Gents in a Jam (1952) - full transcript
Shemp's rich Uncle Phineas comes to visit the stooges who are broke and about to evicted. The boys convince their landlady Mrs. McGruder not to toss them out as Shemp is set to inherit a fortune. The boys also have trouble with a circus strongman after Shemp accidentally rips off his wife's dress. Uncle Phineas gets in the middle of the fight, and Mrs. McGruder ends it by knocking out the strongman. It turns out that Uncle Phineas and the landlady were childhood sweethearts and he marries her, leaving the stooges out of the bucks once again.
[♪♪♪]
[BOTH SNORING]
Oh, a couple of sleeping
beauties, eh?
Come on, wake up.
Come on, you slugs, get up!
[WOLF WHISTLES]
Where are the girls?
Where'd they go?
Now look, you termites,
I was lucky to get
this decorating job
from the landlady.
She'd have tossed us out
on our skulls
if I hadn't talked her
into letting us
pay our rent this way.
Come on, get busy!
All right, all right.
Oh, we'll have your apartment
fixed up in a jiffy,
Mrs. Magruder.
I hope so.
These furnishings cost
a pretty penny, you know.
I wouldn't want anything
to happen to them.
No, we...
[CLEARS THROAT]
Now, don't worry, Mrs. Magruder.
Just relax till it's a done.
Will you be surprised.
I hope so.
Look at that rug!
Why don't you watch
what you're doing?
Clean it up!
All right, all right.
Imbeciles.
Always belting somebody.
"Clean it up,
clean it up."
I'm sorry, Moe.
I didn't mean it.
It was an accident.
Ah, shut up.
What's the matter with you?
[SPITS]
I'll take your tonsils out
one of these days.
Hey, imbecile.
Move the radio.
Oh, move it.
[LAUGHS]
Stupid it, ain't he?
Look who's talking.
Get out of here
[GRUNTS]
[CRASHING]
[RADIO PLAYING BIG BAND MUSIC]
Out of the way.
[ELECTRICITY ZAPPING]
[SCREAMS]
Mm!
[GROANING]
Get a bucket of water
and we'll drown it.
What'd he say?
Get a bucket of water
and we'll drown it!
Get a bucket of water
and we'll drown it!
All right.
Wait a minute.
See if I can get
the eighth race.
Get away from here!
Eighth race.
I had a sure winner.
Yeah, a 50-cent parlay player.
Get away.
[PIPES RUMBLING]
What's going on here?
Oh, yeah?
A wise guy, huh?
I'll fix you.
That'll kill you for awhile.
Oh, no, you ain't gonna
get me this time.
Oh, a wise guy.
Oh!
How do you like that?
Oh, yeah?
Moe, please forgive me.
It was purely accidental,
I assure you.
Hm?
[PIPES STOP RUMBLING]
What do you know?
It works.
[LAUGHS]
Yeah, it works.
Ooh! Oh! Oh!
Oh.
[RADIO BABBLING]
[WHEEZING]
Help!
Help! You got me.
[GURGLING]
Well, here we go again.
Yeah, I wish that old battleax
would have thrown us out
before we did all that work.
Shut up and finish packing.
How come you give
all the orders around here?
Because I got all the brains
around here.
Any objections?
Yeah... Objections overruled.
You finished packing?
Just these few things
right here. That's...
Wanna get it on the right side.
We need those in there.
Lock her up.
All right.
Wait a minute,
you're getting no place.
Let a guy do it that knows how.
Spread out.
Now, when I bounce it shut,
you guys snap the lock.
Right.
Right.
[BONES CRACK]
Oh! Oh, oh, oh!
Unlock it!
Unlock it!
What's the matter, Moe?
Don't ask any foolish questions.
Get the key.
The key.
Look out there, will you?
Come on, will you?
Where's the key?
In the trunk.
Come on, hurry up.
Wait a minute, somebody threw
a brick here, I think.
I got it!
I got it, Moe.
I'll get you out in a minute.
Okay. Wait a minute.
It's got me too.
Wait, grab him.
I'll get it.
Go ahead. Go ahead.
Go ahead, give it to me.
Go ahead, a little harder.
[MOE SCREAMS]
[LOUD CRASH]
[GROANING]
Get it off.
SHEMP: Alrighty, then.
Give me your hand.
I got you right there.
Go ahead. Oh, a telegram.
Thank you.
Larry, a dime, ahem.
Here you are, boy.
Up. Get up there.
The telegraph office
is four blocks that way.
Next time, ring the doorbell.
It's from my Uncle Phineas.
He's coming to visit me.
He says he can stay two weeks.
Oh, he can?
Two whole weeks.
But we're so broke
we can't even feed ourselves.
Let him go sponge
on somebody else.
Sure. Let him stay at a hotel.
He can afford it.
He's got 6 million bucks.
Sure, why should we...?
Six million bucks?
And he's your uncle?
Yes.
We can't let our Uncle Phineas
stay at a hotel.
Certainly not.
But you said...
Never mind what I said.
Our Uncle Phineas
stays right here.
But Moe, I... Haven't you got
any family loyalty?
Why shouldn't he stay here?
Well, we were thrown out
by the landlady, weren't we?
Remember?
That's right.
I wonder if Uncle Phineas would
like to sleep on a park bench.
Wait a minute.
Mrs. Magruder can't evict us
at a time like this.
We'll talk to the old battleax.
We'll explain
the situation to her.
Go on.
Oh, no.
We're scared of her.
MOE:
Scared? Of a woman?
I'll tell that biddy
a thing or two or three.
Now, where does she come off
with that frog face?
I'll tell her.
Women!
I tame 'em like k Buck
tames tigers.
Sometimes I'm kind to 'em,
sometimes I crac e whip
and make 'em jump.
Listen, when I give her
that sweet-talking stuff,
she'l obably wind up giving
me the apartment rent-free.
But Moe, you... Oh, quiet.
Charm.
That's the ticket.
Women swoon when I turn on
the old personality.
Stop waving.
Women are romantic
way down in here.
Take Mrs. Magruder.
You take her.
You got her.
You worm!
You miserable creature.
Wait a minute, Mrs. Magruder.
Look, Shemp's uncle's
coming here.
Worth 6 million bucks.
Ha! A likely story.
Phineas Bowman.
Mrs. Magruder, you want
your back rent, don't you?
Yeah, and if Uncle Phineas
stays with Shemp,
he'll probably make him
his sole heir.
Phineas Bowman.
His sole heir. Shemp.
All right, you can stay.
But if you give me one more
bit of trouble, out you go!
Oh, no, Mrs. Battleax...
What?
No, no, Mrs. Biddy.
No, they mean
Mrs. Dragon.
What?
Magruder, I think...
That is a battleax.
Yeah, I was right.
What'd you start it for?
Wait a minute...
You said deep down, deep down...
Come on, already...
You go in
and clean up that bedroom.
We want everything spic-and-span
when Uncle Phineas gets here.
Oh, why do I always
have to clean up the bedroom?
You were about to say?
We want everything spic-and-span
when Uncle Phineas get here.
Right. Then get with it.
[GRUMBLES]
Oh!
Let's see now.
A teaspoonful of vanilla.
Oh.
Oh. Vanilla.
[GROANS]
You imbecile, don't you know
how to open a bottle?
Ow!
[POPS]
[SPITS]
Now, you go on, mix another cake
while I get cleaned up.
[GROANING]
Oh. Oh.
Lucky for him that I was in
the midst of making a cake.
I'd fix him.
Upside-down cake.
Upside...
[KNOCK AT DOOR]
Oh, Uncle Phineas.
Uncle Phineas, come right in.
I was...
Wait a minute,
you're not Uncle Phineas.
No, I'm not. I'm your
new neighbor, Mrs. Duggan.
I... I just moved in
down the hall.
Oh, hello.
I was wondering if I could
borrow a cup of sugar.
Well, you know how it is
when you move.
You always forgot something.
Oh, certainly, certainly.
Follow me.
Just follow me. Come on.
Right in here.
Duggan, Duggan.
I know that name from somewhere.
Well, you must have heard
of my husband, Rocky Duggan?
The big guy? That goes around
tearing telephone books in half?
That's right. He's the strongest
man in the world.
Oh, you think that's something?
Feel this.
Oh! Oh!
Not so hard.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Oh!
Oh. Oopsie-daisy.
Oopsie-daisy.
[GASPS, SCREAMS]
Now look what you've done!
Oh, I'm sorry, lady, I'm sorry.
Oh!
Hey!
What's going on here?
Oh, it was an accident, Larry.
I'll pay for the dress.
If my husband sees me like this,
all you'll pay for
is hospital bills.
Oh, that's all right.
I got insurance.
[SIGHS]
Oh, Moe, her husband tears
telephone books in half.
And people too.
We better get her out of here.
Fine going's on.
Larry, get a robe.
All right, any time you want
to come in.
I'll see if the coast is clear.
Is he so high?
Yes.
And so wide?
Yes.
And has he got whiskers?
Yes.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
That's him.
Hi, neighbors, I'm Rocky Duggan.
[BONES CRACK]
GROANS]
Hi.
I come down here looking
for my missus.
Yes, I know. I mean,
I know all about you.
You're the strongest man
in the world.
That's right. Want me to tear
a telephone book for you?
No, thanks.
Never can tell when we need it.
To call a doctor or something.
Yeah. My missus said
she was coming down here
to borrow a cup of sugar.
I guess maybe she changed
her mind.
Yeah, yeah,
she changed her mind.
Well, uh,
I'll be seeing you, boys.
Be seeing you.
[MOANS]
If my husband found me
in here like this,
there's no telling what he'd do.
I beg your pardon,
where is apartment 304?
I'm looking for my nephew,
Mr. Shemp Howard.
Oh, 304, uh,
right this way, sir.
I... I just came from there.
Oh.
There you are, sir.
Right there.
Thank you.
[KNOCKING]
[GASPS]
Who's there?
Phineas Bowman.
Uncle Phineas!
Oh, my boy!
I'm so happy to see you.
I... Uh... Oh!
How do you do?
Meet chrome dome.
PHINEAS:
How do you do, Mr. Chrome Dome?
[KNOCKING]
Oh, that's the luggage man.
I'll get it. Oh.
You home-wreckers.
I'm gonna tear you
limb from limb.
SHEMP:
Ow!
Wait, take it easy.
Take it easy.
SHEMP:
Come on, Moe, Larry!
What is the meaning of this...?
[BONES CRACK]
Oh!
[SCREAMS]
Hey.
[WHISTLES]
Whoa!
Nephew!
SHEMP:
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whoa, whoa! Oh!
Nephew? Why...?
The bigger they are,
the harder they fall.
[LAUGHING]
Oh! Oh... Oh!
Oh, oh, oh!
Oh, oh, oh! Oh!
Oh! Oh... Oh! Oh, oh, oh!
Oh! Oh! Oh... Oh!
Oh, oh, oh!
Oh, oh, oh!
[BONES CRACK]
Oh!
[GRUNTING]
Oh, oh, oh!
[GIBBERING]
[CHOKING]
[BONES CRACK]
Oh!
Oh, oh, oh, oh!
Get... [SCREAMS]
[BONES CRACK]
Leave him alone!
Who says so?
I do.
Beat it, lady. No dame's gonna
tell me what to do.
Oh, Rocky, you dope.
This whole thing
was a silly mistake.
Mistake?
Look at the choppers.
Look at my choppers.
Where's your uncle?
In there.
Look at this!
Look at this!
My act is ruined.
How am I gonna pull that loaded
freight car with my teeth
when all my teeth are gone?
I'll pay
for some new ones, honest.
With what?
Shemp's gonna be rich.
Yeah. His uncle's in there.
He's got 6 million bucks.
And Shemp is his sole heir.
Nephew, this is wonderful.
[CHUCKLING]
Wonderful!
I want you to meet
the future Mrs. Bowman.
We were childhood sweethearts.
She's the only woman
I ever cared for.
Oh, Phineas.
[GIGGLING]
You're so sweet.
There goes our 6 million bucks.
There goes our share.
There goes our oil wells.
There goes my teeth!
[ALL SCREAM]
Rocky, don't do it!
SHEMP:
Oh!
[ALL SCREAMING]
Oh, Phineas.
All I wanted was a nice,
quiet visit.
Oh.
[♪♪♪]
[BOTH SNORING]
Oh, a couple of sleeping
beauties, eh?
Come on, wake up.
Come on, you slugs, get up!
[WOLF WHISTLES]
Where are the girls?
Where'd they go?
Now look, you termites,
I was lucky to get
this decorating job
from the landlady.
She'd have tossed us out
on our skulls
if I hadn't talked her
into letting us
pay our rent this way.
Come on, get busy!
All right, all right.
Oh, we'll have your apartment
fixed up in a jiffy,
Mrs. Magruder.
I hope so.
These furnishings cost
a pretty penny, you know.
I wouldn't want anything
to happen to them.
No, we...
[CLEARS THROAT]
Now, don't worry, Mrs. Magruder.
Just relax till it's a done.
Will you be surprised.
I hope so.
Look at that rug!
Why don't you watch
what you're doing?
Clean it up!
All right, all right.
Imbeciles.
Always belting somebody.
"Clean it up,
clean it up."
I'm sorry, Moe.
I didn't mean it.
It was an accident.
Ah, shut up.
What's the matter with you?
[SPITS]
I'll take your tonsils out
one of these days.
Hey, imbecile.
Move the radio.
Oh, move it.
[LAUGHS]
Stupid it, ain't he?
Look who's talking.
Get out of here
[GRUNTS]
[CRASHING]
[RADIO PLAYING BIG BAND MUSIC]
Out of the way.
[ELECTRICITY ZAPPING]
[SCREAMS]
Mm!
[GROANING]
Get a bucket of water
and we'll drown it.
What'd he say?
Get a bucket of water
and we'll drown it!
Get a bucket of water
and we'll drown it!
All right.
Wait a minute.
See if I can get
the eighth race.
Get away from here!
Eighth race.
I had a sure winner.
Yeah, a 50-cent parlay player.
Get away.
[PIPES RUMBLING]
What's going on here?
Oh, yeah?
A wise guy, huh?
I'll fix you.
That'll kill you for awhile.
Oh, no, you ain't gonna
get me this time.
Oh, a wise guy.
Oh!
How do you like that?
Oh, yeah?
Moe, please forgive me.
It was purely accidental,
I assure you.
Hm?
[PIPES STOP RUMBLING]
What do you know?
It works.
[LAUGHS]
Yeah, it works.
Ooh! Oh! Oh!
Oh.
[RADIO BABBLING]
[WHEEZING]
Help!
Help! You got me.
[GURGLING]
Well, here we go again.
Yeah, I wish that old battleax
would have thrown us out
before we did all that work.
Shut up and finish packing.
How come you give
all the orders around here?
Because I got all the brains
around here.
Any objections?
Yeah... Objections overruled.
You finished packing?
Just these few things
right here. That's...
Wanna get it on the right side.
We need those in there.
Lock her up.
All right.
Wait a minute,
you're getting no place.
Let a guy do it that knows how.
Spread out.
Now, when I bounce it shut,
you guys snap the lock.
Right.
Right.
[BONES CRACK]
Oh! Oh, oh, oh!
Unlock it!
Unlock it!
What's the matter, Moe?
Don't ask any foolish questions.
Get the key.
The key.
Look out there, will you?
Come on, will you?
Where's the key?
In the trunk.
Come on, hurry up.
Wait a minute, somebody threw
a brick here, I think.
I got it!
I got it, Moe.
I'll get you out in a minute.
Okay. Wait a minute.
It's got me too.
Wait, grab him.
I'll get it.
Go ahead. Go ahead.
Go ahead, give it to me.
Go ahead, a little harder.
[MOE SCREAMS]
[LOUD CRASH]
[GROANING]
Get it off.
SHEMP: Alrighty, then.
Give me your hand.
I got you right there.
Go ahead. Oh, a telegram.
Thank you.
Larry, a dime, ahem.
Here you are, boy.
Up. Get up there.
The telegraph office
is four blocks that way.
Next time, ring the doorbell.
It's from my Uncle Phineas.
He's coming to visit me.
He says he can stay two weeks.
Oh, he can?
Two whole weeks.
But we're so broke
we can't even feed ourselves.
Let him go sponge
on somebody else.
Sure. Let him stay at a hotel.
He can afford it.
He's got 6 million bucks.
Sure, why should we...?
Six million bucks?
And he's your uncle?
Yes.
We can't let our Uncle Phineas
stay at a hotel.
Certainly not.
But you said...
Never mind what I said.
Our Uncle Phineas
stays right here.
But Moe, I... Haven't you got
any family loyalty?
Why shouldn't he stay here?
Well, we were thrown out
by the landlady, weren't we?
Remember?
That's right.
I wonder if Uncle Phineas would
like to sleep on a park bench.
Wait a minute.
Mrs. Magruder can't evict us
at a time like this.
We'll talk to the old battleax.
We'll explain
the situation to her.
Go on.
Oh, no.
We're scared of her.
MOE:
Scared? Of a woman?
I'll tell that biddy
a thing or two or three.
Now, where does she come off
with that frog face?
I'll tell her.
Women!
I tame 'em like k Buck
tames tigers.
Sometimes I'm kind to 'em,
sometimes I crac e whip
and make 'em jump.
Listen, when I give her
that sweet-talking stuff,
she'l obably wind up giving
me the apartment rent-free.
But Moe, you... Oh, quiet.
Charm.
That's the ticket.
Women swoon when I turn on
the old personality.
Stop waving.
Women are romantic
way down in here.
Take Mrs. Magruder.
You take her.
You got her.
You worm!
You miserable creature.
Wait a minute, Mrs. Magruder.
Look, Shemp's uncle's
coming here.
Worth 6 million bucks.
Ha! A likely story.
Phineas Bowman.
Mrs. Magruder, you want
your back rent, don't you?
Yeah, and if Uncle Phineas
stays with Shemp,
he'll probably make him
his sole heir.
Phineas Bowman.
His sole heir. Shemp.
All right, you can stay.
But if you give me one more
bit of trouble, out you go!
Oh, no, Mrs. Battleax...
What?
No, no, Mrs. Biddy.
No, they mean
Mrs. Dragon.
What?
Magruder, I think...
That is a battleax.
Yeah, I was right.
What'd you start it for?
Wait a minute...
You said deep down, deep down...
Come on, already...
You go in
and clean up that bedroom.
We want everything spic-and-span
when Uncle Phineas gets here.
Oh, why do I always
have to clean up the bedroom?
You were about to say?
We want everything spic-and-span
when Uncle Phineas get here.
Right. Then get with it.
[GRUMBLES]
Oh!
Let's see now.
A teaspoonful of vanilla.
Oh.
Oh. Vanilla.
[GROANS]
You imbecile, don't you know
how to open a bottle?
Ow!
[POPS]
[SPITS]
Now, you go on, mix another cake
while I get cleaned up.
[GROANING]
Oh. Oh.
Lucky for him that I was in
the midst of making a cake.
I'd fix him.
Upside-down cake.
Upside...
[KNOCK AT DOOR]
Oh, Uncle Phineas.
Uncle Phineas, come right in.
I was...
Wait a minute,
you're not Uncle Phineas.
No, I'm not. I'm your
new neighbor, Mrs. Duggan.
I... I just moved in
down the hall.
Oh, hello.
I was wondering if I could
borrow a cup of sugar.
Well, you know how it is
when you move.
You always forgot something.
Oh, certainly, certainly.
Follow me.
Just follow me. Come on.
Right in here.
Duggan, Duggan.
I know that name from somewhere.
Well, you must have heard
of my husband, Rocky Duggan?
The big guy? That goes around
tearing telephone books in half?
That's right. He's the strongest
man in the world.
Oh, you think that's something?
Feel this.
Oh! Oh!
Not so hard.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Oh!
Oh. Oopsie-daisy.
Oopsie-daisy.
[GASPS, SCREAMS]
Now look what you've done!
Oh, I'm sorry, lady, I'm sorry.
Oh!
Hey!
What's going on here?
Oh, it was an accident, Larry.
I'll pay for the dress.
If my husband sees me like this,
all you'll pay for
is hospital bills.
Oh, that's all right.
I got insurance.
[SIGHS]
Oh, Moe, her husband tears
telephone books in half.
And people too.
We better get her out of here.
Fine going's on.
Larry, get a robe.
All right, any time you want
to come in.
I'll see if the coast is clear.
Is he so high?
Yes.
And so wide?
Yes.
And has he got whiskers?
Yes.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
That's him.
Hi, neighbors, I'm Rocky Duggan.
[BONES CRACK]
GROANS]
Hi.
I come down here looking
for my missus.
Yes, I know. I mean,
I know all about you.
You're the strongest man
in the world.
That's right. Want me to tear
a telephone book for you?
No, thanks.
Never can tell when we need it.
To call a doctor or something.
Yeah. My missus said
she was coming down here
to borrow a cup of sugar.
I guess maybe she changed
her mind.
Yeah, yeah,
she changed her mind.
Well, uh,
I'll be seeing you, boys.
Be seeing you.
[MOANS]
If my husband found me
in here like this,
there's no telling what he'd do.
I beg your pardon,
where is apartment 304?
I'm looking for my nephew,
Mr. Shemp Howard.
Oh, 304, uh,
right this way, sir.
I... I just came from there.
Oh.
There you are, sir.
Right there.
Thank you.
[KNOCKING]
[GASPS]
Who's there?
Phineas Bowman.
Uncle Phineas!
Oh, my boy!
I'm so happy to see you.
I... Uh... Oh!
How do you do?
Meet chrome dome.
PHINEAS:
How do you do, Mr. Chrome Dome?
[KNOCKING]
Oh, that's the luggage man.
I'll get it. Oh.
You home-wreckers.
I'm gonna tear you
limb from limb.
SHEMP:
Ow!
Wait, take it easy.
Take it easy.
SHEMP:
Come on, Moe, Larry!
What is the meaning of this...?
[BONES CRACK]
Oh!
[SCREAMS]
Hey.
[WHISTLES]
Whoa!
Nephew!
SHEMP:
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whoa, whoa! Oh!
Nephew? Why...?
The bigger they are,
the harder they fall.
[LAUGHING]
Oh! Oh... Oh!
Oh, oh, oh!
Oh, oh, oh! Oh!
Oh! Oh... Oh! Oh, oh, oh!
Oh! Oh! Oh... Oh!
Oh, oh, oh!
Oh, oh, oh!
[BONES CRACK]
Oh!
[GRUNTING]
Oh, oh, oh!
[GIBBERING]
[CHOKING]
[BONES CRACK]
Oh!
Oh, oh, oh, oh!
Get... [SCREAMS]
[BONES CRACK]
Leave him alone!
Who says so?
I do.
Beat it, lady. No dame's gonna
tell me what to do.
Oh, Rocky, you dope.
This whole thing
was a silly mistake.
Mistake?
Look at the choppers.
Look at my choppers.
Where's your uncle?
In there.
Look at this!
Look at this!
My act is ruined.
How am I gonna pull that loaded
freight car with my teeth
when all my teeth are gone?
I'll pay
for some new ones, honest.
With what?
Shemp's gonna be rich.
Yeah. His uncle's in there.
He's got 6 million bucks.
And Shemp is his sole heir.
Nephew, this is wonderful.
[CHUCKLING]
Wonderful!
I want you to meet
the future Mrs. Bowman.
We were childhood sweethearts.
She's the only woman
I ever cared for.
Oh, Phineas.
[GIGGLING]
You're so sweet.
There goes our 6 million bucks.
There goes our share.
There goes our oil wells.
There goes my teeth!
[ALL SCREAM]
Rocky, don't do it!
SHEMP:
Oh!
[ALL SCREAMING]
Oh, Phineas.
All I wanted was a nice,
quiet visit.
Oh.
[♪♪♪]