Girl with the Sex-Ray Eyes (2007) - full transcript

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Are you sure you
brought enough?

It's all there.

So you get two treats today?

Lucky boy.

One for me, one
for my Uncle Sam.

Choose wisely.

What's in that case
holds great power.

I'm a company man I've
never been tempted to turn.

I too am always willing
to take one for the team.

You know, I've often
thought that you



and I could make a great team,
an international co-production.

I'm not sure my bosses
would go for that arrangement,

but it is nice to run into
you every now and again.

Yes, we do have nice run-ins.

I suggest you take some of
that money and get out of town.

Oh, I intend to.

Ciao, baby.

Bye.

[KNOCKS SOFTLY]

So, this is what
they look like.

Like something a
kid would wear, sir.

That's the beauty of
it, simplicity itself.

Who would ever suspect that
these would actually work?

And the degree
to which they work.



In the wrong hands, this
could have gone very badly.

No secret would be safe.

Well, thank God that
we found them in time.

If they're going to be used,
it's going to be for our side.

Amen, sir.

I trust you did
everything you had to,

to get this, no
serious injuries?

No, sir, a little drained,
but other than that, just fine.

All we have to do is get these
to the lab for final analysis

before we can begin
production on cloning them.

My travel papers
are in order, sir.

Good.

I await your final report.

Thank you, sir.

Oh!

Oh!

Oh, gosh.

I'm sorry.

I must not have seen you.

No, no, no.

It is my fault, here.

I'm Taffy.

Taffy.

Because I'm so sweet.

What's your name?

Can't tell you that, Miss.

You have business here?

Huh?

Bachelor party at 5:00 PM.

You might want to
check that address.

This is the federal building.

The federal building?

Yes, ma'am.

Not much chance of that
happening around here.

Oh, no.

Wrong address?

Wrong address, wrong
time, wrong town.

Sorry, Taffy.

Guess you missed your
appointment, huh?

Well, I guess
I'll just head home.

Better luck next time.

Wow, you're home early.

I screwed up.

Again?

I must be like
dyspeptic or something.

I can never seem to
get anything right.

Don't say that.

You do plenty right.

Let me help you with
some of these bags.

What's in this?

Why?

Too heavy?

No, too light.

Whoa.

These are yours?

You certainly aren't wearing
much for your shows these days.

Don't be silly.

Those aren't mine.

Well then whose are they?

Oh.

They must belong to
that nice man outside

of the federal building.

We ran into each other.

And, you don't think
our bags could've

gotten mixed up, do you?

Taffy.

I can see you naked.

Maybe later.

Right now, we need to figure
out who these belong to.

No, really.

These things really work.

What really work?

X-ray glasses, baby.

Check them out.

Whoa!

Ooh, kids would have
a blast with these.

Yeah.

Well, at least you
know what you're buying.

Yeah, I'd like a pound
of whatever you're selling.

I'd like a pound of Taffy.

Eddie, you always
know how to cheer me up.

But seriously, what
do we do with these?

Who cares?

Keep them for your next show.

That way, you'll
know how much dough

a guy's got in his pockets.

You're so smart.

Yeah.

Should I wear these?

No, I'll give you
something else to look at.

Yeah?

Oh, Eddie.

Let me look, let me look.

Come on.

[MOANING]

Oh, boy, don't need
x-ray glasses for that.

[MOANING]

So sweet, Taffy.

Where did we put those glasses?

This is not an option.

I paid a great deal of
money for those glasses

and I'm not in the mood to hear
that your operative is settled

elsewhere for a larger share.

This is not how
business is conducted.

You think I'm
making idle threats?

Wait and see.

Largo!

Mao Myx.

How may I endear myself to you?

My X-ray glasses
have been stolen

out from under our very noses.

I have a buyer for those glasses
who paid a great deal of money

in advance for their possession.

I must get those
glasses back and soon.

Where does the trail begin?

Start with Natasha Rubikoff.

She double crossed me and
sold them to another party.

She must be made to talk.

I need to know who
she sold them to.

You know what to do.

Of course.

Good, she's a prisoner
down in the dungeon.

How convenient.

You bet your ass it is.

Now go.

This is grave news indeed.

Indeed.

I cannot tell you how sorry
I am that this happened, sir.

The fate of democracy hangs in
the very balanced, Richardson.

Mr. Thompson, I
absolutely understand

the perilous position my
blunder has placed this country.

You have 48 hours
to set things right.

I understand, sir.

I'm on it.

Any leads?

A stripper named Taffy.

She does bachelor parties.

Well, at least that's
something to go on.

You have everything you need?

I have 50 $1 bills, sir.

That should be enough to
get any stripper talking.

Well, good luck, Godspeed.

Thank you, sir.

This is so cool.

Oh, I can see the prize in
the bottom of the cereal box.

Oh, I can see the
yolks in the eggs.

[SCREECH]

There's a mouse
behind the fridge.

OK, OK.

Don't worry.

I'll take care of that.

And who's phone number
is that in your pocket?

Huh?

Hey, we got to
figure out what we're

going to do with these things.

Well, we could try
to give them back.

They're probably real important.

Maybe, but not just yet.

Oh, I know.

We could seem them on eBay.

That's not bad.

But, if we take them to
Vegas, we'd be a shoo-in

at blackjack or poker.

We'd be rich!

Do we dare?

We dare.

Let's get packing.

Ah!

So, finally, they sent
the dreaded torturer Largo

to extract Mao Myx's revenge.

Don't be so hasty, Natasha.

I have no intention
of harming you.

By now Mao Myx is already on the
trail of her missing property

and I have a feeling her mission
will be a successful one.

Is that so?

Then why are you
not here to kill me?

I have outlived my usefulness.

Mao Myx has special
plans for you.

She intends to trade you for
something that she wants.

But in the meantime, tell
me the name of the operative

you sold the X-ray glasses to?

Why should you need
that information now?

Mao Myx likes to know
who her enemies are

and be thankful that
you're not one of them.

If I tell you, how do I know
that you will not kill me?

I would never kill
anything as lovely as you.

Allow me to show you.

[MOANING]

Hello?

Yes, do you do bachelor parties?

Excellent.

You have a lot of girls?

Good.

I'm looking for Taffy.

No, not that kind of taffy.

You have jaw breakers?

OK.

You have liquor wish sticks?

Liquor wish sticks, now that's,
that's actually very funny.

You have good and plenty?

Yeah, I think I saw them last
week at the Peppermint Wino.

No, I am looking for Taffy.

All right, well, I'm
sorry it didn't work out.

Yeah, maybe I will
call off the wedding.

Thank you very much.

Yes, hello.

Do you do bachelor parties?

You do, good.

Do you have Taffy?

I'm looking for Taffy.

She's blonde, falls down a lot.

You do?

Well, yes, it sounds
just like her.

No, listen, this is Agent--

well, never mind.

I can't tell you my name.

But your government
needs you and--

yes, of course, I'll hold.

Thank God.

Who knows what evil
those glasses might have

fallen into in the wrong hands.

You guys are
winning big tonight.

You said it, baby.

In fact, we're
winning so big, I'd

like to spread the wealth, if
you're interested in spreading,

the wealth, that is.

Just might.

Got a long weekend coming up.

Let the good times roll.

That's what I always say, baby.

[GROANS]

So what do you say?

Room service tonight?

Yeah, I'm exhausted carrying
all this money around sure

has wore me out.

That sure is a lot of money.

Do you think anyone
got wise to us?

Not a chance.

Besides, it's good
for people like us

to come up winners
every once in a while.

It makes the little guy
think he's got a chance.

I guess you're right.

I mean, they didn't even blink
when we cashed in our chips.

No, they didn't, and that's
why it's caviar and champagne

all the way tonight, baby.

Mm, the smell of money
makes me wet with desire.

But can you afford me?

Oh, tonight, I can afford you.

[KNOCKING]

Come on in.

I can afford you and
another one just like you.

Happy birthday, Taffy.

It's not my birthday.

I know.

Better open up your
present before it melts.

You dealt me a great hand today.

Now I'm going to deal you one.

More money.

Woo, hoo!

Woo!

Now, who said it
couldn't be done?

We're rich, baby,
really, really rich.

Yeah.

Maybe we should sell this
place and move uptown.

We could start
a little bachelor

party business of our own.

Maybe, but we
gotta take it slow.

We don't want to
attract any attention.

You know, all the
things I've ever wanted,

they're becoming a reality.

All thanks to these babies.

Sure are.

But like I said, we
gotta take it easy.

Sorry to break up
this little party,

but I think you have
something that belongs to me.

Hey, that's the
guy I ran into.

Quick thinking, Taffy.

Looks like you've been
taking our glasses out

for a little bit of a test
drive unofficially of course.

Huh?

We just got really,
really lucky.

You know in this
instance, I think I'm going

to have to agree with you.

Now the glasses, if you please.

[SIGH]

It's probably best if you
two just forget about this

and maybe we'll overlook
your little Las Vegas jaunt.

Hey, it was fun
while it lasted.

Actually, the fun
is just beginning.

Hands up.

Over there, flatfoot.

You bring me the glasses.

You're never going to get
away with this, you fiend.

Oh, yeah?

That's what they said and we
fixed the election in Florida.

I knew that.

Now we're all going
for a little ride.

Let's go.

Easy, man.

Don't go postal.

I think we're here
to rescue you.

So what are you in here for?

Road rage.

These have taken a very
curious route back to me,

wouldn't you agree, Largo?

I agree, Madam Mao Myx.

But now they belong to
their rightful owner

and you are free to go about
with your plans unabated.

Yes, and you thought you had
beaten me, Agent Richardson.

How do you know my name?

It matters little now, even
as you plotted to seduce Natasha

into betraying me, she
now suffered the same fate

you must all endure.

Now what fate would
that be exactly?

The death of 1,000 scorpions?

The agony of 100 knives?

Burning and itching
an athlete's foot?

Silence.

I need time to dwell
upon these decisions.

Such things should not
be entered into lightly.

Largo, I have need
of you in private.

Don't go anywhere.

[LAUGHS]

Don't panic folks.

I'll think of something.

I'm thinking of something.

Yes, sir, Mr. President.

I understand the severity
of the situation.

Well, I have it on
very good authority

that one of our agents close
to recovering the glasses,

if he doesn't have them
in his possession already.

I hope to have them by Friday.

Yes, sir, I understand
that's your poker night.

I will do my best.

Yes, sir, Mr. President.

Yes.

Thank you, sir.

Jesus, can't the
guy just play one

honest game like everyone else?

Largo, you always
know to make me purr.

It is my pleasure
to please you.

Now, to our captives.

It's time to take out
the trash as it were.

That meddling agent has
been a thorn in my side

for way too long and the
others just know too much.

Dispose of them in
the usual fashion?

The usual fashion?

One shot to the head,
saw up the bodies,

dissolve them in acid lime,
then drive-through three states,

do-si-do.

Back through two states,
then bury them, one third

each in separate
baseball fields,

fly to Switzerland,
legally change my name,

and then return to California,
dressed as a woman.

Oh, please.

Nothing so routine.

No, kill the men and sell
the women into white slavery.

That should bring in enough to
at least pay for the Jacuzzi

I planned for the back deck.

Now, see to it immediately.

Drat.

Evil suits me.

It really suits me.

[LAUGHING]

Take it easy,
psycho, take it easy.

Grab him!

You did it, baby!

Come on, everybody,
let's go, let's go.

Taffy, come on.

I'm sorry, comrade.

I go my own way.

Catch you in the
next Cold War, baby.

Yes, I'm very happy to report
that the glasses are back

in my possession and
ready for delivery.

Yes, the price is
high, very high indeed.

But what do you expect?

There isn't another pair
of X-ray glasses like them

in the entire world?

Shall I expect to see you later?

Excellent.

And please bring cash.

My bank puts a 10 day hold
on checks over $30 million.

I look forward to
finally meeting you.

Gimme me some.

Thank goodness we made it.

I thought we were
goners for sure.

We're not out of
the woods yet, Taffy.

What do you mean?

Well, the way I see it is
that they know where you live.

So they probably think we
would never be stupid enough

to come back here.

That's where they're wrong.

Right.

Now also, they know
we know where they live

and what they're up to.

So, if we want to have
any chance of catching

them and foiling them
at their evil plans,

we're going to have
to move quickly.

I don't have any
hope of catching them

or foiling their evil plans.

How about you, Taffy, do you?

No.

Not me.

Hey, come on you two.

I just saved your lives.

Hey, we wouldn't have needed
saving if it wasn't for you.

True, but if we
don't do something,

you won't have any place
to spend all that money.

Really.

Right.

Think about it.

It could happen.

Bank vault combinations
would become useless,

national secrets compromised,
lotto tickets would

become a thing of the past.

Lotto tickets?

Yeah, right.

Yeah, all right, well, I
was stretching on that one.

But you get my point.

Look, even if we
wanted to help you out,

what could the two of us do?

All right.

Intelligence thinks that Mao
Myx's buyer is a wealthy Middle

Eastern man named Ram Singh.

We have not been able to
produce a photograph of him,

but we don't think Mao
Myx has met him either.

So I propose one of the two of
you, Eddie, impersonate him.

Make the buy, get the
glasses, bring them home,

and we're all heroes.

But could such a simple
plan have any chance

whatsoever of working?

I don't have a better plan.

Oh, great.

[CRACK]

INTERCOM: Miss Mao Myx.

Yes.

INTERCOM: Your
guests are arrived.

Excellent.

Show them in.

My dear Ram Singh, how
delightful to finally meet you.

It is my pleasure.

Me too.

I see you brought the money.

It's all here.

It is quite a very, very lot.

$30 million is
nothing to sneeze at.

Indeed.

Drink?

Yeah, I think we better--

by all means.

These X-ray glasses
are very sought

after and you're very lucky
to be able to afford them.

Everybody wanted them.

Yes, I would like to see them.

Of course.

My, my, my.

Oh, my.

They work exceptionally well.

I would not have
believed it if I did not

see it with my very own eyes.

My dear Ram Singh,
I do believe you're

undressing me with your eyes.

My glasses, please.

My apologies.

So, tell me, Ram?

What's it like in Moronico?

Moronico?

Yeah, where you live?

Oh, yes, yes, Moronico.

Well, it's a terrible
place, full of sand

and camels and people
that wear bed sheets

with towels on their head.

And oh, my god, the heat.

Such heat you would
never believe it.

Sounds lovely.

You must send me a
postcard sometime.

It does have its
moments to be sure.

I'll bet.

Was it a long journey?

Ah, yes, yes, it was
way, way over there.

My ass almost gave out
on the plane ride here.

My ass did put
out on the way here.

No, give out,

Yeah, give out.

You can remove that
silly disguise, Ram Singh,

or whatever your name is.

Your little game has come
to an unfortunate end.

You move over there.

Come on, move.

Ah!

Move it.

Keep going.

You too.

Keep moving.

Over there, get going, move.

Hey, what tipped you off.

Well, the real Ram Singh
lives in Palm Springs

and would never be
seen in the company

of such a cheap and common
harem girl such as this.

Hey, I resemble that remark.

Well it's too bad that Largo
isn't here to take care of you

personally.

But I have no problems
killing both of you myself.

Whoa, whoa!

Don't you want to know who sent
us or who were working for?

It's plain, don't you think?

You're obvious
government agents.

They're all such bungling
fools you couldn't even

find her ass with both hands.

That's a lie.

Either way, it's sayonara
suckers for the two of you.

Better luck next time.

Hold it.

Not so fast, Mao Myx.

Hands up.

Taffy, grab the glasses.

Go.

Ooh.

To the left, to the right.

Right there.

Right there.

Good thing you showed up.

She was about to perforate us.

I had a feeling the two of
you were going to blow it,

so I used you as a diversion to
gain access into the mansion.

So we were just baiting
your cleverly laid trap?

Sorry, Taffy.

Enough already.

Isn't talking something that's
against the Geneva Convention?

Let's just get on with it.

Now what?

Here's where Largo
creeps in behind you

and turns the table
on all of you.

Very interesting, Mao
Myx, but highly unlikely.

Hands up.

Drop the gun.

Ow.

Good work, Largo.

You will be rewarded.

I already have been.

You mean?

Yes, it's true.

Largo is going in
business for himself.

And the money I make
from selling these

I intend to buy small
string of islands

off the coast of
Southern Florida

and then probably name
them after myself.

So, you'd betray me.

I like to call
it diversification.

Ah!

[SOUNDS OF FIGHTING]

[CRASHING]

Oh, no.

Busted.

Oh, dear.

Oh, dear, oh dear.

There goes my island.

There goes Vegas.

There goes Bachelor
Parties Are Us.

Well, I guess there's
nothing left to fight about.

Guess not.

I'm out.

I'm good.

So I guess we should
all just go home.

That's a good idea, Taffy.

Let's get out of here.

Oh, beautiful house.

Really, it's lovely.

Thanks.

Next time.

I just wanted to
thank the two of you

for risking your
necks like that.

It's fun for
about two minutes.

Not everybody would have taken
the chances that you two did.

It's been quite
an adventure, man.

I mean, finding the X-ray
glasses, winning big in Vegas,

getting kidnapped, escaping,
and finally turning the tables

on those evil bastards.

Yeah, we've had
quite a busy week.

And we're grateful
for all your help.

Ah, it was nothing.

I've been authorized by the
agency to award the two of you

with this small token of your
government's appreciation.

We'll treasure them forever.

Wear them with honor.

You can bet on it.

Now, for your
bachelor party pleasure,

we have the sensuous,
sweet, and sticky Taffy.

Who's phone number
is that in your pocket?

I don't have any
hope of catching them

or foiling their evil plans.

Oh, Largo, you always
know how to make me purr.

Fly to Switzerland,
legally change my name,

and then return to California,
dress up as a woman.

I don't have a better plan.

Choose wisely.

What's in that case
holds great power.

This is great news indeed.

I just might.

Got a long weekend coming up.

Can you turn over
for me, please?

[MUSIC PLAYING]