Get Charlie Tully (1972) - full transcript
Charlie Tully and womanizing Reggie Peek con two rich Italians out of £500,000, but during their flight out Charlie is arrested for conning an American and a dog. Reggie puts the money in a Swiss bank, and after Charlie is released is about to tell him which bank when Reggie is killed by Sid Sabbath's gang, with whose girlfriend Reggie had an affair. The only lead is four tattoos that are on the girls with whom Reggie had affairs while Charlie was in jail. But Sabbath is on Charlie's trail to kill him, and the Italians contract the mob to find the money and then kill him.
[mysterious music]
[playful music]
[indistinct chatter]
- Oh, excuse me, miss?
- Oh, hello.
Could you help me? I'm looking for
the Queen's picture collection.
Oh, it's along there, it's marvellous.
- You're interested in painting, are you?
- Yes.
My boyfriend paints in oils.
Does he really?
I expect he's done you dozens of times.
Pardon?
In all kinds of positions.
Oh, you are awful!
But I like you.
[chuckles]
[groans]
[playful jazz music]
- Thank you Sir.
- Thank you.
[she screams]
You dirty little beast, you!
[they both scream]
[hubbub]
[shouting] Madam, madam, please!
[she keeps shouting]
Spot of bother going on there.
[shouting continues]
[she sobs]
[moaning]
Put the lady in a taxi, Wilson.
Yes, I will.
Ah.
Has his Royal Highness written you?
Who, me, Sir? No, sir.
Damn! Probably still with Her Majesty.
- Now, look here, Smithson…
- Price, sir.
Oh yes, of course. Price.
Now, listen carefully…
We're expecting two very important persons
who'll be escorted by the Head
of Protocol, Foreign Office.
Foreign Office, yes sir.
Now, for reasons which you
will not expect me to go into,
they will be entering through
the Picture Gallery.
Now, as soon as they arrive,
I want you to show them straight through.
Through that door, there.
- That room's always kept locked.
- Yes.
- Except when it's required
- Very good, sir.
by me.
Who will they be asking for, sir?
Discretion, man. Discretion.
[playful music]
I believe you're expecting me.
Yes sir. Are you the Head of Protocol?
- That's right. Did Sir Charles…
- Sir Charles?
Oh yes, yes sir, indeed.
And I can take you straight
through. Right this way, sir.
[knocking]
Enter.
- The gentlemen you were expe
- Ah, Beaumont, my dear chap.
ting.
Good morning, Sir Charles.
May I introduce Signor Vittorio
Ferruchi and his son Emilio?
Sir Charles.
Delighted.
Eh, Beaumont?
Ah.
Do sit down, gentlemen.
Here you are.
I must apologise for having brought
you in through the Gallery,
but as you'll appreciate,
since it is a matter of extreme delicacy,
you could hardly use the front door.
Please, we quite understand.
So this is the young man who's
going to marry our princess Anne.
May I express the great joy
of the Ferruchi family
at this tremendous honour.
We are overwhelmed over our good fortune.
Well, Signor, the Foreign Office feels
a closer link with Italy is desirable
in view of our impending entry
into the Common Market.
Isn't that so, Sir Charles?
Oh, absolutely, dear boy.
Bearing in mind that the
Greeks and the Germans are
already pretty well represented
in the Royal Family.
That is a good boy.
You're going to play for Italy.
Quite.
Which brings us to what one
might call the transfer fee.
[in Italian] What?
The marriage settlement.
Oh, yes, yes.
Seems a pity that sordid finance should enter
into a matter of this nature, but,
in view of the difficulties Her Majesty
is having with her wage claim,
and the expense of a royal wedding…
I can assure you the Archbishop of
Canterbury does not come cheap!
[chuckles] You'll understand.
Please, say no more.
I'm only too happy to oblige.
Emilio's future mamma in law!
After all, Signor, the sum involved is trifling
in view of the enormous publicity
reflecting on the Ferruchi car empire.
Quite a substantial fringe benefit.
You have brought the five hundred…
thousand pounds with you?
Yes. In negotiable bonds.
Thank you, Signor.
You'll understand why we couldn't
possibly have accepted a cheque.
If news of this transaction
leaked out, we'd be besieged
with offers for Prince Charles.
I now expect you're anxious to
meet the young lady in question.
So, if you'll excuse me a moment.
[in Italian] Emilio, stay
put. What's gotten into you?
Kids…
Good morning, your Royal Highness.
Oh, thank you, ma'am.
Yes, they are here.
I should say about…
Six foot tall, sixty in colour.
Rather sorely, naturally.
Oh, we will, Ma'am.
We'll be done in five minutes.
Yes.
Yes, but of course, ma'am. [chuckles]
Oh yes, we quite understand.
Naturally, we will.
Gentlemen, as this meeting is
something of a family affair,
her Royal Highness has suggested
that Beaumont and I should withdraw.
So, if you'll excuse us.
I wish you every happiness on
this most auspicious occasion.
Please, sir!
What do I say to the princess?
Ah, just talk about horses.
She'll be good for a couple of hours.
[light, playful music]
[sigh]
Ah, a taxi. Taxi!
[breaks squeaking]
[indistinct chatter]
Can't you keep your mind off
birds' bums for five minutes?
I shall invest a great deal of this
in a great deal of that, old boy.
Come on!
[muttering indistinctly in Italian]
In English, Emilio! Practise your English.
Two hours we wait for the
princess. Where is she, hm?
Be patient, my son.
She's a very busy young lady.
Maybe she's preparing a little surprise for us.
Like a lordship for your papa, eh?
- Lord Ferruchi di Calabria.
- [bark]
[drumroll]
[barking]
Emilio, bow to your future mamma in law.
- [grandiose music]
- [barking]
[playful music]
Woah!
Hm!
Cheers. Yeah.
I don't know how you two get
away with it, I really don't.
What a mug that Eytie must be.
Oh, don't knock him, love. I'd
like half a dozen more like him.
Hey, look at that.
You wouldn't think them bits of
paper are worth half a million!
My God, and all in one go!
I don't suppose my Wal had over a
couple thousands in his whole career.
Your Wal's usually inside, darling.
There's not a lot of profit
in 14 luncheon vouchers.
No, maybe not, but I'll say one thing for it
we've always eaten well.
[both chuckle]
He's got another 18 months to do?
- Yes, with good behaviour.
- You won't be on your own for long.
- No. Mind you…
- Hm?
I don't know where I'm gonna find
another couple of tenants like you two.
- [man singing]
- I'm gonna miss you both.
Especially him.
Libby, my darling!
Come into my bosom and drink deep from my lips!
[playful screams]
I can't!
I've already had a couple of glasses of bubbly.
If I started drinking your lips I'd go berserk!
She'll have you on the mat in no time!
[giggling] Oh, I would!
I would.
- It's that torso, you see?
- Torso?
With that writing it looks more
like the wall of a public loo!
Oh, look at all them girl's names on there.
Lucky devils!
Raving sex maniacs!
Why don't you keep a little black book?
Little black books get lost, old man.
But with my own skin directory,
I'm never starved for a bird!
I can think of less painful ways.
[Reggie] I give you a toast,
my quarter of a millionaire!
Our benefactors her Majesty the Queen,
God bless her!
I always did support the Royal Family.
And now they're supporting us.
- [chuckles]
- Hey, look at the time!
You two better get a move on.
- Don't miss your plane.
- You're right.
The sooner we get this in a Swiss
bank, the happier I'll be.
Aye.
Now, who shall I go as?
Why not go as yourself? Nobody's looking for us.
Hey, that's a good idea!
[in Italian] Emilio, I swear
on your mother's life,
that wherever they may be…
What a beautiful woman!
[in English] I would have
made a good papa for you!
[in Italian] Let's go.
Oh!
- So sorry.
- Not at all, my fault entirely.
[indistinct announcement]
[the dog whines]
George! Would you just look at that dog?
Isn't he the most darling
thing you've ever seen?
[George] Hm.
[lady] It's the absolute
epitome of everything British.
[George] Hm.
[lady] Won't the children
back home just love him?
[George] They might.
[lady] I'd give 100 dollars for a dog like that.
Maybe even as much as 200.
Excuse me?
Hi. I just heard what you said.
He's a jolly creature, isn't he?
Oh, he is! What's his name?
Er… Winston! Yes, that's it, Winston.
Well, I've always wanted a dog
like that. Does he belong to you?
No, no.
Damn shame, really. No, he belongs to my cousin,
Duke of Crowbra.
We came to the airport to
meet him, didn't we, Winston?
[the dog barks]
but I'm afraid we've had some tragic news.
His Grace won't be coming back.
Out on safari, in Nepal,
clobbered by a tiger.
Always was a rotten sort.
Oh, how dreadful!
Yes, I'm afraid Winston's homeless.
Can't take him back to the castle.
Duchess happens to be a cat lover.
Well, if nobody wants him,
could he possibly be for sale?
Good lord!
Never thought about it, really.
Possibly might be.
[gasp] George, I just gotta have that dog!
How much?
It's almost like selling one of the family.
I don't know what to say.
How 'bout 100 dollars?
How 'bout 200?
George!
Thanks very much.
[snickers]
Well, bye-bye, Winston old cha…
…girl.
- Always remember, you're British.
- [dog growls]
[he chuckles]
Come on, bring the dog, Mabel.
Here we go.
Thank you, bye.
[George] Bring the dog.
Come on, Winston. Come on.
[announcer] B.E.A announce departure
of their flight 201 to Zurich.
Will passengers please proceed to gate 940?
- [announce continues]
- [barking and commotion]
[the man screams]
[screaming continues]
[George shouting indistinctly]
[shouting continues]
There he is! That's the man
from whom I bought this dog!
You come down here!
[Mabel] Come on, now!
[they all shout]
- [George] I paid 200 dollars
- [heavy sigh]
for this dog!
[judge] Charles Henry Irving Tully,
we find the case against you true.
In view of the despicable nature of the offense,
which has sullied the name of this country
in the eyes of our overseas visitors,
and even more important,
outraged the feelings of
every British dog lover.
We are sending you to prison for six months.
[barking]
Quiet, my darling. In a moment.
Do you understand?
Six months.
[dog barking]
[Italian music]
[in Italian] Now, see, Don Luigi…
[in Italian] Ah, look at him. Isn't he precious?
[in Italian] So beautiful
he's a credit to your honour.
[cooing]
[rattling]
[crying]
[in Italian] What's wrong,
my boy, what have you done?
There, there…
[in Italian] How should we proceed?
[in Italian] Very well,
Vittorio. Consider it done.
Thank you, Don Luigi, Thank you.
Goodbye.
See ya!
- [pigeons cooing]
- [door unlocking]
- [warder] All right, Tully, on
- [door closing]
your feet.
Here you are, Charlie.
Forty Embassy, two Kitkat, and a Tofee Crisper.
Ta.
I'll put them on your account, all right?
Have you thought about
picking a crew for the boat?
The boat?
Yeah.
Can't go to the island where Morgan
buried the treasure without.
Oh, that boat!
Don't go worrying yourself
about minor details, old son,
leave all that to me.
I can't stop thinking about it.
Three-and-a-half million
buried in gold and jewels!
Give or take a hundred thousand.
When we split it down the
middle it can't be bad, eh?
Keep your voice down.
D'you reckon there'll be pearls…
I think I'd like a bit of chicken for dinner.
Yeah. All right, Charlie.
With chips.
Here, are you absolutely certain
that map's genuine?
I told you it was handed over to
the National Physical Laboratory
who gave it a carbon test.
1665, within a year or to.
Did I mention the ink was found
to be 40% oak gall on parchment
from the Capretto goat? Exactly
what you'd expect, of course.
They can't fool you!
You're sure right, mate!
Oh, I forgot what I came for.
Your solicitor's here to see you.
[warder] Prisoner Tully to the interview room!
[door closes]
- Prisoner Tully, sir.
- Oh, there you are!
Tully, sit down, will you?
Thank you, officer.
Now then, Tully, I've spoken
to your mother and she…
You must be the stupidest
bloody idiot I've ever met!
We could've been living it up
with a quarter of a million
and you go and get yourself
nicked for a lousy 200 bucks!
I can't help it.
You know me.
With some people it's booze,
with me, it's my big mouth.
If there was a con-men anonymous I'd joint it.
How about the way you go
chasing after the birds!
I don't let them interfere with business.
I said I'm sorry, what should I do, grovel?
Yes!
I'd have cleared off and left you to rot
but for the fact that I knew
you'd have shoved me to the law.
You wouldn't, you're my mate.
I would.
If you had, I'd have shoved you to the law.
That would be a bit damn silly, wouldn't it,
I'm the only one who knows which
Swiss bank the money's in
and the number of the account.
Fancy thinking I'd shove an old pal like you
to the law!
Right.
Now you better memorize the bank and the number.
- Don't tell me!
- Why not?
I talk in my bloody sleep, that's why.
Every villain in the nick
would have that number.
Be running day trips from Dartmoor to Zurich.
Why would I have the responsibility
of being the only one who knows?
Suppose I had an accident, get
knocked down or something?
Look, I'll be out of here in
another five weeks' time.
In the meantime there's only one
thing I can suggest: stay in bed.
- [bells ringing]
- [dogs barking]
[warder] Hang on, Charlie.
I haven't put down this morning's fags yet.
And there's a double portion
of chicken and chips.
That's half a quid today, Charlie!
- I can't keep this up, you
- Oh dear, oh dear.
know?
No wonder you're still a working screw.
Worrying over a few quids
when in a couple of months
you'll get that treasure!
You'll have enough money to own your prison.
It's not me, it's the missus!
It comes out of her housekeeping.
She's lost two and a half
stones since you're here.
All right, suit yourself!
You wanna pull out, OK by me.
I'll have a chat with the Governer.
He strikes me as a practical lad.
No Charlie, please! Forget I said anything.
- Sure?
- Positive, certain!
What are you gonna do about getting me a daily?
- Ah.
- I can't go on working myself to death.
I have to save my strength for diving.
That treasure's 40 foot down.
That gold's as heavy as lead.
I've got someone for you.
- You'll have to bung him
- Fair enough.
a few fags.
How 'bout 20 a day?
That's very generous of you.
See to it and shove it on my bill.
Oh god!
Oh, Charlie?
Get him to polish your boots, will you?
Don't put them outside for me, looks obvious.
All right Mancini, in you come.
[mysterious music]
This is Mancini, Charlie.
He'll be happy to oblige.
[in Italian] Good evening, Mr. Tully.
Evening.
I'll be off, then.
[Charlie] Wait.
Get rid of that, will you?
[door closes and locks]
[Charlie mumbles in his sleep]
Pleasure to meet you, Signor Ferruchi.
[mumbling]
Oh… what a stroke…
he'll never fall for it.
[mysterious music]
[Charlie] Signor Ferruchi…
[sigh]
Welcome to the palace.
[snoring]
Half a million…
For a bulldog.
Ridiculous!
[Charlie mumbles]
[snoring]
[mumbling]
[bells ringing]
There you are, Tully.
This is it, Charlie.
Tuesday fortnight.
Pier 17, Hamble River Marina.
Yes, right, yeah.
Pity we had to let some of the others in.
Huh? Oh yeah, yeah.
Still, it's got a cost if you
wanna get that treasure.
Here, and, uh,
here's 20 from the Chaplain.
Couldn't keep him out.
I hope he didn't rob the poor box.
We don't want divine intervention on this lark.
Well, Tuesday fortnight then, Charlie.
- Cheerio.
- By the way…
I never did find out. What's your surname?
Burke. Prison officer Burke.
[mysterious music]
[man] Pst!
Hello, Reg!
Why are you wearing dark glasses?
You got your collar turned up!
- Why are we hurrying?
- Shut up and keep walking.
[dog barking]
why are we walking, where's the car?
Can't use the car, too risky.
What are you on about?
I paid my debt to society,
I've got nothing to fear.
I know but I have.
Look, look, slow down a minute, slow down!
Don't forget I haven't had much exercise lately.
What's all this about?
When I saw you five weeks ago you told
me to take it steady and stay in bed.
- Yes?
- Well I took your advice.
But not on my own.
What's new?
The chick in question forgot
to mention she's the sister
of a gentleman called Mr. Sabbath.
So she's got a brother. What
difference does that make?
All these birds got brothers, why should…
Sabbath?
Not Sid Sabbath?
- Don't panic!
- You're the biggest bloody idiot I've met.
Get away from me, stupid git!
Sid Sabbath!
Oh God! The mob he runs
makes you pay brothers in blood
for bedding their sisters!
He'll have you killed!
I know.
[ominous music]
All right, Arthur, my boy, you know what to do.
Right, Mr. Sabbath.
- And that's not all.
- Can there be any more?
Somebody's onto us.
- Not the law?
- No, of course not.
They tipped the flat over three times,
and they went through the
place with a tooth comb.
Who the hell could it have been?
It's someone who knows we've pulled the
palace job, they're after the bread.
You'd never be mad enough
to leave it in the flat.
No, but they're looking for a clue
as to where we've stashed it.
You're hardly likely to put that on record!
- As a matter of fact, I did.
- What?
I'm only thinking of you, Charlie.
If anything had happened to
me you'd have lost a lot.
Yeah, come on.
You're telling me you're idiotic enough
to write that bank account number
down in black and white?
Not exactly, no.
Where I put it, nobody will
have guessed, except you.
- How do you mean?
- Well, I put it on the back…
Wait, I feel a bit uneasy
here. All these windows…
Let's go over there.
When I tell you the number, memorize it.
Then we'll leave the country
as quickly as when can.
We'll split up and meet in Switzerland.
Split up is right. I'm not
flying with you, mate.
Sid Sabbath may have plans for you 20 000 feet.
We should be safe here.
Listen carefully and remember.
First, I'll tell you the name of the bank…
Yeah?
Then the number of the account.
Wait a minute, let me concentrate.
Ready.
The name of the bank…
[he gasps]
- [coughing]
- [mysterious music]
What was the name? Reggie?
Wait, Reggie?
Reg!
I thought I had already
explained so that even you,
mutton-headed cretins, would understand.
All right. I'll explain again.
These two fellows have come into
possession of half a million pounds.
We want it. But only they know where it is.
So we must wait
until they lead us to it.
Simple, eh?
Not simple.
Because you have already allowed
one of them to be killed.
Which cuts our chances by half, right?
So listen…
carefully.
The remaining man must be kept alive
until we get our hands on that money.
From now on, your only duty will be to see that
nothing happens to Charlie Tully.
Because…
believe you me,
your own lives depend upon it.
Right?
Good.
[he sighs]
[sniffling]
Any luck, Charlie?
Not even a flaming go fish!
Oh, Reggie, if I could only get my hands on you!
Don't talk to him like that!
Hasn't he been through enough?
Look, love,
in all your life, you have but one great mate.
And mine was Reggie.
Where he is, he don't need the money, but I do!
Money? That's all you think about!
The last thing old Reggie said before
that house hit him on the head
was that he made a record of that bank number.
What exactly did he say?
What were his actual words?
He said he put where nobody
would guess except me.
But you haven't, have you?
"I put in on the back", he said.
That was as far as he got.
My god!
- That's it!
- What?
"I put in on the back", he said.
His back! I'll lay you six to
four that's what he meant!
It's tattooed on his back!
He had a lovely body!
Yes. I'm going to go to that
mortuary a bit smartish!
Claim that lovely body, bring it
back here for a quick shufti.
[car honking]
You stupid git, come back
here, I'll put one on you!
Hello dear, did you see that?
Some of them want knotting, don't they?
I am allowed 20 minutes for loading.
[soft music]
[gentle, sombre music]
There there, madam, don't distress yourself.
Time is the great healer.
Remember M. Sinfeild Limited
offer their deepest sympathy
in your hour of bereavement.
Oh, my Reggie!
My little Reggie!
- My only son!
- Yes, I understand a mother's grief.
Oh, I must see him again!
And so you will!
We all meet again in the great thereafter.
- I can't wait that long!
- Calm yourself, dear lady.
Let me assure you that when you place him
in the hands of M. Sinflield Limited,
nothing's of too much trouble.
He will receive every possible care
before he ascends to his heavenly reward.
I'm so pleased.
That means he's been well
looked after this last week.
I'm afraid I don't understand.
You've had him here since last Monday,
that's what they told me
down at the public mortuary.
What?
Are you referring to that lousy
council job we got lumbered with?
It's taken you long enough
to turn up, I must say!
I've a good mind to charge you rent!
What do you think this is,
a left luggage office?
Oh, you see, I was scuba diving in the Bahamas
when the tragic news came.
It's been a wonderful season for scubas.
In the Bahamas?
So, if you have been put
through any inconvenience…
oh, dear madam…
M. Sinfield Limited are honoured
to have been of service to you.
Now, what further arrangements
can we make on your behalf?
Well, this may sound a little eccentric,
but in our family, it's customary
to hold a wake at the castle.
The castle?
And since darling Reggie is the guest of honour,
we really would like him to be
there, if only for the loyal toast.
I quite understand, quite understand.
And where would you like him delivered?
I rather thought I'd take him with me.
[sniffling]
[moaning]
[dog barking]
Well?
- Is he in there?
- No, he's in there.
Oh my God!
- What are you gonna do?
- I don't know.
That's a finish.
Whatever's on his back is gone out the chimney.
Poor Reggie!
[playful music]
Wait a minute!
Wait a minute!
[fog horn]
[fog horn]
For heaven's sake, keep still
you big baby, why don't you?
Sit down, shan't keep you a tick.
Hello, honky tonk, how are you?
Oh, Charlie! Hello! Gorgeous, gorgeous!
Hello, Vivian darling.
You've not change your mind? You're
not gonna let me do it to you?
I've been after him for years!
Oh, no, don't fancy that.
Oh, go on, let me do that
lovely little hunting scene,
with a little fox going to earth you know where!
No thank you, mate. One tattoo
maniac in the team is enough.
Oh yes, of course, poor old Reggie!
- Yeah.
- Heard about him on the bus.
I had to come straight and have a
lie down. He was a lovely boy!
Good customer of yours too!
Just about the best.
His torso was a testimonial to my work.
Pity your work wasn't fire-proof.
Dear, you're gonna have to
stop twitching that muscle.
You're gonna ruin everything.
Sorry love, you were saying?
I was just wondering if uh…
Reggie'd been 'round here lately.
He was hardly ever out of the place,
four times in less than a month.
Same old routine, I suppose?
Girls' names and telephone numbers, yes.
On his back?
No, it was on his arm.
- On his arm?
- Hm, yes.
Most emphatic about that, he
was. Had to be on his arm.
The last four times he comes in,
he brings a bird. Wants hearts
tattooed on them as well.
- What did you put in them?
- In the hearts?
I can't remember, dear, numbers,
letters, some sloppy love code.
- D'you remember what it was?
- Afraid not, dear, didn't mean anything.
D'you remember the girls' names?
Why should I? You know me dear, hardly my scene.
Oh, blimey!
Oh, darling, look, you've made
me spell "mother" with two T's!
I suppose I'll have to turn it into a butterfly.
Well, I give him full marks for cunning.
Having the account numbers
tattooed on those four birds!
How did he get away with it?
- Away with what?
- Talking the birds into being tattooed.
Oh, you wouldn't understand
cause you're a fella.
But Reggie, oh, he was something special.
That proves one thing.
He wasn't boasting when he said he
could charm the drawers off a nun.
I wish you'd stop doing that.
Doing what?
Flicking your ash on top of poor Reggie.
Afraid he'll put on weight?
That's a terrible thing to say!
Come on, love.
I'm gonna move you out of harm's way.
Too late.
He's not in there.
I knocked him over yesterday.
He's in the hoover.
What?
It's all right, I'm only joking.
Bloody fine joke that is!
Poor darling!
If only I could find out
who those four birds were!
Look at him.
Got more birds on his chest than
Nelson's got on his column!
- Where are you going?
- [he clicks his tongue]
Oh, sorry.
[playful music]
Libby, I found it!
- [Charlie] Liza.
- [Libby] Yes.
[Charlie] O, four, two o.
Seven one four one,
Jane, seven, seven, nine,
five, four, one, eight.
[he laughs]
"I put it on the back of the lavatory door"!
That's what he meant.
- Simple when you know it!
- Yeah!
Oh!
Jo, Patsy, Liza and Jane!
Four phone numbers with four tattoos!
Oh, old darling Reggie!
- There's only one thing, then.
- What's that?
How do I get to look at their tattoos?
[phone ringing]
Five eight four, four nine three nine?
Could I speak to miss Jo err… Jo…
Jo Mason, speaking.
Who is it? I'm in a hurry.
My name is Partridge
of Peabody, Patridge and Priestly solicitors.
I wondered if we could have a chat.
What about?
I've got a bus to catch.
I'm afraid it's rather personal.
Is it? Come to my place of employment, then.
Oh! And where is that?
Waterloo station!
Yes but where about…?
Oh.
[sigh]
[soft music]
[announcer] The train
now standing at platform seven
is for Gilford, Haslemere, Halvant,
Bedhamption and Potsmouth.
We apologize for the late running
of the train due at 9:43 from South Hampton.
-This train is running ten
- [knock]
minutes late.
Oh!
- Ah, Miss Mason.
- [Jo] You gave me a start!
Miss Jo Mason?
That's right, who are you?
I'm mister Partridge, I phoned you.
I don't know what you want, but
only staff are allowed here.
There's no cause for alarm, I can assure you.
I am in fact the bearer of glad tidings.
Oh, yes?
The train now standing at platform 12
is the 9:53 for Brookwood and Aldershot.
What sort of glad tidings?
I'm acting on behalf of our late client,
Mr. Reginald Campbell Peek.
Oh, Reggie!
Oh, oh he was a darling!
Oh, he had the biggest…
the biggest heart I've ever known!
It nearly broke me up when I
heard about his accident.
[buzzing]
Hello?
Oh, right.
British rail regret to announce
that the ten seve
to Sherpperton has been cancelled.
- You see, Jackson? They do care!
- Yes!
Now, now, Miss Mason!
- Please, don't upset yourself.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
It's just that I was rather
fond of Reggie, you see?
And he in his turn, dear lady, did
hold a deal of affection for you.
What makes you think so?
Well, the fact that he's left you
a considerable sum in his will.
- Reggie?
- Hmm hmm.
- He left me some money?
- Yes.
Oh! Say!
- [buzzing]
- [groan]
Hello?
All right.
If somebody's lost a kid he's
at station management office.
How much?
Before I divulge the amount,
I must satisfy myself as Executor
that you are indeed the Jo
Mason named in the will.
Oh, I am!
I can show you my driving license.
Yes, I believe there's a more
positive means of identification.
Am I right?
Who told you?
Well…
We'd had a few drinks, you see.
I'd never let him do it if we hadn't had.
Ten fifteen non-stop to Portsmouth
will depart on platform 14.
A certain tattoo mark,
if I'm not mistaken. If I
ould just have a little peek?
You want me to show you my bum? Oh!
So that's where it is!
On your bottom!
I might have guessed.
You see the problem.
I do indeed.
And your modesty does you credit.
But for ten thousand pounds…
Ten…
No, I'm not that sort of girl.
Well, why don't we go for a few drinks?
No, once is enough!
- Hello Jo, sorry I'm a bit late.
- Hello, Grace.
The train now standing at platform eight
is for all stations to Virginia Water.
I think I might have the
answer to our little problem.
Come with me.
See? You could take a picture of it.
A picture?
- How could I do that?
- You could, uh, kneel on the stool.
Oh no, I couldn't do that!
Ten thousand pounds?
I haven't got any change.
I have.
- I say…
- Yes?
Up on the stool I can't reach down
to put the money in the slot.
You get into position, and I'll put it in.
[Jo] All right, ready.
Can I come out, now?
No, stay where you are.
I want to see the picture to
make sure you didn't move.
Good god!
Oh, it's the wife.
She's taking her passport picture.
- Passport?
- Yes, we're going down under.
Oh my God, there's four of them,
all with tattoos on their bums!
Dirty old Reggie!
We'll just have one more.
This time, try not to smile.
If our mother could see you now,
she'd be turning in her grave!
Sid Sabbath!
[ominous music]
You, out.
[he groans]
Oh, Arthur, why did you let me do this? I
could have hurt Mr. Tully, couldn't I?
Honestly, I didn't know Jo was your sister.
- She told me her name…
- You listen!
I hate to admit this, but
I'm a bastard, you know.
Are you, really?
Yeah, in more ways than one!
[he groans]
What are you gonna do to me?
You are gonna play your part
in helping to solve British traffic problems.
By becoming one of the main
supporters of this new flyover.
Only one thing to say to
you: get stuffed, Welsh git!
[all groaning]
Come on, Mr. Sabbath, you know you
can't stand the sight of blood.
It's a shame, he should've
got people around him.
Nothing personal, Charlie.
I've always admired your work.
You shouldn't have upset
him. You know how he is.
Go up.
[mysterious music]
Go on, there.
Don't be scared, Charlie. You
won't be on your own down there.
Just a minute, Arthur.
I've got a proposition to make. How
would you like a quarter of a million?
Quarter of a million? Nice.
- Turn your back and it's yours.
- Where will you get it?
You see, me and Reggie
we had a way with half a million quid.
We knew this Italian bloke,
took him down to the Palace,
and we arranged for his son
to marry Princess Anne.
You don't believe me.
No, Charlie.
But I gotta admire you keep
on trying right to the death.
Which reminds me…
Hang on a minute.
Could I have a few words with my maker?
[mysterious music]
Arthur?
Arthur?
[he screams]
[he groans]
What's taking so long?
- Don't ask me.
- Come on.
Arthur?
Arthur?
Arthur?
[mysterious music]
That was a nice tribute.
There's only one thing I've got to say.
Get Charlie Tully.
Ah.
Oy!
- What's wrong with the letter box?
- Piss off!
[honking]
[ominous Italian music]
[cat meowing]
[ticking]
[he meows]
[object falling]
[cat meowing]
I gave him the old yoo-hoo, Mr. Sabbath.
He should be down for the cow
juice any second, just in time.
Right.
Another bloody disaster!
Do you realise Mr. Tully's
become an expensive proposition?
And apart from everything else,
I'll have this suit cleaned.
No, I can't explain it over the
telephone, it's rather a delicate matter.
Look, Mr. Patridge, I'm extremely sorry
to hear about Reggie's accident.
- [Charlie] You're sorry?
- Yes, of course.
But I haven't got the time to see you.
You've picked a very inopportune moment.
I'm getting married tomorrow and
leaving immediately for South America.
Er, on holiday?
No, to live.
Oh, for good!
Yes. Good bye.
Good bye.
Poor old Reggie.
[a coocoo calls]
I shall always remember him.
[indistinct chatter]
Harper's.
Thank you, sir.
- Vogue.
- Thank you sir.
Exchange 1 Mart.
Thank you, sir.
It's as nice as Barbados.
- Oh?
- Hope you're very happy.
- Thank you.
- Congratulations.
Thank you.
It can't be any worse!
[indistinct chatter]
ladies and gentlemen.
Would you please step back for a
moment so the press can take pictures
of the happy couple?
[journalist] Happy faces, now.
Ah.
[journalist 2] Perfect. Again.
Turn this way, please.
[journalist] That's it, perfect.
[she giggles]
[she gasps]
Later, darling, later!
[journalist] Smile! Thank you.
May I wish you every happiness
and a fruitful union.
Thank you.
Come on, darling, we ought to circulate.
[indistinct chatter]
[bride] Hello.
There you are. There's your picture.
Thanks, you've done a good job.
They don't call me the Cecil
Beaton of false passport racket
for nothing, you know!
Now, let's see what we've got.
How you could do such a thing
to a girl on her wedding
day, I really don't know!
Look, it was my half-million
knicker against a pair of hers.
Something had to give.
Here, Q U E six two eight,
D E C three eight four.
- What's that mean?
- I have no clue.
I won't know until I get the other two.
Who's the next lucky lady?
Liza.
Lady Missenden Green's
daughter of Thornley Manor.
I wonder if they're off for staff!
[mouthing]
He's arrived, my lady.
- Shall I ask him to come
- Certainly, Parker.
in?
Isn't it nice to think after all these years
we've got a butler again?
Will you come in, please?
Ah, good morning, madam. All right
young lady, you can go now.
- [she gasps]
- [he snickers]
Madam?
I'm lady Penelope Missenden Green.
Oh, I'm James Maynard Kitchener Lampwick.
[wheezing]
Good, I'm in time for coffee.
Liza, this is Lampwick, our new butler.
- Oh, hello.
- Nice to mee you, miss.
I gather from your references
that you've been in service
with distinguished families.
Oh, yes, my lady. I think I can safely say
that I'm familiar with most
of the big country seats.
Though there are one or two I have
yet to become acquainted with.
[playful music]
[gasp]
[he groans]
[moaning in pain]
[moaning]
[groaning]
[groaning]
- [sigh]
- [a car honks]
[honking]
Oh, Mr. Van Cleef!
- How very nice.
- Lady Missenden.
This is Liza, my daughter.
- How do you do?
- Miss Liza.
Lampwick will see to your bags.
Do come in.
Nice little place you've got here.
And would you believe it, on that Tuesday,
the Vanderbilts arrived, one
of them stayed on the yacht,
and we had already invited Richard
and Liz and the Rockefellers.
Oh, how very embarrassing!
- Smoked trout, your Ladyship?
- Very good, Lampwick.
- None for me, thank you.
- [Van Cleef] You know what pappy did?
He went right out and bought another yacht.
- [Liza] Did he really?
- [Lady Penelope] Lampwick!
I'd like some smoked trout after all.
[Van Cleef] Like he said, you
can't disappoint friends
for the sake of a lousy half million bucks.
You know, darling, Arnold's father
was a good friend of daddy's,
whilst daddy was in the States.
- Oh, was he?
- Yes, sir!
[Lady Penelope] Some horseradish sauce!
[Van Cleef] He said "Listen here, Arnie,
"when you land in England,
give lady Missenden a call."
Well, I'm so glad he did!
Yes.
Thank you, Lampwick.
You were quite right to do so, Arnold.
I said to Liza: "we don't see
enough young people at the Manor."
We certainly don't, Mother.
- Thank you, ma'am. Miss Liza.
- No horseradish sauce, thank you.
Is this your first visit to England, Arnold?
[Van Cleef] For some time, yes.
I've been in the Middle East
looking after our oil interests.
I'd like some more wine, please, Lampwick.
And do serve Mr. Van Cleef with his trout.
Of course, Arnold, the strange thing
is, I can't for the life of me
recall my husband speaking of your father.
Well, ma'am, believe me, they were buddies.
I can't think of any other word
for it, real close buddies.
And my pappy's gonna bust out crying when
he hears his Lordship has passed on.
How very touching.
Especially since they had this
big scheme going for them.
A scheme?
I daresay you heard tale of
Captain Morgan's last treasure
in the Caribbean.
Lampwick!
Oh, I do beg your pardon, your Ladyship.
The bird's gone out of control.
Show how fresh it is.
Naughty girl!
I'm so sorry, Arnold.
Now, you were telling me about
Captain Morgan's treasure.
Surely, my husband didn't
believe in its existence?
Not at first, like my pappy, but
the map finally convinced them.
- The map?
- Sharing the location of the island.
But how did they know it was genuine?
- That's the very question I asked.
- Well?
Pappy submitted it in the
National Physical Laboratory,
and they gave it a carbon test.
Sixteen sixty-five, within a year or two.
- Fascinating!
- The ink was 40% oak gall.
On parchment from the Capretto goat.
Exactly what you'd expect, of course.
Let's not kid ourselves with three
and a half million pounds at stake!
[Charlie whispers along] Give
or take a hundred thousand.
You gotta invest to get every little thing.
[Van Cleef] Come in.
Oh.
I thought you'd like a
night cap before retiring.
That's very kind of you, Lampwick.
Tell me now, would you say
this Picasso is genuine?
Oh, yes indeed, sir. Everything
in this house is genuine.
With one or two small exceptions.
- A touch of soda, sir?
- Just a splash.
- How's that, sir?
- It's perfect.
Up your kilt.
What do you think you're doing? Who
the hell do you think you are?
I know who I am, sir. Question is, who are you?
I'm Arnold Van Cleef, son of Jeremiah Van Cleef,
of Houston, Texas.
Cobblers.
The nearest you've come to Texas
is watching Bonanza on the telly.
How dare you, sir!
I listened to you downstairs working
that Captain Morgan treasure
routine, I've never heard it done worse.
What?
You can't con a con-man, old son!
I practically invented that spiel!
The name's Tully.
- You may have heard of me.
- Tully?
- Not Charlie Tully?
- One and the same.
God, blimey, what a snook I am!
I've heard lads talk about
you with bated breath!
- The king of the conners!
- I've pulled a few naughty ones.
Sorry about this, Mr. Tully,
if I'd known this was your mark I
wouldn't have come within a mile!
That's all right.
I'm glad you're here.
- Are you?
- Yeah.
As a matter of interest,
what would you take her for?
Well, I thought up to about ten grands.
Believe me, they'll stand it for 25,
and you're welcome to all of it.
- You mean it?
- Course! I don't want to queer your pitch.
I always heard you were a good one.
- Ta.
- That's all right, son.
- Jut do me a small favour.
- Anything, Mr. Tully, anything.
Here.
Do you know how to use one of these?
[Liza sings drunkenly]
♪ If I were a marrying girl
Which, Thank the Lord… ♪
Miss Liza, you'll wake your mother!
Nothing'll wake the old battle axe.
She's got so much…
[she trails off and sighs] Arnie!
I bet you had lovely calves
when you were a young footman.
That's right, miss.
Arnie! [gasps]
Get up.
Come on, get in there.
Don't make me do it.
I'm a married man!
She and her mother had nothing
to eat and drink since breakfast
that hasn't been spiked with vodka.
Supposing she don't fancy me?
All I've had is a couple of brown
ales and I'm beginning to fancy you!
Now go on, get in there! Go on!
[bell rings]
[giggling inside]
[giggling]
[muttering]
Here it is, darling.
It's probably under exposed.
On the contrary.
[muttering]
- [she mumbles]
- [he laughs]
[unintelligible conversation]
[rooster crows]
[he groans]
He's on his way.
[honking]
[solemn music]
[Charlie] Q.U.E, six, two, eight,
D.E.C, three, eight, four,
O.M.O, one, two, nine.
No! Without Jane's tattoo,
it still doesn't make sense.
Hello, love.
Did he do it for me?
Oh, that's nice!
Nevermind asking how my poor old Wally is.
Oh, how's Wal? And did he do it?
You forget he's doing bird.
It's not as easy as all that!
You said he could do it! He's
working in the printing shop?
You're not his only customer,
he's up to there with orders!
Oh, God.
Anyway, there you are.
There's the letter, and there's the certificate.
Hey, that's great!
He hasn't lost his touch!
No, but if I'd had my way
he wouldn't have done them.
You're really sticking your
neck out this time Charlie.
What, I've got you, haven't I? One
more number, with any luck, I'm away!
Oh! Well,
you know how I've always felt about Reggie.
But how he could lower himself to get mixed up
with a girl who earns her living
in that place, I'll never know.
[playful music]
There.
So! Your senior officer wants you
through a quick refresher course, eh?
- That's right ma'am.
- Hmm.
She must think you have an extra
something the other girls haven't got.
She could be right, ma'am.
It's an unusual request in the
middle of a training programme, but…
we'll see. Do sit down.
Thank you, ma'am.
- I see you're from the Y division.
- Err, yes.
Tell me, how's old Bingo Henderson getting on?
Oh, er, comme ci, comme ça,
I believe.
Still in hospital, last I heard.
You mean after the accident?
That's a rotten thing to call the
kid! I thought she meant to have it.
Ah, let's see.
Ah, there's a spare bed in
Dormitory A. We'll put you there.
Oh, thank you, ma'am.
You'd better pop along and let the
medical officer have look at you.
Oh, I was done before I came.
- Oh! Jolly good, jolly good.
- Yes.
Anyway, you'll find after a
few days of regular meals
and healthy exercise, you'll
feel like a new woman.
I practically already do, ma'am.
[bell ringing]
Be a lamb and give a hand, the thing's stuck.
Yes.
Pleasure.
Thanks dear, I'll do you a favour some tome.
I'll bear that in mind.
I don't think we've met.
I'm Mandy Dunnit.
- Y division.
- Jane Seton.
Oh, so you're Jane!
- Well, well, well!
- What do you mean?
Oh, it's nothing.
Except I had a message for a
girl called Jane, that's all.
Not Jane Seton.
Oh.
Perhaps it was Jane Cartwright over there.
Hi!
No, that wasn't the name.
Jane Turner?
Somebody called?
No, that doesn't ring a bell.
Are there many girls called
Jane about the place?
Not as far as I know.
Fancy a slug?
No thanks.
It's all right, I'm not driving.
Lights should've been out five minutes ago.
[slow, playful music]
[heavy sigh]
[sigh]
[groans]
[grunting]
[moaning]
Oh!
[sigh]
[instructor] Come on girls, quickly now!
Fall in in two ranks facing me.
[panting]
What are you panting for?
We've only done five miles!
You may have to chase a villain
much further than that!
Silly bitch!
Hasn't she ever heard of squad cars?
Breaking into astride jumping.
Raising the arms to she shoulders…
go!
Running on the spot.
Begin.
Now, girls,
vaulting practise!
Front rank. Follow me!
Splendid.
Good!
Come along, Mandy, no hanging back!
Good girl.
Now, sprint!
[deflated music]
Next exercise,
rope climbing.
Fall in in three ranks behind me.
Now,
I shall show you a very simple technique,
and then I want you all to have a go.
Right?
Now, wrap your right foot
around the rope like so,
grip with your left foot,
hands high on the rope,
and climb.
The rope must be allowed to
slide easily between the thighs
with each upward thrust.
Notice how I'm locking on with my feet
while my hands reach up for another pull.
Naughty old Reggie!
He was having it off with teacher!
In your occupation,
a knowledge of self-defence
is of paramount importance.
I'll just demonstrate a few
more simple throws. Now,
this is how to deal with an assailant
armed with a knife, attacking from the front.
Right, you're next.
Hop, and…
Ah!
Now, let's have someone else.
Miss?
Now,
this is how to disarm a man with a gun.
Good.
[she grunts]
Jump over, and…
[he groans]
All right!
All right!
[he grunts]
Now listen…
[he screams]
[Charlie] Ow!
[groaning]
[grunting]
[moaning]
- Are you all right?
- I think so.
I'll say one thing for you, you've got guts.
Thank you, Miss.
- Do you want to rest?
- No, I'll have another go.
Good girl!
I'll give you a chance to get your own back.
Jane, fetch me the truncheon.
Thank you.
Now,
when I say "right",
I want you to attack me with that truncheon.
Don't worry, you won't get in, right?
Oh!
[playful music]
[swooning]
Oh!
[Charlie whispers] B.A.N.O, three, one.
B.A.N.O, three, one. B.A.N.O three, one.
[playful music]
[Charlie sings in the shower]
Banque de Como, Zurich, O three one,
six two eight, three eight four, one two nine.
Hm! He's have gone off without it.
[singing continues]
- Charlie?
- Yes?
I've packed everything, including your socks.
But I've gotta warn you, they're not aired.
Righto. You're a good girl, Libby.
What will I do without you?
[sniffling]
Now, what's the matter?
- What have I said?
- Well, it's all over, innit?
You got what you wanted. Now you're
off and I won't see you again.
Blimey, you make it sound like I was
leaving you with a bun in the oven!
May I remind you that our relationship
has always been strictly platonic?
Oh, shut up!
- You know what I mean.
- Of course I do.
Don't worry. I'll be back.
- I'll tell you what…
- What?
You'll be able to hold Wal's
coming out party in your own pub.
Oh!
Bless you, Charlie!
Hey!
Sid Sabbath's got a red Bentley, hasn't he?
That's right, love.
- What made you say that?
- Nothing, there's one parked opposite.
Is there?
Oh!
I wonder what they want all that acid for!
Probably want to get rid of a body!
[ominous music]
I don't like the look of this, Lib.
- Pass me those binoculars.
- Here.
Oh my God! It's him!
And right on the last knockings!
How the hell am I gonna get out of here alive?
[ominous music]
- So long, love.
- Bye-bye, Hetty.
Send a postcard to let me know you're safe.
I will.
Look after yourself.
[mouthing]
[sigh]
- Ta, thanks very much.
- Thank you.
[Charlie] Thank you.
Porter?
- Where to, madam?
- Miss.
- Oh, where to, miss?
- I'm going to Zurich.
You want the Albert Express.
Hurry, it's about to leave.
I must have a ladies only compartment.
- There's a couple on the train.
- Good.
- Going abroad for a bit, are you, miss?
- I've never had any luck over here.
- Have you been on one of these before?
- No.
- I promise you'll have a lovely
- Is that included in the fare?
ide.
Eh?
Are you married?
Yes, I am.
Don't go, I'll give you
something for your trouble.
No, no way!
Oh!
[indistinct announcement]
[she sighs]
[whistle]
Hello, Charlie.
I thought I'd come along and see you off.
Now, look here, Mr. Sabbath, don't be a fool,
you can't do anything with them in here.
- With who in here?
- Them.
Wotcher, Charlie.
Oh my god!
Now, don't you worry, Charlie,
this is soon gonna be all over.
Because we're all going
through a nice, long tunnel.
Well, that is to say,
we're going through it.
You,
you're getting out halfway through.
All right, boys!
Do the light bulbs.
Mr. Sabbath,
I'm sorry about Jo, honestly.
Nothing happened between us, I promise.
Jo? Oh no, Charlie,
I've forgotten all about Jo!
You see, this is something much more personal.
You have been responsible for doing
away with some of my best boys.
Me? I don't know what you're talking about.
Oh, Charlie, you're fibbing again.
I'm not, honestly. Cross
me heart and hope to die.
Your wish is about to be granted.
- [he whimpers]
- Tunnel coming up!
[train honking]
[scuffle]
[train honking]
It's been a great pleasure
to do business with you.
[in German] Goodbye.
[soft music]
[ominous music]
[mysterious Italian music]
See, Signor Tully, you must understand
I am forced to honour my bargain
with Signior Ferucchi.
He wants to see you very quick dead.
But why?
Why? That was only a joke!
He couldn't seriously have believed that
his son was gonna marry Princess Anne!
He did, didn't he?
Believe me, you have no reason to complain,
you have been living on… how you say in English…
on borrowed time.
Your Sid Sabbath could
have killed you many times
had it not been for the
protection of my organisation.
But I didn't know that, did I?
It was going on behind my back.
I couldn't even enjoy it.
Carlo.
Outside. Not in front of the children.
Don Luigi.
- Can I say something?
- Si.
The world is full of rich gullible men, right?
Pigeons ripe for the plucking?
Yes. The world is full of such people.
Well, me, Charlie Tully,
I've got a God-given talent for
separating rich people from their money.
I don't know what it is, but I've got it!
They believe whatever I say!
Yes, there is much evidence for what you say.
Then, surely, as a business man,
you're not gonna kill the goose
that lays these golden eggs
for a mere matter of personal revenge!
I mean,
with your organisation and my genius,
this stuff would be chicken feed!
[in Italian] One moment, Carlo.
Let the gentleman continue.
[Italian music]
Reverend Father,
we sure were lucky meeting
up with you like this.
We might never have known
they're rebuilding St Peter's!
Yes.
And it is only because of the rebuilding
that we are able even to contemplate
parting with the Sistine Chapel.
Well, Reverend Father, all I can say is
we'd give it a good home
right beside London Bridge
in Arizona U.S.A.
Oh yes, but you do understand
that the transaction cannot be completed
until we receive a sign from above.
It is agreed! [chuckles]
[in Italian] Congratulations,
sir. Congratulations.
[they chuckle]
Now I believe the figure mentioned
was somewhere in the region of
twenty million dollars? [he laughs]
[playful music]
[playful music]
[playful music]
[indistinct chatter]
- Oh, excuse me, miss?
- Oh, hello.
Could you help me? I'm looking for
the Queen's picture collection.
Oh, it's along there, it's marvellous.
- You're interested in painting, are you?
- Yes.
My boyfriend paints in oils.
Does he really?
I expect he's done you dozens of times.
Pardon?
In all kinds of positions.
Oh, you are awful!
But I like you.
[chuckles]
[groans]
[playful jazz music]
- Thank you Sir.
- Thank you.
[she screams]
You dirty little beast, you!
[they both scream]
[hubbub]
[shouting] Madam, madam, please!
[she keeps shouting]
Spot of bother going on there.
[shouting continues]
[she sobs]
[moaning]
Put the lady in a taxi, Wilson.
Yes, I will.
Ah.
Has his Royal Highness written you?
Who, me, Sir? No, sir.
Damn! Probably still with Her Majesty.
- Now, look here, Smithson…
- Price, sir.
Oh yes, of course. Price.
Now, listen carefully…
We're expecting two very important persons
who'll be escorted by the Head
of Protocol, Foreign Office.
Foreign Office, yes sir.
Now, for reasons which you
will not expect me to go into,
they will be entering through
the Picture Gallery.
Now, as soon as they arrive,
I want you to show them straight through.
Through that door, there.
- That room's always kept locked.
- Yes.
- Except when it's required
- Very good, sir.
by me.
Who will they be asking for, sir?
Discretion, man. Discretion.
[playful music]
I believe you're expecting me.
Yes sir. Are you the Head of Protocol?
- That's right. Did Sir Charles…
- Sir Charles?
Oh yes, yes sir, indeed.
And I can take you straight
through. Right this way, sir.
[knocking]
Enter.
- The gentlemen you were expe
- Ah, Beaumont, my dear chap.
ting.
Good morning, Sir Charles.
May I introduce Signor Vittorio
Ferruchi and his son Emilio?
Sir Charles.
Delighted.
Eh, Beaumont?
Ah.
Do sit down, gentlemen.
Here you are.
I must apologise for having brought
you in through the Gallery,
but as you'll appreciate,
since it is a matter of extreme delicacy,
you could hardly use the front door.
Please, we quite understand.
So this is the young man who's
going to marry our princess Anne.
May I express the great joy
of the Ferruchi family
at this tremendous honour.
We are overwhelmed over our good fortune.
Well, Signor, the Foreign Office feels
a closer link with Italy is desirable
in view of our impending entry
into the Common Market.
Isn't that so, Sir Charles?
Oh, absolutely, dear boy.
Bearing in mind that the
Greeks and the Germans are
already pretty well represented
in the Royal Family.
That is a good boy.
You're going to play for Italy.
Quite.
Which brings us to what one
might call the transfer fee.
[in Italian] What?
The marriage settlement.
Oh, yes, yes.
Seems a pity that sordid finance should enter
into a matter of this nature, but,
in view of the difficulties Her Majesty
is having with her wage claim,
and the expense of a royal wedding…
I can assure you the Archbishop of
Canterbury does not come cheap!
[chuckles] You'll understand.
Please, say no more.
I'm only too happy to oblige.
Emilio's future mamma in law!
After all, Signor, the sum involved is trifling
in view of the enormous publicity
reflecting on the Ferruchi car empire.
Quite a substantial fringe benefit.
You have brought the five hundred…
thousand pounds with you?
Yes. In negotiable bonds.
Thank you, Signor.
You'll understand why we couldn't
possibly have accepted a cheque.
If news of this transaction
leaked out, we'd be besieged
with offers for Prince Charles.
I now expect you're anxious to
meet the young lady in question.
So, if you'll excuse me a moment.
[in Italian] Emilio, stay
put. What's gotten into you?
Kids…
Good morning, your Royal Highness.
Oh, thank you, ma'am.
Yes, they are here.
I should say about…
Six foot tall, sixty in colour.
Rather sorely, naturally.
Oh, we will, Ma'am.
We'll be done in five minutes.
Yes.
Yes, but of course, ma'am. [chuckles]
Oh yes, we quite understand.
Naturally, we will.
Gentlemen, as this meeting is
something of a family affair,
her Royal Highness has suggested
that Beaumont and I should withdraw.
So, if you'll excuse us.
I wish you every happiness on
this most auspicious occasion.
Please, sir!
What do I say to the princess?
Ah, just talk about horses.
She'll be good for a couple of hours.
[light, playful music]
[sigh]
Ah, a taxi. Taxi!
[breaks squeaking]
[indistinct chatter]
Can't you keep your mind off
birds' bums for five minutes?
I shall invest a great deal of this
in a great deal of that, old boy.
Come on!
[muttering indistinctly in Italian]
In English, Emilio! Practise your English.
Two hours we wait for the
princess. Where is she, hm?
Be patient, my son.
She's a very busy young lady.
Maybe she's preparing a little surprise for us.
Like a lordship for your papa, eh?
- Lord Ferruchi di Calabria.
- [bark]
[drumroll]
[barking]
Emilio, bow to your future mamma in law.
- [grandiose music]
- [barking]
[playful music]
Woah!
Hm!
Cheers. Yeah.
I don't know how you two get
away with it, I really don't.
What a mug that Eytie must be.
Oh, don't knock him, love. I'd
like half a dozen more like him.
Hey, look at that.
You wouldn't think them bits of
paper are worth half a million!
My God, and all in one go!
I don't suppose my Wal had over a
couple thousands in his whole career.
Your Wal's usually inside, darling.
There's not a lot of profit
in 14 luncheon vouchers.
No, maybe not, but I'll say one thing for it
we've always eaten well.
[both chuckle]
He's got another 18 months to do?
- Yes, with good behaviour.
- You won't be on your own for long.
- No. Mind you…
- Hm?
I don't know where I'm gonna find
another couple of tenants like you two.
- [man singing]
- I'm gonna miss you both.
Especially him.
Libby, my darling!
Come into my bosom and drink deep from my lips!
[playful screams]
I can't!
I've already had a couple of glasses of bubbly.
If I started drinking your lips I'd go berserk!
She'll have you on the mat in no time!
[giggling] Oh, I would!
I would.
- It's that torso, you see?
- Torso?
With that writing it looks more
like the wall of a public loo!
Oh, look at all them girl's names on there.
Lucky devils!
Raving sex maniacs!
Why don't you keep a little black book?
Little black books get lost, old man.
But with my own skin directory,
I'm never starved for a bird!
I can think of less painful ways.
[Reggie] I give you a toast,
my quarter of a millionaire!
Our benefactors her Majesty the Queen,
God bless her!
I always did support the Royal Family.
And now they're supporting us.
- [chuckles]
- Hey, look at the time!
You two better get a move on.
- Don't miss your plane.
- You're right.
The sooner we get this in a Swiss
bank, the happier I'll be.
Aye.
Now, who shall I go as?
Why not go as yourself? Nobody's looking for us.
Hey, that's a good idea!
[in Italian] Emilio, I swear
on your mother's life,
that wherever they may be…
What a beautiful woman!
[in English] I would have
made a good papa for you!
[in Italian] Let's go.
Oh!
- So sorry.
- Not at all, my fault entirely.
[indistinct announcement]
[the dog whines]
George! Would you just look at that dog?
Isn't he the most darling
thing you've ever seen?
[George] Hm.
[lady] It's the absolute
epitome of everything British.
[George] Hm.
[lady] Won't the children
back home just love him?
[George] They might.
[lady] I'd give 100 dollars for a dog like that.
Maybe even as much as 200.
Excuse me?
Hi. I just heard what you said.
He's a jolly creature, isn't he?
Oh, he is! What's his name?
Er… Winston! Yes, that's it, Winston.
Well, I've always wanted a dog
like that. Does he belong to you?
No, no.
Damn shame, really. No, he belongs to my cousin,
Duke of Crowbra.
We came to the airport to
meet him, didn't we, Winston?
[the dog barks]
but I'm afraid we've had some tragic news.
His Grace won't be coming back.
Out on safari, in Nepal,
clobbered by a tiger.
Always was a rotten sort.
Oh, how dreadful!
Yes, I'm afraid Winston's homeless.
Can't take him back to the castle.
Duchess happens to be a cat lover.
Well, if nobody wants him,
could he possibly be for sale?
Good lord!
Never thought about it, really.
Possibly might be.
[gasp] George, I just gotta have that dog!
How much?
It's almost like selling one of the family.
I don't know what to say.
How 'bout 100 dollars?
How 'bout 200?
George!
Thanks very much.
[snickers]
Well, bye-bye, Winston old cha…
…girl.
- Always remember, you're British.
- [dog growls]
[he chuckles]
Come on, bring the dog, Mabel.
Here we go.
Thank you, bye.
[George] Bring the dog.
Come on, Winston. Come on.
[announcer] B.E.A announce departure
of their flight 201 to Zurich.
Will passengers please proceed to gate 940?
- [announce continues]
- [barking and commotion]
[the man screams]
[screaming continues]
[George shouting indistinctly]
[shouting continues]
There he is! That's the man
from whom I bought this dog!
You come down here!
[Mabel] Come on, now!
[they all shout]
- [George] I paid 200 dollars
- [heavy sigh]
for this dog!
[judge] Charles Henry Irving Tully,
we find the case against you true.
In view of the despicable nature of the offense,
which has sullied the name of this country
in the eyes of our overseas visitors,
and even more important,
outraged the feelings of
every British dog lover.
We are sending you to prison for six months.
[barking]
Quiet, my darling. In a moment.
Do you understand?
Six months.
[dog barking]
[Italian music]
[in Italian] Now, see, Don Luigi…
[in Italian] Ah, look at him. Isn't he precious?
[in Italian] So beautiful
he's a credit to your honour.
[cooing]
[rattling]
[crying]
[in Italian] What's wrong,
my boy, what have you done?
There, there…
[in Italian] How should we proceed?
[in Italian] Very well,
Vittorio. Consider it done.
Thank you, Don Luigi, Thank you.
Goodbye.
See ya!
- [pigeons cooing]
- [door unlocking]
- [warder] All right, Tully, on
- [door closing]
your feet.
Here you are, Charlie.
Forty Embassy, two Kitkat, and a Tofee Crisper.
Ta.
I'll put them on your account, all right?
Have you thought about
picking a crew for the boat?
The boat?
Yeah.
Can't go to the island where Morgan
buried the treasure without.
Oh, that boat!
Don't go worrying yourself
about minor details, old son,
leave all that to me.
I can't stop thinking about it.
Three-and-a-half million
buried in gold and jewels!
Give or take a hundred thousand.
When we split it down the
middle it can't be bad, eh?
Keep your voice down.
D'you reckon there'll be pearls…
I think I'd like a bit of chicken for dinner.
Yeah. All right, Charlie.
With chips.
Here, are you absolutely certain
that map's genuine?
I told you it was handed over to
the National Physical Laboratory
who gave it a carbon test.
1665, within a year or to.
Did I mention the ink was found
to be 40% oak gall on parchment
from the Capretto goat? Exactly
what you'd expect, of course.
They can't fool you!
You're sure right, mate!
Oh, I forgot what I came for.
Your solicitor's here to see you.
[warder] Prisoner Tully to the interview room!
[door closes]
- Prisoner Tully, sir.
- Oh, there you are!
Tully, sit down, will you?
Thank you, officer.
Now then, Tully, I've spoken
to your mother and she…
You must be the stupidest
bloody idiot I've ever met!
We could've been living it up
with a quarter of a million
and you go and get yourself
nicked for a lousy 200 bucks!
I can't help it.
You know me.
With some people it's booze,
with me, it's my big mouth.
If there was a con-men anonymous I'd joint it.
How about the way you go
chasing after the birds!
I don't let them interfere with business.
I said I'm sorry, what should I do, grovel?
Yes!
I'd have cleared off and left you to rot
but for the fact that I knew
you'd have shoved me to the law.
You wouldn't, you're my mate.
I would.
If you had, I'd have shoved you to the law.
That would be a bit damn silly, wouldn't it,
I'm the only one who knows which
Swiss bank the money's in
and the number of the account.
Fancy thinking I'd shove an old pal like you
to the law!
Right.
Now you better memorize the bank and the number.
- Don't tell me!
- Why not?
I talk in my bloody sleep, that's why.
Every villain in the nick
would have that number.
Be running day trips from Dartmoor to Zurich.
Why would I have the responsibility
of being the only one who knows?
Suppose I had an accident, get
knocked down or something?
Look, I'll be out of here in
another five weeks' time.
In the meantime there's only one
thing I can suggest: stay in bed.
- [bells ringing]
- [dogs barking]
[warder] Hang on, Charlie.
I haven't put down this morning's fags yet.
And there's a double portion
of chicken and chips.
That's half a quid today, Charlie!
- I can't keep this up, you
- Oh dear, oh dear.
know?
No wonder you're still a working screw.
Worrying over a few quids
when in a couple of months
you'll get that treasure!
You'll have enough money to own your prison.
It's not me, it's the missus!
It comes out of her housekeeping.
She's lost two and a half
stones since you're here.
All right, suit yourself!
You wanna pull out, OK by me.
I'll have a chat with the Governer.
He strikes me as a practical lad.
No Charlie, please! Forget I said anything.
- Sure?
- Positive, certain!
What are you gonna do about getting me a daily?
- Ah.
- I can't go on working myself to death.
I have to save my strength for diving.
That treasure's 40 foot down.
That gold's as heavy as lead.
I've got someone for you.
- You'll have to bung him
- Fair enough.
a few fags.
How 'bout 20 a day?
That's very generous of you.
See to it and shove it on my bill.
Oh god!
Oh, Charlie?
Get him to polish your boots, will you?
Don't put them outside for me, looks obvious.
All right Mancini, in you come.
[mysterious music]
This is Mancini, Charlie.
He'll be happy to oblige.
[in Italian] Good evening, Mr. Tully.
Evening.
I'll be off, then.
[Charlie] Wait.
Get rid of that, will you?
[door closes and locks]
[Charlie mumbles in his sleep]
Pleasure to meet you, Signor Ferruchi.
[mumbling]
Oh… what a stroke…
he'll never fall for it.
[mysterious music]
[Charlie] Signor Ferruchi…
[sigh]
Welcome to the palace.
[snoring]
Half a million…
For a bulldog.
Ridiculous!
[Charlie mumbles]
[snoring]
[mumbling]
[bells ringing]
There you are, Tully.
This is it, Charlie.
Tuesday fortnight.
Pier 17, Hamble River Marina.
Yes, right, yeah.
Pity we had to let some of the others in.
Huh? Oh yeah, yeah.
Still, it's got a cost if you
wanna get that treasure.
Here, and, uh,
here's 20 from the Chaplain.
Couldn't keep him out.
I hope he didn't rob the poor box.
We don't want divine intervention on this lark.
Well, Tuesday fortnight then, Charlie.
- Cheerio.
- By the way…
I never did find out. What's your surname?
Burke. Prison officer Burke.
[mysterious music]
[man] Pst!
Hello, Reg!
Why are you wearing dark glasses?
You got your collar turned up!
- Why are we hurrying?
- Shut up and keep walking.
[dog barking]
why are we walking, where's the car?
Can't use the car, too risky.
What are you on about?
I paid my debt to society,
I've got nothing to fear.
I know but I have.
Look, look, slow down a minute, slow down!
Don't forget I haven't had much exercise lately.
What's all this about?
When I saw you five weeks ago you told
me to take it steady and stay in bed.
- Yes?
- Well I took your advice.
But not on my own.
What's new?
The chick in question forgot
to mention she's the sister
of a gentleman called Mr. Sabbath.
So she's got a brother. What
difference does that make?
All these birds got brothers, why should…
Sabbath?
Not Sid Sabbath?
- Don't panic!
- You're the biggest bloody idiot I've met.
Get away from me, stupid git!
Sid Sabbath!
Oh God! The mob he runs
makes you pay brothers in blood
for bedding their sisters!
He'll have you killed!
I know.
[ominous music]
All right, Arthur, my boy, you know what to do.
Right, Mr. Sabbath.
- And that's not all.
- Can there be any more?
Somebody's onto us.
- Not the law?
- No, of course not.
They tipped the flat over three times,
and they went through the
place with a tooth comb.
Who the hell could it have been?
It's someone who knows we've pulled the
palace job, they're after the bread.
You'd never be mad enough
to leave it in the flat.
No, but they're looking for a clue
as to where we've stashed it.
You're hardly likely to put that on record!
- As a matter of fact, I did.
- What?
I'm only thinking of you, Charlie.
If anything had happened to
me you'd have lost a lot.
Yeah, come on.
You're telling me you're idiotic enough
to write that bank account number
down in black and white?
Not exactly, no.
Where I put it, nobody will
have guessed, except you.
- How do you mean?
- Well, I put it on the back…
Wait, I feel a bit uneasy
here. All these windows…
Let's go over there.
When I tell you the number, memorize it.
Then we'll leave the country
as quickly as when can.
We'll split up and meet in Switzerland.
Split up is right. I'm not
flying with you, mate.
Sid Sabbath may have plans for you 20 000 feet.
We should be safe here.
Listen carefully and remember.
First, I'll tell you the name of the bank…
Yeah?
Then the number of the account.
Wait a minute, let me concentrate.
Ready.
The name of the bank…
[he gasps]
- [coughing]
- [mysterious music]
What was the name? Reggie?
Wait, Reggie?
Reg!
I thought I had already
explained so that even you,
mutton-headed cretins, would understand.
All right. I'll explain again.
These two fellows have come into
possession of half a million pounds.
We want it. But only they know where it is.
So we must wait
until they lead us to it.
Simple, eh?
Not simple.
Because you have already allowed
one of them to be killed.
Which cuts our chances by half, right?
So listen…
carefully.
The remaining man must be kept alive
until we get our hands on that money.
From now on, your only duty will be to see that
nothing happens to Charlie Tully.
Because…
believe you me,
your own lives depend upon it.
Right?
Good.
[he sighs]
[sniffling]
Any luck, Charlie?
Not even a flaming go fish!
Oh, Reggie, if I could only get my hands on you!
Don't talk to him like that!
Hasn't he been through enough?
Look, love,
in all your life, you have but one great mate.
And mine was Reggie.
Where he is, he don't need the money, but I do!
Money? That's all you think about!
The last thing old Reggie said before
that house hit him on the head
was that he made a record of that bank number.
What exactly did he say?
What were his actual words?
He said he put where nobody
would guess except me.
But you haven't, have you?
"I put in on the back", he said.
That was as far as he got.
My god!
- That's it!
- What?
"I put in on the back", he said.
His back! I'll lay you six to
four that's what he meant!
It's tattooed on his back!
He had a lovely body!
Yes. I'm going to go to that
mortuary a bit smartish!
Claim that lovely body, bring it
back here for a quick shufti.
[car honking]
You stupid git, come back
here, I'll put one on you!
Hello dear, did you see that?
Some of them want knotting, don't they?
I am allowed 20 minutes for loading.
[soft music]
[gentle, sombre music]
There there, madam, don't distress yourself.
Time is the great healer.
Remember M. Sinfeild Limited
offer their deepest sympathy
in your hour of bereavement.
Oh, my Reggie!
My little Reggie!
- My only son!
- Yes, I understand a mother's grief.
Oh, I must see him again!
And so you will!
We all meet again in the great thereafter.
- I can't wait that long!
- Calm yourself, dear lady.
Let me assure you that when you place him
in the hands of M. Sinflield Limited,
nothing's of too much trouble.
He will receive every possible care
before he ascends to his heavenly reward.
I'm so pleased.
That means he's been well
looked after this last week.
I'm afraid I don't understand.
You've had him here since last Monday,
that's what they told me
down at the public mortuary.
What?
Are you referring to that lousy
council job we got lumbered with?
It's taken you long enough
to turn up, I must say!
I've a good mind to charge you rent!
What do you think this is,
a left luggage office?
Oh, you see, I was scuba diving in the Bahamas
when the tragic news came.
It's been a wonderful season for scubas.
In the Bahamas?
So, if you have been put
through any inconvenience…
oh, dear madam…
M. Sinfield Limited are honoured
to have been of service to you.
Now, what further arrangements
can we make on your behalf?
Well, this may sound a little eccentric,
but in our family, it's customary
to hold a wake at the castle.
The castle?
And since darling Reggie is the guest of honour,
we really would like him to be
there, if only for the loyal toast.
I quite understand, quite understand.
And where would you like him delivered?
I rather thought I'd take him with me.
[sniffling]
[moaning]
[dog barking]
Well?
- Is he in there?
- No, he's in there.
Oh my God!
- What are you gonna do?
- I don't know.
That's a finish.
Whatever's on his back is gone out the chimney.
Poor Reggie!
[playful music]
Wait a minute!
Wait a minute!
[fog horn]
[fog horn]
For heaven's sake, keep still
you big baby, why don't you?
Sit down, shan't keep you a tick.
Hello, honky tonk, how are you?
Oh, Charlie! Hello! Gorgeous, gorgeous!
Hello, Vivian darling.
You've not change your mind? You're
not gonna let me do it to you?
I've been after him for years!
Oh, no, don't fancy that.
Oh, go on, let me do that
lovely little hunting scene,
with a little fox going to earth you know where!
No thank you, mate. One tattoo
maniac in the team is enough.
Oh yes, of course, poor old Reggie!
- Yeah.
- Heard about him on the bus.
I had to come straight and have a
lie down. He was a lovely boy!
Good customer of yours too!
Just about the best.
His torso was a testimonial to my work.
Pity your work wasn't fire-proof.
Dear, you're gonna have to
stop twitching that muscle.
You're gonna ruin everything.
Sorry love, you were saying?
I was just wondering if uh…
Reggie'd been 'round here lately.
He was hardly ever out of the place,
four times in less than a month.
Same old routine, I suppose?
Girls' names and telephone numbers, yes.
On his back?
No, it was on his arm.
- On his arm?
- Hm, yes.
Most emphatic about that, he
was. Had to be on his arm.
The last four times he comes in,
he brings a bird. Wants hearts
tattooed on them as well.
- What did you put in them?
- In the hearts?
I can't remember, dear, numbers,
letters, some sloppy love code.
- D'you remember what it was?
- Afraid not, dear, didn't mean anything.
D'you remember the girls' names?
Why should I? You know me dear, hardly my scene.
Oh, blimey!
Oh, darling, look, you've made
me spell "mother" with two T's!
I suppose I'll have to turn it into a butterfly.
Well, I give him full marks for cunning.
Having the account numbers
tattooed on those four birds!
How did he get away with it?
- Away with what?
- Talking the birds into being tattooed.
Oh, you wouldn't understand
cause you're a fella.
But Reggie, oh, he was something special.
That proves one thing.
He wasn't boasting when he said he
could charm the drawers off a nun.
I wish you'd stop doing that.
Doing what?
Flicking your ash on top of poor Reggie.
Afraid he'll put on weight?
That's a terrible thing to say!
Come on, love.
I'm gonna move you out of harm's way.
Too late.
He's not in there.
I knocked him over yesterday.
He's in the hoover.
What?
It's all right, I'm only joking.
Bloody fine joke that is!
Poor darling!
If only I could find out
who those four birds were!
Look at him.
Got more birds on his chest than
Nelson's got on his column!
- Where are you going?
- [he clicks his tongue]
Oh, sorry.
[playful music]
Libby, I found it!
- [Charlie] Liza.
- [Libby] Yes.
[Charlie] O, four, two o.
Seven one four one,
Jane, seven, seven, nine,
five, four, one, eight.
[he laughs]
"I put it on the back of the lavatory door"!
That's what he meant.
- Simple when you know it!
- Yeah!
Oh!
Jo, Patsy, Liza and Jane!
Four phone numbers with four tattoos!
Oh, old darling Reggie!
- There's only one thing, then.
- What's that?
How do I get to look at their tattoos?
[phone ringing]
Five eight four, four nine three nine?
Could I speak to miss Jo err… Jo…
Jo Mason, speaking.
Who is it? I'm in a hurry.
My name is Partridge
of Peabody, Patridge and Priestly solicitors.
I wondered if we could have a chat.
What about?
I've got a bus to catch.
I'm afraid it's rather personal.
Is it? Come to my place of employment, then.
Oh! And where is that?
Waterloo station!
Yes but where about…?
Oh.
[sigh]
[soft music]
[announcer] The train
now standing at platform seven
is for Gilford, Haslemere, Halvant,
Bedhamption and Potsmouth.
We apologize for the late running
of the train due at 9:43 from South Hampton.
-This train is running ten
- [knock]
minutes late.
Oh!
- Ah, Miss Mason.
- [Jo] You gave me a start!
Miss Jo Mason?
That's right, who are you?
I'm mister Partridge, I phoned you.
I don't know what you want, but
only staff are allowed here.
There's no cause for alarm, I can assure you.
I am in fact the bearer of glad tidings.
Oh, yes?
The train now standing at platform 12
is the 9:53 for Brookwood and Aldershot.
What sort of glad tidings?
I'm acting on behalf of our late client,
Mr. Reginald Campbell Peek.
Oh, Reggie!
Oh, oh he was a darling!
Oh, he had the biggest…
the biggest heart I've ever known!
It nearly broke me up when I
heard about his accident.
[buzzing]
Hello?
Oh, right.
British rail regret to announce
that the ten seve
to Sherpperton has been cancelled.
- You see, Jackson? They do care!
- Yes!
Now, now, Miss Mason!
- Please, don't upset yourself.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
It's just that I was rather
fond of Reggie, you see?
And he in his turn, dear lady, did
hold a deal of affection for you.
What makes you think so?
Well, the fact that he's left you
a considerable sum in his will.
- Reggie?
- Hmm hmm.
- He left me some money?
- Yes.
Oh! Say!
- [buzzing]
- [groan]
Hello?
All right.
If somebody's lost a kid he's
at station management office.
How much?
Before I divulge the amount,
I must satisfy myself as Executor
that you are indeed the Jo
Mason named in the will.
Oh, I am!
I can show you my driving license.
Yes, I believe there's a more
positive means of identification.
Am I right?
Who told you?
Well…
We'd had a few drinks, you see.
I'd never let him do it if we hadn't had.
Ten fifteen non-stop to Portsmouth
will depart on platform 14.
A certain tattoo mark,
if I'm not mistaken. If I
ould just have a little peek?
You want me to show you my bum? Oh!
So that's where it is!
On your bottom!
I might have guessed.
You see the problem.
I do indeed.
And your modesty does you credit.
But for ten thousand pounds…
Ten…
No, I'm not that sort of girl.
Well, why don't we go for a few drinks?
No, once is enough!
- Hello Jo, sorry I'm a bit late.
- Hello, Grace.
The train now standing at platform eight
is for all stations to Virginia Water.
I think I might have the
answer to our little problem.
Come with me.
See? You could take a picture of it.
A picture?
- How could I do that?
- You could, uh, kneel on the stool.
Oh no, I couldn't do that!
Ten thousand pounds?
I haven't got any change.
I have.
- I say…
- Yes?
Up on the stool I can't reach down
to put the money in the slot.
You get into position, and I'll put it in.
[Jo] All right, ready.
Can I come out, now?
No, stay where you are.
I want to see the picture to
make sure you didn't move.
Good god!
Oh, it's the wife.
She's taking her passport picture.
- Passport?
- Yes, we're going down under.
Oh my God, there's four of them,
all with tattoos on their bums!
Dirty old Reggie!
We'll just have one more.
This time, try not to smile.
If our mother could see you now,
she'd be turning in her grave!
Sid Sabbath!
[ominous music]
You, out.
[he groans]
Oh, Arthur, why did you let me do this? I
could have hurt Mr. Tully, couldn't I?
Honestly, I didn't know Jo was your sister.
- She told me her name…
- You listen!
I hate to admit this, but
I'm a bastard, you know.
Are you, really?
Yeah, in more ways than one!
[he groans]
What are you gonna do to me?
You are gonna play your part
in helping to solve British traffic problems.
By becoming one of the main
supporters of this new flyover.
Only one thing to say to
you: get stuffed, Welsh git!
[all groaning]
Come on, Mr. Sabbath, you know you
can't stand the sight of blood.
It's a shame, he should've
got people around him.
Nothing personal, Charlie.
I've always admired your work.
You shouldn't have upset
him. You know how he is.
Go up.
[mysterious music]
Go on, there.
Don't be scared, Charlie. You
won't be on your own down there.
Just a minute, Arthur.
I've got a proposition to make. How
would you like a quarter of a million?
Quarter of a million? Nice.
- Turn your back and it's yours.
- Where will you get it?
You see, me and Reggie
we had a way with half a million quid.
We knew this Italian bloke,
took him down to the Palace,
and we arranged for his son
to marry Princess Anne.
You don't believe me.
No, Charlie.
But I gotta admire you keep
on trying right to the death.
Which reminds me…
Hang on a minute.
Could I have a few words with my maker?
[mysterious music]
Arthur?
Arthur?
[he screams]
[he groans]
What's taking so long?
- Don't ask me.
- Come on.
Arthur?
Arthur?
Arthur?
[mysterious music]
That was a nice tribute.
There's only one thing I've got to say.
Get Charlie Tully.
Ah.
Oy!
- What's wrong with the letter box?
- Piss off!
[honking]
[ominous Italian music]
[cat meowing]
[ticking]
[he meows]
[object falling]
[cat meowing]
I gave him the old yoo-hoo, Mr. Sabbath.
He should be down for the cow
juice any second, just in time.
Right.
Another bloody disaster!
Do you realise Mr. Tully's
become an expensive proposition?
And apart from everything else,
I'll have this suit cleaned.
No, I can't explain it over the
telephone, it's rather a delicate matter.
Look, Mr. Patridge, I'm extremely sorry
to hear about Reggie's accident.
- [Charlie] You're sorry?
- Yes, of course.
But I haven't got the time to see you.
You've picked a very inopportune moment.
I'm getting married tomorrow and
leaving immediately for South America.
Er, on holiday?
No, to live.
Oh, for good!
Yes. Good bye.
Good bye.
Poor old Reggie.
[a coocoo calls]
I shall always remember him.
[indistinct chatter]
Harper's.
Thank you, sir.
- Vogue.
- Thank you sir.
Exchange 1 Mart.
Thank you, sir.
It's as nice as Barbados.
- Oh?
- Hope you're very happy.
- Thank you.
- Congratulations.
Thank you.
It can't be any worse!
[indistinct chatter]
ladies and gentlemen.
Would you please step back for a
moment so the press can take pictures
of the happy couple?
[journalist] Happy faces, now.
Ah.
[journalist 2] Perfect. Again.
Turn this way, please.
[journalist] That's it, perfect.
[she giggles]
[she gasps]
Later, darling, later!
[journalist] Smile! Thank you.
May I wish you every happiness
and a fruitful union.
Thank you.
Come on, darling, we ought to circulate.
[indistinct chatter]
[bride] Hello.
There you are. There's your picture.
Thanks, you've done a good job.
They don't call me the Cecil
Beaton of false passport racket
for nothing, you know!
Now, let's see what we've got.
How you could do such a thing
to a girl on her wedding
day, I really don't know!
Look, it was my half-million
knicker against a pair of hers.
Something had to give.
Here, Q U E six two eight,
D E C three eight four.
- What's that mean?
- I have no clue.
I won't know until I get the other two.
Who's the next lucky lady?
Liza.
Lady Missenden Green's
daughter of Thornley Manor.
I wonder if they're off for staff!
[mouthing]
He's arrived, my lady.
- Shall I ask him to come
- Certainly, Parker.
in?
Isn't it nice to think after all these years
we've got a butler again?
Will you come in, please?
Ah, good morning, madam. All right
young lady, you can go now.
- [she gasps]
- [he snickers]
Madam?
I'm lady Penelope Missenden Green.
Oh, I'm James Maynard Kitchener Lampwick.
[wheezing]
Good, I'm in time for coffee.
Liza, this is Lampwick, our new butler.
- Oh, hello.
- Nice to mee you, miss.
I gather from your references
that you've been in service
with distinguished families.
Oh, yes, my lady. I think I can safely say
that I'm familiar with most
of the big country seats.
Though there are one or two I have
yet to become acquainted with.
[playful music]
[gasp]
[he groans]
[moaning in pain]
[moaning]
[groaning]
[groaning]
- [sigh]
- [a car honks]
[honking]
Oh, Mr. Van Cleef!
- How very nice.
- Lady Missenden.
This is Liza, my daughter.
- How do you do?
- Miss Liza.
Lampwick will see to your bags.
Do come in.
Nice little place you've got here.
And would you believe it, on that Tuesday,
the Vanderbilts arrived, one
of them stayed on the yacht,
and we had already invited Richard
and Liz and the Rockefellers.
Oh, how very embarrassing!
- Smoked trout, your Ladyship?
- Very good, Lampwick.
- None for me, thank you.
- [Van Cleef] You know what pappy did?
He went right out and bought another yacht.
- [Liza] Did he really?
- [Lady Penelope] Lampwick!
I'd like some smoked trout after all.
[Van Cleef] Like he said, you
can't disappoint friends
for the sake of a lousy half million bucks.
You know, darling, Arnold's father
was a good friend of daddy's,
whilst daddy was in the States.
- Oh, was he?
- Yes, sir!
[Lady Penelope] Some horseradish sauce!
[Van Cleef] He said "Listen here, Arnie,
"when you land in England,
give lady Missenden a call."
Well, I'm so glad he did!
Yes.
Thank you, Lampwick.
You were quite right to do so, Arnold.
I said to Liza: "we don't see
enough young people at the Manor."
We certainly don't, Mother.
- Thank you, ma'am. Miss Liza.
- No horseradish sauce, thank you.
Is this your first visit to England, Arnold?
[Van Cleef] For some time, yes.
I've been in the Middle East
looking after our oil interests.
I'd like some more wine, please, Lampwick.
And do serve Mr. Van Cleef with his trout.
Of course, Arnold, the strange thing
is, I can't for the life of me
recall my husband speaking of your father.
Well, ma'am, believe me, they were buddies.
I can't think of any other word
for it, real close buddies.
And my pappy's gonna bust out crying when
he hears his Lordship has passed on.
How very touching.
Especially since they had this
big scheme going for them.
A scheme?
I daresay you heard tale of
Captain Morgan's last treasure
in the Caribbean.
Lampwick!
Oh, I do beg your pardon, your Ladyship.
The bird's gone out of control.
Show how fresh it is.
Naughty girl!
I'm so sorry, Arnold.
Now, you were telling me about
Captain Morgan's treasure.
Surely, my husband didn't
believe in its existence?
Not at first, like my pappy, but
the map finally convinced them.
- The map?
- Sharing the location of the island.
But how did they know it was genuine?
- That's the very question I asked.
- Well?
Pappy submitted it in the
National Physical Laboratory,
and they gave it a carbon test.
Sixteen sixty-five, within a year or two.
- Fascinating!
- The ink was 40% oak gall.
On parchment from the Capretto goat.
Exactly what you'd expect, of course.
Let's not kid ourselves with three
and a half million pounds at stake!
[Charlie whispers along] Give
or take a hundred thousand.
You gotta invest to get every little thing.
[Van Cleef] Come in.
Oh.
I thought you'd like a
night cap before retiring.
That's very kind of you, Lampwick.
Tell me now, would you say
this Picasso is genuine?
Oh, yes indeed, sir. Everything
in this house is genuine.
With one or two small exceptions.
- A touch of soda, sir?
- Just a splash.
- How's that, sir?
- It's perfect.
Up your kilt.
What do you think you're doing? Who
the hell do you think you are?
I know who I am, sir. Question is, who are you?
I'm Arnold Van Cleef, son of Jeremiah Van Cleef,
of Houston, Texas.
Cobblers.
The nearest you've come to Texas
is watching Bonanza on the telly.
How dare you, sir!
I listened to you downstairs working
that Captain Morgan treasure
routine, I've never heard it done worse.
What?
You can't con a con-man, old son!
I practically invented that spiel!
The name's Tully.
- You may have heard of me.
- Tully?
- Not Charlie Tully?
- One and the same.
God, blimey, what a snook I am!
I've heard lads talk about
you with bated breath!
- The king of the conners!
- I've pulled a few naughty ones.
Sorry about this, Mr. Tully,
if I'd known this was your mark I
wouldn't have come within a mile!
That's all right.
I'm glad you're here.
- Are you?
- Yeah.
As a matter of interest,
what would you take her for?
Well, I thought up to about ten grands.
Believe me, they'll stand it for 25,
and you're welcome to all of it.
- You mean it?
- Course! I don't want to queer your pitch.
I always heard you were a good one.
- Ta.
- That's all right, son.
- Jut do me a small favour.
- Anything, Mr. Tully, anything.
Here.
Do you know how to use one of these?
[Liza sings drunkenly]
♪ If I were a marrying girl
Which, Thank the Lord… ♪
Miss Liza, you'll wake your mother!
Nothing'll wake the old battle axe.
She's got so much…
[she trails off and sighs] Arnie!
I bet you had lovely calves
when you were a young footman.
That's right, miss.
Arnie! [gasps]
Get up.
Come on, get in there.
Don't make me do it.
I'm a married man!
She and her mother had nothing
to eat and drink since breakfast
that hasn't been spiked with vodka.
Supposing she don't fancy me?
All I've had is a couple of brown
ales and I'm beginning to fancy you!
Now go on, get in there! Go on!
[bell rings]
[giggling inside]
[giggling]
[muttering]
Here it is, darling.
It's probably under exposed.
On the contrary.
[muttering]
- [she mumbles]
- [he laughs]
[unintelligible conversation]
[rooster crows]
[he groans]
He's on his way.
[honking]
[solemn music]
[Charlie] Q.U.E, six, two, eight,
D.E.C, three, eight, four,
O.M.O, one, two, nine.
No! Without Jane's tattoo,
it still doesn't make sense.
Hello, love.
Did he do it for me?
Oh, that's nice!
Nevermind asking how my poor old Wally is.
Oh, how's Wal? And did he do it?
You forget he's doing bird.
It's not as easy as all that!
You said he could do it! He's
working in the printing shop?
You're not his only customer,
he's up to there with orders!
Oh, God.
Anyway, there you are.
There's the letter, and there's the certificate.
Hey, that's great!
He hasn't lost his touch!
No, but if I'd had my way
he wouldn't have done them.
You're really sticking your
neck out this time Charlie.
What, I've got you, haven't I? One
more number, with any luck, I'm away!
Oh! Well,
you know how I've always felt about Reggie.
But how he could lower himself to get mixed up
with a girl who earns her living
in that place, I'll never know.
[playful music]
There.
So! Your senior officer wants you
through a quick refresher course, eh?
- That's right ma'am.
- Hmm.
She must think you have an extra
something the other girls haven't got.
She could be right, ma'am.
It's an unusual request in the
middle of a training programme, but…
we'll see. Do sit down.
Thank you, ma'am.
- I see you're from the Y division.
- Err, yes.
Tell me, how's old Bingo Henderson getting on?
Oh, er, comme ci, comme ça,
I believe.
Still in hospital, last I heard.
You mean after the accident?
That's a rotten thing to call the
kid! I thought she meant to have it.
Ah, let's see.
Ah, there's a spare bed in
Dormitory A. We'll put you there.
Oh, thank you, ma'am.
You'd better pop along and let the
medical officer have look at you.
Oh, I was done before I came.
- Oh! Jolly good, jolly good.
- Yes.
Anyway, you'll find after a
few days of regular meals
and healthy exercise, you'll
feel like a new woman.
I practically already do, ma'am.
[bell ringing]
Be a lamb and give a hand, the thing's stuck.
Yes.
Pleasure.
Thanks dear, I'll do you a favour some tome.
I'll bear that in mind.
I don't think we've met.
I'm Mandy Dunnit.
- Y division.
- Jane Seton.
Oh, so you're Jane!
- Well, well, well!
- What do you mean?
Oh, it's nothing.
Except I had a message for a
girl called Jane, that's all.
Not Jane Seton.
Oh.
Perhaps it was Jane Cartwright over there.
Hi!
No, that wasn't the name.
Jane Turner?
Somebody called?
No, that doesn't ring a bell.
Are there many girls called
Jane about the place?
Not as far as I know.
Fancy a slug?
No thanks.
It's all right, I'm not driving.
Lights should've been out five minutes ago.
[slow, playful music]
[heavy sigh]
[sigh]
[groans]
[grunting]
[moaning]
Oh!
[sigh]
[instructor] Come on girls, quickly now!
Fall in in two ranks facing me.
[panting]
What are you panting for?
We've only done five miles!
You may have to chase a villain
much further than that!
Silly bitch!
Hasn't she ever heard of squad cars?
Breaking into astride jumping.
Raising the arms to she shoulders…
go!
Running on the spot.
Begin.
Now, girls,
vaulting practise!
Front rank. Follow me!
Splendid.
Good!
Come along, Mandy, no hanging back!
Good girl.
Now, sprint!
[deflated music]
Next exercise,
rope climbing.
Fall in in three ranks behind me.
Now,
I shall show you a very simple technique,
and then I want you all to have a go.
Right?
Now, wrap your right foot
around the rope like so,
grip with your left foot,
hands high on the rope,
and climb.
The rope must be allowed to
slide easily between the thighs
with each upward thrust.
Notice how I'm locking on with my feet
while my hands reach up for another pull.
Naughty old Reggie!
He was having it off with teacher!
In your occupation,
a knowledge of self-defence
is of paramount importance.
I'll just demonstrate a few
more simple throws. Now,
this is how to deal with an assailant
armed with a knife, attacking from the front.
Right, you're next.
Hop, and…
Ah!
Now, let's have someone else.
Miss?
Now,
this is how to disarm a man with a gun.
Good.
[she grunts]
Jump over, and…
[he groans]
All right!
All right!
[he grunts]
Now listen…
[he screams]
[Charlie] Ow!
[groaning]
[grunting]
[moaning]
- Are you all right?
- I think so.
I'll say one thing for you, you've got guts.
Thank you, Miss.
- Do you want to rest?
- No, I'll have another go.
Good girl!
I'll give you a chance to get your own back.
Jane, fetch me the truncheon.
Thank you.
Now,
when I say "right",
I want you to attack me with that truncheon.
Don't worry, you won't get in, right?
Oh!
[playful music]
[swooning]
Oh!
[Charlie whispers] B.A.N.O, three, one.
B.A.N.O, three, one. B.A.N.O three, one.
[playful music]
[Charlie sings in the shower]
Banque de Como, Zurich, O three one,
six two eight, three eight four, one two nine.
Hm! He's have gone off without it.
[singing continues]
- Charlie?
- Yes?
I've packed everything, including your socks.
But I've gotta warn you, they're not aired.
Righto. You're a good girl, Libby.
What will I do without you?
[sniffling]
Now, what's the matter?
- What have I said?
- Well, it's all over, innit?
You got what you wanted. Now you're
off and I won't see you again.
Blimey, you make it sound like I was
leaving you with a bun in the oven!
May I remind you that our relationship
has always been strictly platonic?
Oh, shut up!
- You know what I mean.
- Of course I do.
Don't worry. I'll be back.
- I'll tell you what…
- What?
You'll be able to hold Wal's
coming out party in your own pub.
Oh!
Bless you, Charlie!
Hey!
Sid Sabbath's got a red Bentley, hasn't he?
That's right, love.
- What made you say that?
- Nothing, there's one parked opposite.
Is there?
Oh!
I wonder what they want all that acid for!
Probably want to get rid of a body!
[ominous music]
I don't like the look of this, Lib.
- Pass me those binoculars.
- Here.
Oh my God! It's him!
And right on the last knockings!
How the hell am I gonna get out of here alive?
[ominous music]
- So long, love.
- Bye-bye, Hetty.
Send a postcard to let me know you're safe.
I will.
Look after yourself.
[mouthing]
[sigh]
- Ta, thanks very much.
- Thank you.
[Charlie] Thank you.
Porter?
- Where to, madam?
- Miss.
- Oh, where to, miss?
- I'm going to Zurich.
You want the Albert Express.
Hurry, it's about to leave.
I must have a ladies only compartment.
- There's a couple on the train.
- Good.
- Going abroad for a bit, are you, miss?
- I've never had any luck over here.
- Have you been on one of these before?
- No.
- I promise you'll have a lovely
- Is that included in the fare?
ide.
Eh?
Are you married?
Yes, I am.
Don't go, I'll give you
something for your trouble.
No, no way!
Oh!
[indistinct announcement]
[she sighs]
[whistle]
Hello, Charlie.
I thought I'd come along and see you off.
Now, look here, Mr. Sabbath, don't be a fool,
you can't do anything with them in here.
- With who in here?
- Them.
Wotcher, Charlie.
Oh my god!
Now, don't you worry, Charlie,
this is soon gonna be all over.
Because we're all going
through a nice, long tunnel.
Well, that is to say,
we're going through it.
You,
you're getting out halfway through.
All right, boys!
Do the light bulbs.
Mr. Sabbath,
I'm sorry about Jo, honestly.
Nothing happened between us, I promise.
Jo? Oh no, Charlie,
I've forgotten all about Jo!
You see, this is something much more personal.
You have been responsible for doing
away with some of my best boys.
Me? I don't know what you're talking about.
Oh, Charlie, you're fibbing again.
I'm not, honestly. Cross
me heart and hope to die.
Your wish is about to be granted.
- [he whimpers]
- Tunnel coming up!
[train honking]
[scuffle]
[train honking]
It's been a great pleasure
to do business with you.
[in German] Goodbye.
[soft music]
[ominous music]
[mysterious Italian music]
See, Signor Tully, you must understand
I am forced to honour my bargain
with Signior Ferucchi.
He wants to see you very quick dead.
But why?
Why? That was only a joke!
He couldn't seriously have believed that
his son was gonna marry Princess Anne!
He did, didn't he?
Believe me, you have no reason to complain,
you have been living on… how you say in English…
on borrowed time.
Your Sid Sabbath could
have killed you many times
had it not been for the
protection of my organisation.
But I didn't know that, did I?
It was going on behind my back.
I couldn't even enjoy it.
Carlo.
Outside. Not in front of the children.
Don Luigi.
- Can I say something?
- Si.
The world is full of rich gullible men, right?
Pigeons ripe for the plucking?
Yes. The world is full of such people.
Well, me, Charlie Tully,
I've got a God-given talent for
separating rich people from their money.
I don't know what it is, but I've got it!
They believe whatever I say!
Yes, there is much evidence for what you say.
Then, surely, as a business man,
you're not gonna kill the goose
that lays these golden eggs
for a mere matter of personal revenge!
I mean,
with your organisation and my genius,
this stuff would be chicken feed!
[in Italian] One moment, Carlo.
Let the gentleman continue.
[Italian music]
Reverend Father,
we sure were lucky meeting
up with you like this.
We might never have known
they're rebuilding St Peter's!
Yes.
And it is only because of the rebuilding
that we are able even to contemplate
parting with the Sistine Chapel.
Well, Reverend Father, all I can say is
we'd give it a good home
right beside London Bridge
in Arizona U.S.A.
Oh yes, but you do understand
that the transaction cannot be completed
until we receive a sign from above.
It is agreed! [chuckles]
[in Italian] Congratulations,
sir. Congratulations.
[they chuckle]
Now I believe the figure mentioned
was somewhere in the region of
twenty million dollars? [he laughs]
[playful music]
[playful music]