Gentlemen Don't Eat Poets (1995) - full transcript

[ Groaning ]

Ohhh.

I suppose Hugo will want
these for Herbert.

♪♪ [ Humming ] ♪

Sidney.

What a naughty boy.

Hello, Matilda.

[ Panting, moaning ]

[ Dogs barking, howling ]

[ Sighs ] Damn it. I just don't get it.

Bugger off !



[ Woman ] Hugo, did
you hear ? hmm ?

Mr. and Mrs. Fledge, remember ?
they're starting today.

Hmm.
and they're cheap.

Mr. Fledge ?
funny name.

Got references,
have they ?

What does he say
about references ?

No, they don't.

His last employer
was a farmer in Kenya.

He died very suddenly.
Trampled by an ox, he says.

A mad ox ?

Do as you please, Harriet.
It's of no concern to me.

I've got to concentrate
on my lecture.

Trampled by an ox ?
Must mean a buffalo.

Remember that planter chap
in Kigali, eh ?



The one you had a crush on.

He was gored by a buffalo.

Lost his testicles,
if I remember rightly.

Poor Ronald.

[ Hugo ] Ronald. Ah, yes, that
was Africa between the wars.

Attractive fellow.

I always find the kitchen
is the heart of the house.

Don't you, Mrs. Fledge ?

[ Hugo continues ] I
don't think Harriet ever
actually did anything with him,

though god knows
she had ample opportunity.

Nor would I have blamed her.
I was away a lot,

first in Zanzibar,
then the danakil depression,

where I found the bones
of my greatest discovery,

the phlegmosaurus.

But this new Butler was
an altogether different animal.

If only I'd realized then
what devilish schemes
this cuckoo was up to,

the door would never have been
opened to Mr. and Mrs. Fledge.

[ Harriet ] And this is
your domain, fledge.

All of the tins of Polish
and so forth...

You can find
in this cupboard here.

You must tell me if there's
anything else you need.

I will, your ladyship.

And along this passage
is the wine cellar.

[ Hugo ] George
lecky's family had
been part of crook...

Since the hundred years war.

Legend has it that my
ancestor bought his ancestor in
a brothel in Bratislava.He'd been with
me on every expedition.

Buryatskaya, Mongolia, champagne
and of course the danakil.

We shared as much
as men can share.

[ Birds squawking ]

George.
[ Clears throat ]

Can Sidney have
the parrot room ?

I suppose so.

You must get Mrs. Fledge
to do it out, though.

No one's slept there
since before the war.

[ Door opens ]

[ Harriet ] There you are,
darling. How about a Sherry ?

Good morning, sir Hugo.

You must be fledge.

I will take a glass
of Sherry, fledge.

How are the bones, daddy ?

The bones ! The bones are giving
me some difficulty this morning.

Either one of these creatures
has a huge extra claw...

Or I put the thing
together all wrong !

There again, I may
have discovered an
entire new species.

The whole thing's
a bloody Jigsaw puzzle.

What a pity they're extinct. Mmm.

[ Birds squawking ]

No, no, I'm afraid that
won't do at all, fledge.

I asked for a glass
of Sherry, not a thimble.

[ Chuckling ]

Fledge.

Would you bring
Herbert to the table ?

[ Harriet ]
No, Hugo, please.

Didn't you tell fledge
about Herbert ?

Come, fledge.

Meet Herbert.

This is Herbert.

Pick him up, man.

Don't be feeble.

[ Croaking ]

Well done, fledge.
Very good indeed.

The toad: Symbol of lust
in the Christian church, fledge.

This is where
we keep his lunch.

Bring him to the table.

Harriet, did you know
that toads are poisonous ?

The mubuti pygmies use the
poison to kill gorillas.

Fledge, I will take my coffee
in the drawing room, please.

Away from you
and your stinking toad !

Why did I ever
leave New York ?

Your mother's
in one of her moods today.

Actually, it's only
a defensive slime, the poison.

Here. Highly unpleasant
to predators, of course.

One leak is usually fatal.

You don't have to do it,
you know.

Your ladyship ?

Humor him.

You don't have
to humor him.

You don't have to pick up
that disgusting creature.

You must come to me if
he tries to make you do
things you don't want to.

I'm sure that won't
be a problem.

Yes. I daresay you can
look after yourself.

Do you think he'll do ?

Mummy certainly likes him. Mmm.

I don't trust him. I think
he's cunning, like a fox.

A fox. Oh, yes.
I like that.

I like a fox.
I like a fox too.

But I don't know if I want
one living in our house.

[ Chuckling ]

Darling, this young man,
Sidney.

What exactly are his
intentions toward you ?

Intentions ?

Haven't a clue.
Have to ask him.

Hmmm.
[ Laughing ]

What on earth ?

Ooh !
How horrid !

[ Bird squawking ]

Good morning,
Mrs. Fledge.

Good morning,
sir Hugo.

Carry on
with your work.

I just wanted to know
what dainties...

You plan to tempt US with
at luncheon today.

Pike, sir Hugo.
Splendid !

George nailed
the big bastard.

Good.
I love a pike.

Grilled ?
Yes, sir Hugo.

With onions, Mrs. Fledge ? Yes, sir Hugo.

And carrots, Mrs. Fledge ? Yes, sir Hugo.

Good. Because Cleo's young man
is arriving this morning,

and we want to create a good
impression, don't we, Mrs. Fledge ?

Yes, sir Hugo.

Good.

[ Sniffing ]

The affairs of the house
were a welcome diversion
from my one true passion.

Supreme amongst the tons
of bones I'd brought back
from my excavations...

Was phlegmosaurus,

a magnificent raptor,
who was now almost complete.

I spent most of my days
in the barn, and many a night.

The conjugal bed, having
produced my darling Cleo,

had long since
been covered in cobwebs.

And, in truth, no woman
could beguile me in the way...

That phlegmosaurus
had spun his web of mystery.

But now, at last,
after ten years of frustration,

I had penetrated
his ancient secrets...

And had been rewarded
with a revelation that would
rewrite dinosaur evolution.

The royal society
were about to witness...

A momentous event.

Well, I think
that's it, gentlemen.

The progression
is clear.

The first committed reptiles
were succeeded by dinosaurs.

But... these dinosaurs
had bodies...

Like birds.

First, we had the primitive
birds with teeth,

followed by the advanced birds with teeth,

and now we have
the modern, toothless bird.

[ Bird squawking ]

Look at him,
gentlemen !

Phlegmosaurus carbonensis.

Imagine him on some mesozoic
swamp, running down his prey.

Imagine him reaching high enough
speeds to become airborne.

Then, through
natural selection,

his wrists began to flex,
his metatarsals elongated,

and he sprouted...
Feathers !

Feathers, gentlemen.
He sprouted feathers !

And he took
to the air !

This is no cold-blooded,
slow-moving, pea-brained lizard.

This, gentlemen,

is the father...

Of the birds.

[ Laughing ]

And was your bath hot enough, Sidney ?
The plumbing can be a little erratic.

Oh, yes, lady coal. It was
as hot as I could bear it.

And I sat there so long,
I came out wrinkled like a
prune and pink as a lobster.

I don't think
you look like a lobster.

You don't ? No. I think
you look like a ferret.

A ferret. Mmm-hmm. [ Laughing ]

Oh, no, darling. Sidney doesn't
look like a ferret at all.

I think Sidney looks more
like... an... an otter.

An otter.
Yes, that's it.

An otter.
Such graceful creatures.

Who's an otter ?

Daddy, this is Sidney.
Sidney, meet daddy.

How do you do,
sir Hugo ?

Fit and well.

Thanks very much.

So, you're Sidney.

You're not really
an otter, are you ?

More an agouti.

What's an agouti,
daddy ?

A very large rodent.

With yellow teeth.

Dinner is served.

So, Sidney.

What do you do ?

I told you, daddy.
Sidney's a poet.

A poet !

[ Harriet ] Yes, dear.
Sidney had been telling US
about Rupert Brooke.

Hadn't you, Sidney ?

What's the point of it,
though ?

It doesn't further human
knowledge, as far as I can see.

Don't learn anything
from it, do you ?

Well, what do you
think of that ?

Well, I'm rather fond
of Rupert Brooke, myself.

Came to a bad end,
I understand.

Infected by a mosquito.
Dead within days.

Infected the brain.
Swelled up like a pumpkin.

How horrid !

Yes, and very painful,
apparently.

Must we talk
about this ?

There's a woman
for you, Sidney.

No spirit
of scientific inquiry.

Disease, infection,
rot, filth.

Feces ! Maggots !

All part of life's
rich weft and woof, eh ?

I give you a toast.

Mosquitoes everywhere.

Mosquitoes everywhere.

[ Thundering ]

What's the matter ?

We must stop.

Someone may come in.

Your father would probably
kill me if he saw US now.

Don't worry about daddy.

His bark is much worse
than his bite.

He'll come round,
don't worry.

I'm not so sure.

You do love me ?

Of course I do.

Morning, harbottle. Good morning,
sir Hugo. Brisk out today.

Yes, yes, yes.
Damn brisk.

- The usual, please, harbottle.
- Very good.

Seen George yet ?

- Here he comes now.
- Oh.

[ Grunting ] Morning.
Ah, good morning, yes.

Yes, a pint of the best,
please, and a...

Ginger beer.

Pigs all right,
are they, George ?

I had to put the big
sow back in her crate.

She ate the runt. Ate the runt, did she ?

Had a bit of runt trouble
myself, up at the house.

Cleo's young man.

A poet,
would you believe ?

No bloody use to Cleo at all. I
don't know what she sees in him.

She's talking
of skipping Oxford now.

How's that old dinosaur
coming, sir Hugo ?

Interesting thing, John.

He's got the foot of a bird, which
tells me that he's not a reptile.

And it also tells me that he
can run, fast. Like an ostrich.

And he's fierce too, by god.
Teeth like razors. Big jaws.

Eats well, then,
does he ?

He could have your runt
for breakfast.

Like a sausage, eh ?
Meat.

He eats meat, John.

He hunts the brontosaurs,
the big vegetarians...

That shuffle about
in herds.

[ Snorting ] One smell
of him and they panic.

He-he--

he's lurking
in the trees.

Now crossing the swamp.

He picks out
the slowest.

A young calf, maybe.

Then...er,
in for the kill !

He rips it open with this,
his killing claw.

Hey, steady on.

And he devours it
in front of his eyes,
while he's still alive.

Oh. Thank you.

Another round,
please, harbottle.

I thought old Tom
was done for then.

I got carried away.

Good job, your watching out for
me, George. Well, someone has to.

That's not the first time.
Remember Zanzibar ?

Yes. You certainly saved
my back end that day.

[ Sighing ] Cheers, George. Cheers, puss.

Oh, you're a good man,
George.

I don't know
what I'd do without you.

Oh, that's enough
of that.

Go on. You'd best
be getting off home.

Home.

My home's a barn,
George.

With a heap of bones
for company.

My daughter's in love
with a poet.

Going to start feeling sorry
for yourself, are you ?

Don't you take that tone
with me.

Oh, excuse me. Forgetting
my place again, was I ?

You're the only one
who stands up to me, George.

By god, I love you for it.

You crusty old bastard.

♪♪ [ Slow dance band music ] ♪

[ Knocking ]

Come in.

Your tray,
your ladyship.

[ Sighing ]
Thank you, fledge.

Oh, fledge, this...

Business between Hugo
and Sidney, I...

[ Sighing ]

No, fledge.
This is wrong.

[ Gasping ]
So wrong.

Fledge--

[ Hugo ] Crook house.
Ah, what memories her
crumbling walls hold.

Treachery, lechery,
debauchery...

Have all played their parts
in her long history.

So what if Harriet was
having the Butler ? it
was no more than I expected.

I was hardly serving her
in that way.

Nil desperandum,
nothing to despair.

For eight centuries
it has been the family motto,

and with good reason.

[ Knocking ]
Come !

Oh, excuse me,
sir Hugo.

Come in, come in.

Never seen a man in his
underpants, Mrs. Fledge ?

Just put them over the back
of the chair, will you ?

Mrs. Fledge, I wonder if you'd
mind fastening my collar for me ?

Mrs. Fledge.

I wanted to ask you
about your habits.

Your pastimes. I beg
your pardon, sir Hugo ?

Your social life,
that sort of thing.

Do you like a bit of fun ? Not
so's you'd notice, sir Hugo.

Laughter does not come
easily to you, Mrs. Fledge ?

We've not had much
to laugh about, fledge and I.

Is that so ?

A hard life, eh ?

Hard enough, sir Hugo.

Did you have
difficulties in Kenya ?

Of a sort.

Will that be all ?

I've still the potatoes
to see to.

What would amuse you,
then, Mrs. Fledge ?

I'm sure I can't say.

Hugo, darling,
the electrics have fused.

We really must
get this wiring seen to.

No money.
Anyway, I prefer candles.

Go. Pick that up,
will you ?

Very good.
Thank you.

[ Harriet ] Darling.
Ahem. Sidney has
something to tell you.

Don't you, Sidney ?

One feels so silly.

- You tell him, darling.
- No, you.

Come on, Sidney.
Spit it out.

- Yes, Sidney. Spit it out.
- Come on, Sidney.

Cleo and i-- I can't,
lady coal. I simply can't.

What Sidney is trying
to tell you, dear, is--

that Cleo and I
want to be married.

You do ?
[ Thundering ]

Yes, sir Hugo.

Not immediately, of course.

Can't afford to,
immediately.

But we should like, um,
that is, with your blessing,

to, uh...

Announce our engagement.

Prospects ?
I beg your pardon ?

Prospects ! What are
your prospects, Sidney ?

Darling, I hardly think we
need to go into that now.

Well, I hope to bring
out my first book of
verse in the spring.

Very lucrative,
I'm sure.

Stop being so awful. You're
deliberately being difficult.

Can we talk
about this later ?

By all means. Perhaps we'll all
be a little less vague later.

- Daddy ! - Don't you "oh,
daddy" me, young woman.

I'm serious.

Ahem.

Mrs. Fledge has made US
something special.

[ Applauding ]

What a creation. Daddy, you
have to cut the cake as well.

Oh. Hmmph !

I do, do I ?
Yes.

Well, cake for you ! Cake
for you ! And cake for you !

Marry my daughter,
indeed.

[ Thundering ]

[ Hugo ] I realized
then that under
my roof I harbored...

Not only a drunken housekeeper,

a Butler as cunning as a fox,

but also this spineless suitor
for my beloved Cleo.

What she saw in him,
I don't know.

A pretty boy,
but nothing more.

And for him she was
going to abandon her studies...

And bring this fop
into the family ?

A runt, no less ?

Yes. Old phleg would have
devoured him in a mouthful.

And good riddance !

[ Thundering ]

Damn !
Oh, bugger !

Awfully nice of you
to do this, fledge.

I'm just so hopeless
at those sort of things.

Gosh, I wish you were
going to be our Butler.

I don't know
how we'll manage.

Fledge--
mmm-hmm.

Why do you think sir Hugo
doesn't like me ?

It's because I haven't
got any money, isn't it ?

It's just his manner.

I get the feeling he'd like
me to disappear out of his
daughter's life altogether.

Fledge !

Oh, lord ! What are you doing in here ?

Mr. Sidney wanted some help
with his lamp, sir Hugo.

Yes, it's true, sir Hugo.
I asked him to help.

Shut up.

I'm all yours now,
sir Hugo.

[ Thundering ]

The dinosaur has always
been considered a member
of the class "reptilia."

This, I believe,
is an error.

Perhaps the most serious
scientific error...

Of the last 200 years.

The position is clear,
gentlemen.

These dinosaurs
had bodies like birds.

First, we had the
primitive bird, with teeth,

then we had the advanced bird,
with teeth,

and now we have the modern
toothless bird...

Phlegmosaurus carbonensis.

This, gentlemen,
is the father...

Of the birds.

Very interesting, sir Hugo.
Most provocative.

You're wasting your breath, Hugo.
I don't know why you bother.

You can't go around telling
people that dinosaurs were birds.

They've been reptiles
since Darwin was a boy.

That was when you were a lad.
Before my time, I'm afraid.

Seriously, old boy.

You can't expect US to believe
that creatures like this...

Were capable of
running down its prey.

Good lord.
It was a scavenger.

It ate carrion. It slunk about
waiting for something to die.

Takes one to know one,
what ? Oh, nonsense.

A distant relative of the
Turkey vulture, no doubt.

Don't panic, cleghorn.

Once you look at the thing
soberly, you'll get the point.

Very droll, Hugo.

But you think
about this:

What happens
to a misshelved book ?

A misshelved book ?

- What new nonsense is this ?
- It ceases to exist.

You shake up the order,
you shake up the world.

You're a dangerous man,
Hugo.

You're a radical.

[ Laughing ]

[ Squawking ]

Pheasant,

woodcock,

teal duck,

pigeon,
your ladyship.

I had no idea
we'd killed so many.

Only for a moment.

I'll faint.

[ Sir Hugo ]
Ah, yes. That's the spot.

Harder, fledge.

Put some muscle
into it, man.

That's better.

Now, about
young giblet, fledge.

I would like you to take
less interest in the boy.

I was only doing what
I was asked, sir Hugo.

Well, that's as may be, but I
don't want you encouraging him.

I don't want him here.

What's so funny
about that ?

Funny ? Come on, man. Out
with it. What do you know ?

I hardly think it's
worth mentioning, sir.

Never mind that.
Tell me.

I have the impression that Mr.
Sidney might prefer gentlemen.

Whiskey, fledge.

A large one.
In my room.

Here I am, fledge.

What did you want
to see me about ?

You've got a nerve.
Really ?

Why ?

Because of what I saw.

And what was that ?

You and her ladyship.

In the game room.

[ Screaming ]

Oh, excuse me, miss.

No, wait, fledge.

He didn't say anything
to you, did he ?

Mr. Sidney did not
confide in me, miss.

My bike is gone. All I can think is that
he went into the village for something.

Well, don't you have
any ideas at all ?

I'm afraid not, miss.

You can't think
of anything ?

What's going on, fledge ?

What's your game ?

If you'll excuse me, miss,
I have my duties.

You're up to no good.

I can smell it.

I think you know
something about Sidney.

If he comes
to any harm,

you'll pay for it,
Mr. Fledge !

I like it here.

We'll stay,
won't we ?

Yes.

We'll be staying.

[ Bell ringing ]

So you see, inspector,
we have no idea why...

He would take off like that,
without a word.

His mother has heard
nothing from him.

And no reason to suspect
anything... untoward ?

No, nothing. He'd just
proposed to our daughter.

Cold feet, perhaps.

Do not fret,
lady coal.

I will start
my investigations at once.

Thank you. Oh, and inspector.
Let's keep it discreet, hmm ?

Of course, lady coal.

[ Clearing throat ]
Good day, madam.

[ Bird squawking ]

Sidney, where are you ?

Fledge,
see this ?

It's Sidney's.

Know where I found it ?

I've no idea, miss.

In your den.

Mr. Sidney visited the Butler's
pantry more than once, miss Cleo.

Oh ? Why ?

Well, on one occasion,
he wished me to light his lamp.

Oh, and he just so happened to
drop his lighter, I suppose ?

I suppose so, miss Cleo.

And the other times ?
Miss ?

The other times he visited
you in your den ?

What did he want ?

Company.

Company !

He had quite enough
company in me.

As you say, miss Cleo.

Ahem.

Fledge.
You gave me a start.

What are you creeping
about for, man ?

Sir Hugo-- you haven't seen
a metatarsal fragment ?

Small ? Claw-like ?
Claw-like ?

No, I don't believe I have,
sir Hugo. Mislaid it somewhere.

Got to find it.
Bloody essential.

My life's work depends on the thing.
Everything hinges on the claw.

Indeed, sir Hugo. Yes, that's
how he cuts down his prey !

Ha, ha ! Like that ! Quite.

Sir Hugo-- got to find the bloody thing.

Sir Hugo--
yes, yes ?

What is it ? There's an inspector limp.

He's in the house. He wants to
talk to you. Oh, bugger the man.

[ Door opening ]
Ah. Good morning, sir Hugo.

Happy Christmas.

What do you want,
limp ?

I've got better things to do
than stand around exchanging
compliments of the season.

Well, I do apologize for
interrupting you this morning,

of all mornings, when you would
wish to be in the bosom of your--

never mind your bosoms, limp !
What do you want ?

The law never sleeps,
sir Hugo.

May I ask you to come down
to the station with me...

On a matter of routine
identification ?

[ Limp ]
If you please.

This bicycle was dug up on
ceck marsh early this morning.

The handlebars were found
poking up through the earth.

Sir Hugo, is this the bicycle
that Sidney giblet was riding...

On the day that
he disappeared ?

Yes, it is.

George.

George, you haven't come across
old phleg's claw, have you ?

I'm in a bloody panic about the
thing. I can't find it anywhere.

No. I'd remember. Where
the devil have I left it ?

They found Cleo's bike,
you know.

It was out on the marsh.
Nasty business.

You don't know
the half of it.

What do you mean ? What
half of it don't I know ?

We don't--
I mean--

we haven't heard the last
of it, that's what I mean.

If I'd known the trouble
that boy was going to cause,

I'd never have
let him in the house.

Big one, eh ?

Yeah, her tits packed up. She'll
only be good for pork pies now.

Huh !

Telephone, sir Hugo.

Who is it ? It's Mrs. Giblet.
She's at the fox and pheasant.

Oh, no !

Darling, why do you hate
her so much ? Hello ?

You've never met her, mummy.
She's a monster.

One moment.

Well ? she's come to
help the police look for Sidney.

With her companion,
a miss freebody.

[ Bell ringing ]

We shall go over every inch
of that marsh, lavinia.

Oh, that poor boy.
How he must have suffered.

How, in his last agonies, he
must have craved the warmth
of his mother's tender bosom.

How--
that's enough of that.

Now, who's this ?

Mrs. Giblet ?

I am she.

My name is fledge.
I'm the Butler at crook.

Are you, indeed ?
You'd better sit down, then.

Leave US, freebody.

I sense sir Hugo formed an intense
antagonism toward my son...

And wished to prevent him
marrying Cleo.

Devoutly wished it,
Mrs. Giblet.

Mr. Sidney mentioned it
on more than one occasion.

He could not understand how he had
aroused such strong feelings in sir Hugo.

Tell me,

does sir Hugo strike you
as being capable of violence ?

I cannot say. My employer
is a man of quick temper.

He drinks heavily
and is easily angered.

He reacts poorly
to frustration of any kind.

You're a good man,
fledge.

And you respect the truth.

Perhaps you'll be
my eyes and ears in crook.

I do apologize
for the cold and the dark.

The pipes burst and fused
all the electrical appliances.

So infuriating.

Sit down, freebody. You're
making everybody uncomfortable.

- Oh !

[ Mrs. Giblet ]
I met the man limp.

Sir Hugo, I'm surprised you place
any confidence in him at all.

With all the progress he's making,
we'll be lucky to see Sidney in a box.

- Please !
- I'm sorry, my dear.

But I've never allowed
myself to be seduced...

By the blandishments
of illusion and false hope.

I must say, lady babblehump.
I was wondering if my
wardrobe might not be...

A trifle dressy
outside London.

But I see from your example
I need not have worried.

One cannot be overdressed
in the country, Mrs. Giblet.

Temperatures
do not permit it !

[ Laughing ]

[ Man ] Wonderful ham,
Hugo. Your man lecky's ?

Mmm.

I must say, Fred, I'm finding
it rather strong meat myself.

Nonsense. George always
gives US a good strong ham.

It's all a matter of swill,
he tells me.

Rather too rich for me,
sir Hugo. Really ?

Best pork
in the county.

I should call it gamy.

I should call it
"swill power" !

[ Laughing ]

[ Man ]
Good one, Connie.

[ Laughing continues ]

Swill power.

[ Laughing continues ]

And, fledge, my compliments to
Mrs. Fledge. A superb dinner.

Hear, hear.

Lady coal, an old woman
thanks you for hospitality...

Consistent with the best traditions
of the American republic.

[ Man ]
Well said, madam.

- Quite so.
- American indeed.

How can you ? How can you all
sit here and stuff yourselves ?

When Sidney's out there ?
in pain ?

Now, darling. Don't try
and shut me up, mummy.

You all sit here
as if nothing had happened.

When all the time, the most
appalling things are happening.

You have no conception of the
evil that exists out there.

You think the worst thing
in the world is a burst pipe...

Or a gamy ham.

And you don't see it.

You make yourselves
blind to it.

Because it's just
too much trouble.

But it's there,
all right.

It's there.

And you'll find it,
Mrs. Giblet.

[ Moaning ]

[ Screaming ]

My poor girl.
What is it ?

Daddy.

It's horrible.

How ghastly.
What, darling ?

He came to see me. Who
came to see you, darling ?

Sidney did.
Sidney ?

But that's impossible.

You mean Sidney's here, in
this house ? No, he's not here.

You won't see him.
He's dead.

Now, now, darling.
We don't know that.

It's just a bad dream.
It's not a dream !

I always wake up.

His throat is torn open. He has
this horrible gash under his chin.

Someone cut his throat.

And he's trying
to tell me something.

What ?

He's trying
to say a name.

I'm sure.

It's fledge.

Oh. My god.
A bone !

[ Fledge ]
Bad news, sir Hugo.

Well, tell me, man.

It appears that Mrs. Giblet
has been successful.

Successful ?

Young Mr. Sidney's body
has been found.

Oh, my god.

His condition is,
apparently, remarkable.

Well, go on, go on,
go on.

He's been reduced to bones.
Butchered and gnawed.

Butchered and what, fledge ?

- Butchered by men.
- Yes ?

And gnawed by pigs.

How do they know that ?

Well, according to the police, many a
murdered body ends up being fed to pigs.

They'll eat anything, you see.
So their forensic men are well
acquainted with pig's teeth.

And yours are the only pigs
in the district, sir Hugo.

Good god, man. Who the devil do you
think you are, to talk to me like this ?

Whoever fed young giblet to the pigs
must have buried his bones in the marsh.

And suspicion will undoubtedly
fall on this house.

I may as well tell you this now, fledge.

I want you to pack your bags and get out !

Then there's the bone.
The missing bone.

The one you've been looking for, sir Hugo.

You have it ! It too was
found in remarkable condition.

Thick with
dried blood.

It would, of course, be
covered in your fingerprints.

It's in a safe place.

Not to worry, sir Hugo.

George lecky ?

No.

You are-- ?

John lecky.

Afternoon, Hubert.

Little John.

Where is George lecky ?

Right. Well, we're going
to search this farm.
We have a warrant.

In you go.

Stop ! I order
you to stop !

Stop ! I order you
to stop !

Stop ! Stop ! in the name of
the police ! stop the lorry !

Into the cars !
Get after him !

He can't get far !

[ Police bells ringing ]

Let him run. I want 50 men
out here in the morning.

[ Coughing ]

[ Coughing ]

Good god, man.

Come down !

Talk to me, George !
Tell me what happened !

It was our little fool, John.
It was all of his making. Go on.

He was out on the marsh
one night, looking for rabbit.

He spotted someone
digging a hole.

So little Johnny hides
in the old mill, but he slips.

And the fella,
he takes off in a fright.

Could he tell who
was digging the hole ?

No. It was too far away.

Anyway, little John's curious.

So he goes to look
in the sack that's being buried.

Before the fella can come back
and finish the job,

he drags it off
back to the farm.

Good god, man. What on earth
did he think he was doing ?

That you, John ?

[ Sighing ]

Why didn't you tell me
any of this before ?

Why did you run away ? I panicked.

I didn't want to get John into trouble.
He's a bit simple, but he's not wicked.

So what happens next ?

I just had to finish the job,
that's all there was to it.

It was John that buried the
bones after the pigs had done.

He didn't make much
of a job of it.

I should have done it
myself. Oh, Christ.

[ Sighing ] Christ. What's
going to happen to me now ?

You must give
yourself up.

If I give myself up,

I'll get
done for murder.

You know that.
Yes.

But you didn't
murder him.

But who did ?

Fledge.

Oh, fledge.

You've brought me
back to life.

[ Birds squawking,
flapping wings ]

[ Squawking ]

[ Speaking in malay ]

George.

George.

If it was fledge
that killed young giblet,

why don't you
tell the police ?

No evidence.

"How did he do it ?" they'll
ask me. "Why did he do it ?"

I'll have to tell them
I don't know.

It was you that hated
that boy. Not fledge.

Now, now, George.

Let's stay calm.

We'll get you
out of this mess.

You should
never have run.

Remember what you said
to me in Zanzibar ?

Yeah, but we aren't in
Zanzibar. Things have changed.

Boys were two a penny
in those days.

Ah, good morning.

We have reason to believe George lecky
is hiding on the property, sir Hugo.

We have a warrant, but I'm sure it
will not be necessary. Will it ?

You're making
a big mistake, limp.

He's innocent.

You'll be hearing
from my solicitor !

Sir Edward Tome !

[ Men's voices, shouting ]

They've got him.

[ Cursing in malay ]

[ Shouting in malay continues ]
My god.

He thinks it was me
who called the police.

[ Grunting ]
You bastards !

Ah, Mrs. Fledge. I'm going to
have to ask a favor of you.

Mrs. Giblet is coming down
to see me and... well,
fledge isn't here.

I was wondering if you
could stand in for him.

Don't see why not.

Right.
[ Sighing ]

Cleo--

I do wish you wouldn't drink
in the morning, Mrs. Fledge.

It's so bad for you.

Rumpty tumpty, eh,
your ladyship ?

Mrs. Giblet.

Disturbing news,
lady coal.

George lecky has denied
that he murdered my son.

Of course George
didn't kill Sidney.

He simply doesn't have that sort
of violence in him. I agree.

But this business has aroused strong
emotion in the popular breast.

He will not be believed.

He must tell the truth.

Surely that's enough.
This is england, after all.

[ Laughing ] Dear lady
coal, your faith is touching.

But you see, it will be assumed that a
man who would stumble upon a dead body...

And feed it to his pigs
is a man who could kill.

We tend to lose the fine distinctions
when it comes to such things.

Did George say
who killed him ?

According to limp,
yes, he does.

And that is what I came
to crook to talk to you about.

Like you, I don't believe
George lecky killed my son.

But if he swings--
Mrs. Giblet, please.

If he is found guilty, then
Sidney's murderer will go free.

Let me ask you frankly:

Who do you think
killed my son ?

Mrs. Giblet, if I knew-- has it ever
occurred to you, lady coal,

that your husband
was in any way involved ?

Hugo ?

Rubbish !

Rubbish,
you foul old hag.

You come sneaking in here
like a smug little stoat...

And accuse my father.

How dare you !
what gives you the right ?

Get out of my house, do you hear
? Get out with your foul lies !

My dear girl, this is what
George lecky has told the police.

You sat on Sidney
all his life.

It's a wonder there was anything left
of him at all after growing up with you.

Sidney was a weak boy.
He needed a firm hand.

A firm hand ! You call what
you did to him "a firm hand" ?

Perhaps a firm hand would have
done you some good, young lady.

Oh, you bloody
old witch !

Cleo ! You
apologize, Cleo !

Ap--
you're hurting me, mother.

Cleo, apologize.

I'm sorry,
Mrs. Giblet.

Freebody, we're leaving.

Good day.
Good day.

That was dreadful.

That was outrageous. I-I've never
been so embarrassed in all my life.

Whatever came
over you, Cleo ?

Daddy didn't kill Sidney.
I know who killed Sidney.

Darling, you--
it was fledge !

What the hell
are you doing ?

[ Bell ringing ]

The bloody impertinence
of the man.

Treating me as if I were
a common criminal.

I shall have a word
with the chief constable.

What the devil do you think
you're playing at, fledge ?

Now, darling. I gave him
my permission to do this.

In fact, I suggested it.

Are you out
of your mind ?

Fledge, go and change
at once !

You stay where you are.
Hugo, this is the 20th century.

And I think the idea of uniformed
servants is no longer appropriate.

It may not be
appropriate for you,

but I'm damned if i'm
going to be waited on...

By a Butler pretending
to be a gentleman.

Fledge, would you wait outside
while we, uh, discuss this ?

It's quite simple, Hugo.

I pay the servants,
just like I pay all the bills.

So I decide
what they wear.

I won't stand
for it, Harriet.

I warn you.

What do you
intend to do about it ?

♪♪ [ Distant swing music ]

[ Harriet laughing ]

You're a very bad Butler,
aren't you ?

[ Laughing continues ]

[ Grunting, laughing ]

[ Grunting, shouting ]

Members of the jury,

the prosecution will
attempt to persuade you
that George lecky...

Is a cold-blooded killer.

But he is no monster.

He is a simple,
decent man of the soil.

A man who served
his country with honor.

But a man who, yes,
did make a foolish blunder...

By failing
to report the finding...

Of Sidney giblet's body.

But a foolish blunder,
members of the jury,

is by no means the same
thing as willful murder.

Mr. Lecky, having fed
the remains...

Of Sidney giblet
to your pigs,

what happened to them ?

When they were fat,
we slaughtered them.

And then ?
and then we butchered them.

When you say "we" ?

Little John and me.

Little John ?

My brother.
John lecky.

I see.

And did John lecky know...

About your feeding Sidney
giblet's body to the pigs ?

No.

So,

having slaughtered
and butchered...

The pigs that ate
Sidney giblet,

what did you do
with the meat, Mr. Lecky ?

We sent it over to the house.
Like we've always done.

To sir Hugo.
He takes all our meat.

[ Voices muttering,
indistinct ]

[ Judge ]
Order !

Order !

Mrs. Fledge ?

We ate Sidney.

[ Man ] Wonderful ham,
Hugo. Your man lecky's ?

[ Woman laughing ]

A nice pork chop today,
sir Hugo.

Get out. Get out
of my sight, fledge.

That's all.

The young man from the
village came this morning.

He wished to know if you
required a new pig man.

So I hired him.

You... what ?

I hired him.

Your man lecky's hardly
coming back now, is he ?

How dare you ?
You--

[ grunting ]

[ Grunting ]

Pretending to be
a gentleman, am I ?

Daddy !

Daddy ?

Aaah !

[ Screaming ]

Straightforward aneurism,
gentlemen,

with massive damage to the physical
and intellectual faculties.

He can still chew,

and swallow, like a cow,
but that's all.

He lacks... mental presence.

He is, ontologically
speaking, dead.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

This man is a vegetable.

Right. Next.

Come along,
sir Hugo.

[ Sir Hugo's inner voice
] Then, surely, it is my
fate to be a grotesque.

For, a man who turns
into a vegetable,

isn't that a grotesque ?

I'm surprised
at Harriet's reaction.

I did not believe
she felt anything for me.

But there is a modicum
of compassion...

Overwhelmed with a greater
feeling of indifference.

But she has more exciting
passions in her life now.

It's Cleo
I'm worried about.

She's now so vulnerable.

I blame myself, of course.

I should have realized
the moment he came
into the house...

That we were harboring
a lethal parasite.

What's an aneurism ?

It's a blood clot on the
brain. He's had a stroke.

But I'm sure I've read
people can recover from it.

Oh, really ?

We can take him home,
can't we ?

He'll be much happier there.

Cleo,

professor dendrite said
that he was a cabbage.

Cabbages
have no feelings.

Well, I'm not so sure.

[ Birds squawking ]

Do you think
he's warm enough ?

Dad, are you
warm enough ?

[ Sighing ]
Darling,

must you do this ?

He understands nothing. Remember
what dendrite said ? He can't hear.

I know what
he's thinking.

I can tell
by his eyes.

Fledge.

[ Man ] Do you find
the defendant George
kitchener lecky...

Guilty or not guilty
of willful murder ?

- Guilty. - [ Murmuring
voices, indistinct ]

I'm not bloody guilty,
I tell you.

You hang me,
you hang the wrong man.

Look, this isn't justice, it's
a cock-up ! Can't you see that ?

It's a cock-up,
Christ almighty !

He's done for,
sir Hugo.

We've lost him.

[ Groaning ]

[ Heavy door opening ]

You're my only hope now.

You've got to save me.

It was little John found
the body. Little John.

He saw who it was digging the
hole in the marsh that night.

It was sir Hugo.

Mr. Lecky !

Mr. Lecky ?

Mr. Lecky !

This little piggy
went to market.

This little piggy
stayed at home.

This little piggy
had the roast beef.

This poor little piggy
had none.

But this little piggy...

Went squeak, squeak,
squeak, squeak, squeak...

I can't find my way home.

They're like a pair
of old cheddars, sir Hugo.

They want him, do they ? She's back.

Be all right,
won't it ?

Nothing to worry about.

John, would you tell lady
Cole what you told me...

About that night
on the marsh ?

Well, I was out
on the marsh...

Lookin' at me snares.

But then I see someone
digging a hole.

So I creep up on him.

But my foot slips
and he hears me, and he's off.

So I have a look
in his bag,

and it's a dead body.

Oh, good heavens.

It's not a local man,
your ladyship, don't you worry.

So I says to myself...

He'll do nicely
for the pigs.

That was my son you found
in the sack, John.

But never mind that
for now.

What we want to know is: Who was
out there digging that hole ?

It were a dark night, Mrs.
giblet. It's hard to say.

Could it have been
sir Hugo ?

He had the use
of his legs back then.

It might have been.

No, John. Not Hugo.
Fledge.

Look at him. He killed Sidney.

It was him.

Well, John ?
Was it me ?

I-I-It might have been.

Oh, you donkey.

I believe
you murdered my son.

You took his body out
of the marsh with the
intention of disposing of it.

- Daddy says, "bugger off
!" - You were interrupted
in the course of your work.

Daddy says he didn't do it,
so bugger off back to London
and take your stick insect !

[ Sighing ]

What I don't understand,
Mrs. Giblet, is why.

Why Hugo would want
to kill Sidney.

Because it's in his nature.

He's a predatory creature,
just like his damned dinosaur.

No, Mrs. Giblet.
I'm afraid that won't do.

That it won't do
at all.

You're going to have to do a
great deal better than that.

[ Laughing ]

[ Laughter continues ]

[ Sir Hugo's inner voice ]
Look at him, the monster.
Look at him. Watching me.

What does he see ?

He sees, I think, himself.

He sees me as a mirror
of his inner self.

And it fascinates him
to look...

At this twisted and misshapen
model of his own soul.

He is the usurper,

the murderer,
the serpent in our Eden.

So it's not I, after all,
who am the grotesque.

But fledge.

[ Grunting ]

Daddy.

[ Grunting ]

Don't you worry, daddy.

I'll fix him.

[ Grunting ]

[ Sir Hugo ] George was
hanged just before easter.

He found peace, I hope.

God knows, he'd had little
enough since the day he
was arrested in my barn.

Poor fellow.

Fledge.

One-tenth of a gram
will kill a coyote.

So times that
by ten for man,

and double it
for good measure.

Death should occur
within a few minutes.

Oh, yes !

♪♪ [ Dance band music playing ]

[ Gasping ]

♪ This was never meant to be ♪

♪ all the signs were there
to see ♪

♪ from the first moment
that we met ♪

♪ I knew ♪

♪ this was never meant to be ♪

♪ This was always
doomed to fail ♪

♪ from the moment
we set sail ♪

♪ all our instincts told US ♪

♪ oh, we're wrong
this was never meant to be ♪

♪ How soon we were
enraptured in love's dance ♪

♪ when the dance ended
I found ♪

♪ I couldn't live
without you ♪

♪ but now, out of my dreams
of sad embers ♪

♪ here in the cold of December ♪

♪ and now you're in the arms
of someone else ♪

♪ I always knew that this
was never meant to last ♪

♪ we drank our cup of love
too fast ♪

♪ from the first moment
that we met ♪

♪ I knew now miss ♪

♪ from our first kiss ♪

♪ I tell you this ♪

♪ was never meant to be ♪♪

More tea, sir Hugo ?

Yes, fledge.
Thank you.