Giantess Battle Attack (2022) - full transcript

(dramatic swooshing)
(wind whipping)

(wings flapping)
(birds squeaking)

(animal howls)

(deep suspenseful music)

- You're going down.

- Funny, I was thinking
the same about you.

(punch thuds)

(adventurous music)

(plaster crackling)

(bold adventurous music)

(Metaluna thuds)



- You have lost, Metaluna.

Time to die.

- No. No.

(laser whirring)

- Is there no one big
enough, strong enough,

to defeat the mighty
Spa-Zor? (yells)

- [Woman Over PA] Spa-Zor to
the Queen's platform, please.

Spa-Zor to the Queen's platform.

(electronic beeping
and whirring)

(slow daunting music)

(doorbell rings)

- Prunella, the door.

(object clinks)

- Yes, oh mighty queen.



(door whirring)

- You wanted to see me, Empress?

- Spa-Zor, your glory is always
welcome here in my chambers.

- Thank you, Empress. You
wanted to have words with me?

- I do.

(gentle digital music)

But first, the trimea.

I hope you relish
it as much as I.

(liquid dribbling)

To the next victory.

(mysterious electronic music)

- Thank you, Empress.

(soft electronic music)

- There will come a time
when you will take my throne

by force, as I did
once with my superior.

But I have some time yet, so
don't get any funny ideas.

I have a few more
thousand millennia.

But we do have something to fix.

- And that is?

- Well recently, I intercepted
a thing called a wavelength,

an old form of communication,
very primitive.

And I traced its
origin to there.

(static buzzes)
(funky electronic music)

Little minuscule
planet called Earth,

apparently inhabited by millions
of the minature creatures,

weaklings all.

But, legend has it that
there is one amongst them,

one great giantess.

And that, is our
challenge. Most formidable.

You need to go to planet Earth,
find this great giantess,

challenge her to a duel.

And then we will broadcast
live the bloodshed

all over Buxomus, and it
will be such great morale

for the planet.

- This bitch have a name?

- She goes by the name Beverly.

- Wrong. Her name is Toast.

(tense mysterious music)

(spacecraft roars)

- Your ass is mine
now, bitch. (grunts)

(spaceship whirring)
(mysterious music)

(explosions booming)

(upbeat electronic music)

(spaceship whirring)

(digital beeping)
(upbeat electronic music)

(rocks rumble)
(upbeat electronic music)

- Hey, toots.

That one's too damn big to
break down. How 'bout it?

- I got it.

(rock thuds)

(rocks crumble)

- Now, that's what
I call a foot job.

- That-a baby.

- That-a big baby.

Mama needs to take
that one off the milk.

- I'll show you a big baby.

(water splashes)

- Hey, how am I supposed to go
to the bar lookin' like this?

- Aw, does baby need
his diaper changed?

(whistle blows)

- It's about time you took a
shower. Is it Saturday already?

- You gonna do
something about her?

- Probably gonna
give her a raise.

She's the best worker I have,

twice the work in half the time.

- I heard you already
gave her a raise.

- Hey, that's enough.
I won't have it.

- I don't know how
it stands at all.

She's a freak.

- One more word
outta you and I'll--

- And you'll what?

- You sure you wanna find out?

- But, of course.

- I thought so. Now get.
Whistle already blew.

- You have fun with
your fre, girlfriend.

I'll be filing a
grievance with the union.

- Do whatever
makes you feel big.

Hey, Bev?

- Yeah?

- This guy's leaving. You
wanna blow him a little kiss?

- You sure?

- I'm sure I'm sure.

- Sure you won't get jealous?

- Come on baby.

Give me a big old smooch,
right in front of your man.

(wind whips)

(man thuds)

(boots scuffling)

- You have anything
else you wanna add?

- Good night, Mike. Good
night, Miss Beverly.

I'll see you first
thing tomorrow morning.

(gentle lighthearted music)

- You okay?

- Totally.

- Liar.

- They're right. I'm
a big freaky-deaky.

- Well, then I'm a
pinhead for liking you.

- You say the sweetest junk.

- By the way, it's payday.

I already deposited your
check into your account.

You can check for
yourself if you--

- I trust you.

- Thanks.

- (scoffs) I'll just need
to work at this dirty place

for the next zillion
years to pay off

all my lawsuits and bills.

- Is it so bad?

- I, I didn't mean it like that.

I, I appreciate all
you've done for me.

You're the only person
who stood by my side.

- I get it. You're used
to the life of Riley.

This is my life of reality.

- It's not that.

I don't miss the clothes and
the money and the parties.

(sighs) I just would wanna
sleep in a real bed for once.

- Maybe someday.

- (sighs) This is
really hard for me.

I was a self-made girl.
I was so independent.

Being 50 feet tall is
like so five months ago.

I was, I was love
hated for so long,

and now I'm just hate hated.

- What's better?

Being admired by
millions of strangers

or knowing the love
of one single person
who has your heart?

- Hmm. Just kidding, you goob.

You know you mean
everything to me.

It's just that, I try to do
something really positive

for the world, and I ended
up wrecking the entire city.

All of my money gone overnight,
my ex made sure of that.

And, even if I had
all that money,

it still wouldn't make a
dent in all my lawsuits

for smashed houses,
smooshed power lines,

and broken ribs or whatever.

- Nah, it's just
like construction.

- I used to be the poster girl

for obscene wealth and hotness.

And now, I'm the poster girl
for like, a monster movie.

- I love monster movies.

(deep somber music)

- Having fun down there?

- (laughs) You rock me, baby.

- Are we interrupting anything?

- Boy, what I wouldn't
give to be him right now.

- Professional. Remember?

- I guess.

- Hey dudes

- Dr. Dude, please. Lana.

I mean, (sighs) nevermind.
It was pointless.

- Thanks for coming
down to the site,

must mean you got
some good news, right?

- Mm, not at all.

- You mean I'm getting worse?

- No, I mean, this is
just a courtesy visit,

to assure you we're still
thinking of your plight.

- We have no real results
one way or another.

So um, yeah, hi. How ya doin'?

- Still big AF.

- You're seriously
writing that down?

- I'll research it later,
could be fortuitous.

- Most likely not.

- So, no change in the
results from last time?

- Not at all. She's no
smaller than she was before.

But on the bright
side, she's no larger.

- We think that's something.

- Like what?

- Fuchsia and Gary
returned to normal size.

Why them and not me?

- Inconclusive
data, unfortunately.

Our theory is, they ate less
of the substance than you.

- Beverly Wood's
uhholy meatrimony.

- Yes, that substance.

- I thought of that name myself.

- Also unfortunate.

We want to run some
more tests on them

to see if we can string
together a timeline

of consumption and events.

- Then do it.

- Well, we have no
blood or cell specimens

at this moment right now.

- Why is that?

- Mm, both of them are boffin'
their brains out in Hawaii

for an indefinite
amount of time.

- Dennis. (chuckles nervously)

- Well, sorry.

- Don't worry,
Bev, it'll happen.

And if it doesn't,
that's okay too.

- Sorry to break
that news, Miss Wood.

- You know, maybe this
is me being selfish,

which means I've
matured a little bit,

but I don't really
care about them.

I just care about me, and I
don't wanna be a freak forever.

- Gary ate only a
little of the substance.

- Beverly Wood's
unholy meatrimony.

- Yeah, that one.

We're still unclear as
to how much Fuchsia ate.

It could all just boil
down to metabolism.

It just hasn't worked its
way out of your system

as quickly as it did theirs.

We have no explanation,
just theories.

- Sucks.

- Well, that's it?

- Sorry to say.

- Thank you doctors,
for keep on keeping on.

We both appreciate you.

- We are working on this,
and we'll be in contact

if we find out anything at all.

In the meantime, we're only
just a phone call away.

Call us for anything, Miss Wood,

even if it's just
emotional support.

Make sure you ask for
me though. (chuckles)

Let's leave these two.

(mysterious music)

(spacecraft whirring)

- Computer.

- [Computer] Yes.

- Bring up intel
on my challenger.

- [Computer] Okay.

(computer whirring and beeping)

- That's her, that's
the dead meat.

- [Computer] Me-ow.

- Enhance.

Not that type of enhance.

- [Computer] Oh my
stars and garters.

I'm not sure what's
gotten into me.

- Enhance.

More enhance.

Your face is so punchable.

(fist thuds)

- [Computer] Hey!

(spacecraft whirring)

(gentle music)
(crickets chirping)

- Oh, look. Shooting star.

(gentle mysterious music)

Make a wish.

- I wish I was normal again.

(Beverly sighs)

- What's wrong?

- I used to be a
star, burning bright.

And now, I'm like this
big black hole of suckage.

- Don't say that, Bev.

- If space were an emoji,
it'd be a sad face.

- Well, you
definitely don't suck.

- It used to be my specialty.

I'm so horny, and
we can't do anything

without you getting hurt.

- I've got just the thing.

(gentle mysterious music)

- Really, work? Now?

- Nope.

- Really? Spulunking?

- (chuckles) I like to think
of it more as spaloving.

(drill whirs)

If I'm not back in half an hour,
don't send help. (chuckles)

(drill whirring)
(Beverly moaning)

Geronimo!

(Beverly gasps)

(light-hearted music)

Wakey-wakey, legs and sexy.

(Beverly moans)

- Good morning.

You uh, really
hammered me last night.

(chuckles) Literally.

- Open those pretty peepers.

I got a little surprise for ya.

- What's that? Breakfast in
bed, or croissant in the quarry?

- Even better. Your
fan club is here.

(women giggling)

- Hey, it's my only fans.

- We love you, Miss Wood.

- We have a gift for you.

- What's that?

- Spa day!

(fans cheer)

- Yay.

(whimsical music)

(nail file scrapes)

(whimsical music)

(polish sprays)

Thank you, girls. Let's dance.

(upbeat music)

(static buzzes)

- Hi, I'm director Jim Wynorski,

and I'm stopping
this film right now.

There's just too
much gratuitous sex.

(plates splatting)

(whimsical music)
(fans cheering)

- Thank you so much.

You really made me feel
like a real girl again.

- No problem, Miss Wood.

- I wanna be just like
you when I grow up.

- Don't grow up
too fast. Trust me.

- We love you, Beverly.

(women giggle)

- I love you too. Whoo-hoo.

(wind whipping)
(spacecraft whirring)

(wind whipping)
(mysterious music)

(foot thuds)
(rocks crumble)

- You want me to fight that?

- It'll be the biggest battle
of all time. Literally.

- Look at her.

I think you'd agree, she
has a few pounds on me,

not to mention an extra 45 feet.

- Details, details.

Once you've grown to her
size, this'll be easy-peasy,

giant squeezy.

- Grown to her size?

- We'll talk about that later.

- Damn right, we will.

- You'll wipe the desert
floor with her ass,

and your booty will be
rolling in the looty.

- I don't know, your, your
schemes are usually scams.

- I got this.

Every eyeball on Earth will pay

to see this big bitch
battle royal, with cheese.

Big bitch battle
royal with cheese.

- Aren't you afraid she's
gonna recognize you?

She'll stomp on your head.

- My son, Bradley, okay,
had it coming. Okay?

But it wasn't me who
took advantage of her.

He's strung her along for years.

Tell you the truth, I
wanna make her and us

rich and famous again, and
filthy, stinking, honking rich.

- How's your son
doing these days?

I heard that motor boating
accident really traumatized him.

- Traumatized? It
almost killed him.

(eerie whirring)

- From yesterday alone,
Beverly Wood Branding

received 3.2 million individual
views across all brands.

- They live in their
mom's basement,

'cause they spend all
their money on you.

The hottest girl on
the internet. It's
what the fans want.

Scientists, a good morning
all depends on the mood

of Beverly, and her mood depends
on if this is ready or not.

- Well, there's still some
testing that needs to be done.

Well, it's not a real carrot.

I mean, it looks real, but
it's a Beverly Wood carrot.

- Right, so what
kind of side effects

are we talking about here?

- Death.

- Gastro bloating.

- Total and severe body melt.

- One small bite for
visionary entrepreneur women,

one giant leap for
Ambassador Kind.

- Yeah, well, whatever
it is, I'm sure it's no--

(bold dramatic music)

Big deal.

(bold dramatic music)

(window crashing)

(bold dramatic music)

No, no, no.

- What's your fantasy, Bradley?

- Two girls.

(haunting ambient music)

(Bradley yelling)

(medical machines beeping)

So big.

So big.

They were so, so big.

- Good afternoon, Mr. Fortunova.

Are you ready for some lunch?

- No, no. No.

They're so big.

- How 'bout having
just a little milk?

(bongo drumming music)

(Bradley yells)

- Take it away.

(Bradley yells)

I can't take them anymore.

(eerie whirring)

- Doctors say he
may never recover.

And why would he want to?

He may spend the rest of
his days in the booby hatch.

- Careful what you
wish for, I guess.

- Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have a big deal to propose.

Wish me luck.

- Go get her, tiger.

(light-hearted music)

(foot stomps)
(rocks crumble)

What the hell am I
getting myself into?

(light-hearted music)

- Ah, excuse me, Ms. Wood.

- Do I know you?

- Um, not really. No.

- I'm kinda busy here, fella.

- This'll only take a
minute of your time.

But I assure you, it'll be
worth it. Millions, worth it.

- Beat it, creep.
I'm done with pervs.

- I am not your everyday, run
of the mill perv, trust me.

- Ew. Get lost. Bye.

- Hear me out.

- And, you look like someone
I used to know. So, double ew.

- Bothering the lady, pal?
This is private property.

I suggest you turn around
and go back the way you came.

- Please listen.

I can help with the bills,
the lawsuits, everything.

- You can pay all that off?

- Are you a lawyer?

- Ah, ha, I'm not
that sleazy, pal.

I'm a promoter.

- Promoter of what?

- Events of the highest
end, total quality.

- Name one.

- Okay well, to be honest,

this would be the
first of this caliber.

But trust me, no one
has ever done this

in the history of mankind.

- I think you need
to turn tail and get.

- Let him talk. Everyone
deserves a chance.

- Thank you, Beverly, Miss Wood.

- So, what are you proposing?

- Well, 50 million
bucks, win or lose.

- Win or lose to what?

- Does it even matter?

There's nobody else like me,
and I'm a crazy bitch, so.

- I like that spunk.

- I don't like this.
It doesn't sound right.

- That money sounds
pretty right to me.

- About right.

- But, you haven't
said who or what

she's winning or losing against.

- Winning.

- It doesn't matter,
Bev. It's not worth it.

- (laughs) Her?
Definitely winning.

- You think you're
so big and tough.

- I am though.

- The bigger they are,
the harder they fall.

And bitch, you're the biggest.

You're gonna fall so hard,
your lips are gonna flatten.

- Does anyone hear that tiny,
annoying little buzzing sound?

Get me my fly swatter.

- I'm gonna crawl up your
ass, and turn you inside out.

- Yeah?

Well I'm gonna floss my teeth
with your scrawny boy body.

- You're gonna taste what
the Conda is steaming.

- Oh, okay, wait, we
talked about this.

You can't say that.

- Sorry.

You're going down.
Way, way down.

- Uh-huh.

- Yeah-huh.

- Uh-huh.

- Uh-huh.

- Nah-uh.

- Uh-huh.

- Okay ladies, save
it for the event.

- Okay.

- Totally.

- See you then.

- Lates.

- I like your helmet, FYI.

- Thank you.

- I, I, I don't
like this at all.

I, how, how is this
even gonna happen?

Your girl doesn't
stand a chance.

Beverly could seriously hurt
her without trying at all.

- Don't worry. Let me
work out the details.

- Okay. When is this
supposed to go down?

- Give me about a month. Okay?

I need to advertise,
sell tickets, promote.

Anna needs to grow.

- What? Say that again.

- Into character. Anna needs
to grow into character.

- I don't like this.

- You will.

- This could be my out.

- (sighs) I don't think so.

(deep foreboding music)

(electronic beeping)

(soft mysterious music)

(stirrer clinking)

- It certainly looks
like it could be the one.

- Could it be?

- It could.

But, none of 'em
have been so far.

- The aroma's
correct, if I recall.

- It smells like Snausages.

- Well then no, I was
going for Gravy Train.

I personally like
the smell of it,

and my dog Poochie loves it.

- When can, when
can Anna Conda try?

- Well, I don't see
any reason why we--

- Not yet. It isn't ready.

- Well, I don't see any
reason why we can't.

- This is, this is,
this is ludicrous.

Okay, wheels are
already in motion.

I'm paying you money
for, for results.

- For the record,
I am categorically
opposed to any of this.

It isn't right.

What happened to Beverly Wood
was a gross miscalculation

on our part.

We still don't know of any
long-haul side effects.

- Like total body implosion.

- Would you get over the
total body implosion already?

- It can happen.

- Yes, it could
be a possibility.

- Finally, you admit it.

Eh.

- That doesn't
sound cool at all.

- It isn't.

- I really don't
wanna melt, Brian.

- Oh, oh you won't, baby.

I promise-ish.

- Oh, I assure you,
you won't melt.

If anything, total
body implosion.

- #HereWeGoAgain.

- Okay, the minute something
happens, you contact me.

I got a fight to promote.

(tense music)

Let's go.

(tense suspenseful music)

(triumphant music)

This is it. This is it.

- Turn it up. Turn it up.

- Jack Jackson here.

Hot off the presses,
ladies, gentlemen,

and sports fans of
all stripes and types.

Gee whiz, I don't know where
the hell this came from,

or what the hell
they were thinking,

but I know I'll be watching.

Fortunova promotions
dropped word

of this David and Goliath
story just a few minutes ago.

Featuring former socialite and
social media star influencer,

along with a slew
of other job titles

that aren't really
jobs, Beverly Wood.

You might remember her as
the 50-foot demolitionist

who crushed half the
city with her hind end.

She will be on the bill
against newcomer, Anna Conda.

Boy, I'd like to see
how she got that name.

In an all out, no holds barred,

good old-fashioned cat fight,

not unlike the one
happening right behind me.

The promoter calls this one
"War of the Girlgantuas."

Jesus Christ sucking
down a fruit cup.

That poor girl. Expect
a blood bath here, gang.

Tale of the tape
says that Anna Conda

stands a towering
five foot nothing.

She's gonna need an extra
bowl of Wheaties that morning,

I tell you.

What's that? Conda sets
her lady bubbles on fire.

Folks, this might just
give her the edge she needs

in this bout.

We're gonna have to find out.

Until more freaky news rolls in,

this is Jack Jackson saying,

keep hitting and
kicking those balls.

- Oh my god.

That was so exciting, to
see my face on TV again.

- I, I still don't
know about this.

- Don't know about what?
That was definitely my face.

- Yeah, I know that.
And, it's gorgeous.

But to be honest, I, I
don't like any of this.

I, I feel like they're
exploiting you all over again.

- But now I know I am.
Now I can control it.

- I'm just waiting for
the other shoe to drop.

- With $50 million?

The only other shoe that's
gonna drop is my custom Prada.

Just kidding. I'm a working
girl wearing working boots.

But, that money will really
help us dig out and set up.

- I suppose so, uh.

- I know so. You deserve
to be pampered too.

You've been so good to me.

- I don't know.

- Mike, as if you
didn't know it already,

my entire giant heart
belongs only to you.

I'm never gonna go
back to my old ways.

You've taught me what's
really important.

- And what's that?

- It's the little
things that matter.

And you're pretty little, bud.

(whimsical music)

(Bev laughs)

(whimsical music)
(Bev moaning)

(drill whirring)
(Bev moaning)

(spacecraft roars)

(computer whirring)

- Computer.

- [Computer] Yes?

- Scan for that
big little bitch.

(computer imitates beeping)

Gah!

(hand thuds)

(deep serious music)

- This could be it.

- Cross your digits.

- This needs to happen, now.

- You've said that
20 times already.

- Well, this time I mean it.

It's fight night!

(hand smacks)

- If this fails, it
means you've failed.

Which means I've failed.
And I don't fail.

You read me?

- Yeah. Okay.

- So, who's gonna eat it?

- You care who eats it?

- No.

- Well then, you eat it.

- No, no, no, no,
no. You eat it.

- No, no, no, no. You eat it.

- No, no, no. I insist.

- No, I insist.

- I insist infinity
times squared.

- I got into science
because I was tired

of being surrounded by morons.

Yet, here I am.

The purpose of the
experiment was to replicate

and cure world hunger.

The gigantism is an
undesirable side effect.

Don't you get it? It
doesn't have to be eaten.

It just has to replicate.
That's the first step.

If it replicates, we know
we're on the right track.

(deep ominous music)

- Fuck that shit. I
ain't eatin' that.

(hotdog squeaking and whining)

(wind whipping)

(foot stomps)
(rock crackles)

- Who you betting on you?

- You crazy?

Of course my money's on the
jolly pink giant over there.

- You don't even like her.

- I like making money.

- What if I told you
that Anna Conda gal

sets her major yabos
on fire for fun.

- That's half the youth
of today. They're nuts.

I'm still betting it all on Bev.

(rock thuds)

- Why don't you two
take a long break?

(light-hearted music)

Hey, Bev.

- Hey, Mike.

- Can you come over here so
we can talk for a second?

- Is everything okay?

- Yeah. I, no, I, I don't know.

- What is it?

- This fight.

There's something that's
been nagging at me.

I mean, you're a big girl.

- Ha, ha.

- You know what I mean.

You're gonna make
your own decisions

and do what you wanna do.

But I just want you to know

that I wish you
would reconsider.

- Why is that?

- (sighs) Because I care
about you, that's why.

Because I love you.
That's also why.

- Really? You've never
told me that before.

- Well, it needed to be
said, because it's true.

- Then, say it again.

- I love you, Beverly Wood.

- I love you too, Mike.

I've wanted to tell
you for so long,

but I was scared of being
the first person to say it.

- All right, now,
about this fight.

- You've supported
me for so long

through the good and the bad.

Way bad, mostly bad.

- I don't think I like
where this is going.

- And, I'm not just doing it
for me. I'm doing it for us.

- I just hope you can
see from my perspective.

- I wish I could from this
vantage point, literally,

so many bald spots up here.

I'm not doing this just for
me. I'm doing this for us.

- Well, it sounds like
you've made up your mind.

So let's do this the
only way we know how.

- And how's that?

- Big.

- I love you so much. I want
the whole world to hear it.

I love you, Mike.
I love you, Mike.

I love you, Mike.

I love you, Mike.
(glass shatters)

I love you, Mike.

- Computer.

- [Computer] Yes?

- Locate the source
of that hideous sound.

- [Computer] Oh,
I got you, girl.

(digital beeping)
(upbeat music)

- Gigi Randall, on location
at Oil Beback Refinery.

This site has been pumping
crude for almost a century.

But, in less than a month,
the main event happening here

will be a heart-pumping
excitement

the likes we've
never seen before.

This is "War of
the Girlgantuas."

On one side, the once
popular, and now polarizing

social media bombshell,
Beverly Wood.

50 feet tall, and God
knows how much she weighs.

On the other side, rising
star of the squared circle

and beyond, Anna Conda.

Clocking in at
five-foot-four, and listen,

don't ask a woman how
much she weighs, okay?

Just don't do it.

Anyway, this is "War
of the Girlgantuas."

(relaxed drumming music)

We're fortunate to have both
opponents with us today,

where both have set
aside their beef

for this exclusive interview.

Who are we rooting for?
Who is the villain?

Anna, can you tell us, why
did you choose this fight?

Why this hill to die on?
Cause you, you are gonna die.

You know that, right?

Beverly, same question.

- I'm strictly about the money.

- Fair enough.

- This isn't about the
money for me. Never, ever.

- Then what is it, exactly?

- Fame.

Maybe the money.

- By the way, your
hair? It's crunchy.

- That's something,

coming from the
Burlington Throat Factory.

(Bev gasps)

(wind whipping)

- These ladies know how to
go straight for the jugular.

You're not gonna wanna
miss this one gang.

Call your pay-per-view
provider today.

One month away. One night only.

This is "War of the
Girlgantuas." Back to you, Jack.

- And, there you have it, folks.

Crunchy hair, don't care.

Who will be victorious at
the "War of the Girlgantuas?"

(slow somber music)

- Today is Monday the 21st.

Dr. Dennis has pulled the
specimen from the solution

and placed it on the plate.

- What trial number is this?

- This is trial number 69.

(Dennis and Brian laughing)

- I, I, I, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

What trial number is this again?

- This is trial number 69.

(Dennis and Brian laugh)

- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
It's wrong, it's so wrong.

- What is so funny about 69?

- Nothing.
- Oh, it's funny.

- Nothing at all.
- It's classic.

Goes back to the million--

- Oh, ew. I get it.

And I'm ignoring you.

Traphadites.

- Ah, my favorite dinosaur.

- Well?

- Well.

- Get on with it. No failure.

- Well, here goes nothing.

And when I say nothing, please,
please, don't be nothing.

- Maybe a good luck drum roll?

- Oh.
- Okay.

(hands slapping)

- Ah!

(slow tense music)

(hotdog crunches)

- That's uh, that's like flacid.

- (sighs) Nothing.

- And now we commence
trial number 70.

Any jokes about that one?

- Oh no, because you
know why? 70's not funny.

- Because I've always thought
70 is a much livelier number.

Am I right ladies?

(Anna yelling)

(electricity buzzing)

- What's goin' on?

- Ooh, ooh, ooh.

(electricity buzzing)
- Oh, oh, oh!

Oh, oh, oh!

- And 69 it is.

- Incredible.

- It's inedible.

- Oh! No, no, no.
- Oh, no.

No, no, no. Oh god, no.

I said incredible, not edible.

- [Brian] So, what now?

- Total body implosion.

(tense music swells)

(wind whipping)

(water splashes)

- What gives?

- If we're gonna go
through with this,

you gotta be prepared.

Get up. Let's get cracking.

I'm gonna teach you to wrestle,
how to box, and how to bite.

(bold inspirational music)

Chicks don't fight
fair, believe me.

If you're gonna box,
want your hands up high,

guard your head, right?

All right, don't throw out here,

'cause then they're
gonna hit you right here.

Tight. Tight, everything's
tight. All right?

Just don't, don't throw one
punch, throw multiple punches.

One, two, three,
four. All right?

Then do it fast.

All right?

Got you punching, and now,

I want you to throw
a kick, all right?

Straightforward.

(fist thuds)

All right, you wanna go straight
at her. Right in her nose.

(foot thuds)

(toy truck whizzing)

(toy truck crashes)

- Nice wrecking boot.

- Yeah, beats what we got.

- And if she comes running
at you, you're gonna wrestle,

she's gonna come
try to grab you,

and you want duck down,
grab and come up and then,

slam her down.

(fists thud)

(bold inspirational music)

This is not gonna be easy.

That's good. (chuckles)

(gentle music)

(electricity buzzing)

(Dennis chuckles)

- Holy Carl Sagan.

- Say again.

- Holy Carl Sagan.
We've done it.

Yes! We can get Beverly
back to normal. (laughs)

(spacecraft whirring)

- Computer.

- [Computer] What?

- Location of the source.

- [Computer] Girl,
I don't even know.

- Do it.

- [Computer] God, I
was paying my so cutes.

I call 'em that because
they're so cute.

- Now!

- [Computer] Okay,
geez. Go that-a way.

No, that-a way.

- Your ass is mine now, bitch.

- [Computer] Yeah!

- Ah!

- Miss Wood, Miss Wood, Beverly.

- Hey.

- We did it, we really did it.

- Congratulations. I knew
you wouldn't die a virgin.

- Oh, well, ew.

That wasn't what I was
talking about. Not even close.

- I'm sure there's still time.

- Beverly, we've
successfully recreated

the mystery modified protein.

- Beverly Wood's Unholy--

- Meatrimony. I know,
I know. Yes, that one.

- I named--

- All by yourself.
What an achievement.

The point is, the
re-experiment is a success.

The hotdog replicated.

- Whoo-hoo.

- (scoffs) Honestly,
I'm a bit shocked.

I thought you'd be
beside yourself.

- I'm one big bitch, not two.

- I don't think you're
quite grasping this,

so let me be more specific.

This means we can reverse
engineer the specimen.

- Beverly Wood's Unholy--

- Stop it. Just stop it.

It's literally the worst name

for a world-changing
product ever.

- I liked it. I
thought it was rad.

- You would.

- Beverly Wood.

(Lana sighs)

- Experiment success.

You, small, now. (fingers snap)

- You mean you successfully
recreated the meat experiment

and reverse synthesized it

so that I can be a
normal-sized human again?

- Yes, exactly.

- Why didn't you just say that?

- I really don't know.

- Yay. Goodbye, big bitch.

Hello, shoe and
panties shopping free.

- Yay. Retail therapy. (laughs)

- Could this thing work?

- Per our calculations,

I'm confident to a
1/10th of a percentile

of a 100% success.

This can and will
happen, baby. (giggles)

- Hmm.

- What's wrong? I thought
this is what you wanted.

- More than anything in the
world, to be normal sized again,

to really be with Mike.

- Then why the #SadFace?

- The fight, it's tomorrow.

- Then hold off.

- We really need the money.

Look at me, I'm shaking.

- That explains the tremors.

- Screw it. How
soon can we do this?

- How soon can you be at my lab?

- Color me gone, and pink.

(deep tense music)

(spacecraft roaring)

(tense ominous music)

(computer laughs)

- Ah!

(spacecraft swooshes)

(wind whipping)

- A tall-stack
snack. Where are you?

A little something for
good luck tomorrow.

Not that you're gonna need it.

And uh, show you
how much I love you.

Bev, honey?

My tall-stack snack.

Where are you?

(wind whipping)

There you are.

(intriguing music)

- Not who you were
expecting, huh?

- What the hell is this?

- The edge I needed.

- Oh, this is not good.

You don't know what
you're messing with.

- I do, and I love it.

I have always been
bigger than life.

A woman eventually
grows into herself.

I just needed a little
something to get me there.

- You're even bigger
than she is now.

- 60 feet and worth the climb.

- Well wait, if, if, if
the doctors made you tall,

then maybe they
could reverse it.

- Why would anybody
not want this?

- No, it is a curse. Trust me.

- Spoken like the little
bug of a man that you are.

- Does, does Beverly know
about this, about you?

- Wanted to reveal myself
just before the fight.

Watch her cower. (laughs)

The ultimate mind fuck.

Where is she?

- I wish I knew.

- She better not be a
no-show tomorrow, or else.

- Or else, what?

- Or else this. (screaming)

(Anna yelling)
(buildings crashing)

(Anna yells)

(foot stomps)

(Anna yells)

(buildings crashing)

(Anna yells)

(adventurous music)

(Anna yells)

(adventurous music)

(objects crash)

(Anna yells)

- And here we are, sports fans,

the day of judgment
known around the world

as "War of the Girlgantuas."

Beverly Wood, Anna
Conda, an epic cat fight

taking place right here
at Oil Beback Refinery.

Who will be victorious
and who will be suffering

the agony of the defetish?

Sorry, Freudian slip there.

Who will suffer the
agony of defeminism?

Ah, that sounds bad too.

Again.

Who will be going home with
their tail between their legs?

Eh, shit.

Eh, fuck it. Keep it.

Nobody cares about me anymore.

Let's check in with our
opponents. Shall we?

(crowd cheering)

- I knew it. She's
too chicken to show.

- Oh no, she's around
here somewhere.

- Do you see her? I mean,
you can't really miss her.

- She's here.

All right, she's gonna show.

She's probably
getting a pep talk

from her little
rock digger friend.

She's scared. You've got
the element of surprise.

Nobody, nobody could
have expected you.

All of you.

- What if she doesn't
show? I'll look stupid.

- If she doesn't, she
forfeits, and a win is a win.

- I came here for a
glorious bloodbath!

This is not a
glorious bloodbath!

(crowd chattering)
(tense music)

(steam sizzles)

- Jack Jackson reporting
on this colossal event

of epic proportions,

breaking all reported
pay-per-view records.

There are a lot of freaks out
there in the home audience,

all tuning in for--

(glass clinks)
(intense music)

Beverly Wood, Anna Conda.

Who will survive, and
what will be left of them?

The main event starts
right here, right now.

Let's get to it.

- Hey, where the hell is she?

- No idea.

- Well find her. You know
how much is riding on this.

(tense music)

- Do you think we're
safe standing here?

- Absolutely, no
question about it.

- So, were you able
to shrink her down?

- Trust me, just stay with me.

(anticipatory music)

- Hope you didn't do
anything stupid, Bev.

- We seem to be missing
one of the girls.

Beverly Wood is missing.

- She's too scared to show
her face without a filter?

Come on! I wanna fight somebody?

Who wants to come
down and tussle?

I don't wanna waste
my murder mode.

(spacecraft roaring)

(daunting music)

(screen buzzes)

- Greetings, sluts.

I have traveled the
reaches of time and space

to meet the call of battle.

- Oh my god.

- I don't even know
what the hell this is,

but let's watch and find out.

- You will answer that call,
or I will hang up on your ass.

- Who the hell are you?

- I am Spa-Zor, reigning
warrior champion

of Buxomus and beyond.

- Space Whore?

- Fool!

Another slip of the tongue and
you will be choked with it,

for I am Spa-Zor.

- That's what I
said, Space Whore.

- Spa-Zor!

- Yeah, Space Whore.

- Insolence.

- In a serious turn of
events, a space whore,

presumably a whore from space,

has challenged our
lone contestant.

This could be pretty cool.

- You will accept my
challenge, or you will die.

Well, accept or not,
and you will die.

The choice is not
yours. Get it? Tramp.

- Shut your space whore mouth,
and get your ass down here

and face me like a real woman.

- A real woman?

Nay, for I am not
passive aggressive.

I'm aggressive aggressive.

- Get your ass down here.

- You will soon feel my wrath,
earth insect, Beverly Wood.

- Beverly Wood? I'm not
Beverly Wood. I'm Anna Conda.

- Lies. For there's only
one giant amongst your kind,

and it is thy, Beverly Wood.

- You've got the
wrong bitch, bitch.

- You will do battle with me,

or all will suffer the
consequences of your cowardice.

And when I win,

I will bring your head to
my home planet as a trophy.

And all your wussy
race will be enslaved.

Earth will bite the
big one. (laughs)

- And if I win?

- You will not.

- It's up to you, baby.

- For every 13 Earth seconds

you make me wait for a decision,

I will destroy a beloved
monument of your people.

- Why 13 seconds?
That's so random.

- Deal with it!

Space to Earth time
conversion is a real bitch.

To prove the gravity of
the situation, behold.

(laser buzzes)

(stone explodes)

How do you like
those space apples?

- I kinda like it.

- Time is running out.

- You have to listen to me.

I am Anna Conda,
not Beverly Wood.

- Three, two, one. Time's up.

(laser buzzes)

(rock explodes)

- It's kind of a fetish, right?

- Do you heed the
warrior's call?

- I'm thinking. 'Cause I kinda
like how you're redecorating.

- Three, two, one. Gotcha!

(rock explodes)

- No!

- Had enough?

- I'm telling you, you've
got the wrong girl.

I am Anna Conda,
not Beverly Wood.

- I don't care if you're
Gertrude McGillicutty.

Fight me or perish.

- You kinda gotta do it,
right? No fight, no money.

- This isn't about the money.
This is about saving Earth.

- Whatever fills
your jugs, babe.

- Okay, space
snatch. Let's rumble.

- I thought you'd never ask.

Whoo! Yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah.

(spacecraft swooshing)

(electricity buzzing)

(hands clap)

Shall we?

- Hell yeah.

(bold adventurous music)

(Anna groaning)

- Oh, oh my god.

(bold adventurous music)

(Spa-Zor grunts)

(bold adventurous music)

- It's the battle of the planet.

The battle of the planet!

(women grunting and groaning)
(bold adventurous music)

(laser hisses)

That's an alien thing.
That's not fair.

(bold adventurous music)

(women grunting and groaning)
(bold adventurous music)

(Spa-Zor grunts)

- Give up yet?

- Never!

- I knew you were
a dumb-ass hoe.

Your head is gonna look
so good above my mantle!

- Hey.

- God, your timing sucks, Bev.

- Get off my planet, bitch.

- Who the fuck are you?

(intense music)

(oil explodes)

(steel clangs)

(intense music)

(women grunting)

- Bev, I love you, Beverly.

I believe in you!

(oil sploshing)

(bold daunting music)

(women grunting)

Yeah!

(Spa-Zor cries out)

(Anna grunts)

- Girl, you're done. Tits up.

- You must do what
needs to be done.

- I promised my boyfriend

I wouldn't get
stupid drunk anymore.

- Not that, the ultimate finish.

- Pee in the street,
then crawl home.

- You dumb-ass hoes.

- Then what?

- You must end me!

- Here? Everyone's watching.

- Kill me! You have to kill
me! For the love of Petunia.

- Ew.

- Not ew, it is
the warrior's way.

Do not shame me by killing me
like some totally lame loser.

- Hold that thought.

What are we gonna do with her?

- I say we oft the bitch.

- Ew, harsh.

- [Anna] That's what she wants.

- What Mike taught me about
being an actually good person

is you can't always
get what you want.

- Yeah, Bev. Whoo!

- Holy moley, folks.

This was the most amazing
thing I've ever seen.

I don't think I'm
gonna be forgetting
about it anytime soon.

Are you? Of course you won't.

This is Jack Jackson
closing out the show here

at Oil Beback Refinery.

- All she needs is a
really good spanking.

- I think you're right.

(hands slapping)

(spacecraft whirring)

Good riddance.

- Yay, Earth. (laughs)

(Dennis laughs)

Mm.

- Oh really now?

- That was one and done.

I'm just so happy to be
living another day. (laughs)

- I'll allow it.

- Congratulations! (laughs)

You know what just came to me?

I think I can get you two
double-booked in Vegas.

- That's what happens
when friends set aside

their differences, right?

- Are we friends now?

- Yes. Best of besties.

- Yay, I've never had one!

- Great job, ladies.

I am so proud of both of you.

Hey everyone, we're
all gonna get laid.

(oil wells explode)

(bold orchestral music)

* Beverly, Beverly

* Why can't you see

* Beverly, oh Beverly

* Play tricks on me

* How can I leave it

* Something's got a hold on me

* 'Cause I can
count your kisses *

* One, one, two, three

* Girlfriend, play
house with me *

* Girlfriend, doctor,
nurse we'll be *

* Girlfriend, stay with me

* Beverly, oh Beverly