Girlfriend from Hell (1989) - full transcript

(Rock music)

: Here she comes, watch her yell:

R she's a rant—raving
hot-headed, jezebel r

r color your life, le miserable r

I but you love it when she
calls you names, I can tell r

r she suits you well your
girlfriend from hell r

(j'ooh la la la la la la la la)

R burn love, burn love, burn love r

r she treats you bad,
she's got a crooked smile r

r behind those angel eyes
lies a wicked child r

r don't take your friend's advice r



r you know you like a
woman with a heavy vice j'

r this is more than just a fling r

r and boy you're playing
with a dangerous thing I

r she's got you under her spell,
your girlfriend from hell r

r love burns, love burns, love burns r

r your girlfriend from hell r

(j'ooh la la la la la la la la)

R girlfriend from hell r

r love burns, love burns, love burns r

r ooh la la la la la la la r

(Explosion)

(Dramatic music)

(Groaning)

(Wind blowing)



Look sweetheart, can't you just give in

and let me blast your ass?

I am getting tired of this shit.

(Grunting)

(Laser blasting)

- David, I don't know
what the big deal is.

I mean, Maggie is a great girl,

and she'd be perfect for Carl.

- I just don't like the idea

of arranging this for a close friend.

It's like sending someone to
battle with an unknown enemy.

- Battle? Unknown enemy?

We're talking about a date here.

- Not just any date, it's a blind date.

- So what?

Besides, what makes you think
it's only tough on guys?

I mean, women are just as nervous

about being stuck with a geek.

The only reason I'm setting them up

is because I know Carl and I know Maggie.

And besides a couple
of flaws that Carl has,

he's an okay guy, they'd
be perfect together.

- Well, what are Carl's flaws?

- He's incredibly shy and insecure,

and he's not exactly graceful.

- Well, Maggie isn't exactly
miss outgoing personality.

You know, she's worse than Carl.

Maybe they will be perfect for each other.

- Maybe.

- [David] How much further to her house?

- It's not far.

- You think Maggie'll still want to go?

- Why not?

- She usually freaks out in public.

A party like this might scare her off.

- Will you give her some
credit? She's changed.

You know, I've talked to her,

and she agrees that she
needs a change in style,

and some confidence.

You know, we went out, we bought
her this great dress today.

She's gonna look really hot.

She's really, really lovely.

(Rock music)

(Whimpering)

R late at night when I am sleeping I

r I see your face in a million ways:

R and when I wake and out of dreaming I

r I break a sweat and
my heart is beating r

r I know it's not just an illusion r

r it's a part of reality I

r I hear these hearts
they keep on saying I

I do they say what I
really mean and I know I

I what I know I

r you're the girl for me I

r I'm on the street and I am driving r

r I see you half a block away I

r I lose control of what I'm thinking r

r I break a sweat and I
give these words away I

I that I know r

(Laughing)

- Look Maggie, I really don't think

these eyelashes are necessary.

A little too daring, huh?

- Daring, right right.

What kind of party is this?

- It's a birthday party for
Rocco, a friend of ours.

- Where is it gonna be?

- Well we're gonna go to Rocco's house.

And then we're gonna go to
a restaurant for dinner.

- Are there gonna be
a lot of people there?

- Not really, there's
gonna be two other couples,

David and I, and you and your date.

- Are you sure this guy, Chris-

- Carl.

- Right, Carl,

wants to do this?

I mean meet me?

- Ch, of course he does.

He's really looking forward
to seeing you, right David?

- Right right, he's looking
forward to meeting you, Maggie.

(Classical piano music)

(Retching)

- Carl, are you all right?

- [Carl] I'm fine morn,
please just go away.

Dear, is there anything I can do?

- [Carl] No.

- Oh Harold, could you
help me for a moment?

Carl's very upset.

He's locked himself in the
bathroom, say something to him.

- Stand up like a man, ya jerk.

- Harold, don't walk away from him.

He's your son, help him.

Say something to him.

- You're gonna try another date, huh?

Give it up.

- Harold, that's not very nice.

Can't you see how nervous he is?

He needs you.

- He don't need nothing.

He needs a lobotomy.

- Oh Harold, stop it.

You ought to give him
encouragement, confidence, advice.

You never explained to him
about the birds and the bees.

What for?

Why don't he pick it up the way I did,

from the neighborhood slut?

- Harold!

- Nevermind, nevermind.

Listen, I'll tell you
what used to work for me

when I was a kid.

When you pick up this broad,

before you even say hello,

stick out your tongue,

and you put it right in
her ear as far as it'll go.

- Harold!

- Your sister Rosie used to love it.

(Funky music)

- What's with all this dumb party stuff?

What are you complaining about, Rocco?

It's for you, it's for your birthday.

- I don't know why you're making

such a big deal about my birthday.

I'd rather be at the hockey game

than be at a stupid party
and what's this stupid fish?

You eat fish.

This stupid chips and stupid party hats.

What am I a pirate?

And I hate stupid balloons.

- What did you do that for?

- Because it was a dumb balloon.

It wasn't just a stupid balloon.

It was one of your birthday balloons

I spent a very long time blowing up.

- It's not my fault you
want to waste your time

blowing up balloons.

Maybe you're right.

Maybe I could waste my time
by putting on this party,

look who I did it for,

a crazy, ungrateful, mean, stupid, slob.

- You've gone crazy.

- Maybe I made a mistake
even, even living with you.

Maybe I made a mistake
even falling in love

with a jerk like you.

- Well then leave.

- Hah, I'm going.

- I heard that before.

- Not around here anymore.

- Alice, what about this?

- You son of a bitch.

Honey, Rocco honey.

Are you all right?

Oh, does it hurt?

You've been hitting
me a lot harder lately.

You been working out?

- A little.

- Baby, don't leave me.

- Must be everybody arriving.

- Don't answer it.

- Got to.

I told you not to pop those.

(People talking)

- [Man] Hey, I heard you
give great hand jobs.

Hey, you know I've got
this hangnail (indistinct).

- So I told my boss,

there is no way I'm
going out with him again,

unless he gives me a raise.

I mean, I have my pride, you know.

- Pride, right?

- You're going out with your boss?

- Sure,

takes me out to fancy
restaurants and parties.

- Wait, wait, wait,
what about Rocco, here?

- My boss doesn't invite him.

- I mean doesn't Rocco know about this?

- Sure, I tell him everything,
and he doesn't mind.

Not unless I forget to bring him home

a doggy bag from the restaurant.

- Oh, well that makes sense.

- Smart-ass.

- Just kidding.

(Laughing)

So how are you doing?

- Nervous, I guess.

- Why?

- What if he doesn't like me?

I mean, what if he
thinks I'm a geek, Diane?

- Maggie, quit being so
hard on yourself, okay?

First of all, you're not a geek,

and I do believe any guy would
be lucky to be seen with you,

- yeah, that's what you think.

Remember back in high school,

they all used to pick on me.

Boys used to harass me in the hallways.

- Well, that was different.

Kids were really stupid back then.

And do you remember what I told you?

It's always how you
feel inside that counts.

- I feel lousy.

Well, snap out of it, man.

Why don't you try this
and it'll calm you down?

- You know what?

You've been there for me.

Ever since the third grade

you've helped make my
life not so hard for me.

In fact, you're the closest
thing to a friend I've ever had,

thanks.

Well, come on, drink
up, tonight is your night.

(Coughing)

- I'm gonna look bad.

- You're a wild woman.

You think so?

- I know so.

- You know,

I feel kinda-

- what, crazy?

Sexy? Dynamic?

In charge?

No, sick.

Hey hey, lover boy's here,

hey Rocco, did you have
another fight with Alice?

- You know how true love is.

Come on, your hot date is here.

Come on, come on.

Don't worry, this one
is definitely your type.

Hey, glad you arrived, Carl.

We were beginning to
think you chickened out,

- no, I was delayed in traffic.

- I'll bet he was throwing up again.

Huh, Carl?

- Give him a break, will you Rocco?

- Carl's here.

No no no, turn around.

Yes, there's nothing to be afraid of.

Carl, I'd like you to meet Maggie.

- The electricity is blinding.

What are you throwing cookies at me for?

- He's pleased to meet you, Maggie.

- David, don't we have to do that thing?

- Thing? Oh yeah the thing, right.

- [Diane] So you two can
get to know each other.

(Clearing throat)

- So, where are Teddy and Freda?

The original nice couple of the year.

If they were any nicer, I'd throw up.

- They called and said they'd
meet us at the restaurant.

They had a Bible meeting or something.

- People still read the Bible?

- So, how's the new
couple doing out there?

- Now, I'm not sure.

I don't give 'em much hope either.

You know the combination of
those two negative personalities

just might create a
black hole and everyone,

everyone was sucked into
the void they create.

Here's to (indistinct).

- All right fucker, I know I
didn't kill you that easily.

(Wind blowing)

It's you, bitch.

That's fighting dirty.

Okay, toots.

You know, we've been going at
this for hundreds of years.

We're not getting any younger, honey.

Why don't you just give up?

I've got to get into a
different line of work.

(Rock music)

- You better hurry up and do something

before your last chance
to get laid is finished.

- Like what?

- Anything.

No matter what, she'll love it.

Trust me, I'm a bargain.

Oh,

I may throw up.

- Me first.

(Dramatic music)

- Sorry look, you haven't seen

a beam of light come through here.

Hey, you're all right, what's your name?

- Let's see you chase this,
mister hot shot devil chaser.

- [David] Hey, come on
you guys, let's get going,

we're gonna be late for our
reservations at the restaurant.

- I'll save you for last.

(Others talking)

- What?

- The door.

- Maggie? Where's Carl?

We have to get to the restaurant, now.

- I think he said something
about not feeling well

and having to go to the bathroom.

- Well, here we go again.

I'll go get him.

- No, no, don't worry.

I'll do it.

- We'll be in the car.

(Crickets chirping)

- Not bad, I can use a
little fixing up though.

(Thunder crashing)

That's a little better.

(Funky music)

Carl, come on out.

- I can t.

Look, Maggie I'm really sorry about

the tongue in the ear thing.

It was stupid for me to do that.

- Don't worry about the
tongue in the ear thing.

It wasn't that bad.

- Really?

You mean you liked it?

- I didn't say that.

Look, just open the door, okay?

- No, go ahead and go
to the party yourself.

I'll stay in here.

- For how long?

- Till I die.

- 0h.

- Oh my god.

What happened?

- Carl, it's been a long time

since I've been out on the town,

and I'm about ready to raise some hell.

How about you?

- Sure, why not?

- Don't get too excited
about this, all right?

Look, I'm gonna show you
the time of your life.

(Thudding) (Carl yelling)

Maybe later, come on.

- Whoa ho, look at Maggie.

Get in the car, Carl.

Get in the car.

Hi, let me drive.

It's been quite a while

since I've been behind the wheel of a car.

- Why not?

Maggie, what happened to you?

- What happened to you?

(Rock music)

(Lyrics muffled)

- Maggie, don't you think you're
driving a little too fast?

- Anybody got a cigarette?

Maggie, what are you doing?

We almost crashed.

- I'm sorry, I'm just
a little rusty at this.

- What was the last time you drove?

- I think it was about 50 years ago,

(rock music)

- Why are you carrying
this weapon, sister Franks?

- Protection, mother superior.

- Protection against what?

- Violence.

This neighborhood is terrible.

We've all been attacked already.

I've been mugged twice this week alone.

And this morning the others
were jumped, in church.

Tell her, sister beans.

- We're very afraid, mother superior.

The devil seems to be
everywhere these days.

- Why just the other day. I
was strolling through the park,

and a five-year-old tripped me

and ran off with my rosary.

- I understand your fear,
sisters Franks and beans,

but fighting fire with
fire is not our way.

The lord gave us prayer

as protection against evil, not guns.

Come on, we're nuns, sisters.

Mother superior, of course we pray,

but they still beat the holy-

- enough of that,

now are any of you other
nuns carrying weapons?

(Car rewing)

- Fuck you, man!

(Laughing)

- Give them to me, now.

- Oh look.

Time to go get some penguins.

- Maggie, watch it!

Get on the road.

- Ican't, I'm (indistinct).

- Maggiel

- Damn you.

(Guns firing)

(Explosion)

(Screaming)

- Maggie, go around the corner.

Go around the corner, Maggie.

(Tires squealing)

- Ow wow look, there's the restaurant.

We're here.

You know Dave,

I really think you should get
the steering checked, okay?

I'm hungry, let's go.

- Thank you, guys.

She's really special.

- Maybe she was drinking
before we picked her up.

- Your table's ready.

- Excuse me, miss.

- You're excused.

- Where are you going?

- Where do you think? To eat.

- Do you have a reservation?

- Of course we have reservations.

- Under what name?

- What name would you like?

- Look, we're booked for the evening.

Unless you have a reservation,
I won't be able to seat you.

- I believe we have reservations
under the name of Peterson.

- Okay, that'll be a 45-minute wait.

- 45 minutes, we have
reservations at eight o'clock.

- I'm sorry.

We're all booked for the evening.

Until a table clears I
won't be able to seat you.

- Where's Maggie?

(Comedic music)

(Yelling)

- Hey, this table'll be fine, all right?

- Good evening.

Would anybody like a drink
before you have dinner?

- Yeah, how about a-

how about three more
bottles of your best red wine?

This one's almost gone.

- Maggie, I don't like red wine.

- Who said anything about you?

I ordered it for myself.

- Maggie, when did you start drinking?

- Look, just bring one bottle
of everything, all right,

and we'll sort it out later.

- Certainly, would that be all?

- Yes.

- Yeah? Right back at you pal.

[Woman] Honestly, how rude.

- Eat your food before I make you eat it.

- [Diane] Teddy, Freda.

- Hi everyone.
- Hi,

- hi.

- It's about time you got here.

Have you both met Maggie?

- No, we haven't.

- Hi, I'm Freda.

- And I'm Teddy.

- And I'm Satan.

(Laughing)

- Isn't she funny?

I mean, isn't she a scream?

- Well if you think that's a scream,

you ought to see her drive.

- How have you both been?

0h great.

We just got back from a
fantastic two week Bible camp.

- We had fellowship with so
many wonderful believers.

The word of the lord was loud.

- Boring.

God, that guy never has
any style, any energy.

I said, Jesus, liven up your act.

Add some personality, some excitement.

If you want to reach people,

you've got to have pizzazz, right?

He'd looked back at me with those

cute little sad eyes of his,

and he'd say, the meek
shall inherit the earth.

Can you believe that nonsense?

I told him, I told him yeah,

you make people inherit everything,

only when we're through with it.

(Laughing)

Oh, wait a minute.

This wine seems kind of dry.

It's not his blood is it?

(Laughing)

- I doubt the lord would
find those comments amusing.

- Of course he wouldn't.

That's the problem with him

and that, that, that fan club he started.

What's it called, christianity?

Yeah christianity, no sense of humor.

Where the hell is that waiter?

Maybe they've got some Tequila back there.

You know what babe? You're all right.

- She's not drunk, she's out of her mind.

Pass the butter.

- I didn't know she was like thi

- me neither, I'm so sorry.

- I like her.

I do.

(Crashing)

- [Man] Get out of my kitchen right now.

- [Maggie] Hey, no problem you pud.

- [Man] Bitch.

- Time is wasted around
here, I swear to god.

They don't serve Tequila here.

Come on Carl, let's blow this dump.

Bye.

All right, Carl!

(Crashing)

It's been a long time since
I've been out in public.

- Me, too.

- [Man] Bernadette, I love
you, will you marry me?

- Yeah Max. You bastard!

(Grunting)

- There are so many souls to choose from,

so many different ways to
make a life more exciting.

Hi baby.

(Screaming)

Do you ever walk down an alley, Carl?

- Well, not exactly.

- Don't be scared.

Nothing's gonna jump out at you.

Besides, I'm here with you.

- I guess you're right.

(Rock music)

- Hey, where you going, sweetheart?

- Kick his ass, Carl.

- Yeah Carl, why don't you kick my ass?

(Rock music)

- Why don't you just kill me quick, okay?

Just get it over with.

- Why do you want us to do that?

- To end my suffering.

So I don't have to look at
assholes like you, anymore.

- All right dork, you're dead.

- Please forgive me.

You're not an asshole.

And look, I'm not worth beating.

So why don't you go back
home to diddle yourself,

with your daddy's porno magazines?

Oh, I know herschel.

You know, the secret ones in the basement.

- Who are you?

- I'm your nightmare.

Oh, forgive me.

Forgive me.

[Guys] Get him, get him.

Get him, herschel.

Come on, kick his ass.

Oh, I'm not well.

All right, Carl.

That wasn't me, Maggie.

Done yet?

- All right, dork.

- Kneel before me.

Let it go.

(Rock music)

Such fun.

Who's next?

Come on! (Making chicken noises)

Who's next?

Did I miss anyone?

(Laughing)

- My hero.

- Come on baby, let's go.

(Groaning)

- Does it hurt?

Let's go catch a cab.

I'll make it feel better later.

(Maggie laughing)

- Yeah Rocco, have a
beer, that always helps.

- I guess Maggie and Carl aren't here yet.

- [Maggie] Oh come on, Carl.

Let me just take a little peek at it.

- Guess again, sweetheart.

- [Carl] Oh, Maggie!

- Carl, isn't this what all guys want?

Yes, I I guess,

but shouldn't we get to
know one another first?

- What's to know?

- Okay.

Like, where are you from, Maggie?

(Laughing)

- They sure are taking a long time.

- [Carl] Whew Maggie!

- Yeah, Carl!

- Maggie didn't seem like the
type that would do it so soon.

- She isn't.

- She does now.

- David, don't you think that Maggie's

acting a little strange?

- Strange?

She tries to run down
a group of random nuns,

and now she's somewhere
off boffing a nerd.

No, not strange at all.

- Are you enjoying this, Carl?

- Wow, I never knew it was.

Yes, Maggie.

- Don't think this is a free ride.

I want something in return.

- What?

- Your soul.

- 0h Maggie.

0h Maggie.

(Rock music)

(Thunder crashing)

I when she finds the Mark
then she gets off her feet I

- man, she must be sucking
the life out of him.

- Rocco!

I need to talk to Maggie.

- Now's not the time, babe.

(Maggie whooping)

What's going on?

- Well, when I wanted to dance with him

there wasn't much left.

- I'll go check on him.

- No, no, no, no.

He wasn't exactly full
of life when I left him.

- Maggie, are you all right?

Maybe we should just leave.

- Why? The fun's just starting.

Can you hand me that wine please?

(Rock music)

- Hey, isn't there
something else we should do?

- Why are you guys all looking at me?

Hey, I'm just trying
to liven up the party.

- She shouldn't have done that.

- Why? He didn't mind.

Did you Teddy?

- Fuck no.

- [Freda] Teddy!

(Clearing throat)

What a pretty cake.

R happy birthday to you r

(loud rock music)

- Sorry, sorry.

I mean, it's just, I like that song.

- Make a wish, honey.

(Cheering)

- I heard that.

Rocco, you really want to do that to me?

- This is gonna be a great party.

- 0h.

What a nice sweater.

Thanks Alice.

- Who brought this?

- I did.

It's Rocco's present.

- Present.

Oh shit.

I forgot to bring the
birthday boy a present.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute, I've got the perfect one.

I'm gonna make your dreams come true.

(Rock music)

Come on Rocco, time to open up my present.

(Quaking)

- Alice, oh my god.

Everything's gonna be okay.

Look, Maggie's just had too much to drink.

Maybe we'll take her home.

- She's up there right now with Rocco.

- I know, but you got to understand.

She has a really big
problem with being shy.

I think she's trying too much to change.

I doubt she'll do anything with him.

- I saw them, he just
went in there with her.

- I think you should trust him more.

- [Rocco] Yeah, yeah baby, yeah!

- I hate him.

I hate him!

- Happy birthday, big boy.

- Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, speak to me.

- Here, you'd better drink this.

- No, thanks.

That's devil's nectar.

- Damn, all this time I
thought it was Tequila.

- Snuggems?

Snuggems, can you hear me?

Give me a sign.

That's a girl, that's good.

(Coughing)

- I think I'll go get Maggie.

Not if I get that bitch first.

- Where are you going?

- I'm gonna go get Maggie.

- Look, it may seem
impossible, but I got a feeling

things are getting a
lot worse around here.

Let's get going while the going's good.

- Wait a minute, you
guys aren't leaving yet.

- Look Maggie, I think
you've had too much to drink.

Why don't we just go?

- David,

let's go somewhere where
I can show you things

you've never even dreamt about.

- I make it a rule never
to stick my tongue anywhere

Carl's has been.

- You just made a really big mistake.

(Growling)

- You bitch.

- Come on, let's get out of here.

- She is out of her mind.

Come on, let's go.

- They just don't know how to party.

(Tense instrumental music)

It's the fifth fucking sweater.

- This is so unreal.

- You're telling me.

You all right?

Yeah, I think so.

What about you?

- Yeah, I'm okay.

- This reminds me of the time

when I was still lived with my father,

and he caught us in
bed together, remember?

- Remember?

- How could I ever forget,
running around your house naked,

looking for a place to hide.

I think I finally jumped
out of your window,

wearing your dress.

- Wait a minute, you never returned that.

- It looks so good on me.

- Stopping being silly.

I'm really scared, what should we do?

- First off,

we don't invite Maggie
along with us anymore.

- I can't believe that all she
did was touch your pee pee,

and you turn into this.

I mean, what's the big deal?

You act as if you've never even

had your pee pee touched before.

Okay, maybe I never did,

but that's because I
wanted to save something

for our wedding night.

Teddy, that's nasty.

Will it get you out from
underneath her spell?

Darn it!

It's bad girls like Maggie
that make decent girls like me

do this sort of thing.

I can't,

it's so ugly.

All right.

But just don't think of
me as some kind of tramp.

- Tequila.

(Rock guitar music)

(Radio static)

Well, I suppose I should go hunt them down

one by one and kill them.

God, this is getting so boring.

I wish I could think
of something different.

Sometimes I wish I had picked
a different line of work.

Wonder how chaser is?

Yoohoo, people, it's me.

I'm coming to get you, so
get really, really scared.

- Oh no, Teddy, what are we gonna do?

So you still want that tramp

after all that I just did for you?

Fine, you can have her, you creep.

Just wait till I tell your mother.

- Teddy, you're late.

- It's time to go.

- Wait, I don't think so.

- Why?

- Because maybe she'll just leave.

- Oh yeah, be real.

Quiet.

(Tense instrumental music)

- They are so predictable.

Don't do that.

- What happened?

- It's not too safe out there.

- Okay, try the window.

- Yeah.

- You are such a tramp.

Who needs a boyfriend anyway?

Boyfriend.

Hello lover.

How you doing?

- Is that you baby?

Oh yeah, yep.

That's you, I'd know that kick anywhere.

- Get up.

- Nice body.

You haven't had a set like
that since we first met.

- Oh, so you do remember those days?

- Of course I do, those
are special memories.

If I had a wallet I'd keep pictures.

- Oh, there you go with
your bullshit again.

- It isn't bullshit.

You know how I love-

(grunting)

- I'll be right back, baby.

I'll be waiting for you here, sweetie.

What a bitch.

(Mumbling)

[Maggie] Going somewhere?

Please.

Adios.

- Hey baby.

I really got to learn
to treat women better.

- David, are you all right?

- Hey, who's he?

- He's my boyfriend.

- Boyfriend?

Damn.

Is he gonna be okay?

- I think so.

Is she dead?

- Na, I think she fell on her head.

- Thanks for saving my life.

- Forget it, look, are you guys serious?

I mean, do you live together?

- What are you talking about?

- Never mind.

I guess I've just been on my own too long.

Hand me that.

The vase?

Why?

- It's a surprise, just hand it to me.

- I'm gonna fuck you up.

Aww.

(Crickets chirping)

- God, I wish I could remember
how these things worked.

- Do you know what's going on here?

I'm about to go crazy.

- Go ahead, go crazy, it helps me.

- Who are you?

- Fine thanks, who are you?

- No I mean, do you have a name?

Where do you come from?

- They call me chaser,
and I'm from purgatory.

- Purgatory?

- Now, let me ask you
a couple of questions.

What's your name?

And have you ever cheated
on your boyfriend?

- My name is Diane,

and no, I've never
cheated on my boyfriend.

- Would you consider it?

- Look, I am in no mood
for this crap, okay?

- Relax.

- What do you mean, relax?

My girlfriend runs down nuns.

She seduces a nerd in the bathroom.

You know what?

Beams of light come out her hands.

I've even seen her kill a friend of mine

in front of me.

You know, she made a pass on David.

She's turned into a real bitch,
and to make matters worse,

he's over there knocked
out and I'm stuck in a room

with a stupid, filthy,
overgrown, sex-mad jerk.

I have a perfect reason to be upset.

So I'm warning you,
don't tell me to relax.

- Relax.

What the fuck?

What'd you do that for? That hurt.

- You pissed me off.

- Pissed you off?

- That's no reason to clobber somebody.

Who do you think you are, her?

- You're right, I'm sorry.

You okay?

- I don't know, it hurts pretty bad.

- If you weren't such a jerk,

this wouldn't've had to happen.

- I know, I get carried away sometimes.

Does this feel good?

-Idon t know.

Does this?

(Yelling)

(Funky music)

You want to take a break for a while?

- Well, can you just tell
me what's going on with her,

with you, with everything tonight?

- That woman is someone I've
been chasing for a while.

- Maggie?

Why, I've known her since third grade.

- No, it's not Maggie I'm after.

It's what's in de her.

- Inside her?

- Right, inside her.

Although I'm beginning
to like the outside.

She has a very nice set of.

- What's inside her?

- You're gonna think I'm crazy.

- I already do.

- [Chaser] Well, your
friend, what's her name?

- Maggie.

- Right, your friend Maggie

has been possessed by the devil.

- The devil?

That's impossible.

Maggie, she's she's still a virgin.

- Really, does she have a boyfriend?

- Why do you say she's been possessed?

Because I think I know a
little about these things.

- Why?

- Because.

[Diane] Because why?

Because it's my job, that's why.

- Why is it your job?

Because why?

- 'Cause, “cause I'm not tall enough

to play for the celtics.

- Or smart enough to count to 10.

- A lot you know.

One, two, give me a second here.

- Look asshole, I want some answers, now!

Relax, I mean, settle down.

Listen, I'm a devil chaser,

and I've been chasing the devil for,

a long time now.

The devil can jump inside anything.

Cars, trees, bushes, monkeys, Republicans,

even virgin bombshells named Maggie.

- That's incredible.

- I know.

- I didn't even think the devil existed.

- Neither did I til I got this job.

- Okay, chaser.

What do we do about my
friend and your devil,

can we save Maggie?

- I think so, with this.

With this, it's my transporter.

It locks in on the devil's energy

and follows it through
time, space, and dimensions.

I've been tweaking with it,

working on a method to flush
the devil out of host bodies.

- But does it work?

- I don't know yet, but it's
your friend's only chance.

- What do you mean by only chance?

- I mean, that the devil can only stay

in a host body for 24 hours,

so she uses up all the life in it,

then discards it like an old suit.

- Maggie.

Who knows what the devil's

put your friend's body through already.

I remember this one girl,
she took over her body,

and used it to make love
to the entire Roman army.

- My god.

Luckily, after it was all over,

she didn't remember what happened.

Oh, well that's good.

- Yeah, however she
knew something was wrong

when she found it difficult
to walk for about a month.

And, she was elected queen by a landslide.

I told her, I said, look
Cleopatra, just stay off.

- Cut the crap.

Is that a beer drinking?

Look, we don't have that much time.

We have to get Maggie.

- All right.

I'll be up for it, 'cause that
devil can be a real bitch.

- So can I.

- I can tell.

- What about David?

- Leave him, he'll be okay.

- Are you sure?

- No.

- I'll put him in the closet.

(Eerie music)

- What are you doing?

- What do you mean, what am I doing?

I'm searching for Maggie.

- Leave this to the professionals.

We like it dangerous.

(Screaming)

Freda, stop it, it's okay.

- You're out of here.

- Wait, don't shoot.

- She just beat the shit out of me.

- It's all right, she's a friend of mine.

- Oh, well now that makes sense.

Now the two of you can
take turns hitting me.

- Are you okay?

- Teddy, that bitch got Teddy.

- Who's Teddy?

- It's her boyfriend.

- Another boyfriend.

- Where'd she take him?

- I don't know, she just took him.

- Well, don't worry,
we'll get him back, okay?

Uh uh, that tramp can have him.

- That tramp is the devil.

- You're telling me.

She walks around like she
can have any guy she wants.

No, no, the devil,
Maggie's been possessed.

- Are you serious?

- Yeah, that's why he's around.

- Well, you're kind of cute.

Who are you?

- Freda, forget it, he's a jerk.

- They call me chaser.

- I call him asshole.

- Oh, so you're after the devil?

- Yeah.

- Well, where's your Bible?

- Left it at home.

The devil never learned how to read.

Look, what do you say
after this is all over,

we get together and bump uglies?

- You're right, he is an asshole.

- Unfortunately, he's our only
hope of getting out of here

and returning Maggie back to normal.

- Well, what are we gonna do?

- Move on.

Follow me ladies.

- I'm gonna be in the closet.

(Funky music)

Are you okay?

(Slugging)

(Grunting)

(Tense music)

- Wait. (Gun firing)

- What?

I have to go to the bathroom.

- Leave it to a woman to be
in the middle of a devil hunt,

and have to take a leak.

Can it wait?

We're in the middle of a life
and death situation here.

- I can't wait, I'm sorry.

It's just that, you know,
I have a bladder problem.

- I know, I, one time when we were-

- all right, all right,
spare me the details.

Where's the bathroom?

- It's upstairs.

You know, you really should
have taken care of this

before we started.

Let's go, come on.

- How was I to know the
devil would show up?

- Come on.

Let's hurry.

- Wait a minute, where are you going?

- Don't you want protection?

- From the devil or from you?

Fine but if something gets
you I'm gonna laugh my ass off.

- You're the devil chaser, right?

You know, I can't believe

you were gonna go in there with her.

- I was just going to protect her.

- Right.

- You know, I think you have
the wrong impression of me.

- No, I think I have the right one.

You're loud, conceited, sexist,

macho-headed, clumsy and selfish.

- I am not selfish.

- Oh no.

(Screaming)

- She hasn't lost her touch.

- Is that Teddy?

- Probably, at least what's left of him.

- Oh my god, what happened to those guys?

- She sucked their souls.

- You're kidding.

- Look at 'em.

Do you think they got this
way from just a blow job?

- 0h Teddy.

- [Chaser] He can still be saved.

- What?

- The devil has the
power to take their souls

and give them back.

- Okay, well how do we make her do that?

- Hell if I know.

- Well thanks, you're a big help here.

Oh my god, David.

That's great.

- David's gone.

Maggie must have him.

- So, what do you want me to do about it?

You said you were the expert here.

No, I said it was my job.

I never said I knew what I was doing.

Look, don't worry, I'll
think of something.

Let's go.

- Wait.

What about Freda?

- Oh yeah.

(Crickets chirping)

- I mean, can the devil bring 'em back?

Yeah, I think so.

- Yeah, but what if! Don't want to?

- Don't do that.

- How you feeling, ex-lover of mine?

- Wait a second here, what
does she mean by ex-lover?

Didn't you know?

I was his girlfriend.

(Thunder crashing)

- You never told me that.

- I didn't think it was important.

- 0h, having a devil for a
girlfriend is not important?

- Oh, still pissing the
women off, huh chase?

- Now don't you start in on me, too.

- Where's David?

- What's it to you?

He's with me now.

Let me tell you something.

I make him feel a lot
better than you ever did.

- I'm gonna kick your fucking ass, bitch.

- Wait wait,

you don't want to piss her off, you don't.

- Come on chicken, right now, come on.

- You're a slut, man.

- Excuse me.

- What?

See, now that's the power of the Bible.

- No, you shouldn't have done that.

- Shit!

- Oh no.

- What are you looking at?

- He's right, you
shouldn't have done that.

(Laughing)

- What did you do with her?

Well, I sent her on a swim.

(Freda screaming)

Got an even better plan for you two.

- You're dead, now.

- Wait a minute, wait a minute,

I got her, I got her.

- Come on, come on, go ahead.

(Muffled shouting)

- Shit!

- What happened?

- You fucked up, that's what happened?

- Where are we?

Another planet, another
dimension, another time.

You smashed my transporter,
it activated, now we're here!

- Well, don't get upset,
just reactivate it.

- I can't because you broke it.

- Really?

- Really.

If I reactivate it now, who
knows where we'll end up?

- I'm sorry.

- Well now that does me a lot of good.

(Thunder rumbling)

- Well, we have to get back

before the devil destroys Maggie's body.

Why do you keep asking me that?

Don't you think that's a lot of pressure

to put on one person?

How would you like it if! Asked you,

what do we do, all the time?

In fact, let me ask
you now, what do we do?

'Cause I don't have a clue.

(Wind blowing)

Look, I'm sorry.

Hasn't exactly been a great day for me.

You know, sometimes I wish I
was in another line of work.

- How'd you get this job.

- When I died.

No big deal, anybody can die.

So there I was, dead, in purgatory,

wondering if I was
going to heaven or hell,

or even if there was such a place.

So there I was in front of god.

[Diane] You met god?

- [Chaser] Yeah, he's a
lot shorter in person.

Anyway, the guy starts telling me

all the bad stuff I'd
done while I was alive.

He's incredible.

The guy knew every everything.

[Diane] Everything?

- [Chaser] Everything.

What pissed me off was that
he knew only the bad stuff.

I mean, what business
was it of his anyway?

And I told him, so.

- What did he say?

- He told me to go to hell.

- No.

- He was just kidding.

He likes pulling that joke on people.

I didn't think it was
funny, but! Laughed anyway.

I mean, what am I gonna do?

Tell him he's not a
comedian, he's a schmuck?

He's god for god's sakes.

He'd turn me into a turd if
I caught him on a bad day.

Anyway, he did know that I'd done

some good things when I was alive, so we-

- like what?

- Like a lot of things.

Let me tell you,

I wasn't too bad as a
living person on earth.

- What did you do to make him forgive you?

- I invented something.

- What?

Tell me.

- I invented the condom.

- Oh, that was you?

- Yeah.

- Oh my god, I'm impressed.

- Really?

- Of course.

- You want to fool around.

- I'm not that impressed.

- Damn it.

(Dissonant piano music)

You want some?

- So why are you chasing the devil?

Well, it seems that god has this program

for borderline cases like this,

a sort of a quest or something
to prove your worthiness

to get into heaven.

So how do you prove your worthiness?

- Destroy the devil.

- [Diane] It's impossible.

- I know.

Just think, wouldn't have to
go through any of this shit

if I didn't drink and chase
women so much when I was alive.

- I'm sure you did a lot of that.

- What else was there to do?

- So tell me about you and the devil.

- What about us?

- Well how'd you get involved?

You know, what went on between you two?

- By accident, really.

You see it was back when I was
first sent down to find him.

Naturally, the first stop on my list

was my favorite bar for a beer and a shot.

Walked into the joint,
felt like coming home.

(Jazz piano music)

So I knocked back a couple of pops,

get a little system going,
a little confidence,

trying to take my mind off
how I'm gonna find this devil.

Then I saw the most
beautiful girl in the joint.

She starts coming on to me.

I figure what the hell.

Why not go check it out?

Give her a break, right?

Sit down next to her.

She's all over me like a cheap suit.

Hey doll.

Yeah.

So I do what I always do, I
blew some smoke in her ear.

She of course loved it.

Then she did something
that kind of pissed me off.

She took a drink off
my beer, my last beer.

And I figured, hey, gets me
home, who's complaining, right?

So we wound up back at her place.

Pretty soon, we're seeing
each other regularly.

That was when the devil could
stay around in bodies longer,

those were the days I tell you.

Had a lot of fun in that bed.

Probably would've had a lot more fun

if I hadn't kept cramping up.

So anyway, one day I get a
message from god's assistant,

telling me that I gotta
contact him right away.

So I leave one morning
without saying anything.

I figured we had our fun.

It was as good a time
as any at this point.

So I did what I usually do.

I left her a note and then took off.

(Jazz piano music)

Hey, I'm not completely heartless though.

I left her with a kiss, and a tip.

So I get to heaven,

he tells me I've been screwing the devil.

I couldn't believe it.

But that son of a bitch
had those polaroids again.

(Eerie music)

Can you believe that?

- Well didn't you suspect something?

- Whenever we had sex, she
would have these glowing eyes

and horns sticking out of her head.

- That should have told
you something right there.

I just thought she liked
dressing up during sex.

Anyway, I went back to kill her.

- You were gonna kill somebody
you were sleeping with?

- It's the devil.

It's easy.

- I guess you're right.

So what happened when you got back?

- Well,

apparently no one had ever
just left her like that before.

Usually they're the
ones that fall in love,

and then she takes their soul.

But as it always happens,

when you treat a so-called
tough woman like shit,

she fell in love with me.

- The devil fell in love with you?

That's crazy.

- I know, but she did.

And since I wanted to
kill her, she felt hurt,

and we've had this
running battle ever since.

- Why is it I don't want to believe you?

This sounds like bullshit.

- Hey, hey hey hey hey hey,

leave it to a woman to call it bullshit

when she finally hears some truth.

You know, I'd rather take
my chances with this thing

and wind up in another galaxy

than stay here with you for eternity.

- You're gonna use that thing?

I thought it was broken.

- It is, got any better ideas?

- No I don't, but let's get back

before the devil kills Maggie.

- Okay, here goes.

(Drumming)

- Hey?

What are you looking at?

(Laughing)

(Flies buzzing)

(Surf pounding)

- That's real great transporter.

- It was until you broke it.

- Blame it all on me.

You gonna admit you don't even
know how to work that thing?

I can't believe we're sitting
here when Maggie's in danger.

I can't believe that
you're just fooling around.

- I suppose you can do better?

- I can't do any worse.

- Okay, here you go.

- Chaser?

- Diane?

Diane?

She's probably with that
blond guy from animal house.

She's probably more
interested in her boyfriend.

What's happened to me?

Why can't I just find someone
that is interested in just me?

Fucking sex.

(Mumbling)

You're all right.

- So are you.

- How come you're not wet?

- Dead men don't stay wet.

- Wait, you got to get out of here.

- Why?

- Because I'm changing, that's why.

- Baby, it's cold outside.

- Get out.

- What, are you fooling
around with her too, now?

- Ow.

- Are you okay?

- I broke my nail.

- Give me the goddamn transporter.

I told you to stay out until I was done.

- Give me the goddamn
transporter, ow ow ow.

- You are making me mad, lover boy.

- I was beginning to like you.

Look bitch, just give me
the goddamn transporter.

Women!

- Great hiding place, moron.

- Hey baby.

- Cut the bullshit, asshole.

- All right.

It's just you and me.

- So it should be.

- Let's have it out, but not here.

- [Maggie] Why not?

- Because I don't want these people hurt.

- Since when do you
care about other people?

-Idon t know.

Look, let's make a deal.

You give the lives and
souls back to these people

and I'll go back with you.

- [Maggie] Cut the crap.

I'm gonna destroy you.

I know what you're trying to
do and it's not gonna work.

- Go ahead, kill me.

But first,

let me kiss you one more time.

Well, do what you must.

I just want you to know that
if things were different,

if you weren't the
devil and I wasn't dead,

wow, who knows?

Maybe we could have worked it out.

- You broke my heart.

- I know I did and I'm sorry.

Let me make it up to you.

- How?

- Why don't we go away for the weekend?

We'll have one last fling together.

After we get back,

you'd go ahead and kill me
and burn my soul for eternity.

How's that sound, huh?

- Can we go to Disneyland?

- Of course we can, babe.

- I love you, chaser.

- I love you, too.

Before we go, you gotta
give those souls back.

- Oh, all right.

- Get off me.

- Are you ready now?

- Not quite my sweet.

(Maggie muffled)

Adios, baby.

- Wait, I thought you loved me?

Oh, I do.

- You're hurting me again.

- Better you than me.

You're the devil, what should I do?

(Gasping)

- What are you looking at?

- Hey.

- What'd you do that for?

- You lied to that poor girl.

Then you used her, and then
you threw her out on her ear.

You know, you're such a pig, I can't.

- She was the devil.

You know, I know you women
always take the side against men,

but this is fucking nuts.

Did you notice that I saved your friends?

- David.

- Hi.

- I'm getting the hell outta here.

- Give me just a second, okay?

- Look,

I'm sorry.

- Yeah, right.

- So where are you gonna go?

- I have to find the devil again.

- I thought I just saw you destroy her,

I thought you just won.

- Of course not.

I didn't use Max power with this thing.

If I destroy her, then
I'll have to go to heaven.

Somehow I don't think I'll fit.

- So why are you doing all the chasing?

- I'm beginning to like her.

Besides, it beats the
hell out of purgatory.

You know, I wish you would've
given me more credit.

I'm not that bad a guy.

- Thanks.

You're not that bad a guy.

(Rock music)

Adios, baby.

- Adios.

- I had a really great
time tonight, Maggie.

- Really?

- Mm-hmm.

And I was wondering if we
could get together again,

do this all over real soon?

- Do what again?

(Devil crying)

- [Chaser] Would you slow down a second?

: Here she comes, watch her yell:

R she's a rant—raving
hot-headed, jezebel r

r color your life, le miserable r

I but you love it when she
calls you names, I can tell I

r she suits you well:

R your girlfriend from hell I

(j'ooh la la la la la la la la)

R burn love, burn love, burn love r

r she treats you bad,
she's got a crooked smile r

I behind those angel eyes
lies a wicked child I

I don't take your friend's advice I

I you know you like a
woman with a heavy vice I

I this is more than just a fling I

I and boy you're playing
with a dangerous thing I

I she's got you under her spell I

I your girlfriend from hell I

I love burns, love burns, love burns I

I your girlfriend from hell I

iooh la la la la la la la lal

I girlfriend from hell I

I love burns, love burns, love burns I

I ooh la la la la la la la I

I she's got your heart I

I she's got your soul burn love I