George Carlin: Back in Town (1996) - full transcript

Why?

Why?

Why?

Why?

Why is it that
most of the people

who are against abortion

are people you wouldn't want
to fuck in the first place huh?

Huh?

Boy these conservatives
are really something

aren't they?

They're all in
favor of the unborn.



They will do anything
for the unborn

but once you're born
you're on your own.

Pro-life conservatives
are obsessed

with the fetus from
conception to nine months.

After that they don't
want to know about you.

They don't want
to hear from you.

No nothing.

No neonatal care, no
daycare, no head start,

no school lunch, no
food stamps, no welfare,

no nothing.

If you're preborn
you're fine.

If you're preschool
you're fucked.

You're fucked.

Conservatives don't
give a shit about you



until you reach
military age.

Then they think
you are just fine.

Just what they
been looking for.

Conservatives
want live babies

so they can raise them
to be dead soldiers.

Pro-life.

Pro-life.

These people
aren't pro-life

they're killing doctors.

What kind of
pro-life is that?

What they'll do anything
they can to save a fetus

but if it grows
up to be a doctor

they just might
have to kill it?

They're not pro-life.

You know what they are?

They're anti-woman.

Simple as it gets.

Anti-woman. They
don't like them.

They don't like women.

They believe a woman's
primary role is to

function as a broodmare
for the state.

Pro-life.

You don't see
many of these

white anti-abortion women

volunteering to have
any black fetuses

transplanted into
their uteruses do you?

No you don't see
them adopting

a whole lot of crack
babies do you?

No that might be
something Christ would do.

And you won't see...

you won't see
a lot of these

pro-life people dousing
themselves in kerosene

and lighting
themselves on fire.

You know morally committed
religious people

in South Vietnam
knew how to stage

a Goddamn demonstration
didn't they?

Huh?

Hey.

They knew how to put
on a fucking protest.

Light yourself on fire!

Come on you
moral crusaders

let's see a little smoke

to match that fire
in your belly.

Here's another
question I have.

How come when it's
us it's an abortion

and when it's a chicken
it's an omelet?

What?

Are we so much better than
chickens all of a sudden?

When did this happen

that we pass chickens
in goodness?

Name six ways we're
better than chickens.

See nobody can do it.

You know why?

Cause chickens
are decent people.

You don't see chickens

hanging around in
drug gangs do you?

You don't see a chicken

strapping some
guy to a chair

and hooking up his nuts
to a car battery do you?

When's the last chicken
you heard about

came home from work

and beat the shit
out of his hen?

Doesn't happen

cause chickens are
decent people.

Well let's get back
to this abortion shit.

Now is a fetus
a human being?

This seems to be the
central question.

Well if a fetus
is a human being

how come the census
doesn't count them?

If a fetus is
a human being

how come when there's
a miscarriage

they don't have a funeral.

If a fetus is
a human being

how come people say
we have two children

and one on the way

instead of saying we
have three children?

People say life
begins at conception,

I say life began about
a billion years ago

and it's a
continuous process.

Continuous, just
keeps rolling along.

Rolling.

Rolling.

Rolling along.

I said you know something?

Listen, you can go
back further than that.

What about the
carbon atoms?

Huh?

Human life could not
exist without carbon

so is it just
possible that maybe

we shouldn't be
burning all this coal?

Just looking for a
little consistency here

in these anti-abortion
arguments.

See the really hardcore
people will tell you

life begins at
fertilization.

Fertilization when the
sperm fertilizes the egg,

which is usually a few
moments after the man says,

"Gee honey I was
going to pull out

but the phone rang
and it startled me."

Fertilization.

But even after the egg
is fertilized it's still

six or seven days before
it reaches the uterus

and pregnancy begins

and not every egg
makes it that far.

80% of a woman's
fertilized eggs are

rinsed and flushed out
of her body once a month

during those delightful
few days she has.

They wind up on
sanitary napkins

and yet they are
fertilized eggs.

So basically what these
anti-abortion people

are telling us is that

any woman who's had
more than one period

is a serial killer.

Consistency.

Consistency.

Hey, hey if they really
want to get serious

what about all the
sperm that are wasted

when the state executes
a condemned man

and one of these
pro-life guys

who's watching comes
in his pants huh?

Here's a guy
standing over there

with his jockey
shorts full

of little Vinnie's
and Debbie's

and nobody's saying
a word to the guy.

Not every ejaculation
deserves a name.

Now

speaking of consistency

Catholics, which I was

until I reached
the age of reason,

Catholics

Catholics and
other Christians

are against abortions

and they're against
homosexuals.

Well who has less
abortions than homosexuals?

Leave these fucking
people alone

for Crist sakes.

Here is an entire
class of people

guaranteed never to
have an abortion

and the Catholics
and Christians

are just tossing
them aside.

You'd think they'd
make natural allies.

Go look for consistency
in religion.

And speaking of my
friends, the Catholics,

when John Cardinal
O'Connor of New York

and some of these other
cardinals and bishops

have experienced their
first pregnancies

and their first
labor pains

and they've raised a
couple of children

on a minimum wage

then I'll be glad to hear

what they have to
say about abortion.

I'm sure it will
be interesting

and enlightening too

but

but

in the meantime what
they ought to be doing

is telling these priests
who took a vow of chastity

to keep their hands
off the altar boys.

Keep your hands to
yourself Father

you know?

When Jesus said,

"Suffer the little
children come onto me,"

that's not what he
was talking about.

So you know what I tell

these anti-abortion
people?

I say, Hey,

hey if you think a fetus

is more important
than a woman

try getting a fetus to

wash the shit stains
out of your underwear.

For no pay and no pension.

I tell them to think
of an abortion

as term limits,
that's all it is.

Biological term limits.

But you know the
longer you listen

to this abortion debate

the more you here this
phrase sanctity of life.

You've heard that,
sanctity of life.

You believe in it?

Personally I think
it's a bunch of shit.

Well I mean
life is sacred?

Who said so?

God?

Hey if you read
history you realize

that God is one of the
leading causes of death.

Has been for
thousands of years.

Hindus, Muslims,
Jews, Christians

all taking turns
killing each other

cause God told them
it was a good idea.

The sword of God, the
blood of the Lamb,

vengeance is my millions
of dead motherfuckers.

Millions of dead
motherfuckers

all because they gave
the wrong answer

to the God question.

You believe in God?

No.

Dead.

You believe in God?

Yes.

You believe in my God?

No.

Dead.

My God has a bigger
dick than your God.

Thousands of years...

Thousands of years and
all the best wars too.

The bloodiest most
brutal wars fought

all based on
religious hatred,

which is fine with me.

Hey anytime a bunch
of holy people

want to kill each
other I'm a happy guy.

But don't be giving
me all this shit

about the
sanctity of life.

I mean even if there
were such a thing

I don't think it's something
you can blame on God.

No you know what the
sanctity of life came from?

We made it up.

You know why?

Cause were alive.

Self-interest.

Living people have
a strong interest in

promoting the idea of
somehow life is sacred.

You don't see Abbott and
Costello running around

talking about
this shit do you?

Were not hearing
a whole lot

from Mussolini
on the subject.

What's the
latest from JFK?

Not a Goddamn thing

cause JFK, Mussolini
and Abbott and Costello

are fucking dead.

They're fucking dead.

And dead people give
less than a shit

about the
sanctity of life.

Only living people
care about it

so the whole
thing grows out of

a completely biased
point of view.

It's a self-serving,
man-made bullshit story.

It's one of these things
we tell ourselves

so we'll feel noble.

Life is sacred.

Makes you feel noble.

But let me ask you this.

If everything that
ever lived is dead

and everything alive
is going to die

where does the
sacred part come in?

I'm having
trouble with that.

Cause I mean even with
this stuff we preach

about the sanctity of
life we don't practice it.

We don't practice it.

Look at what we kill.

Mosquitoes and flies

cause their pests.

Lions and tigers

cause it's fun.

Chickens and pigs

cause we're hungry.

Pheasants and quails

cause it's fun

and we're hungry.

And people.

We kill people

cause their pests

and it's fun.

And you might have
noticed something else.

The sanctity of
life doesn't seem

to apply to cancer
cells does it?

You rarely see a bumper
sticker that says,

Save the tumors

or I break for
advanced melanoma.

Nah viruses, mold,
mildew, maggots, fungus,

weeds, ecoli
bacteria, the crabs,

nothing sacred
about those things.

So at best the
sanctity of life

is kind of a
selective thing.

We get to choose
which forms of life

we feel are sacred

and we get to
kill the rest.

Pretty neat deal huh?

You know how we got it?

We made the whole
fucking thing up.

Made it up.

The same way

Thank you.

The same way we made
up the death penalty.

We made them both up.

Sanctity of life and
the death penalty

aren't we versatile?

And you know in
this country

now there are a
lot of people

who want to expand
the death penalty

to include drug dealers.

This is really stupid.

Drug dealers aren't
afraid to die.

They're already killing
each other every day

on the streets
by the hundreds.

Drive-bys,
gang shootings,

they're not afraid to die.

Death penalty doesn't
mean anything

unless you use
it on people

who are afraid to die

like the bankers who
launder the drug money.

The bankers

who launder

the drug money.

Forget the dealers.

You want to slow down
that drug traffic

you got to start executing

a few of these
fucking bankers.

White middle class
Republican bankers.

And I'm not talking

I'm not talking about

soft American executions

like lethal injection.

I'm talking about fucking
crucifixion folks.

Let's bring back
crucifixion,

a form of capital
punishment

that Christians and
Jews of America

can really appreciate.

And I'd go a
little further.

I'd crucify people
upside down.

Like Saint Peter,
feet up head down.

And naked.

I'd have naked, upside
down crucifixions

on TV once a week
at half time

on the monday night
football game.

Monday night.

The monday night
crucifixions.

You'd have
people tuning in

don't even care
about football.

Wouldn't you
like to hear

Dan Deardorf explain

why the nails have to go
in at a certain angle?

And I'll guarantee
you one thing

you start executing,

you start nailing one
white banker per week

to a big wooden
cross on national TV

you're going to see
that drug traffic

begin to slow down
pretty fucking quick.

Pretty fucking quick.

You won't even be
able to buy drugs

in schools and
prisons anymore.

Now I don't care about
capital punishment

one way or another

cause I know it
doesn't do anything.

It doesn't do anything
except maybe satisfy

a kind of a biblical
need for revenge.

You know if you read
the bible you see that

it's full of
retribution and revenge

so really capital
punishment

is kind of a
religious ritual.

It's a purification rite.

It's a modern sacrament

and as long as that's true

I say let's liven
it up a little.

I honestly believe if you
make the death penalty

a little more
entertaining

and learn to market
it correctly

you just might be able
to raise enough money

to balance the stupid
fucking budget.

Balance the stupid
fucking budget.

And don't forget
the polls show

the American people
want capital punishment

and they want a
balanced budget

and I think even in
a fake democracy

people ought to
get what they want

once in a while

just to feed
this illusion

that there
really in charge.

Let's use capital
punishment the same way

we use sports
and television

in this country
to distract people

and take their
minds off

how bad their being
fucked by the upper 1%.

Now unfortunately

unfortunately monday
night football

doesn't last long enough.

What we really need

is year round
capital punishment

on TV every night
with sponsors.

Got to have sponsors.

I'm sure as long
we're killing people

Marlboro cigarettes
and Dow Chemical

would be proud
to participate.

Proud to participate.

Balance the stupid
fucking budget.

And let me say this

to you my interesting
Judea Christian friends

not only

not only do I
recommend crucifixions

I'd be in favor of
bringing back beheadings.

Beheadings on TV,

slow motion,

instant replay

and maybe you
could let the heads

roll down a little hill

and fall into one of
five numbered holes.

Yeah.

Let the people at home
gamble on which hole

the head is going
to fall into.

And you do it in a stadium

so the mob can
gamble on it too.

Raise a little more money

and if you want to expand

the violence a
little longer

to sell a few
more commercials

instead of
using an axe

you do the beheadings
with a hand saw.

Hey don't bail out on
me now God damn it.

The blood is already
on our hands

all were talking about
is a matter of degree.

You want something a
little more delicate?

We'll do the beheadings
with an olive fork.

That would be nice.

And it would take a
good Goddamn long time.

There's a lot of good
things we could be doing.

When's the last time

we burned someone
at the stake?

It's been too long.

Here's another form
of capital punishment

comes out of a nice rich
religious tradition,

burning people
at the stake

sponsor,

Bridgeford Charcoal.

And you put it on TV
on Sunday mornings.

The Sunday morning
Evangelical

Send Us An Offering

Praise Jesus
Human Bonfire.

You don't think that
would get big ratings

in this sick
fucking country?

Shit you'd have people

skipping church to
watch this stuff.

And you take the
money they send in

the offerings and
you use it

To balance the budget.

What about boiling
people in oil?

Boy those were the
days weren't they?

You get the oil going
real good, you know?

A nice high rolling boil

and then slowly at
the end of a rope

you lower the
perpetrator head first

into the
boiling oil huh?

You talk about fun shit.

And just to encourage
citizen participation

you let the mob
in the stadium

control the speed
of the rope.

Good clean, wholesome
family entertainment.

The kids will love it.

The kids will love it

and at the same time
their enjoying themselves

were teaching them

a nice Christian
moral lesson.

Oiling people in oil.

Sponsor, Crisco.

And maybe instead of
boiling all these guys

every now and then

you could French fry
a couple of them.

French fried felons.

Dip a guy in egg batter
just for a goof you know?

Kind of a tempura
thing huh?

Jeffrey Dahmer never
thought of this shit did he?

Jeffrey Dahmer eat
your heart out,

which is an interesting
thought in of itself.

All right enough
nostalgia

what about some
modern forms

of capitol
punishment?

How about we
throw a guy

off the World Trade Center

and whoever he lands on

wins the Publishers
Clearing House huh?

Okay something a little
more sophisticated:

You dip a guy
in brown gravy

and lock him in a small
room with a wolverine

who's high on angel dust.

There's one guy
that's not going to be

fucking with too many kids

at the bus stop
for a while huh?

Here's something really
nice you could do.

You shoot a guy out of
a high-speed catapult

right into a brick wall.

Trouble is it would
be over too quick.

No good for
TV you know,

you'd have to do a
whole bunch of guys

right in a row.

Rapid-fire capital
punishment.

Fifteen catapults while
you're shooting off one

you're loading
up the others.

Of course every
now and then

you would have to stop

to clean off the wall.

Cleanliness right
next to Godliness.

All right high tech.

I sense some of you's are
waiting for high tech.

I got it.

You take a small
tactical nuclear weapon

and stick it
up a guy's ass.

A thermal nuclear
suppository.

Preparation-H Bomb.

You talk about
fallout huh?

Whoa!

Or you take the bomb

and you stick it just
inside that little hole

on the end of a
guy's dick you know?

Yeah.

A bomb in a dick.

When it goes off the
guy wouldn't know

whether he was
coming or going.

Get out of here.

I got you.

Hey

listen

Hey

I got a lot
of good ideas.

Balance the stupid
fucking budget.

Here's another idea.

I'm going to save you

a whole lot of
money on prisons

but at the same time

we are still going to
remove from society

many of our more
unannoying citizens.

Four groups are going
away permanently.

First group
violent criminals.

Here's what you do with
these Emmy Award winners.

You take the entire
state of Kansas,

you move everybody out.

You give them a couple
hundred dollars

for their inconvenience
you know?

That'll be fair

and then you
move them out,

you put a big ten-story
electric fence

around Kansas and
Kansas becomes

a permanent prison farm

for violent criminals.

No parole, no
police, no supplies

the only thing
you give them

is lethal weapons
and live ammunition

so they can communicate

in a meaningful way.

Then you put the whole
thing on cable TV.

The violence network, VNN

and for a
corporate sponsor

you get one of
those company's

that loves to smear
its logo feces

all over the landscape,

Budweiser will
jump at this shit

in half a minute.

All right next group,

sex criminals.

Completely incurable
you got to lock them up.

You could outlaw religion

and most of
these sex crimes

would disappear in a
couple of generations

but we don't have time
for rational solutions.

Much easier to fence off
another rectangular state.

Rectangular states
are cheaper to fence,

saves the taxpayers
money you know?

This time Wyoming

but only for true
sex offenders.

We're not going to
bother consenting adults

who like to dress up

in leather Boy
Scout uniforms

and smash each
other in the head

with ballpeen hammers

while they take turns
blowing their cat.

There's certainly
nothing wrong with that.

It's a victimless hobby

and think of how good
the cat must feel.

No were only
going to lock up

rapist and molesters,

those hopeless romantics

who are so full of love

they can't help getting
a little of it on you.

Usually on your leg.

You take all these heavy
breathing fun seekers

and you stick
them in Wyoming

and you let them suck,
fuck and fondle.

You let them blow,
chew, sniff, lick, whip,

gobble and corn
hole each other

until their testicles
are whistling

O'Come All Ye Faithful.

Then you turn
on the cameras

and you got the
Sperm Channel

and don't forget our
corporate sponsor,

were going to
let Budweiser

put little logo patches

on the rapists
pants right here,

This Pud's for You.

All right next group,

drug addicts
and alcoholics.

Not all of them,
don't get nervous,

just the ones who are
making life difficult

for at least one
other person.

And were not going to
bother first offenders.

People deserve a
chance to clean up.

Everyone will get

twelve chances
to clean up.

Okay.

All right.

Fifteen... fifteen.

That's fine and that's it.

If you can't make
it in fifteen tries

off you go
To Colorado.

Colorado,

a perfect place
for staying loaded.

Each week all of
the illegal drugs

confiscated in
the United States

that the police and DEA

don't keep for their
own personal use,

will be air dropped
into Colorado.

And were going to turn
the Coors Brewery

over to the beer
drinking assholes

and everyone can stay

wasted, wired, stoned,
bombed, hammered,

smashed and shit-faced
around the clock

on another new
cable channel,

Shit Faced Central

this is the real
Rocky Mountain High!

Okay I've saved my
favorite group for last.

The maniacs and
crazy people.

Yeah.

The ones who live out

where the buses don't run.

And I distinguish between
maniacs and crazy people.

A maniac will beat
nine people to death

with a steel dildo.

A crazy person will beat
nine people to death

with a steel dildo
but he'll be wearing

a Bugs Bunny suit
at the time.

So you can't put
them all away.

You know you got to keep
some of them around

just for the
entertainment.

Like a guy who tells you

that the King of Sweden
is using his penis

as a radio transmitter

to send anti-Semitic
lesbian meatloaf recipes

to Soupy Sales and
Marvin Hamlish.

A guy like that

you want to give him
his own radio show.

No the maniac farm
will be reserved

strictly for
hopeless cases

like a guy who
gets a big tattoo

on his chest of Liza
Minnelli taking a shit.

You know?

And he tells you if he
wiggles a certain way

it looks like she's
wiping her ass you know?

A guy like that you want
to get him into custody

as quickly as possible.

Now for the maniac farm

I think there's
no question

we got to go with Utah.

Utah, easy to
fence... easy to fence,

right next to
Wyoming and Colorado

and Colorado is
right next Kansas

and that means
all four groups

of our most
amusing citizens

are now in one place

except for the big fences

and I think I
have another one

of my really good
ideas for cable TV.

Gates.

Small sliding gates
in the fences.

Think of what
you got here.

Think of what you've got.

Predators, degenerates,

crack heads and
fruitcakes.

Nine hundred miles of
fence separating them.

Every fifty miles you
put a small sliding gate

but the gates are
only ten inches wide

and there only
open once a month

for seven seconds.

And you know something

fuck cable

this shit has got to
be on pay-per-view.

Because if those
gates are only open

seven seconds a month

you are going to have

some mighty
interesting people

pushing and shoving
to be first on line.

Deeply disturbed,

armed, cranky lunatics

on drugs.

You know the ones.

A lot of tattoos,

lot of teeth broken
off at the gum line,

the true face of America

and every time you
open the gates

a few of the more
aggressive ones

are going to get through.

The cr?me da la cr?me.

The alphas.

They're going
to get through.

Their going to
find each other

and their going
to cross breed

and pretty soon you
have a melting pot.

Child killers,
corpse fuckers,

drug zombies and
full-blown wackoloons

wondering the landscape

in search of
truth and fun.

Just like now.

Everyone will have guns.

Everyone will have drugs

and no one will
be in charge.

Just like now.

But at least we'll
have a balanced budget.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

I appreciate it.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey time for a
few fart jokes.

Where would a
comedy show be

without a few fart jokes?

Question

Did you ever have to fart

on a bus or an airplane

or in some public place

but you hadn't been
farting all that day

so you didn't really know

the nature of the beast.

You only knew there
was lots of it.

In a situation like that

what you have to do

is to release

a test fart.

You have to
arrange to release

quietly

and in a carefully
controlled manner

about ten to
fifteen percent

of the total fart

in order to determine

if those around
you can handle it.

Or... or if in fact

you may be about
to precipitate

a public health emergency.

When releasing a test
fart it is often good

to engage in an
act of subterfuge,

such as reaching
for a magazine.

Say,

is that Golf Digest?

That doesn't smell
too horrifying.

In fact in an odd way
it's rather pleasant.

I think they
ought to enjoy

the rest of this baby.

And it turns out to be

one of those farts

that would strip the
varnish off a footlocker.

A fart that could
end a marriage.

And everyone around you

heads for the exits.

Even the people
on the airplane.

As you realize it is time

to review your
fiber intake.

It might not be
necessary after all

each morning to eat an
entire wicker swing set.

I have no ending for this

so I take a small bow.

Thank you.

I appreciate that.

Thank you.

Okay.

And this next thing

this next thing is about

the English language.

It's about little
expressions we use.

We all say them.

The little sayings and
expressions that we use

all the time most of us

and we never really seem

to examine these
expressions

very carefully at all

we just sort of
say these things

as if they really
made sense.

Like "Legally drunk."

Well if it's legal

what's the
fucking problem?

Hey,

leave my friend
alone officer

he's legally drunk.

"You know where
can stick it."

Well why do we always
assume everyone knows

where they can stick it?

Suppose you don't know.

Suppose you're a new guy.

You have absolutely no
idea where to stick it.

I think there
ought to be

a government
booklet entitled,

"Where to Stick It."

Now that I think
of it I believe

there is a government
booklet like that.

They send it to
you on April 15th.

"Undisputed Heavy
Weight Champion."

Well if it's undisputed

what's all the
fighting about?

"It's the quiet ones
you got to watch."

You know that one huh?

Every time you
see a story

about a serial
killer on TV

what do they do?

They bring on the neighbor

and then the
neighbor says,

Well he was always
very quiet.

And someone in
the room says,

It's the quiet ones
you got to watch.

This sounds to me

like a very
dangerous assumption.

I will bet you anything

that while you're
watching the quiet one

a noisy one will
fucking kill you.

Suppose you're in a bar

and one guy sitting
over on the side

reading a book not
bothering anybody,

another guy standing
up at the front

with a machete banging
on the bar saying,

I'll kill the next
motherfucker who comes in here.

Who you going to watch?

You're God damn right.

"Lock them up and
throw away the key."

This is really stupid.

Where you going
to throw the key?

Right out in
front of the jail?

His friends will find it.

How far can you
throw a key?

Fifty, sixty
feet the most.

Even if you lay it flat
on its side like that

and you scale it

what do you get an
extra ten feet tops.

This is a stupid idea.

Needs to be
completely rethought.

"Down the tubes."

You hear that one
alot, people say,

Awe the country is
going down the tubes.

What tubes?

Have you seen any tubes?

Where are these tubes?

And where do they go?

And how come there's
more than one tube?

It would seem to me
one country one tube.

What does every state
all of a sudden

have to have it's
own tube now?

One tube is all you need.

But a tube that big

somebody would have
seen it by now.

Somebody would have said,

Hey Joey... Joey look
at the fucking tube.

Big ass fucking
tube over here.

You never here that.

You know why?

No tubes.

We don't have tube one.

We are essentially
tubeless.

"Takes the cake."

You know?

Say, Boy he really
takes the cake.

Where?

Where do you take a
cake to the movies?

You know where I
would take a cake

down to the bakery

to see the other cakes.

And how come he
takes the cake?

How come he don't
take the pie?

The pie is easier to
carry than the cake.

"Easy as pie."

Hey wait,

cake is not too hard
to carry either.

"Piece of cake."

"The greatest thing
since sliced bread."

So this is it huh folks?

A couple hundred
thousand years.

The fucking pyramids
for Christ sakes.

Panama Canal.

The Great Wall of China.

Even a lava lamp

to me is greater
than sliced bread.

What's so great
about sliced bread?

You got a knife: You
got a loaf of bread

slice the fucking thing!

And get on with your life.

"Out walking the streets."

You know guy
gets a parole.

They say, Now instead
of being in prison

this guy is out
walking the streets.

How do we know?

Maybe the guy's home
banging the babysitter.

Not everybody that
gets a parole

is out walking the
fucking streets.

A lot of times they
steal a car you know?

So we ought to be glad.

Thank God he stole a car.

At least he's not out
walking the streets.

"Fine and dandy."

That's an old fashioned
one that ya hear.

Say to a guy, How are ya?

Just fine and dandy.

Not me.

I never say that.

You know how come?

Cause I'm never both
of those things

at the same time.

Sometimes I'm
fine not dandy.

Close to dandy.

Approaching dandy.

In the vicinity
of dandy hood

not quite fully dandy.

Other times I am
indeed highly dandy.

However, not fine.

One time

One time

in 1965

August for about an hour

I was both fine and
dandy at the same time

but nobody asked
me how I was.

And I could
have told them.

Could have told them.

Could have told them.

I could have said
to the person,

fine and dandy...

I consider it a
lost opportunity.

"Walking papers."

You know?

Guy gets fired.

You say, Gees poor guy.

Well they give him his
walking papers today.

Did you ever get
any walking papers?

Seriously?

Believe me in my life

I got fired a
lot of times.

You can tell.

Never got any
walking papers.

Never got a pink
slip either.

You know what I would get?

A guy would come around
to my desk and say,

Get the fuck out of here!

You don't need
paper for that.

It's like "The
Riot Act."

"The Riot Act."

They keep telling you

their going to
read that to you.

Have you heard
this thing at all?

Especially when
you're a kid

they threaten you.

You wait till your
father comes home.

He's going to read
you the riot act.

Tell him I already
read it myself

and I didn't
like it either.

I consider it wordy
and poorly thought out.

He wants to read me
something how about

'The Gentleman's Guide

to the Golden Age
of Blow Jobs.'

"More than happy."

I bet you say that
sometimes don't you?

Once in a while you
say to somebody,

Oh I'd be more than
happy to do that.

How can you be
more than happy?

To me this sounds

like a dangerous
mental condition.

We had to put Dave
in the mental home.

He was

more than happy.

One more of these.

"In your own words."

People say that to you?

You know when you
hear that a lot

in a classroom

or in a courtroom

they'll say to you,

Tell us in your own words.

Do you have
your own words?

Hey I'm using the ones

everybody else
has been using.

Next time they tell
you to say something

in your own words say,

Nik flak flarnee
kloundo floo.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Now this next piece of
material is real simple

it's called
free-floating hostility.

Twenty-four minor
culture items

I'm bored with tired
of and pissed at.

So I hope you're ready
for a little random anger.

People

People

People who make
quote marks

in the air with
their finger.

Are you tired of
these people yet?

He said he was, "Sober."

Hey lady,

"Eat me."

Budda-boom budda-bing.

Next guy says to me
budda-boom budda-bing

is getting kicked right
in the fucking nuts.

Budda-boom mother fucker!

You want to
try budda-bing?

Bad hair day.

Where did this
shit come from?

What a superficial
culture.

Put on a hat and go to
work you shallow cunt.

It's a good thing
Lewis and Clark

never had a
bad hair day

or Daniel Boone huh?

Kuster he had a
really bad hair day

but he had it
coming that blond,

blue-eyed criminal fuck.

What about these
guys that tell you,

I heard that.

I heard that.

Ah you did, did you?

Well isn't this exciting.

What is this a
fucking hearing test?

Did I wonder into a
Beltone commercial here?

Of course you heard
you fucking nimrod

I'm standing
right next to ya.

I'm going to
move down here.

I'm going to move a
little farther away.

Blow me!

By any chance did
you here that?

What about these
people who tell you

their needs
aren't being met?

You run into this stuff?

This is support
group shit.

Twelve steppers.

My needs aren't being met.

Know what I tell them?

Drop some of your needs.

Life is a zero sum game.

What else is troubling me?

Mickey Mouse's birthday
being announced

on the television news

as if it's an
actual event.

I don't give a shit.

If I cared about Mickey
Mouse's birthday

I'd have memorized
it years ago

and I'd send him a card.

Dear Mickey,
Happy Birthday.

Love, George.

I don't do that why?

I don't give a shit.

Fuck Mickey Mouse.

Fuck him in the asshole
with a big rubber dick.

Then break it off

and beat him with
the rest of it.

I hope Mickey dies.

I do, I hope he
Goddamn dies.

I hope he gets a hold
of some tainted cheese

and dies lonely
and forgotten

behind the baseboard
of a soiled bathroom

in a poor neighborhood

with his hand in
Goofy's pants.

Mickey Mouse, no wonder

no one in the world takes
our country serious.

Do we waste valuable
television time

informing our
citizens of the age

of an imaginary rodent!

Now let me ask you this,

the two pandas in the zoo

do you care if they fuck?

I don't.

Why don't they stop
telling me on the news

the pandas didn't
fuck again this year?

I'm not concerned.

I have no emotional stake

in panda fucking
all right?

If they want to they will.

If not they'll watch
the Price is Right.

Probably the only reason

they're not
doing it on time

is cause some jack off

from the environmental
movement

has moved into the
cage with them.

Could you get a hard on

if some guy in a green
T-shirt with a stopwatch

was taking your girlfriends
rectal temperature?

Leave these
creatures alone.

And

let me get a sip of
water here, hold on.

All right.

And as long as were
talking about the news

I don't want to
hear anything more

about sperm egg
donor surrogate

invetro test tube
biological adoptive

foster parents who
want their baby back.

Baby Jane, Baby Ruth,
Baby This, Baby That,

Baby It's Cold Outside,
I don't give a shit.

Leave me alone and
keep it off my TV.

Sick American shit.

I'm also tired
of hearing about

innocent victims.

This is an outmoded idea.

There are no
innocent victims.

If you live on this planet

you're guilty period.

Fuck you.

End of report next case.

Next fucking case.

Next case.

You're birth certificate
is proof of guilt.

And what happened in this
country that now suddenly

everyone is walking around

with their own personal
bottle of water?

When did we get so
thirsty in America?

Is everybody
so dehydrated

they have to have

their own portable
supply of fluids

with them at all times?

Get a drink before
you leave the house.

Another crime
against society,

hyphenated names.

Hey lady pick a fucking
name would you please?

Pick a fucking name.

Hi I'm Emily
Jericho-Fordescu.

Hi I'm George
Jerk-Me-Off-Fuck-You-Too.

You don't acquire
personal dignity

by adding a name
to your name.

Feminists think
it's a radical act.

It's not.

Castrating a guy
in a parking lot

with a Coke bottle
is a radical act.

Hyphenating your name
is pretentious bullshit.

And what is going
on with all these

telephone-calling plans?

MCI, AT& T is this
shit really necessary?

When did the
phone bill become

life's most
critical document?

In a country
where you can buy

cinnamon dental floss,

cheese in a spray can

and eatable
women's panties

are people really
breaking their balls

to save nine cents on
a fucking phone call?

You know?

Talking to your
mother once a year

might not be the most
pleasant thing in the world

but it should not be seen

as a critical
spending decision.

Something else I
don't understand

motivation tapes.

Motivation books.

What happened here?

Suddenly everybody
needs to be motivated?

It's a fairly
simple thing.

Either you want to do
something or you don't?

What's the big mystery?

Besides if you're
motivated enough

to go the store to
by a motivation book

aren't you motivated
enough to do that

so you don't
need the book?

Put it back.

Tell the clerk, Fuck you.

I'm motivated.

I'm going home.

I'm going home.

And can anyone
explain to me

the need for one hour
photo finishing?

You just saw the
fucking thing.

How can you possibly be
nostalgic about a concept

like a little while ago?

Another complaint,

too many vehicles.

There are some families
in this country

own entirely too
many vehicles.

You see them on the
highway in an RV.

But that's not
enough for them.

RV's not enough.

Behind them they're
towing a motorboat,

go-cart, dune buggy,
dirt bike, Jet Ski,

snow mobile,
parasail, hand glider,

wind surfing equipment,
a hot air balloon

and a small two-man
deep-sea diving bell.

Doesn't anyone just take
a fucking walk anymore?

The only thing
these people lack

is a lunar
excursion module.

Too many choices America.

It's not healthy.

Another abomination,

white guys

over ten years of age

who wear their baseball
hats backwards.

Listen to me.

White guys let me
tell you something.

You're never going to be
as cool as black guys.

It's not going to happen.

You're white

and you're lame.

It's a fucking
law of nature.

Turning your hat around

and learning a
complicated handshake

will not make you cool.

And you black guys

since you started
the whole thing

I'm going to let you
stay with the hats

a little bit longer
but I think really

once you qualify
for social security

it's time to spin
that motherfucker

around to the
front of you.

All right?

Yeah.

Another tip... another
tip for the men.

The earring.

The thing with
the earrings.

It's over.

It's been over
for a long time.

Doesn't mean
anything anymore.

It was supposed to
piss off the squares.

The squares are
wearing them now.

Doesn't mean anything.

It's just fucking jewelry.

Unless you have an earring

with a live baby
hanging from it

it's just jewelry.

And I want you to know

I'm in favor of
self-mutilation

and personal
disfigurement.

I've always said there's
nothing like puncturing

and perforating your skin
in a dozen or so places

in order to demonstrate
your high self-esteem.

When I see a young man
decorating his scalp

with a soldering
iron I say,

There's a happy guy.

Thinks highly of himself.

And haven't we gone a
little overboard with

these colored ribbons
for different causes?

Every cause has it's
own colored ribbon now.

Red for AIDS.

Blue for child abuse.

Pink for breast cancer.

Green for the rain forest.

Purple for urban violence.

I got a brown one.

You know what it means?

Eat shit motherfucker!

Eat shit motherfucker!

And what can we do

to silence these
Christian athletes

who thank Jesus
whenever they win,

never mention his
name when they lose.

Not a word.

You never hear them say,

Jesus made me
drop the ball.

The good Lord
tripped me up

behind the line
of scrimmage.

According to these guys
Jesus is undefeated.

Meanwhile, these assholes
are in last place.

Must be another one
of those miracles.

And speaking of
delusional people

what about a guy who
hears a voice in his head

tells him to kill
his entire family

so he does it?

Is this the only thing
a voice in the head

ever tells these
people to do

is to kill others?

Doesn't a voice
ever tell a guy?

Go take a shit on the
salad bar at Wendy's.

Doesn't a voice... doesn't
a voice tell a guy

to take out his dick on the
merry-go-round once in a while?

Well some guys

do take out their dicks
on the merry-go-round

but usually it's
their own idea.

Something else I
can do without,

aftershave and cologne

and this disgusting shit

that men put on
their bodies.

Just what I need
in the elevator

some guy standing
next to me

smells like a
fucking pine tree.

I say, Go home and
wash you smelly prick.

You smell like the urinal
in a Portuguese cathouse.

Goddamn guys are stupid.

Guys are really
fucking dumb.

They think they're going to
get laid with stuff you know?

Oh yeah they put
it on at home.

Oh boy, oh boy I'll
get laid tonight.

I'll get laid tonight.

You don't get laid
with green shit

that comes out of
a bottle okay?

The only smell that's
going to help you get laid

might be your own
natural scent.

You have pheromones

it's a secondary
sex characteristic.

People in America they're
all nervous about sex.

They want to cover it
up and disguise it.

Guys in Europe they
know how to live.

Guy gets in an
elevator over there

he smells like a
pile of dog shit.

Those people are
sophisticated.

Getting pretty tired of
these guys walking around

in cowboy hats
and cowboy boots.

You ever see
these jack offs?

Can't we kill some of
these motherfuckers?

Walking around in a
fucking cowboy hat.

Grown men.

It's not even Halloween
for Christ sakes.

I say, Hey Tex

grow up and get
yourself a wardrobe

consistent with the
century you're living in.

Why do certain
men feel the need

to dress up as
mythic figures?

You don't see anyone
walking around

in a pirate
costume do you?

When was the last
guy you ran into

had on a Viking outfit?

Make believe cowboys,

closest they ever
got to a cow

is when they stopped to
take a piss at an Arby's.

And camcorders.

Here is technology
gone bezerk.

Everywhere you go now
there's some dick,

some yo-yo,

some putts

with a camcorder

and he is going to
tape everything.

Doesn't anyone
in this country

just stop and look
at things anymore?

Sort of take them in.

Maybe even remember them.

Is that such a
strange notion?

Does experience have
to be documented

and brought home and
saved on the shelf?

And do people really
watch this shit?

Are people's lives so
bankrupt they sit at home

looking at things
they already did?

And these guys are
so intense you know?

It's always guys

they won't let women
touch the cameras.

It's a highly
technical skill.

Look for a hole,
push on a button,

big skill and there

they all think there
Federico Fillini

you ever see

Low angles, zooms and pans

and it's the same
ugly three children

in every Goddamn shot.

All the George Lucas
magic in Hollywood

is not going to change

the unfortunate
genetic configuration

on the faces of
these children.

Keep these unfortunate
youngsters

out of public view.

Now

a lot of these

hold on a second

a lot of these
cultural crimes

I've been
complaining about

can be blamed on
the baby boomers.

Something else I'm a little
tired of hearing about,

the baby boomers.

Whiney, narcissistic,
self-indulgent people

with a simple philosophy,
Give me that it's mine.

Give me that it's mine!

These people were
given everything.

Everything was
handed to them

and they took it all.

Took it all.

Sex, drugs and
rock-n-roll

and they stayed loaded
for twenty years

and had a free ride

but now there staring
down the barrel

of middle age burn out

and they don't like it.

They don't like it so
they've turned self-righteous

and they want
to make things

hard on younger people.

They tell them to
abstain from sex.

Say no to drugs.

As for the rock-n-roll

they sold to
television commercials

a long time ago

so they could buy
pasta machines

and Stairmasters

and soybean futures.

Soybean futures.

You know something?

They're cold,
bloodless people.

It's in there slogans.

It's in there rhetoric.

No pain, no gain.

Just do it.

Life is short play hard.

Shit happens deal with it.

Get a life.

These people went from
do your own thing

to just say no.

They went from love
is all you need

to whoever winds up with
the most toys wins.

And they went from
cocaine to Rogaine.

And you know something

they're still
counting grams

only now it's fat grams.

And the worst of it is

the rest of us have to watch
these commercials on TV

for Levi's loose
fitting jeans

and fat ass Docker pants

because these degenerate
yuppies boomer cocksuckers

couldn't keep
they're hands off

the croissants
and the Hagendass

and their big fat asses
have spread all over

and they have to wear
fat ass Docker pants.

Fuck these boomers.

Fuck these yuppies

and fuck everybody

now that I think
about of it.

Well sometimes in comedy
you have to generalize.

Now there's one thing
you might have noticed

I don't complain about,

politicians.

Everybody complains
about politicians.

Everybody says they suck.

Well where do people think

these politicians
come from?

They don't fall
out of the sky.

They don't pass
through a membrane

from another reality...

They come from
American parents

and American families,

American homes,
American schools,

American churches,
American businesses

and American universities

and they're elected
by American citizens.

This is the best
we can do folks.

This is what we
have to offer.

It's what our
system produces.

Garbage in, garbage out.

If you have selfish
ignorant citizens

if you have selfish,
ignorant citizens

your going to get
selfish, ignorant leaders

and term limits ain't
going to do you any good

you're just
going to wind up

with a brand
new bunch of

selfish, ignorant
Americans.

So maybe, maybe, maybe

it's not the
politicians who suck.

Maybe something else
sucks around here

like the public.

Yeah the public sucks.

There's a nice campaign
slogan for somebody.

The public
sucks, fuck hope.

Fuck hope.

Because if it's really

just the fault of
these politicians

then where are all the other
bright people of conscience?

Where are all the bright
honest intelligent Americans

ready to step in
and save the nation

and lead the way?

We don't have people like
that in this country.

Everybody's at the mall

scratching his ass,
picking his nose,

taking his credit card
out of his Fannie pack

and buying a
pair of sneakers

with lights in them.

So I have solved this
little political dilemma

for myself in a
very simple way

on Election Day

I stay home.

I don't vote.

Fuck them.

Fuck them.

I don't vote.

Two reasons... two
reasons I don't vote.

First of all,
it's meaningless.

This country was bought
and sold and paid for

a long time ago.

The shit they shuffle
around every four years

Doesn't mean a
fucking thing.

And secondly
I don't vote

cause I believe
if you vote

you have no right
to complain.

People like to
twist that around

I know they say... they say,

Well if you don't vote you
have no right to complain.

But where's the
logic in that.

If you vote

and you elect dishonest,
incompetent people

and they get into office
and screw everything up

well you are responsible
for what they have done.

You caused the problem.

You voted them in.

You have no right
to complain.

I on the other hand,

who did not vote,

who did not vote,

who in fact,

did not even leave the
house on Election Day

am in no way responsible

for what these
people have done

and have every
right to complain

as loud as I want

about the mess you created

that I had nothing
to do with.

So I know that a little
later on this year

you're going to have another
one of those really swell

presidential elections
that you like so much.

You'll enjoy yourselves.

It will be a lot of fun.

I'm sure as soon as
the election is over

you're country will
improve immediately.

As for me I'll be
home on that day

doing essentially the
same thing as you

the only difference is

when I get finished
masturbating

I'm going to have a little
something to show for it folks.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Thank you everybody.

See ya later