Girl Walks Into a Bar (2011) - full transcript

A dentist teams up with a feisty would-be assassin to put the final touches on the plan to kill his wife. Once he makes a play for the assassin's payment, he unknowingly sets off a chain of events that fuels a cross-town journey through the many lounges, bars, strip clubs and the occasional nudist ping pong club scattered across Los Angeles. Along the way, we are introduced to a series of idiosyncratic characters, from gangsters to exotic dancers, from ex-cons to cops, with the odd hatcheck girl and bartender thrown in for good measure.

I'm, I'm sorry.
I'm waiting for someone.

You are.

Uh, under normal circumstances,

I'd never turn you away.

- But this is a business meeting.
- What kind of business are you in?

Um, I, I work in real estate,
corporate real estate.

- What's your name?
- Look, I don't mean to be rude.

I swear if you knew me,

I'm the last guy
to say no to a beautiful--

Wow, you can't even
tell me your name?

- Dennis.
- I don't believe you.

- Pardon me?
- Let's start over.

No, let's not.
I can't, I'm not...

I can't.

Uh, I, I...

It's this like, uh...

You're, uh,
are you a professional?

A professional what?

- I don't--
- I'll tell you my name.

My name is Driver.

- You're kidding me.
- No.

I don't have a sense of humor.

- You're Driver?
- Yes.

- Frank didn't mention that--
- I had a vagina?

It's not his job to talk
about my genitals, Nick.


I don't know how I feel about this.

Oh, if it changes things for you.

- Well, yeah, it changes things.
- By all means, pay attention to that.

How do I know for sure it's you?

You have a dental practice
on Wilshire and Doheny.

You've been married two
and a half years to Karen,

second marriage for you.

Your dog is named Hendrix,
you drive a Land Cruiser.

- You hired Frank 8 weeks ago.
- Okay, okay.

You're not a cop, are you?

Do I look like a cop?


Frankly, you look like
a Playmate of the month.

Want to frisk me?


Do you want to pat me down?

Are you messing with me?
I can't tell.

I already told you,
I have no sense of humor.

- Are you wired?
- What?

Are you wearing a wire right now
recording our conversation?

- Of course not.
- Open your shirt.


You go to the gym 3 times a week,
what's the problem?

My turn.

Jesus Christ!
What are you doing?

It's LA, Nick. Nobody notices
some chick lifting her shirt.

So, uh, uh...

how do we uh...

How does this work?

Frank didn't walk you through it?

He said the less I knew the better,
and it'd be done within the week.

That's pretty much all there is to it.

If you knew me, you'd realize
I'm really the most harmless guy.

We're all pretty harmless
until we're cornered, Nick.

Sometimes, we find ourselves
in an unbearable situation,

options dry up, and we
resort to drastic measures.

It's called survival.

I'm not a shrink,
I'm not a priest,

you don't need
to justify yourself to me.

But I'm no idiot,
I realize these things...

go south more often than not.

Well, not exactly
more often than not.

But yes, there's always a risk.

Thing to remember with cops,
regardless of what you read...

in detective novels or watch on TV,
they’re pretty dumb.

Until they're not.

If you feel so strongly about it,

maybe you should get up,
walk away,

and we never had
this conversation.

I'm passed that point.

And Frank says you're the best.


I don't like to brag, but...

you're welcome to ask around.

How did you learn to do this?

- Why, you're writing a book?
- No, I'm sorry, I'm just...

It helps me to talk this through.

The less you know about me,
the better all around.


I helped liberate Kuwait.

I learned on the job exactly
how to be all that I can be.

Strange world!

Safer for you trust me.

How do you mean?

In this line of work,
you can't imagine...

the amount of guys
who fall for their targets,

and then you've bought yourself
a world-class headache.

- No kidding?
- Most men see themselves as saviors,

they want to fix things.

Main problem between men
and women right there.

Women like to talk about
their problems in detail ad nauseam.

Men just want to fix them and move
onto something more stimulating.

- Yeah.
- Like blow jobs, sure.

Why did you say that out loud?

A lot of guys don't have
the ovaries for this job.

Now, what's it gonna be?

Do it.

That's 20K.

But half before, Frank said.

I remember what Frank said.

Well, I don't,
I don't have it on me.

I can go where I can get it.

I can be back within two hours.

I'll be here.

Ah, so that's it then?

Until you bring me the first half,

and I give you instructions on
how to get me the second half.

Frank will handle that.

After tonight,
you'll never see me again.

And your wife will be dead.

No misunderstandings,
let me hear you say it.

No misunderstandings.

I want her dead.

No misunderstandings.

I want her dead.


- Did you get it?
- I got it.

Great work.
Just hold on to that tape.

Let's see where he goes.

Right, he said he'd be back
here in a couple of hours.


- Hold on!
- Sorry.

Just sit back, relax,
have a drink on me.

Two even.

Talk to you soon.

Hey, sorry about that.

Oh, no problem.

- I'd like to make it up to you.
- No need.

Here you go.

I see you're the kind of guy
that takes initiative.

- Is that bad?
- No, it'll serve you well.

Don't they card people any more?

I'm older than I look.

- Twelve?
- Cheers.



- Can I ask you a question, Francine?
- It depends.

By some miracle of circumstance,
I happened to look over there

and you were lifting
your shirt for that guy.

Hmm, that's not a question.

My question, and...

call me a hopeless romantic,

is about the extraordinary
possibility of those being real.

Could they be?

You need a girlfriend.

I have a girlfriend.

- Where is she?
- Stood me up.

Aw, a tale of woe,
playing on my sympathy.

Good luck with that.

Are you waiting for someone?

Nope, just gonna sit here
and watch you shoot some pool.

I'm not very good.


What would a pool shark say?

I could teach you.

How do you know I'm not one?

That's a good point.

Maybe, you flash guys and
take them for all they're worth.

You'll never know.

But, what I love most
of all is photography.

Some of my teachers say
I have a real knack for it.

I get myself into
dangerous situations and...

document them.

People seem to trust me.

Like gang bangers and bikers and...

weird-ass freaks who, by all means,
should be kicking the crap out of me.

They don't find me threatening.

They tell me stuff.

It's a weird talent.


You remind me of my ex-husband.

- Ouch!
- No, he had some good qualities.

Okay, he's a son of a bitch,

but he once had a great ass.


I feel objectified here.

Tell me the truth.

Did you pick the bathroom lock earlier?

Because I know for a fact
that I locked it.

That sounds all wrong.

Truth is...

I was just looking for
an excuse to talk to you.

You weren't trying to get
into the bathroom with me?

No, that's not very gentleman-like.

Not to mention unhygienic.

On that note, I'll be right back.

Which way did he go?

I don't know.

She just walked out on her bill.

- Is he a regular?
- No.

- Hey, your friend said you'd settle it.
- He is not my friend.

- Well you looked pretty friendly to me.
- Yeah, well, he stole my wallet...

with my keys, everything.

Jesus! You want me to call the cops?

No, no cops.

- You have never seen him before?
- No.

I have.

- Really?
- Yeah, a couple weeks ago.

I saw him hitting on this
little hottie at the Tonga Hut.

Okay, do you know her name?

No. Uh, but she has
a tattoo on her shoulder.

It says "Lucky you".


Here is my number.

You hear anything, you call me.

And the tab?

- I just told you he stole my wallet.
- Yeah, so you say.

What? You think this is
some elaborate routine...

to not pay you, I'm a cop.

- You're a cop?
- Ex-cop.

- And he stole your wallet.
- Save it.

I'll find him,
I'll be back in an hour.

The roaming eye alights
upon a solitary young woman...

walking through a den of ill repute.

You know this place or
surely know one like it.

These so-called palaces of sin...

where young women
in flimsy underwear...

gyrate robotically...

while male patrons
with an otherwise...

catastrophically moldy grasp...

of male-female
communication skills...

try out their studliest one-liners...

amidst a barrage...

of staring and drooling
and wagging of tongues.

The clientele at these places
is fairly interchangeable.

You've met one peeler bar customer,
you've met them all.

These guys seem to only listen
to Motley Crew or maybe Zeppelin...

and love to play golf.

They usually vote for the most
conservative politician...

as long as he looks
and sounds like a jock.

Now that we've established our setting,

let me take this opportunity...

to introduce the young woman...

with what the consensus of the day,

would surely deem
an extraordinary behind...

and a practiced strut.

That would be me.

Stage name: Trix.

Catholic name: Teresa Augustina.

Preferred name: Teri.

One look at me,

all supple youth and
feline affectation,

you'd correctly assess...

I neither stand out nor blend in.

Appearing by all
conventional notions...

to simply be one more
apathetic skin-trade participant.

The type of girl with
little or no connection...

to the bra burning
activists of yesteryear.

Lucky you,
says dare number one.

Dare number two occupies
a more private place.

Although, here the term
private is relative.

Like all my lucid
revelations are relative.

Like my loathing for gentlemen...

such as this one,
is relative.

What do you say I take you
far away from all these creeps...

and I show you a dozen tricks
I can do with my tongue?

Loathsome because, well,

it's just hideous how he assumes
everybody else is a creep...

but not him, and
his horrifying invitation.

And relative because...

I'm pretty sure
he's my second cousin.

However, none of this
occupies my thoughts...

as I apply my war paint,

and tuck and cover
all my fetishized bits.

Those parts deemed the most exciting...

in the fashion of the moment.

No, what occupies my thoughts...

is the reminder that
I'm not a woman of action.

I'm a woman of will.

But I can't believe in my will
unless I act from it.

Onstage is where
I truly come alive,

where I shine,

where I kick serious ass.

- You're coming for drinks after, right?
- I can't tonight, sorry.

This is the highlight of my day.

The rest is paste.

When their eyes and
crotches are hot-wired...

to my every tiniest single move,

that's when I stop time.

And I become myself,
the real me.

Theresa the Astonishing!

But you already knew that.

Cunning feats of mentalism...

and supernatural amusements performed...

with the drop of a hat.

Theresa the Astonishing can tell...

with the blink of an eye...

that Ricky here is obsessed
with his neighbor Colette,

and that her complete dismissal
of his pathetic advances...

has caused him to purchase some...

gamma hydroxyl butyrate...

to slip into her drink later tonight.

That Jimmy is secretly,

deeply in love with
his best friend Roger,

even though he's assisted
his sociopathic friend more than once...

in bashing what
Roger here so sweetly calls,

"Dumb-ass homo pussies."

That Emir Horsain beats his mistress.

That Regis Blackburn Senior
raped his wife repeatedly.

That Marko Castillano is
deep-down a sensitive man...

who could potentially
learn to respect women,

but then he does that,

and you realize
he's got a way to go.

Maybe, he doesn't need
all this trust fund cash.

That in his longing for
female companionship.

Nestor "Needle Dick" Molina,

has been harassing a mute,
young clerk at the public library,

humiliating her with
his dirty insinuations.

- Are you sorry?
- Sorry?

I'm doing her a favor.

- What's the problem?
- No problem, Needle Dick.

- Let me see it.
- See What?

Hey, what are you doing?

Sometimes, Teresa feels mischievous.

Sometimes, she can go too far.

But that's why she's
called astonishing, people.


Three inches.

I suppose he could be a grower.

Sensitive question, Nelson.

Are you a grower or a show-er?

Don't lie now, this is vital.

I'm a grower.

You're lying.

Too bad.

The whole game is rigged against us.

Somebody's gotta tip
the scales once in a while.

Pow, pow, pow.

Die, little douche bags.

The women of the world
sleep a little cozier tonight.

- Woo!
- Yeah, impressive!

They are such
world-class jerks tonight.

I don't know how you do it.

Gotta lighten up, babe.

I hate this job.

Hey, baby cakes.

No, perfect timing,
I just finished.

Okay, celosita.


A wife...

wants to take her husband
to a strip club for his birthday.

So, they go to the strip club.

Doorman sees the guy, he says:

Hey Dave how you been?

Walking in, the wife says:

How did he know your name?

You been to this strip club before?

He says: No, no, no,
that guy's on the bowling team.

We bowl every
Thursday night together.

All right.

Sit down at the table,
waitress comes over and says:

Hey, Dave, you want the usual?

She brings him over a Budweiser.

She says: Wait a minute,

how did that woman know
you drink Budweiser?

He says: Well, she's on
the ladies bowling team.

They all know what I drink.

Come on, relax.

Next thing you know,

a stripper comes over,
jumps right on his lap...

and says: Hi, Davey,
you want the usual lap dance?"

That's it.
The wife picks up her bag,

leaves the place.

Dave runs after her,
he goes outside.

She's just jumping into a cab.

He opens the door,
he jumps in behind her.

He says: Look, honey, honey,
I'm telling you,

that, that woman must have
thought I was somebody else.

All right?
She's not having it.

The wife, she's screaming
at the top of her lungs,

calling him every name in the book.

The cab driver turns around
at that moment and says:

Looks like you picked up
a real bitch tonight, Dave.

Bill, Billy, Billy.

What? Can't you see we're
playing cards, you know?

But this guy's giving me
a headache.

He said it's urgent.

Aw, Billy.

All right, well, be right back.

Don't look at my cards.


Uh, Mr. Aldo, I'm sorry,
I didn't mean to interrupt you.

I know you?

Yeah, it's Nick.


Nicholas, your dentist.

My dentist?

Nick, you almost gave me
a heart attack.

I'm in the middle of a game.

My mind is elsewhere.

What are you doing here?


actually, it's about the, uh...

the funds.

The funds?

Yeah, you know, the money
I gave you to hold for me to invest.

Remember the 20 grand?

Yeah, I remember.

- You need it?
- I do.

- Right now?
- Yeah.

Um, sorry for the late notice.

I tried to get in touch with you,
I left you a couple of messages, but...

You called my house?


You speak to my wife?


How did she sound?

Did she sound out of breath?

- What?
- I'm just kidding you.

I trust my wife implicitly
on all matters.

Give me ten minutes,
I'm finishing this hand,

I'll get you your money.

- Uh, see, I'm in a little bit of a hurry.
- No, no, no, just have a drink.

Tommy, give my dentist a drink.

There's a singer coming up.

Really good voice.


- Excuse me?
- Dress.



I got no idea what
you're talking about.

Down with the manners,
up with the dress.

Johnny sweet-talked Alice...

into this mess.

Is that some kind of a rhyme?

Into duress.

You some kind of poet?

Now, now she's depressed.

- Now who's depressed?
- That could work.

Down with the manners,
up with the dress.

Johnny sweet-talked Alice,
now who's depressed?

It's ambiguous.

Could be Johnny's
the one who's depressed.

Ah, yeah. I get it,
you're the, uh...

you're the singer here.

- Teddy Wright.
- Uh, Nick.


Are you in some, uh,
sort of trouble?

Why do you say that?

You just got a puzzling way
about you.

You know, you should
mind your own business.

No, I didn't mean to antagonize you.

I was just under the impression
that a bar is like a church,

a place where a guy
can go to be left alone...

and think in peace.

- One would think so.
- Yeah, one would be wrong, wouldn't one?

Don't get all riled up now.

I'm just saying.

One more time, Teddy Wright.

Farewell, my sinking ship.

♪ Down with the manners ♪

♪ Up with the dress ♪

♪ Johnny sweet talked Alice ♪

♪ Into this mess ♪

♪ No you don't bring checkers ♪

♪ To the big game of chess ♪

♪ You know that only bad can come ♪

♪ You know that only bad can come ♪

♪ Down with the shutters ♪

♪ Up with the lights ♪

♪ Johnny sweet-talked Alice ♪

♪ All through the night ♪

♪ No world full of kisses ♪

♪ Gonna make it all right. ♪

♪ You know that only bad can come ♪

♪ You know that only bad can come ♪

♪ Listen to your ma ♪

♪ Listen to your pa ♪

♪ Listen to your heart ♪

♪ Listen to the law ♪

♪ Only bad can come ♪

♪ Down with the manners ♪

♪ Up with the dress ♪

♪ Johnny sweet-talked Alice ♪

♪ Now who's depressed ♪

♪ Now you don't bring checkers ♪

♪ To the big game of chess ♪

♪ You know that only bad can come ♪

♪ You know that only bad can come ♪

♪ You know that only bad can come ♪


I got the good news and
I got the bad news.

The good news,

I have your money,
don't worry.

But, I can't give it to you tonight.

Uh, I, I don't see how
that's good news for me.

No, that's the bad news.

Um, okay, I really, um...

I need that money tonight.

Well, I, I know.

But, I don't have it here.

- Where is it?
- It's not here.

I can't get it until tomorrow.

But I, I just...

I need it, I really need it tonight.

I understand.

That's why...

when Billy told me his idea,

I said: Ah-ha!

We kill two birds,
one stone, everybody's happy."

What idea?

Billy has to go pick
something up for me tonight.

But, he can't go alone.

So he said:

Why don't you go with him?

- This way you can get your money.
- Um.

What, what does he have to pick up?

- Money.
- Money.

- For you?
- Yeah, money for me.

Look, Mr. Aldo, I don't,
I mean, all due respect here.

I don't, um...

I don't want to get
involved in your business.


What business is that?

It's none of my business.

Don't get cute with me.
What business is that?

I don't know, I'm a dentist.

Oh, oh, so that, okay,
you're a dentist.

That means you're not
accountable for what you say?

- What business?
- Look.

All, all, all I'm saying is,

you know,
you know some guys.

I know some guys?

Yeah, sure, I know some guys.

Billy knows some guys.

Everybody knows some guys.

Well, for example, I don't.

I don't know any guys,
that's all I'm saying.

All you're saying.



it's how you're saying,

is a little, I don't know.

A more sensitive man might think...

you might be insulting him.

No no no no no no.
No no.

That is the last thing I want to do.


Then the quicker
you go with Billy,

the quicker you get your 20 Gs


- Howdy.
- Howdy.

What can I get you?

I'm looking for a girl,
I hear, comes here.

she's got a tattoo on
her shoulder that says: "Lucky you."

Oh, well, lots of people come here.

Um, I can't check out every tattoo.

Is that her?


How can you be sure?

I'm not. I don't know.

Why pick her and not her?

You didn't look surreptitiously
in her direction

when I mentioned the tattoo.

You want a drink or what?

Look, she's not in any trouble,
but a guy she knows is.

And I don't have a lot
of time to find him.

I just serve drinks, you know?

Help me out.

Some of the girls from
Chick Planet come here after work.

I think maybe I've seen
"Lucky You" with those two.

You are a princess.

What are they drinking?

Uh, Tonga Lei and a Zombie.

Let's do two more of those.

I'm looking for a friend of yours...

with a tattoo that says: Lucky you.

She's not in trouble,
but a guy she knows is.

And I need to find him right away.

What did he do?

He stole my wallet.

But, that's not what I'm after.

- Sorry, it's not funny.
- Yeah, sorry.

He took evidence from
a case I'm working on.

Frigging Henry, mam.

That's him?

- Did you do him?
- Excuse me?

- He's really suave.
- He's not a bad kid.

- Are you gonna arrest him?
- He just loves himself the ladies.

I don't care about him,
except to get back what he took.

I don't know where he is.

Well, what about his girlfriend?

- What girlfriend?
- The one with the tattoo.

- Teri?
- That's his sister.

Can you call her?

She should be here any minute,

but I don't know that
she knows where he is.

Okay, this is a life-or-death situation.

Henry's secret...

is that he's a really
talented photographer.

Mm, so he said.

He did?

That's unlike him.

He's usually very modest
about that stuff.

I think it's because
he really cares about it.

What are you good at?

What do you mean?

You look like you're
really good at something,

and I can't figure out what it is.

Me, I prefer to be amused
than to be amusing.


this weed is making me
so paranoid.

I'm usually really articulate.

No problem.

It all goes back to my fear
of being buried alive.

You're afraid of that?

I think about it a lot.

Yeah. It's pretty bad way to go.


Yeah, second worst.

What's worse?

Dying in your sleep.

Why? That seems like
the best way.

Ooh, that's what they want you to think.

- Who?
- Grown-ups.

The people running things and, um...

the church, you know?

They don't really want you
to stop and think about it.

How so?


everybody thinks...

that dying in your sleep
is the best way to go.

But, it scares the hell out of me.

I mean, what if
you're having a nightmare,

and, and you're being
chased by someone,

or you're about
to jump off a cliff,

and then, you have
a heart attack and die?

I mean,

everybody just thinks like,

Oh, they went peacefully.
It's so great, you know?

They were lucky.
They didn't suffer.

Blah blah blah.

It is the worse way to go.

I just left her a message,
and I texted her.

So, we just gotta wait.

Thank you.

No frigging way.
Look, who just walked in.

Oh, no.

- Who is it?
- A real creep from Chick Planet.

He must have followed us.

He's in love with Teri.

- Hm.
- Don't look over, don't look.

Is he coming over?

He's coming over.



Hey, do you know what winks
and screws like a tiger?


I'm Ralph.

Detective Francine Driver.

Oh, okay.

Uh, pirate captain Ralph,
expert at pillaging booty.

We're off work, man.
Give us a break.

- It's a free country, right?
- We didn't ask you to sit down.

Now if I told you that
you had a beautiful body,

would you hold it against me?

Those are the worst
pick-up lines I've ever heard.

You're bothering my friends.

- But not you?
- Me?

Oh, no, I'm enjoying this.

See, I could tell from across the room
that you were a woman of taste.

- I'm Ralph.
- You already said that.

Did I?

Well, you know,
it is so hard...

to concentrate
with the three of you.

You're like a club
sandwich from heaven.

Maybe, this is the time.

Maybe, I should introduce a more...

personal note.

You married, Ralph?

Yeah. You love your wife?

You got kids?

You carry their pictures
around in your wallet?

- You want to see them?
- No.

What I want is for you
to apologize to my friends.

I'm sorry.

And never see them again.

I won't.


- Not even at the club?
- Not even at the club.

See, one loser approaches them,

pretty soon all losers assume
they can waltz right on over

and strike up a conversation.

It's a slippery slope,

and they can't afford to lose
that kind of credibility.

So, no more Chick Planet for you.

But, I'm a VIP there.

Not any more.
Stop living in the past, Ralph.

It's time to go.


Get up now.


All the way to your car.

Yeah, keep walking.

You just blew my mind.

Woo! Detective!

I love you.

I just remembered where
Teri was going tonight.

- Just came to you, huh?
- Okay.

I have a problem with authority,
I admit it.

Don't tell her I'm a detective.
Just let me talk to her.


Bottoms up, partner.

Can I buy you one?


How are you doing, Katie?

You're getting some
on a regular basis?

My name's Camilla.

Creature as good looking as you,

I sure hope you're getting some.

Well, thanks for the concern.

Wait, stay.

I'll bet you, we got
something in common.

My name is Dodge,
in case you were wondering.

I haven't gotten some in so long.

Might tonight, though.

I don't know.

So, what?
It's your birthday?

Coming out party.

You're gay.

Coming out from some place else.

Oh, you're a tough guy.

Let's not put labels on a man.

Life is unfriendly enough as it is.

You want another one?

I want you to tell me
what's bothering you.



You were on the phone earlier.

What was that all about?

You're eavesdropping on me?

I read lips real good.

Little talent you develop inside.

You're bluffing.

Are we playing cards?

Bluffing to try to get me
to reveal something about myself.


it's me again.

I don't mean to be a pest."

Now first of all, a woman
like you could never be a pest.

You don't have the tone of voice for it.

You know, you gotta have
a certain screechiness, you know?

How did you hear that?

"I meant it when I said
I don't need a commitment,

"but there is a game being played,

- I don't want to be any part of."
- Okay, okay, stop.

Who is Emmet?


Some guy, my neighbor.

You're having a fling
with your neighbor?

Is he married?


- I gotta get back to work.
- What work?

How long you been dating this guy?

Weeks, months?

It's been seven, eight months.

He's not your upstairs neighbor?

What if he is?

Bedroom isn't just above yours?

It is.

That's your trouble right there.

So, when you're not out with him,
and he says he's at home,

you hear his bed springs creaking.

He's got some other broad up there?

So what do I do?

You have to move.

And you might want to put up
a couple more of those.

My kids are about to show up.

How do you know?

I can feel them.

All words have double meanings,

even the small words all
bundled up in death and sex and...

What is this?

- Just take a deep breath.
- You're an asshole.


Let her go!

Do yourself a favor and
never have a daughter.

Cuddliest little things
until about the age of 12,

then, be prepared
to be banished forever.

I once dodged a bullet from her.

True story,
not a figure of speech.

Sorry, Dodge.
She gets so emotional.

Let her be.

Ah, Tatiana, Annabel?

This is my kid.


- Thanks.
- Mm-hm.

I've been dreaming...

that I can't sleep.

I wake up exhausted every morning.

I got this bag for you.


All words have double meanings,

even the littlest of ones.

That's why you can't trust words, Henry.

I got this for you, too.

It's Spanish, antique.

It's for food.

I'm glad you're out.

Women are the most
resilient of creatures.

You can do anything
you want to a woman,

and maintain her respect.

You can...

forget a romantic anniversary,

you can cheat on her
with her best friend,

you can pop her in
the rear once in a while,

just to change the pace of things.

But, you must never...


let her smell your poop.

This is my gift to you, son.

Never forget it.

Thanks, Dad.

Keep it tight.

I'll cherish it.

You ready for another one?

Do you mind if I ask you something?

What's in the suitcase?


What is that, like,
slang for domino bones?



So why does he like...

carries those around?

Puts them together and
he takes them apart.

Helps him relax.

He used to be a science teacher.

You okay?

Are you close with your dad?

He died last year.

That sucks.


He had Alzheimer's.

I spent all Christmas with him
watching soccer on TV.

European League.

He had no idea who was playing.

He'd start rooting for a team
and then ask me who it was.

I'd leave the room
and walk back in and...

he'd greet me with this huge smile.

Ask me all sorts of questions.

Soon enough he, uh...

he didn't know who I was.

What anything was.

Suddenly, you realize that...

all we are is our memory.

Life doesn't mean anything
unless you can remember it.

Excuse me.


You Henry?


It's your sister.

Nice going.

Because he wanted to surprise you.

Look it, Teri.

I'm still trying to figure
this out myself, okay?

How many years ago was that?

The man beat me too,
but I got over it.

You stole his Cadillac,
and he got mad.

And so, he shaved your head
while you were sleeping.

It wasn't the most fatherly thing
to do, but it happened.

Okay, I'll be right over.


What was that for?

In case I get Alzheimer's,

and I forget that
I really wanted to do that.

- Hey, guys!
- Hey, June!

- How you doing, girl?
- Oh, you know, can't complain.

How's the acid reflux?

Way better.

I switched to white wine
like you suggested,

and, oh, my God,
huge difference.

- Well, I told you.
- Yeah.

But, I gotta admit...

I'm still eating chocolate.

Well, some things
you just can't give up.

I know, I mean,
I've cut way down,

but it's just so hard.

Y'all feeling limber tonight?

Ready for trouble, baby.

Oh, well, have fun.

Hey, Mr Trombone.

How you doing, sweetheart?

Not too shabby.

Where's the missus?

Aw, she's upset with me.

Oh, what did you do this time?

Don't, don't, don't get me started.

I, I, I took her to the race track.

- Hollywood Park?
- Yeah?

I, I like to humor her
with some bets and...

she always picks the horse
with, with the cutest name.

I mean, Fluffy Banana.

Who the hell names
their horse that, huh?

I mean it kind of
makes you wonder, right?

- So, you didn't place the bet?
- No, no, I couldn't.

you know, I, I, I put
the money on Silver Prelude.

Now that's one hell of a damn horse.

You know, you've been through
this before, Mr. Trombone.

That, that, that son of a bitch...

beats my horse out by a nose...

in a photo finish.

Muriel almost crapped her pants.

30 to 1 odds on, on Fluffy Banana.

I mean, how could I put money
on, on a horse like that?


I'm sorry, Mr. Trombone.

Ah, that's...

anyway, you know Muriel.

- I'm getting the treatment.
- Mm.

Yeah, she'll come around.

- She always does.
- At least, the house is quiet.

I got that to look forward to.

And, you know, I got my health.

Have you lost weight?

Yeah, maybe, I mean, she hasn't
fed me since that happened.

But, you know,
I'll probably put it back on.

Don't worry.

I'm not.

Have fun tonight.

You too sweetheart.

You should probably wear this.

Hey, guys, it's members-only night.

Well, that's a good thing,

'cause this is a members-only hold-up.

- Jesus Christ!
- Jesus Christ!

Wallets, purses, jewelry,
go, go, go!

Hey, you should
probably put that on,

or she's gonna pick
you out in a line-up.

It takes an average of 15 seconds...

to form a personal picture
of someone in a crisis.

Or would you rather I just shoot her?

- Jesus Christ, put it on!
- No, no, no, don't, don't, don't.

I'll put it on, you don't
have to do that. Why, why...

Shut up, why don't you
just go watch the door, okay?

- Right.
- Hey.

Fill up this bag, fill it up.

Watches, watches, okay?

- Here.
- No, not that one,

the gold one.

- Okay.
- Okay. Here you go.

What the hell would I want
to do with a plastic watch?

I don't know.

Hey, hey, what are you doing?

I told you to go watch the door.

- I don't want to have to kill this bitch.
- No, no. Don't, don't, don't kill her.

Not that door.

Go park your ass in front of the curtain,
make sure nobody is peeking in.

Ah, phones, too.

- The phones?
- Yes, phones.

- Oh here.
- Great, great.

You're doing great.

You've got great...

eyes, by the way.

Yeah, I mean,
they just hit you like, bam!

Spring-loaded glove
to the face, ha-ha-ha!

I'm sure you've heard
that before, though.

Please don't hurt me, okay?

I just work here part-time.

Well, what, what do you want to be?

I'm studying to be a dental hygienist.

What are the chances, he's a dentist.

I'm, I'm a dentist.

Hey, by the way,
how are we looking in there?

- I, I don't know.
- Why don't you check, Einstein?

Make sure nobody’s peeking in, okay?


Can you believe these perverts?

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

I doubt it.

Aldo always says
I don't see the big picture.

Well, now I see it
and it's panoramic.

What is panoramic?

You know, like a wide-screen TV...

with the black bars
at the top and the bottom.

Yeah, I know what the word means.

All right, then let's take
some pictures of these yahoos.

We already have
their names and addresses.

I will bet they would pay
beaucoup bucks...

to make sure those pictures
don't get to their kids' schools,

their bosses and whatnot.

Why don't you just
let them be, okay?

Because blackmail never works.

What do you know about it?

Because I tried it once in high school.

You should listen to her.

- Take your clothes off.
- What?

- Get in there.
- What are you doing?

This is a robbery, people!

What are you doing?

All right, get in there,
take 'em off.

She just works here.

Why does she have
to take off her clothes?

Because I want to see
what she looks like.

I am not taking off my clothes.

Okay, look, listen, just...

All right, all right.

Leave her be.
I'll take my clothes off.

Why would I want you
to take off your clothes?

Mm, well, if you're gonna
pick on somebody,

pick on that guy over there.

Why him?

He looks mean.

Hm. No, see,

I like his girlfriend.

That is not his girlfriend.

Hey, you, come here!

- Me?
- Yes, you.

- Let's be gentlemen about--
- Hey, shut up.

Yes, you come here.

Come on sugar tits,
we don't have all day.

Don't call her sugar tits!

You think that's loaded?

What am I, stupid?

You're just saying that.

That one's for show.
This one's loaded.

So, if I squeeze this trigger,
nothing happens?

Squeeze away compadre.

Damn it.

All right, doll face.

Let's see what you got.

Leave her alone!

Get out of here, run.

Everybody run!

Oh, my God, is that you?

No, no. Shh shh shh shh shh.

So, so, you know about Otis?

Is that really you?

No, no, Karen, no.
That's not me.

This isn't, isn't me.

It's not, it's not
what it looks like. I...

- I am so ashamed.
- No, no, no.

Don't cry, no, Karen.
No, no, no, not here, not here.

But when those guys
came into the bar,

before I realized it was you,

a single thought came into my head.

First I thought terrorists,

but then it just, it, it hit me,

like a hammer, and, and
everything became clear. I...

I have been so misguided
and so selfish,

telling myself that I need
something more from life,

something dangerous,
something exciting, and...

you are the most exciting thing...

that's ever happened to me.


Okay, I'm here, you big baby.

You set me up?

I didn't know
she was gonna do that.

Now, get off him.

- Oh, shit, she's a cop.
- Ex-cop.

You ripped off a cop?

- I didn't know.
- Ex-cop.

How stupid could you be?

Can I just say you look
really great from this angle?

See where your hand is,
that's a felony.

I was right, though.

This better be intact.

I swear, I didn't touch it.

The cash I did spend.

It was an emergency.
I'm so sorry.

You spent her cash on Dodge?

- Hit him again.
- Hey, stop trying to help me, honestly.

- Is that me?
- Yeah, it's right there.

Sam, hold on one sec.

Oh, really?


He fessed up to the whole thing.

- What, to you?
- No.

He fessed up to his wife.

How do you know?

He came clean, soup to nuts,
and she forgave him.

- What, she forgave him?
- That's not all.

In the scuffle,
a gunshot went off.

And guess whose leg
got hit with the bullet?

- The wife's lover.
- Bingo.

- Okay, so we got him on manslaughter.
- No, an accident.

Oh. come on.

I have a room full of naked
witnesses to corroborate it.

- Why are they naked?
- Wait until you get a load of this.

There is a nudist ping-pong club
in Silver Lake.

The shooting was
at the Cracker Shack?

You've been there?

No, I, I've just seen the sign driving by.

There is no sign.
It's members-only.

What can I tell you?
I love ping-pong.


A chopin martini up,
olives, not dirty, bruised.


I felt really bad
stealing from you, but...

I just want to say one thing.


I bet you're the kind of woman
that looks great naked.

Unbelievable, that sounds
like the guys from my work.

Better than you can ever imagine.

I have a highly developed imagination.

Oh, barf city, Greedo,
you're killing me.

I mean, way beyond.

- But, you'll never know.
- Oh, poor baby.

Turned down by
Officer Mucha Muchacha.

Shut up.

Golly, articulate.

- Thank you.
- Shut up.

So willing to engage.

You do, however, owe me big time.

Anything, name it.

You know a bar called
the Bigfoot Lodge?

- Cop bar?
- Mm-hm.

- What about it?
- I want you to pick a cop's wallet for me.

Intriguing. Is this like some kind
of test, pick a cop's wallet?

Not just any cop, my ex-husband.

Wow, this idea keeps sounding worse.

Why, he won't pay alimony?

Well, he has a picture
he won't give back,

and he keeps showing all his friends.

It's really starting to piss me off.

Are you naked in it?

What's with the one-track mind?


If I steal it,
am I allowed to see it?

You're not exactly in
a position to negotiate here.

Hope strings eternal.

Okay, who writes your dialogue?

Okay, you steal it first,

you get it back to me
without him noticing,

then we will discuss further terms.

But first, we gotta make a stop.

- Um, yes.
- Thank you.


Yeah, I think you can give her
a little more considering.

Sorry for the inconvenience.

So, where's this Bigfoot?

It doesn't get going for another hour.

What do undercover
detectives do for fun?

Teach me to shoot some pool.


I taught him everything he knows.

She's right.
You guys start without me.

First round of beer is on me.

- Is he gonna make a run for it?
- Nah.

He's totally dishonest
until he gives you his word.

Then, he's the most loyal
puppy dog in the world.


What's a smart girl like you doing,

taking off her clothes
for pocket change?

What's a smart girl like you doing,

playing cops and robbers?

I need the medical.


Me too.

Go for the 3.

Is he really a good photographer?

His portraits are surprisingly good.

It's impossible for people...

to not let their guard down
around him, it's weird.

So, if he asks to take your picture,


- Don't do it?
- No, do it.

But, you've been warned.

If you're thinking about the 9,
forget about it.

Go for the 10,

You're not going for the 10, are you?

- Leave her alone.
- The 9 is all set up.

Who is teaching me here,
you or your sister?

I thought you asked me.

Come on, pilgrim,
go get us another round.

Who's the shark here?

Beginner's luck.

I bet, you're full of shit, Detective.

- Doing the sweet slide.
- Thin Cap.

- Erin Yorkid.
- Thin Kitty.

Getting the little man
in the boat to go fishing.

- You made that up.
- Sounds legit to me.

Oh, God!

- Mm.
- Mm.

Okay, checking for depth.

Cleaning my fur coat.

- Petting the petunia.
- Um, uh, baby in the kitty.

I already said it.

Mm-hm. Mm.

- Okay.
- Uh-huh.

- Automatic pilot.
- Uh, finding yourself.

Uh, digging for gold.
- Gilding a lily.

Mm, letting your fingers
do the walking.

Coming into your own.

Tickling my fancy.

Um, uh, spelunking
in the mystery cave.

- Time!
- What?

Spelunking in the mystery cave.

- Spelunking?
- That's a word.

- That's not a word.
- It's a word.

- It means exploring.
- Spelunking?



- Triple or nothing.
- No, I say we pick this up later.

Let's go steal a wallet.

- Let's go steal a wallet.
- Let's go steal a wallet.

That's mine.

Thank you.

So we should just sit down and,uh...

Can I get you a drink?

Anything, as long as it's whiskey.

Two Macallans, rocks.

I just had a near-death
experience, officer.

Yes, you did. And um...


It's the kind of thing
that you imagine...

happens to somebody else,
never you.

It can be very traumatic.

I, I read somewhere that...

when something horrible happens,

you know,
like a senseless tragedy, or...

a terrorist attack or,

you know, an incident...

where you suddenly realize that...

you could die that very instant,

that all you want to do,

suddenly, is eat...

and drink...

and smoke...

and have sex.

- Is that how you feel?
- No.

Well, it could take
a little while to kick in.

- You're still on shock.
- Now, that's...

what they mean when they say,

life is cheap in all those
third-world countries.

But, they just keep
drinking and screwing.

Even in India where
they just did this study...

that the average penis is
shorter than in other places.

- Did you read that?
- I can't say that I have.

But, the BBC reported that...

condoms made according to
international sizes are just...

too large for most Indian men.

She'll have another one.
Actually, make it two.


you had some more questions for me?

Yes, uh, basic stuff. I...

just don't want to miss
anything on my report.

It's so lucky you were right outside
when that gun went off.

Not just luck.
I was there on a case, June.

I was following one of the perps.

Do you mind if I call you June?

What I don't understand is...

why he wanted me
to take off my clothes.

I mean, you're right
in the middle of a robbery,

adrenaline pumping violence, greed.

Do you really have time to stop
and admire a girl's cha-cha?

These guys,

- they're psychopaths.
- Yeah.

They get off on fear and entry.

What I don't understand...

is the coincidence
of Nick's ex being there.


who are you talking about, Silas?


- Never heard of him.
- No, I'm Salazar, Samuel Salazar.

The perp's name is Billy.

Karen is the other perp's wife, Nick.

Oh, yeah.


She's his ex?

They're still married.

- Have you seen them there before?
- Never.

Otis seems to have
a lot of luck...

bringing women there
on their first date.

It takes a certain kind of,
I don't know,

"je ne sais quoi"

to bring a first date
to a nudist ping-pong bar.

Would you?

I'm not much of a player.

Unless he couldn't help himself.


Billy, the perp.

Maybe, he just couldn't help himself,

and that's why he was willing
to throw away all that careful planning,

just to get a peek at me
in my birthday suit.

It's kind of like a Greek myth.

You know?

I think you're romanticizing it a little.

Which is perfectly natural.

I don't think that he planned
it all that thoroughly.

I hear the words coming out
of my mouth, and I want to cry.

But, I can't remember
the last time I cried.

I make eye contact and not
when I'm supposed to,

spewing platitudes,
plausible enough...

to word out any argument.

But what I really want
to say to her is:

Did I mention you set
my heart a-flutter...

and make me feel all funny inside?

Heaven forbid,
I go through with it.

And I'm the kind of guy who
always bets on the wrong horse.

Me, Samuel Salazar, at your service.

They say women forget...

the physical pain of childbirth
right after the baby is born.

That's how come they can
start all over again,

have another child.

I guess I'm not like a woman at all,

because I have
a crystal clear memory...

of every heartbreak I've
suffered from the age of nine.

I was only conversational then.

Still, I can't help
but wonder if this...

could be a true happy ending,

or one more false hope.

It's like a traffic accident.

I know I shouldn't look,

but I can't turn away,

because in my heart of hearts,
wherever that is,

I know the answer
does not lie within words,

but within her eyes.

The world is made up of
a billion little mysteries,

but it's not words that explain them.

Of this, I'm sure.

Do you think I could have developed
Stockholm Syndrome that quickly?


I've always wanted
to go to Stockholm.

I've never been anywhere.

Have you traveled a lot?

A little, mostly in the United States.

I want to go to Europe.

And Egypt.

And those raves in Greece
where the music is really bad, and...

everyone is on ecstasy, and...

they’re all so super tanned
that it doesn't matter.

Have you been?


My friend went once.

And she said that nobody
spoke the same language.

But no one had anything
to say anyways,

so the DJ played the music so loud
that even your eyes hurt.

Thank you...

for saving my life, Samuel.

I wouldn't go that far.

Is it true that Mexican
men love cunnilingus?


Oh, I'm sorry.
That came off really forward.

I just...

suddenly feel like I have
this new lease on things, you know?

And there's just no time for
pleasantries and being polite.

I mean, there's barely
enough time to go out there...

and get what you want.

My grandfather was Mexican.
I was born here.


I guess it'd be an awkward
question to ask him.

Yeah, he's...

he passed away anyway.

Took the secret with him.

Do you want to dance?

Not just yet.

I'll be right back.



Ready for another one?


How's it going, officer?


Not going so well, actually.

You seem a little uptight.

If you don't mind me saying so.

Actually, I do mind, I'm trying
to figure some stuff out.

- What stuff?
- Personal stuff.



And what makes us special.


I thought it was about the girl.

Her too.

- What's wrong with her?
- She's sending me mixed signals.

Hey, officer Salazar?


I'm not wearing...

any underwear.

I wouldn't read between
the lines so much.

You are unique.

There are, I'm sure,

uncommon things that
you are particularly good at.

Play to your strong suits, shine.

Don't concentrate on things...

that other people have told you,
you're no good at.

Relish the talents you have.

And always...

always surround yourself with
people who appreciate you.


But, if I'm gonna be...

completely honest with you.

I haven't had a real piece
of ass since El Paso.

That was one hot,
little lady you had there.


I suppose you banged her too,
after I left.

Well, I was with my wife
at the time, remember?

She gets manicures, doesn't she?

She goes shopping.
All wives do.

Just saying, where there's
a will there's a way.

- Point is I didn't do anything.
- Yeah, you wanted to, I can tell.

Empty again.

- You ready for another?
- No, still working on this.

Mikey did, though.

Chafes me to this day.
You know why?

Because if I hadn't
told him she was hooking,

he never would have had the balls
to ask her up to his room.

Guy is a complete pussy when
it comes to talking to women.

Especially, women with cans like those.

I don't know what you're talking about.

You never noticed how
intimidated he gets...

around women
who got a great rack?

Never noticed.

He-he-he-he-he-he can't talk,
he st-stut-st-stutters.

It must be something in his past.

Mother, I don't know.

You remember how he,
he could never talk to your ex?

You know, no disrespect.

None taken.

Guy can't see past
a decent-sized double barrel.

Great looking girl, though.

We're talking about Francine now?

No, I mean, her, too.
But, no, uh, Jewel.

What was her real name?

Nice Jewish name.

Oh, man, let me tell you,
that is a lethal combination.

Nice Jewish girl drops out
of school, starts hooking.


Night you saw her,
what was she wearing?

Uh, uh, to be honest,

I, I don't remember
what she had on.

More the shape underneath...

didn't leave so much
to the imagination.

She had me up
like a rock for five days.

Blue steel,
I don't mind telling you.

That's a lot of information.

Yeah, I'm not kidding you, man.

We've known each other ten years?


- A long time.
- Long time.

- Long time.
- Long time.

At least among
the guys on the force,

I consider you
a fairly knowledgeable...

connoisseur of ass.

I don't know where
you're going with this.


After the divorce,

you've had your fair share of tail.

You know, I'm just going by
the red head with the boots,

and the cousins down Cucharacha Way.

Who was that chick
you were with the other night?


She's my neighbor.

What did you do,
ring her doorbell,

- ask her for sugar, or something?
- She's a good girl.

She's got some issues.

I'm just trying to
loosen her up a little.

Point is, you like it.

- What?
- Ass!

You mean the actual buttocks
or the general region?

- What?
- The royal ass.

Women, dames, skirts.

Sure, I like them.

Yeah, well, see,
these guys today,

young guys on the force,

they don't seem to think
about it all that much.

Maybe, it's a generational shift.

Porn on the Internet,
I don't know.

You know, maybe,
I didn't think...

about it as much
when I was younger.

One day, it just hit me.


Full-blown epiphany.

Went from being a hobby
to a full-time occupation.

Chasing skirts?

Yeah, I don't know
when it happened.

I don't know why it happened.

At first,

it was because things...

were terrible with me and Eileen.


And then, it was
because she found out,

things between us got worse.


if you want ass,
there is no ass...

in the whole wide world...

like Jewel Kazinsky,

El Paso.

I'll keep that in mind.

I gotta go.

- You're gonna be all right?
- Sure.

We should call you a cab, Captain.

Uh, speak of the devil.

Is that your ex-wife?

Yes, it is.

You still got that photo?

The photograph you showed me?

Yes, sir.

- You got it?
- Excuse me.

What are you doing here?

I was thirsty.

Thousand bars in this county,
you gotta come here.

Yeah, I like the way
they mix their drinks.

You're something else.

Bar is big enough for both of us.

So why don't you go back to your corner
and I'll be right over here.

- You checking up on me?
- What is there to check up on?

What is it,
you like the aggravation?

Why are you so aggravated, Emmet?

What is it you're not telling me?

I'm not telling you anything,
don't have to any more.

I know you, you're here,
it's because you want something.

Well, rest assured,
it, it isn't you.




Yeah, I, uh...

I'm not really a prick, I, uh...

We just have a really bad
history of horrible chemistry.

Um, what's your name?


- You?
- Henry.

Hi, uh, could you do me a favor?

Could you convince her
to go to somewhere else?

We're not so good when
we're around each other.

Okay, if I back you up,
what do I get for my trouble?

What do you want?

We're hoping to score
some back rubs.

You're funny.
Keep it up, Junior.

Now, What?

Now, I got him.

Uh, you don't have anything.

He's on high alert,
he hates your guts,

and he's a cop.

Watch and learn.

Get us a dark booth.

Hey, man, where do you get
off calling me junior, huh?

Get your hands off me.

How would you like it
if I called you senior...

in front of your lady friends?

- Let go of my arm.
- Why are you so jumpy, man?

What part of this are you
not understanding, punk?

You come into this bar again,
I will kick your ass.

How'd it go?

We're even.

Not until you put this back.

I said pick his wallet,
not steal it.


Such a sweet, sweet man.

Why would you ever divorce him?

It's not here.

This a bad time?

- I was out of line.
- It's no big deal.

It's a pretty big deal.
Let me finish.

Francine may or
may not have told you,

you know, I've been battling...

anger management issues
for quite a chunk of time.

Emmet, this is not the time.

I respectfully disagree.

Now, I jumped on your friend here,

and made an ass out of myself,

and I like to think that
we're all grown up enough...

that I can rectify it,

and we can all enjoy our
evenings at the same location...

without it being awkward.

How's everyone doing over here?

- Another round?
- No.

Sure, my treat.

- Emmet, you really don't have to do that.
- I'm sorry I insulted you, man.

Hey, it happens.

Have we met?


I, I, I don't know, maybe.

- You a dancer?
- Here we go.

- Yes.
- Exotic.


I think I've gotten lapped by you.

Emmet has a photographic memory
of every exotic dancer east of the 405.

Now, now, now, let's not exaggerate.

Welcome to paradise.

Emmet, uh, Teri's going
through some stuff right now,

and, and I, I really, as much as
I appreciate the gesture,

I need some alone time
with her and her brother.

Her brother?

No disrespect.

All righty, that'll be $16 even.

Okay, let me get this.

Why don't I get this?

No, no, no, no, I insist.


All right.

- Keep it.
- Thank you.

You know, we, we, we gotta
get going anyways. So...

No, no, no, no.
No, stay.

I'll get out of your hair.

You guys, drink in peace.

I said what I came to say.

You look like a million bucks,
Detective Driver.

I guess that's that.

That is that?

You guys can go.

Why don't you come with us?


There's an after hours,
starts in a few minutes.

Oh, no.

I'm done for the night.

The night hasn't even started.

You guys are really going
somewhere else right now?

We haven't even danced yet.

Can't call it a night out
without a little dancing.

What do you say, Francine?

Let's get out of here.

This place is crawling with cops.

I have something for you.


You are a son of a bitch.

- I didn't look at it.
- Right.

- I swear to God.
- You look like an atheist to me.

Oh, no, I'm a believer.

I knew what it was right away.

But I figured if I looked at it,
it would wreck my chances.

Of what?

I've been trying to get
the nerve to ask you all night.

I want you to pose for me.

For a portrait.

Why me?

You have this...

- intangible quality.
- Try harder.

I'm cursed...

by the blossoming knowledge
of my feminine ideal...

and she looks suspiciously like you.

That's not bad.

It's pretty good, you mean.

Not a total waste?

How about the truth?

The truth is,
you're not my usual type.

What's your usual type?

Gaunt, fashionable, and dumb...

with a big square Appalachian ass,

and obsessed with country music.


Will you at least consider it?