George Lopez: We'll Do It for Half (2020) - full transcript

[soulful music plays]

San Francisco, it's my honor
to introduce to you

the voice of our generation,



my big homie,

El Más Chingón,

George Lopez!

Qué chingados.

[audience cheering]

I said, qué chingados!

[audience cheering]

For those of you who don't understand...

Same shit.

Let me tell you
a little bit about myself.

My name is George Lopez.

[audience cheering and applauding]



I have one kidney that's not mine...

and dementia runs in my family,

so I didn't come here to fuck around,
San Francisco!

[audience cheering and applauding]

There's a thing going on here
with the way the shit is right now.

That's my politics, "The way the shit is."

I gotta tell you
the way shit is right now.

People who have served this country,
Latino veterans,

have been deported
from the United States of America.

That cannot happen.

That's bullshit.

Anybody that's willing to die
for this country

should be able to live in this country.
You hear what I'm saying?

You hear what I'm saying?

[audience cheering and applauding]

If you take care of people's kids

and you spend more time with
fucking their kids than with your own...

you should be allowed to live
in this country.

[audience cheering and whooping]

You want to talk about a pathway
to citizenship? We already have it.

It's called the panocha.

If you're born here,
you fucking stay here.

The panocha path...

The pathway to citizen...
What about cesarean section?

También. Los dos.

[audience laughs]

We're not those people, you know.

Hard-working. Don't fucking demonize us.

Listen, ICE and all that bullshit
Homeland Security...

If they want to do all that bullshit,
if they want to deport people...

- [audience booing]
- Don't...

- [man in audience] They are putos!
- I'm on your side, relax.

[audience laughs]

Don't fucking go on at me. I wrote it.
I know what's coming.

Don't go to the works,

don't go to the schools,
don't go to the jobs.

All right?
Let the people in the families decide.

Let them Latinos decide...

who gets deported.

[audience laughs]

Because we all have relatives
that we like...

and some that you're like, "Hey."

Four o'clock in the morning,
"Tía, wake up.

They want you."

"Who?" "Mexico."

"What?

Mexico wants me?" "Yeah, come on."

"Tío también, let's go. They want you.

El Salvador." "Salvador?"

"El Salvador, come on, let's go."

"Tía, you don't need a bra. Go like that."

[audience laughs]

Fucking all... Fucking legañas.

Now, you know, the police...
They've got to be smarter to be Latino.

Before we could just
pretend not to speak English.

Now, because of ICE,

you fucking get pulled over, they don't
ask for driver's license or registration,

they fucking get to it.

"Do you speak English?" You're like, "Ay!"

Under your breath, "Qué culo, chinga!"

[in Spanish accent] "Yes.

[audience laughs]

"I can stay? Órale.
I can stay? Oh, my God! I mean..."

That used to be the go-to.

Back in the day, you could pretend
not to speak English.

The cop would pull you over.

"You wanna get out the car?"
"Pero no entiendo."

"Fuck. Okay, go.

I don't know.
I don't know what they're saying."

We used to pretend to not speak English.
They would let us go.

Now they hit you
with a fucking palo, that nightstick.

That'll get the English out.

"Get out of the car." "Pero no entiendo.

[thumps]

"Oh, you want me to get out of the car?"

[audience laughs]

"Oh, my God!

Hijo de la chingada, dude. I got it."

Asking to leave a fucking chipote
on my fucking ass.

This is how great
people from other countries are.

Not us. We're all used to being here.
People who come here.

I had a guy working on my roof,
two stories.

He fell back.

Fell off my house
and landed on his back.

[thumps]

Fuck, I went out there.
He fucking apologized to me...

for falling off my fucking house.
I'm like, "Are you all right?"

He goes, "Ay, perdón."

"What? You fell off my house!"

He goes, "Don't fire me!"
I'm like, "What the fuck?"

Then he says some crazy shit.

He goes, "I'll stay over time
for the time I was in the air."

[audience laughs]

What the fuck?

I said,
"Where can I get fucking ten more?"

He said, "Honk the horn!"
[imitates honking]

You know, they say
that Rome wasn't built in a day.

They say Rome wasn't built in a day.

As a chicano, I say, hey,
they fucking hired the wrong people.

[audience laughs]

[audience cheering]

You didn't need permits?

You didn't need permits.
Fuck, at 9:30 in the morning,

"Yeah, we finished the Colosseum.
Qué más?

You want where people can sit down?"

Hey, the future is...
All that bullshit with a wall...

I don't know. Maybe they're waiting
for permits. I don't know.

Me and about five vatos, we could've
already built that fucking wall like that!

We'd be done.

We won't build it so heavy

that it crushes the fucking tunnels
that we have under. [exclaims]

[audience member whistling]

Pásale!

You know...

I'll tell you, man.

You fuck with street vendors
and panhandlers now...

You can have a guy out there,
"Spare change? Spare change?"

And they always get defended.
"Maybe he's mentally ill?"

"Oh, yeah? Some vato trying to sell you
nine pounds of fucking fruit

for five dollars isn't crazy?"

[audience laughs]

Even when you say, "How much is it?"
"Five dollars." "Ta loco!"

That fucker's crazy.

Listen, we all have a fucking incredible
sense of humor, the Latinos,

because people in our families

are sometimes funnier than the other
fucking people you meet in real life.

[audience laughs]

I had a tío. My tío was fucking crazy.

He got hit by a woman in a hit and run.

And the woman took off
and they called the police.

And the police told my uncle,
"Hey, can you describe her?"

My uncle was like...

"Yeah, I mean, you know, I'd fuck her.

Ta buena. Huh, George? Ta buena.

Yeah, write that down.

Que estaba buena la cabrona."

With a star, so they know.

You know... And everything's a joke.
The doctor, you know, the doctor's like,

"Have you ever had a sexually
transmitted disease?" He's like...

[audience laughs]

"What do you think?

You hear that, Doctor? What do you think?

Remember cuando me salieron los granos?"

[audience laughs]

"Don't write that down."

They don't want to listen
to the fucking doctor. They told him...

They told him,

"You have a fucking enlarged liver,
you've got cirrhosis.

You've got gangrene in your pata."

They said, "If you drink you will die."

My uncle went like this
to the doctor, "Oh..."

"Fuck him. Let's go.

He sees me one time, he fucking thinks
he knows me. Fuck him.

What if I drink? You're not gonna
fucking be there. You won't know.

Don't waste my time with bullshit."

You know. It's all different.
We're not trying to live forever.

We don't want to go to the doctor.

We don't want to know if we're sick.
We know.

All right? I know
what this sounds like... [gasping]

In the middle of the night... [gasping]

Your fucking pata, your shoes don't fit
on Monday morning. You know.

You might have high blood pressure.

Too much salt.
We put salt on the food

and we haven't even fucking tasted it.
The minute it lands…

[audience laughs]

We just eat.

We don't want to know.

Listen, prostate cancer...

This is where I lose all the dudes.

Prostate cancer is the number-one killer

of Latino men because the only way
they can check is...

[whistles]

Por atrás.

Your fucking dad or your uncle's like,
"Chale! No way.

I'd rather be dead
than have somebody touching my culo."

Sober? No.

Nope, not sober. Chale.

Maybe catch me when I get home,
before I change, before we go to sleep.

No. They still drink,
they still do all that shit.

He went to the bathroom
like ten times a night.

After like ten years, my tía's like,
"You got to go to the doctor."

After ten years.

The doctor looks at him,
"You have prostate cancer."

He looks at his wife,
"You fucking heard what he told me?

You heard? I heard.
Tell her because I heard

that I have prostate cancer. Chinga!

You made me come to the doctor,
and fucking now I got prostate cancer."

[audience laughs]

"Ah, fuck. I didn't have it yesterday,
but fucking today...

I got it. I couldn't even feel...

Touching... Touching...

We don't wanna live forever.

We're not trying to make sure
that everything we eat is good for us.

We know. Listen...

When you go to a Mexican restaurant,
you already know

that we cook with...
Fuck it, man, take a look at us.

We fuck obesity up. By the third grade,
we already said goodbye.

"See you later, obesity.
Fuck, I passed you."

And then little Latinos are all fat,
you know.

You try to make them feel better.
You're like, "Mira, mijo, you were…

You were going to be twins.
That's why you're... you know.

You don't hear a voice
telling you you're full, no?

You might listen, it might be your sister,
but they're trying to tell you."

Bigger chichis
than everybody in the family at 11.

"Hey, tetas, come out here."

[audience laughs]

That's how you get your nickname.
You shit in your pants one time,

you're Caca for the rest of your life.

It could be a grown man, fucking Caca.
"Guess who's getting married."

"Who?"

"Caca." "Fuck!"

"Caca's getting married?"

"And his wife is pregnant." "Chingado!

They're gonna have fucking Cacitas
running around.

Caca's getting married, huh? Shit.

Fucking Caca. Good for Caca."

We all know.

Our parents... Shit, we were raised
by the original body-shamers.

They didn't give a fuck what age you were.

They'd be leaving for work,
"Hey, you two fat fuckers right there.

[audience laughs]

"You better not be on that couch
when I get home.

Gordo One and fucking Gordo Two.
You hear me?" We would answer,

"Yeah." "All right.

Fucking clean yourselves, come on.

Try your shoes on, see if they fit.
It's already been two days."

My grandmother raised me.
She lived to be 89. She had, uh...

Dementia got her. Fuck, chinga.

This is how bad Latinas are,
older Latinas.

The doctor said, "You have Alzheimer's."
She stood up and goes, "Can I go?"

I said, "Did you hear what he said?"
My grandma said,

"Wait a minute.
Fucking do you have it or do I?"

[audience laughs]

"I asked you for a fucking ride,
I didn't ask for your fucking opinion."

And then I said, "What's going to happen?"
The doctor said,

"You're going to start to forget places,
you're going to start to forget people..."

My grandma was, "Wait a minute.
Mira, you don't know me…

and you don't know my life.
This is for both of you."

She looked at us as she said,
"I can't fucking wait to forget people."

[audience laughs and applauds]

Then she looked at me and goes, "Come on,
Larry, let's get the fuck out of here!"

If you're looking for sympathy,
you're not gonna find it…

in the Latino community.

You could be fucking crying

and they go, "What's the matter with you?"
"Fuck! The doctor...

The doctor told me that I have cancer."
You're like, "Whoo!"

"What's the matter with you?

Fuck, I thought you were gonna
tell me I had it.

Hey, don't be fucking crying.
Look at me. You've got me all... Fuck!

How long did he give you?"

"Uh, three months."

"Oh, so you're not going to be here
for Valentine's Day?"

[audience laughs]

"Fuck, it is my birthday about that day.
You're not gonna be here?

Why? You don't wanna be here

or because the doctor told you
you're not going to fucking be here?

Aguántate. Fuck. Hey, come on."

It's a different culture.

You know, I think white dudes, their goal
is to walk their daughter down the aisle.

"I just want to be there… [sniffles]

...on Kelsey's big day."

All fucking Latino dudes, we're like,
"I just want to outlive everybody

that fucking hates me."

[audience laughs]

The fuck, yeah.

Aguántate, cabrón.

My grandmother found me making a list
of people that I wanted to kill.

And she said, "What the fuck?
Let me see, pendejo. What is this?

A list of people you want to kill?

Mira, the first two, pendejo,
they're already dead. These two here.

And the last two are on my list.
Come on, I'll fucking help you."

[audience laughs]

It's a different...

It's a different vibe.

You know.

We don't want to live forever.
We just want to live right now.

And we're so easy.
My uncle would just get mad.

You could just make up a situation.

You go, "Tío, who would win between...

Annabelle...

and La Llorona?"

"Who do you think?

Fuck, La Llorona would beat the shit
out of fucking Annabelle.

That's a fucking doll.

Mira, she'd drown her own fucking kids.

You don't think she'll fuck a doll up?

Fuck, you changed. You changed."

I rescue, uh...

I rescue dogs.

[audience cheering and applauding]

I didn't say I love dogs.
I said I rescue them.

There's a difference. Pinche perros.

Latino gets mad for a dog doing the shit
it's supposed to do. He's barking...

[barks] "Hey, shut the..."

They have some CBD treats.

For dogs. CBD...

treats for dogs. I gave some to my dogs
about six months ago.

Not a fucking sound.

They're in the house, like...

[audience laughs]

[shushing]

'Cause dogs show respect.

Dogs love you.
They don't care what you look like.

You could be feito. You could be...
They're the best.

They're the best.

'Cause we don't do good
with emotional-support animals.

That's not...

That's not a good thing for our culture.

My uncle was walking around
with a fucking goat. I thought it was...

an emotional-support animal.

He had it under his arm.

Then I saw him, he didn't have it.
"Que pasó? Where's the goat?"

"Fuck, he was delicious."

[audience laughs]

"He was emotionally supporting me.
We all felt...

so much love for him
after we were done eating. Ay!"

That's who we are.

You know, you're going to get older,
you got to make sure

that you're aware
of what's happening with you.

When you get older, when guys get older…

When you're young, your body's tight.
No sounds come out. Nothing.

Culo… [sucks air] tight.

It's 18.

Nice.

You get older, you're walking.

"Hey, open this thing for me."
Opening some pickles in the summer.

You're turning... [imitates farting]

They come into the kitchen, "What?"
[sniffs deeply]

"Who bought the pickles
that smell like shit?

Take 'em back. Take 'em back.

And tell them that they smell like shit.
Take 'em back."

You try to stay young and you can't.

You're walking, pedos come out.
[imitates farting]

[imitates farting]

You go to the bathroom,

you think you're done pissing,
more piss comes out. [exclaims]

It's like trying to learn
how to drive stick all over you.

So be happy when you're young.
Live every day...

as the greatest day of your life.

Live every day.

[audience cheering]

Live!

Don't wait to be sick to want to live.
Fucking live when you're fucking healthy.

That's when you're really living.

You're not worried about anybody else.

You're doing your own shit, you know?

You get older, your kids grow up.

They love you, not fighting any more.

You know, you're not drinking
to black out.

The holiday season, any holiday,

fucking somebody's blacked out.

Next morning you wake up,
somebody's got a black eye.

You're like, "Chinga!
What happened to you?"

[breathes heavily]

"You fucking asshole."

"That's probably what it was.
A bad attitude to have, you can't….

talk like that to people.
They're gonna fuck you up."

But that's us. Listen, this is...

how we live, you know.

Now kids don't understand it.
You know, they...

they're into the...

You know, Halloween,
nobody can wear a mask

because you might scare the other kids.

Listen, if your fucking kid is so stupid

he don't know that that's really...

not the fucking Wolverine
sitting next to him,

pull that motherfucker out of school...

and save your money.

Fucking homeschool them.

Get a storage unit so he can take care
of your stuff. He can be right there.

Fucking Halloween is the last holiday
that we... Listen,

Latino, we trick or treat
into our fucking early, mid-50s.

We don't even want candy,

we just want to look in your house.
[thumping]

"Fuck. Ta bonito. Fuck. How many...

How many fucking lamps do you guys need?

Fuck, they've got plenty of shit."

Homemade costumes.

Fucking your dad's boots.

Some dish-washing gloves.

Some racquetball glasses.

You will knock on the door.
They open the door. "Fuck, chingados!

Who are you supposed to be?"
"I'm self-made."

[audience laughs]

"Trick-or-treat and are there any odd jobs
that we could...

I noticed some tiles loose
on the driveway.

Si or no?"

The crazy thing about our parents
when you see people is that

all the parents are nice now.
It's almost like having two moms.

You know, "You can do whatever you want.
Be careful." Fucking, our parents,

they could be mean and nice

at the same time.
"You wanna do me a favor?

Get the fuck out of here.

Thank you."

That's why I say
teach your kids good from bad.

Teach them right from wrong.

And most importantly, teach
those fucking pendejos the difference

between fireworks...

and gunfire.

We know.

We already know.

We know what a fucking sparkler
fucking sounds like.

When we hear a fucking...
[imitates gunfire]

You're fucking already gone.

It's different. Listen,

one thing we don't do
is we don't disrespect our parents.

This has never been done.

Or stepparents.
Let me cover all the bases.

You know, we don't talk back.

I was in the airport and this little kid
said to his mom,

"I hate you."

And everybody in airport was like, "Oh!"

Then we looked and the lady was crying.
We're like, "What the fuck? Hey!

Fuck his ass up.

That's the only way he's gonna learn.
Fuck him up."

And everybody in the airport was going,
"Fuck him up!

Fuck him up!

Fuck him up!"
Then the fucking Latinos came up.

♪ A la bimba, a la boom
A la bim, bom, ba ♪

♪ Chingazos, chingazos ♪

♪ Ra, ra, ra ♪

[audience whooping and cheering]

And she said,

"I've never hit him in his life."

I said, "All right, then.
You get on the plane

and we'll fuck him up."

[audience laughs]

"Because he's gotta get fucked up."

Better he do it with some people
that are flying with him.

One time I told my grandmother,
when I was eight, oh,

I said, "I hate you!"

And she must've had one in the chambers.

"You hate me?

Mira, cabrón. I fucking hated you first.

Come on, fucking get it out. Get it out.

I can take it. Let it out, cabrón.

I hated you when you were born.
When I went to the hospital...

When you were born,
I went to the maternity, I said,

'Which is my grandson? The third one?'

Come on.

Get it out.

Cabrón, I hated you
when they were fucking making you.

In the house, I could hear... [moans]

You know what I said?
'Fucking swallow them!'"

[audience laughs]

That's how you get respect.

All this bullshit.

When Latina husbands die,
they never get remarried.

Cabrón, they wanna be...
They wanna feel the pain.

[moans]

"Today is the day that my world ended."

"What? What the fuck
are you talking about?"

"Today's the day...

that the love of my life...

went to heaven." You're like,

"What the fuck are you...

The cat?"

[audience laughs]

"My husband, pendejo."

He could be the worst fucking guy
when he was alive,

but when he dies, you're like,
"Who the fuck are they talking about?"

"Who are you talking about?"
"My husband, chinga cabrón."

"Tía,

didn't he light you on fire?"

[audience laughs]

"But the food wasn't ready.
Mira, don't blame him, all right?"

"Tía, at the fucking park, he hit you…

in the back…

with a shovel."

"I didn't duck, fucking smart-ass."

Never be alone.
Find somebody that you love.

Don't spend the rest of your life alone.

We all have that tía that's fucking sad.
Don't even...

She's not gonna put
eyebrows on any more. It just…

Just a blank face.

"I'm so excited.

You can't tell."

Go in there
and put some fucking lines up.

Because heartache is not for old people.

Heartbreak is for the young.

My tío broke up with his girlfriend.
He's fucking 63 years old,

looking in her window. Chivo viejo.

The fucking lady came out,
"Who's out there?" He's like, "I can't."

Fucking pedo. [imitates farting]

"I smell shit. Who's out here?"

Because when you get older,

your culo's the first thing that goes.

Sad.

When women have babies...

Let me say this. The vagina
that you've made love to...

is the same one
that's in the delivery room,

pero no parece. They…

They don't resemble each other at all.

The one that's in there, it's all swollen,
it's changing color.

The fucking nurse is like,

"It looks like you."
"Fuck you, bitch. I don't look like that.

Do I got shit all over me?

I've got insurance,
so don't fucking talk to me like that."

When...

When you made love, ella era chiquito.
Perfect, you know.

If you're gabacho, you're white,
a little piece of carrot cake.

If you're black, red velvet.

Chinito, fortune cookie.

[audience laughs]

If you're a Latino, pedazo de flan.

[audience laughs]

[audience cheering]

That is the best flanocha.

No bubbles, that is the best...

flanocha I think I've ever had.

It's a different thing.
Those kids grow up.

We don't baby-proof the house.

You'll be in the living room
and from the kitchen you'll hear...

[screams]

You go in there, fucking baby's
backed into the hot stove.

"Mira, cabrón, this is where
you backed in last year.

You see your skin from last year?

And this is where you backed in
right now.

So you're that much taller...

from last year.

You're not smarter
because you fucking did it again.

But you're taller."

Raise your kids to eat what they make.

Whatever your parents made, you ate.

Fucking 11 months old
with a fucking chile relleno in the crib.

Fucking cheese wrapped around your head.

"I dropped my beer! Hey!

Watch out, I dropped my beer."

Fucking baby monitors
are the other babies, they go,

"Tell 'em that I dropped my beer.

Hurry! No, you don't need a diaper.
Fucking go tell 'em."

All of that shit.

Latinas, beautiful women,
maybe the most beautiful.

[audience cheering]

Maybe the most beautiful in the world.

[audience whistling and cheering]

I wouldn't want to be
fucking married to one.

They don't wait for compliments.
They fucking compliment themselves.

They get dressed, come out,

"I'm losing weight, huh?"

[audience laughs]

"I am, huh?"

Fucking fishing. "Mira from right here."

Yeah.

They fucking let you go somewhere
with your friends,

they follow you to the car,

"Hey, and you're fucking lucky
that I'm letting you go.

I'm not talking to you. Fucking take off.

Take off before I fucking change my mind.
Take off.

Take off.

And if you fucking drink too much,
don't take a fucking Uber or a Lyft. Fuck.

Like a fucking man, aguántate.
Make it home."

You get pulled over by the police,
you're there like...

They say, "Can you do the alphabet
backwards?" Everybody in the car are like,

"Fuck, they got him! Shh!"

"The alphabet backwards?"

[audience laughs]

"A.

B.

How much...

C."

You end up fucking being a caretaker
for all of your relatives.

None of them want to go
to a nursing home.

None of them want to leave their house.

So somebody falls in the house.
You're watching TV

and fucking upstairs you hear...
[thumping]

"Ay!"

You're outside the room.
"Tía, are you all right?

"Me caí. I fell.

Ay! I fell, George. Don't come.

Me zurré. I shit a lot.

Me salió la caca."
You're in the fucking hallway... [gags]

You can't even smell it yet,
but you're... [gags]

You shouldn't be... [gags]

"Don't talk. I...

It's all over my back!"

[retches]

You're fucking down the hall! [retches]

"Where are you?" [retches]

Life Alert, that's some fucked-up shit
right there.

If you're a white lady and you give
your mom a fucking Life Alert,

you just telling her, "Hey, Mom.

We've officially abandoned you.

So when you fall, nobody's gonna
fucking be there to pick you up."

That's why you have that place to call.
"Help.

I've fallen."

Fucking operator gets on.
"Listen, lady, this is the fifth time

that you have fallen this week.

Your husband and your son

only paid for three falls...

a week.

So we're not going to be able
to pick you up

until the start
of the next billing period.

You wanna talk to a manager? All right."

No.

When somebody falls in our family,

after we're done laughing,

we pick them up and send them back
to the fucking kitchen.

"Vámonos, cabrona."

"How did you get out of that kitchen?
A place for Mom.

I got a place for Mom
by the fucking comal. Get your..."

You know, none of us can accept...

None of us can accept compliments.

You get a compliment in front of your mom.
"What makes you love George?"

"I just love... I love his laugh.
It's so cute."

You're like, "Fuck that. No, I don't.

I don't have a cute laugh."

"Well, he's so sharing."

"Him?"

And they never like who you like.

You show them a picture of anybody.

I used to point out women to my grandma.
I'd go, "What about that one right there?

Puta.

[audience laughs]

"Yeah. What about that one right there?
That one?"

"También fucking whore.

Look at the way she walks.
That's the way I walked when I was young.

And I was a whore too, so I know.

That's the walk."

You get old… Listen,
when you get old, you have kids.

Whenever you have a kid,

it's the best day in your life.

[audience member shouts]

It depends.

Because some of them
are little fucking cabrones.

That's a fucking...

a horrible price to pay
for not pulling out. Fucking...

"How old is he gonna be... Forever? Ah...

Now you tell me.
I would've fucking took it out!"

We ate what was in the refrigerator.

Fucking shit could be in there
for two years.

They could even stop making it.

You go in there and look at the milk.
You're like, "What the...

This milk is from July."

And there's your mom right there.
"Oh, okay, so at school,

you don't wanna fucking learn.

But at home,
you fucking can't stop reading.

Huh?

Fuck that!

Fucking Rosetta Stone.

You can't fucking stop...

You can stop learning, huh?"

And you couldn't say
there was nothing to eat

because they'll find fucking something
for you to eat.

In the back of the refrigerator
in a packet,

one fucking hot dog

covered in fat.
Todo quemado from the light.

They pull it out. "Eat that."

"Fuck, that's covered in fat."

"And you're not?

Son of a bitch.

Mira, cabrón.

Go to the bathroom and take your shirt off
and look in the mirror,

and come back and apologize
to that fucking hot dog.

Apologize to the hot dog!"

Fucking apologize to a fucking hot dog?

Every day somebody, you know, comes up
and says some stupid shit to you.

In the elevator... Listen,
nobody wants to talk in the elevator.

That's why people do this shit.

You learn those lessons.

I said to this guy,
"I'm only in town till tomorrow."

This dude looked at me and said, "Good,

that's more than enough time
for you to go fuck yourself."

[audience laughs]

And that's how you learn not to talk
in the fucking elevator.

Somebody said to me,
"Have you taken a spin class?"

I'm like, "What the fuck? What?"

"A spin class?" I said, "Hey.

Mira, fucking Mexicans, if we ride a bike,

an hour later,
we can't be in the same fucking place.

We got to be an hour away."

When you're done with the class,

you're in the same place,
getting your fucking culo...

"Where did you go?"
"I was riding the bike right here."

"We're fucking waiting
for you over there!" "Fucking right...

I told you that bike didn't go nowhere."

That's what it is. Listen.
And we're trying to eat right.

No Latinos want to live forever,
but we still enjoy our food.

We're not going to live forever,

so enjoy  your food,
eat what you want to eat.

Fuck it, order the fucking cow!

[moos]

Now it's getting fucking ridiculous.

Now you go to a Mexican restaurant,
you'll hear people, they'll be like,

"Hi, señor."

Fucking waiter's been there 40 years.
He is waiting.

"Hi, these chicken tacos, um,

was the chicken humanely put down?

"Qué, qué?" "Was he... humanely put down?"

"Yeah.

We pet him until he died."

[audience laughs]

We're not trying to live forever.

We don't know our cholesterol.
The first time we ever take

our blood pressure is at the market.

They have that free machine.

You put your arm in there.
You push the button.

That shit starts filling up with air.

[imitates air filling]

"Ay!"

When the number comes up,
everybody's trying to look.

"Hey, fucking back away.
That's my number."

"What is it?"
"What it was last year, 280 over...

125.

It says I'm supposed to be dead,
pero mira...

Got a lot of shit to do. I can't be dead."

We don't want to go to the doctor.
We don't want to know.

Now, I think the craziest thing

in our culture right now is

the gender... reveal...

party.

If white people could not be
fucking whiter,

to have a fucking gender... reveal...

party,

where all the families are around.
They're like...

"Pop the balloons, Dylan! Dylan!"

Fucking Latinos, we don't care
pink or blue.

Is it ours?

"Is it mine? Bring him over here.

He better be fucking darker
when he gets over here

'cause he looks pretty light over there."

We don't get wrapped up in all that shit.

The people that take pictures
of their food...

at a restaurant,
and then send a picture to you.

You're not at the restaurant.

But they send the picture
of the food to you.

You're at home and you get a picture
of a fucking steak.

And you're not there.

So get a picture of some caca,
send it back.

[audience laughs]

"Fuck is this?"
"That's before and after, motherfucker."

I'll see your fucking steak.

Then you send a picture of your palito.

You're like, "Hey, that's for dessert.
Anybody want some?

I'll bring you some dipping sauce
right there."

Nobody cares.

Everybody talking shit. I was in New York
and you're eating a hot dog of course.

Everybody fucking has to look.
This man says, "Oh, you know,

once you know what a hot dog is made of,

you'd never want to eat another one."

"Oh, yeah?

Well, I know what a panocha does,
I still eat that."

[audience laughs and applauds]

"So mind your own fucking business,
pinche viejo."

If you're going to spend time
with your child

reading bedtime stories
that don't make any fucking sense,

use that time to tell your kid

that they can be whatever they want
in this world.

That they matter.

[audience cheering and applauding]

That their voice will always be heard.

And for them to be happy first.

Because...

if you're going to tell them
a fucking fairy-tale, tell them that one.

Listen, they didn't prepare us
for the life inside the house.

They prepared us for the life
outside in the world.

You know.

We're prepared for any fucking situation.

So teach your kids to have respect.

Teach your kids
to behave themselves in public.

[audience cheering and applauding]

Tantrums? Not us.

I didn't have a tantrum
till about fifty... I was fifty...

three years old, my grandmother
had been dead for seven years.

I still look around. [sniffs]

"I smell fucking Oil of Olay.
Is she around somewhere?"

That's who they are. Fuck!

Hey, this year,

the first women went to space.

They did a space walk, two women...

for the first time ever.

And I bet their husbands were like, "Fuck,
they're still not far away enough, huh?

Shit.

Let us know when they come
into the Earth's atmosphere

so we can start fucking cleaning.

And change the baby."

[audience cheering]

I think...

I think in our lifetime,
I think there might be...

a Latino president, I think.

If this fucking puto can be president,
fucking anybody can be fucking president.

Your fucking tío.

"Everything is free. Qué pasó?
I can't do that? Órale."

We'd take care if we fucking get
a Latino president. A Latina better.

[audience cheering]

The president, you'll never see
that motherfucker.

He'll never leave the White House.

"Go back home. You went out last night.

You know you don't go out
two nights in a row.

If they wanna talk to you,
they can fucking come over here.

All right? You're not going.

Give me that phone.
I'll tell them you're not going."

That's who we are.
Listen, this country is better

than what it is right now. Listen,

you can't have people
call the fucking police on other people

just because they're some place that you
don't like where they are. This country...

We need to start to go back
to minding our own fucking business

and just letting people do their shit.

[audience cheering and applauding]

You got fucking white people
that call the police

on black people in Starbucks.
They're all fucking scared. "Hi.

They're in here. Please help.

I can't talk. I can't talk.

I'm going to use coffee codes, okay?

There's four espressos.

Two horchatas just walked in.

And three micheladas. Oh, my God, hurry!

Soy sauce, soy sauce. Hurry!"

Fuck that shit. Listen.

That's bullshit.

Everything that's happened
in this country

that has been domestic terrorism

has not been done

by any African-American people
or Latino people.

[audience cheering and applauding]

Mass shooters?

Not us.

We don't like to walk into a room
where we don't know nobody.

When you walk in...

"Yeah... no, I'm cool. I'm all right.

I thought my tía was in here.
I'll be back."

Not us.

Shooting up a school?

Never.

And we fucking hate school. You'd think...

You'd think we'd be the first kids
to shoot a fucking school up.

"We're having a test." "No, we're not."
[imitates gunfire]

If we shot up a school,
we wouldn't shoot kids.

We'd shoot where they keep
the fucking attendance records.

"They're right there."

[imitates gunfire]

You go back after school.

They're like, "Do you remember
what your grade point average was?"

"Mine? Oh.

It was high in a combo.

It was up there. I think it was...

combo 21-point...

21.5, por ahí.

Four or five.

21.5.

My GPA. GP...

GPA...

GP yi-yay.

Por ahí."

Listen.

Every week, you see on the news

that a teacher has been arrested
for having sex with a student.

And none of the teachers...

Están feítas. They're all...

Hey, they're fucking beautiful.
Not like ours. Ours...

If a teacher tried to fuck us

back in the day, you'd look
at your teacher, you'd be like...

"You know what, Mrs. Smith,
I'm gonna take the F.

I'm gonna take the F.

You can try again in summer school,
but I don't know."

No.

These kids turn the teacher in.

That's how fucking different they are
from us. They turn...

the teacher in.

Us?

Nobody would be late for school.
Fuck, at 5:30 in the morning...

Fucking long-ass line.

[audience laughs]

"I gotta go home. I'll be right back."

And if we did tell somebody,
they wouldn't fucking believe it.

That teacher me está chupando.

"Get the fuck outta here!

Fucking liar. Bullshit!

Bullshit.

Why would Mrs Anderson wanna suck
a fat Mexican's dick?"

[audience laughs]

"That's what I told her,
but she still did it. I dunno.

[audience laughs]

Tell her, don't tell me. Fuck."

You go there,

to the principal's office.

The principal's there.

Mrs. Anderson,

the police,

your mom, your dad...

your stepfather.

"Come in, George Lopez.
Did Mrs. Anderson perform fellatio?

Were you ejaculated by her?"

[speaking Spanish]

[audience cheering and applauding]

Listen.

We love this country. Understand that.

All right?

All the bullshit... All that shit,
blow up a federal building...

no.

That's where the checks come from.
Bullshit.

We're not stupid.

"What the fuck? That's where the checks...

I thought you said yeah."

Don't leave your kids
with your grandparents

because you're leaving
with your mom's mom...

You try to discipline them
like they discipline you,

your mom'll be like, "Hey...

Don't you talk to my grandson like that,
mira.

As long as I'm alive,
you show fucking respect to him.

All right? You show respect."

"You yelled at me."
"That's fucking different, pendejo.

He's smart.

He's not like you. He don't wear
his helmet all day like you."

We didn't talk back. You could leave us
in the car back in the summer.

Now you can't. You could leave us
in the car with the windows rolled up.

See the police. "No, fuck... You're gonna
get me in trouble. I got it. I'm alright.

I've only been here an hour and a half.
I got it. I'm cool.

Go away. Go fight real crime. I got it."

You know... That's the future.

That's the future of this country.

It's Latino diversity.

Chino, Latino, black, white.
They're in here tonight.

This is diversity at its finest.

We're not going nowhere, cabrón!

[audience cheering]

Woo-hoo!

Be happy. Be happy in your life.
Don't let anybody tell you what to do.

Don't wait to get sick
to want to live, alright?

So be happy in your life.

Huh?

Be in love, be happy.

Appreciate all the moments.

If you've still got older people
in the family,

take pictures of them,

hold their hands, comb their hair,

get them pedo one more time.

That's how we do it.

I love my community.

I love Latino people all over the world.

We don't know each other.

[audience cheering]

But we follow this simple rule.

You fuck with one bean,

you fuck with the whole burrito.

[audience laughs and cheers]

Appreciate you guys coming to see me.
I love you guys.

Thank you. Gracias.

[audience cheering]

[soulful music plays]

♪ Gotta love, gotta love one another ♪

♪ Gotta love, gotta love one another ♪

♪ Gotta love, gotta love... ♪

Thank you, everybody! Órale!

♪ Gotta love, gotta love one another ♪

♪ Gotta love, gotta love one another ♪

♪ Gotta love, gotta love one another ♪

♪ Gotta love, gotta love one another ♪

♪ Gotta love, gotta love one another ♪

♪ Gotta love, gotta love one another ♪

♪ Gotta love, gotta love one another ♪

♪ Gotta love, gotta love one another ♪

♪ Gotta love, gotta love one another ♪