Giantess Attack vs. Mecha Fembot (2019) (2019) - full transcript
THE EVIL SPACE QUEEN METALUNA UNLEASHES A GIANT FEMALE CYBORG TO DESTROY AN ANIMAL SHELTER. CAN DIEDRE AND FRIDA OVERCOME THEIR ANIMOSITY AND DESTROY THE TITANIC ROBOT?
[air whooshing]
[wind whirring]
[bats screeching]
[wings flapping]
[upbeat music]
[ship whooshing]
[ship crashing]
- Hello little people!
[upbeat music]
I'm your host, Katey Sagal.
You know me from "Futurama,"
but what you probably
have never seen
is the failed TV show
"Giantess Attack,"
one of the many 1990's
ripoff of the popular show,
Super Power Morph, range,
whatever, you remember
that show. [chuckles]
"Giants Attacks" offered
up less-guided mashup
of "Ultraman" and
foot fetish videos.
Although 24 episodes
were filmed,
this cringe-worthy
sexist slop was pulled
after just two episodes and
replaced with reruns of,
you guessed it,
"Married with Children."
"Oh, Al."
So let's jump back to the
'90s with zippo zammo.
Is that what they? [chuckles]
Are we done?
Great. Can you make that
check out to Katey Sagal?
Yeah, my agent doesn't need
to know about this actually.
Actually, do you have cash?
♪ Four, three, two, one
[upbeat music]
♪ Zippo, Zammo
♪ Earth under attack
♪ Monsters from space
♪ Loser actors
♪ Time to save the human race
♪ Don't go
♪ Giantess Attack
♪ Smash, smash
♪ Giantess Attack
♪ Crush, crush
♪ Giantess Attack
♪ Kick 'em where it counts
♪ Big boss will hire you
to play Minnie Mouse ♪
♪ Now you delusional divas
are bigger than a house ♪
♪ Don't go
♪ Giantess Attack
♪ Don't go
♪ Giantess Attack
♪ Don't go
- [Announcer] Brought to you by.
[soft music]
- [Voiceover] Every day,
pets starve and die,
forgotten, abused,
unloved, unwanted.
This is Aspen. Aspen
has a broken hip.
Captain Snuggle Bottoms
has two broken legs.
Unless you give us money,
these animals will die.
And it will be all your fault.
Yes, without your contributions,
these animals will all die.
Tonight.
When you lie
comfortably in your bed,
think about these animals
living in garbage and filth,
with their broken little bodies
and their shattered
little minds,
and you didn't
give a dime to us.
You didn't lift a finger
to help these animals.
You don't wanna be
a horrible person.
Get out that credit
card. Help us.
Call 866-867-5309 to make
your donations today.
[upbeat music]
[wind howling]
- [Narrator] My life
fades. The vision dims.
All that remain are memories.
I remember a time
of great chaos.
Ruined dreams.
A wasted land.
But most of all, I
remember, Diedre and Frida,
the Giantess Attack team.
To understand who they were,
you have to go back to
the previous episode.
[upbeat music]
On our last episode,
Diedre and Frida's
substance-abuse problems
cost them their
jobs on the show,
"Battle Babe and Combat Queen."
The show was canceled.
The director and crew were now
unemployed and vowed revenge.
Twin space fairies
called the Metalunans
gave the girls magic wands
called BetaMax capsules.
These capsules gave
Diedre and Frida
the ability to grow giant
and fight monsters
threatening the Earth.
The drunken duo set the
fairies on fire, grew giant,
battled the military, and left
Hollywood in flaming ruins.
In a dispute over residuals,
Frida devoured her own agent.
Both girls sexually
assaulted General Kigore,
leaving him a
mentally-broken man.
Frida lost her BetaMax capsule,
and Diedre retreated to her
fortress of immeasurable guilt.
Both were unaware the
surviving space fairy
planned to launch a
devastating attack
on the entire human race.
[soft music]
♪ Why at last
♪ You're with me
[soft music continues]
[soft rock music]
[soft rock music continues]
[soft rock music continues]
[birds chirping]
- Get this thing away from me!
[birds chirping]
[water rushing]
I will never grow giant again.
I've seen the dark side.
I will never do it again.
Never!
- Wow, Dr. Drew,
your lecture on robotic
technology was fascinating.
Do you really think
that AI computers
are just around the corner?
[whimsical music]
- Yes, and
congratulations on winning
that Hooter's bikini contest.
Can I give you a lift home?
- Sure. Are you
headed to Chatsworth?
- Um, sure.
So you see, quantum computers
are the only logical way
to achieve artificial
intelligence in machines.
- Because of the random
variables in quantum physics?
- Well, based on my
miniaturized computer system-
[phone ringing]
Hold on, I gotta take this.
[dramatic music]
[phone beeping]
[tires screeching]
[Laura screams]
[horns honking]
[Drew grumbling]
Uh, yeah, um, you like
a pretty bright girl.
Would you like to be my
assistant in a robotic project?
[phone beeping]
[whimsical music]
- Look out!
[pedestrian screams]
[stroller crashes]
[baby cries]
[Laura screams]
- Outta the way, you moron!
- You can, can you
just just pull over?
- I got a stalker on my phone.
- No, you can just let me
out, okay. I can take the bus.
- Hold on.
[phone beeping]
- No, no, just, please, just
let me out here. I walk.
[car twinkling]
- Hold your horses. Geez!
[dramatic music]
- Dr. Drew?
- Hold on!
- Um.
[whimsical music]
[engines revving]
[Laura sobs]
[dramatic music]
[Laura sobs]
[dog barking]
[cat shrieks]
[whimsical music]
[Laura shouts]
[dramatic music]
[dog panting]
[Laura screams]
[Laura whimpering]
[dog growling]
[dog chomps]
[Laura screaming]
[Diedre laughing]
[Kigore muttering]
- I gotta get away.
I gotta, giant women.
[upbeat rock music]
No! Giant women!
[Kigore screaming]
[water rushing]
[soft music]
[door knocking]
[glass shattering]
[Frida exclaims]
- Were you followed?
- No one would
recognize me. Or you.
Worked for Wonder Woman.
Hey, maybe we can get a job
dusting off old statues.
- [chuckles] "Wonder Woman" is
a stupid movie. This is real.
And we're in real big trouble!
- What are you talking about?
With this power, we have
the world at our fingertips.
Literally.
- You do. We lost one
of our BetaMax capsules.
And I never want it back.
Just take it and go!
- What happened to my BFFL?
- We destroyed a city together.
I think it's time we separate
and see other superheroes.
[Frida gasps]
- Til death to us parts.
- We killed movie stars.
- What's Battle Bay
without Combat Girl?
That's like the Green
Lantern without Bruce Lee.
Like Atreyu without
Falkor, the luck dragon.
Come on, Diedre.
- Get that thing away from me!
[Frida exclaims]
- Come on. Diedre.
Put up the glasses.
- No.
- Come on. No one ever
recognizes Clark Kent.
Or Wonder Woman.
- Get those stupid
glasses away from me!
[dramatic music]
- We have been given a power!
Whether you like it
or not, we are a team.
[both shouting]
- You better find
yourself a place to hide
and pray nobody finds you there.
- Put on the glasses!
- Stay away from me!
- Put on the glasses
like Wonder Woman!
- Stay away from me!
[Frida grunting]
[objects crashing]
[rock music]
- You dumb bitch!
Put the glasses on.
No?
Well here goes your
toothpick fortress.
[objects clattering]
- Not my dream!
[Diedre shouting]
[Frida laughing]
[both shouting]
Enough with the fucking glasses!
[both grunting]
[objects crashing]
[both grunting]
[wood cracking]
- Those are perfect fucking
glasses! [indistinct]
[objects clattering]
[both shouting]
[both grunting]
[both chattering indistinctly]
[both grunting]
[both panting]
[toy chirping]
So you're really not
gonna put on the glasses?
[glass shatters]
[toy chirping]
- Look at my fortress
of immeasurable guilt!
[rock music]
[both grunting]
[capsule thuds]
[somber music]
[door slams]
- [Frida] You are my BFF.
- No! You are my BFFL.
- Goddamn, you are my BFFLTDDUP.
Best friends for life,
till death do us part.
[both laughing]
[both shouting]
- Girl, looks like
you found a big guy
for your awesomely big needs.
- [chuckles] Totally.
- Totally.
[Diedre chuckles]
- My BFF!
[both chuckling]
- BFFLTDDDDDDP.
[Diedre spitting]
[Frida laughing]
- P?
- Yeah!
[indistinct]
[somber music continues]
[soft piano music]
- [Voiceover] Every day,
pets starve and die,
forgotten, abused,
unloved, unwanted.
This is Aspen. Aspen
has a broken hip.
Captain Snuggle bottoms
has two broken legs.
- [Drew] I will never
help you in your mad quest
to build a cyborg!
- Unless you give us money,
these animals will die.
And it will be all your fault.
- You might as well let me go.
You'll never get what you want!
- These animals will all die.
[Metaluna giggling]
- What the hell are
you laughing at?
That is the worst
commercial ever!
- [Voiceover] You don't
wanna be a horrible person.
- You are a horrible,
horrible person!
- [Voiceover] Get
out that credit card
and help these starving cats.
Call 866-867-
[Metaluna laughing]
To make your donations today.
- [sniffles] You're right.
I am a terrible,
terrible person.
From a terrible planet.
Millions and millions
and millions of miles
away. [sniffles]
I just thought that I
could bring some peace
to the planet that
I now call home.
[sniffles] Nobody wants me.
I mean, just look at me.
[Drew exhales]
Who would want me?
Just leave me. Leave me!
I don't belong here.
I don't belong anywhere.
I'm just gonna go
somewhere and end it all.
Just go! [sighs]
- Okay. Bye.
[Metaluna sobbing]
All right, see ya.
Um, could you make me big again?
Well, you could
change, couldn't you?
- What? You think I can change?
Do you think I have the power
to change to be a good person?
- Yes, I do, Meta.
I believe you have the
power of good in you.
- Thank you for believing in me.
You've made me
believe in myself.
I owe you everything.
- Hey, I'm just here to help.
- Drew, I've never
had a human before.
- And I haven't been laid since
the Clinton administration.
[Metaluna giggling]
[playful music]
- I love you, Drew.
- Hey, sexy alien.
- What! Me?
- How about after we get to
know each other a little better,
I throw together
that robot you want.
- Oh, Drew, you're the greatest.
Do you like that?
- Oh yeah.
- Oh, and this?
- [Drew] This is the
greatest day of my life.
[Metaluna shouting
in foreign language]
[Metaluna laughing]
- [Drew] You are the
greatest woman ever.
- So long, brother. [sighs]
[clapboard clapping]
Yeah.
Ooh, hello.
[chuckles] Oh yeah.
Oh.
What have we here?
[Jimmy chuckles]
[air whooshing]
Go, go, power putang.
[grunts] I have the
power in my hands.
Can you feel it? Mm!
[Jimmy laughs]
[phone rings]
Oh!
What is it?
- Yeah, yeah, yes,
yes, yes, of course.
I will, uh, meet you
at the conference room.
I'll be right there.
All right. [chuckles]
Right this way, ladies.
And welcome to the wonderful
world where magic happens.
And I'm gonna say,
wow! [chuckles]
It is so cool that you girls
dressed up in character.
- Yeah, I dress
like this every day.
- I dressed like Wonder Woman.
- Hmm. Well, it's a
pleasure to meet you both.
My name is Jimmy. Jimmy
Blowfeld. [chuckles]
This is actually my
brother's office, Joel.
My brother raped, repped
a lot of top talent
for TV and the web.
[dramatic music]
He, um.
He.
[suspenseful music]
- Goin' good now, baby.
[objects crashing]
What! Are you kidding me!
The worst day.
This is the worst!
[objects crashing]
[tires screeching]
[alarms blaring]
[objects crashing]
[explosion booming]
[people screaming]
What the hell?
Oh, Jesus Christ!
Whoa!
[car crashes]
No. No, Fria, wait.
We can work it out. Put me down.
Please put me down.
I'll make you a big star.
You'll, you'll be
bigger than ever.
You'll be huge.
- Joel, I am a big star.
It's the pictures that
have gotten smaller.
- Oh! Put put me down.
Frida, come on. It's me.
Frida, don't. Spit!
Don't swallow. Yes, spit please.
Spit. Spit, don't swallow.
Whoa!
- Mm!
- No.
- Mm, Joel. I always swallow.
- Well, let's just say
the work swallowed him up,
and he is taking some
well-deserved time off.
How rude of me.
Please, sit down.
So have you two heard
of the hit show,
"Battle Bath and Combat Queen"?
- [Both] What?
- It's a children's show.
It's on Saturday mornings.
- I like to sleep in
on Saturday mornings.
- It is a superhero show,
and I'm looking to replace the
two stars on this hit show.
Huh? Huh?
Huh? [laughs]
Doesn't that make you
girls hot? [chuckles]
Huh.
- Yeah. I was in
that hip prison show.
- Yeah, that, the prison show.
I see you play Lesbian.
Lesbian guard. Lesbian prisoner.
Lesbian Gang Rape Victim.
- Yeah. I'm straight,
but I do gay for pay.
- Amber.
- You wanna see my tits?
- I don't recognize
any of these titles.
- I've been in
over 300 features.
- Hmm.
- None of them are on Netflix.
I'm in "Game of Bones: Winters
Coming, All Over Your Face."
It's not on Netflix.
- Oh, no, no, wait a minute.
I'm sorry-
- And!
I'm in "Last Whorehouse
On The Left."
"Anal Training Day."
"Slut Puppies." Part 12.
- Oh, no, I'm so sorry.
I didn't realize I was
auditioning for a porn here.
- No, no, no-
- I'm sorry.
- This is, this is not a porn.
- I'm a serious actress.
Like, I'm gonna be the
next Jennifer Lawrence.
[Amber chuckles]
I can't work with this.
- With what?
- I mean, this could be a
very bad move for my career.
- This is a children's show.
It's for children.
Look, I, I'm trying to
make you both stars.
You should be
kissing my right now.
- You know, I'm a
serious artist too.
I won an AVN Award for
"Desperate House Whores."
Hmm?
[Jimmy moans]
Do you think that
Jennifer Lawrence
could shove this
and do dialogue?
- Why the hell
would she want to?
And what kind of agent has
a vibrator on their desk?
- You know, I don't, I
don't even know what this is
or where it came from,
but just look-
- Okay.
- Let me tell you something.
You both are blowing a huge
opportunity for fame here.
Thought maybe you could
be blowin' something
else right now.
- Yeah. I think this is
gonna be a bad career move.
- Uh, wait a minute!
Don't you work at that
coffee shop on La Brea?
[chuckles] Career?
Top off that coffee, bitch!
That's your career. [laughs]
- I have never been so
insulted in my life.
- Hey! You watch your
the ta-tas, superstar!
- Oh yeah?
- Yeah!
Do you want a piece of me, Fran?
Oh, is it Frank?
- I'm a black belt
in karate, bitch.
You don't wanna fuck with me.
- You know what,
like most actresses-
[ominous music]
- Gimme that!
- You are blowing
a big opportunity right now,
but you'd rather have nothing.
So get out!
[capsule thuds]
[air twinkling]
- You're lucky I don't
shove a boot up your ass!
- Oh, you think you can take me?
- Blindfolded.
- Okay, well let me just
take my shoes off then.
- Why?
- Because black belt
experts never fight
with their shoes on.
- Oh, okay.
Yeah. Let me give you time
to take your shoes off.
[Fran exclaims]
[Amber laughing]
[dramatic music]
- Girls, I'm not really feeling
the chemistry right now,
so why don't I call you-
- You know what!
[both muttering]
- You think you're so-
- What the hell?
- I went to college!
[both muttering]
[suspenseful music]
- Oh yeah, how do you I wasn't
a master before you ever were,
you bitch!
- Oh, you don't know that!
[both shouting indistinctly]
- You having wet
dildos underwear!
- Hey!
[Joel screaming]
[Joel sobbing]
- How do you like that, bitch?
[teeth chomp]
Ow, my foot!
My foot! [groans]
- Gotta find some place to hide.
- You know what,
we're not over yet.
- I'm Wonder Woman, bitch!
- Bring it.
I'm gonna knock you out.
- Hold on.
- Oh, jeez Louise, I'm
not fighting a VD factory.
[Amber laughs]
- Laugh! [indistinct]
Like fighter thighs.
How do you like that, Fran?
Great?
Huh? What's the matter,
you can't talk, Franny?
[Fran murmuring]
[Fran gasps]
- Damn divas!
- How do you like
that, Fran? [laughs]
[Fran murmuring]
It's your Oscar clip, bitch.
It's your Oscar clip. [laughs]
[Fran murmuring]
[Joel shouting]
Ow!
- Where is he? Where
is that little creep?
Get out of there!
- Oh, you bitch!
I'm not taking this, where
is this little creep?
- [scoffs] Gay for pay, my ass!
[Amber gasps]
- Oh boy!
- What the fuck is that
little piece of shit?
[gasps] It's that scumbag agent.
He shrunk.
- Girls, I don't know what's
really happening right now,
but I think it's best if
you both should leave.
- I'm sorry I kicked
you in the cha-cha.
[upbeat music]
- It's okay.
It's not your fault.
- Damn right. It's his fault.
- Me?
- I've been through this before.
Creeps like him pitting
us against each other.
He's a little parasite.
- You know, I'm not
really gay for pay.
I've been hot for you
the second I saw you.
In your fucking dreams, bro.
- You wish!
[sirens blaring]
- Free screening. This
is a new show on NetTrax.
It's from the producers
of "Stranger Tales."
New show on NetTrax from the
producers of "Stranger Tales."
It's called "Cracked Up."
It's a free screening.
You'll love it. It takes
place in the 1980's.
You'll love it.
It's a great show.
It's a free screening.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome. Absolutely.
Hey, new show on NetTrax.
It's called "Cracked Up,"
from the producers
of "Stranger Tales."
Set in the 1980's.
All right, enjoy it.
Same producers of
"Stranger Tales."
Hi, folks. How you doing?
New show on NetTrax.
It's a free screening.
It takes place in the 1980's.
All right, take care. You bet.
Free screening,
everybody. Free screening.
This is from the producers
of "Stranger Tales."
Free screening. Free screening.
Who wants to attend?
You guys want to go
to a free screening?
From the producers
of "Stranger Tales."
It takes place in the 1980's.
It's called "Cracked
Up." See you there.
How you doing? Hey,
free screening here.
This is a new show on
NetTrax called "Cracked Up."
- I'll take it.
- Producers of the
"Stranger Tales,"
this takes place in the '80s.
- Is there free food
too or something? Or?
- [Both] You!
- Aren't you a member of
the Director's Movie Guild?
No, you can't go to this.
[ethereal music]
You can't nap in the
theater of course,
but hey, how you doing, man?
- Oh, I'm doing
great. Can't you tell?
This one I like better.
This is my first one.
But this one got me a free taco
or it might have been a gordida.
- Well, what happened
to the anime porn
that you were making?
- Uh, I got it,
but the lead actress said I
was sexually harassing her
during the octopus
tentacle gang rape scene.
I'm on the MeToo
movement's shit-list now.
The only thing I can
direct is traffic.
- Yeah, I hear you.
I'm wiped out too.
Who wants a middle-aged,
uh, camera operator?
[rock music]
I was banking money,
until "Battle Babe and
Combat Queen" got canceled.
[Jimmy shouting]
- No, please, let me go.
- Please!
- So do we get the part?
- No, stop, stop, stop. [gags]
- Do we get it?
[Jimmy gagging]
Do we get the part or not?
- Yeah, you are
the new Battle Babe
and Combat Queen, all right?
Now please let me go.
[Jimmy screaming]
- Hey, do you wanna
go to my coffee shop?
I'll make you a mocha frap.
- Sure.
- Okay, let's go.
[both laughing]
- Are you kidding me?.
[upbeat music]
- It's done.
- A great achievement.
- My life's work in robotics
have led to this grand-
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Power that baby up.
- You have to promise me
you'll use my robot for good.
Only good.
- I've changed, my pet.
Only good. [chuckles]
- To power up the robot, you
must sing the robot song.
- What?
- You must sing to the robot.
You must sing and promise her
you will use her for good.
Not evil.
- You've got to be kidding.
- It's the only
way to power it up.
And you gotta do a dance
number too. A whole musical.
- Uh, this-
- Her name is Mecha Fembot.
[Metaluna groans]
And you gotta get down
on your knees and bow
and stuff too. [chuckles]
[eerie dance music]
- Can't believe I'm doing this.
♪ Mecha Bot
♪ Mecha Bot
♪ Come to life
♪ Save the Earth
♪ Mecha Bot
♪ Mecha Bot
♪ Turn on your light
♪ And give birth
♪ Mecha Bot
♪ Mecha Bot
♪ Mecha Bot
[Drew laughing]
[eerie dance music continues]
♪ Mecha Bot
♪ Mecha Bot
[electricity sparking]
♪ Mecha Bot
♪ Mecha Bot
♪ Mecha Bot
[electricity sparking]
[Drew laughing]
[dramatic music]
What are you laughing at?
- [laughs] It's, the on
switch is right here.
[switch beeps]
[robot humming]
- What?
[Drew giggles]
You! You! [screams]
Dork!
- I love you Meta.
- Ah, shut up!
[Drew yells]
[Metaluna shouting]
[apparatus clattering]
[water rushing]
[birds chirping]
[somber music]
- What happened to my BFFL?
Till death do us part.
We have been given a power.
We are a team, whether
you like it or not.
What's Battle Babe
without Combat Queen?
That's like the Green
Lantern without Bruce Lee.
Like, like Atreyu without
Falkor, the luck dragon.
Come on, Diedre.
I wanna be your Falkor,
to ride on your hair.
I've always loved you, Diedre.
- You're both blowing a huge
opportunity for fame here.
Thought maybe you could
be blowin' something
else right now.
Go, go, power putang.
[record scratches]
- My BetaMax capsule!
I know where I left
it. Joel's office.
- Joel.
Dammit! That mother fucker
Jimmy, Joel's brother,
has my BetaMax capsule.
[ominous music]
Who are you?
- I'm with the gas company.
You have a gas leak.
Oh, that was a climb.
- I was just leaving.
You gotta come back.
- This has to be taken
care of right now.
- Sorry, I'm late. I gotta go.
- Ha! It's me!
- Holy shit.
- That's right. General
Schmelly Kigore Butler, III.
I'm back, biatch!
[dramatic music]
Time to die.
[Kigore laughing]
[soft music]
- Call 866-867-5309
to make your donations today.
You didn't call fast enough.
We had to take off
one of Aspen's legs.
Don't make us cut
off all her legs.
Donate today, before we have
to remove other body parts.
Help us with your donations.
Aspen will walk again.
[upbeat music]
[dramatic music]
- Mecha Bot, override
all your programming.
You will only obey me now.
- No!
- Do you understand me,
you dumb stupid metallic biatch?
[gears whirring]
The place where they shoot
this dumb animal shelter
commercial is two miles east.
Go there and
destroy the shelter.
Squash all the little
animals. [laughs]
- You fiend! You fiend!
- Go. Go now!
[robot whirring]
Squash everything in
your path! [laughs]
[footsteps stomping]
[glass shattering]
To the animal shelter
and victory! [laughs]
[building crashing]
[glass shattering]
[dramatic music]
[Metaluna laughing]
[building crashing]
[glass shattering]
- [Dispatcher] Report
of an explosion.
Waffle warehouse fire,
near Los Alamitos.
Please investigate.
- Roger that.
- Aww, poor little Drew.
You so silly. [laughs]
[helicopter blades whirring]
- [Pilot] Oh, my God!
Giant breasts, giant breasts!
[alarm blaring]
Giant breast!
- [laughs] Surprise!
[helicopter crashing]
[pilot screaming]
[explosion booming]
[sirens wailing]
- Got a report of a
chopper down near Alamitos.
- Roger.
- Humans are so stupid.
But it's still cute.
Goochie goo. What's wrong?
Are you mad at me? [laughs]
[sirens wailing]
[footsteps stomping]
[tires screeching]
- Oh! 920!
Oh, she's got our car.
[objects crashing]
[people screaming]
- Fuck the police! What
up, mother fuckers!
♪ You can tell me
[sirens wailing]
[objects crashing]
[horns honking]
[dramatic music continues]
Come on, dance
with me, babe. Woo!
[sirens wailing]
- "Battle Babe
and Combat Queen"?
Boy, I'd like to get my hands
on those two troublemakers.
[objects crashing]
[glass shattering]
- What's that?
- Probably 'cause of those
trouble-making broads.
- What's my motivation?
Oh yeah, survival.
Run!
- Like hell.
[water rushing]
- I'm still dealing with
piss traumatic syndrome
disorder from you that day,
you bitch!
[objects clattering]
- Hey, Kigore,
there's something you
should watch on the television.
- Oh really?
- Yeah.
- Don't!
Get back.
[Diedre gasps]
You put some cheap Japanese
film on to fool me.
- That's live, asswipe.
- Asswipe.
- [Voiceover] Asswipe.
Asswipe.
- No!
No, don't remind.
- [Voiceover] Hey, Kigore, you
lost, so give it up already.
- No, no, don't remind me.
No, dear God, no.
- It's called, what did
I have for breakfast?
- No, no, not the
asswipe. Asswipe, ugly.
Don't take me to that
deep, dark place!
Don't take me!
[Kigore breathing heavily]
You bitch!
- Hey, Diedre, stop
hogging the sex toy.
- Okay.
- Let me go! Let me go!
Let me go!
- Mm!
I'm really horny from all that.
Let's try a different
point of entry.
- No, no, no!
- Now, if I have any polyps ups
up there, let me know, okay?
- Stop. Stop!
- A bit tight, but-
- Don't remind me. No!
- Nice, nice and tight.
- No, no, no, no, no.
Asswipe, asswipe, no, no!
[gun fires]
[bullet ricochets]
[bra whirring]
[gun firing]
[bullet ricocheting]
[gun clicking]
[steam hissing]
- I've got bulletproof ta-tas,
and you're out of bullets.
- Uh-oh.
- Now listen to that!
- The 405 at Cherry
Avenue has been destroyed.
The military is rushing
planes and tanks to the scene.
Most of the population has
already been evacuated.
[plane engines whirring]
Where this 100-foot
tall woman came from
is a complete mystery.
However, most men
comment how hot she is,
how perfect her
figure and legs are,
just before they
are crushed to death
under her diamond-studded
high heels.
[Kigore whimpering]
[reporter chatters softly]
[underwear ripping]
[Kigore screaming]
[Kigore groaning]
[Kigore yells]
- [groans] Oh, my
roids. Goddammit.
You have any of that
Preparation H? [groans]
- Things are being destroyed
all around me.
[sirens wailing]
I think it's time for
me to get outta here.
This is Brie
Cummings, signing off.
[objects crashing]
[explosion booming]
[dramatic music]
[footsteps stomping]
- Great power
comes great responsibility.
[upbeat dance music]
[computer beeping]
- One of those bitches is here!
Mecha Bot, go kill
her. Kill her!
[footsteps stomping]
[sirens wailing]
- Well, well, if it
isn't Combat Queen.
- So you, uh, diggin' your
meals out of the trash too?
- Hi, guys. Nice to.
[sirens wailing]
[footsteps stomping]
I gotta save the city.
- How about saving
somebody who's life's
you've wrecked instead?
- Yeah, us.
That show would
still be runnin-.
- [gasps] Uh, guys.
- You owe us an apology.
- Apology. How about some money?
How about you go to the
atm and get some money?
My money!
[sirens wailing]
[footsteps stomping]
- Excuse me!
[dramatic music]
Zippo, Zammo!
[upbeat music]
♪ Go, go
♪ Giantess Attack
♪ Smash, smash
♪ Giantess Attack
♪ Crush, crush
♪ Giantess Attack
♪ Go, go
[metal clanks]
[Frida yells]
- You can't beat in the machine.
[Frida groaning]
Mecha Bot, give her a good
old-fashioned pimp slap!
[eerie robotic whirring]
[Frida groans]
[Frida exclaiming]
[objects crashing]
[engaging electronica music]
[Frida groaning]
[Frida groaning]
[people screaming]
[Frida grunting]
[objects crashing]
[beam whirring]
[Frida groaning]
[objects crashing]
[Frida groaning]
Now, let's see what this
piece of shit robot can do.
- I should have known you
are a horrible space alien
the moment you laughed at that
suffering animal commercial!
[Metaluna sighs]
- That stupid commercial has
been playing across the galaxy,
and every intelligent life form
is sick of hearing about it!
- I thought you loved me.
[eerie music]
- I couldn't love you.
You're the Jar Jar Binks
of the action figure world.
- [Drew] [groans]
Stop! Stop shoving me.
You'll never succeed.
Combat Queen will stop you.
- Shut up, loser!
If your stupid machine fails,
I will stick you between my
legs and crush you like a bug.
- [Drew] How could
someone be so evil
and so sexy at the same time?
[sirens wailing]
- I warn you,
if you strike me down,
[radar beeping]
I shall become stronger than
you can publicly imagine!
[dramatic music]
- Mecha Bot, kill her!
[Frida groans]
[objects crashing]
[Frida groaning]
[Frida screaming]
[objects crashing]
[explosions booming]
[Kigore groaning]
[Frida groaning]
- Here we go again.
[Frida groaning]
[objects crashing]
[footsteps stomping]
[eerie music]
[Frida groaning]
[objects crashing]
[Frida shouts]
[objects crashing]
[Jimmy panting]
- This all started when
that damn wand hit me.
[footsteps stomping]
Another one?
[upbeat music]
No, no, no. Come
back, come back.
Come back, please! Please.
No!
[sirens wailing]
[objects crashing]
- Nunchucks? Gettin' nasty!
Mecha Bot, stop playing
around with her!
Kill her. Kill her!
Kill!
[objects crashing]
[Frida groaning]
[plane engines whirring]
[footsteps stomping]
[Frida groaning]
[objects crashing]
Kill. Kill.
Kill. Kill!
[gears whirring]
[plane engines whirring]
[metal clanking]
[vehicles crashing]
[tires screeching]
[plane whirring]
[guns firing]
[ammunition ricocheting]
[objects crashing]
[explosions booming]
[guns firing]
[objects crashing]
[dramatic music]
- Anything for my BFFLSDUNDUP!
[plane engines whirring]
[explosions booming]
[guns firing]
[objects crashing]
[plane engines whirring]
[dramatic music]
- You don't wanna go
that way, ma'am. [groans]
- [Diedre] I'm
coming, my Falkor!
[engines whirring]
- Earthlings, your puny weapons
are no match for Mecha Fembot!
[planes whirring]
[weapons whirring]
[weapons firing]
[electricity crackling]
[objects crashing]
[missile launching]
[explosion booming]
[weapons firing]
[electricity crackling]
[missile launching]
[explosions booming]
[objects crashing]
Charge the super weapon!
Go!
[Drew groans]
[dramatic music]
[weapon digitizing]
[weapon fires]
[plane exploding]
[weapons firing]
[plane exploding]
[plane whirring]
[weapon fires]
[explosion booming]
[glass shattering]
[dramatic music]
[Drew grunts]
[Frida groaning softly]
- I could use a hand, BFFFF.
[weapon firing]
[upbeat music]
♪ Go, go
♪ Giantess Attack
♪ Smash, smash
♪ Giantess Attack
♪ Crush, crush
♪ Giantess Attack
[Frida groans]
♪ Go, go
[switch beeping]
[eerie music]
[weapon firing]
[explosion booming]
[objects crashing]
[switch beeps]
[wires sparking]
[weapon digitizing]
[Frida groaning]
[Frida groaning]
[Diedre shouts]
[objects crashing]
- Sorry! Ooh, sorry.
[Frida groaning]
[upbeat rock music]
- Just dry that trouble-making
slut up! [laughs]
[wires sparking]
[helicopter blades whirring]
[Diedre grunts]
[beam whirring]
[Diedre groaning]
[objects crashing]
[Frida groaning]
- Ooh! Sorry!
- Kill her!
Kill her, kill her, kill her!
[beam whirring]
[building clattering]
[beam whirring]
[bra whirring]
[explosion booming]
[footsteps stomping]
[objects crashing]
[Diedre grunting]
[objects crashing]
[can hissing]
[Frida groaning]
- What are you waiting for?
[eerie music]
You pile of junk! Kill her!
[dramatic music]
[wires sparking]
Mecha Bot, arm the
weapon. Kill her!
[wires sparking]
[weapon sparking]
Now fire!
[weapon sparking]
[wires sparking]
[weapon sparking]
[wires spark]
[weapon sparking]
[wires sparking]
[explosions booming]
[dramatic music]
[wires sparking]
[alarm blaring]
What the hell?
- Yes!
- What the hell?
[computer crashing]
[wires sparking]
[alarm blaring]
You!
- Suck!
[wires sparking]
- You!
[Drew groaning]
I knew I wasn't good looking.
I knew I wasn't athletic.
But I thought, if I was smart,
all the women would like me.
To all the women I've
wind, dined, but never 69,
fuck you! [laughs]
[Drew coughing]
[flesh squelching]
[upbeat music]
- Battle spin?
- Get me to a hospital.
- Battle spin!
- Oh, no!
No, no, no, no, no,
no, no! [screams]
[Frida groaning]
[objects crashing]
[explosions booming]
[cat shrieks]
[objects crashing]
[cats shrieking]
- Battle bombastic!
[objects crashing]
- I did it!
I did it. I did it!
- We did it.
- Yes, we did it.
[eerie music]
- Battle Babe and Combat Queen,
you have ruined my plans again!
[Frida groaning]
[objects crashing]
I will get you if it is the
last thing I do! [screams]
- We did it. We did it!
[soft music]
- Call 9-1-1.
- Ya-hoo. We did it!
[glass shattering]
I am the greatest superhero.
We are the greatest
superheroes ever.
- It's cold. So cold.
Is it getting dark?
- Frida!
You're the one who gave
me my confidence back,
and now, we are the
greatest team ever.
- Just don't lose your
BetaMax capsule again.
- Really? That was me?
- I'm so happy we're
superheroes again.
[upbeat music]
[gears whirring]
- [Voiceover] The animal
shelter was destroyed,
but Aspen survived and
received a bionic leg.
And so Diedre and Frida
became Los Angeles's
first official superheroes.
Unfortunately, due to the
catastrophic damage they caused,
they were forced to do 9,000
hours of community service.
- It's Battle Babe.
- And Combat Queen.
Just a reminder, no
smoking, eating, or drinking
while on the train.
- And have your TAP card
charged and ready to go.
- All aboard.
- [Both] Vamonos, amigos!
[train horn blaring]
- Why, it sure is hot up here.
- Come on. You don't
wanna miss your train.
- [chuckles] Stay hydrated.
You don't wanna miss your
minimum wage job there, Pablo.
[people chattering indistinctly]
Move it, burrito breath?
[crowd gasping]
Stop staring at my
double-sized fish taco.
[people chatter indistinctly]
I know it's Tuesday,
but you ain't gettin'
no free tacos, Paco.
- Frida.
[crowd murmuring]
Stop being so racist.
You're gonna get us fired.
[crowd booing]
- Fired?
How do you get fired from 9,000
hours of community service?
- And stop drinking on the job.
- I personally saved this
entire city from a killer robot,
and, and this is
the thanks I get.
- Why do you have
to ruin everything?
[crowd murmuring]
- [gasps] Don't hit me!
- If it wasn't for me,
you would be robot meat.
[building clattering]
[Diedre groans]
[crowd murmuring]
That's it.
I am sick of you!
[rock music]
- Uh-oh!
[horn blares]
[people screaming]
Don't you even think about
hitting me with that train!
Don't you think about
hitting me with that train!
[giants grunting]
[people screaming]
I'm sick of you!
- Oh yeah? Oh yeah?
[giants grunting]
- Battle Babe and Combat Queen.
If I had these two under my
control, I'd be unstoppable.
[upbeat music]
[ships gadgets beeping]
[alarm blaring]
[Metaluna laughing]
[ship whirring]
Attention, Space Force.
Attention, Space force!
Large object approaching
Suffix Alpha.
Space Force!
[indistinct] Red alert!
Looks like.
Looks like a piece of life,
with a rocket shoved up its ass.
Must be the work of
the evil Metaluna.
She's such a cunt.
[explosions booming]
This is Commander Nikki
Fury of Space Force.
I may be the final commander
[guns firing]
of Trunk Base Alpha.
The situation looks pretty dire.
We need help.
[guns firing]
[guns firing]
[person screaming]
Send Deidre and Frida.
Send Diedre and Frida.
[Nikki yelling]
Holy glory, I'm coming home!
- [Narrator] Will these
two ever start bickering?
Will Metaluna get her revenge?
Will Mecha Fembot be back?
Stay tuned next week,
for another exciting adventure,
with Team Giantess Attack.
"Attack Giant: In Space."
[upbeat rock music]
[wind whirring]
[bats screeching]
[wings flapping]
[upbeat music]
[ship whooshing]
[ship crashing]
- Hello little people!
[upbeat music]
I'm your host, Katey Sagal.
You know me from "Futurama,"
but what you probably
have never seen
is the failed TV show
"Giantess Attack,"
one of the many 1990's
ripoff of the popular show,
Super Power Morph, range,
whatever, you remember
that show. [chuckles]
"Giants Attacks" offered
up less-guided mashup
of "Ultraman" and
foot fetish videos.
Although 24 episodes
were filmed,
this cringe-worthy
sexist slop was pulled
after just two episodes and
replaced with reruns of,
you guessed it,
"Married with Children."
"Oh, Al."
So let's jump back to the
'90s with zippo zammo.
Is that what they? [chuckles]
Are we done?
Great. Can you make that
check out to Katey Sagal?
Yeah, my agent doesn't need
to know about this actually.
Actually, do you have cash?
♪ Four, three, two, one
[upbeat music]
♪ Zippo, Zammo
♪ Earth under attack
♪ Monsters from space
♪ Loser actors
♪ Time to save the human race
♪ Don't go
♪ Giantess Attack
♪ Smash, smash
♪ Giantess Attack
♪ Crush, crush
♪ Giantess Attack
♪ Kick 'em where it counts
♪ Big boss will hire you
to play Minnie Mouse ♪
♪ Now you delusional divas
are bigger than a house ♪
♪ Don't go
♪ Giantess Attack
♪ Don't go
♪ Giantess Attack
♪ Don't go
- [Announcer] Brought to you by.
[soft music]
- [Voiceover] Every day,
pets starve and die,
forgotten, abused,
unloved, unwanted.
This is Aspen. Aspen
has a broken hip.
Captain Snuggle Bottoms
has two broken legs.
Unless you give us money,
these animals will die.
And it will be all your fault.
Yes, without your contributions,
these animals will all die.
Tonight.
When you lie
comfortably in your bed,
think about these animals
living in garbage and filth,
with their broken little bodies
and their shattered
little minds,
and you didn't
give a dime to us.
You didn't lift a finger
to help these animals.
You don't wanna be
a horrible person.
Get out that credit
card. Help us.
Call 866-867-5309 to make
your donations today.
[upbeat music]
[wind howling]
- [Narrator] My life
fades. The vision dims.
All that remain are memories.
I remember a time
of great chaos.
Ruined dreams.
A wasted land.
But most of all, I
remember, Diedre and Frida,
the Giantess Attack team.
To understand who they were,
you have to go back to
the previous episode.
[upbeat music]
On our last episode,
Diedre and Frida's
substance-abuse problems
cost them their
jobs on the show,
"Battle Babe and Combat Queen."
The show was canceled.
The director and crew were now
unemployed and vowed revenge.
Twin space fairies
called the Metalunans
gave the girls magic wands
called BetaMax capsules.
These capsules gave
Diedre and Frida
the ability to grow giant
and fight monsters
threatening the Earth.
The drunken duo set the
fairies on fire, grew giant,
battled the military, and left
Hollywood in flaming ruins.
In a dispute over residuals,
Frida devoured her own agent.
Both girls sexually
assaulted General Kigore,
leaving him a
mentally-broken man.
Frida lost her BetaMax capsule,
and Diedre retreated to her
fortress of immeasurable guilt.
Both were unaware the
surviving space fairy
planned to launch a
devastating attack
on the entire human race.
[soft music]
♪ Why at last
♪ You're with me
[soft music continues]
[soft rock music]
[soft rock music continues]
[soft rock music continues]
[birds chirping]
- Get this thing away from me!
[birds chirping]
[water rushing]
I will never grow giant again.
I've seen the dark side.
I will never do it again.
Never!
- Wow, Dr. Drew,
your lecture on robotic
technology was fascinating.
Do you really think
that AI computers
are just around the corner?
[whimsical music]
- Yes, and
congratulations on winning
that Hooter's bikini contest.
Can I give you a lift home?
- Sure. Are you
headed to Chatsworth?
- Um, sure.
So you see, quantum computers
are the only logical way
to achieve artificial
intelligence in machines.
- Because of the random
variables in quantum physics?
- Well, based on my
miniaturized computer system-
[phone ringing]
Hold on, I gotta take this.
[dramatic music]
[phone beeping]
[tires screeching]
[Laura screams]
[horns honking]
[Drew grumbling]
Uh, yeah, um, you like
a pretty bright girl.
Would you like to be my
assistant in a robotic project?
[phone beeping]
[whimsical music]
- Look out!
[pedestrian screams]
[stroller crashes]
[baby cries]
[Laura screams]
- Outta the way, you moron!
- You can, can you
just just pull over?
- I got a stalker on my phone.
- No, you can just let me
out, okay. I can take the bus.
- Hold on.
[phone beeping]
- No, no, just, please, just
let me out here. I walk.
[car twinkling]
- Hold your horses. Geez!
[dramatic music]
- Dr. Drew?
- Hold on!
- Um.
[whimsical music]
[engines revving]
[Laura sobs]
[dramatic music]
[Laura sobs]
[dog barking]
[cat shrieks]
[whimsical music]
[Laura shouts]
[dramatic music]
[dog panting]
[Laura screams]
[Laura whimpering]
[dog growling]
[dog chomps]
[Laura screaming]
[Diedre laughing]
[Kigore muttering]
- I gotta get away.
I gotta, giant women.
[upbeat rock music]
No! Giant women!
[Kigore screaming]
[water rushing]
[soft music]
[door knocking]
[glass shattering]
[Frida exclaims]
- Were you followed?
- No one would
recognize me. Or you.
Worked for Wonder Woman.
Hey, maybe we can get a job
dusting off old statues.
- [chuckles] "Wonder Woman" is
a stupid movie. This is real.
And we're in real big trouble!
- What are you talking about?
With this power, we have
the world at our fingertips.
Literally.
- You do. We lost one
of our BetaMax capsules.
And I never want it back.
Just take it and go!
- What happened to my BFFL?
- We destroyed a city together.
I think it's time we separate
and see other superheroes.
[Frida gasps]
- Til death to us parts.
- We killed movie stars.
- What's Battle Bay
without Combat Girl?
That's like the Green
Lantern without Bruce Lee.
Like Atreyu without
Falkor, the luck dragon.
Come on, Diedre.
- Get that thing away from me!
[Frida exclaims]
- Come on. Diedre.
Put up the glasses.
- No.
- Come on. No one ever
recognizes Clark Kent.
Or Wonder Woman.
- Get those stupid
glasses away from me!
[dramatic music]
- We have been given a power!
Whether you like it
or not, we are a team.
[both shouting]
- You better find
yourself a place to hide
and pray nobody finds you there.
- Put on the glasses!
- Stay away from me!
- Put on the glasses
like Wonder Woman!
- Stay away from me!
[Frida grunting]
[objects crashing]
[rock music]
- You dumb bitch!
Put the glasses on.
No?
Well here goes your
toothpick fortress.
[objects clattering]
- Not my dream!
[Diedre shouting]
[Frida laughing]
[both shouting]
Enough with the fucking glasses!
[both grunting]
[objects crashing]
[both grunting]
[wood cracking]
- Those are perfect fucking
glasses! [indistinct]
[objects clattering]
[both shouting]
[both grunting]
[both chattering indistinctly]
[both grunting]
[both panting]
[toy chirping]
So you're really not
gonna put on the glasses?
[glass shatters]
[toy chirping]
- Look at my fortress
of immeasurable guilt!
[rock music]
[both grunting]
[capsule thuds]
[somber music]
[door slams]
- [Frida] You are my BFF.
- No! You are my BFFL.
- Goddamn, you are my BFFLTDDUP.
Best friends for life,
till death do us part.
[both laughing]
[both shouting]
- Girl, looks like
you found a big guy
for your awesomely big needs.
- [chuckles] Totally.
- Totally.
[Diedre chuckles]
- My BFF!
[both chuckling]
- BFFLTDDDDDDP.
[Diedre spitting]
[Frida laughing]
- P?
- Yeah!
[indistinct]
[somber music continues]
[soft piano music]
- [Voiceover] Every day,
pets starve and die,
forgotten, abused,
unloved, unwanted.
This is Aspen. Aspen
has a broken hip.
Captain Snuggle bottoms
has two broken legs.
- [Drew] I will never
help you in your mad quest
to build a cyborg!
- Unless you give us money,
these animals will die.
And it will be all your fault.
- You might as well let me go.
You'll never get what you want!
- These animals will all die.
[Metaluna giggling]
- What the hell are
you laughing at?
That is the worst
commercial ever!
- [Voiceover] You don't
wanna be a horrible person.
- You are a horrible,
horrible person!
- [Voiceover] Get
out that credit card
and help these starving cats.
Call 866-867-
[Metaluna laughing]
To make your donations today.
- [sniffles] You're right.
I am a terrible,
terrible person.
From a terrible planet.
Millions and millions
and millions of miles
away. [sniffles]
I just thought that I
could bring some peace
to the planet that
I now call home.
[sniffles] Nobody wants me.
I mean, just look at me.
[Drew exhales]
Who would want me?
Just leave me. Leave me!
I don't belong here.
I don't belong anywhere.
I'm just gonna go
somewhere and end it all.
Just go! [sighs]
- Okay. Bye.
[Metaluna sobbing]
All right, see ya.
Um, could you make me big again?
Well, you could
change, couldn't you?
- What? You think I can change?
Do you think I have the power
to change to be a good person?
- Yes, I do, Meta.
I believe you have the
power of good in you.
- Thank you for believing in me.
You've made me
believe in myself.
I owe you everything.
- Hey, I'm just here to help.
- Drew, I've never
had a human before.
- And I haven't been laid since
the Clinton administration.
[Metaluna giggling]
[playful music]
- I love you, Drew.
- Hey, sexy alien.
- What! Me?
- How about after we get to
know each other a little better,
I throw together
that robot you want.
- Oh, Drew, you're the greatest.
Do you like that?
- Oh yeah.
- Oh, and this?
- [Drew] This is the
greatest day of my life.
[Metaluna shouting
in foreign language]
[Metaluna laughing]
- [Drew] You are the
greatest woman ever.
- So long, brother. [sighs]
[clapboard clapping]
Yeah.
Ooh, hello.
[chuckles] Oh yeah.
Oh.
What have we here?
[Jimmy chuckles]
[air whooshing]
Go, go, power putang.
[grunts] I have the
power in my hands.
Can you feel it? Mm!
[Jimmy laughs]
[phone rings]
Oh!
What is it?
- Yeah, yeah, yes,
yes, yes, of course.
I will, uh, meet you
at the conference room.
I'll be right there.
All right. [chuckles]
Right this way, ladies.
And welcome to the wonderful
world where magic happens.
And I'm gonna say,
wow! [chuckles]
It is so cool that you girls
dressed up in character.
- Yeah, I dress
like this every day.
- I dressed like Wonder Woman.
- Hmm. Well, it's a
pleasure to meet you both.
My name is Jimmy. Jimmy
Blowfeld. [chuckles]
This is actually my
brother's office, Joel.
My brother raped, repped
a lot of top talent
for TV and the web.
[dramatic music]
He, um.
He.
[suspenseful music]
- Goin' good now, baby.
[objects crashing]
What! Are you kidding me!
The worst day.
This is the worst!
[objects crashing]
[tires screeching]
[alarms blaring]
[objects crashing]
[explosion booming]
[people screaming]
What the hell?
Oh, Jesus Christ!
Whoa!
[car crashes]
No. No, Fria, wait.
We can work it out. Put me down.
Please put me down.
I'll make you a big star.
You'll, you'll be
bigger than ever.
You'll be huge.
- Joel, I am a big star.
It's the pictures that
have gotten smaller.
- Oh! Put put me down.
Frida, come on. It's me.
Frida, don't. Spit!
Don't swallow. Yes, spit please.
Spit. Spit, don't swallow.
Whoa!
- Mm!
- No.
- Mm, Joel. I always swallow.
- Well, let's just say
the work swallowed him up,
and he is taking some
well-deserved time off.
How rude of me.
Please, sit down.
So have you two heard
of the hit show,
"Battle Bath and Combat Queen"?
- [Both] What?
- It's a children's show.
It's on Saturday mornings.
- I like to sleep in
on Saturday mornings.
- It is a superhero show,
and I'm looking to replace the
two stars on this hit show.
Huh? Huh?
Huh? [laughs]
Doesn't that make you
girls hot? [chuckles]
Huh.
- Yeah. I was in
that hip prison show.
- Yeah, that, the prison show.
I see you play Lesbian.
Lesbian guard. Lesbian prisoner.
Lesbian Gang Rape Victim.
- Yeah. I'm straight,
but I do gay for pay.
- Amber.
- You wanna see my tits?
- I don't recognize
any of these titles.
- I've been in
over 300 features.
- Hmm.
- None of them are on Netflix.
I'm in "Game of Bones: Winters
Coming, All Over Your Face."
It's not on Netflix.
- Oh, no, no, wait a minute.
I'm sorry-
- And!
I'm in "Last Whorehouse
On The Left."
"Anal Training Day."
"Slut Puppies." Part 12.
- Oh, no, I'm so sorry.
I didn't realize I was
auditioning for a porn here.
- No, no, no-
- I'm sorry.
- This is, this is not a porn.
- I'm a serious actress.
Like, I'm gonna be the
next Jennifer Lawrence.
[Amber chuckles]
I can't work with this.
- With what?
- I mean, this could be a
very bad move for my career.
- This is a children's show.
It's for children.
Look, I, I'm trying to
make you both stars.
You should be
kissing my right now.
- You know, I'm a
serious artist too.
I won an AVN Award for
"Desperate House Whores."
Hmm?
[Jimmy moans]
Do you think that
Jennifer Lawrence
could shove this
and do dialogue?
- Why the hell
would she want to?
And what kind of agent has
a vibrator on their desk?
- You know, I don't, I
don't even know what this is
or where it came from,
but just look-
- Okay.
- Let me tell you something.
You both are blowing a huge
opportunity for fame here.
Thought maybe you could
be blowin' something
else right now.
- Yeah. I think this is
gonna be a bad career move.
- Uh, wait a minute!
Don't you work at that
coffee shop on La Brea?
[chuckles] Career?
Top off that coffee, bitch!
That's your career. [laughs]
- I have never been so
insulted in my life.
- Hey! You watch your
the ta-tas, superstar!
- Oh yeah?
- Yeah!
Do you want a piece of me, Fran?
Oh, is it Frank?
- I'm a black belt
in karate, bitch.
You don't wanna fuck with me.
- You know what,
like most actresses-
[ominous music]
- Gimme that!
- You are blowing
a big opportunity right now,
but you'd rather have nothing.
So get out!
[capsule thuds]
[air twinkling]
- You're lucky I don't
shove a boot up your ass!
- Oh, you think you can take me?
- Blindfolded.
- Okay, well let me just
take my shoes off then.
- Why?
- Because black belt
experts never fight
with their shoes on.
- Oh, okay.
Yeah. Let me give you time
to take your shoes off.
[Fran exclaims]
[Amber laughing]
[dramatic music]
- Girls, I'm not really feeling
the chemistry right now,
so why don't I call you-
- You know what!
[both muttering]
- You think you're so-
- What the hell?
- I went to college!
[both muttering]
[suspenseful music]
- Oh yeah, how do you I wasn't
a master before you ever were,
you bitch!
- Oh, you don't know that!
[both shouting indistinctly]
- You having wet
dildos underwear!
- Hey!
[Joel screaming]
[Joel sobbing]
- How do you like that, bitch?
[teeth chomp]
Ow, my foot!
My foot! [groans]
- Gotta find some place to hide.
- You know what,
we're not over yet.
- I'm Wonder Woman, bitch!
- Bring it.
I'm gonna knock you out.
- Hold on.
- Oh, jeez Louise, I'm
not fighting a VD factory.
[Amber laughs]
- Laugh! [indistinct]
Like fighter thighs.
How do you like that, Fran?
Great?
Huh? What's the matter,
you can't talk, Franny?
[Fran murmuring]
[Fran gasps]
- Damn divas!
- How do you like
that, Fran? [laughs]
[Fran murmuring]
It's your Oscar clip, bitch.
It's your Oscar clip. [laughs]
[Fran murmuring]
[Joel shouting]
Ow!
- Where is he? Where
is that little creep?
Get out of there!
- Oh, you bitch!
I'm not taking this, where
is this little creep?
- [scoffs] Gay for pay, my ass!
[Amber gasps]
- Oh boy!
- What the fuck is that
little piece of shit?
[gasps] It's that scumbag agent.
He shrunk.
- Girls, I don't know what's
really happening right now,
but I think it's best if
you both should leave.
- I'm sorry I kicked
you in the cha-cha.
[upbeat music]
- It's okay.
It's not your fault.
- Damn right. It's his fault.
- Me?
- I've been through this before.
Creeps like him pitting
us against each other.
He's a little parasite.
- You know, I'm not
really gay for pay.
I've been hot for you
the second I saw you.
In your fucking dreams, bro.
- You wish!
[sirens blaring]
- Free screening. This
is a new show on NetTrax.
It's from the producers
of "Stranger Tales."
New show on NetTrax from the
producers of "Stranger Tales."
It's called "Cracked Up."
It's a free screening.
You'll love it. It takes
place in the 1980's.
You'll love it.
It's a great show.
It's a free screening.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome. Absolutely.
Hey, new show on NetTrax.
It's called "Cracked Up,"
from the producers
of "Stranger Tales."
Set in the 1980's.
All right, enjoy it.
Same producers of
"Stranger Tales."
Hi, folks. How you doing?
New show on NetTrax.
It's a free screening.
It takes place in the 1980's.
All right, take care. You bet.
Free screening,
everybody. Free screening.
This is from the producers
of "Stranger Tales."
Free screening. Free screening.
Who wants to attend?
You guys want to go
to a free screening?
From the producers
of "Stranger Tales."
It takes place in the 1980's.
It's called "Cracked
Up." See you there.
How you doing? Hey,
free screening here.
This is a new show on
NetTrax called "Cracked Up."
- I'll take it.
- Producers of the
"Stranger Tales,"
this takes place in the '80s.
- Is there free food
too or something? Or?
- [Both] You!
- Aren't you a member of
the Director's Movie Guild?
No, you can't go to this.
[ethereal music]
You can't nap in the
theater of course,
but hey, how you doing, man?
- Oh, I'm doing
great. Can't you tell?
This one I like better.
This is my first one.
But this one got me a free taco
or it might have been a gordida.
- Well, what happened
to the anime porn
that you were making?
- Uh, I got it,
but the lead actress said I
was sexually harassing her
during the octopus
tentacle gang rape scene.
I'm on the MeToo
movement's shit-list now.
The only thing I can
direct is traffic.
- Yeah, I hear you.
I'm wiped out too.
Who wants a middle-aged,
uh, camera operator?
[rock music]
I was banking money,
until "Battle Babe and
Combat Queen" got canceled.
[Jimmy shouting]
- No, please, let me go.
- Please!
- So do we get the part?
- No, stop, stop, stop. [gags]
- Do we get it?
[Jimmy gagging]
Do we get the part or not?
- Yeah, you are
the new Battle Babe
and Combat Queen, all right?
Now please let me go.
[Jimmy screaming]
- Hey, do you wanna
go to my coffee shop?
I'll make you a mocha frap.
- Sure.
- Okay, let's go.
[both laughing]
- Are you kidding me?.
[upbeat music]
- It's done.
- A great achievement.
- My life's work in robotics
have led to this grand-
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Power that baby up.
- You have to promise me
you'll use my robot for good.
Only good.
- I've changed, my pet.
Only good. [chuckles]
- To power up the robot, you
must sing the robot song.
- What?
- You must sing to the robot.
You must sing and promise her
you will use her for good.
Not evil.
- You've got to be kidding.
- It's the only
way to power it up.
And you gotta do a dance
number too. A whole musical.
- Uh, this-
- Her name is Mecha Fembot.
[Metaluna groans]
And you gotta get down
on your knees and bow
and stuff too. [chuckles]
[eerie dance music]
- Can't believe I'm doing this.
♪ Mecha Bot
♪ Mecha Bot
♪ Come to life
♪ Save the Earth
♪ Mecha Bot
♪ Mecha Bot
♪ Turn on your light
♪ And give birth
♪ Mecha Bot
♪ Mecha Bot
♪ Mecha Bot
[Drew laughing]
[eerie dance music continues]
♪ Mecha Bot
♪ Mecha Bot
[electricity sparking]
♪ Mecha Bot
♪ Mecha Bot
♪ Mecha Bot
[electricity sparking]
[Drew laughing]
[dramatic music]
What are you laughing at?
- [laughs] It's, the on
switch is right here.
[switch beeps]
[robot humming]
- What?
[Drew giggles]
You! You! [screams]
Dork!
- I love you Meta.
- Ah, shut up!
[Drew yells]
[Metaluna shouting]
[apparatus clattering]
[water rushing]
[birds chirping]
[somber music]
- What happened to my BFFL?
Till death do us part.
We have been given a power.
We are a team, whether
you like it or not.
What's Battle Babe
without Combat Queen?
That's like the Green
Lantern without Bruce Lee.
Like, like Atreyu without
Falkor, the luck dragon.
Come on, Diedre.
I wanna be your Falkor,
to ride on your hair.
I've always loved you, Diedre.
- You're both blowing a huge
opportunity for fame here.
Thought maybe you could
be blowin' something
else right now.
Go, go, power putang.
[record scratches]
- My BetaMax capsule!
I know where I left
it. Joel's office.
- Joel.
Dammit! That mother fucker
Jimmy, Joel's brother,
has my BetaMax capsule.
[ominous music]
Who are you?
- I'm with the gas company.
You have a gas leak.
Oh, that was a climb.
- I was just leaving.
You gotta come back.
- This has to be taken
care of right now.
- Sorry, I'm late. I gotta go.
- Ha! It's me!
- Holy shit.
- That's right. General
Schmelly Kigore Butler, III.
I'm back, biatch!
[dramatic music]
Time to die.
[Kigore laughing]
[soft music]
- Call 866-867-5309
to make your donations today.
You didn't call fast enough.
We had to take off
one of Aspen's legs.
Don't make us cut
off all her legs.
Donate today, before we have
to remove other body parts.
Help us with your donations.
Aspen will walk again.
[upbeat music]
[dramatic music]
- Mecha Bot, override
all your programming.
You will only obey me now.
- No!
- Do you understand me,
you dumb stupid metallic biatch?
[gears whirring]
The place where they shoot
this dumb animal shelter
commercial is two miles east.
Go there and
destroy the shelter.
Squash all the little
animals. [laughs]
- You fiend! You fiend!
- Go. Go now!
[robot whirring]
Squash everything in
your path! [laughs]
[footsteps stomping]
[glass shattering]
To the animal shelter
and victory! [laughs]
[building crashing]
[glass shattering]
[dramatic music]
[Metaluna laughing]
[building crashing]
[glass shattering]
- [Dispatcher] Report
of an explosion.
Waffle warehouse fire,
near Los Alamitos.
Please investigate.
- Roger that.
- Aww, poor little Drew.
You so silly. [laughs]
[helicopter blades whirring]
- [Pilot] Oh, my God!
Giant breasts, giant breasts!
[alarm blaring]
Giant breast!
- [laughs] Surprise!
[helicopter crashing]
[pilot screaming]
[explosion booming]
[sirens wailing]
- Got a report of a
chopper down near Alamitos.
- Roger.
- Humans are so stupid.
But it's still cute.
Goochie goo. What's wrong?
Are you mad at me? [laughs]
[sirens wailing]
[footsteps stomping]
[tires screeching]
- Oh! 920!
Oh, she's got our car.
[objects crashing]
[people screaming]
- Fuck the police! What
up, mother fuckers!
♪ You can tell me
[sirens wailing]
[objects crashing]
[horns honking]
[dramatic music continues]
Come on, dance
with me, babe. Woo!
[sirens wailing]
- "Battle Babe
and Combat Queen"?
Boy, I'd like to get my hands
on those two troublemakers.
[objects crashing]
[glass shattering]
- What's that?
- Probably 'cause of those
trouble-making broads.
- What's my motivation?
Oh yeah, survival.
Run!
- Like hell.
[water rushing]
- I'm still dealing with
piss traumatic syndrome
disorder from you that day,
you bitch!
[objects clattering]
- Hey, Kigore,
there's something you
should watch on the television.
- Oh really?
- Yeah.
- Don't!
Get back.
[Diedre gasps]
You put some cheap Japanese
film on to fool me.
- That's live, asswipe.
- Asswipe.
- [Voiceover] Asswipe.
Asswipe.
- No!
No, don't remind.
- [Voiceover] Hey, Kigore, you
lost, so give it up already.
- No, no, don't remind me.
No, dear God, no.
- It's called, what did
I have for breakfast?
- No, no, not the
asswipe. Asswipe, ugly.
Don't take me to that
deep, dark place!
Don't take me!
[Kigore breathing heavily]
You bitch!
- Hey, Diedre, stop
hogging the sex toy.
- Okay.
- Let me go! Let me go!
Let me go!
- Mm!
I'm really horny from all that.
Let's try a different
point of entry.
- No, no, no!
- Now, if I have any polyps ups
up there, let me know, okay?
- Stop. Stop!
- A bit tight, but-
- Don't remind me. No!
- Nice, nice and tight.
- No, no, no, no, no.
Asswipe, asswipe, no, no!
[gun fires]
[bullet ricochets]
[bra whirring]
[gun firing]
[bullet ricocheting]
[gun clicking]
[steam hissing]
- I've got bulletproof ta-tas,
and you're out of bullets.
- Uh-oh.
- Now listen to that!
- The 405 at Cherry
Avenue has been destroyed.
The military is rushing
planes and tanks to the scene.
Most of the population has
already been evacuated.
[plane engines whirring]
Where this 100-foot
tall woman came from
is a complete mystery.
However, most men
comment how hot she is,
how perfect her
figure and legs are,
just before they
are crushed to death
under her diamond-studded
high heels.
[Kigore whimpering]
[reporter chatters softly]
[underwear ripping]
[Kigore screaming]
[Kigore groaning]
[Kigore yells]
- [groans] Oh, my
roids. Goddammit.
You have any of that
Preparation H? [groans]
- Things are being destroyed
all around me.
[sirens wailing]
I think it's time for
me to get outta here.
This is Brie
Cummings, signing off.
[objects crashing]
[explosion booming]
[dramatic music]
[footsteps stomping]
- Great power
comes great responsibility.
[upbeat dance music]
[computer beeping]
- One of those bitches is here!
Mecha Bot, go kill
her. Kill her!
[footsteps stomping]
[sirens wailing]
- Well, well, if it
isn't Combat Queen.
- So you, uh, diggin' your
meals out of the trash too?
- Hi, guys. Nice to.
[sirens wailing]
[footsteps stomping]
I gotta save the city.
- How about saving
somebody who's life's
you've wrecked instead?
- Yeah, us.
That show would
still be runnin-.
- [gasps] Uh, guys.
- You owe us an apology.
- Apology. How about some money?
How about you go to the
atm and get some money?
My money!
[sirens wailing]
[footsteps stomping]
- Excuse me!
[dramatic music]
Zippo, Zammo!
[upbeat music]
♪ Go, go
♪ Giantess Attack
♪ Smash, smash
♪ Giantess Attack
♪ Crush, crush
♪ Giantess Attack
♪ Go, go
[metal clanks]
[Frida yells]
- You can't beat in the machine.
[Frida groaning]
Mecha Bot, give her a good
old-fashioned pimp slap!
[eerie robotic whirring]
[Frida groans]
[Frida exclaiming]
[objects crashing]
[engaging electronica music]
[Frida groaning]
[Frida groaning]
[people screaming]
[Frida grunting]
[objects crashing]
[beam whirring]
[Frida groaning]
[objects crashing]
[Frida groaning]
Now, let's see what this
piece of shit robot can do.
- I should have known you
are a horrible space alien
the moment you laughed at that
suffering animal commercial!
[Metaluna sighs]
- That stupid commercial has
been playing across the galaxy,
and every intelligent life form
is sick of hearing about it!
- I thought you loved me.
[eerie music]
- I couldn't love you.
You're the Jar Jar Binks
of the action figure world.
- [Drew] [groans]
Stop! Stop shoving me.
You'll never succeed.
Combat Queen will stop you.
- Shut up, loser!
If your stupid machine fails,
I will stick you between my
legs and crush you like a bug.
- [Drew] How could
someone be so evil
and so sexy at the same time?
[sirens wailing]
- I warn you,
if you strike me down,
[radar beeping]
I shall become stronger than
you can publicly imagine!
[dramatic music]
- Mecha Bot, kill her!
[Frida groans]
[objects crashing]
[Frida groaning]
[Frida screaming]
[objects crashing]
[explosions booming]
[Kigore groaning]
[Frida groaning]
- Here we go again.
[Frida groaning]
[objects crashing]
[footsteps stomping]
[eerie music]
[Frida groaning]
[objects crashing]
[Frida shouts]
[objects crashing]
[Jimmy panting]
- This all started when
that damn wand hit me.
[footsteps stomping]
Another one?
[upbeat music]
No, no, no. Come
back, come back.
Come back, please! Please.
No!
[sirens wailing]
[objects crashing]
- Nunchucks? Gettin' nasty!
Mecha Bot, stop playing
around with her!
Kill her. Kill her!
Kill!
[objects crashing]
[Frida groaning]
[plane engines whirring]
[footsteps stomping]
[Frida groaning]
[objects crashing]
Kill. Kill.
Kill. Kill!
[gears whirring]
[plane engines whirring]
[metal clanking]
[vehicles crashing]
[tires screeching]
[plane whirring]
[guns firing]
[ammunition ricocheting]
[objects crashing]
[explosions booming]
[guns firing]
[objects crashing]
[dramatic music]
- Anything for my BFFLSDUNDUP!
[plane engines whirring]
[explosions booming]
[guns firing]
[objects crashing]
[plane engines whirring]
[dramatic music]
- You don't wanna go
that way, ma'am. [groans]
- [Diedre] I'm
coming, my Falkor!
[engines whirring]
- Earthlings, your puny weapons
are no match for Mecha Fembot!
[planes whirring]
[weapons whirring]
[weapons firing]
[electricity crackling]
[objects crashing]
[missile launching]
[explosion booming]
[weapons firing]
[electricity crackling]
[missile launching]
[explosions booming]
[objects crashing]
Charge the super weapon!
Go!
[Drew groans]
[dramatic music]
[weapon digitizing]
[weapon fires]
[plane exploding]
[weapons firing]
[plane exploding]
[plane whirring]
[weapon fires]
[explosion booming]
[glass shattering]
[dramatic music]
[Drew grunts]
[Frida groaning softly]
- I could use a hand, BFFFF.
[weapon firing]
[upbeat music]
♪ Go, go
♪ Giantess Attack
♪ Smash, smash
♪ Giantess Attack
♪ Crush, crush
♪ Giantess Attack
[Frida groans]
♪ Go, go
[switch beeping]
[eerie music]
[weapon firing]
[explosion booming]
[objects crashing]
[switch beeps]
[wires sparking]
[weapon digitizing]
[Frida groaning]
[Frida groaning]
[Diedre shouts]
[objects crashing]
- Sorry! Ooh, sorry.
[Frida groaning]
[upbeat rock music]
- Just dry that trouble-making
slut up! [laughs]
[wires sparking]
[helicopter blades whirring]
[Diedre grunts]
[beam whirring]
[Diedre groaning]
[objects crashing]
[Frida groaning]
- Ooh! Sorry!
- Kill her!
Kill her, kill her, kill her!
[beam whirring]
[building clattering]
[beam whirring]
[bra whirring]
[explosion booming]
[footsteps stomping]
[objects crashing]
[Diedre grunting]
[objects crashing]
[can hissing]
[Frida groaning]
- What are you waiting for?
[eerie music]
You pile of junk! Kill her!
[dramatic music]
[wires sparking]
Mecha Bot, arm the
weapon. Kill her!
[wires sparking]
[weapon sparking]
Now fire!
[weapon sparking]
[wires sparking]
[weapon sparking]
[wires spark]
[weapon sparking]
[wires sparking]
[explosions booming]
[dramatic music]
[wires sparking]
[alarm blaring]
What the hell?
- Yes!
- What the hell?
[computer crashing]
[wires sparking]
[alarm blaring]
You!
- Suck!
[wires sparking]
- You!
[Drew groaning]
I knew I wasn't good looking.
I knew I wasn't athletic.
But I thought, if I was smart,
all the women would like me.
To all the women I've
wind, dined, but never 69,
fuck you! [laughs]
[Drew coughing]
[flesh squelching]
[upbeat music]
- Battle spin?
- Get me to a hospital.
- Battle spin!
- Oh, no!
No, no, no, no, no,
no, no! [screams]
[Frida groaning]
[objects crashing]
[explosions booming]
[cat shrieks]
[objects crashing]
[cats shrieking]
- Battle bombastic!
[objects crashing]
- I did it!
I did it. I did it!
- We did it.
- Yes, we did it.
[eerie music]
- Battle Babe and Combat Queen,
you have ruined my plans again!
[Frida groaning]
[objects crashing]
I will get you if it is the
last thing I do! [screams]
- We did it. We did it!
[soft music]
- Call 9-1-1.
- Ya-hoo. We did it!
[glass shattering]
I am the greatest superhero.
We are the greatest
superheroes ever.
- It's cold. So cold.
Is it getting dark?
- Frida!
You're the one who gave
me my confidence back,
and now, we are the
greatest team ever.
- Just don't lose your
BetaMax capsule again.
- Really? That was me?
- I'm so happy we're
superheroes again.
[upbeat music]
[gears whirring]
- [Voiceover] The animal
shelter was destroyed,
but Aspen survived and
received a bionic leg.
And so Diedre and Frida
became Los Angeles's
first official superheroes.
Unfortunately, due to the
catastrophic damage they caused,
they were forced to do 9,000
hours of community service.
- It's Battle Babe.
- And Combat Queen.
Just a reminder, no
smoking, eating, or drinking
while on the train.
- And have your TAP card
charged and ready to go.
- All aboard.
- [Both] Vamonos, amigos!
[train horn blaring]
- Why, it sure is hot up here.
- Come on. You don't
wanna miss your train.
- [chuckles] Stay hydrated.
You don't wanna miss your
minimum wage job there, Pablo.
[people chattering indistinctly]
Move it, burrito breath?
[crowd gasping]
Stop staring at my
double-sized fish taco.
[people chatter indistinctly]
I know it's Tuesday,
but you ain't gettin'
no free tacos, Paco.
- Frida.
[crowd murmuring]
Stop being so racist.
You're gonna get us fired.
[crowd booing]
- Fired?
How do you get fired from 9,000
hours of community service?
- And stop drinking on the job.
- I personally saved this
entire city from a killer robot,
and, and this is
the thanks I get.
- Why do you have
to ruin everything?
[crowd murmuring]
- [gasps] Don't hit me!
- If it wasn't for me,
you would be robot meat.
[building clattering]
[Diedre groans]
[crowd murmuring]
That's it.
I am sick of you!
[rock music]
- Uh-oh!
[horn blares]
[people screaming]
Don't you even think about
hitting me with that train!
Don't you think about
hitting me with that train!
[giants grunting]
[people screaming]
I'm sick of you!
- Oh yeah? Oh yeah?
[giants grunting]
- Battle Babe and Combat Queen.
If I had these two under my
control, I'd be unstoppable.
[upbeat music]
[ships gadgets beeping]
[alarm blaring]
[Metaluna laughing]
[ship whirring]
Attention, Space Force.
Attention, Space force!
Large object approaching
Suffix Alpha.
Space Force!
[indistinct] Red alert!
Looks like.
Looks like a piece of life,
with a rocket shoved up its ass.
Must be the work of
the evil Metaluna.
She's such a cunt.
[explosions booming]
This is Commander Nikki
Fury of Space Force.
I may be the final commander
[guns firing]
of Trunk Base Alpha.
The situation looks pretty dire.
We need help.
[guns firing]
[guns firing]
[person screaming]
Send Deidre and Frida.
Send Diedre and Frida.
[Nikki yelling]
Holy glory, I'm coming home!
- [Narrator] Will these
two ever start bickering?
Will Metaluna get her revenge?
Will Mecha Fembot be back?
Stay tuned next week,
for another exciting adventure,
with Team Giantess Attack.
"Attack Giant: In Space."
[upbeat rock music]