Go Now (1995) - full transcript
Nick, is a young Scottish soccer player living in the big city. He meets Karen, and the two fall in love and move in together. Soon after, Nick exhibits signs of serious illness. As his body slowly succumbs to multiple sclerosis, he experiences a wide sweep of jagged emotions, and in the process gives himself and those who love him the strength to carry on.
For God's sake,
Nick. That's it!
Can't believe what I'm
bloody seeing here!
-Get up, Captain Ignus!
-Hey, no way!
Come on!
Cut that football
from there, man!
Show me a woman
that's got a good man
And I'll show you a
woman doing all she can
To make life worth
living for her good man
Did you see that one?
No, how come you
see everything else
-except us?
-All right, all right,
all right, come on!
The first game of the season
saw the worst miss
of the season.
What was the excuse, Nick?
It bobbled.
How did you miss it?
It bobbled.
You blind get!
Stevie Wonder could
have put it in!
Stevie
wonder's refereeing.
You stupid prick!
It bobbled!
Two yards out!
It bobbled!
Look, you can drop me if
you like but it bobbled!
I'll drop you from a dirty
great height, you stupid prick!
-It bobbled!
-What did it do, Nick?
It bobbled!
Piss off.
Pass me the shampoo, Tony, yeah?
You passed me nothing all day.
What, just give me the shampoo!
No.
You want the shampoo, Sammy?
Funny.
Did you see your dick just then?
What?
Did you see what it did?
No, what?
It bobbled.
Hey!
Very good.
So I says, "Can
I walk you home?"
And she says "You can
push me if you want."
Push her?
She had a wheelchair
in the corner.
What could I say, I would
have looked a right bastard
if I blew it right
then, wouldn't I?
So you took a bird
home in a wheelchair?
You pulled a fricking cripple?
Pushed a fricking cripple.
Got to the park.
She tells me she only
lives across the road.
I say "Will you be
okay from here?"
She says "I'm just like
any other girl, you know?"
I bet she was.
So I says "Well,
how can we manage?"
And she says "Well you
could always hang me
in the park gates."
So I hung her on the park
gates and did the business.
You gave her one
on the park gates?
Yeah it
wasn't bad either.
Ugh!
I don't believe you.
So I gets her down and I'm
wheeling her up her path
when the front door opens.
Her husband?
Yeah, I leg it,
he legs after me.
I slip on the curb.
I'm thinking, shit, this is it,
he's gonna bat the
hell out of me.
But as I'm getting up
he hands me a favour.
"Here you go mate,
get yourself a pint."
I says "Did you see what we
were doing on the park gates?"
All right, why?
He said "Every other bastard
leaves her hanging there."
That's not funny.
No, that's not
funny, that's sick!
Bridget, five pints of lager,
a bitter and a blowjob.
She's crazy about me.
I can tell.
It's a tossup between
him and the elephant man.
A comeback!
What's so bleeding funny?
It ain't you.
I'm still a young man.
Compared to
Methuselah.
How'd Thessel go on?
They won, one nil.
Yes.
They scored in the last minute,
the jammy Scotch gits.
What about United?
Sheffield or Cambridge?
Prague.
Doesn't even go for it.
Matthews was older than me.
-Hi.
-Well Matthews could play.
Couldn't do worse than you lot.
You're crap.
You couldn't kick
a bleeding hobbit.
I'm thinking of coming
back as a sweeper.
I'll bring you your
brush.
Here's a run you're good
at, George!
So what do you say, Bridge?
You me, an onion bhaji and
as many papadums as you want.
Keep the change.
Ta.
Can you give me a bit of
time to think it over?
Of course, yeah.
30 or 40 years?
-Yes!
-Ah, spraja!
Told you it was big.
Maybe you shouldn't
have mentioned the papadums.
-I bet she could taste them.
-Ah, give me a month.
She'll be begging to get her
mouth around my vindaloo.
All right.
All right, I'm finally off.
Get the early.
I already got them, man.
I've got them in twice.
Ah, but your left does it.
Makes no bleeding difference.
Get them in,
you tight bastard.
Well you got a full pint now.
Leave us some money then.
Here.
All right.
See you later.
-Ooh.
-Tata.
Bye boys.
Bye.
He's underage.
Blood and wine
Love is so fine
Hold here
I can't breathe
And I can't see
TV moves too fast
Refuse to understand
You give me your
plan I see mine
Buy yous a drink?
You what?
Want a drink?
It feels like
it must be blind
How'd you like
I don't believe this.
What?
See that?
Mhmm.
-A Toe.
-Yes.
And see this?
Hmm?
A knee.
You're gonna meet
someone called Tony.
What's your name?
Tony.
Never.
What is wrong with you?
We got a bet on.
See who can go the longest
without having a pee.
And see this group here?
Yeah?
Sex.
Is that right?
Yeah , and see the way
they're all bunched together?
Mhmm.
Multiple orgasms.
Really?
-Yeah.
-All right, give in.
Yeah.
Ooh, I think we're in there.
Well done.
Sex, sex, sex, you
scarpered them.
I didn't say anything.
So if you dance put
your hand in mine
4.20 down the fucking drain.
Shit.
Bollocks.
Come on.
Excuse me, sorry.
Going through.
Two cans of lager and a
neat traveller please.
What?
I don't think it's
much to ask for.
I've seen the prices in the
door here, it's frightening.
Leave it.
Which one?
I said okay, two cans of
lager and a pack of...
You see the way
he's dancing with her?
Will you leave it?
Hey we're just lookers
if you're gonna like me.
Hey, Tony, I say we
go up there, man.
Will you leave it,
for god's sake.
She's with the fricking stars.
I'll buy
Hey, Nick!
Nick!
We're gonna leave all
our troubles behind
We're gonna walk
in those lines
You fucking dealer.
It's not all
it's cracked up to be.
What's that?
Being a wonderful lover.
No?
No.
The noise, you see.
The noise women make
when they're with me.
Trying to get out the door?
All those multiple orgasms, see?
Well I can take your
word for it, love.
Sounds German, doesn't it?
What?
Orgasm.
Not really, no.
orgasm.
- I am an orgasm?
- Yes.
German does sound like that.
Like sauerkraut or smorgasbord.
Smorgasbord?
God, so which continent
do you live in?
I mean I like a walk,
but five days later, you know?
I feel a song coming on as well.
Nick, tell me this.
Is it smorgasbord
or shmorgasbord?
-Dunno.
-Don't know.
Say it's smorgasbord, right?
S-M-O-R-G-A, rearrange the
letters, what do you get?
Karen.
Karen.
Orgasm.
Could be smorgasbord though.
Have you got a dictionary?
Oh yeah, I carry one
around all the time.
Haha, yeah, in your flat.
Yeah.
Well, we'll look it up.
Will we?
Yeah.
Over coffee.
Good night.
Night.
Good night.
-Night.
-What, really?
Lesbians.
What, really?
Oh, for God's sake, Tony,
your big girl's bloody blouse!
He's not gonna bite ya!
Get stuck into him
for Christ sake!
Paula!
Hey mate, can I have a
word please, thank you.
Sorry boss, it's all right.
This is embarrassing.
What's the problem?
I've got three
serious complaints.
Then see a doctor.
One, where's all the fireworks?
I want the brandy and
the flames and all that.
We don't do that.
When's your night off?
Two, what's this in the middle?
Cream.
No it's not.
You've gobbed in it.
Nobody's
gobbed in your soup!
Are you free Saturday night?
You have no chance,
she's a lesbian.
Where to start?
You start from the outside
and work your way in.
My motto exactly.
Is that it?
No, you haven't heard the
third serious complaint.
Spotted dick.
Ooh, that is serious.
You got no spotted
dick in the menu.
That's because we don't
do spotted dicks, sir.
Well have you got
anything similar
or something that would appeal
to a more sophisticated
delicate palate?
I'll send the waitress in with
a bag of pork scratchings.
Is that it?
Yeah, for now.
Cell me Mr. Vladdie.
I'm finishing off
with number 69.
I miss football.
They're starting to
call me Nigel Kluff.
All right, all right.
Who do I drop?
You know
who you're dropping.
Who?
Tell him, yeah?
Don't talk to me about it.
Tell him who he drops.
Got nothing to do with me,
Bobby Charlton picks the team.
Where the bloody
hell do you start?
You know who I'm talking about.
It's someone
on this table.
Nick, yeah?
What?
Nothing, just talking
to Nigel.
Goodnight.
Night.
Hey you.
Hi.
All right?
Yeah.
Yeah?
How you doing?
All right.
How is it?
Itchy.
Yeah?
Aye.
You going somewhere, eh?
Yeah.
Right.
See ya.
Nice seeing you again.
Perfect.
Aye.
Bygone, the best
you've ever had.
Can't remember.
Had a good one on
Skungthorpe once.
Darby shop, mate.
This wee place in Darby shop.
Absolute perfection.
Course the problem is
you're always looking
for it again, don't you?
Aye.
And you're never gonna find her.
Never.
I don't know, kind of
flaky these days, you know?
You have a big gap between
the pasty and the cults.
I mean you end up
paying for fresh air.
I mean it should be full
Full and gooey.
You know what I mean?
Aye.
Sort of.
-Hi.
-Hello.
-Right.
-How you doing?
-Yeah.
-Yeah?
You going in there?
Yeah.
For a video?
Yeah.
So what are you after?
True Lies.
True Lies?
Yeah, yeah, True Lies.
It's full of sex and
violence, isn't it?
Amoral, know what I mean?
Sounds great.
Yeah, I know,
I've seen it a few times.
Is that it?
Listen, do you want to watch it?
We could watch it.
Are you going out with that guy
from the hotel?
Yeah.
Yeah, I am.
Serious?
It's just convenient
for us really, you know.
Can you play that?
It's easy 'cause
we both work there.
Doesn't take much effort.
And yeah.
Sorry?
I can play it.
Sort of.
Yes, you're a natural!
Hiya.
Hi, Paula.
Hiya.
Well done.
I always thought
about the banjo.
You find out
more that makes sense.
I get that there's certain jobs
for my type of hand.
Getting ready now.
God they're so effortless.
The way they just,
don't they look like just
cruising through the air?
-I love it.
-Yeah.
It's amazing the dove things
though when they swoop.
Like that one.
Going at the clubs.
You know they use up more energy
just trying to get
the bit of bread
than they get it from
the bit of bread.
-Perform, no?
-Yes you oughta know.
God it's beautiful now.
Clear sky.
Blue sky.
Skin head!
Go, Sammy!
Thank you.
I'll never forget our cup run.
Ah, believe me, I've tried.
First round, Nick played
his usual blinder.
He is blind.
Hey Nick, Nick!
You can pass the
thing now and again!
You haven't got to give it
away all the bleeding time!
Give us a bit of
effort, will you?
Look interested!
Oh, for Christ
sake Nick, get out!
Out, out you lazy bleeder!
You're playing them
all on, you stupid git!
Oh, for sake, ref!
What the hell
are you playing at?
He got nowhere
fucking near him!
Dell, get fucking changed.
Ah, Nick!
Nick, you're fucking crap!
You're fucking useless!
Absolutely fucking useless!
Hurry up, will you?
You shout at me one
more fucking time
I'm gonna ram your
poxy fucking teeth
right down your
fuking throat, okay?!
Put your tracksuit back on, son.
Oh, for Christ sake!
Can I help you both?
Ah she's good,
she doesn't answer back.
Unlike yours.
You stupid friggin bollocks!
-What the hell are you-
-Work! Wear out, Nicky!
God's sake man,
what's wrong with you?
It slipped, I'm sorry.
My arse you're sorry.
Hello.
You okay?
Hi.
How'd you know I was here?
-Tony called.
-Oh yeah?
What happened?
Well.
Well my hand went numb.
Yeah?
It was weird.
Don't know.
Have you been here long?
About an hour.
It was all right though 'cause
popped up to see my
granddad, he's in here.
What's wrong with him?
It's terrible.
A couple of smart kids
broke in in his house.
Done him in, duffed
him up about.
You know that long chip
part thing in a hoover?
Yeah.
Stuck it up his ass.
Is he all right?
Oh, he's packing up nicely.
Yeah.
Man give a woman
plenty of lovin
Woman like that yeah
Man give a woman
plenty of hugging
Woman like that yeah
And when man see woman cry
Man go to her
and dry her eyes
Man show woman that he care
And the woman's
gonna be right there
Seven.
That's your record, seven times?
Yeah.
In a year?
No, in the same night.
Seven times in one night?
Yeah.
What, with seven
different girls?
No, with the same girl.
Glutton for punishment, was she?
She said you can't get
too much of a good thing.
Then the men in white
coats turned up.
No.
Multiple orgasms, see?
You sure it was seven times?
Positive.
You counted?
Yeah.
You're very sad.
Yeah.
Gambia?
-Aye
-Are all of you going?
Yeah.
Football trip.
Nice.
I'll send you a postcard.
Will you?
Every day.
Listen.
See, when I get back,
What?
Do you fancy moving in with me?
Can I think about it?
Aye.
Hey, hey, guys, come on.
I have a terrible thirst.
Come on.
Give us a kiss.
But with the hair.
Yeah.
Come on!
Woman like that yeah
Man that makes
woman's love grow
Shucks woman like that yeah
Morning.
What?
Come here.
Come in here in free time.
Man act like a neon cat
That's for sure you
won't get nowhere
Oh Whoah
Woman will be then
sitting right there
Oh yes she will
Woman like that yeah
What you want
around at home and
Oh shucks
Woman like that yeah
Shush
Hiya.
You got too much stuff.
I knew you'd say that.
Someone rather patient
I said you are a lady
That's my big sister Jean.
She's a nurse.
She's big?
Seriously.
We were born on the same day.
She's exactly a
year older than me.
Mum.
Aw, she looks nice.
Yeah, she is.
This is my dad.
He was a chef in the army.
Didn't ever go with him?
I went once to Malta.
Mum hated in.
Ay!
Ooh ooh ooh.
Cramp, cramp,
cramp, cramp, cramp.
-Here?
-Yeah.
-See there's that knot there?
-No, no, no, no, no.
Rub it, rub it, rub it.
Six million pound for a
wanker like that, huh?
I mean if he's worth six million
what's our share worth?
What am I worth?
Two bob.
Thank you, Nick.
Let's say he's a hundred
times better than me, right?
Six million divided
by a hundred is?
60,000.
I must be worth 60,000 pounds.
I, Tony "The Legs" Jeffries
am worth 60,000 pound.
Ah, did you get a
wee note, darling?
Ah pet, lamb lamb
chop babylings.
It's cute.
Rain
will come and go.
Iris see, west or
southwest, occasional rain.
Variable.
Shannon,
west or southwest 506,
occasional rain.
-Good.
-Moderate or good.
Rockwood, southwesterly,
six to gale eight.
-Becoming poor.
-Becoming poor.
Hebrides Bailey,
easterly gale eight.
-Becoming moderate.
-Becoming moderate or poor.
Fair Isle, easterly
506, rain maybe showers.
Good.
Moderate or good.
Promity fourth time dogger.
-Good.
-Southwesterly,
six to gale eight.
Rain and showers,
moderate or good.
Chip 'em.
Chip 'em!
Go around them then!
Don't let him force
you wide, don't!
Ah, for God's sake, Nick!
You couldn't score
in a blood brothel!
I could have put
that in, couldn't I?
My grandmother could
have put it in!
You stupid bloody bollock!
Hiya.
Heya.
Good?
-You?
-Yeah.
-What's wrong?
-Nothing.
Good of him.
But I'm sure the
fans will be amazed
he was there from the base,
a player of his stature.
I was surprised,
though we have to look
at the team things first.
What time did you finish?
The usual time.
But late, you know?
You can tell.
Well I always go for
a pint after a match.
And I went for a
drink after work.
Oh, with Charlie?
And others, yeah.
He still fancies you.
I know.
What, he told you?
No.
And he's your boss.
So?
So he can take advantage.
Of what?
Yeah, forget it.
I'm sorry.
So, I'm still shagging
him now and again.
So what?
He's my boss.
Come on Tony!
Good lad!
If I were a dog
Ooh first timers
could walk me
Ah, don't, stop.
Who needs to be loved baby
I'm a man, honey
Need to be needed
I can't think of nobody
That I want to need me
Better than you baby
If I were a song
Like to be sung by
the Rolling Stones
If I were a dance floor
James Brown could mash
potatoes on me all night long
But I'm a man
-Bananas and apples.
-Some bananas,
-some bananas.
-And apples.
Need someone to cook
my favourite dish
I'm a man baby
Who needs to grant
someone's every wish
And I can't think of nobody
Wish I'd like to greet honey
Better than yours baby
Four down, five from right.
Okay.
Two down, three from right.
Okay.
One down four from right.
Okay.
Could you put the
wand down now, please?
How'd I do?
I think you lost your
place on the darts team.
It's the first time
you've had double vision?
Yeah.
Any other problems
with the eyes?
No.
Any numbness?
In my eyes?
Anywhere?
Well in my arms then and again.
Pins and needles.
Aye, you know.
Kind everybody
gets kind of thing.
And you've
never worn glasses?
No.
I'd say it's a trapped nerve,
the other eye
compensating for it.
Well, they make
me look a bit more
sophisticated, don't you think?
Than who, Rab C. Nesbitt?
All right.
Oh my god, it's Cliff Richard.
How's it going?
How's it going, mate?
Not in there.
Ow!
No way chance.
You okay?
Yeah.
Jesus, honey.
Here.
How come I haven't felt it?
Double vision, numbness.
Sensation loss.
All those questions
you were asking him.
He's got multiple sclerosis.
Not necessarily.
You think he's got MS.
I think
it's a possibility.
Then why the hell
didn't you tell him?
Do you know anything about MS?
A bit.
Then you'll know the
symptoms can come and go.
Sometimes they'll
disappear altogether.
Sometimes it won't get any worse
than a tingle in the arm.
If he's got it, he's got a
right to know he's got it.
It's stress-related.
Telling him he's got it
might induce an attack.
What are you going to do?
Nothing.
But if you want to tell
him, you should do so.
Sorry, Charlie.
Okay, no problem.
I do miss you, you know.
You see me all day every day.
You know what I mean.
I'm living with
Nick now, Charlie.
Right.
Well that's it now, isn't it?
Suddenly I'm not available.
When I was available, you
weren't all that bothered.
I was bothered.
I just didn't show it.
Night, Charlie.
Night.
Take tomorrow off.
Why?
We could go to the market,
get something to eat.
Yeah, but why?
It'd just be nice to
spend some time together.
You feel so guilty about?
Nothing.
You've been screwing
Charlie, ain't you?
Oh, for God's sake, Nick.
Why were you late?
-I stayed late 'cause I-
-'Cause you got in late.
Why did you get in late?
I had to go somewhere.
Where?
The library.
Library, what for?
To look something up.
Then I had to talk to somebody
-about something.
-Something, somebody.
Jesus!
If I screwed somebody,
I'd tell you.
I haven't screwed anybody
'cause I love you,
you stupid prick!
I wish I didn't,
but I do, right?
I love you.
Front fastening.
Stockings.
No suspenders.
Course I'm wearing 'em.
Crotchless.
Shh.
Karen, urgent call line six.
Hello?
Karen Walker?
Yes it is.
Yes I will check for you.
One minute, hold the line.
No, it doesn't seem
to have been entered.
Yes, I do understand but,
-Excuse me.
-There is nothing.
I don't know.
No, our nurses are
not computer trained.
He's in there.
Understood, yes.
Okay, goodbye.
There's something wrong with me.
Okay.
I want to hold you
in my arms till you say
Turn you loose
I want to do the
things for you
Till you say it ain't no use
I want to wake
you every morning
With a good morning kiss
I want to kiss you
to say the same way
'cause I know you like this
I want to do
everything for you
'cause that's all
that a man can do
When he loves a
woman like I love you
And I love you, love you
Love you, love you
Love you, love you
Ooh wee I love you
I want to say sweet
things to you till you say
I said enough
I want to stand right
by your side when the
Going gets tough
I want to mend your
broken heart till you say
The hurt is gone
I wanna stay with you always
So that you'd
You're playing.
Right from the start?
Yep.
For myself?
No.
Where's Nick
In the hospital.
Yes!
Delly!
All the
tests finished now?
Yeah I think so.
Countess Dracula pops
in for a swift half
now and again.
And they've said nothing?
Nah.
Well they were asking
about my holiday.
What?
Went to Africa.
So?
So?
So they're testing for AIDS.
You haven't got AIDS.
How would you know?
I just know.
Why are you worrying about AIDS?
I'm not.
What did you get up to?
What do you mean?
What did you get
up to on holiday?
Nothing.
I need a piss.
What did you get up to?
Look, Karen, don't
discuss this now, okay?
I can't believe he did it.
I can't believe he screwed
someone on holiday.
Leave him.
Want some more tea?
Leave him.
I can't.
Why not?
I just can't, Paula.
You're only doing it 'cause
you feel sorry for him.
I'm not doing it 'cause
-I feel sorry for him.
-Yes you are.
You're throwing your life away.
-You can't base a relationship-
-There's nothing you can tell
-me that I don't already know.
-Listen to me, you cannot
base a relationship on pity.
I know that.
You think I don't know that?
And we're only living
with each other anyway.
It's not as if we've
thought of having kids
or getting married or anything.
No, just juice.
Thanks.
Leave him.
Nurse?
I've got a big problem.
Nurse, nurse.
Bye.
Steroids?
You know it?
Those hairy arse Russian
women take them, don't they?
Shell potters and that.
You know, Sammy's type.
Hey, hey, hey, hey,
it's a hospital.
Are they working?
Well, I can do that now.
Oh, very good.
Can you still do this though?
What's wrong with him?
Don't know.
So what you
brought me now?
Nothing.
Nothing?
Brought
ourselves, haven't we?
Ay, ya bunch of
tight ass bastards.
It's valuable,
our time, mate.
That's sacrifice.
Wouldn't mind getting
a bed bath off her.
Lying bastard.
Twice a day if I want to.
Bollocks.
I'm saying.
What's wrong with him?
Hey, mate, he wants to know
what's the matter with you.
Tell him to mind his
own bloody business.
Any luck with Bridget?
Fun day.
All of it bad.
You know what it is?
She knows it's gonna happen.
And when it does, it's gonna
go right off the Richter scale.
So she's just
postponing the pleasure,
smacking her lips
in anticipation.
Otherwise, she'll have
that pint over your head.
How are you feeling, Nick?
Much better, aye, thanks.
When do I go home?
Today if you like. I've
asked a nurse to pop along
and get a urethral swab.
A what?
It's nothing.
The nurse will take a
sample from your penis
with a little swab.
Okay?
See you.
You jammy bastard.
Oh, no, all shrivelled up.
Ah you're all right,
she looks like she's got a good
sense of humour, that nurse.
And good eyesight.
Quick somebody tell
us a dirty joke quick.
It'll take more than
a dirty joke, mate.
You're talking a trip to
Lou's, I've seen your dick.
Yeah so is your butt.
I surely died laughing.
Could do with a big
black man, that nurse.
Kashwing!
So, Nick, we'll get
this little sample done
and you can be on
your way back home.
All right.
See ya.
Here.
No.
-Come on.
-Give me that.
-Give it, heh?
-Stupid.
It's me.
Come on.
What is it?
I pissed myself.
Don't worry about it.
And this will go on your penis.
Small, medium or large?
Medium?
Nick?
Didn't you hear me?
No.
What happened here?
Multiple Sclerosis
Self Help Guide.
One foot down the hole.
We don't know it's MS.
It's MS.
It might be MS.
So who else knows?
No one, just the doctors and-
And?
I had to let them know in work.
Charlie.
He's my boss.
Come here.
Jesus Christ, Karen.
I love you.
I love you.
This piece in the paper
once about Ronnie Lane.
Remember him?
No.
He used to play
guitar for the Faces,
you know, Rod
Stewart's old group.
Made a couple of solo albums
himself, this braggart.
Anyway this bit in the paper
said he had MS.
And I always knew what MS was
but who knew I would get it.
Couple weeks later there
was a bigger article
about how Rod Stewart
and the rest of the band
were getting together
to do a charity concert.
I remember thinking
that was really nice.
And then held out on
your lean after that.
Yeah I've always
wondered whether Rod
still keeps in touch.
It won't be MS.
It'll be something else.
Aye.
Three
My lucky number
And fortune
Comes in threes
But we
Are we like numbers
That even little children
Seem to see
No results here, I'm afraid.
Besides being a bit of a cockup.
Can you make
four weeks today?
Four weeks?
But I'm on holiday
next week, you see?
Well can you telephone
us before you go?
That'll be difficult,
I'm afraid.
Please?
Wanker.
And when I knew
nothing at all
Shit!
However, high
pressure is the theme
for the next several days
drifting slowly northwards.
That means winds will
turn into the northwest.
Says here cannabis might help.
But it
stays actually dry.
But then behind this
one, much cooler air
will spread down.
It might help.
Hmm.
And
that'll bring frost
around central eastern
parts of Britain
on the cloudy cool Saturday
over there at the west.
Probably though, mainly fine.
Hello.
What a friend.
Tony.
Tony.
Yeah, I understand.
Yeah.
I have heard of them, yes.
Well?
They've ruled
everything else out.
All that's left is MS.
Is that all he said?
Well he gave me the number
to the multiple
sclerosis society.
What's for dinner?
Pasta and salad.
There's cheesecake for afters.
You spoil me.
Hi, mommy.
You're here.
Good to see you.
This MS, or multiple sclerosis.
Are you gonna die?
Julie.
What's gonna happen?
Julie, will you keep it shut?
It's all right.
Well we don't know yet.
At worst, end up
in a wheelchair.
Or I might just fall
a few times, you know,
drop things, get a bit clumsy.
We got you these
to help you understand
a bit more about it.
Right.
Can I see one?
Thanks.
Can murder a pint.
It was an unruly night
Stars shining bright
Whispered oh I
Love to say goodbye
No alcohol!
What was that like?
It's crap.
So you're off the
baby for good then?
We'll just black out these
desi smells, you know?
Takes me eight
pounds to get them.
Chris.
Sorry.
It's not bloody fair, son.
Well it's not the end
of the world, dad.
You're fighting it?
Yeah, well what do you think?
It's not bloody fair.
Same again, yeah?
Yeah, another shot.
You got everything you need?
Night.
Night.
Are you still gonna be
able to have babies?
I hope so.
Night.
Can I watch the telly?
Of course.
Night.
If you love me half
as much as I love you
You don't want to
come back home, son?
No.
I want you home.
Mommy, no.
Nick, I'm not stupid.
I know that would be the
worst thing for you because
I would smother you.
I wouldn't let you move, eh?
But that's just the
way I am, Nick, hmm?
You're still my baby.
Son.
Bag's full.
What?
My bag's full.
I'll come with you.
I can manage on my own.
Where's he going?
His bag's full.
Sure you're all right?
I can manage on my own.
What bag?
My urine bag.
Whatever be this blue
Ugh, Jesus!
You all right in there, Nick?
Gas.
What?
It's full of gas from the beer.
Gas?
Something to do
with the tube he's got
running down his leg.
Stupid shit!
Oh my god!
Ah!
Oh for God's sake!
Nick, what are you doing?!
How you doing,
Karen, you all right?
Have you any scrannin or
the chippies of short?
Yeah, help yourself.
Cheers.
You all right?
Hunky dory.
It should have been me, girl.
It should have been me.
Night now.
Wanna help an old cripple?
Walk to me, son.
Come on.
Get out of that bed
and walk to me.
Throw away your bloody sticks.
Go to bed, da.
The ever present award goes
to George, our goalkeeper.
Sure his cross is a
bit like Dracula would.
Missed just one game all
season, from a back injury
probably brought on
through picking the ball
out of the back of the
net the previous game.
What do you think of that diet?
What?
The diet.
In the book, the
essential fatty acid diet.
A bit too much of hard work.
We should give it a try, though.
Eh, whatever.
We should make a
list of the foods
that we can and can't eat.
We?
Sorry?
You keep saying we all the time.
Well I'm not gonna talk
into steak and chips
while you're eating cabbage
and bean sprouts, am I?
Is that right?
What are you thinking?
Oh, nothing.
What about music?
I'll do that.
-What do you want?
-Jesus Christ, Karen.
Sorry.
Since you took
your love away
I'm not going back to work.
I know.
So how do we pay the rent?
We don't.
We can't stay here anymore.
Why not?
There's too many stairs.
What do you think about
moving to Glasgow?
Glasgow?
Hmm.
We could ask your family
to keep their eyes open
for a place. And
I could get a job.
I'm sure Charlie could
give a good reference.
What?
No, I get it.
Don't need to explain,
you know, Glasgow.
Hello, Mr. And Mrs. Cameron.
I brought your son back.
You look after him.
-Sorry I've been
-That's not what I meant,
-Nick.
-put on you like this.
-That's not what I meant!
-I've got to pass on back.
-I've got a better good job
-I didn't mean that!
-Doing this job again!
-Jesus, Nick!
Fuck you!
Fucking bollocks!
Nothing compares to you
I know how hard it is for him.
He's the one who's sick.
But in a way, it's easy.
There's a lot of him
because he's got no choice.
He's gotta get on with it.
But I do have a choice.
I could leave him.
I don't want to leave him,
it'd be hard to leave him, but
I could leave him.
And that's hard.
It's harder than just
having to get on with it.
Karen.
Stop worrying about Nick.
Come here.
Remember me?
Yeah.
I remember you.
I remember when
we used to sit
In the government
down in Trenchtown
Any luck with Bridget?
No.
Shit.
Same again?
-No, I'll get it.
-No, no, I'll get 'em.
No man, it's my round.
Shit.
What?
Don't fucking patronise
me, Tony, okay?
I don't know what
you're talking about.
What?!
I wanna be told to
get my round on.
I want...
I want a bit of stick!
And I want a pastin on there.
Cause...
'Cause I'm still the
fucking same up here.
I'm still the same.
Bollocks.
Leave it.
I could send the van around,
pick up your stuff.
You don't even have to see him.
No, I shouldn't even be here.
Heel.
Heel.
Oh, piss off.
Put your weight forward.
-Oh, piss off, Karen.
-Heel.
Heel.
Heel.
Oh, fuck off!
Put your fucking heel down!
Heel!
Heel.
Does it affect his nudger?
I wanted his place in the team
but not like this.
Now I'm messing out of me!
Does it affect his nudger?
The stick I gave him when
he missed that sitter.
I thought he missed
it 'cause he was crap.
He was.
He was sick.
Sick and crap.
It's pointy, isn't
it, affect his nudger.
The quickie's out of
the window, he says.
The quickie?
You know, sudden urge,
rip up her knickers.
Wham bam thank you ma'am.
That way is out he reckons.
What's the other way?
Woman tell me
where did you learn
To handle a man
with so much ease
After all of his life
He's been used to doing
like he pleased yeah
You've got me doing
all the good things
That a man's supposed to do
I know a lot of men
who wish to have
A sweet little
woman like you
'Cause you're kind
is so hard to find
Most people running
on to the pitch
think it's all over.
It is now.
-Yes it is.
-Yeah!
He can put them away.
All he needed was a
smaller fix!
Cheers, Sammy.
Shit.
Remission.
That could be last for
the rest of my life.
Karen.
My hands have gone.
My hands have gone.
Come here.
Miserable shit.
Medical science.
Millstone.
Murder suspect, good.
You're not doing him
any favours at all.
Sean, she is not helping.
Where's my cup of coffee?
He's given up, Nick.
Marmot summages.
Monstrous sex.
Missus Spanker.
Hello.
I know that look you gave me.
You think it's my fault
that it's beaten me!
It isn't!
It's bad enough being like this
without you thinking
I'm somehow to blame.
Right.
I need you here
And that is the reason
Lion strides
12 tribes
It takes a second to reckon
Come on, you're a player,
not a bloody net, huh!
My grandmother could
have caught that, Christ!
Look, we haven't lost
since you packed it in,
so what does that prove?
Pus.
That proves
you were crap.
Bollocks.
Plate six, one four, grand two.
Are you having a piss?
Are you pissing in that bag?
No.
Well don't.
Don't have a piss when
I'm talking to you, right?
You played nothing.
We've played Napier.
Stuffed four and O
with you in the team
and drew two all without you.
Any luck with
Bridget, might you?
Don't change the subject.
Meaning no.
Ah, it's just a matter of time.
No chance.
I have more chance than you.
At least I can still
get a stiff one,
you know what I mean?
Ah well so can I!
Bollocks!
Oh, Jeff's missing.
Should be around your
place giving Karen one.
You're a sad case.
You're ugly, right?
You're ugly, you're skin,
you're a four eyed
fricking spaz.
The only thing you
had going for you
was the occasional stiff one
and now you can't
even give her that.
But we're mates, eh?
We'll organise a bit of a roda,
take it in turns to port
round and slip her one.
We'll keep Karen happy,
you can do the biz
with that other spaz
in the park gates, right?
Aye.
What?
I'm giving you a bit
of stick, that's all.
He said he wanted
a bit of stick!
We’re going for a pint now
you tight-fisted, four eyed git.
I lied.
What about?
About my holiday.
In Africa.
Look, I did a lot of shagging
while I was out there,
not just the one time,
but lost of times, lots.
Lots of times and
that's why I thought
they were testing for AIDS.
I don't believe you.
Ask any of the lads.
Why are you telling me now?
'Cause I want you to leave.
I'm getting a bit
sick of you, actually.
Getting a bit sick of
the way that you just...
You just keep taking
charge all the time.
I mean you've got me just
exactly where you want me,
you got me like this!
Christ, totally at your mercy
and you can just piss
off anytime you like
and have a shag with Charlie
and then you'd come back to me.
Be all the neighbours
gone or what-
I went to Glasgow, Nick!
-Budded he must be for that-
-We're going to Glasgow
so how could I have a quick shag
-with Charlie?
-What an age,
oh well no way, right?
No way.
No way.
I'm staying.
I know why you're doing this.
-This is my flat, right?
-You're doing it for me.
This is my flat and
I'm telling you to go.
I'm doing it for me, okay?
I can manage.
I can manage a
lot better for me.
I've got my mates, right?
I've got my mates and
they've always been around.
Nothing's changed.
You are nothing
compared to them.
Nothing's changed, Nick!
Everything's changed!
I told you about Africa.
I told you it's over!
I told you to piss off
but you just stand
there and take it.
Why?
'Cause I'm in this
fucking chair, that's why.
I'm in this chair but
it's you that cannot move.
If there was nothing
the matter with me
you'd have spat in my
face and walked, so do it!
No.
Go.
No.
Karen, just fucking go.
No!
No!
If I ever do you wrong
If I ever leave
you all alone
If I ever tell you a lie
And if I ever make you cry
Baby I wanna fly
Right on my pie
I want a bee sting
me over my eye
You know I love my pie
And I love my eye
So you know
If you don't go,
I'll kill myself.
I love you.
Ladies and gentlemen,
player of the
year, Nick Cameron.
Nick and Karen.
Goodbye
And since you gotta go
Boy you had better go now
Go now go now
Go now
I've been reading about
the situation in Bosnia.
Oh yeah?
Yeah, people getting blown up
all the time, it's terrible.
So do you know what's going
on there because of all that?
No.
An awful lot of shagging.
There's a woman with a
white sticker over there.
Tell her.
Where?
Ah-ah, got you.
Scout watching you?
Yeah.
Yeah, what's so funny?
A bloody girl guide
could see you were crap!
Still in love with you now
Look, we're mates, right?
Right.
So if you do end up in
a wheelchair and that,
Aye?
Can I have your footy
boots?
Go now
Before you see me cry
I've been reading about
the situation in Bosnia.
Piss off.
Say it again.
Piss off.
'Cause how many times
do I have to tell you
darling darling
darling darling darling
Where you going?
Mind your own business.
Fuck off!
Go on there, Tony!
I don't wanna see you go
But boy you had
better go now
Go now go now
Go now
Don't you even try
To tell me
That you really don't wanna
see it end this way now
Don't you know if you
really meant what you said
Darling darling darling
I wouldn't have to
keep on begging you
Begging you
begging you to stay
Go, go now
Goodbye goodbye
Before your tears
start to fall
I think you better go now
Go now
Goodbye goodbye
Before your tears
start to fall
I think you better go now
Go now
Good bye
Good bye
Before I fall
down on my knees
And start bawling bawling
Nick. That's it!
Can't believe what I'm
bloody seeing here!
-Get up, Captain Ignus!
-Hey, no way!
Come on!
Cut that football
from there, man!
Show me a woman
that's got a good man
And I'll show you a
woman doing all she can
To make life worth
living for her good man
Did you see that one?
No, how come you
see everything else
-except us?
-All right, all right,
all right, come on!
The first game of the season
saw the worst miss
of the season.
What was the excuse, Nick?
It bobbled.
How did you miss it?
It bobbled.
You blind get!
Stevie Wonder could
have put it in!
Stevie
wonder's refereeing.
You stupid prick!
It bobbled!
Two yards out!
It bobbled!
Look, you can drop me if
you like but it bobbled!
I'll drop you from a dirty
great height, you stupid prick!
-It bobbled!
-What did it do, Nick?
It bobbled!
Piss off.
Pass me the shampoo, Tony, yeah?
You passed me nothing all day.
What, just give me the shampoo!
No.
You want the shampoo, Sammy?
Funny.
Did you see your dick just then?
What?
Did you see what it did?
No, what?
It bobbled.
Hey!
Very good.
So I says, "Can
I walk you home?"
And she says "You can
push me if you want."
Push her?
She had a wheelchair
in the corner.
What could I say, I would
have looked a right bastard
if I blew it right
then, wouldn't I?
So you took a bird
home in a wheelchair?
You pulled a fricking cripple?
Pushed a fricking cripple.
Got to the park.
She tells me she only
lives across the road.
I say "Will you be
okay from here?"
She says "I'm just like
any other girl, you know?"
I bet she was.
So I says "Well,
how can we manage?"
And she says "Well you
could always hang me
in the park gates."
So I hung her on the park
gates and did the business.
You gave her one
on the park gates?
Yeah it
wasn't bad either.
Ugh!
I don't believe you.
So I gets her down and I'm
wheeling her up her path
when the front door opens.
Her husband?
Yeah, I leg it,
he legs after me.
I slip on the curb.
I'm thinking, shit, this is it,
he's gonna bat the
hell out of me.
But as I'm getting up
he hands me a favour.
"Here you go mate,
get yourself a pint."
I says "Did you see what we
were doing on the park gates?"
All right, why?
He said "Every other bastard
leaves her hanging there."
That's not funny.
No, that's not
funny, that's sick!
Bridget, five pints of lager,
a bitter and a blowjob.
She's crazy about me.
I can tell.
It's a tossup between
him and the elephant man.
A comeback!
What's so bleeding funny?
It ain't you.
I'm still a young man.
Compared to
Methuselah.
How'd Thessel go on?
They won, one nil.
Yes.
They scored in the last minute,
the jammy Scotch gits.
What about United?
Sheffield or Cambridge?
Prague.
Doesn't even go for it.
Matthews was older than me.
-Hi.
-Well Matthews could play.
Couldn't do worse than you lot.
You're crap.
You couldn't kick
a bleeding hobbit.
I'm thinking of coming
back as a sweeper.
I'll bring you your
brush.
Here's a run you're good
at, George!
So what do you say, Bridge?
You me, an onion bhaji and
as many papadums as you want.
Keep the change.
Ta.
Can you give me a bit of
time to think it over?
Of course, yeah.
30 or 40 years?
-Yes!
-Ah, spraja!
Told you it was big.
Maybe you shouldn't
have mentioned the papadums.
-I bet she could taste them.
-Ah, give me a month.
She'll be begging to get her
mouth around my vindaloo.
All right.
All right, I'm finally off.
Get the early.
I already got them, man.
I've got them in twice.
Ah, but your left does it.
Makes no bleeding difference.
Get them in,
you tight bastard.
Well you got a full pint now.
Leave us some money then.
Here.
All right.
See you later.
-Ooh.
-Tata.
Bye boys.
Bye.
He's underage.
Blood and wine
Love is so fine
Hold here
I can't breathe
And I can't see
TV moves too fast
Refuse to understand
You give me your
plan I see mine
Buy yous a drink?
You what?
Want a drink?
It feels like
it must be blind
How'd you like
I don't believe this.
What?
See that?
Mhmm.
-A Toe.
-Yes.
And see this?
Hmm?
A knee.
You're gonna meet
someone called Tony.
What's your name?
Tony.
Never.
What is wrong with you?
We got a bet on.
See who can go the longest
without having a pee.
And see this group here?
Yeah?
Sex.
Is that right?
Yeah , and see the way
they're all bunched together?
Mhmm.
Multiple orgasms.
Really?
-Yeah.
-All right, give in.
Yeah.
Ooh, I think we're in there.
Well done.
Sex, sex, sex, you
scarpered them.
I didn't say anything.
So if you dance put
your hand in mine
4.20 down the fucking drain.
Shit.
Bollocks.
Come on.
Excuse me, sorry.
Going through.
Two cans of lager and a
neat traveller please.
What?
I don't think it's
much to ask for.
I've seen the prices in the
door here, it's frightening.
Leave it.
Which one?
I said okay, two cans of
lager and a pack of...
You see the way
he's dancing with her?
Will you leave it?
Hey we're just lookers
if you're gonna like me.
Hey, Tony, I say we
go up there, man.
Will you leave it,
for god's sake.
She's with the fricking stars.
I'll buy
Hey, Nick!
Nick!
We're gonna leave all
our troubles behind
We're gonna walk
in those lines
You fucking dealer.
It's not all
it's cracked up to be.
What's that?
Being a wonderful lover.
No?
No.
The noise, you see.
The noise women make
when they're with me.
Trying to get out the door?
All those multiple orgasms, see?
Well I can take your
word for it, love.
Sounds German, doesn't it?
What?
Orgasm.
Not really, no.
orgasm.
- I am an orgasm?
- Yes.
German does sound like that.
Like sauerkraut or smorgasbord.
Smorgasbord?
God, so which continent
do you live in?
I mean I like a walk,
but five days later, you know?
I feel a song coming on as well.
Nick, tell me this.
Is it smorgasbord
or shmorgasbord?
-Dunno.
-Don't know.
Say it's smorgasbord, right?
S-M-O-R-G-A, rearrange the
letters, what do you get?
Karen.
Karen.
Orgasm.
Could be smorgasbord though.
Have you got a dictionary?
Oh yeah, I carry one
around all the time.
Haha, yeah, in your flat.
Yeah.
Well, we'll look it up.
Will we?
Yeah.
Over coffee.
Good night.
Night.
Good night.
-Night.
-What, really?
Lesbians.
What, really?
Oh, for God's sake, Tony,
your big girl's bloody blouse!
He's not gonna bite ya!
Get stuck into him
for Christ sake!
Paula!
Hey mate, can I have a
word please, thank you.
Sorry boss, it's all right.
This is embarrassing.
What's the problem?
I've got three
serious complaints.
Then see a doctor.
One, where's all the fireworks?
I want the brandy and
the flames and all that.
We don't do that.
When's your night off?
Two, what's this in the middle?
Cream.
No it's not.
You've gobbed in it.
Nobody's
gobbed in your soup!
Are you free Saturday night?
You have no chance,
she's a lesbian.
Where to start?
You start from the outside
and work your way in.
My motto exactly.
Is that it?
No, you haven't heard the
third serious complaint.
Spotted dick.
Ooh, that is serious.
You got no spotted
dick in the menu.
That's because we don't
do spotted dicks, sir.
Well have you got
anything similar
or something that would appeal
to a more sophisticated
delicate palate?
I'll send the waitress in with
a bag of pork scratchings.
Is that it?
Yeah, for now.
Cell me Mr. Vladdie.
I'm finishing off
with number 69.
I miss football.
They're starting to
call me Nigel Kluff.
All right, all right.
Who do I drop?
You know
who you're dropping.
Who?
Tell him, yeah?
Don't talk to me about it.
Tell him who he drops.
Got nothing to do with me,
Bobby Charlton picks the team.
Where the bloody
hell do you start?
You know who I'm talking about.
It's someone
on this table.
Nick, yeah?
What?
Nothing, just talking
to Nigel.
Goodnight.
Night.
Hey you.
Hi.
All right?
Yeah.
Yeah?
How you doing?
All right.
How is it?
Itchy.
Yeah?
Aye.
You going somewhere, eh?
Yeah.
Right.
See ya.
Nice seeing you again.
Perfect.
Aye.
Bygone, the best
you've ever had.
Can't remember.
Had a good one on
Skungthorpe once.
Darby shop, mate.
This wee place in Darby shop.
Absolute perfection.
Course the problem is
you're always looking
for it again, don't you?
Aye.
And you're never gonna find her.
Never.
I don't know, kind of
flaky these days, you know?
You have a big gap between
the pasty and the cults.
I mean you end up
paying for fresh air.
I mean it should be full
Full and gooey.
You know what I mean?
Aye.
Sort of.
-Hi.
-Hello.
-Right.
-How you doing?
-Yeah.
-Yeah?
You going in there?
Yeah.
For a video?
Yeah.
So what are you after?
True Lies.
True Lies?
Yeah, yeah, True Lies.
It's full of sex and
violence, isn't it?
Amoral, know what I mean?
Sounds great.
Yeah, I know,
I've seen it a few times.
Is that it?
Listen, do you want to watch it?
We could watch it.
Are you going out with that guy
from the hotel?
Yeah.
Yeah, I am.
Serious?
It's just convenient
for us really, you know.
Can you play that?
It's easy 'cause
we both work there.
Doesn't take much effort.
And yeah.
Sorry?
I can play it.
Sort of.
Yes, you're a natural!
Hiya.
Hi, Paula.
Hiya.
Well done.
I always thought
about the banjo.
You find out
more that makes sense.
I get that there's certain jobs
for my type of hand.
Getting ready now.
God they're so effortless.
The way they just,
don't they look like just
cruising through the air?
-I love it.
-Yeah.
It's amazing the dove things
though when they swoop.
Like that one.
Going at the clubs.
You know they use up more energy
just trying to get
the bit of bread
than they get it from
the bit of bread.
-Perform, no?
-Yes you oughta know.
God it's beautiful now.
Clear sky.
Blue sky.
Skin head!
Go, Sammy!
Thank you.
I'll never forget our cup run.
Ah, believe me, I've tried.
First round, Nick played
his usual blinder.
He is blind.
Hey Nick, Nick!
You can pass the
thing now and again!
You haven't got to give it
away all the bleeding time!
Give us a bit of
effort, will you?
Look interested!
Oh, for Christ
sake Nick, get out!
Out, out you lazy bleeder!
You're playing them
all on, you stupid git!
Oh, for sake, ref!
What the hell
are you playing at?
He got nowhere
fucking near him!
Dell, get fucking changed.
Ah, Nick!
Nick, you're fucking crap!
You're fucking useless!
Absolutely fucking useless!
Hurry up, will you?
You shout at me one
more fucking time
I'm gonna ram your
poxy fucking teeth
right down your
fuking throat, okay?!
Put your tracksuit back on, son.
Oh, for Christ sake!
Can I help you both?
Ah she's good,
she doesn't answer back.
Unlike yours.
You stupid friggin bollocks!
-What the hell are you-
-Work! Wear out, Nicky!
God's sake man,
what's wrong with you?
It slipped, I'm sorry.
My arse you're sorry.
Hello.
You okay?
Hi.
How'd you know I was here?
-Tony called.
-Oh yeah?
What happened?
Well.
Well my hand went numb.
Yeah?
It was weird.
Don't know.
Have you been here long?
About an hour.
It was all right though 'cause
popped up to see my
granddad, he's in here.
What's wrong with him?
It's terrible.
A couple of smart kids
broke in in his house.
Done him in, duffed
him up about.
You know that long chip
part thing in a hoover?
Yeah.
Stuck it up his ass.
Is he all right?
Oh, he's packing up nicely.
Yeah.
Man give a woman
plenty of lovin
Woman like that yeah
Man give a woman
plenty of hugging
Woman like that yeah
And when man see woman cry
Man go to her
and dry her eyes
Man show woman that he care
And the woman's
gonna be right there
Seven.
That's your record, seven times?
Yeah.
In a year?
No, in the same night.
Seven times in one night?
Yeah.
What, with seven
different girls?
No, with the same girl.
Glutton for punishment, was she?
She said you can't get
too much of a good thing.
Then the men in white
coats turned up.
No.
Multiple orgasms, see?
You sure it was seven times?
Positive.
You counted?
Yeah.
You're very sad.
Yeah.
Gambia?
-Aye
-Are all of you going?
Yeah.
Football trip.
Nice.
I'll send you a postcard.
Will you?
Every day.
Listen.
See, when I get back,
What?
Do you fancy moving in with me?
Can I think about it?
Aye.
Hey, hey, guys, come on.
I have a terrible thirst.
Come on.
Give us a kiss.
But with the hair.
Yeah.
Come on!
Woman like that yeah
Man that makes
woman's love grow
Shucks woman like that yeah
Morning.
What?
Come here.
Come in here in free time.
Man act like a neon cat
That's for sure you
won't get nowhere
Oh Whoah
Woman will be then
sitting right there
Oh yes she will
Woman like that yeah
What you want
around at home and
Oh shucks
Woman like that yeah
Shush
Hiya.
You got too much stuff.
I knew you'd say that.
Someone rather patient
I said you are a lady
That's my big sister Jean.
She's a nurse.
She's big?
Seriously.
We were born on the same day.
She's exactly a
year older than me.
Mum.
Aw, she looks nice.
Yeah, she is.
This is my dad.
He was a chef in the army.
Didn't ever go with him?
I went once to Malta.
Mum hated in.
Ay!
Ooh ooh ooh.
Cramp, cramp,
cramp, cramp, cramp.
-Here?
-Yeah.
-See there's that knot there?
-No, no, no, no, no.
Rub it, rub it, rub it.
Six million pound for a
wanker like that, huh?
I mean if he's worth six million
what's our share worth?
What am I worth?
Two bob.
Thank you, Nick.
Let's say he's a hundred
times better than me, right?
Six million divided
by a hundred is?
60,000.
I must be worth 60,000 pounds.
I, Tony "The Legs" Jeffries
am worth 60,000 pound.
Ah, did you get a
wee note, darling?
Ah pet, lamb lamb
chop babylings.
It's cute.
Rain
will come and go.
Iris see, west or
southwest, occasional rain.
Variable.
Shannon,
west or southwest 506,
occasional rain.
-Good.
-Moderate or good.
Rockwood, southwesterly,
six to gale eight.
-Becoming poor.
-Becoming poor.
Hebrides Bailey,
easterly gale eight.
-Becoming moderate.
-Becoming moderate or poor.
Fair Isle, easterly
506, rain maybe showers.
Good.
Moderate or good.
Promity fourth time dogger.
-Good.
-Southwesterly,
six to gale eight.
Rain and showers,
moderate or good.
Chip 'em.
Chip 'em!
Go around them then!
Don't let him force
you wide, don't!
Ah, for God's sake, Nick!
You couldn't score
in a blood brothel!
I could have put
that in, couldn't I?
My grandmother could
have put it in!
You stupid bloody bollock!
Hiya.
Heya.
Good?
-You?
-Yeah.
-What's wrong?
-Nothing.
Good of him.
But I'm sure the
fans will be amazed
he was there from the base,
a player of his stature.
I was surprised,
though we have to look
at the team things first.
What time did you finish?
The usual time.
But late, you know?
You can tell.
Well I always go for
a pint after a match.
And I went for a
drink after work.
Oh, with Charlie?
And others, yeah.
He still fancies you.
I know.
What, he told you?
No.
And he's your boss.
So?
So he can take advantage.
Of what?
Yeah, forget it.
I'm sorry.
So, I'm still shagging
him now and again.
So what?
He's my boss.
Come on Tony!
Good lad!
If I were a dog
Ooh first timers
could walk me
Ah, don't, stop.
Who needs to be loved baby
I'm a man, honey
Need to be needed
I can't think of nobody
That I want to need me
Better than you baby
If I were a song
Like to be sung by
the Rolling Stones
If I were a dance floor
James Brown could mash
potatoes on me all night long
But I'm a man
-Bananas and apples.
-Some bananas,
-some bananas.
-And apples.
Need someone to cook
my favourite dish
I'm a man baby
Who needs to grant
someone's every wish
And I can't think of nobody
Wish I'd like to greet honey
Better than yours baby
Four down, five from right.
Okay.
Two down, three from right.
Okay.
One down four from right.
Okay.
Could you put the
wand down now, please?
How'd I do?
I think you lost your
place on the darts team.
It's the first time
you've had double vision?
Yeah.
Any other problems
with the eyes?
No.
Any numbness?
In my eyes?
Anywhere?
Well in my arms then and again.
Pins and needles.
Aye, you know.
Kind everybody
gets kind of thing.
And you've
never worn glasses?
No.
I'd say it's a trapped nerve,
the other eye
compensating for it.
Well, they make
me look a bit more
sophisticated, don't you think?
Than who, Rab C. Nesbitt?
All right.
Oh my god, it's Cliff Richard.
How's it going?
How's it going, mate?
Not in there.
Ow!
No way chance.
You okay?
Yeah.
Jesus, honey.
Here.
How come I haven't felt it?
Double vision, numbness.
Sensation loss.
All those questions
you were asking him.
He's got multiple sclerosis.
Not necessarily.
You think he's got MS.
I think
it's a possibility.
Then why the hell
didn't you tell him?
Do you know anything about MS?
A bit.
Then you'll know the
symptoms can come and go.
Sometimes they'll
disappear altogether.
Sometimes it won't get any worse
than a tingle in the arm.
If he's got it, he's got a
right to know he's got it.
It's stress-related.
Telling him he's got it
might induce an attack.
What are you going to do?
Nothing.
But if you want to tell
him, you should do so.
Sorry, Charlie.
Okay, no problem.
I do miss you, you know.
You see me all day every day.
You know what I mean.
I'm living with
Nick now, Charlie.
Right.
Well that's it now, isn't it?
Suddenly I'm not available.
When I was available, you
weren't all that bothered.
I was bothered.
I just didn't show it.
Night, Charlie.
Night.
Take tomorrow off.
Why?
We could go to the market,
get something to eat.
Yeah, but why?
It'd just be nice to
spend some time together.
You feel so guilty about?
Nothing.
You've been screwing
Charlie, ain't you?
Oh, for God's sake, Nick.
Why were you late?
-I stayed late 'cause I-
-'Cause you got in late.
Why did you get in late?
I had to go somewhere.
Where?
The library.
Library, what for?
To look something up.
Then I had to talk to somebody
-about something.
-Something, somebody.
Jesus!
If I screwed somebody,
I'd tell you.
I haven't screwed anybody
'cause I love you,
you stupid prick!
I wish I didn't,
but I do, right?
I love you.
Front fastening.
Stockings.
No suspenders.
Course I'm wearing 'em.
Crotchless.
Shh.
Karen, urgent call line six.
Hello?
Karen Walker?
Yes it is.
Yes I will check for you.
One minute, hold the line.
No, it doesn't seem
to have been entered.
Yes, I do understand but,
-Excuse me.
-There is nothing.
I don't know.
No, our nurses are
not computer trained.
He's in there.
Understood, yes.
Okay, goodbye.
There's something wrong with me.
Okay.
I want to hold you
in my arms till you say
Turn you loose
I want to do the
things for you
Till you say it ain't no use
I want to wake
you every morning
With a good morning kiss
I want to kiss you
to say the same way
'cause I know you like this
I want to do
everything for you
'cause that's all
that a man can do
When he loves a
woman like I love you
And I love you, love you
Love you, love you
Love you, love you
Ooh wee I love you
I want to say sweet
things to you till you say
I said enough
I want to stand right
by your side when the
Going gets tough
I want to mend your
broken heart till you say
The hurt is gone
I wanna stay with you always
So that you'd
You're playing.
Right from the start?
Yep.
For myself?
No.
Where's Nick
In the hospital.
Yes!
Delly!
All the
tests finished now?
Yeah I think so.
Countess Dracula pops
in for a swift half
now and again.
And they've said nothing?
Nah.
Well they were asking
about my holiday.
What?
Went to Africa.
So?
So?
So they're testing for AIDS.
You haven't got AIDS.
How would you know?
I just know.
Why are you worrying about AIDS?
I'm not.
What did you get up to?
What do you mean?
What did you get
up to on holiday?
Nothing.
I need a piss.
What did you get up to?
Look, Karen, don't
discuss this now, okay?
I can't believe he did it.
I can't believe he screwed
someone on holiday.
Leave him.
Want some more tea?
Leave him.
I can't.
Why not?
I just can't, Paula.
You're only doing it 'cause
you feel sorry for him.
I'm not doing it 'cause
-I feel sorry for him.
-Yes you are.
You're throwing your life away.
-You can't base a relationship-
-There's nothing you can tell
-me that I don't already know.
-Listen to me, you cannot
base a relationship on pity.
I know that.
You think I don't know that?
And we're only living
with each other anyway.
It's not as if we've
thought of having kids
or getting married or anything.
No, just juice.
Thanks.
Leave him.
Nurse?
I've got a big problem.
Nurse, nurse.
Bye.
Steroids?
You know it?
Those hairy arse Russian
women take them, don't they?
Shell potters and that.
You know, Sammy's type.
Hey, hey, hey, hey,
it's a hospital.
Are they working?
Well, I can do that now.
Oh, very good.
Can you still do this though?
What's wrong with him?
Don't know.
So what you
brought me now?
Nothing.
Nothing?
Brought
ourselves, haven't we?
Ay, ya bunch of
tight ass bastards.
It's valuable,
our time, mate.
That's sacrifice.
Wouldn't mind getting
a bed bath off her.
Lying bastard.
Twice a day if I want to.
Bollocks.
I'm saying.
What's wrong with him?
Hey, mate, he wants to know
what's the matter with you.
Tell him to mind his
own bloody business.
Any luck with Bridget?
Fun day.
All of it bad.
You know what it is?
She knows it's gonna happen.
And when it does, it's gonna
go right off the Richter scale.
So she's just
postponing the pleasure,
smacking her lips
in anticipation.
Otherwise, she'll have
that pint over your head.
How are you feeling, Nick?
Much better, aye, thanks.
When do I go home?
Today if you like. I've
asked a nurse to pop along
and get a urethral swab.
A what?
It's nothing.
The nurse will take a
sample from your penis
with a little swab.
Okay?
See you.
You jammy bastard.
Oh, no, all shrivelled up.
Ah you're all right,
she looks like she's got a good
sense of humour, that nurse.
And good eyesight.
Quick somebody tell
us a dirty joke quick.
It'll take more than
a dirty joke, mate.
You're talking a trip to
Lou's, I've seen your dick.
Yeah so is your butt.
I surely died laughing.
Could do with a big
black man, that nurse.
Kashwing!
So, Nick, we'll get
this little sample done
and you can be on
your way back home.
All right.
See ya.
Here.
No.
-Come on.
-Give me that.
-Give it, heh?
-Stupid.
It's me.
Come on.
What is it?
I pissed myself.
Don't worry about it.
And this will go on your penis.
Small, medium or large?
Medium?
Nick?
Didn't you hear me?
No.
What happened here?
Multiple Sclerosis
Self Help Guide.
One foot down the hole.
We don't know it's MS.
It's MS.
It might be MS.
So who else knows?
No one, just the doctors and-
And?
I had to let them know in work.
Charlie.
He's my boss.
Come here.
Jesus Christ, Karen.
I love you.
I love you.
This piece in the paper
once about Ronnie Lane.
Remember him?
No.
He used to play
guitar for the Faces,
you know, Rod
Stewart's old group.
Made a couple of solo albums
himself, this braggart.
Anyway this bit in the paper
said he had MS.
And I always knew what MS was
but who knew I would get it.
Couple weeks later there
was a bigger article
about how Rod Stewart
and the rest of the band
were getting together
to do a charity concert.
I remember thinking
that was really nice.
And then held out on
your lean after that.
Yeah I've always
wondered whether Rod
still keeps in touch.
It won't be MS.
It'll be something else.
Aye.
Three
My lucky number
And fortune
Comes in threes
But we
Are we like numbers
That even little children
Seem to see
No results here, I'm afraid.
Besides being a bit of a cockup.
Can you make
four weeks today?
Four weeks?
But I'm on holiday
next week, you see?
Well can you telephone
us before you go?
That'll be difficult,
I'm afraid.
Please?
Wanker.
And when I knew
nothing at all
Shit!
However, high
pressure is the theme
for the next several days
drifting slowly northwards.
That means winds will
turn into the northwest.
Says here cannabis might help.
But it
stays actually dry.
But then behind this
one, much cooler air
will spread down.
It might help.
Hmm.
And
that'll bring frost
around central eastern
parts of Britain
on the cloudy cool Saturday
over there at the west.
Probably though, mainly fine.
Hello.
What a friend.
Tony.
Tony.
Yeah, I understand.
Yeah.
I have heard of them, yes.
Well?
They've ruled
everything else out.
All that's left is MS.
Is that all he said?
Well he gave me the number
to the multiple
sclerosis society.
What's for dinner?
Pasta and salad.
There's cheesecake for afters.
You spoil me.
Hi, mommy.
You're here.
Good to see you.
This MS, or multiple sclerosis.
Are you gonna die?
Julie.
What's gonna happen?
Julie, will you keep it shut?
It's all right.
Well we don't know yet.
At worst, end up
in a wheelchair.
Or I might just fall
a few times, you know,
drop things, get a bit clumsy.
We got you these
to help you understand
a bit more about it.
Right.
Can I see one?
Thanks.
Can murder a pint.
It was an unruly night
Stars shining bright
Whispered oh I
Love to say goodbye
No alcohol!
What was that like?
It's crap.
So you're off the
baby for good then?
We'll just black out these
desi smells, you know?
Takes me eight
pounds to get them.
Chris.
Sorry.
It's not bloody fair, son.
Well it's not the end
of the world, dad.
You're fighting it?
Yeah, well what do you think?
It's not bloody fair.
Same again, yeah?
Yeah, another shot.
You got everything you need?
Night.
Night.
Are you still gonna be
able to have babies?
I hope so.
Night.
Can I watch the telly?
Of course.
Night.
If you love me half
as much as I love you
You don't want to
come back home, son?
No.
I want you home.
Mommy, no.
Nick, I'm not stupid.
I know that would be the
worst thing for you because
I would smother you.
I wouldn't let you move, eh?
But that's just the
way I am, Nick, hmm?
You're still my baby.
Son.
Bag's full.
What?
My bag's full.
I'll come with you.
I can manage on my own.
Where's he going?
His bag's full.
Sure you're all right?
I can manage on my own.
What bag?
My urine bag.
Whatever be this blue
Ugh, Jesus!
You all right in there, Nick?
Gas.
What?
It's full of gas from the beer.
Gas?
Something to do
with the tube he's got
running down his leg.
Stupid shit!
Oh my god!
Ah!
Oh for God's sake!
Nick, what are you doing?!
How you doing,
Karen, you all right?
Have you any scrannin or
the chippies of short?
Yeah, help yourself.
Cheers.
You all right?
Hunky dory.
It should have been me, girl.
It should have been me.
Night now.
Wanna help an old cripple?
Walk to me, son.
Come on.
Get out of that bed
and walk to me.
Throw away your bloody sticks.
Go to bed, da.
The ever present award goes
to George, our goalkeeper.
Sure his cross is a
bit like Dracula would.
Missed just one game all
season, from a back injury
probably brought on
through picking the ball
out of the back of the
net the previous game.
What do you think of that diet?
What?
The diet.
In the book, the
essential fatty acid diet.
A bit too much of hard work.
We should give it a try, though.
Eh, whatever.
We should make a
list of the foods
that we can and can't eat.
We?
Sorry?
You keep saying we all the time.
Well I'm not gonna talk
into steak and chips
while you're eating cabbage
and bean sprouts, am I?
Is that right?
What are you thinking?
Oh, nothing.
What about music?
I'll do that.
-What do you want?
-Jesus Christ, Karen.
Sorry.
Since you took
your love away
I'm not going back to work.
I know.
So how do we pay the rent?
We don't.
We can't stay here anymore.
Why not?
There's too many stairs.
What do you think about
moving to Glasgow?
Glasgow?
Hmm.
We could ask your family
to keep their eyes open
for a place. And
I could get a job.
I'm sure Charlie could
give a good reference.
What?
No, I get it.
Don't need to explain,
you know, Glasgow.
Hello, Mr. And Mrs. Cameron.
I brought your son back.
You look after him.
-Sorry I've been
-That's not what I meant,
-Nick.
-put on you like this.
-That's not what I meant!
-I've got to pass on back.
-I've got a better good job
-I didn't mean that!
-Doing this job again!
-Jesus, Nick!
Fuck you!
Fucking bollocks!
Nothing compares to you
I know how hard it is for him.
He's the one who's sick.
But in a way, it's easy.
There's a lot of him
because he's got no choice.
He's gotta get on with it.
But I do have a choice.
I could leave him.
I don't want to leave him,
it'd be hard to leave him, but
I could leave him.
And that's hard.
It's harder than just
having to get on with it.
Karen.
Stop worrying about Nick.
Come here.
Remember me?
Yeah.
I remember you.
I remember when
we used to sit
In the government
down in Trenchtown
Any luck with Bridget?
No.
Shit.
Same again?
-No, I'll get it.
-No, no, I'll get 'em.
No man, it's my round.
Shit.
What?
Don't fucking patronise
me, Tony, okay?
I don't know what
you're talking about.
What?!
I wanna be told to
get my round on.
I want...
I want a bit of stick!
And I want a pastin on there.
Cause...
'Cause I'm still the
fucking same up here.
I'm still the same.
Bollocks.
Leave it.
I could send the van around,
pick up your stuff.
You don't even have to see him.
No, I shouldn't even be here.
Heel.
Heel.
Oh, piss off.
Put your weight forward.
-Oh, piss off, Karen.
-Heel.
Heel.
Heel.
Oh, fuck off!
Put your fucking heel down!
Heel!
Heel.
Does it affect his nudger?
I wanted his place in the team
but not like this.
Now I'm messing out of me!
Does it affect his nudger?
The stick I gave him when
he missed that sitter.
I thought he missed
it 'cause he was crap.
He was.
He was sick.
Sick and crap.
It's pointy, isn't
it, affect his nudger.
The quickie's out of
the window, he says.
The quickie?
You know, sudden urge,
rip up her knickers.
Wham bam thank you ma'am.
That way is out he reckons.
What's the other way?
Woman tell me
where did you learn
To handle a man
with so much ease
After all of his life
He's been used to doing
like he pleased yeah
You've got me doing
all the good things
That a man's supposed to do
I know a lot of men
who wish to have
A sweet little
woman like you
'Cause you're kind
is so hard to find
Most people running
on to the pitch
think it's all over.
It is now.
-Yes it is.
-Yeah!
He can put them away.
All he needed was a
smaller fix!
Cheers, Sammy.
Shit.
Remission.
That could be last for
the rest of my life.
Karen.
My hands have gone.
My hands have gone.
Come here.
Miserable shit.
Medical science.
Millstone.
Murder suspect, good.
You're not doing him
any favours at all.
Sean, she is not helping.
Where's my cup of coffee?
He's given up, Nick.
Marmot summages.
Monstrous sex.
Missus Spanker.
Hello.
I know that look you gave me.
You think it's my fault
that it's beaten me!
It isn't!
It's bad enough being like this
without you thinking
I'm somehow to blame.
Right.
I need you here
And that is the reason
Lion strides
12 tribes
It takes a second to reckon
Come on, you're a player,
not a bloody net, huh!
My grandmother could
have caught that, Christ!
Look, we haven't lost
since you packed it in,
so what does that prove?
Pus.
That proves
you were crap.
Bollocks.
Plate six, one four, grand two.
Are you having a piss?
Are you pissing in that bag?
No.
Well don't.
Don't have a piss when
I'm talking to you, right?
You played nothing.
We've played Napier.
Stuffed four and O
with you in the team
and drew two all without you.
Any luck with
Bridget, might you?
Don't change the subject.
Meaning no.
Ah, it's just a matter of time.
No chance.
I have more chance than you.
At least I can still
get a stiff one,
you know what I mean?
Ah well so can I!
Bollocks!
Oh, Jeff's missing.
Should be around your
place giving Karen one.
You're a sad case.
You're ugly, right?
You're ugly, you're skin,
you're a four eyed
fricking spaz.
The only thing you
had going for you
was the occasional stiff one
and now you can't
even give her that.
But we're mates, eh?
We'll organise a bit of a roda,
take it in turns to port
round and slip her one.
We'll keep Karen happy,
you can do the biz
with that other spaz
in the park gates, right?
Aye.
What?
I'm giving you a bit
of stick, that's all.
He said he wanted
a bit of stick!
We’re going for a pint now
you tight-fisted, four eyed git.
I lied.
What about?
About my holiday.
In Africa.
Look, I did a lot of shagging
while I was out there,
not just the one time,
but lost of times, lots.
Lots of times and
that's why I thought
they were testing for AIDS.
I don't believe you.
Ask any of the lads.
Why are you telling me now?
'Cause I want you to leave.
I'm getting a bit
sick of you, actually.
Getting a bit sick of
the way that you just...
You just keep taking
charge all the time.
I mean you've got me just
exactly where you want me,
you got me like this!
Christ, totally at your mercy
and you can just piss
off anytime you like
and have a shag with Charlie
and then you'd come back to me.
Be all the neighbours
gone or what-
I went to Glasgow, Nick!
-Budded he must be for that-
-We're going to Glasgow
so how could I have a quick shag
-with Charlie?
-What an age,
oh well no way, right?
No way.
No way.
I'm staying.
I know why you're doing this.
-This is my flat, right?
-You're doing it for me.
This is my flat and
I'm telling you to go.
I'm doing it for me, okay?
I can manage.
I can manage a
lot better for me.
I've got my mates, right?
I've got my mates and
they've always been around.
Nothing's changed.
You are nothing
compared to them.
Nothing's changed, Nick!
Everything's changed!
I told you about Africa.
I told you it's over!
I told you to piss off
but you just stand
there and take it.
Why?
'Cause I'm in this
fucking chair, that's why.
I'm in this chair but
it's you that cannot move.
If there was nothing
the matter with me
you'd have spat in my
face and walked, so do it!
No.
Go.
No.
Karen, just fucking go.
No!
No!
If I ever do you wrong
If I ever leave
you all alone
If I ever tell you a lie
And if I ever make you cry
Baby I wanna fly
Right on my pie
I want a bee sting
me over my eye
You know I love my pie
And I love my eye
So you know
If you don't go,
I'll kill myself.
I love you.
Ladies and gentlemen,
player of the
year, Nick Cameron.
Nick and Karen.
Goodbye
And since you gotta go
Boy you had better go now
Go now go now
Go now
I've been reading about
the situation in Bosnia.
Oh yeah?
Yeah, people getting blown up
all the time, it's terrible.
So do you know what's going
on there because of all that?
No.
An awful lot of shagging.
There's a woman with a
white sticker over there.
Tell her.
Where?
Ah-ah, got you.
Scout watching you?
Yeah.
Yeah, what's so funny?
A bloody girl guide
could see you were crap!
Still in love with you now
Look, we're mates, right?
Right.
So if you do end up in
a wheelchair and that,
Aye?
Can I have your footy
boots?
Go now
Before you see me cry
I've been reading about
the situation in Bosnia.
Piss off.
Say it again.
Piss off.
'Cause how many times
do I have to tell you
darling darling
darling darling darling
Where you going?
Mind your own business.
Fuck off!
Go on there, Tony!
I don't wanna see you go
But boy you had
better go now
Go now go now
Go now
Don't you even try
To tell me
That you really don't wanna
see it end this way now
Don't you know if you
really meant what you said
Darling darling darling
I wouldn't have to
keep on begging you
Begging you
begging you to stay
Go, go now
Goodbye goodbye
Before your tears
start to fall
I think you better go now
Go now
Goodbye goodbye
Before your tears
start to fall
I think you better go now
Go now
Good bye
Good bye
Before I fall
down on my knees
And start bawling bawling