on now.
And clip her. Clip her with a left.

- Go ahead.
- Would you mind not...

You did it! You did it again.

- Right in the tricep.
- My darling, I'm so sorry.

- My whole arm's paralyzed.
- I'm so sorry.

Does it hurt? Can you move your hand?

Yes, it does hurt.
Does that make you feel better?

- Yes, it does.
- Hey, goofy.

Would you mind, sir?
This happens to be a private argument.

I'm so sorry. I'm really...
I am. I'm really sorry.

Hey, goofy. I love you.

You know, it's taken me all these months
to realize how much.

What do you say we try it again, huh?

Hey, dear! Min! We made it.

No. Min? Min?

I didn't know where to go.

Of all the silly things for me to do.

After being married to you all these years,

I couldn't walk out on you and my babies.

I'm so used to your silly face
and your goofy ways.

You love me and you know it.

You loved me when I was a mail clerk
for 40 bucks a week.

- Mommy! Daddy! We're home.
- Here we are. Don't they look marvelous?

- Hi.
- How are you?

Grandma took us to the merry-go-round,
and I went on a giraffe,

and it went up and down, and I threw up.

But Jenna didn't throw up
because she was on a horse.

And did you know that Grandma
takes her teeth out

before she goes to bed, Daddy?

Could I please take my teeth out
when I get bigger? Please, Daddy?

Yes. Things are back to normal.