Gary Gulman: It's About Time (2016) - full transcript

Ladies and gentlemen,
Gary Gulman.

Thank you.

Really, it's...

Thank you very much.
That was... That was too much.

Sometimes I do things
that are so lazy,
that I'm proud of it.

The other night,
I bought a movie on iTunes,

that I own on DVD.

Just so I wouldn't have
to get out of bed.

I could've reached my DVDs.

The collection was
right there on my bed.

I could've reached over
to the shelf,
grabbed the DVD.



But then I thought to myself,
"Yeah, but you're not gonna be

able to just flick it in there.

You're not a magician."

So I said, "You know what?

If Shawshank Redemption

is under $15 on iTunes,
I'm buying it."

$14.99.

And sold.

And I was so thrilled.
I told all my friends.

They were proud of me.

But then I told
my older brother.

He's such a miser.

He was angry.
He was angry, and he...

He has that Boston accent
that's just... It's so thick.



And I got rid of it,
so people would understand
what I was saying.

And he just...
He relishes it.

He calls me Ga.

He can't even summon
the energy to say, "Gar."

Ga!

"Ga, what are you doing, Ga?

What are you doing, kid?

Come on, pal, buddy, chief,
boss, dude, bro, guy,

what are you doing
buying a movie
you already own, for $15?"

I'm like, "What, it's $15.
Who cares about $15."

"No, it adds up, kid.

It adds up, guy.
$15 here, $15 there.
It adds up, guy."

Not my philosophy.

"It adds up." Please.

Let me tell you something
and pay attention
because this is true.

It only adds up
if you add it up.

You're never gonna be $15
away from your dream house.

But you're always
$15 away from owning
Shawshank on iTunes.

So get busy living
or get busy dying.

My mom called today.

Um, she can only
be reached by phone.

She can't text.

She can't email.
She doesn't have a computer.

She uses telephone 1.0.

It's incredible.

I almost admire it.

It's... How far
the cell phone has been...

We're not satisfied
with a telephone
for nine months.

They were satisfied
with the telephone.

It was invented in 1876.

It didn't become wireless
till 1982.

A 106 years till you could take
it out of the kitchen.

I'm aggravated that I can't use
my phone on an airplane.

My mom was relegated
to a three-foot radius

around the refrigerator
for a 106 years.

Never said a word about it.

Unbelievable.

We have a completely different
relationship with the phone.

She talks to people on it.

To me the phone is just
this seldom used app
on my phone.

And if you use it on me,
I am fucking furious.

How dare you?

You call me unprovoked,
out of the blue.

You text me first to see
if I'm even accepting
phone calls today.

And I will text you back
with a window.

It's crazy that we even call
the iPhone a phone.

Calling it a phone
is like calling

a Lexus convertible
a cup holder.

An incredibly elaborate
cup holder.

I mostly use my phone to read.

I read books on there
all the time,

and I'm blown away by it.

You can download
a book of 400 pages

in eight seconds.

Compare that
to the delivery system
I grew up with.

The Scholastic Book Club.

It took me 10 days
to get my mom
to write out a check,

Ten business days,
that was her policy.

And the procedure was
you'd bring in the check,
the last Friday in September,

they delivered the book,
senior year of high school.

I got my diploma and Hop on Pop
the same afternoon.

And my verbal reflected it.

I read on it.

I mostly use it
to get information.

Right, with Google and whatnot.

And you could use...
You could use the telephone
to get information

by calling 411.

But you got
very little information.

You can still call them.
Do you know that 411
is still in business?

They're not expecting your call.

They used to answer it,
"City and state."

They now answer,
"You're shitting me."

"How did you get
this phone number?"

"I memorized it."

And they give you
no information.

Can you imagine asking
a 411 operator

for the information you can get

from a simple five-second
Google or Yelp search?

"What listing?"

"Um, every movie theater

within a 25-mile radius
of where I'm standing."

"Where are you standing?"

"You tell me."

"Is that all?"
"No. That's far from all.

I want movies and show times,

I also want
an alphabetical listing
of all the actors.

I want to know
what else they've been in.

I want a review of this movie.

Also, I want to know
if they've been in anything
with Kevin Bacon.

Then I want you to see
if any of my friends
are in the area.

And if they are,
I'd like you to see
if they're hungry.

Find a Thai-fusion,
Viking restaurant for us.

Make us reservations
and let them know

that Anna is allergic
to shell fish.

Now play Born To Run.

We want all our music
on the phone.

I can't believe we had
the gall to ask for that.

"We want all our music
on the phone."

"You want all your music
on the phone?"

"No, no, I'm sorry. I misspoke.

We want all the music."

"Every song ever
on my phone now."

"Okay, we can do that.
But, like, what are you willing
to pay for it?"

"Senator, my offer is this.
Nothing."

"Nothing. You kidding.
I won't even pay
for the phone."

It's incredible how far
the phone has come.

And why?

Because we complain.

We whine, "We want more.
It's too slow.
The battery dies."

And our parents' phone sucked
'cause they never complained
about anything.

And I don't know why?

I think it was
because they were just
so happy to be alive.

So, my parents are 88 and 83.

They're from
The Greatest Generation.

And I admire them.
They never complained
about anything,

and they survived
the worst times
I can even think of.

My parents lived
through World War II,

the Great Depression,
the polio epidemic.

Military draft.

My father was drafted
into World War II.

We wouldn't put up with that.

A military draft.

I won't tolerate
a cold air draft.

If they open up two
consecutive doors downstairs,

and I get a breeze,
I'm out of here, I walk.

My father... They didn't care.

It's incredible.
A polio epidemic.

Sixty thousand Americans
a year would get polio.

And you never even hear
them talk about all the polio.

They never bring it up.

We got three cases of Ebola,
the country shut down
for six weeks.

The wanted to impeach
the president.

I saw pictures
of President Obama
with a Hitler mustache.

A Hitler mustache,
and I investigated.

I said, "How?
How is he like Hitler?"

They said,
"Socialized medicine."

"Yeah, that wasn't
our big gripe with Hitler."

Are you kidding me?

We're fine with the health care.

President Obama
appointed a Jewish woman
to the Supreme Court.

A Jew broad.

To the Supreme Court.
Whereas Hitler...

Hitler was notorious
for not hiring Jews.

It was a real thing with him
especially towards the end.

My parents survived
World War II,

the Great Depression,
the polio epidemic,

military draft.

Pulp.

Pulp in their orange juice.

Unregulated, unlimited pulp
in their orange juice,

never breathed a word about it.

Then we came along,
took one sip...

"What was that?"

Pulp? What is...
There's orange
in my orange juice?

Do something now!"

And Tropicana rolled right over.

Rolled right over.
"All right. All right.
The pulp is gone.

We've gotten rid
of all the pulp.
Are you happy?"

"Well..."

"Well?"

"Can we keep some?"

"Can we keep some pulp?"

"How much is some pulp?"

"I don't know. A pinch of pulp.
A dash of pulp."

My parents had three
TV channels.

We have three levels of pulp
in our orange juice.

We're so spoiled.

I wanted to recommend
two documentaries.

One, Helvetica.

Riveting. Riveting.

I've seen it twice.
I gave it five stars.

I loved it.
And now you're thinking,

"Not the font."

Yeah, the font.

"Wait a minute.
Is it about fonts?"

It's about font.

Helvetica.

"Helvetica bold?" No.

No, they didn't have time
to cover the more exotic fonts
of the typeface.

When you spend 20 minutes
deconstructing a lowercase "M",

you're not gonna have time
to go into the kinkier forms.

So that one was great.
Here's another one.

It's about the men
and one woman,

who abbreviated all 50 states
down to two letters.

Now... This one comes
with a little preface.

Or if it's the first time
you've heard the word
said out loud,

a little "pre-face."

I was saying "pre-face"
for a really long time.

And then I heard it
said out loud probably once,

and I think, "Yeah, shit. I'm.

I've been wrong for a long time.

'Pre-face.' Of course,
of course, it's preface.

How long have
I been saying 'pre-face?'

How long have I had
the verbal equivalent
of spinach in my teeth?"

It's embarrassing.

I was also saying "quino."

And then... And I'm still not.

It's "keen-wah."

It's "keen-wah."
I don't... I don't...

It sounds so pretentious.

"Keen-wah."

My nose involuntarily rises
when I say "keen-wah."

It's spelled "quinoa",
it should be "quino."

But it's "keen-wah."

'Cause of the type
of people who eat it.

"Keen-wah."

I don't think it will be
"keen-wah" everywhere.

The South is not gonna
put up with that.

They resist health food
and change with equal vigor.

They honestly
equate health food
with homosexuality.

I once ordered an egg white
omelet in Knoxville, Tennessee.

And yes, of course,
I pronounced it egg "whaite"
just to irritate them.

Egg white...
You would've thought

I had ordered
the balls-in-my-mouth.

The way they reacted
to me holding the yolks.

So they're not gonna
say "keen-wah."

They'll say "quino-"

till they can come up
with a folksy,

but offensive nickname for it.

"Y'all...
Y'all try these Jew grits?"

"Tell you what.
You add a little bacon
and butter to 'em,

they ain't bad,
which is ironical

'cause them Heebs
don't care for bacon.

So the preface is this.

It's a movie about the men
and one woman

who abbreviated all 50 states
down to two letters.

But if you're too young
or you don't remember,

there was a time
in this country
where every state

had a different
length abbreviation.

It was chaos.

Massachusetts was "M-A-S-S."

New York was "N-Y".

But like Utah was "Uta".

They just dropped the "H".

But then in like 1973,

the post office said,
"No, this can't be anymore.

We need uniformity.

Every state must have
a two capital-letter
abbreviation."

So they brought together
a crack squad of abbreviators.

They assembled a rag-tag
outfit of rogues, misfits,
and ne'er-do-wells.

"How often do well?"

"Ne'er."

"E'er?" "No, ne'er."

They ne'er did well.

And these brave men
and one woman

were charged with abbreviating
all 50 states down
to two letters.

Now I read the description
and I thought to myself,

"How are they gonna make
a 98-minute documentary

about a task
that couldn't have taken

more than six minutes
to complete."

Boy, was I wrong.

It was an adventure every bit
as compelling as Helvetica.

A tour de force.

Ups and downs, ins and outs,
friends became enemies.

Enemies became friends.

They started off, they thought
it was gonna be easy.

No.

They said,
"What's the first one."
"Alabama."

"A-L. My God, this is easy.

We're gonna be finished
before they stop
serving breakfast

in the hotel restaurant."

Which was 9:30.

It's too early.

And the boss said, "Guys,

if we finish before they stop
serving breakfast,

breakfast is on me."

And one of the guys said,
"I hope they have
an omelet station."

Just for context,
the omelet station
had just been invented,

and understandably,
it was sweeping the nation.

This guy was thrilled.
He was like, "I hope
they have an omelet station."

And this other guy said,
"You know what?

I'm not comfortable
with the Omelet station.

I just feel like
the omelet chef resents you.

You know,
'cause he didn't want
to be the omelet chef

he wanted to be the chef-chef.

And now he's making
like the easiest dish

while you and your ugly wife,
and your stupid kids
are watching him,

demanding he put more ham cubes
into a Denver omelet

that's already busting
with cheese.

And you get turkey-bacon,
and now it's healthy. No.

I think, one day
he's gonna snap,

and I don't wanna be there
when it happens."

And they said, "Well,
then just get Eggs Benedict."

"I don't like
holiday sauce."

"Did you just
say holiday sauce?"

"It's hollandaise,
you fucking moron."

And the boss said,
"Guys, can we get back
to abbreviating the states,

we still have 49 left."

Apologies were made
and an understanding
was reached,

and they went back
to abbreviating.

They said, "What's next?"
"Alaska."

"Everybody cool with A-L?"

But somebody caught it.

"Sir, I think we might have
used that one before."

"Are you sure?" "Pretty sure."

"Well, let's just
check the minutes.

Dottie!

Dottie, read the minutes
back to us."

Dottie was
the wise-cracking secretary.

Every 1970s office
had a wise-cracking secretary.

And 60% of them
were named Dottie.

The other 40%, Carol.

But this one was Dottie,
and she was a card.

A... A pistol,
a hot ticket.

Dottie was sassy.

They said, "Dottie,
read the minutes back to us."

This is so Dottie.

How Dottie is this?

She goes,
"You mean the minute."

That is quintessential Dottie.

That is Dottie in a nutshell.

He said, "Dottie.
What are we gonna
do with you?"

"Spank my ass
and make me a martini."

"Dottie.

Dottie, you're incorrigible.

Now read the minutes
back to us, you little vixen."

And she said,
"It's hollandaise,
you fucking moron."

"Et tu, Dottie, et tu."

"How do you know Shakespeare,

but you don't know hollandaise?

That is a paradox.

Anyhow Alaska, A-L.
Alabama, A-L.

We did use
that one before, boss."

And boss said...
He was a leader,

you gotta give him
credit for this.

He was a leader.
He said, "Guys, not a big deal.

We'll come back to it.
We'll go ahead,

we'll circle back around,
we'll get it.

It's not gonna happen again."

Certainly not gonna
happen 27 more times.

Foreshadowing.

"So what's the next one?"
"Arizona." "A-R."

"Boom, I told you. Next."

"Arkan..." "Shit!"

"All right. I'm sorry, guys.
I... All right, all right.

Let's just keep going.
We'll come back...
Come back to it.

"California." "C-A.
All right. There we go."

"Colorado."
"C-O. Some momentum."

"Connecticut." "Fuck me hard!"

"Somebody needs a drink."
"Not now, Dottie!"

"You vulgar lush."

By the time they got to Maine,
Maryland, Massachusetts,

followed by Michigan,
Minnesota, Mississippi,
and Missouri,

shots were fired.

They were
at each other's throats.

They did what any
savvy business would do.

They hired a consultant.

They brought in a contractor.

Not a "con-tractor".
A "cun-tractor".

A man who made words smaller.

By combining them
or apostrophizing them.

And he was the best.

He was very respected
in that field.

He was very well-known

because he had done
some of the greatest
abbreviations of all times.

He wrote, "o'clock."

Many years ago, we would say,

"It's nine of the clock.
It's ten of the clock."

This man said,
"We don't need the 'of-of.'"

"I'll do that
with a sky comma."

That's how long ago it was.

The apostrophe
hadn't been named yet.

He also wrote "Beli'e that?"

Huge in some communities.

He also wrote
the most controversial
abbreviation of all time.

He wrote "won't".

People said, "How are you gonna
abbreviate 'will not'

and not use a single 'I'?"

He said, "Watch me."

"What are you saying?
I won't be able to do it?

I just did!"

Long story short,
they made it on time
for breakfast.

So, I'm a... I'm a Jewish man.

Not, Not very religious.

I believe in God. Not a fan.

And I don't know how we are...

Why we are
so dedicated to this God

who is clearly trying
to get rid of us.

Honestly, I really believe
that Judaism...

We are the most dedicated group
to God

that I feel safe mocking.

I just don't know
how we're so dedicated.

Every 75 pages
of the Old Testament,

we're nearly wiped out.

The Old Testament,

which is like a compilation
of Jewish suffering.

The Old Testament is our Bible.

The New Testament,
tremendous sequel.

Which is unusual
because usually when you
add a new character,

late in a series,

it goes off the rails.

But Christianity,
without a doubt,

the most successful spin off
in entertainment history.

I like to call Jesus
the Frasier of Nazareth.

I mean, just the Old Testament,
we get our asses
kicked so frequently.

That book should be called,
"He's Just Not That Into You."

Which is a good book.
He's Just Not That Into You
is an excellent book.

More practical than the Bible.

The Bible will tell you
how many goats

you owe your neighbor
for stealing his wheat.

But He's Just Not That Into You
gives you practical advice.

Like if he doesn't text you
back the same day you text him,

he's just not that into you.

If he asks you out
for Saturday on Saturday,

not that into you.

This one's kind of obscure.

If he enslaves you
in Egypt for 400 years...

And then "delivers" you
to the only strip of land
in the Middle East

without an oil well beneath it,

not that into you.

Not into you.

It's clear Yahweh
wants to see other people.

I'm not religious.
I won't wear...
I won't wear a yarmulke.

Even if God said,
"I'll let you into heaven,
just wear the yarmulke."

"I'm good."

And the reason is so crass,
but it's the truth.

The reason I don't wear
a yarmulke

is because I wanna have sex
with non-Jewish women.

That's my heaven.

And they're not into that look.
That is not a look.

No non-Jewish woman,
looking at that guy...

"He is so pious."

"Wow, I would wear
a wig for that.

A wig and a jeans skirt
that scrapes
across the sidewalk."

"I would gladly walk
four paces behind that."

This, not a fetish.

Not a fetish.
You wanna stump PornHub?

Type "orthodox Jew"
into the search box.

And then stand back
because your computer
will smoke.

Not that religious.
We've just been
in too many scrapes

over the years.

My... This is great.

My friend recommended
a documentary to me recently
about Hitler.

It was
about Hitler's atrocities.

But my friend, God love her,

she couldn't think
of the word "atrocities".

She tried to cover for a second
She went, "..."

while she searched
for a synonym.

But it didn't come out right.

She said, "Gary, I saw this
very interesting documentary
about Hitler's...

shenanigans."

Shenanigans.

Not even close.

And as a Jew,

I'm obviously not
overly sensitive,

but when people trivialize
Hitler's monkey-business...

When the Nazis hijinksed
tomfoolery and ballyhoo

is understated,

I feel it does a disservice
to the millions

who were, inconvenienced...

by Hitler's mischief.

"Tomay-toh, tomah-toh"

Shenanigans, genocide.

Now... Now, I'd like
to tell you a story

of a meltdown I had
at Trader Joe's.

First of all,
let me preface this.-

Let me preface this by saying
that I love Trader Joe's.

I love them. They are so nice.

They all do each other's jobs.

There's no hierarchy.
There's...

I... It sounds Communist.

And maybe it's Communist.

But at least it's not
Soviet world code...
Communism.

I would characterize
the Communism

at Trader Joe's as Narnian.

Narnian during the reign
of Aslan, the lion.

Obviously, it's not gonna be
the White Witch.

God forbid.

During the reign
of Aslan, the lion.

Aslan, the lion, let me add...

The most obvious Christ figure
in the history of literature.

I called it in fifth grade,
and I'm a Jew.

When we got to the part
in The Lion, Witch, Wardrobe

where Aslan dies,

and the kids were weeping.

They were so distraught.

And I remember,
I was so cool, I said,

"Hold your tears.

If this goes
where I think it's going,

he'll be back on Sunday."

And sure enough...

They're so nice at Trader Joe's.

They always compliment me
on one of the items I chose.

It feels so good.

Like, "Have you tried
the olive oil popcorn?"

And I always make
the same adorable quip.

I always say, "Tried it.
I can barely
keep it in stock."

Let me tell you
why that's funny.

I'm not the purchasing agent
for a grocery store.

I'm just a guy.

They compliment me on my item.

They know what to do
because I bring my own bag,

and they know
what to do with it.

A lot of grocery stores,
they're dumbfounded by that.

I've had them
put my reusable bag

into a plastic bag.

"Did you think
that your store sells
PBS tote bags,

is that what you thought?

No, no, no.
That's only available
with a $100 contribution."

Yeah, I contribute
along with the John D.

And Catherine T. MacArthur
Foundation.

The Bill and to-a-lesser-extent
Melinda Gates Foundation.

The Chubb Group.

What age do you get
to when you don't laugh

when you say, "Chubb Group."

And viewers like me.

I bring my own bag.
That tells you everything
you need to know about me.

Thoughtful,
environmentally conscious,
good lover.

Patient, attentive lover.
That's what that says.

Bring my own bag.

And a lot of times...
Now this is...

You're gonna be like,
"This is insignificant,"

but I'm gonna show you
something that they do
at Trader Joe's

that makes me so happy.

I pay with a credit card,
and I have to go
to sign the receipt,

and a lot of times
I have my tote bag
over my shoulder.

So I can't get leverage
with two...

I don't have
two hands available.

I can't get leverage.

And at Trader Joe's,
they subtly,

very subtly put their hand
on the top of the receipt

and give me that leverage,
so I can make
that quality signature.

And it's the most intimate
moment of my day.

When that person looks at me,

and without saying a word says,
"You're not alone."

"Thank you.
Thank you."

And I can feel my brain awash
in serotonin and dopamine.

I can. And then...

Then I read this study...

I didn't...
I didn't read a study.

It was a summary of a study.

All right,
I read this summary of a study

that psychiatrists did

where these little interactions
during the day,

the "hello" to a neighbor,

the, "Hey, nice weather
we're having," or whatever.

Any of those
little interactions
during the day,

raise your level of serotonin
and dopamine in your brain.

Serotonin and dopamine,
that's the same thing
you get from your...

From your Prozac, your Zyprexa,
your Effexor, your Celexa.

Whatever you use
to drive over the bridge

without getting out of the car.

I won't judge you.
I'm on everything
but roller skates right now.

They're so nice at Trader Joe's.

They always ask me
if I found everything
I was looking for today.

And I don't even think
it's limited
to their inventory.

I honestly believe
that if I told the cashier,

"Well, today... Today
I couldn't find a friend."

I feel like
she would stop everything

and say to her boss, "Bev, Bev,

I'm gonna take
my 15-minute early,
if that's okay.

This young man needs a ear
and I have two of them."

I don't write for women well,
I apologize.

That's the knock on me.

They say,
"Did you find everything
you were looking for,"

at other grocery stores,
but they don't mean it.

They don't mean it.
They're just saying it

just in case you're
the undercover shopper.

They don't mean it.
They just want you
to get out of the store.

Just say yes. "Did you find
everything you're looking..."
Just say yes.

And get out of the store.
What am I
gonna hold up the line

because you couldn't find
your 100-calorie Oreo cookies.

Hundred-calorie Oreo cookies
are such a scam.

They're such a scam.

They're neither Oreos
nor cookies.

They're chocolate-flavored
oyster crackers.

Which is fine
if the soup of the day
is marshmallow bisque.

But it's lentil.
It's always lentil.

At least where I sup.

At Trader Joe's,

they ask if you found
everything you were looking
for today,

I followed up with them.
I said, "Well, last week
I was here,

and I got some fair trade,
conflict-free pumpkin seeds.

And this week all I could find
is the conventional,

the unfair trade,
blood pumpkin seeds."

Depicted in the ever-so
traumatizing documentary,
Blood Pumpkin Seeds.

I said, "Are you out of them?"

She said, "Did you check
all 60 of our snack aisles?"

"I did.

I even checked all 35
of your trail mix varieties.

Nine of which contain M&M's,
how are you
getting away with that?

Please, point me to this trail
where I can pick
candy-covered chocolate

with Times New Roman
M's typed on the side."

I said, "I couldn't find them."
That's when she rang a bell,

and the stock boy,
who's also the chief
financial officer,

he came running up the aisle
with my pumpkin seeds,

and a bottle of spiced cider
that he said might be
a fine compliment,

and it was.

It was. It was the Pinot Noir
to my pumpkin seeds
Chilean sea bass,

I shit you not.

"'Might be?'
Why you humble son of a bitch."

So, now of course,
that begs the question,

"How did you have a meltdown
in this Shangri-La?

"How did you lose your mind
in this Xanadu?"

The people who shop there.
Godless savages.

They're pushy,
they're aggressive,
they're hostile, they cheat.

You say, "How do you cheat
at a grocery store."

It's easy.
You put your cart
in the checkout line

with a few items in it,

and then you abandon it,
and go get more things,

and bring it back,
and shuttle back and forth.

And don't worry,
the schmuck behind you

will push the cart forward
when the line moves.

And I was that schmuck.

I was that schmuck, that putz,
that yutz that schmendrick,

that schlemiel,
that schmegegge,
that schlub, that zhlob,

that schmo, that schnook.

Eskimos have
a 100 different words for snow,

Jews, we have
a 100 different words
for loser.

'Cause we have
so many fucking cousins.

And then,
recently my tune changed.

I said, "You know what?
I'm sick of pushing
their cart forward."

They're taking advantage,
they never come back
and say thank you,

they never apologize.

So I have a new policy,
when the line goes ahead,

I go ahead of their cart,

and strictly because
I'm spiteful and vengeful,

I steal an item from their cart.

And I am diabolical.

I always pick an item
that will cause domestic strife

were it to go missing.

And then, I just fantasize
about said strife.

I've got this whole fantasy
in my head

about the husband coming home,

and he just wants to put on
his salmon-colored slacks,

pop his collar
and watch The O'Reilly Factor.

But he wants a snack.

And his wife
was at Trader Joe's today.

So he goes into the kitchen,
and he starts looking

through all
the brown paper bags
on the island in the kitchen.

One, brown paper bags,
they don't recycle these.

Two, they have an island
in their kitchen.

Do you know
how wealthy you have to be

to have an island
in your kitchen
in New York City.

A land mass in your kitchen.

Do you know
how wealthy you have to be

to have a kitchen
in your kitchen
in New York City.

And they have an island.

I hate them already.

And he's going through,
and he's becoming
increasingly angry.

"She got the cookie butter.

Of course,
she got the cookie butter.

She got
The Trader Jose's salsa,
of course.

Where the fuck is
my Kashi Go Lean Crunch carrot?

I've got the Crunch.

I have the Crunch.

And it's marinating
in almond milk
as he loses his mind.

The other thing I like to do,
and this is strictly...

Well, this is community service.

I invite any elderly women
in the vicinity
to cut ahead with me.

You say, "How do you
get elderly women
to join you in your pursuits?"

I appeal to their vanity.

I say, "Come on, girls."

When elderly women
are referred to as "girls",

for the first time since
the Cuban Missile Crisis...

They light up.

One of the women
was so overcome with lust,

she was fanning
herself with her hand,

which any third grade teacher
will tell you is futile.

Fanning herself with her had,
she said,"Young man,

young man,
if you had any idea
how old I am."

And I said, "Phyllis..."

"Phyllis, I have some idea
how old you are.

The fact that
the department of Commerce

discontinued the first name
Phyllis in 1933,

I can ballpark it,
you randy minx."

The only thing with the elderly,

they're The Greatest Generation
people,

so, they're rule followers.

They're like,
"What's gonna happen

when the woman comes
back to the cart?"

"Well, Rose, Blanche..."

"Dorothy...

There'll be a showdown,
and I'll handle it."

I know what we're dealing
with here.

I've profiled this criminal.

Based on the time of day,
and the neighborhood,

I know what she's gonna
look like.

3:00 p.m. Upper West Side.

Wealthy.

Also, she's shopping healthy,

which means she exercises,
she works out.

She's gonna have that body
because she goes to pilates,
yoga, soul cycle.

She's gonna have
that combination body

where the head
doesn't really match.

'Cause there's no yoga
pose for the face.

So you have these minotaurs
walking around the city,

with the lower body
of a yoga instructor,

and the head of a Komodo dragon.

And that's what came
back to the cart.

That's what came
back to the cart,
armful of frozen foods.

Now why is that significant?

Well, at this particular TJ's
where I trade,

it means she went
downstairs to frozen foods.

It's a 10-minute round trip.
The audacity. Nay.

The temerity.

To go downstairs
to frozen foods,

come back with an armful
and said,

and I quote, "Yeah, no."

She said "yeah,"
but then she said "no".

I hate that expression so much.

It is the ultimate
in passive aggressive.

They get your hopes up
with the "yeah",

only to dash them
upon the rocks of "no".

"Yeah, no. I was ahead of you."

I hate, "Yeah, no."

It's my third
most hated expression.

Number three is, "Yeah, no."

Number two,
"At the end of the day."

I hate, "At the end of the day".

They think they're so smart,

starting their sentences with,
"At the end of the day".

And they really
wind it off with,
"At the end of the day..."

Look...

They say so much
and say nothing.

They just go on and on
with these little...

Look, listen, nothing, nothing.

I'm just thinking out loud here.

Here's the thing. The thing is,
when it comes right down to it,

when all is said and done,
when push comes to shove,

at the end of the day,
it is what it is.

Just saying.

At the end of the day,
I'm just saying...

Those people...
I hate...

I hate them, I hate them.

It's wrong to hate somebody
for their expressions,
but I do it.

At the end of the day,
they think they're so...

And then, they drop some
empty cliche on you.

"At then end of the day,
it's all about family
and community."

"When?

When? At the end of the day?"

What is it at breakfast?
Hookers and cocaine.
Is that what it's about?

Just let me plan my day."

And, "Just saying."

"I'm just saying."

They always were just saying

something irritating,
offensive, or ignorant.

Nobody said anything
brave or courageous,

and then backtracked with,
"I'm just saying."

"Give me liberty,
or give me death.
I'm just saying."

"I know those are two
stark alternatives, but...

I just want you
to know I mean it."

"Ask not what
your country can do for you,

ask what you can do
for your country.

Hey, I'm just saying.

If you have the time.
I don't wanna
inconvenience you."

No. It's always some
Facebook status update.
Offensive.

"I never had any trouble
with bears in my backyard

before we elected
a black president.

I'm just saying."

"I'm not saying
there is a correlation,

I'm not saying
there ain't a correlation,
it could be specious."

But this... This woman said,
"Yeah, no. I was ahead of you."

And so I said, "No, yeah."

I flipped it. I said,
"No, yeah.

You were ahead of me,
then you went shopping."

"You can't go downstairs
to frozen foods,

come back with an armful,
and take your spot in line.

The best I can offer you
at this point, ma'am,
is back cuts.

I feel that's
incredibly generous

considering the Golden Girls
have minutes to live."

And I wish I could say
it ended there, but it didn't.

She got violent.

After I said that she
couldn't go ahead of me,

she just rammed ahead.
She rammed me in the basket
with her cart,

sprained my wrist,
crushed my lentil chips,

rendering them useless.
It's for dipping not topping.

And I just stood there...

I don't know what
I was looking for.

A bouncer, I don't know.

I don't know
what I was looking for.

It's Trader Joe's, and I'm like,

"Will somebody...
Will somebody say something?"

I was like,
now I gotta say something.

I gotta take a stand.
At Trader Joe's,
I gotta take a stand."

I don't wanna take a stand.

The most stand I'll take is
I'll insist on a booth
of Cheesecake Factory,

all right,
it's more comfortable.

But I don't like
to take a stand.

But I said, "No,
there's no way. I have to.
I have to say something.

This aggression
will not stand."

So I took a stand, right.
I've seen stands taken.

You need a gesture and a slogan.

And all I could
come up with was...

I used the black power symbol,

which is
completely inappropriate,

from the 1968 Mexican Olympics.

I raised my fist.

But the slogan was even worse.

I said, "This isn't fair."

And like higher-pitched
and whinier than that.

It came out so bad.

My voice was shaking...
"This isn't fair."

And in my... In my fantasy,

it stared a groundswell
of support,

and the people rallied
behind me and they said,

"You know, I'm glad
you said something."

Nothing.

There was silence.
There was no chanting of USA.

There was silence.

Except for one guy
behind me who said,

"Here we go."

Then I looked
to the perimeter for support.

And all there was
was an eerie glow.

As the people
raised their phones,

and switched
from "pic" to "vid".

"No!

I have seriously miscalculated
the political climate
of this Trader Joe's.

They are not ripe
for revolution."

And I would have backed down.
I'm just saying, you know.

I was gonna back down.

But then the woman who cut me...

She couldn't leave
well enough alone.

She woke this sleeping giant.

I said, "This isn't fair."
She turned around and she said,

"You'll get over it."

"You don't know me at all."

You have just ensured
I will never...

I will never get over it.

I am sensitive.
And I hold a grudge.

I have had axes
I have been grinding
since second grade.

There is no way
I will get over this.

I will be bringing it up
on my deathbed.

My last words will be,
"This isn't fair."

It will become my rose bud.
People will analyze,

"What could he have meant by,
'This isn't fair.'

Life is too short?

Life is a tale told by an idiot
full of sound and fury
signifying nothing.

No, no!

A woman cut him in line
56 years ago at Trader Joe's.

The freak never got over it.

I swear to you.
Even though she said
that he would."

So I knew
I wouldn't get over it.
So I...

So I had a, counter attack.

I picked up my basket,

but I didn't make
the same mistake twice.

I didn't want
to get inside of me.

So I picked up my basket,
I jabbed fake left, she bit.

So I crossed over
to get the baseline on her,

but she was spry.

She spun and rammed me
once again in the basket
with her cart.

But I was so drunk
with righteous anger,

that I screamed,
"That's assault.

That is assault.
Ring the bell.
I've been struck."

"I've been struck."

That's when she realized
she'd been out-crazied.

'Cause, you know,
think about it,

I've never said,
"I've been struck."

Nobody has said,
"I've been struck,"
since the 19th century.

I've been struck went out with,
"Good day, sir.

I said, 'Good day, sir.'"

"Good day, sir," of course,
the go-fuck-yourself of 1876.

What a splendid time
in American history.

We'd just say a greeting
in an angry tone,

and everybody knew
you meant business.

So she started her retreat.

She said, "Fine,
you know what, fine.

Fine. Go ahead of me.
If it's that important to you."

It is.

If what's that important to me?

Justice?

Yeah, justice
is that important to me.

It's the cornerstone
of my philosophy.

But she says, "Just know.

Just know you're allowed
to leave your cart
in New York City.

That's how it works."

"Yeah, no."

That's...

That is not how it works at all.

I know how it works.

I've been operating
grocery carts

since I was 11 years old.

My mom felt I was mature enough

not to ruin old ladies'
Achilles Heels with the cart.

I know how it works.
Let me show you
how it works. All right.

Here's your cart.
Here's your foot.

Anything you can reach

without lifting your foot
off the ground,

you can put into your cart.

You cannot lift your leg,

get on an escalator,
go downstairs to frozen foods,

come back with an armful
of Skinny Cows
and Amy's organics,

because you would've lifted
your pivot foot,

and that, my dear, is a travel.

And I'm calling it.

Had she just asked,
I assure you,

had she just asked,
if she had just said,

"Do you mind if I go
downstairs to frozen foods?

I forgot Skinny Cows.

And I'm craving something sweet.

I only have three points
left today."

I'd say,
"I know of Skinny Cows.
Two points, how?"

"I love Skinny Cows.

I can barely keep them
in stock."

I would say, "Go, go.
Get your Skinny Cows.

Godspeed."

'Cause that's the truth
about Americans,
and even New Yorkers.

We love, love doing favors
for strangers.

Strangers. Not our family.
They can go fuck themselves.

For a stranger,
I will bend over backwards

to show them
I am not the person
my family said I am.

All right.

This next one...

Not as long.

I'm, um... I'm not hungry.
I just ate some very
filling Greek yogurt.

It's so thick and creamy,

and it's quickly become
my favorite ethnic yogurt.

And, no, it wasn't
a very crowded field.

There was pretty much
just, Yoplait.

Which I never liked. Yoplait.

I couldn't put my finger
on it for the longest time.

And it's this. The French.

Even in their yogurt,

cannot hide their disdain

for American values
and sensibilities.

First of all,
they mix the fruit for you.

That's not America.

Not the America I know. No.

We like fruit at the bottom.

And guns.

But the French...

"The Americans
with their freedom.

Well, we will take
one freedom back.

The freedom to mix blueberries
as they see fit.

These animals,
they have taste up their asses.

They don't know
how to mix the fruit.

We will mix the fruit for them,
and we will not stop there.

We will also put the yogurt
into a container

that tapers to the top.

It will taper to the top
so that these fat bastards

think they're
getting more yogurt.

But they're getting less yogurt,

I assure you,

they're getting less yogurt.

And then, we will make the hole
on the top of the container

so small, so small,

that they can't get
their shoveled-sized
American spoons in there.

They call them spoons.
They should be brought
to the beach

to make sand castles.
They're so enormous."

And then, finally,
for how they say the...

The piece of resistance.

"We will smear
half of the yogurt

onto the tin foil cap,

and watch these animals
lick all French."

"I'm still hungry.

I'm still hungry.
Is there any more yogurt
to fill my fat belly?

Look, there's some
crusting residue clinging
to the inner rim.

I will lick underneath there."

"But we've made it
razor sharp."

Thank you so much, everybody.
This was awesome. Thank you.

Thanks for coming.
Good night. Thank you.
I really appreciate it.