Gigantic (2008) - full transcript
Do we ever get what we want? Brian sells mattresses in a warehouse store. His father and older brothers have material success; he wants a child. He's applied to adopt a baby from China. A man who appears homeless seems to be stalking Brian with violent intent. He meets Happy, the daughter of a rich, quirky customer. She doesn't stick to anything, but she and Brian hit it off, except for her vomiting when she learns about his adoption idea. He wants her to meet his family, and there's a call about the adoption. What will Happy do?
They stopped.
Which one?
Seven.
Start the stopwatch.
- Is he okay?
- Yes, fine.
Stop.
What does that mean?
Nothing...
There...
The logic is, when forced
into an aversive situation
i.e. being dumped into a pool...
the rat will oscillate between attempts
to escape and resigning to its fate.
- And this guy gave up?
- Today he did.
Does he usually?
Yeah.
I'm trying to quantify
how helpless this one feels
and why more today than yesterday.
But it seems Mr. 7 is always
a little bit of a quitter.
- Could you sign this for me, Larry?
- Sure.
- Thank you.
- This is my friend Brian Weathersby
Hi Brian, nice to meet you.
- Do you work here?
- No.
We went to college together.
Really?
- He looks so much older than you.
- Thanks so much.
This is a PhD candidate
in neurobiology.
She's studying aggression
and sexual behaviour
- in Mongolian gerbils.
- I just play with gerbil dick all day.
Really?
No...
just... their brains.
- I'm sorry, that was really weird.
- Little bit.
I'm gonna go.
It was nice to meet you.
I'm sorry again.
If she had any idea how many times a day
I masturbated thinking about her.
She'd probably sue the university.
- She'd be right, it's inappropriate.
- Yeah.
So...
why do some swim and others not?
It's hard to say... I mean nobody knows
to what degree the rat feels helpless.
What we do know is that the drugs
we administer to make the rats
wanna swim more are the same drugs
that make people,
- feel less depressed.
- Antidepressants?
Antidepressants.
Do you know women are 20 times
more likely to be depressed than men?
Maybe more.
Can't remember the exact number.
It's a lot more.
That's good...
for men.
Not really... when you think
about it heterosexually.
Right.
Enough, enough...
stop, stop, stop!
Shit, what happened to you?
Pickup game, caught an elbow.
Black dude? White dude?
Definitely white.
Hey Kevin, lunch.
Hey look, got some mini burgers
a whole bunch if you want some.
- Wassup dude not much.
- Hey Kevin
- Want some?
- No, I'm good.
How did you make out
with the Wall Street guy?
I think I sold him 5 beds.
5 beds?
Why does he need 5 beds for?
He's got 5 bedrooms.
Smart.
Came in looking for some beds
for his new mansion.
I asked him
how his bonus season went.
Yeah, and...?
He cackled, squealed like a pig.
Fucking guy's 28.
What's bonus season?
Every year banks give out bonuses,
big bonuses a couple of mil.
I'm in the wrong industry.
I got him up on that Scona, made him
take off his shoes, got him a cup of tea.
He laid there
for a couple of minutes.
I asked him some questions
about his job,
reported bout his success
and bang... 5 beds.
You could sell salt to a slug...
if you listen to the slug.
This place depresses me.
Don't like the idea.
Stores?
- Let me get you somebody to talk to.
- Christ.
They'll help,
they know what they're talkin' about.
I don't have all day for speeches
I want a bed.
Hold on.
- Hi, can I help you?
- Yes, my boss is looking for a bed.
- Okay...
- And he doesn't have a ton of time.
This bed feels like it's full
of cookie dough.
That's a horsehair-covered bed.
It's a shit-covered bed
that's what it is.
What's this?
That's the Lady Englander Americanus
Series 400.
A salesman with a shiner.
I'm gonna believe him.
- Better feels like a plank though.
- Here's some literature.
I didn't just fall
off the turnip truck, son.
Tell you what,
if you have any specific questions,
I'm happy to help,
I'll be right over here.
No, you're on this ride with me
and the poofter here.
I came here to buy a bed
and I don't have time to chase you down
your little video-game station.
And what you kids do all day. Playing
those Tetris games pretending to work.
What's this?
A sarcophagus?
That's the Scona Sangar 770 series
3000 coil count.
Best bed on the market.
- Swedish.
- That was a joke.
Good one. Try it out, Gary.
C'mon, not gonna touch you.
Don't have to be shy in front of me,
I know how you spend your weekends.
Bunch of homos on Fire Island piling
on top of each other. It's disgusting.
It's nice.
Bet you wish you had a some of these out
there. Get all your buddies together.
Have a disgusting orgy.
I bet you wish you could come.
Alright, get up.
- What's the story on this thing?
- It's the last bed you'll ever buy.
- Only bed I ever bought, how much?
- $14,000.
American? It's a lot of money
for a goddamn bed.
Alright,
I'll send my girl by this afternoon
take a look, work out the financing.
14 grand is the price you quoted me
not a penny more
so don't try to Jew the price up on me.
You're not Jewish, are you?
- No, I'm not.
- Good.
It's just a figure of speech,
I'm half Jew myself
I work with Jews, they Jew me
all day long so I can say it.
- There's shipping and handling
- No. 14 grand, work it out Chester.
Let's go Gary,
this place depresses me.
You going where and for what now?
And when you leaving?
- Vancouver, right?
- Vermont. That was close.
My father's 80th birthday.
80th? Damn.
Your brother's going?
Hi.
- Can I help you?
- Yeah.
My dad... he came in here earlier
and talked to someone about a bed.
He came in here with another guy.
- Big guy?
- No, gay.
I meant your dad?
Oh yeah,
kind of sort of uh loud mouth.
Yeah, the Scona bed you wanna see?
Yeah...
This way.
That's a great bed.
Made in Sweden.
May I sit on it?
Sure.
This is a nice bed!
- How much is it?
- $14,000.
Holy shit!
Is this the one he wants?
Fuck it, money gotta spin man.
Thank you.
Can I lie here for awhile?
Sure.
Thanks.
Can you see up my skirt?
Not really.
Great.
What happened to your eye?
I was attacked by a homeless man.
I'm gonna get you a receipt,
there's...
a warranty package built
into the price,
it's a pretty standard
25 year non-prorated deal.
And... for delivery...
I guess I'll waive the fee
because I told your dad or...
or really he told me.
Family Initiative.
Kenyatta Folds, please.
I'm sorry, can you repeat the name?
Can you please connect me to
Kenyatta Folds this is Brian Weathersby.
- This is Kenyatta
- Hey Kenyatta, it's Brian.
Oh hey, wassup man?
What's the name
of those beds you make?
We don't make them
but they're called Scona beds.
I looked them up,
that shit's expensive.
Yes, but truly excellent
sleeping devices.
Better be for that kinda money.
Wassup big boy?
Nothing, it's Friday,
so I thought I'd call.
I got no news man,
they met on Wednesday but...
nothing's changed.
What about the application and
references did that make it any further?
No.
OK, I'm still interested
in the main adoption list
but can you keep me on the email list
and for alternative list as well?
- All 3 lists?
- You know it, man.
Thanks.
Be safe.
- Will do, bye.
- Bye.
Who is that girl?
That guy, the big guy
who came in earlier.
His daughter.
He buy that bed?
You see that's what I'm talking about.
That's what I'm talking about.
- So what's up with them Chinese people.
- Still no word.
I'll see you tomorrow.
Tell your papa I said Happy 80th.
I will.
How old was he when he had you?
52.
Damn.
Still shooting bullets at 52.
- I'm out.
- OK.
I fell asleep on your bed.
How long was I asleep?
2 and a half hours.
You must've been tired.
I've got your receipt here
and all the paperwork for the bed,
you just need to tell me
when to deliver it.
Wait a minute...
I had this fucked up dream...
I was in a cave and my hair
was made out of marijuana and then...
my swim coach
was...
And then...
we went to...
are you adopting a dog?
You were in my dream.
Do you ever incorporate things
into your dreams?
I was out of it.
What were we talking about?
Delivery, when do you want it?
You were on the phone.
You talking bout somethin'.
What were you talking?
In the process of adopting
a baby from China.
- Did you give me this?
- Yes.
- That's amazing.
- It was right there on the bed.
I meant the baby.
I don't have the baby yet.
Yeah, you've to go through
a shit ton of tests and...
interviews
and there are a few categories where
I'm not an ideal candidate.
- Do you mind me asking why?
- Not at all, I'm not married and 28.
- What would they rather have?
- Married and 30.
Are you gonna raise this kid?
That's the idea,
yeah if I ever get one.
So, how long have you wanted
to do that?
Pretty much my whole life.
So it's been a weird obsession.
Sorry I keep asking questions.
No, it's OK, it's a little weird.
So do you actually deliver it?
The bed?
The guys do it.
The delivery guys.
Well,
I guess...
I'll just come in tomorrow and...
see...
what my dad wants.
Yeah sure.
You just have to sign here
and you're good.
I am...
Brian, by the way.
I'm Happy.
Me, my name's Harriet,
but everybody calls me Happy.
It's a nice name.
Which one?
Harriet.
I like it.
Me too.
Near grand'ma.
- Yes, so...
- Shit.
I'll talk to you tomorrow?
I'm late for work.
You going to work now?
Yeah, I'm a hooker.
I thought so.
I work for my sister.
Sort of.
I gotta go.
Yes, good luck.
Thanks for letting me sleep here.
Sure.
Anytime...
Yeah, that's looking good.
Is it?
Hell yeah.
Black hair ain't easy to deal
with you know.
Had a white stepfather had to deal
with my sister's Afro coiffures.
She looked like a dog
when he finished with 'em.
White people just don't know
how difficult black hair's to deal with.
What's up dude not much?
You know Kevin.
That's two separate things.
"What's up dude" is the question.
"Not much" is the answer
to that question.
Listen dudes, I need someone
to help me with that Scona delivery.
For that guy with the fag friend.
I'm sorry, homosexual.
Where's Plume?
Well he called in sick dude.
He's like ate some bad chicken.
Parts and he's like
honking his guts out.
Well get on Kumalo.
Not today dude. Religion.
- I'll do it.
- Sweet.
- I'll call in a temp.
- No, I don't mind.
Route 212, 93.
Right here.
Sweet.
Happy!
What?
The door!
Got it.
Yeah?
Sandman mattress.
It's the delivery.
Thanks.
Put some clothes on for God's sake.
Hello?
We're delivering the mattress.
I'm lying on the kitchen floor.
Now that we both know
what we're doing, what's next?
Where can we set this up?
How about the bedroom area?
Where is that, sir?
The delivery guy got sick.
Come on, I'll show you.
What's up dude not much?
- Kevin!
- Coming.
So just,
right there.
Happy?
Happy?
What? I'm coming.
I'm going to the back doctor today.
I need you to drive me.
No way.
I'll give you $1000.
Dad, I can't.
Get that kid to do it.
Who? Brian?
We can't just ask him
to do stuffs like that, that's weird.
I've kinda a weird question for you.
What is it?
Will you drive my dad
to the back specialist?
I can't drive in New York City.
A cab?
He doesn't ride in cabs.
He'll pay you
and I will come with you
so it won't get too weird.
I really appreciate you doing this,
taking time off from work and all.
Well.
Where the hell is she?
I'm totally serious when I say she may
have gotten lost leaving the apartment.
Somebody got all glossied up.
Good.
You play tennis?
I've played, not much.
I have the 9th fastest serve
in the world.
They clocked it.
Verified.
- The doctor will meet you in Room 1.
- Fabulous.
- Will be about an hour.
- Come on in now.
Thanks.
Structurally,
there are no abnormalities.
Has to do with musculature
and ligaments.
This has to be the last time
we talk about this.
What about ruptured discs?
That is bullshit.
All that shit is fucking bullshit.
Back disorders, duodenal ulcers,
the most misdiagnosed conditions
attributed to middle-aged men today.
I'm not going down that road.
Stress, Al.
Tension.
Weariness,
that's what causes most of this shit.
Let me show you something.
A little pressure.
- Look at that energy pattern.
- You look at it.
I'll go along with it
but I'm not fucking stressed.
What are you reading?
It's an article about a Tibetan
who plays basketball
with some other Monks in Arizona.
Says they got in a fight with five
advertising executives in front
of a bunch of kids.
What do you reading?
Mostly just ads.
This one's for...
a meditation cushion.
That's filled with buckwheat.
And it costs $249.
It's a cushion?
It's mostly just a pillow that...
looks like a stump.
Seems like a lot.
Do you have any interest
in having sex with me?
Yeah.
Really?
Now?
I need to schedule
another appointment.
- How was your visit, Mr. Lolly?
- A waste of money.
How about Thursday the 23rd?
The 24th?
9:30?
2:30?
Smells like a wharf nut in here.
What?
Smells like low tide.
- That's weird.
- I don't smell anything.
How was the doctor, dad?
Good enough quack.
Charged a fortune
but I've got his number.
Did you know I had brain cancer once?
Huge tumour on the recesses
in my temporal lobe.
But you're OK now.
100% holistic.
No chemo, no radiation.
What did you do?
I mapped the pathology of the cancer
with my mind.
Very Chinese.
Then I moved it.
Again with meditation.
I pushed it down to the fatty tissue
of my temporal lobe...
2 months.
Then I moved it down
to my nasal cavity stream. 3 months.
Then one day I just hocked it out.
About the size of a squash ball,
maybe bigger.
Do you play squash, Brian?
I've played some squash.
I was the no 2 at Yale.
Behind some Paki named Nasser.
Dad.
Pakistani.
The guy was a wire.
- It's Missy.
- Right, gerbil cock, right?
She wants you.
Stop it.
What's up in the rat world?
Depression,
sleep deprivation, test, the usual.
What the fuck is that?
This, is a sports drink.
I'm hungover.
- How you doin' man?
- Well...
I got a problem.
What's going on?
I had sex with this girl
in the back of her father' station wagon
the other day.
Is it a sting
when you pee kinda problem?
Expound.
Now what?
Well now there are 2 possible reactions
to this scenario.
You either wanna bang it home again
or you never see her
for the rest of your life.
Which is it?
Bang it home?
Why are you saying it
like it's a question?
Bang it home.
There you go.
Damn straight bang it home.
Good job.
Who is this girl?
She came into the store the other day,
and her dad bought a bed.
God bless capitalism.
So when's the next bang-bang
gonna happen?
I don't know.
You like her?
- You like her like her?
- I don't know.
You think it's possible that the rat
that stopped swimming was just tired
and taking a little break?
Unlikely.
These calculations are based
on months of testing, so...
The rat that stopped swimming again and
again is probably more than just tired.
How's the mattress business?
I should get there.
Hey you...
should ask Missy out.
Can't.
Scared.
Good luck.
You too.
You gotta swim
if you wanna bang it home.
That's reality.
Remember that.
I will.
- What's our first meal?
- Nothing.
Come on.
I'm starving.
- It's better on an empty stomach.
- It's true.
Crock. It's not.
I'm hungry, I'm gonna grab something
to eat. Brian you want something?
No, I'm alright.
Excuse me, shaman.
Dad, you need some help?
Nope, I've got it.
When are the shrooms ready?
Oh no...
best to let it steep a while.
Talked to a local, he said there were
a lot, ahead of the woods and...
black trumpets south side of Temper
lower elevations than last year.
You bringing that?
Might be some pheasant.
A pheasant with a death wish?
That's tradition.
He brings a gun.
He doesn't use the gun.
He throws up.
Thanks dad.
Sometimes...
it takes mushrooms...
to find mushrooms.
Prepare your pouches
for the poisoning.
My hand is starting to look a bit
like an eagle's claw.
So I think it's time
to pack our stuffs.
Any news from China?
Not really.
Same stuff, I'm on the list...
A couple of years...
could be earlier.
Listen, my friend Jin Ho,
very powerful businessman,
right here in the States.
He owns an airline company,
tobacco interests...
some crap like that.
He might be able to help you.
Well, I think he's Korean, dad
if that's what you mean.
Yes, yes...
He's a marvelous Korean!!
Of no help to you.
I hope it happens.
Be nice to have some
new life in this family.
Hope you get the kid.
I think you'd be great at it.
- You think so?
- I do, I do...
You got what it takes.
What does it take?
I haven't the foggiest idea,
to be truthful...
but...
listen...
Here we are, walking together
in the woods.
And if you can aspire...
to... be walking in the woods
with your kids.
After they've made it as far
as we've made it...
then...
I think you've done the right thing.
That makes sense.
It makes sense.
Not really.
But...
I think you understand me...
I do.
- Dad!
- What the fuck?!
Dad...
Where the fuck did it come from?
Are you alright?
Yeah yeah, I'm the war generation.
When we hear shots we get down. You guys
are running around like targets.
- You sure you're okay?
- Yeah yeah I'm fine.
Looks like a tiny calibre bullet.
Looks like a 22.
Some hunter probably shot one
across our bow.
- Yeah, what's he hunting? Squirrel?
- He has a point.
There shouldn't be anyone
hunting right now.
There's 2 ways we can go here
we can hunt the fucker down... sorry...
Or we can make our way back.
Oysters.
Check them golden oysters!
Look at those beauties.
- What we gonna do about the long gun?
- Nothing, nothing.
We got our mushrooms,
go back to our cabins and call it a day.
Then later, I'll take our bounty
after hours, head back into town
and have them cook us a proper meal.
Bonjour mes amis.
You need any help?
Brian, Tu viens me Donner
un coup de main.
I'd love to help.
What's he saying?
I'm gonna help Jacques
with the dinner and he
thinks dad's a murderer in the kitchen.
What, everybody speaks French but me?
Jacques, can we speak in English?
Evidemment,
I get carried away sometimes.
Whatever that boy wants,
he'll figure it out at some point.
And you've got 15 years
on both of ya.
You forget what you were like
when you were his age?
I was finishing my residency
when I was his age.
Yeah, I was in Russia
buying oil tankers.
You look good.
Very strong.
Stronger than I've ever seen you.
And I've seen you
since you were a little...
"pizza".
You mean piss-ant?
Oui c'est ça, c'est ça.
- Thanks.
- You're welcome.
Well, that's for you Jacques, thanks for
the hospitality and for the Frenchness.
Thank you for the champignon
and for being an absurd American.
So, how will you get home?
- Brian.
- I've got it.
- Are you okay to drive?
- He doesn't drink.
No. I just don't drink 3 bottles
of wine on my own.
Jacques, you fabulous Frenchman!
Thank you for suffering us.
Been my pleasure.
And don't forget to come back soon.
Merci monsieur,
I don't kiss like that.
- You crazy Americans.
- No kidding.
That means wait.
Thanks dad.
You put them in the pot,
you boil them and you make a bisque.
Watch your step.
Lobsters, lobsters, lobsters...
Motherfucker!
Jailbreak?
Is this a rueful act or a mistake?
Are you trying to free these things?
No!
I got a leg cramp.
I see.
What are you doing here?
- Does it matter.
- Why?
I'm with my Japanese guys
doing business. Does my breath stink?
- Yes.
- Damn.
Listen...
I was talking
to the big guy, Kanagae...
and he's got a brother
who plays canasta
with some Chinese diplomats.
Would that interest you?
What are you talking about?
Come over here.
- My ass is in love with this bed.
- This is the nicest one of the bunch.
Good.
Anyway...
so I talked to this guy Kanagae,
and he claims...
You know these people?
- Yeah, they're customers.
- They're good?
They're cool.
He thinks he can get a Chinese baby on
the black market for like 45000 $.
- What?
- Chinese. Like you want.
He's got these kind of connections.
He's an oil man.
- Really?
- So what do you think?
- The black market?
- Yeah.
It sounds kinda shady.
Does it?
Or does it sound awesome?!
Right.
It sounds like a bad idea.
OK.
You know, it's...
My little contribution, but...
Parallel paths...
we pursue...
That way that's not working right now
and I'll keep on going after my thing.
We'll see who wins.
You mind if I crash here
for a little bit?
Knock yourself out.
Gotta love this fucking bed.
You got laid recently didn't you?
And don't fucking lie to me either.
I'm here to see Harriet Lolly?
- Happy?
- Yes.
Have a seat on the couch,
make yourself comfortable.
There's coffee, Red Bull
and Cheezos around the corner.
- Just over there.
- Thank you.
Uh, Happy, you have a visitor.
What's his name...
- Dude... sir, what's your name?
- Brian Weathersby.
Brian, you heard it.
OK.
- She'll be right out.
- Thank you.
You're welcome.
- What are you doing here?
- You said to stop by.
Nobody honors that system.
So old-fashioned.
- Well, that's how I roll.
- That's great.
- Are you really busy? I can come back...
- No... I'm not...
I barely have a job,
so do you wanna see this?
- Sure.
- It's really fascinating.
We have to lay low because my sister's
on a warpath and she's a sniper...
Oh, I'm sorry...
Hello.
Why don't we do it like always?
- Hey Hap.
- Hi Conner.
- This is my friend Brian.
- Hey dude.
You look like her old boyfriend,
doesn't he?
Totally.
How do you guys know each other?
Brian sold my father a mattress.
You work in the mattress store?
You get me a good deal?
Probably not.
Your shoulder's a little tight.
Yo Kim...
Fuck!
I gotta jack.
- Here's my sister.
- Hi.
- I'm Melanie Lolly.
- Hi, Brian Weathersby.
I look like a mannequin
in this thing.
No, absolutely not.
- Melanie sort of hosts the show.
- Congratulations.
Please go to the monitor and check
and see If I look like
a massive wall of Grey.
- I do?
- No, you don't...
yes, I'll look at the monitor.
Thank you.
What is that?
Press the button.
We sold like,
800,000 of those things last year.
That's a...
combination rape whistle, pepper spray
mini brass knuckle key chain.
You laughed
when I used one of those once.
She peppered a drunk guy
in the valet line "he was really old".
He was an old perv.
- So do I look huge?
- No, shut up.
- You shut up.
- You shut up.
I'm not saying that doesn't make sense,
I don't know what "smackdown" is.
Well, this has been interesting.
So, do you want to do
something later?
Sure.
I'm having dinner with my dad
if you wanna come?
Please?
Do I have to get dressed up?
Kinda.
I should check with work, though.
Are you open at night?
Right... what?
It's called the Bobcat...
It's on 62nd Street,
7:30,
it's kinda Frenchy.
You've got...
2 hours and 45 minutes to get ready.
Sorry, I got a little lost.
City's laid out in a perfect grid, I can
see how that can happen, 62nd street...
Hi, I'm Brian.
Ducky.
Brian, this is Ducky Settinstall.
Ducky, meet Brian.
He's started sleeping
with my daughter.
- Albert.
- Dad.
Am I incorrect?
Please tell me if I'm being incorrect.
Bobby...
another bottle of Merlot please.
Brian, am I correct?
Well, no.
It's just been
the one time in your car,
so if we do it again...
then I think you could call it
sleeping together.
Fantastic.
And how's the adoption going?
Brian's in the middle of adopting
a kid from China.
- So you would like...
- I don't get it.
You've got fertile soil
right next to you here.
Are you not planning on sticking around,
or is it an ammunition issue?
- Dad?
- Harriet.
Why do you think you and Ducky
don't make a formal commitment?
Is it because she works for you? You
think it might be a conflict of interest
So you have a hotel relationship?
I think I'll have the lamb...
and a free salt salad...
I think I'll have the clams.
So... seriously, I'm just interested.
Suppose this Chinese baby plan works
and you get the kid,
what's the long term finance structure?
Who's the mother?
Who provides the feminine support?
What happens when the kid
gets her period?
I'm asking the tough questions.
Go!
The long term finance structure?
I assume you make peanuts
at the mattress factory.
How do you support a kid
on a meager salary?
I guess we'll just eat less food.
They don't eat a lot in China anyway,
and they're much healthier so...
It'll be some cost-cutting measures
like that, less food,
no heat, et cetera...
You won't be laughing
when the tuition bills come in,
and she wants a horsie
or he wants a Countach.
What's a Countach?
It's a Lamborghini.
A car.
It sounds totally preposterous
somebody your age adopting a baby.
No wife, no nothing.
But I admire it.
I admire the hell out of it.
How old are you going to be?
I'm going to be 29.
Christ to a cracker!
- You speak Chinese?
- I'm learning.
I speak a little Mandarin,
pretty fluent Thai
but that's the extent
of my Asian language.
How much do you make in the job?
It's a commission-based thing so,
the more I sell the more I make.
Believe it or not,
I understand how commission works.
Now pipe down.
Talk numbers. How much?
I generally sell 5 beds a month,
and I get 5%
of the pre-tax sales.
You make $700 every month?
That could work.
You like Harriet?
She's had a tough go-over.
You mess her up, I'll kill your parents.
Your parents still alive?
- Yes.
- Good.
Let's go girls. Come on up...
Say goodnight.
Goodnight Brian.
Freaking car...
I think I'm gonna walk with Brian.
Not this late at night you're not.
Get in the car.
It's only 9:30.
Suit yourself.
Take the avenues, no sidestreets.
Here here, take this.
- What's this?
- It's a switchblade.
Don't lose it, I got it in Corsica.
- Bye daddy.
- Goodnight darling.
What's up?
I was in the neighborhood.
This is Harriet...
How are you?
Larry.
- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
What are you up to?
Me, I'm just having some dinner,
drinking some vodka.
You want some?
Is that purple vodka?
Put a little extra shit in there.
I'll have some.
Sure, I guess.
Alright.
Let's do this.
You want a little bit of ethanol?
There you go.
One for you.
One for you.
One for me.
Can...
we go down to the pool?
Sure.
Absolutely.
You wanna use the...
wee lil'key here.
Thanks.
No problem.
Have a great time.
Bye Larry.
Nice to meet ya.
Just stay here then.
So... what are we doing here?
We swim.
In the nude, I presume?
Well, pretty much.
Let's go up here.
Effectively combines
three of my great fears.
The dark,
heights,
public nudity.
What if I'm scared?
You're not.
Yes I am...
How do you know?
Well, I did it.
Good for you.
Am I a virgin...
being thrown into the snakepit?
To honor the Kraken?
I think we both know
that's not the case.
Can we have sex over there?
Do you want me to go ask
the security guard?
Sweden has a quarter of the available
light we have here in the US.
And?
And what does less light mean?
Shorter days.
Yes, but more importantly
longer nights.
These motherfuckers
know how to get themselves some sleep.
Me, I sleep like the dead anyway
but I cannot touch the Swedes.
They outsleep everybody, but...
They are some depressed,
suicidal niggers...
I'll tell you that.
Where is that, Iceland?
Anyway, be that as it may...
They...
Can you hold on one second?
Brian?
Kenyatta called.
This is Kenyatta.
Hey, Kennyata, it's Brian Weathersby.
Hey Brian.
What's up man?
You called me.
No... you called me.
I'm calling you back.
You're right!
They approved you.
You're on the list.
So, listen man...
This is how it breaks down.
You are going to go to Hong Kong
in a few months,
and, we have
an international sister agency,
they gonna handle it from there,
hook you up,
I just wanna say,
congratu-fuckin-lations man, you did it.
- Thanks.
- So... I'll be in touch...
I'll probably have you come in
and take care of some financial stuffs,
but congratulations!
- Thank you.
- You got it baby.
Laters.
Bye.
As I suspected gents
he didn't go for the black market idea.
No go. I'll call it off.
I appreciate the effort though.
I owe you all for the due diligence.
This round's on me.
Weathersby,
how come you've never had a wife?
Never a family.
Just why,
if you don't mind us asking.
- You guys are happily married, right?
- Yes.
Look where it got you,
getting hand-pumped on a Tuesday night.
Why have you never done it, John?
It's OK to not be married.
Yes, it is.
I was close once.
Hawaiian broad.
What happened?
We split, she married a college
professor who brewed his own beer.
What does it feel to study?
Asian studies.
Looks like
it turned out well for everybody.
Here I am with you
fish-face perverts.
Fuck you, round-eyed drouchebag.
Douchebag, Nagata.
Douchebag.
Goddamn, if you don't try
to squeeze an "R" in every word.
Asshole.
You may work the balls a little bit,
we're gonna be here all night.
You want some goat stew?
You made that?
Hell, no.
West Indian girl I know
made it for me.
It's damn good too.
Real dark-skinned girl,
ass like a beach ball.
That's your girl?
Body's tighted.
No disrespect.
You're Roger.
Good guess.
It's nice to meet you Happy.
You fine-looking thing you.
You want some goat stew?
Sure.
Be right back.
So what's the big news?
Shall we get a cup of coffee
or somethin'?
I don't know. Depends on how serious
this little meeting we're having is.
Not serious.
Here you go.
One piping hot goat stew.
Smells good.
I'll leave you two lovebirds alone.
- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
Or we can do it here.
You're making me nervous.
No, don't be.
It's nothing really.
How's your soup?
A little...
ligamenty.
- You don't have to eat it if you...
- No, it's good.
So what is it?
I got the baby.
The baby, the baby?
I made the list.
I'm going to China,
to get it and...
bring it back here.
That's so great.
I know.
I know, it's crazy.
On the one hand,
I've been waiting...
- I'm sick.
- For a long time...
I really wanna hear this,
can you just
hold this for one sec cause I just...
Is there a bathroom
I could use really quickly?
Sure.
It's right over there.
This is really great Brian.
I'm really excited for you.
I'm so sorry I just run over
there are all these things I have to do.
Like what?
Like, just stuffs for the show
and some other things.
I could come with you,
this place is dead.
Cause I just remembered
I have a doctor's appointment.
It's for my...
Gynaecologist?
You just remembered
you had a gynaecologist to see.
So, I have to go.
But I'll call you later and...
Congratulations!
I'm super-psyched for you.
My family's having a dinner
to celebrate tomorrow night.
Can you come?
Sure.
You could bring your dad if you want.
Great.
Great.
Great.
Great job.
Mom?
Who's this?
It's Harriet.
Harriet?
How are you dear?
I'm okay.
Oh God, good to hear your voice.
Thanks.
What are you up to?
You gotta get out here and see me.
It's been too long, dear.
Where are you, exactly?
This is the new place.
The New Mexico house.
I thought it says Naples, Florida, 809?
The... the Florida house.
When did you move out there?
After cab.
We come here for the polo season end.
Paul's car show.
Is Paul the new...
boyfriend?
He is.
Great. What does he do?
Nothing.
He likes cars and he owns a few ponies.
- What are you up to?
- I'm relaxing,
I'm just here with some
of my lady friends and we're just...
And we're just doing what we do.
Why don't you come here and...
I'll pay for everything.
Maybe.
It's...
It's tough.
I actually just called
to ask you something.
I don't know
what you could possibly ask me.
Just sort of a general question, mom.
I still get these alumni newsletters
from Graaten.
Do you want me to hold on to them?
I could put them in an envelope
for you or somethin'?
- No, it's okay.
- All right.
Anyways,
can I just ask you this thing?
Alright, if you feel like you must.
I'm seeing this guy
and he's about to...
Anyways I was with him and I...
I got really nervous and I...
went to the bathroom
and I threw up everywhere.
You're ill?
I'm not... I'm not ill.
I just went to the bathroom
and I threw up everywhere.
I just wondered if...
you had ever done anything like that.
Honey, you probably
got a microbial virus or some...
type of toxic food poisoning.
Did you eat from a deli?
No mom, I didn't eat from a deli.
Sweetheart. Hang up.
Don't give the phone company
all of our money.
You plan a trip.
Come up and see me.
And I'll make you soup.
And I'll...
put you in bed and read you a book.
And you need to get healthy.
Down.
Come down and see you.
Of course.
Will you say hello to your father
for me?
And tell him I need to talk to him?
Alright, beautiful.
Bye.
I haven't been in an office
in 20 years.
- This is different?
- Where are the offices?
These are them.
These pens?
These aren't offices.
Where do you hang your topcoat?
Because your diploma
is your artwork?
So sorry to keep you guys waiting.
I'm Kenyatta.
- Kirby Weathersby.
- Nice to meet you.
Your son has been very
diligent about this
and he's a rare case.
He's been talkin' bout it
his whole life.
Is that right?
For his 8th birthday,
I got him a bike.
Chrome mongoose.
He ran to his room crying,
said he wanted a baby,
a Chinese baby for that matter.
Let's get down to some specifics.
Can I get either of you
somethin' to drink?
I'll take a bourbon.
Dad. They don't do that.
Great. Nothing for me, thanks.
So...
Thanks for coming in.
Obviously you'll be
the baby's primary sponsor, Brian.
And M. Weathersby...
Kirby, please.
Your wife and two boys,
John and James, will be the baby's
secondary guardians, is that right?
OK, great. Just sign here
and here, and initial here.
- Thanks.
- Thank you.
Looks like you'll be headed
over to Hong Kong, 2 months.
You'll spend 2 weeks there.
And then you'll be returning here
to New York with the baby.
This is terrific.
Brian, let's go celebrate.
Kenny, would you care to join us?
I would love to.
But I've got work to do here.
Here's what you do.
Tell your girl to hold all your calls
and pop out for a quick one with us.
Well, I don't have a girl, Kirby.
Who makes your appointments?
Who takes your drycleaning in?
I do.
Mercy, Lord, that's tragic.
Harriet.
Hey dad, this is Octavio,
he was just getting going.
Not on my account at all?
No, no, I've kept him long enough.
Take care Octavio.
Don't.
- So...
- So.
I'm going to cooking school.
In France.
Alright.
I just signed up online.
Why not take on another career?
Blazed through 5 in 5 years.
- Dad.
- You're on pace for some kinda record.
I'm sorry, but chef school...
I've never seen you do anything
but pour cereal.
I really need your support right now.
I'll give you whatever you need.
Thank you.
Sure this isn't
coming from somewhere else?
Like what?
Like... like your friend.
What about him?
Did he hurt you?
He told me he loved me.
He did?
Yes... sort of.
And I sort of love him.
But now, I'm gonna...
commit myself fully to this?
It's a swift change.
But whatever you need,
I'll support you.
Some of the most important decisions
we make in life
are done in a matter of minutes,
even seconds.
It's your life.
Do as you will.
He's asleep?
Knocked out cold.
Should we get out of here?
You think she might show up
for dessert?
We already ate it.
That'd be the plates of cake?
I'm sure she got tied up
with something important.
Just make sure she's alright.
Call her.
Drop by her place.
Get him home.
I'm gonna figure this thing out.
Congratulations big guy.
I'm so happy for you, Brian.
Thanks mom.
- Go get her sport.
- Bye.
That's gonna end poorly?
Jonathan?
It's just the way I see it.
Women, present company excluded,
are liars, thieves, and a categorical
waste of time and resources.
- You're a fool.
- I've been called worse.
Roland, la cuenta.
- How about dessert?
- Let's go.
- Let's go.
- I'll get the coats.
Good bye. You're crazy.
How are you doing?
I'm a little cramped.
I'm sorry about dinner.
What happened?
I was at work and...
we couldn't get any cell service
when we were taping
but then Melanie was kinda like
in my ear the whole day
and I left my phone
in my purse and...
It was...
just kind of...
Is that a lie?
Kind of.
Do you wanna come upstairs?
How was your dinner?
I'm sorry.
This is definitely my fault.
I just have so much I wanna tell you.
First, I wanna tell you that...
I care for you.
I really do.
Never met anyone like you.
I'm just so fucked up.
I don't have a real job
and never had a boyfriend.
Never really been in love.
It's just a lot.
It's too much.
You are about to have a fucking kid.
I know.
I understand.
It's disappointing.
But...
I guess I had to know one way
or the other.
I feel like shit.
I am shit.
I'm gonna go to chef school.
Next week, in France.
What?
- I didn't know...
- Neither did I but...
I speak French so... I guess...
- It's gonna be a fresh start...
- Can I have a little more vodka?
I think our work here is done.
- No Brian, don't go like that.
- Sorry...
- Please be mad at me...
- I've got much to worry about.
- I'm gonna go.
- Just stay a little while?
Sorry, that would be
a little fucking easy.
You're really enjoying your
self-righteousness now?
I've an international power converter
thing in my apartment if you need it.
I got it in France when I was 18.
You don't understand.
There's...
something going on for a long time.
Hello...
- Hello?
- We're on our way.
When I get to the house,
I press the button with your name on it?
What I don't understand is, how is
the button big enough to hold your name?
Name is next to the button, dad.
- And the porter will clear it?
- There's no doorman, dad.
No porter? What do you mean?
You mean no one?
No.
Who does your shoes?
Who take care of deliveries?
Dad, just ring the buzzer
and I'll buzz you up.
You'll figure it out
when you get here?
Alright, see you there. Bye...
How do you shut this off?
- Right there.
- Hit the green, no, hit the red.
Thanks for the cellphone.
He's living in squalor.
I thought you'd already gone.
My plane is supposed
to leave tomorrow, but...
I thought I'd come by
and get the power converter.
What happened to your face?
- A pickup game.
- A pickup game?
Some frat boys.
Are you having a party?
My folks are coming by
and my brothers are coming too.
Is there someone here?
Maybe I should leave.
This is the little one.
I thought you had to go to China.
The agency called and...
this couple in Long Island
flipped out and got cold feet.
She's yours?
Went out there last week, and...
we're celebrating one week
together today.
This is May.
Did you pick that?
No, but I like it.
Me too.
She's beautiful.
I think so too.
Let me get that thing.
- The door?
- Can you just buzz that?
Stay there.
Think this is it.
Should work in all of Europe.
Brian, I wanted to talk to you
a little bit more.
- My entire family is about to arrive.
- I know, I just wanted to apologize
For acting out and I'm sorry for being
so weird and I wanted to tell you...
Alright, let's have a little look
at the little Samurai.
- Samurai's Japanese, dad.
- Akibonos, little panda, where's she?
Oh my God!
She is the most darling thing
I've ever seen. Can I hold her?
Thank you. Barbara, we gotta apply
and get one of these.
You did it!
So damn proud of ya!
- This is not just champagne.
- Hey, everyone...
This is Happy.
I thought you were going off
to become a chef.
Yeah, well, I...
I signed up for a cooking school
on the internet...
It doesn't exist
because it dissolved in 2004
and they didn't update the website...
- I see...
- But I'm gonna study here in the city.
Marvelous! That's fantastic,
because we need someone in this family
who can cook.
Because frankly, Barbara don't get
your nose outta the joint,
collectively we can't make
buttered toast.
John Weathersby.
- Nice to meet you.
- Get outta here.
A toast, Brian?
Why don't you do it Grandpa?
You're good at it.
Good... I'll take that bait.
- I'm James.
- Hi, I'm Happy.
Since brevity is the soul of wit
and tediousness its limbs
and outward flourishes.
Therefore, I shall be brief.
- Twait.
- That's William Shakespeare, boy.
May...
a new child, a new life,
a new family...
Welcome, little May...
and love... love love love.
You're in good kind hands.
And here's to many many
happy birthdays to come
and I'll be at every one of them!
Salud!
Salud!
- Have you got any beer in the fridge?
- No.
Would you like to come and... to a deli
and see if we can pick up some beer?
There's a deli...
two blocks
that way, it's in here...
the elevator.
I don't drink beer.
It's okay dear.
I'm sorry.
Don't be sorry.
I really wanted
to come to the dinner.
It's okay.
I called my mother the other day.
She...
She didn't know who I was at first.
She doesn't call me on my birthday.
I'm sorry.
When is your birthday?
June 9th.
I was half a geezer,
when I had that boy.
He's been sweet his whole life.
But he never had the family
the other kids did.
Everyone thought that we were
his grandparents.
He told his teacher once that...
His real parents had died in a car crash
and his grandparents took him on.
He did?
He was confused I guess.
I don't blame him.
It wasn't disloyal, he was...
he was just trying to
make everything seem normal,
I suppose.
But nothing's normal.
You guys seem pretty normal.
We're not.
You have a right
to be worried and afraid.
I'm just afraid that I fucked
everything up beyond repair.
Nothing's fucked up.
Nothing's beyond repair.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Shall we go back?
This could use a wall light
or some kinda industrial screw.
The pipe looks strong enough, the rope
looks strong enough, leave that.
Welcome back girls.
Have a seat.
Now, Happy...
For your benefit,
I want you to know that...
For the kids when they were born
I would make...
a pinata of a famous dictator,
fill it with bitter honey.
John, had Stalin.
James had Mussolini.
And Brian...
had Pol Pot.
You see the progression?
And this is...
Colonel Muammar Al-Gaddafi.
Let's whack him.
Since May
can't exercise her own honor,
I'm sure she would want you to be
the proxy whacker.
- Blindfold her please.
- Yes sir.
You won't be able to break it with the
first burst. You're only going to...
put a start on it because of its
superior workmanship.
Over here.
Attagirl. Straight.
Here here, gimme that baby.
Come on...
Brian, there's a deuce loose
in the caboose
and I'm not well-versed
in that detail.
Champagne,
cocktails,
drinks...
Come on everyone. We must drink up,
today is one big fucking day...
Which one?
Seven.
Start the stopwatch.
- Is he okay?
- Yes, fine.
Stop.
What does that mean?
Nothing...
There...
The logic is, when forced
into an aversive situation
i.e. being dumped into a pool...
the rat will oscillate between attempts
to escape and resigning to its fate.
- And this guy gave up?
- Today he did.
Does he usually?
Yeah.
I'm trying to quantify
how helpless this one feels
and why more today than yesterday.
But it seems Mr. 7 is always
a little bit of a quitter.
- Could you sign this for me, Larry?
- Sure.
- Thank you.
- This is my friend Brian Weathersby
Hi Brian, nice to meet you.
- Do you work here?
- No.
We went to college together.
Really?
- He looks so much older than you.
- Thanks so much.
This is a PhD candidate
in neurobiology.
She's studying aggression
and sexual behaviour
- in Mongolian gerbils.
- I just play with gerbil dick all day.
Really?
No...
just... their brains.
- I'm sorry, that was really weird.
- Little bit.
I'm gonna go.
It was nice to meet you.
I'm sorry again.
If she had any idea how many times a day
I masturbated thinking about her.
She'd probably sue the university.
- She'd be right, it's inappropriate.
- Yeah.
So...
why do some swim and others not?
It's hard to say... I mean nobody knows
to what degree the rat feels helpless.
What we do know is that the drugs
we administer to make the rats
wanna swim more are the same drugs
that make people,
- feel less depressed.
- Antidepressants?
Antidepressants.
Do you know women are 20 times
more likely to be depressed than men?
Maybe more.
Can't remember the exact number.
It's a lot more.
That's good...
for men.
Not really... when you think
about it heterosexually.
Right.
Enough, enough...
stop, stop, stop!
Shit, what happened to you?
Pickup game, caught an elbow.
Black dude? White dude?
Definitely white.
Hey Kevin, lunch.
Hey look, got some mini burgers
a whole bunch if you want some.
- Wassup dude not much.
- Hey Kevin
- Want some?
- No, I'm good.
How did you make out
with the Wall Street guy?
I think I sold him 5 beds.
5 beds?
Why does he need 5 beds for?
He's got 5 bedrooms.
Smart.
Came in looking for some beds
for his new mansion.
I asked him
how his bonus season went.
Yeah, and...?
He cackled, squealed like a pig.
Fucking guy's 28.
What's bonus season?
Every year banks give out bonuses,
big bonuses a couple of mil.
I'm in the wrong industry.
I got him up on that Scona, made him
take off his shoes, got him a cup of tea.
He laid there
for a couple of minutes.
I asked him some questions
about his job,
reported bout his success
and bang... 5 beds.
You could sell salt to a slug...
if you listen to the slug.
This place depresses me.
Don't like the idea.
Stores?
- Let me get you somebody to talk to.
- Christ.
They'll help,
they know what they're talkin' about.
I don't have all day for speeches
I want a bed.
Hold on.
- Hi, can I help you?
- Yes, my boss is looking for a bed.
- Okay...
- And he doesn't have a ton of time.
This bed feels like it's full
of cookie dough.
That's a horsehair-covered bed.
It's a shit-covered bed
that's what it is.
What's this?
That's the Lady Englander Americanus
Series 400.
A salesman with a shiner.
I'm gonna believe him.
- Better feels like a plank though.
- Here's some literature.
I didn't just fall
off the turnip truck, son.
Tell you what,
if you have any specific questions,
I'm happy to help,
I'll be right over here.
No, you're on this ride with me
and the poofter here.
I came here to buy a bed
and I don't have time to chase you down
your little video-game station.
And what you kids do all day. Playing
those Tetris games pretending to work.
What's this?
A sarcophagus?
That's the Scona Sangar 770 series
3000 coil count.
Best bed on the market.
- Swedish.
- That was a joke.
Good one. Try it out, Gary.
C'mon, not gonna touch you.
Don't have to be shy in front of me,
I know how you spend your weekends.
Bunch of homos on Fire Island piling
on top of each other. It's disgusting.
It's nice.
Bet you wish you had a some of these out
there. Get all your buddies together.
Have a disgusting orgy.
I bet you wish you could come.
Alright, get up.
- What's the story on this thing?
- It's the last bed you'll ever buy.
- Only bed I ever bought, how much?
- $14,000.
American? It's a lot of money
for a goddamn bed.
Alright,
I'll send my girl by this afternoon
take a look, work out the financing.
14 grand is the price you quoted me
not a penny more
so don't try to Jew the price up on me.
You're not Jewish, are you?
- No, I'm not.
- Good.
It's just a figure of speech,
I'm half Jew myself
I work with Jews, they Jew me
all day long so I can say it.
- There's shipping and handling
- No. 14 grand, work it out Chester.
Let's go Gary,
this place depresses me.
You going where and for what now?
And when you leaving?
- Vancouver, right?
- Vermont. That was close.
My father's 80th birthday.
80th? Damn.
Your brother's going?
Hi.
- Can I help you?
- Yeah.
My dad... he came in here earlier
and talked to someone about a bed.
He came in here with another guy.
- Big guy?
- No, gay.
I meant your dad?
Oh yeah,
kind of sort of uh loud mouth.
Yeah, the Scona bed you wanna see?
Yeah...
This way.
That's a great bed.
Made in Sweden.
May I sit on it?
Sure.
This is a nice bed!
- How much is it?
- $14,000.
Holy shit!
Is this the one he wants?
Fuck it, money gotta spin man.
Thank you.
Can I lie here for awhile?
Sure.
Thanks.
Can you see up my skirt?
Not really.
Great.
What happened to your eye?
I was attacked by a homeless man.
I'm gonna get you a receipt,
there's...
a warranty package built
into the price,
it's a pretty standard
25 year non-prorated deal.
And... for delivery...
I guess I'll waive the fee
because I told your dad or...
or really he told me.
Family Initiative.
Kenyatta Folds, please.
I'm sorry, can you repeat the name?
Can you please connect me to
Kenyatta Folds this is Brian Weathersby.
- This is Kenyatta
- Hey Kenyatta, it's Brian.
Oh hey, wassup man?
What's the name
of those beds you make?
We don't make them
but they're called Scona beds.
I looked them up,
that shit's expensive.
Yes, but truly excellent
sleeping devices.
Better be for that kinda money.
Wassup big boy?
Nothing, it's Friday,
so I thought I'd call.
I got no news man,
they met on Wednesday but...
nothing's changed.
What about the application and
references did that make it any further?
No.
OK, I'm still interested
in the main adoption list
but can you keep me on the email list
and for alternative list as well?
- All 3 lists?
- You know it, man.
Thanks.
Be safe.
- Will do, bye.
- Bye.
Who is that girl?
That guy, the big guy
who came in earlier.
His daughter.
He buy that bed?
You see that's what I'm talking about.
That's what I'm talking about.
- So what's up with them Chinese people.
- Still no word.
I'll see you tomorrow.
Tell your papa I said Happy 80th.
I will.
How old was he when he had you?
52.
Damn.
Still shooting bullets at 52.
- I'm out.
- OK.
I fell asleep on your bed.
How long was I asleep?
2 and a half hours.
You must've been tired.
I've got your receipt here
and all the paperwork for the bed,
you just need to tell me
when to deliver it.
Wait a minute...
I had this fucked up dream...
I was in a cave and my hair
was made out of marijuana and then...
my swim coach
was...
And then...
we went to...
are you adopting a dog?
You were in my dream.
Do you ever incorporate things
into your dreams?
I was out of it.
What were we talking about?
Delivery, when do you want it?
You were on the phone.
You talking bout somethin'.
What were you talking?
In the process of adopting
a baby from China.
- Did you give me this?
- Yes.
- That's amazing.
- It was right there on the bed.
I meant the baby.
I don't have the baby yet.
Yeah, you've to go through
a shit ton of tests and...
interviews
and there are a few categories where
I'm not an ideal candidate.
- Do you mind me asking why?
- Not at all, I'm not married and 28.
- What would they rather have?
- Married and 30.
Are you gonna raise this kid?
That's the idea,
yeah if I ever get one.
So, how long have you wanted
to do that?
Pretty much my whole life.
So it's been a weird obsession.
Sorry I keep asking questions.
No, it's OK, it's a little weird.
So do you actually deliver it?
The bed?
The guys do it.
The delivery guys.
Well,
I guess...
I'll just come in tomorrow and...
see...
what my dad wants.
Yeah sure.
You just have to sign here
and you're good.
I am...
Brian, by the way.
I'm Happy.
Me, my name's Harriet,
but everybody calls me Happy.
It's a nice name.
Which one?
Harriet.
I like it.
Me too.
Near grand'ma.
- Yes, so...
- Shit.
I'll talk to you tomorrow?
I'm late for work.
You going to work now?
Yeah, I'm a hooker.
I thought so.
I work for my sister.
Sort of.
I gotta go.
Yes, good luck.
Thanks for letting me sleep here.
Sure.
Anytime...
Yeah, that's looking good.
Is it?
Hell yeah.
Black hair ain't easy to deal
with you know.
Had a white stepfather had to deal
with my sister's Afro coiffures.
She looked like a dog
when he finished with 'em.
White people just don't know
how difficult black hair's to deal with.
What's up dude not much?
You know Kevin.
That's two separate things.
"What's up dude" is the question.
"Not much" is the answer
to that question.
Listen dudes, I need someone
to help me with that Scona delivery.
For that guy with the fag friend.
I'm sorry, homosexual.
Where's Plume?
Well he called in sick dude.
He's like ate some bad chicken.
Parts and he's like
honking his guts out.
Well get on Kumalo.
Not today dude. Religion.
- I'll do it.
- Sweet.
- I'll call in a temp.
- No, I don't mind.
Route 212, 93.
Right here.
Sweet.
Happy!
What?
The door!
Got it.
Yeah?
Sandman mattress.
It's the delivery.
Thanks.
Put some clothes on for God's sake.
Hello?
We're delivering the mattress.
I'm lying on the kitchen floor.
Now that we both know
what we're doing, what's next?
Where can we set this up?
How about the bedroom area?
Where is that, sir?
The delivery guy got sick.
Come on, I'll show you.
What's up dude not much?
- Kevin!
- Coming.
So just,
right there.
Happy?
Happy?
What? I'm coming.
I'm going to the back doctor today.
I need you to drive me.
No way.
I'll give you $1000.
Dad, I can't.
Get that kid to do it.
Who? Brian?
We can't just ask him
to do stuffs like that, that's weird.
I've kinda a weird question for you.
What is it?
Will you drive my dad
to the back specialist?
I can't drive in New York City.
A cab?
He doesn't ride in cabs.
He'll pay you
and I will come with you
so it won't get too weird.
I really appreciate you doing this,
taking time off from work and all.
Well.
Where the hell is she?
I'm totally serious when I say she may
have gotten lost leaving the apartment.
Somebody got all glossied up.
Good.
You play tennis?
I've played, not much.
I have the 9th fastest serve
in the world.
They clocked it.
Verified.
- The doctor will meet you in Room 1.
- Fabulous.
- Will be about an hour.
- Come on in now.
Thanks.
Structurally,
there are no abnormalities.
Has to do with musculature
and ligaments.
This has to be the last time
we talk about this.
What about ruptured discs?
That is bullshit.
All that shit is fucking bullshit.
Back disorders, duodenal ulcers,
the most misdiagnosed conditions
attributed to middle-aged men today.
I'm not going down that road.
Stress, Al.
Tension.
Weariness,
that's what causes most of this shit.
Let me show you something.
A little pressure.
- Look at that energy pattern.
- You look at it.
I'll go along with it
but I'm not fucking stressed.
What are you reading?
It's an article about a Tibetan
who plays basketball
with some other Monks in Arizona.
Says they got in a fight with five
advertising executives in front
of a bunch of kids.
What do you reading?
Mostly just ads.
This one's for...
a meditation cushion.
That's filled with buckwheat.
And it costs $249.
It's a cushion?
It's mostly just a pillow that...
looks like a stump.
Seems like a lot.
Do you have any interest
in having sex with me?
Yeah.
Really?
Now?
I need to schedule
another appointment.
- How was your visit, Mr. Lolly?
- A waste of money.
How about Thursday the 23rd?
The 24th?
9:30?
2:30?
Smells like a wharf nut in here.
What?
Smells like low tide.
- That's weird.
- I don't smell anything.
How was the doctor, dad?
Good enough quack.
Charged a fortune
but I've got his number.
Did you know I had brain cancer once?
Huge tumour on the recesses
in my temporal lobe.
But you're OK now.
100% holistic.
No chemo, no radiation.
What did you do?
I mapped the pathology of the cancer
with my mind.
Very Chinese.
Then I moved it.
Again with meditation.
I pushed it down to the fatty tissue
of my temporal lobe...
2 months.
Then I moved it down
to my nasal cavity stream. 3 months.
Then one day I just hocked it out.
About the size of a squash ball,
maybe bigger.
Do you play squash, Brian?
I've played some squash.
I was the no 2 at Yale.
Behind some Paki named Nasser.
Dad.
Pakistani.
The guy was a wire.
- It's Missy.
- Right, gerbil cock, right?
She wants you.
Stop it.
What's up in the rat world?
Depression,
sleep deprivation, test, the usual.
What the fuck is that?
This, is a sports drink.
I'm hungover.
- How you doin' man?
- Well...
I got a problem.
What's going on?
I had sex with this girl
in the back of her father' station wagon
the other day.
Is it a sting
when you pee kinda problem?
Expound.
Now what?
Well now there are 2 possible reactions
to this scenario.
You either wanna bang it home again
or you never see her
for the rest of your life.
Which is it?
Bang it home?
Why are you saying it
like it's a question?
Bang it home.
There you go.
Damn straight bang it home.
Good job.
Who is this girl?
She came into the store the other day,
and her dad bought a bed.
God bless capitalism.
So when's the next bang-bang
gonna happen?
I don't know.
You like her?
- You like her like her?
- I don't know.
You think it's possible that the rat
that stopped swimming was just tired
and taking a little break?
Unlikely.
These calculations are based
on months of testing, so...
The rat that stopped swimming again and
again is probably more than just tired.
How's the mattress business?
I should get there.
Hey you...
should ask Missy out.
Can't.
Scared.
Good luck.
You too.
You gotta swim
if you wanna bang it home.
That's reality.
Remember that.
I will.
- What's our first meal?
- Nothing.
Come on.
I'm starving.
- It's better on an empty stomach.
- It's true.
Crock. It's not.
I'm hungry, I'm gonna grab something
to eat. Brian you want something?
No, I'm alright.
Excuse me, shaman.
Dad, you need some help?
Nope, I've got it.
When are the shrooms ready?
Oh no...
best to let it steep a while.
Talked to a local, he said there were
a lot, ahead of the woods and...
black trumpets south side of Temper
lower elevations than last year.
You bringing that?
Might be some pheasant.
A pheasant with a death wish?
That's tradition.
He brings a gun.
He doesn't use the gun.
He throws up.
Thanks dad.
Sometimes...
it takes mushrooms...
to find mushrooms.
Prepare your pouches
for the poisoning.
My hand is starting to look a bit
like an eagle's claw.
So I think it's time
to pack our stuffs.
Any news from China?
Not really.
Same stuff, I'm on the list...
A couple of years...
could be earlier.
Listen, my friend Jin Ho,
very powerful businessman,
right here in the States.
He owns an airline company,
tobacco interests...
some crap like that.
He might be able to help you.
Well, I think he's Korean, dad
if that's what you mean.
Yes, yes...
He's a marvelous Korean!!
Of no help to you.
I hope it happens.
Be nice to have some
new life in this family.
Hope you get the kid.
I think you'd be great at it.
- You think so?
- I do, I do...
You got what it takes.
What does it take?
I haven't the foggiest idea,
to be truthful...
but...
listen...
Here we are, walking together
in the woods.
And if you can aspire...
to... be walking in the woods
with your kids.
After they've made it as far
as we've made it...
then...
I think you've done the right thing.
That makes sense.
It makes sense.
Not really.
But...
I think you understand me...
I do.
- Dad!
- What the fuck?!
Dad...
Where the fuck did it come from?
Are you alright?
Yeah yeah, I'm the war generation.
When we hear shots we get down. You guys
are running around like targets.
- You sure you're okay?
- Yeah yeah I'm fine.
Looks like a tiny calibre bullet.
Looks like a 22.
Some hunter probably shot one
across our bow.
- Yeah, what's he hunting? Squirrel?
- He has a point.
There shouldn't be anyone
hunting right now.
There's 2 ways we can go here
we can hunt the fucker down... sorry...
Or we can make our way back.
Oysters.
Check them golden oysters!
Look at those beauties.
- What we gonna do about the long gun?
- Nothing, nothing.
We got our mushrooms,
go back to our cabins and call it a day.
Then later, I'll take our bounty
after hours, head back into town
and have them cook us a proper meal.
Bonjour mes amis.
You need any help?
Brian, Tu viens me Donner
un coup de main.
I'd love to help.
What's he saying?
I'm gonna help Jacques
with the dinner and he
thinks dad's a murderer in the kitchen.
What, everybody speaks French but me?
Jacques, can we speak in English?
Evidemment,
I get carried away sometimes.
Whatever that boy wants,
he'll figure it out at some point.
And you've got 15 years
on both of ya.
You forget what you were like
when you were his age?
I was finishing my residency
when I was his age.
Yeah, I was in Russia
buying oil tankers.
You look good.
Very strong.
Stronger than I've ever seen you.
And I've seen you
since you were a little...
"pizza".
You mean piss-ant?
Oui c'est ça, c'est ça.
- Thanks.
- You're welcome.
Well, that's for you Jacques, thanks for
the hospitality and for the Frenchness.
Thank you for the champignon
and for being an absurd American.
So, how will you get home?
- Brian.
- I've got it.
- Are you okay to drive?
- He doesn't drink.
No. I just don't drink 3 bottles
of wine on my own.
Jacques, you fabulous Frenchman!
Thank you for suffering us.
Been my pleasure.
And don't forget to come back soon.
Merci monsieur,
I don't kiss like that.
- You crazy Americans.
- No kidding.
That means wait.
Thanks dad.
You put them in the pot,
you boil them and you make a bisque.
Watch your step.
Lobsters, lobsters, lobsters...
Motherfucker!
Jailbreak?
Is this a rueful act or a mistake?
Are you trying to free these things?
No!
I got a leg cramp.
I see.
What are you doing here?
- Does it matter.
- Why?
I'm with my Japanese guys
doing business. Does my breath stink?
- Yes.
- Damn.
Listen...
I was talking
to the big guy, Kanagae...
and he's got a brother
who plays canasta
with some Chinese diplomats.
Would that interest you?
What are you talking about?
Come over here.
- My ass is in love with this bed.
- This is the nicest one of the bunch.
Good.
Anyway...
so I talked to this guy Kanagae,
and he claims...
You know these people?
- Yeah, they're customers.
- They're good?
They're cool.
He thinks he can get a Chinese baby on
the black market for like 45000 $.
- What?
- Chinese. Like you want.
He's got these kind of connections.
He's an oil man.
- Really?
- So what do you think?
- The black market?
- Yeah.
It sounds kinda shady.
Does it?
Or does it sound awesome?!
Right.
It sounds like a bad idea.
OK.
You know, it's...
My little contribution, but...
Parallel paths...
we pursue...
That way that's not working right now
and I'll keep on going after my thing.
We'll see who wins.
You mind if I crash here
for a little bit?
Knock yourself out.
Gotta love this fucking bed.
You got laid recently didn't you?
And don't fucking lie to me either.
I'm here to see Harriet Lolly?
- Happy?
- Yes.
Have a seat on the couch,
make yourself comfortable.
There's coffee, Red Bull
and Cheezos around the corner.
- Just over there.
- Thank you.
Uh, Happy, you have a visitor.
What's his name...
- Dude... sir, what's your name?
- Brian Weathersby.
Brian, you heard it.
OK.
- She'll be right out.
- Thank you.
You're welcome.
- What are you doing here?
- You said to stop by.
Nobody honors that system.
So old-fashioned.
- Well, that's how I roll.
- That's great.
- Are you really busy? I can come back...
- No... I'm not...
I barely have a job,
so do you wanna see this?
- Sure.
- It's really fascinating.
We have to lay low because my sister's
on a warpath and she's a sniper...
Oh, I'm sorry...
Hello.
Why don't we do it like always?
- Hey Hap.
- Hi Conner.
- This is my friend Brian.
- Hey dude.
You look like her old boyfriend,
doesn't he?
Totally.
How do you guys know each other?
Brian sold my father a mattress.
You work in the mattress store?
You get me a good deal?
Probably not.
Your shoulder's a little tight.
Yo Kim...
Fuck!
I gotta jack.
- Here's my sister.
- Hi.
- I'm Melanie Lolly.
- Hi, Brian Weathersby.
I look like a mannequin
in this thing.
No, absolutely not.
- Melanie sort of hosts the show.
- Congratulations.
Please go to the monitor and check
and see If I look like
a massive wall of Grey.
- I do?
- No, you don't...
yes, I'll look at the monitor.
Thank you.
What is that?
Press the button.
We sold like,
800,000 of those things last year.
That's a...
combination rape whistle, pepper spray
mini brass knuckle key chain.
You laughed
when I used one of those once.
She peppered a drunk guy
in the valet line "he was really old".
He was an old perv.
- So do I look huge?
- No, shut up.
- You shut up.
- You shut up.
I'm not saying that doesn't make sense,
I don't know what "smackdown" is.
Well, this has been interesting.
So, do you want to do
something later?
Sure.
I'm having dinner with my dad
if you wanna come?
Please?
Do I have to get dressed up?
Kinda.
I should check with work, though.
Are you open at night?
Right... what?
It's called the Bobcat...
It's on 62nd Street,
7:30,
it's kinda Frenchy.
You've got...
2 hours and 45 minutes to get ready.
Sorry, I got a little lost.
City's laid out in a perfect grid, I can
see how that can happen, 62nd street...
Hi, I'm Brian.
Ducky.
Brian, this is Ducky Settinstall.
Ducky, meet Brian.
He's started sleeping
with my daughter.
- Albert.
- Dad.
Am I incorrect?
Please tell me if I'm being incorrect.
Bobby...
another bottle of Merlot please.
Brian, am I correct?
Well, no.
It's just been
the one time in your car,
so if we do it again...
then I think you could call it
sleeping together.
Fantastic.
And how's the adoption going?
Brian's in the middle of adopting
a kid from China.
- So you would like...
- I don't get it.
You've got fertile soil
right next to you here.
Are you not planning on sticking around,
or is it an ammunition issue?
- Dad?
- Harriet.
Why do you think you and Ducky
don't make a formal commitment?
Is it because she works for you? You
think it might be a conflict of interest
So you have a hotel relationship?
I think I'll have the lamb...
and a free salt salad...
I think I'll have the clams.
So... seriously, I'm just interested.
Suppose this Chinese baby plan works
and you get the kid,
what's the long term finance structure?
Who's the mother?
Who provides the feminine support?
What happens when the kid
gets her period?
I'm asking the tough questions.
Go!
The long term finance structure?
I assume you make peanuts
at the mattress factory.
How do you support a kid
on a meager salary?
I guess we'll just eat less food.
They don't eat a lot in China anyway,
and they're much healthier so...
It'll be some cost-cutting measures
like that, less food,
no heat, et cetera...
You won't be laughing
when the tuition bills come in,
and she wants a horsie
or he wants a Countach.
What's a Countach?
It's a Lamborghini.
A car.
It sounds totally preposterous
somebody your age adopting a baby.
No wife, no nothing.
But I admire it.
I admire the hell out of it.
How old are you going to be?
I'm going to be 29.
Christ to a cracker!
- You speak Chinese?
- I'm learning.
I speak a little Mandarin,
pretty fluent Thai
but that's the extent
of my Asian language.
How much do you make in the job?
It's a commission-based thing so,
the more I sell the more I make.
Believe it or not,
I understand how commission works.
Now pipe down.
Talk numbers. How much?
I generally sell 5 beds a month,
and I get 5%
of the pre-tax sales.
You make $700 every month?
That could work.
You like Harriet?
She's had a tough go-over.
You mess her up, I'll kill your parents.
Your parents still alive?
- Yes.
- Good.
Let's go girls. Come on up...
Say goodnight.
Goodnight Brian.
Freaking car...
I think I'm gonna walk with Brian.
Not this late at night you're not.
Get in the car.
It's only 9:30.
Suit yourself.
Take the avenues, no sidestreets.
Here here, take this.
- What's this?
- It's a switchblade.
Don't lose it, I got it in Corsica.
- Bye daddy.
- Goodnight darling.
What's up?
I was in the neighborhood.
This is Harriet...
How are you?
Larry.
- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
What are you up to?
Me, I'm just having some dinner,
drinking some vodka.
You want some?
Is that purple vodka?
Put a little extra shit in there.
I'll have some.
Sure, I guess.
Alright.
Let's do this.
You want a little bit of ethanol?
There you go.
One for you.
One for you.
One for me.
Can...
we go down to the pool?
Sure.
Absolutely.
You wanna use the...
wee lil'key here.
Thanks.
No problem.
Have a great time.
Bye Larry.
Nice to meet ya.
Just stay here then.
So... what are we doing here?
We swim.
In the nude, I presume?
Well, pretty much.
Let's go up here.
Effectively combines
three of my great fears.
The dark,
heights,
public nudity.
What if I'm scared?
You're not.
Yes I am...
How do you know?
Well, I did it.
Good for you.
Am I a virgin...
being thrown into the snakepit?
To honor the Kraken?
I think we both know
that's not the case.
Can we have sex over there?
Do you want me to go ask
the security guard?
Sweden has a quarter of the available
light we have here in the US.
And?
And what does less light mean?
Shorter days.
Yes, but more importantly
longer nights.
These motherfuckers
know how to get themselves some sleep.
Me, I sleep like the dead anyway
but I cannot touch the Swedes.
They outsleep everybody, but...
They are some depressed,
suicidal niggers...
I'll tell you that.
Where is that, Iceland?
Anyway, be that as it may...
They...
Can you hold on one second?
Brian?
Kenyatta called.
This is Kenyatta.
Hey, Kennyata, it's Brian Weathersby.
Hey Brian.
What's up man?
You called me.
No... you called me.
I'm calling you back.
You're right!
They approved you.
You're on the list.
So, listen man...
This is how it breaks down.
You are going to go to Hong Kong
in a few months,
and, we have
an international sister agency,
they gonna handle it from there,
hook you up,
I just wanna say,
congratu-fuckin-lations man, you did it.
- Thanks.
- So... I'll be in touch...
I'll probably have you come in
and take care of some financial stuffs,
but congratulations!
- Thank you.
- You got it baby.
Laters.
Bye.
As I suspected gents
he didn't go for the black market idea.
No go. I'll call it off.
I appreciate the effort though.
I owe you all for the due diligence.
This round's on me.
Weathersby,
how come you've never had a wife?
Never a family.
Just why,
if you don't mind us asking.
- You guys are happily married, right?
- Yes.
Look where it got you,
getting hand-pumped on a Tuesday night.
Why have you never done it, John?
It's OK to not be married.
Yes, it is.
I was close once.
Hawaiian broad.
What happened?
We split, she married a college
professor who brewed his own beer.
What does it feel to study?
Asian studies.
Looks like
it turned out well for everybody.
Here I am with you
fish-face perverts.
Fuck you, round-eyed drouchebag.
Douchebag, Nagata.
Douchebag.
Goddamn, if you don't try
to squeeze an "R" in every word.
Asshole.
You may work the balls a little bit,
we're gonna be here all night.
You want some goat stew?
You made that?
Hell, no.
West Indian girl I know
made it for me.
It's damn good too.
Real dark-skinned girl,
ass like a beach ball.
That's your girl?
Body's tighted.
No disrespect.
You're Roger.
Good guess.
It's nice to meet you Happy.
You fine-looking thing you.
You want some goat stew?
Sure.
Be right back.
So what's the big news?
Shall we get a cup of coffee
or somethin'?
I don't know. Depends on how serious
this little meeting we're having is.
Not serious.
Here you go.
One piping hot goat stew.
Smells good.
I'll leave you two lovebirds alone.
- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
Or we can do it here.
You're making me nervous.
No, don't be.
It's nothing really.
How's your soup?
A little...
ligamenty.
- You don't have to eat it if you...
- No, it's good.
So what is it?
I got the baby.
The baby, the baby?
I made the list.
I'm going to China,
to get it and...
bring it back here.
That's so great.
I know.
I know, it's crazy.
On the one hand,
I've been waiting...
- I'm sick.
- For a long time...
I really wanna hear this,
can you just
hold this for one sec cause I just...
Is there a bathroom
I could use really quickly?
Sure.
It's right over there.
This is really great Brian.
I'm really excited for you.
I'm so sorry I just run over
there are all these things I have to do.
Like what?
Like, just stuffs for the show
and some other things.
I could come with you,
this place is dead.
Cause I just remembered
I have a doctor's appointment.
It's for my...
Gynaecologist?
You just remembered
you had a gynaecologist to see.
So, I have to go.
But I'll call you later and...
Congratulations!
I'm super-psyched for you.
My family's having a dinner
to celebrate tomorrow night.
Can you come?
Sure.
You could bring your dad if you want.
Great.
Great.
Great.
Great job.
Mom?
Who's this?
It's Harriet.
Harriet?
How are you dear?
I'm okay.
Oh God, good to hear your voice.
Thanks.
What are you up to?
You gotta get out here and see me.
It's been too long, dear.
Where are you, exactly?
This is the new place.
The New Mexico house.
I thought it says Naples, Florida, 809?
The... the Florida house.
When did you move out there?
After cab.
We come here for the polo season end.
Paul's car show.
Is Paul the new...
boyfriend?
He is.
Great. What does he do?
Nothing.
He likes cars and he owns a few ponies.
- What are you up to?
- I'm relaxing,
I'm just here with some
of my lady friends and we're just...
And we're just doing what we do.
Why don't you come here and...
I'll pay for everything.
Maybe.
It's...
It's tough.
I actually just called
to ask you something.
I don't know
what you could possibly ask me.
Just sort of a general question, mom.
I still get these alumni newsletters
from Graaten.
Do you want me to hold on to them?
I could put them in an envelope
for you or somethin'?
- No, it's okay.
- All right.
Anyways,
can I just ask you this thing?
Alright, if you feel like you must.
I'm seeing this guy
and he's about to...
Anyways I was with him and I...
I got really nervous and I...
went to the bathroom
and I threw up everywhere.
You're ill?
I'm not... I'm not ill.
I just went to the bathroom
and I threw up everywhere.
I just wondered if...
you had ever done anything like that.
Honey, you probably
got a microbial virus or some...
type of toxic food poisoning.
Did you eat from a deli?
No mom, I didn't eat from a deli.
Sweetheart. Hang up.
Don't give the phone company
all of our money.
You plan a trip.
Come up and see me.
And I'll make you soup.
And I'll...
put you in bed and read you a book.
And you need to get healthy.
Down.
Come down and see you.
Of course.
Will you say hello to your father
for me?
And tell him I need to talk to him?
Alright, beautiful.
Bye.
I haven't been in an office
in 20 years.
- This is different?
- Where are the offices?
These are them.
These pens?
These aren't offices.
Where do you hang your topcoat?
Because your diploma
is your artwork?
So sorry to keep you guys waiting.
I'm Kenyatta.
- Kirby Weathersby.
- Nice to meet you.
Your son has been very
diligent about this
and he's a rare case.
He's been talkin' bout it
his whole life.
Is that right?
For his 8th birthday,
I got him a bike.
Chrome mongoose.
He ran to his room crying,
said he wanted a baby,
a Chinese baby for that matter.
Let's get down to some specifics.
Can I get either of you
somethin' to drink?
I'll take a bourbon.
Dad. They don't do that.
Great. Nothing for me, thanks.
So...
Thanks for coming in.
Obviously you'll be
the baby's primary sponsor, Brian.
And M. Weathersby...
Kirby, please.
Your wife and two boys,
John and James, will be the baby's
secondary guardians, is that right?
OK, great. Just sign here
and here, and initial here.
- Thanks.
- Thank you.
Looks like you'll be headed
over to Hong Kong, 2 months.
You'll spend 2 weeks there.
And then you'll be returning here
to New York with the baby.
This is terrific.
Brian, let's go celebrate.
Kenny, would you care to join us?
I would love to.
But I've got work to do here.
Here's what you do.
Tell your girl to hold all your calls
and pop out for a quick one with us.
Well, I don't have a girl, Kirby.
Who makes your appointments?
Who takes your drycleaning in?
I do.
Mercy, Lord, that's tragic.
Harriet.
Hey dad, this is Octavio,
he was just getting going.
Not on my account at all?
No, no, I've kept him long enough.
Take care Octavio.
Don't.
- So...
- So.
I'm going to cooking school.
In France.
Alright.
I just signed up online.
Why not take on another career?
Blazed through 5 in 5 years.
- Dad.
- You're on pace for some kinda record.
I'm sorry, but chef school...
I've never seen you do anything
but pour cereal.
I really need your support right now.
I'll give you whatever you need.
Thank you.
Sure this isn't
coming from somewhere else?
Like what?
Like... like your friend.
What about him?
Did he hurt you?
He told me he loved me.
He did?
Yes... sort of.
And I sort of love him.
But now, I'm gonna...
commit myself fully to this?
It's a swift change.
But whatever you need,
I'll support you.
Some of the most important decisions
we make in life
are done in a matter of minutes,
even seconds.
It's your life.
Do as you will.
He's asleep?
Knocked out cold.
Should we get out of here?
You think she might show up
for dessert?
We already ate it.
That'd be the plates of cake?
I'm sure she got tied up
with something important.
Just make sure she's alright.
Call her.
Drop by her place.
Get him home.
I'm gonna figure this thing out.
Congratulations big guy.
I'm so happy for you, Brian.
Thanks mom.
- Go get her sport.
- Bye.
That's gonna end poorly?
Jonathan?
It's just the way I see it.
Women, present company excluded,
are liars, thieves, and a categorical
waste of time and resources.
- You're a fool.
- I've been called worse.
Roland, la cuenta.
- How about dessert?
- Let's go.
- Let's go.
- I'll get the coats.
Good bye. You're crazy.
How are you doing?
I'm a little cramped.
I'm sorry about dinner.
What happened?
I was at work and...
we couldn't get any cell service
when we were taping
but then Melanie was kinda like
in my ear the whole day
and I left my phone
in my purse and...
It was...
just kind of...
Is that a lie?
Kind of.
Do you wanna come upstairs?
How was your dinner?
I'm sorry.
This is definitely my fault.
I just have so much I wanna tell you.
First, I wanna tell you that...
I care for you.
I really do.
Never met anyone like you.
I'm just so fucked up.
I don't have a real job
and never had a boyfriend.
Never really been in love.
It's just a lot.
It's too much.
You are about to have a fucking kid.
I know.
I understand.
It's disappointing.
But...
I guess I had to know one way
or the other.
I feel like shit.
I am shit.
I'm gonna go to chef school.
Next week, in France.
What?
- I didn't know...
- Neither did I but...
I speak French so... I guess...
- It's gonna be a fresh start...
- Can I have a little more vodka?
I think our work here is done.
- No Brian, don't go like that.
- Sorry...
- Please be mad at me...
- I've got much to worry about.
- I'm gonna go.
- Just stay a little while?
Sorry, that would be
a little fucking easy.
You're really enjoying your
self-righteousness now?
I've an international power converter
thing in my apartment if you need it.
I got it in France when I was 18.
You don't understand.
There's...
something going on for a long time.
Hello...
- Hello?
- We're on our way.
When I get to the house,
I press the button with your name on it?
What I don't understand is, how is
the button big enough to hold your name?
Name is next to the button, dad.
- And the porter will clear it?
- There's no doorman, dad.
No porter? What do you mean?
You mean no one?
No.
Who does your shoes?
Who take care of deliveries?
Dad, just ring the buzzer
and I'll buzz you up.
You'll figure it out
when you get here?
Alright, see you there. Bye...
How do you shut this off?
- Right there.
- Hit the green, no, hit the red.
Thanks for the cellphone.
He's living in squalor.
I thought you'd already gone.
My plane is supposed
to leave tomorrow, but...
I thought I'd come by
and get the power converter.
What happened to your face?
- A pickup game.
- A pickup game?
Some frat boys.
Are you having a party?
My folks are coming by
and my brothers are coming too.
Is there someone here?
Maybe I should leave.
This is the little one.
I thought you had to go to China.
The agency called and...
this couple in Long Island
flipped out and got cold feet.
She's yours?
Went out there last week, and...
we're celebrating one week
together today.
This is May.
Did you pick that?
No, but I like it.
Me too.
She's beautiful.
I think so too.
Let me get that thing.
- The door?
- Can you just buzz that?
Stay there.
Think this is it.
Should work in all of Europe.
Brian, I wanted to talk to you
a little bit more.
- My entire family is about to arrive.
- I know, I just wanted to apologize
For acting out and I'm sorry for being
so weird and I wanted to tell you...
Alright, let's have a little look
at the little Samurai.
- Samurai's Japanese, dad.
- Akibonos, little panda, where's she?
Oh my God!
She is the most darling thing
I've ever seen. Can I hold her?
Thank you. Barbara, we gotta apply
and get one of these.
You did it!
So damn proud of ya!
- This is not just champagne.
- Hey, everyone...
This is Happy.
I thought you were going off
to become a chef.
Yeah, well, I...
I signed up for a cooking school
on the internet...
It doesn't exist
because it dissolved in 2004
and they didn't update the website...
- I see...
- But I'm gonna study here in the city.
Marvelous! That's fantastic,
because we need someone in this family
who can cook.
Because frankly, Barbara don't get
your nose outta the joint,
collectively we can't make
buttered toast.
John Weathersby.
- Nice to meet you.
- Get outta here.
A toast, Brian?
Why don't you do it Grandpa?
You're good at it.
Good... I'll take that bait.
- I'm James.
- Hi, I'm Happy.
Since brevity is the soul of wit
and tediousness its limbs
and outward flourishes.
Therefore, I shall be brief.
- Twait.
- That's William Shakespeare, boy.
May...
a new child, a new life,
a new family...
Welcome, little May...
and love... love love love.
You're in good kind hands.
And here's to many many
happy birthdays to come
and I'll be at every one of them!
Salud!
Salud!
- Have you got any beer in the fridge?
- No.
Would you like to come and... to a deli
and see if we can pick up some beer?
There's a deli...
two blocks
that way, it's in here...
the elevator.
I don't drink beer.
It's okay dear.
I'm sorry.
Don't be sorry.
I really wanted
to come to the dinner.
It's okay.
I called my mother the other day.
She...
She didn't know who I was at first.
She doesn't call me on my birthday.
I'm sorry.
When is your birthday?
June 9th.
I was half a geezer,
when I had that boy.
He's been sweet his whole life.
But he never had the family
the other kids did.
Everyone thought that we were
his grandparents.
He told his teacher once that...
His real parents had died in a car crash
and his grandparents took him on.
He did?
He was confused I guess.
I don't blame him.
It wasn't disloyal, he was...
he was just trying to
make everything seem normal,
I suppose.
But nothing's normal.
You guys seem pretty normal.
We're not.
You have a right
to be worried and afraid.
I'm just afraid that I fucked
everything up beyond repair.
Nothing's fucked up.
Nothing's beyond repair.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Shall we go back?
This could use a wall light
or some kinda industrial screw.
The pipe looks strong enough, the rope
looks strong enough, leave that.
Welcome back girls.
Have a seat.
Now, Happy...
For your benefit,
I want you to know that...
For the kids when they were born
I would make...
a pinata of a famous dictator,
fill it with bitter honey.
John, had Stalin.
James had Mussolini.
And Brian...
had Pol Pot.
You see the progression?
And this is...
Colonel Muammar Al-Gaddafi.
Let's whack him.
Since May
can't exercise her own honor,
I'm sure she would want you to be
the proxy whacker.
- Blindfold her please.
- Yes sir.
You won't be able to break it with the
first burst. You're only going to...
put a start on it because of its
superior workmanship.
Over here.
Attagirl. Straight.
Here here, gimme that baby.
Come on...
Brian, there's a deuce loose
in the caboose
and I'm not well-versed
in that detail.
Champagne,
cocktails,
drinks...
Come on everyone. We must drink up,
today is one big fucking day...