Gettin' In (2012) - full transcript
A trio of clueless minors embark on a quest to get into the local bar, in the hopes of scoring with the opposite sex.
♪ SHE SAID SHE'D LOVE ME, ♪
♪ THAT SHE NEVER LEAVE ME, ♪
♪ HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT IT'S
TRUE, ♪
♪ AFTER ALL THE LIES ♪
(MOANS)
♪ THAT I BE GIVING BABY, ♪
(FILTERED) YEAH, OH, YEAH, OH
YEAH.
WHY IS THE BABY MONITOR IN
JOEY'S ROOM?
WE WERE HANGING OUT... PLAYING
VIDEO GAMES.
♪ WAITING THERE FOR ME, ♪
♪ ...FEEL THAT BEAUTIFUL
SUNRISE... ♪
OH, SHERRY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING
HERE?
DON'T BE A PERVERT, JOEY. KISS
ME.
NO WAY. IT'S A TRICK.
GET OUT OF MY DREAM. GO.
HI
HEY, YOU.
ME?
YEAH, YOU. WHERE AM I?
HEY. WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE
GOING?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING, JOEY?
GET OUT OF MY HEAD.
GET LOST.
YOU'RE IN MY DREAMS BABY.
♪ HOPE YOU SEE THAT BEAUTIFUL
SUNLIGHT... ♪
♪ IT'S WAITING THERE FOR ME ♪
♪ ...OH MY DARLING... ♪
OH, YEAH, BABY.
♪ ...SEE THAT BEAUTIFUL
SUNLIGHT... ♪
OH, IT'S SUMMERTIME. OH.
♪ ...IT'S WAITING THERE... ♪
OH.
♪ ...IT'S TAKING HOLD, ♪
♪ SO BRING IT BACK TO ME ♪
SHAME ON YOU, SUMMER. IT'S NOT
SUPPOSED TO GO IN THERE.
YOU LEFT THE BABY IN THERE?
WELL, YOU...
...WEREN'T COMPLAINING LAST
NIGHT.
I'LL GET THE BABY.
AND GET YOUR TEENAGER.
OH, YEAH, BABY. OH. OH.
OH. OH, BABY.
OH. OH.
♪ ...THAT WAS JUST A LIE... ♪
OH, FUCK YEAH. OH. OH, IT'S
SUMMERTIME. YEAH.
DON'T HURT YOURSELF IN THERE,
SON.
(FILTERED) OH. OH. AH. OH.
(KNOCKING)
ARE YOU OKAY IN THERE, JOEY?
GEEZ, JOEY.
YOU'RE GONNA RUIN THE RESALE
VALUE ON THE HOUSE.
WHAT THE... WHAT THE HELL, DAD!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY ROOM?
WHOA. OH. OH, GOD.
GET OUT OF MY ROOM!
YOU'RE ON BABY "F.M."
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY. OKAY.
IT'S... IT'S NATURAL TO
EXPERIMENT.
SOMETIMES WITH RANDOM OBJECTS.
DAD!
OKAY. MORE NATURAL WITH WOMEN,
THOUGH.
HAVE YOU NOTICED THE BOND YOUR
STEPMOTHER AND I'VE FORMED?
WHAT?
DAD, GET OUT OF MY ROOM.
HEY.
GET OUT!
I'M JUST... I'M JUST SAYING.
GET OUT.
FUCK.
YEAH.
I'M NOT HUNGRY.
YEAH. I DON'T KNOW.
HEY. WHO AM I? HANG ON. WHO AM
I?
HEY. THAT DOESN'T GO IN THERE.
(LAUGHS)
WHO AM I?
JOE, SERIOUSLY, I HOPE YOU'RE
NOT EMBARRASSED.
I... I... I'M TRYING.
I DON'T WANT YOU TO BE
EMBARRASSED.
CAN WE NOT TALK ABOUT THIS?
AS YOUR FATHER, I HAVE CERTAIN
RESPONSIBILITIES.
ONE OF THEM IS HELPING YOU TO ACQUIRE
THE HABITS OF A FUNCTIONAL ADULT.
THIS MEANS SOME GROOMING
TECHNIQUES.
DONE DAILY. LIKE, YOU KNOW,
LIKE... LIKE BRUSHING YOUR TEETH.
I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.
HOW ELSE DO I SAY THIS?
IF YOU DON'T KEEP THE PRIVATE
GRASS WELL MOWED,
NO GIRL'S EVER GONNA WANNA RUB
HER FACE ON YOUR LAWN,
YOU KNOW.
DAD, THIS IS NOT BREAKFAST
CONVERSATION.
WELL I'M SORRY YOU'RE
UNCOMFORTABLE, JOEY.
YEAH.
IT MAKES ME UNCOMFORTABLE, OKAY,
KNOWING THAT YOU'RE OUT THERE
DISRESPECTING WOMEN.
WHAT?
HOW AM I DISRESPECTING WOMEN.
IN THE EVENT OF FOREPLAY, JOEY.
YOU NEVER, EVER WANNA PUT A
WOMAN IN A SITUATION
WHERE SHE CAN'T BOB YOUR APPLES.
WHAT?
EH, BOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT...
BOB YOUR... BOB YOUR APP-BOB
YOUR APPLES.
WHAT? YEAH. YEAH.
BOB YOUR APPLES.
WHA-EH, EH, EL-LA-LA-LA. EH,
EH, BOB YOUR APPLES.
OKAY. NO MORE TALKING.
YOU GOTTA WAX THAT SHIT, JOE.
WHOA! OH, DAD! UGH.
JOE? JOE?
NO.
EH. THAT'S ALL I GOTTA SAY ABOUT
THAT.
WELL, IS HE OKAY?
YEAH. HE'S OVER EXAGGERATING.
OH. (LAUGHS)
(MOANS)
(KNOCKING)
(MOANS, PANTS)
I GOT IT.
LARRY.
HIT YOU ON THE FACE.
WHAT'S UP?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
I'M JUST PICKING UP MY BEST
FRIEND IN THE WHOLE WORLD.
IT'S YOU.
THAT'S IT?
WHAT, NO AUDITIONS TODAY?
COME ON, DUDE.
IS THAT ALL YOU CARE ABOUT?
NO, I DON'T HAVE ANY AUDITIONS
TODAY.
UNLESS... COME ON.
COME ON, WIPE
THAT FROWN OFF YOUR FACE.
LET ME SEE THOSE PEARLY WHITES.
COME ON. OKAY. CHECK HIM.
HE'S AWESOME, DUDE. CHECK THIS
OUT, ALRIGHT?
ARE YOU SURE YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT
IT IS?
WELL, OF COURSE.
YOU SURE YOU DESERVE TO KNOW
WHAT IT IS?
YOU SURE HE'S NOT GONNA BE MAD?
OH, HE'S A SICKO.
HE LOVES THIS, ALRIGHT?
WHAT?
NINJA, ASSASSIN.
AH!
AH!
AH!
AH!
AH! AH!
BREATH. BREATH. AND, EXHALE.
OH. (MOANS)
TRASH COMPACTOR.
THE TRASH COMPACTOR.
OH.
PRETTY GOOD, OR WHAT?
WHAT?
HEY, WHERE'S YOUR STEPMOM?
(LAUGHS)
GET OFF ME.
WHAT'S SHE WEARING?
IS SHE WEARING SOMETHING SEXY?
'CAUSE I'M AFRAID OF THAT.
SHE'S NOT...
OH, NO. WHAT'D YOU DO?
NINJA ASSASSIN.
WOW. NICE.
OH.
WHERE'D YOU GET HIM?
THE ASIA. IMPORTED.
YOU ARE A UNIQUE MIND, LARRY.
NEW GUY.
OKAY. YEAH.
(LAUGHS)
XIANGZHENG.
HUH?
WHA-
OH, FUCK, DAD. OH, GO- (GROANS) OH.
(COUGHS) OH. OH, DAD.
(GRUNTS, COUGHS, GRUNTS)
UH, YES. LARRY?
YOU'RE THE MAN.
ALRIGHT.
YOU GUYS ARE BOTH ASSHOLES.
ALRIGHT.
BYE, BOYS.
ALRIGHT. NO. I KNOW.
(SIGHS)
COME AND GET SOME.
LET'S LOSE THE TIGHTS.
SO, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF HIM?
HE SACKED ME.
COME ON.
THE TRASH COMPACTOR?
THAT'S GOLDEN.
IT'S OKAY.
AND HE'S NOT AS GOOD-LOOKING AS
US.
I'M RIGHT HERE.
I DON'T THINK HE'S GOOD LOOKING
AT ALL.
(LAUGHS) DEFINITELY WON'T BE STEALING
OUR BITCHES AWAY, THAT'S FOR SURE.
NOT LIKE TYRONE. TYRONE. TYRONE.
TYRONE WAS WAY TOO HANDSOME.
WE SHOULDA KNOWN.
WHAT'S GOING ON?
YOU KNOW THERE SHOULDN'T BE SCHOOL
THE FRIDAY BEFORE SPRING BREAK.
I SECOND THE MOTION.
LIKE NOBODY CAN FOCUS ANYWAYS.
I CAN'T WAIT TO GET THE FUCK
OUTTA THERE.
IT'S A COMPLETE WASTE OF OUR
TIME.
ARE YOU GUYS JOKING?
ABOUT WHAT?
WE'RE ABOUT TO GET A WHOLE WEEK
OFF SCHOOL.
WHY NEED AN EXTRA FRIDAY OFF?
WHY NOT THURSDAY, TOO, FROM NOW
ON?
I SECOND THAT MOTION.
HE'S PERFECT. YOU'RE IMMEDIATELY
MY FAVORITE NERD.
AW.
I'M NOT A NERD.
HEY, "SPRINGROLL".
(LAUGHS) YOU-A LOST-A? (LAUGHS)
WHAT?
YEAH. HEY, JOEY, IS THIS YOUR
NEW SIDEKICK?
I LOVE HIM. YEAH.
WHAT? I'M A SIDEKICK?
IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS,
SHIFTY.
HEY, YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE NICE
TO HIM.
HUMP YOUR FACE, SHIFTY.
DUDE, YOU SHOULDN'T BE TELLING ME
TO HUMP MY FACE ALL THE TIME, MAN.
I'M NOT THE KIND OF GUY YOU
WANNA MAKE AN ENEMY OUT OF.
I DID A LITTLE TIME.
WHAT?
WE'VE BEEN TELLING YOU TO HUMP
YOUR FACE FOR YEARS.
XIANGZHENG, TELL HIM TO HUMP HIS
FACE.
OH, TELL HIM TO HUMP HIS FACE.
COME ON, TELL HIM.
HUMP YOUR FACE, SHIFTY.
HUMP YOUR FACE.
YOU KNOW WHAT, GUYS?
ONE OF THESE DAYS I'M GONNA
FREAKING SNAP.
OH HE JUST...
AH! (GRUNTS)
(GRUNTS)
(GRUNTS)
(GRUNTS)
(GRUNTS)
I LOVE THAT!
(GRUNT)
I DID TIME FOR EIGHT MINUTES.
(GRUNTS)
(LAUGHS)
YOU GUYS ACTUALLY HURT HIM.
WHATEVER.
I'LL SHOW YOU MOTHERFUCKERS.
(GRUNTS) HEY, HEY.
FUCKFACE. (GRUNTS) I SAID, HEY.
I SAID, HEY. I SAID, HEY
FUCKFACE.
YEAH, NONE OF US ARE CALLED
FUCKFACE.
FUCKFACE.
AW, HEY. LARRY?
YEAH.
WANNA TRY AND THROW ANOTHER
FUCKING PINECONE IN MY FACE?
COME ON.
YEAH. COME ON.
YEAH, PICK IT UP.
THAT ONE?
YEAH. THAT'S IT.
YEAH, COME ON.
COME ON.
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA,
WHOA, WHOA.
I LOVE PICKING YOU UP IN THE
MORNINGS.
YEAH.
THAT'S ANOTHER REASON WHY YOU
SHOULD BE SO NICE TO ME.
OH, GOD. SHIFTY, YOU'RE RUINING
IT.
YOU KNOW, I PRETTY MUCH BEEN UP
IN ON THAT.
AW, YEAH.
WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
LUCY PLANE.
I WORK WITH HER.
SHE'S MINE.
SO WHAT? YOU'VE NEVER TOUCHED
HER.
(GRUNTS) DIDN'T I? OH.
WHO ARE YOU GUYS CREEPING ON?
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, SHERRY.
YOU CAN'T STAND THERE.
IT'S NOT YOUR PROPERTY, JOEY.
IT'S MY PARENTS' PROPERTY.
AND YOU DECIDE WHO STANDS HERE?
YEAH. I DO. I DO DECIDE.
FINE. I'LL ASK YOUR DAD.
MISTER WALD!
WHOA, WHOA. WHOA, WHOA. SSH.
DON'T ASK MY DAD. HE HATES YOU.
HE DOESN'T HATE ME.
WHOA, WHATEVER.
HE SHOULD.
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
GOT MY FIFTY BUCKS?
SEE, I DON'T OWE YOU FIFTY
BUCKS.
YOU OWE ME FIFTY BUCKS.
SO YOU'VE HAD SEX?
WHAT?
YEAH.
WITH A GIRL?
YEAH, WITH A GIRL.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
WAIT, WHAT?
THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT.
YOU OWE ME FIFTY BUCKS.
(GRUNTS, COUGHS)
OH, HEY, BUDDY.
GET OFF MY PARENTS' PROPERTY.
YOU WANNA TELL ME WHAT THAT'S
ABOUT?
NO. NO, I DON'T.
SO, UH, WHAT DO YOU DO FOR A
LIVING?
I AM A CULINARY ARTISTE.
SO YOU'RE A CHEF?
HE'S A LINE COOK AT THE MILL.
I'M MORE THAN THAT.
I COULD SET YOU TWO UP, YOU
KNOW?
BULLSHIT.
NO. SERIOUSLY, DUDE. SHE'S BEEN
ASKING ABOUT YOU.
HUMP YOUR FACE, SHIFTY.
WHOA, WHOA, LARRY.
SHUT UP FOR A SECOND.
YOU FUCKING WITH ME, SHIFTY?
NO, DUDE.
SERIOUSLY. NOTHING BUT LOVE,
MAN.
WE'VE BEEN NEIGHBORS, WHAT, TEN
YEARS NOW?
IT WOULD BE AN HONOR FOR ME TO
HOOK YOU UP.
YOU COME BY MY WORK THIS MORNING
AND ALL SHALL BE REVEALED UNTO YOU.
IT CAN PAY TO BE MY FRIEND,
JOEY.
RUN AND TELL AN ADULT.
OH.
(LAUGHS)
FUCK. (GRUNTS)
FUCK YOU.
(GRUNTS) UH. OH.
♪ IT'S STRANGE BUT... ♪
HEY.
CHEER UP.
I'M FINE.
"T.T.F.N."
IS SHE GONE?
WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?
MY PARENTS ARE LEAVING AGAIN.
LET'S GET OUTTA HERE.
YOU GO GRAB VICKS AND MUNCHIES.
I'LL MEET YOU AT MY HOUSE IN AN
HOUR.
OKAY.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
GOTTA GO HAND IN MY ENGLISH
PAPER.
WASN'T THAT DUE MONDAY?
"N.O.Y.B."
(LAUGHS)
I WANNA KNOW WHAT'S UP.
"G.A.L."
(GRUNTS)
I WANNA KNOW WHAT'S UP!
I STILL
LOVE YOU.
STOP.
I'M A LOSER. SHUT UP.
WHOA.
(LAUGH)
OH, YOU AND YOUR PEOPLE ARE SO SMART
AND YET SUCH TERRIBLE ATHLETES.
OH MY... AH, AH.
OH, GEEZ. (LAUGHS)
COME ON.
WE HAVE TO GET GOING.
DUDE, GIVE IT UP.
IT'S TOO LATE.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
WE GOT LIKE NINETEEN MINUTES.
I KNOW A SHORTCUT TO SCHOOL.
OH, WE GOT NINETEEN MINUTES.
WOULDN'T YOU RATHER GET LAID
TODAY?
OH, YEAH.
SINCE YOU'VE HAD SO MUCH SEX.
(GRUNTS)
(LAUGHS)
WELL YOU'D BE A VIRGIN, TOO, IF
YOU DIDN'T FUCK YOUR COUSIN.
I TOLD YOU SHE'S NOT MY BLOOD
COUSIN.
IT'S FINE!
GUYS, QUIT FIGHTING.
AH!
AH!
MY PARENTS WILL KILL ME IF I
MISS ANY MORE SCHOOL.
I'M BARELY PASSING.
WAIT. YOU'RE FAILING?
WHAT'S YOUR AVERAGE, LIKE FORTY
ONE PERCENT?
UH, EIGHTY-ONE.
ASIAN FAIL, GUYS.
FAG.
YOU THINK TODAY MATTERS?
TODAY DOESN'T MATTER.
IT'S ALL ABOUT NEXT YEAR.
AND NEXT YEAR'S JUST SO WE CAN GET THE BEST
GRADES SO WE CAN GET INTO THE BEST UNIVERSITIES.
OH, BUT ONCE YOU GET IN, ONE
DEGREE WON'T CUT IT.
YOU'LL NEED TWO WITH ALL THE SMART KIDS COMING UP
GUNNING FOR THE JOBS THAT WE HAVEN'T EVEN GOT YET.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
FUCK YOUR ASIAN FAIL.
TODAY DOESN'T MEAN SHIT.
SHIT.
WHOA. WHOA.
XIANGZHENG, I'M SORRY.
LET GO OF MY FOOT.
(GRUNTS)
(GRUNTS)
THANKS FOR THE OFFER, JOEY WALD.
I'M GONNA HAVE TO GO HANG
MYSELF.
YEAH. YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU SHOWED ME MY LIFE SUCKS.
NO. YOUR LIFE DOESN'T SUCK.
DON'T HANG YOURSELF.
JUST FUCK SCHOOL.
YEAH! FUCK SCHOOL.
FUCK THE WHOLE SYSTEM.
COME ON.
WELL, IT IS THE FRIDAY BEFORE
SPRING BREAK.
YEAH. COME ON.
(LAUGHS)
FOR ELEVEN YEARS THEY'VE KEPT UP
COOPED UP IN THEIR CLASSROOMS.
YOU PUT THINGS SO THEY SUCK.
FOR ELEVEN YEARS WE'VE LISTENED
TO EVERYTHING THEY HAVE TO SAY.
WE DO WHAT THEY TELL US TO DO,
READ WHAT THEY TELL US TO READ.
WE... WE CAN'T EVEN TAKE A PISS
WITHOUT RAISING OUR HANDS.
WELL, ACTUALLY MISS CUMMINGS DOESN'T
MAKE US ASK TO GO TO THE BATHROOM.
WE CAN JUST GO.
DON'T YOU WANNA CONTROL YOUR OWN
LIFE?
YEAH. I'M ONLY SEVENTEEN, JOEY.
WHAT? ONLY SEVENTEEN?
YOU THINK TWO THOUSAND YEARS AGO WHEN THE LIFE EXPECTANCY
WAS TWENTY-ONE YOU WOULD'VE HEARD ANYBODY SAY,
"WE'RE ONLY SEVENTEEN, JOEY"?
NO.
ALEXANDER THE GREAT WAS CONQUERING
PEOPLE BY THE TIME HE WAS SIXTEEN.
WHEN HE WAS OUR AGE HE HAD A
CITY NAMED AFTER HIM.
WELL, WHAT WAS IT CALLED?
ALEXANDRIA.
BOYS, WE'RE IN THE PRIME OF OUR
LIVES.
YEAH.
WE'RE BETTER, FASTER, STRONGER,
THAN EVER.
NO ONE IS SAFE.
WE CAN DO ANYTHING WE WANT IF WE
PUT OUR MINDS TO IT.
WE CAN DO ANYTHING IN THE WORLD?
CAN I GET SOME KNUCKS HERE?
TONIGHT IS OUR NIGHT.
YEAH, MAN.
ALRIGHT. ALRIGHT. I'M... I'M IN.
I'M IN.
YES.
WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?
WELL, FIRST WE'RE GONNA CALL YOUR FAMILY
AND THEN WE'RE GONNA GET SOME FAKE "I.D."S
AND GO TO THE TITTY BAR.
WE'RE GOING TO THE LAND OF
POONTANG.
POONTANG LAND.
ARE YOU JOKING?
WHAT?
WHAT, YOU THINK IT'S THE EASY?
OH, YOU WANT SOME ILLEGAL "I.D." AND, OH,
MY FAMILY'LL HOOK YOU UP JUST LIKE THAT?
CAN'T THEY?
(SIGHS)
(GRUNTS)
HELLO?
HEY, IT'S ME.
I KNOW SO MANY.
YOU NEED TO BE SPECIFIC, OKAY?
XIANGZHENG:
XIANGZHENG.
OH, HOW ARE YOU?
HEY, HEY, HEY.
XIANGZHENG, ZHENG.
HOLD ON, ONE SECOND.
UH, MY STICKY RICE IS TOO
STICKY.
HOW DO YOU MAKE YOURS LESS
STICKY?
IT'S SO GOOD.
IF YOU PUT TWO CUPS OF RICE AND YOU LEAVE IT
OUT FOR HALF AN HOUR IT WON'T BE AS STICKY.
GOOD (NORMAL VOICE) IDEA.
THAT MAKE IT SO GOOD.
OKAY.
BUT I NEED SOME ILLEGAL "I.D." S.
WELL, YOU KNOW, NOT SAYING IT'S
ILLEGAL. I MEAN...
OKAY. WHAT'S THE PASSWORD?
(CHINESE)
(LAUGHS)
AH, SO DISRESPECTFUL.
YOU SOUND LIKE YOU DON'T EVEN
CARE ABOUT OUR CULTURE, ALRIGHT.
SAY IT LIKE YOU MEAN IT.
(CHINESE)
(LAUGHS)
(FILTERED) THAT'S WHAT I LIKE TO
HEAR
(NORMAL VOICE) MOTHERFUCKER.
OKAY. TEN AND TEN, TWO THIRTY.
TWO... TWO THIRTY?
OKAY?
OKAY. OKAY.
(NORMAL VOICE) ZIANGZHENG? I
LOVE YOU.
I LOVE YOU, TOO.
IT'S NOT THAT EASY.
YES! SO, TWO THIRTY?
WE GOT FIVE AND A HALF HOURS.
WHAT DO YOU WANNA DO? HM?
WE COULD GO HANG YOU AT THE
SCHOOL.
IT'S JUST AN IDEA.
WELL I GOT A BETTER IDEA.
HE'S CRAZY.
RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!
ARE YOU SURE THIS IS A BETTER
IDEA?
DO YOU WANNA HANG OUT WITH US OR
NOT?
WHAT ARE THE PERKS AGAIN?
WE'RE WHITE.
SO?
SO WE CAN SNEAK YOU ONTO A GOLF
COURSE.
UH, DUDE.
THAT'S BLACK PEOPLE.
REALLY?
YEAH.
OH.
MY NEIGHBOR'S A CAB DRIVER.
I'LL GET YOU A JOB.
EAST INDIANS.
MY DAD VOTED FOR NENCHE,
ALRIGHT?
SO?
SO HE OWES US A FAVOR.
IT DOESN'T WORK LIKE THAT
ANYMORE.
WE'RE WHITE.
WE'LL TEACH YOU SOME WHITE
SECRETS.
SSH.
WHITES DON'T HAVE ANY SECRETS.
WE HAVE SECRETS.
WE'RE JUST NOT ALLOWED TO TELL
YOU.
SO WHAT ARE WE DOING AGAIN?
THIS IS THE ONLY CONVENIENCE STORE THAT KEEPS
THEIR TUG MAGS OUT FROM BEHIND THE COUNTER.
TUG MAGS?
TUG MAGS.
WHO PISSED IN YOUR WHEATIES?
THIS IS BAD.
WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE HIM?
(GROWLS)
ABORT?
NO.
I'M SICK OF GETTING MY ASS
KICKED BY THIS LITTLE KID.
THERE'S THREE OF US THIS TIME.
SERIOUSLY?
HE'S JUST A LITTLE BOY.
JUST A LITTLE BOY?
AFTER YOU, MY NEW FRIEND.
OH.
LOOK, IT'S A GOOD ONE.
HEY, YOU.
DON'T LOOK. DON'T LOOK.
HOW OLD ARE YOU KIDS?
WHAT?
WHAT'S SO FUNNY?
WELL THAT'S KINDA FUNNY, RIGHT?
I MEAN COMING FROM YOU.
(SIGHS)
'CAUSE YOU'RE JUST LITTLE.
WHY DON'T YOU GO WAIT FOR MOM IN
THE BACK OF THE COUNTER THERE, OKAY.
I THINK SHE'LL BE BACK IN TEN TO
FIVE MINUTES.
TEN TO FIVE MINUTES?
OW! OW! OW! OW! MY GOD!
AH!
AH! AH!
AH! AH!
AH! OW! OW, MY, OW! OW! WHAT
THE...
OW, WHAT THE... OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.
AH!
CAN I BUY THIS, PLEASE?
SURE.
LET THIS BE A LESSON, PUNKS.
I'M SICK OF YOU PERVERTS IN MY
STORE.
NEXT TIME I'M BREAKING BONES.
OH, I THINK THERE'S BLOOD IN MY
PEE HOLE.
OH, EVERY TIME.
OH SHIT.
IS THIS YOUR NEWEST TRYOUT?
YES, MA'AM. YES.
AND HOW'S YOUR DAY SO FAR?
OH, TODAY COULD BE THE START OF
A BEAUTIFUL AND ODD FRIENDSHIP
THAT LASTS YEARS OR IT COULD
SEVERELY TRAUMATIZE ME.
WE'RE WILLING TO TAKE THE RISK.
WHY ARE YOU BEING WEIRD?
PFT. PARDON ME? WEIRD. PARDON
ME.
IS IT BECAUSE JOEY'S PRETENDING
TO BE UNCONSCIOUS
SO HE DOESN'T
HAVE TO TALK TO ME?
IS THAT WHAT JOEY'S... JOEY WALD!
IS THAT WHAT... NO, I DON'T...
SEE, YOU JUST CAN'T FAKE THIS.
THAT'S FOR REAL.
YOU CAN'T IGNORE THAT.
FOR SURE.
YEAH.
IF HE LIVES, TELL
HIM HE'S A PERVERT.
OKAY.
CAN I BE A PERVERT?
OH.
SHERRY.
SHERRY? CAN I BE A PERVERT?
I'LL TAKE IT AS A YES.
I... I CAN PAY YOU.
WHAT'D YOU DO TO SHERRY?
YOU FUCKER. THAT HURT.
THAT LITTLE KID HIT SO
HARD.
I'M SUPPOSED TO TELL YOU, YOU'RE
A PERVERT.
I AM NOT. CHECK THIS OUT.
OH, YEAH.
YOU DID IT.
I DID. FOR YOU.
YOU DID.
I DID.
YEAH. I... I WILL.
OKAY. DO IT.
OH. AW. BE CAREFUL.
I MIGHT NEED A HANGIE.
GO.
OH, HE'S GOT A BIG BAT.
OKAY. GO, GO, GO!
AH! AH!
HE'S GOT A BIGGER BAT.
GO!
COME BACK YOU JERKS.
AH! AH! AH!
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA. ELVIS.
WAS THAT ONE OR WAS THAT TWO,
DUDE?
THAT WAS ONE, SHIFTY.
IT WAS ONE?
RIGHTEOUS, MAN. RIGHTEOUS.
HEY SHIFTY, YOU SACK OF SHIT.
SOME KIDS ARE HERE TO SEE YOU.
YOU KNOW TECHNICALLY I'M A BOSS
AROUND HERE
AND I CAN WRITE YOU UP WHEN
YOU TALK TO ME LIKE THAT.
OH.
DON'T YOU HAVE TO BE LITERATE TO
WRITE PEOPLE UP?
NO. NO.
ANY MANAGER CAN DO IT.
OH. ALRIGHT.
MAY I?
GO GET 'EM AND BRING 'EM. OH,
BOOBS.
YEAH.
YOU GONNA WRITE THESE UP, TOO,
HUH, BIG BOY?
YEAH, MAYBE A LITTLE BIT.
OH.
WHAT ARE YOU LAUGHING AT?
JUST COUNT FASTER.
OH, HEY, JOEY BOY. BLOW A LEVEL,
MAN.
YEAH.
NO, GIVE IT TO ME. WITH YOUR
PENIS.
SHIFTY, WHEN HAVE I EVER DONE
THAT? NO.
JUST ONE TIME WITH YOUR PENIS.
NO.
YES. WHATEVER, MAN.
WHERE ARE YOUR DOUCHE BAG
FRIENDS ANYWAY?
OH, THEY'RE OUT FRONT.
THEY THINK YOU'RE WEIRD.
THEY DON'T REALLY WANNA SEE YOU.
YEAH, WELL, FUCK THOSE GUYS
ANYWAYS.
OH, HEY, MAN. IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAY.
I JUST PICKED UP SOME SALVIA.
WHAT?
OH, IT'S DRUGS, MAN.
IT'S GONNA GET YOU FUCKED UP,
DUDE.
NO, I'VE NEVER TRIED IT.
OH, IT'S GOOD, MAN.
YOU SHOULD GET SOME IN US.
YOU SAID YOU WERE GONNA GET ME
CLOSER TO LUCY.
OH, OF COURSE, MAN. JUST HANG AROUND.
SHE ALWAYS COMES BY AFTER THE GYM.
YOU'RE IN MY HOUSE NOW SO LET'S
CHECK THIS SHIT, YO.
OOO. YOU, TOO, ELVIS.
YEAH.
I DON'T REALLY DO DRUGS.
OH, NO, IT'S COOL, MAN.
YOU'LL LOVE IT.
HERE IT COMES.
HE'S FINE. SMOKE SOME.
I DON'T FEEL ANYTHING.
HOW 'BOUT NOW?
YEAH.
SOMETIMES...
AT NIGHT...
...I WATCH
YOU WHEN YOU SLEEP.
I CAN'T BELIEVE I GOT
YOU GUYS TO SMOKE THAT SHIT.
HONEY, THIS PUSSY'S NOT GONNA
FUCK ITSELF.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
JUST GIVE ME A SECOND.
I'M TRYING TO GIVE MY SON SOME
ENCOURAGEMENT.
YOU WANT HIM TO JERK OFF IN THE
DINING ROOM, TOO?
HM.
JUST WAIT.
NO, NO, NO.
AIT. WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT,
WAIT, WAIT.
HOLY SHIZIM.
OH MY GOD.
YES, BOYS?
UM.
WHAT'S UP?
UH.
ISN'T JOEY WITH YOU?
UH, UH, WE THOUGHT JOEY COMED
HERE. OR CAME HERE.
CAME HERE.
BUT HE'S OBVIOUSLY NOT HERE.
WE WERE AT THE SCHOOL, UH,
CAFETERIA.
THERE'S THIS HUGE LINEUP.
HUGE.
AND WE WERE WONDERING IF, UH,
THERE WAS ANYTHING WE COULD NIPPLE ON.
NIBBLE ON. FOOD.
YEAH.
LIKE SANDWICHES?
YEAH. I THINK I CAN FIND
SOMETHING. COME ON IN.
OKAY. OH.
WELL DON'T JUST STAND THERE.
CLOSE THE DOOR BEFORE SOME
PERVERTS COME IN.
MISTER WALD.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING,
BUDDY?
HEY. HEY, HEY. YEAH.
HEY BUDDY.
HEY. HEY, YOU.
ME?
YEAH, YOU.
WHAT TIME CAN YOU GET HERE
TONIGHT?
NINE THIRTY.
YOU BETTER BE.
YOU BETTER GET THAT
THING BACK TO ME.
THROW IT HERE.
COME ON, BABY.
THROW THAT THING RIGHT TO ME.
THROW IT HERE, DIRTY BOY.
COME ON.
THROW IT!
OH.
GET AWAY! OH.
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
HELP!
NO, NO, NO, NO. NO.
SO WE'RE STILL ON FOR NINE
THIRTY?
OH, NO.
YES?
I BELIEVE I HAVE SOMETHING
THAT'S YOURS.
UH, IS IT ALIVE?
UH, I THINK SO. YEAH.
WELL, COME ON IN, MAN.
WHERE DO YOU WANT HIM?
JUST DROP HIM.
WHAT'S UP, BUDDY.
OH MY GOD.
WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
HAVE YOU SEEN WHAT YOUR
STEPMOM'S GOT ON?
DID HE DO SOMETHING WRONG OR...
OH, NO, NO.
HE JUST SCARED AN ELDERLY LADY
IN A BARCADE.
REALLY?
OH, YEAH.
IT'S NO BIG DEAL.
NOBODY WAS HURT. HE WAS JUST,
UH, UH, COPULATING WITH A CAR.
HER... HER CAR?
IT'S AN '89 CHEVY.
HE WAS JUST, UH, RIGHT IN THE
GAS HOLE.
FILLING UP WITH PREMIUM, EH?
NO, ACCORDING TO THE OLD BIRD IT
WAS JUST, UH, REGULAR.
WELL, HE'S STILL GROWING, YOU
KNOW.
HAS HE EVER EVEN BEEN WITH A
LADY?
LORD KNOWS I'M WORKING ON IT.
WELL GOOD LUCK WITH THAT.
HEY, THANKS.
HEY GUY.
LITTLE FELLER.
DEEB-A-DABA-DEEB-ADO.
DADDY.
YEAH, HANG IN. HEY, GET
OUTTA THERE.
YEAH, THAT'S GOOD.
OH, YEAH. ALMOST GOT IT.
YEAH.
ALMOST GOT IT.
YEAH. OH. OH. IT'S SO CLOSE,
MAN.
WHY DO I EVEN HAVE TO DO THIS?
IT SHOULD BE THE SERVER'S JOB.
YEAH. SERVERS. RIGHT. TOTALLY.
OH.
SERVERS.
I EVER YOU TELL YOU FINE BITCHES I
USED TO PLAY IN A ROCK AND ROLL BAND.
DID YOU PLAY AN INSTRUMENT,
MELODY? '
CAUSE I COULD TEACH YA.
I COULD TEACH YA TO PLAY THE
RUSTY TROMBONE.
NO, I... I DON'T WANNA DO THAT,
SHIFTY.
DO YOU LIKE ME, MELODY?
YOU MEAN LIKE ON SOME SORT OF
SCALE?
CAUSE I LIKE YOU, MELODY.
I LIKE THE WAY YOU MOVE.
WELL I LIKE THE WAY
YOU MOVE.
OH
OH.
EW, I CAN FEEL HIS
AIR BONER FROM HERE.
I'M SORRY. YOU'RE BOTH MAKING ME
REALLY UNCOMFORTABLE.
OH, LOOK. I'M GETTING A HARD ON.
SHIFTY.
OH.
I DON'T WANNA KNOW WHAT GOES ON
IN YOUR PANTS.
DO I HAVE TO GET MISTER BARON DOWN
HERE TO TELL HIM YOU'RE COMING ONTO ME?
OH, YOU WANT HIM TO WATCH ME,
PERVERT?
I LOVE IT. OH. OH.
OH. GOD!
AH.
THAT CHICK SO WANTS MY DICK,
ELVIS.
SHUT UP. GET BACK TO WORK, PIG
FACE.
HE'S FUCKED.
FUCK.
HERE, JOEY.
WHAT?
OH GOD. DON'T TOUCH ME
WITH YOUR SPIT. EW.
WHY ARE YOU DRESSED LIKE
A SLUTTY SCHOOLGIRL?
WELL IF YOU MUST KNOW YOUR FATHER
WAS ABOUT TO GIVE ME THE STRAP.
AND THEN YOUR FRIENDS SHOWED UP.
SORRY.
CAN YOU SAY THAT AGAIN AN TWIRL
YOUR FINGER THROUGH YOUR HAIR?
QUIT BEING SUCH A PERVERT,
LARRY.
GOD.
OH.
EVERYTHING HURTS.
THIS IS A BAD OMEN.
WE SHOULD BE IN SCHOOL.
SSH.
AH!
I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY.
AH! AH.
OH, I'M SORRY.
AH.
I HAD TO DO THAT.
I DON'T WANT ANY OF YOUR ASIAN
SUPERSTITIONS.
WE'RE DOING THIS, OKAY?
HEY, SO WHY DOES SHERRY THINK
YOU'RE A PERVERT?
SHE IS.
AND SHE THINKS I CAN'T GET LAID.
IS THAT WHAT YOU TWO BET ABOUT?
OH, IT IS. ISN'T IT?
OH. DAD, I KNOW THIS IS A WASTE
OF BREATH BUT...
COULD I PLEASE HAVE SOME
SPENDING MONEY?
OKAY. HOW MUCH DO YOU NEED?
DAD, I BET HER.
BUT I'M GONNA WIN THIS TIME.
AH.
HOW MUCH DO YOU GOT?
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?
OKAY. WHAT IS IT FOR?
IT'S FOR A GIRL.
NICE.
YEAH, YOU CAN HAVE MONEY.
I'M GONNA FUCK HER SISTER.
HUH?
THAT'S AN ODD CHOICE.
YOU KNOW I'VE ALWAYS RESPECTED
YOU AS A MAN.
XIANGZHENG.
OH.
SO IF YOU EVER GET TIRED OF HIS
SHTICK,
FIVE, FIVE, FIVE, FOUR,
FIVE, SIX, FIVE.
JUST BEAT IT.
YOU'RE ONE NUMMY BABY.
RUN ALONG NOW, CHINATOWN.
YOU'RE RETARDED.
YOU DON'T HAVE A CHANCE WITH
LUCY.
WHY NOT?
'CAUSE GIRLS DON'T LIKE YOU.
YOU DON'T KNOW, MAN.
GIRLS LIKE ME.
I KNOW THEY DO.
THEY'RE JUST SO CONFUSING.
YOU'RE TOO UGLY.
SHE WANTS ME.
YOUR DAD JUST WENT RACIST ON ME.
OH, OH. XIANGZHENG.
DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY.
WE JUST DON'T LIKE ASIANS.
KNOCK ON THE DOOR...
SSH.
IT'S TWO THIRTY.
I'M KNOCKING.
WHAT?
WHAT'S YOUR
PROBLEM?
DUDE, THEY'RE NOT LIKE WHITE PEOPLE ALL LOOSY
GOOSY AND FANCY FREE WITH THEIR TIMES.
ASIANS ARE VERY PUNCTUAL.
OKAY. IT'S TWO THIRTY.
XIANGZHENG.
HEY.
HOW ARE YOU?
GOOD. HOW YOU... OH, DAMN. IT'S
GOOD.
IT'S GOOD.
HOW ARE YOU?
I'M LETTING IT LOOSE.
I'M HANGING OUT, YOU KNOW.
HANG OUT WITH MY WANG OUT.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? WHO 'DIS?
UH, THIS IS LARRY WHITE.
WHO'S THIS?
UH, JOEY WALD.
SO HANDSOME. HELLO. YOU GUYS
RATS?
ARE YOU GUYS RATS?
NO.
YOU SEE SOMEONE OUT HERE?
HUH? MAN, BLUE SUIT.
WHITE HAT ABOUT THIS TALL.
NO.
NO, SORRY.
YOU, HUH?
NO.
NO ONE SEE HIM? HUH? OKAY.
YOU GUYS WANT SOME FAKE "I.D." S?
UH, YEAH. WE'RE TRYING TO GET
INTO THE TITTY BAR.
TITTY BAR.
THAT'S WHAT
I LIKE TO HEAR.
MOTHERFUCKER.
YEAH.
YEAH. BECOME A MAN, YOU KNOW.
SEE, SON. NO! NOT YOU.
I DON'T WANT YOU AROUND, OKAY?
STAY OFF. OKAY? STAY OFF.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE BUT I
DON'T WANT TO BUY IT, OKAY?
COME INSIDE.
YAH, TAKE OFF YOUR
SHOES.
HURRY UP.
I DON'T HAVE ALL DAY.
AYA. THANK YOU. VERY RESPECTFUL.
YOU KNOW, MAN IN BLUE SUIT WITH
THE WHITE HAT IS NOT
A FIGMENT OF MY IMAGINATION
IF THAT'S WHAT YOU THINK?
ALRIGHT? HE'S VERY ELUSIVE.
I CATCH HIM TWO TIMES.
BUT HE'S SO SLIPPERY.
I CAN'T SQUEEZE THAT TIGHT.
OKAY.
XIANGZHENG, YOU GO FIRST, OKAY?
HERE WHAT WE GONNA DO. OKAY?
YOU'RE GONNA SQUISH YOUR FACE
TOGETHER LIKE A WHITE MAN, OKAY?
IT CONFUSES THEM, ALRIGHT?
THERE WE GO.
GOOD.
OH, GOOD, GOOD. ONE MORE.
ONE.
SQUISH IT.
THERE.
GOOD, GOOD. OKAY. LET'S GO.
OKAY.
LET'S GO.
NOW FROWN FOR ME, OKAY.
FROWN.
OKAY. GOOD. THERE, THERE.
LET'S GET SOME MORE.
GOOD. GOOD. OKAY.
NOW I WANT YOU TO FLEX YOUR
TRAPS LIKE THIS, OKAY?
FLEX LIKE THIS, OKAY? GOOD.
GOOD.
YOU SEE, FROWNING MAKE YOU LOOK
UNAPPROACHABLE.
IT SAY FUCK OFF, OKAY.
PEOPLE THINK YOU KNOW WHAT YOU
TALKING ABOUT, OKAY.
AND FLEXING YOUR TRAP, OKAY...
MAKE IT LOOK LIKE YOU HAVE
WORKOUT NECK, OKAY.
A KID LIKE YOU DON'T WORK OUT.
OKAY?
OKAY.
GOOD.
LOOK HERE.
OKAY. GOOD. OKAY.
YEAH, GOOD, GOOD.
ONE MORE.
KEEP GOING, OKAY.
KEEP GOING.
THERE. THERE, THERE.
GOOD, GOOD. THANK YOU.
SO HANDSOME. SO CUTE.
YOU PROBABLY DON'T EVEN NEED
"I.D."
OH, YOU SHOW UP, THE GIRL LOVE
YOU, YOU KNOW.
THEY SAY, "OH, HE'S SO GOOD
LOOKING.
COME SIT WITH US.
COME SIT WITH US."
OH. OKAY. ONE MORE.
GOOD.
OH. SO CUTE.
SO WONDERFUL.
ONE DOWN HERE.
(LAUGHS) GOOD, GOOD, GOOD, GOOD.
GOOD. ONE FROM BEHIND. (LAUGHS)
GO, GO, GO! (CHINESE)
LET'S GO CHOW MIEN. CHOP, CHOP.
OH. WHAT THE HELL DID YOU JUST
CALL ME?
NOTHING. NOTHING.
YOU JUST CALL ME CHOW MIEN?
NO. NO. NO, NO, NO.
IF YOU DON'T CALL ME CHOW MIEN,
THEN WHAT THE HELL YOU JUST CALL ME?
I DIDN'T...
WHAT THE HELL?
NO, I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING.
NO. YOU CALL ME CHOW MIEN?
NO, NO, NO.
YOU CALL ME CHOW MIEN?
WHO JUST CALL ME CHOW MIEN?
THAT'S NOT WHAT I SAID. NO, I
DIDN'T SAY THAT.
NO! THAT'S DISRESPECTFUL, OKAY.
NO.
I DON'T... I DON'T CALL YOU
TURKEY SANDWICH, OKAY?
I CALL HIM A TALL GLASS OF
WATER, OKAY?
AH! OH MY GOD. AH! OH!
YOU LIKE THIS? YOU LIKE THAT?
YOU LIKE THAT?
'CAUSE I OWN YOU NOW.
YOU CALL ME CHOW MIEN,
I CALL THOSE CHICKEN BOWELS.
OKAY.
IT'S SO JUICY.
I'M GONNA EAT THEM, OKAY.
'CAUSE I OWN THEM.
I'M GONNA COOK THEM, OKAY?
I'M GONNA LIKE THEM OKAY? I OWN
YOU!
I TOLD HIM NOT TO SAY SHIT.
SO, WHAT BAR ARE YOU GOING TO?
UH, THE MILL.
UH, YOU NEVER GET IN THERE.
WHY?
(WHIMPERS)
NOW REMEMBER, THIS PICTURE LOOK
LIKE YOU.
BUT NOT THE PERSON YOU ARE.
IT'S STILL YOU ON THE INSIDE.
FIFTY-SIX BUCKS PLEASE.
HOW MUCH ARE THEY EACH?
TWENTY-EIGHT BUCK PER PIECE.
HIS FREE.
I OWN HIM.
I OWN HIM NOW.
THANKS.
WHY'D YOU SAY WE WOULDN'T GET
INTO THE MILL.
THE MILL HAS A DRESS CODE.
YOU KIDS, YOU DRESS LIKE KIDS.
DRESS CODE.
LET ME FIND YOUR CHANGE, OKAY?
AH, THERE YOU GO.
UH...
COME ON. COME ON.
KEEP THE CHANGE.
OH, THANK YOU.
SO NICE. AH. THANK YOU. VERY
RESPECTFUL.
GO, GO, GO. GO, GO, GO, GO!
I'LL CALL YOU LATER.
ALRIGHT, DUDE.
LET'S CHECK 'EM OUT.
I PAID FOR THOSE.
GIVE US OUR "I.D." COCK KNUCKLE.
OH, YEAH. DRY CORNER YOU.
SERIOUSLY. GIVE ME MY "I.D."
DICKWAD. I'M GONNA KILL YOU.
(GRUNTS)
I'M TWENTY-THREE.
WE LOOK LIKE MORONS.
AND THEY SAY OUR REAL NAMES.
WELL, DUH.
HOW WOULD WE USE IT IF IT HAD
SOMEONE ELSE'S NAME ON IT?
WE'RE NOT TRYING TO BOARD A
PLANE.
WHAT IF WE GET CAUGHT?
CAUGHT MY POONTANG, YOU MEAN?
NO, THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEAN.
(GRUNTS) I NEED SOMEBODY TO HELP
ME UP. (GRUNTS)
I THINK WE LOOK RUGGED.
OKAY. SO I'M NINETEEN.
YOU'RE TWENTY-THREE.
WHAT DOES YOURS SAY?
TWENTY-SIX.
YOU LOOK LIKE AN ORIENTAL BABY.
OH. OH, WE HAVE TO CHANGE.
REMEMBER WHAT HONG SAID ABOUT
OUR CLOTHES.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY CLOTHES?
WELL ACCORDING TO GOOGLE SEARCH
ON BAR DRESS CODE...
NO FLIP FLOPS, NO SNEAKERS, NO HATS, NO
BAGGY CLOTHES, AND AVOID JEANS IF POSSIBLE.
WE'RE SCREWED.
WELL, WE GOTTA CHANGE.
WHAT DO YOU GOT?
DUDE, HE JUST DESCRIBED ALL OF
MY CLOTHES.
I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT YOUR
CLOTHES.
OH. NO! NO! JOEY, NO, NO, NO!
JOEY! JOEY!
NO. NO. NO, NO, NO. HEY, NO! NO!
THAT'S... MY DAD'S GONNA BE HOME
ANY MINUTE.
HE'LL KILL ME IF HE KNOWS...
WHAT... WHAT'D YOU SAY YOUR DAD
DID, AGAIN? '
CAUSE HE'S GOT SOME STYLISH
CLOTHES.
WHOA.
LARRY, YOUR FATHER'S HOME.
HEY, YOU. NO, NO, NO.
FUCK YOU.
(SQUEALS) NO. AH! OH.
OH. OH. OH.
XIANGZHENG.
OH. LARRY DISRESPECTFUL.
HUH?
NO.
♪ I WANNA ROCK N' ROLL, ♪
♪ ALL NIGHT AND PARTY EVERY
DAY. ♪
♪ I WANNA ROCK N'
ROLL, ♪
♪ ALL NIGHT AND PARTY EVERY
DAY. ♪
♪ I WANNA ROCK N'
ROLL, ♪
♪ ALL NIGHT AND PARTY EVERY
DAY. ♪
♪ I WANNA ROCK N' ROLL,
ALL NIGHT AND PARTY EVERY DAY. ♪
♪ I WANNA ROCK N' ROLL,
ALL NIGHT AND PARTY EVERY DAY. ♪
♪ I WANNA ROCK N' ROLL,
ALL NIGHT, WHAT UP GENE ♪
♪ I DEVELOPED MY FAN BASE,
WHILE OTHERS DID COVERS, LIKE BAND-AIDS, ♪
♪ AND OPENED UP SHOWS FOR BIG
NAMES, ♪
♪ I LOOKED ON, I NEVER GOT PUT
ON, ♪
♪ THE ONLY THING I'M STRUGGLING FOR,
IS TO KEEP ON MAKING GOOD SONGS, ♪
♪ THESE KIDS BEEN ON MY MONKEY CARD
NOW, FROM CALGARY TO WORLDWIDE, ♪
♪ HOLDING YA'LL DOWN, IT'S YOUR BOY
TRANSIT, I'M THE KING OF THE GOLDEN ERA, ♪
♪ LABELED SO MANY SHIRTS,
THEY CALL ME SHAKEVERA, ♪
♪ DEAR MISTER HANGING ON, DEAR MISTER
LABEL HEAD, DEAR MISTER MONEYBANKS, ♪
♪ KING OF THE LIVING DEAD,
I AM NOT A ZOMBIE, WALK AROUND BLINDLY, ♪
♪ THESE ARE MY OWN TERMS, IF YOU
WANNA SIGN ME ♪
♪ ON MY OWN TERMS ♪
♪ ON MY OWN TERMS... ♪
WHERE ARE YOU OFF TO LOOKING SO
GOOD?
AND I'M NOT TALKING TO YOU,
JOEY.
WHAT THE HELL IS SHE DOING HERE?
WHERE ARE WE GOING?
IT'S NOT EVEN FOUR YET.
YOU, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA TELL
YOUR LOVER, MAN?
LET GO OF ME.
I'M GOING TO PUNCH
YOU IN THE THROAT.
HI SHERRY. SO NICE TO BUMP
INTO YOU AGAIN.
WISH I COULD SAY THE SAME.
VICKI, THAT'S LARRY.
THAT'S THE GUY WITH THE COMPLEX
ASIAN NAME.
AND THIS IS SEXLESS MCGEE.
I JUST GO BY JOEY
THOUGH.
"I.Y.D."
CHECK IT.
IS SHE DRUNK?
AND, UH...
HUH?
AND I AM LARRY.
OH, THAT WENT DIFFERENTLY IN MY
HEAD.
YOU HURT?
HEY, I'M XIANGZHENG. I'M...
...A FRIEND OF THEIRS.
HEY.
WHOA.
SHE'S GONNA TAKE HIM OUT.
WHOA, WHAT THE...
OH, THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE DOING.
IT'S HAPPENING AGAIN.
"W.Y.R.N."
WHERE ARE YOU GUYS GOING?
I DON'T KNOW THAT THAT MEANS.
WHAT WAS THAT PLACE WE WERE
GOING TO?
I CAN'T RE-
OH, NO.
I GOT IT! I... THE BAR, BITCHES.
HOW YOU GONNA GET IN?
WE JUST SO HAPPEN TO HOLD TWO
PIECES OF "I.D."
THAT SAY WE ARE THE PROPER
AGE TO CONSUME ALCOHOL.
UH-HUH. YEAH, CAN I SEE THIS
HIGH QUALITY IDENTIFICATION?
HELL NO, BITCH.
YEAH?
IF YOU CALL ME A BITCH AGAIN, I'M GONNA THUMP
YOU ON THE HEAD WITH THE FIRST THING I GRAB.
YOU WANNA GO FOR A DRINK?
I LIVE JUST OVER HERE AND MY
PARENTS ARE "AWOL".
VICKI.
WE'LL TALK IT O-
IT MIGHT BE
DOABLE.
YEAH, I'M... I'M... I'M IN.
DO YOU WANNA KEEP FIGHTING?
DO YOU?
YEAH, I DO.
LET'S FIGHT.
OKAY. COME ON.
OH, IT'S OKAY.
COME ON.
DON'T HURT YOURSELF.
DON'T HURT YOURSELF.
OH. OH. TIME OUT, SHERRY. GEEZ.
(GRUNTS) OW. (GRUNTS) OH.
NO, SHERRY.
I SAID TIME OUT.
YOU'RE CRAZY.
NO.
WHY ARE YOU SUCH A PERVERT,
JOEY?
YOU ARE. UGH.
GOOD ONE.
AW. AH. OH.
WHAT JUST HAPPENED?
THANK YOU.
WHY DO I GET THE YELLOW SHOT?
TO A DRINK BEFORE THE BAR.
THAT'S A GOOD TOAST.
DRINKING TO TOAST DRINKING
BEFORE GOING TO A PLACE TO DRINK.
CHEERS.
MM.
(GAGS)
(GAGS)
AH! HA.
(GAGS)
YOU KNOW, VICKI, THERE IS A
SCIENCE TO THIS.
IT'S CALLED MIXOLOGY.
YOU MADE THAT ONE UP.
YES, SIR.
THERE YOU ARE, GOOD SIR.
YOUR SHOTS ARE PREPARED.
ARE YOU...
CAN I DO THAT FOR YOU?
NO.
ALRIGHT.
AND A TOUCH OF FLAME.
WOW.
OOO.
TO THE BAR?
TO THE BAR.
THAT'S TASTY.
I DON'T THINK THE FIRST SHOTS...
BURN.
TO THE BAR.
OH, THAT IS PRETTY GOOD.
WELL-DONE, GOOD SIR.
DON'T WORRY.
I DON'T KNOCK BITCHES DOWN.
JUST UP. AH! AH!
WHOA.
OH! LARRY!
GIVE ME THIS.
OH GOD.
LARRY! LARRY! LARRY, LARRY.
LARRY.
OH.
OH MY GOD.
WAS THAT NECESSARY?
UH, YEAH.
YOU... I THINK YOU JUST SAVED HIS
LIFE.
GOD, VICKI.
WHY WOULD YOU HAND ME THAT?
WHAT?
LARRY. LARRY.
I'M NOT INVOLVED.
LARRY.
IS HE ALIVE?
I CAN'T GO TO JAIL.
NO, HE'S OKAY.
IT'S OKAY. HE'S... WELL, HE'S... HE'S GOT A
LITTLE BUMP ON THE HEAD AND NOTHING SERIOUS.
HE'S FINE. WHAT WOULD LARRY DO?
AND ONE FOR YOU.
THIS IS AWESOME.
AND ONE FOR ME.
AND ONE FOR YOU.
COME ON.
AND ONE FOR YOU.
HURRY. HE'S GONNA WAKE UP.
I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN DO THIS,
GUYS.
YOU MIND IF I JUST WATCH?
WATCH AWAY, GOOD BUDDY.
BUT I'M NOT GONNA LET MY FRIEND GO TO THE TITTY BAR FOR
THE FIRST TIME LOOKING LIKE HE JUST BLEW THE HUMAN TORCH.
WHAT THE HELL?
WHAT ARE YOU ALL DOING STANDING
AROUND HERE?
LET'S DANCE, HUH? WOO.
YO.
YO.
CAN YOU TELL HIM HE CAN'T COME
IN?
GOT IT.
YO.
YO, DUDE.
WHAT THE HELL?
OU CAN'T BE HERE, MAN.
I NEED TO KNOW WHAT'S UP.
OH.
NO! HEY! I NEED TO KNOW WHAT'S
UP. WHAT'S UP?
YO.
YO. (LAUGHS)
YOU KNOW, I DON'T THINK YOU HAVE TO WORRY
THAT GIRLS DON'T WANNA SLEEP WITH YOU.
I'M PRETTY SURE LARRY'S
ATTRACTED TO YOU.
YOU KNOW, SHERRY.
YOU DON'T ALWAYS HAVE TO PUSH MY
BUTTONS.
I'M NOT TRYING TO PUSH YOUR
BUTTONS.
I'M TRYING TO HELP YOU.
YEAH, RIGHT.
BUT THAT'S WHAT YOU DO, ISN'T
IT?
YOU'RE A MIXER UPPER.
NO, NO!
OH. WHAT THE HELL?
OH.
I COULD TEACH YOU WHAT GIRLS
LIKE.
WELL, WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT
GIRLS?
I AM A GIRL, JOEY.
YEAH, RIGHT.
NO.
I'M NOT A SEAFOOD GUY, SHERRY.
I THOUGHT MAYBE YOU WOULD'VE PICKED
THAT UP OVER THE PAST FIFTEEN YEARS.
SHUT UP AND TRY IT.
LICK IT.
♪ TAKE ME AWAY... ♪
STICK IT IN.
♪ TAKE ME AWAY, ♪
THAT'S ACTUALLY REALLY
GOOD.
THANKS.
SO WHY DO YOU HAVE TO SNEAK INTO
THE BAR SO BADLY.
I'M... SOME HOT CHICK ASKED ME TO
MEET HER THERE AT NINE THIRTY.
AS IF.
FUCK OFF.
I'M SERIOUS.
WOO. ARE YOU ALL READY
FOR YOUR BIG DATE, STUD?
I THINK SO.
UM, ACTUALLY, NOT
QUITE.
YO.
YO.
FUCK.
CUT STRIP INTO DESIRED
SIZE AND SHAPE.
SO, WHAT'S HER NAME?
CAN'T BE EXPECTED TO REMEMBER
ALL THE NAMES, SHERRY.
GOT QUITE A FEW ON THE GO.
LARRY, IF YOU DON'T TELL ME.
OH MY...
I'M KIDDING.
HOLY.
WHY THE HELL WAS THAT SO SCARY?
WHAT THE HELL'S IN THIS SHIT?
OKAY.
ARE YOU SURE YOU CAN'T FIND ONE LITTLE
NAME IN THAT THICK NOGGIN OF YOURS?
THERE'S A LOT OF STUFF IN THIS
THICK NOGGIN.
OR I MIGHT... OR I MIGHT NOT
KNOW.
OR I MIGHT NOT KNOW.
ARE YOU LYING TO ME, LARRY?
NOT NOW.
BEFORE.
SOMETIMES I LIKE, OKAY.
I'M NOT PROUD OF IT. OKAY?
NO! NO! OKAY.
THERE'S... THERE'S NOT ANOTHER
GIRL.
THERE'S NOT A... THERE'S NOT
ANOTHER GIRL.
(SIGHS, SNIFFS) NO PAIN, NO
GAIN. (SIGHS, PANTS) AH! AH! AH!
(SIGHS, SNIFFS) NO PAIN, NO
GAIN. (SIGHS, PANTS) AH! AH! AH!
WHAT'S UP, YO?
AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO BE HIS
FRIENDS?
YOU GUYS KNOW WHAT HE DOES.
WELL ACTUALLY I BARELY KNOW THE
GUY.
WE KINDA JUST STARTED HANGING
OUT THIS MORNING.
WHAT IF IT'S LIKE WHEN THAT FRENCH CHICK
ASKED HIM TO COME OVER AND PET HER BEAVER.
IT'S NOT LIKE THAT TIME.
AH.
AND SERIOUSLY, WHO RAISES
BEAVERS?
WHERE'S THE DEMAND THERE?
REMEMBER WHEN YOUR HOME EC PARTNER
ASKED YOU OVER TO STUFF CLAM?
YEAH.
DELICIOUS.
HOW 'BOUT HIS FACE WHEN... WHEN
HE TOLD US, UH,
"HER DAD IS ACTUALLY A SEAFOOD
CHEF."
HOW 'BOUT THE TIME, UH, HE, UH,
HE MOTOR BOATED THE NURSING MOTHER.
HOW COULD THAT HAPPEN?
WELL SHE'S JUST SITTING THERE AND THEN SHE SMILES
AT ME AND PULLS OUT THESE BIG OLD TITTIES.
LIKE WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO
THINK?
AND YOU CAN'T EVEN SEE THE BABY,
IT'S SO SMALL.
AND WHATEVER.
IT'S NOT LIKE THAT TIME,
ANYWAYS.
I'M NOT THAT GUY ANYMORE.
I'M AT THE TOP OF MY GAME.
YO, YOU GOT, UH, YOU GOT
SOMETHING ON YOUR PANTS THERE.
WHAT? OH.
OH, IT'S LIKE RIGHT IN THE
MIDDLE OF YOUR CROTCH.
WHERE?
ALRIGHT.
IT LOOKS LIKE A... OH, A FLICKY,
FLICKY.
OH, GOD.
OH. OH.
WE GOTTA ROLL.
OH, ACTUALLY, I DON'T THINK MY
NIGHT CAN GET ANY MORE LUCKIER.
SO I'M JUST GONNA...
I'M JUST GONNA HANG. POW.
HAVE FUN AT THE BAR.
YOU GUYS COOL?
NEED ANYTHING?
OH. THANKS FOR THE DRINKS AND
STUFF.
WILL I SEE YOU LATER?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW?
LET'S GO, GOOD FRIEND.
NO. LEAVE ME ALONE.
MAN, THAT'S MEAN.
WE'RE OFF TO THE BAR!
SERIOUSLY, LEAVE ME ALONE.
HELL, NO. YOU NEVER GET IN HERE.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
COME ON.
YO, BACK OF THE LINE.
MY... MY GIRLFRIEND'S IN THERE.
YOU GOT YOUR "I.D.", MAN.
MAY I SEE SOME IDENTIFICATION,
PLEASE?
OH, YEAH. YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
UM, SHIFTY. I'M... I... SHIFTY FROM
THE KITCHEN IS... UH, I'M HIS NEIGHBOR.
WHO, THE WHAT?
HONG?
WHAT THE HELL YOU CALL ME?
NOTHING. I'M SORRY. UM, NOTHING.
UM, MY FRIEND HERE, HE'S
RETARDED.
AND, YOU KNOW, HE'S NEVER BEEN
TO THE TITTY BAR.
AND HE DOESN'T HAVE MUCH TIME
LEFT.
COULD YOU JUST PLEASE LET US IN.
WE'D LIKE TO COME INSIDE
ESTABLISH... YOUR ESTABLISHMENT.
MM. GOOD JOB, LARRY. GOOD JOB.
YOU KIDS, UH, UNDER AGED KIDS?
OH, NO. NO, SIR.
RUN. RUN. RUN FOR OUR LIFE!
COME ON. COME ON. COME ON. COME
ON.
WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED OF ME?
HEY, YOU CRY LIKE A BIG CHICKEN.
YOU RUN AWAY. CA-CA-CA-CA-CA.
CA-CA-CA-CA-CA.
LIKE A BIG CHICKEN.
HONG. YOU GOTTA LET US IN, DUDE.
THESE "I.D." 'S SO GOOD.
THEY EVEN FOOL ME.
(LAUGHS) WELL WE GOT 'EM FROM
THE BEST.
YEAH, YOU'RE SO HANDSOME.
SO CUTE.
STOP.
SO BEAUTIFUL.
LOOK AT THIS.
SO CUTE.
STOP.
I LOVE IT.
I LOVE THIS.
HONG. PLEASE.
PLEASE STOP.
OKAY.
YEAH?
GO INSIDE.
YOU HAVE FUN, OKAY?
THANK YOU. THANK YOU SO MUCH.
(GRUNTS)
HEY, LARRY.
LARRY?
COME ON, MAN.
BRING IT IN.
NO! NO! GO INSIDE!
EXCUSE ME.
I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY.
GEEZ. JUST... IT'S REALLY
CROWDED.
I'M SORRY.
YO.
LINE STARTS IN THE BACK.
OH, I'M... I'M SUPPOSED TO SEE
HER.
YEAH, ME, TOO.
I'M GONNA GO FUCK HER ON HER
BREAK.
HI. SO, SIX "ZAMBOLT'S", THREE BEERS,
TWO SCOTCH ON THE ROCKS, AND YOU LOOK HOT.
CAN YOU REPEAT THAT?
I SAID YOU LOOK HOT.
NO, I GOT THAT PART.
WHO CARES WHAT YOU ORDERED.
HE JUST WANTS TO LOOK AT YOUR TITS
AND ASS WHILE YOU BRING IT TO HIM.
IS THAT JEALOUSY?
THAT'S A BIT DIFFERENT FROM
LUNCHTIME.
IF I SAW SOMEONE I WOULDA DONE
SOMETHING.
HOW COULD YOU SEE SOMEONE?
HE WAS JUST THROWING A SHOE AT
MY FACE.
LUCY?
JOEY.
HEY... WHOA.
COME HERE.
WHOA.
I BELIEVE YOU DRINK THESE.
YEAH.
YOU KNOW, YOU EVER FEEL LIKE YOU'RE
JUST NOT QUITE GETTING SOMETHING?
IT SEEMS LIKE A MISSING PART OF
MY MEMORY.
CAN YOU TELL ME SOMETHING?
NO.
I WILL NOT BREAK.
I WILL NOT BREAK!
I WILL NOT BREAK.
LARRY.
CAN YOU NOT FREAK OUT RIGHT NOW?
WHY? SO I CAN BE LIKE YOU?
JUST SNEAKING IN THE SHADOWS.
SNEAKING IN THE SHADOWS.
DOWN TIME IS PUSSY TIME.
YOU'RE CAUSING TOO MUCH
ATTENTION. LARRY.
HOW 'BOUT YOU? HOW 'BOUT YOU,
PAL?
YOU GOT... YOU GOT A WATCH?
I MEAN DOES I READ PUSSYTIME?
(LAUGHS)
WHY DON'T YOU TAKE YOUR HAND OFF
MY...(LAUGHS)
MY FRIEND HERE.
'CAUSE HE CAN'T GET WITH THE
BARTENDER.
HE WANTS TO GET WITH THE
BARTENDER.
DID YOU... YOU HEAR THAT
PUSSYBOY?
IT'S TIME TO TAKE THIS SHIT
OVER.
YOU JUST GONNA LET HIM LAUGH AT
YOU?
I... I DON'T THINK HE'S LAUGHING
AT ME.
I SAID I DUBBED THIS LAND.
LARRYOPOLIS.
OH.
I'M GONNA GET US SOME MORE
CAESARS.
LEAVE.
LIKE ALWAYS.
NO!
CAUSING TROUBLE?
NO, SIR!
YOU MADE IT, MAN.
OH, GEEZ. SHIFTY, DON'T TOUCH...
HUG IT OUT.
(CONT'D) ...SHE'S RIGHT THERE.
DON'T TOUCH ME.
NO. NO, I DON'T HUG IT.
YOU.
NO.
WHY YOU GOTTA DO ME LIKE THIS,
MAN?
AFTER ALL MY SWEET HOOKUPS.
YOU DIDN'T HOOK UP SHIT. I CAN'T
EVEN GET CLOSE TO LUCY.
IT'S LIKE EVERY GUY IN THIS BAR
IS HERE TO SEE HER.
THEY ARE. YOU HAVE THE
ADVANTAGE.
HOW?
LET ME TELL YOU A LITTLE SOMETHING,
SOMETHING ABOUT LUCY, LUCY.
NO. SHIFTY, I WANT... NO, DUDE.
COME ON.
(CONT'D) LUCY WANTED ME TO GIVE
YOU A MESSAGE, MAN.
REALLY?
YEAH. SHE LIKES YOU JOEY BOY.
DON'T FUCK WITH ME, SHIFTY.
HEY, COME ON, NEIGHBOR.
WOULD I DO THAT?
NOW LISTEN UP.
IN ABOUT TWO MINUTES SHE'S GONNA LEAVE THAT
BAR AND SHE'S GONNA GO TO HER SEX ROOM.
OH.
SHE WANTS YOU TO GO AFTER HER.
SHE SAID ALL THAT?
YEAH.
BUT SHE DON'T WANT YOU TO
CHICKEN OUT THIS TIME, JOEY.
SHE DOESN'T?
NO.
YEAH.
YOU'RE GONNA FUCK HER.
WITH YOUR LITTLE DINKY.
YEAH.
YEAH. YEAH.
SHIFTY! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU
DOING?
UH, I... I GOT HIM, MISTER BARON.
CODE "F".
CODE "F".
UNDERAGER.
AH! COME HERE.
AH! OH, I GOT HIM.
OH.
OH. (MOANS)
FUCK. (SIGHS)
YOU GONNA DO IT OR WHAT, BUDDY?
YEAH. YEAH, I AM.
♪ ...HURTS MORE AND MORE AS THE
STRONGEST, ♪
♪ I'M IN LOVE... ♪
LUCY.
♪ I"M IN LOVE, ♪
♪ I'M IN LOVE.. ♪
HEY, OLD BALLS.
(GRUNTS) HEY, HEY.
SSH. SSH. SSH, SSH.
♪ YOU LOVE THE SOURCE, ♪
♪ I'M IN LOVE... ♪
LUCY.
(GASPS) OH.
HEY, UH. SORRY. I'M LOOKING FOR
MY DATE. AH! AH.
(GRUNTS)
(GRUNTS) LUCY.
LUCY?
LUCY?
HEY.
OCCUPIED.
SORRY.
SO SO-EW.
LUCY?
WHO'S THERE?
UH, IT'S ME. JOEY.
WHAT?
WHAT, JOEY?
HEY.
JOEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
YOU.
HEY. I REALLY SHOULDN'T. (MOANS,
KISS SOUNDS, LAUGHS)
OW.
WHOA.
WHAT?
(GASPS)
OW. (LAUGHS) WHOA! GEEZ! FUCK!
WHOA!
LUCY!
WHY WOULD YOU ASK ME TO COME
HERE?
WHAT, SO YOU COULD JUST BREAK MY
HEART?
YOU KNOW WHAT, FUCK YOU!
FUCK YOU!
YOU WANT THIS?
SHIT.
OH GOD.
COME HERE.
NO, NO, NO.
SO, UH, THAT'S THE EQUIPMENT
SHED.
YEAH, THAT'S THERE.
AREN'T YOU COMING?
LET'S GO UP THE BACK WAY.
NO.
WELL.
OH, THIS ISN'T FAIR. (PANTS)
GET BACK.
I GOT YOU.
WHAT THE-WHO?
THE UNDERAGE.
HELP ME.
HE'S CRAZY.
HE'S FUCKING... HE'S CRAZY.
HOW'S IT GOIN', MAN?
GOOD TO SEE YOU.
GOOD TO SEE YOU.
YOU, TOO.
WHAT?
WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?
HE DROPPED HIS "I.D."
"I.D.", HUH?
I... I THINK THAT... THAT'S MINE.
AH!
I'M GONNA LET YOU ALL FIGURE
THIS OUT.
I GOTTA GO FINISH UP.
AH, COOL, MAN.
SAY HI TO LUCY FOR ME.
SHUT UP.
SO, MISTER WALD.
MISTER WALD.
YEAH?
WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO GO HAVE A
LITTLE CHAT.
EAH?
JUST A LITTLE CHAT.
ABOUT... WHA-WHAT?
WE'RE GONNA GET THE COPS TO SORT
THIS OUT.
THE COPS?
DON'T CALL THE COPS ON HIM,
MISTER BARON.
EXCUSE ME?
I OWN THIS JOINT!
I BLEED INTO THIS ESTABLISHMENT SO THAT MY BENEVOLENT
PATRONS CAN HAVE A NICE, FUN, RELAXING TIME.
AND YOU HAVE THE AUDACITY TO COME IN HERE
AND TREAT IT LIKE YOUR OWN PERSONAL...
WHAT?
FUCKING PLAYGROUND.
NOW THAT, TO ME, IS YOU LOOKING
ME RIGHT IN THE FACE AND SAYING,
"WELL THAT'S A BIG FUCK YOU, MISTER
BARON, AND EVERYTHING YOU STAND FOR."
IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE SAYING?
NO.
BUT, MISTER BARON.
THE COPS, THEY'LL LOCK HIM UP
FOR THE NIGHT.
THAT'S... THAT'S FINE.
I DON'T MIND THAT.
I WOULD... I WOULD ACTUALLY ENJOY
SEEING THAT VERY MUCH.
BUT I'M A MINOR.
YEAH.
IN A BAR.
YOU'RE GONNA SPEND THE NEXT THREE
MONTHS IN JUVIE FOR THAT FAKE "I.D."
CALL THE COPS.
NO. NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
THERE... THERE... THERE HAS TO BE
SOMETHING WE COULD DO.
I COULD MAYBE DO SOMETHING FOR
YOU?
OH, OH.
AND WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO DO?
UH, WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?
YOU JUST SIT RIGHT THERE AND
WAIT.
OH, I WANT THAT ONE!
I KNOW, RIGHT? I CAN TELL 'EM
IT'S A LIQUID BOMB.
AND THEY'RE TAKING IT ACROSS THE
STREET WHERE THE LIQUIDS MIX, BOOM.
AND IT'S JUST SO CUTE.
THEY DO THIS LITTLE PENGUIN
WALK.
I MEAN IT'S... OH, YES.
THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT THEY DO.
HUH?
AH. AH.
I'M GONNA KILL YOU.
I AM GON-
WAIT. NO, NO, NO.
PLEASE.
PLEASE DON'T KILL ME.
PLEASE DON'T KILL ME.
PLEASE DON'T KILL ME.
THIS IS THE GUY.
WE GO ALL THE WAY.
NO. NO. IT'S TOO MUCH.
NOBODY HOOPS THE TIN.
THEY ALWAYS CALL OUR BLUFF.
MAKE HIM WEAR THE HELMET.
HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT A
BLUFF IS.
DIDN'T YOU SEE HOW TERRIFIED HE
LOOKED?
WELL, YEAH, HE'S SCARED.
BUT RAE'S RIGHT.
WE'VE GOT ONE SHOT AT THIS AND IF
HE CALLS OUR BLUFF THE JIG'S UP.
HE'LL DO IT.
IS THIS HOW YOU REPAY ME? HUH?
I'M SORRY.
HONG.
SETTLE.
SETTLE.
NOW, MISTER WALD, I WOULD LIKE NOTHING MORE THAN TO SEE
YOU GO TO JAIL BUT THESE GIRLS DON'T WANT THAT TO HAPPEN.
HE'LL NEVER DO IT.
SSH. SSH. SO THAT MEANS
YOU'RE IN MY DEBT.
AND NOW YOU HAVE ONE OF TWO
OPTIONS TO GET OUT OF MY DEBT.
THIS TIN CONTAINS ITEMS FROM A
MAN WHO WAS SENT HERE TO KILL ME.
I WOULD LIKE YOU TO RETURN THIS TIN
TO THE MAN WHO HIRED HIM AS A MESSAGE.
IF YOU DO THAT, YOU ARE FREE
FROM YOUR DEBT.
REALLY?
MM-HMM.
WELL YOU'VE GOT YOURSELF A DEAL.
ALL I HAVE TO DO IS TAKE THIS TIN
TO THIS GUY AND THEN I CAN GO FREE?
THEN YOU'RE FREE.
AND THEN I KILL YOU.
WHAT? NO DEAL IF HE KEEPS
THREATENING ME LIKE THAT.
HONG WILL NOT KILL YOU.
OH, YEAH, I WILL SO.
HONG.
I WILL PROBABLY NOT KILL YOU.
NO, BULLSHIT. I WANNA HEAR HIM
SAY IT PROPERLY.
HONG.
I WILL NOT KILL YOU.
SO WE'RE AGREED?
OKAY.
YOU GOT A DEAL.
YET.
SEE WHAT I DID THERE?
HONG TIED.
I TRICKED YOU.
NOW THERE ARE A FEW CERTAIN SECURITY
PROTOCOLS THAT MUST BE FOLLOWED.
AND JUST SO THAT THIS IS NOT FOUND,
YOU MUST CONCEAL IT IN YOUR RECTUM.
WHAT?
NO, THAT'S... THAT'S REALLY NOT
NECESSARY.
THESE ARE ALL FULLY FUNCTIONING
POCKETS.
I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR POCKETS.
WE NEED TO MAKE SURE THAT THIS IS
ABSOLUTELY, ONE HUNDRED PERCENT SECURE.
THE ONLY SECURE PLACE ON YOU IS
YOUR ANAL CAVITY.
THEN FUCK THAT.
WHAT'S OPTION "B"?
I TOLD YOU.
NO ONE HOOPS THE TIN.
OPTION "B" IS I GIVE YOU TO
HONG.
AND THEN I GO LOOKING FOR
ANOTHER TIN TO PUT YOUR SHIT IN.
OKAY?
HOW? WELL DON'T YOU HAVE ANYTHING
LIKE JUST A LITTLE MORE AERODYNAMIC?
NOPE.
WELL, TIME'S A WASTIN'.
HERE WE GO. OH. AH. AH.
AH. AH. OH. OH.
OH. AH. OH.
OH. YEAH. OH.
THIS WAS YOUR IDEA.
HO, HO, HO. HEE, HEE.
IT WENT RIGHT IN THERE.
THE WHOLE THING.
OW.
UH, YAH.
SO, UH, WHAT'S, UH, WHAT'S THE
ADDRESS AGAIN? PLEASE.
UH.
NOW WHEN YOU GET TO THE PLACE YOU'LL
WANNA GO TO THE BATHROOM JUST...
JUST PUT IT ON TOP OF THE
TOILET TANK.
THAT'S IT.
OKAY.
AH.
YOU'RE HOLE JUST SWALLOWED THE
WHOLE THING.
JUST WENT RIGHT UP THERE.
NO RESISTANCE.
LIKE IT HAD A HOME FOR IT.
OH.
OH MY GOD.
DID YOU HEAR HIS ASS?
I CAN'T BELIEVE HE DID IT.
WHAT THE HELL DID YOU PUT IN
THERE?
I DON'T KNOW.
A COUPLE BATTERIES.
SOME POCKET CHANGE.
MAYBE SOME THUMBTACKS.
I CAN'T REMEMBER.
OH MY GOD.
DO-DOES THE LID STAY ON VERY
WELL?
NO.
OH.
ARE YOU RETARDED, LITTLE PIG
FACE?
I TOLD YOU NOT TO CALL ME THAT.
OOO, YOU'RE SO SMART.
LOOK AT THE BIG BRAIN ON JOE.
YOU SMART ENOUGH TO KNOW THERE'S
NO HOUSE TO GO TO?
WHAT'S THIS?
THAT'S A PIECE OF PAPER.
T'S A JOKE, JOE.
WE PLAY JOKES ON MINORS WHEN WE
CATCH 'EM.
HELP SCARE 'EM OFF.
BUT NO ONE HAS EVER
HOOPED A TIN BEFORE, DUDE.
THAT IS SO RIGHTEOUS.
I HAVE TO USE YOUR WASHROOM.
OH, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, JOE.
ABSOLUTELY NO MINORS ALLOWED.
YOU GOTTA GO, JOE.
OW. AH. AH. OH.
THIS IS SOME BOMB SHIT, YO.
HOW'S IT GOIN', JOEY?
HOW YOU FEELIN'?
IS YOUR ASS SORE?
WHY?
CAUSE I JUST FUCKED YOU.
THAT'S WHY.
UM, I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE
TALKING ABOUT, SHIFTY.
WHAT... WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN UP TO?
OH, I DON'T KNOW, MAN. PRETTY
BUSY.
FUCKING YOU IN THE ASS!
WHAT?
DO YOU THINK IT'S FUN, JOE?
WHEN YOU AND YOUR WEIRD FRIEND
FUCK ME?
THAT... WHAT ARE YOU... WHAT YOU
GOT, SHIFTY?
DO YOU THINK IT'S FUN WHEN YOU AND
LARRY THROW SHIT AT MY FACE, MAN?
UH.
YOU THINK THAT FEELS GOOD? IT
FUCKING HURTS.
IT'S... IT'S MOSTLY LARRY.
I'LL KILL BOTH OF YA.
WHAT?
LOOK WHAT SHIFTY'S GOT.
OH, GOD.
COME HERE, FUCKFACE.
WHY YOU RUNNIN' FROM ME, JOE?
I JUST WANNA TALK TO
YOU, MAN.
HOLD YOUR PRECIOUS
LITTLE FACE IN MY HANDS.
CUT YOUR FUCKIN' HAIR OFF,
THAT'S ALL.
WHAT'S THE MATTER, JOE?
AREN'T YOU GONNA TELL ME TO HUMP
MY FACE? HUH? HUH?
WHY DON'T YOU TELL ME TO HUMP MY
FACE, JOE? OH.
OH, OH
I'M UP IN YOUR FACE. YEAH. OH,
OH. HOW'S THAT FEEL?
I LIKE HUMPING IT HARD AND DEEP.
YEAH. I'M ALSO HIGH RIGHT NOW.
I THINK I GET A CUDDLE.
NO. NO! NO!
SSH. SSH. NO.
EVERY DAY, JOE, YOU AND LARRY KEEP
PUSHIN' AND PRODDIN' AND GOADING ME.
ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME CRAZY,
JOE?
NO. NO.
YOU WANNA SEE ME CRAZY?
NUH-UH.
I'LL SHOW YA FUCKING CRAZY!
HUMP YOUR FACE, SHIFTY.
HUH.
FUCK ME.
HI, JOEY.
HEY.
I'M NO JOKER NOW.
HEY, HOW WAS THE BAR?
THAT GOOD, HUH?
I SAID, HUMP YOUR FACE, SHIFTY.
YOU'LL RUE THIS NIGHT,
XIANGZHENG.
FUCKING WEIRD GUY.
JOEY?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING, JOEY?
OH. YOU GUYS GOT PIZZA. SWEET.
I'M JEALOUS.
UH, I'LL SEE YOU LATER.
HEY. HEY, JOEY.
DID YOU FUCK THE GIRL YOU'RE
TRYING TO FUCK?
SHUT UP, XIANGZHENG.
OH, SHERRY.
SHERRY.
OH, SORRY.
YOU'RE SUPER COOL NOW.
NO. NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
IT'S NOT LIKE THAT.
IT'S JUST... IT'S BEEN A ROUGH
DAY.
DID I LOSE, JOEY?
WHY DON'T WE GET COMFY?
COMFY, COMFY.
AH.
WHY ARE YOU WALKING
LIKE THAT?
UH, UM, SINCE MY... MY LEGS ARE
SORE FROM ALL THE DANCING.
LOOKS LIKE YOU GOT SOMETHING
SHOVED UP YOUR ASS.
CAN'T SIT DOWN?
WELL IT'S...
STANDING'S COOL.
YEAH?
OH. AH.
OH MY GOD.
I'M SORRY.
I DIDN'T MEAN TO.
I'M SO SORRY.
OH, NO. NO, IT'S FINE.
I'M FINE. AH. AH.
UM, WHAT ARE
YOU... WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I KNOCKED ALL YOUR CHANGE IN THE
GRASS.
I'LL FIND IT.
OH, NO, NO.
DON'T, DON'T, DON'T.
SERIOUSLY.
I'VE... I'VE GOT MORE.
DON'T.
WHAT'S SO FUNNY?
WHOA.
NOTHING.
IT'S JUST, I'VE BEEN
GETTING MY ASS KICKED ALL DAY.
BY THAT KID CLERK,
BY THIS BIG DUDE AT THE BAR, AND
THE BOUNCER,
AND SHIFTY NEARLY KILLED ME.
AND THE ONLY ONE TO MAKE
ME BLEED TONIGHT IS YOU.
WOW.
YOU MUST REALLY LIKE MY SISTER
TO GO THROUGH ALL THAT.
♪ YOU DANCE AROUND THE
SUBJECT... ♪
YOU KNOW THAT?
WHATEVER. SHE WOULDN'T
SCREW YOU.
WHAT? WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO
MEAN?
WHAT DO YOU THINK IT MEANS?
I'LL GIVE YOU A HINT.
IT'S NOT IN CODE.
♪ I LOVE THE WAY YOU LOOK
AT ME... ♪
WHAT?
YOU DON'T THINK I'M OLD ENOUGH
FOR HER?
PROBABLY NOT.
BUT THAT'S NOT THE MAIN REASON.
OH, IT'S 'CAUSE MY FAMILY'S NOT
RICH ENOUGH FOR YOUR FAMILY.
NO, RETARD.
THAT'S NOT A REASON.
IT'S 'CAUSE MY DICK'S
NOT BIG ENOUGH.
WHAT?
NO. YOU HAVE A SMALL
DICK?
NO.
IT'S 'CAUSE I'M NOT GOOD
LOOKING.
YOU'RE GOOD LOOKING, JOEY.
♪ THE ONLY ONE... ♪
REALLY?
♪ JUST MAY BE... ♪
BETTER THAN XIANGZHENG?
WAIT. DON'T ANSWER THAT.
WHY WOULDN'T YOUR SISTER SCREW
ME?
♪ IT'S NO PLACE THAT
I'D RATHER BE... ♪
'CAUSE SHE'S MY SISTER.
♪ YEAH... ♪
SHE WOULDN'T DO THAT TO ME.
WHAT?
OH.
THAT'S DISGUSTING.
UH, YEAH.
SHOULD WE DO SOMETHING?
UH, I GOT IT.
AH. OH.
HEY, XIANGZHENG, YOU DRUNK
LITTLE FREAK.
YOU WENT CRAZY TONIGHT.
DID I PASS, JOEY?
WHAT?
DID I MAKE IT?
YOU STOLE OUR GIRL, PUKED EVERYWHERE,
BUT YOU SAVED MY FUCKING LIFE.
YOU'RE IN.
YEAH, DUDE.
I'M IN.
YOU... YOU NEED ME TO SIGN?
THAT.
IT'S BURNS MY NOSE DRY.
I PUKED OUT MY NOSE. JOEY.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO, JOEY?
WHY? WHAT'S WRONG?
SHE WANTS TO HAVE SEX.
WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?
LARRY SAID HE WOULDN'T LEAVE ME?
AND MY PHONE'S BROKEN.
I CAN'T GOOGLE SEARCH IT.
SSH.
I DON'T KNOW WHICH HOLE TO GO IN
FIRST, JOEY.
OKAY. OH, SSH.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TEMPERATURE THE
LUBRICATION IS SUPPOSED TO BE, JOEY.
OH, SSH.
SSH. SSH. XIANGZHENG?
YEAH.
JUST GIVE ME A MINUTE, OKAY?
A MINUTE?
JUST GIVE ME A MINUTE.
JUST A MINUTE?
JUST A MINUTE.
OKAY.
YOU'RE NOT... NOT GONNA GO FAR?
I'M NOT GONNA LEAVE YOU.
OKAY.
BUT I THINK I PUKED THROUGH MY
NOSE, JOEY.
I CAN'T SEE.
YOU LOOK LIKE A GIRL TONIGHT,
SHERRY.
I GOTTA GO.
XIANGZHENG'S...
FREAKING OUT.
YEAH. A LITTLE BIT.
IT'S JUST, SOMEBODY'S GOTTA TAKE
HIM HOME.
YOU'RE TAKING OFF AGAIN?
NO, COME ON.
HEY MAN.
YOU... YOU CAN'T BE HERE, MAN.
(LAUGHS)
GET OUT OF HERE! I KNEW IT! I
KNEW IT!
I KNOW WHAT'S UP!
MY FIST HAS A HARD ON FOR YOUR
FACE!
I WANNA PUNCH YOU SO MANY TIMES!
SEE YOU AROUND, CHINATOWN!
YOU GOTTA... YOU GOTTA GO THROUGH
ME TO GET TO HIM.
THAT'S HOW IT WORKS.
HEY, BUDDY!
HEY.
YEAH.
WHY IS YOUR PANTS UNDONE?
NEVER MIND.
WHY IS YOUR PANTS UNDONE?
NOTHING.
NOTHING HAPPENED.
LET'S DO IT, LITTLE BUDDY.
COME ON.
OKAY.
HEY, YOU.
YEAH?
YOU LEFT ME BACK THERE, BUD.
AND THEY BROKE ME.
YOU KNOW WHAT, DUDE.
HUMP YOUR FACE.
I HAVE MY OWN PROBLEMS.
WHAT THE HELL DID YOU JUST SAY
TO ME?
YOU HEARD WHAT I SAID.
WHAT THE HELL'D YOU JUST SAY TO
ME?
OH. OH. OH. OH.
I'M SORRY, LITTLE BUDDY.
COME ON.
YOU'RE OKAY.
ARMS UP.
OH.
AH.
OH MY... OH.
OH.
WHAT'S UP? HEY, CALL ME
TOMORROW.
OW.
GOD, YOU'RE A DICK.
AH. AH.
AH.
WHAT'S THAT SOUND?
I DON'T HEAR A THING.
LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE OFF THE HOOK.
YEAH.
I GUESS. OH.
WHOA. ALRIGHT.
OH.
I GOTTA GO.
WHAT?
WELL, SOMEONE'S GOTTA PUT "MISS
SHITTY DRUNK" TO BED. SO...
WHOA.
THAT'S WHAT I'M GONNA DO.
YEAH?
IF YOU WANNA...
I'LL SEE YOU LATER, RIGHT?
WELL, THERE'S NO ONE THERE.
I MEAN YOU COULD...
SHOULD... SHOULD I GO HOME?
YOU WANT ME TO GO HOME OR...
OR YOU COULD COME OVER AND PLAY
WITH MY...(LAUGHS).
UH, YEAH. YEAH.
THAT'D... THAT'D BE NEAT.
♪ I GOT YOUR MOTHER'S SHEEP... ♪
♪ AFTER ONLY TWO WEEKS... ♪
COME ON.
♪ AGAIN... ♪
THAT'D BE NEAT.
DID I REALLY JUST SAY THAT?
♪ AND THE TEXT YOU
SENT... ♪
WHOA.
♪ SAYS... ♪
COME ON.
♪ I'M BUSY... ♪
HEY, SO VICKI, YOU'RE, UH...
YOU'RE FAMILY DOESN'T HAVE A CAT, DO THEY?
♪ YOU'RE NOT WITH YOUR
FRIENDS? ♪
NO? NO PUSSY WILLOW TREES?
NO? COME ON. WHOA, WHOA.
COME ON.
COME ON.
WAIT UP.
♪ DID YOU FINALLY GET A
JOB, BABY? ♪
♪ NOT LIKE ME ♪
♪ WHO ARE YOU ♪
♪ WITHOUT ME ♪
♪ I'll TELL YOU WHAT I SEE ♪
♪ YOU WERE THE REAL THING ♪
♪ THAT SHE NEVER LEAVE ME, ♪
♪ HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT IT'S
TRUE, ♪
♪ AFTER ALL THE LIES ♪
(MOANS)
♪ THAT I BE GIVING BABY, ♪
(FILTERED) YEAH, OH, YEAH, OH
YEAH.
WHY IS THE BABY MONITOR IN
JOEY'S ROOM?
WE WERE HANGING OUT... PLAYING
VIDEO GAMES.
♪ WAITING THERE FOR ME, ♪
♪ ...FEEL THAT BEAUTIFUL
SUNRISE... ♪
OH, SHERRY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING
HERE?
DON'T BE A PERVERT, JOEY. KISS
ME.
NO WAY. IT'S A TRICK.
GET OUT OF MY DREAM. GO.
HI
HEY, YOU.
ME?
YEAH, YOU. WHERE AM I?
HEY. WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE
GOING?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING, JOEY?
GET OUT OF MY HEAD.
GET LOST.
YOU'RE IN MY DREAMS BABY.
♪ HOPE YOU SEE THAT BEAUTIFUL
SUNLIGHT... ♪
♪ IT'S WAITING THERE FOR ME ♪
♪ ...OH MY DARLING... ♪
OH, YEAH, BABY.
♪ ...SEE THAT BEAUTIFUL
SUNLIGHT... ♪
OH, IT'S SUMMERTIME. OH.
♪ ...IT'S WAITING THERE... ♪
OH.
♪ ...IT'S TAKING HOLD, ♪
♪ SO BRING IT BACK TO ME ♪
SHAME ON YOU, SUMMER. IT'S NOT
SUPPOSED TO GO IN THERE.
YOU LEFT THE BABY IN THERE?
WELL, YOU...
...WEREN'T COMPLAINING LAST
NIGHT.
I'LL GET THE BABY.
AND GET YOUR TEENAGER.
OH, YEAH, BABY. OH. OH.
OH. OH, BABY.
OH. OH.
♪ ...THAT WAS JUST A LIE... ♪
OH, FUCK YEAH. OH. OH, IT'S
SUMMERTIME. YEAH.
DON'T HURT YOURSELF IN THERE,
SON.
(FILTERED) OH. OH. AH. OH.
(KNOCKING)
ARE YOU OKAY IN THERE, JOEY?
GEEZ, JOEY.
YOU'RE GONNA RUIN THE RESALE
VALUE ON THE HOUSE.
WHAT THE... WHAT THE HELL, DAD!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY ROOM?
WHOA. OH. OH, GOD.
GET OUT OF MY ROOM!
YOU'RE ON BABY "F.M."
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY. OKAY.
IT'S... IT'S NATURAL TO
EXPERIMENT.
SOMETIMES WITH RANDOM OBJECTS.
DAD!
OKAY. MORE NATURAL WITH WOMEN,
THOUGH.
HAVE YOU NOTICED THE BOND YOUR
STEPMOTHER AND I'VE FORMED?
WHAT?
DAD, GET OUT OF MY ROOM.
HEY.
GET OUT!
I'M JUST... I'M JUST SAYING.
GET OUT.
FUCK.
YEAH.
I'M NOT HUNGRY.
YEAH. I DON'T KNOW.
HEY. WHO AM I? HANG ON. WHO AM
I?
HEY. THAT DOESN'T GO IN THERE.
(LAUGHS)
WHO AM I?
JOE, SERIOUSLY, I HOPE YOU'RE
NOT EMBARRASSED.
I... I... I'M TRYING.
I DON'T WANT YOU TO BE
EMBARRASSED.
CAN WE NOT TALK ABOUT THIS?
AS YOUR FATHER, I HAVE CERTAIN
RESPONSIBILITIES.
ONE OF THEM IS HELPING YOU TO ACQUIRE
THE HABITS OF A FUNCTIONAL ADULT.
THIS MEANS SOME GROOMING
TECHNIQUES.
DONE DAILY. LIKE, YOU KNOW,
LIKE... LIKE BRUSHING YOUR TEETH.
I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.
HOW ELSE DO I SAY THIS?
IF YOU DON'T KEEP THE PRIVATE
GRASS WELL MOWED,
NO GIRL'S EVER GONNA WANNA RUB
HER FACE ON YOUR LAWN,
YOU KNOW.
DAD, THIS IS NOT BREAKFAST
CONVERSATION.
WELL I'M SORRY YOU'RE
UNCOMFORTABLE, JOEY.
YEAH.
IT MAKES ME UNCOMFORTABLE, OKAY,
KNOWING THAT YOU'RE OUT THERE
DISRESPECTING WOMEN.
WHAT?
HOW AM I DISRESPECTING WOMEN.
IN THE EVENT OF FOREPLAY, JOEY.
YOU NEVER, EVER WANNA PUT A
WOMAN IN A SITUATION
WHERE SHE CAN'T BOB YOUR APPLES.
WHAT?
EH, BOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT...
BOB YOUR... BOB YOUR APP-BOB
YOUR APPLES.
WHAT? YEAH. YEAH.
BOB YOUR APPLES.
WHA-EH, EH, EL-LA-LA-LA. EH,
EH, BOB YOUR APPLES.
OKAY. NO MORE TALKING.
YOU GOTTA WAX THAT SHIT, JOE.
WHOA! OH, DAD! UGH.
JOE? JOE?
NO.
EH. THAT'S ALL I GOTTA SAY ABOUT
THAT.
WELL, IS HE OKAY?
YEAH. HE'S OVER EXAGGERATING.
OH. (LAUGHS)
(MOANS)
(KNOCKING)
(MOANS, PANTS)
I GOT IT.
LARRY.
HIT YOU ON THE FACE.
WHAT'S UP?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
I'M JUST PICKING UP MY BEST
FRIEND IN THE WHOLE WORLD.
IT'S YOU.
THAT'S IT?
WHAT, NO AUDITIONS TODAY?
COME ON, DUDE.
IS THAT ALL YOU CARE ABOUT?
NO, I DON'T HAVE ANY AUDITIONS
TODAY.
UNLESS... COME ON.
COME ON, WIPE
THAT FROWN OFF YOUR FACE.
LET ME SEE THOSE PEARLY WHITES.
COME ON. OKAY. CHECK HIM.
HE'S AWESOME, DUDE. CHECK THIS
OUT, ALRIGHT?
ARE YOU SURE YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT
IT IS?
WELL, OF COURSE.
YOU SURE YOU DESERVE TO KNOW
WHAT IT IS?
YOU SURE HE'S NOT GONNA BE MAD?
OH, HE'S A SICKO.
HE LOVES THIS, ALRIGHT?
WHAT?
NINJA, ASSASSIN.
AH!
AH!
AH!
AH!
AH! AH!
BREATH. BREATH. AND, EXHALE.
OH. (MOANS)
TRASH COMPACTOR.
THE TRASH COMPACTOR.
OH.
PRETTY GOOD, OR WHAT?
WHAT?
HEY, WHERE'S YOUR STEPMOM?
(LAUGHS)
GET OFF ME.
WHAT'S SHE WEARING?
IS SHE WEARING SOMETHING SEXY?
'CAUSE I'M AFRAID OF THAT.
SHE'S NOT...
OH, NO. WHAT'D YOU DO?
NINJA ASSASSIN.
WOW. NICE.
OH.
WHERE'D YOU GET HIM?
THE ASIA. IMPORTED.
YOU ARE A UNIQUE MIND, LARRY.
NEW GUY.
OKAY. YEAH.
(LAUGHS)
XIANGZHENG.
HUH?
WHA-
OH, FUCK, DAD. OH, GO- (GROANS) OH.
(COUGHS) OH. OH, DAD.
(GRUNTS, COUGHS, GRUNTS)
UH, YES. LARRY?
YOU'RE THE MAN.
ALRIGHT.
YOU GUYS ARE BOTH ASSHOLES.
ALRIGHT.
BYE, BOYS.
ALRIGHT. NO. I KNOW.
(SIGHS)
COME AND GET SOME.
LET'S LOSE THE TIGHTS.
SO, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF HIM?
HE SACKED ME.
COME ON.
THE TRASH COMPACTOR?
THAT'S GOLDEN.
IT'S OKAY.
AND HE'S NOT AS GOOD-LOOKING AS
US.
I'M RIGHT HERE.
I DON'T THINK HE'S GOOD LOOKING
AT ALL.
(LAUGHS) DEFINITELY WON'T BE STEALING
OUR BITCHES AWAY, THAT'S FOR SURE.
NOT LIKE TYRONE. TYRONE. TYRONE.
TYRONE WAS WAY TOO HANDSOME.
WE SHOULDA KNOWN.
WHAT'S GOING ON?
YOU KNOW THERE SHOULDN'T BE SCHOOL
THE FRIDAY BEFORE SPRING BREAK.
I SECOND THE MOTION.
LIKE NOBODY CAN FOCUS ANYWAYS.
I CAN'T WAIT TO GET THE FUCK
OUTTA THERE.
IT'S A COMPLETE WASTE OF OUR
TIME.
ARE YOU GUYS JOKING?
ABOUT WHAT?
WE'RE ABOUT TO GET A WHOLE WEEK
OFF SCHOOL.
WHY NEED AN EXTRA FRIDAY OFF?
WHY NOT THURSDAY, TOO, FROM NOW
ON?
I SECOND THAT MOTION.
HE'S PERFECT. YOU'RE IMMEDIATELY
MY FAVORITE NERD.
AW.
I'M NOT A NERD.
HEY, "SPRINGROLL".
(LAUGHS) YOU-A LOST-A? (LAUGHS)
WHAT?
YEAH. HEY, JOEY, IS THIS YOUR
NEW SIDEKICK?
I LOVE HIM. YEAH.
WHAT? I'M A SIDEKICK?
IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS,
SHIFTY.
HEY, YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE NICE
TO HIM.
HUMP YOUR FACE, SHIFTY.
DUDE, YOU SHOULDN'T BE TELLING ME
TO HUMP MY FACE ALL THE TIME, MAN.
I'M NOT THE KIND OF GUY YOU
WANNA MAKE AN ENEMY OUT OF.
I DID A LITTLE TIME.
WHAT?
WE'VE BEEN TELLING YOU TO HUMP
YOUR FACE FOR YEARS.
XIANGZHENG, TELL HIM TO HUMP HIS
FACE.
OH, TELL HIM TO HUMP HIS FACE.
COME ON, TELL HIM.
HUMP YOUR FACE, SHIFTY.
HUMP YOUR FACE.
YOU KNOW WHAT, GUYS?
ONE OF THESE DAYS I'M GONNA
FREAKING SNAP.
OH HE JUST...
AH! (GRUNTS)
(GRUNTS)
(GRUNTS)
(GRUNTS)
(GRUNTS)
I LOVE THAT!
(GRUNT)
I DID TIME FOR EIGHT MINUTES.
(GRUNTS)
(LAUGHS)
YOU GUYS ACTUALLY HURT HIM.
WHATEVER.
I'LL SHOW YOU MOTHERFUCKERS.
(GRUNTS) HEY, HEY.
FUCKFACE. (GRUNTS) I SAID, HEY.
I SAID, HEY. I SAID, HEY
FUCKFACE.
YEAH, NONE OF US ARE CALLED
FUCKFACE.
FUCKFACE.
AW, HEY. LARRY?
YEAH.
WANNA TRY AND THROW ANOTHER
FUCKING PINECONE IN MY FACE?
COME ON.
YEAH. COME ON.
YEAH, PICK IT UP.
THAT ONE?
YEAH. THAT'S IT.
YEAH, COME ON.
COME ON.
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA,
WHOA, WHOA.
I LOVE PICKING YOU UP IN THE
MORNINGS.
YEAH.
THAT'S ANOTHER REASON WHY YOU
SHOULD BE SO NICE TO ME.
OH, GOD. SHIFTY, YOU'RE RUINING
IT.
YOU KNOW, I PRETTY MUCH BEEN UP
IN ON THAT.
AW, YEAH.
WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
LUCY PLANE.
I WORK WITH HER.
SHE'S MINE.
SO WHAT? YOU'VE NEVER TOUCHED
HER.
(GRUNTS) DIDN'T I? OH.
WHO ARE YOU GUYS CREEPING ON?
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, SHERRY.
YOU CAN'T STAND THERE.
IT'S NOT YOUR PROPERTY, JOEY.
IT'S MY PARENTS' PROPERTY.
AND YOU DECIDE WHO STANDS HERE?
YEAH. I DO. I DO DECIDE.
FINE. I'LL ASK YOUR DAD.
MISTER WALD!
WHOA, WHOA. WHOA, WHOA. SSH.
DON'T ASK MY DAD. HE HATES YOU.
HE DOESN'T HATE ME.
WHOA, WHATEVER.
HE SHOULD.
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
GOT MY FIFTY BUCKS?
SEE, I DON'T OWE YOU FIFTY
BUCKS.
YOU OWE ME FIFTY BUCKS.
SO YOU'VE HAD SEX?
WHAT?
YEAH.
WITH A GIRL?
YEAH, WITH A GIRL.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
WAIT, WHAT?
THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT.
YOU OWE ME FIFTY BUCKS.
(GRUNTS, COUGHS)
OH, HEY, BUDDY.
GET OFF MY PARENTS' PROPERTY.
YOU WANNA TELL ME WHAT THAT'S
ABOUT?
NO. NO, I DON'T.
SO, UH, WHAT DO YOU DO FOR A
LIVING?
I AM A CULINARY ARTISTE.
SO YOU'RE A CHEF?
HE'S A LINE COOK AT THE MILL.
I'M MORE THAN THAT.
I COULD SET YOU TWO UP, YOU
KNOW?
BULLSHIT.
NO. SERIOUSLY, DUDE. SHE'S BEEN
ASKING ABOUT YOU.
HUMP YOUR FACE, SHIFTY.
WHOA, WHOA, LARRY.
SHUT UP FOR A SECOND.
YOU FUCKING WITH ME, SHIFTY?
NO, DUDE.
SERIOUSLY. NOTHING BUT LOVE,
MAN.
WE'VE BEEN NEIGHBORS, WHAT, TEN
YEARS NOW?
IT WOULD BE AN HONOR FOR ME TO
HOOK YOU UP.
YOU COME BY MY WORK THIS MORNING
AND ALL SHALL BE REVEALED UNTO YOU.
IT CAN PAY TO BE MY FRIEND,
JOEY.
RUN AND TELL AN ADULT.
OH.
(LAUGHS)
FUCK. (GRUNTS)
FUCK YOU.
(GRUNTS) UH. OH.
♪ IT'S STRANGE BUT... ♪
HEY.
CHEER UP.
I'M FINE.
"T.T.F.N."
IS SHE GONE?
WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?
MY PARENTS ARE LEAVING AGAIN.
LET'S GET OUTTA HERE.
YOU GO GRAB VICKS AND MUNCHIES.
I'LL MEET YOU AT MY HOUSE IN AN
HOUR.
OKAY.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
GOTTA GO HAND IN MY ENGLISH
PAPER.
WASN'T THAT DUE MONDAY?
"N.O.Y.B."
(LAUGHS)
I WANNA KNOW WHAT'S UP.
"G.A.L."
(GRUNTS)
I WANNA KNOW WHAT'S UP!
I STILL
LOVE YOU.
STOP.
I'M A LOSER. SHUT UP.
WHOA.
(LAUGH)
OH, YOU AND YOUR PEOPLE ARE SO SMART
AND YET SUCH TERRIBLE ATHLETES.
OH MY... AH, AH.
OH, GEEZ. (LAUGHS)
COME ON.
WE HAVE TO GET GOING.
DUDE, GIVE IT UP.
IT'S TOO LATE.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
WE GOT LIKE NINETEEN MINUTES.
I KNOW A SHORTCUT TO SCHOOL.
OH, WE GOT NINETEEN MINUTES.
WOULDN'T YOU RATHER GET LAID
TODAY?
OH, YEAH.
SINCE YOU'VE HAD SO MUCH SEX.
(GRUNTS)
(LAUGHS)
WELL YOU'D BE A VIRGIN, TOO, IF
YOU DIDN'T FUCK YOUR COUSIN.
I TOLD YOU SHE'S NOT MY BLOOD
COUSIN.
IT'S FINE!
GUYS, QUIT FIGHTING.
AH!
AH!
MY PARENTS WILL KILL ME IF I
MISS ANY MORE SCHOOL.
I'M BARELY PASSING.
WAIT. YOU'RE FAILING?
WHAT'S YOUR AVERAGE, LIKE FORTY
ONE PERCENT?
UH, EIGHTY-ONE.
ASIAN FAIL, GUYS.
FAG.
YOU THINK TODAY MATTERS?
TODAY DOESN'T MATTER.
IT'S ALL ABOUT NEXT YEAR.
AND NEXT YEAR'S JUST SO WE CAN GET THE BEST
GRADES SO WE CAN GET INTO THE BEST UNIVERSITIES.
OH, BUT ONCE YOU GET IN, ONE
DEGREE WON'T CUT IT.
YOU'LL NEED TWO WITH ALL THE SMART KIDS COMING UP
GUNNING FOR THE JOBS THAT WE HAVEN'T EVEN GOT YET.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
FUCK YOUR ASIAN FAIL.
TODAY DOESN'T MEAN SHIT.
SHIT.
WHOA. WHOA.
XIANGZHENG, I'M SORRY.
LET GO OF MY FOOT.
(GRUNTS)
(GRUNTS)
THANKS FOR THE OFFER, JOEY WALD.
I'M GONNA HAVE TO GO HANG
MYSELF.
YEAH. YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU SHOWED ME MY LIFE SUCKS.
NO. YOUR LIFE DOESN'T SUCK.
DON'T HANG YOURSELF.
JUST FUCK SCHOOL.
YEAH! FUCK SCHOOL.
FUCK THE WHOLE SYSTEM.
COME ON.
WELL, IT IS THE FRIDAY BEFORE
SPRING BREAK.
YEAH. COME ON.
(LAUGHS)
FOR ELEVEN YEARS THEY'VE KEPT UP
COOPED UP IN THEIR CLASSROOMS.
YOU PUT THINGS SO THEY SUCK.
FOR ELEVEN YEARS WE'VE LISTENED
TO EVERYTHING THEY HAVE TO SAY.
WE DO WHAT THEY TELL US TO DO,
READ WHAT THEY TELL US TO READ.
WE... WE CAN'T EVEN TAKE A PISS
WITHOUT RAISING OUR HANDS.
WELL, ACTUALLY MISS CUMMINGS DOESN'T
MAKE US ASK TO GO TO THE BATHROOM.
WE CAN JUST GO.
DON'T YOU WANNA CONTROL YOUR OWN
LIFE?
YEAH. I'M ONLY SEVENTEEN, JOEY.
WHAT? ONLY SEVENTEEN?
YOU THINK TWO THOUSAND YEARS AGO WHEN THE LIFE EXPECTANCY
WAS TWENTY-ONE YOU WOULD'VE HEARD ANYBODY SAY,
"WE'RE ONLY SEVENTEEN, JOEY"?
NO.
ALEXANDER THE GREAT WAS CONQUERING
PEOPLE BY THE TIME HE WAS SIXTEEN.
WHEN HE WAS OUR AGE HE HAD A
CITY NAMED AFTER HIM.
WELL, WHAT WAS IT CALLED?
ALEXANDRIA.
BOYS, WE'RE IN THE PRIME OF OUR
LIVES.
YEAH.
WE'RE BETTER, FASTER, STRONGER,
THAN EVER.
NO ONE IS SAFE.
WE CAN DO ANYTHING WE WANT IF WE
PUT OUR MINDS TO IT.
WE CAN DO ANYTHING IN THE WORLD?
CAN I GET SOME KNUCKS HERE?
TONIGHT IS OUR NIGHT.
YEAH, MAN.
ALRIGHT. ALRIGHT. I'M... I'M IN.
I'M IN.
YES.
WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?
WELL, FIRST WE'RE GONNA CALL YOUR FAMILY
AND THEN WE'RE GONNA GET SOME FAKE "I.D."S
AND GO TO THE TITTY BAR.
WE'RE GOING TO THE LAND OF
POONTANG.
POONTANG LAND.
ARE YOU JOKING?
WHAT?
WHAT, YOU THINK IT'S THE EASY?
OH, YOU WANT SOME ILLEGAL "I.D." AND, OH,
MY FAMILY'LL HOOK YOU UP JUST LIKE THAT?
CAN'T THEY?
(SIGHS)
(GRUNTS)
HELLO?
HEY, IT'S ME.
I KNOW SO MANY.
YOU NEED TO BE SPECIFIC, OKAY?
XIANGZHENG:
XIANGZHENG.
OH, HOW ARE YOU?
HEY, HEY, HEY.
XIANGZHENG, ZHENG.
HOLD ON, ONE SECOND.
UH, MY STICKY RICE IS TOO
STICKY.
HOW DO YOU MAKE YOURS LESS
STICKY?
IT'S SO GOOD.
IF YOU PUT TWO CUPS OF RICE AND YOU LEAVE IT
OUT FOR HALF AN HOUR IT WON'T BE AS STICKY.
GOOD (NORMAL VOICE) IDEA.
THAT MAKE IT SO GOOD.
OKAY.
BUT I NEED SOME ILLEGAL "I.D." S.
WELL, YOU KNOW, NOT SAYING IT'S
ILLEGAL. I MEAN...
OKAY. WHAT'S THE PASSWORD?
(CHINESE)
(LAUGHS)
AH, SO DISRESPECTFUL.
YOU SOUND LIKE YOU DON'T EVEN
CARE ABOUT OUR CULTURE, ALRIGHT.
SAY IT LIKE YOU MEAN IT.
(CHINESE)
(LAUGHS)
(FILTERED) THAT'S WHAT I LIKE TO
HEAR
(NORMAL VOICE) MOTHERFUCKER.
OKAY. TEN AND TEN, TWO THIRTY.
TWO... TWO THIRTY?
OKAY?
OKAY. OKAY.
(NORMAL VOICE) ZIANGZHENG? I
LOVE YOU.
I LOVE YOU, TOO.
IT'S NOT THAT EASY.
YES! SO, TWO THIRTY?
WE GOT FIVE AND A HALF HOURS.
WHAT DO YOU WANNA DO? HM?
WE COULD GO HANG YOU AT THE
SCHOOL.
IT'S JUST AN IDEA.
WELL I GOT A BETTER IDEA.
HE'S CRAZY.
RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!
ARE YOU SURE THIS IS A BETTER
IDEA?
DO YOU WANNA HANG OUT WITH US OR
NOT?
WHAT ARE THE PERKS AGAIN?
WE'RE WHITE.
SO?
SO WE CAN SNEAK YOU ONTO A GOLF
COURSE.
UH, DUDE.
THAT'S BLACK PEOPLE.
REALLY?
YEAH.
OH.
MY NEIGHBOR'S A CAB DRIVER.
I'LL GET YOU A JOB.
EAST INDIANS.
MY DAD VOTED FOR NENCHE,
ALRIGHT?
SO?
SO HE OWES US A FAVOR.
IT DOESN'T WORK LIKE THAT
ANYMORE.
WE'RE WHITE.
WE'LL TEACH YOU SOME WHITE
SECRETS.
SSH.
WHITES DON'T HAVE ANY SECRETS.
WE HAVE SECRETS.
WE'RE JUST NOT ALLOWED TO TELL
YOU.
SO WHAT ARE WE DOING AGAIN?
THIS IS THE ONLY CONVENIENCE STORE THAT KEEPS
THEIR TUG MAGS OUT FROM BEHIND THE COUNTER.
TUG MAGS?
TUG MAGS.
WHO PISSED IN YOUR WHEATIES?
THIS IS BAD.
WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE HIM?
(GROWLS)
ABORT?
NO.
I'M SICK OF GETTING MY ASS
KICKED BY THIS LITTLE KID.
THERE'S THREE OF US THIS TIME.
SERIOUSLY?
HE'S JUST A LITTLE BOY.
JUST A LITTLE BOY?
AFTER YOU, MY NEW FRIEND.
OH.
LOOK, IT'S A GOOD ONE.
HEY, YOU.
DON'T LOOK. DON'T LOOK.
HOW OLD ARE YOU KIDS?
WHAT?
WHAT'S SO FUNNY?
WELL THAT'S KINDA FUNNY, RIGHT?
I MEAN COMING FROM YOU.
(SIGHS)
'CAUSE YOU'RE JUST LITTLE.
WHY DON'T YOU GO WAIT FOR MOM IN
THE BACK OF THE COUNTER THERE, OKAY.
I THINK SHE'LL BE BACK IN TEN TO
FIVE MINUTES.
TEN TO FIVE MINUTES?
OW! OW! OW! OW! MY GOD!
AH!
AH! AH!
AH! AH!
AH! OW! OW, MY, OW! OW! WHAT
THE...
OW, WHAT THE... OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.
AH!
CAN I BUY THIS, PLEASE?
SURE.
LET THIS BE A LESSON, PUNKS.
I'M SICK OF YOU PERVERTS IN MY
STORE.
NEXT TIME I'M BREAKING BONES.
OH, I THINK THERE'S BLOOD IN MY
PEE HOLE.
OH, EVERY TIME.
OH SHIT.
IS THIS YOUR NEWEST TRYOUT?
YES, MA'AM. YES.
AND HOW'S YOUR DAY SO FAR?
OH, TODAY COULD BE THE START OF
A BEAUTIFUL AND ODD FRIENDSHIP
THAT LASTS YEARS OR IT COULD
SEVERELY TRAUMATIZE ME.
WE'RE WILLING TO TAKE THE RISK.
WHY ARE YOU BEING WEIRD?
PFT. PARDON ME? WEIRD. PARDON
ME.
IS IT BECAUSE JOEY'S PRETENDING
TO BE UNCONSCIOUS
SO HE DOESN'T
HAVE TO TALK TO ME?
IS THAT WHAT JOEY'S... JOEY WALD!
IS THAT WHAT... NO, I DON'T...
SEE, YOU JUST CAN'T FAKE THIS.
THAT'S FOR REAL.
YOU CAN'T IGNORE THAT.
FOR SURE.
YEAH.
IF HE LIVES, TELL
HIM HE'S A PERVERT.
OKAY.
CAN I BE A PERVERT?
OH.
SHERRY.
SHERRY? CAN I BE A PERVERT?
I'LL TAKE IT AS A YES.
I... I CAN PAY YOU.
WHAT'D YOU DO TO SHERRY?
YOU FUCKER. THAT HURT.
THAT LITTLE KID HIT SO
HARD.
I'M SUPPOSED TO TELL YOU, YOU'RE
A PERVERT.
I AM NOT. CHECK THIS OUT.
OH, YEAH.
YOU DID IT.
I DID. FOR YOU.
YOU DID.
I DID.
YEAH. I... I WILL.
OKAY. DO IT.
OH. AW. BE CAREFUL.
I MIGHT NEED A HANGIE.
GO.
OH, HE'S GOT A BIG BAT.
OKAY. GO, GO, GO!
AH! AH!
HE'S GOT A BIGGER BAT.
GO!
COME BACK YOU JERKS.
AH! AH! AH!
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA. ELVIS.
WAS THAT ONE OR WAS THAT TWO,
DUDE?
THAT WAS ONE, SHIFTY.
IT WAS ONE?
RIGHTEOUS, MAN. RIGHTEOUS.
HEY SHIFTY, YOU SACK OF SHIT.
SOME KIDS ARE HERE TO SEE YOU.
YOU KNOW TECHNICALLY I'M A BOSS
AROUND HERE
AND I CAN WRITE YOU UP WHEN
YOU TALK TO ME LIKE THAT.
OH.
DON'T YOU HAVE TO BE LITERATE TO
WRITE PEOPLE UP?
NO. NO.
ANY MANAGER CAN DO IT.
OH. ALRIGHT.
MAY I?
GO GET 'EM AND BRING 'EM. OH,
BOOBS.
YEAH.
YOU GONNA WRITE THESE UP, TOO,
HUH, BIG BOY?
YEAH, MAYBE A LITTLE BIT.
OH.
WHAT ARE YOU LAUGHING AT?
JUST COUNT FASTER.
OH, HEY, JOEY BOY. BLOW A LEVEL,
MAN.
YEAH.
NO, GIVE IT TO ME. WITH YOUR
PENIS.
SHIFTY, WHEN HAVE I EVER DONE
THAT? NO.
JUST ONE TIME WITH YOUR PENIS.
NO.
YES. WHATEVER, MAN.
WHERE ARE YOUR DOUCHE BAG
FRIENDS ANYWAY?
OH, THEY'RE OUT FRONT.
THEY THINK YOU'RE WEIRD.
THEY DON'T REALLY WANNA SEE YOU.
YEAH, WELL, FUCK THOSE GUYS
ANYWAYS.
OH, HEY, MAN. IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAY.
I JUST PICKED UP SOME SALVIA.
WHAT?
OH, IT'S DRUGS, MAN.
IT'S GONNA GET YOU FUCKED UP,
DUDE.
NO, I'VE NEVER TRIED IT.
OH, IT'S GOOD, MAN.
YOU SHOULD GET SOME IN US.
YOU SAID YOU WERE GONNA GET ME
CLOSER TO LUCY.
OH, OF COURSE, MAN. JUST HANG AROUND.
SHE ALWAYS COMES BY AFTER THE GYM.
YOU'RE IN MY HOUSE NOW SO LET'S
CHECK THIS SHIT, YO.
OOO. YOU, TOO, ELVIS.
YEAH.
I DON'T REALLY DO DRUGS.
OH, NO, IT'S COOL, MAN.
YOU'LL LOVE IT.
HERE IT COMES.
HE'S FINE. SMOKE SOME.
I DON'T FEEL ANYTHING.
HOW 'BOUT NOW?
YEAH.
SOMETIMES...
AT NIGHT...
...I WATCH
YOU WHEN YOU SLEEP.
I CAN'T BELIEVE I GOT
YOU GUYS TO SMOKE THAT SHIT.
HONEY, THIS PUSSY'S NOT GONNA
FUCK ITSELF.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
JUST GIVE ME A SECOND.
I'M TRYING TO GIVE MY SON SOME
ENCOURAGEMENT.
YOU WANT HIM TO JERK OFF IN THE
DINING ROOM, TOO?
HM.
JUST WAIT.
NO, NO, NO.
AIT. WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT,
WAIT, WAIT.
HOLY SHIZIM.
OH MY GOD.
YES, BOYS?
UM.
WHAT'S UP?
UH.
ISN'T JOEY WITH YOU?
UH, UH, WE THOUGHT JOEY COMED
HERE. OR CAME HERE.
CAME HERE.
BUT HE'S OBVIOUSLY NOT HERE.
WE WERE AT THE SCHOOL, UH,
CAFETERIA.
THERE'S THIS HUGE LINEUP.
HUGE.
AND WE WERE WONDERING IF, UH,
THERE WAS ANYTHING WE COULD NIPPLE ON.
NIBBLE ON. FOOD.
YEAH.
LIKE SANDWICHES?
YEAH. I THINK I CAN FIND
SOMETHING. COME ON IN.
OKAY. OH.
WELL DON'T JUST STAND THERE.
CLOSE THE DOOR BEFORE SOME
PERVERTS COME IN.
MISTER WALD.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING,
BUDDY?
HEY. HEY, HEY. YEAH.
HEY BUDDY.
HEY. HEY, YOU.
ME?
YEAH, YOU.
WHAT TIME CAN YOU GET HERE
TONIGHT?
NINE THIRTY.
YOU BETTER BE.
YOU BETTER GET THAT
THING BACK TO ME.
THROW IT HERE.
COME ON, BABY.
THROW THAT THING RIGHT TO ME.
THROW IT HERE, DIRTY BOY.
COME ON.
THROW IT!
OH.
GET AWAY! OH.
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
HELP!
NO, NO, NO, NO. NO.
SO WE'RE STILL ON FOR NINE
THIRTY?
OH, NO.
YES?
I BELIEVE I HAVE SOMETHING
THAT'S YOURS.
UH, IS IT ALIVE?
UH, I THINK SO. YEAH.
WELL, COME ON IN, MAN.
WHERE DO YOU WANT HIM?
JUST DROP HIM.
WHAT'S UP, BUDDY.
OH MY GOD.
WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
HAVE YOU SEEN WHAT YOUR
STEPMOM'S GOT ON?
DID HE DO SOMETHING WRONG OR...
OH, NO, NO.
HE JUST SCARED AN ELDERLY LADY
IN A BARCADE.
REALLY?
OH, YEAH.
IT'S NO BIG DEAL.
NOBODY WAS HURT. HE WAS JUST,
UH, UH, COPULATING WITH A CAR.
HER... HER CAR?
IT'S AN '89 CHEVY.
HE WAS JUST, UH, RIGHT IN THE
GAS HOLE.
FILLING UP WITH PREMIUM, EH?
NO, ACCORDING TO THE OLD BIRD IT
WAS JUST, UH, REGULAR.
WELL, HE'S STILL GROWING, YOU
KNOW.
HAS HE EVER EVEN BEEN WITH A
LADY?
LORD KNOWS I'M WORKING ON IT.
WELL GOOD LUCK WITH THAT.
HEY, THANKS.
HEY GUY.
LITTLE FELLER.
DEEB-A-DABA-DEEB-ADO.
DADDY.
YEAH, HANG IN. HEY, GET
OUTTA THERE.
YEAH, THAT'S GOOD.
OH, YEAH. ALMOST GOT IT.
YEAH.
ALMOST GOT IT.
YEAH. OH. OH. IT'S SO CLOSE,
MAN.
WHY DO I EVEN HAVE TO DO THIS?
IT SHOULD BE THE SERVER'S JOB.
YEAH. SERVERS. RIGHT. TOTALLY.
OH.
SERVERS.
I EVER YOU TELL YOU FINE BITCHES I
USED TO PLAY IN A ROCK AND ROLL BAND.
DID YOU PLAY AN INSTRUMENT,
MELODY? '
CAUSE I COULD TEACH YA.
I COULD TEACH YA TO PLAY THE
RUSTY TROMBONE.
NO, I... I DON'T WANNA DO THAT,
SHIFTY.
DO YOU LIKE ME, MELODY?
YOU MEAN LIKE ON SOME SORT OF
SCALE?
CAUSE I LIKE YOU, MELODY.
I LIKE THE WAY YOU MOVE.
WELL I LIKE THE WAY
YOU MOVE.
OH
OH.
EW, I CAN FEEL HIS
AIR BONER FROM HERE.
I'M SORRY. YOU'RE BOTH MAKING ME
REALLY UNCOMFORTABLE.
OH, LOOK. I'M GETTING A HARD ON.
SHIFTY.
OH.
I DON'T WANNA KNOW WHAT GOES ON
IN YOUR PANTS.
DO I HAVE TO GET MISTER BARON DOWN
HERE TO TELL HIM YOU'RE COMING ONTO ME?
OH, YOU WANT HIM TO WATCH ME,
PERVERT?
I LOVE IT. OH. OH.
OH. GOD!
AH.
THAT CHICK SO WANTS MY DICK,
ELVIS.
SHUT UP. GET BACK TO WORK, PIG
FACE.
HE'S FUCKED.
FUCK.
HERE, JOEY.
WHAT?
OH GOD. DON'T TOUCH ME
WITH YOUR SPIT. EW.
WHY ARE YOU DRESSED LIKE
A SLUTTY SCHOOLGIRL?
WELL IF YOU MUST KNOW YOUR FATHER
WAS ABOUT TO GIVE ME THE STRAP.
AND THEN YOUR FRIENDS SHOWED UP.
SORRY.
CAN YOU SAY THAT AGAIN AN TWIRL
YOUR FINGER THROUGH YOUR HAIR?
QUIT BEING SUCH A PERVERT,
LARRY.
GOD.
OH.
EVERYTHING HURTS.
THIS IS A BAD OMEN.
WE SHOULD BE IN SCHOOL.
SSH.
AH!
I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY.
AH! AH.
OH, I'M SORRY.
AH.
I HAD TO DO THAT.
I DON'T WANT ANY OF YOUR ASIAN
SUPERSTITIONS.
WE'RE DOING THIS, OKAY?
HEY, SO WHY DOES SHERRY THINK
YOU'RE A PERVERT?
SHE IS.
AND SHE THINKS I CAN'T GET LAID.
IS THAT WHAT YOU TWO BET ABOUT?
OH, IT IS. ISN'T IT?
OH. DAD, I KNOW THIS IS A WASTE
OF BREATH BUT...
COULD I PLEASE HAVE SOME
SPENDING MONEY?
OKAY. HOW MUCH DO YOU NEED?
DAD, I BET HER.
BUT I'M GONNA WIN THIS TIME.
AH.
HOW MUCH DO YOU GOT?
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?
OKAY. WHAT IS IT FOR?
IT'S FOR A GIRL.
NICE.
YEAH, YOU CAN HAVE MONEY.
I'M GONNA FUCK HER SISTER.
HUH?
THAT'S AN ODD CHOICE.
YOU KNOW I'VE ALWAYS RESPECTED
YOU AS A MAN.
XIANGZHENG.
OH.
SO IF YOU EVER GET TIRED OF HIS
SHTICK,
FIVE, FIVE, FIVE, FOUR,
FIVE, SIX, FIVE.
JUST BEAT IT.
YOU'RE ONE NUMMY BABY.
RUN ALONG NOW, CHINATOWN.
YOU'RE RETARDED.
YOU DON'T HAVE A CHANCE WITH
LUCY.
WHY NOT?
'CAUSE GIRLS DON'T LIKE YOU.
YOU DON'T KNOW, MAN.
GIRLS LIKE ME.
I KNOW THEY DO.
THEY'RE JUST SO CONFUSING.
YOU'RE TOO UGLY.
SHE WANTS ME.
YOUR DAD JUST WENT RACIST ON ME.
OH, OH. XIANGZHENG.
DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY.
WE JUST DON'T LIKE ASIANS.
KNOCK ON THE DOOR...
SSH.
IT'S TWO THIRTY.
I'M KNOCKING.
WHAT?
WHAT'S YOUR
PROBLEM?
DUDE, THEY'RE NOT LIKE WHITE PEOPLE ALL LOOSY
GOOSY AND FANCY FREE WITH THEIR TIMES.
ASIANS ARE VERY PUNCTUAL.
OKAY. IT'S TWO THIRTY.
XIANGZHENG.
HEY.
HOW ARE YOU?
GOOD. HOW YOU... OH, DAMN. IT'S
GOOD.
IT'S GOOD.
HOW ARE YOU?
I'M LETTING IT LOOSE.
I'M HANGING OUT, YOU KNOW.
HANG OUT WITH MY WANG OUT.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? WHO 'DIS?
UH, THIS IS LARRY WHITE.
WHO'S THIS?
UH, JOEY WALD.
SO HANDSOME. HELLO. YOU GUYS
RATS?
ARE YOU GUYS RATS?
NO.
YOU SEE SOMEONE OUT HERE?
HUH? MAN, BLUE SUIT.
WHITE HAT ABOUT THIS TALL.
NO.
NO, SORRY.
YOU, HUH?
NO.
NO ONE SEE HIM? HUH? OKAY.
YOU GUYS WANT SOME FAKE "I.D." S?
UH, YEAH. WE'RE TRYING TO GET
INTO THE TITTY BAR.
TITTY BAR.
THAT'S WHAT
I LIKE TO HEAR.
MOTHERFUCKER.
YEAH.
YEAH. BECOME A MAN, YOU KNOW.
SEE, SON. NO! NOT YOU.
I DON'T WANT YOU AROUND, OKAY?
STAY OFF. OKAY? STAY OFF.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE BUT I
DON'T WANT TO BUY IT, OKAY?
COME INSIDE.
YAH, TAKE OFF YOUR
SHOES.
HURRY UP.
I DON'T HAVE ALL DAY.
AYA. THANK YOU. VERY RESPECTFUL.
YOU KNOW, MAN IN BLUE SUIT WITH
THE WHITE HAT IS NOT
A FIGMENT OF MY IMAGINATION
IF THAT'S WHAT YOU THINK?
ALRIGHT? HE'S VERY ELUSIVE.
I CATCH HIM TWO TIMES.
BUT HE'S SO SLIPPERY.
I CAN'T SQUEEZE THAT TIGHT.
OKAY.
XIANGZHENG, YOU GO FIRST, OKAY?
HERE WHAT WE GONNA DO. OKAY?
YOU'RE GONNA SQUISH YOUR FACE
TOGETHER LIKE A WHITE MAN, OKAY?
IT CONFUSES THEM, ALRIGHT?
THERE WE GO.
GOOD.
OH, GOOD, GOOD. ONE MORE.
ONE.
SQUISH IT.
THERE.
GOOD, GOOD. OKAY. LET'S GO.
OKAY.
LET'S GO.
NOW FROWN FOR ME, OKAY.
FROWN.
OKAY. GOOD. THERE, THERE.
LET'S GET SOME MORE.
GOOD. GOOD. OKAY.
NOW I WANT YOU TO FLEX YOUR
TRAPS LIKE THIS, OKAY?
FLEX LIKE THIS, OKAY? GOOD.
GOOD.
YOU SEE, FROWNING MAKE YOU LOOK
UNAPPROACHABLE.
IT SAY FUCK OFF, OKAY.
PEOPLE THINK YOU KNOW WHAT YOU
TALKING ABOUT, OKAY.
AND FLEXING YOUR TRAP, OKAY...
MAKE IT LOOK LIKE YOU HAVE
WORKOUT NECK, OKAY.
A KID LIKE YOU DON'T WORK OUT.
OKAY?
OKAY.
GOOD.
LOOK HERE.
OKAY. GOOD. OKAY.
YEAH, GOOD, GOOD.
ONE MORE.
KEEP GOING, OKAY.
KEEP GOING.
THERE. THERE, THERE.
GOOD, GOOD. THANK YOU.
SO HANDSOME. SO CUTE.
YOU PROBABLY DON'T EVEN NEED
"I.D."
OH, YOU SHOW UP, THE GIRL LOVE
YOU, YOU KNOW.
THEY SAY, "OH, HE'S SO GOOD
LOOKING.
COME SIT WITH US.
COME SIT WITH US."
OH. OKAY. ONE MORE.
GOOD.
OH. SO CUTE.
SO WONDERFUL.
ONE DOWN HERE.
(LAUGHS) GOOD, GOOD, GOOD, GOOD.
GOOD. ONE FROM BEHIND. (LAUGHS)
GO, GO, GO! (CHINESE)
LET'S GO CHOW MIEN. CHOP, CHOP.
OH. WHAT THE HELL DID YOU JUST
CALL ME?
NOTHING. NOTHING.
YOU JUST CALL ME CHOW MIEN?
NO. NO. NO, NO, NO.
IF YOU DON'T CALL ME CHOW MIEN,
THEN WHAT THE HELL YOU JUST CALL ME?
I DIDN'T...
WHAT THE HELL?
NO, I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING.
NO. YOU CALL ME CHOW MIEN?
NO, NO, NO.
YOU CALL ME CHOW MIEN?
WHO JUST CALL ME CHOW MIEN?
THAT'S NOT WHAT I SAID. NO, I
DIDN'T SAY THAT.
NO! THAT'S DISRESPECTFUL, OKAY.
NO.
I DON'T... I DON'T CALL YOU
TURKEY SANDWICH, OKAY?
I CALL HIM A TALL GLASS OF
WATER, OKAY?
AH! OH MY GOD. AH! OH!
YOU LIKE THIS? YOU LIKE THAT?
YOU LIKE THAT?
'CAUSE I OWN YOU NOW.
YOU CALL ME CHOW MIEN,
I CALL THOSE CHICKEN BOWELS.
OKAY.
IT'S SO JUICY.
I'M GONNA EAT THEM, OKAY.
'CAUSE I OWN THEM.
I'M GONNA COOK THEM, OKAY?
I'M GONNA LIKE THEM OKAY? I OWN
YOU!
I TOLD HIM NOT TO SAY SHIT.
SO, WHAT BAR ARE YOU GOING TO?
UH, THE MILL.
UH, YOU NEVER GET IN THERE.
WHY?
(WHIMPERS)
NOW REMEMBER, THIS PICTURE LOOK
LIKE YOU.
BUT NOT THE PERSON YOU ARE.
IT'S STILL YOU ON THE INSIDE.
FIFTY-SIX BUCKS PLEASE.
HOW MUCH ARE THEY EACH?
TWENTY-EIGHT BUCK PER PIECE.
HIS FREE.
I OWN HIM.
I OWN HIM NOW.
THANKS.
WHY'D YOU SAY WE WOULDN'T GET
INTO THE MILL.
THE MILL HAS A DRESS CODE.
YOU KIDS, YOU DRESS LIKE KIDS.
DRESS CODE.
LET ME FIND YOUR CHANGE, OKAY?
AH, THERE YOU GO.
UH...
COME ON. COME ON.
KEEP THE CHANGE.
OH, THANK YOU.
SO NICE. AH. THANK YOU. VERY
RESPECTFUL.
GO, GO, GO. GO, GO, GO, GO!
I'LL CALL YOU LATER.
ALRIGHT, DUDE.
LET'S CHECK 'EM OUT.
I PAID FOR THOSE.
GIVE US OUR "I.D." COCK KNUCKLE.
OH, YEAH. DRY CORNER YOU.
SERIOUSLY. GIVE ME MY "I.D."
DICKWAD. I'M GONNA KILL YOU.
(GRUNTS)
I'M TWENTY-THREE.
WE LOOK LIKE MORONS.
AND THEY SAY OUR REAL NAMES.
WELL, DUH.
HOW WOULD WE USE IT IF IT HAD
SOMEONE ELSE'S NAME ON IT?
WE'RE NOT TRYING TO BOARD A
PLANE.
WHAT IF WE GET CAUGHT?
CAUGHT MY POONTANG, YOU MEAN?
NO, THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEAN.
(GRUNTS) I NEED SOMEBODY TO HELP
ME UP. (GRUNTS)
I THINK WE LOOK RUGGED.
OKAY. SO I'M NINETEEN.
YOU'RE TWENTY-THREE.
WHAT DOES YOURS SAY?
TWENTY-SIX.
YOU LOOK LIKE AN ORIENTAL BABY.
OH. OH, WE HAVE TO CHANGE.
REMEMBER WHAT HONG SAID ABOUT
OUR CLOTHES.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY CLOTHES?
WELL ACCORDING TO GOOGLE SEARCH
ON BAR DRESS CODE...
NO FLIP FLOPS, NO SNEAKERS, NO HATS, NO
BAGGY CLOTHES, AND AVOID JEANS IF POSSIBLE.
WE'RE SCREWED.
WELL, WE GOTTA CHANGE.
WHAT DO YOU GOT?
DUDE, HE JUST DESCRIBED ALL OF
MY CLOTHES.
I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT YOUR
CLOTHES.
OH. NO! NO! JOEY, NO, NO, NO!
JOEY! JOEY!
NO. NO. NO, NO, NO. HEY, NO! NO!
THAT'S... MY DAD'S GONNA BE HOME
ANY MINUTE.
HE'LL KILL ME IF HE KNOWS...
WHAT... WHAT'D YOU SAY YOUR DAD
DID, AGAIN? '
CAUSE HE'S GOT SOME STYLISH
CLOTHES.
WHOA.
LARRY, YOUR FATHER'S HOME.
HEY, YOU. NO, NO, NO.
FUCK YOU.
(SQUEALS) NO. AH! OH.
OH. OH. OH.
XIANGZHENG.
OH. LARRY DISRESPECTFUL.
HUH?
NO.
♪ I WANNA ROCK N' ROLL, ♪
♪ ALL NIGHT AND PARTY EVERY
DAY. ♪
♪ I WANNA ROCK N'
ROLL, ♪
♪ ALL NIGHT AND PARTY EVERY
DAY. ♪
♪ I WANNA ROCK N'
ROLL, ♪
♪ ALL NIGHT AND PARTY EVERY
DAY. ♪
♪ I WANNA ROCK N' ROLL,
ALL NIGHT AND PARTY EVERY DAY. ♪
♪ I WANNA ROCK N' ROLL,
ALL NIGHT AND PARTY EVERY DAY. ♪
♪ I WANNA ROCK N' ROLL,
ALL NIGHT, WHAT UP GENE ♪
♪ I DEVELOPED MY FAN BASE,
WHILE OTHERS DID COVERS, LIKE BAND-AIDS, ♪
♪ AND OPENED UP SHOWS FOR BIG
NAMES, ♪
♪ I LOOKED ON, I NEVER GOT PUT
ON, ♪
♪ THE ONLY THING I'M STRUGGLING FOR,
IS TO KEEP ON MAKING GOOD SONGS, ♪
♪ THESE KIDS BEEN ON MY MONKEY CARD
NOW, FROM CALGARY TO WORLDWIDE, ♪
♪ HOLDING YA'LL DOWN, IT'S YOUR BOY
TRANSIT, I'M THE KING OF THE GOLDEN ERA, ♪
♪ LABELED SO MANY SHIRTS,
THEY CALL ME SHAKEVERA, ♪
♪ DEAR MISTER HANGING ON, DEAR MISTER
LABEL HEAD, DEAR MISTER MONEYBANKS, ♪
♪ KING OF THE LIVING DEAD,
I AM NOT A ZOMBIE, WALK AROUND BLINDLY, ♪
♪ THESE ARE MY OWN TERMS, IF YOU
WANNA SIGN ME ♪
♪ ON MY OWN TERMS ♪
♪ ON MY OWN TERMS... ♪
WHERE ARE YOU OFF TO LOOKING SO
GOOD?
AND I'M NOT TALKING TO YOU,
JOEY.
WHAT THE HELL IS SHE DOING HERE?
WHERE ARE WE GOING?
IT'S NOT EVEN FOUR YET.
YOU, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA TELL
YOUR LOVER, MAN?
LET GO OF ME.
I'M GOING TO PUNCH
YOU IN THE THROAT.
HI SHERRY. SO NICE TO BUMP
INTO YOU AGAIN.
WISH I COULD SAY THE SAME.
VICKI, THAT'S LARRY.
THAT'S THE GUY WITH THE COMPLEX
ASIAN NAME.
AND THIS IS SEXLESS MCGEE.
I JUST GO BY JOEY
THOUGH.
"I.Y.D."
CHECK IT.
IS SHE DRUNK?
AND, UH...
HUH?
AND I AM LARRY.
OH, THAT WENT DIFFERENTLY IN MY
HEAD.
YOU HURT?
HEY, I'M XIANGZHENG. I'M...
...A FRIEND OF THEIRS.
HEY.
WHOA.
SHE'S GONNA TAKE HIM OUT.
WHOA, WHAT THE...
OH, THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE DOING.
IT'S HAPPENING AGAIN.
"W.Y.R.N."
WHERE ARE YOU GUYS GOING?
I DON'T KNOW THAT THAT MEANS.
WHAT WAS THAT PLACE WE WERE
GOING TO?
I CAN'T RE-
OH, NO.
I GOT IT! I... THE BAR, BITCHES.
HOW YOU GONNA GET IN?
WE JUST SO HAPPEN TO HOLD TWO
PIECES OF "I.D."
THAT SAY WE ARE THE PROPER
AGE TO CONSUME ALCOHOL.
UH-HUH. YEAH, CAN I SEE THIS
HIGH QUALITY IDENTIFICATION?
HELL NO, BITCH.
YEAH?
IF YOU CALL ME A BITCH AGAIN, I'M GONNA THUMP
YOU ON THE HEAD WITH THE FIRST THING I GRAB.
YOU WANNA GO FOR A DRINK?
I LIVE JUST OVER HERE AND MY
PARENTS ARE "AWOL".
VICKI.
WE'LL TALK IT O-
IT MIGHT BE
DOABLE.
YEAH, I'M... I'M... I'M IN.
DO YOU WANNA KEEP FIGHTING?
DO YOU?
YEAH, I DO.
LET'S FIGHT.
OKAY. COME ON.
OH, IT'S OKAY.
COME ON.
DON'T HURT YOURSELF.
DON'T HURT YOURSELF.
OH. OH. TIME OUT, SHERRY. GEEZ.
(GRUNTS) OW. (GRUNTS) OH.
NO, SHERRY.
I SAID TIME OUT.
YOU'RE CRAZY.
NO.
WHY ARE YOU SUCH A PERVERT,
JOEY?
YOU ARE. UGH.
GOOD ONE.
AW. AH. OH.
WHAT JUST HAPPENED?
THANK YOU.
WHY DO I GET THE YELLOW SHOT?
TO A DRINK BEFORE THE BAR.
THAT'S A GOOD TOAST.
DRINKING TO TOAST DRINKING
BEFORE GOING TO A PLACE TO DRINK.
CHEERS.
MM.
(GAGS)
(GAGS)
AH! HA.
(GAGS)
YOU KNOW, VICKI, THERE IS A
SCIENCE TO THIS.
IT'S CALLED MIXOLOGY.
YOU MADE THAT ONE UP.
YES, SIR.
THERE YOU ARE, GOOD SIR.
YOUR SHOTS ARE PREPARED.
ARE YOU...
CAN I DO THAT FOR YOU?
NO.
ALRIGHT.
AND A TOUCH OF FLAME.
WOW.
OOO.
TO THE BAR?
TO THE BAR.
THAT'S TASTY.
I DON'T THINK THE FIRST SHOTS...
BURN.
TO THE BAR.
OH, THAT IS PRETTY GOOD.
WELL-DONE, GOOD SIR.
DON'T WORRY.
I DON'T KNOCK BITCHES DOWN.
JUST UP. AH! AH!
WHOA.
OH! LARRY!
GIVE ME THIS.
OH GOD.
LARRY! LARRY! LARRY, LARRY.
LARRY.
OH.
OH MY GOD.
WAS THAT NECESSARY?
UH, YEAH.
YOU... I THINK YOU JUST SAVED HIS
LIFE.
GOD, VICKI.
WHY WOULD YOU HAND ME THAT?
WHAT?
LARRY. LARRY.
I'M NOT INVOLVED.
LARRY.
IS HE ALIVE?
I CAN'T GO TO JAIL.
NO, HE'S OKAY.
IT'S OKAY. HE'S... WELL, HE'S... HE'S GOT A
LITTLE BUMP ON THE HEAD AND NOTHING SERIOUS.
HE'S FINE. WHAT WOULD LARRY DO?
AND ONE FOR YOU.
THIS IS AWESOME.
AND ONE FOR ME.
AND ONE FOR YOU.
COME ON.
AND ONE FOR YOU.
HURRY. HE'S GONNA WAKE UP.
I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN DO THIS,
GUYS.
YOU MIND IF I JUST WATCH?
WATCH AWAY, GOOD BUDDY.
BUT I'M NOT GONNA LET MY FRIEND GO TO THE TITTY BAR FOR
THE FIRST TIME LOOKING LIKE HE JUST BLEW THE HUMAN TORCH.
WHAT THE HELL?
WHAT ARE YOU ALL DOING STANDING
AROUND HERE?
LET'S DANCE, HUH? WOO.
YO.
YO.
CAN YOU TELL HIM HE CAN'T COME
IN?
GOT IT.
YO.
YO, DUDE.
WHAT THE HELL?
OU CAN'T BE HERE, MAN.
I NEED TO KNOW WHAT'S UP.
OH.
NO! HEY! I NEED TO KNOW WHAT'S
UP. WHAT'S UP?
YO.
YO. (LAUGHS)
YOU KNOW, I DON'T THINK YOU HAVE TO WORRY
THAT GIRLS DON'T WANNA SLEEP WITH YOU.
I'M PRETTY SURE LARRY'S
ATTRACTED TO YOU.
YOU KNOW, SHERRY.
YOU DON'T ALWAYS HAVE TO PUSH MY
BUTTONS.
I'M NOT TRYING TO PUSH YOUR
BUTTONS.
I'M TRYING TO HELP YOU.
YEAH, RIGHT.
BUT THAT'S WHAT YOU DO, ISN'T
IT?
YOU'RE A MIXER UPPER.
NO, NO!
OH. WHAT THE HELL?
OH.
I COULD TEACH YOU WHAT GIRLS
LIKE.
WELL, WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT
GIRLS?
I AM A GIRL, JOEY.
YEAH, RIGHT.
NO.
I'M NOT A SEAFOOD GUY, SHERRY.
I THOUGHT MAYBE YOU WOULD'VE PICKED
THAT UP OVER THE PAST FIFTEEN YEARS.
SHUT UP AND TRY IT.
LICK IT.
♪ TAKE ME AWAY... ♪
STICK IT IN.
♪ TAKE ME AWAY, ♪
THAT'S ACTUALLY REALLY
GOOD.
THANKS.
SO WHY DO YOU HAVE TO SNEAK INTO
THE BAR SO BADLY.
I'M... SOME HOT CHICK ASKED ME TO
MEET HER THERE AT NINE THIRTY.
AS IF.
FUCK OFF.
I'M SERIOUS.
WOO. ARE YOU ALL READY
FOR YOUR BIG DATE, STUD?
I THINK SO.
UM, ACTUALLY, NOT
QUITE.
YO.
YO.
FUCK.
CUT STRIP INTO DESIRED
SIZE AND SHAPE.
SO, WHAT'S HER NAME?
CAN'T BE EXPECTED TO REMEMBER
ALL THE NAMES, SHERRY.
GOT QUITE A FEW ON THE GO.
LARRY, IF YOU DON'T TELL ME.
OH MY...
I'M KIDDING.
HOLY.
WHY THE HELL WAS THAT SO SCARY?
WHAT THE HELL'S IN THIS SHIT?
OKAY.
ARE YOU SURE YOU CAN'T FIND ONE LITTLE
NAME IN THAT THICK NOGGIN OF YOURS?
THERE'S A LOT OF STUFF IN THIS
THICK NOGGIN.
OR I MIGHT... OR I MIGHT NOT
KNOW.
OR I MIGHT NOT KNOW.
ARE YOU LYING TO ME, LARRY?
NOT NOW.
BEFORE.
SOMETIMES I LIKE, OKAY.
I'M NOT PROUD OF IT. OKAY?
NO! NO! OKAY.
THERE'S... THERE'S NOT ANOTHER
GIRL.
THERE'S NOT A... THERE'S NOT
ANOTHER GIRL.
(SIGHS, SNIFFS) NO PAIN, NO
GAIN. (SIGHS, PANTS) AH! AH! AH!
(SIGHS, SNIFFS) NO PAIN, NO
GAIN. (SIGHS, PANTS) AH! AH! AH!
WHAT'S UP, YO?
AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO BE HIS
FRIENDS?
YOU GUYS KNOW WHAT HE DOES.
WELL ACTUALLY I BARELY KNOW THE
GUY.
WE KINDA JUST STARTED HANGING
OUT THIS MORNING.
WHAT IF IT'S LIKE WHEN THAT FRENCH CHICK
ASKED HIM TO COME OVER AND PET HER BEAVER.
IT'S NOT LIKE THAT TIME.
AH.
AND SERIOUSLY, WHO RAISES
BEAVERS?
WHERE'S THE DEMAND THERE?
REMEMBER WHEN YOUR HOME EC PARTNER
ASKED YOU OVER TO STUFF CLAM?
YEAH.
DELICIOUS.
HOW 'BOUT HIS FACE WHEN... WHEN
HE TOLD US, UH,
"HER DAD IS ACTUALLY A SEAFOOD
CHEF."
HOW 'BOUT THE TIME, UH, HE, UH,
HE MOTOR BOATED THE NURSING MOTHER.
HOW COULD THAT HAPPEN?
WELL SHE'S JUST SITTING THERE AND THEN SHE SMILES
AT ME AND PULLS OUT THESE BIG OLD TITTIES.
LIKE WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO
THINK?
AND YOU CAN'T EVEN SEE THE BABY,
IT'S SO SMALL.
AND WHATEVER.
IT'S NOT LIKE THAT TIME,
ANYWAYS.
I'M NOT THAT GUY ANYMORE.
I'M AT THE TOP OF MY GAME.
YO, YOU GOT, UH, YOU GOT
SOMETHING ON YOUR PANTS THERE.
WHAT? OH.
OH, IT'S LIKE RIGHT IN THE
MIDDLE OF YOUR CROTCH.
WHERE?
ALRIGHT.
IT LOOKS LIKE A... OH, A FLICKY,
FLICKY.
OH, GOD.
OH. OH.
WE GOTTA ROLL.
OH, ACTUALLY, I DON'T THINK MY
NIGHT CAN GET ANY MORE LUCKIER.
SO I'M JUST GONNA...
I'M JUST GONNA HANG. POW.
HAVE FUN AT THE BAR.
YOU GUYS COOL?
NEED ANYTHING?
OH. THANKS FOR THE DRINKS AND
STUFF.
WILL I SEE YOU LATER?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW?
LET'S GO, GOOD FRIEND.
NO. LEAVE ME ALONE.
MAN, THAT'S MEAN.
WE'RE OFF TO THE BAR!
SERIOUSLY, LEAVE ME ALONE.
HELL, NO. YOU NEVER GET IN HERE.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
COME ON.
YO, BACK OF THE LINE.
MY... MY GIRLFRIEND'S IN THERE.
YOU GOT YOUR "I.D.", MAN.
MAY I SEE SOME IDENTIFICATION,
PLEASE?
OH, YEAH. YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
UM, SHIFTY. I'M... I... SHIFTY FROM
THE KITCHEN IS... UH, I'M HIS NEIGHBOR.
WHO, THE WHAT?
HONG?
WHAT THE HELL YOU CALL ME?
NOTHING. I'M SORRY. UM, NOTHING.
UM, MY FRIEND HERE, HE'S
RETARDED.
AND, YOU KNOW, HE'S NEVER BEEN
TO THE TITTY BAR.
AND HE DOESN'T HAVE MUCH TIME
LEFT.
COULD YOU JUST PLEASE LET US IN.
WE'D LIKE TO COME INSIDE
ESTABLISH... YOUR ESTABLISHMENT.
MM. GOOD JOB, LARRY. GOOD JOB.
YOU KIDS, UH, UNDER AGED KIDS?
OH, NO. NO, SIR.
RUN. RUN. RUN FOR OUR LIFE!
COME ON. COME ON. COME ON. COME
ON.
WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED OF ME?
HEY, YOU CRY LIKE A BIG CHICKEN.
YOU RUN AWAY. CA-CA-CA-CA-CA.
CA-CA-CA-CA-CA.
LIKE A BIG CHICKEN.
HONG. YOU GOTTA LET US IN, DUDE.
THESE "I.D." 'S SO GOOD.
THEY EVEN FOOL ME.
(LAUGHS) WELL WE GOT 'EM FROM
THE BEST.
YEAH, YOU'RE SO HANDSOME.
SO CUTE.
STOP.
SO BEAUTIFUL.
LOOK AT THIS.
SO CUTE.
STOP.
I LOVE IT.
I LOVE THIS.
HONG. PLEASE.
PLEASE STOP.
OKAY.
YEAH?
GO INSIDE.
YOU HAVE FUN, OKAY?
THANK YOU. THANK YOU SO MUCH.
(GRUNTS)
HEY, LARRY.
LARRY?
COME ON, MAN.
BRING IT IN.
NO! NO! GO INSIDE!
EXCUSE ME.
I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY.
GEEZ. JUST... IT'S REALLY
CROWDED.
I'M SORRY.
YO.
LINE STARTS IN THE BACK.
OH, I'M... I'M SUPPOSED TO SEE
HER.
YEAH, ME, TOO.
I'M GONNA GO FUCK HER ON HER
BREAK.
HI. SO, SIX "ZAMBOLT'S", THREE BEERS,
TWO SCOTCH ON THE ROCKS, AND YOU LOOK HOT.
CAN YOU REPEAT THAT?
I SAID YOU LOOK HOT.
NO, I GOT THAT PART.
WHO CARES WHAT YOU ORDERED.
HE JUST WANTS TO LOOK AT YOUR TITS
AND ASS WHILE YOU BRING IT TO HIM.
IS THAT JEALOUSY?
THAT'S A BIT DIFFERENT FROM
LUNCHTIME.
IF I SAW SOMEONE I WOULDA DONE
SOMETHING.
HOW COULD YOU SEE SOMEONE?
HE WAS JUST THROWING A SHOE AT
MY FACE.
LUCY?
JOEY.
HEY... WHOA.
COME HERE.
WHOA.
I BELIEVE YOU DRINK THESE.
YEAH.
YOU KNOW, YOU EVER FEEL LIKE YOU'RE
JUST NOT QUITE GETTING SOMETHING?
IT SEEMS LIKE A MISSING PART OF
MY MEMORY.
CAN YOU TELL ME SOMETHING?
NO.
I WILL NOT BREAK.
I WILL NOT BREAK!
I WILL NOT BREAK.
LARRY.
CAN YOU NOT FREAK OUT RIGHT NOW?
WHY? SO I CAN BE LIKE YOU?
JUST SNEAKING IN THE SHADOWS.
SNEAKING IN THE SHADOWS.
DOWN TIME IS PUSSY TIME.
YOU'RE CAUSING TOO MUCH
ATTENTION. LARRY.
HOW 'BOUT YOU? HOW 'BOUT YOU,
PAL?
YOU GOT... YOU GOT A WATCH?
I MEAN DOES I READ PUSSYTIME?
(LAUGHS)
WHY DON'T YOU TAKE YOUR HAND OFF
MY...(LAUGHS)
MY FRIEND HERE.
'CAUSE HE CAN'T GET WITH THE
BARTENDER.
HE WANTS TO GET WITH THE
BARTENDER.
DID YOU... YOU HEAR THAT
PUSSYBOY?
IT'S TIME TO TAKE THIS SHIT
OVER.
YOU JUST GONNA LET HIM LAUGH AT
YOU?
I... I DON'T THINK HE'S LAUGHING
AT ME.
I SAID I DUBBED THIS LAND.
LARRYOPOLIS.
OH.
I'M GONNA GET US SOME MORE
CAESARS.
LEAVE.
LIKE ALWAYS.
NO!
CAUSING TROUBLE?
NO, SIR!
YOU MADE IT, MAN.
OH, GEEZ. SHIFTY, DON'T TOUCH...
HUG IT OUT.
(CONT'D) ...SHE'S RIGHT THERE.
DON'T TOUCH ME.
NO. NO, I DON'T HUG IT.
YOU.
NO.
WHY YOU GOTTA DO ME LIKE THIS,
MAN?
AFTER ALL MY SWEET HOOKUPS.
YOU DIDN'T HOOK UP SHIT. I CAN'T
EVEN GET CLOSE TO LUCY.
IT'S LIKE EVERY GUY IN THIS BAR
IS HERE TO SEE HER.
THEY ARE. YOU HAVE THE
ADVANTAGE.
HOW?
LET ME TELL YOU A LITTLE SOMETHING,
SOMETHING ABOUT LUCY, LUCY.
NO. SHIFTY, I WANT... NO, DUDE.
COME ON.
(CONT'D) LUCY WANTED ME TO GIVE
YOU A MESSAGE, MAN.
REALLY?
YEAH. SHE LIKES YOU JOEY BOY.
DON'T FUCK WITH ME, SHIFTY.
HEY, COME ON, NEIGHBOR.
WOULD I DO THAT?
NOW LISTEN UP.
IN ABOUT TWO MINUTES SHE'S GONNA LEAVE THAT
BAR AND SHE'S GONNA GO TO HER SEX ROOM.
OH.
SHE WANTS YOU TO GO AFTER HER.
SHE SAID ALL THAT?
YEAH.
BUT SHE DON'T WANT YOU TO
CHICKEN OUT THIS TIME, JOEY.
SHE DOESN'T?
NO.
YEAH.
YOU'RE GONNA FUCK HER.
WITH YOUR LITTLE DINKY.
YEAH.
YEAH. YEAH.
SHIFTY! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU
DOING?
UH, I... I GOT HIM, MISTER BARON.
CODE "F".
CODE "F".
UNDERAGER.
AH! COME HERE.
AH! OH, I GOT HIM.
OH.
OH. (MOANS)
FUCK. (SIGHS)
YOU GONNA DO IT OR WHAT, BUDDY?
YEAH. YEAH, I AM.
♪ ...HURTS MORE AND MORE AS THE
STRONGEST, ♪
♪ I'M IN LOVE... ♪
LUCY.
♪ I"M IN LOVE, ♪
♪ I'M IN LOVE.. ♪
HEY, OLD BALLS.
(GRUNTS) HEY, HEY.
SSH. SSH. SSH, SSH.
♪ YOU LOVE THE SOURCE, ♪
♪ I'M IN LOVE... ♪
LUCY.
(GASPS) OH.
HEY, UH. SORRY. I'M LOOKING FOR
MY DATE. AH! AH.
(GRUNTS)
(GRUNTS) LUCY.
LUCY?
LUCY?
HEY.
OCCUPIED.
SORRY.
SO SO-EW.
LUCY?
WHO'S THERE?
UH, IT'S ME. JOEY.
WHAT?
WHAT, JOEY?
HEY.
JOEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
YOU.
HEY. I REALLY SHOULDN'T. (MOANS,
KISS SOUNDS, LAUGHS)
OW.
WHOA.
WHAT?
(GASPS)
OW. (LAUGHS) WHOA! GEEZ! FUCK!
WHOA!
LUCY!
WHY WOULD YOU ASK ME TO COME
HERE?
WHAT, SO YOU COULD JUST BREAK MY
HEART?
YOU KNOW WHAT, FUCK YOU!
FUCK YOU!
YOU WANT THIS?
SHIT.
OH GOD.
COME HERE.
NO, NO, NO.
SO, UH, THAT'S THE EQUIPMENT
SHED.
YEAH, THAT'S THERE.
AREN'T YOU COMING?
LET'S GO UP THE BACK WAY.
NO.
WELL.
OH, THIS ISN'T FAIR. (PANTS)
GET BACK.
I GOT YOU.
WHAT THE-WHO?
THE UNDERAGE.
HELP ME.
HE'S CRAZY.
HE'S FUCKING... HE'S CRAZY.
HOW'S IT GOIN', MAN?
GOOD TO SEE YOU.
GOOD TO SEE YOU.
YOU, TOO.
WHAT?
WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?
HE DROPPED HIS "I.D."
"I.D.", HUH?
I... I THINK THAT... THAT'S MINE.
AH!
I'M GONNA LET YOU ALL FIGURE
THIS OUT.
I GOTTA GO FINISH UP.
AH, COOL, MAN.
SAY HI TO LUCY FOR ME.
SHUT UP.
SO, MISTER WALD.
MISTER WALD.
YEAH?
WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO GO HAVE A
LITTLE CHAT.
EAH?
JUST A LITTLE CHAT.
ABOUT... WHA-WHAT?
WE'RE GONNA GET THE COPS TO SORT
THIS OUT.
THE COPS?
DON'T CALL THE COPS ON HIM,
MISTER BARON.
EXCUSE ME?
I OWN THIS JOINT!
I BLEED INTO THIS ESTABLISHMENT SO THAT MY BENEVOLENT
PATRONS CAN HAVE A NICE, FUN, RELAXING TIME.
AND YOU HAVE THE AUDACITY TO COME IN HERE
AND TREAT IT LIKE YOUR OWN PERSONAL...
WHAT?
FUCKING PLAYGROUND.
NOW THAT, TO ME, IS YOU LOOKING
ME RIGHT IN THE FACE AND SAYING,
"WELL THAT'S A BIG FUCK YOU, MISTER
BARON, AND EVERYTHING YOU STAND FOR."
IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE SAYING?
NO.
BUT, MISTER BARON.
THE COPS, THEY'LL LOCK HIM UP
FOR THE NIGHT.
THAT'S... THAT'S FINE.
I DON'T MIND THAT.
I WOULD... I WOULD ACTUALLY ENJOY
SEEING THAT VERY MUCH.
BUT I'M A MINOR.
YEAH.
IN A BAR.
YOU'RE GONNA SPEND THE NEXT THREE
MONTHS IN JUVIE FOR THAT FAKE "I.D."
CALL THE COPS.
NO. NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
THERE... THERE... THERE HAS TO BE
SOMETHING WE COULD DO.
I COULD MAYBE DO SOMETHING FOR
YOU?
OH, OH.
AND WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO DO?
UH, WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?
YOU JUST SIT RIGHT THERE AND
WAIT.
OH, I WANT THAT ONE!
I KNOW, RIGHT? I CAN TELL 'EM
IT'S A LIQUID BOMB.
AND THEY'RE TAKING IT ACROSS THE
STREET WHERE THE LIQUIDS MIX, BOOM.
AND IT'S JUST SO CUTE.
THEY DO THIS LITTLE PENGUIN
WALK.
I MEAN IT'S... OH, YES.
THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT THEY DO.
HUH?
AH. AH.
I'M GONNA KILL YOU.
I AM GON-
WAIT. NO, NO, NO.
PLEASE.
PLEASE DON'T KILL ME.
PLEASE DON'T KILL ME.
PLEASE DON'T KILL ME.
THIS IS THE GUY.
WE GO ALL THE WAY.
NO. NO. IT'S TOO MUCH.
NOBODY HOOPS THE TIN.
THEY ALWAYS CALL OUR BLUFF.
MAKE HIM WEAR THE HELMET.
HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT A
BLUFF IS.
DIDN'T YOU SEE HOW TERRIFIED HE
LOOKED?
WELL, YEAH, HE'S SCARED.
BUT RAE'S RIGHT.
WE'VE GOT ONE SHOT AT THIS AND IF
HE CALLS OUR BLUFF THE JIG'S UP.
HE'LL DO IT.
IS THIS HOW YOU REPAY ME? HUH?
I'M SORRY.
HONG.
SETTLE.
SETTLE.
NOW, MISTER WALD, I WOULD LIKE NOTHING MORE THAN TO SEE
YOU GO TO JAIL BUT THESE GIRLS DON'T WANT THAT TO HAPPEN.
HE'LL NEVER DO IT.
SSH. SSH. SO THAT MEANS
YOU'RE IN MY DEBT.
AND NOW YOU HAVE ONE OF TWO
OPTIONS TO GET OUT OF MY DEBT.
THIS TIN CONTAINS ITEMS FROM A
MAN WHO WAS SENT HERE TO KILL ME.
I WOULD LIKE YOU TO RETURN THIS TIN
TO THE MAN WHO HIRED HIM AS A MESSAGE.
IF YOU DO THAT, YOU ARE FREE
FROM YOUR DEBT.
REALLY?
MM-HMM.
WELL YOU'VE GOT YOURSELF A DEAL.
ALL I HAVE TO DO IS TAKE THIS TIN
TO THIS GUY AND THEN I CAN GO FREE?
THEN YOU'RE FREE.
AND THEN I KILL YOU.
WHAT? NO DEAL IF HE KEEPS
THREATENING ME LIKE THAT.
HONG WILL NOT KILL YOU.
OH, YEAH, I WILL SO.
HONG.
I WILL PROBABLY NOT KILL YOU.
NO, BULLSHIT. I WANNA HEAR HIM
SAY IT PROPERLY.
HONG.
I WILL NOT KILL YOU.
SO WE'RE AGREED?
OKAY.
YOU GOT A DEAL.
YET.
SEE WHAT I DID THERE?
HONG TIED.
I TRICKED YOU.
NOW THERE ARE A FEW CERTAIN SECURITY
PROTOCOLS THAT MUST BE FOLLOWED.
AND JUST SO THAT THIS IS NOT FOUND,
YOU MUST CONCEAL IT IN YOUR RECTUM.
WHAT?
NO, THAT'S... THAT'S REALLY NOT
NECESSARY.
THESE ARE ALL FULLY FUNCTIONING
POCKETS.
I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR POCKETS.
WE NEED TO MAKE SURE THAT THIS IS
ABSOLUTELY, ONE HUNDRED PERCENT SECURE.
THE ONLY SECURE PLACE ON YOU IS
YOUR ANAL CAVITY.
THEN FUCK THAT.
WHAT'S OPTION "B"?
I TOLD YOU.
NO ONE HOOPS THE TIN.
OPTION "B" IS I GIVE YOU TO
HONG.
AND THEN I GO LOOKING FOR
ANOTHER TIN TO PUT YOUR SHIT IN.
OKAY?
HOW? WELL DON'T YOU HAVE ANYTHING
LIKE JUST A LITTLE MORE AERODYNAMIC?
NOPE.
WELL, TIME'S A WASTIN'.
HERE WE GO. OH. AH. AH.
AH. AH. OH. OH.
OH. AH. OH.
OH. YEAH. OH.
THIS WAS YOUR IDEA.
HO, HO, HO. HEE, HEE.
IT WENT RIGHT IN THERE.
THE WHOLE THING.
OW.
UH, YAH.
SO, UH, WHAT'S, UH, WHAT'S THE
ADDRESS AGAIN? PLEASE.
UH.
NOW WHEN YOU GET TO THE PLACE YOU'LL
WANNA GO TO THE BATHROOM JUST...
JUST PUT IT ON TOP OF THE
TOILET TANK.
THAT'S IT.
OKAY.
AH.
YOU'RE HOLE JUST SWALLOWED THE
WHOLE THING.
JUST WENT RIGHT UP THERE.
NO RESISTANCE.
LIKE IT HAD A HOME FOR IT.
OH.
OH MY GOD.
DID YOU HEAR HIS ASS?
I CAN'T BELIEVE HE DID IT.
WHAT THE HELL DID YOU PUT IN
THERE?
I DON'T KNOW.
A COUPLE BATTERIES.
SOME POCKET CHANGE.
MAYBE SOME THUMBTACKS.
I CAN'T REMEMBER.
OH MY GOD.
DO-DOES THE LID STAY ON VERY
WELL?
NO.
OH.
ARE YOU RETARDED, LITTLE PIG
FACE?
I TOLD YOU NOT TO CALL ME THAT.
OOO, YOU'RE SO SMART.
LOOK AT THE BIG BRAIN ON JOE.
YOU SMART ENOUGH TO KNOW THERE'S
NO HOUSE TO GO TO?
WHAT'S THIS?
THAT'S A PIECE OF PAPER.
T'S A JOKE, JOE.
WE PLAY JOKES ON MINORS WHEN WE
CATCH 'EM.
HELP SCARE 'EM OFF.
BUT NO ONE HAS EVER
HOOPED A TIN BEFORE, DUDE.
THAT IS SO RIGHTEOUS.
I HAVE TO USE YOUR WASHROOM.
OH, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, JOE.
ABSOLUTELY NO MINORS ALLOWED.
YOU GOTTA GO, JOE.
OW. AH. AH. OH.
THIS IS SOME BOMB SHIT, YO.
HOW'S IT GOIN', JOEY?
HOW YOU FEELIN'?
IS YOUR ASS SORE?
WHY?
CAUSE I JUST FUCKED YOU.
THAT'S WHY.
UM, I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE
TALKING ABOUT, SHIFTY.
WHAT... WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN UP TO?
OH, I DON'T KNOW, MAN. PRETTY
BUSY.
FUCKING YOU IN THE ASS!
WHAT?
DO YOU THINK IT'S FUN, JOE?
WHEN YOU AND YOUR WEIRD FRIEND
FUCK ME?
THAT... WHAT ARE YOU... WHAT YOU
GOT, SHIFTY?
DO YOU THINK IT'S FUN WHEN YOU AND
LARRY THROW SHIT AT MY FACE, MAN?
UH.
YOU THINK THAT FEELS GOOD? IT
FUCKING HURTS.
IT'S... IT'S MOSTLY LARRY.
I'LL KILL BOTH OF YA.
WHAT?
LOOK WHAT SHIFTY'S GOT.
OH, GOD.
COME HERE, FUCKFACE.
WHY YOU RUNNIN' FROM ME, JOE?
I JUST WANNA TALK TO
YOU, MAN.
HOLD YOUR PRECIOUS
LITTLE FACE IN MY HANDS.
CUT YOUR FUCKIN' HAIR OFF,
THAT'S ALL.
WHAT'S THE MATTER, JOE?
AREN'T YOU GONNA TELL ME TO HUMP
MY FACE? HUH? HUH?
WHY DON'T YOU TELL ME TO HUMP MY
FACE, JOE? OH.
OH, OH
I'M UP IN YOUR FACE. YEAH. OH,
OH. HOW'S THAT FEEL?
I LIKE HUMPING IT HARD AND DEEP.
YEAH. I'M ALSO HIGH RIGHT NOW.
I THINK I GET A CUDDLE.
NO. NO! NO!
SSH. SSH. NO.
EVERY DAY, JOE, YOU AND LARRY KEEP
PUSHIN' AND PRODDIN' AND GOADING ME.
ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME CRAZY,
JOE?
NO. NO.
YOU WANNA SEE ME CRAZY?
NUH-UH.
I'LL SHOW YA FUCKING CRAZY!
HUMP YOUR FACE, SHIFTY.
HUH.
FUCK ME.
HI, JOEY.
HEY.
I'M NO JOKER NOW.
HEY, HOW WAS THE BAR?
THAT GOOD, HUH?
I SAID, HUMP YOUR FACE, SHIFTY.
YOU'LL RUE THIS NIGHT,
XIANGZHENG.
FUCKING WEIRD GUY.
JOEY?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING, JOEY?
OH. YOU GUYS GOT PIZZA. SWEET.
I'M JEALOUS.
UH, I'LL SEE YOU LATER.
HEY. HEY, JOEY.
DID YOU FUCK THE GIRL YOU'RE
TRYING TO FUCK?
SHUT UP, XIANGZHENG.
OH, SHERRY.
SHERRY.
OH, SORRY.
YOU'RE SUPER COOL NOW.
NO. NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
IT'S NOT LIKE THAT.
IT'S JUST... IT'S BEEN A ROUGH
DAY.
DID I LOSE, JOEY?
WHY DON'T WE GET COMFY?
COMFY, COMFY.
AH.
WHY ARE YOU WALKING
LIKE THAT?
UH, UM, SINCE MY... MY LEGS ARE
SORE FROM ALL THE DANCING.
LOOKS LIKE YOU GOT SOMETHING
SHOVED UP YOUR ASS.
CAN'T SIT DOWN?
WELL IT'S...
STANDING'S COOL.
YEAH?
OH. AH.
OH MY GOD.
I'M SORRY.
I DIDN'T MEAN TO.
I'M SO SORRY.
OH, NO. NO, IT'S FINE.
I'M FINE. AH. AH.
UM, WHAT ARE
YOU... WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I KNOCKED ALL YOUR CHANGE IN THE
GRASS.
I'LL FIND IT.
OH, NO, NO.
DON'T, DON'T, DON'T.
SERIOUSLY.
I'VE... I'VE GOT MORE.
DON'T.
WHAT'S SO FUNNY?
WHOA.
NOTHING.
IT'S JUST, I'VE BEEN
GETTING MY ASS KICKED ALL DAY.
BY THAT KID CLERK,
BY THIS BIG DUDE AT THE BAR, AND
THE BOUNCER,
AND SHIFTY NEARLY KILLED ME.
AND THE ONLY ONE TO MAKE
ME BLEED TONIGHT IS YOU.
WOW.
YOU MUST REALLY LIKE MY SISTER
TO GO THROUGH ALL THAT.
♪ YOU DANCE AROUND THE
SUBJECT... ♪
YOU KNOW THAT?
WHATEVER. SHE WOULDN'T
SCREW YOU.
WHAT? WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO
MEAN?
WHAT DO YOU THINK IT MEANS?
I'LL GIVE YOU A HINT.
IT'S NOT IN CODE.
♪ I LOVE THE WAY YOU LOOK
AT ME... ♪
WHAT?
YOU DON'T THINK I'M OLD ENOUGH
FOR HER?
PROBABLY NOT.
BUT THAT'S NOT THE MAIN REASON.
OH, IT'S 'CAUSE MY FAMILY'S NOT
RICH ENOUGH FOR YOUR FAMILY.
NO, RETARD.
THAT'S NOT A REASON.
IT'S 'CAUSE MY DICK'S
NOT BIG ENOUGH.
WHAT?
NO. YOU HAVE A SMALL
DICK?
NO.
IT'S 'CAUSE I'M NOT GOOD
LOOKING.
YOU'RE GOOD LOOKING, JOEY.
♪ THE ONLY ONE... ♪
REALLY?
♪ JUST MAY BE... ♪
BETTER THAN XIANGZHENG?
WAIT. DON'T ANSWER THAT.
WHY WOULDN'T YOUR SISTER SCREW
ME?
♪ IT'S NO PLACE THAT
I'D RATHER BE... ♪
'CAUSE SHE'S MY SISTER.
♪ YEAH... ♪
SHE WOULDN'T DO THAT TO ME.
WHAT?
OH.
THAT'S DISGUSTING.
UH, YEAH.
SHOULD WE DO SOMETHING?
UH, I GOT IT.
AH. OH.
HEY, XIANGZHENG, YOU DRUNK
LITTLE FREAK.
YOU WENT CRAZY TONIGHT.
DID I PASS, JOEY?
WHAT?
DID I MAKE IT?
YOU STOLE OUR GIRL, PUKED EVERYWHERE,
BUT YOU SAVED MY FUCKING LIFE.
YOU'RE IN.
YEAH, DUDE.
I'M IN.
YOU... YOU NEED ME TO SIGN?
THAT.
IT'S BURNS MY NOSE DRY.
I PUKED OUT MY NOSE. JOEY.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO, JOEY?
WHY? WHAT'S WRONG?
SHE WANTS TO HAVE SEX.
WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?
LARRY SAID HE WOULDN'T LEAVE ME?
AND MY PHONE'S BROKEN.
I CAN'T GOOGLE SEARCH IT.
SSH.
I DON'T KNOW WHICH HOLE TO GO IN
FIRST, JOEY.
OKAY. OH, SSH.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TEMPERATURE THE
LUBRICATION IS SUPPOSED TO BE, JOEY.
OH, SSH.
SSH. SSH. XIANGZHENG?
YEAH.
JUST GIVE ME A MINUTE, OKAY?
A MINUTE?
JUST GIVE ME A MINUTE.
JUST A MINUTE?
JUST A MINUTE.
OKAY.
YOU'RE NOT... NOT GONNA GO FAR?
I'M NOT GONNA LEAVE YOU.
OKAY.
BUT I THINK I PUKED THROUGH MY
NOSE, JOEY.
I CAN'T SEE.
YOU LOOK LIKE A GIRL TONIGHT,
SHERRY.
I GOTTA GO.
XIANGZHENG'S...
FREAKING OUT.
YEAH. A LITTLE BIT.
IT'S JUST, SOMEBODY'S GOTTA TAKE
HIM HOME.
YOU'RE TAKING OFF AGAIN?
NO, COME ON.
HEY MAN.
YOU... YOU CAN'T BE HERE, MAN.
(LAUGHS)
GET OUT OF HERE! I KNEW IT! I
KNEW IT!
I KNOW WHAT'S UP!
MY FIST HAS A HARD ON FOR YOUR
FACE!
I WANNA PUNCH YOU SO MANY TIMES!
SEE YOU AROUND, CHINATOWN!
YOU GOTTA... YOU GOTTA GO THROUGH
ME TO GET TO HIM.
THAT'S HOW IT WORKS.
HEY, BUDDY!
HEY.
YEAH.
WHY IS YOUR PANTS UNDONE?
NEVER MIND.
WHY IS YOUR PANTS UNDONE?
NOTHING.
NOTHING HAPPENED.
LET'S DO IT, LITTLE BUDDY.
COME ON.
OKAY.
HEY, YOU.
YEAH?
YOU LEFT ME BACK THERE, BUD.
AND THEY BROKE ME.
YOU KNOW WHAT, DUDE.
HUMP YOUR FACE.
I HAVE MY OWN PROBLEMS.
WHAT THE HELL DID YOU JUST SAY
TO ME?
YOU HEARD WHAT I SAID.
WHAT THE HELL'D YOU JUST SAY TO
ME?
OH. OH. OH. OH.
I'M SORRY, LITTLE BUDDY.
COME ON.
YOU'RE OKAY.
ARMS UP.
OH.
AH.
OH MY... OH.
OH.
WHAT'S UP? HEY, CALL ME
TOMORROW.
OW.
GOD, YOU'RE A DICK.
AH. AH.
AH.
WHAT'S THAT SOUND?
I DON'T HEAR A THING.
LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE OFF THE HOOK.
YEAH.
I GUESS. OH.
WHOA. ALRIGHT.
OH.
I GOTTA GO.
WHAT?
WELL, SOMEONE'S GOTTA PUT "MISS
SHITTY DRUNK" TO BED. SO...
WHOA.
THAT'S WHAT I'M GONNA DO.
YEAH?
IF YOU WANNA...
I'LL SEE YOU LATER, RIGHT?
WELL, THERE'S NO ONE THERE.
I MEAN YOU COULD...
SHOULD... SHOULD I GO HOME?
YOU WANT ME TO GO HOME OR...
OR YOU COULD COME OVER AND PLAY
WITH MY...(LAUGHS).
UH, YEAH. YEAH.
THAT'D... THAT'D BE NEAT.
♪ I GOT YOUR MOTHER'S SHEEP... ♪
♪ AFTER ONLY TWO WEEKS... ♪
COME ON.
♪ AGAIN... ♪
THAT'D BE NEAT.
DID I REALLY JUST SAY THAT?
♪ AND THE TEXT YOU
SENT... ♪
WHOA.
♪ SAYS... ♪
COME ON.
♪ I'M BUSY... ♪
HEY, SO VICKI, YOU'RE, UH...
YOU'RE FAMILY DOESN'T HAVE A CAT, DO THEY?
♪ YOU'RE NOT WITH YOUR
FRIENDS? ♪
NO? NO PUSSY WILLOW TREES?
NO? COME ON. WHOA, WHOA.
COME ON.
COME ON.
WAIT UP.
♪ DID YOU FINALLY GET A
JOB, BABY? ♪
♪ NOT LIKE ME ♪
♪ WHO ARE YOU ♪
♪ WITHOUT ME ♪
♪ I'll TELL YOU WHAT I SEE ♪
♪ YOU WERE THE REAL THING ♪