Get Duked! (2019) - full transcript

An anarchic, hip-hop inspired comedy that follows four city boys on a wilderness trek as they try to escape a mysterious huntsman.

The Duke of Edinburgh Award.

An outdoor adventure challenge
set up in 1956

to take young delinquents out of
the city and into the countryside.

Established by the Queen's husband,
the Duke of Edinburgh,

it centers on four days'
camping in the great outdoors,

away from the perils
and distractions of urban life.

By completing tasks
such as teamwork,

foraging and orienteering,

you will receive not only
a laminated certificate

but also the sense of pride
that you are part

of the promising youth
of tomorrow.

It's quite the challenge.

Four days on your own.

No phones.

Just your wits and nature.

I'm Mr. Carlyle,

your new substitute
outdoor education teacher.

I'll be leading the award
this year.

I promise you it'll be
a life-changing experience.

I'm so glad your headmaster
volunteered the three of you.

Right, get your bags.

Oh, my God.

Ah, smell that air.

It smells of cow shit.

Welcome. Lose yourself
in the beats of DJ Beatroot!

Oy, yo, DJ Beatroot's PR
campaign is kicking off nicely.

This is, like, literally grassroot
marketing, untapped territory.

Right, guys? Guys?

DJ, shut up a sec.

Who are you?

Ian. Hello.

Where'd you come from?

I got on just after you.

I said hello.

Quite a few times,

What'd you do
to get volunteered?

I really wanted to do
the Duke of Edinburgh Award,

but I didn't have
a group, so...

Why didn't you just do it
with your friends?

Right. You three,
stop hanging around.

Line up, boys.

Expedition start.

One, two, three,
four bodies.

All healthy. Tick.

Okay, Duke of Edinburgh
camping expedition roll call.

- Who have I got?
- Dean Gibson, sir.

- Terribly disruptive.
- Appalling attendance.

Banned from all local parks.

Burned down a school toilet.

Dean Gibson.
Okay, and...

Duncan MacDonald.

- Allowed to run wild.
- Undisciplined.

- Poor standard of hygiene.
- Reckless.
- Harebrained.

Claimed he was trying to
light his sh...

- Okay, and...
- DJ Beatroot.


DJ Beatroot.

Can I have
your real name, please?

- That is my real name.
- No, your original name.

Well, I mean, last week,
I was MC DickFire.


Uh, sir, it's just...
Just that third one down there.

William DeBeauvoir.

- William DeBeauvoir.
- Oh.

- Now introduce yourself
to the class.
- DJ Beatroot.

A very disappointing start
to the year.

Filmed a hip-hop video
in front of

the burning wreckage.

D-DJ Beatroot.

- What did you tell him?
- Told him to go fuck himself.


Right, you've all met Ian.

Dear Mr. Carlyle, Ian is
a sheltered and sensitive boy.

Placing him with like-minded,
good Christian children.

A perfect environment for him
where he can make friends and thrive.

Yours sincerely, Silvia Harris.

If I hear

you're ever anything other
than incredibly nice to him,

- you'll fail the award.
- What?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, sir,
can't do that.

Well, actually,
teamwork is a core element

of the Duke of Edinburgh Award,
so he can.

Sir, come on.

Get your bags.

- Come on, boys.
- Oh, smell that air.

So, you excited
about the expedition?

Aye. I'm gonna blast this.

I'm gonna run the whole way.

No. We didn't have
a choice, mate.

'Cause Duncan
burned down a toilet!

Hey, I was trying
to light a shit.

Exactly, you knob head,
and now we got to do this.

This is punishment? This?

They were gonna expel him,
weren't they, so we all took the blame.

That's very loyal.

I wish they'd just expelled
us. That'd have been amazing.

- Yeah, trust me, man.
- This, though? Ugh.

Oh, best mates ever,
these lads.

Mate, and the fire was
amazing. I wish you'd seen it.

he did make a shit explode.

Well, turns out
they don't really burn,

so I had to use
loads of lighter fluid,

which is kind of how it all...

Think of the stupidest
plan you can, okay?

It's not gonna come close
to Duncan's plan.

Uh, actually,
it worked so well,

it burned the whole
toilet block down,

so, uh,
who's stupid here?

- Uh, you.
- It's definitely still you.

It really is you, mate.

Hurry up, you lot.

Come on, come on.

Okay, boys. I'll meet you at the
Bàs Valley campsite at 6:00 p.m.

You all set?

Just give us
the postcode, sir.

Oh, you can put that away,
you numpty.

There's no reception
in the Highlands.


- He's right.
- Shit.

So, I mean,
do we just go home then?

We can't do this
without a map.

- Ian.
- I was told that my-my group

- would have a planned route.
- Take a breath, Ian.

Okay, this is
the route you'll take.

It's really quite simple.
So, initially,

follow the natural contours of the valley,
towards the cliffs.

This is active farmland, so respect the
County Code and avoid electric fences.

Once you reach
the volcanic plug

by the old oak tree,
watch your step.

Try not to run, as it can be
very unstable around there.

Climbing the hill should bring
you to the valley of the campsite,

where I'll be waiting
with a campfire.

We'll spend the night singing some rousing,
hearty songs.

Though very remote,
there is a road by the camp, so be aware.

We don't want
any car accidents.

Setting off the next morning,
do stick to the path,

as the road has severe drops
on all sides.

Travel through the woods. At all costs,
avoid the ruined villages around here.

Very dangerous
inside those walls,

and there'll be no one to come
to your rescue out there.

Final stretch, you can forage for
lunch before heading to the coast,

where we'll be reunited,
and I'll award you as having passed.

To be honest, the whole thing
is fraught with danger, really,

and I'm amazed they let teenagers do it,
but there you go.

- All clear?
- Huh?

Duke of Edinburgh Award,

- But, sir, no, you can't.
- Sir!

- Come on.
- Good luck.

You'll need it.

Oh, and don't get lost.

Every year,
people go missing round here.


- Ah.
- Oh.

- Oh, right, yeah.
- Okay.

It's north.


Watch out, man!

Okay, boys, let's just get
far enough away from the teacher,

walk around in circles and
cover ourselves in fucking mud.

They'll think
we've done the award.

We'll sit down by a tree,
just chill out.

Hey, yo, guys.

New kid, yo, wait up.

- That'll be mad.
- Oh, shit. That looks good.

- It will be. It'll be fine.
- That could work. That could work.

- Still got a map.
- Yep.

Can make good time,
achieve all the award goals. It'll be fine.

Oh, you've got to be kidding me enough. Yo,

Give us a lift.

Oh, this is shit.
Why'd you want to do it?

It looks good on your CV.

Gives you the extra edge
in a job interview.

Yeah, well, I'm gonna be
a hip-hop star,

so that's
not really relevant.

Oh, yeah, good one.
I-I could be a hip-hop star.

- What? No.
- My parents are pretty keen
for me to go into law,

so it looks good on
the university application.

I could be a lawyer.

What university
will you go for?

I'm gonna work in the factory
with my brother and my dad.

Oh, aye.
6.50 an hour.

Seriously, 6.50 an hour
for just packing fish.

Probably just do that.

my family have a saying. It's, um,

"Work hard at
what you love to do,

and all your dreams
can come true."

Just did a
gig here last week.

- Did you, actually?
- Yeah.

Oh, no, better be better
than the last one.

All this fresh air
is horrible.


Hurts my nose.

Oh, look, over there.

There he fucking is.
DJ, hurry up!

Oh, yeah, you're all right
'cause you got shit shoes.

We found something for you.

What the fuck
are they?

Yeah, put them on instead.

Bub, I am not wearing
fence shoes, man.

It doesn't matter. Look,
you're taking forever. Just put them on.

It's gonna be dark before we
reach the camp at this pace.

- What, we're not close yet?
- We've walked one field.

Well, how many fields
are there?

Oy, you lot.

Imagine someone saw
DJ Beatroot wearing these.

Like, can you imagine?

"Oy, oy, DJ Beatroot.

"Where'd they come from?

"How much do they cost?" Yeah.

Fuck that.

Guys, guys,
it's fashion, innit?

Oh, for fuck's sake.

Yo, guys, hold up.
Yo, hold up.


It didn't blow up,
so it's fine.

Well, the worm's not grounded,
so that proves nothing.

What if someone
pissed on it?

At least it would
conduct electricity.


Or someone
could just touch it.


Wh-Why is it always me?

Let's just all
grab it together.

That's right, Duncan.

Let's put "grab it together"
to a vote.

I'm a strong "maybe, yes."

- Yeah.
- Aye.


I thought we
all voted to grab it together.

No, we voted on whether that's what we
thought we were gonna do, not do it then.

You legend.

That was cool, though, Duncan.

- Classic Duncan plan.
- Nice one, Duncan.

Just forget it.

So, did anyone
bring anything?

Vegetable soup
and then some leek soup.

Oh, and then I've got three
flavors of hot chocolate powder.

It's, like, normal hot chocolate powder,
orange hot chocolate powder,

and then I think raspberry
hot chocolate powder.

- Oh, and actually...
- Nah, you dickhead.

- Like, did anyone
bring anything?
- Lads.

- Lads.
- See, that's what
I'm talking about.

- Oh, Deano, Deano, Deano!
- That's what I'm talking about.

- Yeah.
- - I got it off my brother for 50 quid.

- It's got to be good
if it cost that much.
- You legend, mate.

Here, smell that.

Oh, yeah,
that's the good stuff.

Yeah, right,
youse all owe me for it.

- You, too, Ian.
- Is it for repelling midges?

Mate, it's-it's hash.


Are you insane?

I want everyone to acknowledge
that I've been spiked against my will.


Look, Ian, everyone knows
the Duke of Edinburgh Award

is all about
getting shit-faced.

Duke of Edinburgh Award is about
navigating your way over the countryside

and overcoming obstacles
as a group.

Yeah, while super high.

If there wasn't such an emphasis on
teamwork, I'd bail out on you right now.

Oh, no. Come on, Ian.
We're happy you're here.

- Yeah.
- We're a group.

- Ian! Ian!
- We're a team. We're a fucking gang.

Ian! Ian! Ian! Ian!

Are you sure that's
not just a lump of tar?

Yeah. Tar hash.

More like tar...
from a road.

One for you,

one there,
and one for you.

- Man, I'm not gonna lie...
- Here.

Take some stickers
and spread the word, yeah?

- It's gonna be banging.
- PR department of DJ Beatroot.

That's a lovely name.


DJ Beatroot.

You can probably tell from my accent
I actually went to America last year.

DJ Beatroot did
a little tour out there.

Wasn't that when your
family went to Disneyland?

Shut up.

I mean, it was the same trip.
I just, you know...

- These hills all look the same.
- I wouldn't worry about it.

- You can't get lost
in the countryside anyway.
- Yeah, you can.

- Uh, but there's
no corners here.
- What?

How can you get lost in a
place where there's no corners?

You're such a twat,

You utter fanny, mate.

N-No walls means everything
is always straight on,

so just chill out.

See, to be fair,

Duncan is right
about that, Ian.

You've just
got to relax.

What did you roll
that with?

I used the corner of the map.

The corner of the...
Are you insane?

But relax, Ian.

It's just the corner.
We're never going there.

All the stuff Mr. Carlyle
pointed at was in the middle.

- Yeah. I'm not stupid.
- Exactly.


What, what? What, what? What?

Come on, then! Yeah!

DJ Beatroot! Raw fire!

DJ Beatroot on the mic! Yeah!

Come on, then. Who wants some?

Come and get it!
Who wants some?

Oh, mad lads.

Ian's going mental.

Dean, beatbox solo.

- Duncan. Duncan.
- Dean, beatbox, beatbox.

- Not now. Duncan, I'll...
- Beatbox, Dean.

- Dean, beatbox. Beatbox.
- Duncan. Duncan.

Ian. Ian.

Come look at
this sick video, man.

- Three.
- Come look at the video.

DJ Beatroot!

Four. Hmm.

Good night, Highlands.

Get home safe, yeah?


Excuse me.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Could you tell me
what field we're in, please?


Right. Can you tell me
which one that is, please?

Have you got a map?

Uh, no, we did have...

We did have one, but...

I know we need to be
going north.

Be careful, boys.

You don't want to get lost
in the Highlands.

Och, it's not safe
anymore, you know.

In the old days,
it was better.

You see,
people died so young,

there was no time
for anything bad to happen.

Now there's danger

This whole area

full of rotten trapdoors
and smugglers' tunnels.

Very easy to fall into.

Or to be dragged into, hmm?

Hey! You wee shit.

Nothing to do with me, sir.

Big Country Code fan here.


Take one of these.

Dopest beats
this side of Kilmarnock.

Spread the word with
the other farmers, yeah?

- Whoa. Beetroot.
- DJ Beatroot.

Aye, I've farmed it.
It's a lovely crop.

No. No,
as-as in B-E-A-T.

Root of the beat.

Proper clever, right?

DJ Beatroot...!

Oh, just forget it, man.

Ugh, I shouldn't have
asked him anyway, man...

Come on, DJ! I've puked,
and I feel brand-new again!

Right, then. So,
how are we gonna find the campsite?

Look, you're the one
that got us lost.

- No, I'm not. You're just
lousy at orienteering.
- Whoa.

- Did you just call me
a lousy Oriental?
- "Orienteering."

- Look, I'll find the way.
- The "O" word is
very offensive, Ian.

- "Orienteering"?
- Stop saying it, bruv.

Ah, we'll just vibe it out. That's what
the Duke of Edinburgh Award is all about.

The Duke of Edinburgh Award
is about orienteering.

- Whoa.
- Maybe you should

think a bit more about
Orient's feelings.

Thank you, Duncan. Kind of. Look,
I'm not Chinese.

- So that makes it
double racist, really.
- I know you're not Chinese.

I'm just saying
we need to start orienteering.

Ah, fuck the Duke of
Edinburgh. He's not even real.

- Exactly.
- What?

Well, he's like Santa,
isn't he?

No, he's
the Queen's husband.

This award looks very good
on university applications.

Ah, no one cares
about university, right?

You don't need uni to pack
fish. Let's just do what we want.

I mean, it's not as if I see any dukes
sneaking around keeping an eye on us.


Ian, I'm coming to get you!

It's not funny, guys.
Can we just focus?


Yo. Yo.

What's up?

Look, Dean, I've got
a question for you, yeah?


But you got to answer it

All right.

Have I got a shit DJ name?

Um, you know,
I just don't know

how gangster
a vegetable can be.

The vegetable's
totally irrelevant here.

I know, I know, I know.

I just can't imagine a crowd all
hyped up chanting it, you know?


Like, Beatroot.

- Beatroot.
- Oh, fuck.

Right, that name
took me ages, man.

I really thought
that was the one.

I'm knackered.
I've been walking all day.

- Shit.
- I know. We all have.

Yeah, let's just camp here.

We have to do it properly,
or else we won't get the award.

Yeah, what is
the award anyway?

- It's a laminated certificate.
- A certificate?

A fucking certificate?

What did you think it was?

- Money.
- I wanted a medal.

Well, if you achieve
all the award goals,

you have a ceremony where
you can meet the royal family.

Well, why would anyone
want to meet them?

Look, we just can't camp here.
It's not safe.

How are we gonna find
the campsite?

We could ask him.


Yo! Yo, bruv, is-is there
a campsite around here?

Who's that?

Hey, pal!

Hello, boys!

That looks a little bit
like the, um...

You all right?

Hey, yo!

That's crazy.
I mean...

The population's

got a little too big
this year.

Is that
the Duke of Edinburgh?

- Is that the Duke of Edinburgh?
- Holy shit.


So, we've got to cull
the weakest animals.

He'd just give us the medal now,
and we can go home.

For the good of the herd.

I have no idea
what he's shouting about.


This is not natural.

- Now! Go!
- Run!

- Is this part of the award?
- No!

Quick, keep moving!

Oh, for fuck... Hurry up!

Go, go, go, go, go!

I think I'm gonna be sick.

He nearly shot me!

Look, fuck this guy.
Let's take him out.

We got any weapons?

- Oh, we're doomed.
- Hey.

This is actually well sharp.

Oh, man.

Come on.

Come to daddy.

- Lord, help us
in this time of need.
- Oh, fuck.

- Guide us through the darkness.
- We're fucked. Run for it?

- See us through with your light.
- I'll make a bomb.

- What?
- Deano!

- Shh.
- Deano. Deano.

How do you know
how to make a bomb?

I downloaded the terrorist handbook,
didn't I?

The government have monitors on that stuff,
you know. And you'll be on the list now.

Come on, I'm not stupid. I
didn't download it at my house.

Whoa. Whose house
did you download it at?

- Duncan's.
- Oh, appreciate that, man.

Wait a minute.

I mean, I...

Your name is
Duncan MacDonald, right?

You're the whitest white guy
I've ever met.

- You're basically albino. I wouldn't worry.
- Huh.

"Doonkhan Mach D'Naald."

A friend in head office
just sent me this on the sly.

Don't get your hopes up, but...

we may have a terrorist
in the Highlands.

What about the bread thief?

This is our
number-one case now.

Nail this, and there's no way
it's us getting closed down.

A terrorist.




Now or never.

Welcome to the hunting season!


- Duke of Dick!
- "Duke of Dick."

Go, go, go, go, go!

Oh, children.

Now I can brew up a lovely
post-hunt cup of tea.

- Where's the explosion?
- Why, thank you.

Yeah, the whole point
of a bomb.

Just kind of skim-read
the instructions.

- Oh, for f...
- Got any crockery?

Throw that down too.

Okay, okay. A bomb.

- A bomb. A bomb.
- Right.

Have you got a map?

- A bomb.
- - Got it off my brother for 50 quid.

Are you sure that's
not just a lump of tar?

- A bomb.
- - Dopest beats this side of Kilmarnock.

I got this.

Well, how's that
gonna help us?


- No!
- Yo, it worked.

- Duncan! Duncan!
- No, no!

- That actually worked.
- Duncan!

Bastard children!

Wait, you used
all the hash?

- That was supposed to
last us months!
- Go.

- I'm not wasting it.
- Come on, come on.

- It cost 50 quid.
- Come on. Let's go. Grab your stuff.

Where's Dean? Dean.

Wait up, boys!
I'll be two seconds!

Come on, boys! There's still
loads of little bits! It's really good!

Come on!

Oh, I think that was
rabbit shit.

Damn it, damn it! Crap!

Run, boy, run.

One bar.

Police. We're being chased by
a psycho pedophile with a gun.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa.

- You can't go calling him that.
- What?

We don't know
if he's a pedophile.

Everyone old and famous
is a pedo.

Well, you're 16,
so it'd actually be fine.

I'd be fine?

You just can't call him
a pedophile.

Oh, hello. Sorry.

Yes, that's right, we're being
chased by a psycho with a gun,

but we're still trying
to figure out if he fancies us.



On top of a mountain.

Oh, near a sheep.

- Oh, near a campsite.
- What?

- What?
- Get down.

Come on. Dean, hurry up!

Come on!

Dean, it's the minibus!

We found the campsite!

We were
right. We're saved.

Just vibe it out.

Fucking told you.

Hamish, grab your stuff
together. We're going to investigate.

Dougie, you stay here
and-and man the phone.

- But the superintendent said...
- The situation has escalated.

You want to impress
the superintendent?

This is our big ticket.

Hamish, get your stuff.

You're driving.

See ya.

- Hello?
- Mr. Carlyle?

This is weird, man.

- Where is he?
- Mr. Carlyle?



Well done.
Gosh, you made good time.

Sir, we've been chased
by the Duke.

Oh, yes. He's come to check
up on his award, has he?

- No, it was a mask.
- He was shooting at us, sir.

Now, boys, I like a laugh, and I'm glad to
see you're entering into the banter, Ian,

but that joke is actually
quite inappropriate.

He's mental!
He nearly killed us!

Not another word on this!

Show some respect.


Right, then,
let's prep the camp.

Come on.

You two, I want you to
re-aerate the kindling there

in a substrata
that'll ventilate

the, uh,
larger branches on top.

Then let's, uh, crack some tins of beans,
get them warming up.

So, watch out for thistles
when you lay down your tents.

- I'm then wanting
to see your food.
- Mmm.

The forecast says
it's a cold one,

so I'd suggest something warmer
than cereal for your breakfast.

Cereal for your breakfast.

- Huh?
- There's a killer frost coming,

uh, but that's part of the fun
of the Duke of Edinburgh Award.

- Now...
- Huh?

Watch out... watch out...
for your breakfast.

I'm... cereal.

The Duke...


Watch out. The Duke...

I'm... the Duke.

I'm the...

serial killer duke.

You okay there, Dean?

What happened to your leg,
Mr. Carlyle?

Yeah, what happened
to your leg?

Is that a burn?

Oh, yes, uh,
bit embarrassing.

I tried to cook up my lunch,
and the wind changed direction,

and I have hair on my legs,
so they caught very easily,

schoolboy error.

Although not all schoolboys
have hair on their legs,

so I suppose
that's a misnomer.


We're going to get
firewood, sir.

- We're just gonna keep walking.
- Now.

- Let's just keep walking.
- Right now.

Aye, that's the spirit.

Quick. Come on.

Quick, team huddle. Quick, get down.

Okay, so Mr. Carlyle
was the Duke.

He is. He told us.

I mean, I suppose the story about
his leg's a bit far-fetched, but...

And, okay, get this.

The Duke burned his leg too.
Coincidence? Maybe not.

Check this out. What I'm saying
is maybe Mr. Carlyle is the Duke.

That's literally
what I just said.

Don't try and take the credit.
So we've got to kill him, right?

- What?
- Eh?

Otherwise, he's gonna kill
us in our sleep. He's the Duke.

- Yeah.
- Duncan's actually right.

Course I am. That's why
they call me the brains.

- No one ever calls you that.
- Uh, it's my Xbox Live name,
so I get called it all the time.

- That doesn't really count
'cause it's Xbox Live.
- No.

Focus, please. This is not the time. Look,
let's just...

Let's just concentrate.

He's got a beard,
so how can he be the Duke?

Well, it's a disguise,
isn't it?

- Exactly.
- Listen.

Right, he threatened us. Okay?

I mean,
he told us to watch out.

I mean, he told us
he's a killer.

Did he?

Why do you think he was going
on about schoolboys' legs, hmm?

Why would that be, Ian?


- Well, I think killing him's
a wee bit much.
- Well, he's got to be stopped.

Look, we need to decide on a plan fast,
before he knows that we know.

- Good, DJ.
- Plus...

That's right. Teamwork.

- We'll put it to a vote.
- Right.

I'm a...
strong "maybe, yes."

Right. DJ?

- Yeah.
- And Dean?

- Aye.
- And Duncan?



What the heck, Duncan?

Duncan, you madman!

- What the hell have you done?
- - Duncan!

What? We-we all just agreed
to kill him.

We were voting on whether we
should maybe kill him, not kill him then.

Oh, shit, not this again.

Fuck's sake.

I've never seen
a murder before.

I'm homeschooled.

Okay, okay,
I'm almost at the edge. All right.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa! Duncan, stop, idiot.

All right, stop there.

Thanks, DJ.


Well, this is horrific.

Look, it's fine. I mean,
the Duke was trying to kill us.

- We had to fight back.
- Exactly.

That's how it
goes down in the hood.

Except we're not
in the hood, DJ.

- We're in
the Scottish Highlands.
- Pretty similar.

What are you doing?

Making him look sad
so it seems like suicide.

If anyone finds out about this,
we're definitely failing the award.

Ian, this is teamwork.
We're overcoming obstacles.

The real Duke would be
proud of us right now.

Come on,
he was a fucking psycho.

- No one's gonna
find him anyway.
- Exactly, man.

All right, do it, Duncan.
Send it off the edge.



- One!
- Quick! Right, go, go, go!

Quick, quick. Jump out!

Ah, shit.

Wouldn't worry about it.
Britain's an island.

It'll fall off a cliff

Let's get moving.

That's it, boys.

I'm done.
I'm going home.

- But you can't. We're very lost.
- What?

I thought you said
you were dead good at this.

You all right, Ian?

Of course I'm not F-ing all
right. We just killed our teacher.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
That was the Duke.

He was the Duke.

Who was?

Found you.


Ah, there you are.

I see you've met my wife.

Continued reports
of missing children.

Purity for the Common Good.

Worrying trend of the wrong

sort of youth being given
more and more opportunities.

Britain's culture is at risk.

I propose an annual cull

to remove the troublemakers
and keep control of the herd.

You see, we must keep

the integrity of the
species under control.

Bottle them!

Oh, shit.

Leg it! Go!

Come on!

Give us sport!

How'd Mr. Carlyle come back?

- That wasn't Mr. Carlyle!
- So who is Mr. Carlyle, then?

I think Mr. Carlyle
was just Mr. Carlyle.


- Whoa!
- Quickly, Duncan.

- Go on!
- Dance, boys.

- Dance.
- Keep going!

Right, keep going!

Come on!

So you're just gonna go
back to being a postman, then?

No, because we're not
going to be closed down.

Well, Malcolm
in the Pitlochry station

says they are a day away
from catching the bread thief

and that the superintendent's been
down to congratulate them already.

Listen, when we bring in
this case,

the superintendent will make us
central command of the Highlands.

Yeah, well, she'd better,
'cause I cannot go back to that abattoir.

I'm just not very good
with blood and violence.

You worked in accounts.

- I could still sense it.
- Och, Hamish.

I need you to focus.

This is a big case, a real chance for
us both to show what we're made of.

Come on.

I-I am concentrating.

I don't feel
you concentrate.

I feel your head's
all over the place.

I need you to focus
and stay on the job.

Now, eyes peeled,

Eyes peeled.

The Duke of Edinburgh
is well mean.

That's obviously not
the Duke of Edinburgh.

- So who is it, then?
- Just a different duke.

- DJ.
- Guys, that was the first time I've done a rap

- that wasn't about my dick.
- Shut up, DJ!

No one cares, you tit!



We need to hide.
Let's find some woods.

- The woods are shit!
- We should dump our rucksacks.

- Don't stop. Keep going.
- The bags are making us slower.

- Yeah, but we can't stop.
- If we stop and drop the bags,
we can be faster after.

But we'll have stopped,
so they'll catch us.

They'll catch us if we go
this slowly, Dean.

Which is exactly why
we can't stop.

Keep running, Ian!

Ian, this is the worst time
for a rest, bro.

I'm not resting.
It's my ankle.

You can't leave me.

I'm sorry, Ian.

I-I can't die.
I'm the future of hip-hop.

for understanding, bro.

- See you in a bit.
- DJ. DJ.

Don't worry, Ian.
I got you.

Oh, thank you, Duncan.

- Camouflage.
- Duncan, what the heck?

Duncan, what are you doing?

- Duncan!
- Good luck, wee man.

If they see you,
just pretend to be a deer.

Don't leave me.


Guys? Guys!


Well spotted, Hamish.

It's some sort of terrorist...


Mm, wait a minute.

What's this?

You, uh...
you doing forensics?

It's drugs.



- Hmm.
- That's rabbit poo, though.

I know.

I knew that.
I-I was just...


Found this as well.


Some sort of
agricultural audiobook?

This is no audiobook, Hamish.

This is hip-hop.

Oh, no, not in the Highlands.

Drugs and hip-hop.

We are dealing
with an urban gang.

What, a London gang?

I've done a training course
on this stuff.

Dougie, Dougie.
Come in, Dougie.

We are on the lookout for 15 to 20
young black males in hooded tops.

- Where's Ian?
- He's sorted.

- Don't worry.
- It's getting dark.

Let's get to that barn,
get some help, yeah?

Are you
mental? Look at it.

We've just been chased
by some psycho,

and you want to go in that barn that
looks like it's owned by a serial killer.

If someone tries something,
we just...

You know what I mean?

What, you-you point
at them?

Oh, no, sorry, sorry, DJ.

I forgot, you're the leader of
some unseen gangsta rap crew.

If they could come around right now
and help us out, that'd be really handy.

- It'd be really great.
- Well, what are you
gonna do, huh?

Find a cave.

Yeah, really
well-thought-out plan.

- Classic Duncan plan, innit? Dickhead.
- Better than your plan.

Bruv, I ain't scared.
That's nothing.

I deal with much worse
every day on the street.

What streets, DJ?

I mean, your mum showed me a
photo of your house back in London.

- What?
- It was covered in ivy.

Yeah, you were outside
in a little school uniform.

- And holding a chess trophy.
- Nah, nah.

What are you talking about? Must
have been someone else or something.

It's, like,
a Photoshop or something.

The closest thing you've been to
the ghetto is coming round my house,

and even then you're too
scared to get off the bus.

Just be fucking real
for once, please.

And... have
a shit DJ name.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa. Whoa.

All right.

Enjoy your cave, pussies.

Come on, Duncan.

A bit harsh, man.



Where are you? It's me.


Tons of soup sachets.

Normal soup, coriander soup,

chicken soup,
vegetarian soup, beef soup.

Hot chocolate powders.

Have you got any water?
I chucked all mine at the Duke.

Me, too.
Hit the lady duke in the balls.

I can't believe
you actually found a cave.

This is perfect. Hey, Duncan,
this is a perfect plan, mate.

Well, you know, everyone knows,
when you get lost in the Highlands,

you find a cave,
but thanks anyway.

And we don't even need water. We can just
eat it like this. It'll still be tasty.

Try mixing it in your mouth
with the spit

so it becomes
a bit more soupy.


- Another good Duncan plan, eh?
- Mm.

Where are you hiding?

Where are you hiding?

Where are you?

- You can't hide.
- Where are you?

Nowhere to run.

- Little boy.
- Nowhere to run.

It's him.

No, no, no, no, no.
My name's William DeBeauvoir.

It's him.

DJ Beatroot.


It's DJ Beatroot.

DJ Beatroot!


Beatroot! Beatroot!

Beatroot! Beatroot!

That's fucking right.

That's my name!

- DJ Beatroot!
- Yes!


- DJ Beatroot!
- Yes!

- Yes! Yes!
- DJ Beatroot!


Go on, now.

Go on!

Oh, good boy.

Let's get this party
started, eh?


What is it?


The Highlands'
best kept secret.

Local rabbit shites.

They really get you
well fucked up.

See, the rabbits love
the magic mushroom, right?

And then it ferments
in the gut and...

becomes... supercharged.


Now, only take one.


Why do you think they call it
the Highlands, eh?


Little boy.

Little boy.

Come out, come out,
wherever you are.

Oh, shit!

Do mind your tongue,
young man.


- Hello, darling.
- Hello, sweetheart.

Mommy's coming.

Is that him?

Oh, shit.
Ian! We've got to help.

Aye, we could take 'em.
They're just old people.

Old people
with swords and guns.

Since when have you been scared
of a bunch of posh old people?

Let's fucking do this.

Ian, we're coming!

Go on. Here we go.

All right, all right, all right. Yo,
listen up. Listen up.

You guys having a good time,
yeah? Yeah? Yeah? Yeah?


DJ Beatroot
in the fucking house!

- Yeah! Come on.
- Yeah!

I got something new
for you, all right?

A lot of shit's been going
down in the Highlands.

- Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
- And I'm about to tell you
all about it.

Mr. Farmer,
hit that track.

Here we go.

Come on, come on.

Y'all ready, yeah?

- Yeah!
- Okay.

Okay, DJ Beatroot
fresh out the box.

Listen, listen.

Come on, then, look.

That's what I'm talking about!

- You having a good time, yeah?
- Yeah!

Who have you come
to see tonight?

DJ Beatroot!

Fuck, it's hot.

- Is that hip-hop?
- Fuck him.

Oh, you bastard.

Dougie, listen.

There are loads of them.

It's a riot.


Stop it. Hamish.

Ian! Ian!

Ian, we're coming!

Go, go, go, go!
Dougie, Dougie, Dougie.

Dougie! Dougie! Go!

Get in the car!

Fucking drive!

Dougie! You'll never
believe this, Dougie!

They're fucking zombies,


Let's fucking have it!

Charge, Ian!

Bastards! You've done it now.

Don't you tease me,
little boy!

Fuck off, Grandad.

That sword has been in our
family for hundreds of years.

The blacksmith
that smelted it

had his own hands
chopped off after

so no common hands
would ever have touched it.

This sword's
a piece of shit.

Hand it over so I can
chop off your grubby hands

and put things
back to right.

Oh, aye.
You and whose army?

Oh, you naive child.

And you...
Where's your army, eh?

What's my name? DJ Beatroot!

- What's my name?
- DJ Beatroot!

- What's my name?
- DJ Beatroot.

What the hell is that?

- What's my name?
- DJ Beatroot?

No! The horses!


Tactical retreat.

DJ fucking Beatroot.

I'm coming for you,

DJ Beatroot!

Ian, hold tight. Here
we go. Found this in a field.

Gonna strap you up good, mate.

All right, put your leg up.
There we go. Okay.

What the hell happened?

We saved you.

- You left me.
- Yo.

We had to leave you
in order to save you.

how could we save you?

Yeah, look, I'm sorry
for leaving you, Ian.

But I'm all about
community now, yeah?


Hey, Farmside!

DJ Beatroot!

I thought you were different,
but you're not.

You're just more cool kids that treat
me like a loser, like everyone else.

Ian, why do you think us three
are such good mates?

I mean, we're...
we're losers at school.

No one talks to us.

But you...
you've been pretty cool.

Like, you haven't
slagged us off or anything.

Come on,
you're part of the gang.

That's why we came back.

What about the Dukes?

They'll be back. They'll try and
kill us. Who's gonna stop them?

We'll call the police.

How are we gonna explain
Mr. Carlyle to them?

It was
a genuine mistake.

I thought he was
trying to kill us.

- I-I didn't know. I-I thought...
- Hey.

I know, but if we don't want to go to jail,
we're gonna have to capture the Dukes.

They're our only proof.

Okay, Dean, help me up.

Oh, yeah. There we go.

They want to know
where our army is?

We're our own army.

Holy shit, Ian.

Are you going
full Braveheart on us?

They can't hunt us if
we're already hunting them.

- Oh, I'm in. I'm so fucking in.
- Yes.

No corners, right, Duncan?
Nowhere to hide.

Fuck yes, Ian!

- I fucking love
this award now, boys!
- Come on, come on!

Only problem is
we don't have any weapons.



- Well, how's about a sword?
- Oh.

- A sword!
- Aye.

And... a massive
fuck-off gun.

- A gun!
- And I still got my fork.

Like I said,
it is well sharp.

Right, that as well.

shout it out, then.


You shouted out all the
others. Shout mine out too.

- Fork.
- Yeah!

Let's fucking do this!


Let's finish this award.


How can you not remember
if they went north or south?

It was dark, and...

I think I had my eyes closed
for most of it.

What's got into you?

Are you crying?

Sorry, it... you know, it just feels
a bit overwhelming all of a sudden.

It's like nothing matters.


Hello, Superintendent.


What brings you here all
the way from the big village?

Dougie called me in,

said things may have got
a wee bit out of hand.

What's this nonsense?

It's all true.

I saw it
with my own eyes.

It's gone fucking mental
out there.


Letting your imagination
run wild.

When you're sitting on...

the crime of the decade.

Half the Highlands'
bread's gone missing.

I've no had a ciabatta
in weeks.

seeded batch, pita,

organic raisin
and cashew bloomer... gone.

There's babies out there who've
never even seen a baguette.

My neighbor, who,
by the way, fought in the war,

had to spread jam
on a dog biscuit yesterday.

All the ducks are miserable.

They're getting really vicious.

Think about it...
No toast means no butter.

All the farmers have gone
mental. It's a full-scale disaster.

So stop daydreaming.

Stop playing TV cops.

Nothing ever happens
in the Highlands.

This is as big
as it'll ever get for you.

Accept that,

or hand in
your badges right now.

They've let the bread trail
go cold.

It's hard to know
where to start from now.

He's a bread thief.

Follow the trail
of crumbs.

Follow the crumbs.

She's right.

That's how we'll find them.

But what about
the bread thief?

We can't ignore
what we've found.

The superintendent's wrong.

People's lives
are at risk here.

So, are we going rogue?

Yes, Hamish, we are.

We're going rogue!

I'm a real policeman now.

Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

Trust no one. Could be
anyone under those masks.

Could be a bunch of them.
Could even be one of us.

- No.
- Who can say?

The Duke
might even be me.


You're too young, Duncan. It's
everyone old that we got to watch out for.

Right, enough chitchat.
Let's make a plan.

Okay, look, we're in a valley
with no tree line,

so there's a natural route.

They'll want to follow a stream, which I suggest
will probably be one or two miles that way.

Right, and they're old, so they're not
gonna be climbing any big mountains.

- Right.
- You see those boulders there?

The grass round it suggests to
me that it's probably quite boggy,

- so they'll be traveling slow.
- Hmm.

Well, let's use the rocks as cover and
follow the contours of the valley then.

- Agree?
- Okay.

- All right, cool.
- Let's go. Come on.


Come on.

Hurry up, Ian.

Come on, boys.

Ow. Wait!

Here. Morag.

- You were right.
- Excellent work, Hamish.

More drugs.

Heroin, maybe.

Bad quality, though.

Heavily cut with something.




Get down.

That's it. They're there.
Right where we said they'd be.

We were right.

- This is it.
- Yeah.

Oh, wait, hang on.
Take some of these.


They'll get you well mashed up.

You'll feel fucking invincible.

- Are these what I think they are?
- - Look.

These are called Farmer's Courage,
all right?

Trust me. Down 'em.


Nah, I'm not going there.
Committed to you now, Ian.

Aye. Against the spirit
of the award, right?


- Fuck it.
- All right.

Oh, by the way, guys,
only ever take one at a time.

Oh, shit.

Give me the rest.

Here we go.

I don't...
I don't understand it.

The youth's gone feral.

They're making a mockery of
everything this country stands for.

Was that a gun?

They've got all our weapons.

Let's keep moving.

Oy, you wankers!

- Oy! Oy!
- "I..."

- Wankers!
- "Iyahwanka"?

"Iyah... wanka."

"Allahu Akbar."

Hamish, we found them.

Can't run for much longer!

Not gonna... Fuckin' A!

I c... I can't go.

I can't. I can't.

I can't.

Oh, for fuck's sake.

Oh, God.

These youngsters
should have the decency

to let one take
a good chop at them.

Oh, gosh, listen to us.

We sound like... we sound like
a couple of old fogies.

We are old.

That's why they're not
scared of us anymore.

Well, when did it happen?
We used to be invincible.

All right, Duke?

Oh, God.

Oh, no, you don't.

Come on!

Come on!

My God,
that fork is sharp.

In here!

- Get... Get...
- Duked! Duked!

- Oh, fuck, it's locked.
- Damn it to hell!


Thank you.

Oh, lovely. Thanks so much.


- Go, go, go.
- - When I say "get," you say "Duked."

- Get... Get...
- Duked! Duked!

- They're getting away, Duncan.
- When I say "get,"
you say "Duked."

- Get... Get...
- Duked! Duked!

Come here, come here,
come here.

Um, take that.

You ready?

Come on.

Three, two, one, go!

Oh, where are the boats?

I was told
this was the escape point.

- Well, where are the boats, then?
- - I don't bloody know.

Oh, this is great.

Just great. Well done.

- Get... Get...
- Duked! Duked!

When I say "get,"
you say "Duked."

- Get... Get...
- Duked! Duked!

When I say "get,"
you say "Duked."

- Get... Get...
- Duked! Duked!

When I say "get,"
you say "Duked."

- Get... Get... Get...
- Duked! Duked! Duked!

- Get... Get... Get...
- Duked! Duked! Duked!

- Get...
- Duked!

Duked, Duked, Duked,
Duked, Duked,

Duked, Duked,
Duked, Duked, Duked!

Put that down, little boy.

Don't you realize
it's dangerous?

Yeah, after all the times
you shot at us with it.

Oh, don't be
ridiculous. That's completely different.

- Uh, hand me my sword.
- Oh, back off.

Bad form, Mowgli.

But you shot at us.

You tried to kill us
for no reason.

No reason?

You people, your generation,
you're always complaining,

always saying
that you are the victims.

Yeah, you don't even realize you
are the cause of your problems,

always blaming someone else.

But you definitely
did cause this problem.

Don't answer back.
Respect your elders.

You think we're gonna put up with this?
You don't think we're gonna fight back?

You see, it's exactly
that new challenging attitude

that needs to be culled...
And fast.

You don't know
how good you have it.

We've given you
this perfect world,

and all your lot can do is turn
round and say that we have ruined it.

But you have ruined it.

I mean, everything's
shite for us.

And fucking wanker golf,

"Oh, look at my house I bought
after I went to uni and got a fucking job.

Why can't you?"
It's fucking bullshit.


You know what
I'm gonna do? I'm...

I'm gonna pack fish and live
with my drunk dad till I'm old.

That's it.
That's all I've got going.

And by then, you rich cunts
will be living on Mars

'cause the planet
will be so fucked anyway.

But even then,
not even then are you gonna get it.

No, youse'll be in
your gold-plated oxygen tanks

still convincing yourself
you did nothing wrong

and everything's
perfectly fair.

we'll be on Earth,

as mutants
living in bunkers,

explaining to our manky
fucking three-eyed kids

what you tweedy business CEO
fucking greedy bastards did to us!

- Yeah, what he said.
- Yeah.

Wasn't sure about the mutants part,
but overall, yeah.


How come you guys
get to live on Mars?

- It's very sweet, isn't it?
- It is, I have to say.

It's our time now.
It's over.

I do love it when they talk.

What you laughing at?

Come on, Grandma!

Oh, you silly boys.

You didn't actually think you'd be
able to change anything, did you?

Where are they?

Ah, there you are!

- There you are.
- Yoo-hoo!

Well, well, well.

you old bastard.

Took your time.

Hello, old man. Gosh.

Very aggressive bunch
this year, aren't they?

Yes, we managed
to kill four or five.

They put up a real fight.

- They were terrible practice.
- Oh!

It's it so lovely to be
out on the hunt again, though.

D of E is my favorite
time of year.

- So invigorating.
- So reaffirming.

Ooh, we must
all get a photo.

- When were we all
last together?
- Absolutely.

- What a good idea.
- Come on. Gather round.

Darling, come over here.

Here, let's do it here.

- In we go.
- Come here, darling.

- Oh, right, we've got
a camera. Well done.
- Good. That's it.

- Right here. Here we go.
- Yes.

- In you get, Tom.
- Hop in. Perfect.

Oh, that's great.

Youse are all fucking mental.

Steady with the language,
old boy.

- You've no idea
what they've been saying.
- So uncouth.

It's appalling.

You won't get away with this.

That's where you are wrong.

We always do.

And we always will.

You see,
one must cull the vermin

so that the crops may thrive.

I'm sure you understand.




It's a miracle.

It's the minibus!

- I told you, didn't I?
- Mr. Carlyle!

- Mr. Carlyle.
- Mr. Carlyle.

I'm so sorry, sir.

I want you to know that

we genuinely did think
you were a psycho pedo.

We hope
you understand, sir.

You're at peace now.

Mr. Carlyle!

Get him out! Get him out!

- Go help! Go! Go!
- Quick!

- Come on, quick. Quick.
- Get his legs.

Grab his legs! Grab his legs!

Get his legs.

Oh, shit.

- Okay, set him down.
- Easy, easy, easy, easy.

- I've got a faint heartbeat.
- I didn't kill him.

- I wouldn't speak
too soon, mate.
- I'm gonna lose him.

- Duncan, give him
- Oh...

- Nah.
- What, bro? Come on, man.

Someone give him
some water.

Oh. It's not water,
but it's well better.

It's working.

- We need to shock him.
- Ah.




You've f-fa...

- Yeah?
- What?

You've failed the award.

- Oh, come on, sir.
- What? Are you kidding us?

- We saved your life.
- We saved you.

You killed me!

But we had to kill you
in order to save you.

- Or else how could we save you?
- That is a good point.

Oh, you...

are all in a lot of trouble.

Hold it right there.

Sorry to interrupt,
but have you seen

about 50 young males
in hooded tops

wearing satanic animal skulls,
covered in heroin,

who look a bit undead,
pass through here?

'Cause watch out.
They're all pedophiles.


no, we've not seen that.

Trail's gone dead again.

What's going on here?

Duke of Edinburgh Award.

Officer, these boys...

Uh, found a smashed-up minibus!

This could still be a clue.

Go. Go.

Are you okay, sir?

These boys...

- ...tried to kill me.
- Oh, my God!

Don't let those boys
out of your sight!

What is it, Hamish?

They've only gone and found
the bloody bread thief.

Oh, my...

- God.
- Look.

- Ciabatta, baguettes.
- Oh, my God!

Oh, oh, look.

Pain... Pain au chocolat here,
uh, b-brioche.

It's the cashew bloomer.

Whose minibus is this?

It's theirs.

- Aye, it's theirs.
- Yeah, it's theirs.

Look under the bus.

Oh, my Lord.

Well, it's a gang.

Blood, guns. There's masks.

You think they've found
the terrorists as well?

Would we maybe get
a medal for this?

Well, I expect so.
I mean, you're heroes.

We get a medal.

We did it.
We won the award.

We will be getting
the real award, though, right?


What are your names, lads?

Uh, DJ Beatroot.

I think I've heard of you.

Well, I mean, I'm pretty big
round these parts.


The brains behind
the operation, I can see.

Pretty much, aye.

Do I know you from somewhere?


Dean. Hi.

- Well done, son.
- Thanks.

Have you ever thought
a career in the forces?

- I mean, you'd be good.
- I might do that.

Don't know. I'm gonna keep
my options open, though.

Could go into politics,
take down the big man, you know?

- Ian Harris.
- Congratulations.

That's a great set of mates
you got there.

They're the best.

I think we'll get you
to the hospital.

Uh, uh, Hamish.

We get a medal.
We did it. We won the award.




Right, lads, straight in that
minibus, eh? Been a long day for youse.

How much
would I have to pay you

to have Mr. Carlyle's balls
rested on your head

for one hour each day
for a full year?

That's got to be
at least 50 quid.

At least 50 quid?

You get 6.50 an hour working
in the fucking fish factory.

- You have to sit there...
- 500.

500 quid. Sound.

- We'll try and work
that out for you.
- Just a minute.

- Come on, look.
- Hey!

- Hey.
- Wait.

- Stop.
- Yo.

Are you doing
the Duke of Edinburgh Award?



You'll need this.

And this.

Make this signal,
and you'll always have backup.

Farmside, yeah?

Trust me on this.

It's well sharp.

Give 'em hell.

DJ Beatroot...!

Youse are all fucking mental.

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