Going Ape! (1981) - full transcript

Ladies and gentlemen,

if I may have your attention.

The beloved founder

of the flying Sabatinis,

formerly of the famed

Fantastic Sabatinis,

and originator

of six Sabatinis of his own,

in this, his last performance.

"Dry your eyes.

"No man minds

if a beautiful girl.

"Wipes off her tears

with his shirt."

"Today it is my last wish.

"That you all remember me,

Max Sabatini,

"as I lived."

"And not as I died."

Damn.

Oops, I'm late.

"So, in this, my symbolic

final trip across the wire,

"Lazlo, my loyal friend

and protege,"

"shall perform

for Max Sabatini."

"When a mother calls her son

"a bastard,"

"you can take her word for it."

Foster, Max told me to

give you this note. Now?

He said, "At the grave." RINGMASTER: "I

learned this as a young man from my father,

"who learned it from his

father before him,"

"who learned it from

his father before that."

"Foster, the plaid sports jacket

would've been much better. Love, Max."

"Always remember,

God gives one."

"A leather bottle full of gold.

"The devil gives a golden bottle"

"full of shit."

"Love, Max"

Oh.

You've been called here today to hear the

last will and testament of Max Sabatini,

your father,

your dear friend and mine.

Now, are there any questions

at all before I begin?

Just get on with it, Jules.

"Sad as I am to disband

the Sabatini circus,

"the money from its sale

is to be divided

"between my daughters

and you, all my dear friends,

"for my only son Foster

chose long ago

"to abandon the circus

of his father,"

"and his father's father,

and his father's father."

Oh, for Christ's sake, Jules,

could you just get on with it?

"So, trusting that once burned,

Foster will find it in his heart

"to not let me down in my grave,"

"I am entrusting him with my

three most valuable possessions."

What? To him?

What? Oh, I can't believe it!

"Foster,

my beloved son and heir,

"I leave my three babies."

"Rusty, Tiga and Poppy."

"Most

valuable possessions!"

The apes? What am I supposed

to do with the apes?

Open your own circus!

Please, a little respect.

"To assure Foster's being

able to care for my babies,

"Lazlo shall go with him."

Lazlo?

"An annual stipend shall cover

any and all expenses incurred."

- Ever seen those apes...

- Poop?

"To my trusted attorney,

Jules Cohen,

"Foster will periodically

receive my instructions.

"As to the details

of this bequest,"

"and for his caring and loving

them as I have for two full years."

I give him two minutes!

Oh, terrific. Look, Jules,

I don't want the filthy beasts.

"I know he will

love them as I have."

"I therefore bequeath my only

son Foster my entire estate."

"Of $5,000,000!"

He did it to get even.

He never forgave me for leaving the circus.

Did I ever tell you about the times as a

child he carried me up on the wire with him?

He used to drop me into the net.

The first time he didn't

tell me there was a net.

I never thought Max

was a cruel man.

Oh, to him it

was all a big joke!

All the Sabatinis dropped

their kids from three stories.

His father and his father's father.

Hey, be careful.

Don't mix up the Babe splinters

with ones from the cross.

You mean it matters? Very funny.

Foster, listen,

maybe if you just talked to your sisters,

you could work out some

sort of exchange with them.

Are you kidding? They'd be so happy to

see me buried up to my neck in camel caca.

Foster.

What are you gonna

do about the orangutans?

I know what you're thinking.

That I have no integrity because

I dropped out of two colleges.

Three.

And you believe I'm undependable

and cheap and can't hold down a job.

Admit it.

But I don't need

Max Sabatini's money.

I mean, It's not as though I don't

have a going business right here.

I've been happy

without sick love maxims,

without the circus

and without Max Sabatini.

Would you give me a hand

with this desk?

Desk? Gotta make room

for them goddamn cages.

Tiga! Tiga, I gotta get you

past Zabrowski's, so cool it.

Tiga, he's gonna hear you.

Please, shh!

What's doing with all the

clumping and banging. Goddamnit.

Ah, Mr. Zabrowski!

All's well, Mr. Zabrowski! Everything's fine.

It's just a little heavy.

I suppose you want some help.

Ah, no. Uh, no, uh...

Everything's under control.

I won't need any help.

I can do it just fine myself.

All is well, Mr. Zabrowski.

Yeah? What's in the box?

Ah Antiques! My father,

he sent me some very valuable antiques.

Fragile. Antiques?

They've been in

the family for years.

They stink!

Yeah, well, they're very old.

I hope you'll be happy, Foster.

Will you stop? I told you,

it'll just be until I can figure a

way to change Max's will a little.

Call me someday

and tell me about it.

I'll send a cab for my things.

Won't you just stay

and meet them?

Sure, why not? I'm a good sport.

Great! Which one

do you wanna meet first?

Aren't they all the same?

Oh, no way.

You're gonna love 'em.

Okay, Rusty,

come on out, little guy.

This is Rusty. He's the male.

There're three of them?

No, the others are bigger.

Tiga!

Tiga, meet Cynthia.

Pleased to meet you.

Tiga, please! Meet Cynthia!

Go on, get outta here.

Hey, okay. Cynthia, meet Poppy.

This is Poppy.

Poppy, meet Cynthia.

Poppy, meet Cynthia!

Thanks.

Don't tell me they can write!

No, I think it's from Jules.

Eeek!

It's from Max!

Max is dead.

I told you he'd haunt me.

Well, read it!

It says not to read it

in front of...

In front of what?

In front of them.

Come on now!

"The chicken of love has often

crawled from the egg of pity.

"Now you have my babies.

Will you take them as I have

"with generosity,

love and affection?

"Be advised that if for any

reason any of the orangutans

"should get sick or,

God forbid, die,

"you'll forfeit the inheritance

and the entire five million

"will go to

the zoological society,

"who have promised to house

and feed the survivors,"

"and then when they pass on,

to stuff them."

Poppy?

Hey, what are you guys doing?

Watch out!

Nobody's gonna stuff you!

Foster, stop them!

- Help! Foster!

- I'm gonna kill you guys!

No, I mean I'm not!

Oh!

Poppy! Tiga, no!

Tiga! Damn it, stop it!

- Cut it out!

- Oh, my God!

Cynthia, wait!

Cynthia!

"If you don't close the door in the

evening, you can't open it in the morning.

"Love, Max-a."

We have to decide what to do

about the Sabatini legacy.

What's there to decide?

We don't get one penny

unless Max Sabatini's son

fails to fulfill his duties.

And from what I understand is...

Only one of the damn beasts has to

die for him to lose the five million.

Are you sure?

How's their health?

Disgustingly excellent.

Sabatini fed them with, um...

Uh, uh...

On. Fed them on organic bananas.

Well, you can always have them,

you know, bumped off.

Brandon, how dare you?

How could you suggest

such a thing?

The walls have ears.

What Gridley's saying is

"Don't talk about it, do it!"

"Do it?"

Do "it"!

Well... "It" costs money.

Jesus Christ!

Hey, listen, Tiga,

you gotta understand something.

There are moments a person

needs to himself around here.

You hear that?

This room's off-limits

to you guys.

Okay, where's

the rest of the zoo?

Everybody up.

Uh-uh, no way. There will be

no walks until after breakfast.

I haven't even had my coffee yet.

No! "N" "O", no!

Poppy, that's not for you.

I haven't read...

Hey, listen, if you guys are gonna live

here, you're gonna have to learn a few rules.

Poppy? Poppy, I said...

Who turned off the coffee?

Tiga, I like coffee. I drink coffee.

And I don't care

what Max does... Did.

Rusty, get up!

Come on, damn it.

I'm in no mood.

Rusty?

Lazlo? Lazlo?

Damn it.

Oh, no!

Let's see.

Rusty!

It's me!

Why did you lock the door?

I didn't want any drafts.

Thank God you're here.

You would not believe... Foster.

I told you I need some time alone and away.

You promised!

I know I promised,

but this is an emergency!

Did you see Zabrowski out there?

No. Foster, the man lives here.

You're gonna have to tell him.

You can't hide this

zoo for two years.

I'll tell him, I'll tell him.

When the time is right.

We're in trouble.

His temperature's 117 degrees.

Foster, that's impossible!

He'd be dead! Shh.

They're very suggestible.

Foster, they're animals!

Ah, Rusty.

His temperature just hit 135 degrees.

Should we bury him now?

What? Foster, I hate to tell

you, but Rusty is a fake.

Now see what you've done?

I told you

he was very suggestible.

Besides, you haven't even

heard him sneeze yet.

There, you see?

Did you bring the chicken soup?

I wasn't sure whether he

wanted matzo balls or kreplach,

so I brought both.

No, no, I'll take both.

Excuse me a minute.

My good boy, Rusty!

See? Isn't it fantastic what

a little chicken soup will do?

I told you,

I don't care how much money you got.

I ain't interested.

I don't do that no more.

We don't do it no more.

I'm telling you,

it ain't the same thing.

These ain't people.

They're apes!

I got eight years for the

last gorilla I robbed.

Hey, Joey, how you eatin', huh?

Oh, I'm eatin' good.

Look at the calamari. Delicious!

No, I mean how

you payin' your bills?

Mmm.

I got friends.

They owe me favors. You know what I mean?

You know what I mean?

All right, look.

I'll make it 3,000 all right?

Pass me the butter.

Hey, you know,

$3,000 is a lot of money, huh, Joe?

Bad Habit, huh?

Listen, goddamn it. I'm telling you,

it's a cakewalk! I could do it myself!

Yeah? Then why don't you?

Yeah, why don't you?

I'll make it 5,000.

But you gotta do it with us.

You got to do it with us, that's right.

All right.

I will. But you can't

tell nobody, right?

Salute.

Yeah. Salute.

For the life of me, Cynthia,

I don't understand

what you see in him.

After all the private schools your father

and I sent you to, you wind up with...

I haven't wound up with anyone.

I wound down. I moved out.

Then why does my Dali sketch

still hanging in his apartment?

Because I forgot it. And to be

honest, I don't really wanna go back.

My third husband

gave me that sketch.

And I'm not leaving it to be

destroyed by those beasts.

They're never

left alone, Mother.

Besides, he's got Lazlo.

What's a Lazlo?

He came with the apes.

Hey, Cynthia, you going up to Foster's?

Oh, hi, Marvin. Yeah.

Would you mind taking a couple things

up with you? I'm really running late.

Sure.

Thanks a bunch!

You're welcome.

Oh, by the way, the apes?

Don't say anything you don't want them

to hear. They understand everything.

Great! Maybe somebody in this

apartment can get a decent job.

"There is no woman

without some hardness,

"and no man

without some softness."

"Love Max-a."

Will you take care of Tiga?

It's great to see you.

Foster, this is Fiona.

Shh! From now on, ring twice.

Two short, one long.

Just out of curiosity, why?

How do you do, Mrs.

Goodwin? I'm Foster.

I wasn't sure.

Uh...

It's Tiga. She's...

She's still learning

to deal with you.

To deal with me?

Yeah, well, she's...

There's only one way to say it, Cynthia.

She's jealous.

Well, you just tell her that I

don't want anything she wants.

I moved out. I hate fruit.

And I never use sawdust for my toilet!

This is for you.

Anything else we

should know about?

You know, now that

you mention it, um,

the wicker chair

near the window?

Poppy likes to sit in it.

So don't sit in the wicker

chair while she's in it, right?

No. Ever. Ever?

Ever.

We gotta walk around here

like we belong here.

The secret of this is to

act, uh, inscapicuous.

I know that. Me too.

Ah, what did you do?

What the hell is that?

Hey, don't break my shoes,

huh? I'm a professional.

I do my homework.

Yeah, we do our homework.

Yo!

Off the scaffold!

Yeah?

Suntan lotion.

On what basis does she

select the books she wants?

Never mind.

They're quite likeable once you

get to know their idiosyncrasies.

No, no.

Just let her get to know you.

If you speak to her firmly,

she'll respond, Mrs. Goodwin.

Firmly. If you so much as touch this

hat again, you bowlegged baboon,

I'll kick your

hairy ass crimson.

Shut your furry face!

See?

Hey, Habit, start painting, huh?

Yeah, I know I'm gonna paint.

We'll be off this

thing in a minute.

Hey. What the hell

is that thing?

Will you stop breakin' my chops, huh?

Go to work.

I'm concentrating.

It's a periscope, dope. Great.

I got one.

This is fantastic.

This is buck soup!

Attaboy.

Now just don't move now.

Let me look.

What's there to look?

You told me any monkey.

I wanna look!

Oh, my!

Lazlo!

What, are you crazy?

You're about to kill a lady!

How can you tell the sex from over here?

It's a lady, dummy.

A stacked lady.

She didn't look so stacked to me.

Fiona? Fiona, please.

The chair, remember?

Gimme this thing over here.

I say we shoot this one.

Wait! No! Joey, I'm tellin'

ya, that ain't no monkey!

Yeah? Well,

if that ain't no monkey,

then I'm a purple-ass baboon, yeah?

What?

Because that thing's got hair all over it.

No, wait, let me...

Ah... Tell you what, Joey,

I'll look through this thing,

and when I tell you to shoot,

you come shoot, okay?

No! Hey, I'm a

professional here.

Either you trust me

or you don't trust me.

Look, now get outta my way.

Trust is one thing.

But I'm not gonna be caught up in any

damn murder conspiracy, you understand?

Hey, hey. Whoa.

Come on, guys, cool it now.

You're messin' up my whole job.

I have to hold on

to you, I can't hold on!

Oh!

Don't let go, Joey! I gotcha, I gotcha!

Let go. Let go. Let go.

What, are you crazy?

Help, help! Joey!

Give me a hand over here.

Give me a hand. I can't hold you!

Oh, no!

You remembered the ring.

Terrific. What's the surprise?

I made veal piccata.

That's the surprise?

Hey, wait a minute!

You don't give a person a chance.

I mean, I thought we could

do this kinda nice, you know.

After dinner and stuff.

Oh.

Okay, dinner's over.

What's the surprise?

Don't let anyone ever kid you.

You're no romantic.

That's right.

What's the surprise?

Well, I wanted to do it first,

and then tell you about it.

But if you gotta know...

I gotta know.

I'm gonna talk to Jules.

- Max's lawyer?

- Yeah.

I'm gonna offer him a million

bucks to change the will.

To say that he found

some hidden envelope

that says Max changed his mind

and that I don't have to keep the...

Wait a minute.

You're gonna try to bribe Max's

loyal best friend and attorney?

That's your surprise?

Why not?

A million bucks ain't

exactly chicken feed.

Foster, that's illegal!

You could go to jail! Who would know?

I mean, the man's human.

And you're crazy!

My mother was right,

and she does love to be right.

Hey, wait a minute.

I thought you'd be surprised.

It's funny, Foster.

I must be crazy, too, 'cause you know what?

I am surprised!

You know, I really can't

believe her, Poppy.

I mean, all she sees

is her own reality.

I don't think it's that

hard to understand.

You'd understand, wouldn't you?

I even made veal piccata.

It's delicious! Try it.

Good, huh?

Morning, Lazlo.

How was the movie? Oh, Foster...

Never mind.

Forget it, forget it.

That girl. Three years of my life.

Who would've believed it?

An Italian love story? I get it.

Will you pick that crap up now?

No, no, no.

What?

Lazlo, what's wrong?

The "gramp"!

The "gramp" in my sword!

Will you stop it?

"Verona!"

Is fruit head.

Verona!

Huh?

Fruit...

You mean Cynthia's mother, Fiona?

Ah!

"The girls have more respect

"for the ugliest bull

"than the handsomest ox."

"Love Max-a."

Hey! Nobody said

you could do that.

Poppy, will you shut that off?

Poppy, cool it!

Hey, Lazlo,

what's she looking at?

What the hell's

the matter with you?

It's just hair, a little hair.

It's a hair.

Oh, Christ. So she was here.

Look, damn it, she's a good friend.

Will you shut that off?

I said off!

Lazlo. Lazlo!

Lazlo, do something!

Mother, I thought

you'd be ready.

I wanted to practice

a few more kicks!

You're already a brown belt.

Aren't you getting a bit carried away?

Read the newspapers.

I'm a black belt.

Oh, congratulations.

How's P.T. Barnum? Have they climbed

the Empire State Building yet?

Mother, I may not like Foster very

much at the moment, but I do love him.

If you ever get to know him,

you might love him too.

Like a boa constrictor

loves a mongoose.

I think that's a cobra.

You see, poison!

He wants me to dye my hair red.

Damn!

Hand me a wrench.

I'm getting tired

of these hassles.

Sneaking by Zabrowski's

apartment like he's the warden.

I mean, it's degrading.

No more sneaking!

Worse than Zabrowski,

Cynthia doesn't understand,

she's still pissed.

And over nothing.

Pissed! Just because I asked

her to dye her hair red.

Holy shit!

Foster. Foster, Cindy.

Will you cut the crap?

Between your movies and Max's...

Cynthia! Something special.

Tall cost.

Buy.

You mean, buy her something!

No bread without yeast.

Ah. Aren't they exquisite?

It's truly beautiful here. Yeah.

I didn't wanna go to the park.

Oh?

It's too close to the zoo.

I loved the sushi. Yeah?

Me too.

Cynthia,

I wish you'd reconsider

moving back in.

You just got me to walk back in.

Don't push it.

You know, uh, I made a decision.

Yeah? Yeah.

I'm gonna do something. I am.

It's just gonna take a

little longer to pull it off.

Honest? Honest.

Legal?

I want you to know I think you've been

pretty terrific through this whole thing.

I know it hasn't been any fun.

I haven't done much.

But you have, really!

It hasn't gone

unappreciated either.

I think you've been

really terrific.

Anyway,

I want you...

I want you to have this.

Foster, they're elegant!

They're real antiques.

Thank you!

Must've cost a fortune.

Thank you.

Hey, you sure this is gonna work?

It'll work!

Because I'm gonna damn well

make sure that it works.

Yeah, well, it better. I just got the

word that we're runnin' out of time.

Oh, yeah? I thought you told me that you

said you didn't want no one to get hurt.

Yeah, thought you said you

didn't want nobody to get hurt.

That was before.

Remember now,

it's the first door next to the apes.

Wait a minute.

You might not need those.

You ready? Yeah.

Well, come in!

So, you've come! How wonderful!

Just as he said

you would. Welcome!

Welcome!

I think we interrupted something.

Oh, no, you didn't.

Cameroon said, "Three angels in

white shall appear before you."

Cameroon? My guide.

My Indian guide.

But you must know him.

He comes from whence you come.

We don't come from Whence.

We just came from

the freight elevator.

There was no Indian. Ooh!

Look, lady, what I want...

The angels in white.

We ain't no angels.

Careful! Don't touch anything!

We don't wanna leave any prints.

Listen, I don't like

the feel of this place.

I don't care what you like.

Get your ass in gear.

When these tanks blow,

them monkeys gonna be nothin' but a memory.

Yeah, "Tanks for the

memory."

You see? I told you it wouldn't

take long before they'd get to you.

Oh, I just can't bear

to see any child suffer.

Don't you think you better get down

from there? I mean, these floors are...

Naw, it's great. Come on up.

Thank God for the horse races.

Imagine, a whole day

without Zabrowski.

Sooner or later

Zabrowski's gotta find out.

Why not just go to

him and explain?

Are you crazy? He just gave D'Angelo

upstairs a warning for two goldfish.

And you can't even

smell goldfish crap.

You mean Tiga the queen

does that kind of thing?

Shh. Not so loud.

She'll hear you.

There's somebody lookin' at me.

Who?

I don't know,

but they got brown eyes.

Joey! Joey!

Joey. Joey!

Stop playing around

and give me a hand.

Whew!

Are you sure this gas

is gonna ignite?

What? Are you sure the

gas is gonna ignite?

Of course.

This time I didn't

leave nothin' to chance.

Bad Habit stole this here

from his mother's dentist.

Takin' two of 'em were his idea.

Yeah, it was my idea.

Double your pleasure.

He

got a splinter in his thumb, huh?

He got it from your desk.

My desk?

Wait. Uh, uh...

When the mouse eats the flower,

he leaves his crap in the sack.

Ah! Crap in the sack.

Look. Tiga's out.

- I thought you locked her up.

- I did.

Will she be all right?

I mean, am I safe?

If you choose to laugh at

her, she may try to kill you.

Look what

she's wearing!

- It looks just like my earrings.

- Geez, the earrings.

It was a set.

You gave her the necklace?

Yeah, she wanted the earrings too,

but I told her they were for you.

Ah!

All right!

Cynthia!

You. You!

Ah!

Lazlo, do something.

Ah!

Ow! That was my elbow!

Ah!

Cynthia...

You don't wanna do that, baby.

Okay, that's one down.

Let's get the other hooked up quick.

Bad Habit,

check the hose for kinks.

Okay, just shove it right back

in there. One more and we're home free.

One more and we're home free?

Get her!

I'm finally having my party!

Get her!

I'm finally having

my party!

- Joey, the girl!

- I got it! I got it!

Cameroon, help me.

Quick,

light the goddamn fuse.

Let's get the hell out of here!

- Who's got the lighter?

- Give it to me.

I said, give it to me. You have

screwed things up for the last time.

What do you mean

I shouldn't worry, Jules?

Somebody just tried to

blow us into next Tuesday.

Hey, you wanna know

why Max lived so long?

He never went crazy like you.

You don't have to be crazy

to get blown up, Jules.

Now, how can you

take this so calm?

I get paid to be calm.

Now just what is it

you're asking me?

I'm asking who the hell

it could be and why?

And I'm telling you, it could be nobody.

The police disagree.

Oh, hey. In my business,

I've seen the police overreact before.

Now, look. Take it easy,

go to a movie and forget about it.

Damn it, Tiga!

Now, listen, Jules,

I'm telling you...

Tiga, would you...

Give me that back!

Damn it! Stop playing around!

Hope you're happy.

You successfully destroyed the only true

relationship I've been able to sustain.

Why'd you have to flaunt the goddamn

necklace, anyway? Lazlo, hand me that rag.

Thanks.

Who is it?

Get out of here.

It's me, Zabrowski. Open up.

Okay, the party's over.

These are the police.

Where are they?

Where are who?

Oh, you wanna be cute, huh?

"No man hates his nose

so much to bite it off."

Love Max-a! Shut up!

Tiga? Poppy? Rusty?

Come, come, come.

Poppy?

You know them?

You know, you ain't too bright.

Max was right when he said you

need somebody to look after you.

Max? You knew Max? You knew Max?

Quiet, Lazlo.

May he rest in peace. FOSTER: Why

didn't you tell me about it, goddamn it?

You had me sneakin' around here...

Goddamn sneakin'!

Ah!

Max arranged for you

to keep the apes.

When all is well at the end of two years,

Zabrowski gets to keep the building.

Max bought you the building?

These guys are gonna look after you.

Goddamn sneakin'!

Lazlo, will you...

"The horse does not lift

his tail without good reason."

I said you were taking your life

in your hands when you went back!

Forget the bomb!

That monkey might have killed you!

I only went back because Foster

said he'd made a decision.

Tiga's merely jealous,

not homicidal.

That just means she

hasn't killed anybody yet.

If I thought she was going to get violent,

I would have simply given her the earrings.

What? You mean you didn't shove

those earrings up his banana stalk?

No. Why? They're mine.

I want them.

Boy, are you dumb!

No wonder he shares you with an ape.

All right, I'm dumb.

Mother, I love him.

What can I do?

Will you listen to me for once?

I mean, I didn't

bury five husbands

because I didn't know

how to land one.

It was keeping them alive

afterwards that was the problem.

If you really love him,

there's a lot you can do.

Will you let me help? All right.

As long as you don't

do anything drastic.

Drastic to Foster is anything

that would cost him $2.

The first thing we do is

give the damn earrings back.

But why? Because, dummy!

You've got too much pride.

Yes? You blew it again!

I told you how long

you had, Gridley.

And your time is just about up.

You don't sound very good.

Never mind how I sound!

Yes, I understand.

It was a mistake.

I won't, uh, uh... I shan't...

Yes, shan't make one again.

There's still time.

This time I will

make sure personally.

This time I will

make sure personally!

So I ask myself,

"Why is it so important for Brandon

to knock off a monkey, huh?"

So I did a little checkin' on my own.

So why, already?

These are not

your ordinary monkeys.

Tell me about it.

We're lucky to be alive.

That's not what I mean!

These monkeys are worth five million

bucks to the guy who's got 'em.

That's if he can keep 'em from croakin'.

And if he can't?

If he can't,

they get stuffed and he gets...

For what? For what?

For snot, stupid!

It's worth five Gs to Brandon

just to knock one of them off.

They can't give you the

chair for killing a monkey.

That's not it!

Listen to me.

If it's worth five Gs to

Brandon to bump a baboon,

what do you figure it's worth to

the chump to get one of 'em back?

One back? You mean...

How are we gonna

kidnap a monkey?

Get back here!

Heh-heh.

Somebody's in there. Who?

I don't know.

We'll rush in together. Come on.

You ready? Yeah.

One, two, three!

Listen. What do we do now?

We pick one, do it and split.

Just like we planned.

That one seems to like you.

Yeah.

Let's take that one then. No.

That's the one we don't want.

Try kissing that one.

Maybe you'll like her better.

Ohh!

Okay, okay. Then you choose.

We'll take that one.

That one? How come?

'Cause I like her eyes.

'Cause that's the one we want, stupid!

Now go get her.

Me? Wait a minute. Why me? Yeah.

Go ahead. But why me?

Look! They're harmless. Eh?

Being so intimate with them

already, why don't you go get her?

How come if anybody wants to

get anything done around here,

he's gotta do it hisself, huh?

One punch and she's mine.

I thought you said one punch

and she was yours. Shut up!

Take care of the box.

Ah.

Hey, I read this.

It's not a bad story.

Did you get to the part about the funeral?

Good.

I tell you, this book

is one of my favorites.

You know the part about the girl

where she says she won't want

to be treated like a whore?

What's the matter?

Did I say something wrong?

Oh. Anyway, in a couple of chapters

she gets back to her boyfriend,

who's been lying to her and everybody else.

What do you think about him?

Oh, yeah. I won't tell you how she does

it 'cause I don't wanna ruin it for you.

Oh, yeah. One other thing.

Don't get fooled by the mother's sweet talk.

Because at the end, that old lady,

she turns out to be a real barracuda.

Joey, where are you?

Would you like a six-pack to go?

Axe murderer.

This isn't an apartment

house, it's an asylum.

Now, remember, let me

do the talking.

All right! All right.

All right, all right!

Comin'.

I'm comin'.

Comin'.

What'd you do to him?

We didn't do anything. We just got here.

Are the apes okay? Of course.

Tiga, Rusty, Poppy?

Come on out. Come here. Poppy?

Come on, Poppy.

I'm don't feel like playing any games.

Poppy? Pop?

She's gone.

Could she be with Lazlo?

No. Lazlo went to the movies.

What am I gonna do?

What could have happened to Poppy?

The policeman! That crate!

No. No, why would a policeman...

He's in on it!

The one in the hallway. But...

But he's unconscious.

The perfect alibi.

Uh-oh. He's coming to.

What shall we do?

Hai-ya!

Are you nuts? Would you prefer

I tell him a bedtime story?

Where can we put him? I know.

Come on. Come on. Oh!

Hold it.

Come on. Okay.

We gotta get Poppy.

Oh, it's just a couple

of firemen.

Wait a minute.

When was the last time a fire

captain knocked at your door?

They're firemen.

The explosion, remember? Maybe they...

And maybe that was only a

policeman with a crate, right?

What can we do? Mr. Sabatini?

Tell 'em to wait a minute.

This is

what we're gonna do.

Yes, gentlemen?

Okay, where are they?

Who? Who are you?

You don't have to worry about that.

Where are the apes?

They're gone.

The police took 'em. Find them.

But they... Find them!

The four of you move over

to the window.

A-ha! I got one!

Wait!

We better

take him with us.

Now, don't anyone...

Uh, anybody move

for 10 minutes, understand?

Tiga!

Come on. When they shoot that cop,

they'll be back. There may be more of them.

I can't believe how many lunatics

there are running around.

Oh, I don't know. How many original

slivers of Babe Ruth's cross have you sold?

Very funny.

Hey, I think we should split up.

No. No. Better we

stay close together.

I'll take Rusty and Poppy

and circle the block.

Meet us out in front

with Tiga in five minutes.

Then we'll rendezvous

at the hospital.

Got you. Rendezvous?

Hmm?

Come on. We're gonna

take the stairs.

Come on. We'll take the stairs.

Jules, what are you doing here?

I came to see you.

You don't sound very good, Jules.

Never mind how I sound.

Come on. You won't believe what's

been happening. Yeah? Try me.

By the way,

where's your police protection? Ha!

Quiet, Tiga.

Geez, Jules, you know, she really hates you.

To hell with her!

She's a baboon, not Princess Grace.

She's an orangutan.

Max said you loved them.

Hey, Jules, we're in trouble.

Hey, Jules, you?

Naw, come on.

You're Max's dearest.

Come on, Jules. Don't do it. You can

have the money, all of it. I swear it.

Just don't hurt Tiga.

Sorry, kid.

Please!

Keep the money.

Just leave us alone.

Do it for Max. Max-schmax!

Lazlo! Lazlo!

Get some stuff. Hurry up.

Bring it over here.

Come on, Lazlo, hurry up.

Come on, Lazlo. Come on!

Hurry up. Come on,

move this stuff. Hurry up!

Get me the phone.

Hurry up. The phone!

Tiga, get the phone.

Thanks.

Sheesh.

Lazlo, Tiga.

You think you guys

can get over there?

All right. Come on.

Go ahead, Tiga.

Gimme some room.

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Oh!

Oh!

Look at the monkey.

Foster! Make the

wriggling. Come!

If you're watching, Max,

this is all your fault.

For God's sake, do something.

Come, Foster. Come.

Hey. Come here.

Help me with this.

Out the window.

Got it? Good.

This is it! We got 'em now!

Move aside.

Oh, shoot!

Hey, Bad Habit. Yeah?

I thought you said

you got the ape.

It was a piece of cake.

A piece of cake, huh? Yeah.

Then who's that?

Mother, look out! Those police!

It is the ape, you asshole!

Foster. Foster.

Keep your eyes open for Fiona.

Ah, Verona.

There she is! Get 'em!

At least they're not shootin' at us.

Foster!

Foster, you dumbass son of a

bitch, get out of here.

What're you trying

to do, kill us?

When hot lead flies,

if you don't wait for stop signs.

Those goons are packing heaters!

Stay down, Tiga!

Mother, look!

It's Lazlo!

Fiona!

Follow me to the hospital.

To the ends of the earth, my pussy willow!

Think that lock's strong enough

to hold a monkey? Why not?

It was obviously made to hold the beasts.

Drive faster.

Blow out! Damn!

No. It ain't us. We're okay.

Look out!

Good gracious! Step on it!

Who's shooting at us? I don't know.

Just get out of here, damn it.

Maybe he hit the monkey. Great.

Gridley, the guy shooting at us?

Yes?

It is the monkey.

Hey, Joey, you ain't drivin' so good.

Shut up!

Come on. Look!

We got 'em trapped.

Careful.

Tiga! FOSTER: Hurry up. Quick.

Mrs. Verona, you and me, we can have a date.

You know, legitimate. Huh?

Mmm.

We got 'em. Okay, we got 'em.

Ah!

Fiona, I know a lovely

little Lithuanian restaurant.

With violins.

Okay, okay.

Split up. Lay low but stay close.

Right.

Come on, guys.

Come on, Tiga! Tiga!

Joey! Over here.

Hey!

Dead. Huh?

Dead. Oh, dead. Okay.

Go ahead.

Go on!

Ah! Joey!

Gee! Get me outta here.

Up, Poppy. Poppy, I got you.

Joey!

Get off me!

Dr. Morrow,

please call extension 2-3-1.

Dr. Morrow, extension 2-3-1.

Excuse us. I'm sorry. Certainly.

But please, don't run through the halls.

Hey, Joey! Look! Over there.

Joey. Ooh.

Get going. Let's go!

Take care of those guys

and bring back some rope.

Come on.

Tie 'em up. Make it snappy.

I gotta get out of here.

Come on!

Let's go. Hey!

Get up there.

Oh, stop! FIONA: What are

you going to do? Leave them alone!

Oh, no!

Please, don't hurt him. He's only a baby.

Shut up! He's an ape!

Rusty...

Please! Rusty.

Oh, my God!

Tie 'em up good.

Come on, Poppy.

Lazlo, they got Rusty.

And everybody too. My Verona!

Quick. That way. Come on.

I saw 'em headed

this way over...

Stay where you are

if you like living.

Hey, Joey, look.

There's our ape.

Ah, if you'll excuse

my saying so, sir,

but it appears to me that you

got something that belongs to us.

I won't excuse you,

and you are mistaken.

I mean, whoever you are,

I wouldn't do that if I was you.

Yeah, whoever you are,

I wouldn't do that if I was you.

Ooh. Hey, uh, look.

You know,

it just occurred to me.

Maybe we could make

a deal or somethin'.

Yes, maybe we could make a deal.

Listen, Joey, why don't we give 'em the

damn ape back and let's get out of here

before anything happens to us.

Stop the machine. Stop the monkey.

Stop the monkey? Stop me!

Oh, Mother, what can we do?

Joey!

No, no, no, no. Oh, yeah.

Bad Habit! Bad Habit!

I'm trying!

Don't do that.

Don't do that! Don't do that!

Somebody help us!

Please help!

Banzai!

Rusty!

This is it.

Uh-oh. Tiga, Rusty, Poppy! Hey!

Haven't you learned by now, silly?

They're gonna be fine.

Fine. Oh, fine.

Tiga! CYNTHIA: Rusty!

- Poppy!

- Rusty! Poppy! Tiga!

♪ One-way street

and I'm halfway down it

♪ Lookin' for an exit

but I ain't found it

♪ Lookin' for another way to go

♪ One-way street where

my luck got boosted

♪ It should've got better

Instead it got worse

♪ There's gotta be

a better way to go

♪ Gettin' me nowhere

gettin' me down

♪ Gotta find how

to get outta this town

♪ Goin' in circles ain't

no way of gettin' around

♪ One-way street

I want a four-lane highway

♪ No going your way

gotta go my way

♪ Gotta find

a better way to go ♪