Gayby (2012) - full transcript

She looks just like you.

Kind of, right?

Sure...in the cheekbones.

Shut up.

- No, she's perfect.
- lsn't she?

It better go through.

It will. The adoption people
are gonna love you.

So, what do you wanna do?

Well, this is nice...
what we're doing.

We could talk.
I like talking.

Yeah... I'm not
that big on talking.



Right.

And...I'm not that into nice.

Right.

Wow, I just never thought you'd
be the first one to have a kid.

Why? 'Cause I'm barren?

Are you ever gonna let that go?
I said like three years ago.

Loudly...

At my birthday party.

I just thought it
was the correct term.

I meant that
when we were younger,

you never wanted
to have kids, and I always did.

You'd have to date a guy
longer than five minutes

if you wanna have
a kid with one.

It was five months. Okay?



The last three,
lasted five to six months.

- So...
- Yeah, let that sit.

I'll be right back.

[phone beeps]

Do you mind
if I take this text?

It's my best friend, Jenn.

She just asked me
something really crazy.

Yeah...
I don't really care.

Should we just...
should we just get right to it?

That's cool. Okay.

Hey...You know that thing

when you're looking
for sex on a hook-up site,

and you run into someone who's
looking for something more,

and you're like...

this really
isn't the place for this.

Are we having that moment?

No, it's just that I haven't
done this since my break-up.

Oh...

This isn't gonna work.
I'm gonna go.

I'm sorry.
It really has just been a while.

Yeah, me too.
Not since Friday.

But I have a backup so I might
still be able to catch him.

Good.

So, yeah...
Good luck.

Well, it was nice to meet you.

And...be safe.

- Hey.
- Hey!.

You look really great!

Oh, shut up.

I've gained like four pounds
since you saw me last.

No, you look good.

Thanks.

It's all muscle.

How's the yoga studio?

Oh, it's good.
We're doing Bikram now.

Unofficially.

Bikram...

Is that the yoga
where they cook you?

It's hot yoga.

Oh, yeah...

You don't like it?

I took a class once,
I didn't like it.

For some people it's
a very spiritual experience.

Yeah, because they're
dying of thirst.

- I missed you.
- I missed you too.

It's been a month.
That's too long.

Well, you moved to Brooklyn.

Yeah, well--

But I check your
status updates every day.

You know Brooklyn
isn't really that far.

And I have an entire floor
for my comic book collection,

so it's actually really cool.

So, what do you think?

Well, I'm thinking about it.
That's why I'm here.

Thank you.

We've been talking
about it forever.

Yeah, I know.

(both)
Since college, yeah.

Were you thinking that you'd
just want it for yourself,

or do you wanna share it?

I wanna share it.

You want to share
the responsibility?

- It's a lot of responsibility.
- Yeah, I want to share it.

And then we'll get to see
each other more often.

You're sure you don't wanna...
I don't know...

wait around for the
right guy to come along?

Wait around for the right
straight guy in New York City?

- I don't know, get married?
- Married? Please.

What about you?

Have you been dating again?

No...

No, not since Tom.

Yeah, he wasn't right for you.

Well, it took me about
six years to figure that out.

Takes time.

If we did this...
should we just call a doctor,

and make an appointment
or something?

No, I don't want
to do fertility specialists.

I watched my sister
go through that.

Oh, yeah, poor Kelly.

It's so expensive, and I don't
even really trust those doctors.

They get things mixed up
like you wind up with...

someone else's baby,
someone else's sperm.

I can't...
I can't deal with that.

So then should I just
go in the bathroom,

jerk off into a cup,

put it in a turkey baster
or something?

No!

I don't even have
a turkey baster.

Well, how do you wanna do this?

I wanna do it
the old fashioned way.

Surprise...

Whoa! What?

Are you just trying to get some?

Gross! What? No!
Come on, we did this in college.

Yeah, we did it in college,

but we were really
drunk when we did it.

Do you want to get really drunk?

And you stopped
talking to me

for like a whole month
afterwards, remember?

You showed up at my
20th birthday party crying,

and you ruined it.

For the millionth time,
I am sorry.

And I did not stop talking
to you because we had sex.

Well, then why did you?

Who remembers?
I certainly don't.

Hey, do you think that you can?

Can what?

Have sex with me?

What is this - a dare?

Yes, I can have sex with you.

You can do it?

Yes, I can.

I'm a guy,
I can put it in anything.

Okay, then I'll get
an ovulation kit,

which tells you
when you're ready.

But according to my
lunar calendar,

I'm about a week.

And then I'll just...
come over.

You agreeing to this?

I think I am.

Yeah, then you're just
gonna come on over,

and we're gonna make a baby.

I stopped reading Spider-Man

ever since he made
that deal with the devil.

I was such
a huge Mary Jane fan.

I don't know why
they screwed that up.

I'm sticking to the X Books.

At least when Cyclops
psychically cheated

with Emma Frost on Jean Grey,

who we all know
is the love of his life,

at least there was
a little build up.

It didn't happen overnight.

And they didn't need the
devil to magically swoop in

and say, oh,
suddenly you're not--

Hey, Tom.

Hey, Matt.

- Hi.
- Hey.

It's Thursday.
What are you doing here?

You're supposed to
come in on Wednesdays.

I know, I'm sorry.

I gave up my shift
on Wednesdays,

so you could come in
on new book day.

It's cool because, you know,
we have a deal, so...

So why are you here?

Randall's parents are in town.

And you know how they
re-opened the crown

over at the Statue of Liberty?

You can go up there now.

You should go it's great.

Who's Randall?

Oh, I thought Nelson
maybe would have told you.

No.

I met a new guy.

Oh.

- He's Randall.
- Oh, cool.

He's really nice.
It's been like a month.

We met at the gym.

Yeah, Nelson didn't tell me.

Did the new
Wonder Woman come out?

It comes out next week...

On Wednesday.

Would you hold
a copy for me?

Well, there'll be
plenty of copies.

Only gay guys
read Wonder Woman.

I read it sometimes.

Okay, I'll come back on
Wednesday and I'll pick that up.

Yeah, great.

Hey, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that I came in
on the wrong day.

Is he your Jean Grey?

I can't believe
you didn't ask me.

Our child would be gaymazing.

I know, but Matt's
my best friend.

I thought I was.

You are my best friend...
from work.

Can he compete with this?

Who could?

Show me a picture.

Jenn, Linda wants you to run
this bill to the post office.

She said it needs
to go out ASAP.

Why can't you do it?

I'm the receptionist.

I have to sit at the
front desk and receive.

I have a master's degree.

Why would I want to
be a messenger too?

Can't you get
someone else to do it?

Linda feels that hierarchy
isn't what we're about here,

so everyone has to chip in.

This will be waiting
for you at the front desk.

Fine.

How do I always
get stuck doing this?

Because I took on more classes
and more responsibility

and made her stop treating
me like an assistant.

Why are all
of his pictures shirtless?

He gets hot easily.

I can't believe you
didn't tell me about Randall.

How is you knowing
who Tom's dating

gonna make
anybody's day better?

Especially mine.

- What's he like?
- Who cares?

Why don't we keep
the focus on you.

When are you gonna
try dating again?

Well, I joined one of those
websites and I had a date.

What kind of a date?

Which website?

I am familiar
with many websites.

I think it was
called Buddy Search.

Dude Hunt.

Yeah, that's it.

These sconces are so
whimsical and unique.

How much for the pair?

Those actually
don't have a price.

If you're interested
you can leave a bid,

and we'll get back to you.

Unique whimsy
is very in...

right now.

What's with this beard?

I'm becoming a bear.

I've decided to explore my
butch and masculine sides.

Aren't those...
kind of the same thing?

I have no idea.

So, you're a bear?

I'm here, I'm bear.
Get used to it.

Woof... Paw.

You should try something new.

Well, how's this for new?

Jenn asked me to
have a baby with her.

That is so Brooklyn.

I'm actually getting
a little tired of lesbians

asking me to
father their children.

But the genes are good, girl.

Jenn's not a lesbian.

Really?

- Yeah, she's not.
- Really?

Yes, she's not a lesbian.

Did you say yes?

Yes...
We're gonna do it tomorrow.

Wow.

Do you wanna borrow some
porn for the doctor's office?

I downloaded all this
amazing 70s stuff.

It's all mustaches
and no condoms.

We're not gonna go to a doctor.

We're gonna have sex.

Now that is whimsical.

Have you had her tested?

She's fine.
It's been discussed.

She hasn't had sex in a while.

Well, it's nice to see you're
re-opening a closed location

in these troubled times.

Should I take my bra off?

Oh, God, no,..

Unless it's
uncomfortable for you.

I don't have to do
anything with them, do l?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no...
It's fine.

Good.

Covers...

I shaved my legs...

but then I realized
I probably didn't have to.

Did you...

wait a little bit
since the last time you...

got off?

People say that
when you wait a couple days...

there's more...

Oh, that's not really
a problem for me.

Oh.

I mean, some guys
actually say it's too much.

I think that the amount
will be perfect for this.

Okay.

I'm gonna take
my underwear off.

Oh, yeah, me too.

- So, I was thinking...
- Uh-huh.

Um, that I could get started...
you know, outside...

over here...
and get it ready...

and when it's just
about to happen,

I could roll over and...
pop it in?

Yeah, that sounds like a plan.

I wanted to mention though,
I read somewhere that...

if you enjoy it too,
then there's more

of a likelihood
that you'll conceive.

So, if you wanted to
do that on your side...

while I'm doing it on my side

I can probably do that later.

In the bathroom,
by myself.

I'm better by myself.

Okay.

Okay.

How's it going?

It's beginning to respond.

Can I peak? I'm wanna peak.

I'm peaking.

Oh...
I forgot how big you are.

Come on, Jenn.

You are so big.

Jenn, you don't have to do that.

I'm not a straight guy.
You don't have to stroke my ego.

I mean it's kind of true...
but I've seen bigger.

Tom's was huge.

Is that who you're
thinking about right now?

It actually might be a little
bit easier if you didn't talk.

I'm sorry.

[panting]

- Okay.
- Okay?

- It's happening.
- Okay.

- I'm gonna come in.
- Okay.

- I'm coming in.
- Don't impale me.

- It's gonna happen fast.
- Let me guide it.

- All right, here we are.
- Yep.

Ahhh...

- Okay.
- Yeah.

How many times do you
think we should do it?

Five?

Lifting up the right leg.
Hips squared.

[moaning]

[moaning]

Oh, my, you've gone full-on
daddy but without the whole

"old guy who used
to be hot" thing.

- Hey, bear.
- Woof.

So how was proving to yourself

that you could still
do it with a woman?

It was surprisingly easy.

We did it a couple days
in a row.

It seemed so early
for a mid-life crisis,

and yet here we are.

You'll be happy to know
that I'm off duty right now.

Until next month.

Then let's find you a man.

You need to cleanse your
palate after all that puss.

- Excuse me.
- Hi.

Can you help us out?

Sure, what's up?

I'm looking for some comics
for my son Parker here.

Parker...
Like Peter Parker?

Do you like Spider-Man?

No.

Okay... What kind
of books do you like?

I like the Fantastic Four.

Remember that cartoon?
What does the Thing say?

It's clobbering time.

That's so cute.

Do you have a kids' section?

But no Spider-Man - we are
boycotting Spider-Man, right?

Yeah, it's over near there
near the action figures.

- Thanks.
- Sure.

Say...

Wow, young daddy's kind of hot.

Straight guys are not hot.

We're gay.
We like gay guys.

We have self-esteem today.

Oh, so that's why you lower
your voice like three octaves

every time you
meet someone cute?

What can I say -
I'm naturally deep-voiced.

I have to fight
to be this way with you.

Well, you'd never know.

Can we go get lunch now?
I want to eat myself fat.

Jenn, Linda wants you to pick
up her laptop at Tech-Place.

They saved her drive.

Okay, I'm on it.

She said, no rush.
Just before five would be great.

Valerie, I was working
on some new class ideas,

and I thought that we
should offer prenatal.

But pregnant women aren't
supposed to do hot yoga.

But people have babies
in the desert all the time.

But those people live in the
desert all the time,

so they're used to it.

Well, I have a few clients
who would really be into it.

Really? I don't know.

Just don't forget the laptop.

Already did.

Hey, I'm out.

You're pouting.
What's wrong?

Valerie thinks that pregnant
women can't handle hot yoga.

Maybe she's right.

Are you gonna keep
teaching once you are?

I do hot yoga all the time.
I'll be fine.

You will.

But we don't want
your baby coming out

all twisty and toasty
like a pretzel.

Oh, my God!
You should name him Pretzel!

- What if it's a girl?
- Pretzelle.

No, no...
Lady Windermere.

- I have to go.
- Bye.

How long is it supposed to take?

I think it said to wait
two to five minutes.

But I don't want to just
stand here and stare at it.

Oh, my God...
We're gonna know really soon.

I know.

Hey, you wanna go outside
on the roof and smoke?

I bought a pack of cigarettes
when I bought the test.

We shouldn't smoke.

I mean, I can.

But you shouldn't 'cause
you might be pregnant.

But our parents all smoke.

Yeah, I blame all of
my lack of focus on that.

Well, you can smoke
for the both of us.

No. I'm just gonna hold it...

In solidarity.

I'm just
freaking out a little bit.

What were we thinking?

We can't have a baby.

We can't afford
to have a baby.

Even if I sold all of my comics,

we couldn't afford
to have a baby.

I'll have some money.

What money?

My grandmother left me
some money in a trust,

for when I have
my first child.

If, and when.

Did you do this for money?

No!

No, I didn't do this for--
I didn't not think about it.

How much money?

It's enough money.

But it's for the child,

and you know my sister's
going to make sure of that.

But I didn't do it
for the money.

I did it because we are going
to have the fiercest gayby ever.

Do people still say fierce?

I think that actually
both parents have to be gay,

in order for the
baby to be a gayby.

Please, I've been
a hag since birth.

Okay, we should check,
shouldn't we?

No. Not just yet.

You know, it doesn't matter...

because if it's a yes,
then great,

and if it's no,
then we'll just do it again.

- Really?
- Yeah.

We're gonna have our baby.

Maybe this place isn't
conducive to creating life.

We could try
my place next time.

Yeah, still, it's so dreary.

You really want this too,
don't you?

I do.

I've always
wanted to have a kid.

You know that.

How else am I gonna do it?

I started a new graphic novel.

Oh.

It's about a baby,
or a gayby,

who's a baby by day,
and a superhero by night.

You should show it
to one of those

comic book bigwigs
who shops at your store.

Yeah, I would...

but I took the day off
when most of them come in,

so I wouldn't run into Tom.

You need someone new.

You should sign up
for online dating.

I've tried online dating.

No, I mean the kind where
you actually go out on dates.

- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.

Let's both do it.
I'll sign up again.

Okay.

Do you have any pictures
with your shirt on?

Yeah, I think
there are like two.

Well, you don't want
to come off as too slutty.

And don't say you
like hiking and camping.

When was the last
time you went camping?

I like to camp.

Yeah, camp...
Iike you appreciate

Valley of the Dolls
and Showgirls,

but not like
in the freakin' woods.

Well, can we keep hiking?

Walking around in Central Park
late at night is totally hiking.

Sure.

I've never done that
in my life, Nelson.

What are we gonna
make your ad title?

What did you use?

Nelly Bear, 'cause my
name's Nelson and I'm a bear.

Everyone's gonna think
Nelly means feminine.

Look, I'm trying to reconcile
my butch, bearded ferocity

with my beautiful inner woman
in a tongue-in-cheek way.

If people on this stupid site
don't get it, it is their loss.

Okay, okay.

Well, then...
call me Matt-a-tat-tat,

'cause I'm about to explode
onto the dating scene.

That works, right?

I don't think
that makes any sense.

I love it.

I think it's nice,
it seems energetic.

I'm on that site too.

Actually, my name is
Naomi Malone...

on the site.

Showgirls.

You know, do you think
it's because like it's...

"No me I'm alone"?

Like her existential angst
is so intense

that there's no "me"
and she's alone.

- That's beautiful.
- lsn't that so intense?

Like I thought about it
when I saw it the first time.

I just like the dancing.

Okay.

The energy in my apartment
is just all wrong.

You're right.

Your energy is
really murky, yellow.

I meant in my apartment.

Well, it follows you.

Well, what should I do?

Oh, we can go shopping and
buy some candles, oils, sage.

Sage helps you shift.

Yeah, let's do all that.
But I really need to paint.

Oh, you should hire my brother.

He paints apartments.
He's really good.

Jamie knows him.

He takes my 5:30.
He's amazing.

We went on that men's
healing retreat together.

I could set it up for you.

Make sure he
gives you a good deal.

Thanks, Linda,
that's really great.

No problem, sweetie.

You guys should stick
around for Beth's class.

She's got a really low count.

It'd be nice to have
some extra bodies.

I didn't know
she had a brother.

He's actually
a pretty serious artist.

She never mentions that,
and he never mentions her.

Weird. Is he nice?

Not really.

But he's not mean either.

He's like...
opinionated and definite,

in this very Pollock-y way.

Is he gonna splash paint
all over my walls?

No, Jennifer.

He knows what he's doing.

Just don't suggest
colors to him.

He feels the space,
and then decides.

Okay--

Just meet him.
He's insanely hot.

And moderately flexible.

Is it weird that I don't know

what some of these initials
stand for anymore?

Well, I think the Q
is questioning.

Oh, well what's the A?

Is it answering?

Are they
answering the questions?

I think it might be asexual?

Or like associates?

I think it
basically encompasses

all of New York City
at this point.

Well, what makes this center
special anymore then?

Well, they have gay bingo.

I don't know.

I don't want to do
any of these activities.

But look -
they have your favorite...

Gay camping!

I don't want to do that.

Oh... Gay Republicans.

Wow! That is so cool!

Nelson, you shouldn't do that.

Why? Are you about
to tell me there's room

for all shades of gay
under the rainbow?

'Cause there's not.

I was just gonna say there
are some really hot Republicans.

I like having sex
with people I hate

as much as
the next person,

but I had to give
that up in my 20s.

[cell phone beeps]

Oh, ooh...
I just got my tenth response.

Do any of them
want to go hiking?

How many did you get?

What is this, a competition?

Since yesterday, total?
Sixteen.

I am so glad I went bear.

And this is the bedroom.

So?

This place is depressing.

Yeah.

Can we change that?

I'd kill myself
if I lived here.

- Green.
- What?

I can help.

Great.

Uh, should we...
talk about pay?

No, you can't afford me.

But I'll give you
the lowest price,

since my sister said
you're Jamie's friend.

Let's not talk about money.
It's not cool.

Right.

Should we...
talk about a schedule?

I like to keep things loose.

I'll come when I feel it.

Yeah.

Well, maybe you should just
take an extra set of keys.

Yeah, just put them
in my pocket.

I'm just...
I'm gonna go to the supermarket.

Uh, do you...
do you want anything?

You know,
just lock up when you go.

Dark yellow.

Oh, you want to
paint the door yellow?

Your aura.

You think too much.

Oh, I know.

So I was like...
[giggling]

Hold up. It's not my fault
that you waited until

you were 40 to have kids
and wound up with a litter.

And she had the nerve
to call me a bitch,

which I found offensive

because obviously
she was feminizing me,

and I do not stand for
hate language of any kind.

You're so strong,
silent and sexy.

Let's make out.

Hmm! Uh...

Could we keep it
above the waist?

Come on.

I made a promise to myself.

Yeah, I didn't promise a thing.

[doorbell chimes]

Let me just see who that is.

You keep your clothes on.

Jenn! Hi. What's up?

Is this a bad time?

No, no.

I'm on a date, but I could
kind of use a time-out.

Hi.

Hi.

Jenn, this is...

It's Adrian.

And this is
my friend Jenn, who...

she brought a suitcase.

Why did you bring
a suitcase, Jenn?

You didn't get my email?

No, when did you send it?

Like twenty minutes ago.

Oh, I didn't get it cause
I had turned my phone off,

so I could give
my full attention to...

Adrian.

Matt always forgets names
when he first meets people.

His mom smoked
when she was pregnant.

- Jenn.
- What? It's true.

Oh, and I'm having my
apartment painted,

and it's not good for me
to be around the fumes

when we're trying
to have a baby.

Jenn and I are
trying to have a baby.

Oh, the city needs
more children.

So, can I stay for a few days?

Yeah, sure.

Oh, and I think
today is day one.

I thought it was
gonna be tomorrow,

but the thermometer
says that it's today.

That is so my cue to leave.

Thanks for getting him ready.

Sure.

Have fun breeding.

I'm sorry.
It was really good to meet you.

[sighs]

Sorry I chased away Adrian.
He was cute.

Oh, it's okay.

I have a date
every night this week.

It's getting hard to schedule
because of all the responses.

I have a date with
one of my two responses.

Well, you have him
meet you here, missy,

because my baby mama
doesn't go out with anyone

unless I meet him first,
you understand me?

Yes, daddy.

Just before our date
he should meet my gay lover.

That's right.

Wait, were you gonna
have sex with Adrian?

No...

God, I just kissed him
so he'd shut up.

You're the only man for me.

- Aw.
- It's true.

- Let's spoon.
- Okay.

Okay.

I mean...

Just a little tighter.

[door squeaks open]

Wow, that's...
that's, really good.

- Hey.
- Hey.

How did Parker like the books?

Good memory.

He sent me back for more.
I think he's hooked.

- That's great.
- Yeah.

I'm gonna be closing soon,
so feel free to look around.

- Sure.
- I'll just lock up.

Okay.

This is the best out of what
we have that's age appropriate.

Wow, that's great.
Thank you so much.

Anything good come out
this week for adults?

- The new FF is really great.
- Yeah?

Susan is totally
flirting with Namor,

who I always thought
was a lot cooler than Reed.

Oh, come on!

I mean sure,
Mr. Fantastic is nerdy,

but he can stretch any part
of his body any way he wants.

So, I mean how could she
not be satisfied at home?

That's true.

I always kinda had
a thing for Johnny.

- Oh, yeah, he's hot.
- Right?

I mean he is the Human Torch.

So, is he your favorite?

Yeah...

I like the way
Derington draws his ass.

Are you flirting with me?

What made you think that?

Oh... I'm sorry.

I feel dumb.

I always think it's
happening when it's not,

and then when it actually is
happening, I have no idea.

It's okay.

It's happening.

What does the Human Torch say?

He says, "Flame on."

I'm sorry--

You have a wife and a son.

I don't go down low.

I think it's...
I don't do down low.

I don't...
I don't do that either.

Yeah, I'm divorced.

And my son's with
his mom so I'm...

Are you out?

I... I am now.

I can't do this here.

It's just too weird.

You wanna go back to my place?

- Yeah, where's your place?
- Like ten blocks away.

Okay. Wait, that sounds
like kind of far.

Yeah.

Can we just
keep it above the waist?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

No down low...
Either way.

[doorbell chimes]

Please tell me
you're here for me.

I'm here for you.

You're not here for me,
are you?

And you're not Matt, are you?

- No, I'm Jenn.
- I'm Daniel.

- Hello, Daniel.
- Hi.

Matt's still at work,
he'll be back home soon.

You want to go and sit down?

Yeah, sure. Thanks.

I gotta finish my makeup -
for my date.

- You look great to me.
- Thank you.

I might have to switch teams.

Story of my life.

Aw.

We'll see about that.

[doorbell chimes]

Daniel! Can you get that?

Sure.

Hi...

Jenn?

How'd you guess?

Be right out!

- Do you wanna sit down?
- Sure.

Things are looking up.

I'm gonna go to the bathroom...

Unless you need to.

No, I did already...

In the hallway.

Okay.

Daniel...

No. I'm Adam.

Dan's in the bathroom.

I'm here for Jenn.

Dan's a looker though.
Score.

- So he is here?
- Yes, he is.

Damn.

You're late.

I totally forgot I had a date.

How could you
forget you have a date?

You have a date every night.
Who forgets that?

Date... Every... Night.

You look really pretty.

Thanks.

I met Adam.

He seems nice and cute.

Oh, I haven't seen him yet.
But I saw Daniel.

He's adorable.
You wanna trade?

I think I'm tired of dating.

Your life is hard.

Oh, I should probably
have sex tonight.

You're gonna have sex with
that guy on the first date?

You better use a condom.

Thanks, dad.
I meant us.

Oh, right.

Yeah, just text me and let me
know how your date is going,

and then I'll end mine
around the same time.

- Okay?
- Okay.

Well, let's go meet
our gentlemen callers.

Okay.

Well, you're welcome
to come in if you want,

but I have to let you go
when my friend comes home.

Well, we could always go
back to my place in Astoria.

I mean, if you want.

As tempting as that sounds,
I can't.

Astoria is very tempting.

I told my friend Jenn that
I'd be here when she gets home.

Well, maybe we can
meet up again sometime?

Yeah.

Hi, guys!

How was your date?

It was nice.

It was really nice.

How was your date?

What did you guys do?

We had Moroccan.

- Date... You get it?
- Stuffed dates.

Oh.

Did you get stuffed...
Date?

You know, you're funny.

I... You're funny.

Yeah, but you're more funny.

I'm funny.
You know what you are?

- What?
- You're Moroccan.

- Ah...
- Mo' rockin.

- You're Mo' rockin.
- I like that.

- Show 'em the feet.
- All right.

- Do the feet.
- Ready?

[soft-shoe tapping]

- Yeah, I wanna see you again.
- I wanna see you again.

We're going on a second date.

You going on a second date?

Okay, Jenn, I think
you should get to bed.

No, you go to the bed
and I'll be in in a minute.

I wanna make out
with the Adam.

Ooh...

- Okay.
- Here.

Well...

It was nice to meet you.

Yes, it was nice
to meet you too.

This way.

Should l?

No, no it's fine.

I'll email you sometime, okay?

Woo...

Oh...

It helps to have someone get
you all revved up before that.

Daniel didn't rev me up.

How could you not like Daniel?

I thought he was
really cute and really fun.

Didn't you think
he was cute, fun?

Yeah, he was nice.

Adam wasn't so nice.
That's why I liked him.

I think I like someone else.

The guy from last night?

No...from today.

There was another one
from today?

He came into the store.

A comic geek,
like nerdy sexy?

Yeah, kinda.

At first I thought
he was straight,

but then it turned out
he was bi or gay.

I actually don't even
know what he was.

Maybe he was A...
whatever that means.

A? A is for ally.
I'm A.

I'm ally. I earned that.
Don't give that to him.

Adam begins with an A.

He gets an A in tongue.

Yeah, so does Scott.

He graduates Magna Cum Hot-tay.

Jenn, your sister's here.

I put her in Studio B.
Hurry it up.

My sister's here?

Oh, that's never a good thing.

Jamie, you have to
hold this for a minute.

But you peed on that thing.

That's not the side I peed on.

But still... Yuck.

What is with
these ridiculous chairs?

We just taught a kids' class.

Please just don't say kids
to me right now.

Why? What's wrong?

- There's a problem with Sadie.
- Who's Sadie?

The child I'm adopting.
Come on, keep up here.

Wait, I thought
her name was Folasade.

Yeah, I don't like that.

It sounds like Folic acid.

Why? Sade for short is so cute.

I did give it some thought.

Sadie is close
enough to her birth name.

Yeah, right.

Where did you just go?
In your head?

Oh, nowhere.

You just reminded me that
I needed to get vitamins.

My adoption might
be falling apart,

and you're worried about
your shopping list.

I'm sorry.

Look, they told you it was gonna
be a long, drawn out process.

But you know it's gonna happen.

I know.

I just can't take
much more of this.

I really want her
to be here, now.

I'm ready to mother.

Look I got this great book
so that we'll be ready

when she starts
to ask questions.

She's a year old.

What questions
is she going to ask?

We need to be sensitive
about the issues that arise

when Americans adopt
children from other cultures.

So I should let her grow up in
an orphanage to avoid issues?

- That's not what I meant.
- I know what you meant.

I'm white, she's black,
so I'm gonna need you

to come over
and explain it to her.

I can't wait. You can teach her
about hip-hop and civil rights.

Did you just come here to argue?

No.

You're going on a date with
my friend Peter next Thursday.

You'll love it.
He is a font of information.

He's been to Africa,
multiple times.

I don't know.

Do not say no to me today.

Fine. I'll go.

And don't waste money
on extra vitamins.

Just one good multi is enough.

You only need
to take Folic Acid

if you're trying
to get pregnant.

Right, right...

You just went somewhere again.
Did something happen?

No, no.

It's just all this talk
about Fola-- Sadie,

makes me want
to have a baby too.

- You're so competitive.
- Shut up.

Well, when the time comes
you'll go see my fertility guy.

He's the best in the city.

Even though he didn't do
a goddamn thing for me.

I should get back to work.

I love you.

It's all gonna work out.

It better...

Or I will start drinking again.

Okay, give me that back.

I'm pretty sure that is
the side I peed on.

- Gross. And it's a no, girl.
- Damn.

More gay sex for you.

Should I go to my sister's
horrible Upper East Side doctor?

No.

But l, in fact, have an
amazing gynecologist.

- What? Why?
- Well, no not like that.

I mean he does inspect
my vagina regularly,

but only in the bedroom.

Skipping that for now...

You know I hate
Western medicine.

Jenn, you are not doing that.

You're going to my doctor

who practices an
Eastern-Western mix.

So does mine...
in bed.

Valerie, what happened in there?

You can't just eat kale.

Do you think
all these are necessary?

We'll tweak anything
that we need to,

but call me if there are any
unpleasant side effects.

Okay.

How's the sex?

Oh, you know, it was
really awkward at first,

but now that we got
the hang of it, it's fine.

Only fine?

Oh, he's my best friend.

We're only having sex
to get pregnant.

As if men need an excuse
to have intercourse.

Right.

He's gay though.

Oh.

Let me give you something.

I make a loose leaf tea
with extra horny goat weed.

What's that?

It's a weed that goats eat
that makes them horny.

It has the loveliest of tastes.

And it helps
increase the sex drive.

Getting pregnant can take time,

and we don't want you
to get tired of having sex.

Is there anything to
increase my bust size?

Yes...
Getting pregnant.

Oh, I like you.
You're funny.

Yes.

So you just stick to that list.

But apart from that,
you just relax.

Meditate, be peaceful.
Do yoga.

That's what I do.
I teach Bikram.

Oh, I don't like that.
It's too hot.

Well, do you think the heat
will be bad for the baby?

No. Since Lilith,
women have been giving birth

in the harshest of extremes.

You're gonna be fine.
I can see that.

Who's Lilith?

Gross! Jenn, what is this?

Don't drink that!
That's my fertility tea.

Well, it's nasty.
What the hell's in it?

It's horny goat weed
and some other herbs.

What is this? Rosemary's Baby?

Are you sure
it's okay to drink that?

My fertility guru
gave it to me.

She's amazing.
I love her.

It's so delicious.
I love this tea.

I've already had three cups.

There's a male version.
You want me to get you some?

That's okay, I don't
need any horny goat help.

- I gotta go to work.
- Okay, bye!

Go, go, lock it, lock it,
lock up that left knee,

and easily pump it out.

Yes! Can we do this?

Yeah! Loosen it up.
Make a circle.

Who's got a circle in them?

You do! Make the circle.

Make it, okay, let it go.

Hoo! Shake it out.
Right into tree!

And to the right...

To the left...

and oh, get your asses
into it, huh?

Little bit of trunk in the--
Yes!

You know what?
Imagine you're in a club, huh?

Feel the bass...

Feel the bass in that club?

Feel the bass
in that club?

That's right.

Shake it out,
shake it out, let it go.

Let it...
That is class, ladies!

That is class!

Very nice job!

Well done!

Nice, ladies!

Class was really
different today.

I know, but it was
a good change.

Right? We should
change it up more often.

Wasn't it great?

It was just...
really different.

- Yeah.
- I was into it.

I felt the bass.

You two are just so inspiring.

You notice
the differences in life.

Yeah, thanks.

I want you to leave
class remembering that.

I'm just gonna
swim on out of here.

Over to here.

It feels good in here.

It feels good in here.

Feels good in here...

Oh, my girl.

A dance break! Yes!

Go.

And then I started a non-profit
building schools in Africa.

Amazing.

Yeah, so I spend three months
of the year over there

and the rest
of the time I'm here,

hitting up my old co-workers
for guilt money.

[giggles]

That is so amay...
you are just amay-may.

What about you?
What do you do?

I teach Bikram
and a mix of other forms,

vinyasa flow and such.

Our studio's thing is that we do
a strict Bikram unofficially,

and a regular hot.

It's really rare.

Okay, that sounds nice.

And I'm proposing
some new classes

so this way I can stop having
to run errands for my boss.

Cool.

And...any other goals?

I really want to get pregnant.

Great, great.

So you teach yoga,
you run errands,

and you really want
to get pregnant?

Sure. Yeah.
Like, definitely this year.

But hopefully this month.

Great, wonderful.
I'm gonna go.

It was really nice meeting you.

I'm gonna pay
for the drinks, if that's okay.

You're leaving already?
You're gonna go?

Yeah.

I'm looking for
an adult relationship.

You seem like
a really nice girl,

I just don't have
the time to waste.

I totally get it.

The African children need you.

- Good luck.
- You too.

Whitey.

Hey, could I get...
change for this for these?

Thank you.

Is this for
the Manhattan or the Martini?

[cell phone rings]

I'm sorry, do you
mind if I take this?

Right now?

Yeah, real quickly.

Hello.

Hi, Adam, it's Lilith.

Lilith?

She was Eve, before Eve.

I see.

Well, Lilith, I'm a little
busy right now.

Are you on a date
with someone else?

Say my name.
Say my name.

Okay.

How about we talk tomorrow.

Try not to get all
weird on me, all right?

Oh, I'm already there.

- I'm sorry about that.
- Who was that?

Oh, girl, you look so sad.

- This is nice.
- Yeah.

You know what would be nicer?

What?

Um...

If we took off our shirts.

Okay.

- Oh, glasses.
- Oh, sorry, sorry.

Oh, there we go.

[keys clanging]

What was that?

I'm sorry, that's...
That's my friend Jenn.

Hey, I dropped my keys.

I thought you were on a date.

Yeah...
No, it didn't go so good.

I'm sorry.

Could you go away
for a while

and then come back?

I need some more time.

Can I go downstairs in the room
with the comic books?

No.

Who is it tonight? Lorenzo?

It's that guy from the store.

So maybe you could go
back to your place for a bit,

and I'll text you.

Sure. Yeah, sure.

Thank you so much.

Oh, hey, don't you do
anything that I wouldn't do.

Okay...

There are actually a lot
of things that I would do,

that you wouldn't do,
that I just might do.

I did booty sex once!

Oh...

What are you
doing here so late?

I was priming.

I don't know what that means.

Don't worry about it.

I do my own stuff
during the day.

I need light for my work.

I save this for the night.

It calms me.

My work is really...violent.

Oh, I'd like to see it sometime.

I don't know
if you can handle it.

[clears throat]

What's wrong?

Your color's...off.

Oh, I just had this
really terrible date

with this judgmental
do-gooder douche bag.

- Oh man, I hate that type.
- Yeah.

And the guy that
I'm having sex with,

and the guy I like
are both busy.

So, you know...

You're polyamorous...
Right on.

Yeah.

And I'm taking these herbs
that are making me feel

Iike all sorts of weird.

What kind of weird?

Like crazy, horny weird.

Oh... You wanna have sex?

I'm basically done here.

- I've got half an hour to kill.
- Let's kill it.

[moaning]

No, wait, wait, wait.
Do you have a condom?

Uh...

I don't think so.

I wasn't really
expecting this tonight.

Do you have any?

Yeah. In the bathroom
there's a 1 2-pack

from when I first moved in.

Okay... I'll bring the box.

Hurry up.

[gasping, moaning]

Don't worry.
It's water-based.

- What?
- Water-based.

- The lube?
- No, the paint.

- The what?
- The wall, it's still wet.

- I'm so wet.
- Hell, yeah.

- Don't stop.
- Hell, no!

Don't you dare stop!

Okay, okay, okay, okay...

Yeah, Yeah, Yeah!

Whoa.

Yeah.

That was really athletic.

Yeah.

You sure you don't
want to do it tonight?

Yeah, let's just
do it in the morning.

Okay.

Maybe we should try
that turkey baster thing.

Really?

You sound disappointed.

No...
I mean, obviously, no.

I am gay.

Is something wrong?

No, no.

I've just been working a lot.
I'm really tired.

You're stretched out
from all that yoga?

[phone ringing]

Hello.

Nelly?

This is she.

Hey...

Do you have any of those
needle-less syringe things

we used to give
your cat meds with?

Yeah, I have a whole box
of them. Why?

Jenn and I need some.

We've decided to move past sex.

Oh, good, because let me say,
that was really ridiculous.

Could you bring some over?

Now?

Why are you whispering?

Because I'm in
a magical land called Astoria,

where no one need
speak above a whisper.

I gotta go.

Gimme some sugar.

You woke me up
and made me come here

and went back to sleep?
Get up.

Hey.

I'm so glad that my cat's death
could help you procreate.

Is that what I think it is?

Yes, it's
Miss Lulu Kitty's ashes.

She needed to be here
if she's gonna help create life.

Oh, okay.
Well, hi, Miss Lulu Kitty.

Thank you for the syringes.

If it's a girl you should name
her Lucretia as an homage.

And what if it's a boy?

I don't know.
Ash? Tin?

Ashton.

- I'm gonna get to it.
- Go for it.

- Do you want to help?
- Nope, not into you.

- Not even a little bit?
- Nope, and not ever.

That's because you loved Tom.

Partially...

And you hated me
when I started dating him.

Definitely.

But you're still my friend.

We work on the same block
and you're a good lunch date.

Besides, I like that
I have one friend

that I'm not
secretly in love with.

That's refreshing
and rare for us gays.

That's true.
Hug me?

No, not this early.
Gross.

I'm gonna go jerk off.

Can you hurry up, please?
I need to go to brunch.

[whispers]
I love you, Miss Lulu.

Oh, hey, Nelson.
Where's Matt?

In the bathroom jerking off

into my dead cat's
oral medicine dispenser

so that he can inject you
with his baby juice.

Before my first cup of coffee?

Well, you better have one,
because once he ejaculates,

you really should insert it
within the first 20 minutes.

Okay.

It's 10:15. Do you know
where your cervix is?

You know, not really.

Stick your index finger
in your vagina.

- Not here.
- Okay.

And you want to feel along
the inside of your sugar walls,

towards the front.
this way.

How do you know
so much about this?

I have two children.

- Really?
- Yes.

One with each half
of a lesbian couple.

I gave up my parental rights,
but I see them sometimes.

Not as often as I'd like,
'cause they live in Park Slope.

- I'm kind of their aunt.
- That is so sweet.

Yeah, anyway, your cervix is
near the top of your vagina.

It's kind of squishy, like--

You need
to stay and help us.

Of course I do.

Okay, let's lift
this pillow a little bit.

Okay.

How's the pillow?

Oh, it's okay.

- Are you ready?
- Yeah.

Are you ready?

[blows kiss]

Sperm.

I have to shoot this in slowly,
so it'll take a hot minute.

Nice yard work.

Oh, thank you, l...

There... All done.

Now, don't move
for a half an hour.

Are you using a predictor kit?

I'm using an online
lunar cycle ovulation calendar.

That'll do.

Now do this at least once
a day for four more days,

and it'll probably work.
It worked both times for me.

Thank you...so much.

- Just make me Goddess-mother.
- No, really. Thank you.

You - take me
and Miss Lulu to brunch.

You - stay there
for 30 minutes.

Okay.

Can you bring me a...
a crepe?

[belch]

Yeah...

What?

Oops.

Don't worry about it.

It's time.

Oh, no!

I'm sad you're leaving.

I haven't spent this much
time with you since college.

It's been fun.

That's why I'm leaving
right now, while it's still fun.

I don't want to
over-stay my welcome.

You could never.

Yes I could, trust me.

I have a good feeling
about this month.

Me too.

[door squeaks open]

No one signed up
for my prenatal class.

Pregnant women
are not into hot yoga.

Can I ask you something crazy?

Something crazy?

As opposed to
everything else you say?

What about instead
of hot yoga - warm yoga?

- Lukewarm?
- No. Warm-Warm.

Like everyone who hates
hot yoga could do it.

Pregnant women could do it.

and they'd still get
some of the benefits.

Do you think it's any good?

No...
It sounds ludicrous.

But it's also so stupid,

maybe smart people
would love it.

Yeah...
I'm gonna take it to Linda.

It's crazy,
but it's also amazing.

It's craymazing.

I hope so.

Something's different about you.

Your energy's changed.

I don't want to talk about it.

Oh, yes, you do.
What is it?

All the gay sex
confusing your feelings?

No. We stopped having sex.

We're doing the
turkey baster method,

but with a cat syringe.

Did you finally realize

how totally bizarre
that whole scenario was?

No, it's not that.

I just kind of had sex
with someone else,

and I just felt really weird
about having it with Matt.

Who was it?
One of these dates?

No. It's someone else.

No way!
Did you have sex with Louis?!

Oh, my God!
How was it?

Tell me everything
so I can imagine it was me.

You know it was
really out of nowhere.

It was, like,
really intense and...

Craymazing, obviously.

Yeah, it was also that.

But it also
just felt really wrong.

Well, sure, Jenn.

That's because
he has a girlfriend.

What?
He did not tell me that.

- Did you ask?
- No, but he didn't offer.

Well, he was busy
offering something else.

Oh, no, now I feel terrible.

You should.

Home-wrecker.

We sold out of the
one where he dies,

but we have plenty of the one
where he comes back to life.

No, no...
He's already alive again.

'Cause they're making
a movie about him so...

Hey, Parker!

Could you
hold on a second?

Hi. How's it going?

He can't stop
talking about comics.

He is hooked.

That's so cute.

Hi.

Can I help you with
anything else today?

Okay. Bye.

Hi.

Hi.

So, I know that you
said you're busy,

but is there any night
this week that you

might want to go out
for dinner or something?

I have Parker all week
so I can't get away.

I wish I could.

But, you know,
he's gotta come first.

I totally understand.

This has gotta be super casual.

I gotta take things slow.

Yeah, slow... Totally.

Are you sure
you're okay with that?

Yeah, of course I'm okay.

Slow...
I can do that.

Then he's like,
"Can you handle casual? "

And he has a kid
with his ex-wife.

Maybe he does
just wanna take it slow,

but I just...

I think I'm ready for
something more right now--

Whoa, whoa.

Can we just take
a breath here for a moment?

- I'm trying.
- Hang up. I'm here now.

Oh, right.

Now, first let's take a moment
to celebrate the fact

that you're freaking
out about someone,

and it's not Tom.

You're right.

And it's great to hear that.

But this doesn't
sound all that different.

But I really like this guy.

You've been on what -
like, two dates with him?

And now he says he
wants to keep it casual?

So you either accept that,
or you stop dating him.

There's no in between.

I know, I know.

Can you do casual?

Absolutely not.

You can't engage in this.
It's just repeating a cycle.

They say when it's hysterical,
it's historical.

What does that even mean?

It means that if you're getting
crazy over this guy so soon,

it has nothing to do with him,

and more to do
with how you feel

when you think people
are abandoning you.

Wow.
Where'd you get that from?

Jamie and I read

"Codependent No More"
together at work sometimes.

You're very...
full of wisdom today.

I know.
Let's just go with it.

So what's going on with
your Super Gayby book?

Well, the only place that's
really good for it is Kapow,

and Tom works there now
so I can't bring it to him.

Matt, come on!

You have to stop
letting him get in your way.

I know.

I have to tell you something.

- Bad or good?
- One of each.

Can you give me
the good, please?

I don't think I can handle
the bad right now.

At work today I was
adjusting a posture,

and a woman
elbowed me in the breast.

And out of nowhere
I screamed, "Ow, my tit!"

- Your breasts aren't sensitive.
- They aren't...ever.

- Oh...
- Yeah.

- Really?
- Really.

I went to Dr. Ushma and she
confirmed and everything.

- We're pregnant?!
- We're pregnant!

Oh, my God!
That's amazing!

[giggling]

- Wow! I am so excited!
- Yeah.

Wait, what was the bad thing?

I don't remember.

It mustn't have
been that important.

Are you happy?

- So much so, yeah.
- Me too.

Hello, everyone.

I'm teaching for Jamie tonight.

Hey, Valerie.

Just find your space, okay?

Your space.

Just take a minute.

Just be by yourself
in that space.

Yeah, hi.
What are you doing here?

I take this class every week.

Oh, yeah, right.

Do you mind?

No, no, no...

No.

All right, take a comfortable
seated position, long spine.

All right...

Let's take a deep
inhale through the nose...

Just this first time let's take
it out through the mouth.

Let go of the stresses
of the day.

Okay?

Let go of your job...
your pets...

Okay?

Let go of that confrontation
on the subway, let that go.

Your boyfriends.

Okay? The girlfriends...

The girlfriends that you have

that you don't tell
other girls you have.

Let's just let that go.

Let us think
about responsibility.

Okay? That word.

About being an adult.

Okay?

All those really good qualities,
even if you don't have them...

Let's breathe that in.

And let's exhale
right on out to warrior two.

Let's hold warrior two
for a minute.

Breathing.

Well done.

Breathing.

Nice.

A little deeper.

Does it hurt?
It should probably not hurt.

Keep your head up to the sky.

Excellent, excellent, beautiful.

Oh, this is nice.

This is very balanced.

Take care, be well.

Dude...

Why are you so mad at me?

You have a girlfriend?

We broke up.

I mean, we were
broken up that week.

We break up a lot.

I would never have been
with you if we were together.

I'm not like that.

- Really?
- Really.

We had a connection.

And at the time
I was free to act on it.

Okay.

You know it was really...
it was fun.

Yeah, it was.

And I'm grateful to you.

You helped me.

How?

After I had sex with you,

I realized I wanted
my girlfriend back.

Are you always
this much of a jerk?

No, listen, just...

Who knows what
could have happened?

You could have gotten pregnant.

Our whole lives could've
changed in an instant.

I'm not ready for that
with anyone else.

Great, you could've
told me that in person,

instead of leaving me a note...
Post-it note.

Yeah, that...

That wasn't cool. Sorry.

It's okay.

Thank you for not charging me.

What's different about you?

Oh, I'm stepping up
my work game.

Trying to impress your sister.

Good luck with that.

But...

You're not
pregnant though, right?

Why are you asking me?
We were safe.

Yeah, but come on...

Come on what?

You know the condom broke.

Yeah, and then you pulled out

and put another one
on immediately.

Yeah, and that one broke too.

And then you put on another one.

And that one broke.

The last one broke?

You did not tell me that!

I thought you knew.

And it was a little bit
too late at that point.

Too late?

I was finishing.

And you were telling me
not to stop.

I thought you felt it break
and didn't care.

I care!

Then why do you have a box
of five-year-old condoms

in your medicine cabinet.

There was a layer of dust on
those things like an inch thick.

I haven't needed them lately.

Look, I'm pretty sure that
it broke as I was pulling out,

so if you're not pregnant by now
we have nothing to worry about.

No...
You have nothing to worry about.

You should just go.

You...wanna...maybe?

No. I don't.

You need to go. Now. Out.

All right.

I like this new color.

[sighs]

Hey, did I miss Louis?

I'm sorry, what?

My brother.

Was he in class today?
Did I miss him?

Oh, yeah he was just here.

So, how was he?

In what way?

As a painter.

Oh right...
Yeah, of course, I'm...

I thought that
you meant in class.

Everything was just fine.
He didn't even charge me.

Did you have sex
with my brother?

I...don't--

Oh, my God!
I know that face.

I've been seeing that look
on my friends' faces

since high school.

It just happened one night.

I cannot believe he's still
doing this shit to Susan.

But he said that they broke up.

Yeah.

He breaks up with her
when it's convenient for him.

It won't happen again.

No, it won't.

You should take
a break for a few days.

Take a week off.

Yeah, no...
I don't really need--

It's not a request.

Take a break!

[answering machine beep]

Hey, it's me.
How's our baby?

Are you dealing with
my birthday cake still?

I think I'm gonna invite Scott

to have our first
sleepover after my party.

[beep]
I realized today that I haven't
had sex with anyone but Tom -

oh, and you -
in almost seven years.

That is crazy.

I'm getting really excited
about Friday night.

[beep]

Good morning.
Happy birthday to me!

I really don't want to make
this all about me, Jenn...

but you're ruining
my birthday - again.

[beep]
Jennifer, it's your mother.

(Matt)
I'm getting worried...
Are you okay?

Is the baby okay?

I'm fine.

The baby's fine.

I'm coming right over.

[music plays,
people chattering]

- Oh, darn.
- What?

I forgot the cake.

Don't worry,
I took care of it.

Matt, I have to
tell you something.

What? Oh, wait...

It's not gonna ruin
my birthday, is it?

Did you see Scott
with someone else?

- No.
- Oh.

- How bad could it be then?
- Bad.

You remember the night that
I went back to my apartment

for a few hours, and the
house painter was there.

Mm hmm.

I accidentally
had sex with him.

Oh, no, Jenn.

Do you have
feelings for him or...

I thought he was a jerk.

You depressed?
Do you want a hug?

No.

And it's not that.

Oh.

Of course, we used a condom,
but it broke.

And then we used
another condom and it broke...

And then we used another
condom and that one broke too.

And it was around
the same time--

What do you mean, exactly?

I mean there's
a really small chance

that the baby might be his,
and not yours.

Happy Birthday!

Surprise!

Wait, you didn't tell me
it was a surprise party.

Oh, great!

Now you show up.

Uh, is he...

He is not okay.

I'm gonna wait for this...

For him to come back.

- Do you need help?
- No, not really.

Not that kind...
Maybe later.

Where's Jenn?

She texted me.
She needs me.

Have you seen--
Oh, it's fine.

Where'd you get that shirt?

- Uh...
- It's really cute.

Okay, you can go.

Oh, she's in there.

Oh, aw...

Should we call him again?

I already said
he turned his phone off.

You say a lot of things, Nelson.

Oh, my God,
this is so not about us.

How do you guys
know each other?

We're bar enemies.

She used to troll
at the same bar I hung out at.

Oh, I trolled,
and you hung out?

That's what it looked like.

Anyone who was at The Pipe at
3am was trolling, including you.

Guys, stop.

She's just mad because
she and I have the same type

but I always got first choice,

and she had to settle
for my leftovers.

And if she believes that,
she is out of his mind.

Don't you mix
my gender pronouns.

I will speak in the
her person whenever I want.

- Deal with it, aging twink.
- Feminine bear.

You would be effemina-phobic.
Self-loathe much?

Don't you dare.
I own my womanhood.

I'm a proud Sissy Queen,
Miss Nelly Bear 8.

Checking out
my online profile again?

When I need to laugh.

[cell phone ring tone]
? Hey, girl, hey... ?

[whispers]
Hi.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Okay, bye.

Was that Matt?

Yeah.

He said he won't come home
until you aren't here anymore.

Okay.

And I'm sure this has nothing
to do with what just happened,

but he asked if you
could leave your keys.

Okay.

I should go after her.

She probably needs
some time alone.

But feel free to leave here.

I despise you.

Likewise.

What does the 8 stand for,
Nelly Bear 8?

What do you think?

Don't you flirt with me
if you don't mean it.

Woof.

Bears don't say, "Woof."
They say, "Grrr."

Email me.

Oh, I will.

♫ I look and stare
so deep in your eyes ♫

♫ I touch on you
more and more every time ♫

♫ When you leave
I'm begging you not to go ♫

♫ Call your name... ♫

[answering machine beep]

Pick up.

Linda has me covering
all of your classes.

Please come back to work.
She'll forgive you.

And so will Matt...eventually.

[answering machine beep]

Good news.

Warm-Warm Yoga is so popular

that we've added
two extra classes.

Get it together.

♫ Got me looking so crazy
right now, your love ♫

♫ Got me looking
so crazy right now ♫

♫ Got me looking so crazy
right now, your touch ♫

♫ Got me looking
so crazy right now ♫

♫ Got me hoping you'll save
me right now, your kiss ♫

[answering machine beep]

Jennifer, it's your mother...

♫ Looking so crazy ♫

♫ Love got me looking ♫

♫ Looking so crazy
in love... ♫

♫ Crazy right now... ♫

♫ Got me looking,
looking, looking... ♫

♫ Looking so crazy ♫

This is incredible.

It's the best thing
you've ever done.

It's just a comic book.

Super-Gayby?

I think we both know
exactly what this is about.

I can't talk about it.

Let's talk about
anything else. Please.

Anything? Fine.

I went to dinner with Tom
and his friends last night.

Awesome...
How is he?

Still the same - boring.

He got another
promotion at work.

Everything comes
so easily to him.

I know, that always
drove me crazy.

We have actual challenges,
but we face them.

Like when I quit
smoking and got fat,

and got too depressed to shave,
I turned myself into a bear.

- And you--
- Okay...

Is this a pep talk?
'Cause I can't.

Look...

It does not matter
whose sperm it was.

That baby is yours and Jenn's.

You're gonna make
an amazing father.

I know it.
Could you just not cop out?

How much for the pink thing?

That's a mounted ceramic
elephantine bust - and not now.

I'm sorry, I'm conversing
with my distressed friend.

- Bitchy queen.
- Yup.

And you...

Can you just be
a father to that baby

so it doesn't grow up
to be a douche bag

Iike everybody else
in this city.

All the good people
have moved.

Do you have anything
that will make me

not want to stay
in bed until I die?

I can mix something that
will improve your mood.

Not the horny goat though,
that was a disaster.

It really is one of the
better energy and mood boosters.

I don't need
that kind of energy.

Okay, we'll leave it out.
I have a mood mix.

It will give you vivid dreams,
but it's really effective.

But having more energy
and a better mood

is not gonna solve
all your problems.

Oh, trust me, I know.

Hey, Scott.
It's Matt...

I got your gift...
the broken watch.

And I get it.

I'm cool with taking it slow.

As long as slow means that
we're only dating each other,

and no one else.

That's all.

Gimme a call,
I hope you're good.

Okay, bye.

Wait...
Today's Wednesday, right?

Did I come in
on the wrong day?

No. Yeah, today's Wednesday.

So I thought
this was your day off.

It's okay.

I decided to work
on Wednesdays now,

so I could see
all my industry friends

who come in on Wednesday.

Yeah, I get that.

Good, 'cause, um,
I kinda have to ask you

to not come in
on Wednesdays anymore -

if that's okay?

When should I come in?

Well, Cosmic Comics
is only five blocks away.

You could go there.

It's closer to where you live.

I hadn't thought about that...

What's going on
with you today?

You're being so...assertive.

Well, while I'm on a roll,
I have a favor to ask you.

I finished a book.

And I think that Kapow
is the perfect fit and...

Sure, yes.

I don't know why you
haven't asked me before.

Of course.

Just send it to me at work.
I'll show it to Larry.

Thank you.

I appreciate it.

I think I'm gonna go...now.

It's good to see you.

I'm glad you're doing well.

I'm proud of you, man!

Thank you.
Did I do okay?

Yeah, oh, yeah.

Victory.

Wake up.

We have to talk.

I can't.

You can get pregnant
with a guy or some other guy,

but you can't talk
to your sister?

- Get up!
- Wait. Who told you that?

Your gay friend.

You talked to Matt?

- No, the other one.
- Jamie?

Who can keep track of names
with all your gay friends?

I mean, having a girlfriend
wouldn't kill you.

Well, who could live up to you?

Shut up.

Look...

My adoption isn't working out.

So...I have a solution.

Give me your baby.

Wha-- What?

You can barely
take care of yourself.

How are you gonna
handle a baby?

I do just fine.

Do you even have a job anymore

after banging
your boss' brother?

Jamie told you that too?

He told me everything.

I bought him lunch.
He's a cheap date.

You know, I can get
a new job any day.

Let's be real here.

I have a husband...
with a great job.

I have a nursery ready.

I can do hair if I want,
but I don't need to work.

Wait...
Are you serious?

Yeah, your kid would
have a better life with me.

Who the hell
do you think you are?

A baby needs two parents.

This baby has two parents.

Almost three.
But I mean real parents.

When Matt forgives me,

he's going to be
an amazing father.

He works at a comic book store
like a fat person.

Since when does parenting
have to do with your job,

or your money,
or your waistline?

How much money do you have?

Are you planning on
getting yours from the trust?

I can block it.

Uncle Henry
always listens to me.

You know that.

I don't need that money.
I am great at what I do.

My latest class is a smash
and I can teach it anywhere.

And you can
raise a baby alone...

even if Matt
doesn't forgive you?

- You really think that's true?
- I know that it's true.

I love this baby.

I'm going to do
everything in my power

to make sure
it has the best life.

Good.

Now go take a shower
and get yourself together.

We have a big day ahead of us.

Wait, are you off your meds?

Come on, Jenn,
it's called tough love.

Do you really think
I wanted your baby?

I don't need two.

Sade is coming next week.
I totally fibbed.

Really? That's so fantastic.

Wait, Sade?
It's not Sadie?

Sade is cooler.

Yeah.

I think that fight
might have been

the most amazing thing
you've ever done for me.

I know.

I'm fantastic.

Now come on.

Go get your job
and your gay daddy back,

so we can shop for
our babies all weekend.

So, you're not dead.

I should kill you
for telling my sister...

but thanks.

You're welcome.

Where's Valerie?

She left to get her PhD.

Oh, wow.

Is Linda here?

She's in her office.

Good luck.

Hi, Linda, I'm here.

I'm really sorry
I slept with your brother.

I've been trying to get pregnant
and I was basically in heat.

And we had a kind of
an animal moment--

Stop. I don't wanna hear
anymore about that.

Of course.

You know, I'm coming into
some money soon.

It's not a lot, but...

I was thinking maybe I could
buy into the business,

so I can have a stake,

and maybe a future here.

Oh, that's interesting.

I would love to go on vacation.

I'm ready to do it.

You know, your Warm-Warm
Yoga idea has really taken off -

even with the silly name.

Why don't we go
to the park tomorrow

and get a yogurt
and discuss it?

That sounds really nice.

I always meant to be friendlier.

I am jealous of what
you and Jamie have.

Maybe we could restart
our friendship today.

Okay.

Hey, when you go
will you take that package out

and give it to Jamie
to take to the post office?

Yeah, sure.

Thanks.

Oh, a package.
That's good news.

It means you weren't fired.

Actually, it's for you.

Bitch.

I'll take it.
I have my moped.

Should you even
be riding that thing?

I'm pregnant...

I ride a moped...

I teach hot yoga...

I rock.

Work. Take a day off.

And then work.

- Work.
- Work.

Yeah, yeah, yeah...

I'm gonna get a coffee.

Hi, I'm Neil.

Hi, I'm Jenn.

He's really cute.

Well, why don't you
have sex with him too?

He's single.

Matt, I'm sorry.

I don't want to hear it.

It's not about that.

About what then?

I stopped talking
to you in college

because the very next night
after we had sex,

you made out with Josh Spitz,
right in front of me.

And you were jealous?

You knew that I had
the hugest crush on him,

and you always said
you thought he was gross.

He was so gay though, Jenn.

I have no gaydar.

It's my thing.

And it seemed like you
were doing it on purpose,

because you didn't want me
to get any ideas about us.

No, not at all.

I think I was high on ecstasy.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I think I was
really, really high on ecstasy

and I made out with him

because he was
standing in front of me.

Wow.

I was really hurt.

I thought it was all about me.

You often do.

Matt, it is gonna be our baby,
no matter what.

Damn right it is.

You should have just
told me right away...

and not on my birthday,
at my party.

I have a new rule -
never on a birthday.

Never on my birthday.

It really was an accident.

And I didn't have sex
with anyone for months.

I blew up at Scott
on my birthday.

I'm really sorry.

I'll let you know when I'm
ready to accept your apology.

- Now?
- No.

- Now?
- No!

Now?

Okay, but only because we have
a lot of baby planning to do.

Let's do it again.

No, I gotta go pump.

Can I help?

You've done enough already.

Can't you just tell them
you're gonna be a little late?

No, it's Matt's birthday.

Hi.

Jenn, Jenn, Jenn...
You know no shoes on this floor.

I need that milk, and sanitize.

Hey, do we--

Shh...
Logan's trying to sleep.

Hey. You look good.
What took you so long?

Neil's downstairs.

We finally had sex.

Like a whole bunch of times.

Did you use a condom?

What's a condom?

Of course we used a condom.

Okay, I know you know this,
so forgive me,

but don't let him
stay up past 8 or 8:15,

otherwise he'll be up all night.

- I'm his mommy too.
- I know, sorry.

Jeez, he's like super-daddy.

Thank God.

Can you imagine if we had
to raise a kid by ourselves?

[baby coos]

I absolutely cannot.

Me either.

Oh, birthday...

Happy...birthday.

Oh, you framed it!
That's so sweet.

Hey, look, look...

It's you.

And that's me.

And that's him.

- And that's your mommy.
- That's her!

Where should I put it?

Just put it right here.

Thank you!

- You're welcome.
- So much!

Love you.

I wish you could
come with us tonight,

but he wants to have
the night out alone.

He has a surprise for me.

I know...

I am so excited that he's
going to ask you to marry him.

What?

You looked like you knew.
You didn't know?

No!

I am...
a compulsive birthday ruiner.

No, it's okay.

It's more than okay...

Okay, guys, we gotta go.
We have reservations.

Yes.

Bye little one.
I'm gonna miss you.

Bye-bye.

Wow.

You really do
look just like your daddy.

[baby coos]