Gingerdead Man Vs. Evil Bong (2013) - full transcript

It's a War of the Colossal Freaks when serial killing cookie, GINGERDEAD MAN, tracks down the lone survivor of his murderous rampage, SARAH LEIGH (Robin Sydney), to take care of unfinished business. But his devious plans go up in smoke when Sarah meets LARNELL (John Patrick Jordan), who has a pint-sized problem of his own. The EVIL BONG, EEBEE, has been unleashed once again. Bodies begin to pile up as Gingerdead Man carves a path for them. Their only salvation is to turn to help from the dastardly Bong. It's one tough cookie versus one bad trip mother when the two Titans of Terror hash out a war in the Bong World. The stakes have never been higher.

(Upbeat tropical music)

What a hot cookie.

[Voiceover] So sexy.

(Girls laughing)

He's so delicious.

(Girls moaning)

A little faster gals, I'm
starting to get a crust.

Don't you wanna
join us in the cabana?

Thank toots, but
I'm not feelin' it.

Oh, are you
feeling a bit crummy?

Just thinkin', if it
weren't for that stupid floozy

At that bakery who
turned me into this,

I'd be blowin' custard
all over all three of ya.

(Girls laughing)

Look at me, I'm
shootin' flour here.

Don't be so down on yourself.

I've been sitting on
my lard for far too long.

I promised my momma that
I'd finish what I started.

And I never lie to Mama.

It's high time that
I find that gal

And cut her down to size.

But how ya gonna find her?

What's this?


Holy shit!

[Voiceover] Who is it?

It's that bitch that
turned me into this

Tasty shell of a man.

What are ya gonna
do when you find her?

I'm gonna fuckin' kill her!

That's awesome!

(Girls laughing)

You're the best cookie!

[Voiceover] He's so hot!

(Suspenseful music)

(String grunting)

Would ya stop gruntin'
all over the merch, man?

That shit costs money.

Man, that shit's heavy!

You are wheezin' like
a beaver, bro Frazier.

You sure you're cut
out for this gig?

You aren't payin' me.

You are doin' a
great job, dude.

Just be careful with the goods.

All this shit is comin'
outta my own pocket.

How could I forget, you
sound like a broken record.

Take it down a notch,
Tarzan, you are at a nine

And I need ya at a six.

Fuck off!

That is blatant
insubordination right there,

Which is how an uprising starts.

Smack talk leads to
black helicopters,

And the ape resistance
is never far behind.

Man, I've been workin'
my ass off all day

Without so much as a break!

Handlin' all this
beautiful merchandise.

It's a shame none of it's
ever been tested first.

Well, we don't sell
used merchandise.

All right, say I'm
a paying customer

And I wanted to buy this
right here, and I promised

A couple hot ass bitches
to get 'em flyin'.

Then it's all plugged
up, don't even work!

Then they bring it
back as defective.

Dude, it's more
than defective man,

I didn't get laid
because of you.

You wanna get a rap
as a cock blocker?

You got a good point,
you don't have the hooch,

Ya don't get the pooch.

(Lighter fires)

Give me some of
that before I revolt.

(String inhaling)

(String coughing)

You are a beast
with that bong.

Cool it down man, you're
gonna start a tornado in here.

This is how I let society
keep the boot around my neck.

Otherwise, I'd be a
rager emerged world.

Incredibly creepy.

What's all the
commotion out here?

Your body is a wonderland.

We're just settin'
up shop out here.

Looks like it.

(Music of wonderment)

Ya know, if that mail
away business course

Taught me anything,
rewarding employees

Begets higher profits.

He looks rewarded, doesn't he?

Pull my string baby.

Maybe not so much with the
happy from now on, Lerno.

Yeah, might've been
a bit overzealous.

Just a tad, but you always
have the best of intentions

Which is why you're going
to be a huge success.


(Psychedelic music)

Those fairies are a good
idea for the shop, bro.

Employee discount!

- We'll talk about it.
- Yeah!

[Larnell] How's
the office lookin'?

Everything is in its
place, and the computer

Is all set up.

Thanks tiny dancer, ya know
I couldn't do this without ya.

Hey, you did all the heavy
lifting, I'm just here to help.

Speaking of, how'd you get
into the business anyways?

Well, that's a long story.

And a really messed up one.

Tellin' ya, they should make
a movie about this shit.

It all started when I was a
worker drone, like yourself.

Not a business man like I am
now, but we'll get to that.

(Upbeat rap music)

Large bong for sale,
originally purchased

In the 1960's in New Orleans.

Recently deceased owner
claims it was possessed.

[Larnell] My best buds
and I were slackers right,

Always gettin' stoned and buyin'

Stupid crap off the
Internet, then one day

We get this knock on the door,

And the best worst package
of our lives showed up.

Are you Larnell?

What do you want, bro?

Package for ya.

Larnell, perhaps
it's the item?

[Larnell] Item.

You've been waiting for?

Item I've been waiting for.

Yeah, that's it.

It's the item you've
been waiting for.

(Upbeat rap music)

[Larnell] It was
beautiful, man.

And then, it turned
into a nightmare.

You won't believe it dude,
but that bong was evil.

It was an evil freakin' bong.

It's name, Ebee, and
she was a nasty bitch.

Once you smoke from it,
ya get taken into the

Bong World, where your
deepest desires come true.

Only it turns your
desires against you.

(Man groaning)



(Disembodied whispers)

(Rock music)

[Ebee] Welcome honey,
welcome, make yourself at home.

(Voice laughing)

We have everything
here that you desire.

Goth boobs, huh?

That's cool, that's cool.

(Skulls growling)

Oh that feels good.

(Man screaming)

It's the bong, man, it's evil.

Well if it's
dangerous, then why'd you

Put it up for sale?

I didn't put it
up for sale, man.

My wife, she sold it
man, I had it in storage.

She sold all my shit, man.

Sold my Hot Wheels collection,
man I miss those little cars.

How do we stop it?

Stop what?

The bong?

I don't think it
can be stopped, man.

[Ebee] I could
take him with my

Hands tied behind
me, come on, come on!

You know you not
gonna win, Jimbo baby!

Yeah, but I ain't
gonna lose either.

Put this in your
pipe, you evil bitch.

No, no, no!

(Bomb explodes)

I can't believe we
got outta there alive.

I got so high once,
I woke up in a zoo.

They kept feedin' me so I
stayed there for a week.

(Man laughs)

Nice work.

Well I haven't even gotten
to the good stuff yet.

(Mystical music)

Hey, any of you dingle
berries know where we are?

I think maybe we took a
wrong turn at the river.

Dude, we took a
wrong turn at Kimona,

This was the dumbest idea.

No, it wasn't.

Look, in order to
cure your afflictions,

We need to research
the bong's origins,

We need to find where
Jimbo bought the bong,

In order to do that, we
need to find where he was

Serving in the peace
corps in the 60's.

Ah, cannibal chick!

Who are you guys,
and what do you want?

We, my name is Allister
and we're from California.

We seem to be a bit lost, Miss...


[Larnell] We thought we
were rid of Ebee for good,

But like a bad buzz she
came back with a vengeance.

But when it came to King
Bong, she was a sweetheart.

Oh man, it's the
evil fuckin' bong.

Who put her back together?

Well, it's good
to see you too.

Welcome to the jungle, mofo!

Look, there's
another one of 'em.

Glad you took that dick out
yo ass so you could see me!

It's amazing, it appears to
have been here for centuries!

Oh but I still got it, suga!

Let me know if you ever want
a little taste of this, hmm?

This bong can talk too,
just like the other one?

Don't let him play
ya girl, he ain't

All he's talked up to be.

[Larnell] And I
haven't even mentioned

The Poontang Tribe.

Must be the Poontang Tribe.

I'll say!

Oh, you don't understand,
there's never been any proof

That they ever existed.

No one's ever seen them before.

(Man screaming)

OK girls.

(Laser beam shooting)
(man screaming)

[King Bong] Oh yeah.

Ah, what happened
to the delivery dude?

He's right there,
on the floor.

Come on now girls, show
'em what you're workin' with.

Help, I'm a fuckin' doobie!

[Both] He's tiny!

Now! Ah!

Wait, what the hell
is goin' on over here?

Wait a minute, what is that!

Boy, you'd better give
me that necklace back,

Don't you touch that necklace.

You know how much money
I spent on that shit.

You better not, boy,
ow why you gotta,

Boy I will whoop your monkey
ass, do you understand me?

Don't you hit me again,
please don't hit me!

Please, I'm gonna
have to kill you!

Ow, Mama!

Somebody please!

(Bong mumbling)

(Bong exploding)

You left one thing
out of your story.

They were skanks?

We are so done
talking about them.


Your grandpa, don't
forget about him,

God rest his soul.

Oh, I've been tryin'
to forget about gramps,

But not enough good weed
in the world can do that.

Hey now, he played an
important part in all of this.

He sure did, that
insulting old turd.

(Bright twinkling)

What the fuck
are you doing here?

Well if that's the
way you're gonna play it

Then that's on a
need to know too.

What you need to
know, sonny boy,

Is that if your ensy
weensy teeny little penis

Was a worm on a hook, it
wouldn't feed a God d*#* guppy!

Hey, how 'bout I just
leave you two to your

Little love fest here, OK?

Who was it summoned
the good doctor?

That'd be me, Gramps.

[Grandpa] You?

Actually Gramps, we
kinda need your help.

The only help you're
likely to get from me

Is a retroactive abortion.

[Larnell] He's
the one who led us

Into that jungle
in the first place.

I have it all under
control, Earth. (Laughs)

Shit, Larnell was
right, these aliens are

Gonna totally work us over!

[Larnell] And then that
alien bong fell to Earth,

And he thought he could
use it to take over

The world's weed business.

(Man making karate noises)

[Alien Bong] Oh, I feel
that something is amiss.

No, no, no!

(Electric noises)

(Bong exploding)

We barely got outta
there alive, again.

Yeah, but if it
wasn't for your gramps,

We would never have met.

Every rose has its
freakin' thorn, man.

That's the biggest crock
of shit I've ever heard, man.

Alien bongs, king
bongs, evil bongs...


Eat a dick, Dick!

The hardest part to
believe is you got friends.

Where are they, call 'em up.

Well, we don't talk
about them anymore.

Hey baby, why don't ya
go out with a real man?

Once you go small, you're
never gonna go tall.

You are the worst
employee ever, freak!

How am I gonna build an
empire on your shoulders?

You're not.

OK, while you two
lovebirds sort this out,

I've got a real job to go to.

Oh, don't go yet babe.

I'll come back after work.

(Sighs) That's cool,
but bein' the boss

Is a lot tougher than I thought.

Hey, keep your
eye on the prize.

Big profits, big
future, big ring!

The biggest.

You know, we've never
really talked about it,

But I am so glad that evil
bong is nowhere to be found.

Oh yeah, it's long gone.

I don't know if
it was destroyed

Or lost to time and space, but
I'm just glad that it's gone.

And I hope it stays that way.

Of course it's gonna
stay that way, I mean

Why wouldn't it, she is
gone for good, totally gone.

Never gonna come back.

Are you OK?

Yeah, perfect,
perfect, I am perfect.

Completely fine.

You're acting weird.

Well that's what
studs act like.

OK, I'll see ya later.

Love you.

Love you dude.

(Sighs) She makes me
wanna touch myself.

(Suspenseful music)

(Bell rings and door opens)

(Door closes)

(Slow drum beat)

Well it's time to make
some greenbacks, Tarzan.

Now listen, I want
ya to keep an eye on

Those two morphodites.


Well, to my trained
eye, they look like

People of nefarious taste.

Check it out.

That's nice.

To my untrained eye,
they're in a head shop,

And they're your only
customers all day.

See, this is why
I'm the big boss man.

Watch and learn Romeo.

Phase one is to make
the customers believe

Ya have a superior product.


So what the hell are
you two lookin' for?

We were maybe in the
market to procure a,

Like bong or somethin'.

Well freaks, I'm sorry
to tell you that you are

In the wrong place for
such dubious treasures.

We don't sell bongs, we
are solely in the business

Of selling water pipes.

(Scoffs) Cut the shit, Dick.

My name's not Dick, that's
just the name of the dude

Who used to run this place.

I am the new purveyor
of this establishment,

And my name's Larnell.

Whatever, people
don't use these things

To blow bubbles, we wanna
score a gnarly bong,

And we wanna blaze
our future away, man.

Yeah! We got
like, cash and shit.



Well phase one's
accomplished, ya wanna know

What phase two is?

Yeah, kill the
shit out of 'em.

Completely false, phase two,
we up sell the poor bastards.

(Clears throat)

Well I see you guys
have taken a liking to

Some of our inferior
products, but what I think

You really want, is something
along the lines of this, hmm?

This is the mother of all
paraphernalia, my friend.

Look Dick...


We just wanna get so high,
our future great grandchildren

Are like, disappointed.

Yeah, and we ain't buyin'
anything until we try it first.

Ya wanna try it
before you can buy it?

That's right, and if you
got a problem with that,

We're outta here man.

Well I'd like to see ya try.

Pinochle, just seein'
how serious ya were.

We're like, fucking serious.

Then allow me to demonstrate.

(Bag rustling)

Get a little bit of
the sacred plant here.

Ya just...

(Ominous music)

Sweet mother of pearl.

Now that is some of the finest
bud you will ever smoke.

Smokin' skunk outta this baby,
like fartin' in a Corvette.

Wanna take it for a test drive?


Strap it up.

Like on my head?

Dude, ya do it like this.


Now you're gonna
wanna take a nice,

Long smooth toke.

(Man inhaling)

Suck it in, breathe it in deep.

Ya notice how smooth it
is, but it's got some

Serious Beyonce ass
behind it, right?

That's some rad weed, Dick!

I mean, I'm not sure,
I'll have to try it again.

Yeah, me too.


(Bells ringing and door opening)

(Hokey music)

(Rings bell)

Hello, hello.

I got this one.

Remember squire,
phase one and phase two.

Gotcha, it's workin'
wonders for you so far.


What do ya want, pig?

I've been workin' on
a line of merchandise

That I think'll be
perfect for your store.

(Native music)

What the fuck is
that supposed to be?

Ooga booga.

I'll be frank with you,
old Hambo could use

A bit of coin, a little
light in the hay loft.

I was thinkin' we
could maybe work out

Some other kind of a
trade or a consignment,

Somethin' like that, what
do ya say, what do ya say?

Yeah piggy, I could help
ya out all right. (Laughs)

Ya know, I'm just
gonna hang right here and

Wait for your pal
over there, OK, OK?

(Couple speaking in
a foreign language)

Help you?

(Speaking in a foreign language)

This ain't the
fucking zoo, Wang!

(Speaking in a foreign language)


But I'd totally Pokemon
your chick! (Laughs)

Boobzilla unleashed.

(Speaking in foreign language)

Look Chen, what
are ya gonna buy?

No buy.

Yes buy.

No, no, no, no, no, no
I, yes, direction, OK?

Car broken, no buy OK?

Not OK, you drove your
stupid asses in here

To buy some expensive
shit, that's what ya did!

(Speaking in a foreign language)

Direction, gotcha.

I gotcha all right.

(Speaking in a foreign language)

Oh, this is too much. (Laughs)

You help me?

Not a chance, but can
I take your picture?


Clickie, clickie.

Oh OK picture, OK.

Yeah, yeah, OK.

Mean little dude, you
move, chicky, chicky move,

Yeah yeah, that's
right, that's right.

You, OK now, hold your
steering wheel out a little

Like that, that's it.

Come on, oh that's
it, that's it!

Big, come on, come on,
a big smile for me.

A big, big smile, that's it.

(Pig laughing)

I can't beelieve
how perfect this is.

(Pig laughing)

This is exactly what
I was looking for.

Thank ya a lot, that'll do.

(Pig laughing)

(Couple speaking in
a foreign language)

(Whirling music)

(Couple speaking in
a foreign language)

Fuck you man, next
time, I kill you!

Next time I come in,
I kill you, fuck you!

(Door opens)

OK dudes, you've test
driven everything I got,

And you've smoked
all my best weed.

Look, don't be
like a dick, Dick.

It's time to put your
money where your zit face is.

We don't have any money!

But ya said ya had
like tons of cash.

Yeah, but thanks
for getting us, like

Totally fucked up, Dick!

Yeah Broheim, the
children are our future so,

Our future's totally fucked bro!

String, escort these
d bags outta my shop.

(Stoners laughing)

Get the fuck out!

(Door opening)

(Suspenseful music)

No one's ever gonna
guess this mondo combo.

(Suspenseful music)

(Ebee mumbling)

If Felicity knew about you, I'd
be ankle deep in horse shit.

You are one nasty bitch, dude.

But somehow, I am gonna
figure out your secrets.

Gramps willed ya to
me when he croaked.

He was such an
ass hole, used you

For all his ass hole
schemes, but I think

You can be used for good, man.

But until I figure
that out, you are

Nothin' but a paperweight.

(Ebee mumbling)


She thrives on weed, if I
keep her deprived of it,

She'll be cool, I think.

(Door opens)


(Ebee mumbling)

Those d bags give ya
any trouble out there?


What took ya so long?

Well just keep your eye out, OK?

That was some sweet
Kush they were smokin'.

I got a feelin' they'll be back.

I got a feelin' they won't.

Again, the reason why
I'm the head honcho,

Lindsey Brohan, ya
gotta have extra sensory

Perception to be the big
boss man around here.

Now keep your eye out,
I feel like trouble's

Gonna be walkin' through
that door any second.

I'm gonna do some big boss
man shit over here, OK?

(Cash register rings)

Let's see here.

(Door opens and closes)

Hello sir, how are
you on this fine day?

I don't answer
personal questions.

Are you the proprietor
of this store?

Does not compute, bro.

Are you the owner?

Not yet.

And whom might the owner be?

That would be...




That's the one.

It's so good to see you!

No it's not, I told
you I never wanted to

See you again, as
long as I live.

Easily arranged.

Every time I see you,
it's a giant pain in my ass.

Oh, I assure you, my friend,
I have changed my ways.

I've heard that
tune before, man.

It sucked the first time,
really blew the second time,

And the third time
was total butt vomit.

I have learned from
my past mistakes.

Really, because the
last time I saw you,

You were a priest.

That was a momentary
lapse of reason.

Are you aware that
it's frowned upon to

Grow weed at a monastery?

Fuckers, the sacred
plant is God's gift

For bad days and ass holes.

That's what I said, and
apparently it's a huge no no

Selling it out of confessionals.

Total buzz kill.


I don't care man, OK?

I'm movin' on and
I'm not lookin' back.

You and I are more alike
than you think, my friend.

I too am a business man.

He's a travelin' salesman.

That's true, and the
outdoors is my office.

Well then, why don't you
go back to your office?

There's the door.

Hey, give me a
minute, would ya?

I didn't know this was your
store when I walked into it.

And a fine store it is, too.

Where are the other guys?

Yeah, where are they?

We don't talk
about them anymore.


Gotcha, and if I
may say, you were

Always the brainiac
of the group.

Yeah, Larnell, you're doin'
good, you're gonna do good,

You're already doin'
good, look at this place!

Ya know, you may be
interested in what your

Old friend Rabbit
has in this case.

Maybe, but probably not.

But, for old times sake,
you've got exactly one minute.


(Sinister music)



That's Ebee.

That's right, all
handcrafted, branded,

Official merchandise based
on that damn evil bong.

But you don't own
the rights to Ebee.

Does it really matter?

Ya know, really?

It's not like she's
really around.

I gotta admit it's
some really gnarly merch.

Yep, told ya.

You won't find this
anywhere else, my friends.

I'm the sole maker,
supplier, distributor

In the Western Hemisphere
of the known universe,

That's a pretty wide
area of penetration,

If I do says so myself.

And I even have a few
trademarks in the works.

So you're keeping all
the profits for yourself.

Yes, I mean no.

Ya know Larnell, it was Kizmit

That I walked into
your store today.

Maybe, but probably not.

Every time I see you Rabbit,
it's like I'm getting

Finger blasted in my ass
hole with a razor blade.

Let me make it up
to ya, Larnell, here.

A little medicine for Papa?

Let's see here.

It's all sticks and skunk, man.

It's worthless.

It's still got
a good kick to it.

You're not gettin'
anything in my shop

Unless ya pay for it.

Well, I wish there
was something I could,

You were always kind
of goodish to me.

Well that cookie
looks pretty tasty.

That cookie looks
pretty tasty, Rabbit.

(Rabbit moaning)

My groin's all
tingly. (Laughs)

I can't believe I'm sayin'
this about a cookie but,

That is one sexy lookin' cookie.

Ya know where I can get one?

It's a brand new
bakery down the street,

Dough Re Mi Bakery, it's
run by this real hot chick.

She reminded me of Luann.

Oh whoa, didn't ya
read the sign, man?

Every time I hear that
chick's name it's like

A bad acid trip.

Sorry Larnell.

Did you come back into my
life just to torture it, huh?

It's just been a long day,
man, all I can think about

Are those damn cookies.

Where was that place again?

It's close by,
you can walk there.

All right shoestring,
now I want ya to

Man the joint, OK?

Keep an eye on this guy.

Don't let him touch
anything or do anything.

Rabbit, now I want ya
to sit in that back room

And not do anything.

Don't touch anything,
don't say anything, kapish?

You don't have
to worry about me!

Famous last words.

(Door opens and closes)

(People talking)

(Curious music)

What can I get ya?

What one's the
hardest one to reach?



Oh nothing, uh, uh, uh...

I want this one.

No! Not that one!

I really had my heart set
on this one right here.

No! Not that one.

They're all the same.

No they're not.

This one's much better.

Okie Doke.

Oh that's it, that's the one.

I can't seem to
get my hands on it.

Oh you will, just keep tryin'.

(Man moaning)

Oh, hey!


Hey, I told you the
other day to get outta here

And I meant it!

Got it!

We're cool.

Next time I see you,
I'm callin' the cops.

Yeah, get out!

(Door opens)

I can't believe some people.

(Door shuts)

That was really hard
core of you though, I mean

I've never seen you bark
like that at somebody before.

Believe me, the old me
would've never talked like that.

Certain things in
life changes you.

If you don't mind my asking,
what was the turning point?

I don't like to talk about it.

But, let me just say, that
it taught me life's a gift,

And it's far too short to
take crap from anybody.

You have to stand up, stick
up, and fight for what's right

If you're gonna make
it in this world.

Because nobody is
gonna do it for you.

Whoa you sounded just
totally like the Terminator!

(Women laugh)

Oh, and speaking of
moving up in the world...

(Woman laughs)

The paper came.

I haven't read it yet, I
wanted you to read it first.

Front page of how
great the bakery is?

Can you believe it?

Best in the city!

Well, what's it say?

Nothing, it's just
a stupid article.

Bake for her life,
blah, blah, blah.

Dough Re Mi, yea!

Lone survivor of the serial
killer Millard Findelmeyer?

That's you?

I'm so irritated at
that stupid reporter.

She said she wouldn't
mention that part of my life.

Just focus on the bakery.

Well ya have to
admit, I mean, it's a

Pretty good sellin' point.

You're a celebrity!

Come on, tell me the
whole story, I mean,

There is always more.

I just really
wanna forget about

The whole thing, really, OK?

I'll never bring it
up again, pinky swear.

I always loved diners,
and I dreamed of owning one

On my own at one point,

Until that day.

(Sparkling music)

And I'm required to do what
my mother always taught me,

And that's to finish
what I started.

And I'm not gonna kill ya,
but I have to honor my mother.

(Suspenseful music)

Can't, Mother.

(gun fires)


[Sarah] I gave up the
diner dream, of course.

My mom and I, we opened
up a small bakery instead.

It also says here,
that after they fried him

In the chair, they
cremated him, and sent his

Ashes to his mother
in Coonsboro.

How sick is that!

[Sarah] Somehow he
came back as a cookie,

And he killed all my
friends and family.

(Electricity sparking)

(Disembodied whispers)

(Gingerdead man laughing)

But I got him in the end.

That's my story,
that's who I am today.

Whoa, that explains the
funky gingerbread cookies.

They're about your real
story with that psycho.

I struggled for years
to get that outta my life.

Finally I just
decided to own him.

Ya know, it's a part of me.

When life gives you lemons,
I make gingerbread men.

You are a freakin' super hero.

I am not a hero. (Laughs)

I'm just somebody who
did the right thing.

But you're normal.

I mean, most of the time
you meet survivors and,

You know, they're not like you.

What, they wear capes
and utility belts?

No but, ya know, like
they get all messed up,

And then they walk around
smellin' like cat pee.

I was almost the cat pee
lady, I couldn't bake for years.

I couldn't even be around
flour or eggs without

Freaking out, and then one
day, something just changed.

Like, a switch was flicked.

And I realized that
life has to go on.

I got Millard in the end,
and if I stop livin' my life

Because of him, that means
that he would've won.


Don't make a big deal
about it, I'm over it!

I just want the world
to enjoy my cookies.

Well, if that's your goal,
then maybe you should've

Started with that
perv back there.


(Women laughing)

All I know is that Millard
Findelmeyer is dead, OK?

He won't be bothering
anybody anymore.

(Crowds talking)

Hey, how's it goin'?

Good, how can I help you?

Name's Larnell, I
actually own a store

Right down the street and
I was hopin' maybe we could

Talk some business, but
first, I have gotta get

One of those cookies.


So fuckin' good.

I got you now, bitch.

I always thought because
you turned me into this,

You could reverse it
somehow, but I want you dead

Just as much as I
wanna be a man again,

Gonna make Mama proud tonight.

(Rabbit humming)

Larnell said don't
touch anything.

(Laughs) Larnell said
don't say anything.


Oh maybe he's right, I
can't control my urges.

Well screw you Larnell, some
stallions can't be fenced in.

I'll show you skunk and sticks.

(Ebee mumbling)

I knew this was good,
I'm hearing the angels.

(Disembodied mumbling)

Keep talkin' lady, I'll find ya.

(Ebee mumbling)


(Laughs) Oh dang, 420.

(Laughs) What kind of
idiot would do such an

Obvious combination to, Larnell.

Holy shit!

Get me outta here!

I really don't think I should.

Come on!


Get me mother fucker!

(Ebee moaning)

I never thought I'd see
the likes of you again.

Remove the gag!


Come on!

Come on!

(Ebee mumbling)

I've kinda overstepped my
boundaries already, I think.

Shit for brains, open...

Hey, there's no call for that.

Come on!

I'll do it on one condition.


You keep your voice
down, and you don't

Tell Larnell about any of
this, he'll tan my hide.


That sounds like a deal.

Ah, Ah!


Oh yeah!

Been in there a long time?

Woo, been in that
fuckin' safe forever!

It's been lonely
in there, huh?

Oh, mm mm mm!


You seem a little out
of it, I'm not sure if

Weed is the right thing
for you right now.

Your weed, cracker!

What about my weed?

It brought me
back, weed is life.

(Laughs) Tell me about it.

Shut up stupid.

Hey, I'm a little cranky
too when I first wake up

And I just, the way this
conversation is going

I'm just gonna let it pass.

Listen, listen, listen!

Your weed sucks!

It isn't strong enough.

Beggars can't be choosers
lady, this is all we got.

Baby, I need some real Kush,

To make me whole again.

Well, sorry.

Check that place, come
on, check it, come on!


Yeah, that's right.

Oh hey!

Yeah baby, that's what I'm
talkin' about, smoke that shit!

Come on, smoke it, come on!

(Laughs) I really shouldn't.

Don't you wanna see some
fine ass titties, hmm?


Put it in me baby, come on!

OK, I shouldn't be doin' this
I don't think, but fuck it.

Come on baby, pack me.

Come on baby!

Make me feel good,
come on with it!

Woo yeah!

That's right, come
on, come on, come on.

Oh now, suck me, woo
yeah baby, suck me!

Woo yeah!

Oh that's right, woo Lord!

Baby I am back!

What the...

What the hell is
goin' on in here!

Holy shit dip!

Get your little ass over
here and smoke this shit.

(String screaming)

Get back here, come back here!

Mm, man these are
fuckin' awesome.

Thank you!

Sorry about the
language, just don't know

How else to describe 'em.

I'll take whatever
compliment comes my way.

Holy shit ass hole,
do you ever shut up?

Go on and get outta here so
I can get to killin' already!

So I was sayin' that I own
this store down the street.

Ya know, I'm thinkin' that
your bakery and my store

Might have a little
synergistical chemistry.

Ya know, maybe we can do a
little cross-promotionalization?

Somethin' to kinda
help us both out?

How's that?

Well, seems like your
bakery is in the business

Of curing the munchies,
while my store is in the

Business of providing the
munchies, so to speak.

What kinda store do
you say you own again?

Ya know Dick Head Shop?

I mean, Dick's Head
Shop, that one.

Is that the one in the empty
space next to the eyesore?

No, I actually
own the eyesore.

Oh, I'm sorry,
that is not my thing.

Look, I promise you it'll
be worth your time, OK?

I've totally turned things
around, it's actually

Pretty nice inside,
all classy and shit.

I don't know.

Well, of course ya don't know
because ya haven't seen it.

Come on, give me five
minutes and I promise ya

You will change your mind.

What do ya say dude, totally
respectable environment.

What do ya say?

You wanker, I saw her first.

She's mine.

Just like that horrible
Boys II Men song,

I'm gonna get on bended knee.

(Laughs) OK, for five minutes.

You headin' out?

Do you promise you and
Larry won't blow the place up

While I'm gone?

Scout's honor.

(Woman laughs)

Awesome, peace.

(Gasps) Shit, don't do that!

(Larry laughing)

I couldn't resist.


Sorry honey, looks
like you're next.

(Female laughs)

Sarah's gonna fire
us both if we don't

Get these cookies done!

Screw the cookies, I'm
more interested in your buns.

She said she'd be
back in five minutes!

Good, then we can
do it twice. (Laughs)

(Upbeat techno music)

Oops! (Laughs)

(Larry mumbles)


(Larry laughs)

(Suspenseful music)

(Couple laughing)

(Gingerdead man growling)

Yeah, makes me
wanna kneed my dough.

(Larry moaning)

Where are you going?

I gotta clean up
before Sarah gets back.

I don't think I can walk yet.

(Suspenseful music)

I prefer semi-sweet, honey.

(Woman screams)

(Gingerdead man laughing)

(Suspenseful music)

You call that a long john?

How 'bout some crushed nuts!

(Larry screams)

(Gingerdead man laughs)

You work for a nice appetizer.

Now for the main course.

(Door opening)

Well as you can see, we're
still kinda settin' up,

But we've made a
lot of progress.

It's actually a lot nicer
than I thought it would be.

I told ya I run
a smooth operation.

(Larnell screams)

We need to talk about somethin'.

Can't you see I'm with a VIP?

It's really fucking
important, bro.

This here is the finest
selection of water pipes

On the market.

Notice the quality.

I'm sorry, I'm just not so
sure it's good for the bakery

To be in business
with a head shop.

I have nothing against
it for medical purposes...

Ya know, I never touch
the stuff, I never have.

I'm only in this for
the business, and I'd

Never sell to somebody
who doesn't have a limp.

Mm hmm.

Check this out.

It's actually kinda beautiful.


Despite what it's used for.

Some people even
collect it like it's art.


I like your shirts.

Thanks, it's like one
stop shoppin', ya know.

Like Target?

Smells like a cookie.

Oh, yeah?


Who's Luann?

What's up, stupid?

Ha ha, ah, ugh I heard
you bought this dump.


Who's the skank?

Your girlfriend?

Hey, don't talk
to her like that,

She's a very important
business woman.

No, I'd never.

(Gasp) You should.

I bet you do slut, a lot.

Oh, I really
do, and I love it.

That's what I've heard.

Mm, from your daddy?

Get outta my face before...

Oh I'd love to see
you try something.

Oh I don't try, I do!

Then do it, skanky legs.

Whoa, ladies, relax OK?


So, where are your queer
bait friends, by the way?

Leave 'em alone, Luann.

They're happy...

Yeah dude, I wanna hear this.

Where are those
friends of yours?

OK, I'll say it
once and that's it.

Allister engineered and improved

Zero gravity shitters
for the space station.

(Luann laughs)

Apparently there was a
big problem with that.

And well, Bachman and Brett,
you know what happened.

- Say it.
- Say it, dude.

Well, I shoulda
seen it comin'.

It was so obvious,
all the giggling, the

Glassy-eyed longing looks.

High fives turned into low
fives, if ya know what I mean.

And Monkey, just a
code word for, ya know.

Anyway, they got
hitched in San Fran,

And they're running
a Pilates studio.

That is my favorite
bedtime story.

Ya know what Luann,
I am in the middle of

A business meeting,
now can you get out?

I want Brett, I want Brett!

Bring Brett to me please!
Out, out.


(Door opens and shuts)

(Larnell sighs)

That was interesting.

Sorry about that,
wasn't very professional.

It was really professional.


I would've knocked
her block off.

Well I guess the deal's off?

Not at all, I like the way
that you handled it. (Laughs)

I'll do it.

For reals?

Mm hmm, I have faith in you.

Maybe just make up some
signs and I'll put it

In the bakery, and then
I'll do the same for you?

Yeah, awesome, I
knew you'd come around.

It's gonna be cool.

(Laughs) Well, I
need to get back.

When the cat's away...

Don't I know it.


There's a wicked bitch
in the office, and that

Stupid dude smoked
off the bitch, and now

The dude is gone, dude!

Why didn't ya say
somethin' Lindsay Brohan?

Is somebody hurt?

I'm not fuckin'
goin' in there!

(Larnell screams)

What in the name
of Don Cheadle?

That's right
cracker, I'm alive,

And I'm pissed the fuck off!

What is goin' on in here?

Oh, you gonna get it,
right up your skinny ass!

Dude, this can not
be happening right now,

But it's Rabbit
we're talkin' about,

So of course it's happening.

What'd you do with him?

I didn't do shit
to that grease ball,

He did it to himself.

He couldn't
resist ya, could he?

Of course not dummy,
and it was easy.

Promised that horn dog
a titty, and he was

Suckin' on me like a baby.

Figures, well it was
nice knowin' ya Rabbit,

'Cause I'm not savin'
ya this time, man.

I am not goin' back into
the Bong World again,

Ya stupid son of a bitch.

Ha! That's what you think!

(Bong laughs)

Do you mind explaining to me

What the hell is goin' on here?

Well I don't think I can,
but just so ya don't think

I'm completely crazy...

(Inhaling smoke)

(Slow-paced music)

(Deep growling)

(Gingerdead man screams)
(String screams)

Hey doughnut hole.

That's really messed up.

I told ya so, dude.

Oh baby, you know you
wanna come suck on me,

I'm a real woman!

That bitch is so skinny,
there's no milk in her cartons.

Mm mm mm.

Shut up, ya little she devil.

I need to think.

Oh child, look honey, I
don't shut up, I grow up.

And when I see
you, I fuck you up!

What are you gonna do?

I don't know, man.

I gotta have some pacin' room.

Hey, whatcha doin',
wait, wait, whatcha doin',

Put me down boy!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, wow!

Hey, oh no, nice new
digs ya got here!

Too bad you gonna die in it!

Can't you shut her up?

No, she's not gonna stop
until she gets what she wants.

And what is that exactly?

Well, she wants
us to smoke from her

So she can get stronger.

I'm sorry to disappoint
you lady, but I don't

Do that type of thing.

Oh you will chicken head.

String, oh come on
man, where'd ya go?

Now is not the time
to bug out on us.

Oh honey, he gone!


Gone where?

(Sarah screams)

I found him.

[Ebee] Ew Lord
that's a bad way to go!

(Couple screaming)

Ginger-vitis man!

Now kiss your ass good bye!

Who the hell was that?

I also have a past.

An aggressive one, dude!

Oh, way to go lame ass, how
they supposed to smoke from me

When ya just scared 'em off?

Shut your pie hole.

What the hell are you anyway?

What the hell am I?

What the fuck are you?

I'm your worse
nightmare, if ya keep

Lippin' off like that.

Whatever, fuck newton,
and check that bow tie

Poindexter, your mama dress you?

Don't you ever
mention my mama again.

Mama issues, huh?

Happens to the best of 'em.

You wanna see your
mama again, don't ya?

I wanna kill that
bitch in the next room.

Then see my mama.

I can make that
happen, ya know.

I can make all your
deepest desires a reality.

You can make me a man again?

Instead of a fucking cookie?

Oh yes, anything
you want baby.

Don't crumble on me,
but first you gotta do

Somethin' for me.

What's that?

All ya have to do, is
wrap that sassy mouth

Around me and take a toke.

Just one is all it takes.

That sounds great
lady, but I'll save

The victory high for later.

I got some unfinished
shit to attend to first.

You'll be back, ya
crazy mother fucker.

(Gingerdead man struggling)

Why'd I come in here again?

To save me, I would hope.

Well, I do have a white
knight quality about me.

[Gingerdead man] Fuckin' ax.

But I digress, there is no
way out of this room dude!

(Larnell screams)

Here's Gingy!

We are goners if he gets
through that door, dude.

Don't you have
any weapons in here?

No, this is a
respectable establishment.

Stand back little lady,
I'm about to do some

Jean Claude Van Damage.

(Making karate noises)

[Gingerdead man] Fuck!

Damn, maybe it's a
smoke show in here.

- Mm, weed!
- We gotta do this.

Now is not the time for that.

It's our only chance.

I knew you'd come back, stud.

Yeah, pack that shit good.

I'm so tight!

Now the only way this
is gonna work is if we

Both take a hit
at the same time.

Not a chance.

Oh prude!

I thought you
didn't do that shit.

If there were an
Olympics for smokin' weed,

I'd be the all time champ.

I'm gonna use your
spleen as a candy dish.

This champ's about
to save your life.

Come on baby, come on,
come on, toke me, suck me.

Oh yeah, oh yeah,
oh yeah, oh yeah!

Whew Lord, ah
welcome to my world!

Ah, mm mm mm, that felt good!

Holy shit, that
bitch is slippery!

You want her, you
gotta go get her.

Listen, she ain't
ever gettin' outta me.

You know what you gotta
do, come on, come on baby.

And then I'll be
a man again, right?

You'll be a cock
bull stud, woo yeah!

What the hell,
I've done worse.

You got any Sabbath around here?

Sure we have, come on.

Take it in!
Shit, that's harsh!

Oh child, you don't
even know the half of it,

My little cookie man.

(Gingerdead man screaming)
(crickets chirping)

(Suspenseful music)

What is this place?

Well, it's whatever
you want it to be.

Why a jungle?

Oh I've seen it before,
your deepest desires

Become a reality, but
like a fun house mirror

At a super shitty carnival.

(Shimmering music)

That's not so bad then.

Oh it's bad, everything
gets all twisted

And turns against ya,
so it's best if ya

Just keep your mind
blank Mila Brovovich.

It's probably easier
for you than me.

(Dog barks)

You're gonna get creamed!

Dat right, man.

(Speaking in foreign language)

(Sarah laughs)

- You who!
- What?

I'm not a hoe, I
just needed da dough!

(Sarah laughs)



That's kinda weird.

I was expecting
something better.

This place sucks, lying bitch!

There's somebody in here.

Hey, that's me,
handsome son of a bitch.

Just wait pal, I'll be
you again soon enough.

I smell something in the air.

Smells feminine.

(Loud scream)

Step off cracker!

Who the fuck are you?

You really askin'
who the fuck am I?

I am King Bong, and I'm
the bad ass mother fucker

Who's about to fuck you up.

Well, King Dong,
I'd like to see ya

Come down here and try.

Aw shit, who the fuck you
think you're talkin' to, hmm?

Just another douche bag.

Oh, how dare you speak
to me in that tone!

Whatever bug eyes,
how the fuck do I

Get outta here anyway?

Oh, you think you can just
walk your gay cookie ass

The fuck up outta here?

You ain't nothin'
but a punk ass bitch.

I got business to
attend to first, but yeah.

Many have tried
and failed, baby.

And if King Bong, with my
fine, sexy self, can't get

The fuck up outta
here, then yo punk ass

Shouldn't even think
about tryin'. (Laughs)

Lack of direction, huh?

Not to mention legs.

(King Bong laughs)

You got jokes.

Well look here, one bite,
the evil bong is the

Queen bitch of eminence.

A furious fuckin' foe.

She should not be taken lightly.

She cast me inside the
Bong World, defeated me,

And usurped my
throne, mm mm mm mm.

She slurped what?

Oh fucker listen, you are
one dead cookie walkin'.

You and what army, ass hole?

Oh, the most
fierce army the world

Has ever known, bitch.

No man, or cookie, can
resist my Poontang Tribe.

Holy shit, those
are six familiars.

The office joint's lookin'
better already. (Laughs)

Don't hog me, lady,
share with the class.

Yeah, yeah!

Nice tune you're
makin' there, blondie.

(Tribal music)


(Woman laughs)

Oh you havin' fun
there, cookie boy?

(Gingerdead man yells)

I hope your sugar balls are
ready for the Pastry Tribunal.

(Whirring sound)

Hey, what gives?

I can't freakin' move!

Who the fuck are you?


Silence, what is this crap?

What the hell is goin' on?

We are the tribunal who
will decide your fate.

Fuck you!

(Choral music)

(Wall moaning)

Tell me that is not
what I think it is.

(Wall moaning)

Get to the point jerks, let
me outta these hula hoops!

You, Gingerdead Man
stand before us a prisoner

Of your own devices, a
mockery of pastry kind.

You know the charges
put forth against you.

What charges?

You are hereby formerly
charged with murder,

Mayhem, caliceness,
wantant drug use, oh!

Is that all ya got?

And your worst offense,
you taste like poop.


You're not even semi-sweet!

You is a bad man, man.

(Speaks in foreign language)

Bathroom's to the
left, you big ugly dick.

How do you plead?

Kiss my doughnut hole.

It's exactly what I
was hopin' they were.


Could only mean one thing.


Where is that little pervert?

You know somebody
who lives in that?

I would and I do.

You rang?

(Larnell screams)

Rabbit, I knew it was you.

Larnell, what
are you doing here.

Well I'd ask you
the same thing except

I already know the
answer to that.

We are trying to escape
a certain doom, dude,

A.k.a. slaughter from
a certain cookie?

Oh man, that was a bad trip.

You can thank her for that.

I said I was sorry.

I'm so sorry I wasn't
prepared for company.

Really like what
you've done to the place.

Oh you do? (Laughs)

I'm innocent I tell ya!

I'm a little crimped
around the edges,

So fuckin' what!

I ask you now, Council,
to pronounce judgement

Onto the accused.

Guilty man.

Guilty of being a hoe.

Fucking guilty!


Ah hell, now what?

Please, sit!

Look, we don't have
time to sit and talk dude,

We gotta get outta here!

Oh pish posh, there's
always time for friends

And conversation, so
sit and conversate.

It'd be rude not to.


Look at those taters.

I love your work.

So now, what is this issue
you wanted to discuss with me?

No disrespect man, but
what's gotten into you?

Whatever do you mean?

I mean, you're
cool all of a sudden.

All like respectable and shit.

Not the giant ass spaz
that we're used to.

That's the old me.

You've been down here for
like an hour, Broby MacGuire.

Time knows not,
in the Bong World.

We need to find a way out.

Findelmeyer is gonna be
getting us any second.

She's right dude,
can ya help us?

Sorry, can't help ya.

Why not?

I haven't tried to
leave, I like it here.

That is crazy talk dude,
this place will eat you alive.

No no no (speaks French).

See, I figured it out.

My time spent here in
the past, I have mastered

This world, I am the master
of my destiny. (Laughs)

I don't know dude,
sounds kinda dangerous.

Not at all.

You see, I know what
the Bong World wants,

So I stay one step ahead.

The bong gives me lemons, I make

Wild sex and weed! (Laughs)

I love it down here,
this is where I belong!

(Girls laughing)

Well good for you, man.

Way to follow your low
expectation dreams.

Unfortunately, we
gotta get outta here,

So can you help us?

No, not at all.

You will be sentenced
to eternal damnation,

A never ending life of
being eaten and reformed,

Consumed and reborn.

As long as you eat
me first, jack ass.

(Speaks French)
I'm going to

Start with your balls!

That doesn't sound so bad.

It's by George Ormond
I indict to one, be you.

Show a little mercy, will ya?

I'm the product of a
morally bankrupt society.

I didn't choose to be
this way, life chose me.

That bitch made me what I am.

I promise I'll never do
anything bad again, I swear it!

We have decided to
give you one more chance,

Gingerdeadman, do
not disappoint us.


Stupid fuckers! (Laughs)

That's the third
one you lost, man!

What an ass hole.

Come on man,
you gotta help us.

Sorry, can't
help ya. (Chuckles)

Why not butt hole?

You've got top yourself, man.

Whatever it is you
want, think the reverse.

The more you want out of here,
the harder it is to leave.

I get it.

No, I gotcha, where
the fuck are they!

Where are who?

Don't gimme that
shit, ass hole.


(Gingerdead man) Oh
yeah, ladies indeed.

Hey, where's the blonde chick?

This creton is
harshing my mellow.

(Gingerdead man) Yeah, I
don't like the way you're

Lookin' at me Yoko.

Neither are you, Beyonce.


What the hell are
you two doin' here?

We figured ya out,
thanks to our boy Rabbit.

That no good scum
bag, I'll show him!

Leave him alone,
he's happy in there.


What kind of freak is that?

If we got out, that means
Millard's gonna escape too,

And he's gonna be
lookin' for both of us.

Trust me, that
Pillsbury dumb fuck

Ain't goin' no where.

I'm gonna turn up the
juice on that sucker.

You OK?

Yeah, I've survived
before, I'll be fine.

Maybe I should walk
you back to your store.

That would be nice.

All right.

Yeah, it's been nice.

Oh child, you better
watch yourself honey.

That dick will not be
around long after Felicity

Finds out, she gonna cut it
off, red as it hacked in.

(Gingerdead man laughing)

(Gingerdead man exhaling)

That's how the cookie
fuckin' crumbles. (Laughs)

(Oddly suspenseful
orchestra music)