George Carlin... It's Bad for Ya! (2008) - full transcript

Hi, this is George Carlin,
and I thought we might take

a look at some of the pictures
from the days

when my show business career
was just starting.

This is one of the earliest
photos of my days as an actor.

Here I'm playing the part
of a baby in an early production

of a play called
"Hold Onto The Rail."

As proof of the intensity
I brought to the role,

lying nearby you can see a doll
that I had recently strangled.

This is a candid photo
of my first manager and I

having a business conference
in the park,

where we knew we
couldn't be bugged.



In this photo I am trying out
a new funny face

that I had been working
on for about six months.

Now, here I am with, uh,
two of my fellow actors

from the West Harlem production
of either Ben Hur

or the Sound of Music.

You can't really tell from what
we're wearing there

because those are
our street clothes.

And the person off to one side
is our personal manager

who insisted on being in all
of our publicity photos.

This is a rare photo, uh,
this is a photo of me

in a singing group called
The Mills Brothers.

Uh, we didn't know that there
was already a group in existence

by that name.

The Mills Brothers sued us,
so we dropped two guys



and changed the named
to Mickey and Sylvia.

This is a picture of the time
I came in second

in a suntan contest.

The boy in the middle won,
but it was, uh,

later he was disqualified
when it was discovered

he had been using pep pills.

Uh, this is the same photo with
the negative reversed.

As you can see,

the suntans are approximately
the same on the back.

This is me during an early
suicide attempt.

I was despondent at that time
because my puberty

was coming along very slowly.

This one was taken during
the nationwide search

for a replacement for Lassie.

I remember this picture.

I'm trying to get my dog Spotty,
a fox terrier,

to stand up straight and act
like a collie.

Uh, although he didn't get
the part, later he did go

on to become Mars the Cat God,
rest his soul's manager.

This is a picture of me
and the boy who doubled for me

during my early film career.

Normally I did all my own stunts

except for the scenes involving
homosexuality, of course,

and this boy served
that purpose.

This is me singing
in a trio I had started

which was called The Inkspots.

Oddly enough, the NAACP sued the
trio and forced me to drop out

when I couldn't prove
there was such a thing

as flesh colored ink.

This is my first
communion picture.

It was so well received
that I decided

to use it for publicity,
and to this day,

this is the picture that I send
out when producers call

and ask me if I'm interested
in serious acting.

And that brings me to today,
here in Phoenix, Arizona,

where we're going to shoot
one of these comedy shows

for the first time in the round.

So I'll see you around.

All right, now,
I'm starting to feel it Marty.

Let's go, Marty.

All right.

No, I want to do like,
this is what guys who run do,

sprinters do this,
60-yard dash.

I always wonder if they're gonna
run on their fingers or what.

Okay, getting ready to go.

Hey, how are you there?

Okay, we're getting ready to go.
We're getting ready.

All right, we're going to hire
you on good judge of character.

Hi, how are you?

Looks like you made it

all the way out to the van
during half-time.

That's good.

Any time.

What?

Go.

I can go out, on-stage?

Yeah.

Oh, all right.

Ah, yes, thank you.

Thank you.

Very nice,
thank you very much.

Well, thank you.

Well, I do thank you.

And you all got here.

Imagine that, we all got here.

That's what always knocks me out
about the audience,

the audience comes
from everywhere.

Audiences come from all
different houses,

different apartments,
all over town,

different rooms.

Imagine that,
you had to leave your room

and come on to the theater.

Maybe you had to drive here,
that's how a lot of us got here.

You had to get in and drive
the big iron thing,

trying real hard not
to hit anyone else

in the other big iron things.

But we got here.

Now, all we have
to do is get back again.

I do think about
the audience, though,

I'm in the audience, too.

You know, I mean, I feel like
I'm in the audience,

I just happen to have the best
seat in the house, that's all.

I am in the audience, and I know
the things you think of.

I think of them too.

When I'm driving to the theater
going to be in the audience

I'm thinking to myself,

what kind of a member of
the audience will I be tonight?

Will I be a credit to my row?

Will we win row of the year?

Suppose we get some shit
from another section?

If there's a fire drill,
will I file out safely,

or trample the shit
out of my neighbor?

Pardon me, fire, look out, fire,
pardon me, fire, fire, look out,

pardon me, fire.

We never practice that one,
do we, panicking.

We never practice panicking, we
practice going out neatly,

pardon me, fire, look out,
pardon me, fire, fire, yeah,

pardon me, fire.

We never do that, I don't know
why we practice so much.

If we could learn to climb
over one another,

we might save a few lives.

I wonder, I wonder
a lot of things.

I wonder what it's like
when I'm not there.

Do you wonder what it's like
when you're not there anymore,

when you're gone?

You know, you were somewhere,
you were over here

with your friends and you're
talking some shit with them.

You say we'll see you later,
Phil, we're going downtown,

and then you leave.

Do you wonder what it's like
over there now?

I wonder are they gonna treat me
right while I'm gone?

What's it like?

I wonder a lot of things,
but that's my job.

My job is thinking up
goofy shit.

You know, that's my job,
thinking up goofy shit.

My job is to think up stuff
and come around

and remind you of it.

Cause you already knew it,

you just forgot to laugh at it,
that's all.

My job to remind you.

I wonder about things like,

I wonder if on a rainy night
the sandman sends the mudman.

You'd think it would be his job.

I wonder why we don't have any
large craft warnings.

Apparently we don't care about
the big boats, huh?

I wonder why Marineland doesn't
have a display of fish sticks.

I mean, it's a seafood,
I'd like to see it.

In fact, I'd like to see Mrs.
Paul herself come swimming by.

Hi, boys.

I wonder if a centipede

wants to kick another centipede
in the shins,

does he kick one leg at a time,

or does he stand on 50
and kick with 50?

I wonder why there are not
waiters in waiting rooms.

They're all in the restaurant.

I wonder why women wear
evening gowns to nightclubs.

Why don't they wear nightgowns?

And I wonder why fluorescent
lights seem afraid to come on.

Have you ever noticed,
you turn them on and they go

blip, blip, blip, blip, blip...

finally they'll come on
after you coax them a little.

I wonder why Kleenex
doesn't have a target

in the middle of it.

Don't you think
we need a bulls-eye

right in the middle
of the Kleenex?

I wonder about hats.

Did you ever notice

that when you have a hat on
for a long time,

it feels like it's not there.

And then when you take it off,
it feels like it's still there.

That's creepy.

I wonder about frog's legs.

In those restaurants
where they serve frog's legs,

what do they do with
the rest of the frog?

What, do they just
throw it away?

I mean, they don't have frog
torsos on the menu.

They must be doing
something with them.

They throw them away.

Can you imagine a barrel full
of frog bodies in the restaurant

and some drunk coming down
the alley, oh, goddamn.

I wouldn't wanna see that.

I wonder about who empties
wishing wells.

Who the hell empties
the wishing wells?

That's our money.

I've never seen an accounting.

Does anybody ever tell
you, no, gone, just gone.

Someone picked it up,
someone emptied the well.

I'm sure they don't come around
at 3:00 in the afternoon

on Sunday with a little girl
in her first communion dress

dropping a dime.

3:00 in the morning, black
T-shirts empty the wishing well.

It's our money and I want some
of it back.

I wonder if movie directors have
credits on their dreams.

And I wonder why there's
no blue food.

Where the hell is the blue food?

Every other food
is represented...

I mean, every other color,

every other color
is represented.

I mean, every color... okay,

red is raspberry, cherry
and strawberry,

orange is orange,

yellow is lemon,

green is lime,

brown is meat.

There's no blue food.

Why the hell was blue
left out of the food thing?

Somebody's got the blue
food, goddammit.

Somebody's got it.

It probably bestows immortality,

that's why we
haven't been given any.

And don't say blueberries,
we know they're purple.

You look at a blueberry and
you see that sucker is purple.

Bleu cheese, no, bleu cheese is
just white cheese

with a bunch of mold in it, man.

And bluefish, God knows,
you open one up

they're every color
under the sun.

Well, enough of that shit.

I wonder, I wonder which came
first, skilled workers

or unskilled,

and who decided?

I figure originally
all we had was workers,

and then they decided,
this is hard.

And they called
themselves skilled.

And someone else came along
they couldn't do it,

poor unskilled son of a bitch.

They moved right past
his ass, man,

when he was just
in the landing area.

Do you think maybe
Charlie McCarthy

has little wooden balls?

I've always wondered that.

Hi, Charlie, hi, Charlie.

You know what I wonder about,
I wonder we buy flowers.

Why do we buy flowers?
They're free.

They grow all over.

Yet, we buy them,
we pay good money for flowers,

flowers that are dying,
I might add.

That's a little strange,
flowers is one,

flowers is one of
the few things that you buy,

you bring it to your house,

and if they die you don't
give a shit.

Normally, you'd be asking
for your money back

on anything that died.

Are you kidding me, these things
keeled over on the piano.

Flowers.

I wonder why I've never seen
anyone cleaning a church.

Have you? I've never seen
someone cleaning a church.

A lot of things go on in church.

You never see a cleaning crew
going in there with pails

and mops and shit.

It just never happens.

Why don't they clean churches?

You know why? Churches
don't need to be cleaned,

they clean themselves overnight.

That's how they know
they're churches.

Come back the next morning,
shit, it's still clean,

must be a church.

Does the time bother you?

I get bothered by the time.

Not so much the time itself, the
people bother me for the time.

People come up to me
on the street,

I'm sure you've had
this happen to you,

people come up to you and say
what time it is,

or they might say
what time is it?

I shouldn't get
into these ballads.

You've had people come up
to you and say, what time is it?

What time is it?

As if you personally were
responsible for keeping time.

You know, I feel, I feel
honored, first of all,

that they thought
I was the man in charge.

But I do have to explain,

you don't see official
timekeeper on here, do you?

I don't have the time
of course not.

Do you have the time?

That's another way they say it,
do you have the time?

I say, uh, no,
I don't believe I do.

I certainly didn't have it
this morning.

Did you leave it somewhere?

Well, do you have the time?

No, I don't have the time.

I use a little of it like
everyone, you know,

but I don't have it.

I think, I think the Navy
has it, in Washington.

Isn't that, they keep it in
an observatory, that's right.

Sure, they let out
a little of it each day.

Not too much, they wouldn't
want to give us too much,

just enough time.

Sometimes they'll say,
do you know what time it is?

And I say, yes.

I hate to disappoint them,
but there is no time.

There is no time.

I don't mean there's no time,
I mean there's no time.

When the hell is it?

We made that whole thing up.

There's no time,
we made it up.

It's a manmade invention, time.

There are no numbers
up in the sky.

I've looked,
they're not there.

We made this stuff up,
when is it?

When the hell is it, when are
we, I ask you, when are we?

Sometimes we think
we know where we are,

but we don't really know
when we are.

When the hell is it?

All the time zones
are different,

every calendar you run
across is different.

They'll all give you
a different answer.

These are calendars,
these are made to...

to keep track of time.

Everybody's got a different one.

The Chinese are way up there
in the 5 and 6000's,

Hebrew calendar is way up
in the 5 and 6000's,

we're up at about 1977.

Well, shit, this ain't a couple
of weeks these people are off,

this is thousands of goddamn
years that are missing, man.

How did they do that?

We don't, we don't know
when the hell is it,

it could be the middle of
last month, for all we know.

I mean, time is so,
we've got it down so perfect

that every four years we have to
stick in an extra day

just to make sure
it still works,

and we call it February 29th.

Bullshit,
it's March 1st and I know it.

It just feels like March 1st.

You can't keep track of the
time, what's the sense.

Give you an example,
there's a moment coming,

it's not here yet, it's still
on the way, it's in the future,

it hasn't arrived,
here it comes, here it is,

oh, shit, it's gone.

There's no now,
there's no now,

everything is the near future
or the recent past.

But there's no present.

Welcome to the present, whoosh,
gone again.

It's just so imprecise.

We don't even care to use the
minutes and seconds and hours

that we've been given,

everybody's very vague
about the time.

They say what time you got,
I got, uh, I got just after.

Just after, geez, I must be
slow, I had going on.

And where did that
imprecision begin?

Why is it we're not so sure?

I know one of the clues
that happened to me

was when they started telling me
about moments when I was a kid.

They were trying to teach me how
to tell time, and of course,

you can't tell time,
time tells you.

But they were trying,
they were trying to show me.

Now the big hand,
I said I don't have a big hand.

Never mind, look at the clock.

And the clock is so wonderful,
there's so much emotion

attached to a clock face.

I hate digital clocks.

Digital clocks rob me of all the
emotional experience

of the spatial relationships on
that face of the clock.

Isn't it true, I mean, don't you
always feel that this half hour

when it comes down
from 12 down to 6

goes by a lot quicker
than this half hour

when it has to come up
fighting gravity all the way?

I know, it does go a lot
quicker, yeah.

Oh, I got ya, yeah.

I'll tell ya, I'll tell ya this,
if I only have a half to live,

I want it to be this one, man.

I wanna last just a little bit
longer than this one here.

It's vague, that's all I'm
saying, it's very vague

how we treat time.

We have all these wonderful
expressions, we say now,

now is an interesting one.

When, now, you want that now?

Yes.

Well, would you like
to try again.

Or sometimes just now,
just now, did you hear that?

What?

Just now.

You must mean just then,
don't you?

Yes, just then,
but there it goes again.

When?

- Now?
- No, not now.

Pardon me,
do you have the time?

When do you mean,
now or when you asked me?

This shit is moving, Ruth.

We got a lot of
these vague terms,

right away, immediately,
at once, lickety split,

just like that, nothing flat,
drop of a hat, no time at all,

as quick as you can
say Jack Robinson.

I'm sure you've done
that to people,

I'll be back before
you can say Jack Robinson.

Jack Robinson,
you're not back.

How about, a jiffy, a jiffy,
or a flash?

Which is quicker?

A jiffy or a flash?

I think there are two flashes
in a jiffy, myself.

But God knows how
many jiffies there are

in two shakes of a lamb's tail.

And why did they use two
shakes of a lamb's tail,

what's wrong with the basic
unit of measurement,

one shake of a lamb's tail?

We can do our own
arithmetic, thank you.

Belched a little there.

Tried to swallow that one.

Then we have words like soon.

Soon, that's
a very emotional word,

there's a lot of potential
for drama in that word, soon.

Soon, soon, is your mother
coming home?

Uh-huh.

When?

Soon.

Real soon.

As soon as she can.

Sooner than you think,
that's kind of a spooky one,

Sooner than I think?

That's a little bit like
before you know it.

I'll be back before you know it.

He did it, holy Christ,
look at that.

And we go on with these
terms that we use,

these vague terms of time,
one of these days,

before long,

any time now.

Well, that's true, everything is
gonna happen any time now.

Any day now, that's kind of
a snotty one, any day now.

Hey, I'll be giving you that
five bucks I owe you, Bill.

Yeah, any day now.

Sooner or later, now and then,
once in a while,

from time to time,

in a little while.

In a little while, that will
just be a little while.

That's a wonderful one,
and I just love that.

It sounds so benign,
just a little while.

Couldn't hurt you, could it?

You can wait a little while.

It'll only be a little while
longer, just a little while.

That's so different
from a short time.

Short time sounds sound almost
terminal, doesn't it?

You only have a short time.

Whereas you have a little while.

Oh, I'd rather have a little
while than a short time.

You know, we've got long ways
we measure time,

we've got vast distances
of time we measure.

People will say things like
kingdom come,

I'm... I'm gonna be standing here
till kingdom come.

Shit, I don't have that
on my watch.

Doomsday, you say? Doomsday.

Till the cows come home.

Now, that's an easy
one to understand,

that's long about dusk,
isn't it?

If you leave them out overnight
they'd burst.

Here's a long period of time,
forever.

Some people will tell you,

gosh, I've been standing
on this line forever.

Look at this, Dave, this man has
been standing on line forever.

He looks fairly fresh to me.

Almost like an eternity,
people will tell you,

it's... it's almost
like an eternity,

as if they had experience
with eternities.

Now, you must have a favorite
period of time.

I have some favorites,

I just want to try a few
of them on you.

It isn't easy, uh, to select
a favorite period of time,

so many of them are attractive,

but there are little periods
of time that, um,

that you might relate to.

Of course, the most basic period
of time I feel is five minutes.

That seems to be the one
everyone chooses.

If they need to think of a
period of time real quickly,

they just go five minutes,
just five minutes,

I'll be there in
just five minutes,

give me five minutes,
would you please

just, would you just give me
five minutes?

Are you kidding me, I can fix
that shit in five minutes.

Five minutes, that's all most
people want, five minutes,

a good, solid, nice
period of time.

You can do anything
for five minutes, can't you?

I mean anything.

Even things you really hate.

Yeah, you can probably
do it for five minutes.

Hey, let's go talk to Ted.

Are you kidding?
Ted's an asshole.

Look, just five minutes, huh?

Okay, let's give him
five minutes.

Not ten, ten I can't make,

now you're getting
into double digits,

you're starting
to fool with my head.

Time, five, ten minutes.

Fifteen minutes is popular,
you hear fifteen quite a bit.

But it's, it's sort
of an institutional one,

it's kind of an official
time period, 15 minutes.

Has a touch of regulatory,
uh, quality to it, doesn't it?

It sounds like something you're
not supposed to do,

or have to do for 15 minutes.

Fifteen minutes.

I like 20 minutes.

Doesn't that sound free
compared to 15, 15 minutes?

Twenty minutes.

I'll be back in 20 minutes.

Gosh, what's he gonna do?

Do you have those
news stories for me?

Maybe let's go to the news
reports, man.

Tell us what's
going on around the world.

God knows you're not home
to find out.

Thank you, thank you, Walter,
let's do it.

I just want to keep you
up to date,

there's a few things
that have happened

while we've been sitting here,

and it's not nice to ignore
the rest of the world.

Let's take a look,

I'd like to take a look
at the news.

First of all, the headlines,

three Shriners have been killed
in a whoopee cushion explosion,

21 killed in 21-gun salute,

rapist swallows whistle.

Oh, the head of the lost and
found has been reported missing.

And a vegetarian has been beaten
to death by a meat packer.

Oh, some vegetarians?

Have I been ignoring
your section?

I'm really sorry.

Well, we'll be okay, though,
cause, um, you know,

I just can't think
of everything.

But I'm now, I'm gonna do
about 10 straight stories

just for these folks here.

Back into the news.

Police fired over the heads
of rioters today,

however they killed 200 people
standing on a balcony.

A 107-year-old woman in Florida
is reported to be pregnant.

Physicians claim that because
of her advanced age,

she will have a grown-up.

Scientists have discovered a new
disease which has no symptoms.

It is impossible to detect,
and there's no known cure.

Fortunately, no cases have been
reported thus far.

A man has barricaded himself
inside of his house,

however, he is not armed

and no one is paying
any attention to him.

The Surgeon General
announced today

that saliva causes
stomach cancer.

However, only when swallowed
in small amounts

over a long period of time.

A woman was severely
injured today

when she attempted to
force breast feed a wildcat.

And the results of the latest
Gallop Poll have come in.

It seems that 29 percent
of the people were not home,

14 percent of the people
made believe they weren't home,

6 percent of the people could
not operate the doorknob,

and 3 percent were
wearing underwear

and had to stand sideways.

The Bureau of Indian Affairs
announced today

that they have found
another Mohican.

Accordingly, all the books
are being called back in

and will be changed to read

The Next To the Last
of the Mohicans.

In France today, a baby was
born wearing glasses

and holding a Quaalude.

A high-speed chase ended today
when the car stopped

and the people got out.

A dog exploded on a busy
downtown street corner today.

No one was killed, however
12 people were overcome by fur.

Police estimate
that 50 to 60 fleas

also lost their lives
in the blast.

Scientists in Switzerland
announced today

that they have been able
to make mice fart

by holding them upside down

and tapping them on the stomach
with a pencil.

A Milwaukee man has been
arrested for attempting to use

food stamps to mail a box
of macaroni.

Earthquake, an earthquake has
hit the maternity home...

maternity home, there's no such
place as a maternity home...

an earthquake has struck
the maternity hospital,

three people were killed,
however, six people were born.

A priest who has performed 300
exorcisms was eaten today

by a green boogie man.

Out at the lake
in City Park today,

police arrested a one-armed man

who was bothering
the other boaters

by continuously
rowing in a circle.

A man at a tool and die company,
died today

when he was hit with a tool.

A severely disturbed geography
teacher has been arrested

after killing six people

who did not know
the capital of Scotland.

A man in Detroit
is suing a soup company,

claiming that a bowl
of alphabet soup

spelled out an obscene message
to his wife.

A heavily-armed man in Seattle
has taken six hostages,

he's demanding $3 million
and someone to share driving

and expenses to St. Louis.

Police today announced they have
broken up an amphetamine ring,

narcotics detectives broke in

and arrested six out of ten
of the speed dealers

they had under suspicion.

The other four got away

by running completely
across Canada.

A man who was shot in the chest
nine times yesterday

and refused treatment...

died today...

of nine shots in the chest.

A man in Cincinnati
is suing a hospital,

claiming he entered the hospital
for a vasectomy

and was castrated instead.

When the chief surgeon was asked
how such a mistake might happen,

he said, well, it all started
out as a joke.

We were pretending we were
going to castrate him

and he got real snotty
so we offed his balls.

The man himself was
philosophical about it,

he said well, it's just that
much less to wash.

Tragedy struck the parade today
as an open manhole

claimed the lives of
1200 marchers, one at a time.

A man who shot and killed
all 12 members of a jury

which convicted him last year,
goes on trial again today.

A set of Siamese twins

which was surgically separated
six months ago

was sewn back
together again today

because each of them only knows
one half of the combination

to their locker.

A man who has...
a man who was...

this is kind of one
where you're gonna moan,

but I'm gonna do it anyway.

Okay, a little pre-moaning,
that's nice.

Visine, do they look that red?

Would you hold that for me.

Oh, hey, now I need it,
now I need it.

It's like starting a fire for
the charcoal burner, you know?

God, well, that's gonna be nice,
That'll really...

Well, anyway, would you hold
them both for me.

Now you're under arrest.

Here comes the Wisine,
as we say,

in the middle part of Europe.

Well, there ain't
much of this left,

but there is one final story

that I would like to wind
up with, folks,

and I do thank you
for that Visine,

but I didn't smoke at half-time,

so if they're red, it's just
natural eyeball blood pressure,

or whatever you call that shit.

I was, the one you
were gonna moan about,

I was gonna tell a man...

about a man who was scheduled
for a heart transplant

who decided not to have it.

He had a change of heart,
you know?

I love that shit, that's why...
I know why you're moaning,

because you wish you had thought
of the goddamn thing yourself.

I have to think that.

Like to wind up the news tonight
with sort of a little story,

kind of a human interest story
about man's best friend.

It seems that 65-year-old
James Driscoll was asleep

in his downtown hotel room
last Wednesday

when he was awakened by
the sound of a dog barking.

When he woke, he found the room
was full of smoke,

he could not see, and the dog
led him out of the room,

down the hall,
and into an elevator shaft

where he plunged eight stories
to his death.

I want to do a... a nostalgic
thing here for my own sake

and for the request of a couple
of people that are on the crew

that are listening
or looking through viewers,

or listening on headsets
or whatever,

and do a little, uh, weather
forecast from Al Sleet,

Al Sleet,
the hippy-dippy weatherman.

Hey, baby, what's happening.

Que pasa?

Que what you call your pasa?

Al Sleet here,
your hippy-dippy weatherman,

with all the hippy-dippy
weather, man.

Brought to you by
Parson's Pest Control.

Do you have termites,
waterbugs and roaches?

Well, Parson's will help you

get rid of the termites
and waterbugs,

and help you
smoke the roaches.

Hey.

Temperature at the airport is 88
degrees, which is stupid, man,

cause I don't know anybody who
lives at the airport.

Now if you'll take a look at our
national weather map,

you'll see that we don't
have one.

So try to picture last night's
map in your mind.

Remember all the letters
and lines,

all them little numbers.

The weather is dominated
by a large Canadian low,

which is not to be confused
with a Mexican high.

Tonight's forecast, dark,

continued dark tonight,

turning to partly light
in the morning.

Old Al, Al got out
of the weather business

and he's, uh, he's now a,
a linoleum,

uh, quality control inspector
in a linoleum plant.

Al, he only wanted to get out
of the media.

You know, he said fuck it,
I don't need it.

And, uh, hey,
who can blame him.

I don't know, but Al got out
of weather when he realized

he had given the...
the final weather forecast.

He had given the ultimate
forecast,

there was nowhere to go.

You know, when there's nothing
left to conquer in your field,

hey, it's time to leave.

And old Al had given
the ultimate forecast,

he told us, he said one night

that the weather will continue
to change on and off

for a long, long time.

Then he was gone from it.
God bless Al.

Okay.

Yes, you're all,
you're all going to die.

Didn't mean to remind you of it,
but it is on your schedule.

Yes, it probably won't happen
when you want.

It usually comes along when
you're not expecting.

Generally you have your stamp
collection out, you know?

Now?

Now.

Just want a little time to put
away your hinges, you know?

No, there's a time to die,
and it's okay, you know?

It's really okay.

Nobody wants to die, nobody.

Well, you know, ha ha,
most people don't wanna die.

Nobody wants to die.

Boy, if you think
being sick is no fun,

dying is really
a pain in the ass.

Nobody wants to die.

People don't mind being dead,
being dead is great,

but getting dead,

nobody wants to get dead.

So I hope I don't die.

I wonder how often we think
that, you know?

It's just under the surface,
isn't it?

You go out for the day,
going out of your house,

geez, I hope I don't die.

It would really spoil the circus
if I were to die.

Geez, I hope I don't die.

Comedians don't wanna die.

It's only a metaphor,
but it's true of all of us,

we don't wanna die out there.

A comic's gonna die,
I don't want to die.

Geez, I was dying out there,
I was dying,

it was death out there.

It was like a morgue.

I don't wanna die.

Of course, if the comedian
doesn't die, you know?

If he succeeds, if he makes you
laugh, then he can say,

I killed 'em.

I killed 'em.

So, it's either me or you, you
know, just like on the freeway.

Yeah, dying shouldn't be that
bad, it shouldn't be that bad.

We're all gonna do it, it's one
of the few fair things in life,

everybody catches it once.

And dying should be fun,

there should be some sort
of a look ahead.

I mean, after all,
when you die

you're gonna find out
where you go.

Haven't we been wondering
about that a long time,

where the hell we go.

Isn't that the biggest thing
we have to wonder about,

where the hell do you go?

I don't know.

Joe thinks he knows.

I know Joe thinks he knows,
but Joe don't know.

Where do we go?

Nobody knows.

Well, I think sometimes you go
where you think you're gonna go,

whatever you think
you're gonna do,

that's where you're
probably gonna go.

If you keep saying you're
gonna go somewhere,

chances are you might go there.

You ever hear those guys say,
I'm going to hell,

don't pray for me.

Don't pray for me,
I'm going to hell.

He is.

You go where you wanna go.
I think when you die,

your soul goes to a garage
in Buffalo.

When Monte Hall dies,
he'll go behind Door Number 4.

That's it, where you wanna go.

No, nobody wants to die,
and you know part of the reason

we don't wanna die is because
of that goddamn funeral.

We've seen it,
we know how bad news it is.

That funeral is no fun.

Man, if I don't like other
people's funerals,

I know I'm not gonna
like my own, man.

There's no way I can get behind
my own funeral.

Gonna be lying there
in a casket,

they're gonna put me in the box,

gonna put me in a convertible
with the top down.

You know that's embarrassing,

lying there and everybody's
looking at you.

You're dead,
and they're looking.

You're just lying there still,
people coming over going...

they don't know that you're
lying there with short pants on

and no back in your jacket,

embarrassing.

And sometimes they'll come over,
you know,

some people it depends on
your religion and so forth,

but they do come right over
to the casket a lot of times

and they'll go like this.

And they're silent for a moment,

and what they're doing
while they're silent is,

they're subtracting their age
from your age,

so they get a rough estimate
on what they have left.

And they get up and they say,
don't he look good?

Don't he look good?

You crazy, he's dead.

I know, but he never looked
that good.

Well, they say the nicest
things about you,

they say the nicest things
when you die.

Your popularity goes straight up
when you die.

They say the greatest things
there are that can be said,

they'll even make stuff up
if they have to.

Well, he was a real asshole,
but he meant well, you know?

He was a well-meaning asshole.

Yes, you get so popular when you
die, all the flowers you get,

think of the flowers you get
when you die.

You get more flowers
when you die than you got

in your whole life.

All your flowers arrive at once,
too late.

And guys will say, oh, yeah,
well, you know Bill is dead,

yeah, poor Bill, poor Bill
is dead, yeah.

Poor Dave, yeah,
poor Dave is gone now.

Ed, yeah, poor Ed is gone.

Dan, that motherfucker
is still alive, isn't he?

I wish he would die
so I could like him.

Reincarnation is another
aspect of death

that a lot of people will
tell you little tales about it.

Reincarnation, coming back,

a lot of folks are sure of it,
they can come back,

you come back as something.

I don't know, does it seem right
to you that it would work?

I mean, mathematically,
it doesn't seem to work,

because originally on this
earth we only had,

well, let's say six people.

I know we had two, but it's
a controversial number.

Let's say at one time
there were only,

there were only six of us,
about,

six people, six souls.

And those six people died,

and those souls went back
to the staging area,

and new people were born
and those six souls came back.

We still only have six souls.

Now, we have four billion people
claiming to have souls.

Where are all these extra souls
coming from?

Someone is printing up souls,
and it lowers their value.

The more souls there are,
the less they're worth,

it would seem.

Well, somebody's got to think of
this shit, you know?

How about the perfect murder,

I've thought sometimes about
the perfect murder.

You know what you do, you pick
up one person by the ankles

and you beat another person to
death with him.

And they both die, and there's
no murder weapon, hey.

What happened here, sergeant?

Looks like a pedestrian
accident to me.

They must have been moving
at quite a clip.

Of course, if you
should be caught

with this perfect murder
in progress,

or even after the fact,

if you should be caught you
might wind up on death row.

Death row, wow.

That's more than just fun,
ain't it?

I mean, there's cats there,
death row, man, shit.

Oh, well,
you got that one meal,

but that's not much
of a consolation, is it?

You're gonna get to order
your meal, big deal.

Why don't you leave me alone,
I'm not hungry, man.

They give you that
one last meal.

I say, you can have some
fun with that last meal.

I mean, if you work it right.

They gotta give you
whatever you want.

I mean, short of elephant steak,
you know?

They don't wanna start on
a new elephant just for one guy.

But they gotta give you pretty
much what you want,

that's part of the humanity

of what they're going
to do to you.

Yeah, you could just order
something, you know, like maybe,

well, shit, you tell them
you can't decide.

That's it, I can't decide.

I don't know, I don't know if I
want steak or lobster, you know?

I mean, I really love them both
and I honestly can't decide.

Could they kill you?

I don't think they
could kill you

if you honestly couldn't decide.

Lie detector, truth serum,

the man honestly doesn't know
what he wants.

We can't very well kill him,

we can't drag him down
the last mile screaming,

I don't know what I want.

You gotta give him a chance,
and then he... well, man lives.

Imagine if you worked it out and
you kept it going six months,

man is still alive,
can't decide on meal.

Three years, eight years,
and then finally

you're an honest person

so you tell them when you do
figure it out,

and you say I've decided
what I'd like,

I think I'll have steak.

Okay, how did you want that?

Oh.

Well, my feeling is,
if you're gonna die, you know,

or if you know, hey, die big.

Die big.

Nobody wants to just pass away.

You don't want to be
a euphemism, do you?

Nobody wants to pass away.

You know, Arnie passed away.

Oh, really?

Yes.

Well, I didn't know that.

Well, that's the idea.

On the other hand, Dave died.

Oh, yes,
I heard about Dave dying.

That's true.

I say die big,
give it a shot, man, go out big,

it's your chance.

Die big, work in a few
posthumous reflexes

for your friends.

Give them a show before you go.

Entertain and uplift
and instruct

those you are leaving behind.

When you die, give them a few
posthumous reflexes.

You know, the body does store
electricity up,

there's a certain storage
of electricity,

and even a dead body, a corpse,
will occasionally go (sound).

And I say if you have that
potential after you're dead,

use it properly.

Pre-program, before you die,

pre-program some
posthumous reflexes

that will be entertaining
to those you've left behind.

Do something to capture
their imagination,

roll over on the autopsy table.

That's nice.

Cross your legs, scratch your
balls, do something.

Now, the only reason,

the only reason that I even
suggest that you have a choice

about what you can do
at the moment of death,

is a very little known
and very little understood part

of the death process

called the two-minute warning.

Many people are not aware of it
at all, the two-minute warning.

Just as in football,
two minutes before you die

you receive an audible warning,

two minutes,
get your shit together.

The reason we don't
know about it

is because the only people
who hear it, die.

And I don't think we'd believe
someone anyway

if he told us he'd received his
two-minute warning, would you?

Some asshole on the bus, hey, I
just got my two-minute warning.

You'd think it was a coach
out on the town, you know?

But no, the two-minute warning
does arrive,

and I say use that time
to entertain,

to leave something behind.

Do something with
the two minutes,

hey, if nothing else
give a speech,

a little two-minute speech.

We can all give a little
two-minute speech.

Just pick some subject
you're very fond of

and talk about it for two
minutes, I mean, tell them.

It's your last chance to tell
them anything, so tell them.

You got two minutes, and I mean
wax eloquent, rise,

bring it to the rafters.

And then at the moment
of the end you say,

if this is not the truth,
may God strike me dead.

Well, that leads me
into the filth,

and, uh, to kind of wind up.

Thank you.

You know, that's
the trouble with it,

is trying to decide what
to call these words, man.

I'm trying to decide what
to call this whole thing.

You know, what are these words
that I'm talkin about,

they're just words
that we've decided,

sort of decided
not to use all the time.

That's about the only thing

you could really say
about them for sure,

that they're just some words,
not many, either, just a few,

that we've decided

well, we won't use them
all the time.

Sometimes, well, hell yeah,
sometimes it's okay,

but not all the time.

And they're the only words that
seem to have that restriction.

I mean, there are a lot of words
you can say whenever you want,

you know, pneumonia.

Nobody gives you a lot of...

all right, you can't yell it
in the hospital a great deal,

but what the hell.

There are words that you can
say, no problem.

Topography, no one
has ever gone to jail

for screaming topography.

But there are some words
that you can go to jail for.

There are some words
that we just have decided

we will not say all the time.

Sometimes, okay, if you're
running through the jungle

chasing somebody that we're
at war with you can holler them.

If you're shooting a criminal
it's okay,

it's the all American thing,
dirty, fucking crook.

But if you're with
the bishop's wife at lunch,

it's better not to ask
for the goddamn lettuce.

You know what I mean,
it's just like we've decided

there'd be some words
we won't say all the time.

And I was just trying to find
out which words they were,

for sure, all of them.

I wanted a list.

Cause nobody gives you a list,
that's the problem,

they don't give you a list.

Wouldn't you think
it would be normal

if they didn't want you
to say something

to tell you what it is?

Nobody even tells you when
you're a kid what the words are

that you're supposed to avoid.

You have to say them to find out
which ones they are.

Shit, ahhhh.

Oh fuck, ahhhh.

That's two.

Oh, ma, that's enough
trial and error, huh?

Please, ma,
give me a list, huh?

All right,
you're six years old now,

and here's the list of words

your dad and I don't
ever want to hear you say.

Oh, hey, thanks ma.

Boy, that's gonna save me
an ass kicking or two.

Ahhhh, ohhh.

Yeah, you never know
what's gonna be on the list,

cause it's always
somebody else's list.

You didn't make that up,
somebody told you that shit.

They told you, better... better
not say that, so you're gonna...

and you don't know what's
gonna be on their list.

God, people's lists even
change from day to day.

Some people on Friday night
got a list, you know,

about two or three words.

Sunday morning, goddamn,
there's 27 words on it.

These are the same people, two
days later, different list.

So you've gotta kind
of watch out

what you're gonna believe
from them.

The trouble is,

I was trying to find out
what these words might be,

and I wanted to know the ones

that you could never
say on television.

I mean, the filthy words that
are always filthy.

There are a lot of these little
two-way, double entendre words

that have two meanings,

words that they're okay
part of the time.

I call them like, part-time
filth, some of these words,

they're only 50 percent dirty.

You have words like ass.

Ass is hardly even
a dirty word anymore,

but it has a few meanings that
you can't say on television,

that's what I was talking about,
what can you say on television.

That's another one
of those places

where we can't use
these words all the time.

But some of them are all right,
some of the time.

Ass is all right on television.

You can say on television
things like,

well, you've made a perfect ass
of yourself tonight.

But you can't say,
hey, let's go get some ass.

Bitch, bitch is another word
like that, same kind of word,

it's only dirty
part of the time,

depends on what
you mean by bitch.

You might be the lady
from the San Diego Zoo

visiting one of
the Tonight Shows,

and you might just have
a bunch of little canines

with you there.

One of them is a female, and you
say there's the bitch, Johnny.

And it's okay, fine.

Just don't refer to the singer
the same way, that's all.

Is that bitch gonna
do another number?

Yes.

Animals are fine
on those two-way words.

And that's it, that's
what I was trying to find,

the words that were always dirty
not just part of the time,

but completely filth.

Well, in...
in looking for these words

I kept finding new categories.

We have so many ways of
describing these dirty words,

it's, well, we have more ways
to describe dirty words

than we actually
have dirty words.

That seems
a little strange to me.

It seems to indicate

that somebody was awfully
interested in these words.

They kept referring to them,
they called them bad words,

dirty, filthy, foul, vile,
vulgar, coarse, in poor taste,

unseemly, street talk, gutter
talk, locker room language,

barracks talk, bawdy, naughty,
saucy, raunchy, rude, crude,

lewd, lascivious, indecent,
profane, obscene, blue,

off-color, risque, suggestive,
cursing, cussing, swearing.

And all I could think of was
shit, piss, fuck, cunt,

cocksucker, motherfucker
and tits, man.

That's all we have,

shit, piss, fuck,
cunt, cocksucker,

motherfucker and tits.

That was my original list.

I knew it wasn't complete,

but it was a starter set,
you know?

...mention WBAI?

Shit, piss, fuck...

yes, WBAI is the one
who played them...

shit, piss, fuck,
cunt, cocksucker,

motherfucker and tits.

Now, that was the original list.

We've added a few words
since then,

we've added fart,
turd and twat.

And I know there
are some other words

that many of you
are wondering about,

why they haven't
been considered,

why they haven't shown up
on the list thus far.

We're looking at them all
very closely.

Some of your favorites might
make the list this year;

asshole, ballbag, hard on,
piss hard, blue balls...

nookie, snatch, box, pussy,
pecker, peckerhead,

peckertracks, jism,

joint, donicker, dork, poontang,

cornhole and dingleberry.

Dingleberry,
a very popular word.

And to my way of thinking,

dingleberry a rather
innocent sounding word,

dingleberry, sounds Christmasy
to me, you know?

Let's put one on the tree, dad.

So, the words, as I say, shit,
piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker,

motherfucker, tits,
fart, turd and twat.

Now, motherfucker came
off the list immediately.

The first day in fact
I had a call

from an English language purist,

some guy had to, he had
to talk, you know?

He got on the phone.

He tells me I have a duplicate
on the list,

I have a duplication.

He says motherfucker

is a duplication of the word
fuck, technically.

Because fuck is the root form,
motherfucker being a derivative,

therefore, it constitutes
duplication.

And I said, hey, motherfucker,

how did you get
my phone number anyway?

How did he know I even
had a phone?

I said look, man,
it may be a derivative,

but you still can't say it.

You still can't say motherfucker
on TV, can you?

He said no, but you can't say
fuckee, fucking, fuckola,

fuckarooni or fuckarino, either.

Well, I said, yeah,

that would crowd up my list
something awful.

So I just struck that
motherfucker away.

I struck it from the list,
motherfucker was gone.

Now, the list was shit, piss,
fuck, cunt, cocksucker, tits.

Shit, piss, fuck, cunt,
cocksucker, tits.

Does is sound like
something's missing?

Does it sound like
an old friend is gone?

Shit, piss, fuck, cunt,
cocksucker, tits.

Remember the old rhythm?

Shit, piss, fuck,
cunt, cocksucker,

motherfucker, tits,

cocksucker, motherfucker, tits,

cocksucker, motherfucker, tits,

cocksucker, motherfucker, tits.

Now, shit, piss, fuck,
cunt, cocksucker, tits,

it falls apart.

It isn't going anywhere.

And by now, cocksucker is
the dominant word on the list.

Previously, with motherfucker
on the list,

cocksucker was
somewhat balanced out.

They were the only
multi-syllabic words

on the list.

But now cocksucker stands alone,

shit, piss, fuck,
cunt, cocksucker, tits,

And who knows,
maybe it doesn't belong either.

After all, motherfucker
turned out to be a ringer,

let's take a look at cocksucker,

see if this one belongs.

We'll divide the word cock
and sucker from each other,

those words.

Sucker isn't dirty, sucker,
it's suggestive as hell,

but it isn't dirty.

And cock, that's not
dirty all the time,

that's one of those words
that's only partly filthy.

Cock, if you're talking
about the animal,

it's perfectly all right.

They used to read that to us
from the bible in third grade,

and we would laugh, man.

Cock is in the bible.

Remember the first time you
heard about a cock fight.

What? No.

Get out of here.

Get out of here.

Even the word cocksucker itself

has been twisted out of
all of its original meaning,

it's been distorted.

For some reason now,
cocksucker means bad man.

It's a good woman,
how did they do that?

How did they do that?

Well, tits is on
the end of the list,

shit, piss, fuck, cunt,
cocksucker, motherfucker, tits.

And you know it doesn't
belong on that list.

I mean, it really
doesn't belong in

with that kind
of heavy-weight filth.

Tits isn't dirty,
tits is a cute name,

cute thing, cute idea,
great fun, good name.

Tits, hey, tits sounds
like a friend.

It sounds like a nickname,
doesn't it?

Hey, Tits, come here man.

Hey, Tits,
I want you to meet Toots.

Tits, this is Toots,
Toots, Tits.

Tits, cute word, nice word.

I love a word that spells the
same forwards and backwards

like tit.

Don't you think it's cute

when a word is spelled the same
forwards and backwards?

I always wished
my name was Otto,

just so I could walk backwards
and yell my name, you know?

Otto, Otto, Otto,

well, I had strange dreams.

But the word tit is on the list

because you can't say it
on television.

You can't say tit, imagine that,
can't say tits.

You can say boobs.

Boob is spelled the same
forwards and backwards, too.

Boobs is all right.

You can't say tits,
but you can say boobs.

In fact, boobs is an answer now
on Match Game.

I had boobs, Gene.

Boobs, $200,

tits, $200 fine maybe.

You can't say tits.

You can say teats,
teats is all right,

providing you're on
at 5:00 in the morning

and a cow is your guest.

But you can't say jugs, and you
can't say knockers, you know?

That's right, Danny,
pull on the cow's knockers.

Right, grab a knocker
in each hand, that a boy.

Now alternate knockers,
good deal.

You can't say that.

Tits, tits sounds
like a snack, you know?

Well, I know
what you're thinking,

but tits sounds almost,
it sounds Nabisco to me.

It sounds like Nabisco has...
has reserved that name.

Cause tits sounds
like a thing at a party,

pass the tits,
would you, Bill?

Say, those things are...

responding.

Well, shit, piss, fuck, cunt,
cocksucker, motherfucker, tits,

fart, turd and twat.

Fart, fart is like tit,

it's one of those words
that isn't that harmful.

You know, it's just
a cute kind of a thing.

Farts, well, farts can be a
little harmful, it depends,

it depends on who's cooking.

But, fart, fart is a cute...
hey kids know farts are okay.

Kids know farts are fun.

Farts are shit
without the mess, wow.

Yeah, same funny sound, same
vile smell, no fuss, no muss.

Fart is an interesting word
in this respect,

talking about television,

fart is extremely
interesting because, dig this,

you can't say fart on
television, we know that.

You can't say fart.

And you can't say fuck, either,
on television.

However, you can
refer to fucking,

you can talk about fucking,
they do that all the time.

Some of the times in the show
you're watching

two people are probably fucking
in the other room.

Fucking is all right,
fucking is part of the plot.

A lot of plots
are based on fucking.

Will they fuck, should they
fuck, have they fucked,

did they fuck,
will they fuck again,

will they get sick from fucking,
are they fucking too much,

will they fuck
each other's friends,

will they have a baby
from fucking,

will they be sorry they fucked,
will they be glad they fucked?

All fuck stories, every
honeymoon joke is a fuck joke.

Have you ever noticed it?

Otherwise the people wouldn't be
on their honeymoon in the joke,

they'd be knights or
they'd sailors or something.

They're on their honeymoon,
it's got to be a fuck joke.

Every little, every news...
I'm sorry... every quiz master

has stood there with his
newlywed couple and said,

and I understand you folks
are on your honeymoon.

Lots of fucking going on here,

Lots of fucking over here.

So they talk about
fucking all they want,

they just don't call it that.

They don't call it what it is.

They call it other things,

they call it making love,
which is fine,

they call it
going to bed with someone,

having an affair,

sleeping together,

but they don't call it fucking.

On the other hand, fart,

not only is fart a word
you can't use on television,

but they never
even refer to them,

that's how bad farts
are compared to fucking.

They don't even refer to farts,

there are no farts
on television.

You've never seen
a reference to a fart,

I've never seen
a fart reference.

No, wouldn't you think that
by now one guy would have gone,

whew, whew.

Do you think by now that one guy
on the Johnny Carson panel

just once would have said,
hey, Ed, move down, man?

Whew, wow.

That was a Clydesdale fart, Ed.

Give me the lighter,
will ya, Johnny, wow.

Geez, Ed,
next time you're sick

you ought to see
the nurse, you know?

God, it's not the smell so much,

it's the burning of my eyes.

Well, we might live to see that,
you never know.

Remember when you were a kid,

and maybe you were
a little boy child like me,

you had on short pants,
maybe sitting in church,

sitting on a wooden
bench in church

in the middle of the summer
with short pants.

You gotta fart, you know?

And it's up to you, you gotta
work out a little maneuver

that's called
the one cheek sneak.

Right in tune with the organ.

That's why they call them
pews, you know?

Whew, whew, whew.

Did you ever notice that
your own farts smell okay?

Say, that's fairly decent.

I think I'll stay home today,

do some reading in the closet.

Now I mentioned the three extra
words, fart, turd and twat.

Turd is another word you can't
say on television, turd.

But, you know,
when you get right down to it,

who wants to say it?

I don't even care if I ever hear
that one again.

Twat, twat is on the list
for the same reason.

It doesn't mean
anything else, you know?

It only has that one meaning,
twat's twat, and that's that.

It's not like prick,

prick is one of those
part-time dirty words.

Prick is all right, you can say
prick on television.

You can say I pricked my finger,

just don't say you fingered
your prick, that's all.

Now there are two words left

which I will wind
this thing up with,

one of them is not, uh,
dirty all the time,

one of them is.

Ball or balls is a word
that's mostly clean.

It has many clean meanings,

but... but it has
a couple of meanings

that might get you in trouble.

And ball is one of those words

you gotta think about
how you're gonna say it,

and maybe you have to watch out
for just a moment,

but it's okay for sports people,
perfectly all right.

When you're a kid you grow up,
they tell ya,

go play with your ball.

Really?

But it's okay for
the sports announcer

on the Game of the Week
to tell you

that Pete Rose
has two balls on him,

no problem at all.

The whole country nods
in agreement.

But the announcer can't tell you
that he hurt his balls.

He can't tell Tony Kubeck,

Tony, I think he hurt
his balls on that play.

It looks like it,
he's holding onto them.

Well, that's right, generally
when they hurt their balls,

they hold them,

and he's holding his,
and I'd say he's hurt them.

Never mention ball injuries,

they don't say the balls were
hurt, they say groin injuries.

He had a groin injury.

Do you know why we call it
a groin injury,

that's the noise you make
when you get hit there.

Groin.

Now, then, the other word
I wanted to remind you of

was the word fuck,

which of course is the champ
of the all-time dirty words.

When they're
always dirty, by God,

fuck is right at
the head of the pack.

Fuck's a good, strong word.

It's a good, strong
word for its purpose,

and it's a word that a lot
of people have trouble with.

Uh, it's a...
it's an honest word,

it's a...
it's a forceful word,

it has a lot of emotional
baggage with it.

When you hear the word fuck,

you're not just
hearing the word,

you're hearing everything
you ever heard about fucking.

I mean, we have a lot
of attitudes about fucking,

some of them are rationale,
and some of them aren't.

Some of them have joy in them,
some have guilt and fear

and all sorts of things,

and the word fuck carries with
it a lot of emotional baggage.

When they say fuck.
You go what, oh, oh, good.

Oh, I thought you meant
do it right away.

God, you know, it's, uh,
it's just a word that, that,

well, it'll clear
the room awfully quick

in some households.

It's a heavy, good,
strong word.

It's a proud sounding
word to me.

Fuck, fuck, I am fuck.
Who are you?

Fuck of the Mountain.

I just, uh, I just feel the word
is getting a bad shake.

The word has an image problem.

The word fuck needs
public relations help.

It's just a word, you know?

That's what you have to
remember, it's just a word,

but it's in such bad shape.

Here's a word that started out
okay, it started out all right,

nothing wrong with
the word fuck originally.

I mean, there it was,
you're not a bad word,

you're not a bad word,

you've just gotten
in with bad company, people.

That's all, just the word
was all it was.

The word in the original old
English, as best I can find,

fuck only meant to hit,
to smite,

to... to perhaps hit with a stick,

to fuck the tree,

to fuck the rock,

to fuck thee.

That's all, and pretty soon,

that's all,

I'll hit you
with my dick, honey.

Look at that, that's all it was,
just a little,

I'll knock a little fuck
on you there.

That's all it was,
was a love tap

when you get right down to it.

That's all fuck ever meant.

All fuck ever meant
was to make love,

and to make life
at the same time.

That's pretty magic.

I mean, pretty noble things
we think about,

making love and making life,

here was fuck hanging around
with words like love and life.

How did it get such
a bad reputation?

We fucked it up.

Yeah, well, we...

we put the aggression
back into the word.

Fuck you, fuck you, you fuck.
Fuck you, you fuck.

Who the fuck do you
think you're fucking with,

some kind of a fuckhead?

Fuck you. Who the fuck do you
think you're fucking with, me?

Don't fuck with me,
I'll fuck over you.

You fuck with me and
you'll get fucked, you fuck.

Don't fuck with me,
I'm the fucker.

Don't fuck with the fucker.

God, it sounds like combat, man.

It's got an awful lot,

there's an awful lot
of hostility

in the way that word is used.

There's an awful lot
of aggression going down

in the name of fucking,
imagine that.

I'd just like to help a little,
my feeling was, hey,

here's a word that, uh,
maybe we could save, you know,

just by paying a little
close attention to it.

The trouble is with
all that aggression

and all that violence,

that we lose track
of those two things,

and people start talking about
sex and violence

like they're one thing.

There's some sort
of an overlapping,

there's some sort of a gray area
between sex and violence

that some people
really are confused about.

There are people running around
talking about sex and violence

as if it's one thing,

as if it starts with an S
and ends with a E.

We're gonna stamp it
out of the comics,

we're gonna stamp it out
of the Dixie Cup,

we're gonna
stamp it out of homes.

Sex and violence, hey,
they are different, after all.

And, some people even like them
together, there are, true,

people who do like a little
violence with their sex.

I'm not... I don't care
for that myself,

I like my violence

a little earlier in
the afternoon, you know?

Right around 2:00 o'clock
a real good ass kicking

and then everything's all right.

But, uh, the word
make love, not war,

someone pointed it out finally,
they made it very clear for us.

Make love, not war.

I wish I had thought
of that phrase, you know?

I really would have been
very happy with myself

if I had thought of that one.

Man, I would have retired
the same day.

I would have left my car
at the red light, man.

I'd say that's it, folks,
I'm going to the beach.

You got it,
make love, not war.

Well, I didn't think of it,
but I do have my own phrase;

make fuck, not kill.

It's not as graceful a phrase,

but I'm not looking
to retire, either.

The whole idea of
make fuck, not kill,

is simply to switch
the meanings of the words.

I suggest that for one year

we trade meanings
on fuck and kill,

just fuck for kill,
and kill for fuck, that's it.

Don't worry about
what they really are,

someone else will take care of
real fucking and real killing.

I'm just worried about
what we call it... them.

We call them
fucking and killing.

I say switch them around.

I think it would be an insight,

I think we'd get a new slant on
how we feel about these words

if we just change fucking
for killing for about a year,

that's all.

Imagine it.

Sure would be fun watching TV
during that time, huh?

Better get down off
the horse, Sheriff,

we're fixing to fuck you now.

Mad fucker still on the loose.

Not anymore, he's made his
first big mistake, my friend,

he fucked a cop today.

That makes him a cop fucker.

Pardon me, boys,
my horse broke his leg,

I'm gonna have to fuck him,
I'll be right back.

Shamu, the fucker whale.

And To Fuck a Mockingbird,
hold gently by the wings.

So all I'm trying to suggest

is that fuck you can be
a positive phrase.

If you hear it from across
the street... Fuck you. Okay.

And thank you for being a part
of this, and I mean it a lot.

And I thank the people
that aren't here tonight

that were here
the other two nights.

And there's an awful lot
of people to thank,

but I want to do one thing
before I go any further,

cause I am gonna split.

There's somebody
that's very important

to this project and to me.

Brenda, would
you please come here?

I want to introduce you
to my wife of 17 years.

She is the associate producer,
and she is my honey,

and if she don't come out here
now, come here, honey,

I want you to give me a kiss.

My wife Brenda Carlin.

Come here, honey.

Thank you, lover.

See you later.

Thank you all, and goodnight,
I love you, and fuck you.