God's Apology (2022) - full transcript

♪ ♪

Bim, guess what?

[gunshot]

[James] That's closure.

Now for season two.

[♪ Cyril Giroux: "II Tuo Respiro"]

♪ ♪

Hello, viewers.

Or should I say buon giorno,

with a little wave of the hand like that,

because that is supposedly
what they do around here.



Yes, I am in Italy,
and I bet when I say that,

none of you go, "OMG, why has
he gone to that hellhole,"

because no one
has ever said that about Italy.

Italy is generally regarded as having

the most enviable lifestyle on the planet.

Now, there are many clichés
and stereotypes

about Italy and the Italians,

apart from the one about
waving your arms around a lot.

Chief amongst them, though, must
be the belief in la dolce vita,

the sweet life, the pursuit
and embrace of simple pleasures

as the bedrock for human fulfillment.

Now, does la dolce vita really exist?

And more importantly, if it does,

can a shabby and slightly
uptight Englishman achieve it?



Well, as I'm sure they must say
on Italian television...

[speaks Italian] Let's find out.

Right, you can get to that
cheesy pre-title bit now.

♪ ♪

Anyone can make a travelogue
with the right ingredients.

How's my helmet?

A dash of jaunty music...

[screeching]

...a bit of national dress...

Have you ever before painted

someone dressed up like a bird?

...and a presenter who knows
his culo from his elbow.

It doesn't amaze you,

but it would've amazed you
if you'd been here then.

What do we know about Italy?

- Viva l'italia!
- [shouting in Italian]

[James] Yes, the hand gestures.

Also, fashionistas, fast cars,

- kicking balls...
- [both oohing]

...and every carbohydrate under the sun.

Nothing can stop pizza.

But I'm going a bit deeper...

[blows raspberry]

...exploring vast rural expanses...

I'm all knackered now and I can't speak.

...and fast-paced cities.

- [horn honking]
- Ooh. [chuckles]

Perfect.

[James] In a bid to uncover...

This is cheese.

...a country of contrasts.

But I actually can't see through this.

Some old bits, some new bits...

This is the place you should come to

if you want to know what's happening

with robots.

- The passionate...
- Yeah!

[chanting in Italian]

...the musical...

[playing off-key]

...and the dramatic.

[speaking Italian] Where is my Panda?

Where size does matter...

Absolutely massive.

...and nothing is left
to the imaginazione.

That one's got a deformed penis.

[Claudia laughs]

So, join me

as I fiddle through the inferno...

That was epic.

...still in peak condition...

Bollocks.

...traveling from sun-drenched Sicily

up through the boot

to the icy north.

It's absolutely gorgeous.

A British sophisticate...

All over my trousers,
all over the poop deck.

...seeking enlightenment...

[speaking Italian] What the dick
do you want!

...and risking his life...

Some bloke kept whipping me with a stick

going "Ooh."

...so that you don't have to.

I hope that was as enjoyable
for you to watch

as it was for me to experience.

But I bet it wasn't.

♪ ♪

[horn honks]

♪ ♪

Now, I'd like to talk to you a little bit

about my car for this adventure,

which is, you'll have
spotted by now, a Fiat Panda.

Not a Cinquecento,
not a Ferrari or a Maserati.

No, it's a Fiat Panda
because the Panda is excellent,

and it is simply part
of the dust of Italy.

I have two principle objectives
for this trip.

The first is to see if I can arrive

at a sort of ten commandments
of being Italian

and living this dolce vita.

But I know one already:
do not drink a cappuccino

after 11:00 a.m.

That is considered very bad form.

My other objective is to not become fat.

♪ ♪

As you may have guessed
from this handy map,

we're starting in Sicily,

known for its lemons, the Mafia

and the Sicilian defense in chess.

Our first port of call
is the capital, Palermo.

And, with over 250 days of sun a year,

Sicily is an absolute gift
for TV and filmmakers.

[thunder crashes]

Buon giorno, io no, uh,
uno... no lo ombrello.

I do not have an umbrella.
This is the weather today.

Today I was going to go into
town and meet my guide Claudia,

um, but it's... we've sort of postponed it

because the impression I get...
again, this may be a cliché...

Sicily, because it's an outdoor society,

is not equipped for rain.

Plus, of course, there will
be no Italian men out

because they'll be worried
about their hair.

And I understand that.

Still, with over 250 days
of sunshine a year,

statistically, the next day should be...

♪ ♪

Palermo city center.

It was the crossroads
of the ancient world.

It's also the crossroads
of the modern one.

And no, not everyone here is a mobster.

Certainly not this one.

Today I am joined by Claudia.

- Buon giorno. Who will be...
- Buon giorno.

...my guide for Sicily.

I'm already waving my arms around a lot.

Uh, al vostro servizio.

- Oh, I am at your service.
- No, I'm at your service.

[James] Over the centuries,

every civilization and its dog
has had a bash at Palermo,

from the ancient Greeks to the Vikings,

the Normans to the Moors,
the butchers, the bakers,

the mosaici makers, even the Italians.

[Claudia] This is the famous Church

of Martorana.

Through the centuries, um,
who's restored the church

decided to add the architectural
style of the era.

[James] I would say
that that end looks Islamic,

that doorway is definitely newer.

- What, 17th century? Maybe.
- [Claudia] Yeah.

This is the most

celebrated church,

and it became the symbol of Palermo.

[James] Originally built
in the 12th century,

this architectural smorgasbord houses

some incredible Byzantine artwork.

But it's easier for a camel
to pass through

the eye of a needle than for a film crew

to observe silence
in a functioning church,

so Claudia and I are going gonzo.

So, we'll have to get a selfie stick.

- Okay.
- And film it...

- Oh.
- ...with the iPhone.

- Other phones are available.
- Great idea.

Okay, there will be a selfie
stick on this stall here.

- I'm absolutely sure of it.
- Okay.

I'll give you a million pounds
if she hasn't got one

- by the time we get there.
- Okay, let's do it.

[James] Ah, here.

- Prego.
- Ah, grazie mille.

[chuckles] Grazie.

[James] Fantastico.

Presenting I mosaici di Martorana,

an original production.

♪ ♪

[James] It's absolutely incredible.

Just the colors are amazing.

Ah!

That is superb.

And Christ actually is on high

because he's at the highest
point of the church,

and looking down on you.

[Claudia] It's all full
of Greek inscriptions.

[James] Jesus gets in a lot of
appearances in here, doesn't he?

[Claudia laughs]

[James] It's a good job
he didn't have an agent.

I bet my camerawork's terrible.

I think we're going
to get thrown out in a minute.

Once reunited with our crew
of supposed professionals,

the next stop
is the city's anarchic heart.

[Claudia] We are in
the famous Piazza Pretoria,

Pretoria Square.

The square is also called
the square of Shame

because of the shameful expenses
the government afforded

to bring the fountain
from Florence to Palermo.

Sadly, it became a symbol
of the bad government.

[James] And that's not
the only reason for its name.

- That one's got a deformed penis.
- [laughs]

[Claudia] Because the nuns were
offended by the naked statues.

This is why, probably, they cut arms

- and parts of their body.
- That explains why

his-his old chap's a bit...

- in a bit of a state.
- [Claudia] Yeah. Yeah.

[James] And why have
they knocked her arms off?

Arms aren't offensive.

Uh, probably because
they were gesturing like that.

- Oh.
- Yeah, so...

[James] The sisters chiseled
her nipples off as well.

So did Michelangelo
give David a very small penis

so that nuns in the next artistic era

- would not be offended by him?
- [Claudia laughs]

[James] Right, that's culture ticked off.

Now we can relax.

Today, Claudia and I are going fishing,

because that's what you do
when you're on holiday.

Actually we probably shouldn't
say when you're on holiday.

That's what you do when you are, uh,

uncovering the secrets of
a really rather complex history

of an island, Sicily,
much of whose fortune

is based on fishing.

That's why we're going fishing.

This is Sciacca, one of the
biggest fishing ports in Sicily.

Our host for our research trip is Matteo.

Here.

- Grazie. [grunts]
- Perfect. Okay.

That was a bit uncool.

Clear aft.

So it's time to set sail

on Sicily's bountiful and
surprisingly turbulent waters.

Since I once hosted
an unsuccessful cooking show,

I plan to knock up
a spot of lunch with our catch.

Uh, situation update: it's quite choppy.

Okay, let's throw some bait?

You're on this? This is...
This is, like, a shrimp.

- [Claudia] It's delicious.
- Do I eat it?

- [laughs] No, no, no, please.
- Non mangiare?

Here comes the big one.

- [both laugh]
- [James] Okay.

Despite the increased risk of sleeping

with the fishes...

I hope I don't just stick it in my finger.

...we bait our hooks and our breath.

Il pesce is on the linea
when it goes "zzz."

Now there's nothing to do but wait

for something to tug on my rod.

Meanwhile, back on terra firma,

the locals are rustling up
a couple of side dishes

to accompany my fishy centerpiece.

Now this just in,

Matteo seemed to have caught something

because his rod was bending,
but apparently,

- he's-he's caught a rock.
- No. Rock.

So we've caught the planet Earth
from our fishing boat so far.

Not sure that'll fit on the grill.

Then, by a miracle for once not
manufactured by television...

- Oh, it is here?
- [Claudia] Fishy, fishy.

- [James] There, there. Fish, fish.
- [Claudia] Fish, fish, fish.

[James] Am I turning it the right way?

He's gone over there somewhere.

Ooh, this is a big fish.
Yeah, it's a big fish, big fish.

It's a battle worthy of Hemingway,

Melville or J.R. Hartley.

It's a proper fish.

- [Matteo] Amberjack.
- Amberjack?

[Claudia] Amberjack.

Is that big enough to eat?

[Claudia] Yes, it's a portion.

We need ten of these.

[James] One down, nine to go.

♪ ♪

- Oh, it's really heavy.
- It's a bit heavy.

The locals are already lining up

in rapturous and ravenous anticipation.

Catch is in.

- [grunts]
- [chuckles]

[James] Come and behold
the fruit of the fecund ocean.

[speaking Italian] Lunch with fish.

Damn!

Beautiful, so wonderful.

There's food for everyone, guys.

There's a lot, there's a lot beneath here.

But this one is beautiful,
it's silver actually.

There's more beneath.

[James] Impressionante.

It's impressive, it's impressive.

- Yes impressive, it's still alive.
- There it is.

Beautiful, beautiful.

Gold and silver, beautiful.

[applause]

[James] Grazie.

Bravo, bravo.

[James] Apparently, one pesky pesce

has sparked quite the celebration.

[lively chatter]

[James] Oh, here comes our fish.

Here's the fish.

- [Claudia] Oh...
- [applause]

Everybody has to have a small piece.

[speaking Italian] When you have caught it
yourself and you eat it...

it is beautiful.

[James] I don't know
if it's all this fresh air,

or that busker on
the mandolin in the background,

but this certainly feels
like la dolce vita to me.

I am absolutely amazed at how
my very piccolo pesce

has turned into this enormous feast.

Something very biblical about that,

and look at all
these new friends I've made.

I am truly a fisher of men.

With our bellies pleasantly
full, it's time to depart.

Or so I thought.

- Oh, is this the pasta course?
- [Claudia] Yes.

There might be a massive steak
after this for all I know.

Actually, there was no massive steak.

There was, however, some ham.

[singing in Italian]

[laughter]

Forgot the words.

[James] Actually, I need
to have a bit of a word with you

about the threat of Italian lunch.

[Claudia] In Sicily,
we have the obsession of food.

We love to share with friends
and-and to show them

our generosity and our hospitality.

So is... if that happens every day,

we'll be the size
of Fiat Pandas, each one of us.

So far, that's religion, culture, sport,

cookery and a warning
about incipient obesity.

The next thing to try,
you've probably already guessed,

is estate agency.

Hello, viewers. Fancy finding you up here,

right at the top of
the Castello Manfredonico,

in the Comune di Mussomeli,

once one of the wealthiest
regions of Sicily.

I'd like to read to you from the handy

English information sheet
that you get when you arrive.

It's rather lovely, actually.

"The architectural completeness
melts with the rock.

Thus the work of man
blooms spontaneously."

Good, isn't it?

I might try blooming
a bit more spontaneously myself.

The castle today, as you can probably see,

is a little bit on the tatty side.

Wait till you see the rest of the town.

[scoffs]

A thriving and wealthy town
in the 16th century,

Mussomeli is now home

to only a few thousand people,

none of whom you can see here.

Depopulation reached
crisis point in the '80s

when locals were even prepared
to move to Surrey in England.

So the mayor came up with a plan.

This is Cinzia.

She is the local estate agent
for the historic town center,

and she's going to show me this house,

which is currently on the market

for one euro.

- One euro.
- [Claudia] One euro.

[James] Wow, look at that.

Now, if I was

a British estate agent, I would say

that this is an ideal first-time property

with numerous period features

in need of sympathetic renovation,

i.e. a bit of a craphole.

But it is a complete house.

It has a roof. It has services.

They're not turned on, so
there's no water or electricity,

which is why we're using the torches,

but they're all here.

Actually, there's a really spooky

sort of medieval bit back here.
Look at this.

[Sean] It's good
'cause you're shining the torch

like it's Blair Witch, mate.

- What do you mean?
- [Sean laughs]

[vocalizes]

Oh, that's quite light.

Some of the wiring looks a bit dodgy,

but it's no worse than the
Alfa Romeo 155, to be honest.

This is very nice.

I mean, whichever way you look
at it, it's a lot for a euro.

Sounds like an offer I can't refuse.

[Cinzia speaking Italian] Maybe because
one euro sounds very attractive.

It's the price of a coffee.

What's the catch?

Cinzia explains

that although the house costs one euro,

the new owner must restore the outside

to an agreed standard within three years

or face a five-grand penalty.

But what's in it for her?

It occurs to me

that the estate agent's commission

on one euro is pretty feeble.

[chuckles] That's about .01 of a euro.

- [laughter]
- [Cinzia speaks Italian]

How do you... How can you
possibly make a living?

Sorry. Scusi. But if we can...

'Cause we've been hearing this. The-the...

Some of these keys are from about 1850.

[Claudia] It costs more than the house.

[James] This is your property empire.

Could be worth as much as 30 euros.

[all laugh]

[conversing in Italian] No, it's a fixed
fee of 490 euros per house.

Now, Dan, you were talking about
how much you would like to buy

- a house around here. You'd like...
- Well, for one euro,

- it'd be stupid not to.
- Yeah, but...

- It can't just be one euro.
- No.

There is a little bit more
involved, but here's the euro,

- in any case.
- Who do I give it to?

- Cinzia?
- Cinzia will take your euro.

I'll take this house.

You have actually bought it, I'm afraid.

- [all laugh]
- Now it's done. It's done.

Yeah.

[James] You have to pay 490 euros

- commission, I'm afraid...
- [Dan] Okay.

...to Cinzia, and you owe me a euro.

[all laugh]

- But you do have a house in Italy.
- [Dan] I'll give you...

[all laugh]

Doppio espresso?

It's that or a semidetached bungalow.

[all laugh]

While Dan busied himself arranging

a buy-to-let mortgage
to pay me back my euro,

I went for a contemplative spin.

And the funny thing about that town is

it is the one-euro town.

So, after we'd looked at the houses,

we went off, and we had
a quick slice of pizza.

And a big slice of pizza was a euro,

and an espresso was a euro.

Everything in the town is a euro.

So it's either a very, very cheap house

or, in reality,
the euro was about £1.2 million.

Now, viewers,

we're 20 minutes into this episode,

- and I haven't really
embarrassed myself yet.
- [lively drumming]

This looks like an opportunity.

This is Ciwara in the
historical center of Palermo,

and, as you might have already guessed,

it's known for its live Afrobeats scene.

I like the sound of this place already.

Hang on.

- Here, there?
- [horn honks]

Yeah, the driving is a little bit random,

but think about
our preconceptions of Sicily.

They're all based on things like films

about the origins of the Mafia

and so on, but it's not. It's this.

It's perfectly modern and multiculti.

And it has una birra, tre birra.

And somewhere over there
is Claudia. I think.

If I go and meet her,
find her, we can have...

spend the rest of the evening,
hours, doing this.

Do you know where she is?

Ah, there she is.

Blissfully unaware that it's time

for some fascinating geopolitical context.

Sicily is the stepping-stone

between Africa and Europe

and has a famously welcoming attitude

to African immigration.

Provided they bring their own instruments.

- Ready? Salute.
- Salute.

[James] But please don't worry
that the old English bloke

with the hips from Thunderbirds
is going to join in the dancing.

Excellent.

These guys are amazing.

[James] Mind you, the company's good,

and the local Sicilian beer is excellent.

There's only one way

I could ruin this perfect moment.

Seeing where this scene was heading,

director Tom rushed in some
locals to act as a human shield.

♪ ♪

- [cheering and applause]
- Bravo!

Spiacente. It won't happen again.

Hey, map fans, guess what?

Yes, we're leaving the west of Sicily

and heading east
through the island's midriff

to Sicily's second largest city,

where I'm going to talk complete bollocks.

Welcome to Catania,

where you join me in Piazza Duomo

and where we are going to address

the elephant in the square, u Liotru.

Now, he's very old.

He is believed to have come
from ancient Rome,

and he is, of course,
the symbol of the city.

He's in shop signs.

The logos of sports club
shields. You can buy

a little lucky trinket of u Liotru

from the street sellers
who are wandering around here.

But now we arrive at some confusion,

because I believed, talking to the locals,

that somehow,
his testicles had been removed

out of modesty,

but this turns out
probably not to be true,

because elsewhere in the town,

there is a statue of a horse
whose testicles were removed

because they offended Saint Agatha,

the patron saint of Sicily. She's up there

in the duomo, on the day of her feast.

And then later, his...
his boys were put back on again.

But that does at least allow me
to talk about Saint Agatha,

who was martyred in the middle
of the third century.

She was stretched on the rack,
torn apart with hooks,

and her breasts were removed with pincers.

But as a result of that, the locals

remember her with these faintly ridiculous

breast-inspired sticky buns.

So, to recap,

the elephant still has his balls.

The horse lost his balls
but got them back again later.

Saint Agatha is long dead,

but at least we get a funny
nipple cake to celebrate her.

And I hope that's all clear,

because now I'm going to go and buy a hat.

I'm really sorry. I've just learned

from someone over in the café

that apparently the horse's
plum sack wasn't removed.

It was merely covered up

for fear of offending Saint Agatha

during her feast day.

Everything else I said there
is broadly correct.

God, this is disgusting.

♪ ♪

Anyway, time to make
a Saint Agatha bun of myself

in the next scene.

Now, obviously, another Italian cliché

is that they all dress impeccably.

So,

in a bid to shake off my scruffy
yet uptight Englishness

and impress Claudia,
I'm going to attempt fashion.

Now, in Italy,

the word for a hat in general
is a cappello,

but in Sicily, they have
a specific type of hat,

a-a flat cap which is called...
wait for it... a coppola.

It's the traditional hat
of Sicily, supposedly,

so let's go in and see

if we can find one big enough
for my simply gigantic head.

♪ ♪

- Buon giorno.
Uh, una coppola, per favore.
- Sì.

Ma io uno molto grande testa.

[clerk] Okay, a very big head.
So big brains. Good.

- [James] E-Exactly, yes.
- [laughter]

- Hey.
- Ah.

[crew exclaims]

- Va bene?
- [clerk] Your eyes is perfect.

- [James] Molto gentile. Grazie.
- [laughs]

If you get the angle right...

I mean, you don't want
to just wear it like that.

That just knocks 50 off your IQ
immediately, doesn't it?

It's fashionable. [laughs]

- Grazie. I will take it.
- [clerk] We got a winner.

♪ ♪

[James] Armed with my coppola

and my magical disappearing bag...

it's time to see what Claudia thinks.

- [laughs]
- Buona sera.

Buona sera.

[laughs] Um...

- Mm. Così così.
- You meant... No.

"Così così." What's "così così"?

Così così. So and so.

So-so. It's perfect
with the color of your eyes.

- But...
- But?

That's okay. It's fine.
If you don't like it,

- you don't like it. That's... Now I know.
- [laughs]

Wow, she must really hate my eyes.

I was particularly disappointed
that Claudia,

of whom I've grown extremely fond,

um, was so dismissive of my coppola.

But I sort of get where she's coming from.

This is a problem I've-I've alluded to

many times in the past. Expensive clothes,

cheap clothes, secondhand clothes...

it doesn't really make
any difference with me.

That, in the window of a shop,

looks quite stylish.

It's interesting.
It's an interesting pattern.

It would probably look good
on you. Lots of other people.

Many members of our crew,
men and women.

You put it on my head...

...and it looks crap.

♪ ♪

After that crushing disappointment,

it's time to lift my spirits.

I'm now heading for a Sicilian landmark

that I should be able to find
without the satnav

or even a paper map.

I should be able to find it
by looking out of the window.

It's quite big.

Sort of triangular in shape

but with a bit missing from the top.

I need my Canadian jacket for this.

And, ironically, a hat.

Buon giorno. Today,

we are three-quarters
of the way up Mount Etna,

Europe's most active volcano.

And that might sound pretty daring,

but actually, if you look over here...

Look. Snack bars, competing

excursions to the summit.
It is a fantastic mountain.

It was the-the forge
of the gods. It looms very large

in the conscience of the people of Sicily,

especially in Catania and Messina,

because every now and then...
February 2021, for example...

it dumps a huge pile of volcanic ash

all over streets and rooftops and cars.

And last time,
it cost half a million euros

to sweep it up.

Anyway, we're going to go
with some scientists

all the way, or almost all the way

to the summit and the crater.

And it's perfectly safe.

Unless it blows up.

♪ ♪

Etna has been erupting on and off

since 475 BCE.

Well, presumably since before then,

but no one bothered to write it down.

So, this is Giuseppe,
who's one of our volcanologists.

And what happens if it goes off?

Recently, it's making
an eruption every month,

so in principle, we are close.

[James] Okay, we're due one,

chaps. I should have,
uh, explained, actually,

that the crew is in the back
of the car for obvious reasons.

They're being remarkably quiet.

- Yeah.
- Um, usually when
they're in the car together,

it's just an absolute
solid wall of moaning.

[chuckles]

I have to say it is looking
a bit smoky, though.

♪ ♪

So, the molten bit of the earth

is a part of the big bang

- that's still going on,
in effect. Isn't it?
- Yeah. Yeah.

[James] And then,
as we continue our ascent

into what appears to be
The Land That Time Forgot,

the crew helpfully pipes up.

Can you still see the road up front?

[James] I can see

that it's a very long way down
on the right,

so I would advise

not looking that way.

In fact, I wish I hadn't.

Well, we're still going up.

We still can't see anything.

♪ ♪

Finally, we arrive at the main crater...

...where it's actually not smoke at all.

Just freezing fog.

Even though I can't feel my face,

I summon my professionalism.

So, finally,

here we are, viewers,
within a few dozen meters

of the gaping main crater of Etna.

Silent, sleeping, but we know,

despite the research

and the reassurances of the scientists,

that at any moment,

that could explode with an enormous crash,

causing the mayor of Catania
to stop at whatever he's doing

and turn around and say,

as the mayor of Pompeii
must have done once,

"What the bloody hell was that?"

Moments before being consumed
by the flow of lava,

the molten core of the earth

wreaking its revenge on civilization

for its arrogance. Just remember that.

Lunch?

♪ ♪

Actually, I need to explain this

to the viewers so that they don't think

we're complete idiots,
but our original plan

was that we'd come up here,
and we'd be able to do

a few simple experiments,

and we'd be able to fly a drone
over the crater

and actually look down into the volcano,

which would have been quite remarkable.

Here is some library footage.

♪ ♪

As a consolation prize
for seeing the square root

of bugger all, Giuseppe gives me

a whistle-stop tour of the office.

Is this some sort of volcano DEFCON?

In some sense.

♪ ♪

[James] Turns out that as well
as being a volcanologist,

Giuseppe's also a keen baker.

When a cake is, uh, is cooking, inflate.

- [James] Yeah.
- [Giuseppe] So,
when the magma is coming up,

the summit of the volcano inflate.

When the eruption start,

- start to deflate.
- Yes.

Like a cake.

[James] The team monitor

how well Etna is baking with 150 sensors

based in and around the crater.

Do you ever wake up
at night thinking, "Shit,

there's a massive volcano
just down the road"?

[Giuseppe] Italy is a leader in the world

- for monitoring active volcanoes.
- [James] Okay.

But because, anyway, you can sit

en-enjoying a glass of wine

- and watching eruptions in a sweet life.
- Exactly.

- La dolce vita. [laughs]
- Glass of wine, watching the eruptions.

So, there's our second Italian
rule. We've arrived at one.

No cappuccino after 11:00 a.m.

Live near a volcano
and just have a glass of wine.

- [Giuseppe] Yes.
- Thank you. That's excellent advice.

Ironically,

Etna blew off a week later,

and Giuseppe has been
molto schifoso ever since.

[laughs]

Which gives me
a rather convenient segue.

I didn't actually appreciate this,

but the slopes of Etna

are ideal terroir for making wine.

Now interestingly in 2001,

Sicilian wine, particularly the wines

grown on the slopes of Etna, were given

global prominence when a vineyard

was bought by Mick Hucknall,

his cantato vineyard.

You know, once he was the frontman

of a very successful
international rock band.

And now he simply makes red.

♪ ♪

I'm afraid that's all
the Simply Red we can afford,

because, well, money's
too tight to mention.

♪ ♪

Anyway, today's Bacchanalian bonanza

is at Barone di Villagrande,

within spewing distance of Etna.

- Buon giorno.
- Buon giorno.

Run by Marco,
a tenth-generation wine-maker

and his partner in vine, Alfonso.

Are people surprised that vines

- grow on a volcano?
- [Marco] Oh, yes.

The soil of the volcano is really special,

was created by lava eruptions,

so eruption on eruption.

But today the soil is very rich,

and the grape is, uh, in the
perfect state of maturity now.

[James] Italy leads the world
in wine production,

and is home to more than 500
varieties of grapes,

over 50 of which are indigenous to Sicily.

More importantly...

What happened
to Mick Hucknall's vineyard?

Uh, it's been sold.

- Oh, really? Oh.
- Yes.

[James] That's a shame.

Probably means I'll never,
never, never know him.

Anyway...

♪ ♪

You join us at a very exciting time.

Claudia and I are about
to take part in the harvest.

How many crates would you pick in a day?

[Marco] About 80.

- 80 in a day?
- Yeah.

[Marco] So you have a lot of work to do.

[James] The vineyard staff

conveniently have the afternoon off.

So, Claudia and I have to do a full shift

before we can enjoy
the fruits of our labors.

But let's just imagine
we've been hard at work

picking grapes...

That'll do.

...and cut straight to the drinking.

Bingo.

Or as the Italians say...

bingo.

This is an Italian wine tasting.

I'm always amazed
that these work on television,

because the only thing you can
appreciate about the wine

is what color it is,
which is generally white

or red or possibly pink.

We will also have some food
because we are in Italy

and we are stationary,
therefore we must be fed.

That is the rules.

We can move onto the first wine.

[Alfonso] The Salina Bianco.

This wine is floral and intense

in taste, especially in the aroma.

[James] Slightly mineral, not too acidic.

Very nice.

For this wine is caramelized onion, uh...

with dried figs and walnuts.

Are you going to try that?

No.

I don't like onions.

- [laughter]
- You don't like onions?

- Yeah.
- Salute.

[Claudia] Prego.

- Buono?
- Mm-hmm.

Now, viewers, I realize

that I'm being incredibly indulgent here,

quaffing fine wines like this one,

which, for the benefit of you at home,

is pink.

The underlying flavor is
like very ripe fruit.

Followed by Sicilian delicacies

that you can't taste.

[Alfonso] Pumpkin mille-feuille, uh...

- with ricotta.
- [James] Mille-feuille ricotta.

- [Claudia] Oh...
- [James] You don't like ricotta?

I don't.

- Are you Italian?
- [Claudia laughs]

[James] Next, for those of you
watching in the 1970s,

this is a white wine.

It's very drinkable, as they say

- in the wine world.
- [Marco] Yeah.

[Alfonso] Because you have
to try it with the pasta.

- Please.
- Please.

Just try.

[Marco] You're acting
like an Italian's mother.

Italians are feeders, aren't they?

- [Marco] Yes!
- They make you eat food.

And finally my favorite
of all the colors...

red.

Silence, please; I would like
to do a proper wine tasting.

This is how you actually do it
if you're taking it seriously.

Not just larking about, so we start...

♪ ♪

Nice.

[laughter]

Omar Khayyam writing in Persia in the...

11th century, I think, said

that you should drink wine
because everything else

was futile because you were
simply going to die.

"The caravan starts
for the dawn of nothing.

Oh, make haste."

And he was right.

Remember, alcohol is God's apology

for making us self-aware.

Thank you for watching.

[laughs]

I love this.

People should simply drink wine.

It was gifted to us

so that we could be at peace.

It was at around this point
that Claudia remembered

we still had 79 crates to fill.

The next day, with Claudia

still working her way
through the final 60 crates,

I'm winding "O sole mio"
to the small hilltop village

of Castelmola.

Now, Italy is widely known
for its glittering contributions

to the world of music,

from Monteverdi and Pavarotti

to Italo disco legend, Gazebo.

But Sicily has its own
mercifully unique contribution.

Now, most English people
would associate the bagpipe

with Scottish expansionism into places

like Leicester Square,
but actually the history

of the instrument is a lot
more complicated than that.

It may have been known in antiquity

to the ancient Greeks.

The bagpipes in Europe

almost certainly made their way here

via Spain for obvious reasons

from the Arab world,
and in the Middle Ages,

the bagpipe was simply one
of many popular folk instruments

that have since fallen
into disuse, like the racket,

the crumhorn, the rebeck, the hurdy gurdy,

the portative organ.

Here in Sicily,
they have a particular strain

of bagpipe called the ciaramedda.

And I'm going to meet a man called Pippo,

who makes them and I'm afraid...

plays them.

The ciaramedda, with its bag

made from sheep or goatskin,

was traditionally used
by farmers to cheer up

the locals as they herded
their livestock around.

[speaking Italian]

"Zambogna" is
the general word for "bagpipe."

Now that's interesting.

Um, how the hell do you play
that without four hands?

Luckily for everyone in the room,

we were about to find out.

[bagpipe playing]

Tragically, the ciaramedda
almost died out completely.

But thankfully, Pippo has
helped keep the instrument alive

by making them for the last

60 years.

Bravissimo, signor.

- Fantastico. Very, very...
- [applause]

I think I like the ciaramedda.

Um, I was trying to work out the fingering

as you were doing that, so...

[vocalizing] ...and that's
the leading note there?

- Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah?

And then, this side, God knows
what you were doing there.

That is virtually impossible
'cause you need two brains.

One to play the recorder

and another one to play the recorder.

Why am I even agreeing to this?
Can I try one with a bag?

Brace yourselves
for the sound of me fingering

some beautifully turned apricot wood

and blowing through an ex-goat.

[playing notes]

That was very briefly Ivor Cutler's

"Oh, you, lemon flower, the leaf is sweet,

but the fruit is sour."
Did anybody get that?

[all] No.

The slightly alarming thing about that

was as the bag deflated,

it smelled faintly of stale vino rosso.

But that might have been
something to do with last night.

[laughter]

So, to play the ciaramedda,

you need four hands, the lungs of a horse,

and to have not drunk
a vineyard dry the day before.

Anyway, token toe-curling bit

ticked off, now I can
enjoy Pippo on his lathe

in his exquisite workshop.

Bella.

While watching a craftsman

create something from nothing
is my cup of chino...

The smell of that wood
being cut off is tremendous.

...director Tom has other ideas...

- [Tom] James?
- Yes.

[Tom] I know you love
the lathe and everything,

but you've got a performance
in about half an hour.

What, my performance?
You mean their performance?

No, you're playing, half
an hour, 12:00 on the square.

Well, I can't possibly play the bagpipes.

[Tom] Yes you can, you'll be fine.

Well, I can't,
I haven't got big enough lungs,

and I don't know the fingering.

For once, I decided to stand firm

and not be made to look foolish

in the name of light entertainment.

♪ ♪

I was overruled.

Robert Fripp, of King Crimson fame,

once said, "Music is the wine
that fills the cup of silence."

Although he might want to revise
that in a couple of minutes.

And, yes, for the avoidance of doubt,

I hate Tom, all right?

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

With the whole band playing
together, it's actually quite

a lovely sound.

So I joined in.

I'm not sure the crowd are into this.

I'm not sure my bandmates are, either.

[crowd clapping]

[James] Bravissimo, bravissimo.

[James] Bravissimo. Grazie, signore.

- Grazie, grazie.
- [applause]

- So, Pippo?
- Yeah?

How am I at ciaramedda?

[speaking Italian]

"This is the best ciaramedda playing

I have ever heard in the whole of Sicily."

- [laughter]
- I translate.

[speaking Italian]

He says bravo to me for my efforts.

And I will be leader of the band
within the next six months.

[speaking Italian]

"I feel sick listening to you
play the ciaramedda."

- [speaks Italian]
- Goodbye and don't ever come back.

- [laughs] Okay.
- Cut.

♪ ♪

There's a bit of a pattern developing

to this show which is that I

go and attempt to do something,
and then afterwards you join me

in the car, we're alone, and I apologize

for having attempted to do it.

I did love Pippo's workshop.

The bits of film we made with me

talking to Pippo and Pippo demonstrating

his lathe and his tools,

that's all gonna go in the bit
in the edit and Tom the director

will put some cheap library
music over some slow motion

shots of sawdust flying about, that's it.

In fact, it's already happened, hasn't it?

I should probably call a truce

on the ongoing battle
with Tom and the producers,

or they'll make me do
something else ridiculous, like

traditional Sicilian child throwing,

or polo in canoes.

Canoe polo is something
I've never even heard of,

to be honest,
and as far as I can make out,

it's like polo, but you play it in canoes.

[whistle blows]

The rules to canoe polo, as shown

by the nail-biting European championships,

are like basketball,

only with greater risk of drowning.

Each team of five passes
the ball by chucking it.

You can't hold onto the ball for more

than five seconds, or you hear a sound

- like this.
- [whistle blows]

Also there's no running, jumping, ducking,

bombing or inflatables.

The team with the most goals wins.

So today, I'm joining
the European champions

- to give their opponents
a sporting chance.
- [whistle blows]

- [James] And they are under 21.
- [instructor] Yes.

- [James] These are all women's teams?
- [instructor] Yeah.

Okay, you know I'm not a woman?

No. [laughs]

[James] Cue the obligatory
costume change...

...into something designed
for a teenage girl

who doesn't have to worry
about certain effects

of the cold.

I hope the helmet's big enough.

Tom has arranged this to humiliate me, sì?

- [Tom] Sì.
- Sì, good.

[both speaking Italian]

- [James] Scusi.
- [instructor] No problem.

So this is like a tutu?

Yeah. [laughs]

- Oh, sorry, can I?
- Yes, of course.

Right, this way.

Which is the front?

Right, let's get this over with.

Now, because we're nearing
the end of the film,

and time is of the essence...

- [whistle blows]
- here are my best bits.

♪ ♪

It won't go straight, Tom.

There's something wrong with it.

Where is the ball?

It's hard to believe
from what you can see here,

but there's actually a match
going on around me.

Bollocks.

Not that it will come as any surprise,

nor will anyone even care...

Ah! Ah! I'm going backwards.

...but my team lost.

Ah! [laughs]

[whistle blowing]

Honestly, it's so exhausting
and they're all 21.

- [groans]
- Yeah, I expected he could have

done much better than this, yeah.

[applause]

[James] Can I just explain
how this show works.

When we say, like,
we went to Japan previously,

this time we decided to come to Italy,

and I said I would like to...

there's lots of art things
I wanted to see,

I wanted to help restore a mosaic,

I wanted to do a bit about cooking,

I wanted to go to the Campagnolo
bicycle components factory,

which I know you would have loved.

To that, they then add
the things they think

it would be funny for me to do:
snowball fighting, canoeing.

The program is Our Man In Italy

and at the beginning it says "James May,"

so I actually, ultimately say what we do

and we're going to a café
for an exchange of gifts

and a doppio espresso and maybe
un bicchieri vino bianco.

- Sì?
- Sì.

That's much more interesting, isn't it,

than watching a twat
flap about in a canoe.

Consider yourselves told, crew.

♪ ♪

The doppio espresso merely
delayed the inevitable,

an awkward goodbye.

- I have a gift for you.
- [James] A gift?

- Yeah, un regalo.
- Un regalo, ooh.

Beautifully wrapped.

Yeah, I did it.

- It's a board game.
- Yeah.

It's a board game about Sicily.
Should we play it?

To see if you know enough about Sicily.

There, that's nice, so there's Palermo,

where we were,
where we went in the square

where the nuns had
destroyed everything and

- chopped the man's penis off.
- [Claudia laughs]

[James] Such a generous offering

deserves something

of equal magnitude in return.

Great deal of thought has gone into this.

Grazie. Oh.

Very personal. And very heartfelt.

- It's your coppola.
- Sì.

- Do I have to wear it?
- Yes.

I think it looks better on you than me.

Let's just get the opinion of the crew.

- No, I don't think so.
- [crew member] Sì.

- Sì?
- [crew member] It's
because she's Italian.

Grazie, James, molto gentile.

That's okay.

[ship horn blows]

[♪ Andre Bocelli: "Con Te Partirò"]

My ferry is impartenza very soon.

I'm really sad.

I'm sad as well.

♪ ♪

- Lovely to meet you.
- Okay.

Seriously, it's been absolutely fabulous

and I don't want this
to be emotional because

we're on television
and it will look inappropriate,

so I'm just gonna... I'm just gonna go.

- Okay, grazie.
- All right.

- Grazie.
- Sicily.

Bye, bye.

Oh, dear.

[♪ Andre Bocelli: "Con Te Partirò"]

♪ ♪

[James] I knew the editor would put

some schmaltzy lovey-dovey
music over this bit.

Just as well, it's the end of the film

and I'll have forgotten
about it by episode two...

that's when I arrive on the mainland.

♪ ♪

[ship horn blows]

♪ ♪