George Carlin: 40 Years of Comedy (1997) - full transcript

George Carlin celebrates 40 years of comedy and here, he presents 2 new standup bits, comedian Jon Stewart gives an interview with him, and we look at his old comedy work through the last 4 decades.

Thank you very much!
Thank you!

Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen!
Welcome to "40 years of comedy: A tribute
to George Carlin"!

I want to make it clear this is not a summation
of his career, this is not a Thalberg Award,
we're not retiring his mike!

...we're merely checking in on a body of work,
that continues to grow at an astonishing pace...

There are two things that comedians of all stripes
have in common, basically! One: the belief that
someone who is not as funny as they are, is doing
better than they are...

...and two - what a cynical bunch!
And two, a sincere, loving respect for George
Carlin, and his work...

He's a member of our Holy Trinity: Lenny Bruce,
Richard Pryor, George Carlin! The rest of us
are kind of a-gazing!

It's true!

Personally, I first began listening to George
Carlin in seventh grade, we had gotten a hold
of "Class Clown", and man! It was funny...!

...and dirty, and great! And we just knew
instinctively that parents weren't gonna
like this kind of thing...

We just knew! George Carlin was a rite of passage
in the seventies, as much as smoking cigarettes...

...and looking at Playboys, and in my case,
dressing like Ace Frehely!

...and while the thrill has dissipated from those
other activities, my pleasure in listening to
George, grows every time I hear him!

And as my respect and admiration for him
as a performer and as a person!

So please, sit back and enjoy a rather condensed
version of George Carlin: 40 years in comedy!

Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen!
Good evening! My name is George Carlin and I am a
professional comedian... opposed to the kind you run into at work
all day long!

There are thousands of comedians in this country,
but basically, only two types of humour!
There's the old school and the new school!

I think we recognize them both! The old school
is largely made up of the fast-paced stand-up
comedians, the one-liner comics who came from
vaudeville and burlesque...

And they comprise the insult school of humour!
Jackie Leonard is a good example of this...

"Oh, thank you very much ladies and gentlemen!
Just like I said, all for your parking in New York
was a gun!"

There's a wonderful town! Thank you very much!
You got some lovely girls here, compared to the
last place I worked!

Somebody throw out there, they're are so lovely,
that if you want to pay them a compliment, you
have to say: "How do you do? I see your face
cleared up!"

Now, by contrast, in the new school we have
many different styles...

But the foremost amongst them
I feel is Morte Saw...

The first man to do much with political comedy
since Will Rogers...

Morte Saw: "Right" "Good?" "Right" "That's right"
"Well" "Good" "Right"

"Basically it's a dichotomy of guilt and society
we're concerned with... Right? Right! Good! Right!"

That covers the comedians that we pay to see,
there is, however, a third field...

Generally unrecognized among humorists, and
that's White House humor!

JFK, the president - resident - president!

Thank you very much!
Beloved the Attorney General...

to join he is (unintelligible)
to members of Supreme Court...

...and the rest of my family...!

Youngsters all over the country and Canada
have been asking for us to bring back...

...George Carlin! So ladies and gentlemen... is comedian, comedy star,
George Carlin!

Hey, baby! What's happening?

?Qu? pasa? Al Sleet, your hippie-dippie
weather man...!

Brought to you by "Parson's Pest Control"

Do you have termites, waterbugs
and roaches?

Well, Parson's Pest Control will get rid of
the termites and waterbugs and let you
keep the roaches!

Tonight's forecast... Dark!

Continued dark tonight...

...turning to partly light in the

And the big fight is coming up!

Ali, and Frazier. Mohammed Ali, I call him
Mohammed Ali, 'cause that's what he wants...

Oh, yeah! He's a big dude and he hits hard,
you know! I'm calling him what he wants...

What the... It's good that he's been allowed to
work again, as you know, he couldn't work
for three years...

'Cause he had a strange job, beating people up...

But that was his right! He could have that job!

Government wanted him to change jobs!
Government wanted him to kill people!

He thought it over and he said: "No, that's alright,
I draw the line!"

"I'll beat them up, but I don't wanna
kill them!"

And the Government told him: "Well, if you won't
kill them, we won't let you beat them up!"

And it was all because he didn't want to go to
Vietnam, and now we're getting out of Vietnam!

Through Laos and Cambodia!

That's gotta be the long way! You gotta go
through China and Russia to get out that way!

What are we gonna tell them?
"We'll only be here a short time!"

"Just looking for a trail!"
Well, maybe they'll go for it, I don't know!

Of course, we're only there in South East Asia,
for one reason: to free the people so they can
have industry!

It's not that what we do everywhere, I think,
we kinda free people and then lay a little
industry on them!

So they can have all the benefits of industry
that we have!

Oh, beautiful, for smoggy skies and
insecticided grain...

For stripped-mined mountains majesty
above the Ashford plain...

America! America! Man sheds his
waste on thee...

And hides the pines with billboard signs
from sea to oily sea...

I used to be this guy!
Or maybe this guy used to be me...!

I don't know, we were each other
at one time! Wasn't long ago! He...

I liked him! You know? He was really good, he
was funny, and I had a lot of fun with him,
he did some nice things for me, but it was like...

...there was nothing behind him, you know?
It was kind of...

Just superficial! Just the surface! It was all
characters! I wasn't in there! I found I wasn't
in my own act after a while...!

And here, I've been doing it for five years!
It was all characters! It was all other people
that I remembered...

...from my life, and composites of people!
People like this lady here, Congolia Brackenridge!

A marvelous contestant on a quiz show!
"Pick a door!"

Oh, let me see! Monty! Monty!
Oh! What are the doors?

"One, two and three!"
"Oh, wow! What was that again?"
"One, two and three!"

OK, three! You wha...
No! Hold on! I didn't call yet!

My trouble was I wanted a list!

I didn't think it was asking much!

Here are these words I'm not supposed to say!
Let's have a look at them!

I figured, looking for a list, I started
looking into all the categories of
dirty words...

Started to realize that there are more ways to
describe filthy words than there are filthy words!

Seemed curious to me!
Someone was awfully interested in them!

I found a lot of ways to refer to them, and...

I did, too... called them
"Bad language"!

"Dirty", "filthy", "foul"...

"Vile", "Vulgar", "Coarse"...

"Unseemly", "in poor taste", "street language",
"locker room talk", "gutter talk"...

"Barracks language", "naughty", "saucy", "bawdy"

"Rude", "lude", "lascivious", "indecent",
"prophane", "obscene", "blue", "off-colour"...

"Risqu?", "suggestive"...

"Cursing", "cussin'", "swearing..."
All I could think of was "shit, piss, fuck,
cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits", man!

There are things about the words surrounding
football and baseball which give it all away...

Football is technologic! Baseball's pastoral!

Football is played in a stadium!
Baseball is played in a park!

In football, you wear a helmet!
In baseball, you wear a cap!

Football is played on an enclosed, rectangular grid
and every one of them is the same size!

Baseball is played on an ever-widening angle... reaches to infinity, and every park is different!

Football is rigidly timed!

Baseball has no time limit!
We don't know when it's gonna end!

We may even have extra innings!

In football, you get a penalty!

In baseball, you make an error! Whoops!

The object in football is march downfield
and penetrate enemy territory, and get into
the end zone!

In baseball, the object is to go home!
I'm going home!

And in football we have the clip, the hit,
the block, the tackle, the blitz, the bomb,
the offense and the defense...

In baseball they have the sacrifice!

What I have been doing, I have been branching out
a little bit, my career has always been very
one-dimensional, just being a stand-up comic...

Been doing a couple of other things, I worked in
"Summer Stock" last summer! I was in "Death of
a Salesman", I played the suitcase...

Ah, good, good!

Yeah! I did it a little different from Rip Torn,
who played the original suitcase on Broadway!

I understand he did it more as a valisse,
and I kind of, I did as a two-suiter!

And other things like... then I got an opera,
I've written an opera! It's interesting to you,
I'm announcing it tonight! I've written an opera
about tuberculosis...

The only trouble is to... Well, trouble is
to find a thin tenor! You know?

This is serious! I'm writing a sequel
to the Bible!

It's a wonderful book, it's been around
a long time! I think it's time for another...

...I'm having trouble with the title!
I go "Bible Two", I wanna call it "Bible Two"!

"Son of Bible", you get into those things!
"The Bible Goes West", you know?

That's all your house is! It's a place to keep
your stuff while you go out and get more stuff!

Now! Sometimes you gotta move! You gotta get
a bigger house! Why? Too much stuff!

You gotta move all your stuff! And maybe put some
of your stuff in storage!

Imagine that! There's a whole industry based
on keeping an eye on your stuff!

Enough about your stuff! Let's talk
about other people's stuff!

Did you ever notice, when you go to somebody
else's house, you never quite feel one hundred
per cent at home?

You know why? No room for your stuff!

Somebody else's stuff is all over the place!
And what awful stuff it is!

Where do they get this stuff?

Then if you have to stay overnight at someone's
house, you know, unexpectedly, and they give
you a little room to sleep in
that they don't use that often...

Someone died in there eleven years ago!

And they haven't moved any of his stuff!

Or wherever they give to sleep, usually right near
the bed there's a dresser, and there's never any
room in the dresser for your stuff!

Someone else's shit is on the dresser!

Have you noticed that their stuff is shit,
and their shit is stuff?

The F.C.C., the Federal Communications Commision
decided all by itself...

...that radio and television were the only two
parts of American life not protected by the
free speech provisions of the First Ammendment
to the Constitution!

I'd like to repeat that because it sounds
vaguely important!

The F.C.C., an appointed body, not elected,
answerable only to the president, decided
on its own that... and television were the only two
parts of American life not protected by the
First Ammendment to the Constitution!
Why did they decide that?

Because they got a letter from
a minister in Mississippi!

A reverend Donald Wildman, in Mississippi,
heard something in the radio that he didn't like!

Well, reverend! Did anyone ever tell you there
are two knobs on the radio?

Of course, I'm sure the reverend isn't that
comfortable with anything that has two
knobs on it!

But hey, reverend! There are two knobs
on the radio! One of them turns the radio off...

...and the other one...
Changes the station!

Imagine that, reverend! You can actually
change the station!

It's called "Freedom of Choice", and it's one
of the principles this country was founded upon!

Look it up in the library, reverend, if you have
any of them left when you're finished burning
all the books!

It's been a little while since I've been here,
and a couple of things have happened in
that time! I'd like to talk a little bit...

...about the war in the Persian Gulf!

Big doings in the Persian Gulf! You know my
favourite part of that war? It's the first war
we ever had that was on every channel plus cable!

And the war got good ratings, too, didn't it?
Got good ratings! Well, we like war!

We like war! We're a war-like people!

We like war because we're good at it!
You know why we're good at it? 'Cause
we get a lot of practice!

This country is only two hundred years old
and already we've had ten major wars!

We average a major war every twenty years
in this country! So we're good at it!

And it's a good thing we are! We're not very good
at anything else anymore! Huh?

Can't build a decent car! Can't make a TV set
or a VCR, what the fuck!

Got no steel industry left, can't educate our
young people, can't get health care of our
old people, but we can bomb the shit out
of your country! Alright?

We can bomb the shit out of your country!

Especially if your country is full
of brown people!

Oh! We like that! Oh!
That's our hobby!

That's our new job in the world!
Bombing brown people!

Iraq, Panama, Granada, Lybia...
You've got some brown people in your country,
tell them to watch the fuck out!

Or we'll goddam bomb them!

When's the last white people you can remember
that we bombed? Can you remember the last white...
Can you remember any white people...?

...we ever bombed? The Germans! Those were the
only ones! And that's only because they were trying
to cut in on our action!

They wanted to dominate the world! Bullshit!
That's our fucking job! That's our fucking job!

Huh... I call this piece: "Advertising!"

Quality, value, style, service, selection,
convenience, economy, savings, performance...

...experience, hospitality, low rates, friendly
service, name brands, easy terms...

...affordable prices, money-back guarantee,
free installation!

Free admission, free appraisal, free alterations,
free delivery, free estimates, free home trial and
free parking!

No cash? No problem!

No kidding! No fuss, no muss, no risk,
no obligation, no red tape... hidden charges, no down payment, no entry
fee, no purchase necessary... one will call on you, no payment of interest
till December and... no parking!

Limited time only, though! So act now! Order today,
send no money, offer good while supplies last...

...two to a customer, each item sold separately,
batteries not included, mileage may vary...

...all sales are final, allow
six weeks for delivery...

...some items not available, some assembly
required, some restrictions may apply...

Shop by mail, order by phone!
Try it in your home, get one for your car!

All entries become our property, employees
not aliasable, entry fees not refundable,
local restrictions apply...

...void where prohibited, except
in Indiana!

So come on in! Come on in for
a free demonstration!

...and a free consultation with our friendly
professional staff...!

Our courteous and knowledgeable sales
representatives will help you make a selection
that's just right for you...

...and just right for your budget! And say! Don't
forget to pick up your free gift!

A classic, deluxe, custom, designer, luxury,
prestige, high-quality, premium, select,
gourmet pocket flashlight!

And if you act now, we'll include an extra,
added free complimentary bonus gift...

...a classic, deluxe, custom, designer, luxury,
prestige, high-quality, premium, select,
gourmet, leather-style wallet!

...with detachable keychain and a
pencil holder!

It's our way of saying "thank you"!
And, if you are not completely satisfied... pay nothing, simply return the unused
portion for a full refund, no questions asked...

It's our way of saying thank you!
Keep your free gift!

Actually, it's our way of saying: "Bend over
just a little further...!"

And let us stick this big dick into
your ass a little bit deeper!

You know? Whenever you're exposed to
advertising in this country... realize all over again, that America's
leading industry is still...

...the manufacture, distribution, packaging
and marketing of bullshit!

High quality bullshit! World-class designer
bullshit! To be sure!

Hospital tested, clinically proven bullshit!
But bullshit, nonetheless!

And it always amuses me that so many people
seem to think that...

...bullshit only comes from certain sources!
You know! Advertising, politicians, salesmen...

Not true! Bullshit is everywhere!
Bullshit is rampant!

Parents are full of shit! Teachers are
full of shit! Clergymen are full of shit!

...Law enforcement people are full of shit!
The entire country is completely full of shit!

In fact, this country was founded by a group
of slave owners who told us that all men
are created equal!

That is what's known as being stunningly...!

...stunningly full of shit!

And you know? I think...

And I think people show their ignorance
when they say they want politicians to be honest!

What are these people talking about?
If honesty were suddenly introduced
into politics! would throw everything off!
The whole system will collapse!

And I think deep down the American people
know that! The American people like their
bullshit out front!

...where they can get a good, strong
whiff of it!

That's why they re-elected Clinton! Listen!

Clinton may be full of shit!
But he lets you know it!

Dole tried to hide it!
"I'm an honest man!"


Bullshit! People don't believe
that shit!

Clinton said: "Hi, I'm full of shit,
and how do you like that?"

And the people said: "At least he's honest!"

At least he's honest about
being full of shit!

It's like the business world! All businessmen
are completely full of shit!

Just the worst kind of people you'd
ever wanna run into! Businessmen!

And the proof of it it,
they don't even trust each other!

They don't trust each other! When a businessman
is negotiating a deal, the first thing he does is to
automatically assume...!

...that the other guy is a complete lying prick
who's trying to fuck him on the deal!

So he has to do everything he can to fuck the other
guy a little bit harder, and a little bit faster!

And then, when it comes to dealing with
customers, that's when you get the big smile!

That's when you get the big smile!
Businessman always has a big smile
on his face!

As he carefully positions himself
directly behind the customer...

And unzips his pants...

...and services the account!

"We especialize in customer service!"

You heard that? Now you know what it means!
Whoever coined the phrase...

"Let the buyer beware!" was probably bleeding
from the asshole!

Then you have advertising!

Advertising is the businessman's
cheaply-dressed two-dollar blowjob!

Advertising sells you things you don't need
and can't afford, that are overpriced and
don't work!

And they do it by exploiting your fears
and insecurities! And if you don't have any...

...they'd be glad to give you a few, by showing
you a nice picture of a woman with big tits!

That's the essence of advertising!
Big tits! Threateningly!

Big tits! And speaking of big tits,
what about show business?

Show business, completely dishonest,
corrupt and full of shit...!

...but in a nice way! Not even
expensive drugs and perverted sex...!

...if you're gonna be full of shit,
might as well enjoy your work!

Then you have the media! Not just the news
media, let's include them all!

The media are almost literally exploding
with bullshit!

'Cause they're located right at the crossroads
of all the other bullshit!

The media are made up of equal parts:
Advertising, politics, business...

...public relations and show business.
These people are sitting right
at bullshit junction!

There's enough bullshit in the media
for Texas to open a branch office!

And you still have enough left over to start
two law firms and a Christian bookstore!


Because folks, I gotta tell you!
When it comes to bullshit...

Truly, major-league bullshit...

You have to stand back in awe... awe of the all-time heavyweight

...of false promises and exaggerated claims!

Organized religion! It's no contest!
Religion easily, easily...!

...has the best bullshit story of all time!
Think about it!

Religion has convinced people
that there's an invisible man...! in the sky, who watches
everything you do...

...every minute of every day!

...and the invisible man has a list...

...of ten specific things he doesn't
want you to do...

...and if you do any of these things
he will send you to a special place!

Of burning, and fire, and smoke, and torture,
and anguish, for you to live forever...

...and suffer and burn and scream,
until the end of time!

But he loves you!
He loves you!

He loves you and he needs money!

He always needs money!

He's all-powerful, all-present,
all-knowing and all-wise...

...just can't handle money!

Religion takes in billions and billions
of dollars...

...they pay no taxes, and somehow
they always need money!

You talk about a good
bullshit story?

If I may be permited a small pun...

Holy shit!

Now I'm gonna lighten up a little bit!

We're gonna go back to advertising...

And we're gonna go out on a little
bullshit hunt! A little bullshit hunt...!

Gonna look at some advertising lingo!

Food advertising! You know the people!

Fresh, natural, hearty, old-fashioned,
home-made goodness... in a can!

That kind of stuff!

So let's - let's take a look at some
of these words! "Old-fashioned!"

When you hear "old-fashioned" you're supposed
to think: "Oh, this goes back to the old days!"

Right! The old days! Before we had
sanitation laws!

Before hygiene became popular!

Back when bacillus were still
considered a sauce!

Old-fashioned is supposed to give you a warm
feeling! Make you think about your grandmother!

Oh, I don't know about you! But when I'm picking
out food, I don't wanna be picturing ninety pounds
of wrinkles and a black dress!

With a big, hairy mole sticking out!

And an infected lip!


Then you have home-made! Home-made!

You see this on the packages in the supermarkets!
Folks, believe me!

It is physically impossible for a food-processing
plant to produce anything home-made!

I don't care to see if they're always living
in the basement and cooking on a hot plate!

It's not gonna happen! And you shouldn't be eating
processed foods and packaged foods anyway,
they're not good for you!

You know how I stopped eating
processed foods?

I started picturing the people who
were doing the processing!

Next time you're in the bus and you see
some guy with gangrene on his hands...

...just picture him on the assembly line, putting
little pieces of chicken in a box!
That'll cure you!

Then go home and eat some fucking grapes!

Home-made! You see "home-made" in the restaurants,
too! "Home-made soup!"

I don't care how much the amphetamine-driven
waitress with the Marlboro lines in her face
remind you of your mother...

The soup is not "home-made", unless someone
is living in the kitchen...!

...and if that's the case, I wanna get a good
look at this motherfucker!

I wanna check this guy for lesions, carbuncles,
empatego, pink eye and ringworm!

And head lice!

Then you have home-style!

When the advertising imbeciles realize
"home-made" sounds too full of shit...!

...they go to "home-style"!
"Home-style flavour!" Oh!

Whose home are we talking about?
Jeffrey Dahmers?

Believe me! There's nothing "home-style" about
the boiled head of a Cambodian teenager! OK?

Even if you sprinkle parsley on the hair!

And anytime they add the word "style"... another word, someone
is pulling your prick!

"Old-style goodness!" What does that mean?

It means nothing! "New York style deli!"

Means it's not located in New York!

That's all it means, or they wouldn't have
to say it in the first place!

It's located in Calgary, and
the owner's from Hong-Kong!

And the food tastes like things
that Bangladesh has thrown away!

"Chicago style pizza" means the night manager
wants to change planes at O'Hare!

"Family style restaurant!" You know what that means?
Means there's an argument going on at every table...

Two people are crying, and the eldest male
is punching the women!

Family style!

Then you have "gourmet". It's another word the
advertising cretins have completely wiped their
asses with!

"Gourmet!" Gourmet dining in a cup!

"Gourmet cuisine in a can!"

By the way, whenever you hear "cuisine" in place
of "food", be prepared to pay an extra
eighty per cent!

"Gourmet rolls. gourmet coffee, gourmet pizza..."
These things do not exist!

You wanna know a gourmet food?
Toasted snail penises!

Candied moose balls!
Dip dish: Yak dick!


Here's another full of shit food word!
"Hearty!" "Hearty!"

Soup is hearty! Breakfast is hearty!

You know what I do when I hear the word: "hearty"?
I look at the label! Hum!

Three hundred grams of saturated fat!
"Hearty!" as in "Heart attack!"

It's the same with "buttery" and "lemony"
and "chocolatey"

"Real chocolatey goodness!" Know what that means?
No fucking chocolate!

And beware when they add the word: "flavoured"... another word: "Lemon flavoured drink"...

No fucking lemons!

As a pet food now refers to its service
as "Chicken flavoured treat!"

Look, a dog doesn't know what chicken is!
He might like it if you give it to him, but he's
not gonna say: "Oh, good! I was hoping we
had chicken again!"

And by the way! "Chicken flavoured treat?"
Right! No fucking chick!

And zesty, and tangy...

Zesty and tangy are not real words that normal
human beings use in conversation!

They're advertising words! Did ever someone
turn to you and say: "This is real zesty!"...?

"...and tangy, too!"

Now, one more food word before I completely
change the subject on you... "Natural!"

This is directed to all of you, health-food fiends,
and environmental nitwits...

...and yuppy cocksuckers who are running around... your natural fibers!

The word "natural" is completely

Everything is natural! Nature includes everything!

It's not just trees and flowers! It's everything!

A chemical company's toxic waste is
completely natural!

It's part of the nature! We're all part of nature!
Everything is natural!

Dog shit is natural!

It's just not real good food! Now...!

To change the subject on you, but we gotta stay
on the dog theme!

I wanna bring you up-to-date on my pets at home!
This something I've touched over the years, little
by little...

Talking about my dogs and cats at home!
I'd like to tell you the latest, what's going on...

The one I talked about the earliest
and most often was Tippy...

Little Tippy! Tippy was a mixed Terrier...

And Tippy commited suicide about eight or nine
years ago! Yeah! Oh, I've had a lot of dogs do that!

Haven't you? Oh, shit! I've had six
or seven dogs just run out in front of
a truck for no apparent reason!

And you can never tell there's anything bothering
them beforehand!

No sign of turmoil or trouble!

You know, they don't show up wearing
a Judas Priest T-shirt...

...with a new companion who can't make
eye contact!

I guess one day they just snap
in their little heads!

They snap, and they'll go into traffic in
front of a truck and...bump!
And we look at it and say "Well..."

That's what Tippy wanted to do!
That was Tippy's little decision!

Who are we to interfere in the plans of a dog?
So we just processed our grief, and moved along!

As so many of us had to do in the eighties!

Then we got Annie! Annie was a mixed shepherd!

Everything we had was mixed-something!
Even a lot of people in the family, when
I think of it!

And some of the livelier ones, too!
Annie was supposed to have been
a German shepherd!

According to my drug-taking friend
who gave her to me!

You know, he handed me a little puppy,
and he said "This could be a German

And I, being full of drugs at the time myself...

...I said: "Well, fuck yeah!"

"You can already see the ears!"

And of course, it never happened! I used to call
her my "Austrian shepherd", 'cause she never
quite made it to the German border!

But Annie isn't with us anymore, either...
Annie had to go away...

That's they way we say it at home!
That's the only euphemism we allow ourselves...

Annie had to go away! It happens!
Huh? Don't it? Yeah...

It's part of the deal! Part of the deal!
What happens when you get a pet?

You have them for a while, they get old...

They go away! Just like your grandma!

Same shit, different species!
What happens to grandma?

You have her for a while, she gets old...
She goes away!

It's inevitable when you buy the pet!
You're supposed to know it in the pet shop!

It's going to end badly!

You're purchasing a small tragedy!

Just look at him! Ain't he cute?

That shit is gonna die!

Unless you're in your eighties and you're buying
a tortoise!

Annie just got old, that's all! Got old!
Hips started to go! First sign of trouble
with Annie, hips!

Just like my grandma! Ain't that odd?

Two members of the same family! Different species!
Same symptoms!

Makes you think...
Maybe not!

Even the names were similar...!
Granny and Annie...!

Annie got that hip displeasure! It's a kind of
spinal degenerative disease where they can't
hold up the hind legs anymore! It's gradual!

They start trooping those legs, they start draggin'
them... Oh, it's a terrible thing to see, it's harder
if you love the dog, scrapping their legs and
everything just dragging behind...

It's no way to live, and it pisses you off,
'cause you're wound up with half a
goddam dog!

Here's a front end that is perfectly seviceable!
Shit, if she had been a Chevrolet, she could
have been rebuilt!

You come in the driveway, see her sticking out
behind a bush! Say: "Look, she's OK! Then the
rest will come out - Oh, shit!

It gets worse, and worse, and worse...
And there's nothing you can do about it!

And finally it got so bad, that Annie couldn't
get out where the trucks were!

So I had to intervene on her behalf...!
I had to get some people to come to the house...!

And essentially, whack my dog!
We put a contract out on Annie!

Oh, we whacked her when she was eating a big plate
of pasta, like they do in the gangster movies...

I knew Annie would like that!
So Annie went away...!

Just like my grandma!
Actually, it was a little bit different...

I believe we whacked my grandma
on the beauty salon...!

But as soon as Annie was gone,
we did what a lot of you folks would have done...

Oh, we got a new dog right away!
Don't you do that? Sometimes to
fill the void you do...

You got... you get a new dog right away!
We got a little guy called Moe, M.O.E. Moe!

Moe is a Maltese, first dog we ever had
that it was all one thing!

Ain't nothing inside of Moe, except other
Maltesers! He's about this big and he's
cuter than a dick! Know what I mean?

Just as cute as can be! And Moe only has one
ball, but he doesn't know that!

And he doesn't act like he's got one ball!
'Cause Moe humps Verne, and Verne is a male cat!

Do you ever have that shit going on
in your yard?

Not only is an interspecies, it's a homosexual
affair as well!

The whole neighbourhood is just praying
there be no children!

'Cause God knows where you'd send them
to school!

But he's out there first thing in the morning!
He's humping away, you know?

He's got a lot of energy for a guy with one ball!
You gotta give him a lot of credit! He's out there
humping away...

He's trying to get a little... You know?
Well, he's trying to get a lot, now that
I think of it...

...and what's he really doing is wearing
a hole in the fur on the back under that
goddam cat!

And sometimes he's got so much energy,
his feet actually leave the ground...!

And he's airborne on Verne!

He's trying to hold on the cat hair
with dog paws and keep it in at the same time!

And Verne could care less!

Verne will give you a look like this
while he's getting fucked in the ass!

Do you ever fuck somebody who's reading
a comic book? Same shit! Tough on the ego,
ain't it!

But it does happen ocassionaly in life!
So Moe humps Verne, and it looks so cute...

I mean it looks so cute! We took a picture of it,
and made a Christmas card out of it last year!

I swear on my mother's tits! Made a lovely card!
Just put one word on it! "Peace!"

And we spelled it correctly, too! P.E.A.C.E.
There be no cheap jokes on our Christmas cards!

We sent that out last year and, shit!
We lost a lot of friends on that!

So Moe humps Verne...

So Moe humps Verne, and Verne is a cat,
like I said! We've got two cats at home!
Verne and Murphy!

And we got them at the same time, some years ago
they got into our lives, the same week
or something.... When we first got them,
we had them neutered!

You know neutered? That's an euphemism
for "go and cut his nuts off!"

Well, we had it done, 'cause somebody
said it helped something!

Goddam sure didn't help these cats,
I'll tell you that!

We had it done, we had them fixed! That's another
word for it! "Fixed, shit! They wasn't even
broke, man!"

"Oh, they're broke now!"

"Altered" is another word for it! Nice people
say that, don't they? "We have them altered!"

Like a pair of pants, or something!

Yeah, take a little of the cuffs,
and cut his nuts off!

And I'll be in on Tuesday!

Well, whatever you wanna call it,
we had it done!

We brought them into the Vet's office and...
Off came the nuts!

We didn't keep them or nothing like that, you know?
Although they offer them to you! I must say that
for them! "Say, you want these...?"

"No, no! Shit! What are you, fucking crazy?"

You keep them, you find something to do with them!
Might make a nice pair of earrings for your wife
out of them!

"In fact, if my math is not incorrect, you might
get two pairs out of that lot!"

"You keep the nuts, we take the cats!
We're going home with the cats!"
Brought them home and they started growing up!

Got to be about six years of age, and right about
six, Verne... Wouldn't you know it, too! Verne!
The interesting cat!

Verne developed a condition whereby his penis
had to be removed surgically!

Not a pleasant thought!

But it happens quite a bit to these male cats
if you feed only dry cat food!

Not good! You gotta get some moist food in that diet
every day or every other day, you gotta have some
balance on the diet...!

'Cause there is something in dry cat food
that crystalizes in the urine...!

...blocks the urethra, blocks the whole passageway,
and pretty soon you're sitting in the Vet's office
and guess wbat?

Off comes the dick!

Verne will not get in the car
with me at all anymore!

He doesn't trust me at all,
'cause he doesn't know what's coming off next!

He's walking around, counting his feet
and shit like that!

Praying to God he still got something left
hanging off of them!

Such is the condition of the animals at our house!
And because of it, we have a little riddle!

Little riddle going around the family!
"What has twelve legs, two dicks and one ball?"

And it's "Murphy, Moe and Verne!"

But you got to be real close to the family
to guess it on one try!

Thank you all! Thank you all very much!
I appreciate it! Have a good time, folks!

Thank you! I'm a little out of breath!
Don't you worry about that!

Please take your time! Drink some water!
I think the image of the cat and the dog
will hold us for thirty or forty seconds here!

I haven't told a lie about my pet yet!

When you were a kid, growing up, you wanted
to be Danny Kaye and Bob Hope, so...

How do you think this thing is working
out so far?

Well, I knew I wanted stand-up,
and, you know, and be silly!

And have people say: "Ain't he cute?
Ain't he cute and clever?"

And that's what it was all, as a reward,
a psychic reward! You know? When you're
a kid and you find out that you can get
the attention of adults...

...and approval, and a little bit of respect,
and you just hunger for, you keep going
back for it...

And I have, fortunately genetic...
You know, my little toolkit, my
genetic toolkit I was given... included a mother and father who were
very funny people, could do accents and
dialects and tell funny stories about what
happened on the bus that morning!

...and have a punchline! So," you don't
lick it off the rocks", they say in Ireland...

So I thank my grandmother's milkman, actually!
You never know where these things come from!

It's interesting, you know, as I watch you now,
and throughout the years I listened to hundreds
of things...

...your fascination with language is so apparent!
Watching you work is almost
like watching a musician!

You know, the way you weave words and use language
for emphasis and all that... Was that always
a fascination for you, even as a kid?

Well, to go back with your other question,
don't forget what we do is oratory, is Rhetoric!

It's not just comedy, it's a form of rhetoric, and
with rhetoric, you look and you listen for rhythms,
you look for ways... sing at the same time your talking,
and to go...

It's just natural! My grandfather, whom
I never knew...

...was a policeman in New York at the turn of the
century, and he was an uneducated man,
self-educated, and he... the course of his adult life he wrote out
the works of Shakespeare...

by hand, because of the joy it gave him!
- That's an obsessive young man!

Yeah! And almost everything is genetic, and my
mother cared a lot about language, and my
father was a...

...champion public speaker of 1935, he won
the mahogany gabble...

...over 800 other public speakers from the
Dale-Carnegie Public Speaking Institute...

...and he was great, I never knew him either!

Were your parents...

...put off by the direction that you went into,
when you started to go counter-culture, wasn't
it difficult...?

...transition for them to watch?
- Well, he was out of the picture...

He was brilliant, and he was a top salesman
and advertising, but he couldn't metabolize

...efficiently, so he was given his hat.
My mother was very brave, she left...

...she left him, I was two months old and
my brother was five...

...five years, and she left down a fire escape,
so he was gone! She, my mother, was very, kind..

...controlling, wanted to control my life, and...

...was heartbroken wben I began with the dirty
language, and the awful stuff he says
about business, she was...

She was an advertising executive secretary!
Loved the business world!

For it was just the finest thing that ever
happened! And so when I went in that direction,
at first, very opposed!

Until one day, we lived in the same street that
I grew up... that I went to school in! I went to
school on the same block that I lived on!
Something like that...!

Corpus Christy School, and the nuns were great!
It wasn't the typical Catholic School...!

It was an experimental progressive school,
that didn't have grades...

Didn't have any sort of corporal punishment,
it was just a very, very wonderful school...

And the nuns... She would see the nuns in the
street, and they said: "Oh, we saw George on
The Tonight Show!"

And she, being a bit of an actress, she would say:
"Oh, the awful language, sister!
The awful language!

And one of them said to her: "No, you don't
understand! He's using it for other purposes!"

"He's not just doing it for that! It's kind of like
part of what he does! Don't you understand
this is..." and so forth!

So she said: "Oh, well! Oh!"
And from that day on...

...she was OK with it, because
the Church had approved it!

People who deal in content that's on
the edges you do, often times live a life...

...that's similarly on an edge, and a lot
of those people...

...go off the rails, and we lose them, and
their talent, and you've been able to...

...not do that, and been able to
pull it back in, and...

Another luck stroke, you know?
Gotta have luck in this world, part of it
is your genetic make-up, that's luck...

...and then, what you do out there is also partly
genetic, because hard work is genetic...

...the desire to do hard work, the willingness to
work hard and be determined and not be turned
aside, that's all genetic, too!

It can be altered, and a little reinforced!
But some of the people who had so much
edgy promise...

...they die young, I mean, Lenny Bruce,
Sam Kennison...

Andy Kaufman, in his way, Freddy Prince,
John Belushi, Bill Hicks...

It's just, I don't know... Of course, Bill had a
natural disorder of his own, and I think so
had Andy, but it's not always behaviour, but... that is just genetic! But...'s just that... I there's a degree of luck
and intelect involved in giving up...

...things that hurt you! The drug and alcohol
thing, it seems to me, comes down to this...

Drugs and these things are wonderful! They're
wonderful when you try them first! They're not
around for all these Millenia for no reason...!

First time, mostly pleasure,
very little pain! Maybe a hangover!

...and as you increase and keep using,
whatever it is...

...the pleasure part decreases, and the pain part,
the price you pay increases, until the balance is
completely the other way,
and it's almost all pain...

...and there's hardly any pleasure! At that
point you would hope that the intelect says:

"Oh! This doesn't work anymore!
I'm going to die", and "I'll do something!"

But you need people around you who can help you,
and you need something to live for! You have to
have something to look forward to... bring you out of it! There's a lot of people
who don't have a lot to look for, and they're sort
of stuck in...

Was there ever any fear that, by giving up
the drugs, you'd lose a bit of the genius, by
giving up the wild lifestyle, sanity being...

There has been a canard, for a long time, that...

...that most of this creativity comes from being
wacky, and I'm sure there's a lot of truth in that!

As far as just being plain old wacky! Where the
drugs are concerned, and alcohol, they do seem
to open a window for you...

...they do seem to broaden the vistas, at first!

...the thing you have to do is learn when...
You know, it's like all these great writers
who became drinkers!

You have to... Sort of...
I find it like with pot...

I'm not a big drug user anymore!
But I have always a joint somewhere
near me!

You know? Hidden! Might be hidden!

And what I do, and I hardly touch it!
Maybe once a month... That would be
frequent for me!

But when I'm writing something, and I write
perfectly straight, perfectly sober, and I write
a whole lot of stuff, six, seven, eight, nine
pages, and I'm really poured out...

The next day... One hit!
It's all I need now!

One hit and it's punch-up time!

Time to get this thing done! And you do find,
with that sort of judicious use, I find...

...there's some value in it! But most of the things
we use, don't... let... You leave them alone!

They don't! Pot does, thank it is for that!

That's excellent! What...?
Fine, do applaud if you wish...!

It's more than fair!

Why do you still care enough to keep, you're
at a point in your life where you could go back,
you could do...

...month in Vegas, and Florence Henderson
could open up and you could go and...

...hit a couple of balls, and then some pinball!
Why do you still care so much?

Well, I'm not comparing myself
to any of these people, believe me...

...but you wouldn't say to Picasso:
"When are you gonna put those brushes down...?"

"Get rid of the canvas, you'd done it!"
You know, you'd...

I'm an entertainer, first and foremost,
but there's art involved here, and an
artist has an obligation to be...

...on route, to be going somewhere,
there's a journey involved, and you
don't know where it is and that's the fun! you're always going to be seeking,
and looking, and going, and trying your
talent yourself, so...

...without sitting around thinking of that a lot,
it drives you and it keeps you...

...trying to be fresh, trying to be new,
trying to call on yourself, call on yourself
a little more, you know?

...and willing to put up with the gurgling,
promotional schedule and everything else...
- It's the only way!

...because you never had to do morning shows...

And the only way I can do this, it's to
go where the people are! They will
not come to my house!

We've offered bus rides and everything! They will
not come! I have to go to Steven's Point,
Wisconsin, or wherever it is...

...and the audiencies are great, and they
buy their tickets aheads of time, and they

...wait for you to come there, you see...
In the theatres and concert halls is
special, 'cause the audience...

...they do it beforehand, and you're
the whole evening! In Las Vegas,
you're an afterthought, you're an old so...

...while we could go gambling, we could go
hookering, we could get drunk, we could go
to the convention...

No! Let's go see this guy!

And if they like you, they do, but they're not
commited fans, so it's a different tone there...

But it still works, you can still do some things
they... That you could feel good about, you know!

Do you feel that your place in comedy...
you know, because we've been spending a lot of
time with the first one, everybody that I
have been mentioning how I'm gonna do this...

George Carlin should be, and then their
faces light up, and to a person...

"Really, Carlin? Can I meet him?
Is he around?" Do you feel that place is out in...
You know?

That is growing on me, I think...
You know, longevity is a wonderful thing...

...sometimes you get applause just for
not being dead, when you say...
It's true!

...when you say "I'm going to be sixty"
They applaud that! "Wonderful! Not dead! Sixty!"

So... But I'm...

I'm getting a sense of it... You know, when you're
in planes three days a week, I go out every Friday,
I come home every Monday! It's three different
cities, three different nights...

...Airport, hotel lobbies, and people are
wonderful! People... I love individuals,
I hate...

...groups of people! I hate people who have...
A group of people with a common purpose...

'Cause pretty soon they have little hats,
you know? And arm bands...

...and fight zones, and a list of people they're
going to visit at 3 a.m....

So, I dislike and despise groups of people,
but I love individuals...

Every person you look at, you can see
the universe in their eyes, if you're
really looking, and they're great, and... cute, relatively, I have gotten the feeling
that I'm this big family, a family life I never
had, by the way...

...this, sort of extended family, of people
who feel like you're their cousin, you know?
They say: "Georgie, in 1961, I saw you..."

"Hey, remember that?" "Yeah"
"Oh, and you know what you said?"
And I say: "Did I?" "Oh, Yeah!"

So, you know, it's just great,
and so cumulative, you say, well...

I guess I'm the family, I guess it's OK!
- You think there's a boil-down...

After ten HBO hours, after a multitude best-selling
albums, after Grammy nominations, after Emmy
nominations, after Cavaliers' Awards...

...does it all boil down to, what you would
say originally, that is about: "Hey, dig me!"?

Hey, look at me, ain't I cute!
That is all, it's just what you
would call "showing off!"

And you can get them not only
stop and listen, but say...

Isn't he cute, he's really--- you're cute!
If you can get the approv... See, in our
school we didn't have grades, so we
didn't have A's, B's, and C's and D's...

...the only A's I got, and this is a little corny,
I got their attention...

...I got their approval, their admiration,
their approbation, and their applause...
And those are the only A's I wanted, and I got them!

And so you have mine, sir!

I just want to say I can't tell you enough what
a pleasure this has been for me, to spend some
time with you, and to be a part of the show...

and thank you very much for all the wonderful...
-- It's been great to get to know you a little,
and you...

...are going to show us a lot,
and I look forward to it!
-- Thank you very much, I appreciate it!

George Carlin, ladies and gentlemen!