George Carlin: George's Best Stuff (1996) - full transcript

You know the trouble is,

Trying to decide

what to call
these words man.

I'm trying to decide

what to call
this whole thing.

You know what
are these words

that I'm talking about?

There just words
that we've decided,

sort of decided not
to use all the time.

That's about
the only thing

you can really say
about them for sure.



That they're
just some words,

not many either
just a few,

that we've decided

well we won't use
them all the time.

Sometimes well hell yeah.

Sometimes it's okay

but not all the time.

And there the only words

that seem to have
that restriction.

I mean there are a lot
of words you can say

whenever you
want you know?

Pneumonia.

Nobody gives you a
lot...all right you can't

yell it in the
hospital a great deal



but what the hell?

There are words that
you can say no problem,

topography.

No one has ever
gone to jail

for screaming topography

but there are
some words

that you can go
to jail for.

There are some words

that we just have decided

we will not say
all the time.

Sometimes okay.

If you're running
through the jungle

chasing somebody that
were at war with

you can holler them.

If you're shooting a
criminal it's okay.

It's the all
American thing.

Dirty fucking crook.

But if you're with the
Bishop's wife at lunch

it's better not to ask

for the Goddamn lettuce.

You know what I mean.

It's just like
we've decided

there'd be some words,

we won't say
all the time.

And I was just
trying to find out

which words they
were for sure.

All of them.

I wanted a list

cause nobody
gives you a list.

That's the problem.

They don't give
you a list.

Wouldn't you think
it'd be normal

if they didn't want
you to say something

and tell you what it is?

Nobody even tells you
when you're a kid

what the words are that
you're supposed to avoid.

You have to say them

to find out which
ones they are.

Shit.

Awe fuck.

That's two.

Awe Ma that's enough
trial and error huh?

Please Ma give
me a list huh?

All right your
six years old now

and here's the
list of words

your Dad and I

don't ever want
to hear you say.

Awe hey thanks Ma.

Boy that's going to save
me an ass kicking or two.

Yeah you
never know

what's going to
be on the list

cause it's always
somebody else's list.

You didn't make that up

somebody told
you that shit.

They told you better...

better not say that.

So you gonna...and
you don't know

what's going to
be on their list.

God.

People's lists even
change from day to day.

Some people on Friday
night got a list you know

about two or three words.

Sunday morning Goddamn

they made
twenty-seven words.

These are the same
people two days later.

Different lists.

See you got to
kind of watch out

what you're going
to believe huh?

The trouble is I was
trying to find out

what these words might be

and I wanted to
know the ones

that you could never
say on television.

I mean the filthy words

that are always filthy.

There are a lot of
these little two-way,

double tongued words
that have two meanings,

words that there okay
part of the time.

I call them like
part-time filth.

Some of these words
there only 50% dirty.

You have words like ass.

Ass is hardly even a
dirty word anymore

but this has a
few meanings

that you can't say
on television.

That's what I was
talking about.

What can you say
on television?

That's another one
of those places

where we can't use
these words all the time

but some of them are
alright some of the time.

Ass is all right
on television.

You can say on
television things like,

Well you've made a perfect
ass of yourself tonight.

But you can't say,

Hey let's go
get some ass.

Bitch.

Bitch is another
word like that.

Same kind of word.

Its only dirty
part of the time

depends on what
you mean by bitch.

You might be the lady
from the San Diego Zoo

visiting one of
the Tonight Show's

and you just might have

a bunch of little
canines with you there

and one of them is a
female and you say,

There's the bitch Johnny.

And it's okay, Fine.

Just don't refer to
the singer the same way

that's all.

Is that bitch going
to do another number?

Yes.

Animals are fine

on those two-way words

and that's it.

That's what I was
trying to find

the words were
always dirty

not just part
of the time

but completely filth.

Well in looking
for these words

I kept finding
new categories.

We have so many
ways of describing

these dirty words its...

well we have more ways
to describe dirty words

than we actually
have dirty words.

That seems a little
strange to me.

It seems to indicate
that somebody

was awfully interested
in these words.

They kept
referring to them.

They called
them bad words.

Dirty,

filthy,

foul,

vile,

vulgar,

course,

in poor taste,

unseemly,

street talk,

gutter talk,

locker room language,

barracks talk,

bawdy, naughty,

saucy,

raunchy,

rude, crude, lude,

lascivious,

indecent,

profane,

obscene,

blue, off color,

risqué,

suggestive,

cursing,
cussing, swearing

and all I could
think of was

shit, piss, fuck,
cunt, cocksucker,

motherfucker and tits.

That's all I have.

Shit, piss, fuck,
cunt, cocksucker,

motherfucker and tits

that was my
original list.

I knew it wasn't complete

but it was a starter set

you know?

Shit, piss, fuck yes
W-B-A-I is the one

who played them.

Shit, piss, fuck,
cunt, cocksucker,

motherfucker and tits

now that was the
original list.

We've added a few
words since then

we've added fart,
turd and twat.

And I know there
are some other words

that many of you
are wondering about

why they haven't
been considered,

why they haven't shown up

on the list this far.

We're looking at them
all very closely.

Some of your favorites

might make the
list this year.

Asshole,

ball bag,

hard on,

piss hard,

blue balls,

taint,

nukies,

snatch box,

pussy,

pecker,

pecker head,

pecker tracks,

jism,

joint,

donacker, dork,

puntang,

corn hole and
dingle berry.

Dingle berry a
very popular word

and to my way of thinking

dingle berry are rather

innocent sounding word.

Dingle berry, sounds
Christmassy to me

you know?

Let's put one
on the tree Dad.

I would have been out
here a little bit sooner

but they gave me the
wrong dressing room

and I couldn't find any
place to put my stuff

and I don't
know how you are

but I need a place
to put my stuff.

So that's what I've
been doing back there

just trying to find

a place for my stuff.

You know how
important that is?

That's the whole meaning
of life isn't it?

Trying to find a
place for your stuff.

That's all your house is.

Your house is just a
place for your stuff.

If you didn't have so
much Goddamn stuff

you wouldn't need a house.

You could just walk
around all the time.

That's all your house
is it's a pile of stuff

with a cover on it.

You see that when you
take off in an airplane

and you look
down and you see

everybody's got a
little pile of stuff.

Everybody's got their
own pile of stuff

and when you
leave your stuff

you got to lock it up.

Wouldn't want
somebody to come by

and take some
of your stuff.

They always take
the good stuff.

They don't bother with
that crap your saving.

Ain't nobody
interested in your

fourth grade
arithmetic papers.

They're looking
for the good stuff.

That's all your house is

it's a place to
keep your stuff

while you go out
and get more stuff.

Now sometimes...

sometimes you
got to move.

You got to get
a bigger house.

Why?

Too much stuff.

You got to move
all your stuff

and maybe put some of
your stuff in storage.

Imagine that.

There's a whole
industry based on

keeping an eye
on your stuff.

Enough about your stuff

let's talk about
other people's stuff.

Did you ever notice

when you go to
somebody else's house

you never quite
feel 100% at home?

You know why?

No room for your stuff.

Somebody else's stuff
is all over the place.

And what awful
stuff it is.

Where did they
get this stuff?

And if you have
to stay over night

at someone's house
you know unexpectedly

and they give you

a little room
to sleep in

that they don't
use that often,

someone died in it
eleven years ago

and they haven't moved
any of his stuff.

Or wherever they
give you to sleep,

usually right near the
bed there's a dresser

and there's never any
room on the dresser

for your stuff.

Someone else's shit
is on the dresser.

Have you noticed that
their stuff is shit

and your shit is stuff?

Get that off of there.

Sometimes you
go on vacation

you got to bring some
of your stuff with you.

You can't bring
all your stuff

just the stuff
you really like.

The stuff that fits
you well that month.

Let's say you're going
to go to Honolulu.

You're going to go all
the way to Honolulu.

You got to take two
big bags of stuff

plus your carry-on stuff

plus the stuff
in your pockets.

You get all the
way to Honolulu

and you get in
your hotel room

and you start to
put away your stuff.

That's the first thing
you do in a hotel room

is put away your stuff.

I'll put some
stuff in here.

Put some stuff down there.

Here's another place
for stuff here.

I'll put some
stuff over there.

You put your
stuff over there;

I'll put my
stuff over here.

Here's another place
for some stuff.

Hey we got more places
than we've got stuff.

We're going to have
to buy more stuff.

And you put all
your stuff away

and you know that you're

thousands of
miles from home

and you don't
quite feel at ease

but you know that
you must be okay

because you do have

some of your
stuff with you.

And you relax in
Honolulu on that basis.

That's when your
friend from Maui calls

and says, Hey why don't
you come over to Maui

for the weekend

spend a couple of
nights over here?

Oh shit no.

Now what stuff
do you bring?

Right you've got to bring

an even smaller
version of your stuff.

Just enough stuff for
a weekend on Maui.

And you get over...

and you're really
spread out now.

You've got shit
all over the world.

You've got stuff at home,

stuff in storage,

stuff in Honolulu,

stuff in Maui,

stuff in your pockets,

supply lines are
getting longer

and harder to maintain.

But you get over to your
friends house in Maui

and they give you a
little place to sleep

and there's a
little window ledge

or some kind of
a small shelf

and there's not
much room on it but

it's okay cause you don't
have much stuff now.

And you put what stuff
you do have up there.

You put your imported
French toenail clippers,

your odor-eaters with
the 45-day guarantee,

your cinnamon
flavored dental floss

and your Afrin 12-hour
decongestant nasal spray

and you know you're
a long way from home,

you know that
you must be okay

because you do have your

Afrin 12-hour
decongestant nasal spray.

And you relax in
Maui on that basis.

That's when your
friend says,

Hey I think
tonight we'll go

over to the other
side of the island.

Stay at my friend's
house overnight.

Awe, shit no.

Now what do you bring?

Now you just
bring the things

you know you're
going to need.

Money, keys, comb,
wallet, lighter, hankie,

pen, cigarettes,
contraceptives,

Vaseline, whips,
chains, whistles,

dildos and a book.

This is just
plain old words

that are sort fun to

think of or look at more
closely than usual.

Things like hot
water heater.

Do you ever...have
you thought of

hot water heaters?

Pardon me,

I said, I'd like to buy

a hot water heater.

What the hell for?

Hot water doesn't
need to be heated.

You must want a
cold-water heater.

How about a hot
water cooler?

Yes some words are fun.

Words like flammable.

Flammable,

inflammable

and noninflammable.

Why are there three?

Does it seem to you
as though two words

ought to be able to
handle that idea?

I mean either
the thing flams

or it doesn't flam.

Now flammable...

flammable that's the one

that's on the
side of a truck.

Flammable,

as if you're going to
get out of your car

at sixty miles an hour

and smoke on
his truck huh?

Flammable, I found
out the reason

it says that on the truck

is so that just in case

you should be spinning
out of control

at seventy or eighty

heading for the truck

you'll know what it was
that happened you know?

I'd like to talk
a little bit

about baseball

and football.

Starting with baseball.

Baseball is different
from any other sport

in a lot of different
little ways.

For instance,

in most sports

you score points

or you score goals,

in baseball
you score runs.

In most sports the
ball or the object

is put in play by
the offensive team.

In baseball the defense
puts the ball in play

and only the
defensive team

is allowed to
touch the ball.

In fact, in baseball

if an offensive player

touches the ball
intentionally

he's out.

Also most sports

the team is
run by a coach.

In baseball the team
is run by a manager

and only in baseball

does the manager
or the coach

have to wear the same
uniform the players do.

Can you picture
Bill Parcells

in his New York
Giants uniform?

Now baseball and football

are different
from one another

in other kind of
interesting ways I think.

First of all,

baseball is a 19th
century pastoral game.

Football is a
20th century

technological struggle.

Baseball is played
on a diamond

in a park.

The baseball park.

Football is played
on a gridiron

in a stadium

sometimes called
Soldier Field

or War Memorial Stadium.

Baseball begins
in the spring,

the season of new life.

Football begins
in the fall

when everything is dying.

In football you
wear a helmet.

In baseball
you wear a cap.

Football is
concerned with downs.

What down is it?

Baseball is
concerned with ups.

Whose up?

Are you up?

I'm not up.

He's up.

In football the specialist

comes in to kick.

In baseball the specialist

comes in to
relieve someone.

In football you
receive a penalty.

In baseball you
make an error.

Whoops.

Football has hitting,
clipping, spearing,

blocking, piling
on, late hitting,

unnecessary roughness
and personal fouls.

Baseball has
the sacrifice.

Football is played in
any kind of weather.

Rain, sleet,
snow, hail, mud,

can't read the
numbers on the field,

can't read the
yard markers,

can't read the
players numbers,

the struggle
will continue.

In baseball if it rains

we don't come out to play.

I can't come out to
play it's raining out.

Baseball has a 7th
inning stretch.

Football has the
2-minute warning.

Baseball has
no time limit.

We don't know when
it's going to end.

We might have
extra innings.

Football is rigidly timed

and it will end

even if we have to
go to sudden death.

In baseball during
the game in the stands

there's kind of
a picnic feeling.

Emotions may
run high or low

but there's not that
much unpleasantness.

In football in the
stands during the game

you can be sure
that at least

twenty-seven times you
are perfectly capable

of taking the life of
a fellow human being.

Preferably a stranger.

And finally

the objectives
of the two games

are totally different.

In football the object is

for the quarterback,

otherwise known as
the field general,

to be on target with
his aerial assault

riddling the defense by
hitting his receivers

with deadly accuracy

in spite of the blitz,

even if he has to
use the shotgun,

with short bullet
passes and long bombs

he's marches his troops
into enemy territory,

balancing this
aerial assault

with a sustained
ground attack,

which punches holes
in the forward wall

of the enemy's
defensive line.

In baseball the
object is to go home.

And to be safe.

I hope I'll be
safe at home.

Safe at home.

Hey baby what's
happening?

K-pasa.

Okay what you
call you're pasa?

Hal Sleazy your hippy,
hippy weatherman

with all the hippy
hippy weather, man

brought to you by
Parsons Pest Control.

Do you have termites,

water bugs and roaches?

Well Parsons will help
you get rid of these

termites and water bugs

and help you
smoke the roaches.

Hey.

Temperature at the airport

is eighty-eight degrees,

which is stupid man

cause I don't know anybody

who lives at the airport.

Now if you'll take a look

at our national
weather map

you'll see that
we don't have one.

So try to picture

last night's map
in your mind.

Remember all the
letters and lines.

All them little numbers.

The weather is dominated

by a large Canadian low,

which is not
to be confused

with a Mexican high.

Tonight's forecast

dark.

Continue dark tonight

turning to partly
light in the morning.

Oh Al got out of the
weather business

when he realized
he had given

the final
weather forecast.

He had given the
ultimate forecast

there was nowhere to go.

You know when there's

nothing left to conquer
in your field hey

it's time to leave.

And old Al had given
the ultimate forecast.

He told us he said,

One night

that the weather

will continue to change

on and off for a
long, long time.

And he was gone.

God bless Al.

I love that dog.

I've never seen
him and I love him.

He's going to
be wonderful

when I meet that dog.

Lot's of people

got lots of God
damn doggies

but you don't even
have to have one

to learn
about doggies.

Your friend
might have a dog.

It could be your
friend's dog.

That makes him
your dog friend.

You go to visit
your friend,

his dog is there

and you pet him to,

Hi.

Hello how are you sneezy?

You're wonderful.

Hello.

Goddamn and if for that
moment he's your dog.

So you can have someone
else's dog for a while.

Hi.

In life he likes me.

I think, oh my God look
at this doggie here.

Goddamn doggies.

Lots of things to
know about them too.

Lots of things you learn.

You don't know
where always

and you can't remember.

For instance,
can you remember

the first time
you found out

that by scratching
a dog here

you could make this
leg go like that?

And that you
could make it stop

when you stop?

Goddamn,

I'm in complete
control of this dog.

Or that you could
make their head tilt

from across the room

just by making
a funny noise.

You go

and he goes.

Oh look honey
isn't he cute.

Let's get his head fixed

so he stays like that.

Did you ever spell
in front of your dog?

Some of them are smart.

You got to spell.

Honey do we have
any more B-O-N-E-S?

They know the
sound of 'B' alone.

B-one.

B-B-Bone.

Come on.

Take it easy.

Take it easy.

And sooner or later
what's going to happen

with the little dog?

Sooner or later
lying on the bed

he's going to
create an incident.

He's going to make
one of you human's

turn to the other
and say, Whew.

Whew.

Honey did you fart?

Not me.

I thought you farted.

Not me.

Whew.

That's not even
one of my farts.

I've got four farts

and that's not
one of mine.

I've got my
Heineken's fart.

I got my broccoli fart.

My rice pudding fart

and my non-dairy
creamer fart

and that's not
one of my farts.

Whew.

I know,

the dog farted.

Tippy why did you fart?

Look at him he
knows he farted.

I seen his
asshole open up.

I seen it.

Well I happened to be

looking at his
asshole by chance.

What kind of a
question is that?

I thought he was doing

them deep breathing
exercises.

You see dogs have
nothing to do.

There's no job
description for a dog.

They're forced to wait

for something to happen

that they can get in on.

If you do something

they'll be glad
to join you

but they'll
rarely initiate

any activity
on their own.

They're just waiting.

Waiting.

Waiting and waiting
and waiting.

Waiting to come in.

Waiting to go out.

Waiting to eat.

Waiting to crap.

Waiting to wake up.

Waiting to sleep.

Waiting to go upstairs.

Waiting to go downstairs.

Sometimes they're
just waiting to wait.

Have you ever seen a dog

just standing there?

He don't know what
he's waiting for

but if it happens
he'll be ready.

Just a waiting
and a waiting.

Waiting for you
to come home.

They don't
understand time.

Dog doesn't know the
difference between

an hour and a half
and or next week.

He thinks you're going
to be gone forever.

That's the only
time period

dogs really
understand, forever.

That's how long they
think everything lasts.

That's how long they
think everything takes.

Forever and ever.

Did you ever scratch
your dog behind the ears?

Oh boy they love that huh?

Oh boy you're
scratching your doggies

behind the ears and
he really loves that

and you're looking
at him and everything

and when you
finally stop

he looks at you like
you're a criminal.

He thought it was going
to go on and on and on.

Same thing when
you feed them.

As soon as they get
finished they say,

Where the
fuck's the food?

They thought it was the
loaves and the fishes.

It was going to last
forever and ever.

Dog don't know.

They must think we're
going to be gone forever

otherwise why
would they act

the way they do when
we finally get home?

Oh boy oh boy.

Oh boy oh boy.

Oh boy.

Oh boy.

Oh boy oh boy.

Oh boy.

Oh boy oh boy.

Oh boy.

Oh boy I thought you were
never going to come home.

I thought you were
never going to come.

I thought you were never
going to come home.

I thought you were
never going to come.

I didn't know what to do.

You know what?

I didn't know how to
operate the can opener.

How do you operate
the can opener?

I didn't know
what to do man.

What do you push it down
I couldn't think of it?

You know what?

You know what I did?

I took a can of dog food

and I rolled it
down the hill

and hoped a truck
ran over it.

That's all I could
think of man.

I'm hungry.

I mean they'll do that

even if you just
forgot your hat.

You come back in
eight seconds.

Oh boy Oh boy

I thought you were never
going to come home.

I thought you were never
going to come home.

I was going to
eat the bird.

I couldn't find the bird.

Where the fuck's the bird?

Will you stop that
I was just here!

Dog don't care.

He'll do whatever's next.

He don't know what's next
but he'll do something.

He'll do two
things in a row

that don't go together.

You ever seen a dog
walking through a room

and suddenly he stops
and chews his back

for eighteen minutes?

And then when he's
finished chewing,

as if it were scheduled

for right then
of course,

and when he's finished
he doesn't even know

where it was he's
was going to go.

Where was I going to go?

Oh shit.

Oh I think I'll
go over here.

Awe this is
nice over here.

I think I'll keep
coming over here.

He'll give you
that doggie look.

Give you them
eyes you know?

They have such a
great expression.

Almost human,
sometimes we say that...

look he looks
almost human Dan.

They do you know
they look like they

know something
about your mother

and not willing to
mention it right away.

He's looking at you like
they got a trig problem

they can't quite solve.

There's a sad look
in their eyes.

All the sadness
in the world

is right in the
eyes of a dog.

Did you ever do this?

Look right into
your doggie's eyes

and think of
something really sad

and it will look like it's
happening to your dog.

Strangest thing,

they look at
you like that.

You know why they have
so successful a look?

Cause they got eyebrows.

Dogs have eyebrows

or at least little ridges

that pass for eyebrows.

They got little things

that they can manipulate

just like we do.

Oh please,

please daddy

one

more

treat.

Cats can't look
at you like that.

Cats don't look at that.

Cats look at you coldly

as if they're
testing new eyes.

The reason cats
look different,

cats don't have eyebrows.

Cats have a bunch of shit

sticking out their head.

They thought it was
going to be an eyebrow

but it didn't work out.

Let's not tell them.

They think it's
an eyebrow.

It's just a bunch of shit

sticking out
of their head.

Cats are cute.

Cats our Goddamn cute.

Isn't he cute?

Look at him
God he's cute.

He's a kitty cat.

That's how cute they are

they needed two names.

Kitty wasn't cute enough.

Kitty cat.

Isn't he cute
the kitty cat?

The kitty cat, look
at him, isn't he cute?

Let's drown him.

He's a cute little

Goddamn kitty
cat ain't he?

Look.

Stick him on the wall and
see if he hangs up there.

Whoa.

Whose Goddamn kitty cat?

They're so Goddamn cute.

Awe they're wonderful
God love them.

They're so physical.

That's what's fun.

They're so physical.

They love to rub on you.

They love to rub on you.

If you got a
leg and a cat

shew you got a party.

Oh boy.

Oh boy.

Oh boy.

Oh boy.

I love this leg, oh boy.

I'm rubbing on his leg.

Oh boy, oh boy.

If you got two legs

shit jubilee,
celebration time.

Oh boy two legs.

Hot shit I can do
the figure eight.

They love to do
the figure eight.

Oh boy, oh boy.

Oh boy I love to
rub on his leg.

They'll rub
against your leg

even if you're
not there yet.

You might still be fifty
feet down the hall.

They see you coming.

Oh boy oh boy.

Oh boy soon I'll be
rubbing on his leg.

Soon.

They'll even walk sideways

so they don't miss you.

Oh boy.

Oh boy.

Oh boy, oh boy.

They love it.

They're so physical.

You don't have
to pet a cat

you just put your
hand over them

and he'll do all
the work, man.

You ever pet a cat

who's lying
absolutely flat

and before your
half way finished

his ass is way
up in the air?

Like you pressed the
ass button or something.

Isn't he a cute
little...holy shit

how did he do that?

Then they jump
on your chest

and put their ass
right in your face.

Here's my ass Dad.

Check this ass huh?

And while they're
showing you their ass

they give you some
of this stuff.

I say, Get him off of me.

Jesus I hate that.

I don't even
know what it is

and I don't like it.

Looked like they're
into some bad drug.

There's one other
quality cats have,

which I admire.

Cats don't accept blame.

They don't
embarrass at all.

Cat does something dumb

you'd never know
by looking at him.

Dog knocks over a lamp

you can tell who did it

just by looking
at the dog.

Not the cat.

Cat doesn't
accept any blame.

Cat moves along to
the next activity.

What's that?

Not me.

Fuck that I'm a cat.

Something break?

Ask the dog.

Cat doesn't get
embarrassed.

You ever seen a cat
race across a carpet

and crash into
a glass door?

I meant that.

I meant that.

I meant that.

That's exactly how I
wanted that to look.

Fucking meow.

Fucking meow.

Fucking meow.

That's what they say

when they get
behind the couch.

Cat's too proud to let
you see him suffer

but you look
behind the couch

and you'll find your
cat recuperating

from a domestic accident.

They got little slings
and walkers you know?

Tried to make the
window from the lamp.

If you use vitamins
most good vitamins

don't have a trade
name stamped on them.

They're blank pills.

They look like vitamins

but they're not marked

and if you go on the road

and you take a lot
of vitamins with you,

enough for like two weeks,

you might put them

in another big
vial unmarked.

And now you got
an unmarked vial

with unmarked pills in it.

And if you're going
through some little place

maybe where the cops
got a hard on that day

and he wants to give you
a little trouble, a little heat

he can hold you
for a while,

while they send these
things down to the lab.

On off your vitamins
go and that's why

I always travel with
Flintstone vitamins.

So the words as I say,
shit, piss, fuck, cunt,

cocksucker, motherfucker,
tits, fart, turd and twat.

Now motherfucker came
off the list immediately.

The first day in fact.

I had a call from an
English language purist.

Some guy he had
to talk you know

he got on the phone.

He tells me I have a
duplicate on my list.

I have duplication.

He says, Motherfucker
is a duplication

of the word
fuck technically

because fuck is
the root form

motherfucker being
the derivative

therefore it
constitutes duplication.

And I said, Hey
motherfucker

how did you get my
phone number anyway?

I didn't even
write it down...

I said, Look man it
may be derivative

but you still
can't say it.

Still can't say
motherfucker on TV can you?

He said, No but you
can't say fuckee,

fucking, fuckola,
fuckeroonie

or fuckareeno either.

Well I said,
Yeah that would

crowd up my list
something awful.

So I just struck that
motherfucker away.

Struck it from the list.

Motherfucker was gone.

Now the list was shit,
piss, fuck, cunt,

cocksucker, tits.

Shit, piss, fuck, cunt,
cockersucker, tits.

Does it sound like
something's missing?

Does it sound like an
old friend is gone?

Shit, piss, fuck,
cunt, cocksucker, tits.

Remember the old rhythm?

Shit, piss, fuck, cunt,
cocksucker, motherfucker,

tits.

Cocksucker,
motherfucker, tits.

Cocksucker,
motherfucker, tits.

Cocksucker,
motherfucker, tits.

Now shit, piss, fuck,
cunt, cocksucker, tits.

It falls apart.

It isn't going anywhere.

And by now cocksucker

is the dominant
word on the list.

Previously with
motherfucker on the list

cocksucker was
somewhat balanced out.

They were the only
multi-celeriac words on the list

but now cocksucker
stands alone,

shit, piss, fuck,
cunt, COCKSUCKER, tits.

And who knows

maybe it doesn't
belong either.

After all motherfucker

turned out to be a ringer.

Let's take a look
at cocksucker.

See if this one belongs.

We'll divide the
word cock and sucker

from each other
those words.

Sucker isn't dirty.

Sucker that's as
suggestive as hell

but it isn't dirty.

And cock.

That's not dirty
all the time.

That's one of those words

that's only partly filthy.

Cock if you're talking
about the animal

it's perfectly all right.

They used to
read that to us

from the bible
in 3rd grade.

And we would laugh then.

Cock is in the bible.

Remember the first time

you heard about
a cockfight.

What?

No.

Get out of here.

Even the word
cocksucker itself

has been twisted out of
all its original meaning.

It's been distorted.

For some reason
now COCKSUCKER

means bad man.

It's a good woman

how did they do that?

How did they do that?

Well

tits is on the
end of the list.

Shit, piss, fuck, cunt,

cocksucker,
motherfucker, tits

and you know it doesn't
belong on that list.

I mean it really
doesn't belong

even with that kind
of heavy weight filth.

Tits isn't dirty.

Tits is a cute name.

Cute thing, cute idea,

great fun,

good name.

Tits, hey.

Tits sounds
like a friend.

Sounds like a
nickname doesn't it?

Hey Tits come here.

Hey Tits I want
you to meet Toots.

Tits this is Toots.

Toots Tits.

Tits, cute word.

Nice word.

I love a word that
spells the same

forwards and
backwards like tits.

Don't you think
it's so cute

when a word is
spelled the same

forwards and backwards?

I always wished
my name was Otto

just so I could
walk backwards

and yell my
name you know?

Otto.

Otto.

Otto.

Well I had
strange dreams.

But the word tit
is on the list

because you can't
say it on television.

You can't say
tit better not.

Can't say tits.

You can say boobs.

Boob is spelled
the same

forwards and
backwards too.

Boobs is all right.

You can't say tits
but you can say boobs.

In fact,

boobs is an answer
now on Match Game.

I have boobs Gene.

Boobs two
hundred dollars.

Tits two hundred
dollar fine Mindy.

You can't say tits

but you can say teets.

Teets is all right

providing you're on
at five in the morning

and a cow is your guest.

But you can't say jugs

and you can't say
knockers you know?

That's right Danny

pull on the
cow's knockers.

All right grab a
knocker in each hand

that a boy.

Now hold the
knockers, good deal.

Can't say that.

Tits sounds like
a snack you know?

Well I know what
you're thinking

but tits sounds almost...

it sounds
Nabisco to me.

It sounds like
Nabisco has...

has reserved that name

cause tits sounds like
a thing at a party.

Pass the tits
would you Bill?

Thanks.

Say those things
are responding.

Well, shit, piss,
fuck, cunt, cocksucker,

motherfucker, tits,
fart, turd and twat.

Fart...fart is like tit

it's one of those words

that isn't that harmful.

You know it's a cute
kind of a thing...

well farts can be
a little harmful...

it depends.

Depends on who's cooking

but fart...fart
is a cute...

hey kids know
farts are okay.

Kids know farts are fun.

Farts are shit
without the mess.

Wow.

Yeah.

Same funny sound,

same vile smell,

no fuss, no mush.

Fart is an interesting
word in this respect,

talking about television,

fart is extremely
interesting

because dig this,

you can't say
fart on television

we know that,

you can't say fart.

And you can't say fuck
either on television.

However,

you can refer to fucking,

you can talk
about fucking,

they do that all the time.

Some of the times the
show you're watching

two people are
probably fucking

in the other room.

Fucking is all right.

Fucking is part
of the plot.

Lot of plots are
based on fucking.

Will they fuck?

Should they fuck?

Have they fucked?

Did they fuck?

Will they fuck again?

Will they get
sick from fucking?

Are they fucking too much?

Will they fuck each
other's friends?

Will they have a
baby from fucking?

Will they be
sorry they fucked?

Will they be
glad they fucked?

All fuck stories.

Every honeymoon
joke is a fuck joke

have you ever
noticed it?

Otherwise the
people wouldn't be

on their honeymoon

of a joke they'd
be knights or

they'd be sailors
or something.

They're on their
honeymoon;

they've got to
be a fuck joke.

Every little...every
news...I'm sorry...

every quiz master
has stood there

with this
newlywed couple

and said, And
I understand

you folks are on
your honeymoon.

Lots of fucking
going on here.

Lots of fucking over here.

So they talk about
fucking all they want

they just don't
call it that.

They don't call
it what it is.

They call it other things.

They call it making
love, which is fine.

They call it going
to bed with someone,

having an affair,

sleeping together

but they don't
call it fucking.

On the other hand fart

not only is fart a word

you can't use
on television

but they never
even refer to it.

That's how bad farts
are compared to fucking.

They don't even
refer to farts.

There are no farts
on television.

You've never seen a
reference to a fart.

I've never seen
a fart reference.

No.

Wouldn't you
think that by now

one guy would have gone

You think by now

that one guy on the
Johnny Carson panel,

just once,
would have said,

Hey Ed move down man.

Whew.

Wow.

That was a
Clydesdale fart Ed.

Give me the lighter
will you Johnny?

Wow.

Gees Ed next
time your sick

you ought to see
the nurse you know?

God it's not the
smell so much

it's the burning
of my eyes.

Well we might live to
see that you never know.

Remember when
you were a kid

and maybe you were a
little boy child like me

had on short pants.

Maybe sitting
in church...

sitting on a wooden
bench in church

in the middle
of the summer

with short pants.

You got to fart you know?

And it's up to you.

You got to work out
a little maneuver

that's called, "The
one cheek sneak."

Right in tune
with the organ.

That's why they call
them pews you know?

Whew.

Whew.

Whew.

Did you ever notice that
your own farts smell okay?

Say that's fairly decent.

I think I'll
stay home today.

Do some reading
in the closet.

Now I mentioned the
three extra words

fart, turd and twat.

Turd is another word you
can't say on television,

turd.

But you know when you
get right down to it

who wants to say it?

I don't even care

if I ever hear
that one again.

Twat...twat is on the list

for the same reason

it doesn't mean
anything else you know?

It only has that
one meaning.

Twat's twat and
that's that.

It's not like prick.

Prick is one of the
part-time dirty words.

Prick is all right.

You can say prick
on television.

You can say I
pricked my finger.

Just don't say you
fingered your prick.

Now the dog might
just embarrass you

if it gets the chance.

Let's go out to the
front of your house,

out to the living room

and you're there
now with your...

your doggie's
there of course

and you have
some friends in,

some neighbors over,

sitting around
the coffee table

and chit chatting
you know?

Talking to each other.

You brought your Pepsi
down but fuck them

let them get their
own Doritos.

I'm not here to feed
the neighborhood.

And everybody's
sitting around

and the dog is
licking his balls.

And nobody mentions him.

Spectacular thing
going on there.

If I could reach

I'd never leave
the house man

are you kidding me?

They don't even
mention it.

They say things
like, Isn't he cute?

He's taking a bath.

He appears to be

licking his balls
to me Marge.

Yeah he's been
on that one spot

for over an hour.

That's a mighty
selective bath.

No, no, no, no
nice doggie.

No, no nice doggie.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Nice doggie, no, no, no.

Don't you know they have

the cleanest mouth
of any animal?

I'm just going by
where he's been honey.

I am not a chemist.

I don't have a
nice day anymore.

I don't bother
much with that.

I think I'm
beyond that now.

I think I've outgrown
the nice day.

I think I've had my share.

Why should I be hogging
all the really nice ones?

Let somebody
else have a few.

Of course everybody still
wants me to have one.

Everybody wants me

to have a nice day.

Have a nice day!

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You want to give me my
fucking change please?

I'm triple parked.

Some of them are
really insistent.

I said have a nice day!

All right, all right
Goddamn it, all right

I'll give it a shot.

That's the trouble
with have a nice day.

It puts all the
pressure on you.

Now you've got to go out

and somehow manage
to have a good time

all because of some
loose-lipped cashier.

Have a nice day.

Maybe I don't feel
like having a nice day.

Maybe just
maybe I've had

a hundred and sixteen
nice days in a row

and I'm ready by God

for a crappy day.

I'll never hear that.

Let them wish one of them.

Hey have a crappy day!

Thank you and to your
wonderful family as well.

Crappy day hey
that would be easy.

It's no trouble at
all a crappy day.

Just get up.

There's no
planning involved

for a crappy day.

I know what it is

that bothers me about
that whole thing;

it's the word nice.

It's just a weak word.

Doesn't have a lot of
character you know?

Nice.

Isn't he nice?

Oh he is so nice

and she's nice too.

Isn't that nice?

How nice they are.

I don't care for
that you know.

It's like fine.

There's another word.

How are you?

Fine.

Bullshit!

Nobody's fine.

Hair is fine.

How's your hair?

Fine.

That makes a lot
more sense to me.

Some guys are great.

Did you ever
meet those guys?

Great!

Isn't this great?

Goddamn this is great!

Look there going to kill
that guy isn't that great?

That's great!

No not me.

I'm not nice.

I'm not fine.

I'm not great.

People ask me how I am

I say, I'm
fairly decent.

I don't give them
any superlatives,

nothing to gossip about.

Relatively okay.

Sometimes I'll say,

I'm moderately neato.

If I'm in a particularly
jaunting mood

I'll say, I'm not
unwell thank you.

That pisses them off
cause they have to

figure that one out
for themselves.

So...

It reminds me
of something

my 1st grade teacher
used to say to me.

Little lady.

She used to say,

You show me a
tropical fruit

and I'll show you a
cocksucker from Guatemala.

No that was
someone else.

Sometimes I go like this.

But then I stop.

This has been one
of those times.

This next piece
of material

is on a subject

that most people
can identify with.

It's about losing things.

You know I don't like
to lose anything.

I don't like to
lose anything

because where is it?

See basically
that's the part

that bothers me the most.

I'm a practical
guy where is it?

I just had it.

You know that feeling?

It was just here!

Where is it?

I don't know.

It's gone.

That's true.

It's lost.

I know.

Where could it be?

Could be anywhere.

Maybe it will come back.

Maybe but not yet.

It's gone.

That's true.

Are we going to go
through this shit again?

Where do these things
go when they're lost?

There are some things
I don't even care

if I ever get them back

I just want to know
where the fuck they went.

And losing things is one
of those things in life

that's even worse
when you're a child.

Much worse to
lose something

when you're a child
because people

get on you for it.

You know, it's
double jeopardy.

Not only is the item gone

but you're catching
shit from up here.

You what?

I lost my yo-yo.

Well where'd you
have it last?

Hey,

if I knew that

I would still
have my yo-yo.

Well it must be somewhere.

Right.

Well it just didn't
get up and walk away.

That one always got to me.

It just didn't get
up and walk away.

One time I lost a cat.

It just got up
and walked away.

Then she actually
started to say,

Well it just
didn't get up and...

Hey ma,

I think you figured
this one out.

Where do things go
when they're lost?

You know what I think?

I think there's a big
pile of things somewhere.

I think there's a big
constantly changing pile

of things that are lost.

You lose something

it goes to the pile.

And then you say,
Oh look there it is.

Right back from the pile.

And you didn't even
know there was a pile.

And where is the pile?

In heaven of course.

Has to be in heaven.

That's the first
thing that happens

when you get to heaven...

they give you back

everything you ever lost.

That's the whole
meaning of heaven.

You get back everything.

Here you are seventy-nine
pairs of sunglasses,

two hundred and twelve
cigarette lighters,

four thousand nine
hundred and eighty-three

ballpoint pens

and here's a jock strap

we found on the
Golden State Freeway.

It appears to have
mule hoof prints

and chocolate
sprinkles on it.

Must have been
quite an evening.

Yes you get
back everything.

You get back every...
well not everything,

you don't get the
big things back.

Good judgment, that
never comes back,

your tonsils,
your appendix

they keep those for
display purposes.

Virginity, you
don't get that back

cause you were in
such a big hurry

to get rid of it
in the first place.

But you do get
all your wallets.

You get back every
wallet you ever lost.

No cash, it's
just like Earth.

That's right.

They keep the money
as a prayer offering.

Speaking of heaven,

you know what else
they have in heaven?

They've got a
special room

for every balloon
that ever got away.

Yeah, next time
you see a balloon

drifting off by
itself relax

soon it will be
with it's friends

in the balloon room,

off the main hall

in west heaven

and that makes me happy.

You know why?

Because I'm a balloon guy.

I am.

I don't mind admitting
it right in public.

I'm a balloon guy.

I love a balloon.

You know what I say?

I say, Give me a balloon.

Sometimes
I say it loud,

Give me a balloon!

Most people don't pay
any attention to me.

Let's get back
to losing things.

Have you noticed
some people

when they lose something

the first thing they
say is it was stolen?

That's there
first reaction.

Who stole it?

It's an ego defense.

They can't stand the fact

that they might have been

stupid enough to
have lost something.

Had to of been stolen.

Even if it's something

that nobody would
really want.

Hey, hey, who stole
my collection

of used bandages?

And they also got away
with my nude pictures

of Ernest Borgnine.

Did you ever notice this
when you've lost something?

That the longer
you look for it

the stranger the places
get that you're looking.

You look at the
strangest Goddamn places

after a while.

You have to, why?

You've already looked
in the easy places.

Those are the first
places we look,

the obvious places.

People say to each other,

Well I've looked
everywhere.

Well apparently not.

Goddamn thing is
still gone isn't it?

Let's keep looking
in obvious places.

I'll look in the furnace

you check the cesspool.

You look in the
strangest places.

Did you ever look
in the freezer

for your car keys?

You have to why?

They might be in there.

You wouldn't want
to pass up on an

obvious place like
the freezer would you?

You can picture
them in there.

You can see them in there.

That's what the
mind is for,

picturing where you
left your car keys.

You can believe in it

and you can
follow the logic

all the way back
to the supermarket.

I came out of
the supermarket

I had the frozen banana
guacamole in my hands.

I drove home, got
out of the car

with the banana
guacamole in my hand,

I had my keys
in this hand,

I put the banana
guacamole in the freezer,

I probably just dropped
the keys in there too,

let's go take a look.

Oh shit, they're
not in there.

I could have sworn

I left those keys
in the freezer.

And hey,

who stole the
banana guacamole?

You look in the
strangest Goddamn places.

Did you ever find
yourself looking in a

suit you haven't
worn in ten years

for something you just
had twenty minutes ago?

You have to why?

Six more pockets,

wouldn't want to pass
them up would you

or else you wouldn't
be able to say,

I've looked
everywhere.

By the way, while
you're in the closet

check the watch pocket
of your grandfather's

World War I uniform.

You just might have
handed him the keys

before the
Battle of Bradon.

Here's another
thing happens

when your looking
for something.

Did you ever notice

that you'd be looking
for something,

you might be out
in the garage

and every now and
then you'll go back

and look where the
thing ought to be?

You'll go right from the
garage you'll walk back

and look in the top
drawer, Nope not back yet.

You're convinced
that Saint Anthony

will bring those keys back

while you're in
the Goddamn garage.

And of course if you're
looking for car keys

your pocket is one place

where you have
to look at least

six or seven
hundred times.

You wear out the
cloth in your pocket.

Oh gees.

I had them.

They were right
here you know and

I usually...usually I'll
put them in here.

See I get out of the
car, I have them,

see, no, hold on, no,
hold it, wait a minute,

no, no, no,

thought maybe I'd
sneak up on them,

no, they're not in there.

I don't know what the
hell I did with them.

I had them you know?

Hold on...I had...what...what?

Maybe they fell upwards.

Maybe they fell upward

and stuck to some
bubble gum, hold on.

Maybe for the first
time in my life

I dropped them down
near my balls.

No, no, no.

Well your imagination
runs away with you.

Well those are easy
things, car keys,

those are common.

Sometimes it's an unusual
item that's missing

like the couch.

Did you ever come home

and the Goddamn
couch is gone?

Where's the couch?

I don't know.

It's gone.

That's true.

Where could it be?

Could be anywhere.

Maybe it will come back.

Maybe but no not
this, too big.

Nothing over six feet

ever comes back
on it's own.

Well it was here
this morning.

Well of course it was
here this morning,

there'd be no sense in
mentioning the fact

that it isn't here now

unless it had been
here this morning.

Fuck you I'm tired
of your shit.

Why don't you take your
logic and go to bed?

I can't.

Why not?

I sleep on the couch.

Did you ever at home

when you go to
make a sandwich

do you reach down
past the first

two or three
pieces of bread

to get the good bread?

It's sort of a survival
thing of self...

sort of like a...

let my family have
the rotten bread.

I'll take care
of numero uno.

Down we go into the
healthy part of the loaf.

Sometimes you're going
down into the loaf

not so much because
of freshness or mold

but because of the size

of the piece of
bread you want.

As we all know
the fat slices

are somewhere
near the middle.

Down you go and you
have to go past

about eight or nine slices

till you get what you want

and then you hope they
don't rip on the way up.

Right?

And just before
you get them out

the top eight slices go

and fall the other way.

Awe shit I just leave
them crooked don't you.

Yeah, let them think a
burglar made a sandwich

you know?

Not me honey I
didn't do that

I never do that.

That's like who the
fuck is it in my house

who puts away
the milk carton

with this much
milk in it man.

Who the fuck
put that away?

I thought that was full.

Now then the other word
I wanted to remind you of

was the word fuck,

which of course
is the champ

of the all time
dirty words.

When they're always
dirty by God

fuck is right at the
head of the pack.

Fuck's a good strong word.

It's a good strong
word for it's purpose

and it's a word that
a lot of people

have trouble with.

It's an honest word.

It's a forceful word.

It has a lot of emotional
baggage with it.

When you hear
the word fuck

you're not just
hearing the word

you're hearing
everything you

ever heard about fucking.

I mean we have a lot
attitudes about fucking.

Some of them are rational

and some of them aren't.

Some of them
have joy in them.

Some of them have
guilt and fear

and all sorts of things.

And the word fuck
carries with it

a lot of emotional
baggage.

When they say, fuck.

You go whoa, what, oh.

Oh I thought you meant
do it right away.

God.

You know it's just
a word that well

it will clear the room

awfully quick in
some households.

It's a heavy,
good, strong word.

It's a proud
sounding word to me.

Fuck.

Fuck.

I am fuck.

Who are you?

Fuck of the mountain.

I just feel the word
is getting a bad shake.

The word has an
image problem.

The word fuck needs
public relations help.

It's just a word.

You know that's what
you have to remember,

it's just a word

but it's in
such bad shape.

Here's a word that
started out okay.

Started out all right.

Nothing wrong with the
word fuck originally.

I mean there it was,
you're not a bad word.

You're not a bad word.

You've just gotten
in with bad company.

People that's all.

Just the word
was all it was.

The word in the
original old English

is best I can find

fuck only meant to hit.

To smite.

To perhaps hit
with a stick.

To fuck the tree.

To fuck the rock.

To fuck thee.

That's all

and pretty soon

that's all

I'll hit you

with my dick honey.

Look at that.

That's all it was
just a little

I'll knock a little
fuck on you there.

That's all it was,

was a love tap when you
get right down to it.

That's all fuck
ever meant.

All fuck ever meant
was to make love

and to make life

at the same time.

That's pretty magic.

I mean the pretty noble
things we think about,

making love and
making life.

Here was fuck
hanging around

with words like
love and life.

How did it get

such a bad reputation?

We fucked it up.

Yeah.

Well.

We put the aggression

back into the word,

Fuck you!

Fuck you you fuck.

Fuck you you fuck.

Who the fuck do you think
you're fucking with?

Some kind of a fuckhead?

Fuck you.

Who the fuck do you think
you're fucking with me?

Don't fuck with me
I'll fuck over you.

You fuck with me

and you'll get
fucked you fuck.

Don't fuck with
me I'm the fucker.

Don't fuck with
the fucker.

God it sounds
like combat man.

It's got an awful lot...

there's an awful
lot of hostility

in the way that
word is used.

There's an awful
lot of aggression

going down in the
name of fucking.

Imagine that.

The words

make love not war.

Someone pointed
it out finally.

They made it very
clear for us.

Make love not war.

I wish I would have
thought of that phrase

you know?

I really would have been

very happy with myself

if I had thought
of that one.

Man I would have
retired the same day.

I would have left my car
at the red light man.

I say, That's it folks

I'm going to the beach.

You got it make
love not war.

Well I didn't think of it

but I do have
my own phrase.

Make fuck not kill.

It's not as
graceful a phrase

but I'm not looking
to retire either.

The whole idea of
make fuck not kill

is simply to switch the
meanings of the words.

I suggest that
for one year

we trade meanings
on fuck and kill.

Just fuck for kill

and kill for
fuck that's it.

Don't worry about
what they really are

someone else will take
care of real fucking

and real killing.

I'm just worried about
what we call it or them.

We call them
fucking and killing.

I say switch them around.

I think it would
be an insight.

I think we'd
get a new slant

on how we feel
about these words

if we just changed
fucking for killing

for about a
year that's all.

Imagine it.

Sure would be fun

watching TV during
that time huh?

Better get down off
the horse Sheriff

we're fixing to
fuck you now.

Mad fucker still
on the loose.

Not anymore

he's made his first
big mistake my friend

he fucked a cop today.

That makes him
a cop fucker.

Pardon me boys, my
horse broke his leg

I'm going to
have to fuck him

I'll be right back.

Shamu the fucker whale.

And to fuck a
mockingbird.

Hold gently by the wing.

So all I'm
trying to suggest

is that fuck you can
be a positive phrase.

If you hear it from
across the street,

Fuck you! Okay.

Walking, just
plain old walking

is a source of a lot of

experience we'd recognize.

I just...I mean of course...

you know we walk
pretty well,

humans got it down pretty
good wouldn't you say?

Hello there.

Hi Dan.

Look at this,
still walking.

Of course I'm talking
about walking erect.

Homo erectus or
whatever he was.

Cause I mean it's
one of the few things

that separates us

from the lower animals

walking and
hats all right?

Rarely see a lower
animal with a hat.

If he does chances are

a man put it on
him you know?

But there are some
animals that walk erect

for short burst.

You've seen them you know?

That's not it
and we know it.

This is fucking walking.

We know what walking is

we have a right
to be proud.

Being able to
walk like that.

Have a right to
be embarrassed

when it doesn't work.

When we walk dopey.

Sometimes you do
something dumb you know?

Sometimes it's
not your fault

but you always blame
it on something else.

Just a little misstep,

blame it on the sidewalk.

Can't be me I'm graceful.

You've seen him.

Not me fucking
boulder in the road.

Might be the shoes,
they're not mine

I borrowed them.

Not use to the soles.

Good-bye.

Couldn't be me.

That's why like with
a limp you know.

A limp some
people go

but that's not right,

guy with limps
don't do that

unless he just
got the limp.

But you've
seen some guys.

Some guys are good man.

Some guys are really
into their limp

they've had it
a long time.

You've seen guys
like that man.

Shit they pivot on it.

You've seen those guys.

You see them go up
a spiral staircase.

Do you see that shit?

Look at this.

Excuse me for a second.

Guys can handle it

when you've had a
limp a long time.

It's when you
just get a limp.

When it's a new limp

that you're not
good at it yet

and you go

Right in the steel
beam of my leg.

That's when you
not too cool.

Did you ever walk and
count your footsteps?

You know how
many of them fall

in each box on
the sidewalk.

One, two.

One, two.

One, two and a half.

Carry a half.

One, two and a half.

I hate doing math
while I'm walking.

Did you ever
look at yourself

in store windows?

Got to check it out right?

Try to see your profile.

Sometimes you're
walking up the stairs

and you think there's
another stair.

You have to go into a
little routine you know?

Throw them off.

Hi there hi.

Good thing the
stereo's on Mezzanine.

Sometimes you're
going down the stairs

and you think

there's another one.

I was what they call
the fussy eater.

He's fussy.

He's a fussy eater.

Fussy eater
is a euphemism

for big pain in the ass.

I mean if I didn't like
something I told them.

I didn't play
with my food,

pick at my food.

I said, I don't like that.

You make this?

I don't like it.

Why?

They wanted reasons.

Well you don't
always have a reason.

I don't know.

I know I don't like it.

And I know if I ate it

I would like
it even less.

You like it?

You eat it.

Then they would

try to corner
me with logic.

How do you know

you don't like it

if you've never
even tried?

It came to me in a dream.

Something's just
don't look right.

I don't like that ma.

Don't look right to me.

Did you make that?

Is there a picture of
it in the cookbook?

I'll bet it don't
look like that.

Let's face it be honest,

some things
don't look right.

Of course some
people eat anything.

I know that.

Some guys eat anything.

I saw those guys in the
Army on the chow line.

What's this?

Never mind give me
a whole lot of it.

That's rats ass hole, Don.

That certainly makes
a hell of a fondue.

Look I don't eat anything

I don't recognize
immediately.

If I have to ask
questions fuck it

I pass you know?

Tomatoes don't
look right either.

On the outside their fine.

Tomatoes look lovely
on the outside

but you look
inside a tomato

and something is wrong.

Something has gone afoul

inside of a tomato.

It doesn't look
right you know?

It doesn't look like

it's finished yet
for one thing.

It looks like it's in

the larvae stage
or something.

Thousands of seeds

and a whole bunch of
jelly looking stuff.

Get it off my plate.

It's gushy.

It's like that stuff
at the end of an egg.

And I know it's not
the end of an egg

it's the beginning
of a chicken.

It's hen cum.

Get it off my plate.

We go to play monopoly

in groups of
four, five, six

huh?

I guess, Monopoly.

I still play now and then.

I think you never
leave that completely.

You know if they
need an extra guy,

you know I don't
start them up.

Come on will ya?

Okay put me in.

Cause I was never very
good at it you know?

I didn't do very
well, that well.

I have a couple of
railroads you know?

Not a complete asshole.

Own a couple of railroads

snap up Baltic Avenue

as soon as that
became available.

How much is that sixty?

Let me have that mother.

About the best
thing I'd ever have

would be oh

maybe one piece
of property

in the light blue series.

Oriental Avenue

nothing on it of course.

Maybe an excavation.

But all I ever
had on my stuff

was plans,

surveyors marks.

All my friends had
industrial parks,

condominiums, shopping
centers, malls.

Oh boy, Carlin

you're coming down
my side now man.

Big one.

Hot shit a twelve.

Of course you can't
move your token

till you remember
which one you had.

Which token did I have?

Which did I have?

Bullshit
you had the shoe

I get the battleship
every game.

The worst token to
have was the gun.

The big canon.

It was the only token
that kept falling over

you know?

It was the only top heavy.

Throw the dice
anywhere near that one.

Are you the gun?

Are you the gun?

Pick it up would
you please?

And you are you in
jail or just visiting?

Okay well put the
car in the outside

if you're just visiting.

Some guys cared.

That's why they won.

I never won.

I was always in there
at the end though.

The end of the
game cause I'd have

all the one
dollar bills man.

Sure fifteen
hundred in singles

and they needed me
to make change man

for all their
filthy deals.

No I wasn't that
good at the game

I...generally I'd

I'd land on Chance
all the time.

I was constantly
landing on Chance.

Tried to buy it.

We'd get in more fights
trying to buy Chance.

Three, four, five, six,
seven, eight, nine, ten,

Chance.

Little man with the hat.

Two hundred dollars
for being an asshole.

Shuffle them good

that's the second
time I got that one.

There's a lot of shit
you have to put up with

when you're driving,

like red lights.

When did this
bullshit start?

I only noticed them

about a month ago myself.

And I'll be
honest with you

I don't stop for
them anymore.

I did for about a
week didn't like it.

Fuck 'em.

I'm gone.

I got no time to sit
there jacking around

listening to the news.

You know my
motto in traffic,

cop didn't see it,

I didn't do it.

I'm gone.

Hey I haven't
hit anybody yet.

Haven't hit anybody.

I've had a few
people behind me

hit each other but hey.

That's not me
that's back there.

Me.... I'm gone

and I'm getting a whole
lot better mileage.

Especially in town.

God damn them sidewalks
come in handy don't they?

But what are they going
to do if they catch me,

give me a ticket?

You know that's
the big fear

in some people's lives.

Ain't this a bitch
might get a ticket.

You know how to handle

a ticket by
now don't you?

You got to be firm
with the policeman.

Be firm with
that policeman.

Policemen
respect strength.

While he's writing
out the ticket

you got a flash him

a whole lot
of bad looks.

Then when he's almost
finished writing

reach over and grab the
ticket out of his hand.

Tell him you're going to

check it over
for mistakes.

Then when you're
finished reading it

crumble it up and
throw it at his feet

and say, Fuck you

and you're ticket too!

You asshole in a hat.

Can't you see I
have enough garbage

on the floor of
my car already

without another
worthless

piece of paper
from the state?

I got eight or nine
of them fuckin' things

floating around in here.

Hey.

Don't I pay your salary?

They like that when
you're interested

in the state budget.

You're a public servant,

get me a glass of water.

You pinheaded prick

you're holding me up Jack.

People are waiting
for me at a party.

I got a trunk
full of heroin

get the fuck out
of my way will ya?

Tell him it's your car.

Tell him it's your car

and you do what you
Goddamn want with it.

Say I own this car.

My name is on
the pink slip.

I do what I want,
when I want

and I own the
highway too

that my taxes
pay for that.

There both mine.

I own the highway
and I own the car.

I own everything
Goddamn it.

He'll be glad to
hear that shit.

That's what they like,

people who know
their rights.

That why they don't have
to read them to you

on the way downtown

to the maximum
security penitentiary

where you'll spend
the rest of your life

with no conjugal visits

except from some big guy

you don't want one from.

Well I get pissed
Goddamn it.

There's a lot of shit
you have to put up with

when you're driving.

Like these
jogger assholes.

I've killed three of the
motherfuckers myself.

Three.

I have killed three
jogger assholes.

Out.

I'd have more...I'd
have a few more

but I don't
always kill them.

Sometimes I just toy
with them you know?

I pull up in my car

and with my
right front tire

I pull a sneaker
off their heel.

Of course he can't
hear me coming

because he has
on his Walkman.

I'm wearing my
Walkman today.

I'm cutting the world out.

Bullshit you are asshole.

They think they're going
to live longer by jogging.

Not if they get near

my fucking machine
they're not.

You're going away.

It's Michelin
on Nike time.

I don't know
which is worse,

the jogger assholes

or the bicycle
riding creeps.

These faggots on
their bicycles

and they got special
little hats you know.

They have special
little hats

to protect their
special little heads.

And they all try
to act grown up.

These bicycle people
try to act mature

cause they know basically

they're dealing
with a toy.

So they try to
act grown up

by giving hand signals.

That makes them
feel adult.

They give hand signals.

He's going to tell me
where's he's going.

I'll tell you
where you're going

you're going thirty feet

up in the fucking air

is where you're going.

Back on the sidewalk

with the rest of
the children.

Didn't you're
mother tell you

to keep your toys
in the yard.

Well I get pissed
Goddamn it.

There's a lot of shit
you have to put up

with when you're driving.

Like the other cars.

Have you noticed
that hazard?

Thousands of
these other cars

many of them with people

who have licenses
apparently

and they get you so
fucking pissed off.

Some of these people
in their cars

they get you so
fucking pissed off.

You get so fucking pissed
off you know what I mean?

Did you ever get so
fucking pissed off

that you forgot
where you're going?

Because you got
behind someone

who isn't going
anywhere either.

A man with no
destination at all.

And I say, Step
on all the pedals

maybe one of
them means go!

Awe they get you pissed.

I don't know where
they come from

but I believe...

I believe there's an
automotive harassment squad

that is notified when
I leave the house.

All right he's
leaving now.

Everyone in position.

And they're laying for
me all along my route.

Here's a guy making
a U-turn in reverse.

Here's a woman
backing out of a bush.

And each of them has
a special talent.

Each driver has one
thing he does for you.

First of all
there's the guy

whose turn signal has
been on since 1955.

Then there's his opposite.

That's the guy
who doesn't

put his turn signal on

until he's
finished the turn.

He's going to tell
you where he was.

And there's the guy
behind you at night

who's brights are on.

He has his bright's on

in case you want to read.

Well I just
happen to have

a copy of
Ivanhoe with me.

Oh don't they get
you pissed off?

Don't they just get
you so Goddamned mad

sometimes when
you're out there.

Some of them especially.

Here's one you know.

Here's a feeling you'll
recognize immediately.

You ever been
behind somebody

on like a two lane
road or something,

somebody you
cannot get around,

you've been behind
them already

for like eighteen minutes

and you want to
get somewhere

and he's
not moving all?

And did you ever
get so pissed off

that all you want to do
now is catch up with him

to see what the
fuck he looks like?

You know that feeling?

But I just want to see
this cocksucker's face.

Look, he looks exactly
like I thought he would.

Constipated!

Cars to watch out for.

First cars, any car
where the driver

is also on the phone.

Technology has brought us

these self-important
twits.

You know if phones
were invisible

these guys
wouldn't own them.

The whole idea is for
you to see the phone

so you'll know
he's a busy guy.

I'm a busy guy.

He's reaching out

that's what he'd tell you.

I'm reaching out.

Well reach out
and jerk me off.

Then there's these people

who want you to
go ahead of them.

This courtesy bullshit
that's going around.

See I don't think
it's real courtesy

that's why I
don't like it.

It's a bogus.

It's a counterfeit
generosity.

Everybody wants
me to go first.

You go...go
ahead...please...go...go.

Even when I leave the
house in the morning

there's a guy
there at 7 a.m.

waiting for me.

I'm waiting for you
come out so you can go

first...go ahead...go on.

I think it's
a post-Vietnam

guilt syndrome
of some kind.

You know America
has lost its soul

so now it's going
to save its body.

It's like the fitness
craze in this country

well.... doesn't
work that way

you know what I mean?

Doesn't work that way

and I'm sitting
in the driveway.

I know I'm sitting
there, I'm stuck.

It looks like I'm stuck

but I'm not asking
for any help.

I'm not asking
for anything

just sitting there

and some yo-yo,
some putts,

some, some world
class high-tech,

state-of-the-art yo-yo

who hasn't had a
generous thought

since St. Swithins Day

slams on his brakes,

kills three
people behind him

and doesn't ask me to go,

tells me to go.

You, go!

Fuck you!

You go!

I like it here!

I come here all the time.

You go.

Then when he goes

crash into him.

And if he gets out
to complain say,

Hey you said to go.

Thank you all very much.

Have a good time.

Good night Kelly.

Good night Kelly.

See you all later.