Gitler kaput! (2008) - full transcript
A Russian WW2 spy spoof following misadventures of a clueless Soviet secret agent trapped inside Hitler's inner circle.
Hitler Est Kaput
Traduction de Fran?ais ? Anglais par Le Rosbif
FPS: 23.98 - Enjoy the film.
HITLER IS KAPUT
As the Second
World War ended,
an informant
used by the SS
told the Reich Main Security Office
that the execution of Rabinovich,
a Jew considered too lucky
by the Nazis,
was
the only hope of the Reich.
Listen, occupant comrades!
This must be a mistake.
I've only played the harpsichord
with the fascist-supporting orchestra.
I never hurt
a single Nazi. Even in thought.
I'm allergic to metal
and I have asthma.
I am suffering from chronic
gastritis and diabetes.
My doctor has forbidden me to
participate in any executions.
Fellow comrades,
do not kill me, it is Shabbat.
Attention.
Load.
Fire!
Shurenberg pestered HQ
for
a meeting with Hitler.
The F?rher, a chronic depressive,
had a taste
for unnecessary meetings.
"Thank God it's Friday!", the
great Russian spy said to himself.
Run, Rabinovich, run!
- "Heil Hitler."
- "Heil."
Papers, please.
SOVIET SPY CARD
SS SECURITY SERVICE
Be more careful in the future,
Standartenf?hrer.
"And there goes
a week's pay",
Shurenberg thought.
GESTAPO HILLS
FRAGILE!
PROPERTY OF ADOLF
GENERAL PARTY
Beautiful.
"Sch?n, sch?n."
Who has some dollar to lend me?
Sorry, "mein F?hrer"
The pigs pulled me over this
morning, fined me all I've got.
- Have you been drinking?
- No!
I had to put the pedal to
the metal to arrive on time.
I sympathise, man.
M?ller?
I'll pay you back on Monday.
Addy, is this a good idea?
- It's for my ill health.
- I'm sure...
"Auf Wiedersehen."
Tuck back that belly.
I'll get you one of these days.
A true Aryan.
Shurenberg
left work early that day,
to take his ride for a cruise
in the moonlit
streets of Berlin.
The glorious victory of May 9
would soon take place ...
007 Sra?e
... yet there were still
many espionage
missions to fulfil.
And you, how are you?
You look healthy.
Another sprouting.
You're almost there.
It's so beautiful.
God be praised.
Kuzmich!
Aleksandr Isaevich.
So, how are you?
How is work going?
I don't particularly want to talk about it.
- What is it?
- I'm sick and tired of it.
Tired of all these stories of
espionage. I am homesick.
I see.
Keep holding on, you're a superhero
responsible for protecting
the nation's oil.
You should relax, my boy.
I left you something
in the fridge, it will please you.
You're a real pal.
What would I do without you?
I fight because I am satisfied that
the German people have decided
to shed their blood to build
a strong and admired nation...
This is too good!
Intensive fitness program.
Not more than 14 hours
of sleep per night.
And then it's off to another
day of drudgery with the Gestapo.
TOP SECRET DEPARTMENT
TOP SECRET
SILENCE!
CONFERENCE IN PROGRESS!
BORMAN
What I would give
to be in Cabo.
SMOKING AREA
It seems that the building
is infested microphones.
It was on the roof.
What to do? We must admit it.
The Russians are pros.
It seems
someone has done their homework.
Everything is in order.
He starts to annoy me.
I'm sure he's a spy.
This accusation, is it based
on evidence?
Not yet, but it will come.
Then put it on hold,
or you will suffer constipation
from the incredibly stiff stick up your arse.
Shurenberg must comply with
the orders of the conspiracy.
Lingering in places
frequented by the Nazis
was one of his obligations.
Shurenberg hated
company parties.
He forced himself
to follow rigorous discipline
and sometimes had
to slow down.
Alright!~~~
Hans. Klaus.
Yeah bro!
- Olaf.
- Where have you been hiding, honey?
The job, girls.
THE WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP
OF "HEIL, HITLER"
UNDISPUTED WORLD CHAMPION
114
00:21:55,222 --> 00:21:57,807
- Gruppenf?hrer.
- Shurenberg.
- A quick game?
- No funny business this time.
That's low. The light falls
only on the board.
- Yes?
- Yes.
- Such a move, really?
- You are very insolent.
Take this.
Don't count your chickens before they are hatched...
The bald make bad players.
- Shall we cut to brass tacks?
- Have you been promoted?
Quite to the contrary.
And I need cash.
Looking at you,
Shurenberg, I say:
"That's a Nazi as he should be."
A bright boy,
effective and loyal to the Reich.
But sometimes, I ...
Yes, occasionally I look at you and I think,
without wanting to offend you,
there's a good face of a slave.
You think it's fun to see
your boobs move like a flan?
Front, back! Front, back!
I want to go home!
To Mom's!
Drink a glass of vodka,
the nice Soviet type.
Embrace who I am
and spend my holidays in
Turkey dancing.
But I am the in the Third Reich
among morons!
Shurenberg nearly
blew his cover.
Checkmate.
Better luck next time.
So dirty occupants
is it party time or what?!
Aww hell no!
Kuzmich, please,
close the fridge door.
I'm tired of having to
defrost it all the time.
MOSCOW KREMLIN
POST OFFICE
OF THE SOVIET UNION
In Moscow, the sky will remain
cloudy all day.
We predict
thawing for tomorrow.
Expect melted snow
and slushy conditions.
A hurricane is
expected in the suburbs.
In Rublyovka Hills,
we will have a dry and sunny
day with a slight breeze
and becoming hot and wet
as you go... further south.
We expect a 50% off
sale at Chanel
where temperatures
will reach 22 degrees.
mark this in your diaries
and take advantage of this hot offer.
A spy without a coded message
can sink to the lake bottom
like a stone.
Shurenberg knew he still had to
decipher this strange message.
He knew he had to relax
if he wanted to decipher the code,
but nothing worked.
He took out his
"Code Word
Pocket Dictionary"
He had a hunch that this message
would disrupt and upset his life.
He spent the night
recording the information,
and at daybreak,
the message eventually became clear.
SHE'S SINGLE
Hello, I'm Zina,
your decryptor.
Sasha Osechkin, spy.
A beautiful landing.
Enchanted.
Likewise.
Zina ...
Such a lovely name.
- And quite rare.
- You are spiritual.
- You are cute.
- You're extraordinary.
We have only just met.
How can you judge?
I have this hunch.
I'm not sugar
but I'll melt.
- Have I seen you somewhere before?
- Certainly on the net.
I must warn the central;
they could be worried.
I'll take this opportunity to
update my Facebook status!
Err, perhaps you'd better not.
He has a way to go.
Can I take you to
the safe house?
How do you travel?
I travel by ski
and I love to ATV. And you?
Ice skates.
- Will these rollers do the trick?
- No, but we will do with.
No more secret code
on our the rendezvous.
- Can we at least still use the roller skates?
- Let's spy and then we'll talk.
"Heil Hitler."
Ironman Hans von Eisen. It's been a while,
How are you?
As usual.
The kids who whine,
the death rattle of the bourgeois,
a lazy wife ...
Finally, a happy life.
I see.
But I would not be bothered
personal problems.
I charge 300 Reichsmark an hour
for family therapy.
Something of a hobby.
But let's talk business.
Here, take a look at this.
I'm sure Shurenberg
is a Soviet spy.
But, Gruppenf?hrer, we've tried radio tapping.
It is useless. I would have less
trouble getting pregnant.
Why would you do that?
You'd be tired,
whimsical, ill.
Search the world over.
We must find out if he is. Think about it.
Put a contract on his head.
At the expense of the taxpayer?
Do something:
threat, questioning ...
Rape with foreign objects.
The old methods!
How you doin' nigga?
Where you goin'?
You got the rhythm
in the blood, my brother!
This shit moves the city man.
Gimme five.
The only person in the whole Reich
Shurenberg respected
was an American SuperAgent
working undercover
as Hitler's personal DJ:
50 Shillings.
I have decided to
stay here in Berlin to enjoy
the victories and advances
our great reich!
I will review my plans. There are
too many successes for a leader!
So many so that I could burst!
Und das ist Hitler!
And they, our friendly soldiers!
Them, the Russians pigs!
No, help, leave me alone!
Is that clear?
I told you all that
with heart on hand
our soldiers can be proud of
their work across the Reich.
They will come back full of medals
on the torso, and stories in the head.
They are the vectors
of our triumph,
their hands stained with the enemy's blood,
with the desire to suck
the udders of the nation.
Blitzkrieg, blitzkrieg,
blitzkrieg, blitzkrieg!
Shurenberg!
To the table!
This does not interest you?
- Not at all, "mein F?hrer!"
- Not at all it does, or not at all it doesn't?
It does, "mein F?hrer!"
Then repeat
what I said, "bitte".
- Absolutely everything?
- From A to Z.
Some nerve, eh?
All those years of training
would be used for something.
I enjoy
advances our reich.
These are successes too
one officer must ensure!
I tell you the heart to the hand!
That is Hitler.
And they, our friendly soldiers.
Yes, yes ...
And they, the Russian soldiers.
This is wonderful!
Is that clear?
The Gestapo launched an invitation for tenders
for a secret weapon.
The Kremlin asked Shurenberg
to keep an eye on the project.
- "Heil Hitler."
- Enough, Shurenberg.
At a time when the Allies
progress in our country,
you scuttle around like a ballerina.
But I think only of
the victory of our Reich.
Please, anything but that.
The shot of patriotism ...
Stop being the problem
child at work, you hear?.
I have a mission for you.
MISSION OF THE DAY:
DEATH RAY LASER
The secret weapon
we wanted.
You will make me
a business plan.
30% increase in the budget,
half under the table.
No bullshit, Shurenberg.
Do your homework.
No stains on your notebook.
Or on the bed sheets.
I want a good note.
It's out of the question
to defecate on the flowers!
It messes up the buds.
Is that clear?
Questions?
- I can't grope girls?
- It is a distraction.
This mission is
the last hope of the Reich.
We do not fiddle with the babes.
I appreciate the confidence
you bear me.
I will not disappoint you
even if I can not fiddle.
Sometimes I just feel
like jumping.
All is well.
This is the third time today.
IN MAY: ALL OF GERMANY
ANNA SEMIOMOVICH
THE BEST SPY WORLD
Have you no shame?
Engineer Garik?
(Famous Armenian/Russian TV entertainer)
- Yes.
- The project, I was just trying?
- To study it?
- Yeah, examen it.
Don't waste your time.
My weapon is impenetrable.
Here is my May Day Death Ray.
With it, victory is assured.
Sit.
Professor, would you describe yourself
as loyal to the Reich?
Standartenf?hrer ...
I'm a businessman.
Talk to your superiors.
They make a better offer,
I take the money.
And you get a commission.
Let's go.
We can talk here.
It is a safe place.
If I tell you something,
you won't denounce me,
- will you?
- No.
In fact,
I can not stand the Nazis.
Thank you for your sincerity.
To be honest, me neither.
- Do we have an understanding?
- I think so.
- You work for the Kremlin?
- Yes.
Take care of business.
Grant me asylum,
a crib in central Moscow,
Three Russians,
blonde and affectionate,
and then I'll blow the fucking Nazis.
A tempting proposition.
Deal.
I'll have two Big McF?hrers and
a large Nordicola with ice.
And fatherland fries.
And fatherland fries!
(unintelligible)
- It'll be ready in a minute.
- I'm not deaf.
This is where I spy
discreetly.
I eat like a pig.
I love it.
A girl who has an appetite,
this is rare.
I've always felt like
a pregnant woman.
I come from a region
that has experienced famine.
I can not help it.
I see food,
and I can not resist.
I throw myself upon it.
I had a weird childhood too.
When I was angry
against someone,
I used to secrete
a poisonous saliva.
- You're kidding me.
- My mother used me
to kill flies.
- Stop it!
- This is the truth!
When I am with you,
I feel ...
in my place.
Oi! You, with the remote control.
We can embrace quietly?
ZINA, YOU DRIVE ME CRAZY!
Stop! Halt!
Stop!
I know a very fun game they
play around the corner. What do you say?
Okay... What kind of game?
"Can you recognise it blind? "
- What, not up for it?
- Me?
Houston, we have a problem.
YALTA CONFERENCE, FEB 1945
Where is my tobacco?
And now, my dear Shurenberg,
We loved the Reich and now...
Yes.
The situation is
far from rosy.
"Far from rosy."
A very appropriate expression.
A simple expression,
but appropriate.
I like you a lot.
I mean, I really like you.
You too, I mean, err, Obergruppenf?hrer...
- ...I think you're a good person.
- Thank you.
You look so inspired,
so intelligent and brave ...
- That's nice.
- Your smile is bedazzling.
- Thank you, Obergruppenf?hrer.
- Believe me,
I'd bet you know, in the true sense,
how to satisfy a man.
- I'd rather not.
- Love is blind.
- I still have my eyes.
- A pitty.
You should
let go, forget everything,
and take the leap.
Take the plunge
and jump in to the water like a
14 year-old virgin jugend.
It makes my skin quiver,
the blue sky starts to shiver,
from the grandiose celebration of our race,
and our gay merry meeting in this place.
Obergruppenf?hrer, I did not know you play.
Magnifique!
Your intelligence
is too sharp,
you are not an Aryan.
What are you playing at,
Nazi bitch?
Come on, say it.
Come out with it!
Forget it. It's not in my horoscope
today, nor yours.
While Shurenberg
rolled through the streets of Berlin,
he repeated that he was ready
to sacrifice everything for his country.
-except-
the virginal integrity
of certain of his orifices.
"Heil", my son.
Hello.
- Have we been drinking, perhaps?
- Forget it,
- you'll never catch me out.
- Please step out of the vehicle.
Little Red Riding Hood to Central.
The wolf knows the cakes are
stuffed cabbage, not beef.
Brackets ...
The Armenian squirrel
has left the country.
He needs a pad in town.
Toast.
Completed.
Zinotchka ...
My beloved little witch ...
It's been a while since you last
frequented the Moscow clubs.
Girls do these things,
you will see ...
This may be your illusion,
but you're my witch
the only one who matters.
Sometimes I think about us.
We live in a foreign country,
among these fascists.
So far from our dear Russia.
But you're here,
to play spies with me.
What would I do without you?
Once back in Moscow
what will happen?
Tramps will throw themselves at you.
What are you saying?
They will.
And you will succumb, you'll see.
Men are all alike.
It doesn't even upset me any more.
Central to Little Red Riding Hood.
We will hook the squirrel
up with a first-class crib.
In case of problems, granny
will be the backup.
Sasha
I am in my third month.
- Is it mine?
- No, Hitler's(!)
Of course, it's yours.
My angel with pink cheeks.
A mother with big tits.
- Are you happy?
- Are you kidding or what?
Obviously ...
I'm happy.
Want to see?
Wait!
Look!
I'm happy!
GESTAPO HILLS
Only a seasoned spy
as Shurenberg
could keep his wits about him as
Iron Hans von Eisen
continued to
watch him closely.
All that remained a mystery
were his intentions.
Hans, buddy,
What brings you here?
Shurenberg.
Sorry to arrive unannounced.
The Gestapo banned texting.
I know. We'll talk about it
at the union meeting.
Can I get you anything?
- A tea?
- Green Tea. Without caffeine.
What was this weird music
that I heard?
Nothing like I've heard before.
It was a bit of trance CMS
Nazi techno.
"Tai-pin-ho-ku"
Chinese exclusive import.
Shurenberg,
you are aware
there are people in the Gestapo
who believe that you are
a Soviet spy.
Do you want sugar?
No, but I'll
take my tea on a saucer.
- You know, so I don't spill.
- Right.
Moving on,
trying to find
evidence against you,
is like opening champagne
with your buttocks.
It's new and it hurts
just thinking.
Suffice to say, it is impossible.
- Milk?
- Semi-skimmed. Thank you.
It goes without saying.
Do not get me wrong,
but I was ordered yesterday by M?ller
to peruse your file.
I'll have to ask you
a few questions.
Fine.
Let's begin.
Have you faxed our plans to Stalin?
This is a routine questionnaire.
Wait.
I left
my fingerprints on the fax?
No no.
Continuing.
I'll ask the next question.
Question. Will they come
out with another "Matrix" movie or not?
Hans, it's a trilogy.
It was a trick question.
You fell into our trap.
We heard your conversation
with engineer Garik. Interesting.
So he escapes to Moscow?
He thinks we suck,
is that it?
You know?
Wait!
That's in my file?
Leave it at that.
Otherwise I will hurt you.
The more Shurenberg
felt anger come over him,
the more poison filled his mouth.
I warned you,
stupid Iron Man.
My darling,
what are you doing?
Come to bed.
Without you, I can not sleep.
I'm coming, sweetheart.
I have to work late.
- I'll be right there.
- Hurry up.
Not too loud, huh?
Otherwise we will awake Zina.
THE ASHES OF IRON HANS VON EISEN
RETURN HOME, DIRTY COMMUNIST!
Hidden deep
in suburban Berlin
was the safe
house of the Red Army.
Nobody could distinguish
it from the other apartments.
"Heil", Machin.
A and B are on a boat.
A fall in the water and B disappears.
- Who are you then? Tell me!
- NKVD.
Perhaps. Come in.
My cover
will soon be blown.
My contract mentions
the words "force majeure"
so I came to see you.
I see, yes.
Being unmasked is unpleasant.
Humiliation, interrogation,
tweezers, curlers.
- Curlers?
- The permanent ass hair.
- Have you been tortured?
- Huh?
No, it's just Chianti.
I partied yesterday.
With some metal workers.
True saints.
Well, let's get your equipment.
This is a beautiful sofa
I love the decor.
I live alone. I spend
my hours masturbating.
Well, let's see.
What have we here?
So ...
Cyanide
Valium, gags,
handcuffs, range,
slip alternative
crosswords, leather whip
and obviously, pear enema.
In other words,
basic survival kit.
- But what about the ...
- "Niet."
No tickets for the
Moscow Midget Circus.
Speaking of circus
you see that briefcase there?
It's for you. Engineer Garik
asked me to give it to you.
He arrived in Moscow
and is doing well.
He opened a casino.
Clients from the Kremlin
down to the workers at the local kebab.
Russian resistance.
What can I do for you?
No, we do not do home delivery
before 7 o'-clock.
Your dues as promised.
10% commission.
MOTHER RUSSIA
NEUTRAL GROUND
TO THE REICH
For you, comrade,
the right door.
MOTHER RUSSIA
I want to go East,
you can not imagine how badly.
Listen,
I'll get Zina and
we'll all take the door.
Zina was arrested at dawn.
Gestapo torture
for three hours.
It must be
in the process of braking her soul.
I would suggest
trying to release her,
but the orders are clear:
return home to Russia.
Sorry, man.
I can not.
Be reasonable.
Return home.
You do not need Zina.
One can very easily live without a woman.
I give you my couch.
It's yours.
Sorry.
A hero has obligations.
Who is your contact?
Never.
Who is your contact?
Shurenberg!
I am delighted to see you here,
Herr Clever-Boy.
At the mall
we stopped
a Russian radio operator.
Do you know her?
- Who is your contact?
- Never.
Try not to cry.
Why would I know her?
What's wrong?
I think I caught a cold.
I'm dizzy.
Get well soon!
Shurenberg imagined Zina
at the shopping mall.
He sympathised
with the pain of his dearest.
Against the wall!
Come on, hurry!
Drop your weapons!
Drop them
continues
Sasha! Sasha
- Sasha
- Zina
Come on, babes!
Yes.
Yes.
Passionately signed, Borman.
Order:
Transfer the attendant
custody Standartenf?hrer
SS Shurenberg. Signed, Herr Borman.
And you wore it?
A Gucci?
Are you kidding?
Hugo Boss is far more dashing.
I'll call you later.
- Admit it. Who is your hairdresser?
- Never!
- "Heil Hitler."
- "Heil."
Frau Otto, new orders.
I will try to get
something out of the peasant.
PAIN, INJURY,
EMERGENCY EXIT
Where is Shurenberg, that son of a *****
I'll **** him
from behind!
And when I'm finished,
I will not hesitate
to rip your *** open
and I'll **** in it!
50 Shilling.
50 Shilling,
let's do this shit, yeah?
Why don't we go to
Chile, in the spring?
No!
All the Gestapo go. I get
tired of seeing the same losers.
So start
holidaying in Dubai.
It is expensive.
And I drowning at work.
Who will take care of the Reich
in my absence?
There has to be someone for the job.
There is more to life.
- Eva, do not blame me.
- Blame you?
Well, I'll talk to M?ller. He'll
perhaps have time for me.
Forgive me.
I have a lot of trouble
because of all the stress.
You have your makeup bag?
Of course.
What would I do without it?
You're crazy ...
It was you who took my nightie?
What nightie?
My Dolce & Gabbana
leopard skin nightie.
You crazy?
I spent the day trying to save you!
Okay?
Do not talk to me like that!
Sorry, kitten, I am a little
on my nerves today.
Anyway, this
makeup kit?
Taxi!
- How much to take us to the frontier?
- 80 euros.
- It's just 20 minutes!
- Go on foot.
If you don't like it you can ride
in the back of a pickup like the other illegals.
For the front?
Dirty crook!
Idiot!
What are you waiting for?
Hit the gas!
We're here.
Just a minute, boss.
Let me catch my breath,
for once.
PASSPORT CONTROL
FRONTIER
Zina and Shurenberg were heading
through Passport Control
and were relieved
they weren't Muslims.
Dear Nazis, thank you
kindly leave your keys,
phones, computers
and handgun safety.
FRONTIER
WELCOME!
ENTRY VERBOTTEN!
- Hello there.
- Hello.
WANTED
ENEMY OF THE STATE
They are there.
Bring them
for interrogation.
Zina, run!
Yes?
"Ja ..."
I let him pass, ja.
Come.
This is where it ends.
Traduction de Fran?ais ? Anglais par Le Rosbif
FPS: 23.98 - Enjoy the film.
HITLER IS KAPUT
As the Second
World War ended,
an informant
used by the SS
told the Reich Main Security Office
that the execution of Rabinovich,
a Jew considered too lucky
by the Nazis,
was
the only hope of the Reich.
Listen, occupant comrades!
This must be a mistake.
I've only played the harpsichord
with the fascist-supporting orchestra.
I never hurt
a single Nazi. Even in thought.
I'm allergic to metal
and I have asthma.
I am suffering from chronic
gastritis and diabetes.
My doctor has forbidden me to
participate in any executions.
Fellow comrades,
do not kill me, it is Shabbat.
Attention.
Load.
Fire!
Shurenberg pestered HQ
for
a meeting with Hitler.
The F?rher, a chronic depressive,
had a taste
for unnecessary meetings.
"Thank God it's Friday!", the
great Russian spy said to himself.
Run, Rabinovich, run!
- "Heil Hitler."
- "Heil."
Papers, please.
SOVIET SPY CARD
SS SECURITY SERVICE
Be more careful in the future,
Standartenf?hrer.
"And there goes
a week's pay",
Shurenberg thought.
GESTAPO HILLS
FRAGILE!
PROPERTY OF ADOLF
GENERAL PARTY
Beautiful.
"Sch?n, sch?n."
Who has some dollar to lend me?
Sorry, "mein F?hrer"
The pigs pulled me over this
morning, fined me all I've got.
- Have you been drinking?
- No!
I had to put the pedal to
the metal to arrive on time.
I sympathise, man.
M?ller?
I'll pay you back on Monday.
Addy, is this a good idea?
- It's for my ill health.
- I'm sure...
"Auf Wiedersehen."
Tuck back that belly.
I'll get you one of these days.
A true Aryan.
Shurenberg
left work early that day,
to take his ride for a cruise
in the moonlit
streets of Berlin.
The glorious victory of May 9
would soon take place ...
007 Sra?e
... yet there were still
many espionage
missions to fulfil.
And you, how are you?
You look healthy.
Another sprouting.
You're almost there.
It's so beautiful.
God be praised.
Kuzmich!
Aleksandr Isaevich.
So, how are you?
How is work going?
I don't particularly want to talk about it.
- What is it?
- I'm sick and tired of it.
Tired of all these stories of
espionage. I am homesick.
I see.
Keep holding on, you're a superhero
responsible for protecting
the nation's oil.
You should relax, my boy.
I left you something
in the fridge, it will please you.
You're a real pal.
What would I do without you?
I fight because I am satisfied that
the German people have decided
to shed their blood to build
a strong and admired nation...
This is too good!
Intensive fitness program.
Not more than 14 hours
of sleep per night.
And then it's off to another
day of drudgery with the Gestapo.
TOP SECRET DEPARTMENT
TOP SECRET
SILENCE!
CONFERENCE IN PROGRESS!
BORMAN
What I would give
to be in Cabo.
SMOKING AREA
It seems that the building
is infested microphones.
It was on the roof.
What to do? We must admit it.
The Russians are pros.
It seems
someone has done their homework.
Everything is in order.
He starts to annoy me.
I'm sure he's a spy.
This accusation, is it based
on evidence?
Not yet, but it will come.
Then put it on hold,
or you will suffer constipation
from the incredibly stiff stick up your arse.
Shurenberg must comply with
the orders of the conspiracy.
Lingering in places
frequented by the Nazis
was one of his obligations.
Shurenberg hated
company parties.
He forced himself
to follow rigorous discipline
and sometimes had
to slow down.
Alright!~~~
Hans. Klaus.
Yeah bro!
- Olaf.
- Where have you been hiding, honey?
The job, girls.
THE WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP
OF "HEIL, HITLER"
UNDISPUTED WORLD CHAMPION
114
00:21:55,222 --> 00:21:57,807
- Gruppenf?hrer.
- Shurenberg.
- A quick game?
- No funny business this time.
That's low. The light falls
only on the board.
- Yes?
- Yes.
- Such a move, really?
- You are very insolent.
Take this.
Don't count your chickens before they are hatched...
The bald make bad players.
- Shall we cut to brass tacks?
- Have you been promoted?
Quite to the contrary.
And I need cash.
Looking at you,
Shurenberg, I say:
"That's a Nazi as he should be."
A bright boy,
effective and loyal to the Reich.
But sometimes, I ...
Yes, occasionally I look at you and I think,
without wanting to offend you,
there's a good face of a slave.
You think it's fun to see
your boobs move like a flan?
Front, back! Front, back!
I want to go home!
To Mom's!
Drink a glass of vodka,
the nice Soviet type.
Embrace who I am
and spend my holidays in
Turkey dancing.
But I am the in the Third Reich
among morons!
Shurenberg nearly
blew his cover.
Checkmate.
Better luck next time.
So dirty occupants
is it party time or what?!
Aww hell no!
Kuzmich, please,
close the fridge door.
I'm tired of having to
defrost it all the time.
MOSCOW KREMLIN
POST OFFICE
OF THE SOVIET UNION
In Moscow, the sky will remain
cloudy all day.
We predict
thawing for tomorrow.
Expect melted snow
and slushy conditions.
A hurricane is
expected in the suburbs.
In Rublyovka Hills,
we will have a dry and sunny
day with a slight breeze
and becoming hot and wet
as you go... further south.
We expect a 50% off
sale at Chanel
where temperatures
will reach 22 degrees.
mark this in your diaries
and take advantage of this hot offer.
A spy without a coded message
can sink to the lake bottom
like a stone.
Shurenberg knew he still had to
decipher this strange message.
He knew he had to relax
if he wanted to decipher the code,
but nothing worked.
He took out his
"Code Word
Pocket Dictionary"
He had a hunch that this message
would disrupt and upset his life.
He spent the night
recording the information,
and at daybreak,
the message eventually became clear.
SHE'S SINGLE
Hello, I'm Zina,
your decryptor.
Sasha Osechkin, spy.
A beautiful landing.
Enchanted.
Likewise.
Zina ...
Such a lovely name.
- And quite rare.
- You are spiritual.
- You are cute.
- You're extraordinary.
We have only just met.
How can you judge?
I have this hunch.
I'm not sugar
but I'll melt.
- Have I seen you somewhere before?
- Certainly on the net.
I must warn the central;
they could be worried.
I'll take this opportunity to
update my Facebook status!
Err, perhaps you'd better not.
He has a way to go.
Can I take you to
the safe house?
How do you travel?
I travel by ski
and I love to ATV. And you?
Ice skates.
- Will these rollers do the trick?
- No, but we will do with.
No more secret code
on our the rendezvous.
- Can we at least still use the roller skates?
- Let's spy and then we'll talk.
"Heil Hitler."
Ironman Hans von Eisen. It's been a while,
How are you?
As usual.
The kids who whine,
the death rattle of the bourgeois,
a lazy wife ...
Finally, a happy life.
I see.
But I would not be bothered
personal problems.
I charge 300 Reichsmark an hour
for family therapy.
Something of a hobby.
But let's talk business.
Here, take a look at this.
I'm sure Shurenberg
is a Soviet spy.
But, Gruppenf?hrer, we've tried radio tapping.
It is useless. I would have less
trouble getting pregnant.
Why would you do that?
You'd be tired,
whimsical, ill.
Search the world over.
We must find out if he is. Think about it.
Put a contract on his head.
At the expense of the taxpayer?
Do something:
threat, questioning ...
Rape with foreign objects.
The old methods!
How you doin' nigga?
Where you goin'?
You got the rhythm
in the blood, my brother!
This shit moves the city man.
Gimme five.
The only person in the whole Reich
Shurenberg respected
was an American SuperAgent
working undercover
as Hitler's personal DJ:
50 Shillings.
I have decided to
stay here in Berlin to enjoy
the victories and advances
our great reich!
I will review my plans. There are
too many successes for a leader!
So many so that I could burst!
Und das ist Hitler!
And they, our friendly soldiers!
Them, the Russians pigs!
No, help, leave me alone!
Is that clear?
I told you all that
with heart on hand
our soldiers can be proud of
their work across the Reich.
They will come back full of medals
on the torso, and stories in the head.
They are the vectors
of our triumph,
their hands stained with the enemy's blood,
with the desire to suck
the udders of the nation.
Blitzkrieg, blitzkrieg,
blitzkrieg, blitzkrieg!
Shurenberg!
To the table!
This does not interest you?
- Not at all, "mein F?hrer!"
- Not at all it does, or not at all it doesn't?
It does, "mein F?hrer!"
Then repeat
what I said, "bitte".
- Absolutely everything?
- From A to Z.
Some nerve, eh?
All those years of training
would be used for something.
I enjoy
advances our reich.
These are successes too
one officer must ensure!
I tell you the heart to the hand!
That is Hitler.
And they, our friendly soldiers.
Yes, yes ...
And they, the Russian soldiers.
This is wonderful!
Is that clear?
The Gestapo launched an invitation for tenders
for a secret weapon.
The Kremlin asked Shurenberg
to keep an eye on the project.
- "Heil Hitler."
- Enough, Shurenberg.
At a time when the Allies
progress in our country,
you scuttle around like a ballerina.
But I think only of
the victory of our Reich.
Please, anything but that.
The shot of patriotism ...
Stop being the problem
child at work, you hear?.
I have a mission for you.
MISSION OF THE DAY:
DEATH RAY LASER
The secret weapon
we wanted.
You will make me
a business plan.
30% increase in the budget,
half under the table.
No bullshit, Shurenberg.
Do your homework.
No stains on your notebook.
Or on the bed sheets.
I want a good note.
It's out of the question
to defecate on the flowers!
It messes up the buds.
Is that clear?
Questions?
- I can't grope girls?
- It is a distraction.
This mission is
the last hope of the Reich.
We do not fiddle with the babes.
I appreciate the confidence
you bear me.
I will not disappoint you
even if I can not fiddle.
Sometimes I just feel
like jumping.
All is well.
This is the third time today.
IN MAY: ALL OF GERMANY
ANNA SEMIOMOVICH
THE BEST SPY WORLD
Have you no shame?
Engineer Garik?
(Famous Armenian/Russian TV entertainer)
- Yes.
- The project, I was just trying?
- To study it?
- Yeah, examen it.
Don't waste your time.
My weapon is impenetrable.
Here is my May Day Death Ray.
With it, victory is assured.
Sit.
Professor, would you describe yourself
as loyal to the Reich?
Standartenf?hrer ...
I'm a businessman.
Talk to your superiors.
They make a better offer,
I take the money.
And you get a commission.
Let's go.
We can talk here.
It is a safe place.
If I tell you something,
you won't denounce me,
- will you?
- No.
In fact,
I can not stand the Nazis.
Thank you for your sincerity.
To be honest, me neither.
- Do we have an understanding?
- I think so.
- You work for the Kremlin?
- Yes.
Take care of business.
Grant me asylum,
a crib in central Moscow,
Three Russians,
blonde and affectionate,
and then I'll blow the fucking Nazis.
A tempting proposition.
Deal.
I'll have two Big McF?hrers and
a large Nordicola with ice.
And fatherland fries.
And fatherland fries!
(unintelligible)
- It'll be ready in a minute.
- I'm not deaf.
This is where I spy
discreetly.
I eat like a pig.
I love it.
A girl who has an appetite,
this is rare.
I've always felt like
a pregnant woman.
I come from a region
that has experienced famine.
I can not help it.
I see food,
and I can not resist.
I throw myself upon it.
I had a weird childhood too.
When I was angry
against someone,
I used to secrete
a poisonous saliva.
- You're kidding me.
- My mother used me
to kill flies.
- Stop it!
- This is the truth!
When I am with you,
I feel ...
in my place.
Oi! You, with the remote control.
We can embrace quietly?
ZINA, YOU DRIVE ME CRAZY!
Stop! Halt!
Stop!
I know a very fun game they
play around the corner. What do you say?
Okay... What kind of game?
"Can you recognise it blind? "
- What, not up for it?
- Me?
Houston, we have a problem.
YALTA CONFERENCE, FEB 1945
Where is my tobacco?
And now, my dear Shurenberg,
We loved the Reich and now...
Yes.
The situation is
far from rosy.
"Far from rosy."
A very appropriate expression.
A simple expression,
but appropriate.
I like you a lot.
I mean, I really like you.
You too, I mean, err, Obergruppenf?hrer...
- ...I think you're a good person.
- Thank you.
You look so inspired,
so intelligent and brave ...
- That's nice.
- Your smile is bedazzling.
- Thank you, Obergruppenf?hrer.
- Believe me,
I'd bet you know, in the true sense,
how to satisfy a man.
- I'd rather not.
- Love is blind.
- I still have my eyes.
- A pitty.
You should
let go, forget everything,
and take the leap.
Take the plunge
and jump in to the water like a
14 year-old virgin jugend.
It makes my skin quiver,
the blue sky starts to shiver,
from the grandiose celebration of our race,
and our gay merry meeting in this place.
Obergruppenf?hrer, I did not know you play.
Magnifique!
Your intelligence
is too sharp,
you are not an Aryan.
What are you playing at,
Nazi bitch?
Come on, say it.
Come out with it!
Forget it. It's not in my horoscope
today, nor yours.
While Shurenberg
rolled through the streets of Berlin,
he repeated that he was ready
to sacrifice everything for his country.
-except-
the virginal integrity
of certain of his orifices.
"Heil", my son.
Hello.
- Have we been drinking, perhaps?
- Forget it,
- you'll never catch me out.
- Please step out of the vehicle.
Little Red Riding Hood to Central.
The wolf knows the cakes are
stuffed cabbage, not beef.
Brackets ...
The Armenian squirrel
has left the country.
He needs a pad in town.
Toast.
Completed.
Zinotchka ...
My beloved little witch ...
It's been a while since you last
frequented the Moscow clubs.
Girls do these things,
you will see ...
This may be your illusion,
but you're my witch
the only one who matters.
Sometimes I think about us.
We live in a foreign country,
among these fascists.
So far from our dear Russia.
But you're here,
to play spies with me.
What would I do without you?
Once back in Moscow
what will happen?
Tramps will throw themselves at you.
What are you saying?
They will.
And you will succumb, you'll see.
Men are all alike.
It doesn't even upset me any more.
Central to Little Red Riding Hood.
We will hook the squirrel
up with a first-class crib.
In case of problems, granny
will be the backup.
Sasha
I am in my third month.
- Is it mine?
- No, Hitler's(!)
Of course, it's yours.
My angel with pink cheeks.
A mother with big tits.
- Are you happy?
- Are you kidding or what?
Obviously ...
I'm happy.
Want to see?
Wait!
Look!
I'm happy!
GESTAPO HILLS
Only a seasoned spy
as Shurenberg
could keep his wits about him as
Iron Hans von Eisen
continued to
watch him closely.
All that remained a mystery
were his intentions.
Hans, buddy,
What brings you here?
Shurenberg.
Sorry to arrive unannounced.
The Gestapo banned texting.
I know. We'll talk about it
at the union meeting.
Can I get you anything?
- A tea?
- Green Tea. Without caffeine.
What was this weird music
that I heard?
Nothing like I've heard before.
It was a bit of trance CMS
Nazi techno.
"Tai-pin-ho-ku"
Chinese exclusive import.
Shurenberg,
you are aware
there are people in the Gestapo
who believe that you are
a Soviet spy.
Do you want sugar?
No, but I'll
take my tea on a saucer.
- You know, so I don't spill.
- Right.
Moving on,
trying to find
evidence against you,
is like opening champagne
with your buttocks.
It's new and it hurts
just thinking.
Suffice to say, it is impossible.
- Milk?
- Semi-skimmed. Thank you.
It goes without saying.
Do not get me wrong,
but I was ordered yesterday by M?ller
to peruse your file.
I'll have to ask you
a few questions.
Fine.
Let's begin.
Have you faxed our plans to Stalin?
This is a routine questionnaire.
Wait.
I left
my fingerprints on the fax?
No no.
Continuing.
I'll ask the next question.
Question. Will they come
out with another "Matrix" movie or not?
Hans, it's a trilogy.
It was a trick question.
You fell into our trap.
We heard your conversation
with engineer Garik. Interesting.
So he escapes to Moscow?
He thinks we suck,
is that it?
You know?
Wait!
That's in my file?
Leave it at that.
Otherwise I will hurt you.
The more Shurenberg
felt anger come over him,
the more poison filled his mouth.
I warned you,
stupid Iron Man.
My darling,
what are you doing?
Come to bed.
Without you, I can not sleep.
I'm coming, sweetheart.
I have to work late.
- I'll be right there.
- Hurry up.
Not too loud, huh?
Otherwise we will awake Zina.
THE ASHES OF IRON HANS VON EISEN
RETURN HOME, DIRTY COMMUNIST!
Hidden deep
in suburban Berlin
was the safe
house of the Red Army.
Nobody could distinguish
it from the other apartments.
"Heil", Machin.
A and B are on a boat.
A fall in the water and B disappears.
- Who are you then? Tell me!
- NKVD.
Perhaps. Come in.
My cover
will soon be blown.
My contract mentions
the words "force majeure"
so I came to see you.
I see, yes.
Being unmasked is unpleasant.
Humiliation, interrogation,
tweezers, curlers.
- Curlers?
- The permanent ass hair.
- Have you been tortured?
- Huh?
No, it's just Chianti.
I partied yesterday.
With some metal workers.
True saints.
Well, let's get your equipment.
This is a beautiful sofa
I love the decor.
I live alone. I spend
my hours masturbating.
Well, let's see.
What have we here?
So ...
Cyanide
Valium, gags,
handcuffs, range,
slip alternative
crosswords, leather whip
and obviously, pear enema.
In other words,
basic survival kit.
- But what about the ...
- "Niet."
No tickets for the
Moscow Midget Circus.
Speaking of circus
you see that briefcase there?
It's for you. Engineer Garik
asked me to give it to you.
He arrived in Moscow
and is doing well.
He opened a casino.
Clients from the Kremlin
down to the workers at the local kebab.
Russian resistance.
What can I do for you?
No, we do not do home delivery
before 7 o'-clock.
Your dues as promised.
10% commission.
MOTHER RUSSIA
NEUTRAL GROUND
TO THE REICH
For you, comrade,
the right door.
MOTHER RUSSIA
I want to go East,
you can not imagine how badly.
Listen,
I'll get Zina and
we'll all take the door.
Zina was arrested at dawn.
Gestapo torture
for three hours.
It must be
in the process of braking her soul.
I would suggest
trying to release her,
but the orders are clear:
return home to Russia.
Sorry, man.
I can not.
Be reasonable.
Return home.
You do not need Zina.
One can very easily live without a woman.
I give you my couch.
It's yours.
Sorry.
A hero has obligations.
Who is your contact?
Never.
Who is your contact?
Shurenberg!
I am delighted to see you here,
Herr Clever-Boy.
At the mall
we stopped
a Russian radio operator.
Do you know her?
- Who is your contact?
- Never.
Try not to cry.
Why would I know her?
What's wrong?
I think I caught a cold.
I'm dizzy.
Get well soon!
Shurenberg imagined Zina
at the shopping mall.
He sympathised
with the pain of his dearest.
Against the wall!
Come on, hurry!
Drop your weapons!
Drop them
continues
Sasha! Sasha
- Sasha
- Zina
Come on, babes!
Yes.
Yes.
Passionately signed, Borman.
Order:
Transfer the attendant
custody Standartenf?hrer
SS Shurenberg. Signed, Herr Borman.
And you wore it?
A Gucci?
Are you kidding?
Hugo Boss is far more dashing.
I'll call you later.
- Admit it. Who is your hairdresser?
- Never!
- "Heil Hitler."
- "Heil."
Frau Otto, new orders.
I will try to get
something out of the peasant.
PAIN, INJURY,
EMERGENCY EXIT
Where is Shurenberg, that son of a *****
I'll **** him
from behind!
And when I'm finished,
I will not hesitate
to rip your *** open
and I'll **** in it!
50 Shilling.
50 Shilling,
let's do this shit, yeah?
Why don't we go to
Chile, in the spring?
No!
All the Gestapo go. I get
tired of seeing the same losers.
So start
holidaying in Dubai.
It is expensive.
And I drowning at work.
Who will take care of the Reich
in my absence?
There has to be someone for the job.
There is more to life.
- Eva, do not blame me.
- Blame you?
Well, I'll talk to M?ller. He'll
perhaps have time for me.
Forgive me.
I have a lot of trouble
because of all the stress.
You have your makeup bag?
Of course.
What would I do without it?
You're crazy ...
It was you who took my nightie?
What nightie?
My Dolce & Gabbana
leopard skin nightie.
You crazy?
I spent the day trying to save you!
Okay?
Do not talk to me like that!
Sorry, kitten, I am a little
on my nerves today.
Anyway, this
makeup kit?
Taxi!
- How much to take us to the frontier?
- 80 euros.
- It's just 20 minutes!
- Go on foot.
If you don't like it you can ride
in the back of a pickup like the other illegals.
For the front?
Dirty crook!
Idiot!
What are you waiting for?
Hit the gas!
We're here.
Just a minute, boss.
Let me catch my breath,
for once.
PASSPORT CONTROL
FRONTIER
Zina and Shurenberg were heading
through Passport Control
and were relieved
they weren't Muslims.
Dear Nazis, thank you
kindly leave your keys,
phones, computers
and handgun safety.
FRONTIER
WELCOME!
ENTRY VERBOTTEN!
- Hello there.
- Hello.
WANTED
ENEMY OF THE STATE
They are there.
Bring them
for interrogation.
Zina, run!
Yes?
"Ja ..."
I let him pass, ja.
Come.
This is where it ends.