Generation P (2011) - full transcript

I am Neptune, the ruler of the seas and oceans, rivers, lakes, streams and wells.

Circling my vast possessions, I decided to visit this paradise

on the Black Sea.

- Once upon a time in Russia there really was a carefree,youthful generation

that smiled at the summer, the sea and the sun - and chose Pepsi.

In those days children were expected to direct their aspirations towards

a gleaming fireman's helmet or a doctor's white coat.

But, we lounged on the seashore, gazing endlessly at a cloudless blue horizon,

drank warm Pepsi-Cola decanted into glass bottles in the city of Novorossiisk,

and dreamed that some day the distant forbidden world

on the far side of the sea would be part of our own lives.



I was by default a member of Generation 'P'.

My name Babylen was composed from the title of

Yevtushenko's poem 'Baby Yar' and Vladimir Ilyich Lenin.

In a sense, I justified my name -

I entered the Literary Institute,

wrote verses and kept eyes fixed on eternity,

pretending that nothing was actually happening.

No sooner had eternity disappeared than I found myself in the present.

I had no contacts that could help me, so I took a job as a sales assistant in a trading kiosk.

The work was simple enough, but quite hard on the nerves.

In the evening I handed over the takings to Hussein,

a Chechen whose eyes were always oily from the opiates he took.

While I was working in the kiosk, I acquired two new qualities: The first was a cynicism

as boundless as the view from the Ostankino television tower.



- Hey, any complaints? - No. - The lack of complaints is not an excuse.

the second quality was something quite remarkable and inexplicable.

- One cigarette West, please. - I only had to glance at a customer's hands to know

whether I could short-change him and by exactly how much.

Hand over the cash.

46 000.

Life is a solitary journey, beneath a scorching sun or in then blistering cold.

Often the road we walk along leads to nowhere. and no one knows where death lies in wait.

Remembering this, everything in the world seems empty and meaningless.

And then - enlightenment.

Tuborg - be prepared for anything!

Yes.

A pack of Davidoff cigarettes, please.

Normal or lights?

Normal.

Listen, do you have condoms, good one, those which are not fake.

Durex. British quality. "Jaguar" of condoms.

Good slogan. How much?

145.

Fuck all the best!

- Babe? Is that you?

- Markovin?

Take the keys, I'm leaving.

Babe, this is a very special time.

There's never been a time like it and there never will be again.

It's a gold-rush, just like the Klondyke.

Yes, In another two years everything'll be all sewn up,

but right now there's a real chance to get in on the ground floor straight of the street.

Do you understand?

Well, you got there.

The process has started. Get in.

The only place where you can find really big money is advertising.

Most of the time it goes like this:

A guy borrows money on credit.

He uses the credit to rent an office and buy a Jeep Cherokee

and eight crates of Smimoff vodka.

When the Smimoff runs out,it turns out

the jeep's wrecked, the office is awash with puke and the loan is due for repayment.

If the bank the guy owes to is one of the mafia banks,

then some time or other he gets killed.

But I still don't see what all this has to do with advertising.

Now, the most important part.

When there's still about half the Smimoff left,

A highly specific chemical reaction occurs inside the head of that guy.

He develops this totally boundless megalomania

and orders himself an advertising clip.

At this moment we pop out of the bushes.

There are only a few studios that make the videos

and they're desperate for writers with nous.

OK, I'll call you back. Oh, Babylen Tatarsky.

- Hi. Meet Lena.

Tatarsky is your surname or nickname? - Surname.

- This is Sergey. Let's get straight to business.

- Babylen, the story is:

The mark's about fifty. Used to work as a teacher of physics.

Just when things started coming apart

he set up a co-operative baking bird's milk' cakes.

and in two years made so much money

that now he rents a half of Babaevsky confectionery plant.

Recently he took out a loan. ... A very big loan.

The day before yesterday he went on the booze.

Where do you get that kind of information?

His secretary is a friend of mine.

Yeah?

So anyway, we have to get to him with the scenario now,

before he has time to sober up. When he sobers up, he gets greedy.

- Oh, hi.

- Club jacket ... Put it on.

You have to hang this thing on your belt.

You're meeting the client at one, and at twenty past one I'll give you a call on the pager.

When it beeps,

take it off your belt and look at it like it's something important. Got it?

All the time the client's talking, keep making notes in the notebook.

Rolex... When you're talking with the client,flash it around a bit, you know.

Careful, you'll chip off the gold plate.

The plant is wonderful. But can we get straight to business.

What corporate positions you want to advertise?

Well, I don't know ... We bought trays with fluoride coating ...

Is it from Video International?

- No, those blockheads don't bother me any more, thank God.

It's Slava Zaitsev. It's all off for today.

Surely he doesn't think we're that desperate for his business ...

Let's talk about that later.

Excuse me.

Aren't you afraid that it could all just come to a full stop?

You know what kind of times these are. What if everything suddenly collapses?'

I'm afraid. Who isn't?

Have you totally lost your marbles, or what? Nobody asks questions like that.

it's all right. Now I know what he wants.

One generation passeth away and another generation cometh, but the Earth abideth for ever.

MEDIIS TEMPUSTATIBUS PLACIDUS. Calm in the midst of storms Lefortovo confectionery combine.

And so I became a copywriter.

I didn't bother to explain myself to any of my old bosses. I hope that Hussein received the keys of the kiosk.

there were rumours that the Chechens demanded serious compensation

when anyone left one of their businesses.

Hello. Yes, Andrei Ivanovich, i'm working. Creative as always.

There's always someone who cares, put your trust in our shares.

He didn't earn a really large amount of money, but even so it was more than he'd made in the retail trade.

That night at the Vernadsky Prospekt director of Lefortovo confectionery combine Mr. Zhilin was killed.

His Jeep Grand Cherokee was attacked in a drive-by shooting.

The investigation suggests that the murder of Mr. Zhilin related to his professional activities.

Criminal proceedings have begun.

Dear audience, we've got breaking-news from the besieged Parliament building.

As it became known, the Congress of People's Deputies

dismissed the Russian Federation President Boris Yeltsin.

Hi, girls! Hi, guys!

At the 13th page article with my photo.

Alexander Blo.

The Soviet mentality ... Yes, it must be squeezed out as a pimple, drop by drop.

What is a "Soviet mentality", in the old days I had possessed it myself, but I'd lost it completely

while working for a few years as a taxi-driver in New York.

As we say in the advertising business, the different "cultural references".

Bingo.

I didn't really understand completely what this Soviet mentality was.

But from the perspective of my new employer, Dmitry Pugin,

I wasn't supposed to understand anything anyway.

I was merely required to possess this mentality.

Look, the country hardly produces anything at all,

but people have to have something to eat and wear.

So, soon goods will start pouring in here from the West.

and massive amounts of advertising will come flooding in with them.

But it won't be possible

simply to translate this advertising from English into Russian,

Because of different... Cultural references ...

You and I get straight on the job well in advance. We prepare outline concepts

for all the serious brand-names.

Then, just as soon as the right moment comes,

we turn up at their offices with a folder under our arms and do business.

For a test-piece, try to develop an outline concept for Sprite they willing to penetrate the Russian market.

Given the numerous appeals to me from leaders of subdivisions of the Russian Federation,

groups of deputies, members of the Constitutional Council,

Russian citizens,

I have undertaken the following:

It is a well-known fact that in the countries of Eastern Europe Coca-Cola is more of an ideological fetish

than a refreshing soft drink.

If, for instance, Hershi drinks are positioned as possessing the'taste of victory',

then Coca-Cola possesses the 'taste of freedom'

In a few words.

OK.

Let us take a classic positioning slogan: 'Sprite - the Uncola'.

For the Russian consumer, therefore, the term 'Uncola' has extensive

anti-democratic and anti-liberal connotations,

which makes it highly attractive in conditions of military dictatorship.

Translated into Russian 'Uncola'would become 'Nye-Cola'.

The sound of the word (similar to the old Russian name 'Nikola') and the associations aroused by it

offer a perfect fit with the aesthetic required by the likely future scenario.

A possible version of the slogan:

SPRITE. THE NYE-COLA FOR NIKOLA

A possible text for an advertising clip:

Deep in the spring-time forest I drank my birch-bright Sprite.

"The Uncola" is Seven-Up's slogan, not Sprite's.

But that's OK. We can use it.

So you can consider you've passed the test.

Now try some other brand.

Which one?

It is quite clear that the first thing that has to be taken into consideration

in the development of advertising concept for

cigarettes Parliament, is...

Exactly what was the first thing that had to be taken into consideration was entirely unclear.

Parliament - Not "Java".

Tihamat. I once found this folder in the waste paper,

we used to be sent to collect after classes in school.

I was sensitive about my name, and whenever possible I introduced myself as Vova.

It appeared to be that the birth name

draw up with me when I had completely forgotten about the role

which, as I was telling friends,

secret doctrine of Babylon should have played in my life.

I was particularly inspired by the legend of the Great Lottery.

A more precise translation would be 'The Game without a Name'

According to tradition the path to wealth and to supreme wisdom

was via sexual union with a golden idol of the goddess Ishtar.

Any inhabitant of Babylon could become the goddess's husband.

To achieve this he had to drink

ritual drink prepared from the heavenly fly-agarics,

then ascend the ziggurat and guess Three Riddles of the goddess.

Riddles of Ishtar were three symbolic objects

that were handed to a Babylonian who wished to become a Chaldean.

He had to interpret the significance of these items.

Anybody who got even one of the riddles wrong

was pushed over the edge of the ziggurat to certain death by the soldiers of the guard.

The man who answered all three riddles correctly

would ascend to the summit and meet the goddess,

following which he became her ritual earthly husband.

Gireiev!

Tatarsky?

Listen, you've changed so much! How are you?

I am in perfect harmony. How are you? Are you in a hurry?

I'm going through a difficult period right now.

Communicating mostly with businessmen and advertisers.

The stress is just incredible.

A couple of those businessmen came to see me

last winter.

Wanted to expand their consciousness.

Afterwards they ran off barefoot across the snow.

Come with me, you will see what I mean.

In his crazy gear Gireiev seemed like the final fragment of some lost universe -

not the Soviet universe, because that didn't contain any wandering Tibetan astrologers,

but some other world that had existed in parallel with the Soviet one,

even in contradiction of it, and had perished together with it.

- What's that? - Fly-agarics.

Are you going to drink that?

Don't worry, there aren't any brown ones.

In ancient Babylon, people also prepared this potion,

besides fly-agarics it included 'the urine of a red donkey'

That's right. To mitigate it.

- What do I do now? - Whatever you like.

- Is it OK to talk? - Try it.

Have you heard what happened to Lyosha Chikunov?

You know, he drank several bottles of Finlandia vodka

and then frozen to death one starry January night in the toy house on a children's playground.

Gone to Valhalla, Scandinavian warriors paradise.

Is there any more?

The taste of the dried fly-agarics reminds

of potato chips, except that it is nicer.

What if we start selling them in packets like potato chips?

What's that?

It is Hum. That's how I travel.

Where to?

Where?... It is hard to explain.

Ohm-m-m-m ...

When you don't think, lots of things become clear.

Аdvertising concept for fly-agarics.

The supreme form of self-realisation for fly-agarics is an atomic explosion -

something like the glowing non-material body

that certain advanced mystics acquire.

Human beings were simply a subsidiary form of life

that the fly-agarics exploited in order to achieve their supreme goal.

This is very weird.

Chikunov's dead, and we're alive. Only I suspect that

every time we lie down and sleep, we die just the same way.

Death just means the replacement of the usual morning wakening

with something else,

something quite impossible even to think about.

Because our mind and our world

are the same thing.

That means there is no death.

Because the threads disappear, but the sphere remains!

Why?

Yes, because spheads reppear, but threre dismains!

What?

Li'd dratinker wike of wit!

Confusion of tongues ​​called the Tower of Babel!

They probably drank that mushroom tea

and the words began to break apart in their mouths, just like mine.

Stan gou thecation totet yell he mow?

There trun rewains?

Don't be a fool! Don't act like a fool, bitch!

- Trure thrun wareins? - Don't be daft!

What if I met Hussein now, I wonder if he'd be scared?

What did you want?

I just need a second. I wanted to ask you,

as a representative of the target group:

what associations does the word "parliament" have for you?

There is a poem called "The Parliament of Birds".

It's about how thirty birds flew off in search of the bird that is called Semurg -

the king of all birds and a great master.

How did it all end?

When they had endured thirty trials,

they learned that the word "Semurg" means "thirty birds".

But what is the Tower of Babel?

The creation of the pillar,

and not the construction, namely the creation.

When there is a confusion of tongues, then the Tower of Babel starts to rise.

Or maybe it's just that the entrance to the ziggurat opens up.

Yes, of course. There's the entrance right there.

Nothing's quite as simple as it seems.

Still, it must be a multi-storey carpark.

Onwards to hanging gardens!

Three Riddles of Ishtar. It all fits.

The poster consists of a photograph of the embankment of the river Moscow.

In the foreground - the bridge on which the historic tanks stood in October '93.

On the site of the Parliament building we see a huge pack of Parliament.

Palms are growing profusely all around it.

Slogan:

Sweet and dear Is the smoke of our Motherland. Parliament.

Brilliant, Tatarsky! You hit the bull's-eye!

Pack of Parliament already costs the same as a pack of Marlboro.

And after these events, I think it will cost twice as much.

Congratulations.

And so there exist two methods for advertising shares, but, in our opinion,

before the campaign begins it would make good sense to think about changing the name of the firm.

"TAMPAKO" - a drink made from tampons?

Agents of Rosgosstrakh fly over the city and help people in need -

guardian angels!

Start the Diesel-themed couplets (chastushka):

(verse) Ivan Ilyich and I worked on a diesel train,

I'm asshole, and he is asshole, So, our train was stolen.

That's it - the youth is ours!

Here is the script of advertising clip.

A young man with a serious expression on his face

sits on a bench in the square. Change of camera angle:

A well-dressed man with a depraved face emerges from the mansion

and looks around in a frightened manner, then he runs to the car.

The young man drops 2 Tic Tacs in the palm of his hand

throws them in his mouth and closes his eyes with pleasure.

Voice-over:

Bro preferred coolness, but fried all the others.

Tic Tac Menthol. The real taste explosion!

- Hello? - Good morning.

This is Vladimir Khanin from the "Privy Counsellor" agency.

I was left your number by Dima Pugin.

Could we maybe get together some time today? Right away would be best.

What's happened?

Dima's no longer with us.

I know you worked with him,

and he worked with me. So indirectly we're acquainted.

But how did it happen?

The robbery had obviously been an inside job,

the thief must have known

that Pugin had worked as a taxi-driver in New York.

46th and Broadway.

That was all he had managed to tell the police and the doctors.

Seven bullet wounds had been found in his body. Seven.

they'd fired straight through the back of his seat.

One for the departed.

And now let's get to grips with your latest works

if you have no objection.

I presume you've understood that Dima was bringing them to me?

As far as Parliament is concerned I must admit, it's good.

Yes, but... here I see you've got problems. Serious problems.

"Tampako". They took serious offense at one of your pieces of advice.

But the name Tampako really is appalling.'

You know that this business of ours is a lottery.

Just recently you haven't been doing too well in that lottery.

And I know why.

Why?

You don't believe in what you do. Your heart isn't in it.

No, it isn't. Of course it isn't. What do you expect?

Do you want me to give my heart to Tampako?

here's not a single whore on Pushkin Square would do that.

OK, just drop the pose.

No, don't get me wrong. We're all in the same frame nowadays, right?

So why do I say not a single whore would do it? Not because I'm disgusted.

It's just that a whore always collects her money every time -

whether she pleased the client or not.

but I have to ...

You know what I mean.

There's no way any whore would work on those terms.

A whore might not, but we will,

if we want to survive in this business.

And we'll go even further than that.

Will you work for me full-time?

- What as? - A creative.

Is that a writer? Translated into ordinary Russian?

We don't need any fucking writers here.

A creative, Babelen, a creative.

Meet - Babylen Tatar! Please love and favor.

"Every brand has its bend". What's this?

Bend. That's the way we translate the expression "brand essence".

Brand essence is ...

the concentrated expression of a comprehensive image policy.

The Marlboro brand essence is...

Country of fucking real cowboys and oppressed indigenous peoples.

Do not be afraid. This is Malyuta. Malyuta, say "Hi".

Well done, good boy.

Sergeant in our platoon was called Harley.

A real bull of a man.

But he took to the drink.

- Why'd he do that? - You know.

No one gives a Russian a chance these days.

Just how long can the Davidsons keep riding the Harleys?

Russia, awake!

This is parody, Malyuta?

You know, Tatarsky, I have seen your works.

Your concept for Sprite is good,

and all the other works are nothing special.

Stop playing to Atlantic values.

We are Eurasians!

A small Vietnamese village.

We see the last American prisoners of war.

On the table in front of them there are Nike runners

in various stages of completion.

At first prisoners murmur quietly, then they start banging on the tables with the half-glued runners.

"We demand a meeting with the American consul!! Consul!"

Suddenly a burst of automatic rounds is fired,

The tall, handsome Vietnamese appears in the doorway, with a smoking automatic in his hands.

And says in perfect English:

"Jasta do ita! Nike. Good wins!"

Bravo!

And... what is that?

And you think the advertisers would like it?

we are the one who explains to the customers what they like and what they don't.

Tell me why does any advertiser give us an ad?

Well ... To sell product.

That's in America - to sell product.

Then so he can feel like a big-shot.

Yes, but that was three years ago. Things are different now.

Nowadays the client wants to show the big guys

who keep a careful eye

on what's happening on screen and in real life

that he can take a million dollars

and simply throw it in the trash.

And the worse his advert is, the better.

- Complicated. - Sure it is!

There's more to it than reading your Al Rice.

Hello...

What sizes do you have?

There's only one left. Just your size. 3000 rubles.

I take it.

What are those things up there?

That's a ouija board.

You put the paper in through here. In this slot here you put a pen.

You put your hands on it like this, see?

Then you enter into contact with the spirit and just let your hands move however they want.

The pen will write out the text that's received.

Listen, please don't be angry,

I really want to know - what spirit am I supposed to contact?

I'll tell you if you're buying.

I take it. How much? - 17 000.

Oh, 17 000 ...

What kind of job are you in? What do you do?

Advertising.

Yeah. It would be best for you to avoid any contacts.

That approach will be less offensive to the spirits.

Interesting...

But how will the spirits guess that I'm in advertising?

Is it written on my forehead or something?

No. It's written in the adverts that came out of your forehead.

I summon the spirit of Che Guevara.

I'd like to know ... let's say,

something new about advertising, in order to understand more than anybody else.

Comrade, the future depends on you!

From the standpoint of bourgeois thought,

every man is a cell of an organism, which is called Economy.

But we call it simply ORANUS. Which translates into Russian as "moutharse".

Each of these cells,

that is, each individual, when regarded as an economic entity -

possesses a kind of social membrane

that allows money to pass into and out of the cell.

This process is controlled by the nervous system of Oranus -

TV and mass media.

Person's identity is gradually displaced

and individual becomes a programme watching another television programme.

There are three types of pulses

transmitted by Oranus throughout its virtual organism:

oral, anal and displacing wow-impulses.

from the commercial ejaculation 'wow!

Homo homini lupus est, as one inspired Latin saying has it.

But man has long ceased being a wolf to man.

Man is not even an image-maker,

not the dealer, not a killer and not an exclusive distributor to man.

as some modern sociologists assume.

It is all far more terrifying and much simpler than that.

Man is wow to man.

Or if not to man, but to precisely another such wow.

So, projected on to the modem system of cultural coordinates

the Latin saying becomes:

Wow Wow Wow!

One Smirnoff vodka, please.

You've got the shakes bad. Snorting?

A bit. Just now and again.

It's disgusting,

the mucous membrane of the nose - it's as good as the exposed surface of the brain.

And where that powder came from and who's been sticking his body parts in it?

Did you ever think about that? Life should be lived cleanly.

Oh, yes? And how's that done?

Nothing but LSD.

Only via the empty gut and always with a prayer.

I'll be damned.Look at all those different ones.

- And you mean they all have different effects? - Yeah.

But why?

Well, the most important thing is the drawing.

There's no getting away from the fact

that you're swallowing Mel Gibson or red carnation, get it?

These three here all the same, what are they?

Who's this drawn on them? With the beard and the cap?

Who it is that's drawn on them I don't know. But it's really wild stuff.

The difference is the acid's mixed with a metabolic.

And the dose in them is enough for a whole platoon of soldiers.

- How much? - 150.

All I've got left is a 150.

Well, OK.

Do you want to die? Sirruf has arrived.

- What d'you mean? - Just what I say.

Do you at least realise that was a pass for five people?

And you're here alone. Or are there really five of you?

Please, don't do that to me again.

I've made a mistake.

I realise it's not right to look at the Tower of Babel.

But I didn't...

You can't see the Tower of Babel, you can only ascend it

I tell you that as its guardian.

And what you saw was a tofet.

What's a tofet?

It's a place of sacrificial cremation.

I don't understand.

You can regard the tofet as an ordinary TV.

- Do you mean I was inside a television? - In a certain sense.

You saw the technological space in which your world is being consumed by fire.

The fire in which you burn has to be maintained.

And you are one of the service personnel.

Service personnel?

You are a copywriter, aren't you?

That means you are one of those

who force people to gaze into the consuming fire.

You must admit that, it's better to warm yourself by the fire,

than to burn in it.

Listen, I'm in trouble. I've done too much acid.

Gireiev: In cases like that I recite a mantra.

Om melafefon bva kha sha.

- On-em-em-e-l. - What does it mean?

That's not important. Have you got any vodka?

Om melafefon bva ha sha, jm melafefon...

bva kha sha.

Om melafefon ...

Om melafefon bva kha sha.

Om melafefon bva kha sha.

Om melafefon bva kha sha.

Oh no, Gireiev, this mantra of yours isn't doing the business.

I have sinned greatly against Thee, O Lord.

I live a bad life, a wrong one.

But in my soul there are no abominable desires, cross my heart.

I'll never eat any of that junk again. I. .. I ...

I only want to be happy, and I just can't manage it.

Perhaps it's what I deserve.

I can't do anything else except write bad slogans.

But for Thee, oh Lord, I'll write a good one - honest I will.

They do position Thee quite wrongly.

They haven't got a clue.

Take that latest clip, where they're collecting money for that church.

There's this old woman standing there with a box,

and first someone driving an old jalopy puts in a rouble

and then someone driving a Mercedes drops in a hundred bucks. The idea's clear enough,

but in terms of positioning it's way off beam.

The guy in the Mercedes wouldn't wait in the queue of jalopies. A blind horse could see it.

And the target group we need is all those guys in their Mercedes.

Theme for a clip:

Long white limousine against the background including the Cathedral of Christ the Savior.

The back door opened, the light hits out of it.

Out of light appears sandal, which is slightly touches asphalt

and the hand lying on the door handle.

we do not see the face. Only light, arm and leg.

Slogan: "Respectable Lord for respectable gentlemen."

Dost Thou like it. Lord?

Hello?

- Babe? How're you doing? - So-so.

- Did you get by OK? - More or less.

Why don't you just tell me what that mantra was you gave me?

It's not a mantra. It's a sentence in Hebrew from a textbook.

It means "Please give me another cucumber".

A natural born mantra.. And if you put "hum" at the end as well...

OK, Cheers.

I'm going out for some beer.

Citizens come closer to trucks!

Put your flags and banners in the truck!

Now, everybody take guns! Young man, take the gun!

Let's get rid of the Democratic bastard!

Bring Yeltsin's gang to justice! Bring Yeltsin's gang to justice!

Come on.

And why couldn't you just explain what was going on?

Why'd you just drop off the keys?

I had a heavy drinking session.

What are you up to nowadays?

- Working. - Where would that be?

- Who's that? - Just a friend of mine.

He's got nothing to do...

Hello.

who am I talking to?

Khanin? How do you do, Khanin.

Who am I?

My name is Hussein, I'm calling from the Caucasian Friendly Society.

So that's where you got to, you bitch!

Wanted to hide, did you? Keeping out of sight, were you, you fucking merchant?

Hey now, don't get carried away. He's a merchant, OK, but he's my merchant.

What? Yours? He was my merchant when you were still herding cows in the mountains.

I didn't herd cows in the mountains, I herded bulls.

And bulls like you don't bother me any more than they did. I'll soon set a ring through your nose, better believe it.

What did you say? What ring?

This one.

All right. We'll meet tomorrow to discuss it. Ten o'clock in the evening.

I take the young guy. He's one of mine. Come on.

Let me introduce you. Babe Tatarsky, one of our best specialists.

And this is Wee Vova, almost your namesake.

Also known as the Nietzschean.

Ah, that's all a load of crap. That was a long time ago.

He's our protection. You've got a commission from him to develop a concept.

Listen carefully to what he has to say.

Tell me. When you're abroad, d'you feel humiliated?

I've never been abroad.

And good for you. Cause if you do go you will.

I tell you straight - over there they don't reckon we're people at all.

They think we're all shit and animals.

But why do they treat us like that? What d'you think?

Because we watch their films,

ride their wheels, even eat their fodder.

And we don't produce nothing, 'cept for mazuma...

Which is still only their dollars, whichever way you look at it.

I ain't no economist, but I got a gut feeling

something's rotten here, somehow something somewhere don't add up.

It's just that we've lost our roots for the time being 'cause of all this crap that's going down.

But what we are, is Russia!

Makes you frightened to think of it! A great country!

Do you agree with me?

Well...

You tell him what the job is. He's my senior creative.

A minute of his time costs more than the two of us earn in a week.

OK, listen up and I'll lay it out for you just like counting on my fingers.

Our national business is expanding into the international market.

Out there there's all kinds of mazuma doing the rounds - Chechen, American, Columbian - you get the picture.

And if you look at them like mazuma, then they're all the same.

But in actual fact behind every kind of mazuma there's a national idea.

We used to have this communism stuff.

Now that's all over, and there's no idea left at all 'cept for mazuma.

But there's no way you can have nothing but mazuma behind mazuma, right?

Cause then there's just no way to understand why some mazuma's up front and some's in behind, right?

Spot on. Listen and leam. Babe.

The Chechens have one, but we don't.

That's why they look at us like we're shit.

There's got to be some clear, simple Russian idea,

so's we can lay it out for any bastard from any of their Harvards.

So that I could explain them:

one-two, tickety-boo, and screw all that staring.

So's they won't think...

all we've done in Russia is heist the money and put up a steel door.

So's they can feel the same kind of spirit

like in '45 at Stalingrad, you get me?

So there you go.

At first the task hadn't seemed very complicated,

but once I'd sat down to it I'd been horrified to realise

there wasn't a single idea in my head.

Fyodor Dostoyevsky, tell me, what is the Russian national idea?

An appeal to the spirit of Dostoievsky, in whom I had placed especially high hopes,

did evoke certain interesting side-effects.

Although, of course, I could console myself with the thought

that the idea I was seeking was so transcendent

that this was the only way it could be expressed on paper.

Come in, come in.

I've written it. As best I could.

But I think I screwed up, and it's not something you should give to Wee Vova.

- In general ... - Forget it.

Wee Vova's been taken out.

- How? - Dead easy.

Yesterday he had a shoot-out with the Chechens.

Those bastards dug a trench on the hill opposite during the night

And as soon as he turned up they blasted him with a pair of "bumble-bee" flame-throwers.

Нou know what it is? It is fearsome fucking thing.

Wee's car was armour-plated,

but armour's only good against normal people, not these abortions...

But what does it mean for us, in a practical sense?

Leave. Indefinite leave.

- I already had two calls since the morning. - The police?

Yeah. And then from the Caucasian Friendly Society.

"We know you've got diamonds," they said.

What kind of diamonds have I got? Tell me that. What diamonds have I got?

I don't know,

OK, relax.

Just carry on living, loving, working... Hello?

Yes, he is here. He is coming. There's someone waiting for you in the waiting room.

- Hi. - Hi.

What a face, Babe! Do you need a job?

Yes I do.

Let's go then.

Wow ... What a car!

- Do you like it? - Sure.

It turns on oral wow-factor.

Yes, it does. It's the only reason to drive it.

Wow! Wow! Wow!

Listen, where are we going?

I don't want to spoil the impression.

Just act natural. But don't go saying too much.

What exactly does "too much" mean?

What you just said is a good example.

Don't worry about looking stupid, Babylen.

In fact, be careful not to seem too smart.

And pile on the cynicism.

Join the club.

We're old members.

- Wow. - You like it?

Of course, Patek Philippe Possession, if I'm not mistaken?

I think it costs 170 thousand dollars?

Patek Philippe? Yes, so it is!

There's nothing that identifies someone as belonging to the lower classes of society so clearly

as knowing all about expensive watches and cars.

Don't teach us. Come on.

Well, what do you think?

Excellent. Simply excellent!

One thing I don't understand, is why all this fancy technology?

It's all very elegant, but isn't it a bit unusual!

Didn't you see the sign on our premises? The Institute of Apiculture?

Well then. Here we are, making like bees.

Stop. So, you wait with alla.

- OK. - I'll have a word with the man.

Have a seat. Come on, Have a seat.

- Leonid Azadovsky. - Vladimir Tatarsky.

You're no Vladimir; you're called Babylen. I know all about it.

I've had a look at your work

and I liked it.

Only in a few places ... I don't completely believe it.

Here, for instance; you write about the "collective unconscious".

Do you actually know what that is?

At the unconscious collective level.

Aren't you afraid someone might turn up who knows exactly what it is?

No, Mr Azadovsky, I'm not afraid of that.

and the reason I'm not is that for a long time now everyone who knows

what the "collective unconscious" is

has been selling cigarettes outside the metro.

One way or another, I mean.

Is there anything at all you believe in?

No.

Well, that's good.

What's next ... Political views.

It says "upper left" in English. I don't get it.

Fuck, soon every document we have'll be written in English.

So what are your political views?

Marketer, quite radical.

And more specifically?

More specifically... Let's just say

I like it when life has big tits,

but I'm not in the slightest bit excited

by the so-called Kantian tit-in-itself,

no matter how much milk there might be splashing about in it.

So keep looking!

What was that about titsr? Only keep it short?

To cut it short, On the tit market the only tit that gives me a buzz is

the Feuerbachian tit-for-us.

That's what I think too.

Even if it's not so big,

so long as it's Feuerbachian.

Now that's what I wanted to hear! And the control shot?

Great!

Ow!

Op-pa-pa-param ...

- 'What's that? - Rostropovich.

Come on, Take hold of his paws and pull them apart. Like a little Jesus.

A hamster of God Rostropovich is awarded!

- What did he get the medal for? - I'm in a good mood.

Why, are you jealous?'

Why does he have such a strange name?

You know what,Babylen, Rostropovich could ask you the same thing.

- D'you think I could... - Shit-stupid question.

Crazy, where you go? Can't you see that I'm washing the floor?

Sorry. This Institute is really good.

It happens so often: you step outside on a summer's morning

and come face to face with this immense, beautiful world hastening on its way to some unknown destination

and filled with mysterious promise, and the blue sky is awash with happiness,

and suddenly your heart is pierced by a feeling, compressed into a single split second,

that there life is in front of you and you can follow it on down the road without a backwards glance,

gamble on yourself and win,

go coursing across life's seas on a white speedboat

and hurtling along her roads in a white Mercedes

and nobody will ever dare to use that American word 'loser' about you.

Excuse me, please.

Excuse me, soldier, can you tell me this road leads to city center?

Kandahar was way heavier!

I beg your pardon.

What a fucker, And they want to build a market economy with people like that.

So who will you believe -

the heartless advertising or your own family doctor?

Take it.

Just look at it fizz! So that's what an upgrade can do...

It used to take two days to render a report like this,

but now we do it in a single night,

which means we can program more gestures and facial expressions.

But what is it we render?

Azadovsky said you like life to have big tits,

Hey, Arkasha, Don't laugh now, but we'll have to go again.

Well, this is the biggest of the lot.

Try another shot to loosen you up.

So far it's still kind of tight.

- How many more times? - Who's that?

That's Arkady. He used to do Shakespeare at the Young People's Theatre.

But what does he do?

You'll see in a moment.

What are those washers he's got on him?

Those are sensors.

When Arkasha moves, we record their trajectory,

superimpose it on the model and...

When you lower your arm, make it grander, more majestic.

Listen, why do we show him pissed if he's only virtual?

Improves the channel's ratings.

Never tried to figure out why it's forty thousand a minute during prime time news?

Render-server 100/400.

It can render up to one hundred primary and four hundred secondary politicians.

You say the Americans are doing the same?

Sure. But scriptwriters are ten times as good.

Just look what rounded characters they write.

Yeltsin, Zyuganov, Zhirinovsky.

As good as Chekhov. The Three Sisters.

But it's such a massive scam.

Aagh, no, please, not that.

By his very nature every politician is just a television broadcast.

Those who move - semi-stiffs.

And those who do not move - stiffs.

- Tuborg, please. - Two.

So copywriters write all their texts for them, but who sets a mission?

And who decides which way national policy's going to move tomorrow? Oligarchs?

The oligarchs are also our clients.

Half of them gave control over their lifes to us.

We make them to go to cocktail parties. Show them in the news.

We even fuck their wives, figuratively speaking.

What do you mean?

Wait a minute, what about all the people who see them every day?

I am Farsuk Farseikin.

There's a special service for that called The People's Will.

More than a hundred of them, former state security agents, and all Azadovsky's men.

That's their job:

to go around telling people they've just seen our leaders.

One at his three-storey dacha, one with an under-age whore,

one in a yellow Lamborghini on the Rubliovskoe Highway.

Then what's holding the whole lot up?

Ouch! What are you doing?

Don't you ever, not ever, think about that!

Oh! Can you turn on the sound?

My motherland gives me, For getting it right

My fill of her fizzy,

My son made this clip. I haven't seen it yet.

Her birch-bright Sprite!

Her birch-bright Sprite!

Motherfuckers.

Who?

If only I knew...

Blo!

- Hi. - You're here too?

- In the dirt department? - How d'you know?

That's where everybody starts out. Till they get their hand in.

So what're you doing now?

I'm head of the Russian Idea department. There, in the wing.

Ah, yes I see.

Drop in if you have any ideas, alright?

I'm not much good to you.

I tried thinking about it, but it was a flop.

You should try driving around the suburbs and asking the guys on the street.

I tried that at the beginning.

You pour the vodka, look into their eyes, and then it's always the same answer:

"Bugger off and crash your fucking Mercedes!"

Can't think of anything cooler than a Mercedes...

And it's all so destructive. Is it yours?

Yes it is.

- 40 minutes of embarrassment gets you to work.. - Huh?

Come on, Everything's still ahead of you.. Bye.

Replace "Judea" with "democracy" and add some black rhetoric.

- It will be very topical. - Malyuta!

What you are doing here?

I write the image menu for the whole cabal.

Have you ever heard of pelmeni with kapusta? Or kvass with khrenok?

Those are my hits.

You know each other?

Oh, we worked together at Khanin's place.

So you shouldn't have any problems working together.

Yes, in Mother Russia, Monopoly's a bit dicey.

You buy a couple of streets, and then it turns out there are people living on them.

Often people actually think the streets are theirs.

That's not quite how it is.

Nowadays people find out what they think from the television.

So if you want to buy up a couple of streets and still sleep well,

first you have to buy a TV tower.

I'm selling off my TV announcer, I don't like television.

I'm buying.

What's wrong, Salaman? I'll start getting worried if you keep this up.

Of course my head isn't armour-plated, that's obvious.

But then neither is yours, as you know very well.

And my protection are all over the place... Aha... That's what they told you on your radio?

They wrote in Forbes magazine that you grasp everything instantly.

But every person who catches everything instantly, -

wrote Forbes, -

should be prepared to situation in which someone would

instantly catch him.

Your people are already neutralized.

You subscribe to Forbes.

Why not? Chechnya's part of Europe now.

If you're so cultured, then why you grab the gun?

Let's talk like two European, Without all this barbarism?

Go on then.

Tell me, by the way, who is it filming us with that hidden camera?

What camera?

What's that briefcase over there on the window sill?

Ah, spawn of Satan.

Hey, Tatarsky, where do you work?

In Berezovsky's "LogoVAZ" PR department,

or in my dirt squad?

In the dirt squad.

If we didn't produce Berezovsky ourselves,

I might imagine you were being paid by him.

And who's this Raduev of yours? Some kind of professor of theology?

He reads magazines even I've never heard of.

But there has to be some development of the plot, some logic...

I don't want logic, I want dirt.

And this isn't dirt, it's just plain shit. Understand?

But in general, there is a certain healthy core to it.

The first plus is that it makes you hate television. You want to watch it and hate it...

The second plus is that game of Monopoly.

- Was that your own idea? - Yes.

That works.

Terrorist and oligarch dividing up the people's wealth at the gaming table...

The punters'll go raging mad at that.

- But isn't it a bit too... - No.

The most important thing is to keep brains occupied and feelings involved.

So this move with the Monopoly is OK.

It'll improve the news rating by five per cent at least. Sit down.

To cut it short, let them play Monopoly

and you tell the producer to inter-cut it with shots of

queues for the savings bank, miners, old women, hungry children,

wounded soldiers. That's it.

Right, listen to the doctor's orders. Morkovin,

you give him Malyuta, who writes about geopolitics for reinforcements.

And do it now, urgent material.

What have we got next?

Ads for televisions. A new type.

Get on with it. There's still twenty minutes to go.

Rus-si-a - mo-ther-land.

Kol'-ya O-go-rod-ni-kov.

What you think?

What was that? And what product is advertised?

Yes, what product?

Pickles.

There's one thing you don't understand. Only one thing.

We implement patriotism, not prickles.

Sensation: Secret negotiations of Raduyev and Berezovsky.

You will see the oligarch and a terrorist planing to monopolize

natural resources and human consciousness,

what disasters they are preparing for Russia.

Today at 22:00 in analytical program "Farseikin".

This is twenty from Berezovsky,

Wow!

ten from Raduev and another two from the Chechens.

Listen, I don't understand.

They give us the money in order we to compromise them?

Ouch! You again?

I told you: Don't think of that! Never think of that!

If we are getting money, it means that someone is interested in our work?

But to pinch yourself is something that you should do on your own.

Just as something comes to your mind, pinch or prick yourself with something sharp.

You know, I've got a safety pin specially for that.

I carry it since 1996.

If something comes to my mind, I just open it ...

And - Bang! Bang! Bang!

- What.. - That's it.

Hush!

I'll explain. I'll explain everything.

Who edited Ivanov the last time?

Seva, as usual. What's happened?

You changed Ivanov's cigarettes, bitch! It's you!

You wanted to inter-cut it with Chirac, anti-American coalition.

Whom you're lying to, you bastard! Whom you're lying to?

We've got a two-year contract with Camel!

And you're making black PR secretly?

Wait I've got something important to tell you...

Take him away!

Wait! I want to say something... Something very important!

Have you watched the material?

I have. He waves the pack around all through the interview.

When's the next broadcast?

- Tomorrow. - What can we do?

Well, thieves, got your money, yes? And you too, eh! And you!

Exchange Camel for Gitanes!

Go ahead, otherwise I'll kill you! Really kill you!

Go away!

Go!

Any ideas?

Perhaps, we could put the arm in plaster, so we get rid of the pack.

Exactly. An assassination attempt.

They tried to blow him up in his car.

What'll we say in the news?

As little as possible. Clues pointing to Chechens.

- So. - The Islamic factor.

OK.

The bomber on the old Mercedes bumps in the car.

This is brilliant, but where'll we get an old Mercedes by 10 am?

- Maybe, Zhiguly? - Yes, I ...

What? We can't use Zhiguly.

Mercedes SS. To be sure!

Nobody is cutting expenditures during celebration.

I've seen white Mercedes in the parking lot.

There's someone here who drives one.

Come on, come on.

- Give me the keys. - The seat-covers are new. Maybe...

Are you fucking crazy? Seat-covers? What are you thinking about?

So, now you are going out to film car accident between "Mercedes" and "Volga".

Take that arse-hole Seva,

put him in the driver's seat and blow him up.

Make sure there's blood and scraps of flesh.

Today at the Taras Shevchenko embankment

an assassination attempt was made on General Ivanov,

when he was going to attend the meeting in Parliament.

Mercedes, full of explosives smashed into Volga.

General miraculously survived, but his driver was killed ...

Criminal proceedings initiated.

I think that all the evidence found at crime scene

are pointing to Chechen terrorists.

However, you will see, exclusive material, on our channel ...

This week, in Murmansk

nuclear cruiser The Idiot will slide down the slipway.

Its keel was laid to mark the hundred and fiftieth anniversary

of the birth of Fedor Mikhailovich Dostoievsky.

- Today in the State Duma ...

Listen, yesterday I saw Azadovsky in another two clips.

I see him every time I turn on the TV.

What does it all mean? Does he just like being filmed?

Yes, it's a weakness of his.

My advice to you is not to stick your nose into that for the time being.

Some time maybe you'll find out all about it. All right?

All right.

Turn on the TV. Urgent work, we have a crisis:

Seva deleted the entire government.

What do you mean?

He wrote a program that would delete the entire directory

at the end of the month, and he planted it in Kirienko's file.

After that the program infected the entire government.

Then everything defaulted.

Before his death he tried to say something important.

It's a pity that the bastard had such an easy death.

Get dressed, driver is waiting for you downstairs.

Radio: (verse) No icons, no Berdyaev, no "Third Eye" technique,

would save us from bad guys, who have seized oil and gas!

Advertising Service of "Russian radio".

And now, breaking news on the "Russian Radio".

We just received a message from the Kremlin.

President Yeltsin signed a decree on dismissal of the government of prime-minister Kiriyenko.

A new prime minister has not yet been approved.

We can say that currently there is no government in Russia.

So.

Babylen Vladimirovich, how should people live, if they don't believe in anything at all?

If you've got good conscience

you will give up a seat to an old lady in metro, yeah?

Well, that's the truth of our life, eh?

As it is said: "Strong help the weak", right?

And we say - no. If you strong - oppress the weak.

If you rich give to the poor. And we say - no.

Grab all and hire security, to keep money safe.

You're marry fellow, Nicholai.

Babylen Vladimirovich, a marry fellow is in my pants!

- Maybe give a hint on revolution? - What?

- Well, we will show something. - Show what?

Well, something usual, in such cases - "Swan Lake".

Yeah, awesome!

By the way, according to prediction of Ilyin, Russia to revive authoritarian regime,

nationalistic in its mood. Do you understand what that means?

No, I do not understand.

We're the third Rome, which tellingly is on the Volga.

Hence our total historical self-sufficiency.

and national dignity.

Yes, yes. that's neat.

What?

Well, do you remember that Philotheus said that "a fourth there will not be"?

And Jesus said: "And to drink that day".

And didn't say which day.

So let us drink every day, so that not to miss that day.

Why you get pissed off all the time, little motherfucker? You didn't propose anything yet.

And I ... propose a toast in your honor Marlen.

For your dull mind!

What do you want? What do you want? Fucking spy?

You're tough guy, yeah?

- What did you say? What did you say? - OK, guys, calm down!

- Easy, Easy, Easy! Put away your hands...

- What? - Calm down!

Relax! Quiet!

- Quiet! - That's it!

Nice discharge, eh?

Yes it is!

That's it. If we go, than we go all the way.

Yes, we should give people the show, then they will forget about everything:

they'll forget about mothers, about fathers, about work, about wifes.

And most important thing - they will forget about the government, eh?

By the way, a good fight can replace government.

But who is such a tough guy?

- Huh? - You didn't understand anything, right?

We can create him ourelves, can we?

Yes we can. We just need images.

Yeah. We will draw him, and then we will place him to Kremlin, if we want to.

We're looking at the poor man, right? We say: Oh, I know, he is liar!

I saw this program on TV - It's the Mafia.

Just give him 50 cents, even if he is really a liar!

Lord. Why you always believe in what TV box says to you?

Real mafia is just a few guys

sitting at the joystick and manipulating us!

They won't take over.

This is Kolya - our prototype.

Kolya, we need you for our campaign.

I'm not a "Snickers" I don't need any promotion.

- Name, name, name. - Ivanov?

Sucks.

- Vasilyev? - No, Vasya Podberezovikov.

What about Smirnov?

A good Russian name,

and most importantly - the world's leading brand.

During the election campaign

we begining an advertising campaign of vodka Smirnoff,

that will help to invade the city with Smirnoff vodka banners.

Nostrils a little anxious. No, no, not here.

Movement must be more confident. Much more confident than in real life.

Yeah. And now spin it.

Don't worry, all problems will be solved.

Don't worry, all problems will be solved.

- Excellent. - Good looker. Apollo.

Almost finished.

Attacker appeared to be a former military pilot, Nikolai Smirnov,

we found him in the vehicle ...

Nicholai, why are you started to fight?

Yes, I can't stand these ugly bureaucratic faces.

You're planning to go to politics or maybe you're afraid?

Don't talk to me this way, of course I'm not afraid ?

Communist Party remains the leader.

According to new data by 14 hours 24% of people voted for it.

Add him a mustache and medal.

Add more women.

Sveta, I asked you not to call in working hours.

Why is he smiling like an idiot? Take away the smile!

My friends, being a little Siberian boy I couldn't imagine

that someday I will be at the helm of such a huge colossus.

But with a team as mine, I'm not afraid even of the devil himself.

Incredible.

People wouldn't even understand that it's not Tampax we're promoting; it's alarm and uncertainty.

And then - bam! Smirnoff, the only way to stop unconscious anxiety.

You're fuckin' genius, Babe.

- Hello.

Markovin, Look quick to the left.

D'you know what it is?

Oh, that... Azadovsky recently told me.

They started building an Air Defence station here. Early warning or some such thing.

Then, you know, there was no one left to warn.

What's this station we're going to called?

"Rastorguevo". This is classic dirty beer-hall near Moscow.

Leonid likes to drink beer here at weekends. So's he can really appreciate what he's achieved in life.

Hello, people! Well, how are you doing?

OK guys take this.

Babe, there's something I want to talk to you about. Come on.

Two of my brothers have moved up here from Yerevan

and decided to set up business.

They've opened an exclusive funeral parlour with top-class service.

Just for friendship's sake, write me a decent slogan for them,

something that'll actually get to the target group.

What's the firm called?

The family name. The Brothers Debirsian Funeral Parlour.

you'll laugh when I tell you, but they've already had one of your acquaintances as a client.

Who's that?

It was Khanin from the Privy Councillor agency.

Someone took him out.

Who did it?

A murky business. Something to do with diamonds.

I'll get some beer, wait.

There I was picking up half a litre in the vegetable shop at the Kursk station,

and guess who comes into the shop? Smirnov! Fuck me...

He was wearing this shabby grey coat and a red mohair cap, and not a bodyguard in sight.

There was just a bit of a bulge in his right pocket, as though he had his gun in there.

I'm standing there gawping at him with my mouth wide open,

and he noticed, gave me a wink and hopped out the door.

Bugger me, eh, the things that happen...

Smirnov appeared to be normal guy. - "People's Will"?

Come on, deal with him.

Guys, everything is fine.

DIAMONDS ARE NOT FOR EVER! THE BROTHERS DEBIRSIAN FUNERAL PARLOUR.

"Diamonds are, fucking, NOT forever!"

- My friend, who are you? - "People's Will". Calm down.

Babe! Tatarsky!

Tatarsky it's "People's Will"!

What is the choice of Russia?

Russia chooses Smirnov!

What's it doing upside down?

Long story. Where are you from?

That's the long story too.

Yes.

Babe, Where are you? Are you alive?

I'm alive.

We've given them a good working over, and now we'll probably send them off to jail.

After the interrogation Azadovsky was laughing like mad!

Said you'd released all his stress.

Next time you'll get a medal together with Rostropovich.

Shall I send some wheels round for you?

No thanks, I think I'll go home. My nerves are shot.

Yeah? I can understand that.

Get yourself fixed up, Only don't be late tomorrow -

we have a very important occasion.

You'll see Azadovsky's collection. The Spanish section. Cheers for now.

So they take me me for a hamster, then.

- What? - It does not matter.

Listen, have you got any of those fly-agarics left?

Yes. But I won't take any with you, after what happened the last time...

I'm really sorry.

I'll give you some vodka.

Softens the effect. They can bugger up your brains if you take them neat.

You know, Andrei, I don't want this to sound sentimental,

but thank you very, very much!

What for?

For sometimes allowing me to live a parallel life.

Without that the real one would be so disgusting!

Well, where is the goddess?

Only don't be late tomorrow - we have a very important event.

You'll see Azadovsky's collection. The Spanish section.

- Arrived? - Where are we?

In the Ostankino. I'm sorry about the blindfold and all the rest -

you should understand it's the ritual. Traditions, fuck 'em.

You scared?

Don't let it bother you, it's a bullshit.

Allia! Show him everything over here.

I'll be back, I've got to have a word with a couple of people.

Who do you like best of the great Spanish artists?

Velasquez.

I'm crazy about the old satirist too. Good afternoon, Farsuk Karlovic.

It's a Picasso. Ceramic figurine of a woman running.

This sculpture was bought for $17 million.

And where's the actual statue?

Well, if you want to see what it looks like,

the catalogue's over there on that table.

It's the cutting edge in design.

Monetaristic minimalism. They say it was invented here in Russia.

D'you like it?

It's interesting. But I don't really understand it.

Then I'll explain. Take a walk.

To be honest, after you've seen these pictures once - maybe twice -

what're you going to see that's new?

- Nothing. - That's right.

We'll come back here afterwards. For some champagne.

Keep your head down: the ceiling's low in here.

Get changed.

Let's go.

Where?

Do not worry, it's an in gathering.

Just don't turn sour on us, OK; don't you go thinking we're nothing but a set of fuckheads.

Personally I couldn't give a toss for all this,

but if you want to be in our business, you can't get by without it.

Ever go to pioneer camp?

- Sure. - Well,

Did you have that business with the Day of Neptune?

When everybody got dunked in the water? - Yeah.

Well, you just figure like this is another Day of Neptune. Tradition.

The story goes that once there was this ancient goddess.

And the storyline says the gods were mortal as well

and carried their deaths around inside them, just like ordinary folks.

So when her time was up, this goddess had to die too;

and naturally enough, she didn't fancy the idea.

So then she separated into her own death

and the part of her that didn't want to die.

She became gold - not just the metal, though: in a metaphorical sense. You follow me?

To cut it short, she became the thing that all people desire.

All gold in general.

And her death became this lame dog with five legs

who had to sleep for ever in this distant country in the north.

There he is on the right, see him? Got a leg instead of a prick.

I read something similar. In a collection of university articles.

What was the article about, though? Our firm?

No, about the pagan gods.

One of these gods was the lame dog Phukkup with five legs.

Tradition says he sleeps somewhere among the snow,

but when he wakes up, he attacks.

And who is it this Phukkup attacks in this article?

Not anyone or anything special - just everything in general.

Everything.

So what do they call the goddess?

They don't call her anything.

Once a long time ago they used to call her Ishtar.

And the story's the same with the lame dog. But you were right about all the rest.

I guess you understand that we in Russia have a special responsibility,

because the dog is sleeping here.

Kneel down and remove your mask.

Thou art the medium,

and thou art the message.

What liquid is that?

Dog's blood.

I trust I don't need to explain the symbolism?

No. I'm not an idiot; I've read a thing or two. What next?

Now you must look into the sacred eye.

Don't be scared.

Through this eye the goddess recognises her husband;

and since she already has a husband, it's a pure formality.

For Leonid, it's naturally a rather tense moment

when someone else looks into the sacred eye,

but so far it's been all right. Go on.

What is this? What's happening?

Nothing's happening any more.

It's already happened.

But why?

At the sacred divination in Atlanta the oracle foretold

that in our country Ishtar would have a new husband.

We'd been having problems with Azadovsky for ages,

but it took us a long time to figure out who the new husband could be.

All that was said about him was

that he was a man with the name of a town.

We thought and thought about it, we searched, and then suddenly

they brought in your file from the first section.

Everything adds up: you're the one, Babylen.

Me?

But why me?

I don't know. Ask yourself that one.

For some reason the goddess didn't choose me.

Will they strangle me some time too?

Well, that goes with the job.

The main thing is, if you have any doubts about anything, you just come to me.

And here's a first advise:

when you will move to Azadovsky office

get rid of that cocaine-polluted carpet.

Farsuk Karlovich, will you tell me something, in confidence?

Who actually controls all of this?

Here's a second piece of advice:

not to stick your nose in - That way you'll stay a living god for longer

And to be honest about it, I don't know. Even after all the years I've been in the business.

What's that?

A 3D-scanner. The newest model. We brought it just yesterday.

According to the ritual, the husband of the great goddess must be digitized.

Come here!

Don't be afraid. It doesn't hurt to be scanned. Sit down.

Back should be straight.

That's your main sacramental function.

Strictly speaking, your 3-D model will be her husband,

and you'll be... a regent, I suppose.

Don't worry, it is calibration.

- Farsuk Karlovich. - Yes?

have you heard of the bird Semurg?

No. What kind of a bird is it?

There was an oriental poem,

I haven't read it myself, only heard about it.

About how thirty birds flew off to search for their king Semurg

and then, after all kinds of different tests, at the very end they learned

that the word "Semurg" means "thirty birds".

So?

I just thought, maybe

that generation, the one that chose Pepsi...

I thought: that dog with five legs - maybe it's all of us together?

And now we're all on the attack, sort of.

Right, now hold dead still and don't blink.

- Ready? - Ready.

I bow before the living god.

- Hello? - Hello!

Alla: I bow before the living god.

What are your instructions for today, boss?

None yet.

Although, you know what. alla, there will be a few after all.

Firstly, have the carpet in the office taken up - I'm fed up with it.

Secondly, make sure that from today on

there's nothing but Coca-Cola in the buffet, no Pepsi.

Thirdly, Malyuta doesn't work for us any more.

Why?

Because he's about as much use to us as a fifth leg to a dog.

All he does is spoil other people's scenarios, and then the mazuma has to go back.

And you, Alla, remember: if I say something,

you don't ask "why?", you just jot it down. You follow?

Yes.

That's all right then.

And one more thing, I completely forgot:

Yes, I'm listening.

Take care of Rostropovich.

The second phase of advertising campaign "MegaFon".

Partisan unit in the jungle. Che Guevara is sitting in a a circle of friends.

Mobile phone screen lit up with the words:

"Roaming even in Bolivia. MegaFon."

Babylen Tatarsky's 3-D double appeared on screen times without number,

but Tatarsky himself only liked to rewatch

a few of the tapes.

There they are in great dread, For God is with the Righteous Generation!

There were they in great fear; for God is in the generation of the righteous.

Verse from Psalm 14.

Very few people suspected

that it was advertising campaign made for "Pepsi-Cola"

invented by Tatarsky wowrism advertising technology.

American radical fundamentalists

stamping in fury on a can of Pepsi-Cola, as a symbol of liberalism.

In accordance with the Tsar's Will

Execute Stenka Razin as a thief!

Many still remember the appearance of the Babylen Tatarsky as Stenka Razin

in a monumental advertising of shampoo Head & Shoulders.

Well, Stenka?

Why you trow Persian princess overboard?

Persian you say?

and she had called me dandruffic goat!

A dandruff is really falls from your head, bastard!

It's no worth crying over lost hair, if you lost your head. Head & Shoulders.

famous ad for the Moscow chain of Gap stores,

in which Tatarsky appeared together with his deputy Morkovin,

Afghanistan was heavier

Babylen Tatarsky's 3-D double participated in political life.

"FSB planned to kidnap a brother of the well-known businessman".

He appeared at the funeral of the TV commentator

Farsuk Karlovich Farseikin,

who was strangled with a yellow skipping rope in strange circumstances in Sandunovsky baths.

His slogan for "American Express" became a part of history of advertizing:

"The world is a place where business meets money."

But his very favourite was video clip for Tuborg,

the one - as his secretary alla used to say in a whisper -

that would bring tears to his eyes,

Clip didn't pass the wow-test,

and was never shown on television.

Stop. I don't like my eyes?

Why?

My eyes are not cheerful enough. Do something.

Oh, that's a different story. And a smile a little bit bigger.

Yeah, bigger. That's it.

We do not advertise the product,

we advertise human happiness.

Life is a solitary journey

beneath a scorching sun or in then blistering cold.

Often the road we walk along leads to nowhere.

and no one knows where death lies in wait.

Remembering this, everything in the world seems empty and meaningless.

And then - enlightenment.

Tuborg - be prepared for anything!