Glory Years (1987) - full transcript

♪ Once upon a time,
when there used to be ♪

♪ We were three of a
kind, my friends and me ♪

♪ Now here we are
between where ♪

♪ we're going and
where we've been ♪

♪ I only pray tomorrow
is half as good ♪

♪ As it was back then ♪

♪ They were years ♪

♪ Years of dreams and glory ♪

♪ They were years ♪

♪ Years of honor,
years of trust ♪

♪ And in this
never ending story ♪



♪ There'll be glory
years ahead for us ♪

♪ Years of dreams and glory ♪

♪ They were years ♪

♪ Years of honor,
years of trust ♪

♪ And in this
never ending story ♪

♪ There'll be glory
years ahead for us ♪

♪ ["Monday Monday" by
The Mamas and The Papas] ♪

Drummond: Shit, where is he?

Uhhh...

Donna Palmer.

She and I were in the same

English class for four years.

I watched those breasts grow up.

John: And even Jack
never scored with her.



Gerald: Yeah,
the only blemish

on an otherwise
remarkable record.

[laughing]

You're not gonna believe this.

Jack!

Jack!

Jack!

Hey hey hey!

Jack, what's this?

I...

I've fallen victim to
a genetic abnormality.

I can distinguish light
patterns, but not at night.

Oh my God, what a tragedy.

You mean what bullshit.

John!

John, is that you?

No, it's Stevie Wonder.

John, that's not
funny, he can't see.

Come on, Gerald, you're not

actually buying this bologna.

This is Jack!

The guy who showed up for his

draft physical wearing a
strapless evening gown.

I'm afraid God has punished me

for stunts like that, I've lost

the precious gift of sight.

Bullshit.

Can somebody walk
me to the booze?

How did you know that there

was a bar here if you
can't see, huh, Jack?

Gerald: Enough already,
John, it's right this way.

Excuse me!

Will you stop that?!

Scotch please.

It's a shame you can't see

a certain female on
the dance floor.

Donna Palmer, the
one that got away.

Remember?

Donna Palmer?

Her husband's a lucky man.

No no, Mr. Stein
says she's divorced.

Oh really?

A hundred bucks says
I nail her tonight.

Bet!

Jack, you don't have
to prove anything to us.

A bet is a bet!

Point me towards her, boys.

Excuse me, I'm blind!

Here, it's this way.

All he's gonna get is a walk.

Donna: Poor Jack, tell
me about your blindness.

It's a hereditary
disorder I wouldn't

wanna pass on, so
I had a vasectomy.

Not that I get to be with
too many women anymore.

Oh Jack, Jack you
are so courageous.

And you're very thoughtful.

The guys tell me you're more

beautiful than ever, could...

Could I possibly
touch your face?

See, he's caressing her face.

She let him touch
her face because

she thinks he's blind!

That's as far as it goes!

[stammering]

The master of disaster is back!

Yes!
Yeah!

Drummond: Yeah, Jack Sanders.

There's never a dull
moment when Jack's around.

He's the master of disaster.

[coughs]

Jesus, we shouldn't
be smoking this stuff,

I read it causes
genetic damage in rats.

You want your kids to
be born with two tails?

First I need a wife, then I'll

worry about how many
tails my kid has.

[clapping]

Like fine wine, they've
gotten better with age.

[clapping]

You haven't, Mr. Stein!

Whoever said that, I wanna see

your mother first
thing Monday morning!

[laughing]

Just jesting.

In 1966, Senior Class
Treasurer Gerald Arkin

proposed that we
initiate a college

scholarship fund for
disadvantaged students.

Woman: That's all of us!

Inside of that drum is money.

$25,000!

[clapping]

I tell you, Jack
could have taken him.

Yeah, when was the last time

you, me, and Jack were together?

Your mother's funeral?

Jack wasn't at the funeral.

It was my mother's last request.

I know, it was the day
after your suicide attempt!

I don't remember.

Yeah, well you
were heavily sedated.

Yeah, that was the day he tried

to hit me up for a loan.

He said he blew a
bundle investing

in stone wash jeans.

I hated to say no,
but every penny

I make goes into my video store.

Maybe I should have taken

my mother to another specialist.

No more dope for you, you're

getting guilt-ridden
and paranoid.

Why couldn't I had just had

my mother come live with
us after my father died?

Because she was a pain in the

ass just like you are.

Yeah.
[clapping]

Because of you,
the class of 1966...

We came back too early, Stein

the human sleeping
pill's talking.

Stein: On Monday, Gerald Arkin

will redeposit that money,
and shortly thereafter,

we will begin selecting
the lucky recipients

of your generosity.

The class of 1966!
[clapping]

At this time, I feel compelled

to ask the driving force
behind this endeavour,

Gerald Arkin, to come up here

and say a few words.

Gerald?

[clapping]
[whistling]

I can't go up there.

I can't go up there, they'll
know I'm stoned, John!

Gerald?

You've gotta go up
there, help me out.

Look, I have a good reputation

with these people, please!

All right, all right, all right,

don't you flip out on me.

Cool, okay.

Where are you?

Man: Who is that?

Woman:
I can't remember him...

For those of you that
don't recognize me,

my name is John Moss.

Gerald asked me to
speak on his behalf

because he's a little
choked up at the moment.

You know how emotional
dentists can get.

[laughing]

But this alumni fund has
meant so much to him.

Only two weeks after
Gerald attempted suicide...

[crowd murmuring]

He was back soliciting
money for the alumni fund.

Now that's the kind of man that

my friend Gerald Arkin is!

[clapping]
[cheering]

I was in the bathroom because

I had a stomach ache!

I wasn't smoking any marijuana!

I haven't smoked any
marijuana since the sixties!

Right, John?!

Why are you all looking at me?!

Gerald?

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine, Mr. Stein.

I was, like John said, I
was pulling everybody's leg.

You had me worried.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Where's your lovely
wife tonight, Gerald?

Lois?

Oh, she's off on a
three day weekend.

To be perfectly
honest, Mr. Stein,

after my attempted
suicide, Lois and I

joined the suicide
prevention couples group.

And well, I got bored with it.

She loves it.

They're in Niagara Falls.

And John's better half?

He's still looking
for his better half.

Would you like to dance?

Uh, uh...

Gerald: Go to it, John.

It's been nice
dancing with you, Renee.

Well, good try.
Maybe next reunion.

Excuse me.

Hey John, what
happened with Renee?

Ah, I can't dance
that fast crap.

Gerald: Come
on, you move well.

You're a liar.

Gerald: I'm only trying.

Uh oh.

John: Well?

Gerald: Oh no no
no, I got the picture.

Beautiful, voluptuous red head,

and the blind man falling to the

grass in an impassioned embrace.

I nailed her in the Chem
Lab next to the inert gases.

You're such a romantic.

Hey, I do my best, pal, see?

Confidentially,
boys, I spent a lot

of time alone in
my room thinking

about Donna Palmer,
you know what I mean?

Probably why you went blind.

[laughing]

Blind, Gerald, listen, how's

my little Goddaughter
Jacqueline doing, huh?

She's great.

She got my eyes.

Unfortunately, she
has her mother's nose.

Hey, you know, I
tell everybody how

you named her after me.

Thanks.

Hey, you okay with
this suicide business?

What, are you kidding?

I spend too much time thinking

about my impotency to
worry about suicide.

John, how's your
love life going, huh?

Ah, that'll be
all right as soon

as I learn how to dance fast.

How about yourself?

Not bad, I'm going out with

this great girl, Melinda Murphy,

her family's real big
in the Garment Center,

got a nice house on Long Island.

Geez, you oughta see this thing.

Sounds like a
good deal for you.

Not bad, not bad, except her

father hates my guts.
Frankly, my lifestyle

is not conducive to a
stable relationship,

just ask my ex-wives.

John: You're still in
touch with your ex-wives?

Jack: Yeah, I send them a few

bad checks every now and then.

Bad checks?

Why would you do that?

Jack, who is that?

Jack!

Hey, you're in some kind of

trouble, aren't you, Jack?

Get in here and
close the door now!

John: Jack, who was
that guy out there?

Jack: His name is Drummond,

he's a strong
armed boy who works

for a loan shark that
I'm in deep with.

John: Uh huh.
Gerald: Uh huh.

Jack: I need to borrow
some money, my friends.

John: Uh huh.
Gerald: Uh huh.

Jack: $25,000.

Some friends!

If you were in
that much trouble,

it was stupid of you to show up

at your own reunion!

Well I had to
come, I didn't think

that gorilla would think
the blind man was me!

Gerald, you're
gonna have to lend

me the alumni fund.

Are you nuts?!

Shhh, keep your voice down!

I got inside information on

a fight in Las Vegas tomorrow.

Tomorrow is the Middleweight

Championship of the World!

That's the main event, I'm
talking about the prelim.

Two welterweights,
Manny Larriaga

against Frank Bukowski.

Manny's a two to one favorite,

he's gonna take a
dive in round six.

Look, Jack, as
your friend I would

like to say yes, but as
Senior Class Treasurer,

I have to say no.

Gerald!

You're forgetting how you became

the Senior Class Treasurer.

I rigged that
election, remember?

Look, that money is
not mine to give you!

I only need it
to make the bet,

after the fight
you'll have $75,000,

you'll have the
alumni money back

ready for deposit,
I take the second

25 Gs, pay this gunzo off,

you keep the remaining 25!

$25,000. I could put
my mother in a mausoleum.

And with the money
that's left over

I could get my
daughter a nose job.

Wait a minute, why
does Gerald get 25 grand?

Don't start.

Look, I'm the one
who's taking the risk,

I'm lending it to him.

Well I'm warning both of you,

if you don't cut me in on this,

the friendship is
over, finished!

You are such a baby!

All right, if you're
in we each gotta

take a third responsibility
for the alumni fund

-if anything goes wrong, right?
-Right.

-Right?
-Right!

-Nothing will go wrong, will it?
-Nah, come to Vegas with me,

we'll drink, we'll gamble,
we'll screw hookers,

we'll do everything
we did in High School.

We screwed hookers
in High School?

I did! Come on, we'll pack 20
years of fun into two days.

Come on, guys, what do you say?

My heart is beating so fast!

I say yes!

I don't know if this
is fear or excitement.

I just know that I'm
feeling something.

This always happens when
you're around, Jack.

Well...

Yes, I'll do it, I'll do it!

It'll be just like old times!

Oh God, that's
what I'm afraid of.

[laughing]

Gerald: Jack, are you sure
Manny Larriaga's

going to lose it on purpose?

Jack: It's a sure thing.

Gerald: You sure?

Gerald: Sure I'm sure!

John: I can't
believe the entire

alumni fund fit in
that little satchel.

Jack: Hey, he's kidding, driver,
there's no money in the satchel.

It's his underwear.

John: Beautiful entrance.

That's okay, I
can carry this one.

It's my bag!

He's very attached
to that bag.

"My bag!"

Gentlemen, I
give you The Dunes!

John: Jack,
let's test our luck.

[quarters dispensing]

[laughing]

Now look, if we
drop down the whole

25 Gs on the prelim
fight, someone's

gonna get suspicious, we gotta

divide the bet up into
three separate bets.

John: How much time do
we have before the fight?

About an hour, but we're gonna

need some time to get the
tickets from the scalpers.

Hi, my name is Norma,
you gentlemen ready?

I'm too nervous to eat.

Look, I'm gonna go
to the gift shop.

Excuse me.

[enchanting music]

What's your soup du jour?

Why John, is there
one you won't eat?

Clam chowder, it's quite good.

[quarters drop]

Aw, I'm such a klutz!

I'll help you.

What happened to your hand?

Oh, I burned it
in the kitchen.

I'm kind of klutzy myself.

I'm getting kind
of hungry myself!

I'll have a bowl of
chowder, a caesar salad,

a veil parmigiana, and
an order of french fries.

You got enough paper
on there for that order?

So what do you
recommend, sweetheart?

For you?

The large mouth bass
would be appropriate.

[snickers]

I'll have a chicken pot
pie and a beer please.

Smartass.

Nice ass.

Well Larry Holmes,
the odds makers

have made Manny
Larriaga a two to one

favorite in this fight
against Frank Bukowski,

frankly I have to agree.

Right Al, Manny
has a little bit

too much experience, and I think

he's gonna dominate the fight.

Okay, here they come now.

[trumpet instrumental music]

Hey, Wilson, I
knew you'd be here.

Yeah, word is out on you, man.

Jack: What do you hear?

What I hear is
there's a loan shark

who's gonna bust you up real bad

to make an example if
you do not pay him.

Man, you gotta get
your ass outta here.

Thanks for the
warning, but I'm

bailing out with this fight.

Yeah right, okay,
we'll hang later, man.

Maybe.

Jack, what are they gonna do

to you if you don't pay up?

They'll break every bone in my

body, then they'll get angry.

[bell dings]

Ring Announcer: Good evening

ladies and gentlemen, welcome to

the Total Sports
Pavilion where tonight,

later in the evening, Risobo
Hotel and Country Club

will proudly present
a 15 round contest...

Are you sure
it'll be all right?

Yeah, it's all right.

The opening bout
of the evening

features ten rounds of boxing...

Bukowski's gonna
knock Manny out!

Ring Announcer: Introducing,
in the blue corner,

here is Frank "The
Terminator" Bukowski!

[cheering]
[booing]

Hey, [mumble], a winner!

And in the red
corner, out fighting

out of Scranton,
Pennsylvania, introducing

Manny "The Mongoose" Larriaga!

[thunderous cheering]

[mocking sounds]

Referee: Let me
have your attention,

once again I wanna tell you to

protect yourselves at all times.

Watch your low blows and watch

your holding and
hitting, above all,

when I tell you
break, I want you

to step back and break clean,

you understand that,
you understand?

Shake hands and good
luck to you both.

[bell dings]

This is round
five and it's been

nonstop since the opening bell.

I'll tell you, this fight
will not go the distance,

not if it keeps up at this pace.

[cheering]

What's Larriaga doing?

Jack, he almost
knocked Bukowski out.

Relax, he's just
making it look good.

[bell dings]

Gerald: I don't know, Jack.

Jack: This is it, this is
our round, boys, round six.

[whistles]

God, I think I'm gonna faint.

Wait for Larriaga.
You can go down together.

[bell ding]

Come on.

Well here we go, round six.

All right, kicking in.

What the...

[slow motion] No!

Nooooo!

Nooooo!

[booing]

He can't go down!

No, he can't go down!

He can't go down!

I got too much...

Robert: It's him, it's him!

It's the scum that spoiled
your wedding, Melinda!

But I couldn't
have married Steven

feeling the way I do about Jack!

And he is not a scum!

Why is he in that ring?

Because he is
scum, that's why!

Oh...

Could have been a union of two

of the finest families
in the Garment Center.

And then that scum comes along.

I love him, daddy.

You can love Steven.

You?!

You...

You, I hate you, I
hate you, I hate you.

Al: Security guards seem to

have everything under control,

we just have to find out what

in the world is going on.

Book me on a
flight to Las Vegas.

This is the craziest
thing I've ever seen.

Drummond.

Drummond!

Look at this.

Look who it is!

It's Jack Sanders.

Go to Las Vegas, you bring me

back my 25 grand!

Or you bring back his spleen!

I have never seen
anything quite like this.

As you saw, a man
jumped into the ring

just as Frank Bukowski
was about to go down,

and he kept Frank from
hitting the canvas.

Larry Holmes is up
in the ring now,

Larry, can you hear me?

Referee David Curly,
is this fight official?

Yes, it's official, I knocked

that motherfucker out!

Hell, I haven't officially
counted him out yet.

Come on, man, he's out!

How about it, Al?

Al: They finally pulled the

man away from Frank Bukowski.

One, two, three...

Al: And Davie Probe is
counting Bukowski out now.

Six, seven, eight, nine, ten!

Al: Well that's it, it's
official,

Larriaga is the winner.

[trumpet instrumental music]

It's gone!

$25,000!

Easy! Take it easy.

This is Las Vegas!

Remember, you can win just
as easily as you can lose.

We'll get it back.

Yeah, I swear on
my seventh wife.

The master of disaster!

Gerald, I told you I'd get
the money back for you.

It's all yours.

Come on, I'll buy you a drink.

$25,300.

Excuse me, sir.

Yes?

Aren't you the
man who wouldn't

let his mother live with him
after your father died?

Well yes, but...

Then we can't cash these.
Casino rules.

Where are you
going with my chips?

Excuse me, where's
he going with my...

I couldn't let my
mother live with me!

She and Lois just
didn't get along!

My mother lives
with me and my wife.

Face it, Gerald, you
hated your mother!

No I didn't, I love my mother.

I love my mother, I love
my mother, I love...

I love my mother,
I love my mother!

I love my mother,
I love my mother!

Maybe we should
wake Oedipus up, huh?

Nah, let him sleep.

Between losing the money
and the

police interrogation,
he's exhausted.

Thank God they dropped
the criminal charges.

Well, they had to.
What're they gonna do,

charge him with
breaking and entering

a boxing ring in
a lawful stoppage

of a prize fight?

I still don't see
how you're gonna

win the money back
cheating at cards.

Listen and learn, my friend,

the key to winning
at blackjack is

knowing where the
ten value cards are.

Picture cards and tens, that is.

If I can mark those
cards, it gives me just

enough of an advantage
to beat the house.

Well, how you gonna do that?

The dealer and
the pit boss are watching you

like a hawk, and
upstairs they're watching

through the one way
mirror in the ceiling!

Huh.

You see John,
I got hair cream on.

By touching
my hair lightly, I put

a small fingerprint of grease on
the back of any ten value card

I get in my hand.

Next time that card
comes up, boom.

I spot the fingerprint.

Yeah, but won't they know it?

Only my hairdresser
will know for sure.

Oh!

Oh sheesh, I dreamt
that we won all

the money back and
they wouldn't pay off.

What have I done?

That money was to provide an

education for
disadvantaged students.

Because of me, poor kids won't
get to go to college.

Poor kids shouldn't
go to college,

they should be out working!

Best situation for me to do is

to get the dealer alone
with no other players

that way I can mark
the cards faster.

I'm too nervous to eat.

I'm going to the gift shop.

Norma!

Hi, Norma!

Good morning, John.

Hey Norma, you remember Jack.

Yeah, unfortunately I do.

Do you have a moment to sit?

Well I really have...

Sure, I have a minute
before my shift.

And I thought
chivalry was dead.

John: A cassette
of The Shining!

A very scary movie.

The scarier the better.

I love horror films.

It's my favorite genre!

Gee, John, I thought food
was your favorite genre.

I could give you all the inside

scoop on all the good
horror movies!

I own a video store.

Really?

Do you know if the sequel to

Nightmare on Elm Streetis
as good as the original?

No way!

You know John, if
you're still in town

tonight maybe we could
watch this together.

I'd really like that, Norma.

Yeah John, you
could be in for a real

night of horror with Norma here!

I'm leaving now,
Norma, you're up.

Well, you know...

I don't know why
John is with you,

but I bet there's a cure for it.

You know, Jack, you could be
a little nicer to Norma.

Why?

Because I really
like her, Jack.

Psh!

Let's go before
my hair dries up.

Be gentle with me, sweetheart.

It's my first time.

I wasn't cheating!
Ow, my arm!

I'm gonna sue them
for defamation.

How dare they accuse
me of cheating

in front of all those people?!

Jack, you can't blame the
dude, you were cheating!

Now what do we do?

Now what are we gonna do?!

Yeah.

This!

John: Minnie's Ranch?

Jack, this is a whore house!

Yeah, this is just
the tonic we need.

What we need is
my $25,000 back!

Now look, Gerald,
we are on what

is known in the gambling
world as a schneid,

translated into
everyday language,

that means our luck
is up our asses, pal.

And going to a whore house
is gonna change our luck?

Look, we go get our
batteries recharged,

we take a nice drive
out to the ranch,

we get laid, we come
back fresh as a daisy!

I don't think I wanna go.

Johnny!

Look at these women,
they're primed

and ready to do anything
your heart desires.

Sure, for money.

No, for jelly beans!

Look, all my life
I've been paying

women for their favors, and I
don't wanna do it anymore!

Wait a minute, how about when
we all nailed Andrea Hollander

underneath the boardwalk, you
didn't have to pay for that!

I never told you, but
she stole my wallet.

Okay look, they take credit
cards here at Minnie's.

I'll tell you what,
it'll be my treat,

you won't have to pay a penny.

Look, John,
maybe we should go.

It might change our luck.

What are you gonna do
there? You're impotent.

Go for the ride.

Maybe they have a game room.

It's settled.

Listen, we go upstairs, I wash
this crap out of my hair...

John: Gerald, when exactly did
your virility problem begin?

Gerald: As soon
as I saw my mother

hooked up to the intravenous.

John: Gerald, your mother's
illness wasn't your fault.

Gerald: I know, but I'm the one
who picked the Korean doctor.

Gerald, I feel it in my bones,

you're gonna conquer your
little problem at the ranch.

Yes sir, mark down
this date because

in just a couple of
hours, you're gonna

become a regular
stud again, pal!

♪ ["You've Lost
That Loving Feeling"

by The Righteous Brothers] ♪

It's just a song.

♪ ["Sugar Pie Honey
Bunch" by The Four Tops] ♪

Hi, can you connect me to a

Jack Sanders, I hear he's
staying at this hotel.

Thank you.

♪ ["Woolly Bully" by Sam
The Sham & The Pharaohs] ♪

No answer, Operator?

Okay fine, can you give me
that room number please?

You're not allowed?

Here you go, ma'am.

Thank you.

Hi.
Hi, may I help you?

Yes, this is so embarrassing.
See,

I snuck out of my room
to go gamble

at another hotel when my
husband was sleeping...

I left the key up there.

No problem,
happens all the time.

What's your room number?

Melinda: This is
what I'm so ashamed of.

I cannot remember
to save my life!

All right, what floor is it on?

It slipped my mind.
Boy, do I feel foolish.

Listen, I'll give you
my husband's

last name and you
can give me the key!

Sorry, I'm not allowed.

Listen, you have
got to help me here!

If my husband finds out that
I am not in that room...

Okay, fine, he beats me!

You should leave him!

I am going to, young man, but
my clothes are in the room!

I'll get you the key.
What's the name?

Mrs. Jack Sanders.

♪ ["Sugar Pie Honey
Bunch" by The Four Tops] ♪

That's her, man,
come on, let's go!

Come on, Lupe, we're
gonna lose her, come on!

Melinda: Minnie's Ranch.

Hey, let's go, Lupe.

Forget it, man, she'll get away!

Come on!

Don't you touch my winnings.
I'll cut your balls off!

Juan: Come on, hurry up!

There's only two reasons why

a woman goes out to a
place like Minnie's Ranch.

One is to find her man,
and the other's to find work.

Know what I mean, huh?

Intercom: [buzz] Welcome,
your pleasure is our pleasure.

Don't get too
close to her, man,

we don't want her to get wise.

What'd this Jack
Sanders do anyway?

Mr. Murphy's daughter
fell in love with him,

and she chickened out of her
wedding to this other dude.

And that wrecked
this merger between

Mr. Murphy and the
groom's father.

Business.

Well, how bad are we gonna
mess up this Jack Sanders?

Mr. Murphy said we could use
our own discretion.

Can I cut off his face?

Yeah, if that's
your own discretion.

[chuckles]

Well, here it is, boys.
The fun house.

The last one in is
"the last one in."

Gerald: Uh, Jack?

[whistles]

I'm not going in.

I can't believe it, Jack.

You got me so crazy I was gonna

go into this place and make
a complete fool of myself.

Gerald, you gotta
think positive!

Make believe that this
is your bat mitzvah

and today you are a man!

Damn you, don't
you understand that

impotency is a
complex psychosomatic

sexual dysfunction?

There are no simplistic cures!

Gerald, you know why
you can't get it up

because you think too much.
All the blood goes inside your

head instead of going
downstairs where it belongs.

Lay off of him, Jack.

All right, all right,
stay here, but it's

obvious to me that you
don't care about your wife.

My wife?

What's Lois got to do with this?

Think about it, how many more

loveless nights can
this woman bear?

You owe it to your wife
to go in there and get laid!

How does he keep
doing this to me?!

I don't know.

But he's good at it.

Too bad Mr. Murphy doesn't

want us to ice
this Jack Sanders,

we'd make a lot more money.

Hey, don't be greedy.

$5,000 to slice up the
dude is pretty good bread.

Yes, my brother,
we've come a long way

from pushing a rack
on Seventh Avenue, no?

That car's been
tailing us a long time.

Melinda: It's them!
It's the Mojicas!

Driver, can you
please go faster?

No way, honey,
if I go any faster

I'll lose my licence. One more
speeding ticket, it's out!

Do you remember you asked me

why I was going
to Minnie's Ranch?

Well, you were absolutely
right. I work there,

and if you lose
that car behind us,

I will make sure that
you get carte blanche

at the ranch for the
rest of your life!

What exactly you
mean by carte blanche?

Free sex.

[tires screech]

Stay up with them!

All right!

Hey, what'd you rent this slow
piece of crap for anyway?

Well you think I'm driving

this economy car
because I requested it?

Man, Las Vegas is booked solid
because of the fight last night,

this was all they had left.

[police siren]

I guess this slow piece of crap
isn't as slow as I thought.

♪ ["Baby I Need Your
Lovin'" by Johnny Rivers] ♪

I'd appreciate
it if you reserve

your best girl for my
friend Gerald over there.

My girls all have
varying talents.

What's he into?

Lately nothing.
His thing has been

on the fritz,
if you know what I mean.

Tell me more about him.

Jack: Well he's married
with a little daughter,

he's a dentist, he tried
killing himself once.

What else?

Oh yeah, he feels
guilty about everything,

he still blames himself for
the breakup up The Supremes.

I have just the right girl.

Gina. She's on her
break in the kitchen.

How will you be paying?

Credit card.

I'll go get Gina.

[Native American chanting]

Now does that
really mean free sex,

or what about extras like if
I needed a towel or something.

Melinda: I don't see them.

Of course you don't see them,

the way I'm traveling
Mario Andretti

couldn't keep up with us!

Now come on, answer
the question.

Yeah, towels are
included, all right?

You know, you're a pretty kid.

How did you get into
this line of work?

I mean, I don't think I could
sell my body for money.

Yeah, I don't think so either.

What are you boys doing way
out here in the desert?

Fresh air!

We're from New York, and we
don't get very much fresh air.

You can't bullshit me!

You guys are on your way to
Minnie's Ranch, aren't you?

You're a smart man, Officer!

Yeah, we are going
to Minnie's Ranch!

Yes, Minnie's Ranch!

There's nothing like
being in the saddle.

Hey, we love to
ride them fillies.

Oh, a couple of
wise asses, huh?

Let's have a look in this trunk!

Open it!

Step back please.

[mumble]

Chief.

Listen, I know I asked you to

take care of
Gerald, but is there

any way I could
possibly get Gina?

Your credit card
is overextended,

and they told me to destroy it.

Wait a minute, I just sent
them a check in the mail.

They said they hadn't received
a payment from you since 1984.

Well you know how
slow the mail is.

Look, I'm sure in
your line of work

you've become a pretty
good judge of character.

Now do I look like
the kind of guy

that would stick
you with a bad card?

Now either I get cash,
or a valid credit card,

or I'm afraid you and your
friends will have to leave.

Excuse me, ladies,
a little boy talk.

John, listen, I got
a little problem with my

credit card,
and I was wondering--

Forget it, Jack!

Let's get out of here.

John, I--

No, I told you, I'm
not paying, period.

Let's go.

All right, I know
when I'm licked,

but I don't have
the heart to go in there

and break the news to Gerald.

It took him so much
guts to do this, man!

I want the money back, Jack.

I'm telling you, man, I mean it,

every penny, I want
the money back!

I mean it!

Hey man, it's illegal to search
our car without proper cause.

Got proper cause,
you're Hispanic.

Have a nice day.

Redneck.

Tell me about your
suicide attempt.

Why?

It turns me on.

Well, I took pills.

Actually, I didn't take pills.
I took vitamin A.

You tried to kill
yourself by taking vitamins?

Well, vitamin is lethal
in large doses.

It seemed like a very healthy
way to take my life.

I... Look, this is
a waste of time.

Nothing is gonna happen here.

So come and get it, big guy!

Gale, I hope you don't
take this the wrong way.

You're a very sexy girl.

It's just...

I think I'm falling in love.

I'm not really sure because
I've never been in love before.

We just met yesterday at
The Dunes, she's a waitress.

But something
happened between us

when we looked at each other,

something that said
we belong together.

Like beer and pretzels.

I just can't get her
out of my mind.

I should have called in sick.

No no, just keep
the meter running.

I thought you worked here.

I'm quitting.

Hey Monique, what's
the big surprise?

Come on, this is costing
John a lot of money!

You are a worthless
piece of garbage!

You must be punished!

You're probably
right, but I think

I'll settle for a scolding.

Melinda?!

Jack!

Hey, nobody told me this
was gonna be a threesome.

Hey, listen, I don't know what
the hell you're doing here, but

could you come back
in, say, about an hour?

Jack, there is
no time for this,

my father has just sent
the Mojica Brothers after you!

Who are the Mojica Brothers?

These Garment Center maniacs

who'll slice you
up for sixty bucks!

Yeah, well my dad
thinks I'm worth 5,000.

Shit!

My dad's just a little...

Well he's angry that
I didn't marry Steven.

Well he's right,
you're a beautiful,

intelligent young woman, and you
belong with a guy like Steven or

some corporate wiz
kid or Wayne Gretzky.

Why does Wayne
Gretzky sound familiar?

Well he's a hockey
player, and well

Jack takes me to all the
New York Ranger home games.

Oh, I hate hockey.
It's so violent.

Jack...

I must say, I am a little hurt
at finding you like this,

I mean, if you needed
to be whipped,

there is no reason
to go to a stranger!

You mean you'd do
something this kinky to me?

Jack, if it gives you pleasure
I'd beat the shit out of you!

Can you figure her out?

I'm in the hole 50 Gs!

I got guys coming at
me left and right.

She comes in here
and finds me with you

and she still wants me!

I think she's
in love with you.

[scoffs] What do
you know about love?

Enough to know
that a woman can

always find a spark of
goodness and decency

even in a cesspool like you.

Boy, that really hurt, Monique.
That really hurt!

Well then, Jack,
you got what you paid for.

Let's go.

Oh, it's good to see
you back, old friend.

Today, I am a man!

Gerald, I'm sorry,
but you can't stay.

What?

No...

No, wait!

Nooooo...

The Mojicas are coming.

[whines]

We gotta go.
The cab's waiting, come on!

Gerald: Who are the Mojicas?

Jack: They're Garment Center
maniacs, so we gotta get lost!

All right, driver, hurry!

What about what
you promised me?

I'll do it to you
while we're driving.

The hell are
you talking about?

It's a long story, just go!

[tires screeching]

Juan: Lupe, come on,
before they get away again!

[screaming]

Jack: I told you
they were maniacs!

Everybody out of the car,
slowly.

Put your hands on your heads!

Lupe: You heard my brother.

This is great, Jack, our
luck is really improving!

Jack, no matter
what happens...

We'll see if you love him after
his face looks like a road map.

Look, I love what
is on the inside,

it doesn't matter to me
what you do on the outside!

Wait a minute, it does to me!

Well, soon the insides
are gonna be on the outside!

-Oh yeah?
-Lupe: Yeah!

-Yeah?!
-Yeah!

All right, I have
had it up to here!

I cannot stand
to see Jack sliced up!

Lupe: Take him.

Love is fleeting, no, Señor?

Hey, look, if it's money
you want, I got plenty!

So why didn't you pay in there?!

Caramba, it's hooker city!

You're on private property!
I suggest you leave or else!

Or else?

What are you gonna
do, love us to death?

[laughing]

Juan: Hey man,
I'll take the one in the red.

Lupe: Give me the one
in the white, man.

Ahh!

Yaaah!

What did she hit me with?!

♪ ["I Can't Get No Satisfaction"
by The Rolling Stones] ♪

Gerald : Why, in a whore house,

in the middle of the
desert, after losing

$25,000 of money that
doesn't belong to me,

do I finally get an erection?

I give up.

No, it's a rhetorical
question, Jack.

No, it's a stupid question.

I can see it now. You are
not gonna be satisfied until

you think yourself
out of your next hard-on!

Man, that whip really hurt.

How could anybody get off
on that S&M stuff?

Man, they got too big a lead,
we're never gonna catch them!

Oh, we'll catch them.

If we have to rent
this car forever

and no longer do we get
Jack Sanders for Mr. Murphy.

We get him for ourselves.

Muerte?

That's your discretion.

♪ ["King of the Road"
by Roger Miller] ♪

[pop]

Flat tire, oh no.

You steel belted
piece of crap!

Come on, let's hurry
and get the spare on!

There is no spare.

What now, Jack?!

Why am I
the troop leader here?!

Because you made me lose
the money, that's why!

You're never gonna let
me forget that, are you?

No, and when they send me to
prison for taking the money,

I'm gonna send you a letter a
day to remind you. Two letters!

Will you guys
stop arguing, please?

We can do it elsewhere.
The Mojicas, remember?

-Right, The Mojicas.
-Right, The Mojicas.

Nice going, Jack!

Hey, how come they
don't have cactuses in New York?

Because the people
would steal them.

Call it.
Heads or tails?

Tails.

Tails it is, you lucky dog. You
get to stab Jack Sanders first.

[chuckles]

[car revs]

♪ ["Woolly Bully" by Sam
The Sham & The Pharaohs] ♪

You hear that?
You hear that?

Melinda: It's the Mojicas!

[screaming]

Juan: Forget the fat guy.
Let's go get Melinda and Jack!

Yeah, this way.

Boy, those Mojicas,
they don't give up, do they?

Melinda: No, daddy has a way of

instilling tremendous loyalty
into his employees.

Holy shit,
it's the fucking cavalry!

Melinda: What luck!

God bless
the United States Army!

No comprendo Ingles.

-It's the wrong fucking cavalry!
-Viene aqui, pronto!

-Lupe: He's one of us.
-Juan: Si, Señor, immediamente!

[speaking Spanish]

We needed General Patton,
we wound up with Zorro!

John, I feel so guilty.

I mean, how can we just run off

and leave
Jack and Melinda that way?

Will you shut up? We're going
back after them, aren't we?

I know, but we shouldn't
have run in the first place.

Uh oh.

[speaking Spanish]

At least Gerald
and John are safe.

Oh, yeah!

Oh, this is terrific!

Party's over, Sanders.

Who are those guys?

Colombians being trained here
for drug raids in Colombia.

We told them you were
a big time drug dealer.

And they bought that?!

What can I say?

South Americans are more
gullible than Puerto Ricans.

They're going to execute you.

Oh, not you, Melinda.

No, your father might fire us
if you get executed.

[speaking Spanish]

John: Geronimo!

Gerald: Hang on,
John, here we go!

[gunshots]

♪ ["Born to be Wild"
by Steppenwolf] ♪

-Jack, the truck.
-No, I can't drive a truck!

Lupe: You're not gonna get away
this time, Sanders.

I got you now!

You don't have the
nerve to crush us!

She's got me convinced!

Hey, where'd a
rich man's daughter

learn to drive a
truck like this?

Two summers ago I drove
delivery trucks for my father.

I figure one day
I'm probably gonna

take over the business,
so I wanna

know everything I can about it.

You really fight
that silver spoon

you were born with, huh?

Well we all have
our dragons to fight.

You know, I just may hire you
if you play your cards right.

Yeah, if I'd have played
my cards right

I wouldn't be in this mess!

Seven miles.
We better get rid of this truck.

Well, we can dump it
just outside of Las Vegas.

Nah, head towards the airport.

I don't think we should
go back to Vegas.

What are you talking about?

The Mojicas are fanatics.

They'll comb every inch of
Las Vegas until they find me.

Now it's become a matter
of honor with them.

Hey, what about my honor?!

Monday morning I gotta deposit
$25,000 back in the alumni fund!

Gerald, I told you
I'll have the money.

How?

What, a crooked card game on
the plane ride home?

Who said anything
about going home?

Well, you told us
to go to the airport.

We are, to catch the first
flight to Atlantic City.

[unison] Atlantic City?!

Yeah, steel pier, Monopoly,

the gambling capital
of the East Coast.

We're crapping out
here in Nevada.

I figure Jersey will
turn it around for us.

Well, I think it's a great idea.

Melinda, this was supposed to be
a weekend for the boys and me.

I think you should
go back to New York.

I beg your pardon?

Look, I appreciate
you coming out here

and warning me
about the Mojicas,

but let's face it. If it wasn't
for my involvement with you,

they wouldn't be after me
in the first place.

Are you blaming me for all

the trouble that you
got yourself into?!

No, of course not.
I'm only blaming you for half.

[tires screech]

Get out.

-What?!
-I said get out!

This is the desert!

I don't care of this is
the Brazilian rain forest.

Get the hell out of my truck!

Oh now, come on,
Melinda, be sensible.

Why set a precedent?

Look, you guys...

I just need a moment to myself.

I just need to be alone
for a minute, okay?

I mean, just a moment.
Please, get out?

All right, I gotta get
my circulation going anyways.

A good time for a break anyway.

That woman has
some fire in her.

She got the truck too.

We have time
for one more call.

Hello, you're on WGBL
with Doctor Karen Coogler.

Hi, yes, hello, Doctor,
my name is Steven.

Karen: Sorry, you're going to
have to turn your radio down.

That's better, now
how may I help you?

Well, I have this
anger building up

inside of me, and I'm
afraid it's gonna come out.

What is the source
of your hostility?

My fiancée.

On our wedding day, she left me
waiting at the altar.

Well, it seems to
me your feelings

of hostility toward her
are not totally irrational.

No, no, no, no.
I love her, it's...

It's the guy that
she jilted me for that I hate.

Tell me about this other man.

Well, I don't know
how she can love him.

He's a liar, he's a cheat,
he's a con man!

Everybody in the
garment center knows it.

You work in the garment center?

Yes, both of our families,
Melinda's and mine,

are quite well known
in the garment center.

And everybody is
joking about it.

In front of me, behind my back,

I feel like the only way
to save face is to...

Is to what?

Kill.

Kill who, Stuart?

Steven!

Oh, Steven is the other man.

No, I'm Steven!

Karen: Well killing
yourself isn't the solution,

particularly if Melissa
chooses to love someone else.

Melinda!

Oh, Melissa loves Melinda.
She's jilted you for a woman!

No wonder you have
feelings of inadequacy.

Ahh!

Hey, any luck, Pops?

Not since my wife Agnes
left me in '62.

I've come to a decision
about Norma in there.

Even I'm not gonna
touch that one.

I wanna say goodbye
to her before I go.

There's a phone right
outside the bathroom.

I don't wanna say it by phone.

I wanna say it in person.

Listen, John, there's a plane

leaving for Atlantic City
in 30 minutes!

Look...

You guys go.

I'll catch the next plane,
I'll meet you there.

John, don't be ridiculous,
call her on the phone!

No.

Jack, I'm 37 years old.

Norma's the first real woman
who actually seems to like me.

I'm not about to risk that from
some damn phonebooth.

John, she'll be here
when you get back.

Women like Norma,
they have nowhere else to go!

You ever insult her again and
I'll drop you like a bad habit.

Sorry, Jack, but I'm gonna try
to behave like an adult on this.

I'll meet you in Atlantic City.

I can't let him
leave like this.

That is really big of you!

You're doing the right thing.

Look, we came together.
We should leave together.

We can always get another
plane to Atlantic City.

All for one and one for all!

We need his charge card.

[dinging]

Old man: Take that, Agnes!

♪ ["Daydream" by The
Lovin' Spoonful] ♪

Jack.

Jack, how do you play Keno?

I don't, you can't win at it.

What, all these people?
Somebody must win sometime.

It's the biggest sucker game
in Vegas.

All these people see
this $50,000 win payoff

and they think they can beat it.

Trust me, there are
more dinosaurs

in Vegas than Keno winners.

$50,000?

I could pay back the alumni fund
and the loan shark.

Be wasting your
two dollars, Gerald.

Gerald: Two dollars?!

You mean I only have
to risk two dollars

at a chance at 50,000?!

Come on, tell me how
to play the game!

All right, Mr. Dreamer,
you see that

80 numbered balls-contraption
up there?

Gerald: Yeah.

Each game they pick
20 numbers, right?

Let's say you mark
down 10 numbers.

And they call all 10 numbers.

You win 50 Gs.

Play on.

That's it?

Jack: That's it.

That's all I have to do?

All you have to do.
Wake me after you win.

[snoring]

Do you know how
many guys told me

they'd come back for me?

No.

How many?

None.

You're the first.

Norma, could I ask you
a question?

Yes, John?

Can I have another
piece of cake?

Yes, John.

Intercom: 60, 68, 48,

37, 56, 44.

I won!

-Look!
-Yeah, sure you did.

No, no, no. Ten out of ten!
I did it!

Holy shit!

Whoa, thank you,
Gerald Larkin.

-$50,000!
-Holy shit!

Shit!

[laughing] Where do
we collect the money?!

Wait a minute, holy shit. You
would have won $50,000

if you'd have made the bet!

Bet?

Yeah, asshole, the bet!

You never said bet,
you said mark the Keno slip!

And I never heard the word bet!

Jack: Well, what do you think

happens when you mark
the Keno numbers?

The invisible Keno
fairy comes down

and takes the slip?!

Uh uh, any schmuck knows
you gotta get the bet down!

I didn't win $50,000?!

The only thing you won is

the title
World's Biggest Putzarooni.

I can't believe
you did this to me!

I am not taking the wrap
for your stupidity!

My stupidity?!

My stupidity?!

I'm glad you agree
with me, Gerald.

You and I are through!
I can't take it anymore!

I have had it!

I'll get the alumni
money on my own.

I'll sell my wife's jewelry,
I'll sell my dental equipment,

I'll sell Jackie's bicycle!

Don't you dare leave
my Goddaughter bikeless!

You know, it's taken me
25 years,

but I finally figured out
what you are.

And what am I,
Mr. Mad Man?

You're a loser!

And everyone you come
in contact with is a loser!

Melinda's a loser,
John is a loser,

and I'm a loser.

I'm a loser!

Gerald: I'm a loser!

I'm a loser!

[dinging]

-Congratulations.
-Thanks.

How much did I win?

$75,000.

$75,000?!
Jesus!

[cheering]

Gerald: What is this?!

Jack: Hey Gerald,
remember that "loser"

you were talking about?
He just won $75,000!

This is the machine
that I was playing!

Yeah, hey, this is the
machine you were playing.

Gee Gerald, if you hadn't gone
to the bathroom, this would have

been your jackpot.
Instead of mine, that is!

-Jack! It's you?!
-Oh yeah.

-I don't believe it!
-$75,000, fellas.

-$75,000!
-No!

[cheering]

Operator, person to person
to Mr. Robert Murphy, collect.

Man, my feet are killing me.

Then I sure hope
Mr. Murphy's home.

[phone ringing]

Yeah?

Juan: Hey Mr. Murphy, it's Juan.

Did you locate Jack Sanders?

Yes, Mr. Murphy, but we
ran into a little trouble.

What trouble?

Juan: Well we followed
your daughter Melinda

like you told us to,

and she led us right to Sanders
like you said she would.

Except...

Well, Sanders has two friends,
and they all had guns.

And Lupe and me,
all we had were our knives.

Even Melinda was shooting at us!

He gave a gun to my daughter?!

Listen, I want you
to locate that

son of a bitch Sanders,
and I want you

to make sure that he never comes
near my Melinda again!

Listen, there's an extra $5,000
in it for you if you do that!

Hello, yes, this is
Steven Rosen.

I will give each of you a free

leather jacket if you
get the job done quickly.

Thank you.

-Oh, I like your style.
-Thank you.

I couldn't tell him the hookers
at Minnie's Ranch beat us up.

Besides, Mr. Murphy upped
the contract $5,000.

All right, my lying brother!

And that dummy Steven Rosen?

He's throwing in
leather jackets!

[laughing]

Man: Now
ladies and gentlemen,

if you have any questions
for Mr. Sanders.

Reporter: Jack, can you
give us a brief biography?

Well, I'm 37 years of age, and
I'm an independent businessman.

Married?

Frequently.

[laughing]

Woman: You ever
win anything before?

Well, not like this. So tonight
I'm gonna get down on my knees

and thank God for
creating Las Vegas

and The Dunes Hotel.

Jack, what are you going
to do with the money?

I'm gonna bring my
family to America.

Maybe I'll make them
work for me.

[laughing]

♪ ["Money, That's What I
Want" by Barret Strong] ♪

♪ ["Dancing In The Street" by
Martha Reeves & The Vandellas] ♪

Thank you, Las Vegas.

75,000 smackaroos.

Yes, yes, champagne!

Champagne!
Champagne!

Here's to lady luck.

She finally let me fuck her.

[laughing]

Hey, I better go
call the loan shark,

give him the good news.

The loan shark.

At what point in someone's life

do they decide to
become a loan shark?

Don't you remember the loan
shark booth on career day?

Gerald: Loan shark booth?

Was that outside
Mr. Stein's office?

No, it was in
the Unicorn Pavilion.

Unicorn Pavilion?

Gerald...

Haaa!

Suite 2201, Joe.

Yeah, the finest
suite in the house.

Uh huh, yeah.

Asshole.

What'd he say?

He said he's been taking a lot

of crap from the other
loan sharks about me.

That I'd become
a source of embarrassment.

It's a good thing you
had the money for him.

Oh, you don't know how good.

Joe said Drummond was already
in Las Vegas looking for me.

He's trying to get in
touch with him now.

Yeah...

Money money money money,

this little piggy is
for the loan shark.

This little piggy's
for the alumni fund.

Yes, yes, thank you!

And these little
swine are for us!

I'm gonna put my mother in the
strongest mausoleum they make.

Good idea, that way
she won't get out.

I hereby pledge
my 8,000 to making

the next 24 hours,
man, the nuttiest,

the wildest we've ever had!

Yeehoo!

All right, party!
Party party party party party!

Wait a minute, I hate to
be a party pooper here,

but what about The Mojicans?

Why, because they said
they're coming after me?

I've been thinking it over.

There is no way
they figure I had

the balls to come back to Vegas.

That's good.

Speaking of balls, Gerald,
I have

a little surprise for you.

Surprise?

Gina's on her way over
from Minnie's Ranch.

Gerald: Gina?

My sweet, wonderful Gina?

Oh my God, I gotta brush,
I gotta floss!

[laughing]

I figure you and I can
pick up some local girls.

[gargling]

I wanna go out
with Norma tonight.

Oh, well...

I mean if you could, wouldn't
you rather go out with Melinda?

Nah, I got this rule
about women.

If one throws me out of a truck,

forget about it.
I'm finished with her.

She's in love with you, Jack.

So were both of my wives.
Now they hate my guts.

It's a talent I have.

Maybe it'll be
different with Melinda.

I can't be tied down
to one woman.

I'm a free spirit, I don't wanna
be responsible

for somebody else's happiness.
Nah.

What about your own?

My own? I just hit
a 75,000 slot jackpot!

I'm a real happy guy.

How can you
let a girl like Melinda go?

A dream girl.

She is a dream girl.

But let's face it.
I'm a nightmare.

Look, John, my mother was
in labor with me for 34 hours.

I've been nothing but trouble
for women ever since.

[doorbell rings]

It can't be Drummond already.

[humming]

-Jack Sanders?
-Jack Sanders.

Internal Revenue Service.

♪ ["Taxman" by The Beatles] ♪

According to this,
it's all legit.

I'm up shit's creek.

$75,000.

[chuckles]

I'm sorry it had to be this way,
Mr. Sanders.

Now you keep the verification
for your records.

This wouldn't happen
if people paid their taxes.

I can't believe it.

[incoherent mumbling]

[doorbell rings]

Joe says you got the money.

Hey look, Dummond,
I had the 25 Gs, I swear!

The goddamn IRS, they came
and they took it from me!

Drummond: Now Jack, I've
been chasing you for a month.

I had to fly here
looking for you.

And I hate to fly.

Five hours of turbulence.
A fucking Sally Field movie.

Now either I get my money,

or I play a concert
on your carcass!

Wait, stop,
I'll get the money!

What do you mean get?!

It's here in Vegas!

I had some other debts
to deal with.

Be cool, Drummond.

I'll get the money back.

Give Jack a chance
to get the money.

And I'll stay here as hostage.

And if he doesn't come back,

you can extract
your vengeance on me.

[whispers]
Gerald, don't be crazy.

These are the only two friends
I have in the world.

I would never do anything
to jeopardize Gerald's life.

Give me three hours. I'll come
back with the money, I swear.

Okay, Jack,
you got three hours.

But if you're not back
here with the 25,000,

both your friends here
are gonna pay the piper.

Both?

40 bucks, it's all I got left.

I'm gonna run this up to 25,000.

Change 40.

Good luck, sir.

Can we do that again?

I don't think
they'd like that.

How does a person
go through life

inflicting pain and
punishment on people?

I'm the wrong one to ask.

I'm a dentist.

Drummond: Hey, you hear
about Nicky and J.C.?

Yeah, you know,
the Calvo Brothers.

They got blown away
at the dinner table.

One bullet, that's right,
through both their heads.

Benny Bayridge,
he could've did it.

It's a possibility.

Listen, I better go.

Hey, I said I gotta go!

I love you too, Ma.

That was your mother
on the phone?

Yeah.

I set her up at
a condominium in Florida.

I call her every day.

Do you mind if I ask you
something personal?

Go ahead, it'll probably
never leave this room.

Does your mother know
what you do?

She knows what I do.

But in her eyes
I can do no wrong.

Like when I just told her
what I might have to do to you.

She said
you probably deserve it.

There's nothing like
a mother's love, is there?

Why didn't I let
my mother live with me?!

How the fuck should I know?!

[sobs] Yeah...

♪ ["The Fool on the Hill"
by The Beatles] ♪

Melinda!

What are you doing here?

I thought you went home.

If I went home, I would have
to deal with my dad,

and that's something
I would rather wait to do.

What about you? I thought
you went to Atlantic City.

I should have.
Gerald and John are

up there
with a loan shark's muscle.

I got two and a half
hours to come up

with 25 Gs or he's gonna
put the hurt on them.

Will you buy me a drink, please?

Bartender, can I have
a black and silver, please?

I can't believe you left
those guys up there like that.

'Cause I'm a no-good
son of a bitch

who only cares about himself.

I'll drink to that.

Do me a favor, will ya?

Hit me in the head.

Don't tempt me.

Come on, my mom used to whack
me in the head all the time.

I'm sure she had
very good reason.

She did.

She hated me.

Jack...

Mothers don't hate their sons.

Mine did.

You see, after my old man
knocked her up, he split.

She blamed me for losing him.

So every now and again

she'd tee off on me
just for the hell of it.

Do you think you could forget
your childhood long enough to...

parlay this into $25,000?

Why are you so good to me?

I don't know. I guess I'm just

trying to make up
for your mother.

Excuse me.

I hope you won't take this
in the wrong way,

but your teeth are
very unattractive.

John: What, are you crazy?!

We're not in enough trouble,
you're gonna insult his teeth?!

John, I'm a dentist.

And I have a responsibility
to my profession.

You know, we've
done some wonderful

things with cosmetic bonding and

I think I could do
some good work

with the spaces
between your teeth.

You know, the last guy to make
fun of my teeth,

I pulled his out
with a pair of pliers.

You look great.
Warren Hutton has spaces too!

Yes, but not
between every tooth.

Would you shut up?!

Drummond: You know what
I'm gonna do

after I'm done
with you two guys?

I'm gonna take in a show.

[laughs] Yeah, let's see
what's happening in Las Vegas.

Hey, Engelbert's at The Grand.

Sinatra's at The Golden Nugget.

I hear it's very difficult
to get reservations.

Hey, I got connections.

Yup, a lot of things
happening here in Las Vegas.

A lot of things.

[choking]

John: He's choking.
Come on, Gerald,

let's get out of here!

I can't leave him like this!

Why not?
He was gonna kill us!

I can't, I'd feel guilty.

He wasn't gonna feel guilty!

Well, then you go!

I gotta get new friends.

[spitting, coughing]

Gerald, quick, the gun!

Gerald!

You couldn't let him choke!

♪ ["Rescue Me"
by Fontella Bass] ♪

The key, the key, the key.

-Do you have the key?
-No.

[cheering]

Come on, please,
come on, come on!

Do it again, honey!

All right, sweet 16!

[cheering]

Yo Jack, what's going down?

Hey Wilson, our girl just
hit sixteen in a row!

No shit?

Boy, I'm gonna jump on her!

Right there, buddy.

Gentlemen, it has been
a pleasure.

What are you doing?

I'm quitting while I'm ahead!

You just made 16 in a row!

I know, and that's enough.

Man:
Hey lady, come back!

How much we got there?

15,000.

15,000 at Craps,
that's sensational!

Yes, but we're
still 10,000 short!

Melinda, Roulette is
a bad percentage game.

The House has about
a six percent edge!

Jack, shut up.

Please call the Casino manager.

Yes, ma'am?

I just beat your
casino out of $15,000

over at the dice table.

I'll give you a chance
at winning it all back.

One shot, one roll.

15,000 on black.

Raise the limit. $ 15,000.

Jack: Melinda, don't be crazy!

♪ ["Spinning Wheel" by
Blood, Sweat & Tears] ♪

I can't watch.

Ahhh!

[cheering]

Baby, you're the greatest!

Oh, thank you, Ralph!

A check? Uh uh, I need cash.

We're a little short
on hundreds.

There's a cash delivery
in about a half hour.

Can we wait?

Boy, John and Gerald
must be sucking adrenaline,

but we still got an hour
'til the deadline.

No pun intended.

♪ ["I Heard It Through the
Grapevine" by Marvin Gaye] ♪

I can't believe
he actually thought

we were showgirls.

Jack: Your boobs are too small.

Yeah, well, yours aren't.

Look, we better get into

our street clothes and
get out of here.

Woman 1:
And then we went back

to his place and he practically
dragged me into the bedroom.

Woman 2: I can't believe
the guys you go out with.

So then what did you do?

Woman 1: I slapped him.

Woman 2: Good girl.

Woman 1: No, foolish girl.
He liked it.

I have a date tonight
to pulverize him.

Look at the stuff
they're selling at retail.

Everything in the showcase here,
I can get at half price.

♪ ["So Much in Love"
by The Tymes] ♪

Ah, to be young
and in love, huh?

I'm young,
and I'm in love with you.

Come on, cut it out, Melinda,

it's hard enough for me
to resist you normally,

but after that big score
in the casino,

I'm losing control here.
Forget about it.

Well then, Jack, lose it.

I want you tonight.

A girl that beats
the casino for $30,000

doesn't just sleep with anybody.

Oh come on, Melinda,
you're driving me crazy!

I thought this
drove you crazy.

Well, after we free
John and Gerald,

you and I,
we're going to bed.

That's gonna cost you
a million dollars.

I'll pay.

Ah geez, I dunno, I wish...

I wish I had a couple mill.

Yeah? What would you do
with it if you did?

A lot of things, I guess.

Would you be happy?

I don't know.

On second thought,
having the money

isn't what juices me up.

It's the process of
getting the money, the action.

That's what gets
my heart pounding.

What good is a pot of gold
if you can't

experience the rainbow
along the way, you know?

Yes, but in your case you can

never stop and look at
a rainbow long enough.

There's always
somebody chasing you.

I'm chasing you tonight.

Well, it's about time.

Touch me and
I'll kick your balls to Reno!

Hi.

Bye.

Gerald: Here.
Here.

Thanks, it was useful.

Showgirl: Move it!

It's showtime.

30,000 smackers!

I'll take this up,
send King Kong

on his way. You get us a
romantic room for the night.

One with a mirror above the bed.

Sounds good.

But first let's do
Las Vegas right, all right?

I wanna paint this town red!

Yeah, red.

Red.

Hey watch it, Red.

Red.

Red.

[ringing]

Jack: Red.

Red.

Red.

Red.

30,000 on the red.

Take the bet.

Good luck, sir.

Can you make sure that there is
a mirror over the bed please?

♪ ["Going Out of My Head"
by Dionne Warwick] ♪

Oh no, you didn't...

Take off your clothes
and get in the tub.

Listen, I got this thing about

undressing in front of
strange men.

-Try to overcome it.
-Okay.

Fine.

Melinda, I swear I was on my way
up with the money when I saw

this red headed guy,
and this woman,

and a bellman with red luggage,

and the red light was beckoning
me to the Roulette table.

I just figured,
"So what the hell, I can take

this 30 Gs, I could double it,

I could pay the goon off,
I could give Gerald back

the alumni fund."

I just won 30,000.
I was on a roll.

No, Jack. I was on a roll!

Me, Melinda. Not you!

You could have gone upstairs
and gotten

Gerald and John out of danger,

but no, no, you gotta go
piss away the money!

What the hell
are you gonna do now?!

I said what the hell
are you going to do?!

You got any money left
for Baccarat?

Oh, God, you...

You have a gender problem,
mister?

I didn't even use this, ma'am.
See? My pants aren't even down.

Melinda, I'm really sorry.

Listen, scuzzbucket, if you're
not out of here in two seconds,

I'm calling security!

I'm gonna go up and exchange

my worthless self
for John and Gerald.

Jack, look, I'm just gonna go
with you.

It's too dangerous.

-The Mojicas!
-The Mojicas!

Oh no, not the Mojicas again!

Security, I got a pervert
in the bathroom.

Hello, security,
this is the pervert,

a.k.a. big slot winner.
Melinda, I got a plan.

You, you fat bastard, you were
gonna let me choke to death.

Your buddy Sanders
has got five minutes.

And then I stick this gun up
your ass like a suppository.

That's it, we've had it.

Wrong, fat boy.

The dentist here saved my life.

I might go easy on him.

Excuse me.

Could I trade my
life for John's?

Hey hey, this ain't the
Winter baseball meetings!

I don't make trades.

In five minutes...

Make that four minutes.

Moby Dick dies.

Man, we are gonna search
every casino in the world

until we find this Jack Sanders!

Hey pilgrim, I guess
our search has ended.

Juan, Lupe, if you guys know
what is good for you,

you will go home.

I go home with Jack Sanders'
cajonesin my luggage.

Ah, well, Jack Sanders has a man
who's protecting him.

A man?
One man? Uno?

[laughing]

It's gonna take a thousand guys
to stop us this time!

Oh yeah?

And I'm warning you,
it's gonna be your cajones

in a suitcase if you go up
to room 2201!

2201.

[laughing]

Juan: The boss's daughter
has made a slip, my brother.

After we slice up
your boyfriend,

we're gonna have
some spending cash.

Maybe we can go out.

I don't go out with the help.

2201 please.

[phone ringing]

Yeah.

This is Jack Sanders.
As we speak,

two men are
on their way up to visit you.

I suggest you let my friends go,
unharmed, before they get there.

Get back in the tub!

Come on, drop it!

Drop it.
Come on, this way, move!

I said move, move, come on!

Move, I said!

Hey man, what the hell?
Move, move!

-The Mojicas!
-The Mojicas!

Come on,
get in the tub with your pals.

Come on, get in, sit down!

I said sit down!

I guess your little rescue
attempt hit a snag, huh?

Lupe: What's he talking about?

Drummond:
Shut up, man. Just shut up!

Both of you, shut up!

Get the gun!
Grab the gun!

Gerald: Come on!

Everybody freeze!

Mr. Grier, these are the three
son of a bitches who tried

to steal my 75,000 slot jackpot!

I don't even know
these two banditos!

Who you calling banditos,
greaseball?!

-Greaseball?!
-Arrest them!

Arrest them.

And with his back to the wall...

the ladies room-wall, that is,
Jack comes up

with the brilliant idea of
sending the Mojicas

up against Drummond.

All's well that ends well,
that's what I always say.

[John groans]

You leave us up here with
a homicidal maniac,

and then you lost the $30,000
that could have set us free!

You say
all's well that ends well?!

I can't believe
you did it again.

I can't believe you've actually
lost the alumni fund again.

What is this, three times?
I'm losing count.

Gerald, calm down.

We still have a day left
to win back the alumni money

and I feel a hot streak coming.

[groaning]

Gerald: I can't take it anymore!

Jack, don't you think

that he has been
through the mill this weekend?

I really don't think you should
subject him to any more of this.

Stop babying the guy.

That's what his mother
used to do to him!

His mother?

His mother?!

How dare you even
mention his mother?!

Do you know
the real reason why

Gerald didn't ask you
to her funeral?

She told him on her deathbed
that she didn't want you there!

That's all right, I had tickets

to the Yankee game
that day anyway.

Gerald? Hey, come on.
Come on out of there, I'm sorry!

Gerald, don't...

Hey guys...

♪ ["Rescue Me" by
Fontella Bass] ♪

Oh my God.

♪ ["I Want to Take You Higher"
by Sly and the Family Stone] ♪

Jack: I do not think
he is capable

of a violent suicide.
If you ask me, I think

he's doing this
to get attention.

John: Yeah, well, it's working!

Jack, if he jumps,
it'll be your fault.

Melinda: Hurry, please.

Don't come any closer,
I'll go over!

Look, Gerald, please.
Think about your wife.

Your daughter.

Your dog Yogi!

The hotel is
calling a rescue team,

and they are going to put
a net underneath him.

They oughta put
a net on his head!

Gerald, your dog doesn't hate
you because you had him fixed.

If anything, he's happier!

Why does he always
pee in my shoe?

He's old, his bladder's shot.

-Gerald!
-Don't come any closer!

Stop this nonsense now
and get in here!

What's gonna happen
when my mother

finds out
I lost the alumni fund?!

He thinks his ma is still alive.

Play along with him, maybe
we can get him back inside.

Gerald, if you come off
the ledge,

we'll go visit your mom.

Why, did she say anything about
not visiting her?!

No, no, I just thought
you'd like to go.

Jack, what if he leaps?

Look, when we were kids,

Gerald was afraid to jump off of
a four foot diving board.

He ain't gonna jump off
a building!

John: He's gonna splatter
himself all over the ground.

Oh, whoa! Ahh!
Don't come any closer!

Oh, you see those people?!
They're the alumni!

They know I lost
the alumni fund.

They want me to jump!

-Uh uh, no.
-Yeah!

-No!
-Gerald: Yeah!

-No!
-Yes they do!

Gerald, those people are just...

They're just curious observers,

they're not
your high school alumni!

Man: Jump!

Jump!

Shut up, ya sickos!

[gasps]

Man: Jump!

Two to one he jumps.

Give me three to one as a bet.

Bet!

I'm Phil Sawyer, Hotel Director.

Jack Sanders.

I've called a rescue squad
and a priest.

Priest won't do any good,
Gerald's an atheist.

Yeah, he quit believing in God
when the Mets traded Tom Siever.

I can't convince him.

Look, we got
a potential disaster here.

The publicity would kill us!

Publicity?

A man's life is at stake here,

and you're talking
about publicity?!

Wait a minute, Melinda.
Mr. Sawyer may have a point.

Jack, you can't agree
with this man

when your friend is out--

Trust, trust me.

Mr. Sawyer, as one of your great
Las Vegas superstars says:

Can we talk?

[doorbell rings]

It's Gina, the hooker
from Minnie's Ranch.

Jack bought her for Gerald!

Where is
that cute little Gerald?

He is out there on the ledge.
I love your dress.

Is this some kinky scene,
or is this the real thing?

Oh, it's real.
We can't get him in.

Gina: Let me try
and talk to him.

If he jumps after seeing her in
that dress, he deserves to die.

Look, it's simple,
the guy's on the ledge

because he gambled and lost.

-Give him back the money.
-How much did he lose?

95,000.

Let him jump!

Then I wanna work my tongue
down to your navel.

While taking tiny little bites
of your sweet belly.

Oh Gina...

Your breasts are like
beautiful twin orbs.

Shimmering in the desert sun.

They could be
shimmering in your hands.

Oh, oh!

I can't believe it,
I'm getting an erection!

Will it survive a 22-story fall?

Gerald: No!

Jump, goddamn it!

You gotta do it for 30,000.
If you don't,

the publicity
will cost you millions.

I know I wouldn't come back
to this hotel.

Look, The Dunes prides itself
on its reputation,

but I'll have to get
approval first.

Hurry!

Sawyer: No, it's legit.

The guy's on the ledge
right in front of me.

He's coming in.

What are you doing?!

Two more minutes,
we get the alumni money back.

My God, did he?!

Oh no no no, he's just taking a
quiet moment of thankful prayer

because I told him you were
gonna give him the money back.

You are, aren't you?

Yeah, a check for
30,000 is on its way up.

[gasping]

Good news, Gerald!

Let's all get some
Long Island ice teas, huh?

Ooooh boy, Jack is
absolutely incredible!

Got the alumni fund back
and $5,000 to celebrate with.

4,500, he had to
use $500 to bribe

the rescue team so you
didn't have

to undergo observation.

Gentlemen, hey!

Gina and Melinda look great,
and Norma's here too.

Huh, Norma. Boy, I bet
she thinks I'm a real sleeze.

Married guy dating a hooker.

Hey, relax, I told her
your old lady split

because you couldn't get it up.

Hey, come on,
look at this, guys.

Check us out.
Do we look good or what?

[unison] Bah bah!

We haven't looked this good

since we all got dressed up
for Prom Night, huh?

Jack: What are you mentioning
the Prom Night for?

Gerald... Not again.

I was so much in love
with Claudia Deluca.

When I asked her
to go to the Prom with me

and she said yes...

My heart about beat through
my high school sweater.

I remember
slow dancing with her.

Then you came over and
tapped me on the shoulder

and asked her to dance.

Next thing I remember,
the two of you were leaving.

I never even got to kiss her.

Hey Gerald,
if it makes you feel any better,

she was a lousy lay.

-Oh no, no...
-Lock the window.

Gerald, it's okay.

It's okay, pal, it's all right.

Then I ran into
some money problems.

Started dancing topless,
and eventually

I ended up at Minnie's Ranch.

So you're doing this all
for money, then.

Yeah.

That, and I also like sex.

But you'd leave the life
if you met the right guy, right?

Gina: Sure.

Too bad that Gerald's taken.

I could do being
a dentist's wife.

Gas makes me horny.

[nervous laugh]

John?!

Pop, they didn't have
Swiss cheese,

so I got you American.

Sandwiches?

If we had merged with Murphy,
today we'd be eating caviar.

It's not my fault!

I've run over it in my mind
a thousand times.

What is it about
this Jack Sanders

that Melinda would choose him
over my son?

That's it, that's it.
I can't take it anymore!

Where are you going?

Las Vegas, to get even.

♪ ["That's Life"
by Frank Sinatra] ♪

At what age did we stop
peeing in the gutter?

You stopped?

No, I mean the contest!

Remember we used to line up
on the curb,

see who could pee the farthest?

I loved that!

Gerald: Yeah, nobody could
pee farther than Jay Figgs.

Whatever happened to him?

I heard he tried to marry

his first cousin,
or something like that.

Hey listen, you guys,
we are gonna have

the time of our lives,
if I have to schmear

every maître d'in the town.

John: [singing] Schmear away,
schmear away,

schmear away, Dixie Land!

I'm sorry, sir,
this show is closed.

B-O-O-K-E-D.

Booked.

I'm sorry, sir, we're full.

And I don't take money.

What are you,
the Serpico of Maître d's?

John: At this rate, we're never
gonna get to see a show.

Jack: Hey, I know a place where
money talks and nobody walks.

Good evening, sir.

How many in your party, sir?

Six.

Right this way.

Jack: What did I tell you?

Melinda, how'd you like
to donate a finski to the cause?

No thanks, Jack,
I already gave at the office.

Her breasts are truly uplifting.

They're silicon.
I dance topless, I know.

Nice to be with an expert.

If you don't like it here,
Norma,

we could leave
in a couple hours.

Just kidding!

I know.

We don't have any change.

♪ ["Stay Just A Little Bit
Longer" by Jackson Browne] ♪

Hey, look at that!

Hey, pull over!

Hey, don't drink that water.

Oh, he doesn't have a tail.

What are we gonna do with him?

Uh, hug.

Gee Jack, you don't strike me
as an animal lover.

Oh I'm not, but it's
an old gambling superstition.

Dead dog, dead cards.

Sooner or later
this dog would get hit

by a car and I'd be out of luck
at the tables.

You guys go on.
I'm gonna stay here with Norma.

She's got Friday the Thirteenth
Part Threeon cassette.

Jack: Sure thing, but remember:
if you get her pregnant,

you gotta marry her!

[laughs]

Do you think they can mix
romance with horror movies?

Hey, who knows
what turns people on, huh?

That's for sure.

I once had a guy who asked me
to spraypaint him.

Brought his own can
and everything.

Well, did you?

The customer's always right.

Here comes a puppy storm!

[laughing]

Jack: Hey Gerald, I bet this
makes up for Prom, doesn't it?

Gerald: Oh yes!

Gerald, don't wear her out.

Why don't we name her Vegas?

Vegas, huh?

Vegas, you are gonna witness
a night of passion...

dogs only dream about.

Norma, that was the best ever!

I knew you'd like
my tuna casserole.

So, refresh my memory?

What happens at the beginning

of Friday the Thirteenth
Part Two?

Oh, do you remember
that cute little girl?

Yeah.

Jason sticks an ice pick
in her temple.

Oh yeah, and right after that

he bashes the cop's head in
with a hammer.

Right!

[laughing]

What happens at the beginning

of Friday the Thirteenth
Part Three?

Why don't we watch it
in my bedroom?

You have a VCR in the bedroom?

No.

♪ ["When A Man Loves A
Woman" by Percy Sledge] ♪

I love you.

Can't you say it?

What?

I love you.

It's kind of hard to say it
when you ask me.

I feel phony.

I'm not gonna force you.

Jack: I love you.

What? I didn't say it,
the dog said it.

I don't know how
you can do that

and hold your breath
at the same time.

-I'm part mermaid.
-Yeah.

But mostly woman.

Four times in one night.

Woohoo, a miracle!

Wanna try for five?

You'll kill me.

But what the hell,
I'm suicidal anyway.

[phone ringing]

Jack: Yeah, hello.

Hello, Jack.
This is Joe Nelson.

Hey, listen, Joe --

Joe: No, you listen, scumbag.

Word back home is I can't take
care of business no more.

This is due to your shenanigans.

Hey, if this is
because of Drummond, I --

Fuck Drummond.
Let him rot in jail, the fuckup.

I want my 25 grand right now.

Jack: Well it's yours.

When I get back to New York,
it's yours.

Oh, you got it?

Yeah, I got it.

Joe: That's good.

Because I'm right here, Jack.
Two blocks away.

Here?

You bring it down to
The Strip Side Motel

just past The Aladdin.

Listen fuckup,
if you're bullshitting me,

I got a guy here
who's gonna tear

you eyeballs out
and make you eat them.

You got 15 minutes.

They'll be better
off without me.

♪ ["When A Man Loves A
Woman" instrumental] ♪

Steven!

I'm beginning to believe
in gun control.

Norma, you may not
believe this...

but I haven't been
with a lot of women.

No!

Well, you're a wonderful lover.

Really?

You're not just saying that?

No, I'm not just saying it.

I think I love you.

Really?

You're not just saying that?

I'm not just saying that.

You know, I could get used
to being with you all the time.

Yeah?
You're not just saying that?

No, I'm not just saying that.

[laughing]

I'm sorry, Melinda,
there is just no other way.

My necklace!

Oh yeah, he had it
when he was leaving.

Oh, Jack!

Joe Nelson is down the street
with his barracuda.

Melinda, I'm gonna pay you back
for the necklace, I swear!

You two had sex together,
didn't you?

-No!
-Yes!

But I didn't enjoy it.

Oh you were lying
about that, too?!

Ever since the day
of our intended wedding,

my life has been hell!

I got a knot in my stomach
that won't go away!

How could you stand me up
for this?!

I don't know!

Look, Steven. If you kill me,
you go to prison.

Then you and Melinda
won't have a life together.

Oh Jack, that is despicable!

Melinda, will you marry me?

[inaudible]

Yes!

Here, in Las Vegas, right away?

Yes!

Congratulations. See?
Now, you won't have to shoot me.

You and Melinda will have
a happy ending.

Melinda,
don't break my heart again.

You're not doing this
to protect him, are you?

I am doing this to protect me!

Steven, I don't love him
anymore!

Not anymore.

Why don't I let you two alone
to discuss the big day?

Melinda, I really appreciate you
doing this for me.

And I'm going to pay you back
before your first anniversary.

I swear on my nephew!

Oh yeah?

Well, Jack,
I've got news for you,

because that's not real!

Melinda: It is cubic zirconia,
and it cost about $300!

What?!

You know what, Jack?

You're like a bad habit,
and I'll be damned

if I ain't gonna kick it.
Now get out of here!

Yeah.

Go!

Have to be back at Minnie's
by nine.

Oh, okay.

I'm having
terrible guilt feelings.

Why?

I've never been unfaithful
to Lois.

Never?

Well, once I came close.

I hired this hygienist
named Sally.

I would be drilling,
she would be irrigating.

Her smell was so exquisite.

I had to fire her, otherwise
I would have succumbed.

I have to go.

Do you want some more money?

[phone ringing]

Hello?

Hi, how you doing?

No, no, she just left.

Okay, I'll be right down.

You okay?
Bye!

Oh boy...

♪ ["Like A Rolling
Stone" by Bob Dylan] ♪

Excuse me, don't you think that
this diamond necklace

will look beautiful
around your neck?

How would you like to have
my hands around your neck?

Everybody's
so goddamn hostile here.

Gerald: Hey, what's going on?

Joe Nelson is
right down the street.

I wanted to come by in person
to say goodbye to you.

I'm sorry if I caused you
any problems.

No, look,
what are you gonna do?

Go back to New York,
hide out, buy some time.

That's no life for Melinda.

Melinda's gonna marry
her fiancé.

You'll be hearing from me,
or read about me.

Gerald: Look, I know you're
in serious trouble,

but how can you
just give up Melinda?

Jack: You're mixing
me up with someone else.

You see, it's the good guy that
always winds up with the girl.

I'll see you.

Airport please.

Jack: Where are you
taking me, Joe?

Joe: Shut up.

♪ ["You Talk Too
Much" by Joe Jones] ♪

Get in there, you lowlife!

What's your problem?!

Sal would answer you
if he could.

You see, he had
a freak accident.

Four guys were holding him down

while another poured lye
down his throat.

So you'll have to excuse him
if he seems a little edgy.

Want a beer, Jack?

If it's all right with Sal.

It'll cost you 25,000.
Let's have the money.

-Hey look, Joe, I--
-He's all yours.

[groans]

This is a fake.

I know it's fake.

But it's who it belongs to,
that's what's important.

Okay, who does it belong to?

Melinda Murphy,
Robert Murphy's daughter.

The girl I'm supposed
to marry this afternoon!

You're gonna marry
Robert Murphy's daughter?

Yeah, that's why
I'm here in Vegas!

Murphy's big in
the garment center.

He makes a substantial
derby bet with me every year.

Girl's crazy about me!

Why?

Forget about why.
Come this afternoon

I'm gonna be rolling in dough!

Joe: Wedding day, huh?

When do I get my 25 Gs?

As soon as I come back
from my honeymoon.

We're gonna go skiing in Aspen!

Hey, come on, Joe.
The money I owe you

is peanuts compared
to the action

I can throw your way as
Robert Murphy's son-in-law.

All right, Jack.

Sal and I are gonna be
your wedding party.

We're gonna be with
you every second

from now until you say
"I do".

'Cause if you don't, Sal will.

So Jack just picked up
and left?!

He had to.
The loan shark is in town.

Here you go.

There, enjoy.

Honey, it's real busy now,
I'm sorry.

[chuckling]

I'm gonna stay another week
in Vegas.

At Norma's.

Hey, congratulations,
I'm really happy for you, John.

Thanks.
You know, it's ironic.

I meet Norma because
Jack was in trouble.

He loses Melinda
because he's in trouble.

Well, the master of disaster.

Snap, crackle, pop.
Gosh, I love that sound.

Steven: Oh Pop,
that is just terrific!

Okay, uh huh, bye bye!

My Pop says your father
charted a plane

for a few friends and relatives!

That's nice.

Now he's bringing
your wedding dress,

my tuxedo,
and the rings we picked out.

You know, it's almost as if

we're doing it
for the very first time.

Which reminds me...
Tonight, we'll make love

for the first time.

Now, I've been doing
some reading.

Do you think you'll need
a lot of foreplay?

The manuals says
15 minutes should --

Steven, it's not like
tuning a Buick.

Sorry, I'm sorry, I just...

I just want everything
to go perfect.

Oh, missionary position
okay with you?

Steven...

-Yeah?
-Come here.

-I'll be gentle with you.
-Promise?

Would a missionary lie?

Breakfast time.

Mmmm, my favorite.
Enchiladas and tacos.

I've never seen anyone
drink a taco before.

Solid food hurts Sal's throat.
He's gotta blend everything.

Mexican food is great.

We don't have Mexicans
in New York.

Only Puerto Ricans.

They don't have their own food.

Hey, you know what?

Joe, suppose something happened
and the wedding didn't work out.

Nothing's gonna happen, is it?

Oh, I don't know. You know...

the bride could chicken out.
It happens.

What would you do to me?

Why don't we push you off
that bridge when we come to it?

John: Did you wire the alumni
fund money back to New York?

Gerald: Yeah,
just took care of it.

John: Woohoo!

♪ ["Girl From Ipanema"
by Astrud Gilberto] ♪

Something strange is going on!

Before I got involved
with Norma,

women never gave me
looks like that.

Now every time I blink,
some gal is giving me the eye!

You know, I got a theory
about this.

I think they've evolved

some kind of
communication system, like...

Like dolphins.

As soon as they know
a man is taken,

they start to flirt with him

It's designed to make us
completely crazy.

Did you see the look
she just gave me?!

Yeah, that was a
definite come hither-look.

Yup, you're definitely
a marked man.

The word is out.

I don't believe you!

I wonder what Jack would do
in my place?

All right, we'll drive you over
to the hotel

and you can put on your tuxedo.

Tuxedo?

Don't tell me you're not wearing
a tuxedo to your own wedding.

Oh of course, but I bought
a brand new one.

I gotta pick it up.

Where?

-Where?
-Where do you've to pick it up?

Tuxedo shop.

-Where?
-Where?

Where's
the fucking tuxedo shop?!

Here in Vegas at The Mall.

What about the rings?

-The rings?
-Jesus Christ!

They're at The Mall,
the rings are at The Mall too!

How long has Jack been doing
business at the garment center?

Well, in '74 he had
the tube sock factory.

I remember. How much did he
lose in that one, a 100,000?

Gerald: About, yeah.

He got some money back when
the insurance company settled

after that "mysterious fire."

Look at that!

♪ ["Girl From Ipanema"
by Astrud Gilberto] ♪

Yes, gentlemen,
can I help you?

Hi, remember me?
I was in yesterday.

I was off yesterday.

Laverne must've waited on you.
She's not in today.

I'm here to pick up
my wedding rings.

The name is Sanders.

Let me see.

14 Carat white gold.

Could it be
under another name?

What do you got?

Laverne might have put it
in the wrong file.

She always does that.

Look, it's getting close to pose
time for my wedding gear, and...

Could I pick out another pair?

We couldn't size them for you!

Ah, it's all right,
I'm gonna take mine off

right after the wedding anyway.

If it wasn't
stealing my necklace,

it would have been
something else.

Jack takes and takes and takes

and never gives anything back!

I don't understand how you guys

can still remains friends
after all these years.

Because we love him.

Just like you.

I used to love him.

When I thought I found a certain
vulnerability or goodness within

all the scams and
deals and flimflams.

I was wrong.

You know, in one way or another,

Jack was every kid's hero
in school.

With Jack, life is
unpredictable, exciting,

the adrenaline flows
like beer at a frat house!

Some people drive racing cars,
or sky dive.

We hang around Jack.

These guys hitting on you,
honey?

Oh, Steven, hi.
No no no.

These are two very
good friends of mine

I'd like you to meet.
This is John.

Hi.

And this is Gerald.

Well, I hope you invited them
to the wedding.

Oh, will you?

I mean, I would love
to have Norma there.

I'm sure she'd wanna go.

Hello, Jacqueline?

Hi, it's daddy.

How are you, sweetness?

Uh huh.

I miss you too.

I did, I have it right here.

Uh huh.

You're not giving Aunt Gilda
any trouble, are you?

That's a good girl.

Listen, Jacqueline,
do you remember asking daddy

why he slept on the couch
instead of in bed with mommy?

And I said it was
because she snores?

Well, daddy kind of told
a little fib.

It's not because mommy snored.
I was the one who snored.

But I'm better now,
and mommy and I

will be sleeping together again.

I love you too, honey.

I'll be home real soon.

I won't forget it.

Bye bye.

Steve: Pop!

Here, here, the tuxedo,
her wedding gown.

Here, the wedding rings!

Aw, Pop!

Well, the big day is here!

Again!

♪ ["Chapel of Love"
by The Dixie Cups] ♪

John, that must be
Melinda's father.

I can see her in his face.

John: Sweet man.

He's the one who hired

the Mojican Brothers
to do Jack in.

Norma:
I wonder where her mother is.

Probably passed away.

It's what mothers do.

Let's go in.

You go ahead,
I'll see you inside.

So what kind of skis you use?

Skis?

You said you were going
to Aspen on your honeymoon.

Oh, right, skis.

You know, the usual,
the long flat kind

that has the front part
that's curved up.

How much further?

Oh, a little bit.

It's past the Riviera Hotel,
I know that.

I miss you, Barb.

My patience is wearing
very thin, my friend.

Where the hell is this church?

My subconscious is probably

blocking out
the location of the church

because I'm so nervous
about getting married.

Looks like a nice little
side street funeral.

We will not disturb anybody.

I'm sorry Jack,
but Sal is about to make

visiting hours
a permanent part of your life.

Jack: Gerald, that's
the church, there it is!

Right over there.
It's okay, Sal.

Sorry Sal,
but he happens to be right.

[church organ music]

-Hey.
-Gerald.

-You all right?
-Yeah.

Ah, it's a wonderful day,
Melinda.

The union of two of the finest
families in the garment center.

Catholic and Jew coming together
in holy matrimony.

The children of
Seventh Avenue unite.

Daddy, daddy...

-Yes, sweetheart?
-Shut up.

Wait a minute, guys.

My stomach's a little queasy.

Must be pre-marital jitters.

Can I go to the bathroom?

All right, let's go.

I'll be right out.

We'll be right here.

Oh, thank God!

Hope he doesn't lose his lunch
on that tux.

How's the stomach?

Stomach's fine.

It's my heart
that's doing me in.

I love weddings.

Don't you love weddings, John?

There's Jack.

What the hell
are you doing here?!

He's the fucking groom.
Who are you?

I'm the fucking groom's father!

This guy's your old man?

He's my old man!

This guy's your brother?

What the hell is this
all about?!

♪ ["The Bridal Chorus"
by Richard Wagner] ♪

Jack!

Not again.

Get her!

Jack, look, I don't know
what the hell is going on here,

but I'm not going
a step further!

Melinda, there's no time
for an explanation!

Hey, I love you.

Please run away with me, please?

♪ ["People Got to be
Free" by The Rascals] ♪

Excuse me.

Engelbert Humperdinck!

You look beautiful
in that dress,

will you marry me?

On one condition.

Only if you don't try
to sell it after the wedding.

I've never been chased
by an angry mob before.

Welcome to the world of Jack!

Does this happen all the time?

-Oh yeah!
-Oh yeah!

Okay.

-Please?
-Okay, go ahead.

Really?

Wow. You look terrific.
Thank you very much.

Okay.

Oh, this is wonderful,
thank you!

This way!

Do you, Franklin Mayfield,
take Odessa Jones

to be your lawful wedded wife?

What the...

Excuse the interruption, but
we gotta get married right away.

This is an emergency!

Yeah, well you're gonna be
an emergency

if you don't get your ass
out this chapel!

Hold it, Franklin.

This cat's a friend of mine.

Hey Wilson, listen,
if you square me up on this...

tuxedos for life.

I don't wanna seem rude,
but who the hell are you?

He's a loan shark.

Kentucky Derby's
coming up soon, Mr. Murphy.

I now pronounce you
husband and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

[clapping]

What the hell is this?!

I think it's a mixed marriage.

Shoot them!

John!

Put away the gun, Sal,
before we get killed.

-Hey, congratulations.
-Congratulations.

Thank you, thank you.

Congratulations.

Hey, wait a minute.
Wilson, where you going,

you can't leave me now!

Too much trouble, Jack.

You're on your own.

Congratulations.

No!

Daddy, I am pregnant
with Jack's baby!

Young lady,
would you move out of the way

so we can shoot this man?

Wait, wait. How much does the
father of my grandchild owe you?

25 Gs.

I'll take care of it.

I prefer to shoot him,
but, Sal, put away the gun.

Thank you, dad!

You son of a bitch!

Steven, if you kill me,
I'll be dead!

That's what I had in mind.

But wait, but then they'll know
you were jilted twice!

How you gonna vent
your frustration?

I'll tell you how.
By letting me live!

That way you can kill me
many times over

on the field of business!

That is, unless you
and your old man

don't think that
you can match up

to me and my new dad!

We accept your challenge!

Your daughter's not
good enough for my son!

Come on, Steve, come on.

Melinda: Steven...

I'm sorry.

No no no, you'll be sorry when
my father and I wipe your family

off the face of
the garment center.

You know, I'm so glad
we didn't make love.

Now I can remain pure
for my future wife!

I'm proud of you.

Proud, you hear?

Steven: Thanks, thanks, Pop.

Come on, let's get back
to the church.

I got a lot of explaining to do.

Make way
for my pregnant daughter!

[sobs]

Aw, Gerald.

Gerald: I always cry
at weddings.

John: Yeah.

I'll see you tomorrow.

Okay, bye bye.

I feel so guilty.
I just told Lois

that I'm in a clinic in Nevada
and they cured my impotency.

Now what if I'm unable to
perform once I get home?

Gerald...

Oh Melinda, you make
such a beautiful bride.

If you do have
trouble performing

with your wife,
make believe Lois is Gina.

That's what guys
have been doing for centuries.

Really?

Throw the bouquet!

Oh yeah, yeah.

-You got it?
-I got it.

I got it, I got it!

I got it!

-[clapping]
-Thank you.

Norma, that makes you
the next beautiful bride.

-Yeah?
-Yeah.

Oh John, I accept.

My father now thinks
I'm pregnant.

Let's not make a liar out of me.

A kid? Why not?
We already got a dog for it.

Did you hear that, Gerald?

Pretty soon we're gonna hear

the patter of
a little master of disaster!

Gerald: The dog or the kid?

-Hey, there's Jack Sanders!
-Yeah, they said he was dead!

No, he's gonna wish
he was dead

when I get through with him!

Sanders!

[unison] The Rizzo Brothers.
Shit!

♪ ["People Got to be
Free" by The Rascals] ♪