Goldfish Memory (2003) - full transcript
A light-hearted look at the dangers and delights of dating in contemporary Dublin
You know goldfish have only
a three second memory.
That means if it takes 3 seconds
to swim around the bowl...
everything is new.
Each time two goldfish meet
it's like it's the first time.
It's just like humans really...
Each time we fall in love it's as
if we're doing it for the first time.
Some kind of chemical reaction
kicks in and wipes out...
all the memories of how painful
the last heartbreak was...
and we think, "Wow! This is great,
this is new, this is different!"
Like women,
forgetting the pain of childbirth.
Lovely, so we never change,
or learn, or grow.
We simply go round and round
repeating the same mistakes...
until we die?
What's the point?
- Love.
- What is love?
I brought you a present.
Tom...
- Rilke's poems?
- Yes.
In German?
Yes. With facing translations.
- Thanks.
- Here, look at page 23.
"Again and Again".
"Again and Again
Even knowing the landscape of love
And the little churchyard there
With it's sorrowing names
And the hauntingly silent abyss
Into which the others descend..."
I would think something more like...
...champagne.
- I know, bubbles.
Coo-coo!
- Holy Mother of God!
- I'm so sorry! I'm sorry.
Yeah, look, you're fine.
Sorry.
Typical.
Surprise, surprise!
It's raining on St. Patrick's Day.
That looks quite interesting.
Hi, I'm Angie Power from
the nine o'clock news.
Yeah, I recognize you.
I was wondering if you'd like to come
over and tell us what this is all about.
Sure!
- So, why are you here?
- Well, there's ample evidence...
to support the fact that Patrick
was North African and...
that many of his beliefs reflected the
teachings of ancient Egyptian religion.
The Catholic Church, of course,
has simply used Patrick as...
propaganda to squelch out the
indigenous religions of the day.
That's very interesting.
Yeah, they did the same thing
to Jesus.
Right. I'd love to hear
more about this.
Maybe you could give me
a ring sometime.
Okay. Sure.
She's the new Semiotics Professor.
She's nice, isn't she?
Not my type.
- What, over thirty?
- Yeah.
You'll have to watch yourself
with these young ones.
Why?
Apparently, one of your
recent conquests...
went off and cried to Mammy
and they filed a report.
That's ridiculous.
Getting your heart broken is
as much a part of first love...
as moonlight and roses.
God save us from Irish Mammies!
Well, you might choose
to believe that, but the Dean...
Look. I love these girls, each and every
one of them and my actions...
are dictated only by love.
I provide them with a safe place...
to blossom and when they want to,
they can move on.
- That's very noble.
- I like to think so.
"Again and again
We walk out together
Under the ancient trees
Lie down again and again
Amongst the flowers
Face to face with the heavens"
Alright. Have a great weekend
and be sure to read...
"The Sorrows of Young Werther"
for next week.
You wanted to see me?
Ah, yes. Yes, Isolde.
That was a brilliant essay.
- Really insightful.
- Oh, thanks.
No, I especially liked
your view on the notion...
of half in love that
Keats talks about.
Because of course
you've hit on his very weakness.
Being half in love is like
being half pregnant, isn't it?
Yes, that's what I think.
I mean, you either are in love,
or you aren't.
Yes.
- Are you walking out?
- Yes!
Of course, there's a difference
between love and attraction.
Oh yes, of course! Even though
attraction sometimes feels like love.
- It's a funny old business. Isn't it?
- Sometimes.
God's sake. I don't.
I just know I don't.
Anyway, it's not important.
I don't care.
I will be nice to come, you know.
You're okay?
- See you later Conzo, yeah?
- Okay. Cool.
- You speak German?
- A bit.
Ah, yes, you see I thought you
understood that Goethe quote.
- Was that a test?
- No, no, just an in-joke.
An intimate joke!
Hi. Hand delivery
to the signatory only.
Sorry, could you hold on?
I'll call you back.
...cents.
You see, it starts
with the toothbrush...
and the next thing
we're fighting over the laundry.
If you want true love and
commitment, get a puppy.
For fuck's sake!
I'd ask you up but my flat-mate sleeps
during the day. He's a security guard.
Thank you anyway.
Isolde, could you do me a little favor?
- Sure.
- Could you...
...whisper to me in German?
- Whisper to you?
Yeah.
I just adore whispered German.
- Could you?
- What should I say?
Anything.
Just tell me something you like.
Please.
- Hello. Hi, is that Red Byrne?
- Yeah.
- This is... Bozo.
- You locked your bike to mine!
It's easy knowing you don't make
a fuckin' living on a bike!
- Well, I get off work at six, so...
- Okay, I'll see you then, at the bike.
Okay, alright.
I'll see you then. Bye.
Fuckin' idiot!
Clara! Oh, my God!
What was I thinking of!
I completely...
How long have you been here?
I am so sorry!
Come in, come in.
So why did you say
you were delayed?
I had to have a little chat
with one of the students.
Which student?
- You wouldn't know her.
- What's her name?
- Isolde.
- Lovely.
- So...
- Good kisser?
- What are you talking about?
- You're a crap liar!
I saw you, Tom.
And you know...
I don't even care about
your being with other women...
or lying about it,
but you're pathetic...
and one day soon you're going
to end up a sad, lonely, old man...
with a guilty conscience.
Goodbye.
You again!
Have you got something against me?
I'm so sorry. I'm actually,
I can't believe, I just don't know...
You're alright. Would you mind
unlocking it now though?
Jesus!
Yeah, of course. Sorry.
Listen, thanks.
Listen, I want to give you something
for the wages that you've lost.
No. Don't be silly.
You just buy me a drink sometime.
Yeah, alright.
- Great! See ya!
- See ya.
Hello, Angie. It's Clara.
Hello, Clara!
No, of course I remember you.
Yes. Yes.
I'd love to.
What about Thursday night?
Perfect! Do you know Miss Julie's?
Harcourt Street, yeah. 7 o clock?
Perfect. Fantastic.
I'll see you then. Okay, bye.
Yes!
She's new.
- Hi!
- I'm so sorry I'm late.
- I got held up in work.
- No problem. How're you doing?
- I'm good, I'm good. How're you?
- I'm great.
- Would you like a drink?
- I'd love one!
Excellent.
- Love...
- I mean, what is love?
By the way,
I brought you a little something.
Thank you.
Rilke's poems!
- In the original German!
- Yes, with facing translation.
I was hoping you might
whisper one to me later...
Why don't you look at page 23?
"Again and Again".
"Again and again
Even knowing..."
You know, the usual.
I had my heart broken
in seventeen places but...
well, I learned a lot. And you?
Do you have a boyfriend?
- Not really.
- A girlfriend?
- No!
- Sorry, I just...
You know,
I didn't want to presume...
that you're straight.
I mean if you're not, it doesn't matter.
- Are you?
- I don't know.
Well, my best friend and I used to
practice kissing on each other...
when we were 13, but that
doesn't really count, does it?
Well, it depends.
Did you enjoy it?
I suppose.
Jesus!
I hadn't thought about this
until now, but...
I suppose we did it
more than once, so...
- Would you like another drink?
- Yes, please.
Are you sure you've never slept
with a woman before?
I guess I'm just a natural.
- Rosie!
- Coo-coo!
Hello.
- Nice knickers.
- Do you like them?
Sure. Are they new?
I got them for you.
Thanks, but I don't think
they'd suit me.
- You know what I mean.
- Do you want a beer?
My God!
He can't be more than 12!
Why, do you feel old?
So do I.
- I had a great time.
- Me too.
- See you tonight?
- Can't wait.
- Good morning, Eddie.
- 'Morning.
You are a divine creature.
No, no, seriously.
Seriously.
I love everything about you.
I love the way you talk.
The way you move.
The way that lock of hair
falls down over your eye.
I'm crazy about you, Isolde.
I love your name.
I love you.
I thought we were just
gonna have some fun.
But we are having fun.
Aren't we?
Let's just keep it light, okay?
I mean, I just got out of
a heavy relationship...
I don't want to get back into one.
Of course, of course.
- Sorry.
- Don't be sorry.
Well!
I'll go get dressed.
Right.
So what's today's disaster then?
Sheila Devine,
you know the wife of that T.D.
Your man that had the affair with
the woman from the newspaper?
- Only for seventeen years.
- Jesus!
Mrs. Devine, How could you not know
that she was deceiving you?
- Who?
- Sorry?
- Who? Who was deceiving me?
- Your husband.
No, no. No, I had no idea.
No idea.
Did you never suspect
that she was lying to you?
- Sorry, who?
- Your husband.
It sounded like you said "she".
- She?
- Yes. "She was lying to you."
- Who?
- That's what I mean.
- Hi!
- Hello.
- A little light reading?
- Research.
- Sure. What are you working on?
- You don't want to know.
No, really.
It's just a paper
on Quantum Physics...
and Stone-Age Architecture. You know,
spirals and algorithms and all that.
- Are you doing research?
- Yes, yes, I'm...
- I'm... There's this paper, it's sort of...
- Ready to go?
Yeah, yeah.
See you.
Bye.
- Jamie, would you please stop...
- Look.
- Don't you ever want kids?
- Jesus Christ!
I'm 22, give us a chance!
Stop it! Would you just
sit down, please.
Sorry.
- Hi. Box of matches, please.
- Box of matches.
Bozo!
How's it going?
Hi... Red.
Listen.
Drinks all around!
Well, here and here anyway.
What are you having?
Well, I...
I have to...
- I owe you a drink so...
- That's true, you do.
- I'll have a tequila, thanks.
- A tequila and...
- I'll have a pint, please.
- Great!
I'm just in the mood
to have a beer spilled on me.
Oh, when the saints
Go on the piss
When the saints go on the piss
I want to be absolutely pissed
When the saints go on the piss
Go on the piss!
Oh, when the saints...
- This is it.
- Right.
- I'd ask you up, but...
- Girlfriend.
Yeah.
- Come back to my place.
- I can't.
- Why not?
- I have a girlfriend and...
- Yeah, so you keep saying.
- And I'm not gay.
'Course you're not.
I think I love you.
I'm sorry.
Should I not have said that?
I don't like using words
like "love".
Why not?
"I love you" really means
"do you love me?" And "I own you"...
...and all that crap.
- That's not true.
You know, I don't expect you
to love me back.
It'd be nice, but...
I really like you, Angie.
Well, I really like you too.
Where are you going?
To the loo.
Sorry.
I'd love us to spend some
real time together.
I'm seeing someone else,
you know.
- Oh yeah?
- Yeah.
A woman.
- Cool!
- You don't have a problem with that?
Why should I have a problem
if you're bisexual?
Who said anything about bisexual?
Maybe I've turned lesbian.
Have you?
- Would you have a problem with that?
- No way, babe!
I believe in freedom
in every possible way.
You're beautiful. Of course everyone's
going to want you...
I can appreciate that.
So you'd be cool about me seeing her
and you at the same time?
Yeah. Sure, babe.
Why should we be limited...
to some antiquated bourgeois
concept of monogamy?
If you're attracted to someone
there's a reason for it...
and you owe it to yourself
to find out what that reason is.
Everyone in our lives is sent to us
to teach us something...
as part of our karma
from our past lives.
So if the gods see fit
to send you someone...
who are you to question
their judgment?
You just have to say yes to life,
yes to love, yes to pleasure...
you just have to say,
yes, yes, yes!
Let me smell it, let me taste it,
let me feel it!
I might die tomorrow,
give it all to me now.
- Do you know what I mean?
- Yes.
Hi! It's Isolde.
Leave message and I'll call you back.
"Chuss! Mein kleine" Isolde. Yeah,
it's me again. Look, I'm sorry...
to leave so many messages, it's just...
Look, I was worried about you, okay?
I hope you're alright. Well, you left
without a note or anything, so...
Listen, give us a ring sometime.
Look, I'm sorry to be rambling on.
I'm at home and, and I'd love
to see you, okay? Bye.
What?
You're a terrible man.
Coo-coo!
Sorry, I have to go.
Hi, it's Clara, you know what to do.
Hi, Clara. Yeah, Tom here.
Just wanted to see how you are.
- I want to go dancing!
- We can dance right here.
Okay. So you want to out dancing.
Do you never get bored
just hanging around?
- You want to go dancing?
- I want to go dancing!
- Okay. So let's go dancing!
- Good! Fine!
You know, Rosie...
you don't get a medal for the amount
of time you're sticking with a fella.
I know, I know!
I mean, every second you're unhappy
is a waste of time and that's a sin.
- God! Look, let's get another drink.
- Okay, now you're talkin'.
Hello, lovely ladies!
How would you like a little libation?
I'll go for a glass of champagne!
Wouldn't you, Rosie?
Yeah, we'll have two
kir royals, mister.
A royal nectar for a Royal Highness!
Christ, Helen!
We'll be lumbered with him all night.
We'll cadge a drink off him.
Give me two kir royales for those
two wagons in the window.
One of those two wagons
is my girlfriend.
Well...
my condolences.
You can buy her the drinks so.
Hang on! What's this?
Guess you'll just have to spend
the night with me with no men.
Cheeky beggar!
Sorry about the phone.
We must have got cut off.
- What are you doing here?
- What time do you finish?
- I can't! My girlfriend is here!
- Here? Where?
- Which one is she?
- She's over there.
Lovely! I wouldn't have thought
you'd be the dollybird type!
Oh, not her!
The other one.
- You know you could do better.
- Do you want to order something?
Yeah. I'll have a beer, thanks.
What time did you say you finish?
- How did it look?
- I looked fucking dreadful.
How come?
I mean you look great in gold.
- Hi! How's it going?
- Conzo, how are you? This is Angie.
Hi, Angie. Cool!
- Clara's told me a lot about you!
- Oh really?
- Yeah, she's some chick, wha'!
- What?
Conzo I don't mean to be rude
or anything, but...
we're kind of in the middle
of something so...
...do you mind leaving us alone?
- Sure, babe, I get you!
Lovely to meet you.
I'll see you again.
- Who was that?
- Just a guy from college.
- You told him a lot about me?
- No. He's just being obnoxious.
Yes, that's the word alright,
arrogant little prick.
I love this song.
Dance with me!
- Angie, where are you going?
- I'm leaving.
- Can I come with you?
- You can do what you like.
- Well, I'll just get my stuff.
- You mean say goodnight to him?
- No!
- I'll be outside.
Hi. It'll be a minute.
My friend's just coming.
Well now, it's a busy aul' night.
Look, turn on the meter
if you like. She'll be right here.
She'd better be 'cos if there's one
thing I fuckin' hate it's waiting.
Are you your woman off the TV?
Listen, why don't you guys go ahead,
I'll catch up with you.
No, sure we'll wait.
There's only another ten minutes.
- The boss says I have to work late!
- But you're closing.
What does he want you to do?
There's a big clean up
in the storeroom tonight.
Poor thing. Look, I'm not that
pushed about going out anyway.
I mean, I don't mind waiting.
Do you, Helen?
No, sure we can get pissed
as easily here as in Nirvana.
But this place is crap!
- David, are you alright?
- Of course I'm alright.
- But you're sweating!
- I'm fine! I'm fine!
- Time of the month?
- He's having a hot flush.
Dug in. Not tonight.
Well, how about
Thursday night then?
Yeah, okay.
See you later, Bozo.
He's nice.
- Are you coming to my place?
- Am I allowed?
- lf you want.
- What's wrong, Angie?
- I don't enjoy being made a fool of.
- What?
- What do you mean?
- I mean your friend.
- Conzo.
- Whatever!
What about him?
Is there something going on
between you two?
Not really.
Not really?
- Christ!
- What?
I don't see what the problem is. You
and I didn't swear to be monogamous.
That's a separate issue!
I don't enjoy being humiliated!
You were... You are jealous.
Jesus! I haven't got to that yet. I'm
still trying to get to the basic truth!
- Are you seeing him as well as me?
- Maybe.
Would you mind if I did?
- Honestly, yes, I would.
- Why? There's no competition.
I'm sure it's a very
enlightened idea, Clara...
but my stomach just turns
at the thought of it.
I'm only expressing
my bisexuality.
Do you really want to lock me
into a monogamous relationship?
I don't want to lock you
into anything.
If you're unfulfilled by being with
me, then you shouldn't be with me.
Then maybe
I shouldn't be with you.
- Is that what you want?
- Angie...
I can't change the way I am.
- I wouldn't want you to.
- Angie!
I do love you.
I thought you said
that word was forbidden.
Nothing is forbidden,
that's my point.
- Oh, Clara...
- I'm sorry.
I'm sorry too.
Do you want a lift pet?
- Isolde!
- Hi, Tom!
- What are you doing here?
- What are you doing here?
- You deceptive little ferret!
- Take it easy, Tom!
- Man, he's twisted out of his head.
- You miserable little...!
- What's wrong?
- Why him?
Tom, if I want to have a drink after
class it's none of your business.
Oh, so that's it?
What we had meant nothing to you?
- You are a cruel woman!
- Come on, Tom. Calm down.
Jesus, Tom!
Are you okay?
Oh, my God!
Okay. Out of here. Go on!
Go. Get off!
Come on, come on, you cowards!
Come on, I'll take on the two of you.
- What, are you afraid? Come on!
- Sad bastard.
Come on! Come on ya
big girl's blouse, come on!
Some sad bastard.
- Angie, what's wrong?
- It's Butch... He...
I'll be right over.
- I'm sorry.
- Come on, you poor thing.
Do you want me to...?
I just don't want Femme
to be lonely.
- She must be so upset.
- She'll be okay.
Look, tomorrow morning
we'll go to the pet shop, yeah?
Were you out tonight?
With Clara?
And, how's it going?
- It's over.
- Why? What happened?
She's seeing this stupid guy
as well as me.
She says she's bisexual.
- Her and everybody else.
- Don't you start.
Well, 10% of people are gay,
10% are straight...
and everyone else is bi,
that's my theory.
Well, I'm sick of theories!
- Do you want some tequila?
- Sure.
Hi Clara, yeah, Tom here.
Listen, just wanted to see you...
I'm through with women.
- Men aren't any easier.
- Women are so complicated!
Yeah, and men are
so fucking simple.
Imagine two women
having PMT at the same time.
Imagine two men
who are equally selfish.
Women are so sensitive! You know,
and every day it's something different.
Right when you think
you've got a handle on it...
something else happens and
you're right back to square one!
At least it's better than being
with someone who's incapable...
of showing their feelings and who
just cares only about themselves.
Yeah, but women have so many
feelings, you know...
and all they want to do
is express them.
The only feelings men
express are hunger and lust.
- I'd love that.
- I'd love your problems.
- To men!
- To women!
I don't think
I'll ever find true love.
Ever!
No, that's definitely not true.
Red, why can't
I just be attracted to you?
Life would be so much easier.
You're my best friend,
you understand me...
and you're gorgeous looking.
Well, and if I'd to be attracted to
any woman, I'd be attracted to you.
Rosie!
- Who did you think it was, David?
- You, Rosie. You.
- Mind if I join you?
- You must be on your own.
Yeah, I am. Why?
'Cause if you were with your
fancy lesbian lover...
...you wouldn't be speaking to me.
- Conzo, that's not true!
It is fucking true!
- I thought you were cool!
- I am cool.
I'm cool about you and whatever
you want to do in bed...
but I'm not cool about being
treated like shit! I'm out of here.
You wanted to see me?
Lucy, I just wanted to say how much
I enjoyed your essay...
on Shelley's
"Love As Death" metaphor.
- Thanks.
- Are you walking out?
- Yeah, I'm meeting somebody.
- Right.
Would you like to get
a cup of coffee sometime?
- Are you propositioning me?
- No, no, of course not.
'Cause if you are, I just wanna say
I think you're a really nice guy...
but, well, I don't really go
for older men.
- Sorry.
- No, no... I just wanted to say...
...how much I enjoyed your essay.
- Thanks. Right.
Right.
- There you go.
- Thank you, Red.
- You've saved my day.
- It's in my nature.
You know, you're more than welcome
to stay if you want.
Thanks. The idea of dining
with six lesbians is tantalizing...
but who's coming anyway?
- There's Felicity and Sophie.
- I thought they split up.
They have but, you know,
they're still friends.
Of course they are.
And Felicity's bringing
her new girlfriend, Sinead...
who actually used to be Sophie's
girlfriend before she met Felicity.
I know. It's very intricate.
And there's Emma and Jane.
- Are they still together?
- Still breaking up.
Of course, Emma and Felicity
were lovers years and years ago.
So, is there going to be anyone at
the table who isn't somebody's ex?
Well, Sinead's bringing her friend
Kate, who I haven't met before.
Of course,
she's Karen Reynolds' ex.
Well, if Kate was Karen's ex and
Karen's Suzanne's ex, then...
Kate must be your ex's ex's ex.
So, you two have got to sleep together,
you know, complete the circle.
No, I am through with love.
I'm gonna buy myself a puppy...
settle down as
a happy single person...
and quit wasting my time
kissing a bunch of frogs.
That is a good plan.
Listen, have a good time.
- What are you up to tonight?
- I'm meeting Prince Charming.
Take care, Kate!
See you later, bye!
- Bye bye, thanks.
- Bye.
- Next time, don't invite Felicity.
- Yes. Goodnight.
Kate.
- Some more wine?
- Why not?
- Thank you.
- "Slainte".
I'm so sorry, Rosie.
Look, I deserve that.
You deserve far worse
than that, David.
Please, please just try
and understand.
- I've been in hell...
- No, David. No!
I'm sorry, but this is not the time
to be looking for sympathy!
You can look for that
from your fucking boyfriend!
I'll keep the flat, you move out.
- Okay, if that's what you want.
- lf that's what I want?
Like any of this is what I want!
Like what I wanted was
to be dumped for a man!
Rosie, that's not what's happening.
I want you gone
by the time I get home.
I don't have anywhere to go.
Frankly, David...
I don't give a shit!
Hi...
Isolde.
Hi...
- Clara.
- Clara.
- How're you doing?
- I'm, I'm grand. And yourself?
Good, thanks.
Well... see you around.
Okay, bye!
- Hi, Red.
- Hey, how's it going?
Good.
Are you going on holidays?
No, I told Rosie about us,
she kicked me out.
Shit!
Listen, I was just wondering,
do you think I could...
maybe leave my stuff with you for a
little while I go and look at a flat?
No problem. Look, come on in.
You can leave it in here.
Just throw it in the corner there.
Are you alright?
Do you want a drink, a cup of tea...?
No, thanks.
Look, I'll just head off.
- It shouldn't take long.
- Alright.
- Listen. Thanks, Red.
- It's okay.
Look, fuck it.
Why don't you stay here the night?
- No, I can't, I...
- Look, I've the day off.
There's a nice cozy
warm bed down there...
and a three day old Indian
in the fridge.
- Alright. Well, in that case...
- Yeah, come on.
Okay.
Just for tonight alright?
Well, fuck it.
It's only one night.
"And further on a group
of Grecian girls...
the first and tallest
her white kerchief waving...
were strung together
like a row of pearls...
linked hand in hand and dancing, each
too having down her white neck...
long floating auburn curls, the least
of which would set ten poets raving...
their leader sang and bounded to her
song, with choral step and voice...
the virgin throng."
All these romantics go on about
is love, love, love.
Well, you know what? They were
lucky, they all died young.
In poetically tragic circumstances,
of course. They had it easy...
they didn't have to suffer through
the shit like the rest of us!
Life is great when
you're dead by thirty.
What would you all know?
So you've been working here
for four years?
Five now, actually. Almost.
- Look at the pink flower, Mammy.
- Look, isn't she gorgeous?
Oh yeah!
Do you ever want to have kids?
Well... yeah, I do...
one day.
How about you?
I would. Yeah.
Is that its real name?
It is. Yeah.
You didn't think I was gonna let this
pass without a celebration, did you?
Helen, thanks.
I need it.
Perfect! You're welcome
to enjoy the labor pains.
Right.
And you can do the night feeds.
With pleasure.
Hi again, Isolde.
Hi...
...Clara.
- Yeah.
I'm...
I'm very sorry, but...
...how do we know each other?
- Well, you know Tom Lawless?
- He was cheating on me with you.
- Oh my God! I'm so sorry.
No, please.
I'm sorry for you.
- I'm sorry for both of us.
- You're not seeing him anymore then?
Jesus, I was never "seeing" him.
I mean...
it was a mistaken fling
that he took too seriously.
Oh God, the prat!
- I mean no offense.
- You're not offending me.
- Did he pull the Rilke spiel on you?
- Oh yeah!
- Did he do the goldfish speech on you?
- Yes!
Are you alright?
The only person who'd care if I did
myself in now would be my mother.
And she'd only be troubled
by the inconvenience.
- That's not true.
- You don't know my mother!
No. I would care.
Thanks.
That's very kind of you to say so.
Thank you for saving my life.
It wasn't high enough
to kill you anyway.
I might have fractured my wrist...
or scraped my knee!
Excuse me. Would you get your man
over there whichever he's having?
- Thanks.
- Helen, what are you at now?
It's only a bit of fun.
We both know the only cure
for heartache is a good ride.
Sir, if you'll have another drink, it's
coming from those 2 ladies over there.
He's alright.
- Not really my type.
- Rosie...
you're "type" is at this moment
having sex with a man.
I'm trying to expand
your range here.
He's coming over.
Hi, sorry. I don't mean to intrude,
I just wanted to...
...thank you for the drink.
- You're welcome.
- Would you like to join us?
- No, no...
Okay, yeah, I'll...
I'll just get my drink.
"Ein den kleine..."
Oh, my God!
You speak German!
A bit.
Read some more.
Please.
Rilke, I mean you could
at least choose Schiller.
I can't believe you speak German.
- What's this?
- What?
Tom Lawless.
That's you!
- No, give that to me.
- No, I'd really like to see it.
No, please just give it to me.
It's the least you could do
after I saved your life.
Look, I was a kid when I wrote that.
I didn't know what I was doing.
That's really nice, Tom. There's
great potential here. What happened?
- What do you mean?
- Do you still write?
No. No, not poetry.
The odd academic article
just to keep my job.
- But why not?
- You know, it's work and everything.
Alright! I'm lazy.
I'm a lazy good for nothing,
cowardly, philandering...
has-been, bad poet.
Alright?
So now that you know,
you can be on your way. Go on!
I'm still drinking my cocoa.
- So do you have a boyfriend?
- Not at the moment.
- Girlfriend?
- No.
Sorry, I just didn't want to assume
you were straight or anything.
- Ever been with a woman?
- No! Well, I've nothing against the idea.
It's just, you know,
I can't see how you can really...
Well, I don't know.
I'm into, you know...
...sex.
- Me too.
Yippee!
- Can we do that again?
- Alright!
Thanks for seeing me home.
I'm sorry if Helen put you on the spot.
No, no, she was... fun.
- I should go.
- Yeah.
Could I walk you to your door?
If you like.
- Be back in a minute.
- Here, I'm not waiting all night!
- Tide and me wait for no man!
- I'll make it worth your while.
Just make it quick.
I...
I'm really glad to have met you.
You too.
I mean, me too.
I never know what to say
in these situations, like...
"me too" and "you too".
You know what I mean?
Like if I say "me too" then does
that mean I'm really glad...
to have met me and if I say
"you too" does it mean that...
Here!
I'm a busy man!
I suppose I should go.
Well, you can come in if you like.
- I'd like that very much.
- Me too.
Renee, Renee, Renee...
buffet...
billet...
bidet...
So, if you did have our baby,
who would be the father?
The killer detail!
I don't know. What do you think?
What about Red?
You two are so close.
It would be weird.
What about your brothers?
One of them is twelve.
The other's married to a battleaxe.
- What about an anonymous donor?
- What if you get an axe murderer?
No, you can choose.
They have like menus on the internet.
What kind of weirdoes
donate their sperm?
I don't know.
Egomaniacs I suppose.
I'd rather go off to Greece and find
some strapping young Adonis...
than just play Russian Roulette.
Yeah, but you wouldn't know
what weird genetic defects...
he might be carrying with him.
Plus, wouldn't you have
to have sex with him?
I just wish I could
get pregnant by you.
Me too.
You know goldfish have
only a three second memory?
Really? And how do they test
the memory of a goldfish?
I don't know.
Flashcards?
It's an urban myth.
Well, but don't you think
humans in love are like that?
You know, we fall in love and we
forget all the pain and everything.
How long was your last relationship?
- About three months.
- And before that?
I don't know, maybe...
about the same.
- Before that?
- Look, I don't see what this...
- Couple of months?
- Give or take, yeah.
Maybe you're just a goldfish, Tom.
There it is!
"Private fertility" and...
What we do? "Donor search".
- Right.
- Good.
- Look!
- Here we go!
Here's Brad, 24, likes
surfing and snowboarding.
And has like totally no brain cells.
Philippe, 26, is a male model
studying to be a neurosurgeon.
This is like blind date.
"Philippe, what do you like to do
on cold winter evenings?"
Bill, from Tucson, Arizona won the
Mr. America Western Semi-Finals.
What if we had a black baby?
- What about me?
- Sorry?
I mean, if you're that desperate
for sperm, what's wrong with me?
I've got decent genes.
Apart from Auntie Eithne.
No, thank you.
But thanks anyway.
Meet Ricky,
a Hawaiian ichthyologist.
Now, don't be surprised
if Mammy asks about kids.
She's got visions of 17 grandchildren
dancing 'round her feet.
Fine by me. I've always fancied
having loads of kids, haven't you?
Well, I don't know.
I mean...
I have to deal with kids all day
in the nursery and...
I think one would be as much
as I'd want to handle at home.
- Really?
- Well, yeah.
Well, that's, we don't...
We just play it by ear.
Exactly! It's not like we have
to decide right this second.
Exactly.
- By the way, let on you're a Catholic.
- Okay. What?
- Mammy!
- You're late.
- So what did you do last night?
- I went out with Shane.
- So, what did you do?
- Just had a few drinks.
Did you sleep with him?
I thought we had
an open relationship.
- I was just asking.
- Yes, I did.
I knew it! He's had his eye on you
since the moment he met you!
He's only been waiting for a chance
to drag you into bed.
- Well, I wasn't exactly dragged.
- How could you sleep with him?
I didn't ask you how you could
sleep with that Conzo creep!
Jesus, Clara!
- You said you were cool about it.
- I am cool about it.
- Where are you going?
- Call me when you grow up.
I thought I did well with the whole
Catholic thing. Didn't you?
You were great. I mean, there's a
difference between communion...
and confirmation, but you'll learn
all about that when you convert.
- Yeah right!
- I'm serious.
If we're to be married in a church
you'll have to convert.
No, I'm sorry...
I mean...
faking it to your parents
is one thing.
I'm not seriously gonna convert.
- It'll break Mammy's heart.
- I'm not marrying Mammy.
- We'll sort something out.
- I'm sure.
- Do you know what day this is?
- No.
It's our three month anniversary.
- That's very sweet of you to notice!
- I'm a very sweet guy.
Best of three.
Best of nine.
Oh God!
I had to tell you in person.
Has someone died?
- You're never going to believe this.
- You've won the lottery?
I'm pregnant.
Congratulations!
That's wonderful!
- I still can't get my head round it.
- But that's a miracle!
We should celebrate! What did you...?
Did you and Kate...
...do the old turkey baster thing?
- Red!
I know it's a bit kinky,
but if you're into kitchen utensils...
- Kate doesn't even know yet.
- Sorry?
Red, I'm so scared that she's gonna
leave me when she finds out.
What? Sorry now,
I'm completely confused.
Who did you...?
- You haven't gone straight, have you?
- Red!
- Remember...?
- Remember what?
Angie!
Angie...
You mean...?
Oh Mother of God!
You're winding me up!
- No, I'm not.
- Are you absolutely sure, sure?
Thirteen pregnancy tests!
I think so!
But how could that happen?
We used a condom!
One very determined little sperm.
- What are you going to do?
- I don't know.
I have to talk to Kate about it.
Look, I don't think I'd be
the greatest dad in the world...
Red, this isn't just about you,
you know.
But, I know, I know...
It's just...
I'm sorry,
I'm a little shocked.
So am I.
- Do you want a drink?
- Yes! Please.
Not tequila.
- Are you not having one?
- Not in my condition.
Look at me, Dad!
You're very fast.
Can we have fish fingers
for dinner tonight, Dad?
- Please, please, please!
- We'll ask your mother.
I love you, Dad!
Go away!
Pervert!
I'll call the Guards on you!
I'm serious now.
I am a politician's wife...
and have some power.
No, I'm a Dad.
- God help us all!
- Yes!
God help us all.
Jesus, David, this is stupid!
If I wanted a wife and kids
I could've just stayed with Rosie.
- You said you were gay!
- Well, you said you weren't!
- Well, I'm not!
- Well, I am!
- I'm gonna have to go.
- Can we not talk about it?
I'll call you.
I... I wrote you a poem.
- Really?
- I'm, it's really bad, but...
...would you like to see it?
- You read it.
"Simply to love you
Shall suffice today
So let us leave the gift
Of its return
Until some later hand
Has shaped my clay
Over and over
Fitter for your name
And if that secret hand
Should never learn a new perfection
On the endless wheel
Ever my love
Must strengthen in the flame
And make me true
Upon a rack of steel
I shall not weary
If you dare to say
Ages of life as swiftly shall begun
As tumbling sands
Within the living glass
Oh promised you
How could I curse the way
Or from the shadows
To the shadows pass
And not feel nearer sudden
shafts of dawn."
Smell this.
It's got pulverized
primrose petals and...
placenta!
Listen, Rosie, on the 15 of next month
I have to go to Galway...
for a conference and I thought I might
go out to Connemara for three days.
What? Why?
That's only four days
before the wedding.
- There's so much to do.
- I know, I know.
I just think I need to be by myself,
just for a little while... contemplating.
Contemplating? What are you turning
into? Some kind of monk?
No, no.
I just need to sort my head out.
You know, the druids
used to go into the temple...
for three days and nights
by themselves, to get inspiration.
Druids!
Now you're a druid?
I'm not druid.
I just really think I need to do this.
And I thought three days
had a sort of power about it.
- Like Christ in the tomb.
- So now you're Christ resurrected?
- lf you can't understand that...
- Why can't you understand...
that I need a bit of help in the run up?
It's a major event, you know.
It takes a huge amount of
planning and organization.
I know. I thought maybe one of your
13 bridesmaids might help you there.
Typical man! Just leave all
the hard work to the women...
Rosie, Rosie...
Is this the way it's going to be
for the rest of our lives?
No.
It gets worse.
Have you ever thought
about getting married?
Is that a proposal?
No, no! God, no!
No, I was just wondering,
you know...
Theoretically.
I don't know, it's...
Sorry. I was just thinking
out loud, I think...
Sorry.
- I got a job offer today.
- Really? From where?
Boston University.
- Boston, America?
- Yes.
- What did you say?
- I told them I'd think about it.
- Are you going to take it?
- That depends.
I have to let them know
as soon as possible.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Well, congratulations!
Are they offering tenure?
Tom?
- Am I wasting my time completely?
- How do you mean?
Forget it. You've just
answered my question.
- Now, what are you talking about?
- Just forget it.
- What?
- I'm not 22 anymore.
- I don't care.
- I do.
- I don't get it.
- I know.
I think I love you.
I think I love you too.
You have no messages.
Sad bastard.
But surely you can
understand people's shock...
at the idea of a lesbian couple
raising a child?
I'm well aware of their prejudices.
But let me share with you an article
from last week's paper.
I quote,
"Lesbians make better parents...
because they are better at
dividing up household tasks...
spending more time with their children
and organizing...
alternative methods of work whereby
each can spend more time at home."
Yes, but every child needs a father!
- My child has a father.
- What, did you think it was...
the virgin birth?
Thanks for meeting up
with me, Isolde.
I just wanted to say
that I am really, really sorry...
about that stupid incident
at the gallery.
You don't have to apologize.
I wanted to see you.
Really?
Cool! I mean good because, well...
I just wanted to say that...
well, if you could ever bring
yourself to seeing me again...
like I would be totally cool about
the way you wanted to play things.
- Clara, I really like you.
- I really like you too.
Look...
do you want to be my girlfriend
for the next week, exclusive like...
and then we can renew or not
next week, no pressure?
Yeah.
That'd be great.
- Good!
- Good!
Mother of Divine Jesus!
The Mirage Atlantis XL
travel system.
Check this out! Look at the
suspension on this baby!
Absolutely fantastic!
An amazing drive with...!
- I'm terribly sorry, I didn't mean...
- This is the Atlantis here.
- I'll do it! It's fine.
- It's broke.
- Red, it's here!
- Stand over there, please.
It has a car seat included,
lockable front swivel wheels...
a removable washable
seat pad and weather shield...
...and a handy parent tray.
- What's that for? Cocktails?
It also has a comfortable,
two-position lie-flat seat.
Genius!
Let's get it in silver.
- I prefer black.
- But silver's much nicer!
I found the right model
so I get to choose the color.
- That's not fair!
- Yes, it is!
- It isn't!
- Yes it is!
- It is not!
- We also have an aqua one here.
- We'll take it!
- We'll take it!
"We are pleased to inform you
that we'd like to...
publish one of your poems."
Hi, this is Renee.
Sorry, I can't get to the phone...
but if you leave a message
I'll give you a call back. Thanks.
It has a car seat included lockable
front swivel wheels...
a removable and
washable seat pad...
a weather shield and have a look,
a handy little tray for your Martinis.
That's great, Red.
Thank you.
It's the least a
proud Daddy can do.
You're not going to believe it!
Those lads are a stag party!
A stag party and a hen party!
Quick!
Bride and Groom!
Bride and Groom!
- Bride and Groom!
- Bride and Groom!
Bride and Groom!
Bride and Groom!
Are you happy
to be getting married?
- I suppose. Are you?
- Yeah.
- You don't sound too sure.
- Well, it's just...
Can you imagine never making love
with anybody else in your life...
ever again?
Rosie, we know you're in there!
- We'll get them when they come out.
- Yeah!
Is this the right woman,
the right time?
Give me a sign...
any kind of a sign.
A near miss.
"Dear Larry...
This is the hardest thing
I've ever had to do.
But, neither of us wants
to make each other unhappy...
neither of us wants to live a lie.
If I can even be attracted
to another man...
then I'm sure you'll agree
I'm not ready for marriage.
I'm so sorry to be
telling you this way, but...
well, maybe it's for the best.
I will always love you.
Rosie."
I don't know what the
right thing to do is, Rosie.
I do love you.
It's just...
I don't think I can go through
with this. Fuck!
Hi, Tom. It's me.
I'm going to meet the man from
Boston University today...
and it's pretty obvious
what my answer will have to be.
I'm sorry it ends up I have to say
goodbye on an answering machine...
but maybe it's better this way.
Fuck's sake, man!
Have you ever heard of a hangover?
- Where is she?
- Are you her Dad?
- What?
- Are you her Dad?
- 'Cause if you are she's not here.
- Who?
- Who're you looking for?
- Renee!
The woman who lives next door!
Where is she?
She's a redhead? Kind of cute
in a Scarlett O'Hara kind of way?
No fuckin' idea.
Is she not at home?
You're very welcome!
Jesus, I thought it was your Dad!
For God's sake, come on!
- What's happening?
- Your man in front there won't move.
Hurry up!
- How much?
- You're alright.
- I love a good high speed chase.
- Thanks! Listen if you'd like to wait...
...we should be right back!
- Wait? Wait? I fucking hate waiting!
I'm not hanging around here!
Renee!
Where do you think you're going?
Come back here now! Come back!
Renee?
Renee.
Renee.
Gotcha now!
Thank you!
Thank you, God!
Thank you!
Oh thank you!
Thank you!
Thank you!
He shoots! He misses!
Thank you!
Thank you, God!
Here they are now! Look!
She is gorgeous!
- What's her name?
- Latifah.
Latifah? Lovely.
- Good luck.
- Thanks a lot.
You'd make a lovely mother.
Thanks, guys.
She'll look great in it.
No problem.
It looks like motherhood
really suits you both.
Really, we're loving it.
In fact, that's what we wanted
to talk to you about.
- Now?
- Yeah.
We were wondering...
Kate?
Well, I...
You know, I've always
wanted to have a... a child...
We want to...
that is, I want to...
Go on. It's okay.
Don't be nervous.
You see, we...
We were wondering, David,
if you would like to have a baby?
- Sorry! Sorry!
- Thanks, David.
- What about you?
- Me?
- I was gilted.
- No!
Yeah! Runaway bride. She took off
with some rugger-bugger...
on our honeymoon tickets to Rio.
- You must have been devastated!
- To be honest...
I was having one
or two doubts of my own.
I got over it.
You know, goldfish have only
a three second memory.
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