Going Ape! (1981) - full transcript

Ladies and gentlemen,
if I may have your attention.

The beloved founder
of the flying Sabatinis,

formerly of the famed
Fantastic Sabatinis,

and originator

of six Sabatinis of his own,

in this, his last performance.

"Dry your eyes.

"No man minds
if a beautiful girl.

"Wipes off her tears
with his shirt."

"Today it is my last wish.

"That you all remember me,
Max Sabatini,



"as I lived."

"And not as I died."

Damn.

Oops, I'm late.

"So, in this, my symbolic
final trip across the wire,

"Lazlo, my loyal friend
and protege,"

"shall perform
for Max Sabatini."

"When a mother calls her son

"a bastard,"

"you can take her word for it."

Foster, Max told me to
give you this note. Now?

He said, "At the grave." RINGMASTER: "I
learned this as a young man from my father,

"who learned it from his
father before him,"

"who learned it from
his father before that."



"Foster, the plaid sports jacket
would've been much better. Love, Max."

"Always remember,
God gives one."

"A leather bottle full of gold.

"The devil gives a golden bottle"

"full of shit."

"Love, Max"

Oh.

You've been called here today to hear the
last will and testament of Max Sabatini,

your father,
your dear friend and mine.

Now, are there any questions
at all before I begin?

Just get on with it, Jules.

"Sad as I am to disband
the Sabatini circus,

"the money from its sale
is to be divided

"between my daughters
and you, all my dear friends,

"for my only son Foster
chose long ago

"to abandon the circus
of his father,"

"and his father's father,
and his father's father."

Oh, for Christ's sake, Jules,
could you just get on with it?

"So, trusting that once burned,
Foster will find it in his heart

"to not let me down in my grave,"

"I am entrusting him with my
three most valuable possessions."

What? To him?

What? Oh, I can't believe it!

"Foster,
my beloved son and heir,

"I leave my three babies."

"Rusty, Tiga and Poppy."

"Most
valuable possessions!"

The apes? What am I supposed
to do with the apes?

Open your own circus!

Please, a little respect.

"To assure Foster's being
able to care for my babies,

"Lazlo shall go with him."
Lazlo?

"An annual stipend shall cover
any and all expenses incurred."

- Ever seen those apes...
- Poop?

"To my trusted attorney,
Jules Cohen,

"Foster will periodically
receive my instructions.

"As to the details
of this bequest,"

"and for his caring and loving
them as I have for two full years."

I give him two minutes!

Oh, terrific. Look, Jules,
I don't want the filthy beasts.

"I know he will
love them as I have."

"I therefore bequeath my only
son Foster my entire estate."

"Of $5,000,000!"

He did it to get even.
He never forgave me for leaving the circus.

Did I ever tell you about the times as a
child he carried me up on the wire with him?

He used to drop me into the net.

The first time he didn't
tell me there was a net.

I never thought Max
was a cruel man.

Oh, to him it
was all a big joke!

All the Sabatinis dropped
their kids from three stories.

His father and his father's father.
Hey, be careful.

Don't mix up the Babe splinters
with ones from the cross.

You mean it matters? Very funny.

Foster, listen,
maybe if you just talked to your sisters,

you could work out some
sort of exchange with them.

Are you kidding? They'd be so happy to
see me buried up to my neck in camel caca.

Foster.

What are you gonna
do about the orangutans?

I know what you're thinking.

That I have no integrity because
I dropped out of two colleges.

Three.

And you believe I'm undependable
and cheap and can't hold down a job.

Admit it.

But I don't need
Max Sabatini's money.

I mean, It's not as though I don't
have a going business right here.

I've been happy
without sick love maxims,

without the circus
and without Max Sabatini.

Would you give me a hand
with this desk?

Desk? Gotta make room
for them goddamn cages.

Tiga! Tiga, I gotta get you
past Zabrowski's, so cool it.

Tiga, he's gonna hear you.
Please, shh!

What's doing with all the
clumping and banging. Goddamnit.

Ah, Mr. Zabrowski!

All's well, Mr. Zabrowski! Everything's fine.
It's just a little heavy.

I suppose you want some help.
Ah, no. Uh, no, uh...

Everything's under control.
I won't need any help.

I can do it just fine myself.
All is well, Mr. Zabrowski.

Yeah? What's in the box?

Ah Antiques! My father,
he sent me some very valuable antiques.

Fragile. Antiques?

They've been in
the family for years.

They stink!

Yeah, well, they're very old.

I hope you'll be happy, Foster.

Will you stop? I told you,

it'll just be until I can figure a
way to change Max's will a little.

Call me someday
and tell me about it.

I'll send a cab for my things.

Won't you just stay
and meet them?

Sure, why not? I'm a good sport.

Great! Which one
do you wanna meet first?

Aren't they all the same?

Oh, no way.
You're gonna love 'em.

Okay, Rusty,
come on out, little guy.

This is Rusty. He's the male.

There're three of them?

No, the others are bigger.

Tiga!

Tiga, meet Cynthia.

Pleased to meet you.

Tiga, please! Meet Cynthia!

Go on, get outta here.

Hey, okay. Cynthia, meet Poppy.
This is Poppy.

Poppy, meet Cynthia.

Poppy, meet Cynthia!

Thanks.

Don't tell me they can write!
No, I think it's from Jules.

Eeek!

It's from Max!

Max is dead.
I told you he'd haunt me.

Well, read it!

It says not to read it
in front of...

In front of what?
In front of them.

Come on now!

"The chicken of love has often
crawled from the egg of pity.

"Now you have my babies.
Will you take them as I have

"with generosity,
love and affection?

"Be advised that if for any
reason any of the orangutans

"should get sick or,
God forbid, die,

"you'll forfeit the inheritance
and the entire five million

"will go to
the zoological society,

"who have promised to house
and feed the survivors,"

"and then when they pass on,
to stuff them."

Poppy?

Hey, what are you guys doing?
Watch out!

Nobody's gonna stuff you!

Foster, stop them!

- Help! Foster!
- I'm gonna kill you guys!

No, I mean I'm not!

Oh!

Poppy! Tiga, no!

Tiga! Damn it, stop it!

- Cut it out!
- Oh, my God!

Cynthia, wait!

Cynthia!

"If you don't close the door in the
evening, you can't open it in the morning.

"Love, Max-a."

We have to decide what to do
about the Sabatini legacy.

What's there to decide?

We don't get one penny

unless Max Sabatini's son
fails to fulfill his duties.

And from what I understand is...

Only one of the damn beasts has to
die for him to lose the five million.

Are you sure?

How's their health?

Disgustingly excellent.

Sabatini fed them with, um...
Uh, uh...

On. Fed them on organic bananas.

Well, you can always have them,
you know, bumped off.

Brandon, how dare you?

How could you suggest
such a thing?

The walls have ears.

What Gridley's saying is
"Don't talk about it, do it!"

"Do it?"

Do "it"!

Well... "It" costs money.

Jesus Christ!

Hey, listen, Tiga,
you gotta understand something.

There are moments a person
needs to himself around here.

You hear that?

This room's off-limits
to you guys.

Okay, where's
the rest of the zoo?

Everybody up.

Uh-uh, no way. There will be
no walks until after breakfast.

I haven't even had my coffee yet.
No! "N" "O", no!

Poppy, that's not for you.
I haven't read...

Hey, listen, if you guys are gonna live
here, you're gonna have to learn a few rules.

Poppy? Poppy, I said...

Who turned off the coffee?
Tiga, I like coffee. I drink coffee.

And I don't care
what Max does... Did.

Rusty, get up!

Come on, damn it.
I'm in no mood.

Rusty?

Lazlo? Lazlo?

Damn it.

Oh, no!

Let's see.

Rusty!

It's me!
Why did you lock the door?

I didn't want any drafts.

Thank God you're here.
You would not believe... Foster.

I told you I need some time alone and away.
You promised!

I know I promised,
but this is an emergency!

Did you see Zabrowski out there?

No. Foster, the man lives here.
You're gonna have to tell him.

You can't hide this
zoo for two years.

I'll tell him, I'll tell him.
When the time is right.

We're in trouble.

His temperature's 117 degrees.

Foster, that's impossible!
He'd be dead! Shh.

They're very suggestible.
Foster, they're animals!

Ah, Rusty.

His temperature just hit 135 degrees.
Should we bury him now?

What? Foster, I hate to tell
you, but Rusty is a fake.

Now see what you've done?

I told you
he was very suggestible.

Besides, you haven't even
heard him sneeze yet.

There, you see?
Did you bring the chicken soup?

I wasn't sure whether he
wanted matzo balls or kreplach,

so I brought both.
No, no, I'll take both.

Excuse me a minute.

My good boy, Rusty!

See? Isn't it fantastic what
a little chicken soup will do?

I told you,
I don't care how much money you got.

I ain't interested.

I don't do that no more.
We don't do it no more.

I'm telling you,
it ain't the same thing.

These ain't people.
They're apes!

I got eight years for the
last gorilla I robbed.

Hey, Joey, how you eatin', huh?

Oh, I'm eatin' good.
Look at the calamari. Delicious!

No, I mean how
you payin' your bills?

Mmm.

I got friends.

They owe me favors. You know what I mean?
You know what I mean?

All right, look.
I'll make it 3,000 all right?

Pass me the butter.

Hey, you know,
$3,000 is a lot of money, huh, Joe?

Bad Habit, huh?

Listen, goddamn it. I'm telling you,
it's a cakewalk! I could do it myself!

Yeah? Then why don't you?
Yeah, why don't you?

I'll make it 5,000.

But you gotta do it with us.
You got to do it with us, that's right.

All right.

I will. But you can't
tell nobody, right?

Salute.

Yeah. Salute.

For the life of me, Cynthia,

I don't understand
what you see in him.

After all the private schools your father
and I sent you to, you wind up with...

I haven't wound up with anyone.

I wound down. I moved out.

Then why does my Dali sketch
still hanging in his apartment?

Because I forgot it. And to be
honest, I don't really wanna go back.

My third husband
gave me that sketch.

And I'm not leaving it to be
destroyed by those beasts.

They're never
left alone, Mother.

Besides, he's got Lazlo.

What's a Lazlo?
He came with the apes.

Hey, Cynthia, you going up to Foster's?
Oh, hi, Marvin. Yeah.

Would you mind taking a couple things
up with you? I'm really running late.

Sure.

Thanks a bunch!

You're welcome.

Oh, by the way, the apes?

Don't say anything you don't want them
to hear. They understand everything.

Great! Maybe somebody in this
apartment can get a decent job.

"There is no woman
without some hardness,

"and no man
without some softness."

"Love Max-a."

Will you take care of Tiga?

It's great to see you.
Foster, this is Fiona.

Shh! From now on, ring twice.
Two short, one long.

Just out of curiosity, why?

How do you do, Mrs.
Goodwin? I'm Foster.

I wasn't sure.

Uh...

It's Tiga. She's...

She's still learning
to deal with you.

To deal with me?
Yeah, well, she's...

There's only one way to say it, Cynthia.
She's jealous.

Well, you just tell her that I
don't want anything she wants.

I moved out. I hate fruit.
And I never use sawdust for my toilet!

This is for you.

Anything else we
should know about?

You know, now that
you mention it, um,

the wicker chair
near the window?

Poppy likes to sit in it.

So don't sit in the wicker
chair while she's in it, right?

No. Ever. Ever?

Ever.

We gotta walk around here
like we belong here.

The secret of this is to
act, uh, inscapicuous.

I know that. Me too.

Ah, what did you do?

What the hell is that?

Hey, don't break my shoes,
huh? I'm a professional.

I do my homework.

Yeah, we do our homework.

Yo!

Off the scaffold!

Yeah?

Suntan lotion.

On what basis does she
select the books she wants?

Never mind.

They're quite likeable once you
get to know their idiosyncrasies.

No, no.
Just let her get to know you.

If you speak to her firmly,
she'll respond, Mrs. Goodwin.

Firmly. If you so much as touch this
hat again, you bowlegged baboon,

I'll kick your
hairy ass crimson.

Shut your furry face!

See?

Hey, Habit, start painting, huh?

Yeah, I know I'm gonna paint.

We'll be off this
thing in a minute.

Hey. What the hell
is that thing?

Will you stop breakin' my chops, huh?
Go to work.

I'm concentrating.

It's a periscope, dope. Great.

I got one.

This is fantastic.
This is buck soup!

Attaboy.
Now just don't move now.

Let me look.
What's there to look?

You told me any monkey.
I wanna look!

Oh, my!

Lazlo!

What, are you crazy?
You're about to kill a lady!

How can you tell the sex from over here?
It's a lady, dummy.

A stacked lady.
She didn't look so stacked to me.

Fiona? Fiona, please.
The chair, remember?

Gimme this thing over here.

I say we shoot this one.

Wait! No! Joey, I'm tellin'
ya, that ain't no monkey!

Yeah? Well,
if that ain't no monkey,

then I'm a purple-ass baboon, yeah?
What?

Because that thing's got hair all over it.
No, wait, let me...

Ah... Tell you what, Joey,

I'll look through this thing,
and when I tell you to shoot,

you come shoot, okay?

No! Hey, I'm a
professional here.

Either you trust me
or you don't trust me.

Look, now get outta my way.
Trust is one thing.

But I'm not gonna be caught up in any
damn murder conspiracy, you understand?

Hey, hey. Whoa.
Come on, guys, cool it now.

You're messin' up my whole job.

I have to hold on
to you, I can't hold on!

Oh!

Don't let go, Joey! I gotcha, I gotcha!
Let go. Let go. Let go.

What, are you crazy?

Help, help! Joey!

Give me a hand over here.
Give me a hand. I can't hold you!

Oh, no!

You remembered the ring.
Terrific. What's the surprise?

I made veal piccata.
That's the surprise?

Hey, wait a minute!
You don't give a person a chance.

I mean, I thought we could
do this kinda nice, you know.

After dinner and stuff.

Oh.

Okay, dinner's over.

What's the surprise?

Don't let anyone ever kid you.
You're no romantic.

That's right.

What's the surprise?

Well, I wanted to do it first,
and then tell you about it.

But if you gotta know...
I gotta know.

I'm gonna talk to Jules.

- Max's lawyer?
- Yeah.

I'm gonna offer him a million
bucks to change the will.

To say that he found
some hidden envelope

that says Max changed his mind

and that I don't have to keep the...
Wait a minute.

You're gonna try to bribe Max's
loyal best friend and attorney?

That's your surprise?

Why not?

A million bucks ain't
exactly chicken feed.

Foster, that's illegal!
You could go to jail! Who would know?

I mean, the man's human.
And you're crazy!

My mother was right,
and she does love to be right.

Hey, wait a minute.
I thought you'd be surprised.

It's funny, Foster.
I must be crazy, too, 'cause you know what?

I am surprised!

You know, I really can't
believe her, Poppy.

I mean, all she sees
is her own reality.

I don't think it's that
hard to understand.

You'd understand, wouldn't you?

I even made veal piccata.
It's delicious! Try it.

Good, huh?

Morning, Lazlo.

How was the movie? Oh, Foster...

Never mind.
Forget it, forget it.

That girl. Three years of my life.
Who would've believed it?

An Italian love story? I get it.

Will you pick that crap up now?
No, no, no.

What?

Lazlo, what's wrong?

The "gramp"!
The "gramp" in my sword!

Will you stop it?

"Verona!"

Is fruit head.

Verona!

Huh?

Fruit...

You mean Cynthia's mother, Fiona?
Ah!

"The girls have more respect

"for the ugliest bull

"than the handsomest ox."

"Love Max-a."

Hey! Nobody said
you could do that.

Poppy, will you shut that off?

Poppy, cool it!

Hey, Lazlo,
what's she looking at?

What the hell's
the matter with you?

It's just hair, a little hair.

It's a hair.

Oh, Christ. So she was here.
Look, damn it, she's a good friend.

Will you shut that off?

I said off!

Lazlo. Lazlo!

Lazlo, do something!

Mother, I thought
you'd be ready.

I wanted to practice
a few more kicks!

You're already a brown belt.
Aren't you getting a bit carried away?

Read the newspapers.
I'm a black belt.

Oh, congratulations.

How's P.T. Barnum? Have they climbed
the Empire State Building yet?

Mother, I may not like Foster very
much at the moment, but I do love him.

If you ever get to know him,
you might love him too.

Like a boa constrictor
loves a mongoose.

I think that's a cobra.

You see, poison!

He wants me to dye my hair red.

Damn!

Hand me a wrench.

I'm getting tired
of these hassles.

Sneaking by Zabrowski's
apartment like he's the warden.

I mean, it's degrading.

No more sneaking!

Worse than Zabrowski,
Cynthia doesn't understand,

she's still pissed.
And over nothing.

Pissed! Just because I asked
her to dye her hair red.

Holy shit!

Foster. Foster, Cindy.

Will you cut the crap?

Between your movies and Max's...
Cynthia! Something special.

Tall cost.

Buy.

You mean, buy her something!

No bread without yeast.

Ah. Aren't they exquisite?

It's truly beautiful here. Yeah.

I didn't wanna go to the park.
Oh?

It's too close to the zoo.

I loved the sushi. Yeah?

Me too.

Cynthia,

I wish you'd reconsider
moving back in.

You just got me to walk back in.
Don't push it.

You know, uh, I made a decision.

Yeah? Yeah.

I'm gonna do something. I am.

It's just gonna take a
little longer to pull it off.

Honest? Honest.

Legal?

I want you to know I think you've been
pretty terrific through this whole thing.

I know it hasn't been any fun.
I haven't done much.

But you have, really!

It hasn't gone
unappreciated either.

I think you've been
really terrific.

Anyway,

I want you...
I want you to have this.

Foster, they're elegant!

They're real antiques.
Thank you!

Must've cost a fortune.

Thank you.

Hey, you sure this is gonna work?
It'll work!

Because I'm gonna damn well
make sure that it works.

Yeah, well, it better. I just got the
word that we're runnin' out of time.

Oh, yeah? I thought you told me that you
said you didn't want no one to get hurt.

Yeah, thought you said you
didn't want nobody to get hurt.

That was before.

Remember now,
it's the first door next to the apes.

Wait a minute.
You might not need those.

You ready? Yeah.

Well, come in!

So, you've come! How wonderful!

Just as he said
you would. Welcome!

Welcome!

I think we interrupted something.
Oh, no, you didn't.

Cameroon said, "Three angels in
white shall appear before you."

Cameroon? My guide.
My Indian guide.

But you must know him.
He comes from whence you come.

We don't come from Whence.

We just came from
the freight elevator.

There was no Indian. Ooh!

Look, lady, what I want...

The angels in white.

We ain't no angels.

Careful! Don't touch anything!

We don't wanna leave any prints.

Listen, I don't like
the feel of this place.

I don't care what you like.
Get your ass in gear.

When these tanks blow,
them monkeys gonna be nothin' but a memory.

Yeah, "Tanks for the
memory."

You see? I told you it wouldn't
take long before they'd get to you.

Oh, I just can't bear
to see any child suffer.

Don't you think you better get down
from there? I mean, these floors are...

Naw, it's great. Come on up.

Thank God for the horse races.

Imagine, a whole day
without Zabrowski.

Sooner or later
Zabrowski's gotta find out.

Why not just go to
him and explain?

Are you crazy? He just gave D'Angelo
upstairs a warning for two goldfish.

And you can't even
smell goldfish crap.

You mean Tiga the queen
does that kind of thing?

Shh. Not so loud.
She'll hear you.

There's somebody lookin' at me.
Who?

I don't know,
but they got brown eyes.

Joey! Joey!

Joey. Joey!

Stop playing around
and give me a hand.

Whew!

Are you sure this gas
is gonna ignite?

What? Are you sure the
gas is gonna ignite?

Of course.

This time I didn't
leave nothin' to chance.

Bad Habit stole this here
from his mother's dentist.

Takin' two of 'em were his idea.

Yeah, it was my idea.
Double your pleasure.

He
got a splinter in his thumb, huh?

He got it from your desk.
My desk?

Wait. Uh, uh...

When the mouse eats the flower,
he leaves his crap in the sack.

Ah! Crap in the sack.

Look. Tiga's out.

- I thought you locked her up.
- I did.

Will she be all right?
I mean, am I safe?

If you choose to laugh at
her, she may try to kill you.

Look what
she's wearing!

- It looks just like my earrings.
- Geez, the earrings.

It was a set.

You gave her the necklace?

Yeah, she wanted the earrings too,
but I told her they were for you.

Ah!

All right!

Cynthia!

You. You!

Ah!

Lazlo, do something.

Ah!

Ow! That was my elbow!

Ah!

Cynthia...

You don't wanna do that, baby.

Okay, that's one down.
Let's get the other hooked up quick.

Bad Habit,
check the hose for kinks.

Okay, just shove it right back
in there. One more and we're home free.

One more and we're home free?

Get her!

I'm finally having my party!
Get her!

I'm finally having
my party!

- Joey, the girl!
- I got it! I got it!

Cameroon, help me.

Quick,
light the goddamn fuse.

Let's get the hell out of here!

- Who's got the lighter?
- Give it to me.

I said, give it to me. You have
screwed things up for the last time.

What do you mean
I shouldn't worry, Jules?

Somebody just tried to
blow us into next Tuesday.

Hey, you wanna know
why Max lived so long?

He never went crazy like you.

You don't have to be crazy
to get blown up, Jules.

Now, how can you
take this so calm?

I get paid to be calm.

Now just what is it
you're asking me?

I'm asking who the hell
it could be and why?

And I'm telling you, it could be nobody.
The police disagree.

Oh, hey. In my business,
I've seen the police overreact before.

Now, look. Take it easy,
go to a movie and forget about it.

Damn it, Tiga!

Now, listen, Jules,
I'm telling you...

Tiga, would you...

Give me that back!

Damn it! Stop playing around!

Hope you're happy.

You successfully destroyed the only true
relationship I've been able to sustain.

Why'd you have to flaunt the goddamn
necklace, anyway? Lazlo, hand me that rag.

Thanks.

Who is it?
Get out of here.

It's me, Zabrowski. Open up.

Okay, the party's over.

These are the police.
Where are they?

Where are who?
Oh, you wanna be cute, huh?

"No man hates his nose
so much to bite it off."

Love Max-a! Shut up!

Tiga? Poppy? Rusty?

Come, come, come.
Poppy?

You know them?
You know, you ain't too bright.

Max was right when he said you
need somebody to look after you.

Max? You knew Max? You knew Max?

Quiet, Lazlo.

May he rest in peace. FOSTER: Why
didn't you tell me about it, goddamn it?

You had me sneakin' around here...
Goddamn sneakin'!

Ah!

Max arranged for you
to keep the apes.

When all is well at the end of two years,
Zabrowski gets to keep the building.

Max bought you the building?
These guys are gonna look after you.

Goddamn sneakin'!
Lazlo, will you...

"The horse does not lift
his tail without good reason."

I said you were taking your life
in your hands when you went back!

Forget the bomb!
That monkey might have killed you!

I only went back because Foster
said he'd made a decision.

Tiga's merely jealous,
not homicidal.

That just means she
hasn't killed anybody yet.

If I thought she was going to get violent,
I would have simply given her the earrings.

What? You mean you didn't shove
those earrings up his banana stalk?

No. Why? They're mine.
I want them.

Boy, are you dumb!
No wonder he shares you with an ape.

All right, I'm dumb.

Mother, I love him.
What can I do?

Will you listen to me for once?

I mean, I didn't
bury five husbands

because I didn't know
how to land one.

It was keeping them alive
afterwards that was the problem.

If you really love him,
there's a lot you can do.

Will you let me help? All right.

As long as you don't
do anything drastic.

Drastic to Foster is anything
that would cost him $2.

The first thing we do is
give the damn earrings back.

But why? Because, dummy!
You've got too much pride.

Yes? You blew it again!

I told you how long
you had, Gridley.

And your time is just about up.

You don't sound very good.
Never mind how I sound!

Yes, I understand.
It was a mistake.

I won't, uh, uh... I shan't...

Yes, shan't make one again.
There's still time.

This time I will
make sure personally.

This time I will
make sure personally!

So I ask myself,

"Why is it so important for Brandon
to knock off a monkey, huh?"

So I did a little checkin' on my own.
So why, already?

These are not
your ordinary monkeys.

Tell me about it.
We're lucky to be alive.

That's not what I mean!

These monkeys are worth five million
bucks to the guy who's got 'em.

That's if he can keep 'em from croakin'.
And if he can't?

If he can't,
they get stuffed and he gets...

For what? For what?
For snot, stupid!

It's worth five Gs to Brandon

just to knock one of them off.

They can't give you the
chair for killing a monkey.

That's not it!

Listen to me.

If it's worth five Gs to
Brandon to bump a baboon,

what do you figure it's worth to
the chump to get one of 'em back?

One back? You mean...

How are we gonna
kidnap a monkey?

Get back here!

Heh-heh.

Somebody's in there. Who?

I don't know.

We'll rush in together. Come on.

You ready? Yeah.

One, two, three!

Listen. What do we do now?

We pick one, do it and split.
Just like we planned.

That one seems to like you.
Yeah.

Let's take that one then. No.
That's the one we don't want.

Try kissing that one.
Maybe you'll like her better.

Ohh!

Okay, okay. Then you choose.
We'll take that one.

That one? How come?

'Cause I like her eyes.

'Cause that's the one we want, stupid!
Now go get her.

Me? Wait a minute. Why me? Yeah.

Go ahead. But why me?

Look! They're harmless. Eh?

Being so intimate with them
already, why don't you go get her?

How come if anybody wants to
get anything done around here,

he's gotta do it hisself, huh?

One punch and she's mine.

I thought you said one punch
and she was yours. Shut up!

Take care of the box.

Ah.

Hey, I read this.

It's not a bad story.
Did you get to the part about the funeral?

Good.

I tell you, this book
is one of my favorites.

You know the part about the girl

where she says she won't want
to be treated like a whore?

What's the matter?
Did I say something wrong?

Oh. Anyway, in a couple of chapters
she gets back to her boyfriend,

who's been lying to her and everybody else.

What do you think about him?

Oh, yeah. I won't tell you how she does
it 'cause I don't wanna ruin it for you.

Oh, yeah. One other thing.
Don't get fooled by the mother's sweet talk.

Because at the end, that old lady,
she turns out to be a real barracuda.

Joey, where are you?

Would you like a six-pack to go?

Axe murderer.

This isn't an apartment
house, it's an asylum.

Now, remember, let me
do the talking.

All right! All right.
All right, all right!

Comin'.

I'm comin'.

Comin'.

What'd you do to him?
We didn't do anything. We just got here.

Are the apes okay? Of course.

Tiga, Rusty, Poppy?

Come on out. Come here. Poppy?

Come on, Poppy.
I'm don't feel like playing any games.

Poppy? Pop?

She's gone.
Could she be with Lazlo?

No. Lazlo went to the movies.
What am I gonna do?

What could have happened to Poppy?
The policeman! That crate!

No. No, why would a policeman...
He's in on it!

The one in the hallway. But...

But he's unconscious.

The perfect alibi.

Uh-oh. He's coming to.
What shall we do?

Hai-ya!

Are you nuts? Would you prefer
I tell him a bedtime story?

Where can we put him? I know.

Come on. Come on. Oh!

Hold it.

Come on. Okay.

We gotta get Poppy.

Oh, it's just a couple
of firemen.

Wait a minute.

When was the last time a fire
captain knocked at your door?

They're firemen.
The explosion, remember? Maybe they...

And maybe that was only a
policeman with a crate, right?

What can we do? Mr. Sabatini?

Tell 'em to wait a minute.

This is
what we're gonna do.

Yes, gentlemen?

Okay, where are they?

Who? Who are you?

You don't have to worry about that.
Where are the apes?

They're gone.
The police took 'em. Find them.

But they... Find them!

The four of you move over
to the window.

A-ha! I got one!

Wait!

We better
take him with us.

Now, don't anyone...

Uh, anybody move

for 10 minutes, understand?

Tiga!

Come on. When they shoot that cop,
they'll be back. There may be more of them.

I can't believe how many lunatics
there are running around.

Oh, I don't know. How many original
slivers of Babe Ruth's cross have you sold?

Very funny.
Hey, I think we should split up.

No. No. Better we
stay close together.

I'll take Rusty and Poppy
and circle the block.

Meet us out in front
with Tiga in five minutes.

Then we'll rendezvous
at the hospital.

Got you. Rendezvous?

Hmm?

Come on. We're gonna
take the stairs.

Come on. We'll take the stairs.

Jules, what are you doing here?
I came to see you.

You don't sound very good, Jules.
Never mind how I sound.

Come on. You won't believe what's
been happening. Yeah? Try me.

By the way,
where's your police protection? Ha!

Quiet, Tiga.

Geez, Jules, you know, she really hates you.

To hell with her!
She's a baboon, not Princess Grace.

She's an orangutan.
Max said you loved them.

Hey, Jules, we're in trouble.

Hey, Jules, you?

Naw, come on.
You're Max's dearest.

Come on, Jules. Don't do it. You can
have the money, all of it. I swear it.

Just don't hurt Tiga.
Sorry, kid.

Please!

Keep the money.
Just leave us alone.

Do it for Max. Max-schmax!

Lazlo! Lazlo!

Get some stuff. Hurry up.
Bring it over here.

Come on, Lazlo, hurry up.

Come on, Lazlo. Come on!

Hurry up. Come on,
move this stuff. Hurry up!

Get me the phone.

Hurry up. The phone!
Tiga, get the phone.

Thanks.

Sheesh.

Lazlo, Tiga.

You think you guys
can get over there?

All right. Come on.
Go ahead, Tiga.

Gimme some room.

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Oh!

Oh!

Look at the monkey.

Foster! Make the
wriggling. Come!

If you're watching, Max,
this is all your fault.

For God's sake, do something.

Come, Foster. Come.

Hey. Come here.
Help me with this.

Out the window.

Got it? Good.

This is it! We got 'em now!
Move aside.

Oh, shoot!

Hey, Bad Habit. Yeah?

I thought you said
you got the ape.

It was a piece of cake.

A piece of cake, huh? Yeah.

Then who's that?

Mother, look out! Those police!

It is the ape, you asshole!

Foster. Foster.

Keep your eyes open for Fiona.

Ah, Verona.

There she is! Get 'em!

At least they're not shootin' at us.

Foster!

Foster, you dumbass son of a
bitch, get out of here.

What're you trying
to do, kill us?

When hot lead flies,
if you don't wait for stop signs.

Those goons are packing heaters!
Stay down, Tiga!

Mother, look!
It's Lazlo!

Fiona!

Follow me to the hospital.
To the ends of the earth, my pussy willow!

Think that lock's strong enough
to hold a monkey? Why not?

It was obviously made to hold the beasts.
Drive faster.

Blow out! Damn!

No. It ain't us. We're okay.

Look out!

Good gracious! Step on it!

Who's shooting at us? I don't know.
Just get out of here, damn it.

Maybe he hit the monkey. Great.

Gridley, the guy shooting at us?
Yes?

It is the monkey.

Hey, Joey, you ain't drivin' so good.
Shut up!

Come on. Look!
We got 'em trapped.

Careful.

Tiga! FOSTER: Hurry up. Quick.

Mrs. Verona, you and me, we can have a date.
You know, legitimate. Huh?

Mmm.

We got 'em. Okay, we got 'em.

Ah!

Fiona, I know a lovely
little Lithuanian restaurant.

With violins.

Okay, okay.

Split up. Lay low but stay close.
Right.

Come on, guys.
Come on, Tiga! Tiga!

Joey! Over here.

Hey!

Dead. Huh?

Dead. Oh, dead. Okay.

Go ahead.

Go on!

Ah! Joey!

Gee! Get me outta here.

Up, Poppy. Poppy, I got you.

Joey!

Get off me!

Dr. Morrow,
please call extension 2-3-1.

Dr. Morrow, extension 2-3-1.

Excuse us. I'm sorry. Certainly.
But please, don't run through the halls.

Hey, Joey! Look! Over there.

Joey. Ooh.

Get going. Let's go!

Take care of those guys
and bring back some rope.

Come on.

Tie 'em up. Make it snappy.
I gotta get out of here.

Come on!

Let's go. Hey!

Get up there.

Oh, stop! FIONA: What are
you going to do? Leave them alone!

Oh, no!

Please, don't hurt him. He's only a baby.
Shut up! He's an ape!

Rusty...

Please! Rusty.
Oh, my God!

Tie 'em up good.

Come on, Poppy.

Lazlo, they got Rusty.

And everybody too. My Verona!

Quick. That way. Come on.

I saw 'em headed
this way over...

Stay where you are
if you like living.

Hey, Joey, look.
There's our ape.

Ah, if you'll excuse
my saying so, sir,

but it appears to me that you
got something that belongs to us.

I won't excuse you,
and you are mistaken.

I mean, whoever you are,
I wouldn't do that if I was you.

Yeah, whoever you are,
I wouldn't do that if I was you.

Ooh. Hey, uh, look.

You know,
it just occurred to me.

Maybe we could make
a deal or somethin'.

Yes, maybe we could make a deal.

Listen, Joey, why don't we give 'em the
damn ape back and let's get out of here

before anything happens to us.

Stop the machine. Stop the monkey.
Stop the monkey? Stop me!

Oh, Mother, what can we do?

Joey!

No, no, no, no. Oh, yeah.

Bad Habit! Bad Habit!

I'm trying!

Don't do that.
Don't do that! Don't do that!

Somebody help us!

Please help!

Banzai!

Rusty!

This is it.

Uh-oh. Tiga, Rusty, Poppy! Hey!

Haven't you learned by now, silly?
They're gonna be fine.

Fine. Oh, fine.

Tiga! CYNTHIA: Rusty!

- Poppy!
- Rusty! Poppy! Tiga!

♪ One-way street
and I'm halfway down it

♪ Lookin' for an exit
but I ain't found it

♪ Lookin' for another way to go

♪ One-way street where
my luck got boosted

♪ It should've got better
Instead it got worse

♪ There's gotta be
a better way to go

♪ Gettin' me nowhere
gettin' me down

♪ Gotta find how
to get outta this town

♪ Goin' in circles ain't
no way of gettin' around

♪ One-way street
I want a four-lane highway

♪ No going your way
gotta go my way

♪ Gotta find
a better way to go ♪