Gigli (2003) - full transcript

♪

(Larry)
YOU SEE, AFTER ALL
IS SAID AND DONE,

THE ONLY THING YOU
CAN BE REALLY SURE OF,

THE ONLY THING YOU CAN
REALLY COUNT ON

IN THIS WORLD,

IS THAT YOU JUST
NEVER FUCKING KNOW.

I BET THE LAST THING
YOU WERE THINKIN' ABOUT

WHEN YOU WERE TYING
YOUR SHOELACES
THIS MORNING

WAS THAT THERE WAS A CHANCE
THAT BY THE END OF THE DAY,
THIS DAY,

THOSE SAME SHOELACES
WERE GOIN' TO BE UNTIED

BY SOMEBODY WORKING
FOR THE CORONER'S OFFICE.



AM I RIGHT?

I'M RIGHT, RIGHT?

HEY! GET THE FUCK
OUT OF HERE!

WHAT, YOU WANNA KNOW
ABOUT THIS?

GET THE FUCK
OUT OF HERE!

TAKE THAT SHIT
TO THE DRY CLEANERS.

NOW!

[sighs]

SORRY. LONG DAY.

WHERE WAS I?
OK.

YOU KNOW, THE HUMAN BODY IS,
LIKE,

80 PERCENT MOISTURE,
RIGHT?

HOW MUCH DO YOU WEIGH?
165? 170?

NOW, I FIGURE
IF YOU COULD
SOMEHOW EXTRACT



80 PERCENT OF THAT,

YOU'D HAVE...
GIVE ME A SECOND...

34 POUNDS

OF, LIKE, SOLID,

NOT MEAT...

IT'D BE MORE LIKE
BEEF JERKY, YOU KNOW?

BUT WITH HAIR
AND BONES AND TEETH,

SHRIVELED-UP
TATTOOS AND WHATNOT.

PROBABLY BE, LIKE, THIS BIG.

IN ANY EVENT,

YOU'RE STARTIN' TO FOLLOW
MY DRIFT HERE, PAPI?

BECAUSE SOMEBODY HAS SOME MONEY
THAT BELONGS TO LOUIS.

IS IT YOU, PERCHANCE?

IS IT YOU
THAT HAS SOME MONEY
THAT BELONGS TO LOUIS?

NO, NO.

- IS IT?
- NO.

- IS IT?
- NO.

NO? SURE?

- YEAH.
- OK.

I'M GONNA START
THIS THING AND LEAVE.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?
PERMANENT PRESS
OR DELICATE? NAH.

WOULDN'T BE APPROPRIATE
IF I ASKED YOU

IF YOU HAD
CHANGE FOR A DOLLAR.

I GOT IT. I GOT IT.

ALL RIGHT. CALM DOWN.
I JUST NEED 4 QUARTERS.

NO. I GOT
LOUIS'S MONEY.

OH.
YOU GOT IT.

YEAH, I DO.

WELL, I GOT SOME OF IT,
ANYWAYS.

NAH, THIS ISN'T
WHAT WE TALKED ABOUT.

NAH, THIS IS--
IT'S FUCKING SIMPLE.

- FUCKIN' BREAKING THE CONTRACT.
- (man) ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.

- IT'S VERY SIMPLE.
I GIVE YOU, YOU GIVE ME.

YOU DON'T GIVE ME, THAT'S
NOT RIGHT. BREACH OF CONTRACT.

YOU'RE FUCKIN' UP.
THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE DOING.

WHAT DO YOU THINK
I'M OUT HERE FOR?
I'M ASKING YOU A QUESTION.

- WHAT DO YOU THINK
I'M OUT HERE FOR, HUH?
- LOUIS,

I'M REALLY SCARED NOW.

YOU'RE SCARED
NOW? I DON'T GIVE A FUCK.

I TOLD YOU NOT TO LET THIS
GET OUT OF CONTROL, DIDN'T I?

WHAT'D I TELL YOU?
I TOLD YOU THAT,
RIGHT? RIGHT?

LISTEN, HERE'S WHAT
YOU'RE GONNA DO
FOR ME, OK?

YOU'RE GONNA COME
SEE ME TOMORROW

AND YOU'RE GONNA
BRING ME SOMETHING.

OK, YOU HEAR ME?
- YES. YES, I DO.

SOMETHING TO SCALE,
ALL RIGHT?

OTHERWISE I CAN'T--I CAN'T
TALK TO YOU NO MORE,
ALL RIGHT?

I'M GONNA HAVE TO SEND
JIGGLY OVER,

AND HE'S GONNA HAVE TO
SETTLE UP WITH YOU.

YOU COME TO ME TOMORROW
OR HE GOES TO YOU TOMORROW.
VERY SIMPLE.

- I'LL BE HERE TOMORROW.
- YEAH?

- THAT'S GOOD.
- AND I'M NOT
KIDDIN' YA.

- GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE NOW.
- OK?

GET THE FUCK...
GO, YOU FUCKIN'...

FUCKIN' ROACH.

FUCKING CLASS OF PEOPLE.

I'M IN SIBERIA
AROUND HERE.

I KNOW.

FUCK THIS CITY.

I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU
GUYS CUT IT OUT HERE.

IT'S, UH, IT'S GIGLI,
BY THE WAY.

- WHAT?
- MY NAME IS GI--

PRONOUNCED "ZHEE-LEE."
IT RHYMES WITH "REALLY.

IS THAT RIGHT?
IS THAT SO?

YEAH.

ALL RIGHT.
WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT,

I'LL REMEMBER THAT
FOR THE NEXT TIME, THEN.

MEANWHILE, YOU GOT
SOMETHIN' FOR ME,
GIGLI...

RHYMES WITH REALLY?

IT'S--IT'S ABOUT HALF.

HALF?

HALF FOR TODAY.

BELIEVE ME,
THAT'S ALL THE GUY HAD.

YOU KNOW,
IT'S BETTER THAN NOTHIN'.

HOW ABOUT IT'S
NOT BETTER THAN NOTHIN',
YOU FUCKIN' IDIOT?

BETTER IS FUCK THE MONEY

AND THEN YOU HURT HIM,
IT'S TO SPREAD THE WORD.

SINCE WHEN ARE YOU
AUTHORIZED TO MAKE
CORPORATE POLICY DECISIONS?

I'M SORRY, LOUIS.
I DIDN'T KNOW.
I'M SORRY.

ARE YOU ALL THEY
GOT TO OFFER AROUND HERE?

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE
LIKE THIS VICIOUS,
FUCKIN' MAD DOG.

I'M SORRY.

WALK WITH ME.

THERE IS A CERTAIN
INDIVIDUAL

WHO IS CREATING
VERY SUBSTANTIAL
DIFFICULTIES

FOR A DEAR FRIEND
OF MINE IN NEW YORK.

NOW, THIS CERTAIN PARTY

IS VERY BULLHEADED
AND SEEMS TO BE REMOVED

FROM WHAT I
WOULD LIKE TO CALL
MY SPHERE OF INFLUENCE.

ALL RIGHT,
HOW CAN I HELP?

THE PLOT NEEDS A TWIST.

THE INDIVIDUAL
NEEDS TO BE TOUCHED
IN SOME MANNER AS TO, UH,

CONVINCE HIM OF
THE ERROR OF HIS WAYS

BEFORE HE CAN
HURT OTHER PEOPLE,

PARTICULARLY
MY FRIEND FROM NEW YORK.

RIGHT.

NOW, THIS CERTAIN
INDIVIDUAL,
HE'S GOT A, UH,

A BELOVED RELATIVE
WITH CERTAIN
PSYCHOLOGICAL DEFECTS.

I WANT THE RELATIVE GOTTEN,
ALL RIGHT?

AND I WANT HIM,
FOR THE TIME BEING,
HELD ONTO.

PERHAPS THEN

REASON CAN PREVAIL.

YOU--YOU'RE FOLLOWING
ALL THIS?

YEAH, ALL OF IT.

ALL OF IT.

GOT IT.

ALL RIGHT. WAIT.
WHOA. WHOA.

WHERE IS HE?

OVER THERE.

RIGHT THERE?
THAT'S HIM?

ALL RIGHT.

THANKS.

I'M ALL RIGHT.
YOU CAN GO OUTSIDE.
I'M OK.

THANKS.

HEY.

ARE YOU BRIAN?

HUH?

BRIAN.

I KNOW YOU'RE BRIAN.

YOUR FRIEND RATTED
YOU OUT BACK THERE.

HELLO?

WHAT ARE YOU, UH,
EATIN' THERE?

WHAT DO YOU GOT, UH?
WHAT ARE THOSE, POLLY SEEDS?

THEY'RE NOT.
YOU'RE STUPID.

I'M STUPID.

THEY LOOK LIKE
POLLY SEEDS TO ME.

- THEY'RE SUNFLOWER SEEDS.
- IT'S THE SAME THING.

WE JUST CALLED THEM
POLLY SEEDS WHEN I WAS A KID.

YOU MUST BE
THE STUPIDEST PERSON,
YOU PISS-HEAD, PISSER-FUCKER.

[sighs]
AHEM. ALL RIGHT, LOOK.

ME AND YOU, WE'RE SUPPOSED
TO GO FOR A QUICK WALK.
YOU READY?

YEAH, WE GOTTA GO
TAKE A WALK
AROUND THE BLOCK.

- WHAT DO YOU SAY?
- I WON'T GIVE ANYBODY MY SEEDS.

BARRY ALWAYS ASKS
WHY I DON'T GIVE
ANYBODY ANY.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
KEEP THOSE.

THAT'S FOR YOU, OK?

COME ON, LET'S GO.
WE'RE GONNA TAKE A WALK.
COME ON.

- [yelps] WHAT DID THAT?!
- SHH.

HE'S KIDDIN'. HE'S KIDDIN'.
HE'S KIDDIN'.

AH...

SORRY ABOUT THAT.

ALL RIGHT, LOOK,
IT'S REAL SIMPLE.

YOU AND I
ARE GONNA GO OUTSIDE
AND TAKE A LITTLE WALK.

I WON'T GRAB YOU AGAIN, OK?

- I HAVE TO GO TO THE BAYWATCH.
- I'M SORRY, WHAT?

I HAVE TO GO TO THE BAYWATCH.
I WAS GONNA GO.

YOU WANNA WATCH BAYWATCH?

ROLL BY MY APARTMENT,
WE'LL TURN ON BAYWATCH.

AH! YOU'RE THE STUPIDEST PERSON.
YOU'RE THE STUPIDEST PERSON.

NOT TELEVISION.
THE BAYWATCH.

OH.

THE BAYWATCH?

YEAH, THE BAYWATCH.

OK. ALL RIGHT.

YEAH. THE BAYWATCH.

CAN I GO?

YOU WANNA GO NOW?

TO THE BAYWATCH.

YEAH. I'M GOIN' THERE.

I WAS ON MY WAY.

[both laughing]

- YES, I WOULD.
- ALL RIGHT.

- YES, I WOULD.
- LET'S GO, LET'S GO.

LET'S GO.

COME ON, LET'S GO.

OK, I GOTTA GET MY RADIO.
I GOTTA GET MY RADIO.

THE MUSIC'S
GONNA BE GOOD THERE.

OK, GOOD.

[whooping]

BAYWATCH!

[chuckling]

HERE WE COME.

HEY, UH, WAIT A MINUTE.

YOU HEAR THAT, NOW?
WHAT IS THAT?

YOU HEAR THAT?
- NO.

YEP, IT'S MY
WALKIE-TALKIE CALLIN'.

YEAH, HELLO?

HEY, I TOLD YOU,
DON'T EVER BOTHER ME AGAIN

WHEN I'M TAKIN'
TRIPS WITH MY FRIENDS.

YEP.

WHAT? NO,
WE'RE GOIN' TO
THE BAYWATCH.

YEP, THAT'S RIGHT,
THE BAYWATCH.

HUH?

NO!

HOLY MACKEREL.

WOULD YOU KNOW
WHEN THEY'RE GONNA BE
OPEN AGAIN?

AH, OK.

WE'LL CALL YOU
TOMORROW FOR THE UPDATE. OK.

HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT?

THE BAYWATCH IS CLOSED TODAY.

NO.

TOMORROW WE'LL GO.
WE'LL GO TOMORROW.

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

THIS ALWAYS
HAPPENS LIKE THAT, RIGHT?

WHEN YOU--
WHEN YOU PLAN A BIG TRIP.

[phone ringing]

HELLO.

HELLO THERE. P.O.B.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

P.O.B.
LIMO DRIVERS SAY THAT.

THAT'S GOOD.
WHAT DOES IT MEAN?

P.O.B. PASSENGER ON BOARD.

ALREADY, HUH?

(Larry)
YEAH, ALREADY.

THAT'S GOOD.

YOU HEADED BACK
TO YOUR PLACE?

I AM, I AM.

(Louis)
GOOD. WE'LL TALK LATER.

YEAH, WE'LL TALK LATER.

COME ON IN.
IT'S ALL RIGHT.

I DON'T BITE.

COME ON.

HEY, YOU HUNGRY?

I GOT FOOD.

HUH?

YOU THIRSTY?

I WANT A SODA.

YOU WANT A SODA?
I'M OUT OF SODA.

WANT A WATER?

HUH? HEY,
YOU WANT A WATER?

I'LL GET YOU A WATER.

ALL RIGHT. HOW IS THAT?

GOOD?

I WANNA GO HOME.

ALL RIGHT, YOU GOT TO
STAY HERE FOR A LITTLE BIT.

NO, I WANNA GO HOME.

NO, WE GOT TO STAY HERE.

CAN'T DO IT RIGHT NOW.

SO MAYBE YOU WANNA
WATCH T.V. OR CARTOONS?

I WANNA GO HOME.

WE GOT TO STAY HERE.

NO.

- BRIAN, WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'?
- TAKE ME HOME NOW.

- STOP.
- HEY!

FUCK ALL OF YOU!
YOU STUPID SOUP-FUCKER!

WHAT?

DON'T DO THAT,
MOTHERFUCKER!

BRIAN, WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?
CUT THAT OUT.

CUT IT OUT! STOP! STOP!
BE QUIET!

- I'M GOIN' TO THE BAYWATCH.
- BRIAN!

- I'M GOIN' TO THE BAYWATCH.
- HEY!

I'M GOIN' TO THE BAYWATCH.

ALL RIGHT.

[burps]

WHERE ARE MY SEEDS?

HUH?

THEY'RE
SUNFLOWER SEEDS, IDIOT.

- THEY'RE RIGHT THERE.
- THEY'RE SUNFLOWER SEEDS!

OK, THEY'RE RIGHT THERE.

- THEY'RE SUNFLOWER SEEDS!
- BEHIND YOU.

THEY'RE RIGHT THERE.

RIGHT THERE.

OK.

[doorbell ringing]

STAY HERE.

EVERYTHING'S FINE.

JUST KIDDIN' AROUND.

HELLO.

HI.

MAY I BE OF SOME ASSISTANCE?

WELL, THAT REMAINS
TO BE SEEN.

- [chuckling]
- LOOK, I'M--

I'M SORRY TO BOTHER YOU.
IT'S JUST, UH...

I WAS WONDERING
IF IT WOULDN'T BE

TOO MUCH TROUBLE IF
I COULD USE YOUR PHONE
FOR A SECOND.

- THAT'S-- I, UH...
- RIGHT.

I JUST TOOK
A ONE-BEDROOM IN THE FRONT,

AND I'VE BEEN WAITIN' ALL DAY

FOR THE PHONE COMPANY
TO COME HOOK ME UP, BUT...

YEAH, IT'S JUST KIND
OF A BAD...

IT'LL ONLY TAKE A SECOND,
I PROMISE.

YOU KNOW,
IT'S PROBABLY A LOCAL CALL.

I CAN'T.
I'M SORRY, YOU KNOW.

I'LL BE IN AND OUT
BEFORE YOU KNOW IT.

I PROMISE.

JUST LEAVE A FAINT SCENT.

[sighs]

YEAH, ALL RIGHT.
COME ON IN.

THANK YOU.

SURE.

IT'S, UH...
THE PHONE'S
RIGHT THERE.

I PROMISE
IT'LL ONLY TAKE A MINUTE.

ALL RIGHT.

AHEM.

HELLO.

WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'?
GO SIT DOWN.
GO IN THE KITCHEN.

THESE COMPUTER
ANSWERING THINGS,

THEY DRIVE ME NUTS.

YOU'RE MAKIN'
A TELEPHONE CALL.

THAT'S RIGHT,
SHE'S MAKIN'
A TELEPHONE CALL.

DON'T CALL BAYWATCH
BECAUSE THEY'RE CLOSED TODAY.

[chuckling]

I WOULDN'T THINK OF IT.

I'M SORRY, I GOT TO ASK.

DO WE KNOW EACH OTHER?

NOT YET.

I'M RICKI.

LARRY.

LARRY GIGGLY, RIGHT?

I SAW IT ON THE MAILBOX.

YEAH, IT'S PRONOUNCED
"ZHEE-LEE," LIKE, UH...

RHYMES WITH "REALLY."

IT'S NICE TO MEET YOU,
LARRY GIGLI.

NICE TO MEET YOU, LARRY.

[chuckling]

WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

BOB.

YOU'RE STUPID.
THAT'S NOT MY NAME.

THAT'S NOT YOUR NAME?

WHAT IS YOUR NAME, SWEETIE?

THAT'S IT.
HIS NAME'S BOB.

HIS NAME'S NOT BOB.

YOUR NAME IS BOB.

WELL, WHATEVER YOUR NAME IS,

HAS ANYONE
EVER TOLD YOU YOU'RE
A VERY HANDSOME YOUNG MAN?

CAN I TALK TO
YOU FOR A MINUTE?

SURE.

IN PRIVATE.

I CAN'T FUCKIN'
BELIEVE THIS.

IT'S AN UNEXPECTED BONUS.

WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
YOU WERE A BABE MAGNET?

YOU'RE BETTER THAN
A FUCKIN' DOG.

YOU'RE A DOG,
YOU DOG-HEAD PISS-FART!

OH, WHATEVER.

YOU KNOW,
I HEARD YOU WERE
A BIT OF A FUCK-UP.

BUT I GOTTA TELL YOU,
I'M FRANKLY AMAZED

AT HOW MUCH OF A FUCK-UP
YOU ACTUALLY ARE.

AM I MISSIN' SOMETHING HERE?

WELL, IT WOULD SEEM SO.

BUT YOU KNOW,
WHY DON'T YOU CALL LOUIS

AND HE'LL EXPLAIN
EVERYTHING TO YOU.

UH, I, UH...

I DON'T KNOW THAT
I KNOW ANY LOUIS.

WELL, THEN I GUESS
HE HASN'T CALLED YOU

TO TELL YOU HE
DOESN'T TRUST YOU

WITH A TASK
OF THIS MAGNITUDE.

THAT HE FEELS
THE STAKES ARE TOO HIGH.

- NOPE.
- "NOPE."

WELL, THEN I GUESS HE ALSO
PROBABLY HASN'T CALLED
TO TELL YOU

THAT HE'D FEEL MUCH MORE
COMFORTABLE IF THERE WERE
TWO INDEPENDENT, UNACQUAINTED,

PERHAPS EVEN MUTUALLY HOSTILE
CONTRACTORS WORKING ON THIS,

SO THEY COULD KEEP
AN EYE ON ONE ANOTHER?

NOPE.

YOU KNOW WHAT,
THERE'S NO REASON
FOR YOU TO TAKE MY WORD

FOR PRECISELY
HOW SECOND-RATE
HE CONSIDERS YOU.

IT'D PROBABLY MAKE
BOTH OUR LIVES A LOT EASIER

IF YOU JUST HEARD IT
DIRECTLY FROM HIM.

[phone ringing]

THAT'S GOOD STUFF.
I HAD THAT TODAY.

EXCUSE ME ONE MINUTE.

SURE.

LOUIS, YOU THERE?

I'M HERE.
WHAT DO YOU WANT?

YEAH, THERE'S THIS, UH,

YOUNG LADY HERE
TRYING TO TELL ME THAT--

ALL RIGHT,
THIS THING IS MONUMENTAL, OK?

CERTAINLY TOO BIG
FOR A JERK-OFF LIKE YOURSELF,

BUT TODAY, I HAD NO CHOICE.

(Louis)
THIS THING REPRESENTS
MY ASS AND MY FUTURE.

I WANT YOU TO WORK
WITH HER AND I WANT YOU

TO WATCH HER AS SHE
WILL BE WATCHING YOU.

I WANT YOU TO KNOW

THAT I WILL
PERSONALLY EXCORIATE
ANYONE RESPONSIBLE

FOR THE TINIEST
FUCK-UP IN THIS ACTION.

AND I WANT YOU TO
UNDERSTAND THAT.

YES, LOUIS.

"YES, LOUIS"?

DO YOU HAPPEN TO KNOW
WHAT "EXCORIATE" MEANS?

UH...

IT'S NOT COMIN' TO ME
AT THE MOMENT.

IT MEANS "TO STRIP
OR WEAR OFF THE SKIN OF,

TO FLAY."

NOW, I'M LEARNING
A WORD A DAY.

AND IT'S CRITICAL TO USE
THESE WORDS IN CONVERSATION,

BUT THAT'S NOT WHY I USED IT
IN THIS CONVERSATION.

IN THIS CONVERSATION
I USED IT BECAUSE I MEANT IT.

NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME,
I'LL BE GOING NOW.

ALL RIGHT,
I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER.

YEAH,
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

OK.

NOW DON'T GET
YOURSELF ALL TIED
IN A KNOT.

OK? I DON'T KNOW
THIS GUY,

AND HE DOESN'T KNOW ME.

BUT MY REPUTATION
APPARENTLY IS PRETTY SOLID.

SO WHY DON'T YOU JUST
GET YOURSELF STRAIGHT,

AND WE CAN PUT THIS
WHOLE THING BEHIND US.

AND IF YOU HAVE ANY
DECAFFEINATED OR HERBAL TEA,

I WOULD REALLY BE
MOST APPRECIATIVE.

- I WANT TEA.
- TWO TEAS.

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHIN',
OK?

I DON'T KNOW WHO THE FUCK
YOU THINK YOU ARE,

BUT I DON'T WORK
LIKE THIS.

YOU GOT THAT?

IF YOU WANNA TALK
ABOUT REPUTATIONS,

AND IF BY SOME
FUCKIN' MIRACLE LONG SHOT

YOU HAVEN'T HEARD
OF MY REPUTATION,

LET ME TELL YOU
WHO THE FUCK I AM.

I AM THE FUCKIN'
SULTAN OF SLICK, SADIE.

I AM THE RULE
OF FUCKIN' COOL.

YOU WANNA BE A GANGSTER?
YOU WANNA BE A THUG?

YOU SIT AT MY FUCKIN' FEET.

GATHER THE PEARLS
THAT EMANATE FORTH FROM ME.

BECAUSE I'M
THE FUCKIN' ORIGINAL,

STRAIGHT-FIRST-FOREMOST,
PIMP-MACK

FUCKIN' HUSTLER,
ORIGINAL GANGSTER'S GANGSTER.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT
YOU'RE TALKIN' ABOUT,

BUT I'M GONNA GO
AND GET MY STUFF.

AND DON'T YOU WORRY
YOUR LITTLE GANGSTER'S
GANGSTER HEAD ABOUT IT,

I CAN MANAGE.

[door closing]

HOW MANY CUPS
OF YOUR OWN SPIT

DO YOU THINK YOU
SWALLOW EVERY DAY, LARRY?

I THINK ABOUT 35 CUPS.

WOULD YOU JUST
SHUT THE FUCK UP.

YOU'RE AN IDIOT!

- WHAT IS IT WITH YOU?
- NO, YOU!

WHAT, YOU JUST GO IN AND OUT,
RIGHT?

YOU'RE AN IDIOT.

WHAT THE FUCK
ARE YOU TALKIN' ABOUT?

YOU'RE THE FUCK,
YOU STUPID DUCK-FUCK.

WHY DON'T YOU DO ME A FAVOR
AND JUST ACT FUCKIN'
NORMAL FOR A MINUTE.

- LOOKS LIKE--
- JUST FOR A MINUTE.

YOU'LL END UP WITH
ELLIOT OVER THERE.

I KNOW YOU UNDERSTAND
WHAT I'M TALKIN' ABOUT.
JUST FUCKIN' BE NORMAL, OK.

I'M TELLING YOU--

NOT FUCKIN' CRAZY! NORMAL!

HOW ABOUT IF I SMACK YOU
IN THE FUCKIN' HEAD, HUH?

- HEY! LEAVE HIM ALONE.
WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'?

WE'RE SUPPOSED TO WATCH HIM,
NOT SLAP HIM AROUND.

DON'T TELL ME WHAT
WE'RE SUPPOSED TO DO.

WELL, HOW ABOUT THIS?
YOU LEAVE HIM ALONE
OR I'LL KILL YOU.

OH, YOU'LL KILL ME, HUH?

FU-FUCK YOU! GO AHEAD.

I'LL KILL YOU.

DON'T-- YOU DON'T TELL ME
WHAT TO DO. OK?

DON'T TELL ME
WHAT WE MIGHT DO.

DON'T TELL ME
WHAT WE'RE SUPPOSED TO DO.

DON'T TELL ME
WHAT WE MAYBE SHOULD DO.

DON'T EVER TELL ME NOTHIN'!

WELL, I'LL TELL YOU THIS,

YOU LEAVE HIM ALONE
OR I'LL KILL YOU.

I'M GONNA SAY 35 CUPS.

I'M GONNA SAY
35 CUPS OF SPIT.

I'M A GENIUS.
I'M A GENIUS, MON.

[chuckling]

WHAT'S HE TALKIN' ABOUT?

I DON'T KNOW.

LOOK, WHY DON'T WE TRY
AND MAKE THIS PLEASANT.

OK?

NICE.

EASY.

SO, WHAT DO YOU
NORMALLY HIRE OUT FOR?

I DO JOBS
OF VARIOUS TYPES.

HOW ABOUT YOURSELF?

ME, TOO.

I DO VARIOUS TYPES OF JOBS
OF VARIOUS KINDS.

WELL, THERE YOU HAVE IT.

HOW COME I NEVER
SEEN YOU AROUND BEFORE?

I'M FROM ANOTHER PLACE.

W-WHERE WOULD THAT BE, RICKI?

SOMEWHERE ELSE, LARRY.

OH. OK. I SEE.

AND MY NAME'S
NOT REALLY RICKI.

AND WHAT WOULD IT BE, THEN?

THEN HOW ABOUT I
KEEP CALLIN' YOU RICKI
JUST TO PISS YOU OFF?

IF IT'LL MAKE YOU HAPPY.

YEAH, IT WILL.

THIS ISN'T VERY GOOD FOOD.

TOO BAD.
THAT'S YOUR DINNER.
EAT IT.

- I'M HUNGRY.
- FUCK.

- I'M HUNGRY.
- HE SAID HE'S HUNGRY.

SO? LET HIM EAT HIS FOOD.
HE GOT FOOD.

- I DON'T LIKE
THIS FOOD.
- TOO BAD!

EAT YOUR FOOD,
STUPID!

HEY! BACK OFF!

GOD!
IT'S NOT HIS FAULT.

YEAH, IT'S NOT MY FAULT
I'M BRAIN-DAMAGED.

[laughing]

BEAUTIFUL.

WHAT ARE YOU,
HIS SHOP STEWARD?

LISTEN TO ME,
YOU FUCKING RETARD,
EAT YOUR--

-HEY! ENOUGH!
-NOT ENOUGH!

- WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
- LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHIN'.

IN EVERY RELATIONSHIP
THERE'S A BULL AND A COW.

IT JUST SO HAPPENS THAT
IN THIS RELATIONSHIP
RIGHT HERE WITH ME AND YOU,

I'M THE BULL,
YOU'RE THE COW.

ALL RIGHT?
BULL. COW.

YOU GOT THAT?

YEAH, I GOT IT.
BULL, COW.

YOU WANT TO MAKE HIM SOMETHIN'
ELSE TO EAT,

BE MY GUEST. OTHERWISE,
MIND YOUR BUSINESS.

I WANNA GO HOME.

YOU CAN'T GO HOME.

I WANNA GO HOME.

YOU CAN'T GO HOME RIGHT NOW!
EAT YOUR FOOD!

PISS YOU!
I WANT TO GO HOME!

[chuckling]

HOW YOU GONNA GO
TO THE BAYWATCH TOMORROW

IF YOU GO HOME?

THIS IS YOUR SPOT.
YEAH?

IT'S NICE.
COME ON.
LIE DOWN.

ALL RIGHT.

THIS IS A COUCH.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
IT'S FINE.

IT'S A GOOD SLEEPING PLACE.
LIE DOWN.

LARRY, READ TO ME.

WHAT?

READ TO ME, LARRY.

READ TO HIM, LARRY.

I DON'T WANNA
READ TO HIM.

WHAT DO I GOT TO
READ TO HIM FOR?

READ TO ME, LARRY.

WHAT FOR?

IT SOOTHES ME DOWN.

IT SOOTHES YOU DOWN?

OH, COME ON, LARRY,
READ TO HIM.

WHAT AM I GONNA READ?
I GOT NOTHIN' HERE.

READ HIM A BOOK.

YOU DON'T HAVE A BOOK?

I GOT A PHONE BOOK.

THERE YOU GO.

READ TO ME, LARRY.

ALL RIGHT, FINE.

HERE YOU GO.

"SINCE 1868.

"FOR WELL OVER A CENTURY,

"THE ADVENTUROUS FLAVOR
OF TABASCO SAUCE

HAS FIRED UP GENERATIONS
OF THRILL-SEEKERS."

OK?

THAT WAS GOOD.

READ TO ME MORE.

UH, "ITS ALL-NATURAL
INGREDIENTS

"AND UNIQUE AGING PROCESS
IN WHITE OAK BARRELS

"KEEP TABASCO ON
THE CULINARY CUTTING EDGE.

"TRY IT ON EGGS,
PIZZA, SALADS,
AND ANY OTHER FOOD

FOR A BURST OF FLAVOR
THAT WILL TANTALIZE YOUR
TASTE BUDS."

- THAT'S IT.
- READ TO ME MORE.

NO, THAT'S IT.
I'M NOT READIN'
THE INGREDIENTS. I'M DONE.

OK, THANK YOU, LARRY.

SURE.

[switch clicks]

TELL YOU WHAT,
NO OFFENSE,

YOU DON'T LOOK
LIKE ANY CONTRACTOR
I EVER MET.

WELL...
APPARENTLY,

THERE'S A NEED
FOR ALL TYPES.

SO, LISTEN.

YOU KNOW, UH,

I WAS THINKING
ABOUT WHAT YOU
SAID BEFORE,

ABOUT US BEING STUCK
IN THIS SITUATION.

THERE'S NOTHIN'
WE CAN DO.

I THINK YOU'RE RIGHT.

WE MIGHT AS WELL
MAKE THE BEST OF IT.

I THINK SO.

SO, YOU KNOW, LOOK,
DON'T TAKE THIS
THE WRONG WAY,

BELIEVE ME.

BUT I JUST...
THIS IS, YOU KNOW...

I HATE TO SEE YOU SLEEP
ON THE FLOOR LIKE THAT.

I MEAN, COME ON.

SO IF YOU WANT TO,

YOU CAN GO AHEAD
AND JUST, YOU KNOW,

JUST TAKE HALF OF MY BED.
AND, UH...

YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE LOOK,
WE'RE WORKIN' TOGETHER.
WE'RE GROWNUPS, RIGHT?

YOU KNOW, WE'RE PARTNERS.
WE'LL JUST, YOU KNOW,

JUST, YOU KNOW,
DO THE WHOLE THING
PROFESSIONALLY.

WELL, THAT'S...

THAT'S VERY KIND OF YOU.
THANK YOU.

I MEAN, I'D LOVE TO.

YOU KNOW, PROFESSIONALLY.

PLEASE.

HOW'S THAT PROFESSIONALLY?

HUH? YOU LIKE THAT?

THAT'S PROFESSIONAL.
RIGHT HERE.

BULL. COW.

THAT'S HOW THAT WORKS.

[thudding]

THERE'S YOUR BULL
RIGHT THERE!

THERE'S YOUR BULL.

THERE'S THE HORN.

YOU FUCK WITH THE BULL,

YOU GET THE HORN.

[thudding]

THAT'S PROFESSIONAL.

FUCKIN' PROFESSIONAL.

LOOK AT THAT.

THAT'S THE BULL. RIGHT.

GET THE BULL BY THE HORN.

YOU KNOW WHAT
I'M TALKIN' ABOUT?

I'LL GIVE YOU THE HORN.

WANT TO SEE THE HORN?

WANT TO SEE THE HORN?

[sighing]

[fake yawning]

YOU KNOW,

YOU'RE ACTUALLY
A VERY ATTRACTIVE WOMAN.

THANK YOU.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

YOU KNOW,
THIS MAY BE A GOOD TIME
TO SUGGEST

THAT YOU NOT ALLOW
THE SEEDS OF CRUEL HOPE
TO SPROUT IN YOUR SOUL.

I DON'T KNOW
WHAT THAT MEANS,

BUT IT SOUNDS BEAUTIFUL.

IT MEANS
YOU'RE NOT MY TYPE.

IS THAT RIGHT?

WHAT ABOUT ME
IS NOT YOUR TYPE?

YOUR PENIS.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

IT MEANS I'M GAY.

IT MEANS I'M A LESBIAN.

BUT I GOT TO TELL YOU,
IF I WASN'T...

I MEAN, AFTER A FIRST DATE
LIKE THIS,

I'D FIND IT REALLY HARD

NOT TO JUST GET
UNDER THE COVERS

AND DO YOU BIG-TIME RIGHT NOW.

GOOD NIGHT.

"GOOD NIGHT"?

GOOD NIGHT.

(man on T.V.)
WHOA, STEP-PAPA.
WITH THAT SASSY NEW LOOK,

SHEEP'S ALL THAT
AND A BAG OF CHIPS.

(woman)
MELBOURNE'S FORECAST:

THE CHANCE OF
A BRIEF SHOWER TOMORROW,

BUT WE'RE EXPECTING
A MOSTLY FINE DAY

WITH A LIGHT-TO-MODERATE
SOUTHWESTWARDLY WIND.

- WHO THE FUCK ARE
YOU TALKIN' TO?
- OW!

SYDNEY ALSO FINE AND 18.

- BRISBANE, SHOWERS...
- GIVE ME THAT BACK, PLEASE.

- SUNNY, 32.
- GIVE ME THAT BACK.

ADELAIDE AND HOBART BOTH
MAINLY FINE DAYS TOMORROW...

YOU KNOW HOW MUCH
THIS SHIT COSTS?

[man chattering on T.V.]

IT'S $5.

NO, IT'S NOT $5.

IT'S $10.

NO, IT'S...

[woman chattering on T.V.]

WHY AM I EVEN
TALKING TO YOU FOR?

IT'S $10.

YEAH, IT'S $10.
ALL RIGHT.

HEY.

JUST WANTED TO
TELL YOU, YOU KNOW,

JUST GET STRAIGHT ABOUT
THAT THING LAST NIGHT.

YOU KNOW,
NO HARD FEELINGS.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I DON'T WANT YOU TO
GET UPSET OR NOTHIN'.

[laughs]

THAT'S--THAT'S IT.
D-DON'T BE COMIN' BACK,
THOUGH.

I MEAN,
IT'S A ONE-TIME OFFER.

ONE SHOT WITH ME.
I'M OUT.

[knocking on door]

ARE YOU EXPECTING SOMEBODY?

[doorbell ringing]

(man)
COME ON!

LARRY!

[pounding on door]
SHIT!

IT'S YOUR MOTHER.

FUCK! IT'S A COP.

(man) OPEN THE DOOR!

(Brian)
HEY! I WAS WATCHING THAT.
SHH! BE QUIET.

(man)
I HEAR YOU SNEAKIN' AROUND.

GO IN THIS ROOM.
GO. I WANT YOU
TO STAY HERE.

DON'T COME OUT.
DON'T SAY ANYTHING.
YOU UNDERSTAND ME?

WE'RE GOING
TO BAYWATCH TODAY?

- YEAH. SOON. STAY HERE.
BE QUIET.
- OK.

(man) COME ON, I'M DYING HERE!
- COMING!

LARRY, I HAVE A CHICKEN.
[inaudible]

[pounding on door]

WHAT?

YOUR DOOR'S NOT
THICK ENOUGH TO PRETEND

YOU'RE NOT HOME
WHEN YOU'RE HOME.

WHAT'S UP?

I WAS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD.

[door closing]

HOW ARE YOU TODAY?

JUST FINE. YOURSELF?

JUST FINE.

I'M SEARCHING FOR NEWS
ON THE UNDERGROUND.

MIGHT YOU KNOW WHAT
IT IS I'M GETTING AT?

NO.

NO. WELL...

THIS IS ONE OF THOSE
MYSTERIOUS CASES.

UNSOLVABLE. PROBABLY TURN OUT
TO BE AN ALIEN ABDUCTION,

BUT YOU KNOW WE'RE OBLIGATED

TO AT LEAST CREATE
THE APPEARANCE
OF DUE DILIGENCE.

WHAT?

I DIDN'T SAY NOTHIN'.

OH YEAH.

YOU KNOW, YOUR FRIEND...

LOUIS,

HIS SUPERVISOR BACK
IN THE HOME OFFICE

IS ABOUT TO FOLD
HIS NAPKIN, RIGHT?

SORRY?

STARKMAN, IN NEW YORK.

HE'S THROUGH.

LOOKING AT HUGE FEDERAL TIME.

BIG, UGLY,
DARK DUNGEON UNDERGROUND.

NO CHANCE OF PAROLE,
NEVER EVER.

TIME.

YEP. I'M SORRY TO SAY.

I HEAR HE'S A GOOD GUY,
BUT, YOU KNOW...

IN ANY EVENT,
HERE'S MY PROBLEM,

AND IF YOU KNOW ANY OF THIS,

FEEL FREE, JUMP IN,
SHUT ME UP.

THIS FEDERAL
PROSECUTOR OUT HERE,

THE ONE WITH
STARKMAN'S TESTICULAR MATTER
CLUTCHED IN HIS FIST,

THIS VERY
FEDERAL PROSECUTOR'S
LITTLE BROTHER...

ANY OF THIS SOUND FAMILIAR?

TO ME? NO.

NO. WELL...

THIS VERY FEDERAL
PROSECUTOR'S
LITTLE BROTHER,

A BIT DOPEY
FROM WHAT I GATHER,

MAY HAVE BEEN ABSCONDED WITH,

WHICH, AS YOU CAN IMAGINE,
WOULD BE

TO THE DISMAY
OF OUR PROSECUTOR.

I THINK...

BUT I COULD BE WRONG
ABOUT THIS,

BECAUSE IT'S ALMOST
TOO STUPID FOR A MIND
TO GRASP.

BUT I THINK MAYBE SOMEONE

IN YOUR PROFESSIONAL
COMMUNITY

MIGHT BE PARTICIPATING
IN THESE SHENANIGANS

TO, I DON'T KNOW,

HELP SQUEEZE
A LITTLE FRIENDSHIP,

ALTRUISM, WHATEVER,

OUT OF THIS PARTICULAR
FEDERAL OFFICIAL.

MAYBE IN THE HOPES
THAT STARKMAN

WILL WAKE UP

ONE MORNING...

WAKE UP ONE MORNING
TO FIND ALL CHARGES
MYSTERIOUSLY DROPPED.

THE SCHOOL OF
THOUGHT AMONGST MY COLLEAGUES

IS THAT THIS KID IS
ALREADY WAY OUT OF TOWN.

I ALONE AM OF
THE OPPOSITE SCHOOL.

I THINK HE'S STILL HERE.
THAT'S WHAT I THINK.

BUT WHAT'S IMPORTANT
IS WHAT YOU THINK.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

AS A FRIEND WHO'S GOT
HIS EAR TO THE STREET.

SERIOUSLY.

- I NEVER... YOU KNOW--
- I KNOW.

YOU DON'T KNOW NOTHIN'.

I CAN TELL JUST BY
LOOKIN' AT YOU.

THE WHOLE THING'S PROBABLY
ALIEN ABDUCTION,

LIKE I SAID BEFORE.

MAN, YOU KNOW
WHAT I'D LOVE TO DO

RIGHT NOW?

GO DOWN
TO MARIE CALLENDER'S,

GET ME A BIG BOWL,
PIE, SOME ICE CREAM ON IT.

MMM-HMM.

GOOD.

PUT SOME ON YOUR HEAD,

YOUR TONGUE WOULD
SLAP YOUR BRAINS OUT
TRYING TO GET TO IT.

INTERESTED?

SURE?

YEAH, I'M TRYING TO
GET IN SHAPE, YOU KNOW.

SAY NO MORE.

LOOK,

THANKS FOR THE HOSPITALITY.

IT CAN'T BE
THE MOST PLEASANT THING

TO HAVE YOUR PRIVACY
BE INTRUDED ON.

MAYBE IF YOU HEAR ANYTHING,
YOU'LL LET ME KNOW?

YEAH, YOU KNOW,
IF I HEAR ANYTHING.

YEAH, I'LL LET YOU KNOW.

- ALL RIGHT.
- YUP.

A FEDERAL FUCKIN' PROSECUTOR!

FUCK!

LARRY?

I'LL COME BACK NOW, OK?

WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'?
I TOLD YOU TO...

- I'M HUNGRY.
- WE GOT NOTHIN' TO EAT.

I'M HUNGRY, THOUGH.

A FEDERAL FUCKIN' PROSECUTOR.

MY BROTHER'S A FEDERAL
FUCKIN' "PROSTITUTOR."

YOU DON'T SAY.

PUT THIS ON.

DID YOU KNOW
ABOUT ALL THAT STUFF?

NO, NOT ALL OF IT.

MAYBE WE SHOULD
CHECK INTO A HOTEL.

FUCK THAT. I LIVE HERE.
THIS IS MY PLACE.

NO ONE'S GETTIN' ME
OUT OF MY PLACE.
PUT THIS ON, TOO.

I'M HUNGRY.
I WANNA EAT NOW.

I HEARD YOU THE FIRST
FUCKIN' FIVE TIMES, BRIAN.
COME ON.

COME ON.

STOP FUCKIN' AROUND.

WHEN ARE WE
GETTIN' TO THE BAYWATCH?

- WHAT? WHAT'S THAT?
YOU HEAR THAT?
- NO.

WHAT IS THAT?
IT'S THE WALKIE-TALKIE AGAIN.

HELLO?

WHAT?

YOU GOT TO BE
KIDDING ME.
AGAIN?

WHAT'S THE DEAL
WITH THESE GUYS?

HOW LONG?
MAYBE TOMORROW? OK.

HEY, KICK THOSE GUYS IN
THE ASS FOR ME, WILL YOU?

THOSE FUCKIN' GUYS. ALL RIGHT.
TALK TO YOU LATER.

YEAH, GIVE US A CALL BACK.

UNBELIEVABLE.

YOU BELIEVE THAT? THE BAYWATCH
IS CLOSED TODAY. AGAIN.

- THEY'RE CLOSED?
- YEAH, I TALKED TO 'EM.

THEY--THEY SAID THEY'RE
WORKIN' ON THE PROBLEM,
BUT, YOU KNOW,

THEY DON'T KNOW HOW
LONG IT'S GONNA BE.

WHAT IS THE BAYWATCH?

IT'S WHERE
ALL THE BEAUTIFUL GIRLS ARE.

THEY SWIM.

THEY SWIM THERE.

YOU'RE TALKIN'
ABOUT THE T.V. SHOW?

NO, YOU--
NOT T.V. THAT'S T.V.

THE BAYWATCH IS
WHERE THEY REALLY ARE.

THEY'RE REALLY THERE.

I THINK YOU COULD BE
FRIENDS THERE.

I THINK THAT'S WHERE
THE SEX IS.

I THINK SO.

I THINK THAT'S WHERE
THE SEX IS.

[Demagogue
by Urban Dance Squad playing]

♪ I KICK THE MUSIC SO HARD ♪

♪ PEOPLE GET INJURIES ♪

♪ STEP TO ME ♪

♪ BE A BIG STITCH M.C. ♪

♪ LYRICS I CHOP ♪

♪ KICK SKILLS
LIKE JACKIE CHAN ♪

♪ MANY PROPS LOOT ♪

♪ GLADLY PAY THE TAX MAN ♪

♪ FLEX PLANS ♪

♪ LEAVE BODYBAGS FULL OF MEN ♪

HEY,
YOU WANNA TURN THAT DOWN?

YOU FUCKIN'
TURN IT DOWN.

♪ PLUS THE SQUAD ♪

♪ TOOK SOMETIME OFF
WITH THE WILD FUNK, SO WHAT? ♪

I DON'T THINK
THIS IS THE BEST TIME

TO BE DRAWING
ATTENTION TO OURSELVES.

♪ LIKE THE BEASTIE BOYS,
THE FUNKY DEMAGOGUE ♪

HEY, BEAVIS,
TURN THE FUCKIN' RADIO OFF.

WHAT THE FUCK IS
YOUR PROBLEM, BITCH?

♪ HEAR THE DEMAGOGUE,
FUNKY DEMAGOGUE ♪

"BITCH"?

YOU KNOW WHAT,
CREATING A SCENE RIGHT NOW

WOULD BE A BAD THING.

♪ CHECK A LOOK-ALIKE,
WANNA SEE A JOKE ♪

YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.
WHY DON'T YOU COME OVER HERE,

SO WE CAN KICK YOUR ASS.

(boy #1)
WHAT HAPPENED?

LET ME. OK?

♪ STYLES
NOT REALLY MATCHED UP ♪

GO AHEAD.

♪ PUSHED 'N DRESSED UP ♪

YOU KNOW,
WHAT YOU BOYS NEED

IS TO DEVELOP
BETTER PEOPLE SKILLS.

HOWEVER,
IN THE MEANTIME...

♪ CALLED NEW YORK ♪

♪ YOU GOT BEEF ♪

EXCUSE ME.

♪ FOUL LIKE A PIG ON A BUM ♪

( turns off music )

YOU EVER HEARD OF
TAI MOI CHAI?

NO. OK.

IN TRADITIONAL TAI MOI CHAI,

THERE ARE 5 LEVELS OF
DIGITAL ORB EXTRUSION.

THAT'S THE GOUGING OUT
OF YOUR OPPONENT'S EYEBALL

WITH ONE'S FINGER.

NOW,

THE HIGHEST
AND MOST DIFFICULT TO MASTER

IS MY PERSONAL FAVORITE:

KAI TOI MAI.

LOOSELY TRANSLATED,
THAT'S "THE RIP
THAT TAKES THE PAST."

NOW, ONCE THE THUMB
LIQUEFIES THE EYE,

IT IS DEFTLY AND
IMMEDIATELY REPLACED
BY THE FOREFINGER.

DEEP THRUST, HOOKING AROUND
AND SECURING THE OCULAR NERVE

AND THEN REMOVING
IT WITH SUCH FORCE

AS TO BRING WITH IT,
BY SUCTION,

A VITAL PORTION
OF THE VISUAL CORTEX.

THE PART OF THE BRAIN,
AS I'M SURE YOU MAY KNOW,

THAT STORES VISUAL MEMORY.

NOW,

THE EXTRAORDINARY
ELEMENT OF THIS MOVE,

THE GENIUS OF IT,

THE--THE--THE ABSOLUTE
POETRY OF IT

IS THAT,
ASIDE FROM THE OBVIOUS WOUND,

ONE'S OPPONENT IS
LEFT WITH NO MEMORY
OF ANYTHING HE HAS EVER SEEN.

FAMILY, FRIENDS, NOTHING.

HENCE, KAI TOI MAI:

"THE RIP THAT
TAKES THE PAST."

AS YOU CAN IMAGINE,
VERY DIFFICULT

TO PRACTICE HERE IN
THE UNITED STATES

BUT, I FELT, WELL WORTH
THE TRIPS
TO THE CHANG RAI PROVINCE.

PEOPLE SKILLS.

SEE, KNOWING
HOW TO PROPERLY
JUDGE CHARACTER,

KNOWING HOW AND WHEN
TO MAKE A MOVE,

IN SHORT,
KNOWING WHO TO AND
WHO NOT TO FUCK WITH.

THESE ARE THINGS
YOU BOYS ARE GONNA
WANNA WORK ON

IN THE FUTURE.
OK?

OH, AND ONE MORE THING:

SPORTS ARE ALL WELL AND GOOD,

BUT VERY HARD TO
EARN A LIVING AT.

SO I WANT YOU
GUYS TO STUDY HARD,

AND KEEP YOUR
GRADES UP, ALL RIGHT?

OK? EVERYONE, YES?

(all)
YES.

OK. GOOD.

BRIAN, LET'S GO.

NICE COMPUTER.

HEY, SO CAN YOU REALLY DO
ALL THAT KUNG FU SHIT

YOU SAID BACK THERE
WITH THE--THE EYE AND THAT?

NO.

THAT WAS ALL BULLSHIT, HUH?

YEP.

SUN TZU SAID THAT, IN A WAR,

THE BEST VICTORY
IS THAT WHICH
REQUIRES NO BATTLE.

IS THIS SOME MORE
BULLSHIT NOW I'M GETTIN'?

- NO.
- WHO'S SUN TZU?

A CHINESE
MILITARY THEORETICIAN
WHO POINTED OUT

THAT IN A CONFLICT,
GETTING ANGRY,

WHICH YOU SEEM
TO DO A LOT OF,

IS A TACTICALLY AND
STRATEGICALLY STUPID MOVE.

IT CLOUDS YOUR ABILITY
TO REASON.

IT GIVES YOUR ADVERSARY
THE UPPER HAND.

YOU WANNA CLOUD
YOUR ADVERSARY'S
ABILITY TO REASON,

THUS GAINING
THE UPPER HAND YOURSELF.

WHATEVER.

YOU KNOW WHAT?
GIVEN HOW UNHAPPY
YOU SEEM TO BE,

I CAN SEE HOW
THAT WOULDN'T BE

THE EASIEST THING
FOR YOU TO DO.

WHAT IS THAT
SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

JUST THAT.

I MEAN,

WHEN MEN ARE LITTLE BOYS,

THEY'RE--THEY'RE ENCOURAGED
NOT TO CRY,

NOT TO SHOW THEIR SADNESS,

SO THEY'RE FORCED TO FIND
OTHER WAYS TO LET
THOSE FEELINGS OUT.

AND AS I'M SURE YOU KNOW,

FIGHTING AND GETTING ANGRY

ARE MUCH MORE ACCEPTABLE
MALE BEHAVIORS.

SO WHEN THESE LITTLE BOYS
GROW UP,

GUESS WHAT OUTLET THEY USE
TO EXPRESS THEIR SADNESS.

A GUY WHO'S MISERABLE AT WORK
OR DEPRESSED ABOUT HIS LIFE

COMES HOME AT THE END
OF THE DAY,
WHAT DOES HE DO?

HE DOESN'T USUALLY CRY
IN FRONT OF THE WIFE AND KIDS.

HE USUALLY YELLS AT THEM.

SO, LARRY...

WHAT?

WHAT IS IT EXACTLY
YOU'RE SO SAD ABOUT?

[snickers]

NO, I'M SERIOUS.

[phone ringing]

YO.

YEAH.

WHAT ABOUT YOUR FRIEND?

MRS. LEONARD.
WHATEVER HER NAME IS.

LOOK, I CAN'T RIGHT NOW,
I'M SORRY.

IT'S NOT A GOOD TIME.

IT'S NOT A GOOD TIME,
MA, THAT'S WHY.

NO.

OK, OK. ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT!

OK, WHAT DO YOU WANT, BLOOD?

I SAID OK.
I'M COMIN' OVER,
ALL RIGHT?

I'LL BE RIGHT OVER THERE.

I GOT TO, UH,
MAKE A QUICK DETOUR.

YOU CAN STAY IN THE CAR.

(mother)
OH, EASY. A LITTLE LOWER.

(Larry)
RIGHT HERE?

A LITTLE BIT HIGHER.

A LITTLE LOWER.

- - MA.
A LITTLE LOWER!

ALL RIGHT,
RIGHT-- OHH, GOD.

LOOK, MA,
IF MRS. LEONARD
ISN'T AROUND,

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO CALL
A DOCTOR SOMETIMES.

I CAN'T JUST DROP EVERYTHING
AND SHOW UP HERE
ALL THE TIME, OK?

WHAT, AND I DIDN'T
DROP EVERYTHING FOR YOU?

"OH, I'M SO SORRY, LARRY,

"I CAN'T CHANGE
YOUR DIAPER NOW.

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO CALL
MRS. LEONARD."

[knocking on door]

- LET ME JUST--
- LET ME. HOLD ON.

WHAT?

HE'S GOT TO PEE.

I GOT TO PEE, LARRY.

I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU
TO WAIT IN THE CAR.

I THOUGHT YOU'D
PREFER IT IF WE CAME IN

RATHER THAN TAKE
THE CAR SOMEWHERE.

WOULDN'T WANT YOU TO THINK
WE LAMMED OUT ON YOU.

BESIDES, I WANT TO MEET
YOUR MOTHER.

[scoffing]
NO.

(mother) LARRY,
ARE THOSE FRIENDS OF YOURS?

YEAH, CLOSE PERSONAL.

- WELL,
INVITE THEM IN.

- I GOT TO PEE, LARRY.

- LARRY, INVITE THEM IN!

I AM, MA,
ALL RIGHT?

(mother)
WELL,

[chuckling]

HELLO, EVERYBODY.

HELLO.

MY GOD.

WHAT A BEAUTY.

MA.

WHAT? I'M JUST SAYIN'.

YOU SHOULD SEE
SOME OF THE PIGS
HE'S BROUGHT BY.

I MEAN, NOT THAT
THEY WERE PIGS,
PER SE.

IT'S JUST THAT,
BY AND LARGE,

THEY WERE WHAT I WOULD CALL
INSIGNIFICANT WOMEN.

YOU, I COULD TELL
RIGHT OFF THE BAT,

YOU SEEM TO BE
OF SOME SUBSTANCE.

EXCUSE ME, MISS,
WHERE'S THE MEN'S ROOM?

OH, RIGHT THIS WAY,
DARLIN'.

LARRY, SHE'S GORGEOUS.

DON'T YOU FUCK THIS ONE UP.

(mother)
SO, WHAT IS YOUR STORY,
HONEY?

(Brian)
I'M LARRY'S FRIEND.

DON'T, DON'T PAY
NO ATTENTION TO HER.

SHE THINKS
I'M BEAUTIFUL.

YEAH. SHE'S BLIND
IN ONE EYE, THOUGH.

OPEN THE DOOR.

YOU ALL RIGHT IN THERE?

SO THIS IS WHERE
YOU GREW UP?

ARE YOU WRITIN'
A BOOK?

- [sighing]
- MA.

OH, SHUT UP.
I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING.

I THINK YOU TWO MAKE
A VERY CUTE COUPLE, THOUGH.

- MA.
- WHAT?

WHAT'S WITH THE
"MA, MA, MA, MA, MA"?

STOP ALREADY WITH THE "MA."

SO, TELL ME,

- ARE YOU AND LARRY SWEETHEARTS?
- MA!

BEFORE YOU ANSWER,
LET ME SAY UP FRONT

THAT I HOPE SO.

WHAT?
YES, I HOPE SO.

WHAT'S SO TERRIBLE
ABOUT "I HOPE SO"?

YEAH? GUESS WHAT.

WHAT?

SHE'S A LESBIAN.

NEVER MIND.

SHE'S BEEN WITH
FELLAS BEFORE.

AM I RIGHT, DARLIN'?

HUH?

(Ricki)
YOU'RE RIGHT.

BUT SOMETIMES
THEY HAVE
THEIR LIMITATIONS.

AM I RIGHT?

YEAH.

[both laughing]

WHAT ARE YOU TWO
TALKIN' ABOUT?

OH, NEVER MIND.

WE KNOW WHAT
WE'RE TALKIN' ABOUT.

AM I RIGHT,
SWEETHEART?

YOU'RE RIGHT.

YOU KNOW,

I WASN'T ALWAYS
JUST LARRY'S MOTHER.

MMM, I USED TO BE

QUITE EXPERIMENTAL.

- OH, JESUS CHRIST!
- LOOK AT HIM!

LOOK WHO'S NOT
UP-TO-THE-MINUTE NOW.

- BIG BOY.
- THAT'S IT.
WE'RE GOIN'.

BRIAN, COME ON.
WE'RE GOIN'. THAT'S IT.
MA, WHAT THE...

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
JUST REMEMBER, YOU TWO,

LIFE'S NOT JUST
BLACK-AND-WHITE.

ALL RIGHT, MA,
WE'LL REMEMBER THAT.
BRIAN, LET'S GO.

WE'RE GOIN' NOW.
WE'RE GOIN'. LET'S GO.

COME HERE, YOU BIG LUG,
GIVE ME A KISS.

- I LOVE YOU.
- YEAH.

- I WASHED MY HANDS, LARRY.
- CONGRATULATIONS. LET'S GO.

- GOODBYE.
- COME HERE, DARLIN'.

[sighing]

I FEEL LIKE
I KNOW YOU ALREADY.

- VERY NICE MEETING YOU.
- IT'S MY PLEASURE.

ALL RIGHT, WE'RE GOIN'.
LET'S GO.

COME ON. LET'S GO, BRIAN.

JUST REMEMBER, YOU TWO,
KEEP AN OPEN MIND

BECAUSE YOU NEVER KNOW.

- WE WILL.
- BYE.
- BYE.

(Ricki)
I LIKE HER,
SHE'S VERY NICE.

(Larry)
OH, MAN.

(woman on phone)
ON THE SATELLITE MAP,
THE CLOUD OVER QUEENSLAND

AND NEW SOUTH WALES
IS BRINGING SHOWERS,

AND THERE'S VERY
LITTLE ACTIVITY

OVER THE REST
OF THE CONTINENT.

BUT THERE IS
SOME LOW-LEVEL CLOUD
OVER SOUTHERN VICTORIA

WHICH WILL BRING
ISOLATED SHOWERS
MAINLY TO COASTAL AREAS.

ANOTHER CHILLY NIGHT
IN MELBOURNE'S OUTER SUBURBS
WITH THE MERCURY...

HEY.
WHAT ARE YOU
DOING NOW?

...AND AVALON FALLING
AS LOW...

BRIAN, I TOLD YOU,
THIS IS VERY EXPENSIVE.

IT'S NOT EXPENSIVE.

DON'T ARGUE WITH ME.

WHAT--WHAT ARE--
WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?

WHAT DO YOU CARE
ABOUT THE WEATHER
IN FUCKING ENGLAND FOR?

IT'S IN AUSTRALIA.

- WHATEVER.
- IT'S NOT ENGLAND.

WHATEVER, BRIAN.
WHY DO YOU KEEP
CALLING THERE?

'CAUSE I REALLY, REALLY
LIKE HER VOICE.

OK. TRY TO KEEP IT
UNDER CONTROL, THOUGH.

ALL RIGHT?

OK, LARRY, I'LL TRY.

THANK YOU.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

[exhaling]

SO I'M NOT
YOUR TYPE, HUH?

HOW DID WE GET BACK THERE
ALL OF A SUDDEN?

RELAX.

YOU'RE MORE WOMAN
THAN I KNOW
WHAT TO DO WITH.

I DON'T NEED TO BE
DIPPIN' INTO
THE SISTERHOOD.

BUT I'M JUST CURIOUS,
BECAUSE ALL OF A SUDDEN NOW

YOU SAY YOU'VE
BEEN WITH GUYS.

I HAVE.

BUT THEY HAVE THEIR, UH,
SHORTCOMINGS...

WELL, BESIDES THE FACT THAT
THEY GIVE TERRIBLE HEAD.

SEE, RIGHT THERE,
THAT TELLS ME SOMETHING.

I KNOW THE GUYS
YOU'VE BEEN WITH
OBVIOUSLY DIDN'T KNOW

HOW TO, UH, HOW TO
BRING HOME THE PEARLS

WHEN THEY WERE
DIVING FOR OYSTERS.

I WAS ACTUALLY JUST JOKING.

EH, WELL,
SINCE WE'RE LETTING IT
ALL HANG OUT NOW,

LET ME TELL YOU
SOMETHING ELSE.

OK, WHEN IT COMES
TO PLEASING A WOMAN,

YOUR GIRLFRIENDS,
THEY'RE JUST...

THEY'RE AT
A NATURAL DISADVANTAGE.

IT'S LIKE THEY
MIGHT TRY HARD,

BUT THEY'RE
JUST NOT BACKED UP

WITH MILLIONS OF YEARS
OF GENETIC ENGINEERING,

PROGRAMMING, INSTINCT.

(Larry)
NATURE HAS EVOLVED MAN
FOR THAT PURPOSE.

SATISFY.

LEAD THE PACK.

THAT'S WHY THESE LESBIANS
ARE ALWAYS GOING OUT BUYING,
YOU KNOW,

SPENDING ALL THEIR DOUGH
ON, LIKE, YOU KNOW,

SEXUAL APPLIANCES,
EROTIC MONKEY WRENCHES
AND SHIT,

TRYING TO COMPENSATE

FOR WHAT THEY DON'T HAVE.
WHAT THEY'RE NOT GETTING.

THE PENIS.

(Larry)
THAT'S RIGHT.

ITS VERY DESIGN TELLS YOU
EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW.

FORWARD MOTION.

WITH ADVANCEMENTS.

FUCKING PROGRESS
INTO THE DARK, DEEP,

MYSTERIOUS UNKNOWN.

IT'S LIKE ADVENTURE-SEEKING,

FRONTIER-CONQUERING,

OBSTACLE-ERADICATING.

WHOA. AND YOU TRIED
TO CREATE THE IMPRESSION
YOU DIDN'T READ BOOKS.

WELL, YOU'RE SETTLING
FOR SECOND BEST.

THAT'S ALL I'M SAYING.

SO, IN REVIEW,

YOU'RE SAYING
THAT IT'S MEN

THAT ARE AT THE TOP
OF THE MUST-FUCK PYRAMID?

THAT'S ALL
I'M TELLING YOU.

LOVING, CARING,

SENSITIVE, GIVING MEN.
- THAT'S RIGHT.

[exhaling]
WELL, YOU'RE ENTITLED
TO YOUR OPINION.

BUT LET US RECONSIDER WOMEN
FOR A MINUTE. SHALL WE?

SURE.

THEIR FORM:

NECK. SHOULDERS.

LEGS.

HIPS.

I THINK PRETTY COOL.

NOW, AS FAR AS YOUR FAMOUS

PENIS GOES...

THE PENIS
IS LIKE SOME SORT OF

BIZARRE SEA SLUG

OR LIKE A REALLY LONG TOE.

I MEAN, IT'S HANDY,
IMPORTANT, EVEN.

BUT THE PINNACLE
OF SEXUAL DESIGN?

THE TOP OF THE LIST
OF EROTIC DESTINATIONS?

I DON'T THINK SO.

ONE'S FIRST IMPULSE
IS TO KISS WHAT?

TO KISS THE LIPS.

FIRM, DELICIOUS LIPS.

SWEET LIPS.

SURROUNDING A WARM, MOIST,

DIZZYINGLY SCENTED MOUTH.

THAT'S WHAT
EVERYONE WANTS TO KISS.

NOT A TOE.
NOT A SEA SLUG.

A MOUTH.

NOW, WHY DO YOU THINK
THAT IS, STUPID?

BECAUSE THE MOUTH
IS THE TWIN SISTER,

THE ALMOST EXACT
LOOK-ALIKE OF THE WHAT?

NOT THE TOE.

THE MOUTH IS THE TWIN SISTER

OF--OF THE VAGINA.

AND ALL CREATURES,
BIG AND SMALL,

SEEK THE ORIFICE.
THE OPENING.

TO--TO BE TAKEN IN,
ENGULFED.

TO BE SQUEEZED
AND LOVINGLY CRUSHED
BY WHAT IS TRULY

THE ALL-POWERFUL,
ALL-ENCOMPASSING.

NOW, IF IT'S DESIGN
YOU'RE CONCERNED WITH,

HIDDEN MEANINGS,
SYMBOLISM AND POWER,

WELL, FORGET THE TOP
OF MOUNT EVEREST.

FORGET THE BOTTOM OF THE SEA,
THE MOON, THE STARS.

THERE IS NO PLACE, NOWHERE,
THAT HAS BEEN THE OBJECT

OF MORE AMBITIONS,
MORE BATTLES

THAN THE SWEET,
SACRED MYSTERY

BETWEEN A WOMAN'S LEGS
THAT I AM PROUD TO CALL

MY PUSSY.

SO I GUESS THIS IS
JUST MY ROUNDABOUT WAY
OF SAYING

THAT IT IS WOMEN
WHO ARE, IN FACT,
THE MOST DESIRABLE FORM.

[inhales]

WOULDN'T YOU AGREE?

I AGREE.

MMM.

AND SO DO I.

[breathes deeply]

[redial button beeping]

(Louis)
HELLO?

HELLO?

HELLO?

IS SOMEBODY THERE?

YES.

WHO'S THIS?

WHO IS THIS?

WHO'S THIS?

[chuckling]
WHO IS THIS?

I DON'T FIND THIS FUNNY.

WHO IS THIS?

IS THIS THE RETARD?

[chuckling]
WHO IS THIS?

(Larry)
BRIAN, WHAT ARE YOU
DOING NOW?

GIVE ME THE FUCKING PHONE.

HELLO?

WHO THE FUCK IS THIS?

WHO THE FUCK
IS THIS?

WHAT THE FUCK IS
GOING ON OVER THERE?

NOTHING. SORRY, LOUIS.

- WE'RE NOT GETTING
THE DESIRED MOVEMENT HERE.

WE'RE STEPPING UP
THE OPERATION.

FIRST THING IN THE MORNING,
I WANT YOU
TO SEND HIS THUMB

TO JAMES DORF...
ARE YOU LISTENING TO THIS?

- YEAH.
- GOOD.

TO JAMES DORF
AT THE U.S. COURTHOUSE
ON SPRING STREET.

HOLD ON ONE SECOND.
GO--GO IN THE OTHER ROOM.

GO IN THE OTHER ROOM
IN THE BACK.

GO IN THE BACK.

I'M TALKING ON THE PHONE.
GO IN THE BACK.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
HOW DO I SEND HIS THUMB?

YOU CUT IT THE FUCK OFF.
YOU TAKE IT TO BOXES 'R' US

OR WHATEVER THE FUCK IT IS,
YOU PUT THE APPROPRIATE
POSTAGE ON IT,

AND THAT'S HOW YOU SEND IT.

AND SEND IT EXPRESS
NEXT-DAY DELIVERY.

AND MAKE SURE
YOU KINDLY REFRAIN

FROM PROVIDING
A RETURN ADDRESS,
YOU FUCKING DUMMY.

I MEAN...

YOU WANT ME
TO CUT HIS THUMB OFF?

OH, IT'S ENOUGH ALREADY.
PUT THE CLAM-LICKER ON.

HOLD ON.
W-W-WAIT A MINUTE.

WH-WH-WHAT ABOUT,
LIKE, YOU KNOW,
THE BLEEDING AND THE--

I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M
HAVING THIS CONVERSATION
WITH A PROFESSIONAL.

YOU WANT I SHOULD SEND
PEOPLE THERE TO HELP YOU?
THEY'LL TAKE YOUR THUMB, TOO.

I'M NOT SAYING THAT.

I DO NOT LIKE
THE HABIT OF HIRING YOU

AND THEN HAVING
TO HIRE SOMEONE ELSE

TO MAKE SURE YOU
DO YOUR JOB RIGHT.

- DO YOUR FUCKING JOB RIGHT!
- OK.

I'M GETTING TIRED OF THIS.

[switches off phone]

LARRY.

WHAT?

CAN I STAY HERE WITH YOU?

NO.

[sighs]

TIME FOR YOU
TO GO TO BED ANYWAYS.

- I DON'T WANNA GO TO BED.
- GO TO BED.

IF I TELL YOU TO GO
TO BED, GO TO BED.

I DON'T WANNA
GO TO BED, THOUGH.

(Larry)
"NEW. OUR BEST CHARMIN EVER.

"CHARMIN ULTRA DOUBLE ROLL.

"TWICE AS MANY SHEETS
AS REGULAR CHARMIN ULTRA.

UNSCENTED BATHROOM TISSUE.
170 SQUARE FEET."

BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.
"4.5 INCHES BY 4.0 INCHES."

AND THEY GOT IT IN
CENTIMETERS OR WHATEVER.

IT'S THE SAME SHIT
ON THE BACK. ALL RIGHT?

GOOD NIGHT.
- GOOD NIGHT, LARRY.

YEAH.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

[switch clicks]

[sighs]

WHAT ARE
YOUR FRIENDS LIKE?

I DON'T REALLY
HAVE FRIENDS.

WELL, WHO DO YOU
HANG OUT WITH?

NOBODY.

WHY DO I THINK
YOU'RE NOT EXAGGERATING?

I JUST KEEP TO MYSELF.
I GO ABOUT MY BUSINESS,
YOU KNOW.

DO MY WORK.

A CHARMING, LOVEABLE GUY
LIKE YOURSELF?
YOU SHOULD GET OUT MORE.

I'M SURE THERE'S
A TON OF STRAIGHT WOMEN

WHO YOU COULD
MAKE VERY HAPPY.

LOUIS WANTS US TO CUT
THE KID'S THUMB OFF.

[Hip-Hop]
♪ THIS IS A STORY
ABOUT THE DRIFTER ♪

♪ WHO WAITED THROUGH THE WORST
FOR THE BEST IN CROSSTOWN ♪

♪ WHO NEVER PLANNED
ON HAVIN' SO DICK ♪

♪ WHY ME, HUH? ♪

♪ EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT ♪

♪ EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT ♪

♪ EVERYTHING'S GONNA
BE ALL RIGHT NOW
ALL RIGHT ♪

♪ EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT ♪

♪ I COULDN'T GET A JOB
NAPPY HAIR WAS NOT ALLOWED ♪

♪ MY MOTHER
COULDN'T AFFORD US ALL
SHE HAD TO THROW ME OUT ♪

♪ I WALKED THE STRIP
WHICH IS A CLIP
WHO WANNA HIT? ♪

♪ THEY GOT 'EM QUICK,
I HAD TO EAT
THIS MONEY'S GOOD AS SPENT ♪

♪ I THREW IN GRAVES,
I WASN'T PAID, ENOUGH ♪

♪ I KEPT 'EM LONG
'CAUSE I COULDN'T AFFORD
A HAIRCUT ♪

♪ I GOT LAUGHED AT,
I GOT CHUMPED,
I GOT DISSED ♪

♪ I GOT UPSET,
I GOT A TEC
AND A BANANA CLIP ♪

♪ WHY WHEN I WAS A KID
AND PLAYED OUT
WAS A SAD ONE ♪

♪ AND ALWAYS WANTED TO LIVE
LIKE JUST A FAT ONE ♪

LET ME GIVE SHOUTS
TO ALL MY HOMIES!

MRS. FRIEDMAN. LILY.

MR. MOSSMAN AND THE MAN
HE PLAYS CARDS WITH.

FORGOT HIS NAME.

♪ A GHETTO BASTARD,
BORN INTO THE PROJECTS... ♪

AND ALL MY PEEPS
AT--AT WILSHIRE ADULT CARE.

EVERYBODY IN THE CAFETERIA.
BIG UPS, BIG UPS!

WHAT'S UP TO MY MAN LARRY.
AND RICKI.

YO, YO, YO. PEACE, "G."

[Brian chuckles]

AND THE REC ROOM,
THE REC ROOM!

♪ FOR EVERY BOTTLE SOLD-- ♪

[music stops]

I GOT NEIGHBORS, YOU KNOW.

DIGAME SABROSA.

- WHAT'S THAT?
- IT'S ESPANOL.

WHAT DOES IT MEAN?

I DON'T KNOW.

[knocking at door]

SEE THAT?

[chuckling]
DON'T BE A PLAYA HATER, "G."

YEAH?

WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?

WHO THE FUCK
ARE YOU?

EXCUSE ME.

WOW.

WHAT A SHITHOLE.

LADY, I THINK YOU'RE
IN THE WRONG PLACE.

NO, YOU ARE
IN THE WRONG PLACE.

ALL RIGHT?
YOU'RE IN THE WRONG PLACE.

[softly]
YOU HAVE NO IDEA.

OH!

AND WHO THE FUCK
ARE YOU?

YOU'RE THE FUCK ARE YOU.

- WHAT?
- HUH?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

[gasps]
I'M STALKING YOU.

WAIT A MINUTE,
YOU KNOW HER?

FIRST OF ALL,
DO NOT SAY MY NAME
IN THIS ROOM. ALL RIGHT?

SECOND OF ALL,
YOU'RE OUT OF LINE.

THIS IS A PROFESSIONAL
SITUATION,

AND YOU HAVE NO RIGHT
TO INTRUDE HERE.

WHAT KIND OF
PROFESSIONAL SITUATION?

I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.

A FUCKING MAN?

OK. I--I REALLY THOUGHT
THIS WAS ALL ABOUT SHARON.

WHAT, ARE YOU TELLING PEOPLE
WHERE WE ARE NOW?

MIND YOUR OWN
FUCKING BUSINESS.

- SHUT THE FUCK UP.
- BLOW ME.

LISTEN, BOTH OF YOU
SHUT UP!

LOOK, I HAVEN'T TOLD
ANYBODY WHERE WE ARE.

AND, ROBIN,

THIS IS
A PROFESSIONAL SITUATION.

OUR PROBLEMS
HAVE NOTHING
TO DO WITH SHARON,

AND THEY HAVE
NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM!

I WANT YOU
TO LEAVE RIGHT NOW!

- NO! UH-UH!
- PLEASE.

I'M NOT LEAVING,
HE'S LEAVING.

WHAT? WHO THE FUCK
DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?

I FUCKING LIVE HERE.
I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE.

YEAH?
WELL, NEITHER AM I.

GONNA BE
ALL THERE IS TO THAT.

WHY ARE YOU
DOING THIS?

HOW ABOUT IF
I THROW YOU THE FUCK OUT?

HOW ABOUT
IF I ROUNDHOUSE YOU

UPSIDE YOUR FAT FUCKING
HEAD AND COLLAPSE YOUR SKULL?

I DON'T KNOW.
GIVE IT A SHOT.

NO, DON'T. BECAUSE SHE KNOWS
HOW TO DO THAT STUFF, OK?

- DON'T BE ALL MACHO--
I DON'T GIVE A FUCK
WHAT SHE KNOWS!

THIS AIN'T FUCKING
LESBIAN TALK-CIRCLE TIME!

WE GOT SOMETHING TO DO.
YOU'RE GETTING THE FUCK OUT.

GOT IT?
- I MEAN, THIS?

YOU--YOU NEED THIS?

YOU NEED, LIKE,
A LITTLE FREEDOM
OR SOMETHING?

YOU WANNA DABBLE?
WE CAN ALL FUCK.

YOU KNOW, WE CAN ALL HAVE
SEX TOGETHER, THAT'S FINE.

WHAT DO YOU SAY, HOT ROCKS?
WOULD YOU LIKE THAT, HUH?

- I'D SAY YOU'RE FUCKING
OUT OF YOUR MIND.
- YOU KNOW YOU WANT IT.

LOOK, OUR SITUATION
HAS NOTHING TO DO
WITH HIM.

IT'S OVER.
- [gasps]

AND IT'S NOT HIM.
IT'S US, HONEY.

THAT'S RIGHT, IT'S NOT YOU,
IT'S HER. WHATEVER.

JUST SHUT UP FOR ONE SECOND!
GOD! FUCK!

THIS HAS NOTHING
TO DO WITH HIM.

[sobs]

IT'S JUST, WE'RE OVER.

NO, WE'RE NOT OVER.

WE'LL--WE'LL ALL
SET UP TOGETHER,
THE THREE OF US,

TILL YOU GET THIS
OUT OF YOUR SYSTEM.

BABY, YOU'RE NOT
HEARING ME.

I'M FUCKING HEARING YOU.
OK?

I'M FUCKING HEARING YOU!

GOD DAMN IT!

SEE, I'M GONNA
KILL MYSELF RIGHT NOW
AND YOU CARE,

YOU CARE BECAUSE YOU LOVE ME.
- THAT'S A NICE GIRL.

SHUT THE FUCK UP,
ALL RIGHT!

HEY, WHAT--

OH, MY GOD.
- WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?

WHAT DID YOU...

- OH, NO. OH, NO.
- [whooping]

(Ricki)
WHAT DID YOU DO?

- THIS HOT ENOUGH
FOR YOU, BABY?

- GET AWAY FROM ME.
- YOU WANT SOME?

- SIT DOWN.
- WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?!

- OH, MY GOD.
- WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?

LADY, YOU NEED SOME
BAND-AIDS.

(Larry)
THIS MUST BE
MENTAL-FUCKING-ILLNESS WEEK.

THAT WOMAN...
IS FUCKING BEAUTIFUL.

[chuckling]
YES.

SHE'S LIKE
THE ONES AT THE BAYWATCH.

YES.

THEY MAKE MY PENIS SNEEZE.

[laughs]

YOU GOT A GOOD
SENSE OF HUMOR,
YOU KNOW THAT?

GOD BLESS YOU.

- THANK YOU.
- NO, NOT YOU, STUPID.

WHEN MY PENIS SNEEZES,
I SAY, "GOD BLESS YOU."

GOD BLESS YOU, PENIS.

[snorts]

SHE'S GONNA BE OK.

OH, WHAT A RELIEF.

BRIAN, WOULD YOU
EXCUSE US?

I WANNA TALK
TO LARRY FOR A MINUTE. OK?

YOU BE ALL RIGHT
IN THE CAR?

- YEAH.
- OK, GOOD.

I JUST...

I GOTTA TELL YOU,
I'M NOT UP FOR THIS
THUMB DEAL.

I SAY WE DON'T DO IT.

YOU TRYING
TO TEST ME?

IS THAT IT? YOU WANNA SEE
IF I'M GONNA DO WHAT
I'M SUPPOSED TO DO?

NO.

SO, WHAT ARE YOU,
A CONTRACTOR
WITH A CONSCIENCE?

LOOK, I'VE DONE
SOME BAD THINGS,

BUT I DIDN'T SIGN ON TO THIS
TO BE A BRUTAL STREET THUG.

BECAUSE FAR AS I'M CONCERNED,
THAT'S NOT THE JOB I TOOK.

HOW WOULD YOU
GET AROUND IT?

I'D WORK IT OUT.

BUT FIRST I GOT TO KNOW,
ARE YOU WITH ME?

SURE.

SURE OR YES?

THAT'S THE SAME THING.

NO, IT'S NOT
THE SAME THING.

SEE, IF I WERE TO ASK YOU
TO MOVE MY COUCH FOR ME,

YOU'D PROBABLY SAY, "SURE."

BUT IF I WERE TO ASK YOU
TO LOOK DEEP INTO MY EYES,

AND TELL ME FROM
THE BOTTOM OF YOUR HEART

IF IT WOULD GIVE
YOU GREAT PLEASURE

IF I WERE TO SUCK YOUR COCK
FOR 12 HOURS,

IF I MAY BE PRESUMPTUOUS,
YOU'D PROBABLY SAY, "YES."

SEE, IT JUST IMPLIES
A DIFFERENT LEVEL
OF COMMITMENT.

ASK ME THE QUESTION AGAIN.

OK. ARE YOU WITH ME?

YES.

GOOD.

- ISN'T THIS "B" LEVEL?
- THIS IS "D" LEVEL.
YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE.

WELL, I'M LOOKING
FOR "B" LEVEL.

NO, THIS IS A "D" LEVEL
AND NO ONE IS ALLOWED
ON "D" LEVEL.

SO YOU NEED TO GO BACK
TO "B" LEVEL.

OK, HOLD ON, BECAUSE
YOU'RE CONFUSING ME, OK?

NO, YOU'RE CONFUSING ME.

LET'S JUST START
FROM THE BEGINNING.

IF THIS ISN'T "B"--

[gasping]
OH, MY GOD.

OH, MY GOD.
I AM SO SORRY.

- OH, THAT'S OK.
- I'M SORRY.

SHH.

(Ricki)
JUST SOAK THAT IN COLD WATER
AND IT'LL COME RIGHT OUT, OK?

I PROMISE YOU.
YES. NO, IT WILL. IT WILL.

LOOK, THE THING IS,
THE REASON I'M HERE

IS THEY TOLD ME TO GO
AROUND THE CORNER...

- CLOSE YOUR EYES.
- WHAT?

[whispering]
CLOSE YOUR EYES.
FOLLOW ME.

JUST WALK IN.
CLOSE YOUR EYES.
DON'T LOOK.

(Larry)
COME ON. GO, GO, GO.
YOU'RE FINE.

- CAN I OPEN THEM?
- NO. STAND RIGHT HERE.

- IT'S COLD IN HERE.
- SHH.

DON'T LOOK AT NOTHIN',
ALL RIGHT?

CAN I OPEN 'EM?

NO.

STAY TURNED AROUND.

SMELLS LIKE
MY GRANDMOTHER'S.

[rustling]

WHAT WAS THAT?

IT'S NOTHIN'.

[creaking]

[hacking]

[chuckling]

♪ I LIKE BIG BUTTS
AND I CANNOT LIE ♪

♪ THE OTHER BROTHERS
CAN'T DENY ♪

♪ WHEN THE GIRLS WALK IN
WITH AN ITTY-BITTY WAIST ♪

♪ AND ROUND THINGS
IN YOUR FACE ♪

♪ YOU GET SPRUNG
WANNA PULL UP TOUGH ♪

♪ 'CAUSE YOU NOTICE
THAT BUTT WAS STUFFED ♪

♪ 'CAUSE I'M LONG,
AND I'M STRONG ♪

♪ AND I'M DOWN TO
GET THE FRICTION ON ♪

♪ SO, LADIES, YEAH
LADIES, YEAH ♪

♪ YOU WANNA ROLL
IN MY MERCEDES? YEAH? ♪

♪ SO TURN AROUND
STICK IT OUT ♪

♪ EVEN WHITE BOYS
GOT TO SHOUT ♪

♪ BABY GOT BACK! ♪

♪ [humming] ♪

♪ BABY GOT BACK! ♪

♪ [humming] ♪

[laughing]

THAT'S AN OLD-SCHOOL--
THAT'S AN OLD-SCHOOL SONG.

YOU'RE OLD-SCHOOL,
TOO, LARRY.
YOU'RE OLD-SCHOOL.

[Larry snorts]
[crackling]

SO WE GOT AN ITEM
THAT WE WANNA PACKAGE
OURSELVES AND, UH, YOU KNOW...

- MAIL OUT.
- OK.

SO COULD WE JUST GET, LIKE,
AN ENVELOPE FROM YOU?

WHAT SIZE WOULD YOU LIKE?

JUST THE TOP,
RIGHT--

- SIX BY NINE.
- YEAH.

SO, ALL RIGHT.

- WE'RE DONE, RIGHT?
- MMM-HMM.

THAT'S IT.

ALL RIGHT, THEN.

[laughing]

YEAH.

THANKS.

[paper crackling]

WOULD YOU LIKE
YOUR PARCEL INSURED?

[chuckles]

NO, THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

FRIEND OF YOURS?

CLOSE PERSONAL.

[slams door]

[starts car]

YOU KNOW SOMETHING?
YOU'RE RIGHT.

IT IS SADNESS.
IT'S SADNESS,
AND I'M FUCKING SAD.

YOU GOT ME.

YOU'RE A GENIUS.

YOU KNOW WHY I'M FUCKING SAD?

BECAUSE I GOT THIS FUCKING

BEAUTIFUL, SEXY, GORGEOUS

HEARTTHROB-O-RAMA,
FUCKING SMART,
AMAZING BOMBSHELL,

17-ON-A-FUCKING-10-SCALE GIRL

SLEEPING IN A BED
RIGHT NEXT TO ME.

(Larry)
AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

SHE'S A STONE-COLD DYKE.

A FUCKING UNTOUCHABLE,

UNHAVEABLE,
UNATTAINABLE BRICK WALL

FUCKING DYKEASAURUS REXI.

SO IT'S SAD, OK?

WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?

I FEEL FUCKING
SADNESS ABOUT THAT.

THERE'S NOTHING
I CAN FUCKING DO.

AND NOT ONLY IS SHE
A MAJOR BABE,

BUT I REALLY LIKE
THIS GIRL A LOT.

A LOT.

I MEAN,
SHE'S NOT LIKE ANYBODY ELSE
I EVER KNEW BEFORE,

AND THAT'S A COMPLETELY
FUCKING NEW ONE ON ME.

AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW
HER REAL FUCKING NAME.

SO THERE YOU GO.

OH, AND IN CASE
YOU'RE INTERESTED,
MY LIFE SUCKS.

ALL RIGHT?
STICK A FORK IN ME, I'M DONE.

[laughing]

[squeaking from T.V.]

CLEAN THE BAR ALL YOU LIKE.

I'M JUST GONNA
PUKE ON IT AGAIN.

(ape #1)
OH, YOU GOT ME.

(ape #2)
OH! I GOT YOU! OH!

[keys jingling]

DO YOU THINK
YOUR FINGERNAILS
NEED TRIMMING?

THEY'RE FINE.

WHAT? YOU DON'T LIKE
MY FINGERNAILS NOW?

LOOK, I HAVE NO IDEA
IF THIS IS TRUE OR NOT,
BUT I'VE HEARD IT SAID

THAT THOSE WHO ARE BALANCED

MORE TOWARD
THE MASCULINE OF EITHER SEX

CHECK THEIR
FINGERNAILS THIS WAY.

AND THOSE BALANCED MORE
TOWARD THE FEMININE

CHECK THEM THAT WAY.

AND I JUST HAD A FEELING
THAT EVEN THOUGH

YOU HAVE THIS TOUGH GUY THING
GOING ON, THAT YOU...

ARE WRESTLING WITH SOME
VERY STRONG FEMININE LEANINGS.

(Larry)
THAT'S FUCKIN' BULLSHIT.

I--I CAN'T SEE.
I'M FARSIGHTED.

NEARSIGHTED.
WHATEVER IT IS.

SO I HOLD 'EM OUT HERE,
BUT I CAN'T SEE 'EM UP CLOSE.

YOU WANNA FIND OUT HOW
SOMEBODY'S BALANCED TOWARD
A MASCULINE, LOOK AT ME.

I CAN'T SEE.
THAT'S WHY I HOLD 'EM FAR AWAY.

- [chuckling] ALL RIGHT.
- YEAH, IT IS ALL RIGHT.

NO, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT.

I WAS GONNA GO LIKE THIS,

THAT'S WHAT I WANNA DO.
BUT I KNOW I CAN'T SEE,

SO I HOLD THEM OUT
THERE TO LOOK AT 'EM.

ALL RIGHT.

DON'T GIVE ME THAT LOOK.
I SEE YOU LOOKING AT ME.

ARE YOU GAY?

WHAT THE FUCK.

NO! I'M NOT GAY!

I AM NOT GAY.
WHY DO YOU LOOK AT ME
AND THINK I'M GAY?

I AM NOT FUCKING GAY!

ARE YOU SURE?

YEAH, I'M FUCKIN' SURE.

YOU KNOW WHAT,
I BET YOU'RE RIGHT.

- THANK YOU.
- IT WASN'T A COMPLIMENT.

RICKI,
WHATEVER YOUR REAL NAME IS,
ALL RIGHT, THIS IS MY EYES.

LOOK--LOOK--LOOK
HOW I'M ACTING.

YOU'RE DRIVING ME CRAZY.

YOU, LIKE, FUCKIN' GIVE ME
A FUCKIN' H-H-HEADACHE.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY
I HAD A CRUSH ON YOU

BACK A LONG TIME
WHEN I FIRST MET YOU,

THAT YOU REALLY
CURED ME OF.

I DON'T KNOW.

MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE
YOU KNOW I CAN
KICK YOUR ASS.

MAYBE THAT TURNS YOU ON.

YOU CANNOT KICK MY ASS.

OW!

WHAT?

[chuckles]

YOU--YOU
NEED A WOMAN.

I GOT ONE.

OW! STOP.

KISS ME AGAIN.

I THOUGHT YOU WANTED
TO BE MY BITCH.

THIS IS SO FUCKED UP.

WHERE YOU GOIN'?

IT'S TURKEY TIME.

HUH?

GOBBLE, GOBBLE.

WHAT?

NOW, YOU TALK THE TALK,

YOU KNOW I'M EXPECTING
YOU TO WALK THE WALK.

COME ON. SHOW ME WHAT

I'VE BEEN MISSING
MY WHOLE LIFE.

LAY SOME OF THAT SWEET
HETEROLINGUS ON ME.

I THINK, UH,

TO BE SERIOUS...
- MMM?

I JUST...
YOU KNOW, I THINK...

I WAS THINKING, YOU KNOW,
AND YOU WERE RIGHT

WHEN YOU SAID, YOU KNOW,
PROBABLY, ACTUALLY A WOMAN
MIGHT KNOW MORE

ABOUT WHAT FEELS BETTER
TO ANOTHER WOMAN.

SHE'S A WOMAN HERSELF.

A GUY MIGHT BE AT
A CERTAIN DISADVANTAGE.

YOU KNOW, LIKE, UH...

IT'S LIKE, YOU NEED,
LIKE, A HANDICAP.

YOU KNOW, LIKE GOLF.

SHUT UP AND GET OVER HERE.

OH! [laughing]

GOD BLESS YOU,
PENIS.

WHAT'D YOU SAY?

NOTHIN'.

EVERY RELATIONSHIP
HAS A BULL AND A COW, HUH?

THAT'S RIGHT.

MMMMMMOOOO!

JUST TO BE UP FRONT
ABOUT ALL THIS...

- MMM?

- WHEN THIS GIG IS OVER,

I WANT YOU TO KNOW
THAT I'M GONNA BE LEAVING.

[phone ringing]

[rings]

- YEAH?
- (Louis) LISTEN,

YOU AND TRIXIE OVER THERE,
MEET ME AT BEVERLY AND LOMITAS.

LOUIS, WHAT'S GOING ON?

AND DON'T BRING THE THING.

- THE WHAT?
- THE THING.

- DON'T BRING THE THING.
- WHAT THING?

THE THING! DON'T BRING--
DON'T BRING IT.

- OH, YOU MEAN THE, UH...
- YEAH. DON'T BRING IT.

YOU LEAVE IT SOMEWHERE SAFE
FOR THE TIME BEING.

- ALL RIGHT.
- YOU UNDERSTAND?

- YEAH, I UNDERSTAND,
I UNDERSTAND.

- AND HURRY UP, JACKASS.

[phone clicks]

WHAT?

IT'S LOUIS.
HE'S FUCKIN' PISSED.

(Larry)
SEE THIS?
SOME COOKIES IN THERE.

WE'LL BE BACK.

- WHEN ARE YOU COMING BACK?
- SOON.

JUST RELAX,
EAT YOUR BREAKFAST. OK?

I'M NOT HUNGRY,
THOUGH.

WELL, YOU CAN'T SKIP
BREAKFAST.

IT'S A VERY IMPORTANT MEAL.
ALL RIGHT?

DON'T GO NOWHERE.
DON'T TOUCH NOTHING.

DON'T MAKE ANY PHONE CALLS.
I'M NOT KIDDING.

ALL RIGHT, LARRY.

ALL RIGHT.
SEE YOU LATER.

BYE, RICKI.

BYE, BRIAN.

WHAT?

NOTHIN'.

YOU KNOW,
I GOT THIS, UH, FANTASY.

ABOUT MAKING IT
WITH A GUY?

[snorts, laughs]
NO.

[laughing]

THAT'S NOT IT.

GOING SOMEWHERE, YOU KNOW,
LIKE, SOMEWHERE REALLY,

REALLY, UH...CLEAN.

CLEAN?

YEAH.

NO SCUMBAGS
TELLING YOU WHAT TO DO.

NOBODY YELLING AT YOU
ALL THE TIME.

SOMEPLACE
YOU COULD JUST BE.

[birds chirping]

BE YOURSELF.

NO BAD STUFF.

THAT SOUNDS GOOD.

WHAT'S UP?

WE HAVE A VISITOR
FROM NEW YORK.

FOLLOW ME.

[starts engine]

HELLO.

WELCOME.
NICE TO MEET YOU.

- HELLO, SIR.
- FINALLY.

NICE TO MEET YOU, TOO.

COME. WOW, LOOK AT YOU.
BEAUTIFUL.

COME ON IN.
HERE. GRAB A COUCH.

SIT, SIT.

I SAY EVERYTHING TWICE.
IN, IN. SIT, SIT.

I'M SO GLAD
YOU COULD COME

ON SUCH
A SHORT NOTICE, TOO.

THANK YOU,
I REALLY APPRECIATE IT.
I REALLY...

I THANK YOU.

I APPRECIATE IT.
HERE, I'VE GOT SOME STUFF.

I'M SORRY IF I'M
A BIT OF A MESS,

BUT I JUST GOT IN
A FEW HOURS AGO.

I'M SURE LOUIS TOLD YOU,
YOU KNOW, I'M HAVING, UH,

SOME LITTLE LEGAL PROBLEMS
OUT HERE RIGHT NOW.

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?
IT'S A REAL NUISANCE,

BUT WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?
I GOT TO FIGHT IT, RIGHT?

I MEAN, I CAN'T GO TO JAIL.

THAT JUST CAN'T HAPPEN.

HUH? I'M USED TO
THE FINER THINGS.

LOUIS, AM I RIGHT?

YOU ARE RIGHT.

IT CAN'T BE.
SO I THINK WE CAN SAY

BEYOND A SHADOW OF A DOUBT,
THAT IT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN.

(Starkman)
HUH?

SOMEWHERE, A MISTAKE
HAS BEEN MADE.

DID YOU KNOW

THAT APPARENTLY SOME PEOPLE

DO NOT REGARD THE THUMB,
TECHNICALLY, TO BE A FINGER?

CURIOUS FOR MYSELF,
I TURNED TO LOUIS HERE,

WHO, WITH HIS
NEWFOUND DICTIONARY SKILLS,
LOOKED IT UP FOR ME.

YOU KNOW WHAT IT SAID?

NO.

TELL HIM
WHAT IT SAID, LOUIS.

[clears throat]

IT SAID, QUOTE:

"THE SHORT, THICK,
INNER DIGIT OF THE HAND

NEXT TO THE FOREFINGER."
UNQUOTE.

NOW IT SAID,
"DIGIT," NOT "FINGER."

SO I STILL DON'T
REALLY KNOW, TECHNICALLY,

IF IT'S CONSIDERED
A FINGER OR NOT.

RIGHT?
- RIGHT.

RIGHT. LOOK AT HIM.
I LOVE HIM.

I LOVE THIS GUY.
HE EATS NO MATTER WHAT.

I LOVE YOU, LOUIS.

WHAT'S THIS?

WHAT IS THIS?
LOUIS...

I'VE BEEN SUBPOENAED.

I CAN'T BE CONSORTING
WITH ARMED FELONS.

A LITTLE CONSIDERATION,
PLEASE.

BESIDES, YOU THINK SOMETHING
LIKE THIS IS NECESSARY,

ANYWAY, TO INTIMIDATE PEOPLE?

I SAY INTIMIDATION
COMES FROM WITHIN.

THERE ARE A MULTITUDE
OF QUALITIES AN INDIVIDUAL
CAN POSSESS

THAT MAKE THEM INTIMIDATING.

NOT ONLY THIS,
THIS IS THE OUTSIDE.

THEN THERE'S THE INSIDE.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT'S
THE MOST INTIMIDATING QUALITY?

NOT THAT YOU ASKED.

BUT THE ABSOLUTELY
MOST INTIMIDATING,
IN MY OPINION?

WHEN AN INDIVIDUAL
JUST DOESN'T GIVE A SHIT.

LOUIS, YOU WANNA GO
TO MEDICAL SCHOOL?

MEDICAL SCHOOL?

[gasps]

YES!

STUDENTS THERE CAN ALWAYS USE
SOMETHING TO LEARN ON.

[wheezing laugh]

I FEEL LIKE I'M FLOATING.

(Starkman)
I FEEL...

RELEASED.

I DON'T GIVE A SHIT.

I DON'T.

I HAVE NO COMPUNCTIONS,

NONE WHATSOEVER.

AND I AM VERY CONCERNED

ABOUT THE WAY
THINGS HAVE TURNED OUT HERE.

HOW WAS THE BLEEDING?

THE BLEEDING?

NO, NO, NO.
NOT HIM.

[wheezing laugh]

THE RETARD,
WHEN YOU CUT HIS THUMB OFF.

LOUIS, UH, TOLD ME
YOU WERE CONCERNED.

BLEEDING WAS FINE.

FINE?

IT WAS ALL RIGHT.

OK. GOOD.

I DIDN'T NEED
YOUR HELP, YOU KNOW.

I COULD HAVE BEATEN
THESE CHARGES.

WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?

YOU WERE GONNA EXTORT
A FEDERAL PROSECUTOR.

YOU THOUGHT
YOU COULD SAY...

"KIDNAPPED YOUR
LITTLE BROTHER,
DROP ALL CHARGES,"

AND THE GUY'D ROLL OVER?

YOU DIDN'T THINK ALL HELL
WOULDN'T BREAK LOOSE?

YOU DIDN'T THINK
EVERY FUCKING FED

WOULDN'T DROP
WHATEVER THEY WERE DOING

AND DIVE IN TO PROTECT
ONE OF THEIR OWN?

WHAT DO YOU MORONS THINK,

THIS IS LITTLE ITALY?!

WAKE UP!

THIS IS THE
TWENTY-FUCKING-FIRST CENTURY!

SO NOW...

THINGS ARE BAD.

AND WHETHER YOU
WANNA CALL A THUMB

A FINGER OR A DIGIT,

FOR THE SAKE OF
THIS DISCUSSION,
IT DOESN'T REALLY MATTER.

YOU KNOW WHY?

BECAUSE WHATEVER
YOU CHOOSE TO CALL IT,

A THUMB

HAS A FINGERPRINT,

AND THE ONE YOU SENT

HAD THE WRONG FUCKING ONE.

MR. STARKMAN--

I KNOW MY FUCKING NAME,

YOU PIECE OF SHIT!

YOU DON'T TRY TO EXTORT

A FEDERAL FUCKING PROSECUTOR!

AND IF YOU DO,

YOU DON'T FUCK AROUND!

FUCK THIS.

CUTTING OFF HIS THUMB
WAS A STUPID ORDER

AND WE WOULD HAVE BEEN DERELICT
IN OUR RESPONSIBILITIES
IF WE HAD FOLLOWED IT.

HELLO.

HOW LONG DO YOU THINK WE COULDA
KEPT BELOW THE RADAR

WITH A THUMBLESS,
BLEEDING HALF-WIT?

YOU SEE, SOMETIMES

ONE HAS TO USE
THEIR PROFESSIONAL
PREROGATIVE

TO OVERRIDE
A DUMB REQUEST.

WITH ALL DUE RESPECT,

EVEN AT THIS POINT
IF YOU WERE TO ASK US

TO PURSUE
A COURSE OF ACTION
THAT WOULD BE,

LET'S SAY, CONTRARY
TO YOUR BEST INTERESTS,

THEN AS AWKWARD
AS IT MIGHT BE,

WE WOULD HAVE TO
TAKE EXCEPTION.

ASIDE FROM THOSE OF US
HERE IN THIS ROOM,

THERE IS ONLY
ONE PERSON, REALLY,

THAT CAN LINK YOU
TO THIS FUCK-UP.

AND I FEEL THAT WE SHOULD...

RECTIFY THAT PROBLEM
AS SOON AS WE CAN.

I THINK I'D MUCH PREFER
JUST TO,

YOU KNOW,

END IT RIGHT HERE.

HMM.

AND THAT WOULD BE
YOUR PROFESSIONAL
PREROGATIVE.

IF YOU THINK THAT HAVING
THAT KID PICKED UP
BY THE AUTHORITIES

AND TELLING THEM ALL
ABOUT BEING KIDNAPPED

IN AN ATTEMPT TO SAVE
YOUR ASS MAKES ANY SENSE.

IF YOU THINK
THAT'S THE BEST TACTIC
TO KEEP YOU OUT OF JAIL.

IF YOU THINK
THAT'S ANY LESS DUMB

THAN ASKING TO HAVE
HIS FINGER CUT OFF,

[chuckling]
WELL, THEN THAT WOULD BE

THE THING
THAT YOU SHOULD DO.

BUT IF YOU DON'T,

THEN LET US
TAKE THE THORN
OUT OF YOUR SIDE.

LET US MAKE SURE
THAT KID WILL NEVER BE

ABLE TO TESTIFY
AGAINST ANYBODY.

AND IF AFTER THAT
YOU'RE STILL NOT HAPPY,

THEN WE CAN
ALL TALK AGAIN.

(Larry) YOU WERE KIDDING, RIGHT?
- (Ricki) WHAT DO YOU THINK?

WE'LL JUST TAKE BRIAN BACK
TO WHERE YOU FOUND HIM
AND GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE.

ARE WE GOING TO
THE BAYWATCH NOW?

NO, WE CAN'T GO
TO THE BAYWATCH NOW.

TAKE YOU LATER.

MAYBE THIS IS IT. I MEAN,
MAYBE THIS IS THE THING,
YOU KNOW.

MAYBE THIS IS, LIKE, A SIGN
COMING FROM NOWHERE,
FROM OUT OF THE BLUE,

JUST TELLING ME IT'S TIME.
IT'S TIME TO GET OUT.

IT'S TIME TO DO IT.

♪ WHEN I'M ALONE IN MY ROOM
SOMETIMES I STARE
AT THE WALL ♪

♪ AND IN THE BACK OF MY MIND
I HEAR MY CONSCIENCE CALL ♪

♪ TELLING ME I NEED A GIRL
WHO'S AS SWEET AS A DOVE ♪

♪ FOR THE FIRST TIME
IN MY LIFE I COULD SEE
I NEED LOVE ♪

♪ SO IF YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE
WILLING TO MAKE
YOURSELF SEEN ♪

♪ TAKE A CHANCE WITH MY LOVE
AND FIND OUT WHAT I MEAN ♪

♪ I NEED LOVE ♪

♪ [humming] ♪

BRIAN.

♪ I NEED LOVE ♪

LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING.

YOU GOT A GIRLFRIEND?

NO, I DON'T.

LET ME DO SOMETHING FOR YOU,
OK, 'CAUSE, YOU KNOW,

TO MAKE UP FOR ALL
THE PROBLEMS I CAUSED YOU.

'CAUSE I SEE YOU'RE A LITTLE--
A LITTLE NERVOUS AROUND WOMEN.

RIGHT?
LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.

YOU GOT NO REASON TO BE SHY.
THERE'S NO MAGIC TO IT.

LET--LET ME TELL YOU
THIS THING THAT I HEARD,

AND I'M STARTING
TO BELIEVE THAT IT'S TRUE.

[chuckling]
YOU KNOW?

IT'S THAT, LIKE, THE THING
YOU'RE MOST AFRAID OF IN LIFE,

IF YOU DO IT, IF YOU STEP UP,
GOOD THINGS WILL HAPPEN.

YOU SEE A GIRL THAT YOU LIKE
THAT YOU'RE SCARED TO TALK TO,

BRO, STEP UP.

GO UP TO HER AND SAY:

"HI, HOW ARE YOU TODAY?
NICE WEATHER WE'RE HAVING."
YOU KNOW, TAKE IT FROM THERE,

WHEREVER THE CONVERSATION
GOES. ALL RIGHT, YOU TRY IT.

TRY IT WITH ME.
PRACTICE. GO AHEAD.

HELLO, HOW ARE YOU TODAY?

TRY IT WITH ME.
GO AHEAD. JUST SAY IT.

HELLO, HOW ARE YOU TODAY?

COME ON.
HELLO. HELLO?

HELLO.

HOW ARE YOU TODAY?

HOW--HOW ARE YOU TODAY?

NICE WEATHER WE'RE HAVING.

NICE WEATHER WE'RE HAVING.

THERE YOU GO.
YOU SEE HOW HE DID IT?

IT'S BECAUSE YOU
STEPPED UP, BRIAN.

IF YOU'RE AFRAID,
STEP UP AND GOOD THINGS
START TO HAPPEN. AM I RIGHT?

I STEPPED UP.

STEP IT UP, PIMP.

THAT'S HOW YOU DO.
STEP IT UP.

SO, UH, NOW THAT WE'RE
PARTNERS IN CRIME,

HOW ABOUT TELLING ME
YOUR REAL NAME?

THE REASON
THAT I ASK THAT

IS BECAUSE, I DON'T KNOW
IF YOU GAVE IT ANY THOUGHT
SINCE LAST NIGHT,

BUT I'VE BEEN
THINKING ABOUT IT.

AND SEEING,
YOU KNOW,

LOOKS LIKE
NOW WE'RE BOTH
GONNA BE LEAVING.

SO I THOUGHT,
YOU KNOW...

ALL RIGHT, LOOK.

I'M GONNA LAY IT ALL
OUT THERE FOR YOU RIGHT NOW.

I'M JUST GONNA SAY IT,
BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, HERE I AM.

I THINK--

LARRY.

YOU KNOW I HAVEN'T DONE
THIS KIND OF THING
HARDLY EVER.

YOU KNOW,
THE WHOLE MAN THING

DOESN'T REALLY
HOLD THAT MUCH
FOR ME, USUALLY.

I KNOW.

BUT SOMEHOW
YOU GOT THROUGH.

SOMEHOW.

BUT IN THE END...

I DON'T THINK
I COULD EVER BE
WHAT YOU REALLY WANT.

SO WHERE DO YOU THINK
YOU'LL GO?

(Ricki)
I DON'T KNOW.

SOMEWHERE CLEAN.

YOU KNOW,
NORTHERN CALIFORNIA,

OREGON MAYBE.

YOU COULD JUST DROP ME OFF
ANYWHERE NEAR
THE PACIFIC COAST HIGHWAY

AND I'LL FIGURE
IT OUT FROM THERE.

OK.

AFTER THAT, BRIAN, UH,
I THINK IT'S GONNA BE
TIME TO GO HOME.

WE JUST LEFT THERE
A LITTLE WHILE AGO, THOUGH.

I DON'T MEAN
MY APARTMENT.

I MEAN, YOU KNOW,
THE PLACE WHERE YOU LIVE.

WHERE I GOT YOU.

WHAT, YOU MEAN TO STAY?

YEAH, BUDDY. TO STAY.

OH, MY GOD.

OH, MY GOD. OH, MY GOD.

OH, MY GOD.
OH, MY GOD.

- IT'S OPEN. OH MY GOD.
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

- SIT DOWN.
- LOOK, IT'S OPEN! HO HO HO!

- BRIAN, WHAT?
WHAT'S HE TALKING ABOUT?

THEY'RE OPEN.
OH, MY GOD. MY GOD.

[Brian whoops]

THEY'RE OPEN, THEY'RE OPEN.

OH, MY GOD. THE BAYWATCH,
THE BAYWATCH, THE BAYWATCH.

THEY'RE OPEN, THEY'RE OPEN!

[laughing]

- COWABUNGA!
- OH, MY GOD.

THAT'S THE BAYWATCH?

- IT'S OPEN, IT'S OPEN.
THE BAYWATCH. IT'S THE BAYWATCH.

IT'S THE BAYWATCH.
HELLO THERE!

[Brian laughing]

I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS!
I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS!

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
WE HAVE TO STOP.

- WE CAN'T STOP NOW.
(Ricki) COME ON, LARRY.

(Brian)
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

WE HAVE TO STOP! HAVE TO STOP!

NO, LARRY, NO!
NO, NO, NO, NO.

THEY'RE HERE. WE'RE HERE.
WE'RE HERE. WE'RE HERE.

BRIAN, I KNOW. WE CAN'T, THOUGH.

I'M SORRY. WE CAN'T STOP.

- LARRY, WE'RE HERE.
- WE'RE HERE!

- WE'RE RIGHT HERE!
- BRIAN.

- WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
WE'RE RIGHT HERE!

- BRIAN.
- LARRY.

- BRIAN.
- LARRY.

- BRIAN.
- LARRY.

- BRIAN.
- LARRY.

(Brian)
WAIT, WAIT A SECOND.

WAIT. SO TURN
AROUND NOW, OK?

ALL RIGHT. EH?

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

CAN I GO DOWN THERE?

BRIAN, YOU CAN'T GO DOWN THERE,
NO. THAT'S...

I MEAN, THEY--
WE'RE NOT ALLOWED
DOWN THERE. IT'S...

PLUS, WE GOT TO GO SOON.

PLEASE? PLEASE CAN I
GO DOWN THERE?

YOU KNOW, BRIAN,
I DON'T EVEN THINK...

THIS MIGHT NOT EVEN
BE THE BAYWATCH.

I THINK THIS IS PROBABLY
SOMETHING ELSE.

LARRY,
YOU PROMISED ME.

YOU PROMISED ME.

IT'S RIGHT THERE.

I KNOW.

JUST FOR FIVE MINUTES?

FOR FIVE MINUTES?

BRIAN, WHAT'S YOUR
BROTHER'S NAME?

BRIAN.
- MY BROTHER'S--
MY BROTHER'S--

MY BROTHER'S NAME
IS STINKY JIMMY DORF.
WANNA KNOW WHY?

YEAH, SOME OTHER TIME,
I DO.

YEAH, LOS ANGELES.
THE U.S. COURTHOUSE.

THE OFFICE OF A JAMES DORF.

BECAUSE....
DO YOU WANNA KNOW WHY?
DO YOU WANNA KNOW WHY?

UH-HUH. YEAH, YEAH.

BECAUSE SOMETIMES
HE SMELLS LIKE FISH.

NO, I DON'T THINK SO.

UH, YEAH, YEAH,
I'LL GIVE YOU MY NAME.
GIVE ME A MINUTE.

HOLD ON. I FORGOT IT.
YEAH.

[sighs]

[laughing]

BRIAN.

BRIAN, LOOK AT ME.

I THINK YOUR BROTHER
AND HIS FRIENDS
ARE GONNA BE HERE SOON

TO PICK YOU UP.
OK?

I WANT YOU
TO KNOW SOMETHING.

YOU'RE A GOOD KID.

I'M SORRY ABOUT
ALL THE, UH...

I'M SORRY FOR BEING, UH...

I'M SORRY.

I THINK YOU'RE WRONG.

I THINK THAT IS
THE BAYWATCH RIGHT THERE.

WHO KNOWS? MAYBE IT IS.

[chuckling]

I'M A GENIUS, MON.

I KNEW IT.

YOU TAKE GOOD CARE
OF YOURSELF, BRIAN.

YOU TAKE GOOD CARE
OF YOURSELF, LARRY.

I'LL DO THAT.

BRIAN,
LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING.

HOW DO YOUR FINGERNAILS
LOOK?

MY FINGERNAILS?

YOUR FINGERNAILS,
HOW ARE THEY LOOKING?

DON'T SAY NOTHIN'.

THEY LOOK VERY GOOD.

I GOT A-PLUS NAILS.
I GOT A-PLUS NAILS.

NEVER MIND. OK. GOOD.

GO AHEAD.

[laughing]

[Brian laughs]

GO ON.

YOU KNOW, I DON'T KNOW
HOW YOU'RE THINKING

ABOUT GETTING OUT
OF HERE OR WHATEVER,

WHAT YOUR PLANS ARE,
BUT, UH....

[keys jingling]

[sighs]

I THINK YOU SHOULD TAKE MY CAR.

GO AHEAD, TAKE IT.
TAKE IT.

I COULDN'T DO THAT, LARRY.

I'D RATHER...
YOU KNOW, I'D PREFER
IF YOU HAD IT.

IT'S A GOOD CAR,
AND I WANT YOU
TO BE ALL RIGHT.

AND I KNOW THAT, YOU KNOW,
IT'LL GET YOU
WHEREVER YOU NEED TO GO,

SO JUST, YOU KNOW, TAKE IT.

I WAS THINKING ABOUT
GETTING RID OF IT ANYWAY.

I'M TRYING TO CHANGE MY IMAGE.

GO AHEAD, TAKE IT.

PLEASE.

OK.

I WILL, THANK YOU.

NAH, DON'T MENTION IT.

JUST DO ME
ONE FAVOR, THOUGH.

NAME IT.

AS FAR AS THE, UH,
LESBIAN THING GOES...

YEAH?

IF YOU DO EVER THINK ABOUT
HOPPING THE FENCE,

PROMISE YOU'LL
GIVE ME A CALL FIRST.

[car starts]

(man, over loudspeaker)
OK, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
LISTEN UP.

CAMERA IS READY
AND PICTURE IS UP.

I NEED ALL DANCERS
TO FIRST POSITION
AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.

ALL DANCERS TO FIRST POSITION
AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.
LET'S GO.

[people chattering]

(Director)
OK, LISTEN UP, GUYS.

CAN WE PLEASE FINISH
PAIRING UP, EVERYONE?

COME ON, GUYS,
IT'S NOT LIKE
YOU'RE MATING FOR LIFE.

AS THE OLD SONG GOES:
"JUST LOVE
THE ONE YOU'RE WITH."

FIND SOMEONE TO LOVE.

[mouthing words]

NICE WEATHER
WE'RE HAVING.

(Australian accent)
YES, IT'S VERY NICE.

IT IS?

[giggling]
YES.

BUT THE WEATHER'S
ALWAYS VERY NICE
AROUND HERE, ISN'T IT?

YES, AND...

A 10% CHANCE OF PRECIPITATION
FOR LOW-LYING COASTAL REGIONS

EXTENDING FROM
NEW SOUTH WALES
TO VICTORIA.

[chuckling]

(Director)
AND PLAYBACK.

♪ [music playing]

AND...ACTION!

♪ I HEAR YOUR THUNDER ♪

♪ I HEAR YOUR THUNDER ♪

♪ I HEAR YOUR THUNDER ♪

♪ I HEAR YOUR THUNDER ♪

♪ I HEAR YOUR THUNDER... ♪

ROCHELLE.

WHAT?

ROCHELLE.
THAT'S MY REAL NAME.

ROCHELLE.

[chuckles]

SO, ROCHELLE,

DOES THIS MEAN
YOU DECIDED
TO HOP THE FENCE?

WELL, I WOULDN'T GO
THAT FAR.

BUT I FIGURED
SINCE I HELPED GET
YOU INTO ALL THIS,

THE LEAST I COULD DO
IS OFFER YOU
A RIDE OUT OF TOWN.

FAIR ENOUGH.

WHAT?

YOU KNOW,
I BET YOU'D LOOK AWESOME
IN SOME MASCARA.

I'M NOT SURE
HOW TO TAKE THAT.

IT'S A COMPLIMENT.

YEAH?

LIKE YOUR MOTHER SAID,

LIFE'S NOT ALWAYS
BLACK-AND-WHITE.

SOMETIMES YOU
JUST NEVER KNOW.

ARE YOU DRIVIN'
OR ARE YOU BULLSHITTIN'?

I'M DRIVIN'.

♪

(Brian)
♪ I LOVE BIG BUTTS
AND I CANNOT LIE ♪

♪ THE OTHER BROTHERS
CAN'T DENY ♪

♪ WHEN THE GIRLS WALK IN
WITH THEIR ITTY-BITTY WAIST ♪

♪ AND ROUND THINGS
IN YOUR FACE ♪

♪ YOU GET SPRUNG
OR PULL UP TOUGH ♪

♪ 'CAUSE YOU NOTICE
THAT BUTT WAS STUFFED ♪

♪ 'CAUSE I'M LONG,
AND I'M STRONG ♪

♪ AND I'M DOWN TO
GET THE FRICTION ON ♪

♪ SO, LADIES, YEAH
LADIES, YEAH ♪

♪ YOU WANNA ROLL
IN MY MERCEDES? YEAH! ♪

♪ SO TURN AROUND
STICK IT OUT ♪

♪ EVEN WHITE BOYS
GOT TO SHOUT ♪

♪ BABY GOT BACK! ♪

♪ [humming] ♪

♪ BABY GOT BACK! ♪

♪ [humming] ♪

[laughs]

♪