Going Downhill by Neville Shah (2019) - full transcript

If both your parents are alive,

and if all your grandparents are alive,

you're not going to enjoy the show.

I'm a single child,
no brothers no sisters,

grew up as a single child,
with a single mother.

With a single mother

Single moms are amazing.

My mom was particularly fantastic.

I really really really
really miss my mom.

She was amazing.

She never made me miss my dad.



She used to beat
the shit out of me.

That's the thing guys, that's the thing.

Like when a dad hits you,
dad has to hit you once, and you get it.

Like... Don't do it again

But with mom's what happens is, mom's
believe that because they're women,

they don't hurt hard enough.

So they overcompensate
when they beat you.

So they beat the shit of you...

I made you, I'll fucking end you.

And then they give you pudding.

And you're like,
what is this Stockholm syndrome,

which is what motherly love is,
it's Stockholm syndrome

Too much love and then too much hitting.

Children are assholes as it is.



Single children are motherfuckers.

And if you have a single child, with
a single mother

then we are the worst.

We are just the worst.

Because we know that
we are your weakness.

And we will exploit it.

Because kids have no emotion.

All that fucking is all fake, fuckers.

It's all fucking fake.

We will exploit it.
Like I used to exploit it all the time.

I was like, one day I went, I was like,

"Mummy mummy, give me 200 rupees." Okay.

Mom's like, "I gave you money yesterday,

I'm not going to give you money again,
you spent it all."

"I'll go and ask dad for it."

So easy.

So easy.

But moms are also moms.

They get smarter with time.

Motherly love is like
artificial intelligence.

It gets better with experience,
really it does.

Cause a couple of years later I
was like, "Mom, mom I want 500 rupees."

Inflation!

So I was like,
"Mom, mom I want 500 rupees."

She's like, "I gave you money yesterday.

You spent it all, I'm not
going to give you any more money."

"Mom, I'll go and ask dad."

"Fine, if you find him,
ask him to give me also money."

How ya? Fucking...

Mom was amazing man. Single mother,
tough, tough. She was a lawyer.

She was also Parsi.

Okay, I know it's funny, but...

She was Parsi.

And most parents in this country actually
want you to follow their religion.

It's not hate or anything.
It's never been hate.

They want you to follow their religion.

They're like, "Look, we tried,
it didn't work for us, you try and see."

"Maybe it will work...We made a wish,
and we got you."

"Maybe it will be better with you."

So they make you want to do religion.

And religion is like...religion
is like an institution, right?

It makes you feel superior,

by making other people inferior, right?

Religion is basically Bombay Gymkhana.

It is...

But the Parsi religion
is worse than Bombay Gymkhana.

See Bombay Gymkhana allows guests.

Parsis are like,
"You're dark get lost." Just fuck off.

It's amazing...

I used to try to go to the fire temple,

then you'd see my color, and
the security guard who was not Parsi,

would be like, "Where are you going?"

And just to fuck with him,
I'd be like, "I'm going inside."

Then I would put on
my cap and I would walk in.

And he'll be like

And I'd be like,
"Get lost, Motherfucker"

He'd be like, confused...

"He's got the nose. Hmmm, possible."

It's a stereotype about Parsis.

That if a Parsi man with
a hard on walked into a glassdoor,

he would break his nose.

Stereotype...

That's why, conscious of it.

My mom wanted me to be Parsi man

but she had married outside the community,

so she was thrown out of the community,
obviously.

And muggles aren't
allowed into Hogwarts.

But mom had some money,
so private tuition.

What you need to understand
about the Parsi religion is,

here are couple of rules
about the Parsi Comic Universe,

also known as the PCU.

Parsis worship the elements,

worship the elements,
but it's represented by fire.

Fire is Ironman.
Carries the franchise, okay.

The other thing you need to know about
Parsis is, Parsis also worship cows,

but we also enjoy them.

We're like, "Our god is very tasty."

We have no problem.
We are like, cow is like

We are like.
They've no problem.

There's a downside to enjoying
cows and worshiping them.

Is that when we get baptized, which
in our version is called 'Navjote',

we have to drink something called,'Taro'

which is cow's piss.

If you don't believe me,
you can ask any Parsi you know,

it'll be difficult to find,
but just you'll...

You're, you're Parsi? Don't
raise your hand, it's not a classroom.

It's fine. She's Parsi...
We have to drink Taro, right?

Yeah, we have to drink Taro.

But it's not like a Taro party.

It's not like everybody
has glasses of like cow piss

and you're like.
It's not like that.

Okay, it's not that, that's not it.

It's basically you've to touch
your lips to cow piss, alright, Taro.

Now I've a cousin who is a motherfucker.

Like not really the definition of
the word, just the concept of the word.

You get what I'm saying, right.

So, this cousin he
comes to me and he's like,

"Neville,
this, this Taro that they will give you,

it's like the best fresh
lime juice you've ever tasted."

I am like, "really?"

He's like, "Ya,

but they are damn stingy with it ya.

They will only want
you to touch your lips.

So when you get a chance, take a gulp."

I am like, "thank you my brother.

I will always trust family."

So in my baptism, in my Navjote,

the priest came close
to me with this glass.

And as he came close to me, I was like,
Neville, this is your chance, go for it.

So I was like,

Surprise guys,
it does not taste like fresh lime juice,

tastes like cow's piss.

It does.

Like if you had to imagine
what cow's piss would taste like.

That's how it tastes, alright.

Not anything spectacular.

And I spat out piss.

On my god.

And extinguished him.

See I spat piss on my god,

it's the strangest sentence
in the English language.

Because there are so many questions.

They are like, "whose piss was it,
why was it in your mouth,

if it was in your mouth voluntarily,
why did you spit it out?

Most importantly, what sort
of sordid sexual act were you doing,

where there was a god involved?"

What sort of weird
kryptonite is this, no?

For a god,

scared of water.

All other gods are so cool,

my god sits at home
during the festival of Holi.

Scared of water.

There's a,
there's a sweet dish called, Malido,

which is the best sweet
dish you'll ever have.

It's only available at Parsi funerals.

Really, really. It's called Malido.

It's fucking great.
It's orange in color. It tastes great.

And it's only available at funerals.
They don't give it anywhere else.

If there's a Parsi person you know
that's dying, just hang out with them.

Just do it now,
become friends, go fucking eat it.

It's only available... I don't know
what they put in it, the person's blood.

I don't know why, but it's,
it's oh my god, it's outstanding.

But here's the sad part about it,
there are only 69,000 Malido's left.

So bad...

You're explaining the joke to her, no?

Also he needs to wipe his sweat.

Too weird man.

What do you do?

I'm a teacher.

You're a teacher? So sweet.
What do you do, what do you teach?

Online education, MBA subjects.

Online education, fuck. Great job.

What subjects do you teach online?

Finance and accounts.

Finance and accounts you teach online?

Are you the person who
sends emails into my inbox?

Saying, "I have found 160
million dollars in your name."

It's not nice,
you didn't reply, when I replied.

Once a man hits puberty,

he has to masturbate,

once every 15 days.

If you don't,
your brain will conjure up an image,

and you will get a wet
dream and you will masturbate.

And you will get papad pants.

Okay.
Do you know what papad pants are?

No? Allow me to explain papad pants.

Are you over 18?

You're 23, then you're fine.

I can explain this to you legally
without getting into any trouble.

Papad pants,

basically when you cum in your shorts,

they become like starch,
when they dry up. That's Papad pants.

You thought I was gonna
make it gross no? No.

But you know what's the worst feeling?

It's like when the papad pants,
like when it dries up on your dick,

right, then when you
have to pull it out right,

it's really bad, it's like

And when it comes out of the eye,
it's worse, it's like.

It's like ripping off a band-aid
with the cut being the eye of your dick.

It's very bad. It's very...

Most men have already gone,

"I remember."

I'll tell you a solution to this.

Solution to this is really simple.
Just pee. It loosens the starch.

So ya, papad pants.

A man who hits puberty,
once you hit puberty,

you have to masturbate
once every 15 days.

My mom was in the hospital for 45.

Which means 3 times,
if you do the maths. Right?

Now see in your head,
you're not laughing at this because,

you're in your head thinking,

"Chee, how can you enjoy
when your mom is inside a hospital?"

I didn't enjoy. You've to understand
this was a functional cum.

Okay, it was therapeutic.

It was like a cry for my penis.

Okay, like if you have a break up, you
watch a rom com and you eat ice cream.

This was that.

It was like,

That's what it was. It's fine

Why did I give you such a graphic image?

Because it's a segue to my next joke.

Which is...

That with which relative
in the hospital,

is it okay for you to masturbate.

You'll are all thinking, which relative.

If a neighbour's in the hospital,
can you masturbate? Of course you can.

It's okay, just go ahead, do it.

It's okay,
what difference does it make? Shake it.

If an uncle's in the hospital,
do you do it?

Of course, uncle's only
taught us how to masturbate.

When I do this joke...
when I did this joke at the last show,

there was a pocket of silence there.

They were all like, "How does he know?"

Every family has a 'molesty' uncle.

Every family has
this touchy feely uncle.

You know the one who will put his hand
like that and move his fingers and go...

That guy.

Even I had one.

He died.

And when he died I came on his face.

That was intentionally therapeutic.

I was like,
"You wanted this, right. Take it"

Enjoy!

He got papad face.

I have never enjoyed a
joke more than that in my life.

And believe me it's
the first time I did it.

I'm that age now man

Not that fucking 'molesty' uncle age,

that's not what I meant,
that's not what I meant...

Like I'm old, I'm 38. I'm,
I'm fucking old, I'm that, I'm that...

The problem with my age is no,

that, that society doesn't
have a moniker for my age group.

Like like brother is too young,
uncle's too old.

Like people look at me and like,

"Hey, won't call him uncle,
he has white hair,

but he wears t-shirts.
Unsure of what we can do."

Like you know it's, it's weird,
like what, what, what is happening.

"He says Yo, but he can't even
stand." Like it's weird, like... like...

Society doesn't have,
they don't have a moniker,

because brother's too
young and uncle's too...

There's no 'buncle.' That
buncle fits perfectly, right.

"Buncle is walking. Today buncle
seems angry, won't return our ball."

"Today buncle and bunty
are going to have fun."

Bunty?

I'm 38 man, fucking, I'm old ya.
I'm damn old.

I mean I feel old, you know.
And I'm damn unfit also. Damn...

I know it shows, calm down.
I'm damn unfit.

I'm so unfit I don't
even walk into trouble.

If trouble is there,
I'm like, "No, you come here."

I'm not coming to you.

I'm really really...

I'm so lazy now, like when I fly,
I just ask for a wheelchair.

There's no paperwork required.
Have you noticed? Nothing.

Just walk up to the counter,
with a limp.

Don't change your leg
in the middle, just...

Go there and be like,
"I need a wheel chair."

They'll give it to you.

And the guy who's pushing
your chair is older than you are.

And you're like,
"Uncle, could you go faster please?

I want to give my friends the finger."

I fucking hate youths.

They're just so happy all the time.

Why? What is so great in your life?

One rickshaw driver agreed to take you,
so what have you achieved in life?

I mean, this happy?

Where is so much optimism
coming from, man?

Where is this fucking
serotonin coming from?

Serotonin's made everyone silent.

You'll haven't read a book.

Serotonin for those of you who
have never picked up a book, is the...

It's the happy hormone.
It works in the brain.

I know this now,
because I go to therapy.

I'm still not happy, but...

I know about it.

I don't understand why
are you people so happy in life.

Why there's so much optimism?

I've a nephew who's 17.

Okay

He's so fuckin' happy with everything.

He came to me the other day. He's like,

"Neville uncle, Neville uncle,

right now I'm a grape and
will grow up to become a wine"

I'm like, "No dickwart.
You will grow up to become a raisin."

So much confidence?

Wine?

I don't get these youth man.

Their partying is unreal.

How much power will you
endow the 1st of January with?

Like New Year's Eve, they go mad

If you are above 30...just..

Have you ever had a good New Year's eve?

You can't. It's not possible.

It's not possible.

Because you put so much
pressure on that party,

that party is also,
"Bro, I'm just a party"

"I can only deliver this much."

How much pressure?

And these youths,
nowadays have learnt new words.

So they are like,
"My this year was full of toxicity."

"I was all toxic inside."

"I'm going to throw away
this toxicity next year."

"Vicky also dumped me."

"He was an asshole."

"I don't want any of this toxicity.

And one sunset and
sunrise will change that."

"I will be a better person tomorrow."

You can't possibly have it.
How much power you will...

You fuckin' wake up on the
1st of January with a headache

and Vicky sleeping next to you.

And you are like, "Hey Vicky

"Do we do it again?"

I don't understand these youths.

You know what I do on New Year's Eve?

I call the cops.

So gratifying.

I'm like, "Listen, there's a
party happening in front. Go fuck them."

He goes then.

I'm like, "Sir, I saw them
giving 1000, give me 500."

I make money.

I don't like youths.

I don't like...these youths no...

There's one thing that I
really like about the youths though.

One thing..It's a great skill set,
don't ever loose it.

Whatever they do, they do with passion.

They fuckin' put their
heart and soul into it.

They're like "I'll do this

for only fifteen seconds."

"I will then move
on to the next hashtag."

And mad energy these
mothterfuckers have.

How old are you sir?

What is this first row?

Who made these people sit there?

This is exactly the opposite of my TG.

They're like,
"Hey, we came to watch YTFF."

"But he's showing us life."

What you want to
become when you grow up?

Director

You wanna be a director?

It's not gonna happen.

Sorry to tell you.

You'll become an
Assistant Director at best.

Because life.

I'm just fuckin' disappointed.

I think I was born disappointed.
That's the problem with me.

Right like,
if any point in my life you came to me

and you were like,
"Neville, how are you?"

"Disappointed."

There's no, there's no other thing.

And for me I think the cynicism
bandwagon started really early.

Like it started when I was 16 years old.

I think that's the
first time it happened.

Right. Like my first
major disappointment.

It happened much before as well.

Will know later in the show.

But that one was first
I remember clearly.

I wanted to be an Air
Force pilot when I was 16.

Thank you.

Thank you for your confidence.

You'll are looking at me,
"How will he fit in the plane?"

Earlier it was possible. Okay.

I wanted to be an Air Force
pilot when I was 16 man.

I wanted to be an Air Force... and
I did everything that needed to be done

to be an Air Force pilot.

Everything

Like.. I did like running, physics

I fuckin' ran around

I joined the NCC

I wore those fuckin' shorts
that are worn by the RSS.

Fuckin' wore a pom-pom

Ran, shot from a 303,
injured my shoulder.

I did all of this and then
they finally put us in one big line

and they said, "Breathe in"

And I went

"Breathe out"

Fail

I failed at breathing.

I failed at the most
involuntary life skill set.

Breathing.

So then I asked these Air Force guys,
"Hey listen,

why do you need so much oxygen?"

So they're like, "You know
when you're doing an inverted turn

sometimes you get a lot of G's
in your brain and you need the oxygen..."

And I'm like, "You guys are lying."

They're like, "Yes, we are Air Force.
The Air Force lies."

I wasn't talking
about any recent events.

Why will Air Force lie?
They have planes.

The plane can piss anywhere.

Oh school..

Online education

I'm really really disappointed.

Really

My second disappointment
happened when I was 19.

One Nine

When I was 19, there was this
thing that afflicted the human race.

It was called Y2K

Okay

Y2K was a virus that afflicted
computers in the year 1999

when computers couldn't recalibrate
how to go from 31st December 1999

to 1st January 2000.

They were like, "How do we do this?
Call Aryabhatta."

They were very confused. They were like,
"zeroooo"

They were going mad. They couldn't
handle.

And there were Op-eds written, fuckin'
newspaper articles, magazine articles

Everything

Everything written saying that,

"Planes will be flying in
the air and they'll just crash."

"Humankind will be extinct."

"Babies will be coming out through
vaginas and they'll stop midway."

It was fuckin' great.

All of this, all of this.
It was supposed to happen.

I woke up on the 1st of January
and nothing, everyone's still here.

How disappointing!

My mom serving me parathas and I'm like,
"You're also here."

How disappointing!

Fuckin' Y2K

Y2K was the first Thanos.

I'm like...

I'm orphan, right. I became an orphan

Became an orphan

It's fine.

My mom said I can make these jokes.

It's in the will.

She didn't give me a house or anything.

So she said, "Make jokes about me."

I became an orphan at

It's a little too
late to become an orphan.

Right...

like when you picture an orphan,
you're thinking like

This fuckin'

Oliver Twist type motherfucker.

This is the problem when
I became an orphan, right.

Nobody gave me the sympathy
that I thought I deserved.

Everybody was like, "Hey asshole,
give money for mother's hospital bill.

Fuck off."

But when a two-year old becomes an orphan,
everyone is kind towards that person.

For a two-year old..

I was 35.
I knew my parents a lot longer.

For a two-year old what,
why you are giving so much sympathy.

A two-year old doesn't even
understand the concept of parents.

For him, it's like, "Those who used to
come yesterday, won't be coming today."

When I became an orphan,
things became clear to me.

A couple of things became clear to me.

Right.

When I lost my mom at 35

there were two emotions
that hit me really hard.

Two emotions.

90% of it was loss

and 10% was freedom.

Stay with me.

I'll give you an example.
I'll tell you why.

I was eating dinner

couple of weeks after my mom died

at the same table that my
mom and me would eat dinner at.

Was eating dinner and midway
through my meal I looked up

and I didn't see mom and I felt the loss

that was palpable.

90% loss palpable

Feel

I felt

But then

right after the meal got over

I lit a cigarette right there

at the table

10% freedom

You can't smoke in front of your mother.

I can't risk my life.

I like pudding, but not so much.

90% loss, 10% freedom man.

When I came an orphan...

I actually think that you know...

I mean...

I was 18, twenty years ago

but I wasn't an adult.

I think I became an adult at 35.

I became an adult when I
lost my mom and became an orphan

because I think

only when you're an orphan,
can you actually be an adult.

Because even if one parent is alive,
you get to hear the words,

"You are ruining our family name."

Now whose name am I ruining?

My own.

Now if I go to jail,
I'll have to call myself only,

"Hello, you've ruined your reputation.
Okay bye."

Fuck, ruined the reputation.

You only become an adult then.

Only become an adult then.

Because you realise sadly,
as an orphan, you've to do paper work.

This shitty,
fuckin' government paperwork

or else you will become homeless.

You know.

Have you ever opened an account?

On your own?

No, of course not.

Both your parents are alive.

Have you closed an account?

Don't worry,
nobody ever closes an account.

It's too much of a pain.

It's just like, "Let it be, fuck it."

"Let the money stay there."

Nobody.

You can't, you can't do paperwork
because whatever paperwork it is

rent agreement,
whatever, you'll always consult parents.

And the thing is you
don't get the time to adjust.

There's no time to adjust.
You become an adult.

One day you are like not doing paperwork,
the next day you've to do paperwork.

Like when my mom passed away,
I needed to get a death certificate.

So I was like, "Mom, how do you go..."

It's true.

It's tough man.

That and filling bottles.

Fuckin' hate filling water bottles.

If one parent is also in the house,
you're like, "I'll piss blood

but still won't fill water bottles."

Fucker will stand

Filter needs to be changed.

Fuck, it's so irritating.

Adulthood is tough man.

It's tough.

I lost my mom in 2016

and that same year was really shitty

because I also went to get a divorce.

Getting a divorce in
this country is impossible.

It is so difficult to get a divorce

because everyone wants
you to stay married.

It doesn't matter who they are.

Her family,
my family, everyone else's family...

Even uber driver says,
"Sir, stay married. Sir."

I'm like, "Asshole, just drive."

He's like, "Sir, 5-star rating."

I'm like, "I'll give you 2.5 only"

"Take the remaining 2.5 from her."

"If you wait for a year or two,
she'll give you all 5 stars."

I had to apply for a divorce man.

And the thing is when I
tell people I'm getting a divorce

they give me more sympathy than
when I told them I was being an orphan.

I'm like, "Assholes, where
was this sympathy when my mom died."

Stupid people.

But you get this. It's damn irritating.

Getting a divorce is really difficult
in this country. It's too difficult.

It's too difficult.

Because like the system
is designed to keep you married.

It's so much effort.
You're like, "Leave it."

"Will stay at home
and fuck other people."

It's so, it's like...you're just like,
"Fuck it."

"This is not worth it."

Coz it's ridiculous.

Sometimes you fall in love
with your wife again,

because you are finding the system.

You're like, "We're in it together.
I love you."

Any reason they'll give
you to stay married. Any reason.

They'll be like, "No..."

The judge

First of all,
it's not like you've seen it.

It's not visualized...like

There's this guy who's just
there behind a stack of papers.

There's no witness stand or anything.
It's just there. Ehh

And then we'll be like,
"We want to get a divorce."

"Why you want to get a divorce.
Don't get a divorce.

It's too much paperwork.
Stay together for the environment."

Like any reason to...

Right outside the judge's chamber

Right outside there's
a chart paper, okay?

On which there's a drawing, okay?

Made by a child who I'm sure

his parents were fighting for
custody while he was drawing this.

Okay?

Because this drawing is just depressing,

It's a tree drawn in sketch pen

but there are smudges from tears

that you can see.

Right? It's just there, okay.

And this tree is there, and there's
fuckin' in stencil there's a line written.

It says, "Marriage is like a tree."

"Only one person should not water it."

"Your analogy is wrong."

"What do you mean tree?"

First of all, it's a tree.

It does not matter who's watering it.

It will grow on it's own.

If I piss on it, it will grow better.

Because my piss has urea in it.

Biggest problem in this sentence.

"Only one person should
not water it." Then how many?

That is the problem in the marriage.

So weird.

Fucking it's just so difficult
to get a divorce. It's impossible.

It doesn't matter.
Love marriage, arranged marriage.

It doesn't matter.

Like

Getting a divorce

It's strategic.

It's like playing chess.

Right.

And you've to be damn smart.

First of all, you've to
pretend like you don't want to play chess.

Because the more you want to play chess,
the more fucked you will get.

Right? So you are playing chess.

And then I move my queen and check

And she's like,
"I don't want to play chess."

Means?

And the more you wish to play chess,

the more you will get fucked.

There was this law
that existed till Jan.

I got my divorce in December.

Okay. There was this
law that existed till January.

Then it got overturned.

Because, "Let's fuck Neville."

This was the law, okay.

Now, just for the sake of this joke.

23, you and I are married.

Okay, just for the sake of this joke.

My lawyers told me to say that sentence.
I can't afford alimony anymore.

So just for the sake of this joke,
you and I are married.

And I cheat on you. Okay, it's a joke.

You and I are married. I cheat on you.

I go to jail. I'm criminally liable.

If you cheat on me,
you don't go to jail.

But the guy who cheated on me with,
he goes to jail.

What law is this?
That man is totally unaware.

He's fucking.

Every thrust is one year in prison.

He cums. Life imprisonment.

You know why this law existed?

This law existed because
women were considered property.

And property, cannot commit a crime.

Who won that round?

She guys, she won all the rounds.
She has my property.

It's tough man.
That same year was also shitty

because that was the same year,

I found out that I was in depression

Fucking 2016.

Death. Depression. Divorce.

I was fucked in 3D.

Fucking so...

So, the thing is I found out
that I was in depression and

I was depressed for a long time.

Like I had problems
for a very long time.

The last 35 years I was an idiot.

It's pretty much what it was, right.
Summarised to.

The problem with
depression and being a man

is that you will never
admit that you have a problem

because men aren't vulnerable.

We are not allowed to be vulnerable.

So we aren't vulberable
to a point where...

We are like, No, I have Testosterone.
I can make this better.

No. No. I have Testosterone
and I can make myself better.

Asshole! It's Testosterone not Serotonin

Fuckers, I had set up Serotonin.

What are you guys doing?

I had set up that
joke in the first half,

explained Serotonin too

Useless you lot are.

Fucked this joke completely.

It's tough man. It's tough.

Like I...

The way I found out that I had
depression is that my life was over.

Like I was in the gutter.

Finished. I was finished.

There was like nothing else.
I didn't have a choice.

They were like, "Let's go."
I was like let's go.

So I went.

I reached there.

I was asked to sit.

Heard me out.

Now, I've been doing
this for a long time.

I have been going to therapy for...

Three and a half years

because I have money

Sorry, I had money.

So I have been going to the,

I have been going to theraphy
for three and a half years right?

So I have been doing
this for a long time now.

So I get lot of questions.

People keep asking me, "Hey Neville,
why do you go to therapy?

Why do you keep going to therapy?"

First of all,
everyone should go to theraphy.

I think its important.

You meet your inner asshole.

It's great!

Ok, you should just go.

It's like a cold for your brain.

Like you know, just go.

I mean if you had a cold,

you'd go to a doctor
otherwise you would die of pneumonia.

Right! Got it!

You are not going to be all,

'Hey no, what if the neighbour
saw me going to the doctor.'

If your neighbour saw,
let him go fuck himself!

Better go and sneeze on him.!

Now you go and take them along too.

Let's all go to the therapist.

Anyways my therapist,
is a family therapist.

All the comedians go to him.

That's the thing man.

So we had to, I went to therapy right.

And a lot of people ask me questions.

They ask me very basic questions
and they are great questions.

Like, "Neville, when did
you realise you needed therapy?"

Too late.

Too late. I will give you an analogy,
like when do you call a plumber?

When you flush and the water gurgles up,

not when you flush
and your shit overflows.

Hey Sujata, you're also here.

Very late.

Very late.

Very late.

Second...

Second question people ask me,

second question is,
"How did you find your therapist?"

Like how did you find your therapist?

It's a legit question.

Because...

Most therapist are amazing,

like 90 percent of
the therapist are amazing

and the other 10
percent are soothsayers.

But...

So 90 percent therapist are amazing
and it's kind of like a,

it's of like a vibe thing,
it's kind of like a dating thing,

You, you need to bond!

Got it.

What are you wearing?

You have to do this,

with your therapist, right.

Not, not. Don't do it. Its weird but...

What I mean is that vibe
needs to be happen, right?

Like you need to understand,
your therapist needs to understand you.

And you need to make a connection,

right?

Now, when I was trying
to find my therapist.

I had come up with a plan.

See, because I didn't
want to go to therapy.

I had come up with a genius plan.

Genius!

I was like, I will go
to my therapist and I will lie.

If my therapist catches it,
great therapist.

See you have to understand,

Therapist don't give a fuck!

Because they are human beings,

and there are too many
people willing to sneeze.

Alright, so if you tell
them you are a NASA scientist,

they'll note down
you are a NASA scientist.

Right.

So I went.

To four of them

lying...

With my fourth therapist I realised,

'Neville if you are lying to therapist,
maybe you need therapy.'

And so I found my man,

who had me at Hello!

And you have to understand
it's not like its in the movies,

It's not like it's in the movies.

There is no couch.

Fucking brand new swanky...

There is no couch.

There is no sunlight
coming through a window.

Perfect time of day,

with dust coming from
the book shelf next to it.

There is no person sitting
of your preferred gender,

wearing what you would preferably want

as they fucked you in
the middle of a session.

This doesn't happen.

My guy is a fat,
middle aged uncle with a paunch

and his tie comes over it

with a mustache he
uses to hide his yawn.

I have vetted this joke,
he is okay with it.

It's true because he
is a normal human being.

How much can one listen?

Think about it, he is listening
to my crap for the last three years.

What you have heard in the last hour is

what he has been listening
to for the last three years!

Yawning is understood.

Fuck man!

He is amazing, I have been going
for three years and half years to him.

Three and a half years,

and therapy takes time.

It does. It takes a long
time to fix your brain.

There are a lot of
people who ask me also,

"Neville, when you go
to the therapist first time,

how do you start making conversation?
how do you talk to them?"

Very legitamate question.

Its kind of like having sex
with a prostitute for the first time.

You know what that
transaction is supposed to be,

you just don't know how to get there.

Right, like you walk
in and you're like...

55 minutes later,
you are like, okay bye.

I'll do it the second time.

It's okay, it's fine.

Therapy takes time man,

I have been going for
three and a half years

and he still calls me work in progress.

"You are work in progress."

I am like, "Am I an MMRDA flyover?
Let's get this over with!"

You have been fixing
me for three years now.

Finally, one day he came

and he was like let me
explain to you the problem.

Alright!

He came to me

two years and two lakhs later,

and he said,
"Neville, see this is the problem.

You had abandonment issues as a child.

Which led you to confabulate
things and make things up,

and these making things up got
a little worse so you started lying.

And because of the
lying you got anxiety,

and the anxiety led you to depression."

I am like,
"You knew this day one, right?"

Cause this seems like
psychology textbook chapter 101.

Such an easy equation!

I had a big lying problem, dude.

I had a big lying problem.

One day...

And the reason,

why he calls me a work in progress
is this kind of stuff because,

like I didn't understand this
whole thing of lying and all that.

Just like one day
I went to him and like,

"Listen doc, I am getting a divorce

and I don't really
care about my relatives

and all so I don't want to tell them."

So, he is like, "Don't tell them. Lie."

I am like that's what got me here!

Do you want to milk
some more money out of me?

He is like,
"No, no, sometimes its ok to lie."

I am like who is going to tell me this.

How am I supposed to learn?

He said, I will tell you what, 95 percent
of the time, always tell the truth.

What about the other five percent?

You call me.

I mean this is a fuck all solution.

My girlfriend is standing
in a dress saying, "Do I look fat?"

I will say, wait one minute
let me call my therapist?

One day he came to me and he was like,

"Neville, I think to
accelerate your progress,

we need to make sure that
you need to start taking medication."

I was like, "Doc no!

These psychotropic
drugs and all I can't do."

It will fuck like...

Saddness is my strength

I am an artist.

My jokes stem from the roots of my pain.

Please, don't make me part with my pain.

And he is like,
"Dickhead, get better first?"

He didn't say Dickhead.

If he had I would have
taken the medication.

More earnest

No man it was a big, big thing.

I was like,
"Doc, I am not taking the medication."

He is like no,
"You take the medication."

I was like,
"I don't want the medication."

Then he said,
"Okay fine, then go work out."

I was like, "Was this an option?

Why didn't you say so?"

He is like, "Because I know you."

I am like, "what do you mean?"

He is like, "You want the medication
or you want the workout?"

"Alright give me the pill,"

Fuck sadness.

One day I went to him,
one of our sessions,

I was like, "Doc umm...

I have suicidal thoughts."

He is like, "Don't worry,
you don't have the balls to do it."

What an amazing therapist!

I was like, "That is gratifying,

but why?"

He is like, "Let it be. Let it go."

It's fine.

But he was right, I...

Like my suicide thoughts were
really shitty, like they were...

Like if I had actually killed
myself with one of my own suicides,

you would applaud,

because one of my suicide
thoughts was great, okay.

One of my suicide thoughts was great.

Like I was.

You know Dadar Catering College,

right outside on Cadell road there is one
tree right in the middle of the road.

It's there, because Bombay.

And someone tied a thread around it
so now we can't cut it.

So now traffic goes around it.

Tree is there,

and more than one person waters it.

So one day,
I was travelling on Cadell road

and I looked at the tree and I was like,

"Neville, if you drive into
this tree in full speed, you will die."

But right then,
my brain went, "Bro, but if you don't,

then the insurance will kill you."

Who thinks about insurance
when you are killing yourself?

Me!

There are two types of people
who have suicidal thoughts.

Okay!

One set of people have suicidal thoughts

because they genuinely are low,
at the worst point of their lives,

believe that there is no hope
and so they have suicidal thoughts.

The other set of people
have suicidal thoughts

because they, they want to sound cool,

because their friends have it.

They are like, "My battery is dead,
now I want to kill myself too."

Now those guys should really die.

If they are at a cliff,
you just go there and go oops!

Hey you asked for it.

Assisted suicide.

I don't think...
Anyone should kill themselves.

But I just have one piece of advise
if you are trying to kill yourself,

don't call the government
suicide helpline.

Don't do it.

It is designed to help
people commit suicide.

It is really a suicide HELP line.

I once dialed the number

to keep the number busy
so that some people can do it.

Turns out they were already busy.

But thats the thing man.

Don't call the government
suicide helpline,

if you want to kill yourself
because they'll keep you on hold.

I am not kidding.

They just keep you on hold.

I think someone keeps the phone
off the hook and is busy with it.

Yes, really, they really do this.

Like if you are standing on the ledge
at the worst point in your life

that's the last thing you want to do.

Like you are standing on the ledge
and you want to kill yourself,

and you are like,

"The number you've dialled
is currently busy..."

They might as well just record,

Jump

Jump

Jump

Jump

Jump

Jump

So you can go, 'Ah...'

That won't kill you really,
that will just break a bone.

If you really want to die,

then you have to go,

Some of you are thinking about
someone while I was making that noise.

The person you were thinking about,

is the person you hate the most.

You know who I was thinking about.

I tried to kill myself.

I used to smoke.

I used to smoke, I gave up smoking,

because I got a divorce.

As soon as it came through,
I was like Ah!

Now, I want to live.

I gave up smoking man,
I gave up smoking.

Fucking hate that I gave up smoking,

because cigarettes are
the best thing in the world.

They are.

They are fucking amazing.

Smokers here give me a cheer.

Smokers, smokers?
Woo!

Yeah! It's fucking...

Cigarettes are the best thing
in the world.

I know you are 20
and don't smoke,

It's not good for you and all
but they are the best thing in the world.

I promise.. they are fucking amazing!

And I'll, I'll prove it.

Like see,

whenever, whatever you want,

a cigarette is there for you.

Cigarette doesn't let you down.

Cigarette doesn't play chess.

Cigarette doesn't keep you on hold.

Cigarette is fucking amazing.

Okay!

You are hungry,

have a cigarette.

You can have a cigarette,
after your meal too.

You are angry with someone,

smoke a cigarette.

You are thinking,

smoke a cigarette.

You are writing, smoke a cigarette.

You want to take a dump,
smoke a cigarette.

Cigarette is fucking amazing!

See you are not understanding.

For a non smoker
What is the most heightened,

pleasurable experience they can have,

an orgasm.

Right?

For a non smoker the best experience
they can have physically is an orgasm.

Right!

A smoker,

gets the orgasm.

And they are like wait this gets better.

Thank you so much. That's been my time.

You guys have been amazing. Good night!