Gentlemen Broncos (2009) - full transcript
Benjamin, home-schooled by his eccentric mother, is a loner whose passion for writing leads him on an journey as his story first gets ripped off by the legendary fantasy novelist, Ronald Chevalier, and then is adapted into a disastrous movie by the small town's most prolific homespun filmmaker.
(IN THE YEAR 2525 PLAYING)
MAN: (SINGING) In the year 3535
Ain't gonna need
to tell the truth, tell no lies
Everything you think, do and say
Is in the pill you took today
In the year 4545
Ain't gonna need your teeth,
won't need your eyes
You won't find a thing to chew
Nobody's gonna look at you
In the year 5555
Your arms are hanging
limp at your sides
Your legs got nothing to do
Some machine's doing that for you
In the year 6565
Ain't gonna need no husband,
won't need no wife
You'll pick your son,
pick your daughter, too
From the bottom
of a long glass tube, whoa-oh
In the year 7510
If God's a-coming
He ought to make it by then
Maybe he'll look around himself and say
Guess it's time for the Judgment Day
In the year 8510
God is gonna shake his mighty head
He'll either say,
"I'm pleased where man has been"
Or tear it down and start again, whoa-oh
In the year 9595
I'm kind of wondering
if man is gonna be alive
He's taken everything
this old Earth can give
And he ain't put back nothing, whoa-oh
Now it's been 10,000 years
Man has cried a billion tears
For what he never knew
Now man's reign is through
JUDITH: Benjamin.
What are you doing? We're going to be late.
- JUDITH: Are you excited?
- Yeah.
And guess what?
I heated up the hot water bottle
so you can sit on it while we drive.
MAN: (SINGING) In the year 2525
If man is still alive
If woman can survive
they may find
(TIRES SCREECH)
Benjy, I'm so glad you signed up for this.
I think this is gonna be
a really neat opportunity for you.
- Hey. You Benjamin?
- Yeah.
I'm Mr. Keefe,
the homeschool co-op advisor this year,
but you can call me Todd,
or some people just like to call me Keefe.
I think you're really gonna enjoy
the Cletus Festival this year.
It's the best writers' camp in the state.
Keefe, can you tell me how much money
he's gonna need for two days?
You think 4 bucks would be enough?
- Uh... I'd say more like 40, maybe?
- JUDITH: Really?
Well, we better hit the road.
Got a big day tomorrow.
Be safe.
(BUS ENGINE STARTING)
Hey, Benjy.
Remember who you are
and what you stand for.
JUDITH: I love you forever and ever.
Good morning, homeschoolers.
Is everybody excited
for Cletus Fest or what?
Yeah.
We will be stopping for lunch
at the Kozy Cafe in Echo.
Some of you can afford to eat there,
but those who can't will just eat
the food they brought from home.
Are there any questions?
TABATHA: Whether you like it or not,
when you get overseas,
- especially to Europe, I think...
- KEEFE: Right.
- It's different.
- It's totally different.
And you're completely infused
with another energy,
whether you open yourself up to it or not.
- So, I found it really, really inspiring.
- Hey, Benjamin.
Come here, I want you to meet someone.
Benjamin,
I'd like you to meet Tabatha Jenkins.
She's new to the co-op as well. Kind of.
(TABATHA CHUCKLES)
She spent all last year as
a foreign exchange student out in Europe.
Cool. Where did you go?
Brussels.
Benjamin is from Saltair,
and he likes to write sci-fi stories.
Keefe is so dang awesome.
Yeah, he seems pretty cool.
I write French mysteries, you know.
How long you been doing that?
Mainly the last six months.
I write about a stable hand named Pierre.
Can I borrow some money
to buy some tampons?
All my cash is still in euros and I haven't
had time to change it over yet.
What? Yeah, sure.
Thanks. I owe you big time.
Don't worry about it.
(BUS ENGINE STARTING)
Sorry, they didn't have any, so I just
bought some treats for me and Lonnie.
TABATHA: Hey, can we come sit by you?
Hey, Lonnie, bring our stuff.
Let's sit over here.
Benjamin, this is Lonnie Donaho.
- Hi.
- Hi. Nice to meet you.
He has his own video production company,
Donaho Studios.
Since I've been away,
he's been shooting my work on weekends.
I sent him my latest installments via e-mail.
It's been an amazing experience.
How many films have you made?
Mmm. Eighty-three.
But some are just trailers.
Dang. That's a lot.
Do you produce only Tabatha's work?
No. I do all kind of movies.
Horse movies, romance, soaps, fantasies...
Hey, Lonnie, can you squirt me
some of that lotion we just bought?
Will you give me a hand massage?
Yeah.
Yeah, I can do that.
(MOANING)
(CONTINUES MOANING)
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
(SNORING)
You guys are so lucky
you get to be roommates.
Mine just wants to eat.
Hey. I don't think you're allowed to be here.
Mr. Keefe is right next door.
Relax, Benjamin,
I just want to get to know you better.
(STUDENTS CHATTERING)
So, when are you gonna let me read
one of your stories?
I don't know.
I usually don't let people read my stuff.
Why not?
I've let my mom read a few,
but they've just made her cry.
Most people just get sicked out
and stop reading.
Really? Are there romantic sequences?
No. None of that crap. It's just some mild
swearing and sci-fi violence.
Well, have you tried posting
any of your stories online?
Yeah. But everybody can do that, you know.
I want to get published for real.
Ronald Chevalier had his first trilogy
published when he was 15.
Well, you'll never get anywhere
by just letting your mom read your work.
You can read this. It's called Yeast Lords.
(CLEARS THROAT)
BENJAMIN: The Nad Lab was a cold,
white room.
Bronco, the last of the Yeast Lords,
lay spread-eagle,
strapped to a medical pod.
Someone had stolen his yeast,
and he had gone totally ape-sh...
(GASPS)
What the crap?
Oh, my... My gems!
Sorry, Bronco.
We had to borrow one of your gonads.
Daysius. I should've known it was you.
Oh, I'm not the real Lord Daysius.
My name is Dennis.
I'm one of his many clones.
We're all very sorry.
Lord Daysius sends his regards.
But we're investigating ways
to strengthen the military.
Your gonad is being used for research.
You took my nads.
We only took one.
You took my nads, Dennis.
I know you're upset,
but we plan to give it back.
We'll be done with it very soon.
Darn you, flippin' Daysius.
Get away from me with that. You hear me?
Relax, Bronco. This will ease the pain.
(SNARLING)
You release me, my cat's hungry.
Release me!
(GROANS)
You tell Lord Daysius
to eat the corn out of my crap.
(GASPS)
(TOILET FLUSHING)
Good night, Benjamin.
I really need to think about this one.
Program.
Program.
Before we commence the activities,
I'd like to introduce you
to a very special person.
He is a man who has repeatedly
probed our imaginations for decades.
A man whose canon of work has pushed
the envelope of science and reason.
A man who has created such realistic
characters, I call them friends.
Chevalier.
He's talking about Ronald Chevalier.
CLETUS: Without further ado,
I give you one of the greatest
science fiction authors of our time,
Dr. Ronald Chevalier.
(WHOOPING)
Thank you. So good to see you, Cletus.
Greetings and salutations.
It is such an honor to be in the midst
of so many juvescent ripe minds.
When I was your age,
I had just completed my first trilogy,
a body of work you now know
as The Cyborg Harpies.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
- WOMAN: I love you, Ronald!
- Thank you.
But what many people fail to recognize
is that I created over 49 different
pieces of cover art for that trilogy.
No way.
In this first piece, we see an early
rendering of a harpy named Linda.
Here, she uses her knowledge of lasers
to rupture the crust of a distant moon.
Here is a detail of the ruptured moon crust.
"Must rupture the moon crust,"
she's thinking.
This is a piece that came to me in a dream
when I was 11.
I call it Migration,
and it depicts a fleet of harpies
synchronizing their mammary cannons
to create laser-rain.
A hard rain's gonna fall.
And finally we have a youngling
trying to penetrate
the secrets of the human mind.
You won't do it like that, youngling.
You must use friendship.
Thank you.
For the first time ever,
it is my privilege to announce
Prism Publishing will be hosting a contest
for the best work submitted at this festival.
It will be judged by a panel
of industry professionals,
including myself,
and the winner will receive
a 1,000-copy release of their work
at selected bookstores nationwide.
(AUDIENCE MURMURING)
In addition, I will personally
create an original piece of cover art
to accompany the winning story.
(AUDIENCE EX CLAIMING)
May the glistening chrome of
the Borg Queen shed her light upon us all.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
Amen.
I'm assuming that most of you are here
for two main reasons.
Alpha, you love to write fantasy fiction,
and beta, the character names
in your stories are suffering.
We're going to begin with a little game
which will demonstrate a theory of mine
known as "The Power of the Suffix."
You. Give me the name
of one of the protagonists in your fantasies.
Nebuchadnezzar.
Oh, boy.
Very original.
I've heard that one before.
But don't worry, need thou not be afraid,
for we can turn a humdrum,
forgettable name like Nebuchadnezzar
into something magical like this...
Nebucoronius.
And it's that easy.
We can add "onius," "ainous," or "anous"
to just about anything,
and it becomes magical.
You. Give me the name
of one of your central protags.
Bronco.
What is he, a centaur?
No.
Does he shape-shift into equine form ever?
No, he's just a man.
Well, then, I would...
I would lose the "C" immediately,
and I'd replace it with an "L." Bronlonius.
And if he's part of a traveling clan,
his clansfellow could call him
Bronlo for short,
except on formal occasions.
CHEVALIER: Yes?
What about names found in troll colonies?
In troll colonies,
well, that's a different matter.
Give me an example.
One of my trolls is named Teacup.
I don't like it.
I would go with Trojainous every time.
CHEVALIER: Yes?
But I still like the name Teacup better.
It's not a...
It's not a question of liking it better,
it's just I'm, as an author,
picturing myself as a troll mother.
I have just given birth
to a litter of troll cubs.
They're covered in placentae,
pawing at my many teats
for the vital, life-giving colostrum.
I'm not thinking, "Hmm, Teacup," am I?
It's just not believable.
And if I don't believe it,
the reader doesn't believe it.
Trojainous. Troka Kahn. Trody.
Names in this vein.
If female, Trojana.
Yes?
I thought trolls were supposed
to be named after resources, like trees.
Are you telling me
what trolls are named after?
You do realize I am the author of Troll, Ho.
Because it all boils down to species.
Are they tree-dwellers,
bridge-dwellers, subterranean?
A troll wouldn't come up
with a name like Teacup, a little girl would.
Trojainous.
How was the workshop?
I don't know.
Chevalier seems kind of full of himself.
He's kind of lame.
Really? I think he's gorgeous.
He's not gonna like my story,
the names are all wrong.
Oh, I don't think so.
What do you mean?
Well, I thought your story was really good.
Really?
I thought you didn't like it.
Last night you seemed offended.
No. I... I actually thought
it was kind of amazing.
What inspired it?
Some weird surgery you had?
I wanted to write a story for my dad.
He kind of died when I was young.
Oh, gosh, I'm so sorry.
He was real brave.
He was a game warden, an explorer.
I see. So Bronco is kind of like your dad,
and his gonads are his seed,
which means the gonads are you.
That's why they're so precious.
Well, you know, like all great writers,
you're gonna have to go through
a lot of crap,
but someday your junk will be seen by all,
and it will be awesome.
I truly believe that.
Thanks, Tabatha.
(PHONE RINGING)
Chevalier.
MERVE: Ronald, how's
the conference going? Any contenders?
Well, let me read you a passage
from what I'm reading right now.
"Pierre used to be a jockey in college.
"He loves to have rice pudding with his tea.
"He loves solving animal murders.
"Pierre has two horses,
Jacques and Paris France, both girls.
"He rides Paris France
on the brick roads in London,
"looking for mysterious things.
"He rides Jacques for pleasure."
Merve, never make me do
another one of these things again.
These kids are a joke.
Ronald, as your publisher,
it's not a bad idea to get in touch
with your audience once in a while.
(SIGHS)
All right.
Listen, Merve, did you have a chance
to look at the Sandcastle Diaries yet?
Ronald, I'll cut to the chase. It's horrible.
We can't publish it. It won't sell.
Unless you can give us something
worth taking to print,
we're just gonna have to let you go.
Merve, Merve, wait.
Moon Fetus.
A fetus is found on a moon base.
That's the premise.
I'll talk to you later.
(GRUNTING)
BENJAMIN: Bronco cried out in pain
as he sat on the shore of Goose Lake,
trying to sew his junk back on.
(GROANING)
- Excuse me.
- What?
Is this your pudding?
What do you want?
Hey!
(EX CLAIMS)
That was my backup nad.
I'm sorry.
Was it a fancy pudding?
I know who you are.
Say what?
Our fathers fought valiantly
and were victorious in the Battle of Shiroh.
I was but a child then,
maybe you don't remember.
When your father died
at the hands of Daysius,
your mother wept so hard
that her milk dried.
To keep you alive,
we shared suckle at my mother's breast.
Vanaya?
- It is I.
- I don't believe that.
My family is dead.
My brother and I have been forced
to work in the yeast factories
ever since the epidemic.
- You have a brother?
- Yes.
His name is Kanaya.
He doesn't speak.
(YELPS)
But he's very handy
with powders and gizmos and such.
He can build anything.
What y'all... What y'all want from me?
Let us come with you.
Together, we can destroy
Lord Daysius once and for all.
We shall begin a new yeast colony,
just like when we were children.
Well, that's my dream,
but there's only one problem.
They got my reproductives, Vanaya.
Daysius is gonna build himself an army
using my seed.
I can't let that happen.
His power's become unruly.
You know how weird that'd be,
a bunch of gorgeous yeast lords
with my face, running around,
making dang fools of themselves?
I'm sorry, Vanaya, I have to do this alone.
You and Kanaya would just be dead weight,
big time.
Gotta cut bait on this deal.
Krolaxx, come on. Come on, Krolaxx.
We know where
Daysius is hiding your yeast, Bronco.
Yeah, right.
I can smell a cache
of yeast cakes 40 mile off.
It's being held in
a mountain fortress just north of here.
I can show you.
Kanaya and I just escaped
from the yeast factory there.
If you don't believe me, smell my breath.
(BELCHING)
(SNIFFING)
Tastes like homemade licorice.
Take me there.
Take me to your yeast factory.
I am your soldier.
JUDITH: I know
you like wearing your dad's old clothes,
but while you were at Cletus Fest,
I got you some new shoes.
Only $5, clearance sale at Haymart.
These are girls' shoes, Mom.
Oh, shoot.
I thought they were skipper shoes.
How about some good news?
I got really inspired about my collection,
and I came up with a bunch of new designs.
Do you mind if I run a few of them by you?
Okay.
I've changed the name of my collection
to Decent Beginnings.
I liked it 'cause I thought
it had a wholesome ring,
but I was hoping
it could appeal to a younger market.
Now, my first one is called Front Pew.
Now what I did was I extended
the hemline down like that,
so it brings the attention
back up to the eyes.
And this one, it's breakfast-inspired.
It's called Simply Cinnamon.
I'm gonna make it out of some beach
towels with some burlap fringe.
This one is called Righteous Dew.
Your father would've just loved this one.
This one's called Reachable Dream,
because all of our dreams are reachable,
Benjy, even yours.
Hi. Welcome to LeVonne's.
Can I look at that salmon gown?
Certainly.
This is a very practical design from
LeVonne's new Sunset Plains edition.
CUSTOMER: Well, how much is it?
This treasure right here
is on sale today for $79.95.
Well, that's a rip-off.
Hey. What are you guys doing here?
Lonnie's stepsister runs
the Navajo Taco stand.
They make a really good taco.
So, I noticed you left Cletus early.
Yeah, I had to come back and
help my mom with the trade show.
When do we get our manuscripts back?
Well, we got ours at the end of camp.
Maybe they'll mail yours.
But don't you have another copy?
Because I really think Lonnie should read it.
He has connections
in the audiovisual industry.
He might know someone
that could help get you published.
Are you serious?
Mmm.
Well, it was so nice
to see you, Benjamin. Bye.
Oh, okay.
Yes.
Bronco.
I can do better.
Broncanuss.
(SIGHS)
Broncaho.
Not quite.
Brutus.
Forgive me.
(KEYS CLACKING)
Cyclops there.
Cyclops there.
CHEVALIER: Brutus and Venonka surveyed
the yeast factory,
looking for an Achilles'heel.
There was none.
Cyclops there. Cyclops there.
Cyclops there.
Turrets.
Moon buggies.
Oh, my holy crap.
Surveillance does.
I hate those.
This is ridiculous. That's the most
well-guarded yeast factory I've ever seen.
Kenonka. Kenonka.
Show me your bag of secrets.
What's all this crap?
I thought you said he was good at making
bombs and robots and stuff.
What I meant to say was
he likes collecting things.
BRUTUS: What's he doing now?
VENONKA: I don't know.
He must have found something.
BRUTUS: (SIGHS) I'm not seeing it.
I'm not seeing results.
All I see is a bunch of organic waste.
BRUTUS: What did he find, the genius?
Wait a sec.
(SNIFFING)
Well, it's not a clean yeast.
It's just a fungus beef
sharing a few yeast-like properties.
'Tis ripe and delicious, though.
Watch this.
All right, let's give it a little test.
Not bad.
It's pretty good yeast.
This isn't bad.
This is pretty good.
It's not concentrate,
but it's pretty darn good.
Ha ha, whoopee!
I like it.
I like it.
JUDITH: Hey, Benjamin, come here.
I want you to meet someone.
(DOOR SHUTS)
(JUDITH EX CLAIMS)
Benjamin.
I want you to meet Dusty,
your new Guardian Angel.
What?
Well, I noticed you didn't have any friends,
so I signed you up
for the Guardian Angel program at church.
(HISSING)
I thought maybe you two could go out
in the back and get to know each other
while I grill up some cod.
JUDITH: Oh, my word.
That's all right.
Maybe I have some paper towel.
JUDITH: Oh, my goodness.
Your mom's smoking hot.
What?
Shh!
(MEOWS)
What is that?
It's rat poison and some of my poo.
Sick. Is it lethal?
No. I don't know. Maybe.
Here, you try it.
I can't.
Dude, it's the circle of life. Go for it.
(SCREAMING)
(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC
PLA YING ON SPEAKER)
CHEVALIER: (SINGING) Centaur lover
(PHONE RINGING)
Centaur lover
(MUSIC STOPS)
Chevalier.
- Ronald, it's Merve.
- Yes?
I don't know where this came from,
but it's fantastic.
Really? You like it?
I haven't even finished reading it,
I've already approved it for print.
That's amazing.
I mean, it's a little jarring in places,
but I think it's gonna sell really well.
Are you sure, Merve?
I've just completed the cover art
for Star Bracelets.
No, no, no, I want you to start doing
preliminary sketches
of Brutus and his dog, Balzaak.
Yes. Yes, I'll get right on it.
You're back to your old self.
Congratulations, Ronald.
- Thank you, Merve.
- No, thank you.
(SOBBING)
- Mom.
- What?
You're not bleeding, it's just water.
What?
My gelee insert.
(PHONE RINGING)
You're gonna be okay.
Hello?
TABA THA: May I please speak
to Mr. Benjamin Purvis?
Tabatha?
I'm calling you on behalf of Donaho Studios.
Lonnie thinks he wants
to produce Yeast Lords.
Are you serious?
He wants to make it into a movie?
Mmm-hmm. It's gonna be
our next major motion picture.
We'd like for you to come down
to Donaho Studios to discuss.
Also, could you play a role in the movie
that we're shooting right now?
The sooner we finish it,
the sooner that we can start yours.
Yeah.
Yeah, totally. I'd be honored.
What's it about?
It's a romantic story I wrote.
You would be perfect.
And also, since your mom
works for LeVonne's,
do you think you could
bring some nightgowns?
'Cause we are in desperate need
of sexy nightwear.
That's fine. Yeah, I could do that.
Okay, great. So, we'll see you soon.
And congratulations, Benjamin.
This is a very big deal.
Are these the nighties?
Yeah. We have to be really careful
with them, though.
Hey, Lonnie, what are my lines?
TABATHA: Okay, guys,
we've just got two more scenes,
and then this trailer will be done.
LONNIE: Headphone, please.
(SMOOTH JAZZ MUSIC PLA YING)
And...
Action.
(EXHALES)
Mmm. You like?
Cut!
(MUSIC STOPS)
Lonnie! You can't do that.
That's an $80 Don Carlos.
Excuse me?
I don't even think
we were supposed to take the tags off.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I can't do this.
This movie's gonna suck.
TABATHA: Benjamin.
No, Benjamin, wait, I'm sorry.
Look, it was Lonnie's idea, not mine.
And I'll have my people restore it
with scrap linens.
Tabatha, me and my mom are
gonna be out, like, 100 bucks now.
We can't afford that.
Benjamin, look,
Lonnie has come into
some serious cash lately.
What does that mean?
Benjamin, Lonnie wants
to pay you for Yeast Lords.
Are you serious?
I'm dead serious.
Yeast Lords is amazing,
and it is definitely worth
at least a couple hundred bucks.
Hey, Lonnie?
Tell him how much you're willing to pay.
LONNIE: 500, cash.
500?
What's wrong?
These guys owe you some money?
No.
Who's that guy?
He's my Angel.
Nice.
So, do we have a deal or what?
Yeah.
JUDITH: Hi, guys.
Did you catch any neat rocks?
Yeah. It was fun.
How about you, Duster?
What?
BENJAMIN: Bronco and Vanaya
began their assault on the yeast factory,
but the yeast patty Bronco had previously
eaten started to make him feel like crap.
(GROANS)
(GROANING)
Bronco!
We must stop that gunfire
before it kills Lord Bronco.
Well, find something, Kanaya, anything.
Well, not that, you idiot.
That's just an old pudding.
(SIGHS)
(POWERING DOWN)
(COUGHS)
Bronco. Are you all right?
What happened?
The fungus beef,
it's poisoned your spine juice.
We must get you out of here.
I can't move.
My buttocks is completely numb.
(STAG BELLOWING)
(GASPS)
Oh, mother. A battle stag.
I hate those.
No! Run, Kanaya, run!
No, Kanaya, no! Run away!
And action.
(CRYING)
Are you all right, Vanaya?
My brother.
He sacrificed himself, and for nothing.
We are yeastless.
We are yeastless.
Easy, easy.
Your brother loves you, Vanaya.
He'll do anything for you.
But Daysius has surely
destroyed him by now.
He's the chosen one.
He was born with flesh pockets.
LONNIE: Haven't you read the prophecies?
DUSTY: No.
LONNIE: We must stop him, Bronco.
DUSTY: Yes, but first
we must rest our bodies.
Come, let's bed down for the eve.
LONNIE: Okay.
And...
Cut!
(EX CLAIMS)
(TAPE REWINDING)
Lonnie.
Lonnie.
And there we go, I think. Is that good?
Yes.
(TABATHA EX CLAIMING)
TABATHA: Oh, my gosh, Lonnie, I think all
the changes you made to the script
are so much better than the original.
I mean, this will be one
of the few movies out there
that is actually way better than the book.
(BOTH EX CLAIMING IN EX CITEMENT)
Without a doubt,
the best line I've ever written is this,
"Referring to her neck, she squawked,
"'This isn't a wart,
this is the chancellor of the galaxy.
"'Now let us in."'
(ALL LAUGHING)
Next question.
Over here.
In the second book
of the Cyborg Harpies trilogy,
Tribonius seduces the Borg Queen
by playing her an original piece
of music on his harpy-chord.
Can you explain what that music
was supposed to sound like?
Yes. I believe you're referring
to a piece entitled Gorgana's Lullaby,
the notes of which are too numerous
for the human ear to decipher.
I can, however,
reveal the lyrics to that tune,
which until now have been unpublished.
That'd be awesome.
(CLEARS THROA T)
"Within my breast-meat, there is a famine
"No more sweets in the mammary cannon
"You are Gorgana, my eagle, my queen
"Your ovaries will destroy me
"Collect me in your wings
"I am just a man, and I want to breed
"Together we will learn to love
"You gorgeous hag, you freak machine"
Yes, the young man right over here.
I recently sold a story that I wrote
to some independent filmmakers,
and I'm worried they're gonna ruin it.
I know a lot of your books
have been made into TV movies,
so I'm just wondering
how you've been able to let go
and let somebody else completely
change the vision of your work.
Great question.
Thank you for firing it at me.
I remember early on in my career working
on the first Harpy mini-series.
I told the producers I wanted
everything to be absolutely real.
No special effects.
I didn't believe in them and I still don't.
And I had a scientist friend
of mine from MITbuild
a prototype of some mamocans,
which shot actual lasers.
I tried them on
during a lunch break in front of the crew,
and one overheated
and began to malfunction,
and actually exploded
and maimed a dolly grip.
It was very sad.
So how do I avoid situations like that?
I mean, the idea of somebody
bastardizing my work really freaks me out.
I see. Have they paid you yet?
Yeah. They gave me a check.
Well, cash that check immediately.
Enjoy your money.
I mean, isn't that why we do what we do,
dagnammit?
For the money, for the riches of the earth.
When the future generations will look back,
do you think they will remember us
for our writing?
No, but for the wealth
we have accumulated.
Why do you think I wear this bracelet?
And who knows?
Perhaps these producers may create
something even better
than your original version.
Thank you, and thank you for coming.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
CHEVALIER: You're welcome. Thank you.
Hello.
Hey. I don't know
if you remember me or anything.
I was actually
in your workshop at Cletus Fest.
Of course. Yes, you look vaguely familiar.
I submitted this story called Yeast Lords.
I know it didn't win or anything,
I was just wondering
maybe if you had read it,
I thought maybe you can
give me your feedback.
No, I don't think I read that one.
It must have been one of the other judges.
Okay.
Goodbye.
(JUDITH CRYING)
Mom.
Mom, you need to calm down
and stop watching yourself cry.
My gosh.
I just... You know, I did the inventory
for the LeVonne's gowns this morning,
and it... It appears that
there's one or two things missing.
And that's $100 we don't have this month.
I don't know how
I'm gonna give you a birthday.
Don't worry about that, I'm fine.
You know, in the meantime, I might have
you try to sell some of my Country Balls.
You know, maybe we could have, like, a...
A two-for-one deal.
Mom, I am not selling two in a sack.
Come on, feel how heavy these are.
Two-for-one Country Balls.
Two-for-one Country Balls.
Hi. I just need to cash this.
This check is post-dated for next year.
It is?
Come back in a year from now,
and we'll see if it clears.
(TABATHA WHOOPING)
(WIND OF CHANGEPLAYING)
TABATHA: Yeah!
(INAUDIBLE)
MAN: (SINGING) The world is closing in
Did you ever think
that we could be so close, like brothers?
The future's in the air
I can feel it everywhere
Blowing with the wind of change
Take me to the magic of the moment
On a glory night
Where the children of tomorrow
dream away
In the wind of change
Walking down the street
Distant memories
Are buried in the past forever
I follow the Moskva
Down to Gorky Park
Listening to the wind of change
Take me to the magic of the moment
On a glory night
Where the children of tomorrow
dream away
In the wind of change
(INAUDIBLE)
MALE ANNOUNCER ON TV:
Broadcasting live from Saltair Studios
here in the Great Basin valley,
we bring you The Rod Decker Show,
serving your community for over a decade.
Your host, Rod Decker.
Good morning.
Welcome to The Rod Decker Show.
We have some filmmakers here today.
Mr. Lonnie Donaho is
the director ofYeast Lords.
Miss Tabatha Jenkins is the producer.
And seated next to me is
Mr. Dusty Crissop. He's the leading man.
Look. It's Dusty.
These guys are prolific.
This is your 84th production, Mr. Donaho?
ROD: And what's it about?
Basically, it's a story
about two lonely souls
that find love during
a time of war and disease.
War and disease.
ROD: Okay, that sounds...
That sounds interesting. Yeast Lords.
Your idea? Did you come up with it?
No way. She bought
the story from a boy named Benjy Purvis.
This is so neat.
But to be honest,
his story had some major issues.
Bridgette? Some kind
of troupe of pre-teen amateur circus freaks
have made an adaptation
of Brutus and Balzaak
without my permission.
I'm completely distressed. I can't even
concentrate on my audio book narration.
Dusty Crissop, the leading man,
a movie star.
What was it like working with Mr. Donaho?
Lonnie is the best director
I've ever worked with, by far.
I don't know of another director
who can call "action" one minute,
and the next he puts on
a bald head and he's acting.
Yes, I don't know what we can do.
Can we sue them?
Can we crush them in the press?
DUSTY: It's like working
with an extension of myself.
I know, but if there's
one thing I can't stand, it's plagiarism.
We're out of time.
If you want to see Yeast Lords,
premiere is tonight at the Saltair Cinema.
And to my guests, break a leg.
I think that's
what they say in show business.
Thanks for being here. Good luck to you.
- Thanks, Rod.
- Thank you.
Oh, my gosh. Benjamin.
What are you and I gonna
wear to the premiere?
You got to promise me
you're gonna let me make you something.
MAN: Mr. Donaho?
Hi, I'm with the Village Gazette.
Nice to meet you.
Hi.
Hey, Benjamin. I'm so glad you came.
How are you?
I'm good.
Nice to see you, Benjy-boy.
Hey, Lonnie. This is my mom, Judith.
Hi. I like your matching hippie clothes.
Oh, thank you.
There are important press people here,
so don't forget to do
a nice standing ovation.
You got it.
Shall we take our seats?
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
(LONNIE READING)
LONNIE: Daisy had everything.
Beauty.
Money.
A 50-acre horse ranch.
(HORSE NEIGHING)
A prize-winning stallion.
But what she didn't have was
Logan, the stable boy.
But he was already married to her sister.
Hey, Logan, want to go for a ride?
Can we bring old big sis along?
I was thinking it could be just the two of us.
Come on in. The water's great.
I don't think that's a good idea.
(LAUGHING)
I don't care if you have
a 50-acre ranch or a prize-winning stallion.
I love my wife.
We have a great physical relationship.
TABA THA: My horse's semen
is worth $10 million.
Investors from all over the world have tried
everything they can
to get their hands on it.
(HORSE NEIGHING)
(TABA THA SCREAMING)
Benjamin.
(GULPS)
I've only just realized
that what we shared together onscreen
was very real to me.
I don't feel very good.
Oh, well, you're nervous about the film,
aren't you?
Yeah.
Well, let's get out of here, then.
Let's go someplace
where we can relax and be alone.
(TABA THA SCREAMING)
(GUNSHOTS FIRING)
Okay.
Can you hold on for just a second?
Oh, yeah.
(LONNIE READING)
Come with me to my underground facilities.
Working at the yeast facility
has made my breasts so big
and gave me so many diseases.
I wish I could've been there for ye.
Your brother loves you, Vanaya,
and he'd do anything for ye.
But Daysius has surely
destroyed him by now.
(GROANS)
(GROANS)
LONNIE: One of the laser hit my boobs.
Okay, we can go.
I thought we could grab a couple of
sudokus and snuggle up somewhere.
CHEVALIER: Groggily,
Brutus regained consciousness.
There was a numb pain below,
some stitches obviously
sewn by a medical droid.
Instantly, Brutus knew that one
of his reproductive bags had been stolen.
Oh, my gosh, is that
the new Chevalier book?
Read this.
Benjy, don't ruin it for me.
Just read it.
Okay.
"As Brutus struggled to free
himself from the medical pod,
"a voice spoke to him
from across the room.
"'I'm sorry, Brutus,
we had to borrow one of your gonads.
"'We're investigating ways
to strengthen the military."'
I don't believe this.
(JUSTLIKE JESSE JAMES PLAYING)
Benjamin, wait, we can get through this.
WOMAN: (SINGING) Strutting into town
like you're slinging a gun
Just a small-town dude
with a big-city attitude
Honey, are you looking
for some trouble tonight?
Well, all right
You think you're so bad,
drive the women folk wild
Shoot them all down
with the flash of your pearly smile
Honey, but you met your match tonight
Oh, that's right
You think you'll knock me off my feet
Till I'm flat on the floor
Till my heart is crying Indian
and I'm begging for more
So come on, baby
Come on, baby
Come on, baby,
show me what that loaded gun is for...
Dusty?
What are you doing here?
I brought your wrap gift.
Oh.
People hated your movie.
Some of them walked out.
Yeah, I kind of figured that.
And this guy said
you stole the whole deal from some book.
It's not true.
Yeah. I hit that guy in the face.
Then I punched Lonnie in the neck.
Lonnie's a butthole.
Did you hear what he did to my voice?
I sound like a leprechaun.
That's why if somebody messes
with one of your stories again,
you gotta take them out.
'Cause you're good.
And I'm not saying that
just 'cause I'm your Guardian Angel.
Thanks.
WOMAN: (SINGING) Just like Jesse James
Tonight you're gonna go down in flames
Just like Jesse James
Tonight you're gonna go down in flames
Just like Jesse James
I'm gonna shoot you down, Jesse James
Look.
JUDITH: Who's that?
Isn't that your hero? He's in town.
Maybe after Don Carlos,
we could drop by the book signing.
You know, Don Carlos owns the biggest
nightgown company in the state,
and he wants to see my entire line.
I mean, this could be my big ticket.
I feel like things are changing for us,
don't you?
And it's gotta be Dusty.
He's our good luck charm.
Come on. Come on, honey, I need your help.
We gotta do a few loads.
Ow.
Get her.
JUDITH: Guess this is it.
I'm so nervous.
I just pray that he likes my collection.
How do I look?
You look fine.
Wish me luck.
(PIANO PLAYING SCHMALTZY MUSIC)
(GASPS)
Your house is a real palace.
Hey. I didn't see you there.
Love your dress.
Thank you.
Why don't you go into my bedroom
and undress to your comfort level,
and I'll be there in a second.
(SIGHS)
CHEVALIER: Brutus stood
at the edge of the pond
and held aloft a futuristic cylinder.
I made us a time capsule.
I put a butt-load of keepsakes in it.
We can send it floating downstream,
and that way, if we die,
future generations will learn from us.
Look at this.
It's a friendship stone.
Come closer.
Let's blow on it.
You blow first.
(BOTH BLOWING)
(SPLASHES)
(BOTH LAUGHING)
What?
(JUDITH CRYING)
Mom. What happened?
He wanted me to bed down with him.
He what?
He said if I slept with him,
that I could have my nightgowns
in every Penney's across America.
But I couldn't do it.
Benjamin, no! Benjamin, no!
Hey, Don Carlos! How about you come
down here and fight me like a man!
Benjamin, stop, get back in the car.
Benjamin, get back in the car!
(EX CLAIMING)
BENJAMIN: You think you can harass
my mom, you fat sack of crap?
Come down here and fight me!
(GUNSHOT)
(JUDITH SOBBING)
Mom, I need you to pop open the trunk
and run away from the car.
I can't.
Just pop open the trunk
and get out of here.
No, but I can't.
(SCREAMING)
(CLICKING)
(PARANOID PLAYING)
(EX CLAIMS)
(CARLOS SCREAMING)
MAN: (SINGING) Finished with my woman
'cause she couldn't help me with my mind
People think I'm insane
because I am frowning all the time
All day long I think of things
But nothing seems to satisfy
- Hello.
- Hi.
And who can I make this out to?
Kristie.
Kristie.
I would just love to step inside your brain
for a day and see what it's like.
Explore its many kingdoms
and learn its darkest secrets.
Take it from someone who lives there,
you might not be able to handle it.
My mind is a landscape
of mystery, of thrills.
A place where even the bravest of travelers
would be shaken
by its geysers of original thought.
Wow!
Hmm.
I know. May the gods bless you.
MAN: (SINGING) And so as you hear
these words telling you now of my state
I tell you to enjoy life
I wish I could but it's too late
- Hi.
- Hi.
I was wondering
if you would sign this for me.
Excuse me for a moment.
(FEEDBACKSCREECHING)
Friends. Friends.
I would like to introduce you
to a dear disciple of mine.
This young man standing beside me
loved Brutus and Balzaak so much
that he turned it into a gripping screen
adaptation called Yeastie Boys.
(PEOPLE GASP)
As a reward for his efforts,
Prism Publishing has decided to honor him
with an all-expenses-paid trip
to any one of the lower 48 states,
(PEOPLE EX CLAIMING IN AWE)
and this commemorative bean-pillow,
mini-size,
this jacket,
and a trip to Space Camp.
(ALL GASP)
Awesome.
Join me now in a moment of silence
as we commemorate his contribution
to science and the arts.
(EX CLAIMS)
(PEOPLE MURMURING)
Put the pillow down, I beg of you.
You stole my story.
I don't know what you're talking about.
All you did was change the character
names and turn Bronco into a tranny.
Shut up.
I don't know what he's talking about.
Please, someone seize him.
Seize him.
You're a fraud, and all your fans
should know you're a fraud.
Take him away.
MAN: Get lost.
But, please, show leniency.
Always leniency.
GUARD: Open the gate.
Benjamin?
Benjamin?
Benjamin?
Oh, Benjamin. There you are.
Oh, honey.
This is a terrible place.
Are you all right?
You're not wounded, are you?
I'm fine.
I don't know how this all happened. I just...
You're gonna have to spend
your birthday in jail.
Oh, honey, don't cry. I know I...
I brought you some presents.
Happy birthday. A popcorn car.
Well, I can give it to you later.
I've been registering all your stories
with the Writers' League
since you were seven.
(IN THE YEAR 2525 PLAYING)
MAN: (SINGING) In the year 2525
I thought someday
you could show it to your kids.
If man is still alive
If woman can survive
They may find...
"'Aroo? ' questioned Balzaak.
"'Don't give me that, you crazy wolf,'
erupted Brutus.
"'You know why I put that in there.
Perhaps they can clone me.
"'And besides,
it's always good to have a spare."'
(INAUDIBLE)
MAN: (SINGING) In the year 4545
Ain't gonna need your teeth,
won't need your eyes
Chevalier.
You won't find a thing to chew
Nobody's gonna look at you
In the year 5555
Your arms are hanging
limp at your sides
Your legs got nothing to do
Some machine's doing that for you
In the year 6565
Ain't gonna need no husband,
won't need no wife
You'll pick your son,
pick your daughter, too
(EX CLAIMS)
From the bottom
of a long glass tube, whoa-oh
In the year 6565
Ain't gonna need no husband,
won't need no wife
You'll pick your son,
pick your daughter, too
From the bottom
of a long glass tube, whoa-oh
Land your stag!
(EX CLAIMS)
(GRUNTS)
(EX CLAIMING)
(EX CLAIMS)
(EX CLAIMING)
BRONCO: Come on, Daysius.
(EX CLAIMS)
(GRUNTING)
(GROANS)
(SCREAMING)
MAN: (SINGING) For what he never knew
Now man's reign is through
But through the eternal night
The twinkling of starlight
So very far away
Maybe it's only yesterday
(EX CLAIMING)
In the year 2525
If man is still alive
(GRUNTS)
(EX CLAIMING)
(EXHALES)
Yeah.
Oh, my gosh.
Benjamin, you are so talented.
This is amazing.
So are you, Mom.
What's this?
I love you.
(JUDITH CRYING)
(SNAKE HISSING)
(WHOOPING)
(CARRY ON WA YWARD SON PLAYING)
MAN: (SINGING) Carry on my wayward son
There'll be peace when you are done
Lay your weary head to rest
Don't you cry no more
Once I rose above
the noise and confusion
Just to get a glimpse
beyond this illusion
I was soaring ever higher
But I flew too high
Though my eyes could see
I still was a blind man
Though my mind could think
I still was a madman
I hear the voices when I'm dreaming
I can hear them say
Carry on my wayward son
There'll be peace when you are done
Lay your weary head to rest
Don't you cry no more
Masquerading as a man with a reason
My charade is the event of the season
And if I claim to be a wise man
It surely means that I don't know
On a stormy sea of moving emotion
Tossed about,
I'm like a ship on the ocean
I set a course for winds of fortune
But I hear the voices say
Carry on my wayward son
There'll be peace when you are done
Lay your weary head to rest
- Don't you cry no more
- No!
(MOANING) Oh, yeah.
MAN: (SINGING) In the year 3535
Ain't gonna need
to tell the truth, tell no lies
Everything you think, do and say
Is in the pill you took today
In the year 4545
Ain't gonna need your teeth,
won't need your eyes
You won't find a thing to chew
Nobody's gonna look at you
In the year 5555
Your arms are hanging
limp at your sides
Your legs got nothing to do
Some machine's doing that for you
In the year 6565
Ain't gonna need no husband,
won't need no wife
You'll pick your son,
pick your daughter, too
From the bottom
of a long glass tube, whoa-oh
In the year 7510
If God's a-coming
He ought to make it by then
Maybe he'll look around himself and say
Guess it's time for the Judgment Day
In the year 8510
God is gonna shake his mighty head
He'll either say,
"I'm pleased where man has been"
Or tear it down and start again, whoa-oh
In the year 9595
I'm kind of wondering
if man is gonna be alive
He's taken everything
this old Earth can give
And he ain't put back nothing, whoa-oh
Now it's been 10,000 years
Man has cried a billion tears
For what he never knew
Now man's reign is through
JUDITH: Benjamin.
What are you doing? We're going to be late.
- JUDITH: Are you excited?
- Yeah.
And guess what?
I heated up the hot water bottle
so you can sit on it while we drive.
MAN: (SINGING) In the year 2525
If man is still alive
If woman can survive
they may find
(TIRES SCREECH)
Benjy, I'm so glad you signed up for this.
I think this is gonna be
a really neat opportunity for you.
- Hey. You Benjamin?
- Yeah.
I'm Mr. Keefe,
the homeschool co-op advisor this year,
but you can call me Todd,
or some people just like to call me Keefe.
I think you're really gonna enjoy
the Cletus Festival this year.
It's the best writers' camp in the state.
Keefe, can you tell me how much money
he's gonna need for two days?
You think 4 bucks would be enough?
- Uh... I'd say more like 40, maybe?
- JUDITH: Really?
Well, we better hit the road.
Got a big day tomorrow.
Be safe.
(BUS ENGINE STARTING)
Hey, Benjy.
Remember who you are
and what you stand for.
JUDITH: I love you forever and ever.
Good morning, homeschoolers.
Is everybody excited
for Cletus Fest or what?
Yeah.
We will be stopping for lunch
at the Kozy Cafe in Echo.
Some of you can afford to eat there,
but those who can't will just eat
the food they brought from home.
Are there any questions?
TABATHA: Whether you like it or not,
when you get overseas,
- especially to Europe, I think...
- KEEFE: Right.
- It's different.
- It's totally different.
And you're completely infused
with another energy,
whether you open yourself up to it or not.
- So, I found it really, really inspiring.
- Hey, Benjamin.
Come here, I want you to meet someone.
Benjamin,
I'd like you to meet Tabatha Jenkins.
She's new to the co-op as well. Kind of.
(TABATHA CHUCKLES)
She spent all last year as
a foreign exchange student out in Europe.
Cool. Where did you go?
Brussels.
Benjamin is from Saltair,
and he likes to write sci-fi stories.
Keefe is so dang awesome.
Yeah, he seems pretty cool.
I write French mysteries, you know.
How long you been doing that?
Mainly the last six months.
I write about a stable hand named Pierre.
Can I borrow some money
to buy some tampons?
All my cash is still in euros and I haven't
had time to change it over yet.
What? Yeah, sure.
Thanks. I owe you big time.
Don't worry about it.
(BUS ENGINE STARTING)
Sorry, they didn't have any, so I just
bought some treats for me and Lonnie.
TABATHA: Hey, can we come sit by you?
Hey, Lonnie, bring our stuff.
Let's sit over here.
Benjamin, this is Lonnie Donaho.
- Hi.
- Hi. Nice to meet you.
He has his own video production company,
Donaho Studios.
Since I've been away,
he's been shooting my work on weekends.
I sent him my latest installments via e-mail.
It's been an amazing experience.
How many films have you made?
Mmm. Eighty-three.
But some are just trailers.
Dang. That's a lot.
Do you produce only Tabatha's work?
No. I do all kind of movies.
Horse movies, romance, soaps, fantasies...
Hey, Lonnie, can you squirt me
some of that lotion we just bought?
Will you give me a hand massage?
Yeah.
Yeah, I can do that.
(MOANING)
(CONTINUES MOANING)
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
(SNORING)
You guys are so lucky
you get to be roommates.
Mine just wants to eat.
Hey. I don't think you're allowed to be here.
Mr. Keefe is right next door.
Relax, Benjamin,
I just want to get to know you better.
(STUDENTS CHATTERING)
So, when are you gonna let me read
one of your stories?
I don't know.
I usually don't let people read my stuff.
Why not?
I've let my mom read a few,
but they've just made her cry.
Most people just get sicked out
and stop reading.
Really? Are there romantic sequences?
No. None of that crap. It's just some mild
swearing and sci-fi violence.
Well, have you tried posting
any of your stories online?
Yeah. But everybody can do that, you know.
I want to get published for real.
Ronald Chevalier had his first trilogy
published when he was 15.
Well, you'll never get anywhere
by just letting your mom read your work.
You can read this. It's called Yeast Lords.
(CLEARS THROAT)
BENJAMIN: The Nad Lab was a cold,
white room.
Bronco, the last of the Yeast Lords,
lay spread-eagle,
strapped to a medical pod.
Someone had stolen his yeast,
and he had gone totally ape-sh...
(GASPS)
What the crap?
Oh, my... My gems!
Sorry, Bronco.
We had to borrow one of your gonads.
Daysius. I should've known it was you.
Oh, I'm not the real Lord Daysius.
My name is Dennis.
I'm one of his many clones.
We're all very sorry.
Lord Daysius sends his regards.
But we're investigating ways
to strengthen the military.
Your gonad is being used for research.
You took my nads.
We only took one.
You took my nads, Dennis.
I know you're upset,
but we plan to give it back.
We'll be done with it very soon.
Darn you, flippin' Daysius.
Get away from me with that. You hear me?
Relax, Bronco. This will ease the pain.
(SNARLING)
You release me, my cat's hungry.
Release me!
(GROANS)
You tell Lord Daysius
to eat the corn out of my crap.
(GASPS)
(TOILET FLUSHING)
Good night, Benjamin.
I really need to think about this one.
Program.
Program.
Before we commence the activities,
I'd like to introduce you
to a very special person.
He is a man who has repeatedly
probed our imaginations for decades.
A man whose canon of work has pushed
the envelope of science and reason.
A man who has created such realistic
characters, I call them friends.
Chevalier.
He's talking about Ronald Chevalier.
CLETUS: Without further ado,
I give you one of the greatest
science fiction authors of our time,
Dr. Ronald Chevalier.
(WHOOPING)
Thank you. So good to see you, Cletus.
Greetings and salutations.
It is such an honor to be in the midst
of so many juvescent ripe minds.
When I was your age,
I had just completed my first trilogy,
a body of work you now know
as The Cyborg Harpies.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
- WOMAN: I love you, Ronald!
- Thank you.
But what many people fail to recognize
is that I created over 49 different
pieces of cover art for that trilogy.
No way.
In this first piece, we see an early
rendering of a harpy named Linda.
Here, she uses her knowledge of lasers
to rupture the crust of a distant moon.
Here is a detail of the ruptured moon crust.
"Must rupture the moon crust,"
she's thinking.
This is a piece that came to me in a dream
when I was 11.
I call it Migration,
and it depicts a fleet of harpies
synchronizing their mammary cannons
to create laser-rain.
A hard rain's gonna fall.
And finally we have a youngling
trying to penetrate
the secrets of the human mind.
You won't do it like that, youngling.
You must use friendship.
Thank you.
For the first time ever,
it is my privilege to announce
Prism Publishing will be hosting a contest
for the best work submitted at this festival.
It will be judged by a panel
of industry professionals,
including myself,
and the winner will receive
a 1,000-copy release of their work
at selected bookstores nationwide.
(AUDIENCE MURMURING)
In addition, I will personally
create an original piece of cover art
to accompany the winning story.
(AUDIENCE EX CLAIMING)
May the glistening chrome of
the Borg Queen shed her light upon us all.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
Amen.
I'm assuming that most of you are here
for two main reasons.
Alpha, you love to write fantasy fiction,
and beta, the character names
in your stories are suffering.
We're going to begin with a little game
which will demonstrate a theory of mine
known as "The Power of the Suffix."
You. Give me the name
of one of the protagonists in your fantasies.
Nebuchadnezzar.
Oh, boy.
Very original.
I've heard that one before.
But don't worry, need thou not be afraid,
for we can turn a humdrum,
forgettable name like Nebuchadnezzar
into something magical like this...
Nebucoronius.
And it's that easy.
We can add "onius," "ainous," or "anous"
to just about anything,
and it becomes magical.
You. Give me the name
of one of your central protags.
Bronco.
What is he, a centaur?
No.
Does he shape-shift into equine form ever?
No, he's just a man.
Well, then, I would...
I would lose the "C" immediately,
and I'd replace it with an "L." Bronlonius.
And if he's part of a traveling clan,
his clansfellow could call him
Bronlo for short,
except on formal occasions.
CHEVALIER: Yes?
What about names found in troll colonies?
In troll colonies,
well, that's a different matter.
Give me an example.
One of my trolls is named Teacup.
I don't like it.
I would go with Trojainous every time.
CHEVALIER: Yes?
But I still like the name Teacup better.
It's not a...
It's not a question of liking it better,
it's just I'm, as an author,
picturing myself as a troll mother.
I have just given birth
to a litter of troll cubs.
They're covered in placentae,
pawing at my many teats
for the vital, life-giving colostrum.
I'm not thinking, "Hmm, Teacup," am I?
It's just not believable.
And if I don't believe it,
the reader doesn't believe it.
Trojainous. Troka Kahn. Trody.
Names in this vein.
If female, Trojana.
Yes?
I thought trolls were supposed
to be named after resources, like trees.
Are you telling me
what trolls are named after?
You do realize I am the author of Troll, Ho.
Because it all boils down to species.
Are they tree-dwellers,
bridge-dwellers, subterranean?
A troll wouldn't come up
with a name like Teacup, a little girl would.
Trojainous.
How was the workshop?
I don't know.
Chevalier seems kind of full of himself.
He's kind of lame.
Really? I think he's gorgeous.
He's not gonna like my story,
the names are all wrong.
Oh, I don't think so.
What do you mean?
Well, I thought your story was really good.
Really?
I thought you didn't like it.
Last night you seemed offended.
No. I... I actually thought
it was kind of amazing.
What inspired it?
Some weird surgery you had?
I wanted to write a story for my dad.
He kind of died when I was young.
Oh, gosh, I'm so sorry.
He was real brave.
He was a game warden, an explorer.
I see. So Bronco is kind of like your dad,
and his gonads are his seed,
which means the gonads are you.
That's why they're so precious.
Well, you know, like all great writers,
you're gonna have to go through
a lot of crap,
but someday your junk will be seen by all,
and it will be awesome.
I truly believe that.
Thanks, Tabatha.
(PHONE RINGING)
Chevalier.
MERVE: Ronald, how's
the conference going? Any contenders?
Well, let me read you a passage
from what I'm reading right now.
"Pierre used to be a jockey in college.
"He loves to have rice pudding with his tea.
"He loves solving animal murders.
"Pierre has two horses,
Jacques and Paris France, both girls.
"He rides Paris France
on the brick roads in London,
"looking for mysterious things.
"He rides Jacques for pleasure."
Merve, never make me do
another one of these things again.
These kids are a joke.
Ronald, as your publisher,
it's not a bad idea to get in touch
with your audience once in a while.
(SIGHS)
All right.
Listen, Merve, did you have a chance
to look at the Sandcastle Diaries yet?
Ronald, I'll cut to the chase. It's horrible.
We can't publish it. It won't sell.
Unless you can give us something
worth taking to print,
we're just gonna have to let you go.
Merve, Merve, wait.
Moon Fetus.
A fetus is found on a moon base.
That's the premise.
I'll talk to you later.
(GRUNTING)
BENJAMIN: Bronco cried out in pain
as he sat on the shore of Goose Lake,
trying to sew his junk back on.
(GROANING)
- Excuse me.
- What?
Is this your pudding?
What do you want?
Hey!
(EX CLAIMS)
That was my backup nad.
I'm sorry.
Was it a fancy pudding?
I know who you are.
Say what?
Our fathers fought valiantly
and were victorious in the Battle of Shiroh.
I was but a child then,
maybe you don't remember.
When your father died
at the hands of Daysius,
your mother wept so hard
that her milk dried.
To keep you alive,
we shared suckle at my mother's breast.
Vanaya?
- It is I.
- I don't believe that.
My family is dead.
My brother and I have been forced
to work in the yeast factories
ever since the epidemic.
- You have a brother?
- Yes.
His name is Kanaya.
He doesn't speak.
(YELPS)
But he's very handy
with powders and gizmos and such.
He can build anything.
What y'all... What y'all want from me?
Let us come with you.
Together, we can destroy
Lord Daysius once and for all.
We shall begin a new yeast colony,
just like when we were children.
Well, that's my dream,
but there's only one problem.
They got my reproductives, Vanaya.
Daysius is gonna build himself an army
using my seed.
I can't let that happen.
His power's become unruly.
You know how weird that'd be,
a bunch of gorgeous yeast lords
with my face, running around,
making dang fools of themselves?
I'm sorry, Vanaya, I have to do this alone.
You and Kanaya would just be dead weight,
big time.
Gotta cut bait on this deal.
Krolaxx, come on. Come on, Krolaxx.
We know where
Daysius is hiding your yeast, Bronco.
Yeah, right.
I can smell a cache
of yeast cakes 40 mile off.
It's being held in
a mountain fortress just north of here.
I can show you.
Kanaya and I just escaped
from the yeast factory there.
If you don't believe me, smell my breath.
(BELCHING)
(SNIFFING)
Tastes like homemade licorice.
Take me there.
Take me to your yeast factory.
I am your soldier.
JUDITH: I know
you like wearing your dad's old clothes,
but while you were at Cletus Fest,
I got you some new shoes.
Only $5, clearance sale at Haymart.
These are girls' shoes, Mom.
Oh, shoot.
I thought they were skipper shoes.
How about some good news?
I got really inspired about my collection,
and I came up with a bunch of new designs.
Do you mind if I run a few of them by you?
Okay.
I've changed the name of my collection
to Decent Beginnings.
I liked it 'cause I thought
it had a wholesome ring,
but I was hoping
it could appeal to a younger market.
Now, my first one is called Front Pew.
Now what I did was I extended
the hemline down like that,
so it brings the attention
back up to the eyes.
And this one, it's breakfast-inspired.
It's called Simply Cinnamon.
I'm gonna make it out of some beach
towels with some burlap fringe.
This one is called Righteous Dew.
Your father would've just loved this one.
This one's called Reachable Dream,
because all of our dreams are reachable,
Benjy, even yours.
Hi. Welcome to LeVonne's.
Can I look at that salmon gown?
Certainly.
This is a very practical design from
LeVonne's new Sunset Plains edition.
CUSTOMER: Well, how much is it?
This treasure right here
is on sale today for $79.95.
Well, that's a rip-off.
Hey. What are you guys doing here?
Lonnie's stepsister runs
the Navajo Taco stand.
They make a really good taco.
So, I noticed you left Cletus early.
Yeah, I had to come back and
help my mom with the trade show.
When do we get our manuscripts back?
Well, we got ours at the end of camp.
Maybe they'll mail yours.
But don't you have another copy?
Because I really think Lonnie should read it.
He has connections
in the audiovisual industry.
He might know someone
that could help get you published.
Are you serious?
Mmm.
Well, it was so nice
to see you, Benjamin. Bye.
Oh, okay.
Yes.
Bronco.
I can do better.
Broncanuss.
(SIGHS)
Broncaho.
Not quite.
Brutus.
Forgive me.
(KEYS CLACKING)
Cyclops there.
Cyclops there.
CHEVALIER: Brutus and Venonka surveyed
the yeast factory,
looking for an Achilles'heel.
There was none.
Cyclops there. Cyclops there.
Cyclops there.
Turrets.
Moon buggies.
Oh, my holy crap.
Surveillance does.
I hate those.
This is ridiculous. That's the most
well-guarded yeast factory I've ever seen.
Kenonka. Kenonka.
Show me your bag of secrets.
What's all this crap?
I thought you said he was good at making
bombs and robots and stuff.
What I meant to say was
he likes collecting things.
BRUTUS: What's he doing now?
VENONKA: I don't know.
He must have found something.
BRUTUS: (SIGHS) I'm not seeing it.
I'm not seeing results.
All I see is a bunch of organic waste.
BRUTUS: What did he find, the genius?
Wait a sec.
(SNIFFING)
Well, it's not a clean yeast.
It's just a fungus beef
sharing a few yeast-like properties.
'Tis ripe and delicious, though.
Watch this.
All right, let's give it a little test.
Not bad.
It's pretty good yeast.
This isn't bad.
This is pretty good.
It's not concentrate,
but it's pretty darn good.
Ha ha, whoopee!
I like it.
I like it.
JUDITH: Hey, Benjamin, come here.
I want you to meet someone.
(DOOR SHUTS)
(JUDITH EX CLAIMS)
Benjamin.
I want you to meet Dusty,
your new Guardian Angel.
What?
Well, I noticed you didn't have any friends,
so I signed you up
for the Guardian Angel program at church.
(HISSING)
I thought maybe you two could go out
in the back and get to know each other
while I grill up some cod.
JUDITH: Oh, my word.
That's all right.
Maybe I have some paper towel.
JUDITH: Oh, my goodness.
Your mom's smoking hot.
What?
Shh!
(MEOWS)
What is that?
It's rat poison and some of my poo.
Sick. Is it lethal?
No. I don't know. Maybe.
Here, you try it.
I can't.
Dude, it's the circle of life. Go for it.
(SCREAMING)
(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC
PLA YING ON SPEAKER)
CHEVALIER: (SINGING) Centaur lover
(PHONE RINGING)
Centaur lover
(MUSIC STOPS)
Chevalier.
- Ronald, it's Merve.
- Yes?
I don't know where this came from,
but it's fantastic.
Really? You like it?
I haven't even finished reading it,
I've already approved it for print.
That's amazing.
I mean, it's a little jarring in places,
but I think it's gonna sell really well.
Are you sure, Merve?
I've just completed the cover art
for Star Bracelets.
No, no, no, I want you to start doing
preliminary sketches
of Brutus and his dog, Balzaak.
Yes. Yes, I'll get right on it.
You're back to your old self.
Congratulations, Ronald.
- Thank you, Merve.
- No, thank you.
(SOBBING)
- Mom.
- What?
You're not bleeding, it's just water.
What?
My gelee insert.
(PHONE RINGING)
You're gonna be okay.
Hello?
TABA THA: May I please speak
to Mr. Benjamin Purvis?
Tabatha?
I'm calling you on behalf of Donaho Studios.
Lonnie thinks he wants
to produce Yeast Lords.
Are you serious?
He wants to make it into a movie?
Mmm-hmm. It's gonna be
our next major motion picture.
We'd like for you to come down
to Donaho Studios to discuss.
Also, could you play a role in the movie
that we're shooting right now?
The sooner we finish it,
the sooner that we can start yours.
Yeah.
Yeah, totally. I'd be honored.
What's it about?
It's a romantic story I wrote.
You would be perfect.
And also, since your mom
works for LeVonne's,
do you think you could
bring some nightgowns?
'Cause we are in desperate need
of sexy nightwear.
That's fine. Yeah, I could do that.
Okay, great. So, we'll see you soon.
And congratulations, Benjamin.
This is a very big deal.
Are these the nighties?
Yeah. We have to be really careful
with them, though.
Hey, Lonnie, what are my lines?
TABATHA: Okay, guys,
we've just got two more scenes,
and then this trailer will be done.
LONNIE: Headphone, please.
(SMOOTH JAZZ MUSIC PLA YING)
And...
Action.
(EXHALES)
Mmm. You like?
Cut!
(MUSIC STOPS)
Lonnie! You can't do that.
That's an $80 Don Carlos.
Excuse me?
I don't even think
we were supposed to take the tags off.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I can't do this.
This movie's gonna suck.
TABATHA: Benjamin.
No, Benjamin, wait, I'm sorry.
Look, it was Lonnie's idea, not mine.
And I'll have my people restore it
with scrap linens.
Tabatha, me and my mom are
gonna be out, like, 100 bucks now.
We can't afford that.
Benjamin, look,
Lonnie has come into
some serious cash lately.
What does that mean?
Benjamin, Lonnie wants
to pay you for Yeast Lords.
Are you serious?
I'm dead serious.
Yeast Lords is amazing,
and it is definitely worth
at least a couple hundred bucks.
Hey, Lonnie?
Tell him how much you're willing to pay.
LONNIE: 500, cash.
500?
What's wrong?
These guys owe you some money?
No.
Who's that guy?
He's my Angel.
Nice.
So, do we have a deal or what?
Yeah.
JUDITH: Hi, guys.
Did you catch any neat rocks?
Yeah. It was fun.
How about you, Duster?
What?
BENJAMIN: Bronco and Vanaya
began their assault on the yeast factory,
but the yeast patty Bronco had previously
eaten started to make him feel like crap.
(GROANS)
(GROANING)
Bronco!
We must stop that gunfire
before it kills Lord Bronco.
Well, find something, Kanaya, anything.
Well, not that, you idiot.
That's just an old pudding.
(SIGHS)
(POWERING DOWN)
(COUGHS)
Bronco. Are you all right?
What happened?
The fungus beef,
it's poisoned your spine juice.
We must get you out of here.
I can't move.
My buttocks is completely numb.
(STAG BELLOWING)
(GASPS)
Oh, mother. A battle stag.
I hate those.
No! Run, Kanaya, run!
No, Kanaya, no! Run away!
And action.
(CRYING)
Are you all right, Vanaya?
My brother.
He sacrificed himself, and for nothing.
We are yeastless.
We are yeastless.
Easy, easy.
Your brother loves you, Vanaya.
He'll do anything for you.
But Daysius has surely
destroyed him by now.
He's the chosen one.
He was born with flesh pockets.
LONNIE: Haven't you read the prophecies?
DUSTY: No.
LONNIE: We must stop him, Bronco.
DUSTY: Yes, but first
we must rest our bodies.
Come, let's bed down for the eve.
LONNIE: Okay.
And...
Cut!
(EX CLAIMS)
(TAPE REWINDING)
Lonnie.
Lonnie.
And there we go, I think. Is that good?
Yes.
(TABATHA EX CLAIMING)
TABATHA: Oh, my gosh, Lonnie, I think all
the changes you made to the script
are so much better than the original.
I mean, this will be one
of the few movies out there
that is actually way better than the book.
(BOTH EX CLAIMING IN EX CITEMENT)
Without a doubt,
the best line I've ever written is this,
"Referring to her neck, she squawked,
"'This isn't a wart,
this is the chancellor of the galaxy.
"'Now let us in."'
(ALL LAUGHING)
Next question.
Over here.
In the second book
of the Cyborg Harpies trilogy,
Tribonius seduces the Borg Queen
by playing her an original piece
of music on his harpy-chord.
Can you explain what that music
was supposed to sound like?
Yes. I believe you're referring
to a piece entitled Gorgana's Lullaby,
the notes of which are too numerous
for the human ear to decipher.
I can, however,
reveal the lyrics to that tune,
which until now have been unpublished.
That'd be awesome.
(CLEARS THROA T)
"Within my breast-meat, there is a famine
"No more sweets in the mammary cannon
"You are Gorgana, my eagle, my queen
"Your ovaries will destroy me
"Collect me in your wings
"I am just a man, and I want to breed
"Together we will learn to love
"You gorgeous hag, you freak machine"
Yes, the young man right over here.
I recently sold a story that I wrote
to some independent filmmakers,
and I'm worried they're gonna ruin it.
I know a lot of your books
have been made into TV movies,
so I'm just wondering
how you've been able to let go
and let somebody else completely
change the vision of your work.
Great question.
Thank you for firing it at me.
I remember early on in my career working
on the first Harpy mini-series.
I told the producers I wanted
everything to be absolutely real.
No special effects.
I didn't believe in them and I still don't.
And I had a scientist friend
of mine from MITbuild
a prototype of some mamocans,
which shot actual lasers.
I tried them on
during a lunch break in front of the crew,
and one overheated
and began to malfunction,
and actually exploded
and maimed a dolly grip.
It was very sad.
So how do I avoid situations like that?
I mean, the idea of somebody
bastardizing my work really freaks me out.
I see. Have they paid you yet?
Yeah. They gave me a check.
Well, cash that check immediately.
Enjoy your money.
I mean, isn't that why we do what we do,
dagnammit?
For the money, for the riches of the earth.
When the future generations will look back,
do you think they will remember us
for our writing?
No, but for the wealth
we have accumulated.
Why do you think I wear this bracelet?
And who knows?
Perhaps these producers may create
something even better
than your original version.
Thank you, and thank you for coming.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
CHEVALIER: You're welcome. Thank you.
Hello.
Hey. I don't know
if you remember me or anything.
I was actually
in your workshop at Cletus Fest.
Of course. Yes, you look vaguely familiar.
I submitted this story called Yeast Lords.
I know it didn't win or anything,
I was just wondering
maybe if you had read it,
I thought maybe you can
give me your feedback.
No, I don't think I read that one.
It must have been one of the other judges.
Okay.
Goodbye.
(JUDITH CRYING)
Mom.
Mom, you need to calm down
and stop watching yourself cry.
My gosh.
I just... You know, I did the inventory
for the LeVonne's gowns this morning,
and it... It appears that
there's one or two things missing.
And that's $100 we don't have this month.
I don't know how
I'm gonna give you a birthday.
Don't worry about that, I'm fine.
You know, in the meantime, I might have
you try to sell some of my Country Balls.
You know, maybe we could have, like, a...
A two-for-one deal.
Mom, I am not selling two in a sack.
Come on, feel how heavy these are.
Two-for-one Country Balls.
Two-for-one Country Balls.
Hi. I just need to cash this.
This check is post-dated for next year.
It is?
Come back in a year from now,
and we'll see if it clears.
(TABATHA WHOOPING)
(WIND OF CHANGEPLAYING)
TABATHA: Yeah!
(INAUDIBLE)
MAN: (SINGING) The world is closing in
Did you ever think
that we could be so close, like brothers?
The future's in the air
I can feel it everywhere
Blowing with the wind of change
Take me to the magic of the moment
On a glory night
Where the children of tomorrow
dream away
In the wind of change
Walking down the street
Distant memories
Are buried in the past forever
I follow the Moskva
Down to Gorky Park
Listening to the wind of change
Take me to the magic of the moment
On a glory night
Where the children of tomorrow
dream away
In the wind of change
(INAUDIBLE)
MALE ANNOUNCER ON TV:
Broadcasting live from Saltair Studios
here in the Great Basin valley,
we bring you The Rod Decker Show,
serving your community for over a decade.
Your host, Rod Decker.
Good morning.
Welcome to The Rod Decker Show.
We have some filmmakers here today.
Mr. Lonnie Donaho is
the director ofYeast Lords.
Miss Tabatha Jenkins is the producer.
And seated next to me is
Mr. Dusty Crissop. He's the leading man.
Look. It's Dusty.
These guys are prolific.
This is your 84th production, Mr. Donaho?
ROD: And what's it about?
Basically, it's a story
about two lonely souls
that find love during
a time of war and disease.
War and disease.
ROD: Okay, that sounds...
That sounds interesting. Yeast Lords.
Your idea? Did you come up with it?
No way. She bought
the story from a boy named Benjy Purvis.
This is so neat.
But to be honest,
his story had some major issues.
Bridgette? Some kind
of troupe of pre-teen amateur circus freaks
have made an adaptation
of Brutus and Balzaak
without my permission.
I'm completely distressed. I can't even
concentrate on my audio book narration.
Dusty Crissop, the leading man,
a movie star.
What was it like working with Mr. Donaho?
Lonnie is the best director
I've ever worked with, by far.
I don't know of another director
who can call "action" one minute,
and the next he puts on
a bald head and he's acting.
Yes, I don't know what we can do.
Can we sue them?
Can we crush them in the press?
DUSTY: It's like working
with an extension of myself.
I know, but if there's
one thing I can't stand, it's plagiarism.
We're out of time.
If you want to see Yeast Lords,
premiere is tonight at the Saltair Cinema.
And to my guests, break a leg.
I think that's
what they say in show business.
Thanks for being here. Good luck to you.
- Thanks, Rod.
- Thank you.
Oh, my gosh. Benjamin.
What are you and I gonna
wear to the premiere?
You got to promise me
you're gonna let me make you something.
MAN: Mr. Donaho?
Hi, I'm with the Village Gazette.
Nice to meet you.
Hi.
Hey, Benjamin. I'm so glad you came.
How are you?
I'm good.
Nice to see you, Benjy-boy.
Hey, Lonnie. This is my mom, Judith.
Hi. I like your matching hippie clothes.
Oh, thank you.
There are important press people here,
so don't forget to do
a nice standing ovation.
You got it.
Shall we take our seats?
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
(LONNIE READING)
LONNIE: Daisy had everything.
Beauty.
Money.
A 50-acre horse ranch.
(HORSE NEIGHING)
A prize-winning stallion.
But what she didn't have was
Logan, the stable boy.
But he was already married to her sister.
Hey, Logan, want to go for a ride?
Can we bring old big sis along?
I was thinking it could be just the two of us.
Come on in. The water's great.
I don't think that's a good idea.
(LAUGHING)
I don't care if you have
a 50-acre ranch or a prize-winning stallion.
I love my wife.
We have a great physical relationship.
TABA THA: My horse's semen
is worth $10 million.
Investors from all over the world have tried
everything they can
to get their hands on it.
(HORSE NEIGHING)
(TABA THA SCREAMING)
Benjamin.
(GULPS)
I've only just realized
that what we shared together onscreen
was very real to me.
I don't feel very good.
Oh, well, you're nervous about the film,
aren't you?
Yeah.
Well, let's get out of here, then.
Let's go someplace
where we can relax and be alone.
(TABA THA SCREAMING)
(GUNSHOTS FIRING)
Okay.
Can you hold on for just a second?
Oh, yeah.
(LONNIE READING)
Come with me to my underground facilities.
Working at the yeast facility
has made my breasts so big
and gave me so many diseases.
I wish I could've been there for ye.
Your brother loves you, Vanaya,
and he'd do anything for ye.
But Daysius has surely
destroyed him by now.
(GROANS)
(GROANS)
LONNIE: One of the laser hit my boobs.
Okay, we can go.
I thought we could grab a couple of
sudokus and snuggle up somewhere.
CHEVALIER: Groggily,
Brutus regained consciousness.
There was a numb pain below,
some stitches obviously
sewn by a medical droid.
Instantly, Brutus knew that one
of his reproductive bags had been stolen.
Oh, my gosh, is that
the new Chevalier book?
Read this.
Benjy, don't ruin it for me.
Just read it.
Okay.
"As Brutus struggled to free
himself from the medical pod,
"a voice spoke to him
from across the room.
"'I'm sorry, Brutus,
we had to borrow one of your gonads.
"'We're investigating ways
to strengthen the military."'
I don't believe this.
(JUSTLIKE JESSE JAMES PLAYING)
Benjamin, wait, we can get through this.
WOMAN: (SINGING) Strutting into town
like you're slinging a gun
Just a small-town dude
with a big-city attitude
Honey, are you looking
for some trouble tonight?
Well, all right
You think you're so bad,
drive the women folk wild
Shoot them all down
with the flash of your pearly smile
Honey, but you met your match tonight
Oh, that's right
You think you'll knock me off my feet
Till I'm flat on the floor
Till my heart is crying Indian
and I'm begging for more
So come on, baby
Come on, baby
Come on, baby,
show me what that loaded gun is for...
Dusty?
What are you doing here?
I brought your wrap gift.
Oh.
People hated your movie.
Some of them walked out.
Yeah, I kind of figured that.
And this guy said
you stole the whole deal from some book.
It's not true.
Yeah. I hit that guy in the face.
Then I punched Lonnie in the neck.
Lonnie's a butthole.
Did you hear what he did to my voice?
I sound like a leprechaun.
That's why if somebody messes
with one of your stories again,
you gotta take them out.
'Cause you're good.
And I'm not saying that
just 'cause I'm your Guardian Angel.
Thanks.
WOMAN: (SINGING) Just like Jesse James
Tonight you're gonna go down in flames
Just like Jesse James
Tonight you're gonna go down in flames
Just like Jesse James
I'm gonna shoot you down, Jesse James
Look.
JUDITH: Who's that?
Isn't that your hero? He's in town.
Maybe after Don Carlos,
we could drop by the book signing.
You know, Don Carlos owns the biggest
nightgown company in the state,
and he wants to see my entire line.
I mean, this could be my big ticket.
I feel like things are changing for us,
don't you?
And it's gotta be Dusty.
He's our good luck charm.
Come on. Come on, honey, I need your help.
We gotta do a few loads.
Ow.
Get her.
JUDITH: Guess this is it.
I'm so nervous.
I just pray that he likes my collection.
How do I look?
You look fine.
Wish me luck.
(PIANO PLAYING SCHMALTZY MUSIC)
(GASPS)
Your house is a real palace.
Hey. I didn't see you there.
Love your dress.
Thank you.
Why don't you go into my bedroom
and undress to your comfort level,
and I'll be there in a second.
(SIGHS)
CHEVALIER: Brutus stood
at the edge of the pond
and held aloft a futuristic cylinder.
I made us a time capsule.
I put a butt-load of keepsakes in it.
We can send it floating downstream,
and that way, if we die,
future generations will learn from us.
Look at this.
It's a friendship stone.
Come closer.
Let's blow on it.
You blow first.
(BOTH BLOWING)
(SPLASHES)
(BOTH LAUGHING)
What?
(JUDITH CRYING)
Mom. What happened?
He wanted me to bed down with him.
He what?
He said if I slept with him,
that I could have my nightgowns
in every Penney's across America.
But I couldn't do it.
Benjamin, no! Benjamin, no!
Hey, Don Carlos! How about you come
down here and fight me like a man!
Benjamin, stop, get back in the car.
Benjamin, get back in the car!
(EX CLAIMING)
BENJAMIN: You think you can harass
my mom, you fat sack of crap?
Come down here and fight me!
(GUNSHOT)
(JUDITH SOBBING)
Mom, I need you to pop open the trunk
and run away from the car.
I can't.
Just pop open the trunk
and get out of here.
No, but I can't.
(SCREAMING)
(CLICKING)
(PARANOID PLAYING)
(EX CLAIMS)
(CARLOS SCREAMING)
MAN: (SINGING) Finished with my woman
'cause she couldn't help me with my mind
People think I'm insane
because I am frowning all the time
All day long I think of things
But nothing seems to satisfy
- Hello.
- Hi.
And who can I make this out to?
Kristie.
Kristie.
I would just love to step inside your brain
for a day and see what it's like.
Explore its many kingdoms
and learn its darkest secrets.
Take it from someone who lives there,
you might not be able to handle it.
My mind is a landscape
of mystery, of thrills.
A place where even the bravest of travelers
would be shaken
by its geysers of original thought.
Wow!
Hmm.
I know. May the gods bless you.
MAN: (SINGING) And so as you hear
these words telling you now of my state
I tell you to enjoy life
I wish I could but it's too late
- Hi.
- Hi.
I was wondering
if you would sign this for me.
Excuse me for a moment.
(FEEDBACKSCREECHING)
Friends. Friends.
I would like to introduce you
to a dear disciple of mine.
This young man standing beside me
loved Brutus and Balzaak so much
that he turned it into a gripping screen
adaptation called Yeastie Boys.
(PEOPLE GASP)
As a reward for his efforts,
Prism Publishing has decided to honor him
with an all-expenses-paid trip
to any one of the lower 48 states,
(PEOPLE EX CLAIMING IN AWE)
and this commemorative bean-pillow,
mini-size,
this jacket,
and a trip to Space Camp.
(ALL GASP)
Awesome.
Join me now in a moment of silence
as we commemorate his contribution
to science and the arts.
(EX CLAIMS)
(PEOPLE MURMURING)
Put the pillow down, I beg of you.
You stole my story.
I don't know what you're talking about.
All you did was change the character
names and turn Bronco into a tranny.
Shut up.
I don't know what he's talking about.
Please, someone seize him.
Seize him.
You're a fraud, and all your fans
should know you're a fraud.
Take him away.
MAN: Get lost.
But, please, show leniency.
Always leniency.
GUARD: Open the gate.
Benjamin?
Benjamin?
Benjamin?
Oh, Benjamin. There you are.
Oh, honey.
This is a terrible place.
Are you all right?
You're not wounded, are you?
I'm fine.
I don't know how this all happened. I just...
You're gonna have to spend
your birthday in jail.
Oh, honey, don't cry. I know I...
I brought you some presents.
Happy birthday. A popcorn car.
Well, I can give it to you later.
I've been registering all your stories
with the Writers' League
since you were seven.
(IN THE YEAR 2525 PLAYING)
MAN: (SINGING) In the year 2525
I thought someday
you could show it to your kids.
If man is still alive
If woman can survive
They may find...
"'Aroo? ' questioned Balzaak.
"'Don't give me that, you crazy wolf,'
erupted Brutus.
"'You know why I put that in there.
Perhaps they can clone me.
"'And besides,
it's always good to have a spare."'
(INAUDIBLE)
MAN: (SINGING) In the year 4545
Ain't gonna need your teeth,
won't need your eyes
Chevalier.
You won't find a thing to chew
Nobody's gonna look at you
In the year 5555
Your arms are hanging
limp at your sides
Your legs got nothing to do
Some machine's doing that for you
In the year 6565
Ain't gonna need no husband,
won't need no wife
You'll pick your son,
pick your daughter, too
(EX CLAIMS)
From the bottom
of a long glass tube, whoa-oh
In the year 6565
Ain't gonna need no husband,
won't need no wife
You'll pick your son,
pick your daughter, too
From the bottom
of a long glass tube, whoa-oh
Land your stag!
(EX CLAIMS)
(GRUNTS)
(EX CLAIMING)
(EX CLAIMS)
(EX CLAIMING)
BRONCO: Come on, Daysius.
(EX CLAIMS)
(GRUNTING)
(GROANS)
(SCREAMING)
MAN: (SINGING) For what he never knew
Now man's reign is through
But through the eternal night
The twinkling of starlight
So very far away
Maybe it's only yesterday
(EX CLAIMING)
In the year 2525
If man is still alive
(GRUNTS)
(EX CLAIMING)
(EXHALES)
Yeah.
Oh, my gosh.
Benjamin, you are so talented.
This is amazing.
So are you, Mom.
What's this?
I love you.
(JUDITH CRYING)
(SNAKE HISSING)
(WHOOPING)
(CARRY ON WA YWARD SON PLAYING)
MAN: (SINGING) Carry on my wayward son
There'll be peace when you are done
Lay your weary head to rest
Don't you cry no more
Once I rose above
the noise and confusion
Just to get a glimpse
beyond this illusion
I was soaring ever higher
But I flew too high
Though my eyes could see
I still was a blind man
Though my mind could think
I still was a madman
I hear the voices when I'm dreaming
I can hear them say
Carry on my wayward son
There'll be peace when you are done
Lay your weary head to rest
Don't you cry no more
Masquerading as a man with a reason
My charade is the event of the season
And if I claim to be a wise man
It surely means that I don't know
On a stormy sea of moving emotion
Tossed about,
I'm like a ship on the ocean
I set a course for winds of fortune
But I hear the voices say
Carry on my wayward son
There'll be peace when you are done
Lay your weary head to rest
- Don't you cry no more
- No!
(MOANING) Oh, yeah.