Get a Life (2006) - full transcript

- [Monty] It all started
with me saying goodbye to

my significant other in
Boston and heading down

to University of Chicago
for a summer project.

That was the beginning of what

I would call my summer of love.

The summer in which I met a variety of

colorful characters in
the seedy underground

of the so-called night
life of the windy city.

And colorful they were.

There was Quasimodo, the lovable troll

who claimed to have invented
the first glory hole.



Her archenemy "Baby" Jane Hudson,

and old time actor from years gone by.

Then there was Kunta, the illegal alien

who was rumored to sell
$5 blowjobs, then send

the money to his sick mother in Mexico.

John Bennet, who was once a beautiful

blonde beauty, but that
was a long time ago.

There was Hal, Ryan, who was nothing

but trouble, the mid-lunch cowboy,

Red Rider, Montezuma, Cleopatra.

And then there was Jamie.

This time of night, Jamie could usually

be found in the late night Mexican

dump on Halstead having a burrito or two.



Or in one of the XXX video arcades.

I met Jamie my first night out in Chicago.

So now that I've brought you all to him,

I'll give him the spotlight
and bow away gracefully.

Well not too gracefully, as you'll see.

- Oh, well if it isn't
super troll at large.

- Look who's talking.

(gentle piano music)

- [Marcus] Come on Jamie, say it.

- [Jamie] This is a bad
idea, I can't go there.

- [Marcus] Say it, Jamie.

You've gone too far to go back now.

- [Jamie] No I haven't.

- [Marcus] Jamie.

- I can't, I mean that would be too much.

- Tell me what it is.

I know every dirty little thought that

goes on in that sick,
demented mind of yours.

It helps me to help you.

Interactive psychotherapy!

Say it!

♫ I want a stray lover
who is gay just for me

♫ I don't compete with others

♫ So you queens just let me be

- Howdy, Sam.

- Twice in one day, huh?

(chuckles) Gonna be worn out.

Go and have a good time.

♫ Straight lover

♫ Hot sex

♫ Lust for me and me alone

♫ The other boys don't get his bone

♫ I let him see straight kinky porn

♫ Then he lets me eat his corn

♫ I'm the (mumbles) lust and joy

♫ Eat your heart out

♫ Straight lover

- Hey hey hey hey, can
I ask you something?

- Sure, what?

- Can I talk to you for
a second over there?

- No, I'm okay right here.

What's going on?

- Can I take you out to dinner?

I know this really nice place.

- Thanks, that's very generous

of you, but this is too exciting

here and I don't really wanna leave.

- Are you straight?

- Why do you ask?

- You look so fresh.

- I'm just plain.

Is that okay?

- Yeah, I'm just not used
to a guy as attractive

as you paying much attention
to the older crowd.

I'm a little bit shocked.

- I can tell.

What can I say, I love trolls.

I think they're hot.

- Really?

Why?

- They're so pushy.

Being overly shy, I admire that.

I'd like to learn to be like that.

Like this guy, check him out.

- You got me.

- I like the way he
puts himself out there.

It's hot in a disgusting sort of way.

(laughter)

- All right, look, can I give
you my phone number at least?

- Sure.

- You think you'll call?

- Listen, I don't wanna lead
you on or anything, but this

is more of the scene I'm
interested in, you know?

Sleazy quickies.

But thanks just the same.

- You're welcome.

- So ready for round two?

Actually, I'm gonna go get a Coke.

- Let me get it for you.

(rhythmic drumming)

- So sorry.

- But--

Fucking vultures!

Fuck!

Gay life is not for me.

There's gotta be something else.

- What do you have in mind?

- I wanna be the exotic novelty,

the Mata Hari, the femme
fatale of suburbia.

- Go on.

- I want straight guys to find me hot.

(purrs)

- [Marcus] You aim high, my friend.

Jamie, my feeling, in all honesty, is...

Find yourself a nice gay boy or

man and stick to your own kind.

- May I have this dance?

(rhythmic drumming)

(rock music)

(loud moaning)

(alarm rings)

- [Jerry] Good morning, all you party

animals, this is your DJ Jerry Sans.

First thing I want you to do is

take that damn hangover, walk over to

your garbage can, and
junk it where it belongs.

If you can't do that, have a beer.

Something about a taste of the hair.

Hope you all are on your way to

the beach or to some barbecue, whatever,

I'll be your DJ for this Sunday afternoon.

Now that's not necessarily a good

thing if you know what I mean.

Trouble is on the way and
here's the first song.

(cheering)

- Mr. Spatula Man!

- Hola, Jamie!

(laughter)

- Hey!

- Hey gorgeous, mwah.

- Mmmm, me hungry, honey.

- Is that a warning, you horndog?

- You betcha.

You animal you, it's been a while, huh?

- Hey, need a hand?

Let me know, I am a gourmet cook.

- Don't tell me it's true.

- Taste my macho tacos.

- (laughs) Should've brought some

with you there, Wolfgang Puck.

Guys, this is my friend Jamie.

Treat him right and he'll do you good.

- Hi Jamie, I'm Dave.

- And I'm Jack.

How about a hot dog with your beer, bud?

(laughter)

- Look at this motherfucker.

- Yeah.

- How's the garage?

- Garage is good.

Jamie, meet Ray.

He's gonna be working with us at the shop.

- Welcome aboard.

- Hi, I'm Ray Milano,
nice meeting you, man.

- Yeah.

- Ran into him the other day, he said

he needed a job, so here he is.

- Good choice.

- Thanks man, I'm sure
we'll be good friends.

Us grease monkeys gotta stick together.

- I hope so.
(laughter)

Hey, more beautiful people!

- Made a salad and party favors.

- Love it, love it.

- Jamie and Ray, you got Tom and Jeanette.

- How it's going guys?

- Hey, good to see you.

How you doing?

- Hi, nice...

- Sorry, we'll try again, there we go.

- [Tom] Nice to meet you.

(laughter)

- [Jeanette] Where are we
supposed to put our stuff down?

- [Chuck] Right over here.

- [Jeanette] Thank you.

(ethereal music)

- [Tina] You're on vacation, sexy, so just

relax and enjoy the
scenery, you macho taco.

(laughter)

- [Chuck] There you go.

♫ Sometimes I dream alone

♫ In a world that's not all too real

♫ True love, men with wives and vibes

♫ Words can't tell how I feel

♫ I'm lying in a sunny pool

♫ Grooving on a beer

♫ Imagining another life

♫ Wishing you were here

♫ I know just what I want

♫ I love to touch and play

♫ That bitch is getting jealous, dear

♫ There will be hell to pay

♫ Through the rainbow clouds I fly

♫ From decades long gone by

♫ Like an old time Quaalude buzz

♫ Euphoric in the sky

♫ Sometime on a sunny day in 2006

♫ I felt a thrill so strange and new

♫ Full of heartaches, pain, and blue

♫ But when it gets under my skin

♫ I think of just one thing

♫ In your face sure feels a need

♫ No holding back indeed

♫ I have some problem,
so what, my shrink said

♫ In a certain smile

♫ People get a little weird

♫ Unable to (mumbles)

♫ Along the way and don't go far

♫ Just ask yourself one thing

♫ Are you afraid someone will find out

♫ Who you really are

- Faggot.

(laughter)

(rhythmic drumming)

(gentle acoustic guitar music)

- [Jamie] Great pool party.

- Wife and me was glad you could make it.

- I had a blast.

- Jamie Jamie Jamie, you sure
were a hit with our friends.

- It was fun.

- Should've stuck around
for the midnight special.

- Midnight special?

♫ Oh the midnight special

(chuckles)

Sheila and me was in the
center of a hot orgy.

- How many?

- Nine ways.

- (whistles) Yikes.

- Could've used the extra warm
body to make it an even 10.

- Sounds dangerous.

- (laughs) Good times, baby, good times.

(laughter)

You know what I think?

- What?

- I think you're blushing.

- (laughs) No, no, not really.

I was very comfortable,
I wish I could've stayed.

- What stopped you?

- Let me think.

Vinny!

When you get a chance, those
two cars need an oil change.

- You got it.

- Okay.

- Hey Ray!
- Morning.

- Ray, Jamie and I was just talking

about Sunday, good times, eh?

- Oh second that.

Hey, you were that guy
in the lounge chair.

- I confess.
(laughter)

- We gotta get out of here and
work or do something, right?

- Hey, I'm gonna take my
lunch to the park today.

- Don't do anything I wouldn't do.

- Jamie, you are a homosexual.

You've always been a homosexual,

and you will die a homosexual.

You can't help but be who you are, Jamie.

That's life 101.

Get it through your head.

- How was the truck stop?

I saw your old jalopy by the one in Elton.

- Did you?

Yeah, I was right in the middle

of something when the cops bust in.

It was not a pretty picture.

- [Jamie] Hope you got your teeth

back from the highway patrol.

- Don't make fun of her
gumjobs, it's her life.

(jazzy melody)

- [Ray] Jamie!

- Yeah?

- [Ray] I need you out here!

- I was watching a nostalgic
70s TV program, this guy

is running across the
baseball field buck naked.

(laughs) Crazy.

- [Jerry] Hey, Jerry Sans here.

If you are going out tonight,
stop by The Cell Block

and say hi to Troy, the hottie bartender.

- [Jamie] Tell me, Troy.

- What's up?

- You know that creep Hal?

- Hal Stevens, yeah.

Why?

- Coming in tonight?

- He's probably on his way.

- Good.

- [Wilma] That's it?

- That's all she said.

Thanks for the good times, goodbye.

- Just shows you men aren't the only dogs.

- Cheers.

- I have got to find me a
straight woman from the suburbs.

The hell with you city dikes.

- Evening, Dracula.

(hisses)

- Keep your fangs in, dear.

It's much more attractive.

- You know, penis envy
can lead to suicide.

(country rock music)

- Hey, could I have a beer?

- Yeah, no problem.

- Howdy.

- Here you go, sexy.

That one's on me.

- Thank you.

- You're welcome.

- What you been up to lately?

- I found this new bookstore on Ashland

with the most unbelievable trolls.

Really hot, I had the best time.

- Don't tell me.

I get jealous easily.

- All right, I won't.

What's up with you, what's new?

- Same old.

Hey, I got an idea.

(chuckles) Let me take you to the back.

- I don't know.

- Come on, I'll give you the

grand ol' tour, and no obligations.

- Really?

- I got some passes.

- All right, that sounds like fun.

- Great, we'll grab some dinner

beforehand and make an evening of it?

- All right.

- Hi, baby.

Long time no fuck.

Come on.

I want some action.

That's right, I want
some of that tight body.

- No, go ahead, have a good
ol' time, I'll be fine, Monty.

- Looks like you lost another
one to the back room, huh?

- We'll see.

(laughing)

(hip hop melody)

- Tina, can I get that
package I gave you earlier?

- Yes, sweetie.

- Wilma, here it is.

Just as we discussed.

- Got it.

This is gonna be hysterical.

- (chuckles) Remember, I put
a lot of energy into this.

Do not fuck it up.

- Don't worry.

- I think we're gonna have
to take a little rain check.

Look, I'm really sorry.

- Gerald.

Benjamin.

Whoa.

Check out that big dick twink over there.

- Looks available too.

- You know what, I'm gonna go size

that up before some of these other

sharks go in and get some of that.

- Howdy, stud.

- Hi.

- You into fucking?

(snickering)

(mumbles)

- We'll talk about this for years to come.

(shushing)

- Shut up and suck it.

(laughter)

Like you said, penis envy
can lead to suicide, dear.

- [Betty] What the fuck?

- Hi boys, good times.

- Jamie, that was the funniest thing.

- (laughs) Thank you.

You know, let's get out of
here before she kills us both.

- No, I'm all right here.

- I mean I was hoping that we would...

- Hoping and wishing.

Don't be disappointed.

Can I get you a drink here?

- Yeah.

Beers?

So you had a girlfriend and
then started experimenting.

- No, quite the opposite, I started

experimenting and then I had a girlfriend.

- She still around?

- She's my fiance.

- Oh.

So you're gonna do the...

Closeted double life thing?

- Nah, it's too dishonest.

My plan was this.

A walk on the wild side
for a few months before

the final hitch, then
once I become a husband,

change gears, and all this will become...

Nothing but a distant memory.

- Does she know?

- No.

- What's her name?

- You really wanna know?

- Yeah.

- Jamie.

- Shut up.

- I swear to God.

- Woo hoo hoo!

(techno music)

(laughter)

- Must be good, care to share?

- Yeah, some publisher is printing a

calendar of the 12 most built

car mechanics in the Chicago area.

They're choosing the
best ones, one per shop.

What do you think, Jamie?

- Do it, Chuck!

- You are too ugly, I will
be their personal choice.

- [Jamie] Uh-oh.

Let's see what you got.

- What do you think of this, Professor?

- I don't know.

All right, Chuck you do it again.

Ray, go to the background.

Chill for a second, man.

(hip hop synthesizer melody)

Is this a regular calendar,
or is this a nude calendar?

(western harmonica sting)

- Who do you have to fuck
around here to get any service?

(laughter)

- Woo!

(rock guitar music)

♫ In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida baby

♫ Don't you know that I love you

- Rock on, bitches!

- Poppers, (mumbles)?

- Only if you eat me first.

- Welcome to the house of horrors.

- Ah.

♫ Welcome to the house of horrors

♫ Quasimoda is my name

♫ Scream, hide, run inside

♫ Years ago, I was a hottie

♫ Now I play a different game

♫ They call me

- I still remember when
they opened this place.

♫ A troll

- I made the very first peep hole.

♫ Talking about a hot troll

- And (mumbles) that big.

♫ Hot troll dig deep

♫ They told every single
time he played bingo

- I was curious to take a
look, just a little glance.

♫ The cute boys, they all like my jokes

- You can't blame me,
I wanted to see more.

♫ Jealous ones just call the cops

- Are you a cop?

- No.

You?

♫ Competition gets me down

♫ I had my day in this old town

- So you made the hole bigger?

- Yeah, I came in that
day with some tools.

I used to be a carpenter
you know, so it was easy.

♫ A troll's lament

♫ It's not your fault

♫ Just let me vent

♫ Sometimes I get so sad and blue

♫ I think of all the years that flew

♫ And all the hurt and
pain and love I never knew

♫ It's not so bad after a while

♫ It only hurts bad when you smile

♫ My memory's so precious few

♫ Of all the married men I blew

♫ Hot troll

- Yeah, one day when the hole was

big enough, a gas station attendant

came from across the street on his

lunch break and stuck
his dick into my booth.

- And he still resides in your pantheon.

Five best drinks ever.

- Oh yes, I think about it

every day when I'm playing with myself.

I just relive it.

First came the head.

Like a Roman helmet, that's my fav.

Then the shaft followed all
wide and thick and hard.

Come to think of it, I probably

invented the very first glory hole.

- You should've registered it as a patent.

(laughter)

- Touche.

- That was my other mistake.

I could've had the rights to all

the glory holes over the country.

I would've collected royalties
every time one was used.

- You would've been a millionaire.

- Dream on, baby, dream on.

- [Quasimoda] Coulda woulda shoulda!

- I gotta go study.

- It didn't happen!

- Hey boss, got anything for the head?

- Aspirins.

- Attention everyone, this is the police!

(screaming)

You're all under arrest!

- Shit!

- [Cop] Nobody moves, nobody gets hurt.

- I need to see the lighting director.

- It's not a movie, sister.

- Oh God, what am I going to do?

- Kuja, make a break for it,
the fire escape, come on!

(fire alarm ringing)

- Freeze!

Don't you move or you'll be slapped with

resisting arrest for trying to escape!

- Well I guess we're in
it together this time.

- Is everyone on board?

- Let's make sure all the
cockroaches are checked in.

- Cockroach Motel, you can
check in anytime you like.

♫ But you may never leave

(alarm ringing)

- Hey Officer!

Come here for a second.

Did you see the movie The
Good, Bad, and the Ugly?

That is my favorite movie.

Eli Wallach, he was awesome.

- When is that bail bondsman coming?

- No one gives a shit about you two.

- (Mexican accent) El Capitano!

I am a poor peasant with two

goats and a small piece of land!

I did not mean to speak
against the revolution!

- Shut up before I put you in

an isolation tank, you crazy fruit.

(Spanish guitar music)

- Don't worry, baby.

(coughs)

It'll be over before you know it.

- I wasn't built for this kind of cargo.

Let's get out of here
before this gets messy.

- You getting travel fever?

- Maybe.

What's that?

- Two tickets to Rio de Janeiro.

I saved all the drugs we ripped off

so we'll have enough to live on.

- That money won't last forever.

'Till you start singing at the Copacabana.

- The Copacabana?

- Booked you for three months.

It's already sold out.

- Sold out?

- Standing room only.

- I can't sing.

- You'll sing like a bird!

(dramatic sting)

You know phone numbers,
you know addresses,

you know drug dealers,
give me some drug dealers.

- I don't know anything.

- You think this is some
kind of fucking game!

(dramatic sting)

Lunch!

Bon appetite.

- A lovely sandwich.

- Don't knock it, baby.

Where's the toilet paper?

Thank God.

Peanut butter sandwich?
- Yikes.

That's horrible.

- Come on, you gotta laugh at it.

- It's not funny.

- Look, let's make the best of a bad

situation Jamie, I don't
like it either, mmmk?

- Okay.

- Now they'll probably be closing the

bookstore, what are you gonna do for fun?

- I don't know.

I'll have to think about it.

I don't really like the bars.

- Me neither.

Funny, I came from a small town

and there was nothing to do and I end up

in a big city with less
than nothing to do.

There must be some kind
of lesson in there.

- Friends?

- Sure, friends.

- I need a partner in crime.

- A friend.

- I've always wanted someone who I could

do things with and dream
with and share goals.

- God knows I've dreamed my life away.

- Me too.

I think it's good to get out of

the bookstore scene for a while.

I'm glad the bookstore's closing.

- Yeah, me too.

As an alternative, what do you
think about square dancing?

- (laughs) No!

Too cowboy.

Can you really see the
two of us square dancing?

- All right, you clowns.

Turns out somebody actually
gives a shit about you.

Time to go.

- Chuck!

How did you know I was here?

- I have my ways.

- Guess what, your big pal
got busted in a fag bookstore.

- Who's your friend man?

- Oh this is Hal, he's
considering a sex change.

- Oh don't do it, just be yourself.

- I was in the strip joint
next door, I was leaving.

- Let me take you home, gang.

- Aw man!

- Right, well--

- Oh, okay.

(laughter)

Freedom!

- Hey guys.

A daytime sighting, how unusual.

- Busy night ahead.

Hey Betty, hello Wilma.

What are you girls up to tonight?

- It's dike night at the The Baths.

We're all in a tither about it.

(laughs)

- You girls do The Baths?

- Yeah, we do steam rooms,
glory holes, all that stuff.

Why, you think you got
a patent on that shit?

- All right, way to go girls!

You're gonna have to tell us all about it.

- Oh we will, but it'll
have to wait 'till Monday.

Wilma here's quite a hit,
she'll keep us busy all night.

- She must be hung like a doughnut.

- Fuck you, your dick don't
make you special, boy.

(laughter)

- [Hal] Nice seeing you too.

- Gotta run, we'll see you boys later.

- See ya.

(gentle piano music)

- Now this is living.

- And I don't wanna get busted again.

Whatever we do, it's gotta be legal.

- What did you have in mind?

- This is what I had in mind.

Betty and Wilma, they could--

- The dikes?

- Yeah.

We take them to the suburbs
with us and pose as our wives.

- Why?

- So we can blend in
with the married couples.

That way we can work the
straight guys from within.

- Why do you want them to
pretend to be straight?

- Have you seen these guys?

I talk to them all day long.

They would never have
sex with an out and out

gay guy, but with another married guy,

like themselves, that is another story.

It's like a closed set.

It's like a club I wanna belong to.

Don't you wanna join?

- Are you nuts?

Got any other ideas?

- Let's go for a walk.

Whatever we do, if I invest money

in a changing lifestyle, you have

to bring something to the table too.

- [Hal] I'll try to make the
adjustment, that's plenty.

- [Jamie] How do I know I can trust you?

- [Hal] You tell me.

- [Jamie] We sign a handshake contract.

Whatever we conquer, we share.

And we don't lie to each other.

Deal?

- [Hal] Okay.

As long as it's a realistic plan though.

Like making ourselves more popular

at the gay bars or something.

I even know that Miss Galena who gives

lessons in how to be a star in gay life.

- Miss Galena?

- The most important thing to

learn is how to make an entrance.

When you enter a room, you
must create an impression.

If not, all will be lost.

- Show us how.

(ethereal dance music)

- Wow, that was impressive.

- Thank you, I had years of practice.

- What's next?

- The outfits.

- What about the outfits?

- You must be noticed upon arrival.

As Phyllis Diller once
said, if you cannot be

chief of staff, then at
least make them laugh.

(laughs)

- Explain.

- Now the idea is to inject
a little eccentricity.

Draw attention to yourself.

Especially when you're
going up the staircase,

or coming down, just
don't walk the stairs.

You fuck them.

(techno music)

- Everybody's staring at us!

(laughs)

♫ Run, now baby, run

♫ Run to the sun and fly

♫ Up high

♫ Run, dark lady, tell me how

- Draw attention to yourself.

♫ Like a fool in love

- Act lewd.

(laughs)

♫ (mumbles) up and down,
I'm gonna be a star

♫ Boogie in my dancing
shoes will take me very far

♫ Men are looking,
noticing my aura and appeal

♫ Here comes Johnny Cannon
so let's all now make a deal

♫ It's looking good, the night
is young and cooking gasoline

♫ Hot (mumbles) run, run

♫ Don't run from me

♫ Don't break my heart

♫ All I ask is to please

♫ Let me be in love with you

♫ Scare the one scene party
boys looking for a mouth to feed

♫ Regis said one lifeline
left before we hit the skids

♫ Cha cha queens and shaken hearts

♫ Are looking for a guy to hold

♫ All I want is to have fun

♫ A fleeting moment in the sun

♫ Run, run

♫ Don't run from me

♫ Don't break my heart tonight

♫ Set me free

- Here we are.

You and me again.

Just the two of us.

- I don't mind.

- Let's meet tomorrow to
make a plan of attack.

- Sounds good.

You got something in mind?

- Now remember this, it helps

to throw a little money around.

Being broke will not make

you popular, so tip, tip, tip.

Straight men love massage.

When they get touched by manly

hands it's a big turn-on to them.

And use expensive lotion.

- 25 bucks a bottle.

- One that gets under the skin.

- It's okay, I'm okay.

These beers are going right through me.

Where's your bathroom?

- Dear God.

- What the fuck?

What up?

(screaming)

- Let's face it Jamie, the
gay boys will never want us.

They're too smart to buy our bullshit.

However, the straight ones,
that's a different story.

They're not as fussy.

All they care about is what feels good.

- What are you talking about?

- Let's do drag as our next gimmick, baby.

- You're not gonna start that again.

Why would they want us?

They want women.

- And that's what they'll get.

Or at least that's what they
think they'll be getting.

This is as close as I'm
coming to your idea.

- There's this sexual organ, Hal.

It's called the vagina.

It's a little hole that straight

men like to put their dick into.

We don't have one.

- Oh?

And what's this?

- That's a different hole, Hal.

I'm talking about the one
with hair all over it.

- I'll grow a Fu Manchu mustache.

- I'll call the paramedics.

- Wait a minute, you can trust me on this.

I know an old troll friend who
put on high heels and a wig.

You wouldn't believe
the tricks he's getting.

Look, let's go to my place.

Miss Galena will loan me a few wigs.

- Come on, you gotta be shitting me.

The guys who are into drag queens are

just as gay as the boys in the disco.

- This is the best idea we've had so far.

It's a combination of my idea

and your straight guy obsession.

There's a whole wonderful
wide world out there.

A twilight zone of the sexual fringe.

That's where we belong.

- A twilight zone of gay life.

- Isn't it?

We'll call this Operation Dick Snatch.

- Oh my God, yes!

Yes, oh my God!

We'll have them all, we'll have rude

delivery men and gas station attendants!

- Meat packers and bartenders.

- What if we get excited?

What if my crankshaft
sticks out like a pole?

- Tell them it was a prosthetic
from your hernia operation.

Those boys are stupid.

They'll go for that.

- Well let's go!

- Let's go!

♫ My baby does the hanky panky

♫ My baby does the hanky panky

♫ My baby does the hanky panky

♫ My baby does the hanky panky

♫ My baby does the hanky panky

- Oh my God.

Look at that.

(sultry R&B music)

- Good evening, ladies.

- Hello.

- Are you here for gas?

- No, we're here for a hysterectomy.

Fill 'er up.

Act like a lady.

- [Jamie] Right.

- Act like a lady.

- Oh my gosh.

(mumbles).

- He put it in.

He put it in.

- [Jamie] Didn't even use a condom.

- He didn't, I noticed that.

- Anything else?

- [Hal] Could you check the oil please?

♫ Hard sex

♫ The other boys don't get his bone

♫ But he lets me eat his corn

♫ Straight lover

- [Hal] Those (mumbles) they can get

violated in the flick of a wrist.

- Oh yes.

Oh shit, oh shit, what is he doing?

What is he doing?

- Oh, oh, oh my God.

- That's all you get tonight, ladies.

Have a good night.

- Oh my God.

I have never in my whole life wanted

real breasts more than I do right now.

- [Hal] All in due time.

- It's just happiness in my world.

- Look at all them hot
escorts in (mumbles).

- Driving.

- I heard there was a drag
queen contest tonight.

- Where?

- Rosco's.

- [Jamie] Did you finally get
that amateur DVD in the mail?

What's it called?

- Urchins of Doom.

(laughter)

- Bring it down, we'll
watch it at my place.

- [Hal] Why don't you come up?

We'll watch it in mine.

You've never been up there, you know?

- Okay.

Why do you have to live in such a dump?

Do you have any hot chocolate?

- [Hal] No, I'm out.

Play the DVD.

(Spanish acoustic guitar music)

- (laughs) Nachos Grande?

Whatever happened to him?

I thought he retired.

- Are you the man they call Nachos Grande?

- All the way to the melted cheese, baby.

(laughter)

You want some?

- You bet.

Sure do look mighty tasty, Mr. Grande.

- Well they don't call me
Nachos Grande for nothing.

Show me your tool.

Legend has it to be a monster of Japan.

- [Porn Actor] They don't
call me 9/11 for nothing.

- You betcha.

- Jamie, I really wanna go to

that drag queen contest tonight.

Just for fun.

I think it'll give me a lift.

After all, we haven't
been very successful yet.

- [Jamie] Come on Hal, let's just watch

the movie like the good
friends we are, huh?

- You mean like the two old trolls we are.

- Oh yeah.

Oh yeah.

(moans) Yeah.

- What are you doing?

- Breaking all the barriers.

Let's get it on, baby.

Queen to queen.

Bitch to bitch.

Stud to stud.

Motherfucker to motherfucker!

(laughter)

- (laughs) Stop!

- Jamie, please let me go
to the drag queen contest.

If I win, I might find a hot man

who will notice me and
squeeze my tits too.

- (sighs) All right.

All right, but if he does, you call me.

Friends share.

- Of course.

I'll drive you home, come on.

- You know what, it's
okay, I'll watch the movie.

It's already midnight and
shouldn't be too late.

If it's okay.

- Well...

Okay, I'll be back soon.

- Okay.

- [Nachos] Oh yeah.

("La Cucaracha" song)

- Hey lady, what can I do for you?

(snoring)

- Hello?

Roscoe's?

Yeah, I was just curious what time

does your drag queen contest end tonight?

What?

You're closed?

There's no contest?

Thank you.

(snoring)

Where were you?

- You better go.

It's getting late.

It was all a bust anyway.

- Oh, you didn't win?

- No.

There were better ones.

- Oh Hal, you're being modest.

Bet you got first place.

- You better go.

- Drag queen contest at Roscoe's?

I called.

There was none.

- I'm sorry.

I really needed to do this.

- I trusted you.

You lied to me!

We had a pact, a deal.

- And we still do, Jamie.

I just couldn't get
this guy out of my mind.

I'm sorry.

I should have told you the truth.

- [Jamie] Yes you should've, pal.

- Will you please forgive me?

- I'm afraid not.

Let's get one thing straight.

- What?

- Just because I'm a glory hole queen

doesn't mean I don't have any principles.

- Okay.

- Nice knowing you, Hal.

(western harmonica music)

I'll tell you something.

Gay people are not to be trusted.

They'd sell their own mother
out for a cheap trick.

- I'm so glad they reopened this place.

- Sam got a good lawyer, know him

from a Union Station
toilet, huge cock dick.

- Did you have it?

- Unfortunately not.

Sam was never the same after (mumbles).

♫ I wrote a letter to daddy

- Hey Jamie, how have you been?

- I'm through.

- What's wrong?

- My life's over, that's what's wrong.

I'm a real misfit.

- Well I'll tell you
what, you have a minute?

I wanna take you someplace.

- Where?

- Do you like pinball?

- I love pinball.

- All right, let's go.

- [Jamie] Really?

- [Monty] Yeah, come on.

- [Automated Voice] Your shoe is untied.

- Hey, focus.

- [Automated Terminator Voice] I'm not

programmed to follow your orders.

- [Jamie] Focus on what, my fuck-ups?

- No, the ball.

- Okay, I see it.

What's with the backpack?

- I'm going back home to Boston.

Summer's almost over and I'm gonna

miss all you guys, especially you, Jamie.

Do you wanna go sit down and talk?

Are you all right?

- Can't say that I am.

Everyone screams liberation,
gay rights, gay marriage.

Where's my liberation?

Where's my group?

Do I have to wait for another
500 years for it to form?

I wanna be adored for the exact quality

I'm rejected for in all the gay bars.

The women love me because they wanna be

like me, and the men
treat me like a novelty,

something unique that
enriches their lives.

My husband comes home every day

and I have dinner waiting for him.

When he sees me, he can't hold

himself back, so he attacks me

with a spatula in my hand as I'm

flipping the chicken-fried steak.

This would be totally acceptable to me.

I could live like that
for years and years.

It's so much more interesting than ending

up as some gossipy queen who thinks

Lily Tomlin snorts are funny.

(snorts)

(laughter)

- Come on, we have some
more pinball to play.

- [Jamie] Yes, master.

- Now seriously, let
me show you something.

- [Automated Terminator Voice] Come with

me if you want to live.

- See?

Schwarzenegger knows.

- I'm no Schwarzenegger.

- Thank God.

(laughter)

Now seriously, let me show you something.

If you wanna get what you
want, focus on the ball.

- [Automated Terminator
Voice] Rocket blitz.

- See, Jamie, you are the
ball, you're the game.

Now look at the mirror.

That is who you should be.

The person playing the game, not the game.

You get it?

- Yeah.

I think so.

- Cause...

- [Automated Terminator Voice] One to go.

- And effect.

Come on, try it.

- Cause...

- [Monty] There you go.

- Effect.

- See, now you're in control of the game.

All right, I gave you the
tools, now you do the work.

My train for Boston's waiting for me.

And the other Jamie's waiting for me too.

(gentle piano music)

- [Ray] Jamie, I need you out here!

- Yeah, okay, coming.

- Brakes 100.

Struts 250.

- Okay.

- Wheel cylinders 350.

Fuck.

- Great, wow.

- Hey, you getting those
figures right there, Jamie?

- I think so.

- I'll tell you what, you're a

pretty honest bookkeeper,
that's why I let you

sign the checks, but don't
let it get to your head.

- I'll do my best.

- So you sign the checks?

- Yeah, occupational liability.

- I've got extra tickets to The Cubs.

Buddy of mine can't come.

You wanna go, it's on me.

- Are you sure?

- Sure I'm sure.

We'll do a couple of
beers, raise some hell,

and then you can tell me
all your hidden stuff.

- I can?

- (chuckles) Well maybe not all of them.

- Yeah.

- Tomorrow?

6 o'clock?

I'll pick you up.

- All right.

Let's get to it.

(triumphant orchestral music)

- What?

You gotta be kidding me.

(laughter)

(casual conversing)

Woo hoo hoo!

(casual conversing)
(easy listening music)

(laughter)

- I'll (mumbles).

- Yeah, go ahead.

- I pissed like a racehorse.

- Oh man.

Tell you what, if you were a racehorse,

I'd be a jockey, we'd win every round.

- No shit.

(laughter)

- You want another one?

- You know, how about after this we go to

The Admiral and check out
the lap dancers there.

I hear the chicks there are
supposed to be sexy as all hell.

- (mumbles).

Come and get it!

Come on.

(laughs)

I think she wants to take you home.

- No, she's on you.

- Fuck you.

Fire in the hole.

- Fire in the hole.

- I'm horny.

- Yeah, me too, those chicks were hot.

- What do you wanna do now?

- I got a six pack at home.

- You got any porn?

Tits, pussy.

- I got tits and pussy.

Got some beer, we can talk trash.

- You ain't gay are you?

- Nah man, no worries.

- Good.

Let's go and do it.

(car revs)

(laughter)

- Why am I laughing, I don't know why.

You wanna play the DVD?

- Yeah, yeah.

Action.

- Here we go.

(moaning)

Go ahead, I don't care.

(coughing)

You just made me a fucking queer, man.

I fucking hate you for it.

- So Jamie, how's your
real estate venture going?

We gonna be neighbors soon?

- Sooner than you think.

- We'll take good care of you, my friend.

Hey Ray, got any jokes to
spike up a fucked morning?

- Not today, boss.

- How are you?

- Nothing special.

- I'll be in the garage
if you guys need me.

- We gotta get Jamie a little chick to

play around with, otherwise people

might start to think you know what!

(laughs)

- Nah, not our Jamie.

- Right.

- Hey Ray, give the guy a break.

He's gonna be a future neighbor of ours.

- What?

- You heard me.

- Jamie Flowers here?

- That's me.

- I need a check for two hubcaps
and a bunch of spark plugs.

- One second.

You know what, follow me.

Alrighty.

- I forgot my monkey wrench here.

- Alrighty.

Here you go.

- Thanks a lot, see you next month.

- All right.

Did you find it?

- [Ray] Not yet.

- Okay, look, when you're
done can you lock up please?

- [Ray] Will do.

Will do.

- See you on the weekend, Chuck.

I can use a break.

- Psh, them fags get worse by the minute.

- Damn it Ray, nobody be
asking you to watch it.

Change the channel if you got to.

(suspense music)

- Thanks.

(phone rings)

Hello?

- Oh hey, how are you?

- Oh, it's you.

- Well don't sound so excited.

God, you are impossible.

- I'll take these three items.

And the five DVDs.

- Gerald, I'm freaking out.

- Does your mother know you're here?

Let me see your ID.

- Get this, I just had the biggest

fattest dick of this incredible type.

Mid-thirties, a little
greasy like a mechanic.

Oh God, a bit beefy, but built.

- Oh shit, I left it at home.

The check is good (mumbles).

- I'm coming back in a few minutes,

I need to feed the meter.

- Okay.

- Is it okay?

Mine's in the meter too.

- Here, take the receipt.

- You're gonna have this guy here?

You know who the fuck this is?

- Hey, chill out man.

- No, I'm not chilling out.

You know who this is?

He's a homosexual, that's what he is.

Do any of you have any
idea what a glory hole is?

Ask yourselves, do you want
our children exposed to this?

Next thing you know we're gonna have a

whole bunch of pedophiles running

around here and ending (mumbles).

- [Pool Woman] That's an outage.

- You want them to live around here?

No way.

What am I gonna tell my little children

when they see these fucking little

queens prancing up and down the sidewalk?

(mumbles) makeup and heels?

Before you know it, we'll have a whole

bunch of sissies standing
around holding hands.

- Come on Ray, you're
not being reasonable.

Have a heart man, love thy neighbor.

- I want him registered with

the police if he ever lives here.

- You're the one with the
problem man, leave him alone.

- Hey don't worry, Ray.

Look, I'll leave so you can raise

your children all rosy and peachy.

Hopefully they won't be cursed with

the same sentiments that you have.

Thank you all for your support.

- Jamie, come back!

We don't care about that shit around here!

- Fuck off!

- You, you're the asshole!

- Wait and see who the asshole is!

- Hey Jamie, can you come
over here for a moment please?

- Yeah, what's going on?

- Are you familiar with a
place called Gay Treasures?

There's your signature.

- Yeah, I mean I go there
from time to time, but I

would not use, I did not
write a check to that store.

- I didn't think so myself, so I went

down and talked to the guy at the

counter and he claims he knows you.

- I mean yeah, I go there from

time to time, but I'm tell you I

don't use company money for anything I do.

- Jamie, I treated you like a brother.

Go fuck over somebody else.

I can't trust you anymore.

Ray, fill in for this guy.

- Chuck, listen to me.

- Yes sir.

- 'Till we get somebody else.

- Good luck, Jamie!

One final word, stick to your own kind.

- Hey.

- All right, I gave you the
tools, now you do the work.

- [Automated Terminator
Voice] You're an idiot.

- 'Cause...

- And effect.

Sam, I need a favor.

Can you trace this check?

(phone rings)

- Yes, hello?

- Chuck, hi.

This is Hal.

You remember me, I'm a friend of Jamie's.

- [Chuck] I don't wanna talk to you.

- No, listen.

Jamie's in a lot of trouble.

It's because of one of your workers, Ray.

- That's the guy.

I never forget a face, all right?

He's the one who wrote me the bad check.

- (laughs) Come on.

It was a joke, man.

I mean the dildo, the faggot stuff?

This is funny!

(laughs)

Come on, man.

I helped you out with a bust.

I didn't even get a thank you.

We can work it out, Jamie.

Come on.

Come on.

Son of a bitch!

- Now I'm the lowdown cocksucker

who just beat the shit out of you!

What does that make you, Ray?

- Enough!

Ray, you'll go to jail for this shit.

Take your shit and get outta here,

we never wanna see you again!

- Fuck you, Chuck.

- No, fuck you.

- You're gonna believe a faggot
over an old school buddy?

- Yeah.

- He's a cocksucker, they always lie.

- No, I don't.

(gentle piano music)

- I thought you were straight.

- Nobody's perfect.

- Good luck.

- Thanks.

- Monsieur.

- Why don't I drive.

- [Chuck] Welcome to paradise, Jamie.

- How you ladies doing?

- Everything worked out so perfectly.

- Yeah.

Best of both worlds, just keep (mumbles).

- [Jerry] This is Jerry Sans from WGAY

signing off for this afternoon.

See you all next week.

Whatever you do, just don't get married.

♫ I want a straight lover
who is gay just for me

♫ I want a straight lover
who is gay just for me

♫ I don't compete with others

♫ So you queens just let me be

♫ When he comes home at 5

♫ I wait with dinner by the door

♫ He waves and jogs the distance

♫ Every day I want him more

♫ Straight lover

♫ Hot sex

♫ Lust for me and me alone

♫ The other boys don't get his bone

♫ I let him see straight kinky porn

♫ Then he lets me eat his corn

♫ I'm (mumbles) with lust and joy

♫ I lick my chops and pet his toy

♫ He's the man who craves the chase

♫ It's all about the time and place

♫ (mumbles) and tasty and so sweet

♫ Smiles a lot, he's tall and lean

♫ Works like crazy on his core

♫ And loves to chew on fat cigars

♫ When I leave, he has no clue

♫ I have my cake and eat it too

♫ Straight lover

♫ Hot sex

♫ No one knows what's coming next