Gilda Live (1980) - full transcript
A filmed version of the Broadway show starring comedienne Gilda Radner, complete with the characters she made famous on the TV show "Saturday Night Live."
[cars honking]
[indistinct chatter]
[violin tuning up]
...inanimals,
nobody wears cute clothes.
- Is that correct?
- That's not correct.
Ladies and gentlemen,
the call is now five minutes.
Five minutes, please.
Five minutes.
- 'What's the call?'
- Five minutes.
A somewhat
disheveled Kirshner.
You're fabulous,
actually.
Okay, now I have-I have
just a couple of fast questions.
[male #1]
'Here we go. Come on.
We got to get this done now.'
- Excuse me.
- 'Wait. I can't get in there.'
I'm sorry.
[telephone ringing]
Wait. Hold it. Hold it.
Stop the wall.
[hammering]
'Watch your backs.
There's a wall coming in.'
[trumpet tuning up]
[trombone tuning up]
[clarinet tuning up]
People standing
in the wrong place
you're gonna
get a headache.
Watch your head.
Yeah. Watch your head.
No brush.
Opening night,
and no hairbrush.
[female #1]
'Ladies and gentlemen,the call
is now. Places, please.'
'Act one. Places, please.
Places for act one.'
[male #2]
'You'd better get
out there in place.'
[female #2]
'Quiet, please, in the back.'
[baton tapping]
♪ Na na na na ♪
[off key]
♪ Ahhh ♪♪
I'm not a singer.
[audience applause]
[piano music]
[audience cheering]
[orchestral music]
[Gilda]
'Thank you.'
♪ A rooster
says good morning ♪
♪ With a cock-a-doodle-doo ♪
Good morning.
♪ A horse's neigh
is just his way ♪
♪ Of saying
how are you? ♪
♪ A lion growls hello ♪
♪ And owls ask why
and where and who ♪
♪ May I suggest
you get undressed ♪
♪ And show them
your wazoo ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ The animals
the animals ♪
♪ Let's talk dirty
to the animals ♪
♪ Fuck you, Mr. Bunny ♪
♪ Eat shit, Mr. Bear ♪
♪ If they
don't love it ♪
♪ They can shove it ♪
♪ Frankly
I don't care ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ The animals
the animals ♪
♪ Let's talk dirty
to the animals ♪
♪ Up yours, Mr. Hippo ♪
♪ Piss off, Mr. Fox ♪
♪ Go tell a chicken
suck my dick ♪
♪ And give him
chicken pox ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ The animals
the animals ♪
♪ Let's talk dirty
to the animals ♪
♪ From birds
in the treetops ♪
♪ To snakes
in the grass ♪
♪ But never tell
an alligator ♪
♪ Bite my...no ♪
♪ Never tell
an alligator ♪
♪ Bite my...yes ♪
♪ Never tell
an alligator ♪
♪ Bite my snatch ♪♪
[cheering and applause]
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Uh, this was really
always my dream.
When I was a little girl
growing up in Detroit
my dad used to take me
to see shows
when they'd
come into town.
I'd look up
on the stage
and the people always looked
so happy to be there.
I thought to myself
that's what I wanted to do
and where I wanted to be.
When they'd come near the foot
of the stage and look out
I was sure they were
looking right at me
right at little Gilda Radner.
Now that I'm up here,
I can't see a thing.
[laughter]
And when I think
of all the trouble
I went to
to get here..
♪ Kumbaya my lord ♪
♪ Kumbaya ♪
♪ Kumbaya my lord ♪
♪ Kumbaya ♪
♪ Kumbaya my lord ♪
♪ Kumbaya ♪
♪ Oh, lord, Kumbaya ♪
♪ Oh, lord, Kumbaya-a-a ♪♪
My name
is Maria Vidal.
I'm Diana Grasselli.
My name
is Myriam Valle.
Thanks.
Um, we work together
as a group or separately
and I can travel.
Oh, you were good.
Um..
Um...oh.
My, uh, my name
is Gilda Radner.
Uh, I've had
extensive experience
in children's theater.
I worked
for the board of education.
I-I was
a theater manager
at University of Michigan.
And I've had a year
of tap and ballet..
...when I was eight.
And for, um..
...for my audition today
I'm going
to do a-a number
which I choreographed
myself
and I wrote the song...myself.
Can you help me?
It starts there.
Okay.
I really
want this job.
[piano music]
♪ I love
to be unhappy ♪
♪ I live
to be in pain ♪
♪ When days are full
of sunshine ♪
♪ I'm lookin'
for the rain ♪
♪ I love
to have a headache ♪
♪ I'm happy
with a cold ♪
♪ I'm lookin'
for a problem ♪
♪ Why wait
until I'm old? ♪
And here's the part
where I dance.
[audience and applause]
[laughter]
[laughter]
[laughter]
[cheering and applause]
[laughter]
This is Fred Astaire.
[applause]
[laughter]
Hey, ho.
Hey, ho, hey.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
[applause]
♪ And even
when I'm tappin' ♪
♪ Happy hoppin'
to the beat ♪
♪ I know
I'll get big ankles ♪
♪ And ugly muscles
in my feet ♪♪
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
[applause]
It's-a wonderful
to be here
at the Saints Maureen
and Doreen College.
I'm-a sorry
from the bottom of my heart
to have to inform you
that your scheduled speaker
for tonight
Cardinal Dario Fungi..
[laughter]
...is unable
to speak with you tonight
because of jet lag.
As you know, he is the oldest
living cardinal
one hundred and six years old.
That's-a getting
up there
and traveling does have
a toll on him.
And-a tonight,
just about a half hour ago
I could see
he was-a real hyper..
[laughter]
...so I gave him, like,
1/4 of a Quaalude.
[laughter]
It was just
a little chip.
It was just-a nothing,
a little..
But he's
enjoying himself now.
I am Father Guido Sarducci.
I work for..
[applause]
Thank you.
Thank you.
I work
for L'osservatore Romano.
That's the official
Vatican newspaper.
I do a little
gossip column for them.
When I'm not busy
working on my column
I accompany
the wonderful cardinal
on the college
lecture circuit in Italy.
You know most cardinal types
they're just
too darn stuck-up
to want
to go on the road
but the Fungi,
he's a real sport about it.
And since he's
a Roman Catholic cardinal
he can demand top money
on the college
lecture circuit.
I just help him out
and sub for him
when he's not feeling
quite up to par.
What he does is, he talks about
America, what's going on here.
He makes, like, social
political,
economic observations.
He makes some predictions
for the future
that kind of stuff.
I hope you're going
to enjoy his speech
as much
as they did last month
at the University of Bologna.
It was-a terrific
in Bologna.
It went just great.
Scusi.
Come on. Slide time.
Come on.
Come on.
He likes this part best.
Come on.
Slide time.
Slide time.
Lights, please.
[laughter]
Could you raise
a-this hoop, please?
I thought
that was it.
America.
Mille novecento ottanta.
[click]
[speaking Italian]
Mickey Mouse.
[applause]
[speaking Italian]
[speaking Italian]
[click]
[speaking Italian]
Kennedy-Lincoln coincidenza
[speaking Italian]
Carter-Coolidge coincidenza.
[click]
[laughter]
[speaking Italian]
Coincidenza?
[speaking Italian]
That's good stuff.
[click]
[laughter]
[speaking Italian]
[click]
[laughter]
[speaking Italian]
[click]
[speaking Italian]
[click]
[laughter]
[speaking Italian]
[click]
[laughter]
[speaking Italian]
[click]
[speaking Italian]
[cheering and applause]
A-thank you. Thank you.
Let's-a hear it
for him.
It was wonderful, Fungi.
It was wonderful.
It was wonderful.
[cheering and applause]
I'm coming down..
As soon as
your bridge game's over
I'm coming downstairs.
I didn't mean
to slam it.
I am so bored!
Because..
...my room..
...is the boring room
of the world!
Here I am in my room
and this is my room
and this is my house
and this is my street
and this is my earth
and this is my planet
and this is my universe.
Lalalalalala.
[laughter]
And now it's time for
the"Judy Miller Show."
Yay! Yay!
♪ It's the show
of the day ♪
♪ It's the show
on the way ♪
♪ And I am ready, yes, I am ♪
♪ It's theJudy Miller Show ♪♪
And now presenting
the beautiful star of the show
and you know
who it is
Miss Judy Arlene Miller.
[humming fanfare]
The person
who is also
the most beautiful bride
in the whole wide world.
I am the most beautiful bride
in the whole wide world
and here comes
my husband right now.
[humming]
Judy, will you
marry me?
Um..
Judy, you are so beautiful.
Will you marry me?
Um..
Uh, yes.
Mmm..
And we'll be
right back
after a word
from our sponsor.
♪ Da da ta da
da da ta da ♪
♪ Ta da da ♪♪
Yum yum.
This is a really delicious
and creamy new food
that's so delicious
and so creamy and good for you
you should get some
right away.
Now back to the show.
Yay!
♪ It's a show
about a person ♪
♪ Who is jumping
up and down so high ♪
♪ They can't see
in the sky ♪♪
And now..
...presenting..
[humming fanfare]
...presenting..
...the very beautiful..
...queen of France.
[speaking gibberish French]
But..
...little does
she know that..
...the wicked
queen of Germany
Queen Doofalobabobovich
is coming to get her
and she's going to kill her.
No! We have to run
to England!
No! We have to run
to France!
No! We have to run
to Bolivia!
Yay!
We got her!
Yay! We got her!
We got her!
[female #3]
'Judy, what's
going on in there?'
Nothing.
♪ 'Cause ♪
♪ It's a show
about a person ♪
♪ Who is also a ♪
♪ Wonderful ♪
♪ Bunderful
ballet dancer! ♪
♪ Yes, she is
a ballet dancer ♪
♪ And she dances
and she is a ballet dancer ♪
♪ And she dances.. ♪
[female #3]
'Judy! Be quiet!
[laughter]
♪ On the
Judy Miller Show♪♪
The end.
[applause]
Now? They're off?
Oh, then I'll just do
the intro of the..
Is this center?
Yeah.
Good evening.
I'm Don Kirshner.
[laughter and applause]
In 1963, Lenny Ripp,
an independent record promoter
'called me on
a new unknown singing act'
'that he had caught
performing'
at a high school hop
in Great Neck, Long Island.
On Lenny's recommendation
I called teenager
Rhonda Weiss and her group
into my office
heard their sound,
and immediately signed them
to an exclusive long-term
recording contract.
A string of successful
chat records followed
and Rhonda
and the Rhondettes
were skyrocketed
to the forefront
of a musical genre
whose heart-wrenching style
of teenage lament
caused it to become known
as schmaltz rock.
The hits kept coming
until 1966
when the rise
of British rock 'n' roll
forced the girls to leave
the recording industry
'for the lucrative lounges
of Las Vegas, Tahoe'
and Reno, Nevada.
Today, thanks to the efforts
of Mindy Eisenstein
Frankie Garris,
and their fabulous staff
at the LCBO Talent Agency
to their manager
Maury Daniels
'Rhonda and the Rhondettes
are back'
'with a new release,
a new sound'
and a new message.
So now,
ladies and gentlemen
please join me
in welcoming
the dynamic Rhonda Weiss
and the Rhondettes!
[instrumental music]
[music stops]
[cheering and applause]
Hi, I'm Rhonda Weiss.
I, uh, I want
to thank Don Kirshner
for introducing us
and also for teaching me
that rock 'n' roll
can be a means
of creative expression.
Tonight I would like
to sing a song
with a very socially
relevant message
and I know I speak
not only for myself
but for my closest personal
friends in the entire world
the Rhondettes.
Um, up until now
I never really felt
the need to protest.
I mean, nothing in the 60s
really bothered me.
None of the guys I knew
went to Vietnam.
They all went
to law school.
And, um, actually I've always
found protest
kind of pushy and whiny
until recently.
I read
in theNational Enquirer..
...that the food and drug
administration
was considering banning
saccharin from the market.
I nearly died.
I make the most
fantabulous diet dessert
mocha frost dream.
It's only 29 calories
a serving.
I swear on my life.
Okay, should the FDA
ban saccharin
an equivalent size portion
of that same dessert
mocha frost dream
would then be,
listen to this..
...810 calories.
People, we cannot
let this happen in America.
I mean, I'm sorry
about the lab animals
but statistics prove
that most guys prefer
skinny girls with cancer
over healthy girls
with bulging thighs.
And here's what you've
all been waiting for..
[instrumental music]
♪ Ooh ah ooh ♪
♪ Ooh ah ooh ♪
♪ Ooh ah ah ♪
♪ They say you
gave rats cancer ♪
♪ But I say
that can't be true ♪
♪ Because you are
so very sweet ♪
♪ That's something
you'd never do ♪
♪ I loved you
I needed you ♪
♪ We had a fine
relationship ♪
♪ Till one day
it got ruined ♪
♪ By the Food and Drug
Administration ♪
♪ And I can
look everywhere ♪
♪ From Arkansas to Akron ♪
♪ But, sugar, there's
no sugar substitute ♪
♪ To substitute
for saccharin ♪
♪ Ahh ♪
♪ Goodbye, saccharin ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ Remember ♪
♪ When I was ♪
♪ Only 10 years old ♪
♪ I was far
from being slender ♪
♪ I saved up
my allowance ♪
♪ For three whole months ♪
♪ Just so I could buy
a blender ♪
♪ Blender ♪
♪ Then I had ♪
♪ My first taste of you ♪
♪ And you stopped
my teenage sobbin' ♪
♪ By showing me that
there was a big wide world ♪
♪ Outside of
Baskin & Robbins ♪
♪ Robbins ♪
♪ But they don't care
about the fact ♪
♪ That since you've
been around ♪
♪ You're the only reason
I can zip my jeans ♪
♪ Without lying down ♪
♪ Saccharin ♪
♪ You left a bitter taste
in my mouth ♪
♪ But you kept my seams
from busting ♪
♪ Without you in my life ♪
♪ My body would be
absolutely disgusting ♪
♪ And I can look
everywhere ♪
♪ from Arkansas to Akron ♪
♪ But, sugar, there's
no sugar substitute ♪
♪ To substitute
for saccharin ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ Goodbye, saccharin ♪
♪ Saccharin ♪
♪ Now what am I
gonna do? ♪
♪ I'm gonna have to put
at least ♪
♪ Five or six teaspoons
of sugar in my coffee ♪
♪ To make it sweet enough ♪
♪ Saccharin, bye-bye ♪
♪ I'll get you, FDA ♪♪
[instrumental music]
[music stops]
[applause]
That was a good one, eh?
I like-a that one
about the saccharin.
I like-a the one, too,
about the little girl.
Little-little
brownie girl.
That was a good one.
You know, it's amazing
this-a place really reminds me
of a school that
the Vatican sent me to.
A place-a called the
Marconi School of Broadcasting.
I went to
the Reggio Calabria Branch.
That's-a the best branch.
And we had a gym
just-a like this one.
We had to take gym.
Also, I went to the seminary,
Gregorian Seminary in Rome
but I never like-a school too
much to tell you the truth.
I find education, it don't
matter where you go to school
Italy, America, Brazil,
all the same.
It's all-a just
memorization.
It don't matter how long
you can remember anything
just so you can parrot it back
for the test.
And I got-a this idea for
a school I would like to start
something called
the five-minute university.
And the idea is that
in five minutes
you learn what
the average college graduate
remembers five years after
he or she's out of school.
Would cost like-a $20.
That might seem
like a lot of money
$20 just for 5 minutes
but that's for like tuition,
cap and gown rental..
...graduation picture..
...snacks, everything.
Everything included.
You know,
like in college
you have to take
foreign language.
Well, at the five-minute
university
you can have your choice
any language you want
you can take it.
Say if you want
to take Spanish
what I teach you is
como esta usted?
That means how are you?
The answer is
muy bien.
That means very well.
Believe me, if you took
two years of college Spanish
five years after you're
out of school
como esta usted?
Muy bien
is about all
you're going to remember.
[applause]
So in my school,
that's all you learn.
You see, you don't have
to waste your time
with conjugations,
vocabulary, all that junk.
You just forget it anyway.
What's the difference?
Economics?
Supply and demand.
[laughter]
That's it.
Business-business is
you buy something
and you sell it
for more.
Theology. I'm going to have
a theology department, you know
since I'm a priest,
it's only right.
And what you have
to learn in theology
is the answer
to the question
where is God?
And the answer is
God is everywhere.
Why?
Because he likes you.
[laughter]
That's-a kind
of a combination
of the Disney and
Roman Catholic philosophies.
It's just-a perfect
for the late 70s,
early 80s, you know?
Just perfect.
Well, after the courses
are all over
then it's time for
a little Easter vacation.
No time to go
to Fort Lauderdale.
Only lasts like 20 seconds..
...but what I do for you
I like to turn on
a sunlamp.
You know, I give you
a little glass of orange juice.
That's-a the snack part,
orange juice.
And then, after vacation
after you swallow it real quick
then it's-a time
for the final exams.
I say to you
como esta usted?
You say muy bien.
Where is God?
God is everywhere.
Economics,
supply and demand.
Then, I put on
your cap and gown.
I get out
my polaroid camera, you know
make a little snap-a flash
picture for you.
I give you the picture.
You give me $20.
I give you diploma
and you're a college graduate
ready to go.
And..
...I'm-a not, I'm-a not-a sure
but I'm pretty sure
right next door
to the five-minute university
I might open up
a little law school.
You know,
you got another minute?
[laughter and applause]
Why don't you put a little hair
on my chest, too?
Really
make 'em wonder.
[Father Sarducci]
'I left Cardinal Fungi
back in the men's room.'
'Was-a like 10 minutes ago
he goes in there.'
'And I'm afraid. Many times
he goes into bathrooms'
'and remembers
how to lock the door'
'then he forgets
how to unlock it.'
I'm not happy
with my hair color.
[Father Sarducci]
'I might have to get
a crowbar or something'
but anyway,
that's my problem.
Was more than wonderful.
See you later.
[speaking Italian]
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
It's about time
you guys got back.
Let's get this over with.
I want to get out of here.
Alright. Let's do it quick
and get the hell out.
Candy?
Aw, man, we don't
have any time.
We don't even have..
Wh-where's Candy?
Did she sleep here
last night or something?
Aw, Spiv, look at this.
Wake up, Candy.
Candy!
Come on!
We don't have all day.
Come on.
Get her to the mike.
Alright. Here we go.
Candy!
Sound check.
Candy!
Come on!
Candy, listen to me.
Candy, come on, listen to me.
It's a sound check.
Just walk it through
for us
so we hear how we sound
and get out.
Booze!
In your hand,
Candy.
Right here,
in your right hand.
There you go.
Take a hit of that.
There you go? Can you do it?
Can you sing now, Can..?
Alright. I know.
One minute, guys.
I know what you need because
I know what you always need.
Give me your nose.
Here's the blowzy. Go.
[inhales]
Go again.
Little blowzy.
[inhales]
That'll keep you going
for a good three minutes.
Okay, let's dedicate
this one to Mick Jagger!
♪ Damn it, Mick ♪
♪ Damn it, Mick ♪
♪ Thin as hell
Bulgin' eyes ♪
♪ Lips so thick ♪
♪ Are you woman?
Are you man? ♪
♪ I'm you biggest
funked up fan ♪
♪ Damn it, Mick
Damn it, Mick ♪
♪ Thin as hell
Bulgin' eyes ♪
♪ Lips so thick ♪
♪ Are you woman?
Are you man? ♪
♪ I'm your biggest
funked up fan ♪
♪ So rock me
and roll me ♪
♪ Till I'm sick ♪
♪ Some girls
want to mojo ♪
♪ Oh, black and white
and slick ♪
♪ But there's suckin'
screamin' mamas yellin' ♪
♪ Damn it, Mick ♪
♪ The 12 by 5
performance ♪
♪ Take my wife
and all that shtick ♪
♪ Makes my dyin'
just to meet you ♪
♪ Damn it, Mick
Damn it, Mick ♪
♪ Thin as hell
Bulgin' eyes ♪
♪ Lips so thick ♪
♪ Are you woman?
Are you man? ♪
♪ I'm your biggest
funked up fan ♪
♪ Rock me roll me
till I'm sick ♪
Aah!
♪ You, Mick Jagger ♪
♪ Actually continued
to perform at a concert ♪
♪ Where someone got
knifed and killed ♪
♪ During the 60s ♪
♪ You, Mick Jagger ♪
♪ Are English
and go out with a model ♪
♪ And get an incredible
amount of publicity ♪
♪ You, Mick Jagger ♪
♪ Don't keep regular hours ♪
♪ You, Mick Jagger ♪
♪ Have the greatest
rock 'n' roll band ♪
♪ In the history
of rock 'n' roll ♪
♪ And you don't even play
an instrument yourself ♪
♪ Rock 'n' roll
Rock 'n' roll ♪
♪ Rock 'n' roll,
Rock 'n' roll ♪
♪ Gimmee gimmee gimmee
rock 'n' roll ♪
♪ Gimmee gimmee
rock 'n' roll ♪
♪ Gimmee gimmee
gimmee gimmee ♪
♪ Gimmee gimmee ♪
♪ I am the band ♪
♪ Damn it, Mick
Damn it, Mick ♪
♪ Thin as hell
Bulgin' eyes ♪
♪ Lips so thick ♪
♪ Are you woman?
Are you man? ♪
♪ I'm your biggest
funked up fan ♪
♪ So rock me
and roll me ♪
♪ Till I'm sick ♪♪
[belches]
[cheering and applause]
[applause]
[classical music]
[laughter]
[applause]
Thank you!
Thank you. Thank you,
Arnie Schnactman
for that lovely rendition
ofChopin's etude in C.
'You can go now, Arnie.'
Oh, that's real funny,
so funny I forgot to laugh.
Don't jump, Arnie!
Stop jumping like that.
[laughing and snorting]
Hello, I'm Lisa Leubner
and that concludes..
[applause]
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you. That concludes
the classical portion
of the students of Mr. Brighton
Annual Piano Recital held here
at the Gus Grissom
Elementary School auditorium.
They made us have it here
at the baby school
'cause they're having
a basketball game
over at the high school.
Big deal.
At this time, I would like
to call your attention
to the mimeographed
lyric sheets
that are inside each
and every one of your programs.
Could everyone please
get them out, so that when I say
"Please refer to your
song sheets, everybody"
you'll have them out
ready to refer to.
Could everyone please
get them out now
so there'll be no
rustling of papers
during my presentation?
Okey-dokey.
I would like to dedicate
the song I'm about to play
to the world's best mom,
Mrs. Edith Leubner
and to my father,
the late Mr. Leubner.
God rest his soul.
The, uh, song that
I'm about to play
is the title song from
the film of the same name
"The Way We Were."
It was composed by my idol,
Marvin Hamlisch.
And the lyrics were written
by Marilyn and Alan Bergman
with whom it's my dream
for Marvin and I
to someday double date.
"The Way We Were."
♪ Misty watercolor ♪
♪ Memories ♪
♪ Of the way we were ♪
♪ Tattered pictures ♪
♪ Of the smiles
we left behind ♪
♪ Smiles we gave
to one another ♪
♪ For the way we were ♪
♪ Can it be that
it was all so simple then? ♪
♪ Or has time
reprinted every line? ♪
♪ If we had the chance
to do it all again ♪
♪ Tell me, would we? ♪
[sobbing]
♪ Could we? ♪♪
Oh, no.
I'm sorry.
This part always gets me.
It evokes the heart-breaking
tragic love story
of Barbra "Katie" Streisand
and Robert "Hubble" Redford.
The film is about,
and I call it a film
not a movie,
the film is about
this outspoken Jewish girl
with a big nose
who goes to Hollywood
with her beautiful blond husband
and gets disgusted.
It was during the time
when McCarthy
was accusing everybody
in Hollywood
of being communist
and even accused
Streisand and Redford
of being communist,
which they're not
and it put a terrible
strain on their marriage.
It was very sad.
I-I saw the film five times,
but I cried six times
'cause after
the fourth time
I knew it so well,
I cried going the fifth time.
♪ Memories ♪
♪ May be beautiful and yet ♪
♪ What's too painful ♪
♪ To remember ♪
♪ We simply choose
to forget ♪
Now, please, refer to your
song sheets, everybody!
[audience joins in]
♪ So it's the laughter ♪
♪ We will remember ♪
♪ Whenever we remember ♪
♪ The way we were ♪
♪ The way we were ♪♪
[cheering and applause]
Where's this-a hoop,
now that I'm here?
Could you make the hoop-a
come down, please?
Okay!
Now, you're talking-a
my language.
[audience]
'Aw!'
Well, it was almost.
Was just a little too far.
I think I can take
one more shot.
It's-a my prerogative.
Think this-a time I can shoot
just a little bit softer
then it can go right in.
[laughter]
[audience cheering]
'Thank you.'
It's not even my sport.
Bocce ball
is my sport.
That's a gentleman sport,
bocce ball.
Don't have to run around
like an animal.
Well, I was a little sad
listening to that song
"The Way We Was."
It was a sad one.
I think that most people,
when they hear a song like that
they kind of project themselves
into it.
You think of how
you used to be
how you've changed
over the years.
I know whenever
I hear that song
I always think of
the Catholic church..
[laughter]
...and how we've changed
over the last 10-15 years.
Times used to be,
oh, so simple then.
What we used to think
was when you die
the soul leaves the body.
It's kind of like
a little bubble in 7-Up.
You know, it just..
...just goes
a-shooting up there.
And we used to think
there was different levels
in heaven.
And it depended on
how holy you are
the lighter the soul is.
So if you're, you know,
real good, a very nice person
you can go way up high
and be with God
and, you know, other nice people
like yourself.
If you're a real,
real bad person
your soul might just raise,
like, four feet.
It's just, you know..
You might spend eternity
hanging around the grill
at some cheap restaurant.
[laughter]
And that's forever.
Forever.
I know some priests,
they say forever and ever.
I really don't think
the "and ever" is necessary.
Forever kind of covers it,
you know?
Forever means forever.
What do you want?
Forever is forever.
Well, we found out
that's not true.
There are no levels
in heaven.
We found out from something
called the phantom letter.
Happened in 1917.
There was this miracle
in Portugal
and these three little
Portuguese kids
they was given this letter
and they was told
"Give the letter
to the Pope
and tell him don't open it
till 1960."
'What it was about was
the secret of life'
'what happens when you die,
all that stuff.'
And what it said
right at the top
big capital letters
it said,
"Vitam est laborem."
That means life is a job.
That's why, you know,
you think life seems so hard
so difficult
most of the time.
It's 'cause it's a job.
It's just-a work.
That's what it's about.
And it said that each of us
we're getting paid 14.50 a day.
That's our wages,
14.50 a day.
And what happens to you
when you die
the soul does
leave the body
and then you see yourself
going down
this-a long, long,
long dark tunnel.
And your whole life
flashes before you
from the day you was born
to the day you die.
Then you come
to the end of the tunnel
and God is there
waiting for you.
And he looks you
straight in the eye
and then he pays you.
You see,
he knows you was coming.
He's like a psychic.
He knows everything.
And he figured it up
all in advance.
14.50 times the number
of days you was living
and he gives you
all of this money.
You got this money
in front of you
and then he starts
going through your sins
and you have to
pay for your sins.
[laughter]
Maybe you heard
of that expression
"You have to
pay for your sins."
That's the truth.
We do have to pay for our sins..
...in cash.
It's a cash deal.
It's, like, maybe when you
was a little kid
maybe stole
a bag of potato chips.
That might be,
like, $6 fine.
So you got to
give him back $6.
'Lying.
Every time you lied, $10.'
'Ten, ten, ten,
ten, ten, ten, ten.'
Just shell it out, you know.
Every single lie, $10.
You know, 10.
Murder.
Murder,
that's-a the worst one.
$100,000.
Masturbation?
[laughter]
I don't know.
[laughter and applause]
Twenty five, thirty five cents
would be my guess.
That's a cheap sin..
...but it can mount up.
You know, 35 times..
Thirty five, thirty five,
thirty five, thirty five..
Well, if you have enough money
to pay off all your sins
then you get
to go to heaven.
If you don't have enough
you have to go back
and be born again.
It's kind of like going back
to work after a little vacation.
Some real bad people,
you know, like Mafioso types
they might have to spend
four-four lifetimes as nuns
just making up for it.
Most nuns are
former Mafiosos.
Didn't know
if you know that.
[laughter and applause]
Well, Cardinal Fungi's
still in the men's room.
I'm afraid he could be
working up real tab back there
if you get-a my drift.
I better go check him out.
Thank you. See you later.
Thank you.
Hello.
Hello,
Father Sarducci.
Hello, Miss Litella.
Hello to you.
Fine, thank you.
Good morning,
boys and girls.
I'm Miss Emily Litella.
[cheering and applause]
Miss.
Emily.
Litella.
Now, this is my first time
substitute teaching
you at P.S. 164,
in Bedford-Stuyvesant.
I'll be taking the place of
your regular teacher Mr. Hawks
until he recovers from
his unfortunate accident.
I heard all about
the stubbing
and his toe must have
smarted pretty badly
if he had to be taken away
in an ambulance.
And I heard it was
the third stubbing
this week at this school.
So, mind your toes.
This morning,
boys and girls
I'll be reading to you
from this book.
"Tiny Kingdom."
'This is a wonderful book.'
I love this book.
Young man,
where are you going?
'What?'
What?
Get fudge?
I don't care for it.
It's too sweet
and rot your teeth.
What?
What?
Get fucked?
Oh! That's very different.
Asshole!
What? Settle down,
all of you! Shush!
'Button your little lips now!
Quiet!'
This is a wonderful book.
"Tiny.."
"..Kingdom."
By Mrs. Elizabeth Wellesley.
She's dead.
"Once upon a time..
"...there was
a beautiful princess
"who lived in a little,
teeny-tiny
"itty-bitty,
little, teeny-tiny..
"...castle.
"And one day..
"...a handsome prince
came riding by
"in a little,
teeny-tiny
"itty-bitty,
little, teeny-tiny..
...carriage."
This is good.
"And the handsome prince
and the beautiful princess
"fell in love
and rode off together
"to live in a little,
teeny-tiny
"itty-bitty,
little, teeny-tiny..
"...kingdom.
"And on
their wedding night
"the princess found
that the prince
had a little, teeny-tiny,
itty-bitty, little.."
[bell ringing]
Never mind.
Class dismissed.
[male announcer]
'Attention, please,
ladies and gentlemen.'
'Your attention, please.'
[drum roll]
'And now..'
'...here
by special invitation..'
'...to give an exhibition
during tonight's'
'A.A.U.
gymnastic championship'
'is the winner
of three gold medals'
'in the 1976 Olympics.'
'Tomorrow she begins
her six-week American tour.'
'Please welcome the Romanian
national gymnastic squad'
'featuring Nadia Comaneci.'
'Ladies and gentlemen'
'please rise for the Romanian
national anthem.'
'Ladies and gentlemen'
please rise for the Romanian
national anthem.
[piano music]
[singing in Romanian]
[piano music]
[in unison]
Hey!
Hi. Remember me?
I'm Nadia Comaneci.
Aren't I Cute?
We are traveling to
high schools and Ramada inns
all over America.
To show young people
the superiority
of Romanian gymnasts
and how cute I am.
And now we will demonstrate
the parallel bars.
[drum roll]
[instrumental "Stayin' Alive"]
Ay!
A lot of young girls
in Romania
first lose their cheechnost
to the parallel bars.
We don't have too much
horseback riding in Romania.
And now I will demonstrate
the balance beam.
[drum roll]
[instrumental music]
Be sure to watch me
when I compete in
the 1980 summer Olympics.
'Cause that's the last time
I will be cute.
We Eastern Europeans
don't age too gracefully.
Pretty soon, I'll be
a big, fat Romanian woman
with a little
black mustache.
You won't want
to see me then.
Remember Olga Korbut?
She used to be cute.
Now she's an elevator repairman
in Leningrad.
But not Nadia Comaneci.
I'm still darling!
[instrumental music]
Oh, my cheechnost!
[male announcer]
'All the way from Romania'
ladies and gentlemen,
Nadia Comaneci
and the Romanian
national gymnastic squad.
Dean Vaiter,
faculty
graduating seniors,
distinguished guests
ladies and gentlemen, uh..
...as president
of the graduating class
it is my pleasure
to introduce
this evening's
guest speaker.
Uh, I must confess that we were
a bit frantic this morning
as our originally scheduled
speaker Geraldo Rivera
uh, suddenly fell ill
and was forced to cancel.
I'm told
it's nothing serious.
Just a little minor surgery
that had to be attended to.
And I understand that
Mr. Rivera is feeling better
and regrets that he can't
be with us this evening.
Uh, however, we were
fortunate to find
a most distinguished
replacement.
She is an award-winning
broadcast journalist
from Channel 4's,
Weekend UpdateNews Team
and we do thank her
for graciously accepting
our last minute invitation.
Please welcome
Ms. Roseanne Rosanadana.
Thanks a lot.
Thanks.
First of all..
Thanks.
Thanks a lot.
First of all,
I got to say
it's an extreme pleasure,
a joy, a thrill
an up
and a real snappy surprise
for me,
Roseanne Rosanadana.
To give the commencement speech
to the graduating class
of the Columbia School
of Journalism.
At first, when they
called me this morning
6:30, thanks a lot.
I was real excited
'cause I figured
there's no greater honor
than for an alumnus
to give the graduating speech
at his alma mater.
But I suppose that I,
Roseanne Rosanadana
will have to wait
for that honor
'cause I found out
your school is not affiliated
with the Columbia School
of Broadcasting.
But you guys was
in big trouble
'cause Geraldo Rivera
was sick as a dog.
So I figure why not
come down here
and speak to the young
journalists of tomorrow?
Geraldo had a boil
that had to be lanced.
It was one of those round ones
that's hard like a rock
and it was on his neck.
Like a lump.
Even if he had it drained,
you know how messy
those things are, it would've
got all over his shirt.
It would have made you sick
during your graduation.
So it's just as good
he's not here.
Anyways, as I look out
at your sweet, young
tender little
journalistic faces
with those stupid
flat black hats on
with the tassels
hanging off of 'em
I can't help but know exactly
what you're thinking.
You're probably saying,
"Hey, I'm a college graduate."
"I spent a lot
of time at school."
"What does journalism
have to offer me?"
"What do I have to
offer journalism?"
"What's there
to write about?"
"What's there
to write with?"
"Should I use a pencil
or a typewriter?"
"What kind of pencil?
A number two or darker?"
"Do I bring them, or does
my boss give them to me?"
"If I don't,
will I get fired?
"I'll starve and then I'll die.
What should I do?"
Class of '79,
for college graduates
you sure ask a lot
of dumb questions.
I know exactly
what you're going through
'cause I remember when I,
Roseanne Rosanadana
first entered the field.
I was real nervous.
Imagine, if you will,
a sweet, young, idealistic
little Roseanne Rosanadana
fresh out of school
and looking for a job
in journalism.
I filled out applications,
I went to interviews
and they all told me
the same thing.
"You're overqualified.
You're under-qualified."
"Don't call us.
It's a jungle out there."
"A woman's place's at home. Drop
dead. Have a nice day. Goodbye."
But I didn't give up.
I mean, even after
I had this interview
with the head
of personnel at CBS
the Tiffany Network
and this guy says to me
"Ms. Rosanadana,
why don't you look for a job
in the wonderful world
of fast foods?"
Well, I was kind
of P.O'd at that.
I'm walking
down the hall
when who do I see
sitting in his office
eating his lunch, but Mr. CBS
himself, Walter Cronkite.
Just between you and me,
Roseanne Rosanadana
you know what that hot-shot
news guy eats for lunch?
Luncheon meat
on white bread with butter
with one piece of lettuce
that got wilted
from being between
the meat and the butter.
That fancy-schmancy
news guy's
eating that pink bologna meat
with white dots in it
that you don't know
what it is.
What are those dots?
Is that cheese in there?
'I thought it was a q-tip
got in there'
'or maybe
it was Rivera's boil'
'got in there
or something.'
Anyways...I really poured
on the Rosanadana charm.
I made him a cup of coffee.
I showed him my resume.
I told him a lot
of journalism jokes.
Finally,
Cronkite says to me
"Roseanne, you should have
a job here at CBS."
Well, everything
is going great.
Then, all of a sudden
this wooden chair
that I'm sitting on
makes a...noise
on the floor.
Well, I thought
I was gonna die.
Cronkite says, "Ugh!
Did that come out of you?"
I go,
"No way, Mr. Cronkite.
I swear that
didn't come out of me."
So then I tried
to move the chair again
to get it
to make the same noise.
I moved that chair
all over his office
and I couldn't get it
to make that noise again.
Finally, it makes
a little, tiny noise
and Cronkite starts
lighting matches in there.
And he says,
"Get out of here.
You're making me sick."
I felt real bad 'cause
the guy was eating his lunch.
Well, I probably don't have to
tell a lot ofcollege graduates
that Iwas real down
after that.
I was depressed as a dog.
But I didn't give up.
I said to myself,
"R.R."
"Yes, you can.
I'm okay, you're okay"
"I'm my own best friend.
my mother, myself.
"I have no fear of flying.
I am woman, hear me roar."
I didn't give up,
and I made it
and pretty big,
I might add.
So let me wrap
this thing up real quick
by saying it just goes to show
you, it's always something.
If it's not one thing,
it's another.
Either you can't get a job
or Walter Cronkite thinks you
cut the cheese in his office.
It's just like
this little graduation song
my father sang
when I went to bed.
He'd tuck me in, all snuggly,
put powder under my arms
make sure my toes were under
the covers and I'm all cute.
And he'd sing to me
this graduation song
which was written by my
grandmother, Nana Rosanadana.
And I'm gonna sing it
to you for your graduation.
♪ Should old acquaintance
be forgot ♪
♪ I hope you'll
hear my plea ♪
♪ Roseanne my dear ♪
♪ You'll get a job ♪
♪ If you listen to me ♪
♪ Just sit quite still ♪
♪ And don't you move ♪
♪ During your interview ♪
♪ 'Cause if you move ♪
♪ Your boss will think ♪
♪ The fart
came out of you ♪♪
Goodnight, my little
Roseanne Rosanadanas.
Good luck class of '79.
Thanks a lot.
You knew it was me,
didn't you?
Um...I, uh..
...remember when I
was in high school.
At the end of the year,
they always had the prom.
I made a big deal about it and
it always made me miserable.
I was either miserable
because I didn't have a date
or I was miserable
because I did have a date
and didn't know
what to wear.
But no matter what, I'll never
forget what it'd be like
when you'd go to school
and it be nighttime
and you'd walk
into the gym
and it wasn't
a gym anymore.
It was...it was a party.
And all your friends
from school were there
but they always had on
more makeup
than they wore during the week
and they looked better.
And sometimes you had
a good time at the prom
and sometimes you
didn't have a good time.
But what I learned was,
it was never the party
that was the good part.
It was always
after the party.
Like this one time, this guy,
I figured he really liked me
because he invited me
to come over to his house
and listen to a record
and that was during the time
when we all still lived
at our parents houses.
So I went with him
and we went down
into his basement
or rec room
and he put on Mel Brooks
and Carl Reiner's
2,000 year old man.
And we both sat down
on the couch
and we're listening
to the record and laughing.
And then he kissed me
...for a real long time.
And then we listened to the
record some more and laughed
and then we both laid down
on the couch next to each other
and listened
to the record some more
and laughed and kissed
...and it was probably one
of the most
romantic times of my life
and I'd like
to dedicate this song
to him and to that time.
[instrumental music]
♪ Honey touch me ♪
♪ With my clothes on ♪
♪ Sweetie baby ♪
♪ Longer than you do ♪
♪ Honey kiss me ♪
♪ With your mouth closed ♪
♪ Just like you love me
and I love you ♪
♪ Now whatever happened ♪
♪ To Johnny Mathis ♪
♪ To moments
when your lips ♪
♪ Met mine ♪
♪ So in love
were we two ♪
♪ We didn't know
what to do ♪
♪ And chances ♪
♪ Were awfully good ♪
♪ That love
could be so fine ♪
♪ And whatever happened ♪
♪ To slow slow dancin' ♪
♪ And imaginin' ♪
♪ How heaven could be ♪
♪ Ooh ooh ooh ♪
♪ Falling in love ♪
♪ Was wonderful wonderful ♪
♪ Lovin' baby
was a dream fantasy ♪
♪ Honey touch me ♪
♪ With my clothes on ♪
♪ Sweetie baby ♪
♪ Longer than you do ♪
♪ Honey kiss me ♪
♪ With your mouth closed ♪
♪ Just like you love me ♪
♪ And I love you ♪
♪ Seems so sad ♪
♪ Hurts so bad ♪
♪ Don't be cruel ♪
♪ I'm a fool ♪♪ Such a fool ♪
♪ Only you ♪
♪ Mister blue ♪
♪ Can't you see ♪
♪ Must it be ♪
♪ Maybe ♪
♪ Ma-ay-be ♪♪ Ma-ay-ay-ay-be ♪
[music continues]
♪ And I love you ♪
♪ Now whatever happened ♪
♪ To Johnny Mathis ♪
♪ Gee wasn't
his vibrato great ♪
♪ Oh baby ♪
♪ So much love
have we two ♪
♪ With so little
left to do ♪
♪ Too much ♪
♪ Too little ♪
♪ Too late ♪
♪ Touch me ♪
♪ Too much ♪
♪ Too little ♪
♪ Too late ♪
♪ Kiss me ♪
♪ Too much ♪
♪ Too little ♪
♪ Too late ♪
♪ Touch me ♪
♪ Touch me
with my clothes on ♪
♪ Ooh ♪♪
[instrumental music]
[music continues]
[music continues]
[music continues]
[instrumental music]
[music continues]
[indistinct chatter]
[violin tuning up]
...inanimals,
nobody wears cute clothes.
- Is that correct?
- That's not correct.
Ladies and gentlemen,
the call is now five minutes.
Five minutes, please.
Five minutes.
- 'What's the call?'
- Five minutes.
A somewhat
disheveled Kirshner.
You're fabulous,
actually.
Okay, now I have-I have
just a couple of fast questions.
[male #1]
'Here we go. Come on.
We got to get this done now.'
- Excuse me.
- 'Wait. I can't get in there.'
I'm sorry.
[telephone ringing]
Wait. Hold it. Hold it.
Stop the wall.
[hammering]
'Watch your backs.
There's a wall coming in.'
[trumpet tuning up]
[trombone tuning up]
[clarinet tuning up]
People standing
in the wrong place
you're gonna
get a headache.
Watch your head.
Yeah. Watch your head.
No brush.
Opening night,
and no hairbrush.
[female #1]
'Ladies and gentlemen,the call
is now. Places, please.'
'Act one. Places, please.
Places for act one.'
[male #2]
'You'd better get
out there in place.'
[female #2]
'Quiet, please, in the back.'
[baton tapping]
♪ Na na na na ♪
[off key]
♪ Ahhh ♪♪
I'm not a singer.
[audience applause]
[piano music]
[audience cheering]
[orchestral music]
[Gilda]
'Thank you.'
♪ A rooster
says good morning ♪
♪ With a cock-a-doodle-doo ♪
Good morning.
♪ A horse's neigh
is just his way ♪
♪ Of saying
how are you? ♪
♪ A lion growls hello ♪
♪ And owls ask why
and where and who ♪
♪ May I suggest
you get undressed ♪
♪ And show them
your wazoo ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ The animals
the animals ♪
♪ Let's talk dirty
to the animals ♪
♪ Fuck you, Mr. Bunny ♪
♪ Eat shit, Mr. Bear ♪
♪ If they
don't love it ♪
♪ They can shove it ♪
♪ Frankly
I don't care ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ The animals
the animals ♪
♪ Let's talk dirty
to the animals ♪
♪ Up yours, Mr. Hippo ♪
♪ Piss off, Mr. Fox ♪
♪ Go tell a chicken
suck my dick ♪
♪ And give him
chicken pox ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ The animals
the animals ♪
♪ Let's talk dirty
to the animals ♪
♪ From birds
in the treetops ♪
♪ To snakes
in the grass ♪
♪ But never tell
an alligator ♪
♪ Bite my...no ♪
♪ Never tell
an alligator ♪
♪ Bite my...yes ♪
♪ Never tell
an alligator ♪
♪ Bite my snatch ♪♪
[cheering and applause]
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Uh, this was really
always my dream.
When I was a little girl
growing up in Detroit
my dad used to take me
to see shows
when they'd
come into town.
I'd look up
on the stage
and the people always looked
so happy to be there.
I thought to myself
that's what I wanted to do
and where I wanted to be.
When they'd come near the foot
of the stage and look out
I was sure they were
looking right at me
right at little Gilda Radner.
Now that I'm up here,
I can't see a thing.
[laughter]
And when I think
of all the trouble
I went to
to get here..
♪ Kumbaya my lord ♪
♪ Kumbaya ♪
♪ Kumbaya my lord ♪
♪ Kumbaya ♪
♪ Kumbaya my lord ♪
♪ Kumbaya ♪
♪ Oh, lord, Kumbaya ♪
♪ Oh, lord, Kumbaya-a-a ♪♪
My name
is Maria Vidal.
I'm Diana Grasselli.
My name
is Myriam Valle.
Thanks.
Um, we work together
as a group or separately
and I can travel.
Oh, you were good.
Um..
Um...oh.
My, uh, my name
is Gilda Radner.
Uh, I've had
extensive experience
in children's theater.
I worked
for the board of education.
I-I was
a theater manager
at University of Michigan.
And I've had a year
of tap and ballet..
...when I was eight.
And for, um..
...for my audition today
I'm going
to do a-a number
which I choreographed
myself
and I wrote the song...myself.
Can you help me?
It starts there.
Okay.
I really
want this job.
[piano music]
♪ I love
to be unhappy ♪
♪ I live
to be in pain ♪
♪ When days are full
of sunshine ♪
♪ I'm lookin'
for the rain ♪
♪ I love
to have a headache ♪
♪ I'm happy
with a cold ♪
♪ I'm lookin'
for a problem ♪
♪ Why wait
until I'm old? ♪
And here's the part
where I dance.
[audience and applause]
[laughter]
[laughter]
[laughter]
[cheering and applause]
[laughter]
This is Fred Astaire.
[applause]
[laughter]
Hey, ho.
Hey, ho, hey.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
[applause]
♪ And even
when I'm tappin' ♪
♪ Happy hoppin'
to the beat ♪
♪ I know
I'll get big ankles ♪
♪ And ugly muscles
in my feet ♪♪
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
[applause]
It's-a wonderful
to be here
at the Saints Maureen
and Doreen College.
I'm-a sorry
from the bottom of my heart
to have to inform you
that your scheduled speaker
for tonight
Cardinal Dario Fungi..
[laughter]
...is unable
to speak with you tonight
because of jet lag.
As you know, he is the oldest
living cardinal
one hundred and six years old.
That's-a getting
up there
and traveling does have
a toll on him.
And-a tonight,
just about a half hour ago
I could see
he was-a real hyper..
[laughter]
...so I gave him, like,
1/4 of a Quaalude.
[laughter]
It was just
a little chip.
It was just-a nothing,
a little..
But he's
enjoying himself now.
I am Father Guido Sarducci.
I work for..
[applause]
Thank you.
Thank you.
I work
for L'osservatore Romano.
That's the official
Vatican newspaper.
I do a little
gossip column for them.
When I'm not busy
working on my column
I accompany
the wonderful cardinal
on the college
lecture circuit in Italy.
You know most cardinal types
they're just
too darn stuck-up
to want
to go on the road
but the Fungi,
he's a real sport about it.
And since he's
a Roman Catholic cardinal
he can demand top money
on the college
lecture circuit.
I just help him out
and sub for him
when he's not feeling
quite up to par.
What he does is, he talks about
America, what's going on here.
He makes, like, social
political,
economic observations.
He makes some predictions
for the future
that kind of stuff.
I hope you're going
to enjoy his speech
as much
as they did last month
at the University of Bologna.
It was-a terrific
in Bologna.
It went just great.
Scusi.
Come on. Slide time.
Come on.
Come on.
He likes this part best.
Come on.
Slide time.
Slide time.
Lights, please.
[laughter]
Could you raise
a-this hoop, please?
I thought
that was it.
America.
Mille novecento ottanta.
[click]
[speaking Italian]
Mickey Mouse.
[applause]
[speaking Italian]
[speaking Italian]
[click]
[speaking Italian]
Kennedy-Lincoln coincidenza
[speaking Italian]
Carter-Coolidge coincidenza.
[click]
[laughter]
[speaking Italian]
Coincidenza?
[speaking Italian]
That's good stuff.
[click]
[laughter]
[speaking Italian]
[click]
[laughter]
[speaking Italian]
[click]
[speaking Italian]
[click]
[laughter]
[speaking Italian]
[click]
[laughter]
[speaking Italian]
[click]
[speaking Italian]
[cheering and applause]
A-thank you. Thank you.
Let's-a hear it
for him.
It was wonderful, Fungi.
It was wonderful.
It was wonderful.
[cheering and applause]
I'm coming down..
As soon as
your bridge game's over
I'm coming downstairs.
I didn't mean
to slam it.
I am so bored!
Because..
...my room..
...is the boring room
of the world!
Here I am in my room
and this is my room
and this is my house
and this is my street
and this is my earth
and this is my planet
and this is my universe.
Lalalalalala.
[laughter]
And now it's time for
the"Judy Miller Show."
Yay! Yay!
♪ It's the show
of the day ♪
♪ It's the show
on the way ♪
♪ And I am ready, yes, I am ♪
♪ It's theJudy Miller Show ♪♪
And now presenting
the beautiful star of the show
and you know
who it is
Miss Judy Arlene Miller.
[humming fanfare]
The person
who is also
the most beautiful bride
in the whole wide world.
I am the most beautiful bride
in the whole wide world
and here comes
my husband right now.
[humming]
Judy, will you
marry me?
Um..
Judy, you are so beautiful.
Will you marry me?
Um..
Uh, yes.
Mmm..
And we'll be
right back
after a word
from our sponsor.
♪ Da da ta da
da da ta da ♪
♪ Ta da da ♪♪
Yum yum.
This is a really delicious
and creamy new food
that's so delicious
and so creamy and good for you
you should get some
right away.
Now back to the show.
Yay!
♪ It's a show
about a person ♪
♪ Who is jumping
up and down so high ♪
♪ They can't see
in the sky ♪♪
And now..
...presenting..
[humming fanfare]
...presenting..
...the very beautiful..
...queen of France.
[speaking gibberish French]
But..
...little does
she know that..
...the wicked
queen of Germany
Queen Doofalobabobovich
is coming to get her
and she's going to kill her.
No! We have to run
to England!
No! We have to run
to France!
No! We have to run
to Bolivia!
Yay!
We got her!
Yay! We got her!
We got her!
[female #3]
'Judy, what's
going on in there?'
Nothing.
♪ 'Cause ♪
♪ It's a show
about a person ♪
♪ Who is also a ♪
♪ Wonderful ♪
♪ Bunderful
ballet dancer! ♪
♪ Yes, she is
a ballet dancer ♪
♪ And she dances
and she is a ballet dancer ♪
♪ And she dances.. ♪
[female #3]
'Judy! Be quiet!
[laughter]
♪ On the
Judy Miller Show♪♪
The end.
[applause]
Now? They're off?
Oh, then I'll just do
the intro of the..
Is this center?
Yeah.
Good evening.
I'm Don Kirshner.
[laughter and applause]
In 1963, Lenny Ripp,
an independent record promoter
'called me on
a new unknown singing act'
'that he had caught
performing'
at a high school hop
in Great Neck, Long Island.
On Lenny's recommendation
I called teenager
Rhonda Weiss and her group
into my office
heard their sound,
and immediately signed them
to an exclusive long-term
recording contract.
A string of successful
chat records followed
and Rhonda
and the Rhondettes
were skyrocketed
to the forefront
of a musical genre
whose heart-wrenching style
of teenage lament
caused it to become known
as schmaltz rock.
The hits kept coming
until 1966
when the rise
of British rock 'n' roll
forced the girls to leave
the recording industry
'for the lucrative lounges
of Las Vegas, Tahoe'
and Reno, Nevada.
Today, thanks to the efforts
of Mindy Eisenstein
Frankie Garris,
and their fabulous staff
at the LCBO Talent Agency
to their manager
Maury Daniels
'Rhonda and the Rhondettes
are back'
'with a new release,
a new sound'
and a new message.
So now,
ladies and gentlemen
please join me
in welcoming
the dynamic Rhonda Weiss
and the Rhondettes!
[instrumental music]
[music stops]
[cheering and applause]
Hi, I'm Rhonda Weiss.
I, uh, I want
to thank Don Kirshner
for introducing us
and also for teaching me
that rock 'n' roll
can be a means
of creative expression.
Tonight I would like
to sing a song
with a very socially
relevant message
and I know I speak
not only for myself
but for my closest personal
friends in the entire world
the Rhondettes.
Um, up until now
I never really felt
the need to protest.
I mean, nothing in the 60s
really bothered me.
None of the guys I knew
went to Vietnam.
They all went
to law school.
And, um, actually I've always
found protest
kind of pushy and whiny
until recently.
I read
in theNational Enquirer..
...that the food and drug
administration
was considering banning
saccharin from the market.
I nearly died.
I make the most
fantabulous diet dessert
mocha frost dream.
It's only 29 calories
a serving.
I swear on my life.
Okay, should the FDA
ban saccharin
an equivalent size portion
of that same dessert
mocha frost dream
would then be,
listen to this..
...810 calories.
People, we cannot
let this happen in America.
I mean, I'm sorry
about the lab animals
but statistics prove
that most guys prefer
skinny girls with cancer
over healthy girls
with bulging thighs.
And here's what you've
all been waiting for..
[instrumental music]
♪ Ooh ah ooh ♪
♪ Ooh ah ooh ♪
♪ Ooh ah ah ♪
♪ They say you
gave rats cancer ♪
♪ But I say
that can't be true ♪
♪ Because you are
so very sweet ♪
♪ That's something
you'd never do ♪
♪ I loved you
I needed you ♪
♪ We had a fine
relationship ♪
♪ Till one day
it got ruined ♪
♪ By the Food and Drug
Administration ♪
♪ And I can
look everywhere ♪
♪ From Arkansas to Akron ♪
♪ But, sugar, there's
no sugar substitute ♪
♪ To substitute
for saccharin ♪
♪ Ahh ♪
♪ Goodbye, saccharin ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ Remember ♪
♪ When I was ♪
♪ Only 10 years old ♪
♪ I was far
from being slender ♪
♪ I saved up
my allowance ♪
♪ For three whole months ♪
♪ Just so I could buy
a blender ♪
♪ Blender ♪
♪ Then I had ♪
♪ My first taste of you ♪
♪ And you stopped
my teenage sobbin' ♪
♪ By showing me that
there was a big wide world ♪
♪ Outside of
Baskin & Robbins ♪
♪ Robbins ♪
♪ But they don't care
about the fact ♪
♪ That since you've
been around ♪
♪ You're the only reason
I can zip my jeans ♪
♪ Without lying down ♪
♪ Saccharin ♪
♪ You left a bitter taste
in my mouth ♪
♪ But you kept my seams
from busting ♪
♪ Without you in my life ♪
♪ My body would be
absolutely disgusting ♪
♪ And I can look
everywhere ♪
♪ from Arkansas to Akron ♪
♪ But, sugar, there's
no sugar substitute ♪
♪ To substitute
for saccharin ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ Goodbye, saccharin ♪
♪ Saccharin ♪
♪ Now what am I
gonna do? ♪
♪ I'm gonna have to put
at least ♪
♪ Five or six teaspoons
of sugar in my coffee ♪
♪ To make it sweet enough ♪
♪ Saccharin, bye-bye ♪
♪ I'll get you, FDA ♪♪
[instrumental music]
[music stops]
[applause]
That was a good one, eh?
I like-a that one
about the saccharin.
I like-a the one, too,
about the little girl.
Little-little
brownie girl.
That was a good one.
You know, it's amazing
this-a place really reminds me
of a school that
the Vatican sent me to.
A place-a called the
Marconi School of Broadcasting.
I went to
the Reggio Calabria Branch.
That's-a the best branch.
And we had a gym
just-a like this one.
We had to take gym.
Also, I went to the seminary,
Gregorian Seminary in Rome
but I never like-a school too
much to tell you the truth.
I find education, it don't
matter where you go to school
Italy, America, Brazil,
all the same.
It's all-a just
memorization.
It don't matter how long
you can remember anything
just so you can parrot it back
for the test.
And I got-a this idea for
a school I would like to start
something called
the five-minute university.
And the idea is that
in five minutes
you learn what
the average college graduate
remembers five years after
he or she's out of school.
Would cost like-a $20.
That might seem
like a lot of money
$20 just for 5 minutes
but that's for like tuition,
cap and gown rental..
...graduation picture..
...snacks, everything.
Everything included.
You know,
like in college
you have to take
foreign language.
Well, at the five-minute
university
you can have your choice
any language you want
you can take it.
Say if you want
to take Spanish
what I teach you is
como esta usted?
That means how are you?
The answer is
muy bien.
That means very well.
Believe me, if you took
two years of college Spanish
five years after you're
out of school
como esta usted?
Muy bien
is about all
you're going to remember.
[applause]
So in my school,
that's all you learn.
You see, you don't have
to waste your time
with conjugations,
vocabulary, all that junk.
You just forget it anyway.
What's the difference?
Economics?
Supply and demand.
[laughter]
That's it.
Business-business is
you buy something
and you sell it
for more.
Theology. I'm going to have
a theology department, you know
since I'm a priest,
it's only right.
And what you have
to learn in theology
is the answer
to the question
where is God?
And the answer is
God is everywhere.
Why?
Because he likes you.
[laughter]
That's-a kind
of a combination
of the Disney and
Roman Catholic philosophies.
It's just-a perfect
for the late 70s,
early 80s, you know?
Just perfect.
Well, after the courses
are all over
then it's time for
a little Easter vacation.
No time to go
to Fort Lauderdale.
Only lasts like 20 seconds..
...but what I do for you
I like to turn on
a sunlamp.
You know, I give you
a little glass of orange juice.
That's-a the snack part,
orange juice.
And then, after vacation
after you swallow it real quick
then it's-a time
for the final exams.
I say to you
como esta usted?
You say muy bien.
Where is God?
God is everywhere.
Economics,
supply and demand.
Then, I put on
your cap and gown.
I get out
my polaroid camera, you know
make a little snap-a flash
picture for you.
I give you the picture.
You give me $20.
I give you diploma
and you're a college graduate
ready to go.
And..
...I'm-a not, I'm-a not-a sure
but I'm pretty sure
right next door
to the five-minute university
I might open up
a little law school.
You know,
you got another minute?
[laughter and applause]
Why don't you put a little hair
on my chest, too?
Really
make 'em wonder.
[Father Sarducci]
'I left Cardinal Fungi
back in the men's room.'
'Was-a like 10 minutes ago
he goes in there.'
'And I'm afraid. Many times
he goes into bathrooms'
'and remembers
how to lock the door'
'then he forgets
how to unlock it.'
I'm not happy
with my hair color.
[Father Sarducci]
'I might have to get
a crowbar or something'
but anyway,
that's my problem.
Was more than wonderful.
See you later.
[speaking Italian]
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
It's about time
you guys got back.
Let's get this over with.
I want to get out of here.
Alright. Let's do it quick
and get the hell out.
Candy?
Aw, man, we don't
have any time.
We don't even have..
Wh-where's Candy?
Did she sleep here
last night or something?
Aw, Spiv, look at this.
Wake up, Candy.
Candy!
Come on!
We don't have all day.
Come on.
Get her to the mike.
Alright. Here we go.
Candy!
Sound check.
Candy!
Come on!
Candy, listen to me.
Candy, come on, listen to me.
It's a sound check.
Just walk it through
for us
so we hear how we sound
and get out.
Booze!
In your hand,
Candy.
Right here,
in your right hand.
There you go.
Take a hit of that.
There you go? Can you do it?
Can you sing now, Can..?
Alright. I know.
One minute, guys.
I know what you need because
I know what you always need.
Give me your nose.
Here's the blowzy. Go.
[inhales]
Go again.
Little blowzy.
[inhales]
That'll keep you going
for a good three minutes.
Okay, let's dedicate
this one to Mick Jagger!
♪ Damn it, Mick ♪
♪ Damn it, Mick ♪
♪ Thin as hell
Bulgin' eyes ♪
♪ Lips so thick ♪
♪ Are you woman?
Are you man? ♪
♪ I'm you biggest
funked up fan ♪
♪ Damn it, Mick
Damn it, Mick ♪
♪ Thin as hell
Bulgin' eyes ♪
♪ Lips so thick ♪
♪ Are you woman?
Are you man? ♪
♪ I'm your biggest
funked up fan ♪
♪ So rock me
and roll me ♪
♪ Till I'm sick ♪
♪ Some girls
want to mojo ♪
♪ Oh, black and white
and slick ♪
♪ But there's suckin'
screamin' mamas yellin' ♪
♪ Damn it, Mick ♪
♪ The 12 by 5
performance ♪
♪ Take my wife
and all that shtick ♪
♪ Makes my dyin'
just to meet you ♪
♪ Damn it, Mick
Damn it, Mick ♪
♪ Thin as hell
Bulgin' eyes ♪
♪ Lips so thick ♪
♪ Are you woman?
Are you man? ♪
♪ I'm your biggest
funked up fan ♪
♪ Rock me roll me
till I'm sick ♪
Aah!
♪ You, Mick Jagger ♪
♪ Actually continued
to perform at a concert ♪
♪ Where someone got
knifed and killed ♪
♪ During the 60s ♪
♪ You, Mick Jagger ♪
♪ Are English
and go out with a model ♪
♪ And get an incredible
amount of publicity ♪
♪ You, Mick Jagger ♪
♪ Don't keep regular hours ♪
♪ You, Mick Jagger ♪
♪ Have the greatest
rock 'n' roll band ♪
♪ In the history
of rock 'n' roll ♪
♪ And you don't even play
an instrument yourself ♪
♪ Rock 'n' roll
Rock 'n' roll ♪
♪ Rock 'n' roll,
Rock 'n' roll ♪
♪ Gimmee gimmee gimmee
rock 'n' roll ♪
♪ Gimmee gimmee
rock 'n' roll ♪
♪ Gimmee gimmee
gimmee gimmee ♪
♪ Gimmee gimmee ♪
♪ I am the band ♪
♪ Damn it, Mick
Damn it, Mick ♪
♪ Thin as hell
Bulgin' eyes ♪
♪ Lips so thick ♪
♪ Are you woman?
Are you man? ♪
♪ I'm your biggest
funked up fan ♪
♪ So rock me
and roll me ♪
♪ Till I'm sick ♪♪
[belches]
[cheering and applause]
[applause]
[classical music]
[laughter]
[applause]
Thank you!
Thank you. Thank you,
Arnie Schnactman
for that lovely rendition
ofChopin's etude in C.
'You can go now, Arnie.'
Oh, that's real funny,
so funny I forgot to laugh.
Don't jump, Arnie!
Stop jumping like that.
[laughing and snorting]
Hello, I'm Lisa Leubner
and that concludes..
[applause]
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you. That concludes
the classical portion
of the students of Mr. Brighton
Annual Piano Recital held here
at the Gus Grissom
Elementary School auditorium.
They made us have it here
at the baby school
'cause they're having
a basketball game
over at the high school.
Big deal.
At this time, I would like
to call your attention
to the mimeographed
lyric sheets
that are inside each
and every one of your programs.
Could everyone please
get them out, so that when I say
"Please refer to your
song sheets, everybody"
you'll have them out
ready to refer to.
Could everyone please
get them out now
so there'll be no
rustling of papers
during my presentation?
Okey-dokey.
I would like to dedicate
the song I'm about to play
to the world's best mom,
Mrs. Edith Leubner
and to my father,
the late Mr. Leubner.
God rest his soul.
The, uh, song that
I'm about to play
is the title song from
the film of the same name
"The Way We Were."
It was composed by my idol,
Marvin Hamlisch.
And the lyrics were written
by Marilyn and Alan Bergman
with whom it's my dream
for Marvin and I
to someday double date.
"The Way We Were."
♪ Misty watercolor ♪
♪ Memories ♪
♪ Of the way we were ♪
♪ Tattered pictures ♪
♪ Of the smiles
we left behind ♪
♪ Smiles we gave
to one another ♪
♪ For the way we were ♪
♪ Can it be that
it was all so simple then? ♪
♪ Or has time
reprinted every line? ♪
♪ If we had the chance
to do it all again ♪
♪ Tell me, would we? ♪
[sobbing]
♪ Could we? ♪♪
Oh, no.
I'm sorry.
This part always gets me.
It evokes the heart-breaking
tragic love story
of Barbra "Katie" Streisand
and Robert "Hubble" Redford.
The film is about,
and I call it a film
not a movie,
the film is about
this outspoken Jewish girl
with a big nose
who goes to Hollywood
with her beautiful blond husband
and gets disgusted.
It was during the time
when McCarthy
was accusing everybody
in Hollywood
of being communist
and even accused
Streisand and Redford
of being communist,
which they're not
and it put a terrible
strain on their marriage.
It was very sad.
I-I saw the film five times,
but I cried six times
'cause after
the fourth time
I knew it so well,
I cried going the fifth time.
♪ Memories ♪
♪ May be beautiful and yet ♪
♪ What's too painful ♪
♪ To remember ♪
♪ We simply choose
to forget ♪
Now, please, refer to your
song sheets, everybody!
[audience joins in]
♪ So it's the laughter ♪
♪ We will remember ♪
♪ Whenever we remember ♪
♪ The way we were ♪
♪ The way we were ♪♪
[cheering and applause]
Where's this-a hoop,
now that I'm here?
Could you make the hoop-a
come down, please?
Okay!
Now, you're talking-a
my language.
[audience]
'Aw!'
Well, it was almost.
Was just a little too far.
I think I can take
one more shot.
It's-a my prerogative.
Think this-a time I can shoot
just a little bit softer
then it can go right in.
[laughter]
[audience cheering]
'Thank you.'
It's not even my sport.
Bocce ball
is my sport.
That's a gentleman sport,
bocce ball.
Don't have to run around
like an animal.
Well, I was a little sad
listening to that song
"The Way We Was."
It was a sad one.
I think that most people,
when they hear a song like that
they kind of project themselves
into it.
You think of how
you used to be
how you've changed
over the years.
I know whenever
I hear that song
I always think of
the Catholic church..
[laughter]
...and how we've changed
over the last 10-15 years.
Times used to be,
oh, so simple then.
What we used to think
was when you die
the soul leaves the body.
It's kind of like
a little bubble in 7-Up.
You know, it just..
...just goes
a-shooting up there.
And we used to think
there was different levels
in heaven.
And it depended on
how holy you are
the lighter the soul is.
So if you're, you know,
real good, a very nice person
you can go way up high
and be with God
and, you know, other nice people
like yourself.
If you're a real,
real bad person
your soul might just raise,
like, four feet.
It's just, you know..
You might spend eternity
hanging around the grill
at some cheap restaurant.
[laughter]
And that's forever.
Forever.
I know some priests,
they say forever and ever.
I really don't think
the "and ever" is necessary.
Forever kind of covers it,
you know?
Forever means forever.
What do you want?
Forever is forever.
Well, we found out
that's not true.
There are no levels
in heaven.
We found out from something
called the phantom letter.
Happened in 1917.
There was this miracle
in Portugal
and these three little
Portuguese kids
they was given this letter
and they was told
"Give the letter
to the Pope
and tell him don't open it
till 1960."
'What it was about was
the secret of life'
'what happens when you die,
all that stuff.'
And what it said
right at the top
big capital letters
it said,
"Vitam est laborem."
That means life is a job.
That's why, you know,
you think life seems so hard
so difficult
most of the time.
It's 'cause it's a job.
It's just-a work.
That's what it's about.
And it said that each of us
we're getting paid 14.50 a day.
That's our wages,
14.50 a day.
And what happens to you
when you die
the soul does
leave the body
and then you see yourself
going down
this-a long, long,
long dark tunnel.
And your whole life
flashes before you
from the day you was born
to the day you die.
Then you come
to the end of the tunnel
and God is there
waiting for you.
And he looks you
straight in the eye
and then he pays you.
You see,
he knows you was coming.
He's like a psychic.
He knows everything.
And he figured it up
all in advance.
14.50 times the number
of days you was living
and he gives you
all of this money.
You got this money
in front of you
and then he starts
going through your sins
and you have to
pay for your sins.
[laughter]
Maybe you heard
of that expression
"You have to
pay for your sins."
That's the truth.
We do have to pay for our sins..
...in cash.
It's a cash deal.
It's, like, maybe when you
was a little kid
maybe stole
a bag of potato chips.
That might be,
like, $6 fine.
So you got to
give him back $6.
'Lying.
Every time you lied, $10.'
'Ten, ten, ten,
ten, ten, ten, ten.'
Just shell it out, you know.
Every single lie, $10.
You know, 10.
Murder.
Murder,
that's-a the worst one.
$100,000.
Masturbation?
[laughter]
I don't know.
[laughter and applause]
Twenty five, thirty five cents
would be my guess.
That's a cheap sin..
...but it can mount up.
You know, 35 times..
Thirty five, thirty five,
thirty five, thirty five..
Well, if you have enough money
to pay off all your sins
then you get
to go to heaven.
If you don't have enough
you have to go back
and be born again.
It's kind of like going back
to work after a little vacation.
Some real bad people,
you know, like Mafioso types
they might have to spend
four-four lifetimes as nuns
just making up for it.
Most nuns are
former Mafiosos.
Didn't know
if you know that.
[laughter and applause]
Well, Cardinal Fungi's
still in the men's room.
I'm afraid he could be
working up real tab back there
if you get-a my drift.
I better go check him out.
Thank you. See you later.
Thank you.
Hello.
Hello,
Father Sarducci.
Hello, Miss Litella.
Hello to you.
Fine, thank you.
Good morning,
boys and girls.
I'm Miss Emily Litella.
[cheering and applause]
Miss.
Emily.
Litella.
Now, this is my first time
substitute teaching
you at P.S. 164,
in Bedford-Stuyvesant.
I'll be taking the place of
your regular teacher Mr. Hawks
until he recovers from
his unfortunate accident.
I heard all about
the stubbing
and his toe must have
smarted pretty badly
if he had to be taken away
in an ambulance.
And I heard it was
the third stubbing
this week at this school.
So, mind your toes.
This morning,
boys and girls
I'll be reading to you
from this book.
"Tiny Kingdom."
'This is a wonderful book.'
I love this book.
Young man,
where are you going?
'What?'
What?
Get fudge?
I don't care for it.
It's too sweet
and rot your teeth.
What?
What?
Get fucked?
Oh! That's very different.
Asshole!
What? Settle down,
all of you! Shush!
'Button your little lips now!
Quiet!'
This is a wonderful book.
"Tiny.."
"..Kingdom."
By Mrs. Elizabeth Wellesley.
She's dead.
"Once upon a time..
"...there was
a beautiful princess
"who lived in a little,
teeny-tiny
"itty-bitty,
little, teeny-tiny..
"...castle.
"And one day..
"...a handsome prince
came riding by
"in a little,
teeny-tiny
"itty-bitty,
little, teeny-tiny..
...carriage."
This is good.
"And the handsome prince
and the beautiful princess
"fell in love
and rode off together
"to live in a little,
teeny-tiny
"itty-bitty,
little, teeny-tiny..
"...kingdom.
"And on
their wedding night
"the princess found
that the prince
had a little, teeny-tiny,
itty-bitty, little.."
[bell ringing]
Never mind.
Class dismissed.
[male announcer]
'Attention, please,
ladies and gentlemen.'
'Your attention, please.'
[drum roll]
'And now..'
'...here
by special invitation..'
'...to give an exhibition
during tonight's'
'A.A.U.
gymnastic championship'
'is the winner
of three gold medals'
'in the 1976 Olympics.'
'Tomorrow she begins
her six-week American tour.'
'Please welcome the Romanian
national gymnastic squad'
'featuring Nadia Comaneci.'
'Ladies and gentlemen'
'please rise for the Romanian
national anthem.'
'Ladies and gentlemen'
please rise for the Romanian
national anthem.
[piano music]
[singing in Romanian]
[piano music]
[in unison]
Hey!
Hi. Remember me?
I'm Nadia Comaneci.
Aren't I Cute?
We are traveling to
high schools and Ramada inns
all over America.
To show young people
the superiority
of Romanian gymnasts
and how cute I am.
And now we will demonstrate
the parallel bars.
[drum roll]
[instrumental "Stayin' Alive"]
Ay!
A lot of young girls
in Romania
first lose their cheechnost
to the parallel bars.
We don't have too much
horseback riding in Romania.
And now I will demonstrate
the balance beam.
[drum roll]
[instrumental music]
Be sure to watch me
when I compete in
the 1980 summer Olympics.
'Cause that's the last time
I will be cute.
We Eastern Europeans
don't age too gracefully.
Pretty soon, I'll be
a big, fat Romanian woman
with a little
black mustache.
You won't want
to see me then.
Remember Olga Korbut?
She used to be cute.
Now she's an elevator repairman
in Leningrad.
But not Nadia Comaneci.
I'm still darling!
[instrumental music]
Oh, my cheechnost!
[male announcer]
'All the way from Romania'
ladies and gentlemen,
Nadia Comaneci
and the Romanian
national gymnastic squad.
Dean Vaiter,
faculty
graduating seniors,
distinguished guests
ladies and gentlemen, uh..
...as president
of the graduating class
it is my pleasure
to introduce
this evening's
guest speaker.
Uh, I must confess that we were
a bit frantic this morning
as our originally scheduled
speaker Geraldo Rivera
uh, suddenly fell ill
and was forced to cancel.
I'm told
it's nothing serious.
Just a little minor surgery
that had to be attended to.
And I understand that
Mr. Rivera is feeling better
and regrets that he can't
be with us this evening.
Uh, however, we were
fortunate to find
a most distinguished
replacement.
She is an award-winning
broadcast journalist
from Channel 4's,
Weekend UpdateNews Team
and we do thank her
for graciously accepting
our last minute invitation.
Please welcome
Ms. Roseanne Rosanadana.
Thanks a lot.
Thanks.
First of all..
Thanks.
Thanks a lot.
First of all,
I got to say
it's an extreme pleasure,
a joy, a thrill
an up
and a real snappy surprise
for me,
Roseanne Rosanadana.
To give the commencement speech
to the graduating class
of the Columbia School
of Journalism.
At first, when they
called me this morning
6:30, thanks a lot.
I was real excited
'cause I figured
there's no greater honor
than for an alumnus
to give the graduating speech
at his alma mater.
But I suppose that I,
Roseanne Rosanadana
will have to wait
for that honor
'cause I found out
your school is not affiliated
with the Columbia School
of Broadcasting.
But you guys was
in big trouble
'cause Geraldo Rivera
was sick as a dog.
So I figure why not
come down here
and speak to the young
journalists of tomorrow?
Geraldo had a boil
that had to be lanced.
It was one of those round ones
that's hard like a rock
and it was on his neck.
Like a lump.
Even if he had it drained,
you know how messy
those things are, it would've
got all over his shirt.
It would have made you sick
during your graduation.
So it's just as good
he's not here.
Anyways, as I look out
at your sweet, young
tender little
journalistic faces
with those stupid
flat black hats on
with the tassels
hanging off of 'em
I can't help but know exactly
what you're thinking.
You're probably saying,
"Hey, I'm a college graduate."
"I spent a lot
of time at school."
"What does journalism
have to offer me?"
"What do I have to
offer journalism?"
"What's there
to write about?"
"What's there
to write with?"
"Should I use a pencil
or a typewriter?"
"What kind of pencil?
A number two or darker?"
"Do I bring them, or does
my boss give them to me?"
"If I don't,
will I get fired?
"I'll starve and then I'll die.
What should I do?"
Class of '79,
for college graduates
you sure ask a lot
of dumb questions.
I know exactly
what you're going through
'cause I remember when I,
Roseanne Rosanadana
first entered the field.
I was real nervous.
Imagine, if you will,
a sweet, young, idealistic
little Roseanne Rosanadana
fresh out of school
and looking for a job
in journalism.
I filled out applications,
I went to interviews
and they all told me
the same thing.
"You're overqualified.
You're under-qualified."
"Don't call us.
It's a jungle out there."
"A woman's place's at home. Drop
dead. Have a nice day. Goodbye."
But I didn't give up.
I mean, even after
I had this interview
with the head
of personnel at CBS
the Tiffany Network
and this guy says to me
"Ms. Rosanadana,
why don't you look for a job
in the wonderful world
of fast foods?"
Well, I was kind
of P.O'd at that.
I'm walking
down the hall
when who do I see
sitting in his office
eating his lunch, but Mr. CBS
himself, Walter Cronkite.
Just between you and me,
Roseanne Rosanadana
you know what that hot-shot
news guy eats for lunch?
Luncheon meat
on white bread with butter
with one piece of lettuce
that got wilted
from being between
the meat and the butter.
That fancy-schmancy
news guy's
eating that pink bologna meat
with white dots in it
that you don't know
what it is.
What are those dots?
Is that cheese in there?
'I thought it was a q-tip
got in there'
'or maybe
it was Rivera's boil'
'got in there
or something.'
Anyways...I really poured
on the Rosanadana charm.
I made him a cup of coffee.
I showed him my resume.
I told him a lot
of journalism jokes.
Finally,
Cronkite says to me
"Roseanne, you should have
a job here at CBS."
Well, everything
is going great.
Then, all of a sudden
this wooden chair
that I'm sitting on
makes a...noise
on the floor.
Well, I thought
I was gonna die.
Cronkite says, "Ugh!
Did that come out of you?"
I go,
"No way, Mr. Cronkite.
I swear that
didn't come out of me."
So then I tried
to move the chair again
to get it
to make the same noise.
I moved that chair
all over his office
and I couldn't get it
to make that noise again.
Finally, it makes
a little, tiny noise
and Cronkite starts
lighting matches in there.
And he says,
"Get out of here.
You're making me sick."
I felt real bad 'cause
the guy was eating his lunch.
Well, I probably don't have to
tell a lot ofcollege graduates
that Iwas real down
after that.
I was depressed as a dog.
But I didn't give up.
I said to myself,
"R.R."
"Yes, you can.
I'm okay, you're okay"
"I'm my own best friend.
my mother, myself.
"I have no fear of flying.
I am woman, hear me roar."
I didn't give up,
and I made it
and pretty big,
I might add.
So let me wrap
this thing up real quick
by saying it just goes to show
you, it's always something.
If it's not one thing,
it's another.
Either you can't get a job
or Walter Cronkite thinks you
cut the cheese in his office.
It's just like
this little graduation song
my father sang
when I went to bed.
He'd tuck me in, all snuggly,
put powder under my arms
make sure my toes were under
the covers and I'm all cute.
And he'd sing to me
this graduation song
which was written by my
grandmother, Nana Rosanadana.
And I'm gonna sing it
to you for your graduation.
♪ Should old acquaintance
be forgot ♪
♪ I hope you'll
hear my plea ♪
♪ Roseanne my dear ♪
♪ You'll get a job ♪
♪ If you listen to me ♪
♪ Just sit quite still ♪
♪ And don't you move ♪
♪ During your interview ♪
♪ 'Cause if you move ♪
♪ Your boss will think ♪
♪ The fart
came out of you ♪♪
Goodnight, my little
Roseanne Rosanadanas.
Good luck class of '79.
Thanks a lot.
You knew it was me,
didn't you?
Um...I, uh..
...remember when I
was in high school.
At the end of the year,
they always had the prom.
I made a big deal about it and
it always made me miserable.
I was either miserable
because I didn't have a date
or I was miserable
because I did have a date
and didn't know
what to wear.
But no matter what, I'll never
forget what it'd be like
when you'd go to school
and it be nighttime
and you'd walk
into the gym
and it wasn't
a gym anymore.
It was...it was a party.
And all your friends
from school were there
but they always had on
more makeup
than they wore during the week
and they looked better.
And sometimes you had
a good time at the prom
and sometimes you
didn't have a good time.
But what I learned was,
it was never the party
that was the good part.
It was always
after the party.
Like this one time, this guy,
I figured he really liked me
because he invited me
to come over to his house
and listen to a record
and that was during the time
when we all still lived
at our parents houses.
So I went with him
and we went down
into his basement
or rec room
and he put on Mel Brooks
and Carl Reiner's
2,000 year old man.
And we both sat down
on the couch
and we're listening
to the record and laughing.
And then he kissed me
...for a real long time.
And then we listened to the
record some more and laughed
and then we both laid down
on the couch next to each other
and listened
to the record some more
and laughed and kissed
...and it was probably one
of the most
romantic times of my life
and I'd like
to dedicate this song
to him and to that time.
[instrumental music]
♪ Honey touch me ♪
♪ With my clothes on ♪
♪ Sweetie baby ♪
♪ Longer than you do ♪
♪ Honey kiss me ♪
♪ With your mouth closed ♪
♪ Just like you love me
and I love you ♪
♪ Now whatever happened ♪
♪ To Johnny Mathis ♪
♪ To moments
when your lips ♪
♪ Met mine ♪
♪ So in love
were we two ♪
♪ We didn't know
what to do ♪
♪ And chances ♪
♪ Were awfully good ♪
♪ That love
could be so fine ♪
♪ And whatever happened ♪
♪ To slow slow dancin' ♪
♪ And imaginin' ♪
♪ How heaven could be ♪
♪ Ooh ooh ooh ♪
♪ Falling in love ♪
♪ Was wonderful wonderful ♪
♪ Lovin' baby
was a dream fantasy ♪
♪ Honey touch me ♪
♪ With my clothes on ♪
♪ Sweetie baby ♪
♪ Longer than you do ♪
♪ Honey kiss me ♪
♪ With your mouth closed ♪
♪ Just like you love me ♪
♪ And I love you ♪
♪ Seems so sad ♪
♪ Hurts so bad ♪
♪ Don't be cruel ♪
♪ I'm a fool ♪♪ Such a fool ♪
♪ Only you ♪
♪ Mister blue ♪
♪ Can't you see ♪
♪ Must it be ♪
♪ Maybe ♪
♪ Ma-ay-be ♪♪ Ma-ay-ay-ay-be ♪
[music continues]
♪ And I love you ♪
♪ Now whatever happened ♪
♪ To Johnny Mathis ♪
♪ Gee wasn't
his vibrato great ♪
♪ Oh baby ♪
♪ So much love
have we two ♪
♪ With so little
left to do ♪
♪ Too much ♪
♪ Too little ♪
♪ Too late ♪
♪ Touch me ♪
♪ Too much ♪
♪ Too little ♪
♪ Too late ♪
♪ Kiss me ♪
♪ Too much ♪
♪ Too little ♪
♪ Too late ♪
♪ Touch me ♪
♪ Touch me
with my clothes on ♪
♪ Ooh ♪♪
[instrumental music]
[music continues]
[music continues]
[music continues]
[instrumental music]
[music continues]