Going Overboard (1989) - full transcript

( flies buzzing )

( helicopter whirring )

''Eat me.''

''Blondes Prefer Cucumbers.''

''Patty Does Panama.''

''Rub Me Raw.''

What the hell is this?

''The Unsinkable Schecky...

Moskowitz.''

The Unsinkable...

Schecky Moskowitz.



( upbeat reggae style
music begins )

Schecky Moskowitz.

Schecky's very ugly.

When I speak to him
I want to vomit.

I was in the elevator with him
the other day,

and there was a--
a foul smell.

He has great concepts
about life...

but, I wouldn't want him
to touch me.

( Caribbean/reggae music playing )

Hey there.
I'm Schecky Moskowitz.

Thank you.

See you later, Mr. Cab Driver.

Hey, how are ya?

Well, what you're about to see
is a fictitious,



loosely thrown together story

about a sea cruise waiter,
me, right here,

who dreams of becoming
a stand-up comedian.

This story in based entirely
on the fact that

we had access to this nice
big boat here,

and a lot of good lookin' women.

I mean really good lookin' women.

Beauty pageant girls.

- Hi.
- Hola.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Hello.
- Hello.

G'day.

Unbelievable. Beautiful.
Very clean women.

Oh, oh, yeah.
I wanted to tell ya.

Um, this is a ''no budget flick,''
not a ''low budget flick.''

No budget, just like this would
be an earthquake right here.

( rumbling sounds -
dramatic music plays )

See, that didn't cost us
anything right there.

Now enjoy the flick.
I'll see you later.

- ( horn blowing )
- All ashore that's going ashore.

All right, here we are
on the deck,

ready to rock n' roll.
Start the picture.

I'm here in my waiter
suit right now.

Oh, shoot!
I'll be right back.

( horn blows )

Ah, ha, ha.
Now that's better right here.

Hey, waiter!

- Where's my bloody Mary ?
- Ah, yes.

- And make it bloody.
- Ah, yes, sir.

Hey, asshole!

( gulping )

- Bring me another one.
- Ah, yes, ma'am.

( flatulence sound )

( laughing heard )

I'll tell ya, I was doing that
with a girl last week, right?

She was goin' crazy.

She was bitin' my nipples,
she was pullin' my chest hairs.

Crazy right?

Finally I go,
''Hey, this has gotta stop.

- I said, ''Hey, mom.''
- ( laughing )

All right, all right.
Let me tell you this one.

Last Wednesday, right,
I'm over at this guy's house.

We're playing chess,
you know a game of chess?

Finally I said, ''Hey, this shit's
boring the shit out of me.''

So I took the chess piece,
I shoved it in his eye.

- I shoved it in his eye.
- ( laughing )

I said, ''There's fuckin'
chess eyes for ya.''

You know what I'm saying ?

( laughing )

You know what I'm sayin', right?

I went swimmin' on the boat
the other morning, right?

While I'm swimmin',
my dick shrivels up.

Jesus Christ! My pubic hair
had my penis hostage.

You know what I'm saying?

You know what I'm saying, right?

( continues laughing )

Schecky! Schecky!

- Oh, hi, Bob.
- What are you doin'?

Just listenin' to that guy
over there.

The guy with the girls
drooling all over him?

Yeah, Dicky Diamond.
That's the ship comedian.

Oh. I guess that means you
didn't convince the Captain

to hire you as ship comedian.

I guess that's what ''Get out of my
office, you no-talent loser'' meant.

- No, I didn't get the job.
- Tough break.

I'm funnier than that guy,
don't you think?

I don't know,
I haven't heard him.

- Wait.
- I got this chick, right?

She's got a scissors hold like
a fuckin' wrestler or somethin'.

She's got a scissors hold
on my neck, right?

I'm choking, I'm fuckin' dyin'.

Finally I said, ''Hey, Grandma,

take your fuckin' varicose
sticks off my neck, will ya?''

( laughs )

That guy's pretty funny, Scheck.

Oh, man,
the guy's talkin' about incest.

That's not funny.
The guy needs help.

I could get laughs with that.

The guy probably farts
on stage, too.

Hey, hey, hey.
Pull my finger, pull my finger.

- ( flatulent sound )
- ( laughing )

All my life I just wanted to
get on stage and make people laugh,

but nobody gives
me a chance around here.

I'm funny. I just want them
to hear what I got to say.

I got certain things
I want to talk about,

maybe they'd be interested
in hearing, you know?

Passenger: Hey, waiter!
My wife's throwin' up!

Quick, get me a towel.

Sorry, I'm on break.

Hey, how are ya?
Didn't see you there.

Well, let's see, what happened?
Where were we?

After I finished cleaning up
that lady's vomit,

I worked a few more hours
then I took a little break,

and during that break
I wrote a few new jokes

and I think they're good.
I'm very happy with myself right now.

See, what I'm gonna do,
I gonna ask Dicky Diamond

if I can open for him
just one of these nights.

- ( knocking )
- What, did you hear that?

I'll bet that's my best friend, Bob.

- Hey, Schecky.
- Hey.

Who you talkin' to?

I'm talkin' to that camera right there.

Oh. So, you ready for work?

I am ready for work,
but, I was wonderin'

before we go, think I can run a
few things by you, a few jokes?

Just like a little improvisation?
You give me your honest opinion.

No problem.

- I'm all audience.
- All right. Here we go.

All right. Hey, how you
guys doin' out there tonight?

- Fine.
- Oh, what's your name, pal?
Where you from?

- Bob from California.
- Bob from California.

Whoa! Bob from California.

- ( laughing )
- Bob from California. Whoo!

I can't think of anything funny.

Was that part of your act?

No. I-- I stink at this.
I'm not funny.

Not true.
I think you're very funny.

I think you're funny naturally.

As soon as you get up on stage,
people are going to laugh.

Are you ever goin' to get on a stage?

Hopefully, because
I'm gonna ask Mr. Dicky Diamond

if I can open for him
one of these nights.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Oh, we better get out of here
because Dicky Diamond's

doin' his afternoon set on the deck,
so let's go check that out.

Right.

I'll tell ya.
Sometimes it gets really hot,

and nothin' moves on your
whole body.

The only thing that you can possibly
move is your middle finger. That's it.

( laughing )

Like, yo.
Hey, buddy, right there.

I'm sorry, sometimes you get so hot,
you're driving your car,

you're in a human microwave,
you know?

you're in your car,
you're flippin' off everybody, right?

You're pissed off, flippin'.
If this was a knife,

I'd poke you right in the eye,
buddy, you know?

I'm driving, finally that's it,
I'm way too hot, right?

I say, ''I'm goin' to get
something to drink.''

I go, I get a six-pack,
I'm drinkin', I'm drivin', right?

A cop pulls me over he says,
''Are you drinkin'?''

- ''Of course I'm fuckin' drinkin'.
- ( audience laughs)

It's fuckin' hot!''

- Hey, what's your name?
- Bunny Miller.

Bunny Miller,
is that a Jewish name?

Boy, a nice Jewish name like that.

So, where did
your mother pop you out?

- What?
- ( audience laughs )

Where did you burst your bag,
Bunny, come on?

- I'm sorry.
- Oh, you're sorry.

Bunny come on, it's not a fuckin'
genius question here.

( makes a buzzer sound )
You lose, Bun. Guess what?

You lose.
You know what happens to losers?

You get your bathing suit
ripped off and shoved up your ass.

( Dicky laughing )

Hey, hey, hey. Why don't
you just leave the girl alone,

and stick to your comedy?

Uh-oh. Mr. Heckler.
Mr. Big Man from Hell.

The Hell heckler is here, folks.

Oh, my God. Look, he's so big.

All I'm sayin' is, why don't
you lay off the girl.

Lay the girl?
That's a sick thing, man.

That's sick. Right in front
of all these people?

That's really a sick thing.
( laughs )

Okay, fine.
I'm just gonna have to shoot you.

( gunshot - applause )

I'll tell you, there's nothin'
heavier that a dead comedian.

- ( drum rim shot )
- ( laughter )

Thank you. I was talking to my father
the other day on the phone,

and he said to me, ''Schecky,''
um, he calls me Schecky,

'cause that's my name
and I don't answer to Bob much.

( rim shot )

He said, ''Schecky,
I want you to marry a girl

with the same beliefs as the family.''

I was kinda like,

''Uh, dad, why should I marry
a girl that thinks I'm a schmuck?''

- ( rim shot )
- ( light laughter )

Thank you.
Thank you very much.

Well, my name is Schecky,
my father's name is Schecky.

Having the same name as your father,
that's very weird.

It was all right till
my voice changed.

My friends would call up and
say, ''Hi, is Schecky there?''

My father would say,
''This is Schecky.''

My friends would say, ''Hey Schecky,
you were so wasted last night.''

- ( rim shot )
- ( laughter )

All right, now look.

On your last tour we sold
at least a million T-shirts.

A million of 'em.

We did a hundred-thousand of
the Croaker spiked arm bracelets.

But, I still think it would be
in your best interest

to approve the action doll
for your younger audience.

For the nine-year-olds,
the ten-year-olds.

Yeah, but I don't wanna be
no fuckin' Barbie doll, Mort.

That can't be good
for my image, man.

Croaker, listen to me,
listen to me, baby.

- You listening?
- I'm listening.

Okay, 'cause it doesn't look
like you're listening to me.

What do I got do, shove my
fuckin' ear against your mouth?

All right, Croaker,
just listen to me.

We need the doll.

Last April, we trashed four
Porches and one Harley Davidson.

The hotel that you
burned down is suing us.

They're suing us!
We need the doll! We need it!

Why not a poster?
Why not a lunch box?

Why does it have
to be a Barbie doll?

It's not a Barbie doll,
it's a fuckin' action figure, Croaker.

An action figure!
It's like a Rambo doll,

or like one of those
transformer things.

It's an action figure,
it's macho.

It's macho, Croaker.
Macho.

Croaker, I talked to Saul.

Saul says we can make
4O million off it.

- Forty million?
- Forty million.

- Four ''D'' million?
- Forty million.

Action figure, huh?

That's cool, man.
That's cool.

But make sure it ain't smilin'.

Yeah, It's all right.
Waiter!

You see, these guys have nothin'
to do with this flick, but,

we threw 'em in for a little
variety, whatever that means.

May I help you guys?

Yeah, drinks all around, man.
Bambi, what can I get for you?

Um, actually,
I have an aerobics class,

so, um, I'm gonna take
a rain man on that.

Oh, God. I mean a rain check.
( laughs )

No problem, babe.

Man, oh man.
I never get sick of that, man.

May I get you a drink?

Yeah, get me one of them
tropical drinks

with like, ah, levels to them
and an umbrella and fruit.

Well, they come in two flavors.
Green or black?

- Black.
- Can I get you one?

- A drink?
- Yeah, whatever.

Say, you know I used to work
as a waiter once.

Back before I was a
multi-billionaire.

Mort: Millionaire, Croaker.
Millionaire.

Millionaire.

It was at one of these
rib restaurants, man.

and, uh... I was--
It was like--

I'd have to touch all these
people's chewed up food,

and it would get stuck
underneath my fingernails, man,

and it would just
sit there for days.

And it would stink!

- ( sarcastic laugh )
- I hated that job, man.

- Excuse me.
- Excuse me. Can we please have
your autograph?

All right. Chicks, man.

I'll sign autographs
for you bitches, man.

Just say, ''To Pamie and Liz,

you were great
last night, Love Croaker.''

All right!

Hey, Mort, how do you spell
''great'', man?

G-R-E-A-T.

All right!

Thank you.

You in a band or somethin'?

Yeah, I'm the lead singer
for Yellow Teeth.

We had the number one
song last week,

''I Wanna Slap Your Cat.''

" I wanna slap your cat. "

" That's where it's at. "

I'll go get you that drink,
all right?

Whoa, that guy's fucked
in the head right there.

I just don't understand it.

Why do sleazy guys like that
get chicks, you know?

Just 'cause they got millions and
millions of dollars, it makes me sick.

If I had a million dollars...

Actually, I'd take a hundred
and bury it

and hopefully somebody poor
would find it.

If I had a million dollars...

...I would buy another
fur coat.

Spend it on clothes.

Put it in the bank
and think about it.

I'd put it in the bank.

If I had a million dollars, the first
thing I'd buy would be a Mercedes.

I'd buy up all the Clearasil,
so I could pop everybody's pimples,

because they wouldn't be able
to get rid of them.

Mmm. Pus.

( Reggae music playing )

Hey, there. Hi.

Well, I got off work
a little early tonight,

so, I figured I'd hang out at the
bar with my good friend, Bob, here.

What these guys are doin' here
I really have no idea, but,

I really can't
know everything, can I?

I'll just finish up by tellin'
Bob this joke about a farmer.

Let's see how he reacts to it,
all right?

I don't get it, Schecky.

The farmer wears the condom
for eight years?

Explain it to me.

Ah... no, I can't explain
it to you.

I guess I must have told
the joke wrong.

- Oh.
- I got it, man.

I thought that joke
was really funny.

- Really?
- Yeah.

( chuckles )

Hey, did I ever tell you that
I used to be a waiter once?

- You were?
- Yeah.

It was at this restaurant, man.

And I hated that job, man,

because, I'd have to touch all
these people's chewed up food.

Do you know what I would do?

I would go into the bathroom
during my shift,

and I'd do a number two.

- Yeah?
- And I wouldn't wash my hands.

- ( laughing )
- I think that's illegal, man.

- Hi, Croaker.
- Hey, babe.

- Hey, who's the other babe?
- This is my friend, Bluebell.

I brought her along for your
friend Mort, like you told me to.

- All right.
- Jesus Christ, Croaker,

what, you payin' chicks
to be with me again?

You think I don't know
that you pay 'em to sleep with me?

I'm not payin' anybody, man.
She wants you, check it out.

Okay, this is the guy I have
to sleep with...

to get to Croaker?

Okay, come on.
Come on! Let's go!

Well, this is great.

This is great.

Rock on, man.

Hey, hey.
Somethin' wrong?

- No, no.
- Aw, come on.

Aw, well, yeah.
Somethin', a little, I guess.

Women don't like me.
I'm not funny.

That's not true.
You're very funny.

Yeah, maybe.

I'm definitely still going to ask
Dicky Diamond if I can open for him.

- Bob?
- Yeah?

Am I at all good looking?

Yeah, yeah.
You look fine.

Well, seriously, who do you think
is better lookin', me or you?

( laughs ) That's easy,
I mean, me.

( sighs )

I've been watching you,
waiter boy.

Your name's Bob, isn't it?

Yes it is.
It's Bob.

I think we should go look
at the moon together.

- Don't you?
- Yes, I do.

I think that's a very, very,
very good idea.

See you later, Schecky.

- Uh, hi.
- What the hell do you mean by that?

- I just meant, hi.
- I can't believe it.

Can't a girl come into a bar
and have some peace?

Oh, all I said was, ''Hi.''

( sighs )
Yeah? well, fuck you.

Hey, beertender, get me a brew,
will you?

( flatulence sounds )

Hey, you're Dicky Diamond.
You're the ship comedian.

Yeah.

That's me, Dicky Diamond.

What a minute,
I know who you are.

You're that psycho waiter that
keeps watching me from the audience.

Oh, yeah.
I am a waiter.

But, uh, actually,
I'm a stand-up comedian, too.

I do stand-up.

I'm a waiter here
till I get stage time.

That's great, kid.
What the hell are you tellin' me for?

Well, I was just wondering,

maybe, um, I could open up
for you just one night?

Open up for Dicky Diamond, huh?
( chuckles )

Kid what do you think this is,
The fuckin' Tonight Show?

It's a boat.

I know that.
I was just wondering--

All I'm sayin' is maybe
I could--

Let me just tell you
a few of my jokes.

I'll tell you a few of my jokes,
maybe you could listen.

Um... all right there's
this fat, old lady,

( clears throat )
and she walks into this bar.

She's coughing,
she's really coughing.

- She--
- Whoa, whoa, kid.

You're probably a really
funny guy, you know.

I can tell just by the way
you're telling it.

But you know what?
I just came down here

to wait for my girlfriend,
and have a beer, relax a little bit,

not sit at the bar and hear
some dumb-ass comic,

tell me some stupid fuckin'
jokes, all right?

Oh, I was tryin'-- I was just
was wondering if I could--

All I'm askin' for is maybe
I could go up one night.

Just go up and open for you,
it's not a big deal.

Listen, kid, I don't care.

I don't care what you're
saying, you get that?

I don't care. I don't give a
flying fuck what you're saying.

All right? Great.

I know what you're sayin',
I'm sorry if I'm buggin' you.

But, all I wanted to do--
I mean I work on the ship, too.

I was wondering if you could
just let me go up for--

Kid, I don't care.

I'm not tryin' to ask anything
that's that big of a deal.

All I want to do is just maybe
open up for you.

- I mean--
- I don't care!

- Hey...
- Hi, Dicky.

Where were you, baby?

In the
bathroom thinking of you.

Oh, that's cute.

Come on, why don't you give
Mr. Giggles a little kiss?

Not in front of that pervert.

This guy say something to you?

No, he just tried to pick up
on me, big time.

Just stand back.
Did you say something to my girlfriend?

- No, I---
- I think you did, man.

There's your punch line,
ya stupid fuck.

Oh, man.
( sighs )

That guy is uncool.

You know what they say?

Behind the mask of a clown,
lies a trail of tears.

My jaw's killin' me.

Schecky, why don't you go home
and go to bed?

Yeah. All right.

I'll just go home and go to bed.

Alone again.

I can't go to sleep.
I'm too depressed.

I wonder where I'll be in life
in like ten years?

In ten years from now,
I will be a TV broadcaster,

on a television station.

I will be married
and have two children.

I hope to be firmly established
in my career,

possibly married and with
two children.

Several children would be nice
and just a happy home life.

I'll probably be a bagel vendor
or something.

I know what will cheer me up.
Mediation.

I'll just go meditate
till the sun rises.

( chanting )

Oh, man. I can't get women,
I can't get laughs.

I'm not even a good waiter.
This sucks, I'm so depressed.

I think I'm gonna escape
reality right now and go to sleep.

( Dicky snickering )

Schecky. Or should I say Porky?

( rim shot )

Aw, Schecky, you got an apple
in your mouth.

Where's William Tell
when you need him?

Look at ya. You look just like
your sister, a pig.

( whimpering )

You wearin' a straitjacket?

Oh, in your case it might be
a homo jacket.

You're a loser, Schecky.
A loser.

( laughing )

You're a loser.
You're a loser, Schecky.

( laughing )

( laughter continues )

Hey, Schecky, here's my
closing bit.

( moaning sounds )

Ahh!

Oh boy, that dream sucked.

I'm gonna go to sleep again
and this time it's gonna be better.

( slow tempo music begins )

" I stare through my window "

" I watch her and she passes by "

" I say to myself,
You're such a lucky guy "

" To have a girl like her "

" is truly a dream come true "

" Out of all the fellahs in the world,
she belongs to me "

" It was just my imagination "

" running away with me "

" It was just my imagination "

" running away with me "

" Soon we'll be married, our...
( song fades out )

Mommy?

What the hell are you doin',
Schecky?

Are you tryin' to kill me?

Who are these girls?
I knew you were suicidal.

I knew it.

You're gonna die from this,
Schecky.

Your weenie's gonna fall off,
just like your father's.

Do you hear me, Schecky?

It felt so great.
Her breasts were like baseballs.

They were hard and firm
and they stuck out like torpedoes.

Schecky? Schecky?

Schecky! Schecky!

Schecky! Schecky!

Oh, you should have seen her.
My God, it was unbelievable.

I mean, she was begging for me.
She loved me.

Talk about luck, I mean,
man oh man, oh man, oh man.

Did I ever tell you,
you look just like my mother?

- No.
- You really do.

- Whoa, what time is it?
- It's time for work.

Hey, I didn't know you slept
in your uniform.

- Oh, yeah.
- Anyway, she told me her name
was Debbi with an ''I.''

And she did a spread for
Hustler Magazine.

Debbi with an ''I''.

Did she do a seven-page spread
with a pig? I saw that.

Wow.

Well, all right, you see there's
this girl I met, right?

And anything the girl tells me, I do.

For example, I asked her
on the scale from one to ten,

what am I?
And she said, ''You're an eight.''

So I peed on her shoes.

''Ur-in-ate.''

I don't know.

Maybe you should avoid telling
actual jokes,

and just stick to improvising
and talking to the audience.

- I thought it was funny.
- Yeah?

A lot funnier that that jerk
they hired as the ship's comedian.

You actually thought
that joke was funny?

Let me put it this way.

He's funny.
The other guy's a hack.

Yeah. I am funny.

He really is a hack, isn't he?

- Yeah.
- ( bell rings )

I don't want any cheap shots.

I don't want any
hittin' below the waist.

I don't want any food or drink
on the mat.

It's a new one.
May the best man win. Let's go.

Dicky: All right,
let's go, brillo head.

Look at ya. You got more teeth
than a fuckin' saw.

Look at your mouth.
Doin', stunt work for Mr. Ed?

( bell rings )

( bell rings )

Schecky: Those are nice legs
you got there.

I saw them the other night,
I was in a Japanese restaurant.

I used them to pick up my sushi.

( grunting )
Oh, ref, come on.
That was below the belt.

I didn't see anything.

Aw, you're a winner, baby.
You're always thinkin'.

Is that black hat there to show
respect to your dead brain?

Oh, jeeze I like that, Sasquatch.

Got enough hair on your back,
want me to braid it for ya?

Speedo bandito. Are you smugglin'
in a half a roll of certs?

Oh, by the way, I do weddings
in case your parents

decide on gettin' married.

What's that around your neck,
your mother's leash?

( birds chirping )

Hey, Schecky!
Snap out of it!

You looked like you were
fantasizing

about killing Dicky Diamond
or somethin'.

Yeah, yeah. We'd better go
serve these drinks.

Oh, right.

Pageant girl:
Politics are really weird.

They're like, I never think
about 'em, unless somebody says,

''What do you think about
politics,'' you know?

But I think world leaders
are real important to the world.

World peace would be nice,
but, what would be nicer,

is that everyone would get whatever
they wished for in life.

When we can all work as one,

that's when world peace
will come around.

Oh, Panama. General Noriega
should be killed

for killing people who voted
against him.

I think he should see a
dermatologist, you know?

I can tell by just looking at
General Noriega,

that he has really icky
rancid breath, that's so bad,

that when he's talking to you,

you have to hold your own
breath to keep from gagging.

I have this really strong
sense of smell.

He probably doesn't use any
form of personal, you know,

hygienic protection, you know.

Like deodorant. I think he
probably has stinky armpits.

Probably, you know,
like if you don't eat a pizza,

you put in the fridge
for like a couple of days,

or maybe like ten days.

Then you get it out, and you
leave it out for a couple of hours,

and then you went back
to take a bite,

and that smell that you get
just before you put in your mouth.

I think that's probably
what he smells like.

I would want to spend any real
time with the man.

In fact I'd rather spend
a whole day with Ted Bundy.

I smell?
Bad breath, huh?

We'll see who gets
the last laugh here.

You leftover kangaroo vomit.

- See that woman?
- Where?

Idiot, on the TV there.

That woman there.
That woman on the TV there?

That woman on the TV.

I want her killed.
Her name is Miss Australia.

She said I smelled like pizza.

No?
Like a pizza?

- Pizza.
- What kind of pizza?

An old pizza.

( sniffs )
An old, uh...

...cheese pizza?

( sniffs )

With uh, anchovies?

And uh, what kind of crust?

I want her killed.
What does that matter?

- Uh, round pizza?
- It doesn't matter.

Kill Miss Australia.

You want us to kill the woman
on the video screen?

That woman on the video tape,
yes.

Um... you want us to kill

that girl there on the video
tape that you rented,

we gonna kill her?

That girl in there now,
in the tape that you rented,

killed?

- Si.
- Where is she?

- She's in the store
with the video tapes?
- ( laughing )

Listen to me, huh?

I say, ''Lick toilet,''
you lick toilet.

I say, ''Pick the nose,''

you pick the nose.

I say, ''Kill video tape girl,''

kill video tape girl.

- Huh?
- Oh, yes, sir.

We kill Miss Australia.

We gonna kill Crocodile Dundee.

- She's dog meat dead, sir.
- She's deader that that, sir.

She's deader than shrimps
on the barbee.

- Deader than, uh--
- Hey, Whoa! Whoa!

Are you two comedians?

Well, we're actually
working on a few--

Huh? Go! Go!

Kill Miss Australia.

Get out!

( singing to himself )
He goes into the room.

Everybody runs and hides.

He never be a groom.

He never catch a bride.

It's a sad, sad world.

When your head looks like a pizza.

But it's sadder, sadder still.

When no girl wants to meet ya.

Hey! Hey!
Hey, Schecky.

Fighting isn't gonna solve
anything.

Shut up, Bob.

( grumbling to himself )

- ( horn blows )
- Ow! Ahh!

Fuck you.

Fuckin' bullhorn
out of nowhere.

Fuckin' bullshit bullhorn.

I feel like I'm doing
the polka for Chrissakes.

More stairs than fuckin' Notre Dame.

Hi, Dicky.
I just had the greatest interview.

I spoke all about
my political beliefs,

and I said what you told
me to about General Noriega.

Oh, that's
fuckin' great, Ellen.

Listen, why don't you
do me a favor, okay?

Take off for awhile,
I need some space. Okay, honey?

Sure. No problem.
I'm gonna get a pastrami sandwich.

( flatulence sound )

Fuckin' pastrami sandwich.

She know Dicky Diamond hates
pastrami sandwiches.

Oh, shit! Ocean!

Ahh! Fuck!
( gurgling sound )

Shit! Fuck you.

Fuck! Fuck!
Ahh, fuck that.

I'm walkin' away from this.
I'm fuckin' walkin' away from this.

You got nothin'.

( flatulence sounds )
Oh, fuck!

Fuck that.
You son-of-a-bitch.

My best hat.

Great, more fuckin' stairs.

( breathing heavily )
Fuck!

Ah, the Porcelain Goddess.

Ah, here I come.

( vomiting )

( screams )
Ahh, Dicky!

Oh, my God! Dicky!

Help, man overboard!

My, God. Man overboard!

Help! Dicky!

If Dicky Diamond doesn't play,
he's fuckin' fired.

He's out.

Hey!

Hey!
( pounding )

Open the fuckin' door!

Oh, shit.

Aw, fuck!
Hey!

( pounding )

Aw, come on!
Somebody open up.

Where's the fuckin' maid
when you need one.

Open the-- aw, fuck!

Oh, shit!

Richard ''Dicky'' Scott Bryant
David Diamond...

...Stienwitz.
- ( sobbing )

He was such a funny man.

A man who made us laugh.

A man who
brightened our hearts.

And opened up our every day
with endless possibilities of laughter.

The guy talked about bangin'
his grandmother.

What is this?

Let us pray.

( sobbing )

Let us look in our books.
Psalm 29, Jackson 5,

Red Socks 4, Yankees 3
in the bottom of the eighth.

Is that a porpoise out there?

Ashes to ashes,
dust to dust.

Let us pray that Richard ''Dicky''
Scott Diamond Stienwitz...

...is in heaven,

entertaining the angels at that
great microphone in the sky.

What are we gonna do?

Who's gonna make us laugh the
rest of the cruise?

I mean, who's gonna brighten
our days and open our hearts now?

- ( continues to sob )
- Who?

Oh, man, this is my
big chance here.

If I volunteer,
I'm gonna be the ship's comedian.

But, if I don't,

I'm just gonna be Schecky the
schmuck waiter the rest of my life,

and I'll never touch a woman again,

and I gotta touch a woman.
I just want grab her and--

But, I can't do it.
I just can't do it.

I don't know.
I'm too crazy, I'm nervous.

I'm mean, I'm probably the one
who killed Dicky Diamond.

I'm so jealous of the guy.

I'm not gonna do it.
I won't do it.

There's no-- I can't do it.
There's no way I'm gonna--

- Holy--
- Schecky?

I am King Neptune,
God of the sea.

I couldn't help but overhearing
what you were thinking.

Not that I eavesdrop
or anything,

but I couldn't help hearing
you, uh,

well, that you wanted to be
the ship comedian.

But you have doubts, son,
that you shouldn't have.

Wait, am I hallucinating here?
Are you for real, or what?

As real as that big nose
at the end of your face.

Ah, jeeze.
An antisemitic fish.

What, you're definitely not
a gefilte fish I guess.

Listen, you gotta have a sense of humor
to be king of that cesspool, sonny.

Su casa, is mi casa, comprende?

Aw, don't tell me you're worldly.

I felt it my duty to go for it.

Take the job as ship comedian,
these people need you.

Hey, hey.
They need me?

They need me?
Yes they need you.

What, are you fishing for
complements here?

Everyone needs to laugh.

I've been the brunt
of a few too many jokes

at the office water cooler,
let me tell you.

Mis-managment they said.

I'll put a hex on Exxon.

I remember when I was a prince.

Whoa, whoa. I mean,
is this gonna be a big, long story?

We don't have time for that.

You know I got a responsibility
for this movie here,

and you know, they don't want
to hear this.

- You understand?
- I got a time thing?

- Yeah.
- I just thought I'd give
you a little confidence.

You just go ahead
Mr. Sailorpants, you just finish.

Oh, man.
No, really, thank you.

- I appreciate it.
- But, remember...

...the power of laughter!

I'll do it! I'll do it!
I'll be the ship comedian.

( banging and singing heard )

( banging and singing continues )

- Quit banging.
- I'm not banging, I'm drumming.

- It's good for me.
- Quit drumming.

Okay.

- Knock-knock.
- Who's there?

Um, the big stinky man.

The big stinky man, who?

The big stinky man is you.
( laughs )

Shut up, Achmed.
You're not funny.

I am funny. I'm very funny.

Achmed is funny.

Oh, man. What happens if I go up
there and I die a miserable death?

They're not gonna like me.

Someone's gonna throw
food at me.

I'll be hit in the head
with a meatloaf.

- I'll get thrown overboard.
- Schecky.

- The sharks are gonna rip
my legs off.

Schecky!

No one's gonna hate you
as long as you act natural.

Um, I think if we sang
a little song right now,

you'd feel a little better.

- All right.
- Okay.

" Comedy, such a lovely lady "

" Lady "

- " She'll pick you up "
- " Pick you up "

- " When you're feelin' blue "
- " Feelin' blue "

- " She'll run her fingers
through your hair "

" You'll feel that someone cares "
- " Someone cares "

- " About you "
- " About you "

( scatting )

- Now don't you feel better?
- I do, I do.

Okay, now, you don't have
to try to be funny,

just be yourself.
You don't have to tell jokes.

Hey, you're right.
I'll just talk to 'em.

I'll just ask them questions
about themselves and that's it.

Right. That's good.

- Fix your hair.
- Okay.

Wipe your eyebrows.

Wipe your nose.
Smell your breath.

Check your armpits.

Tie your shoes.
And sit up straight.

Holy shit! Look at me.
I look like a fuckin' zombie.

You fuckin' sicko.
Holy shit.

All right.

All right. That's it.

I'm fuckin' dying in here.

I'm gonna shrivel up like a
fuckin' piece of bacon.

Oh, boy. I'm very nervous right now.

This is a frightening thing to do,

take over for a dead comedian
that everybody loved so much.

- ( sobbing )
- All right, here goes.

I'm gonna do it right now.

Hey, everybody,
how ya doin' tonight?

( audience groans )

I'm glad to hear it,
that's good.

Ah, you, sir?

Hi. Hi.

- What's your name?
- Dave.

Dave? We've got Dave here.

Dave, what do you do
for a living?

I'm a construction worker.

Dave's a construction worker,
everybody.

So, Dave, what do you
construct?

I construct buildings.

What the fuck else
would I construct?

Oh! Oh! That's good.
All right.

So, Dave, do you think that
construction is an easy job,

or you think it's a hard job?

You know what?
Listen butthole,

why don't you quit tryin'
to be funny,

because all you're doin'
is pissin' me off.

Whoa.

Um, hey, that kinda sounded
like my ex-girlfriend.

- Girl: You suck!
- She's a little bit bigger than Dave.

- ( nervous laugh )
- Man: Get off, big nose.

All I'm saying is, I'm not
very good with relationships.

Girl: Boring!

Hi. How you doin' there?
What's your name?

I hate you.

( microphone begins to feedback )

Oh, this isn't going too well,
is it?

Um, why don't we
start over right now?

- Man: Get off!
- Just give me a chance.

( audience begins booing )

Okay, look, here's a good joke.

All right, there's
a proctologist, right?

( audience begins to chant )
We want Dicky! We want Dicky!

We want Dicky!

We want Dicky!

- We want Dicky!
- Hey! Hey!

What do you want?
The guy's dead.

You want to hear a corpse
or something?

A corpse would be funnier
than you are.

I wanna hear Croaker sing.

( audiences cheers )

( cheering )

No, no, no.

No, no, no.

Hey. All right.

- Let's rock!
- ( wild cheering )

( rock and roll drum beat )

( guitar riff begins )

( begins singing:
''I Wanna Slap Your Cat'' )

( music continues -
crowd screaming )

( crowd screams )

Give me that jacket.
Give it here.

( cheering )

I failed, man. I failed.

King Neptune was wrong.
Nobody needs me.

King Neptune?

Yeah, King Neptune,
he's God of the sea.

Oh, there he is,
right over there.

Schecky, uh, can I be honest
with you?

Yeah, Bob, you can be honest
with me.

Come on, let's take a walk.

Schecky...
I hate comedians.

Not all comedians, though.
Just 99 percent of them.

See to me, stand-up comedy
is such a sad thing.

I mean it's so pathetic.

It's absolutely the most
degrading thing

a human being can
put himself through.

Standing up on stage alone,

talking about how fat,
or how bald,

or how ugly you are.

I mean, spilling your guts
about your family history

and your alcoholic father,

blatantly begging the audience
to love you.

To accept you and give you
the love that you never had as a child.

It's pathetic, Schecky.
It's an empty--

Bob, what are you tying to say?

Let me put it this way.

Comedy is like this
life preserver.

Ah, comedy is round with ropes
hangin' off it.

See, Schecky,
that wasn't funny.

I know you probably said that to
make me laugh and to like you more,

but, you didn't have to.

- I like you enough already.
- Bob? Stop it.

Stop, I'm gonna have to ask you
to stop being psychoanalytic,

you're just too stupid to tell
me anything, all right?

I like comedy.
I like being funny.

That's it, all right?

Okay. Okay.

Then maybe you should try
telling some jokes this time,

instead of just being yourself.

- Maybe that would work.
- That is a great idea, Bob.

Jokes? You hit it
right on the head.

But first, let's see a montage
of some beautiful women.

( rock and roll music playing )

" Oh, yeah "

" I met a gentle woman "

" She took my heart away "

" She said I had it comin' to me "

" But I wanted it that way "

" I think any love is good lovin' "

" So I took what I could get,
yeah I took what I could get "

" She looked at me with
them big brown eyes as said "

" You ain't seen nothin' yet "

" Baby, you ain't seen nothin' yet "

" Here's somethin' you'll never forget "

" Baby, you ain't seen nothin' yet. "

- Smells good.
- I know.

Smells good a lot.

Your wife, she make that
for you?

Yes.

- Nice wife.
- Uh-huh.

I don't have wife.

Your salami, it's very big.

Big enough for two peoples.

Big enough for three peoples.

There's enough there for whole
family of peoples...

...for weeks.

Cut me little slice.

- No!
- Cut me a little.

- No!
- Give me a little cut?

- No!
- Why Not? Give me a little.

- No!
- Give me a little cut.

Give me a slice.

- Is this the way generals wear 'em?
- Yes.

This one goes on over
and this one goes under.

One goes up.
( laughing )

You know what my mother
says about you?

She said you're
an untrained animal.

( laughing )

But, you should hear what
my father said.

- What?
- I can't-- No, no, no.

Go to this ship.

What is this?
Robinson Crusoe?

What does your father say?

Oh, no. My father doesn't--

I promised him.
Pinkie swear I couldn't tell.

- Does he like me or no?
- He says he has to like you.

( laughing )

I don't think he voted for you,
though.

Well, we forgive that.

I tell my father that.

That you'll let him out of jail.

Yes, I will, in a couple of years.

A couple of years?

Well, he's not that old.

Oh, you're terrible.
You are really bad.

He's a good man.
In a couple of years he'll--

- A couple of years?
- Well, yes.

- He'll find psychology.
- For what?

He'll find psychology
in the can.

- ( laughing )
- Is that where you find it?

Sure, in the can.

You wear these fuckin' things?

These fuckin' patent leather,
fuckin'--

Ridiculous fuckin' shoes
you been wearin'.

Not even good for bangin'
on the fuckin' door.

Hello!

I don't know, maybe it is
and maybe it's not.

I don't think it's grounds
for legal action, Croaker.

- That's all I'm sayin'.
- I don't care what it costs, man.

I want that guy sued.

All right, I'm singin' my song,

I made it very clear
to that guy,

I wanted to be shot from
a higher angle.

He shoots me from straight on,

It makes my nose look
absolutely huge.

- My fans are not gonna accept--
- ( banging heard )

Hey! Hey! Let me out.
It's Dicky Diamond,

I'm in the fuckin' bathroom.

Whoa!

Wait a minute, is that--

Oh, that's that guy.
That's the dead guy.

The comedian.

Whoa, man. This is weird.
Because if he's dead,

how can he be screaming?

I don't know, Croaker.
Maybe it's his ghost.

Wait a minute, man.
You're scaring me.

Don't scare me like that, man.

I can't take this ghost stuff.
How do I get off this boat?

( banging continues )

Let me out, you fucks.

This ship is haunted, man.
Get me off this ship.

This ship is haunted.

Croaker, listen to me!
Listen to me!

Listen to me!
Listen to me, Croaker.

Let me out.

Fuckin' fag socks.

Look at this shit.

Maybe I can go out
through there.

The fuckin' toilet.
I'll flush myself out.

Come on.
Somebody, please.

- Yeah!
- You cheated.

- That's not cheating.
- That's cheating.

Are you gonna wear that
for your comedy act?

- I was thinkin' of it, yeah.
- No, no.

I think you should wear
your pink shirt.

If I'm gonna change shirts I'll
probably wear my green shirt.

No, no, no. The pink shirt
shows off your tan.

- It looks really nice.
- It's a nice shirt.

You're right, but, I like green.

- The pink is much better.
- No.

- You see green- luck.
- No, no. Pink, pink.

- I like green.
- Pink.

- Green is good.
- Pink.

- Green.
- Pink.

- Green!
- Pink!

Green!

- Why don't you wear 'em both?
- Yeah, I could do that.

Where are we?

We're in the middle
of the ocean.

I know we're in the middle
of the ocean, you idiot!

Where in the middle
of the ocean?

Who do I look like to you?

A compass?

You are navigator, stupid!

You are navigator, stupid.

Who is holding the map?

Who is holding the map?

Oh.

- I am.
- So, you are our navigator.

Give it to me.
Give it to me.

- I am navigator.
- Give it to me.

- I am navigator.
- Give it to me.

- Oh, my. Look at that.
- Huh?

I want thank you for giving me
another chance up here.

You're really nice to me.
I appreciate it.

I swear this time you're not
gonna be disappointed.

Because I been workin'
on an act.

- Man: Who cares.
- Thank you, Thank you.

I'll tell you what happened
to me inside.

There's was an old lady
in there, right?

And these four guys were really
messin' with her,

and givin' her trouble.

These hoodlums, bad lookin'
characters.

And, um, one of them stole
her purse.

I was watching this
the whole time-

grabbed her by the ring,

he was tryin' to yank her
wedding ring off.

But she was fighting,
she was screaming,

''Help, me. Help me!''

Finally I couldn't
take it anymore.

I ran over to the guy and said,
''Hey, buddy,

why don't you put some butter
on her finger,

and the ring will slide
right off?''

( audience boos _ heckles )

Achmed? Do you like me?

- No.
- Not at all?

Not at all.

I like you.

- So?
- So, you should like me, too.

You know?

It's the boat!

- It's the boat!
- The boat!

- The boat!
- Miss Australia, you are dead.

Well, don't think I'm a bad guy,
because I'm not a bad guy.

I'm pretty cool.
I mean I have a conscience.

That's what I'm trying to say.

When I was a kid I used to steal
Alka Seltzer all the time,

and I'd feed the sea gulls
and they'd blow up.

( audience boos )

I don't get it.
I think this is funny.

Is it me? Do I have no idea
what makes people laugh?

Do I know nothing
about the art of comedy?

I wonder what Milton Berle
would do if he was in this spot.

Milton Berle's voice:
Hey, kid, you got a light?

That sounded like Milton Berle.

Are you Milton Berle?

If not, I had a lot
of fun with his wife.

Were you just talkin'
to yourself?

Did I hear you say you were
a stand-up comic?

Yes, sir.

You're pretty good lookin'
for one.

I love that shirt you're
wearing.

( laughter )

You never throw anything away,
do you?

- ( laughter )
- I'm kiddin'.

- So, have a seat.
- Right here at your table?

- No, in the kitchen.
- ( laughter )

Thank you, Mr. Berle.

- What's your name?
- Schecky Moskowitz.

Schecky Moskowitz.

With a name like that you
should get a laugh right away.

So, kid, it looks like
you have a problem.

You're thinkin' about something.
Tell me...

what can I do for you?

Well, Milton, I'm sorry,
Mr. Berle,

I need your advice
on getting laughs.

I was on this ship
and I did my act,

and nobody laughed.

I couldn't understand why.

Tell me one of the jokes
that you did on the ship.

All right. Okay.

There are these two hoodlums,
right?

And they see this old lady

and this lady's got this
big ring on, right?

So they run over
and they start yanking on it

and pullin' on her ring.

And this lady's lookin' at me goin',
''Help me! Help me!''

You know, I had to do something,
so I went over to the hoodlums-

Hold it.

Hoodlums?
Is this the butter joke?

- ( laughing )
- Yeah, that's the joke.

No wonder they didn't laugh.

Were there any hoodlums
or gangsters in the audience,

when you told that joke?

Uh, no. I told it to a bunch
of beauty queens.

Beauty queens?

Oh!

And then I told them the one
about blowin' up the sea gulls.

- Blowing up sea gulls?
- ( laughter )

Kid, you're using the wrong
technique.

Young man, come over here.

- Have you got a pencil?
- Yes, sir.

- Thank you. You got a pad?
- Sure.

That's it. Thank you.

- Now you're working.
- ( laughter )

Schecky...

All right. Don't make
a federal case out of it.

( laughter )

What I'd like you to do now is

write these gags down, Schecky.

I think all those beautiful
queens will identify with them.

Last week I dated a girl
that had everything a man would want.

Mustache, hair under the arms,

- bushy eyebrows...
- ( laughter )

If you're talkin' about the
same girl, say, ''What a nose!''

- She had to lift it to eat.
- ( laughter )

And follow that up with,

''One good lipstick brought
out her lips,

and one good sneeze
brought out her teeth.

She had very affectionate eyes,

they always kept lookin'
at each other.

And when she'd open one eye,

all she could see
was the other one.

And her boobs were very small,

so small she had to carry
her nipples in her pocket.''

Now, uh, you try those jokes.

They'll all work.
They always did.

Well, so long, kid.

- Lots of good luck.
- Thank you, Mr. Berle.

Oh, uh...

one more thing.

Schecky, always remember
that you're a comic,

and you possess the strongest
weapon for bring people together

and making them feel happy.

There's nothing more important
in the world,

than the power of laughter.

Remember that.

- Bye, now.
- ( applause )

Wow, the power of laughter.

King Neptune was talkin' about
the power of laughter.

Maybe this phrase is gonna
tie the whole story together

in some clearer way
or somethin'.

Umm...

Uh, where am I goin?
I have no idea where I am.

I'm walkin' around
like I know where I'm goin'.

I don't know what--
Let's see,

how do I get back to the ship?

Maybe I should use some
magical comedy phrase.

I'll try that.

Why'd the chicken
cross the road?

Aw... nothin'.

Um, why do firemen wear
red suspenders?

No good. Nothin'.

Uh, take my wife, please.

That's the one, right there.

Take my wife, please.

Take my wife, please...

Take my wife, please.
Take my wife, please.

( cheering )

Hey! Hey, thank you very much.

Thanks a lot.
Thank you.

All right.

Oh, thank you, very much.
Thank you.

I appreciate it.

Well anyway, I see this guy
on the street the other day,

he tells me he's got
Agent Orange,

I said ''At least you
have an agent.''

( laughing )

All right. Okay.

I was talkin' to my grandma
the other day,

what a lady, you'd love her.

She's deaf in both ears, right?
So we bought her two hearing aids.

She keeps puttin' 'em both
in the same ear.

She's deaf over here, she's got
bat-like hearing over here.

Did somebody say nursing home?

- That's her.
- ( laughing )

- ( machine gun firing )
- ( screaming )

What's happening?
What's goin' on?

Hey, is there a sale on bikinis
or something?

- What's wrong with you?
- I'm doin' great.

These people love me.

I'm all over.

Come on. We gotta get
out of here.

Why?

My, God! My, God!
Terrorists! Terrorists!

- That's why.
- All right.

Holy shit!

We fuckin' hit an iceberg!

We hit an iceberg!

Holy shit, another Titanic!

Hurry up, Schecky.
Come on.

- Get in here.
- I'm coming.

Where's Miss Australia?

We want her now!
She's ours!

We are not foolin' around here!

We got a big, fat problem here!

We need to have a little talk.

This is no joke.

Fuck.

( microphone squealing )
Testing. One, two. three.

Hello, this is going out
to all the people on the boat.

All the people.

All we want us Miss Australia.

- Miss Australia?
- Miss Australia?

Miss Australia? Isn't that
the late Dicky Diamond's girlfriend?

How would I know?
I haven't done any scenes

with Dicky Diamond
and his girlfriend.

I'm quite sure it is.

That's great.
They want to kill her.

She's a real bitch.

You guys shouldn't talk mean
about people behind their backs.

I didn't see you there.
I'll say it to your face, you're a pig.

You were mean to me the other
night in the bar.

I was a different woman back
then when Dicky was alive.

Now that he's dead,
I'm my own woman.

I've got my own mind,
it works for me and nobody else.

Good for you.

- Miss Australia.
- Miss Australia, you little kangaroo.

Big mouth, bad breath.

- You better come out.
- Oh, my God.

It's time to meet you mayor.

My God, they want
me to meet the mayor?

No. I think he's speaking
in broken English.

He wants you to meet your maker.
He wants to kill you.

- Do you have an education?
- ( begins to sob )

Miss Australia, when I find you,

I'm gonna take your hands and
cut off all your little fingernails,

and I'm gonna swallow them.

And they're gonna go through
my digestive tract.

But the only thing is,
they're not going to digest.

Oh, my God!
He can't!

All I said was that General Noriega
had bad breath.

It took me months to grow these.

I broke one and just
as it was growing back,

I'd break another one.
They're finally all even.

He can't do it!
He can't!

I gotta get out of here!

Bob: Ellen!
Ellen, wait!

( chuckling )
Don't women look funny
when they run in heels?

Let's go.

- There she goes!
- Go! Go!

( gun fire )

Come on. Come on.

Hey, what's with the shirt?

- This one?
- Yeah, that shirt.

I like the pink one,
Bob likes the green one.

- Which one do you like?
- They both stink.

- ( gun shot )
- Ow!

Oh, God!

What's wrong?

Just because I'm pretty,
everybody thinks I'm stupid.

- Where did that come from?
- I hate being beautiful.

Sometime I wish I was
an ugly old hag,

with burn marks or warts
all over my face,

so people would run in terror
when they looked at me.

Why?

Because being pretty
isn't pretty.

Look, look. We don't have
time for this.

See, I have this morbid desire
to be deformed.

God, that's beautiful.

I never realized how
hard it was

for a young girl to be
so gorgeous.

It's a living hell.

( gunfire )

Climb the ladder.

Why do you want them
to climb the ladder?

( sighs )

Hey! Hey! Hey!

Oh, God! They're gonna kill me

before I get a chance
to be an actress.

All my hopes.
All my dreams.

I had a line on
General Hospital last week.

You did?
What was it?

Can I get you something
from the bar?

Oh, my God!
I say that all the time.

Really? I'd wish you'd been
there to coach me.

Me, too.

Oh, jeeze! I can't believe this.

You think I should tell her
about Bob's little infection?

Should I? Forget it.

Hello, Miss Australia?

You'd better come out here,

or we're going to start killing
hostages in three seconds.

- Three seconds!
- Starting with this girl here.

Maybe we should try
to save her.

No. She always wins whenever
we compete.

This could be my only chance
for Miss International.

Now that is a competitive
bitch right there.

I'm so selfish.
I'm going to give myself up.

You guys stay here.

I was kidding. Look, I think
the General's a great guy.

- ( cocks rifles )
- I only said it to be smart.

Look, he probably smells
terrific.

Not to mention, you guys
aren't so bad-- ( screams )

Shut up! Shut up!

Hey, Bob. What are we
gonna do about this?

Maybe we should try
to save her?

Yeah. Yeah. Bob?

- What?
- I figured you just had
your tongue down her throat,

maybe you should go
and save her.

( screaming and hollering )

Come on, Schecky.
Don't put me on the spot.

I have a really
strong fear of death.

I have a fear of death,

but I also have a stronger
sense of guilt, man,

and jeeze, you were just makin'
out with her.

And I figured you'd kinda
want to save her.

Fine! Fine!
I'll go!

I'll go and get shot saving
some girl I was just kissing.

You stay here, coward.

Get off of her.

I was lying to Bob right there.

I do have a stronger fear of death
compared to my sense of guilt.

But death makes me nauseous
I don't want death.

You get buried underground.
You get dirt all over you.

You get worms in you.
That's not good.

So if I get out there,
there's a chance I'll get shot.

And that's not good for my career.

You know that and I know that.

I gotta get going.
Come to think of it,

where do you think we go
when we die?

I'm thinkin' of that right now.

I feel everyone goes
to purgatory first.

And then after everyone prays
for you, you go to heaven.

Heaven is a place up above-

Pearly gates.

Heaven is bright lights,
real cool, real serene.

Lots of angles and things.

Ah! I'll tell you what I think.

I think that when we die we get
in a kinda, dark, lonely spiral--

right down to nothing.
That's where we're goin'.

And that's not cool with me.
So, I'm not gonna get out there,

because I could get shot
and that would happen to me.

Milton Berle:
Schecky, remember the power.

Kill 'em with laughs before
they kill you.

That was that Berle guy again.

I guess I'd better shut up.
What? What?

Milton Berle:
Use the power of laughter.

Laughter? Power of laughter?
He always said that.

Maybe that has a meaning
or something.

Power of laughter?

Oh! I know what he means.
Yeah!

Who are you?

Moskowitz. Schecky Moskowitz.
What's your name?

- Achmed.
- Achmed, with a lot of spit.

What do you do for a livin',
huh?

I fight for the people.
The people's people.

- I like people.
- Freedom fighter. That's me.

I work for the rebels sometimes.

Sometimes I deliver
for Domino's.

Half hour or less.

Okay, Miss Australia,
any last requests?

Yes, I'd like to sing
one last song.

I won the Miss Australia
contest with this last year.

And it would really mean
a lot to me.

Okay.

Sing your heart out.

" Australia sons let
us rejoice "

" For we are young and free..."

This is how my mother
carried me when I was a baby.

Can you let go of me please,
because I'm a little sick.

You know when I'm sick my mother
always tells me to drink liquids.

I think she's right 'cause
every time I drink a solid

I choke.
( laughs )

( continues singing the
Australian National Anthem )

Speaking of drinks.
This is what I do to get free drinks.

I insult the girl and say,
''Baby, you're kind of ugly.''

She takes the drink and throws
it in my face,

I open up my mouth, right?
After six or seven girls,

I've got a good buzz going.

( singing off-key - voice cracking )

Okay, okay.

That was beautiful.

- That was beautiful.
- ( continues singing )

Okay, that's enough.

( laughing )
Why don't you give it a whirl?

- Me?
- Go ahead.

So I said to the man...

take my wife, please?
( laughing )

Speaking of my wife,
she's so fat,

she's so fat,

that when she sits around
the house,

she sits all the way
around the house.

( laughing )

Get the girl off.

Darling.

I'd like to be a comedian.

I make the people laugh.
I think they love me.

- Are you okay?
- Yeah.

- Are you okay?
- Well, I have a little bump on my head,

but I don't
think it shows a bruise.

Why did you save me?

Because I love you.

Oh, jeeze, do you?

I love you, too.

Will you marry me?

Oh, yeah.

I think I'm a lover
not a fighter.

Kiss me.

What about killing
Miss Australia?

No, forget it. Schecky said
we could move in with him,

and we could live in America
with him,

and he can teach us
the fine art of comedy.

- Really?
- Really.

Will he write our
material for us?

I will write all your material.

Of course. If you guys want,
I'll get you in a movie.

See that, there's a movie
camera right there.

Why don't you guys do some
comedy right now?

- For that camera.
- The movies?

Okay...

Okay. Um...

So, um...

what's invisible and smells
um...

like, like carrots.

Yeah, okay.
I know that one.

I don't know that one.

You don't know it?

It's little, tiny
bunny fart.

( both laughing )

Daddy, let me out.

I won't fool around anymore.

I promise.

Who's running over
to first base?

With the second base guy?

Must be third base.

You don't have any love.
You don't deserve to wear this.

Somebody, please let me out.

I swear to God I'll never
flip anybody off again.

I'll never curse.
Somebody, please.

If you're out there...

...please.

( door unlocks )

You stupid motherfucker.

You stupid fucks.
I'm an atheist.

( laughing )

( terrorist heard in background
doing comedy routine )

Hey! Hey!

...how many?

- Three.
- Three?

Three one-eyed lizards?
Why is it three?

- Because one of them is blind.
- ( laughing )

Fuckin' ugly motherfuckers.
Get the fuck off my stage.

- I want my fuckin' job back!
- ( audience begins booing )

Woman: Hey, look,
that's the dead guy.

Man: Yeah.
That's the dead comedian.

Dead? You, stupid,
motherfucker.

I'm not dead. I'm right here.
I was locked in the bathroom,

- you stupid--
- ( cheering )

You fuckin' highjackin'--

( hollering )

Thank you very much.
( laughing )

( gunshot - glass shattering
electrical buzzing )

Well, all right.

Everything worked out
just fine now didn't it?

Let's see, that rock star
and his sleezy manager,

they have girls hangin'
all over 'em now.

And Bob, he has
a gorgeous wife-to-be.

How he got her I'll never know,

but, stranger things
have happened.

And even those terrorists.
They got what they wanted, an audience.

I guess I got what I wanted
too, you know?

Now I'm a big, funny comedian.

I'm even a hero, but,
something's missing.

Hey, Schecky.

I've got a surprise for you.

Neptune, how you been?
I haven't seen you in awhile.

Swell!

I've got someone I want
you to meet.

- Slimly!
- Slimly?

Hello.

This is my daughter, Slimly.

Hello, Slimly.

My little guppy's been watching
you for a week now.

And she's just been begging me
to introduce you to her.

You've been watching me
in your conch shell?

Yes. I really, really wanted
to meet you.

Wow! She is so sweet.

Hey, King Neptune,
I was just wondering

if I could take her to
the bow of the ship

and maybe give her a kiss
to close the movie,

is that all right?

Go ahead, go ahead.

But have her back at the reef
by eleven.

King Neptune:
And no tongues.