Godmothered (2020) - full transcript

(CHIRPING)

AGNES: Once upon a time,

there was a magical place
called the Motherland,

where Fairy Godmothers lived and learned

all they needed to know
about godmothering.

Oh, blah, blah, blah.

We all know how this bit goes.

This is not your usual fairy tale.

Fairy tales end with "happily ever after,"

and that's where we begin.

AGNES: Good morning, Motherland!



It's almost the weekend,
and you know what that means.

Grab a pumpkin, raise your wands,
break out the glass slippers,

it's time to party like it's 1699.

I'm gonna kick things off
with everyone's favorite pop hit.

(OPERA MUSIC PLAYING)

I'm Agnes. I'm 172 years old at least.

And I'm too cool for school.

It's why they made me the resident DJ,
and I don't have to go to lessons.

But this isn't about me.

This is the story of Eleanor.

She's the Motherland's youngest trainee

and the only person
who's bothered to apply in decades.

All she wanted was to graduate,

to be a real Fairy Godmother,



to have her name in a book
alongside the greats.

That's her in the pink, without any pals.

-(GASPS)
-(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

-Uh-oh, here comes trouble.
-(DOOR OPENING)

This is Moira, the headmistress.

She wrote the book
on Fairy Godmothering, literally.

Let us open our texts, shall we?

AGNES: She's been banging on
about the same old formula for centuries.

Yesterday, we reviewed step one.

AGNES: Oh, you didn't know
there was a formula?

Recite it with me, please.

ALL: A glittery gown
turns a frown upside down.

Ooh! Oh, wow!

-Ooh!
-It's just the same.

Once you've conjured the gown,
you're on your way to step two.

-Which is?
-ALL: Find their true love.

Correct.

Now, once the gown and true love
are in place,

we move on to step three.

Which is?

-ELEANOR: Oh, please?
-Anyone?

-Anybody?
-Oh, I know it.

-You?
-My arm's tired.

-MOIRA: Anyone else?
-Hurts to hold it up.

Literally anyone.

-Oh. Oh, please?
-Yes.

-Happily ever after.
-Correct.

(GIGGLES)

Really? Again with the formula?

-Can we do something different today?
-(GASPS)

(HESITATES) No.
Because we never really do anything.

(ALL CHUCKLE)

Enough!

Enough!

AGNES: And this is where
the problems really started,

because Moira is not
someone you want to cross.

Step three is happily ever after.

-It just happens.
-Yes, it just happens.

It's step three.

If you're confused,
I can be your study buddy.

I'm totally available,
like, anytime, day or night.

MOIRA: There's no reason to be confused.

The formula has been the cornerstone
of Fairy Godmothering since it began

because it works.

If it works,

then why is everything around here
falling apart?

(ALL GASP)

Everyone knows that people have
stopped believing in happily ever after.

Well, everyone except Eleanor, that is.

And she's never gonna be
a Fairy Godmother.

Well, you said so yourself.

When's the last time
anyone went on assignment?

(ALL MURMURING)

No more assignments
mean no more Fairy Godmothers.

So when exactly were you going to
fess up to her and us

that you are about to
shut this school down,

and we are all being retrained
as Tooth Fairies?

(GASPS)

(GASPS) What?

AGNES: And this was the moment
that Eleanor realized

she would never be a Fairy Godmother
unless she found an assignment.

Now, being a Tooth Fairy
didn't sound so bad to me.

You only work nights,

you've always got
a little change in your pocket.

But Eleanor, she was
not about to give up her dream.

All she needed was one assignment.

And about 40 to 50 years more training.

ELEANOR: Whoa! Ouch!

(GRUNTS) Ow. Oof!

There has to be something in here.

Wish I could levitate. (GRUNTS)

Nothing. Nothing.

Nothing! Ugh! Nothing?

Nothing!

Okay. I give up.

AGNES: And just when
she thought all was lost...

ELEANOR: Wait. What?

Please.

Yes!

YOUNG MACKENZIE: Dear Fairy Godmother,
my name is Mackenzie Walsh,

and I live at 8566 Hawkins Street
in Boston. In America.

And I need your help.

-(ELEANOR SCREAMS)
-(THUD)

(GROANS) I'm okay.

YOUNG MACKENZIE:
Obviously I would like world peace,

but there is also a boy in my class,

and he is the cutest boy
in the whole school.

It is my dearest wish
that he would even notice me.

Please, could you help
make that wish come true?

ELEANOR: Toothbrush.

Nightgown. Books:

-Howdy!
-(YELPS)

Where are you going?

What? No, I'm not going anywhere.

If I was going somewhere,
I'd be packing away my books. Like this.

And my toothbrush.

And my extra underpants. Like this.

Oh, and my spare wand.
In case of emergencies.

Did you see me do that?
No. I don't think so.

I know what you're doing, Eleanor,
I just don't know why.

-Can you keep a secret?
-I am a secret.

I went to the Assignment Room.

Why? It's empty.
That's why they're shutting us down.

It's not totally empty.
I found an assignment.

-Get outta here!
-No.

Look.

Mackenzie Walsh, age ten.

I'm gonna help that little girl
and save the Motherland

by proving that
people still need Fairy Godmothers.

Well, you got moxie, kiddo.

But even if this girl
does need a Fairy Godmother,

you're not trained.

Well, I'm not going to get trained
if the Motherland is shut down.

And even if I don't know everything,
I know that I can do this.

(SINGING)
I was born to be a Fairy Godmother

It's in the very heart of me

Ow!

You know you're not supposed to sing.
We've talked about it.

You're gonna miss my singing
when I'm gone.

Trust me when I tell you

there are worse things
than being a Tooth Fairy.

Moira's not a big fan
of fairies going rogue.

If she finds out you're gone,
she could close the portals back,

or take away your magic.

Shh, don't say that.

I have to do this.

Well, if you're going, you're gonna
need to know the way out of here.

(BLOWS NOSE)

Right.

-Kid, you'd better move fast.
-(GASPS)

You only have a few more days
before Moira closes us down.

Thank you, Agnes.

Knock 'em dead, kid.

Oh, Agnes, if everything goes right,
nobody's gonna die.

Goodbye.

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

Oh.

I can do this, I can do this.

I can do this.

I can't do this.

(SPEAKING LATIN)

Oh.

Nicely done. (CHUCKLES)

(GRUNTING)

(SQUEALS)

-(GRUNTS)
-(THUD)

(GROANS)

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

(SPEAKING LATIN)

(SCREAMING)

And they say portal crossing
is a senior-level course. (CHUCKLES)

(GASPS) What in Godmother's name!

Hello, friends. Which way to America?

East? West? Oh, both.

(GASPS)

Pumpkins! Yes!

All right.

One carriage, coming up.

(SPEAKING LATIN)

(GRUNTS)

(GASPS)

(EXCLAIMING)

Oh, no!

Not the big one!

(SIGHS)

There's gotta be a better way to travel.

(COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING)

(PANTING)

-(CAR HONKS)
-(SCREAMS)

Hey. Hey!

Hey, are you okay?

(BOTH SCREAM)

You can't sleep here.

-Why? Are there dragons? Evil fairies?
-(SIGHS)

In a manner of speaking, yeah.

Oh.

Whoa!

Oh, your carriage must've required
an enormous pumpkin.

How many footmen are inside?

Uh, none. Just me.

Beth.

(CHUCKLES)

Beth. You're hilarious.

Everyone knows
women don't drive themselves.

That's what mice are for.

-Sweetheart, are you on drugs?
-Of course not.

What are drugs?

Oh, boy, that's a yes.

Look, do you have anyone you can call?

I guess there's my roommate.

(LOUDLY) Agnes!

Agnes! Agnes?

She must be doing
her morning announcements.

I can find a bluebird
to bring her a message

once I get to Boston.

Is that where you're headed?

Oh, yes. I'm looking for
my future forever friend, Mackenzie Walsh.

She lives in Boston, Massachusetts.
In America.

Let's see what we can find.

Oh, good, a map.

Siri, search Mackenzie Walsh.

AUTOMATED VOICE: (OVER SPEAKER)
Okay. Here's what I found.

Who said that? Is there a genie in there?

(SOFTLY) Don't answer that.

Okay. I think we need to
get you to your friend

-as quickly as possible.
-Yes.

-The good news is, I'm headed that way.
-(GIGGLES)

Okay.

(ELEANOR GRUNTS)

BETH: Welcome to Beantown.

So then I said,
"I don't want to be a Tooth Fairy."

Yep. I lost my heart to a Tooth Fairy
one night at Burning Man in 2004.

They're no good.

Well, you should be able to find
a Mackenzie Walsh in there.

-Oh, thank you for everything.
-Oh. (CHUCKLES)

Hey, take this.

Thank you.

Are you sure I can't
make you a ball gown before I go?

Nah. I got a few in the back.

Oh, thank goodness.

Bye.

(CHUCKLES)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Ooh.

BARB: Coming up...

What would you do if you found out

your parents weren't actually
your parents at all?

That's the dilemma faced by two men,
both born in the Massachusetts area.

The babies were switched at birth
and reunited with their families

20 years later,

only to discover that the hospital
had it right the first time.

But our top story tonight
is out of Essex County,

where residents
were left shocked and confused.

Look at this barbaric sight.

-Now, police have no motives...
-(GASPS)

...for the destruction
of the pumpkin patch,

but believe local pranksters
may be to blame.

If only these inflatable scarecrows
could talk.

Back to you, Barb.

Thanks, Hugh, for that explosive update.

We'll be back in a minute

with news of a bed
that was delivered up a ladder

in Dedham yesterday.

Please text or tweet us

the strangest things
you've seen going up a ladder.

-(BELL RINGS)
-WOMAN: You can't be here!

GRANT: (LOUDLY) Really, people?

That's the best you got?

Conference room!

Now!

WOMAN: What do you think you're doing?

Looking for a sad little girl
named Mackenzie Walsh.

Awkward haircut,
red, like an angry leprechaun.

Kelly in Brookline has emailed.
She once saw a duck on a ladder.

So deal with that bombshell
how you see fit.

Mack, you have a visitor.

Uh-huh.

I'm looking for Mackenzie Walsh.

Yep, that is me.

Hey, Murry, can you please move it along?

I promised my kids
I'd cook dinner tonight.

Then I must be looking for your daughter.
Could you tell me how to find her?

(SCOFFS) Who are you?
The world's laziest kidnapper?

Why would I tell you where my kid is?

Is this someone's idea of a joke?

I'm sorry, I think
there must be some mistake.

I'm looking for the Mackenzie Walsh
that lives at 8566 Hawkins Street.

How do you know my old address?

Your old...

No.

No, no, no.

No, it can't be you. You're...

Old. So old.

This is a disaster.
A woman your age couldn't possibly

still need someone
to make her dreams come true.

Yeah, right,
because I'm clearly living the dream.

Now, who are you?

Well, I'm Eleanor,

-and I'm your Fairy Godmother.
-(SOFTLY) Security.

And I'm here to help you
find happily ever after.

Oh, you wanna be on the show. Okay.

Uh, are you from a matchmaking app,
a dating website, what?

Oh, actually, I'm from the Motherland.

Right. I've never heard of that.

-(SOFTLY) Security.
-WOMAN: Mack.

Grant says get in here. Now.

-I'm late for a story meeting.
-ELEANOR: Oh.

Come up with something
a little more original

than the Fairy Godmother act,

and maybe we can get you
a segment for Valentine's Day.

-It's not an act. I really...
-Over here.

-Ma'am.
-Oh, footmen?

GRANT: Okay. The viewing numbers are in,
folks, and they are not a pretty read.

I mean, look at this. We're still in...
(SMACKS LIPS)

-I don't know how to read this.
-Fifth place.

Fifth, like five?
There are only four news shows.

Okay, I could try
a different shade of spray tan.

No, no, ever since we switched you
to coconut glow,

you are killing it
with teen girls and shut-ins.

It's the rest of you
that need to step your game up.

Especially you two!

What was that?

"Cops think
pranksters blew up some pumpkins."

That is not getting eyes on the box.

But, "Police rule out witchcraft
in mysterious pumpkin cult massacre"?

That's a story!

ELEANOR: I really am her Fairy Godmother.

Do you wanna see my magic wand?

I mean, look what Dave did last month.

Dave forgot to bring us back
from commercial for 12 minutes,

and nobody noticed.

Wrong. Dave got people talking about us.

Is that the summit
of our ambition, really?

Okay. You think you can do better?

Tomorrow, Bruins' playing Golden Knights,
Cold War classic at TD Garden.

Dave, you're my guy,
so you're covering the game.

And I want the two of you on the tailgate.

So tell me, how are you gonna
get people talking about us?

Actually, I was thinking,
instead of covering the tailgate,

we could do a segment

on the team donating coats
to the city's homeless youth.

I'm sorry, what's your name?
I don't care. You are boring.

-I am bored. You have bored me.
-(BUZZER SOUNDS)

Look at this guy.
2008 called. Wants its haircut back.

(CHUCKLES) Actually, the numbers
on his hair are huge.

And his face and his smile. (GIGGLES)

You should give your head
a pat on the back.

Way to go, head.

-ELEANOR: Ooh!
-She oughta be committed.

Oh, I am. Totally committed.

What if we shoot B-roll
of everyone cooking in the parking lot,

and we do a whole "Is there salmonella
at the tailgate" kinda thing?

-Go on.
-Uh, or, uh, face paint.

Uh, on fans' faces.

"Is it poisoning fans? Find out at 11:00."

-Face paint isn't poisonous.
-Yeah. And we'll tell them that at 11:00.

Good. That doesn't totally suck.

All right, people, I just want you
to focus on what's important. Okay?

And that's fourth place. All right?

Oh, I'm sorry, are we keeping you?

I hope you're not running anywhere

without re-editing that pumpkin debacle
for the 7:00 p.m. show.

Thank you.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(SIGHS) Can't we do better
than face paint and salmonella?

Yeah. Let's make it E. coli.

Come on, Mack. I'm serious. If we found
some stories that were inspiring,

we could light a fire under this place.

I can't afford to lose this job.

(SIGHS)

-Me again!
-(YELPS)

-It's me, Eleanor.
-This is getting...

-Okay, okay.
-I'm your Fairy Godmother.

Just back off, lady!

I know what you're thinking,
and it's true.

Most Fairy Godmothers are a lot older.

If you can overlook my youth
and your total lack of experience,

you'll find I have a real can-do attitude
that's gonna take us very, very far.

-I will call 911.
-Oh, I'll show you.

No. Please wait. No, please don't.
I have kids.

(SPEAKING LATIN)

MACKENZIE: (EXCLAIMS) Huh?

-Oh!
-(GASPS)

(GASPS AND GRUNTS)

(GASPS)

What just happened?

I was trying for a ball gown.

It's not my best work,
but at least it's weather appropriate?

Oh, my God, it's happening.
I'm finally losing my mind.

Don't be silly. This is magic?

Yo, Mack, what's the occasion?

Wait, Ray, you can see this?

Uh, it's kinda hard to miss.

You look hot.

You're not supposed to say
that kinda thing in the workplace.

I mean, your face is all red and sweaty.

Oh, my God, he saw it. It's real.

Of course it is.

Now, do you have a carriage here,

or shall we hitch a ride
in someone else's pumpkin?

-Shh, that's Grant, my boss.
-What...

-He can't see me like this!
-Oh!

Why?

MACKENZIE: Because you poofed me
into a sleeping bag.

(CAR ALARM CHIRPS)

-(ALARM BEEPING)
-(BRAKES SCREECHING)

-Okay, don't press. Can you...
-What is that?

-Hang on...
-MAN ON RADIO: 96.1 Classic Radio...

Who's talking?

-(BEEPING)
-(TIRES SCREECHING)

-Just... Okay.
-(SCREAMS)

It looks like me!

Yeah... Oh, my God. Okay, listen.

I'm gonna drop you at the South Station,

and you can get on a Greyhound

and head back
to wherever it is you came from.

What... Did you say a greyhound?

Yeah, a Greyhound bus.

-They're turning greyhounds into buses?
-Uh...

-Typically, they just become footmen.
-(FESTIVE MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)

Actually, they would be
faster than a pumpkin.

-(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)
-Okay. Stop! Stop.

Don't you have somewhere else
that you can go?

No. Not locally.

Oh, Except for those lovely princes
in the alley

said that I could stay with them,

as long as I didn't mind
sharing knitting needles.

Okay.

-(FESTIVE MUSIC RESUMES PLAYING)
-All right. Here...

Take this money
and just get yourself something to eat.

Oh, thank you. I am really hungry.

-Oh, it's hard and thin.
-Wait, stop! Spit it out!

Spit it. Ew.

No, this is money.
Then you can go and stay in a hotel.

I'm sorry, but you have to go.

ELEANOR: What...

MACKENZIE: Out you go.

Wait.

What about your dearest wish?

(SIGHS) What dearest wish?
What are you talking about?

See?

Where did you get this?

Well, you sent it to me when you were ten.

(ELEANOR GRUNTS)

Why have we stopped at this hovel?

Shouldn't we proceed directly
to the castle?

-(SIGHS) This is the castle. I live here.
-(CAR HONKS)

Real estate prices must be
much more expensive in Boston

than they are in Motherland.

Hey. You can stay for one night.

Oh, something has my gown.

You are not meeting my kids.

Can't you just puff yourself
an igloo or something?

(CHUCKLES) Oh, ice castle construction?

(CHUCKLES) Oh, I wish.

You're putting me in the dungeon?

-Not a dungeon.
-Huh?

MACKENZIE: It's a basement.

-Stay here and be quiet.
-Got it.

Okay. Get me out of this.

Right.

Of course.

Here we go. (SPEAKING LATIN)

Funny story, I might not
quite remember how to poof you back.

Great.

Sorry.

(DOOR CLOSES)

(GRUNTS AND YELPS)

(GRUNTS)

(EXCLAIMS)

(SINGING) This is the song you sing

When you're in the dungeon

This is the basement dungeon song you sing

Police are not ruling out witchcraft

in what is now being called
the Essex Pumpkin Cult Massacre.

Coming up next, we're gonna show you

-how to turn a pinecone...
-Hey.

...into your favorite celebrity.

Hey, Bingo.

BARB: (ON TV) I know who mine is.
Chris Pine.

Coming up later,
Mass General Neurosurgery Department...

-(MACKENZIE EXCLAIMS)
-(THUD)

...gets a new head,
and you won't believe his name.

-Sorry I'm late. Again.
-Ryan Brain.

Ah, I see everyone is still wide awake
and watching TV.

Only thing that would make this better

is if you'd had pizza for dinner
and you hadn't done your homework.

Wow, it's like you've been here
with us this whole time.

Well, the pizza had vegetables on it.

MIA: We didn't eat them,
but they were there.

(CHUCKLES) What are you wearing?

-Um, it was for a story.
-Ah.

Hey, how was your spelling test?

-I failed.
-What?

But I quizzed you on it last night.
You got 100%.

So, you know that I know
the same thing as the people who got an A.

-Ha, ha. Bed. Now.
-(GROANS)

-Good night.
-MIA: Good night.

-Good night, Bingo.
-Hey.

-Hey.
-JANE: Mom.

A middle-aged woman is on a rope
swinging over a river.

I think everybody knows how
that's gonna end. How was your day?

It was fine.

Mr. Clancy wants her to sing a solo
for show choir.

-Paula.
-Well, it's exciting.

But you're not in show choir.

No, but Kent Buckus is. Only he got mono.

Now, half the choir's out sick,
including Kim Murphy.

So, now Mr. Clancy wants me to
sing Kim's solo at the parade next week.

What parade?

The big holiday parade downtown.

Did you tell him you don't wanna do it?

Yeah, I'm going to. It's a dumb idea.

Uh... Look, it's not a dumb idea.

It's just... They'd be lucky to have you.

There's a reason
you didn't join show choir.

Yeah, I know. It's fine.
Forget it. I'm going to bed.

-PAULA: Night, babe.
-Night.

MACKENZIE: Good night. I love you.

(SIGHS)

I bet when Beyoncé was young,

her mother used to encourage her
in exactly the same way.

Did Beyoncé hyperventilate so badly
in her eighth-grade talent show

that she passed out and cracked a rib?

In seventh grade, it was hives.

She scratched those scabs
so badly they got infected,

I had to take her
to the hospital at 2:00 a.m.

She had a fever of 103.
Doctor said she could have got sepsis.

If you ever get sick of your job
as a TV producer,

you could become a motivational speaker.

Sixth grade, she projectile vomited
before she got onstage.

Every time she goes to perform,
it's a complete disaster.

She ends up totally crushed.

You sound like Mom.

Well, Mom has common sense.

Mom didn't raise Beyoncé.

Oh! (CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

What are you doing?

Oh.

-Is this your true love?
-Not anymore.

What? What do you mean?

Step three says
that you find your true love

and you live happily ever after.

Well, we did live happily.

(SIGHS) But life
isn't always a fairy tale.

Sometimes people grow
or change or get divorced

or fall out of love
or run off and join a cult

or fall in love
with a skinny Pilates instructor.

Life isn't as simple
as "happily ever after."

But it has to be.

I came all this way to help you
find your heart's desire.

My heart's desire now
would be a clean house

and maybe the eyebrows that I had
before I started stress plucking.

That's the saddest thing I've ever heard.

What happened...

What happened to the little girl
that wrote me this letter?

I guess she grew up.

Do you want me to make your bed?

No, I already did it.

Don't root around in any of my boxes.

All right. Good night.

No, thank you.

(DOOR CLOSES)

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

AGNES: Uh-oh, kids, here comes Moira.

-(MOIRA CLEARS THROAT)
-Pretending like everything's still fine.

Let us open our texts, shall we?

Now, the role of a Fairy Godmother is...

(ALARM BUZZING)

(ALARM STOPS)

(YAWNS)

(GASPS)

-Good morning, friend.
-How did you get in here?

Oh, hey, now they look just great.
Like two little fox tails.

-MACKENZIE: What?
-(CHUCKLES)

(GASPS) What have you done to my eyebrows?

What have you done to my house?

(CHUCKLES)

Last night, I did some thinking.

I know you don't believe
in happily ever after,

but that's why I'm here.

And if we're going to find it for you,
you'll need a castle.

The hovel won't work.

You turned it into Medieval Times.

I know, right?

(GRUNTING)

-Oh...
-(PIG GRUNTING)

Oh, my God, Bingo?

Bingo, is that you? (GASPS)

You turned my dog into a pig?

Technically, he's a piglet.

I was trying for a woodland creature

to help out with
all this housework, obviously,

but then the spell got away from me.

You need to put everything back
exactly the way that it was.

I'm serious. I don't want a castle.

I really don't want my kids
finding out I have a Fairy Godmother.

Oh. (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Hi, girls.

Oh!

Hi.

(GRUNTING)

-Huh? Bingo?
-(DOOR CLOSES)

PAULA: Who wants bagels?

Whoa, what did you do to your house?

Whoa! (CHUCKLES)
What did you do to your eyebrows?

Mom has a Fairy Godmother.

No, uh, Eleanor is a set decorator
from the station.

-(ANIMAL CHITTERING)
-(ALL SCREAM)

-ELEANOR: (GASPS) There you are!
-(CHITTERS)

Where have you been?

(GIRLS SCREAM)

Oh, it's okay.
He's just here to help with the housework.

Oh, right. Does he do laundry as well?

I'd keep him away
from your clothes. (CHUCKLES)

Raccoons are best for light work.

-They're very good with brooms...
-(CHITTERS)

Uh, dusting and sweeping.

How did you just do that with the broom?

Magic. Levitation is something
I've really been working on.

-Can you magic me a new iPad?
-ELEANOR: Sure.

(CHUCKLES) One eye patch, as requested.

Wait, can we just take it back to the fact

that there is a raccoon
sweeping your kitchen?

-MACKENZIE: Mmm-hmm.
-(CHITTERING)

ELEANOR: His name is Gary, by the way.

You know what?

I don't understand what's going on,
but, uh, it's going on Facebook.

Uh, are you crazy?
They'll cart us off to a rubber room.

To be honest,
I'm not really supposed to be here either.

(GROANS) If my headmistress Moira,
back at the Motherland,

found out about this...
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

Oof! It'd be a disaster.

Right. We don't want
her Fairy Godmother boss

back at the Motherland to find out.

-PAULA: Uh-huh.
-So, Eleanor's gonna go back today, right?

-Right. Eleanor's gonna... Wait. What?
-(GARY SNEEZES)

No, I can't leave until I help you.

I don't... (LOUDLY) ...need any help!

Are you kidding?

All you do is complain
about how stressed you are.

-She's always tired.
-And grumpy.

No, that is not totally true.

Is it?

Uh...

So, she can stay? Please, please!

-Please, Mom.
-Please.

-(MACKENZIE SIGHS)
-Please! Please!

-Okay.
-(CHUCKLES)

MACKENZIE: Okay, you guys have gotta
get to school, and I gotta get to work.

And... Are you gonna
be okay here by yourself?

Oh, sure. Gary and I can work on a moat.

You know,
maybe you can come to work with me...

-Oh!
-...but first fix my eyebrows, please.

COMMENTATOR: Welcome
to the Cold War Classic.

The Boston Bruins
versus the Golden Knights.

Go, Bruins!

-(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
-(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

Here. Put this on and try to fit in.

If you do any magic,
I'll lock you in the trunk.

Hey, guys.

Ah, look who's here.

Yeah, guys, sorry I'm late.

It was a crazy day.
This is my cousin, Eleanor.

Oh, I'm actually her Fairy...

Favorite cousin. She's visiting,
and so I said she could tag along.

Ah. Hiya, I'm Duff, on camera.

Duff Oncamera. What a lovely name.

Oh, wow. Look at all this stuff.

You must have the strength of a giant

and the brains of a wizard
to be in charge of all this.

Nice to meet you. I'm Hugh Prince.

(GASPS)

(WHISPERS) Prince. (GASPS)

I like your costume.
You must be a huge fan.

(INDISTINCT CHEERING)

MAN 1: Go, Bruins!
MAN 2: You go, baby! You go!

Yes. Go, Brains!

Bruins.

-Hmm?
-Bruins.

-Bruins. (CHUCKLES)
-Bruins. (CHUCKLES) So funny.

I like her already.

-You sure you don't need any help?
-DUFF: Thanks.

But dealing with this camera
is literally my job.

-Hmm.
-What do you do?

Oh, I help people find
their happily ever after.

-You must be from California.
-Hmm.

I was thinkin' we could do a story about
the organization's effort to recycle.

They're leading the way
for households...

We could do that.

Next month, we'll be living
in a storm drain, drinking sewer water

and eating roadkill to survive,

because Grant would've fired us.

There are some guys
having an eating contest,

shoving chili dogs down their masks,
which can be pretty gross.

Yeah, and if we get lucky
and someone chokes,

we could even do a story on killer chili.

We could only dream.

Meantime, I'll go look
for people eating undercooked wings.

Great.

-Go, Brains!
-(CHUCKLES)

Oh, my Godmothers.

(GASPS) That Hugh Prince
is so handsome and nice.

And according to Duff, he's not living
happily ever after with anyone.

Enough with the "happily ever after."

I have to work, Eleanor, please.

Why don't you help me?
Why don't you... Oh!

You see these hot pots of chowder...

-ELEANOR: Mmm-hmm.
-...all over the tailgate?

Why don't you go try 'em and report back
and tell me which one is your favorite?

Cauldrons of magical concoctions?

-Yes!
-I won't let you down.

Oh!

Mmm!

Mmm!

(CHUCKLES)

Mmm!

(MUFFLED) Thank you.

MAN: You're welcome.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Notify the Pulitzer Committee.

-(ELEANOR BREATHING HEAVILY)
-Wait, is that...

Is that Eleanor?

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

MACKENZIE: Eleanor?

-Wait.
-HUGH: Hi.

-Eleanor. Eleanor, is everything okay?
-ELEANOR: Hey.

(MUFFLED) Oh, yes.

-It's just a little hard to breathe.
-Oh, okay.

-ELEANOR: Mmm-hmm.
-Is face paint poisonous?

-No...
-MACKENZIE: Look at her!

This is what I look like
after I have shellfish.

-MACKENZIE: Oh.
-You had any seafood?

Not really. Just six bowls of chowder
and 18 lobster rolls...

DUFF: No.
HUGH: Oh...

-DUFF: That's bad.
-I have this for later.

-DUFF: No!
-No! Okay.

There's an EpiPen in the van,
and we'll get the winner.

(GASPING) It's really
getting hard to breathe now.

-(GRUNTS) I got it.
-Oh, good.

Okay.

Uh, there's no instructions.

I'm just gonna pop the cap off this, and
then, uh, jam the needle into your thigh.

Needle? You said it was a pen?

Eleanor, you need this!

-ELEANOR: No, needle! No, no, no!
-Eleanor! Eleanor!

(BOTH SHOUTING)

Eleanor, you need this! Please!

-No, needle!
-Look, there's a unicorn!

-Where?
-(MACKENZIE GRUNTS)

(SCREAMS) No!

(SHOUTING IN LATIN)

(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)

Mayhem today outside the Bruins game.

Channel 8's Hugh Prince was on the scene.

All right, city officials tell us
no fireworks were planned

and they have no explanation
for what's happening.

However, local authorities believe

the event may be caused
by an unusual weather phenomenon.

And what about reports
that it might've been

some sort of military space weapon?

I have not heard about a space weapon.
Do you have a source for those reports?

-No. But as soon as we do...
-Thanks, Barb.

...you can bet
that we will update this story.

Space weapon?

Thank you, Hugh.
Please stay safe out there.

(CAR HONKS)

You mean well, but this isn't gonna work.

What? No, it's only been one day.

And my house looks like Game of Thrones,

you turned my dog into a piglet,
you almost blew up the Bruins.

Well, because you stabbed me.

I saved your life.
Who eats that much seafood?

Sharks!

MACKENZIE: (SIGHS) It's late.

You can stay one more night,
but you're gone in the morning.

Meanwhile, events on the ice
are just as remarkable...

Eleanor! Hi!

The Golden Knights are losing
a whopping 12-0 in the second period.

Your report is on every channel.

Everybody's using your footage.
It's so cool.

It's as if the magic in the sky
has put a spell on the Bruins' fortunes.

(SPEAKING LATIN)

(WHIRRING)

(CLOCK CHIMING)

-Kid?
-(SCREAMS)

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

Agnes?

Hiya, kid, can you see me okay?

Whoa!

What is this?

What? Haven't you ever heard of FaceTime?

Oh, Agnes...

Oh, I've missed you. Oh!

It's so good to see you.

Well, I wish I could say the same, kid,

but word on the quad
is that Moira knows you're gone.

-(GASPS)
-Yeah. And if she finds out

that you're doing an assignment,
she'll go off her rocker.

Oh, no. She loves her rocker.

You need to come home.

Well, I can't. I'm not done yet.

Well, what's the holdup?

Nothing.

Mackenzie's not ten, for one thing.

She's old, and she's got kids.

And she says that
people run off with "piratis" instructors,

which I think is how she says "pirates."

And there's this prince named Hugh,
but she won't even consider him.

She doesn't believe in happily ever after.

Greta was right.

-Sheesh!
-I know!

Sounds like
she doesn't even believe in "happy."

Agnes...

I gotta go.

I think I just figured out what to do.

Well, okay, kid, but do it fast.

You only have four days left.

Right. Fast. Bye!

Do I hang up? Or do you? Bye!

(SCREAMS)

Oh, good. You're awake, too.
I've got great news.

I figured out why you're not interested
in happily ever after.

(SIGHS) Because
it's a fairy tale construct

that teaches people
that normal life is not enough?

Because you need a makeover!

Relax. You've made it quite clear
that you prefer dressing like a crone.

I'm talking about a happiness makeover.

I hit the books last night,
and you know what you never see?

A grumpy princess.

Right.

You need that moment
where you dance through the town

and you're singing to the animals
and all the villagers.

Huh. Yeah, okay. Remind me
to add frolicking to my schedule.

You need to do something nice
for yourself for once.

I can't today. I have to go to the bank,
help the kids with the homework,

fix the light
that's broken in the bathroom.

That is what Gary is for. (LOUDLY) Gary!

Bathroom light!

-(CHITTERS)
-ELEANOR: And, kids, homework!

(CHITTERS)

Listen, Hugh told me
about this place downtown

that is full of people,
places, and potions

that are all designed to make you happy.

There might even be someplace

that could magically give you
the skin of a young maiden?

Hmm?

What about the kids? (CHUCKLES)

I'm a Fairy Godmother.
I think I can handle a couple of kids.

I suppose I have to go grocery shopping,

but just please don't let them
stare at a screen all day.

Okay.

(GRUNTS)

(CHEERFUL MUSIC PLAYING)

Wow.

So that's a-movie.

What a wonderful a-movie.

(SPEAKING LATIN)

(MIA EXCLAIMS, CHUCKLES)

Hello.

Jane?

-(GIRL SINGING OVER LAPTOP)
-Mia!

(MIA GIGGLES)

Mia, stop!

Son of a butterscotch.
That is good. Who is that?

-Nobody.
-It's her.

That's you? Oh, my goodness!

Oh! You're really talented.

You really think so?

If I sounded like that,

I would just walk around
singing to everyone.

On the street, in school, in forests,

in castles, on trains,
in dells and meadows,

those large moving metal staircases!

-Electronic superstores...
-JANE: Yeah, we get it.

-You'd sing a lot.
-(BOTH CHUCKLE)

(CHUCKLES)

Oh, yeah.

Well, you should put on a concert.

(SIGHS) She can't.

She freaks out
if she has to sing in front of people.

Really? Why?

It doesn't matter why.
I don't wanna talk about it.

I'm afraid I'm not able
to make your mom or Jane happy.

Mom doesn't believe in "happy,"

or crafts or Christmas.

I knew it!

She says to Aunt Paula,
"There's no point in believing in happy,

"because just when you do,
somethin' comes along

"and smashes it
right off the side of I-95."

What does she mean?

I think she's talking about
when my dad died.

He died?

Oh, no!

No, no, no.

I thought he just ran off
to teach skinny pirates.

Uh...

He was in a car wreck about
four years ago, just before Christmas,

but we don't really talk about him
because everybody gets upset.

He used to sing with Jane all the time.

Oh, dear!

-(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
-Wow. Look at you. (CHUCKLES)

Mia, let's go get your sister.

Okay!

Thank you. Merry Christmas.
Have a nice day.

HUGH: We'll just do the same routine.

We've got, like,
45 minutes left or something.

Do your thing with the tea,
like you did last year. That was so good.

And, yeah, we'll head off.

Give me a sec.

Mackenzie?

Hugh?

Why are you dressed like Prince Charming?

It's not Prince Charming.

Did Eleanor put you up to this?

Up to what?

I, uh, like your hair, by the way.

Today's the Boston Tea Party.
The Sons of Liberty never sleep.

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY) You one of those weirdos
who dresses up for re-enactments?

Samuel Adams. At your service.

Oh.

-Why?
-Civic duty, My Lady.

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
Voting is a civic duty, but...

Your trousers are very tight.

(HESITATES) Yeah.

Hey, you wanna come check it out?

-No.
-Come on, it'll be fun. Join us.

Definitely not, but I'll see you Monday.

You're missing out.

The Sons of Liberty get pretty wild.

Ain't no party like a Tea Party.

Uh-huh.

Oh, what am I doing?

(CHUCKLES)

Okay, I'm going to sing.
And you're just gonna back me up.

All right?

Trust me.

When I start singing,
nobody's gonna even notice you.

(PLAYS FLUTE)

(PLAYING CHEERFUL TUNE)

(SINGING) Raindrops on roses
And whiskers on kittens

This is awesome.

Bright copper kettles
And warm woolen mittens

Brown paper packages
Tied up with strings

-(LAUGHTER)
-MAN: I'll pay you to stop.

These are a few of my favorite things

Cream-colored ponies
And crisp apple strudels

Doorbells and sleigh bells
And schnitzel with noodles

Wild geese that fly
With the moon on their wings

-(STRUMMING)
-These are a few of my favorite things

Girls in white dresses
With blue satin sashes

Snowflakes that stay
On my nose and eyelashes

Silver white winters
That melt into springs

These are a few of my favorite things

When the dog bites

When the bee stings

When I'm feeling sad

Oh.

ALL: (SINGING)
I simply remember my favorite things

And then I don't feel so bad

-(GASPS)
-ELEANOR: Oh.

(LAUGHTER)

WOMAN: Oh, that's not nice.

WOMAN 2: That was a bit mean.

(SINGING) Raindrops on roses
And whiskers on kittens

ALL: (SINGING) Bright copper kettles
And warm woolen mittens

Brown paper packages
Tied up with strings

These are a few of my favorite things

Cream-colored ponies
And crisp apple strudels

Doorbells and sleigh bells
And schnitzel with noodles

Wild geese that fly
With the moon on their wings

These are a few of my favorite things

When the dog bites

When the bee stings

When I'm feeling sad

I simply remember my favorite things

And then I don't feel so bad

(CROWD CHEERING)

ELEANOR: Thank you!

I know. We were very good.

MIA: Mom!

Ooh, treasures.

MIA: Mom!

(BOTH LAUGH)

Mom, you look amazing.

Like a princess.

Did you see Jane singing?

I think Eleanor fixed me.

I got hit in the face with a snowball,
and we sounded kind of terrible...

But I didn't barf.

And we got $6.

And a chicken nugget.

Well, I'm so glad that you had fun.

Should we get home? I've got ice cream.

Mom, look, can we get it, please?
I love it so much! Please.

-You were wonderful.
-MIA: Please? Please...

Please? Please, please?

-Please?
-ELEANOR: Oh, please, please?

MACKENZIE:
Gary, a little higher on the left.

(CHITTERS)

Gary? (SIGHS)

-Gary, that's your right paw.
-(CHITTERS)

Are raccoons usually this dismissive?

City creatures
certainly have more attitude

than those from the woodland realm.

Would you prefer
I conjure a badger instead?

-They tend to be more biddable creatures.
-(BICYCLE BELL RINGS)

(CHITTERS)

GIRL: Look! Hey, hey, on top!

Uh, I think I'll talk to him first.

GIRL 2: Is he hanging up the lights?

ELEANOR: Gary? Did you hear me say,
"Do what you like"?

MACKENZIE: Excuse me,
can you listen to me?

GIRL 2: Is that lady talking to him?
ELEANOR: Don't embarrass me.

Can you just hook that one
over the window?

Gary, did I say to put the lights
in your mouth?

(LAUGHTER)

No! No, over the...

-(THUD)
-CHILDREN: Oh! Ouch!

ELEANOR: Fine. Put the lights in your
mouth and see what happens. (SCOFFS)

I can't believe we're discussing
the work ethic of a raccoon.

I don't know what's happening to me.

Aw, you're starting to believe in magic,
aren't you?

That ship has sailed.

Mia told me what happened.

I know your prince
didn't leave to teach pirates.

I know he died.

I'm so sorry, Mackenzie.

Yeah, well, now you see why
I might have a problem with fairy tales.

-(ALL LAUGHING & SINGING INDISTINCTLY)
-(PIG GRUNTING)

(KNOCKING)

Guys, come out!

Oh, let's go!

(GASPS) Ah!

I love you and your kids,

but if I have to untangle these lights,
I'm gonna lose my mind.

(SCOFFS) You're losing your mind?

I just watched a raccoon
hang these lights.

Do you guys remember
that time that Dad went...

ELEANOR: What?

Oh, I would love to hear.

The time that Dad set fire
to the Christmas tree with candles

and the fire department came out.

So embarrassing.

-I don't remember that.
-JANE: You were too little.

Okay, are we ready?

(CLEARS THROAT)

Blow.

(ALL GASP)

Oh, did you...

MACKENZIE: Oh, wow!

Wow!

-MIA: (GIGGLES) Yay!
-Oh.

-PAULA: Wow.
-(GARY CHITTERING)

(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)

-(DOG BARKING)
-(GARY CHITTERING)

ELEANOR: (SCREAMING) Gary!

Rolling blackouts
continue to hit Boston tonight

after a power grid was sabotaged
in the Charlestown neighborhood.

Local children provided police
with a description

of the individuals believed
to be responsible and...

I am getting word now
that we have a sketch of the perpetrators.

Anyone with additional information
is obviously encouraged (HESITATES)

to phone our Channel 8 tip line.

(GASPS) Look how magical it is!

Eleanor, did you put a spell on Mom?

Hey! Just 'cause I'm in a good mood?

What time you wanna
get picked up today, Janie?

3:45 for Aunt Paula?

Actually, I need to
stay late for show choir.

I've decided I'm gonna sing the solo.

I know what you're gonna say,
but I think I can do it.

Well, of course you can.

You don't think I can do it.

I love you.
I just know what happened last time.

-And the time before.
-I'm doing this.

Should be a fun ride to school.

PAULA: Okay. Come on. Chop, chop.

Really? Show choir?

How are you not moving your mouth?

I'm gonna kill you.

-(CAR STARTS)
-ELEANOR: Hmm?

Have fun!

ELEANOR: (MUFFLED) Have fun!

ELEANOR: Maybe we just brush out your hair
before you see Hugh Prince.

Stop it!

He's very handsome,
and he's charming,

-and I just want you to look your best.
-(SHUSHES)

Oh!

-Oh, there you are.
-Hi!

Got your go-bag. We got our assignment.

Oh, give you one guess.

Exclusive access to the NATO Summit?

BOTH: Nope! Storm Watch!

(VAN HONKS)

(MACKENZIE GROANS)

Oh, it's a carriage and a warrior?
Is it friendly? What are its powers?

Eh...

Four-wheel drive and studded snow tires.

(MACKENZIE AND ELEANOR GRUNTING)

CHOIR: (SINGING)
The hills are alive

With the sound of music

(ELEANOR VOCALIZING)

(GIGGLES)

How does Storm Watch work exactly?

You see how delightful this is?
Everyone's happy and having fun?

Oh, it's perfect. So idyllic.

Well, we're gonna avoid
showing that at all costs.

Grant wants us to focus on traffic chaos
and runaway snowplows.

Or people fighting to the death
over canned food.

Mack won a bottle of champagne last year
for coming up with "Snow way, José,"

when the local Mexican restaurant
flooded from frozen pipes.

Most of our job is coming up with puns
like, "Snow laughing matter,"

or, "Snow end to the misery in sight."

"Snow way out."
"No business like snow business."

Unfortunately,
there's no, "Avalanche on Main Street,"

or, "Death by snowball," so I guess
we'll go with the old tried and true,

"Kids sledding on a hill" shot.

(CLAPPING) Ooh!
Let's snow! That means, "Let's go."

That was it. You got it, Eleanor!
Do you wanna give me a hand?

Oh, no, thank you.

-(CLOCK CHIMING)
-AGNES: Kid? Ya there? Whoo!

Are they keeping you in a dungeon?

No more fooling around.

Moira is about to
cough up her cocoa back here.

She's closing the portals
in two days' time.

(KIDS CHEERING)

Is here okay?

-What do you think?
-MACKENZIE: Oh, uh...

Can he back up a little?
I'd love him to be closer to the action.

It looks so fun! Can we do it, too?

Uh, I can't.
I'm setting up for a live shot.

-HUGH: This?
-Yeah. That's perfect.

-HUGH: All right.
-Yes.

You know what? Actually,
there's a flying saucer in the trunk.

-Go have some fun.
-(GIGGLES)

MACKENZIE: Okay, we're set here.

And we're live in three, two...

Good evening, everyone. I'm Hugh Prince
reporting from the town of Marblehead.

Now the blizzard means a flurry
of activity, and fun knows snow bounds.

Oh, no.

No, no, no, no. No.

(SCREAMING)

The forecast calls
for a foot of snow tonight.

-Out of the way!
-But something

tells me the children of Marblehead
won't be chilling out.

They'll be laughing their sleds off!
Ahh!

(ELEANOR CONTINUES SCREAMING)

(REWINDING)

They'll be laughing their sleds off!
Ahh!

DUFF: This is why I never stop rolling.

-(ELEANOR AND MACKENZIE EXCLAIM)
-That's a money shot right there.

I'm so sorry, Mackenzie.
I really messed up.

I really am very sorry.

Yeah, no, I'll tell her.

Yeah, yeah. All right. All right.

Yeah, well, what you gonna do?

Okay. Thanks. Talk to you tomorrow.

Are we fired?

The station's website
already has 200,000 hits.

Grant says we're viral like
his aunt's chicken pox. But he's thrilled.

We should celebrate!

DUFF: Wow.

That's one way.

I'll go get us more of this elixir.

-What is it called again?
-Lite beer.

Lite beer.

"LOL when the redhead wipes out."

"I hate that doofus reporter,
but loved it when he got slammed."

"Great seeing
those Channel 8 idiots get totaled."

Our clip has 400,000 hits and climbing.

Ouch!

Well, here's to going viral together.

For somebody
who takes himself so seriously,

you don't seem
that upset about going viral.

I knew it. You think
I'm boring and earnest, don't you?

No, of course not, Samuel Adams.

-(SCOFFS)
-(CHUCKLES)

Okay, that... This is a game, too.

Ooh.

Good. Okay, that's cool.

This is a very big wand.

Pool cue. It's a pool cue.

That's what that is.
I get it. I see the mix-up.

(SNIFFS) Mmm.

Ooh, what is this perfect potion?

That's called a lemon drop.
And that is mine.

Was mine.

It really drops down.

DUFF: Yeah. Okay.

Did I win?

We're gettin' there.

(GASPS) Oh!

Excuse me. Oh, no one's there.
(CHUCKLES)

I never pictured you as a divorced guy.

I know, it's impossible to think that
anyone would let all of this get away,

but it happened.

That's actually how I got
into the whole re-enactment stuff.

My son, he loves it,
and we do it on our weekends.

Oh. Now I feel terrible.
I didn't mean to call you a weirdo.

It's fine.

You know, one of the reasons
I wanted to come to Channel 8

was 'cause I used to
hear about this hotshot

that was getting her stories picked up
to the national level.

I mean, I'm surprised
you're not running the joint.

Actually, they did offer me the job,
but it was too soon after...

Yeah, Duff told me
about your husband. I'm...

Right, so I needed to focus on my girls,

and they gave the job to Grant,
and here we are.

I'm sorry, Mack.

I'm sorry, too. Grant is an abomination.

(CHUCKLES)

What about you?
What's it like being divorced?

Oh, it's... What can I say?
(HESITATES) It's lonely.

Mmm, yeah, I get that.

Sometimes, you just want somebody to,
you know, come over and...

Shovel the driveway.

(CHUCKLES) To shoveling the driveway.

Shoveling the driveway.

DUFF: Okay, I'll tell you what.
We'll line up a shot for you.

You've got this.

With your wand, the tip of it,
you hit the white one, hit the red one

to go right into this pocket.
It's called a pocket.

-Got it.
-DUFF: Ready?

White, red, pocket.

(GROANS)

Ooh.

Mother of fudge! Are you okay?

DUFF: (GROANING)
Did I win? I think I won.

(ELEANOR CHANTING IN LATIN)

Oh, wow!

(IN ENGLISH) I know, right?

It took me a whole month
to learn that spell.

But it was worth it.

-You might be right about Hugh.
-Oh!

I'm not saying he's my prince,
but he's kinda charming.

-(GIGGLING) I knew it. He's handsome...
-Eleanor.

I know you wanna help, but...

I'm not quite sure
I'm ready for another fairy tale.

AGNES: Eleanor, on the other hand,

had spent her life
believing in fairy tales.

Little did she know,
this one was about to come to an end.

-(OPERA MUSIC PLAYING ON RECORDER)
-(HUMMING)

(PANTING) Oh!

(MUSIC STOPS)

(PANTING) I'm not going
to ask you where Eleanor is.

Because I know you won't tell me.

Even if I did know, I wouldn't tell you.

That's what I just said!

Good! I'm glad
we're finally seeing eye to eye.

Oh, Agnes, listen to me.

I don't know exactly what she's up to,
but Eleanor is not going to save us.

No one can.

At midnight tomorrow, the Motherland
will close its doors for good.

-Oh, that's a real shame!
-But that's not all.

If Eleanor is not here,
she will be stripped of her magic.

-Disenchantment?
-Yes!

In all my years here,
I have never lost a student.

And I am not about to lose one now!

Even if I have to take drastic measures.

So,

if someone who loves Eleanor
happens to know where she is,

now would be a good time to tell her
to get her fairy tail back here!

I'm gonna go make a call

that's not at all related
to this conversation.

Ah. Hmm.

GRANT: Are you kidding me? Oh, my God!

Ladies and gentlemen,
we did it! Fourth place!

-Hope to see you there.
-(STAFF CHEERING)

-We've reached the top...
-See you later.

-GRANT: Fourth place!
-Mackenzie. Hi!

The other donut-eaters just told me
the most amazing thing ever.

-Brace yourself, because it's big.
-Mmm-hmm.

There's a holiday party tonight. (GASPS)

I know all about the holiday party,
and I'm not going. It's not my thing.

-What part? Parties? Christmas? Fun?
-Mmm. Uh-huh.

Fine, stay home. After all,
nine out of ten fairy tales begin with,

"Once upon a time,
something amazing happened

"while she was drinking wine
in her sweatpants."

Think about it.

(CHRISTMAS CAROL PLAYING)

(SINGING OUT OF TUNE) Joy to the world

Joy to the world

-(SNORTS)
-PAULA: I know, buddy. My ears hurt too.

-Oh, wow!
-(ALL GASP)

JANE: Pretty.

You look so pretty.
Eleanor, you did a great job.

I didn't do that. That was all her.

Really? You can make yourself
look like that without any magic?

MACKENZIE: Mm-hmm.

Yes, because she's beautiful
inside and out.

Aw, true.

And she's wearing
the only thing that really matters.

-Pushup bra?
-Spanx?

(LAUGHING)

-A smile.
-Uh, actually, all three.

(ALL CHUCKLE)

Are you feeling okay about tomorrow?

-Yeah, I think so.
-Okay. Good.

Look at us.
We're both outside our comfort zone.

-Yeah. Okay.
-(CLOCK CHIMING)

-What's that sound?
-Oh, that's probably Agnes FaceTiming.

I should grab that.

Disenchanted? Forever?

I'm sorry, kid, but it's over.

No, I won't give up.

They just need to see
one happily ever after.

I can get her there. I know it.
I just need to speed things up.

Well, you better make it very speedy,
'cause if you don't get back in time,

forget being a Fairy Godmother,
you won't be a Fairy anything.

At midnight tomorrow,
they're closing the Motherland for good!

Oh, I need to go.

(SCRATCHING)

-(DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)
-Fourth place! Fourth place!

Fourth place, baby! Fourth place!

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

BARB: It was a crazy night.

Oh, he took me home, and let me...

DUFF: I was hoping
this would go somewhere else.

(INAUDIBLE)

DUFF: What a story. Typical Barb.

ELEANOR: A glittery gown
turns a frown upside down.

A glittery gown turns a frown upside down.

Yeah. A glittery gown
turns a frown upside down.

I was sweating so bad that my dress
was basically see-through. You remember?

And I had streaks of self-tanner
just running down,

and I looked like a zebra
in a wet T-shirt contest.

That's why I don't wear white
on the air anymore.

Well, I'm all out of war stories.

How 'bout a dance?

(UPBEAT POP MUSIC PLAYING)

(ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING)

(POP SONG RESUMES PLAYING)

(GRUNTS)

HUGH: Mack! Mack!

(GROANS)

Mackenzie? Are you in there? Mackenzie?

MACKENZIE: Eleanor?

-What are you doing here?
-Nothing.

Something really strange happened to me
on the dance floor... Oh, of course.

(MUTTERING)

You had something to do
with this, didn't you?

(SCREAMING) What the heck?

Eleanor! Eleanor!

(MACKENZIE YELPS)

Oh, wow!

(GASPS)

Nice dress. Is it new?

What have you done to me?

-Don't be mad. I'm just trying to help.
-Really? Like this?

You look absolutely beautiful...

-(LAUGHING) What happened to you?
-Hi, Barb, I just... (HESITATES)

I ripped my dress, so I borrowed this
from the wardrobe department.

-It's hilarious.
-Yeah.

You know, my kid has a costume
just like that at home. (SNICKERS)

Treat it as a costume.

(MACKENZIE GROWLS)

Don't be mad. Don't be mad! Mackenzie!

Mackenzie! Where are you going?

Home. Before anybody else sees me.

What? No! Look at you!

You look like a princess.

ELEANOR: (OVER SPEAKERS)
And you're at a ball. Sort of.

And Duff
and all the other peasants are here.

And you even waltzed with
the most handsome of all the princes.

-Hugh Prince!
-Oh, I knew it was you.

And you said it at the hotel.
You think he's charming.

And now he's noticing you.

Isn't that what you wanted
since you were ten years old?

So, why fight true love when you can
just kiss and live happily ever after?

Because...

(CHUCKLES)

-(HESITATES) Happily ever after?
-Yes!

You're her prince.
Now, let's get this done.

-No! Eleanor, this isn't what I want.
-I... Why are you...

Wait a minute, wait a minute.
You're that...

-You're flying saucer chick.
-Yes. That's me.

Hey.

Oh, Mackenzie and Hugh
said we were a big hit.

Is that so?

Oh, yes, they were so worried
about getting fired.

But I guess all you need
for job security is a viral video.

(ALL GASPING)

-No, it's not like that.
-That is not exactly what...

9:00 a.m., my office, tomorrow morning.
We can talk about job security then. Mmm?

Mackenzie! Mackenzie, I'm sorry.
Please just talk to me.

Why should I talk to you?
You don't listen to anything I say.

-That's not true.
-It is.

You came here and did exactly
what you promised you wouldn't do.

And the worst part is,
you didn't even need to.

I was actually having fun tonight.
I felt pretty.

But why isn't that enough for you?

Why am I a failure
unless I'm dressed like ginger Elvis?

-You're not a failure.
-Then why are you here?

Because I don't wanna fail!
They're closing down the Motherland.

So, you're my only chance
at being a Fairy Godmother.

And if I don't get you
to "happily ever after,"

then I'll have to spend
the rest of my life as a Tooth Fairy.

-(SCOFFS) This is all about you.
-No! Of course not. I...

Wait. Is it?

All this time, I thought you cared
about wanting to make me happy.

You just want it for you.

You don't care what I want,
not if it gets in your way.

I'm so sorry, Mackenzie.

I'm sorry too, Eleanor,
but you need to leave.

Mackenzie!

ELEANOR: She was right about everything.
I'm not Fairy Godmother material.

And "happily ever afters,"
those are just for fairy tales.

But you helped us.

-MIA: Don't go.
-I'm sorry. It's over.

-She'll calm down.
-But we need you.

I have to go.

Goodbye, girls.

Bye, Bingo.

Bingo?

Who's that pig?

Now we have a pig and a dog.

Eleanor, where are you?
(SHUDDERS)

Gourds? Pumpkins? Carriages?

Transport.

(GASPS)

(SIGHS)

Hi.

-I need to tell you something.
-I just wanna...

Yes.

I really wanted to apologize
about last night.

I'm just completely mortified.

I think I had too much punch or something,
and things got a little wild.

No, it's... I mean, yeah,
I was surprised, but...

But not in a bad way.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Hey! You two!
What are you doin'? Get in here!

(GROANING) My tum-tum.

I'm gonna be straight with you guys.
I hit the eggnog way too hard last night.

So, I'm gonna keep this quick.
Did you fake the flying saucer story?

-No! We would never fake a story.
-Absolutely not.

Really? Then how do you explain this?

Huh?

And why is flying saucer girl
at the Bruins game?

'Cause she's my cousin,
and she's visiting from Canada.

You seriously want me to believe
that you and your cousin

had nothing to do with the fireballs?

It was an accident.

Ah! So was the blackout too, I suppose.

That's her, isn't it?

We had three big news stories this week,

and your cousin was there
for every single one of them. Yes or no?

Mack, what's goin' on?

I just... I can't.

It's really hard to explain.
But I did not fake a story.

Yeah. You lack the initiative
to pull that off. I actually believe you.

Plus, your cousin seems crazy.
She is, right?

No! No, she's just a little different.

She's a chaos machine.
And you should be ashamed of yourself...

For not cutting me in sooner.

You're good. She is ratings gold.

Here's what we'll do.
We're gonna put a camera on her,

and we are gonna let her fly
her freak flag until we're number one.

-That's exploitation. No.
-But that's not news.

I know. It's gonna be awesome.

No!

I won't let you
take somebody kind and good

and turn them into a sideshow.

You're a single mom, and you haven't put
a good story out in I don't know how long,

so "no" isn't really an option for you.

You do what I say, or you're fired.

-I am done doing things your way.
-Mack, I'm not sure you...

You're the reason we're in last place.

Ah! Fourth place.

You want us to spin things
and twist things

and tell stories about bad people
doing bad things,

but people want more than fearmongering.

They wanna...

To laugh, and to hope, and be inspired
to see the magic in the world.

-'Cause it's real.
-That's cute.

You're fired.

Yeah. No kidding.

You deserve so much better
than this place.

I know. That's what I was tryin'
to tell you before.

I took the job at Channel 4, so...

(INHALES) Merry Christmas. I quit.

How's that for spectacle?

-Bye.
-(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Hello? Yes, this is Mackenzie.

Oh, hi, Mr. Clancy.

Wait, Jane what?

Jane? Jane, sweetie!

Jane?

Jane? Jane!

(PANTING)

Oh!

(DOOR OPENING)

-MACKENZIE: Janie? Honey?
-No, go away.

Uh...

Mr. Clancy called. Honey, you're supposed
to be on stage for the rehearsal.

Is that Dad's guitar?

(CRYING) You were right. You were right.

I can't do this. I can't do anything.

Oh, I never said that.

Yeah, well, you never said that I could.

Or that you thought that I'd be amazing.

But Eleanor did.

And now she's gone.
And I can't do this. I can't...

I'm so sorry.

Honey, if you need Eleanor,
I'll find her. I promise.

Should we bring Dad's guitar with us
for good luck?

Gary, we need you!

-JANE: He's not here!
-Where's Eleanor?

Gary, I'll leave the lids
off the trash cans if you just come out!

MACKENZIE: We need you!
JANE: Eleanor!

-(CHITTERS)
-MACKENZIE: (SCREAMING) Gary!

I'm not sure he can actually
understand human. But look!

I think Aunt Paula's
been looking for Eleanor.

-Ooh!
-PAULA: Ah.

It's hopeless.

PAULA: Are you sure a pumpkin carriage
is the fastest way back to the Motherland?

Yes, but...

-I'm never going to get it.
-No worries.

That was our last pumpkin.

I've got an idea.

Ta-da!

That's not a pumpkin.

-No. I know it's not a pumpkin.
-Good.

-Okay. You know what? Loosen up, right?
-All right.

You know, just really stay loose
and don't think about the fact

that that's a watermelon,
not a pumpkin,

and you might not have
enough magic left to get home,

and you might be stuck here forever.

I'm sorry, that wasn't
a very good pep talk.

No. All right.

-(CHANTING IN LATIN)
-MACKENZIE: Eleanor! Paula!

Hi!

MIA: Whoa!

What happened?

Oh, we were trying to make a carriage.

(SOFTLY) It's not going well.

Jane, why are you here?
Why aren't you at the parade?

I can't do this without you.

Please, Eleanor. I'm so sorry.

Janie needs you.

We need you.

Okay.

First things first.
Let's get you dressed.

(CHUCKLES)

ELEANOR: Son of a butterscotch!
I actually did it!

(ALL CHUCKLE)

-You look amazing.
-You really do.

Perfect outfit, check. Now what?

Um...

Oh, we need to get there. I'm supposed
to be on stage in 20 minutes.

But the parade is all the way downtown.
There's no way.

Actually, there is.

Eleanor, no. You need that to get home.

Not as much as I need to do this.

All right, everyone, step back. Go, go!

(CHANTING IN LATIN)

(ALL GIGGLING EXCITEDLY)

-JANE: Eleanor, you did it!
-I know!

Guys, we need to go.

PAULA: Oh! Yes, yes. Okay. Let's go!

Wow!

-Guys, it smells like watermelon.
-MACKENZIE: This is incredible.

Eleanor! You made this.

ELEANOR: I did this.

So, how does it move?

Right.

Uh... Oh.

(CAT MEOWING)

Please don't blow up.

(MEOWS)

-(CAT YOWLS)
-(ELEANOR GASPS)

(YOWLING)

(ALL SCREAMING)

-(ALL SCREAM)
-(TIRES SCREECHING)

(WOMEN SCREAMING)

(ALL SHRIEKING)

(CHRISTMAS CAROL PLAYING)

There! I see the stage!

(BARB LAUGHING)

The Charlestown drum majorettes, folks!

Look at those smiles! Followed by the...

(GASPS)

The traditional flying watermelon
carriage float, of course.

What the... Hey! Get this, get this,
get this. You, come on!

(CROWD GASPING)

(ALL EXCLAIM)

Oh, just a little fun fact.
I played tuba in high school.

Yeah, it's not a great instrument
for a teenage girl.

If you blow too hard, you can get
a permanent eye bulge. Just slight...

Anyway, that's a story for another time.

Right now, we are headed to the main stage
for the Hamilton High show choir.

-Sorry.
-WOMAN: Ma'am, stop there.

Actually, she's on stage right now.
She's supposed to sing. Duff!

Hey, hi.

-They're with me.
-ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen,

let's hear it for
the amazing Downtown Crew.

How fantastic were they?

You have to make me brave.
I need a spell or something.

Jane, you know it doesn't work like that.

I can't change your feelings
with my magic.

I'm sorry, I can't do this.

Hey. Listen.

I didn't believe in you
because I forgot how to believe in myself.

And I was lost, and I felt scared,

and I taught you to be scared.

You don't need a spell
because you are already magical.

Come on. Let's rush.

Hey, I'm here. I made it.

(SIGHS) Jane! Thank goodness.
We did not have a Plan B.

Now get out there.

Okay.

You can do this.

ANNOUNCER: I want you to give it up now
for tonight's finale,

the Hamilton High show choir,
with soloist Jane Walsh!

(SINGING) You're broken down and tired

(FEEDBACK OVER MIC)

We...

In...

(BREATH TREMBLING)

I'm sorry.

Oh.

(WHISPERING)
Your dad would be so, so proud.

Okay? You got this. Yeah?

CROWD: Aw.

(SINGING)
You're broken down and tired

Of livin' life on a merry-go-round

And you can't find the fighter

But I see it in you
So we can walk it out

Move mountains

We gonna walk it out

Move mountains

And I'll rise up
I'll rise like the day

I'll rise up
I'll rise unafraid

I'll rise up

And I'll do it a thousand times again

And I'll rise up
High like the waves

I'll rise up
In spite of the ache

I'll rise up

And I'll do it a thousand times again

(CHOIR HUMMING)

When the silence isn't quiet

And it feels like
It's gettin' hard to breathe

-And I know you feel like dyin'
-(CHOIR VOCALIZING)

But I promise
We'll take the world to its feet

And move mountains

We can walk it out

Move mountains

CHORUS: Joy to the world

Joy to the world

And I will rise a thousand times again

-For you
-CHOIR: Repeat the sounding joy

-For you
-Repeat the sounding joy

-For you
-Repeat, repeat

-For you
-The sounding joy

-All we need
-Repeat the sounding joy

-Oh, all we need is hope
-Repeat the sounding joy

-And for that we have each other
-Repeat

-And for that we have each other
-Repeat the sounding joy

We'll rise up

-Repeat the sounding joy
-(JANE VOCALIZING)

Repeat the sounding joy

-JANE: We'll rise up
-Repeat, repeat

-For you
-The sounding joy

(CROWD CHEERING)

(CHUCKLES)

She was extremely good!
Oh, my God! Did you see her?

She did it!

(CHEERING)

-She did it!
-Oh! (GRUNTS)

(SCREAMS) What are you doing here?

I'm here to take you home
before it's too late.

-No! Hey, quit it!
-Let go of her!

You're the reason she's in this mess.
She stayed to help a hopeless case,

and if I don't get her home right now,
she could lose everything. Come with me.

-Wait. Is that true?
-No! You are not hopeless.

-Now let go of me! Let go!
-Please. I will not.

-Let go!
-You cannot take my magic away from me!

Eleanor Fay Bloomingbottom.

Don't tell them my middle name.

You get over here right now!

This whole mess is
exactly why Fairy Godmothers

are supposed to follow the rules.

And you are not a Fairy Godmother.

(CROWD GASPS)

We're going home.

Hmph!

(GASPS)

(CROWD CHEERING)

What?

I am a Fairy Godmother.

And what Fairy Godmothers
are supposed to do is help.

I did. I helped Jane.

Jane was not the assignment.

And even if she were,
there are no more assignments.

Mackenzie was the last one.

And I do not see a dress or a prince.

And you did not get her
to happily ever after.

-But...
-You did not save the Motherland.

All you did was fail!

-(MOIRA GASPS)
-(ELEANOR GASPS)

(CROWD MURMURING)

-That is not true.
-Excuse me?

Eleanor, correct me if I'm wrong,
but does your formula require

my true love to be a prince?

-Why, no. I guess it doesn't.
-Well, that's good.

Mia, Jane.

Then these are my true loves.

And you didn't fail.

You helped me remember
how to live happily.

(SCOFFS) That's not the same
as happily ever after.

Are you sure?

Four years ago, I...

I thought my story was over,

and Eleanor helped show me that it wasn't.

CROWD: Aw!

That's not how it works.

Then how it works needs to change.

We think that love
needs to look a certain way.

A prince, a castle, a gown.

We're trapped in the fairy tale

when the real world
is full of so much more.

CROWD: Aw! (CHEERING)

Instead of telling people
what true love is supposed to look like,

maybe we should let them tell us.

Mia, who's your true love?

-Can I have more than one?
-Sure. Why not?

Well, Mom and Jane, but also Aunt Paula.

(CROWD CLAPPING)

PAULA: You guys...

Who's your true love?
And don't just tell me, tell each other.

You?

-Us?
-Yes.

-I love you, Nan.
-CROWD: Aw.

And you.

BOTH: We love you, Jonah.

Aw.

Oh! And you, Hugh Prince,

what does love mean to you?

Me? Oh, I...

Right, um... Love?

Love. Yeah, love. Love is many, many

(HESITATES) a splendored thing.

(CROWD LAUGHS)

No, um, love means...

I love you, Dad.

...dressing up as a colonial soldier
'cause you miss your son.

And sometimes love just means
shoveling someone's driveway.

That one didn't really make sense.

Love comes in so many forms, Moira.

Why can't we see that?

Eleanor didn't magically fix my life.

She showed me how to fix it myself.

That's how we can help them.

This is a day I thought I'd never see.

You did well!

-(CROWD CHEERING)
-Oh! I did well!

-Maybe it's time to re-write the book.
-All right.

Now, let's go home
and save some Fairy Godmothers.

Thank you for everything.

Thank you.

-Go be a Godmother.
-All right.

Bye!

MOIRA: Wands up!

(CROWD GASPS)

(PAULA LAUGHS)

MAN: What?

(CROWD CHEERING)

(CHITTERING)

(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)

(ELECTRICITY BUZZING)

MACKENZIE: Gary!

AGNES: Wait! We're not done yet.

Good morning, Motherland!

No, I don't think I'm shouting.
Hold, please.

Why don't we kick things off
with something a bit more groovy today?

Take it away.

Now, I told you this wasn't a fairy tale,
but that was only half true.

In the end, Eleanor got hers all right.

Only it wasn't anything like
she'd read in those books.

And that was a good thing.

We weren't just old.
We'd become old-fashioned.

There are those who might say...
(CLEARS THROAT)

I had spent my whole life
believing in fairy tales.

Well, now I believe in them
more than ever.

It's just that they come
in all different shapes and sizes.

Just like us. And thanks to
our newly patented approach

of, "Forget ever after,
just live happily," we've been busy.

AGNES: Eleanor! Wand up, kid.
We've still got a lotta work to do.

(CLEARS THROAT) Fairies...

(POP MUSIC PLAYING)

(GIGGLES)