Goddess of Love (1988) - full transcript

Boyle, God of the Sun,
patron of truth,

the charges.

Aphrodite.

With apologizes
dear father Zeus, you know
I like to be called Venus.

Venus.

Sometimes known as Aphrodite
goddess of love.

Daughter of Zeus and Hera.

You’re charged as follows.

You’re given in wedlock
to Hephaestus.

ZEUS: The blacksmith God.

But you rejected this union,



and sought forbidden
comfort in others.

Hephaestus was not my choice.

ZEUS: I will continue.

Further Venus,

you sought and received
the affections of three mortals.

All of whom perished.

A series of coincidences.

Must I be blamed for everything?

It is further alleged,

that you gave Helen of Sparta
to Paris of Troy.

But they were in love.

MAN 1: It started
the Trojan war.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

ZEUS: Silence!

You have long sat among your
peers as goddess of love,



but it is quite clear
that you have no idea
of the meaning of love.

The council has spoken,

banishment.

ALL: Banish, yes, banish.

But, father.

[THUNDER CLAPS]

[BREEZE BLOWING]

Will she never return
from this exile?

Perhaps... Someday...

She’ll return when she has won
the heart of a man.

I know my daughter
she’ll do it.

And prove that she can keep
his love without killing him.

Could be a problem.

[CAMERAS FLASHING]

GUIDE: The Romans
called her Venus,

the Greeks called her Aphrodite,

but everyone called her
the Goddess of Love.

She was the daughter of Zeus,

and the enchanting trouble maker
who started the Trojan war.

No picture taking, please.

The museum prefers you buy
their postcards instead.

You know, the artist
who sculpted this particular
Venus is mysteriously unknown.

But because of the
spectacular craftsmanship

and great antiquities,

it’s impossible to put
a price on her.

Suffice it to say
she’s undoubtedly the most
expensive lady in town.

[EVERYONE CHUCKLE]

[BELL DINGING]

Closing time.

The gift shop will be open
for another half hour.

MAN 2: Excuse me, Miss.

How come the Greeks
and Romans used the same Gods?

GUIDE: Well, let’s remember
it was closer to the beginning
of time.

So, there might not have
been enough people
for two sets of Gods.

Actually there’s a wonderful
book in the gift shop...

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

Fifteen minutes
and 40 seconds
to finish step one.

Let’s not keep
the lady waiting.

Ted it’s me Jimmy.
How could you possibly say no?

Ow! You stabbed me.

TED: Well, stop aggravating
the person with the scissors.

My hand to God,

this is the last favor
I’ll ever ask you for.

No more last favors
especially not this one.

What’s the big deal?
Cathy’s in San Francisco.

Jimmy...

This is a wedding ring.

Saturday, it starts living
on Cathy’s finger.

I’m officially retired
from active duty.

That’s Saturday,
this is tonight,

you still have plenty
of time before they
put you in moth balls.

[HURT] Hey.

You know, it took me
six months to lay the ground
work with Brenda.

If I don’t come up
with a date for Debbie...

Debbie? The actress?

Didn’t you fix her up
with Chuck recently?

They only had a little
misunderstanding.

Huh, Chuck had to hideout
in Santa Barbara for a month.

She’s completely different now.

She doesn’t carry mace anymore.

And she did a commercial,
she’s feeling much better
about herself.

Great, then she won’t mind
being alone tonight.

Now, look.

Ted,

I don’t wanna be the kind
of guy who waves old
obligations at a friend’s face.

But?
What about
Lisa Miller?

And what about the Twins?

The twins? You have the nerve
to mention the twins again?

And, Cynthia?

The campus sweet-heart?

I thought we closed
the book on Cynthia.

One more page.

And we’re even.

Let’s go.

Okay, okay.

Come on, come on.

Careful.

All right, all right.

[UPBEAT DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

This is a mistake.

Ted, relax.

You’re gonna
have a great time.

Great cheek Brenda,
stop by the table later.

Jimmy, I’m getting married
Saturday, why did you
bring me here?

I’m gonna tell you
exactly why
I brought you here.

Because you’re
getting married
Saturday.

I don’t belong within
the mile of this place.

I’m afraid of Cathy.

She’s in San Francisco.
How’s she gonna find out?

I mean, if a tree falls
in a forest, and Cathy
doesn’t see it, did it fall?

I’m gonna
tell her it fell.

Honesty has no place
in a good relationship.

[SNICKERS] The expert.

You bet your hight top,
look at you,
one good relationship.

Me? I average
40 maybe 50 a year.

Hi, Teddy, when you gonna
give me that body perm
you promised?

Hi, Debbie, just drop by
the salon, Alphonso will
take care of you.

Bag Alphonso!
I want you.

I don’t do body
perms anymore.

Man’s got one foot
in the grave.

Jimmy, I’m not dying,
I’m just getting married.

You know, those words
have been listed as synonyms
in the dictionary.

Gentleman.

Our guest of honor
has flown his last mission.

[HOOT TOGETHER]

Let the bachelor
party begin.

Couldn’t you've picked
a classier place maybe
female mud-wrestling?

You know we went there
when Buddy Miller got married.

It’s great stuff to watch
but if you dance too close
to one of the contestants,

you got have your
whole suit dry-cleaned.

Excuse me guys, I promised
Cathy I’d call her at 8:30.

[BOOING]

Ted doesn’t seem
to be having fun yet.

Don’t worry,
he’s going to.

Hi, Thor.
How’s the old hammer?

[GIGGLES]

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

Hey, Charlie.

You’ve got Venus
in the shop?

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

Watch the kerb,
this thing weighs a ton.

No more, monuments.

After this we’re going
back to jewelery.

The next right.

[TIERS SCREECHING]

[SIREN BLARING]

Slow down!

Yeah? Tell that to the cops.

[SIREN BLARING]

WOMAN ON PA:
Dr. Harvard, Dr. Cathy Harvard,

please pick up
the house phone.

CATHY: Hello?

TED:
You’re having fun
at the convention?

How can you have fun
with 400 other psychologist?

If you say Good morning,
they try to figure out
what you really mean.

Then you’re having as good
a time as I am.

What’s wrong I thought you
were having dinner with Jimmy?

That’s what I thought that too

but somehow I managed to walk
into my own bachelor party.

Leave it to Jimmy! I didn’t even
know people did things like
that anymore.

It’s all been updated, I think
the striper’s gonna jump
out of a giant quiche.

CATHY:
I love you, Ted.

Thanks, I, needed that.

Can I get you anything?

Debbie please I’m talking
on the phone.

I think if we go out there cook
a little, we may go back to
my place and burn the mood.

I can’t. I can't.

You can’t what?
Ted, is something wrong?

All right, you caught me.

I picked up your grandmother’s
ring from the jewelers.

How does it look?

Looks great. But I think they
took out two inches of gold
to bring it down to size six.

How big was granny?

CATHY:
We were always supposed
to call her big boned.

I can’t wait till Saturday
to slip it under your finger.

My finger can’t wait either.

How about the rest of you?

Stop it, Ted.

I have a full day of seminars
tomorrow, how do you expect
me to concentrate?

I love you. [KISSES]

Me too. See you tomorrow
night. [KISSES]

Debbie, we have to talk.

TED: No, I...

BURGLAR 1: A disco?

Just put it over there.

BURGLAR 2: Easy for you to say.

This is no rag doll here.

How about giving me a hand?

What do you want?
Disability?

Are you sure
this is gonna work?

What are you
worried about?

This is the perfect spot
to stash it.

All these dummies
look alike.

Besides, it’s only overnight.
Till the heat’s off.

Huh.

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

She’s cold.

Big deal, so is my ex-wife.

Let’s finish up.

You mean,
you won’t even
frost my tips?

Every now and then
for old times sake?

Debbie.

Hey, hey hey.

Look who I found.

Do you remember
Rusty and Dusty?

TOGETHER: Hi, Ted.

By this time
tomorrow night,

you’ll be on your way
to South America

and I’ll finally
have a pension plan.

I hope she
likes papayas.

TED: The twins.
You’re a madman.

JIM: I thought we had
a great time with them.

TED: Do you remember
what it was like

spending a night
with them in that cave?

But why can’t I penetrate
your brain?

It’s very simple.

Boy, girl.

Wedding ring.

Finger.

Married.

[THUNDERCLAP]

HERA:
Here all my
husbands, Zeus.

It is the moment
of destiny for our
daughter Venus.

So be it.

[BUZZING]

[THUNDERCLAP]

Okay, I hear you,
you’re a one woman man.

Personally doesn’t work for me
but whatever makes you happy.

Now if you’d excuse me,

I’ve to get back inside
and start taking some
of the slack.

No, wait for me, one last
drink with the guys can’t hurt.

Good, we’ll talk
about sports.

Ugh.

Slipped on like butter.

I don’t believe this.

This is crazy.

Are you coming or not?

I’m gonna
get the manager.

JIM: I don’t need this.

TED: I get the ring,
it gets stuck,
he’s talking twins.

JIM: Thought the twins
were cute

what do you mean you
don’t like their hair?

[TINKLING]

[THUNDERCLAP]

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

[SIGHING]

Could this be Mount Olympus?

ZEUS:
No, my daughter.

Father.

ZEUS:
You’re in a place
called the City of the Angles.

Then I’ve crossed over
to the other world.

ZEUS:
Here, Venus,
my errant daughter,

after 3000 years you may
at last have won a heart.

[RUMBLING]

I’m most grateful my father.

But why am I in this place?
And not on Mount Olympus?

Before you can sit again
amongst the Gods,

you must prove that fully
understand the nature of love.

This is your last chance
to show that you deserve
to be the Goddess of Love.

Fail not.

Or be imprisoned in stone
for all eternity.

[RUMBLING]

Look it’s just
right over here.

Common, Ted, I know all
my statues I don’t have one
like that.

And I know what I saw.

That’s bizarre.

It was right here.

So, a statue walked
out on you?

Maybe you should try
a different cologne.

I put my ring on
the statue’s finger.

Look, I’ve got the rites
of spring going on inside,

if a statue with a ring
on it shows up, I’ll call you.

I don’t care
about the statue.

But that ring’s been
in my fiancee family for years.

Got it. So I’ll throw out
the statue and hold the ring.

TED: There’s a diamond
in the middle

and two little diamonds
and emerald on either side.

The statue had diamond
in the middle.

No, not the statue, the ring.
I don’t care about the statue.

Then why did you
give it a ring?

Did you see this alleged...

I was at the front of
the building sending two live
Goddesses home in a taxi early.

POLICE MAN: Okay.

I have what I need
if we come up with anything,
we’ll let you know.

Any chance,
I’ll have the ring
back by say tomorrow?

Sure.

All we have to do is wait
for the statue to make
a mistake.

Littering, jaywalking,
you name it.

Then we arrest it
and grab your ring.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Hey Jimmy, wanna stop
and get a burger?

I don’t want food.

What’s one night
to a stud like you?

Six months of planning
for a 47 minute date,

the cab driver probably
had a better time than I did.

What cosmic urge possessed
you to tell Rusty and Dusty
you’re getting married?

I just didn’t feel
like taking advantage.

[IMITATES TED] I just didn’t
feel like taking advantage.

Couldn’t you take
a little advantage?

Like till eleven o’ clock?

Look, so you lost one
lousy night in heaven.

I lost an irreplaceable
wedding ring.

[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING]

[TIERS SCREECH]

JIM: Jeez!

What was that?

Bad driving.

Something just floated
across the road.

It was your guilty conscience
trying to change the subject.

You really owe me,
we could’ve gone to the moon
with those babes.

Take me home.

[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING]

My beloved.

Huh?

I am Venus,
daughter of Zeus.

3000 years I’ve lain
entranced in slumber

And now the loving touch
of a mortal hand
has called me from my rest.

Your hand has placed this ring
upon my finger has it not?

My ring!

I’ll give Jimmy for this.

I don’t know how he whipped up
this prank so fast.

Just give me the ring
and I’ll tell him
he did a terrific job.

Here’s a little bonus.

For a great performance.

Thou has princely qualities.

You immortals do not deem
yourself worthy of a Goddess.

Your gesture is kind.

But by this symbol,

you have given
yourself to me.

You’re mine and I am yours.

What a quaint abode.

Where does thou slumber?

Look, lady, this is getting
a little out of hand.

If you don’t give me
the ring and clear out

I’m gonna have
to call the cops.

I can see that you do not
believe that I’m Venus,
Goddess of Love.

Don’t feel bad.

I don’t buy
the tooth fairy either.

[THUNDERCLAP]

[CHANTING VOICES]

You don’t even know Jimmy,
do you?

Together you and I will dwell
for eternity on Mount Olympus.

Eternity sounds great,
don’t get me wrong,

it’s just that it takes up
so much of your time.

Besides, I have my own plans.

You love another?

Oh, no, no.

If so I shall crush her.

Crush her?

[BUZZING]

Crush her.

Oh!

Now are you ready
for our destiny
on Mount Olympus?

Mount Olympus?

I don’t know about that.

You’re a mountain girl,
I’m a city boy,
I get nose bleeds.

You speak words,
but they’re confusing.

Do you seek
to escape me?

Of course not,
it’s my horoscope.

It says I shouldn’t travel
for the next six months.

You people are into
astrology, right?

Once more I ask,

are you prepared to fulfill
the troth you have plighted?

[SNIFFS]

[SNIFFS]

Great perfume.

I don’t understand.

Perfume, it’s something
you put on to smell good.

I put nothing
on to smell good.

You smell this
good naturally?

All Goddess do.

Look...

Venus.

Any red-blooded
American mortal

would give his eye-teeth
to go back to Greece with you.

But I’m not the kind
of guy who gets his
troth plighted everyday.

All I want is a little time
to adjust, okay?

Very well, you shall
have your time.

I take leave of you now.

Great, I’ll show you out.

You’ll need
some light.

I wouldn’t want you to fall
and break anything.

[TWINKLING]

[SNIFFS]

[VENUS CHUCKLES]

[STRUGGLING]

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

[BLOWING]

[BURST]

Don’t worry, it's good
for your hands too.

Now, I’m gonna
be very careful.

But I gotta have
that ring back.

[CLANGING]

[TED GROANS]

[UPBEAT MUSIC CONTINUES]

[MOTOR WHIRRING]

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

[GROANS]

Coming.

Who is it?

Detective Charles,
Police Department.

[KNOCKING]

Coming.

Yes.

Detective Charles,
Police Department.

Yes.

Ted Beckman?

Right.

About your lost
ring report.

Any leads?
Nope.

But this statue thing
has got us real curious,
mind if I come in?

Manager of the Pleasure Garden
said he never had a statue
like the one you described.

But yesterday afternoon
a statue has disappeared
from the museum very valuable.

Here’s a picture.

Look familiar?

Why didn’t you see it
on the news last night?

I was pretty busy
with something
when I got home.

I can believe it.

Haven’t even changed
your clothes.

I’ve been working on a pet
project in the living room.

The time just whizzed by.

Yeah? It must
be some job.

All these tools.

You know, I... I’m kind
of a handyman myself,
I would love to have a peek.

Uh, it isn’t finished.

You know what I mean,
being a handyman yourself.

So, what about the statue?

What about it?

Is that the same statue
you saw last night
at the Pleasure Gardens?

I think the one I saw
was a little shorter.

The light wasn’t too good.

VENUS: Beloved.

It’s... my assistant.

On the project.

VENUS: I’m waiting...

I always heard that you
hair guys did all right.

Call me if you get
anymore information.

I’ll do the same.

Oh.

And,

be careful
with your tools.

Who was that person?

He’s a cop.

Cop?

A centurion.

He wanted to know if I knew
where you were.

Where were you?

Between here and there.

Wherever Zeus commands.

One minute you’re hard
as a rock and the next you’re...

Very soft and warm
and stolen property.

Plus, you’re making me
crazy because you won’t
give me my ring back.

Thus last evening you tried
taking it by force
thinking I was unaware.

You knew? Did I hurt you?

Not half the hurt you bring me
now by demanding the ring.

You gave it to me
did you not?

That was a mistake
it belongs to Cathy?

Belongs to a Cathy?

You do love another.

Then I must crush her.

My sister, Cathy’s my sister,
it’s her ring.

And you can’t go around
crushing people, nice girls
don’t do that.

Look you obviously come
from a good family,

there must be a 1000 Gods
after a girl like you.

Alas, no.

The good ones are either wed
or have other pursuits.

Really?

I guess somethings
never change.

You will be my
own special God.

You know,
a girl like you,

is stooping way down
to marry a guy like me.

I mean, who’s gonna come
to the wedding of a Goddess
and a guy who cuts hair?

Have no fear,

no one declines an invitation
from Zeus whether it be
for a wedding or an execution.

I can hear Zeus now, "Neptune,
like you to meet my son-in-law,
the hairstylist."

How’s that gonna look
at the Mount Olympus Gazette?
They’ll be laughing at Zeus.

No one laughs at Zeus.

Twice.

Trust me, if you saw
what I do for a living,

you would know exactly
what a mistake you’re making.

Then let me see for myself
that I might decide.

There’s no way I'm gonna
let you near my salon.

And that’s that.

Okay, but you gotta do
exactly what I say.

Trust me.

What is this?

It’s my car.

I mean, well,
it’s like a chariot.

Oh.

Where are your horses?

Under the hood.

They are very tiny
but this chariot has more
than a 150 of them.

Ah.

Well, let’s get your
seat belt on.

Thank you, Mortal.

You can call me Ted.

[SAXOPHONE MUSIC PLAYING]

One towel for the two of them?
Sheesh.

MANAGER: Look I already
went over this
with Detective Charles.

We, the police,
are very through.

Isn’t that right,
Officer Mikla?

Yeah, yeah.

Believe me,
I have no statue of Venus.

I never had a statue of Venus.

That guy Ted Beckman
is the only one who says
he saw it.

Didn’t you talk
to him yet?

Ted Beckman?

Oh, yeah, sure.

Ted Beckman,
he’s our next stop.

My cousin Mercury
would’ve loved this.

He would not have had to
be on his winged feet all day.

Unleaded?

What is this unleaded?

It’s like...

It’s food for the little
horses under the hood.

How about some music?

Aw, you would sing for me!

Not me, my radio.

[PEPPY SONG PLAYING]

[CLEARS THROAT]

Now look, when people start
showing up you have to do
exactly what I say.

Yes, mortal.

I mean, Ted.

[BUZZING]

Nice touch.

Locks are such a bother.

VENUS: What is this?

This place looks like
some sort of torture chamber.

Depends whose
chair you’re in.

Come here.

There, see.

Not exactly a place
where a God would hang out.

I don’t know a little manure
on the floor and Hephaestus
would be right at home.

TED: Now go over in the corner
and act like a statue.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

I certainly hope you didn’t
pay too much for this.

[CHUCKLES]

You know those flee markets
can be such a rip off.

Even the shades don’t help.

I think it’s kinda
sensitive.

[RUMBLING]

[SCREAMS]

[GLASS CLATTERING]

Why don’t you get my afternoon
schedule so we can go over it?

So you’re not in agree
with my taste in art.

Is that any reason for you
to bring me at stake?

Maddy, clean up.

[VENUS LAUGHS]

Thanks.

For um...

Getting rid of him.

[RUMBLING]

Mrs. Wilson you have me
at a disadvantage here.

My hands are full.

Yes, I know they’re full,

of all the wrong things.

Hold on.

But...

Ted you didn’t do the back.

Of course I didn’t,
highlighting the back makes
a woman look older,

I wanna keep
you looking 28.

Go knock your socks off.

Lisa.

Put Mrs. Wilson on
a 12 minute timer.

You were supposed to stay
still and watch me work.

You’re promised to me.

That woman was caressing you.

You wants you to look
under her hood.

Occupational hazard.

You encourage her by
working too closely.

I can’t work on her
from across the room.

I can.

Please, get back in place.

If you wanna see what I do
you’ve got to stay still.

Ted your twelve
o’ clock is here.

What will it be?

Just a little trim.

Around the edges.

That’s it?

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

For now.

TED: Good night.

ALPHONSO: Good night, Ted.
And don’t forget to lock up.

Okay, you can relax now.

My brother Apollos spends
a great deal of time in the sun.

He would appreciate
these shades.

You want ’em?
You got ’em.

I’ll ship you a whole
box of ’em.

Now, if you would just
give me my ring back,

you could probably still
catch the Red Eye to Athens.

I mean you’ve seen what I do
and it’s obvious I'm not a guy
the Gods need hanging around.

Not true, Ted,
my friend Medusa could
really use your help.

I don’t do snakes.

And I don’t belong
with the Gods.

Venus, I’m just a mortal.

Just a mortal who can
harness the wind.

It’s only a machine.

You’re too modest.

You’re truly a God
in your right.

Zeus would be delighted.

And when we go home
and when you meet Zeus,

take your
wind-maker with you.

It’ll knock his sandles off.

I have no special power.

See?

The electric company down
the street they have the power.

Anyone can blow-dry,
you wanna try?

Be bold, believe in yourself.

It is time to yield.

Fine, you yield,
give me my ring.

I cannot.

It is the charm that called
me from my long sleep.

Look I’ve gotta pick
up my sister at the airport
with or without the ring.

I will come.

Not a good idea.
I need sometime alone
with her to explain things.

I will explain.

Okay, okay, you wait here
I just have to go in the back
and lock up.

Now you’re being
more sensible.

Anything for a visiting royalty.

Yeah!

[MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING]

[SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING]

[SIGHING]

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

[THUD]

It’s gone.

Sooner or later
he’s gonna trip.

It’s our statue,
we stole it.

Common.

ANNOUNCER:
Flight 29
from San Fransisco

now arriving at gate 11.

TED:
Cathy about the ring,

it’s got a small scratch.

But the jeweler said
if we let him soak it for
a few more days it’ll buff out.

No.

It feel down the sink.

And you know plumbers,
he won’t be here until Tuesday.

Yes. That’s it.

The sink.

CATHY: Ted, Ted.

CATHY: Hi, Honey.
Hi.

[KISSES]

Better to be home.
And how!

Well?

Well, what?

Ted, I’m dying
to see the ring.

I don’t have it.

I mean, I don’t have it with
me, of course I have it.

But I thought it was bad luck
for the bride to see the ring
before the ceremony.

It’s the groom seeing
the bride that’s bad luck.

But I don’t believe
in all that.

You know Cathy
in no time at all that ring

will be living
on this finger.

CATHY: Aunt Julia’s guest list
is as big as the Yellow Pages.

I think we’re up to 200.

Great.

200 people at my wedding
and six of whom
I know personally.

It’s not that I don't
appreciate Aunt Julia,

I just wish she’d stop
calling me that hair person.

It’s just that she'd
always wanted me
to marry a professional.

Her favorite ex-husband
was a doctor.

Yeah well, a hair person
is more than a doctor,

he’s a psychiatrist
with a comb.

I love you, Ted.

[THUNDERCLAP]

[RUMBLING]

[THUNDERCLAP]

Ted?

What about
the rest of me?

Just wait till
I get you home.

I’ve only known you for a year
but it’s like we've been
together for a lifetime.

I feel like we’re
brother and sister.

[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING]

ANNOUNCER:
The white
zone is for the loading

and unloading
of passengers only.

No parking.

Have you been
eating chocolate?

Just a little.

A little? You know
it makes you crazy.

Okay, okay, I’d a whole
chocolate crumble.

ANNOUNCER:
The white zone
is for the loading...

Taxi!

Where’s your car?

Taxi. You heard ’em.

No parking
in the white zone.

They towed me away.

Why can’t I wait
for you to get the car?

You’re tired.
You need rest.

You go home.
I’ll call you later.

Tomorrow we’ll
have lunch.

I love you.

ANNOUNCER:
The white
zone is for the loading
and unloading

of passengers only. No parking.

VENUE: Sister, my toga.

Cathy is your love.

I was gonna tell you.

So naturally, you left Venus
flatly in your Heads Up Salon.

You’re mad. You're not gonna
start crushing are you?

No.

No?

Why bother?

No mortal woman can
compete with Venus.

You will choose me.

Do you mind?

This chariot only
requires one driver.

I am fascinated
by the colors that adorn
the faces of your women.

Perhaps, your magical fingers
will touch my face with
those colors.

Why should I?

Because you lied to me
and now you must do
something nice.

Hey!

[SKIDDING]

Do the Gods have
a word for nag?

The Gods have a word
for everything.

And I will teach your
tongue to savor.

All of them.

[PHONE RINGING]

Hello?

TED:
Cathy?

Who’s this?

What do you mean
who’s this?
This is Ted.

Oh, hi.

Why didn’t you pick me up
at the airport?

CATHY:
Instead you sent
some raving lunatic
I hope I never see him again.

I’m sorry Honey,
I’ve been getting a lot
of pressure lately.

Come over and have lunch
tomorrow, okay?

Okay.

But it better be the real Ted.

I love you.

[WHISPERS] Remember
that night in the cab?

Cathy what if someone’s
listening?

Let them get their own girl.

[KISSES]

How long must I wait
in your chariot?

That looking glass
is a bother.

Yeah, all right, we are
going to my place.

But for once,
I’m calling the shots.

Shots?

Don’t worry.
You won’t be sorry.

I just want you to put
yourself in my hands.

Hm, now you speak
my language.

Common.

VENUS: When might I look?

TED: Just a second.

Almost finished.

Just keep your eyes closed.

You have a gentle touch.

You’re truly an artist.

You have the bone structure.

[MYSTICAL MUSIC CRESCENDO]

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

Stay right here,
don’t move a muscle.

Your mascara will run
and you’ll ruin the rug.

JIM: Ted it’s your pal.

Oh, not Jimmy.

Hey, Ted.

I just wanted to tell you
I feel real bad
about last night.

I know I pushed
it real too hard.

I mean for God sakes,
you’re an engaged guy.

It’s okay,
Jimmy, thanks.

I’ll talk to you tomorrow.

Here I am supposedly your
best friend pushing you
in the arms of twin bimbos,

when you obviously wanna
save yourself for marriage.

I got it.

Cathy’s here,
couldn’t wait, huh?

Hi, Cathy, welcome back.

Cathy is not here.

You sly devil.

You give me all that crud about
being loyal to your fiancee.

Then on the night she comes
back you got this major action
right in your own house.

It’s not how it looks.
I was doing an emergency
makeover on this lady.

Sure, I get it, emergency.

Now, you’re a pair
of cosmetic.

How about...

Introducing me to this
magnificent creature?

Jimmy Manning,
this is Venus.

She’s from Greece.

I used to go out
with a Greek girl.

Her name was Irena Papadapolis.

Did you know her?

I think her family was
from Crete.

You’re some kinda gorgeous.

Is this person
your friend?

Friend?
I’m Ted's brother.

Practically.

Your family gets
bigger and bigger.

Jimmy.

Jimmy.

I have to talk to you.

We’ll be right back.

Don’t go away doll.

You ain’t seen
nothing yet.

I’ve seen enough to put
you in a certain amount
of jeopardy.

She’s incredible. I've never
met a woman like that before.

Yeah, you said it pal
and you’d be better of if you
never saw her again.

You’re getting married
to Cathy in a couple of days.
Jimmy...

That poor girl
will be all alone.
Jimmy.

Let me least give her
my phone number.

Will you listen to me?

Did you notice the ring
on her finger?

I thought I saw that ring
before that’s Cathy's.

You are out
of your mind.

First you fake losing your
fiancee ring then you
give it to this chick.

God, talk about
living on the edge.

I wasn’t faking.

Remember last night
where I put the ring?

Yeah, yeah, on the statue.

That’s her.

Venus, the Goddess of Love.

Somehow that ring
made her come to life.

Now, she wants to take me
back to Mount Olympus, forever.

Okay, I get the picture.

You don’t wanna talk.

Give me a call.

I do not like him.

He reminds me of my
ex-husband Hephaestus.

Do you like to put more
colors on my face?

Look let’s not get off
the track here.

You seem like
a reasonable Goddess.

If you’re going to make
that tedious request for
that ring again I’ll not listen.

I must rest now.

I’ve had some day.

And please do not
operate the television
so loudly this night.

I’m weary of listening
to teenage boys,

singing about
going to drive silly.

Wait a minute.

There are a couple of things
we’ve got to straighten out.

[RUMBLING]

It’s like talking to a wall.

BURGLAR 1: You hit the mailbox.

So?

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

Sleeping in, huh?

Probably exhausted from two
days of tearing my heart out.

Excuse me, Sir,
can I ask you a question?

I think I’m lost.

Yeah, sure.

I’m looking for a 142.

But I don’t seem to see
a 142 on this block.

142 huh?

Let’s see the Coopers
are 156.

[ENTHRALLING MUSIC PLAYING]

Take my money.

I’m not a common criminal.

Now, my partner and I
would like to have a little
talk with you.

Towards the van, move.

Get in.

I know you.

I never forget a head.

You heard the man,
move your butt.

Take anything you want
nobody’s gonna stop you.

This ain’t about what you
got in your pocket.

This is about art.

Stolen art.

Stuff this in your yap.

My yap?

Common, shove it in there.

Why?

’Cause cries for mercy
upset me.

[LAUGHING]

[TIRES SCREECHES]

[RUMBLING]

Ted?

Where are you?

Ted?

Ted?

Sister, my foot.

[MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING]

Very well.

If this is what
pleases him.

These mortals leave nothing
to the imagination.

[ENTHRALLING MUSIC PLAYING]

You guys crazy?

What do you want from me?

Satisfaction.

You make me sick.

Was it the hair cut?

I can fix it.

We want our statue back.

Your statue?

Right. We heisted it
legitimately from the museum.

Then you ripped us off.

I didn’t rip off anything.

Oh, yeah sure, it just
followed you home.

Is that what you want?
Venus?

Where’d you stash her?

We want her right now.

Now’s not a good time.

She’s in my house.

But I’ve very
nosy neighbors.

Do it tonight, late.

When your neighbors’ nose
are in their pillows.

But if you’re lying...

[GUN CLICKS]
You’ll be a statue.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

[BUZZES]

[MUSIC TEMPO INCREASES]

[VENUS SINGING]

I require unleaded food
for my horses.

Now?

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

[DANCE MUSIC CONTINUES]

[DANCE MUSIC CONTINUES]

[DANCE MUSIC CONTINUES]

[DANCE MUSIC CONTINUES]

I can’t confirm you Mrs...

He’s not even in yet.

I can’t stay much longer,
I came in here for an hour
and a half.

I do his comb out.

I’m not his keeper.

[SHOUTING]

WOMAN: Ted.

Expect to come
in at three, Mrs. Codger.

[INDISTINCT CHATTERING]

Ladies, ladies, ladies.

You can all get
what coming to you.

Please sit down
and wait a moment.

WOMAN: You know
how long I’ve been here?

You look like you’ve been
involved in some sort of
physical activity.

I trust it was with Cathy.

Is she here yet?

You don’t see her, do you?

So, it wasn’t with Cathy,
Teddy?

You’re like you're having
a mid life crisis, early.

I’m taking her to lunch.

You’re going to lunch?

Do you realize how much hair
you’ve backed up here?

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

[INAUDIBLE]

[CHUCKLES]

So, tomorrow’s the big
wedding, hm?

Interested in a last minute
fling with an experienced...

Slightly older woman?

I’d must do your hair
otherwise I’d never forgive
myself.

We wouldn’t wanna
do that, would we?

Alphonso, finish up,
Mrs. Wilson, will you?

Thank you.

Am I not welcome here?

Sure, you are
but let’s talk privately.

That sounds promising.

Look, I brought
you gifts.

A power neck tie from
a yuppie store.

And...

And tasty morsels.

Look.

Something tells me
my friends in Rome
will adore them.

I wonder if they
all travel well.

Well, my car’s okay.

It’s not even
paid for yet.

How did you
get it started?

We on Mount Olympus
do not depend on the electric
company down the street.

How else was I supposed
to excite those unseen horses?

Oh, yes,

this is yours.

And guess what?

The nice woman in the store
said that all of your plastic
is over the limit.

Is that not wonderful?

Your hair’s a mess from driving
my chariot, let’s get it fixed
up like we did with the colors.

If it pleases you.

What’s this?

Emergency washing set.

There’s nothing available.

I’ll work it out.

Not too much water,
Mrs. Feeney.

It’s time for your set, I've
given my personal instructions
you’re gonna look great.

If you say so, but...

We have much nicer
cleansing foutains...

She needs lots of water,
four or five shampoos
and at least two cream rinses.

I have to leave for
an appointment, Alphonso
will set you hair.

I’ll come back
and do the crowing touches.

Oh, boy, we don’t
want it to rust.

CATHY: Hi!

Thank God, you’re here.

I missed you too, Alphonso.

I think he’s losing it.

Get him out of here
before he turns them
into an angry mob.

He was a little strange
at the airport last night
I thought it was the chocolate.

Cathy, just in time,
I’m starved.

The emergency washing set,
give her the full Garden
of Eden Special.

And take care of things
till I get back.

[CHUCKLES]
I’ll read the menu.

Common dear.

I stopped by Aunt Julia’s house
this morning and everything
is set up for the wedding.

Flowers are being delivered
on noon tomorrow and...

Ted?

Ted?

What sweetheart?

Have you heard
a word I’ve said?

Of course.

We were discussing Aunt Julia’s
flower garden.

Pre-wedding jitters?

I guess so.

Ted, are you okay?

I can always call in a favor
and get you a session
with Dr. Fisher.

Please, Cathy,
Dr. Fisher is a nut.

All Dr. Fisher’s patients
think he’s a nut.

Is being married to you
going to be life on the couch?

Only if there’s going
to be big log on the fire.

Why don’t I come
over tonight?

We can practice making sparks.

I have some people
coming by for a business
transaction but...

It’s a great thought.

Well, tomorrow afternoon
the ring will be on my finger

and it’ll be all over.

The ring.

Boy is it gonna be all over.

VENUS: This substance
you’ve applied makes me feel
like my face is shrinking.

You know what they say?

No pain, no gain.

Another minute and your pores
will be singing Hozana to the
skill of Alphonso in Howdy.

Can you feel the magic?

Oh, my God.

You’ve made me look
like Hades.

Relax sweet thing.

You’re going to destroy
all of my hard work.

Maddie, bring this thing
a cafe au lait on the double.

Thank you.

Aww.

Now back to work.

Love you,
call you later.

[CACOPHONY]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

POLICE: Come on, let’s go.

ALPHONSO: Teddy, Teddy.

Your emergency washing set,

did not appreciate
the cafe au lait.

She was all red out of
zillion degrees Fahrenheit.

And suddenly she said
something about Zeus,

and the whole place went up.

Christ.

That’s an understatement.

Was anyone hurt?

No, thank God.

But there was at least three
unexpected flames.

And the lady?

She just floated
out of here.

Got into your car.

And she shot through
the parking lot backwards.

Hello, Mr. Beckman.

Small world, eh?

Not another do-it-yourself
project I hope?

How bad is it?

Well, I’ve never seen
anything quite like it.

Every single circuit
overloaded at the same time.

Burned out all
your equipment.

Which is like lightning
strike took place.

Beats me.

ALPHONSO: That witch come
into this shop again,
I’m outta here.

I don’t care
who her father is.

I offer him eternity.

Is that such a crime?

Some guys just don’t know
a good thing when they see it.

If he does not come to
Mount Olympus with me,

My father Zeus would say
I failed at love again,

and he would turn me
to stone forever.

That’s heavy.

My old man knocked us around.

But stone?

I’ll have another
rainy day, Wallie.

RADIO:
The police are being
tight-lipped about the daring
museum theft

in which someone walked off
with the statue of Venus,
Goddess of Love.

All Detective Edwin Charles
would say is that they’re close
to a breakthrough

[KNOCK AT DOOR]
in this
million dollar art theft.

Meanwhile...

JIM: Ted. Hey, in su casa?

Thanks for coming by
so quickly.

De nada
, I I knew all along
you’d come to your senses.

I mean you’re getting
married tomorrow.

So of course, your gonna hand
over any superfluous female
action to your oldest

and dearest friend.

That isn’t why I called,
and she isn’t here.

Damn and I popped three
bucks for the tacos.

She might be back.

But it’s not guarantee
she’ll give me the ring.

If she got say kidnapped
I still won’t have the ring.

You gotta help me out.

Easy big fellow.

Jimmy, I’m begging you,
you don’t know what's been
going on. Please.

What’s to know?
My friend’s in trouble.

Stressing dulls you,
just tell Jimmy what
you want him to do.

Here’s a picture
of Cathy’s ring.

Find a jeweler,
any jeweler.

Who can make
a cheap copy
by tomorrow.

Just to get me through
the ceremony.

I worry about getting the real
ring after I’m married.

JIM: Sounds simple enough.

Plain gold band, center diamond,
two little diamonds,
and an emerald on either side.

You’re saving my life.

TED: They’re here.

JIM: Who’s here?

[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING]

Jimmy, you’re my buddy right?

JIM: What’s going on?

[MOTOR SPLUTTERING]

[WALKIE TALKIE TALKING]

Just promise me,
you’ll carry your driver's
license from now on.

You’re not from LA are you?

Hardly.

And no more drinkie winkies
when you go into driving.

A sensible rule.

And I shall tell Bacchus.

He always
pours too freely.

You’re so kind and gentle
for a gladiator.

I adore physically
active men.

You may go now.

[MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER ON RADIO]

What happened?
Where’s my car?

Wallie is my friend.

Wallie?

Wallie would not
let me drive home.

Olympic bar and grill.

It seemed an inappropriate
spot and it was.

Wallie cares about me.

You left me in that terrible
place of pain and humiliation.

See what your Alphonso
did to me?

It’s not so bad.

You’ve turned my life
into a shambles.

Why can’t I convince you?

My charms are more dazzling
than any you could imagine.

I’m convinced, I think
you are a major dish.

JIM: Even like this.

Wanna taco?

You’re hanging
by a mere thread.

[RUMBLING]

I must have your answer soon
the Gods grow angry.

[THUNDERCLAP]

BURGLAR 1: I thought
he was supposed
to be alone.

Who’s that blonde?

And why does she
have police protection?

Just be cool.

Maybe she’s a pro.

The cops are running a little
escort service on the side.

I’m telling you, Mac.

He set us up again.

Now we better
get out of here.

It would be nuts
to call the cops.

They’d find the hot
statue at his house.

We got a million green
rectangular reasons
to hang tough.

Those two choir boys
saw a blonde come in,

they better see
a blonde go out.

Otherwise they’re not gonna
come in and pick up
their trophy.

JIM: You weren’t kidding,
she is Venus.

[WHISTLES]

Poor Zeus,
Venus was a hell-raiser.

You know how kids
can be sometimes.

For punishment, Zeus gave her
in wedlock to his son Hephaestus
the blacksmith God.

Leave it to Zeus.

Despite Zeus, Venus decided
to take up a few lovers
on the side.

A few?

She was the Goddess of Love.

Zeus got even more angry
and inspired her with love
for three mortal men.

What happened
to the three mortals?

Anchises was killed
by lightning.

Adonis was slain by a wild bore
and Cinyras perished in combat.

She’s a bloody jinx.

All set.

You know, she doesn’t look
so bad in here,

maybe you shouldn’t be
so quick to get rid of her.

Give me your car keys.

[EXHALES]

See? What did I tell you?

Nothing to worry about.

He takes her out
while we make the grab.

Very neat.

Let go of it.

TED: Just gonna pull
around the corner and watch.

JIM: Watch what?

[ENTHRALLING MUSIC PLAYING]

BURGLAR 1: What is that!

[SCREAMS]

[THUNDERCLAP]

[RUMBLING]

[SCREAMING]

Have you seen
them before?

Aren’t they the cable people?

DETECTIVE: They’re a couple
of local meatballs.

You know Mr. Beckman,
you’ve had quite a day.

Fires, explosions,
you’re not into insurance
fraud, are you?

Don’t you two duffel-bags
ever get tired of me?

You got us all wrong
this time Detective.

There’s a reward
for a stolen statue.

And that guy
got it in his house.

That’s a ridiculous charge.

Right, Mr. Beckman?

Ridiculous.

Yeah, sure it is.

So why don’t we go
inside and take a look?

Just to show him
how twisted he is.

How about showing
us a warrant?

I don’t need a warrant,
I’m in hot pursuit.

It’s just that it's such
a waste of time.

You got something in there
you don’t want us to see?

Common, art lover.

Show me what you’ve got.

[CLICKING SWITCHES]

Must have blown the circuit.

Where’s the box?

In the garage.

I’m telling you,
you’re not gonna find anything.

DETECTIVE : I could use
the exercise.

There it is.

Bingo.

This is...

Vera.

I’m Vera, Ted's friend.

Well now, pretty lady,

You...

Wanna tell me
what went on here?

If that is your wish.

I was splishing
and splashing
in the hot tub.

Then I heard the voices
of two strange mortals
inside the house.

I became very quite.

Suddenly,

there were loud
noises and screams.

Lights flickered
and everything went dark.

Did you see these
two mortals?

No.

Then I recall that the lightning
from the electric company
down the street,

enters into the house
through this small box.

But it did not work.

So I asked Zeus
for his help.

Then lightning once again
began to flow.

Does she always
talk like that?

She belongs to a little
theater group.

Detective Charles?

We’re all ready to hold
’em down town.

The other one spill
anything new?

I don’t know he's been
babbling something about,
"It’s alive. It's alive."

Well, I want these two tucked
in before the end of my shift.

Let’s go partner.

Oh, Vera?

If you remember anything
else don’t hesitate to give
me a call.

Uh-huh.

I told you it was
waste of time.

Good bye, again.

Oh, no, not good bye.

Let’s just say,
see you soon.

Vera is waiting.

Vera is waiting for what?

The proper gratitude.

After all I did keep trouble
out of your house.

You are the trouble.

It only seemed so.

I can make your life
wonderful if you would just...

Let go off your earthly ties
and come back with me
to Mount Olympus.

Would immortality
be so bad?

Oh, yeah, I know your
history with husbands.

I don’t want to be your
next victim.

What if you get tired of me
in a 100 years and throw
me of the mountain?

I’ll risk it,
I love Greek gods.

Right, I just remembered
I have an important
errand to run.

Your friend does
not understand.

It is your ring
that awakened me.

It is you I must return
with to Mount Olympus.

Or.

Or what?

Or I’m doomed to spend
eternity as a statue.

That is the decree
of the Gods.

Never to feel the warmth
of love and never to be
near you again.

[MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING]

[SAXOPHONE MUSIC PLAYING]

[SAXOPHONE CONTINUES PLAYING]

[PHONE RINGING]

Hello?

Cathy, hi. How are you?

No, don’t come over.

I overslept.

Meet me at the shop
in an hour.

I have not slept
like that in ages.

The repair crew is already
at the salon, I’ve gotta pick up
my car and get over there.

Where’s that match book?

And your answer?

Or have I already had it?

Tonight, we’ll work
it all out tonight.

Whatever you do,
don’t leave the house.

There’s plenty of food
in the fridge.

I’m not here for your
cold roast chicken,

I’m here for your love.

WORKER: Let me see
what I do with the walls.

CATHY: After we finish the walls
we’ll gather up all this junk
and put it out in the alley.

Yeah.

Ted you sure
you’re all right?

Oh, sure.

You’re worried about
this afternoon don’t be.

Aunt Julie is making a beautiful
wedding her house looks
fabulous.

Yeah, Aunt Julie,
wonderful woman.

Look you’ve had
an awful time.

Go back to
Aunt Julia’s and rest.

I’ll keep an eye
on things here.

Then I’ll pick up your
tux and we can change.

CATHY: Guys, just throw
all that stuff out.

But save that
it’s Alphonso's.

I love you
for being so mortal.

TV:
Welcome back to the dating
game everybody. It’s time now
for Stephanie to share

with us her decision.

Is it going to be bachelor
number one?

Bachelor number two
or bachelor number three?

STEPHANIE:
It’s gonna
be bachelor number three.

Stephanie is sure no wimp.

Ted?

Oh, Teddy.

Are you in there?

This is Alphonso.

I lost the address
to the wedding.

And Cathy’s unlisted.

So I’d thought I follow...

You!

You!

Desecrater!

[SCREAMING]

[UPBEAT VIOLET PLAYING]

No sign of Jimmy Manning yet?

I knew Cathy’s cousin Lester
should’ve been the best man.

He’ll be here.
He’ll be here.

Robert, Angela, so good
of you to come.

Friends of the bride.

Hey, Aunt Julia
so good to see you.

Hold it would you babe?

Do you have it?

Of course I have it,
the jeweler just finished
with it half hour ago.

You know I showered
and got ready and,

nine minutes flat.
Where’s your out of town
visitor this afternoon?

Home.

She’s under your skin,
isn’t she?

They both are.

Now you owe me for this.

I don’t mean money,
I mean favors.

So what do you think?

It’s perfect.

PRIEST: And do you Cathy,
promise to love Ted?

To keep him and hold him
for richer or poorer,

in sickness and in health
so long as you both do live.

I do.

Do you have the ring?

Yes, indeedy.

Ted, please place the ring
on Cathy’s finger.

Now, repeat after me.

[RUMBLING]

Where you speaking
of this ring?

[THUNDERCLAP]

Central, it’s Detective Charles.

I’m gonna need some assistance
at 425, Bel Air road.

And you better make it quick
before the weather changes.

Over.

Who is this woman?

What’s she doing
with my ring?

Why is this woman
still in your life?

Ted?

Maybe the three of us
should go somewhere and talk.

[MURMURS]

Now I can explain everything.

You see...

Just tell me what
last night meant to you.

Last night?

I’m sorry.

Sorry for what?

VENUS: Leave us.

You must not interfere
with the Goddess of Love.

Goddess?

This woman is ready
for Dr. Fisher.

That nut?

What else does she know?

What about last night?

And give me my ring.

[RUMBLING CRESCENDO]

Don’t get too
close to her.

By his own acts.

Ted has given
himself to me.

Given himself?

Cathy I know this is gonna
sound strange...

I’m a psychologist,
remember?

Strange is my life.

I accidentally put the ring
on the finger of a statue
of Venus and,

this is what happened.

You’re right.
That is strange.

He speaks the truth,

And he is mine
forever more.

Look.

If you give me the ring back
and you leave quietly,

then I won’t have
to call the police.

Cathy.

Let the two of us
work this out.

You see, he does
not love you.

Away, you are history.

You do love me
don’t you Ted?

Be gone.

Before I lay you dead
at my feet.

Ted?

I think you better go.

I’m not leaving
this room.

You say you can strike me dead
then go ahead and strike.

[RUMBLING]

If you crush her you might
as well crush me too.

You would rather die with her
than spend eternity with me?

I love Cathy.

Last night was a mistake.

I’m sorry.

What happened
last night?

Enough is enough.

I have no need of you.

I shall invoke a speedy
and terrible destruction.

[THUNDERCLAPS]

[SIREN WAILING]

ZEUS:
Before you can again
sit amongst the Gods,

you must prove
that you fully understand
the nature of love.

[ENTHRALLING MUSIC PLAYING]

I cannot do it.

I love you too much.

Just as you love
each other.

You were both willing to die.

Rather than live without
your true love.

Zeus was right.

Some Goddess of Love am I.

I couldn’t even recognize
true love when I saw it.

At least love has
touched me once.

Before the Gods send me
to the eternal doom
of my stony exile.

I release you from your troth.

There was no last night.

Shocking!

They are in the library,
I don’t think the woman
was lying, you know.

[RUMBLING]

[KNOCKING AT DOOR]

DETECTIVE: Open up in there.

What happened in here?

Just two people in love.

Yeah? What about
the fireworks?

He told you, just two
people in love.

Does that call
for a police raid?

By the way, I think
I know where you’ll
find that missing Venus?

I thought you might.

Common.

So?

Where is it?

Okay.

But handle it with care.

She’s one of a kind.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

HERA:
My husband Zeus,
our daughter Venus fared well.

She recognized true love
and allowed it to go
it’s own way.

ZEUS:
You make a point.

I shall consider giving her
a second opportunity.

Perhaps when the warm
season ends.

Venus always did love
that type of animal.

[MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING]

[LAUGHS]

[SAXOPHONE MUSIC PLAYING]