Garlic & Gunpowder (2016) - full transcript

- It's a tense situation
here with riot police

as hundreds of protestors
are gathered here

for the annual meeting of
the world's wealthiest.

They're focused on a perceived
urgency by the attendees.

The body count rises as a
bloody turf war rages on.

- You going already, Bianca?

- Yeah, I got a job, okay?

So I don't want to be late.

- Hey, I got a
job too, you know.

Come on.

- Where are we goin'?



- Well, I thought we'd go
for breakfast, for starters.

- I'm not talking
about that, okay?

I'm talking about us.

Where are we goin'?

Neither of us is
married and all we do

is hook up in
these roach motels.

- Well, what do you want to
do have sex in my bedroom

in my mother's house?

That a girl.

- Goodbye, Sonny.

Take care.

- I thought you said
you liked the bad boy.

- Fuck your mother.

- Red light.



I didn't say green light.

You go out that door, Bianca,

and it's over.

- I know.

♪ And I get up in the morning

♪ And I'll be over you

I'm starving.

Your
extra-rare pork steak, sir.

Thank you, gorgeous.

- And nothing for
you, as requested.

Thank you, doll.

- What, you're not eating again?

- Ah, I'm not hungry.

♪ Got on my favorite dress

♪ And my best shoes

- Let's just sip
to this fine wine.

- The Boxing Times welcomes
you to our main event.

In this corner, the unbeatable
black stallion himself.

Nick!

In this corner, the
unstoppable, the deadly, Spider.

You know the rules.

There are no rules.

This is a fight to the finish!

- Whatever.

Pig and people
DNA, 98 % the same.

Who cares?

Not bad.

- Since you're in
such a jovial mood,

Evvy was called in for
questioning by the FBI again.

Today.

♪ Kiss me like you mean it

- Evvy's had our backs forever.

♪ Before the night is through

Thank you.

- Whoa.

- Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Hey, hey, excuse me.

Yeah?

- What if I come
over to your house

and I start scootin' around
on your freshly mopped floor?

What would you do?

Kick your ass.

- All okay in
there, Ms. Hancock?

- No different than last week

except for wasting
my time again.

- We had a cat when I was a kid.

- That's nice.

- Every time we
took him to the vet,

he'd poop in the carrier.

It smelled worse than any Zagnut

that he ever laid
in his litter box.

- Zagnut?

- Yeah, you remember.

The candy bar.

They look like little turds
rolled in crushed peanuts.

- This is a real conversation?

- Do you mind if
I call you Evelyn?

- Evvy works.

Just like all the
other times you asked.

- You know what the vet told us?

He told us that scared shit
smells worse than normal shit.

- You think you got
my guts rumblin'?

I'm sweatin'.

You're smelling
garlic, Magnum PU.

I eat three raw cloves a
day for my Lymes disease.

It sweats out.

Tsss.

- Well, you smell like a fat
Italian who shit his pants.

- Good, 'cause
you look like one.

- Tell me something.

You recognize these two?

- Yeah.

Michael and his brother Fredo.

Fredo broke his heart.

- Just because you sleep
with a bunch of mob bosses

doesn't make you smart.

I know women like you.

You'll eventually
tell me what I want.

- I know guys like you.

I've seen 'em end up
in barrels of acid

with accidental gunshots
to the back of their heads.

The fact that I'm sittin'
here telling you this

shows how smart I've been.

- It's not them that I want.

- Oh.

You got a funny way of asking
a girl out, Agent Bean.

- Ma.

I want Ma.

And your little pretty boys
here are on her payroll.

Ma's the biggest drug
dealer in Big City.

We're casting a net
and I want her in it.

- You might want
to try harpoons.

- We know that they're
cooking something up.

Something big.

You cooperate and your
little boy toys here,

they qualify for our
catch and release program.

Jesus Christ.

- Oh, excuse me, please.

Where's your bathroom?

I gotta take a scared shit.

- Let me help you, sweetie.

Oh.

Look at this.

Sure sign of a
nigga out of work.

Got his hands in his pockets.

Must've been fired.

He didn't get fired, Ma.

- How's my baby?

I'm home.

- Don't you baby me, nigga.

You see any subliminal
messages in this one?

- A series of frames
has been inserted.

Triad boss, Barry Ling,
transmits a secret message

to the mayor of Big
City saying he wants

to increase their monthly bribe.

- Yeah, and there's
something else, Mama.

The frame with the big
burger in the wrapper

also has a hidden frame.

Mayor Brown transmits
a secret message

back to Barry Ling.

- Look at Robert.

He's so handsome.

Should go to Hollywood.

You got the brains,
you got the body.

Your daddy would've been proud.

If the stupid
bastard hadn't have

blown himself up in the lab.

- What about me?

- Girl, when are you
gonna start wearing a bra?

- At least my tits don't hang
all the way down to my knees.

- You are a bitch!

Since you're so smart,

what do you think of
those guys of mine?

- You mean Sonny and Archie?

- Yeah.

Tell me, handsome.

- I like Archie.

Don't care for Sonny.

- What do you think, girl?

- They can't be trusted.

They're sloppy.

- All right.

Now, some business.

What about them blue brewers?

I heard their blue shit
could smack you ass

in about 10 seconds.

Any thoughts how we can
get them to work for Ma?

- I assume the chinks.

- Asians, Archie.

They're Asians.

- Who gives a shit?

I don't think it's
gonna be easy.

Ma don't like the chinks
and Ma calls them chinks.

- Ma calls her own
husband the N word.

- What, are we 10?

Say the word.

- It ain't right.

- She puts an A
on the end of it.

If you put a A on the end
of it, it's not racist.

I mean, they call
each other that.

- Where'd you learn
that, in English class?

- You got a hangup
about saying a word.

You remember what we do, right?

- Mother fucker,
cock-sucking son of a bitch.

Dick-licking fucker.

What are we doing, Arch?

Huh?

Shaking down small business
owners for protection money.

Contract whackings.

Seriously?

- Hey, have your
come to Jesus moment

another time, will you?

- And I've been thinking.

Ma's been meaning
to knock us down.

- Hmm?

Ma respects us.

We should be more
worried about Barry.

And here's another question
for you, Mr. Multi-Cultural.

How's a chink with
the first name Barry

get a name like Barry, huh?

How does anything in Chinese
translate to fucking Barry?

How many good deals have
we made for Ma, huh?

You're being too sensitive.

You really think so?

- Welcome to happiness, boys.

Thank you, doll.

We're looking for some friends.

- Aren't we all?

Follow me, boys.

66 times?

Quit knocking!

What's he sayin', man?

Look, man.

They're knocking on the door.

They can't understand that, man.

Hey!

Incoming mail!

Who is it?

Yeast inspectors.

Ma sent us.

They're knocking.

Is this your people, man?

Yeah, what he said.

Stop knocking on the damn door.

- Almost there.

- Some speakeasy you got here.

What, your boss is afraid

that we're gonna
sell to the Chinese?

- She ain't as big as she looks.

- First, we need to figure
out whether you got a license

to produce all
this exciting shit.

Then, we're gonna need
some free samples.

Let me
tell you something.

We already told the Chinese
that we're doing this on our own

because, I mean, check it out.

We got a good thing here.

So, sorry to waste your time.

- Yeah, man.

'Cause if this comet hits,

the survivors are
gonna need what we got.

Our shit's gonna be
worth more than gold.

More than food.

Man, the planet's
gonna be hurtin'

and what we got will
make 'em feel real good.

Man, we're gonna be
emperors, you know?

People gonna give us anything.

Anything.

Oh, beer and bitches, man.

They're gonna be bringing us
beer and bitches for our stuff.

The entire world.

It'll be like Mad Max,
but with beer and bitches.

You know what I'm sayin'?

Like, beer and bitches, man.

Beer and bitches.

You done?

- Look, man.

Nostradamus predicted this, man.

I saw it on the
historical channel.

Should watch TV sometime.

Read a book.

- That's some dream
you've got, my friend.

We don't really have a
comet insurance policy,

but you and my associate
here share similar concerns.

- Everything in this town
follows strict rules.

You should know that.

My dear friend is gonna
get some insurance policies

out of his bag and
you're gonna sign 'em.

Okay?

- Yeah, no problem.

Let me just get the pen.

- Make it quick.

- Beer and bitches, man.

I'm telling you.

- And you can just
tell your fat Ma

that we're not interested.

- Okay, okay.

Just don't shoot.

- Just relax.

- Now.

- This guy has a
problem with his neck?

- Bet you didn't see
that coming, huh?

What the hell is
wrong with you, huh?

What, did you leave
your gun at home?

What's in your bag?

- Where'd you get the gadget?

- I gotta guy.

- What guy?

- A gadget guy.

- What gadget guy?

You don't have a gadget guy.

- Let's just get the blue
shit and get out of here.

- Uh, what are we gonna do
with Breaking Dead here?

- Two years of this and
that's all we've got?

I could cry.

Evvy has been in the bed
of every crime family

in the country.

She knows exactly
what we need to know

and you spend your time
busting these two clowns.

- These two clowns
are gonna get us Ma,

and her whole family,
and Barry Ling.

- All right.

Do whatever you need to
get her to turn them over.

- What does that mean?

- Tell her she gets your
shit above your liver.

- What does that mean?

- You figure it out.

Tell her you got
a mommy complex.

- I don't.

- Tell her you love older women.

Take her to bed.

Whatever.

- Couldn't I just
waterboard her instead?

- Ollie, get over here
and bring your boys.

Thanks.

- Uncle Ollie is coming?

- That's right, Robert.

Don't make fun of the
stupid way he talks.

- Hi, Ma.

Willy let us in.

- Hey, Ma.

You look great.

Get some new skin cream?

- Yeah, you look fantastic.

- What happened?

I heard you messed up those
guys I was thinking of hiring.

- Ray pulled a gun, Ma.

There was nothing we could do.

But we brought you the
recipes and samples.

Here you go.

Look at this blue shit.

For you, Ma.

- What am I supposed
to do with this, huh?

What, am I gonna boil
it up in the kitchen?

Who am I, Rachel fucking Ray?

You're lucky my kids like you.

- Uh, I don't like Sonny.

- Nothing personal.

But Roxy, she don't
like no white dick.

It ain't got no flavor.

- Good shit, huh?

- You ain't kiddin'.

Willy, can I ask you a question?

- You just did, Sonny.

- Fair enough.

Does it ever bother you
that Ma calls you the, uh.

- Calls me what?

- Yeah, what?

- You know, the N word.

- She puts an A at the end.

- See?

- Come on.

- Hey, Willy.

All the money you two got,

she's got you driving
around in this junker?

I mean, you live here.

You guys could live in a
mansion if you wanted to.

- Ma like to keep a low profile.

- Makes sense.

- Yeah.

You know, these break down.

You need a reliable car.

- Yeah, well this one's
been leaking oil lately.

Me, I don't care.

Throw a few quarts in it to
keep from getting a new car.

- Got a point.

- This doesn't make
good for a getaway car,

I can tell you that.

- Get away from what?

- After they deal
with those clients,

we'll need to ensure
that they send

Sonny and Archie on a retreat.

They've been hanging around
the family long enough.

- Say no more.

- Smoke 'em.

- Your Honor, they're here.

- Oh, it's about time.

Please, take your seats.

All right, we will not be
using the Big City police

to escort this convoy.

Walter, I need you to keep the
press busy with comet talk.

You know, telling the people
what the city is doing

to keep the people calm.

Scientists telling the
people to stay calm

and keep shopping.

What's wrong?

- They keep calling me Indian.

- Excuse me?

- Rucci and Andy keep
calling me Indian.

They're trying to
make it my nickname.

- You're white, Walter.

Did you eat a lot of curry
for lunch or something?

I don't get it.

- No.

Like American Indian.

- Native American?

- Whatever.

- What's going on?

- We're not doing
anything, ma'am.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You are, too.

All day.

And leave Marie alone.

- Gentlemen, we have a serious
public relations situation

that requires maturity
on all three of you

to do the job that
you're hired to do.

So, can we put this aside and
get to the business at hand?

- Yes, ma'am.

- Thank you.

All right.

I want to have a
press conference

at three o'clock this afternoon.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

They're doing it.

They're doing it again.

Look.

- What?

What is going on?

- We're not doing
anything, ma'am.

Walter's just on edge.

- They're doing
that Indian thing.

- Permission to
speak freely, ma'am?

- I don't drink, but I should.

Go ahead.

- There's been a lot of
tension on our floor.

You know Maria from
Human Resources?

Sweet, pretty girl, hair lip.

- She doesn't have a hair lip.

It's a bicycling scar.

- They've been dating.

I personally think they
make a very nice couple.

- We're calling them Malter.

- Malter?

- It's their celebrity name.

Maria and Walter.

Malter.

- That's just stupid.

- So is Waria.

Just saying.

- I know what you guys are
doing and it's not true.

- Go on.

- So we think that
Maria has a crush on.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Walter, Walter.

I'm not trying to steal
your girlfriend, okay?

- Because you can't.

- Walter.

- Because you can't.

She's not flirting with you.

- Walt, Walt.

I'm not trying to
steal your girlfriend.

- Good.

I'm not.

- Good.

Good.

- Fine.

He's not.

All right.

- But I could if I wanted to.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

- Welcome, guys.

Table for everybody?

- Back off, whatever you are.

- Easy Genghis Khan.

I don't speak Korean.

- The Goodfellas were here.

The chemists are gone.

Recipes, too.

- Time for us to settle
up with these dogs.

Gather everything you
can and head back.

We're gonna discuss things
with them differently.

- Seems this blue shit is
really worth some dough, huh?

Ma wasn't too pissed.

- Yeah, her kids don't like us.

Borrowed time, Arch.

- Fuck 'em.

Hey, Mom.

How you feeling today?

- I hope I didn't interrupt you

in the middle of your
insurance business.

- That's okay, Mom.

Is Ms. Lusconi
there with you, too?

- Aunt Rose, you chucklehead.

She's your Aunt Rose.

- Hi, Archie.

Is my son with you?

- He's driving, Aunt Rose.

Hold on.

- Hey, Ma.

- Hi, honey.

It would be nice to have lunch
or something with my son.

Or I'm gonna have to throw
myself down the stairs

like the priest's
mother in the Exorcist

to get your attention.

Come on, Ma.

- There are some fabulous young
ladies here in our school.

- True.

They're sweet, and they're
beautiful, and very educated.

And they've got
themselves together.

You could bounce a
quarter off their asses.

- Hey, hey, hey.

Why don't you stop teaching
bad ballet in a strip mall

and go feed the ducks in
the park or something?

- Why would I feed
dicks in the park?

- Ducks in the park, Ma.

Ducks.

- Oh.

Oh, listen.

You both are gonna
like these girls.

You need wives, they're looking,

and you are too old to be
in the insurance business.

- Stop using business in
quotes when you talk about it.

- I use italics.

- Okay, Mom.

We gotta go.

- I'm willing to try.

- You remember
the two they tried

hooking us up with
before, right?

- Yeah, I do, unfortunately.

- Hey, I still got
PTSD from that date.

The way they were dancing
around in those tutus

they looked like those
purple hippos from Fantasia.

- I'm thinking marriage
ain't such a bad idea.

- Yeah?

Keep thinking.

- Hey, pops.

Just sign the insurance form.

- You're gonna need
some protection.

Trust us.

- Look, can I ask
you guys something?

Do you think there
really were dinosaurs?

- Excuse me?

- I mean, the last comet to hit
here took 'em out like that.

- What time is it?

- I'll never die.

- What the hell are
you talking about?

- I have to tell you something.

Sometimes my wife.

Oh, she can be such
a pain in the ass.

- This guy's all over the place.

- Maybe we just let him go.

- It's too bad about
your wife, old man.

Would be a shame if someone
burned down your record store.

- Don't worry about it, okay?

- Why?

- Don't be talkin'
stupid on a Friday.

- Is it Friday?

- No, it's Monday.

- Oh.

- Yeah, um.

Mm-hmm.

Hey, I just gotta go take a leak

and I'll come back and sign.

- Hey, make it fast.

This shit's bad for
the circulation.

That's a big
asshole right there.

Oh, oh.

Look at this.

- I don't want to see that.

- Look at this.

It looks like Nick the boxer.

Look at that.

I can't believe it.

Look at this fucking guy.

- This thing's harder
than I thought.

I'll tell you what.

When he wakes up, he signs
or he's getting Mr. Dingy.

It's good to feed the dicks.

I think we should listen
to my ma about those girls.

Couldn't hurt to meet.

- Yeah, but do we have
to, you know, dance?

You all right, Ev?

- Yeah.

- Don't you ever walk?

Hey, that dick just took my bun.

- Yeah, well sorry I'm late.

But you could've picked
a closer place, huh?

- What did the feds say?

- Okay.

So this Agent Bean, they want
Ma, they want Barry Ling.

They ain't sayin' that,

but they got somethin'
else up their sleeve.

They think you'll
lead 'em to her.

They think you're sloppy.

- You feeling all right, Ev?

- Oh, Jesus gold-plated Christ.

It's garlic, okay?

Hey, look, look.

You guys are gettin' sloppy.

A public park ain't
the best place to meet.

You know better.

Yeah.

So, uh.

I got some news from my sources.

- What sources?

You always have these sources.

- The dicks.

Who cares?

When have I ever
been wrong, huh?

Huh?

- She's got a point.

- Yeah, thank you.

So, a number of the richest
people are moving their stuff

out of the city
because of this comet.

- What kind of stuff?

- Ah, art, cash, jewels.

- Who knows about this?

I didn't see this on TV.

- Oh, yeah you did.

You just can't remember.

- What are you
talking about, Ev?

If that was on the news,

the whole country
would be freaking out.

- Oh, no, no.

There's this whole underground
communication thing goin' on

between the fat cats at
City Hall and Barry Ling.

- The chink?

What's he got goin'?

- Oh, quite a bit.

And Ma wants in and I think
these feds want in, too.

- I never heard about this
underground communication.

- Subliminal messages embedded

in TV commercials
with Mayor Brown.

Yeah.

They've been doin'
it for a year now.

Ma's kids, they figured it out.

Hey, so Ma is planning
on that comet passing us,

then hitting that convoy
before Ling-Ling does.

- There'd be an armored escort.

- Hey, rich and smart don't
always go together, you know?

Yeah.

These rich cats, they
don't want anyone knowing.

They think they're clever.

No security.

- All that money, no escorts.

Come on.

- No, but listen.

They don't want anyone to know.

Cops talk too, you know?

- Barry's ruthless.

He'll kill 'em and
take their loot

just so they don't
claim insurance.

- That's a lot of cash, Arch.

That would give us a
leg up on that winery.

If Ev is right, it's free money.

- Can you give us
the convoy route?

Can't exactly ask Ma.

- Well, let me find
out more first.

They want you two,
that's for sure.

So listen, Sloppy Joes.

If you ever get a text from
me with hugs and kisses,

or gay emojis dancing, you
know it's a setup, huh?

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm winking at ya.

Get it?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Whoa, yeah.

Hey,
you fell on a dick.

Uh, wouldn't
be the first time.

- Would the two of
you go out there

and show those girls some grace?

Ballet, it's grace.

Grace.

- It's gay, Aunt Rose.

- What did you say?

- It's gay.

Ow!

What?

- You don't call my
dancers gay homosexuals.

- No, like gay stupid.

Ow!

- What are you laughing at?

You mean stupid,
then say stupid.

- Sorry, Aunt Rose.

Now I know where
you get it from.

- You got slapped.

- Oh, mamma mia.

It was good, though.

It was good.

- Thank you.

- Lovely.

- Well, we wouldn't be
against going out with.

- Sonny and Archie.

Sonny pointed us out.

- Oh, well.

He's always been a
little excitable.

- A little?

Thanks, Ma.

- Oh, you're welcome, son.

You two behave yourselves.

- We will.

I love you, Ma.

Bye, Aunt Rosie.

- Ladies, I gotta apologize.

- Oh, look.

You seem like really nice guys.

- Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What's the rush?

What you got in the bag, huh?

Give me that.

What is that?

- A gift.

- A gift, huh?

For who?

- My grandma.

- Your grandma, huh?

Your grandma likes
to party, huh?

What else you got in here?

Ooh, porno mag.

Carton of cigarettes.

Your grandma's a badass, huh?

- Damn, you kid!

I'm gonna get you this time!

- Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Calm the fuck down.

- Thank you for stopping this
thief who stole from my store.

- Did he?

All right.

Well, how about I pay for it?

- Yes, of course, sir.

- Is this enough, hmm?

- Yes.

- Keep the change.

- Thank you, sir.

- Now get out of here.

Come here, kid.

Stay in school, stop stealing,

and don't be a stereotype
like us, all right?

One more thing.

Open the bag.

Try not to spend it
all in one place, okay?

Get the fuck out of here.

- Our numbers.

Give us a ring.

- You know, Arch.

I really like that blonde.

- Yeah, we all saw that.

- Very funny.

- Bocci balls.

- What?

- Forgot about Breaking
Dead in the trunk.

- Oh, man.

Holy shit.

- Jesus.

It smells like Satan's asshole.

- How the hell did
we forget these guys?

Getting sloppy, Arch.

Getting real sloppy.

Ugh, man.

God.

These dogs are gonna
wake somebody up.

- Shut the fuck up!

Fuck your mother!

- Take it easy, will ya?

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

What the fuck are you doing?

Come on, Arch.

- Two miles.

We just walked two miles.

- All right.

Let me get you some water.

- Why did you guys do that?

- Because of those
damn cheap cars we buy.

The damn water pump blew.

- Well, Mama.

You know what they say.

- No, Roxy.

What do they say?

Here you go.

- You get what you pay for.

- Roxy, fuck you!

Take this, baby.

What do you got for
your ma, Robert?

Tell me you got
something on the convoy.

- Give 'em a chance, baby.

- Don't you baby me, nigga.

- During the frames
with the cruise liner,

in the subliminal message you
could see the Hollywood actor

as he stands in
front of the screen

pointing with the plastic stick

toward the comet
heading toward Earth.

- And just when
one of the tourists

on the ship is thrown
into the water,

a hidden message appears
in flashing red letters.

Alert, alert.

At the same time,

the comet is shown
crashing into the ocean.

- Who's this being addressed to?

- Well, it's basically
for the elite.

- We already know that.

Are they saying the planet's
getting whacked for real?

They know something?

- I don't think so.

That's what they're believing,

but the scientists are
saying it's not gonna hit us.

- When?

- Agent Bean, you are
so gussied up today.

Special reason?

- No.

No, just a formal interrogation.

You're still doing the
garlic thing I smell.

- Three cloves daily.

- Ugh.

Evvy, stop.

I need a quick answer from you.

Do you communicate
with Sonny Lusconi

or Archibald Bocci on
any social networks?

- Aw, come on.

You call me down
here again for this.

You couldn't ask
me on the phone?

I know what harassment is.

You subpoena me and force a
deposition or you got nothin'.

Yeah, that's what I thought.

- Oh, I'm really
sorry about that.

Oh, what do we have here, huh?

Ah!

All right, listen up.

You tell me what I need to
hear and I make this go away.

You see, I can be
a nice guy, too.

What are you doing?

- I want you, Agent Bean.

Yes, you're gettin' it.

Yeah.

You feel it too, don't you?

No, I smell.

- Yes, the sexy talk.

Oh, yeah.

I want a good guy for a change.

Come on, let's do
it on your desk.

Yeah.

You smell like
Euro person's barf.

- I'll tell you everything.

I can't keep my mouth
shut during sex.

- Stop or I will
have you arrested.

- Yeah.

Get the cuffs ready, Daddy.

Oh, my teeth!

My teeth!

You broke my teeth!

What happened?

Come on, come on, come on.

We gotta get you out of here.

We gotta get you out of here.

- My god.

Who, in there?

In there?

- You're all right.

You're gonna be all right.

- All right, get her in.

Get her in.

- Get her out of here!

Oh, yeah?

Oh, yeah.

Okay.

All right.

All right.

Okay.

Hi.

Hello, yeah.

Okay.

Come on!

- Why are we doing this?

- I think this is
the place, Arch.

- A hundred bucks each
gets us a nice escort.

Easy and done, huh?

- Come on.

- Day dates aren't good.

No one does day dates.

Hey, this won't be good.

- Just be cool, okay?

Give it a chance.

We might be courting
our future wives here.

- Quick hair and makeup check.

- Okay.

- Perfect.

- Hi.

Welcome.

Wow, you guys clean up nice.

- Well, thank you very much.

- Hi, Archie.

Oh, Sonny.

Hi.

- Hi.

Hey, whose birthday?

You ladies having a party?

- Hi.

It's my daughter's
ninth birthday.

Your mother said you
were family guys.

- Oh.

- And after we saw how you handled that boy with that stuff,

we thought, let's try
a first date here.

- Pretty original, huh?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- Will you come help
me grab some lids.

- Yes.

- Ooh.

Looks like we
ain't gettin' laid.

- Well, no.

There's too many
coats on the bed.

Would you
like to have some punch?

- Could one of you help Jennifer

with the cake and the clown?

- Yeah, sure.

I'll help with the cake
and how about Arch,

you go help her with the clown.

- Clown.

- Yeah.

Yeah, sure.

- Go ahead, buddy.

- What's he need?

- I'll show you.

- Yeah, go enjoy.

- Just fucking open.

Just fucking open!

Piece of shit.

Just fucking pop.

- You look like a homeless joke.

- Listen, asshole.

I don't need.

- What's in this, huh?

More clowns?

You are a wiseguy.

Fuck.

- What was that?

Some kind of special effect?

- It pops.

It scares the little bastards
when I get my shit out.

- Ain't gonna scare no one.

- Oh, no.

I know.

It's supposed to pop
confetti, but it didn't.

You know, fuck 'em.

They don't get the
pop, all right?

- Hey, hey, hey, hey.

What do you mean they
don't get the pop?

- They don't get the pop.

- Hey kids want a pop,
they get the fucking pop.

- No, man.

I do this all the time.

- Wait here.

- I don't want to wait.

- Don't you freaking move.

- Hopefully it
didn't lock again.

Ah, it locked again!

Hurry up back!

- This is what snaps, right?

- Yeah.

Yeah, you put the
flash powder in there,

and you open it up, and
it pops with confetti.

What's that?

- These kids deserve a
real show, all right?

None of that sissy flash powder.

- I don't know.

- You need some balls.

- I need a lot more than that.

I just wanna get this done.

- What, you got someplace to be?

- Anyplace but here.

I hate kids.

- God, you are a lousy
clown, you know that?

- Hey, everybody.

Who wants to have
some party time?

Huh?

Who wants to have some fun?

Who wants to have some fun?

What?

- Where's your makeup?

- I don't wear makeup, kid.

I'm hungover.

I can't use a mirror when
I'm hungover, all right?

Wait a second.

What's that in your ear hole?

Let me see.

A shiny new quarter.

- You suck!

- You know what's better
than a shiny quarter?

I gotta go in my
pants to get it.

- Ew.

- But it's coupons!

Huh?

You get two-for-one milk.

Where's the cake?

The clown sucks!

- Whoa, come on.

Cake,
cake, clown sucks!

Cake, cake, cake!

- No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no.

Hey, Mom.

A little help, Mom.

Please.

Cake,
cake, clown sucks!

Cake, cake, cake, clown sucks!

- All right, okay.

Okay.

I'm gonna open up
my magical suitcase.

On the count of three.

There are things in
here that truly amaze.

Are you ready?

One,

two,

three.

Holy, fucking shit!

Jesus Christ!

Help me!

Help me!

Holy mother of God!

My god!

Oh, my god!

Oh, shit!

My fucking fingers!

Oh, my god!

Oh, my god!

- Who starts first?

- This the Triad or a boy band?

Do any of youse speak English?

- I speak English.

Do you?

- Who's Mr. And Mrs. Smith?

- Insurance.

- Seriously?

- Why don't we discuss
the important elements

of this collaboration.

- Okay.

Let's give that a try.

- My uncle is not a patient man.

- Gentleman, as the
owner of this facility,

this doesn't have to be
a hostile discussion.

If we could all agree to just.

- I'm not interested in
sharing anything with Ma.

However, in the
spirit of cooperation,

we could look into
some kind of equal.

- Did he say equal?

Equal, you say.

- He says.

- I say.

- Say.

- We agree that you
take the factory lines

of the green and red grass.

As well as the pills.

But leave the blue
powder for us.

- How about Ma takes
the blue powder

and you and your little
Chinese leprechaun over there,

you take the rest of that crap?

- How about we cut the bullshit?

- Sure.

- Sure?

- Listen, sister.

- Sister?

- Say.

- Our two families, if you
will, aren't going to mesh.

We're doing this
dance, but you and I,

we both knew coming into this
how it was going to end up.

- I was a boxer, Chinaman.

- Duck, honey.

- Duck hunting?

- I just saved your life.

How many times have
we been in a shootout?

- Shit, that's 12 or so.

Why?

- I think it's about
time for a pie fight.

- What are you talking about?

Big creamy
pies in people's faces.

Just like the Stooges.

- Say.

- Why are there
pies in a shootout?

- I don't know.

I just thought it was funny.

- Let Ollie handle the rough
stuff if it gets to that.

Where is that idiot anyway?

- Listen to me.

I don't want to
get into any mess.

The goal is to find out what
they know about the convoy.

- Okay, okay.

You know me.

- Hey, guys.

Give us a hand.

- Don't shoot, don't shoot!

- Hey, get down!

- See, even the chinks know
how to use American muscle.

- That was the kid's
toy grenade, you idiot!

- Can't even check your kids!

- What the hell are you doing?

Who is this guy?

What the?

Get the
fuck out of here!

- You know, we were set up
along with those chinks.

- Asians.

- There's no way that fat broad
is getting one over on us.

- You wanna whack Ma?

- No, we don't kill her.

We hurt her.

- Like the clown?

- That was an accident.

No.

We hit her like a comet.

Straight up her ass.

- You got a plan?

- Oh, I got a plan.

- So let's try this again, okay?

No bullshit.

- Okay.

Look, I'm really sorry
that it came to this,

but the new teeth,
they look good.

Look, the fact that you're
cooperating with us,

I think, makes it
better for everyone.

- Yes.

Yes.

- We want Ma and
your little buddies,

Siegfried and Roy, work for Ma.

We want them to get her.

You help us get them.

Catch and release.

- How's that legal?

- Trust me.

- Trust you?

Oh, like planting drugs.

- It's all water under
the bridge now, Evvy.

Look, we're turning a
new page here today.

You came to me.

That's trust, right?

- Sure.

- So now text 'em.

- Text 'em?

Text 'em?

- Text them that you want to
meet them at the Boxing Times.

- Texting.

Meet me, Evvy, at Boxing Times.

You don't have
to talk while you type.

- Wink, slash, smiley face.

- Evvy's teeth
really got messed up.

I hope she doesn't
overdose on pain killers.

- Yeah.

Me, too.

I'm worried about her.

Yeah.

Me, too.

- It's her and
she's speaking code.

A gay emoji!

And she never uses Evelyn.

- Could be a trap.

- Nah, she wouldn't
let that happen.

Bonjourno, Ma.

Get
your asses over here!

There's shit going on.

- On our way.

- Could be another trap, Archie.

- She wouldn't whack
us at her own place.

She still needs
us for something.

You think so?

- Not only do the
chinks have Ollie,

the bastards took out
all my best people.

- We'll help in any way
we can to find Ollie.

Won't we, Sonny?

- Absolutely.

- Yeah, yeah?

Well, you two assholes
are the last guys I got.

And I want to fill
you in on something.

It's a big deal.

You can retire on it.

- You want to retire us, Ma?

- What does that mean?

What the hell does that mean?

- I don't know.

So what's this deal anyway?

- I want to get a jump on Ling.

And then, I want to send
him a retirement package.

You in?

- In what?

- We got this car man.

Oh, my god.

Oh, my god, Ma!

Ma!

- This is the conspiracy
of the century, Ma.

It's all confirmed.

Judging by the
subliminal messages,

a number of vans and trucks
with priceless objects

will make their way from
four points of origin.

The entire convoy
will have no security.

And the cargo will
be stored underground

at a depth of 666 meters.

Barry Ling is tipped
off by Mayor Brown.

He gets a 40 % cut of the haul.

- Over my fat ass!

- Tell him, Mama.

- Shut up!

We lost good guys to
that rice-eating prick.

And now all I got are you two.

Can you pull it off?

- Pull off what?

- The heist!

Jacking the convoy.

What else, dumbass?

These rich dicks have
been saving their fortunes

just in case life on
this planet is destroyed.

They're hedging their bets and
we are gonna wipe them out.

You in?

Yeah.

- Sonny, don't laugh.

Come on.

- These springs aren't
what they used to be.

Oh, yeah?

Keep on laughing!

When I get up I'm
gonna sit on your face!

Somebody, do something!

Call a tow truck!

- So, Ma has laid my
nephew up in the hospital

and thinks she can
move on my convoy.

Well, we have thinned
that cow's herd.

Let her roll after
the convoy herself.

All of my friends are
betting on the convoy.

Ah.

Know this.

Always bet on yourself unless
you're a shit-for-brains wop.

Something you have plenty
of time to think about.

But now, I have other
business to attend to.

My wealthy friends need to see

I'm in the lifeboat with them.

- NASA and the White
House took to the airwaves

and the internet last
night to assure the world

that Earth will be spared
form the approaching comet.

- Oh, what happened
to the hand, man?

- Gone.

- Oh.

What can I get ya?

- Uh, just give me a plain
egg bagel and a large coffee.

One at a time.

- You mean the Egg McBagel?

- An egg bagel, plain.

- An Egg McBagel.

- What is this,
fucking McDonald's?

Just give me an egg bagel.

- The Egg McBagel.

- What else you got with egg?

Just give me an egg
bagel, all right?

I'm on a lot of pain meds.

- An Egg McBagel.

- Oh, you're not fucking
McDonald's, all right?

They can Mc anything they want!

You can't!

They got the McRib, the
McChicken, the McMcMuffin!

They can do it, you can't!

- One Egg McBagel!

- Now you're putting
cheese on it, asshole!

- Toilet's clogged up.

- Oh, shit.

- I've been looking for you.

How's the hand?

By the way, I feel a
little bad about that.

That's why I came here,
to make it up to you.

Offer you a job.

- Oh, really?

- Yeah.

- What do you got, an
Eyes Wide Shut party

with people who dig
one-handed clowns?

- One day of work
and you can retire.

Or buy a bionic hand that
shoots seltzer water, whatever.

Or both.

I don't give a shit.

You'll never have to work again.

- Tell this asshole he
sells bagels, not McBagels.

- This guy?

- Yeah.

- He's a client of mine.

Hey, change it to
bagel with cheese

or I kick the McShit
out of you, huh?

- Hey, yo!

Yo!

You're that guy.

The boxer from the restaurant
from the other night.

- Yeah, that's me.

- You need a job?

- This is my day job.

I beat the shit out
of people at night.

- What, are you an actor?

- What kind of job?

Like meeting up with guys like
you in back lots like this?

- Come on.

Nothing like that.

One afternoon's work you can
retire from both your jobs.

Day and night.

- All right, I'm listening.

- Do you think we can borrow
a few wires from the studio?

- We got her.

It's official?

- Yeah, we pull this
off, we live like kings

and no one's gonna be the wiser.

I mean, there is so much
loot in those trucks,

no one's gonna miss
a million or two.

- You grab a little
something for our troubles,

nab Ma and Ling, and we
come out heroes, baby.

- When Evvy comes through and
those two idiots deliver Ma,

Ma knows the convoy
routes and Ling's plans.

Then, and only then, will
Operation Garlic & Gunpowder

be a win-win.

And we let Ma
do all the heavy lifting.

- Are you sure you
can trust Evvy?

- Yeah, I think so.

Yeah.

- You slept with her?

- What?

No.

- How do you know
you can trust her?

- Well, because I.

- You did, didn't you?

- No, I didn't.

- You did.

- No, I didn't.

- Hey, you can tell me.

Come on.

I mean, it's part of the job.

There's no shame in it.

- It would be like
fucking a bowl of soup.

No.

No, I didn't, okay?

No.

No.

Knock it off.

Come on, hit!

Hit!

- What's she doing here?

- Oh, yeah.

Glad you could make it.

I know this place is safe.

But the only way I could get in

was a promise to be
her sparring partner.

Oh, yeah.

- She's gonna hear, Evvy.

- Ah, she can't hear nothing.

Oh, no.

Are you kidding me?

She's in fight mode.

Look at this bitch.

Yeah, take a nap.

Take a nap, Rhonda.

The convoy will be passing
through Edgin Gulch at 11 a.m.

You let me know your hit spot,

but the best place for the
ambush is Dotter's Corners.

They can block the
streets from either side

and they'll be hemmed in.

Come on!

- Evvy really goes out
of her way for us, Arch.

- Okay.

All right.

So, Ma'll be there?

- Yeah.

- Like this!

- Ah, that's my tooth, bitch!

- You wanted it!

All right, meet you there?

- Yeah, we'll meet you there.

Take it.

Take a Xanax, would ya?

- With Ma.

- Welcome to Big City Bagels.

What can I get ya?

- Let me get the egg bagel.

- You mean the Egg McBagel.

- We all set?

- Who are you talking
to, me or the clown?

- I have a name.

- Both of ya.

Yeah, yeah.

All set.

- What took you so
long, Uber dicks?

Whoa, nice.

Hey, Cagney and Lacey.

We gotta be at
Dotter's Corners by 11.

Step on it!

Oh, dick.

- Willy, you drive.

Robert, you navigate.

And Roxy, finish your breakfast.

Get the fuck off me, Roxy!

Start the car!

And where's my fucking sweater?

I think you're
sitting on it, baby.

Will
the comet hit us?

Scientists and politicians
are still debating.

Regardless, the world
is holding its breath.

- Even if it hits, we will
piss on the world's ashes.

- It doesn't work.

- How far does that
tele thing say, Robert?

- About 60 miles and change.

- They better have lined up
a damn good crew for this.

Archie, he said he got the best.

Ha, we'll see.

- 20 minutes tops to get it

just like we
rehearsed, all right?

The chinks.

- Oh, chinks?

- The Chinese.

- Yeah, I get it,
I get it, but, uh.

What, are you gonna use racial
slurs behind my back, too?

- No.

And if I did, I'd put
an A at the end of it.

Do think you're a
total fag though.

- Wait, you guys rehearsed?

- Mind if we stop?

I gotta take a piss.

What?

I got a small bladder.

The chances
of this working

the way we threw this
together, very slim.

All we need
is 10 minutes, one truck,

and we'll be sitting
on that vineyard.

- We got a clown and a
porn star as wingmen.

We ain't getting
out of this one.

We're either going to
jail for a very long time

or we're gonna be joining
our clients out there.

- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

We ain't ending up out there.

You hear me?

Our pops died in
the same bus crash.

We went to kindergarten,
middle school, high school.

We'll die together.

At least not like this.

And besides, we got Evvy.

She's like a sister.

Okay, okay.

Like a second mom.

Point is, we didn't
do all this to have

that be our graveyard and
reeds be our headstones.

We're getting out of this.

We're gonna be set for life.

Good speech, Arch.

Real good.

All you
gotta do is keep talking

and show him your briefcase.

Talk, briefcase.

But where are the girls?

They'll be here.

- All right, let me ask you.

What if someone comes
down the road either way?

- This is a public road.

- Don't worry about it.

We know these roads.

- How's that?

- Hey, we do business up here.

- What kind of business
is done up this way?

- Did you just put our
business in quotes?

- Yeah.

- Cook.

- Ladies, you look great
in those porn dresses.

- You didn't tell us it was
a bit of a walk up to you.

Sorry.

- Ladies, I'd like to thank
you for doing this for us.

- Ah, you're just
lucky we like you boys.

- This is where we wait?

- Well, they'll be here.

- For your sake, I hope so.

- Oh, you got a smart watch?

- So what?

- Well, get you laid a lot?

Yeah, that's what I thought.

- No means no.

- This'll be better
than a pie fight.

- Oh.

Is it the boys?

It's Ma.

Holy shit, there she is.

- So let's get her.

- What for?

She hasn't done anything yet.

I don't see your idiot
buddies in there with her.

Unless maybe they're
in the trunk.

- What's the difference?

You got her.

There she is.

- You know better than that.

- What do you mean?

- How many mob hoods do
you know flaunt themselves

in front of the cops, huh?

We need probable cause.

It's crime 101, stupid.

- Oh, blow me.

- Those aren't our assholes.

- I told you Sonny and Archie
would mess this up, Mama.

I told you.

- The convoy!

Step on the pedal!

You want a garlic fart?

- We're losing 'em.

- I've got the pedal
to the floor, baby.

- Don't you pedal me, nigga.

Catch up!

- Oh, my back teeth
were floating.

Here they come, girls!

Get ready!

- What is it?

What's wrong with the car?

What is happening right now?

- I think it's dead, baby.

- So are we.

What's the problem?

- Well, the oil light come
on about a half hour ago.

- The oil light?

Was the car leaking oil?

- Yeah, about a
quart a day or so.

- And when did you notice
the car was leaking oil?

- About six days ago.

- And how many quarts of
oil does the car take?

Five.

- Nigga, do the math!

Oil!

- Robert.

Robert, why don't you get out
there and try to hitchhike?

- What?

Why do I have to?

- When was the last
time you saw a black man

try to hitch a ride
and get one, hmm?

Wait, wait, wait.

Just gotta get it.

I got it, I got it, I got it.

- What's going on?

- I was wondering?

Do you guys think you could

give us a lift to
Dotter's Corner?

I'm sorry.

Let me just...

I know.

I can get it, I can get it.

Let me just.

- Don't rip it!

- Okay, okay.

Just calm down.

Hold on, I'm trying
to figure this out.

I got it, I got it.

Relax.

It's okay, we can do this.

No, you're
pulling it too hard.

- How do you know
which one it is?

- Just pick one.

They're all loaded.

At least that's what Evvy said.

- And remember, no killing.

I promised the girls.

- What'll you do,
use harsh language?

- You, bitch.

What are you doing?

You're gonna rip it.

Stop.

Just stop doing that.

You gonna ruin everything.

Wait, wait.

You're gonna rip it.

My dress is caught in the door.

Oh, my gosh.

I am so sorry, honey.

Okay, I got it.

- No.

What do you mean you got it?

No, stop.

You're gonna rip it.

I got it.

- No, look.

You're really gonna rip it.

You're ripping it!

What is wrong with you?

- Now there's something
you don't see every day.

Oh, you
think this is funny?

- We're on.

- How do you like that, huh?

Yeah, what?

You don't like it, do ya?

- It is on.

- Really?

- Yes!

- Let go of me!

What are you?

That
one really hurt.

- Oh, ladies!

- Oh, you hit my tit.

- I may be a clown,
but I'm a Christian.

- Get out of here!

- No, no, no, no.

There's a lot of nipple showing.

- You better get out of here!

You better.

- Ow!

Look, I implore you.

- Get him out of here.

Get out of here!

Go!

Come on, bitch.

- Just shut the fuck up, Roxy.

- Car trouble?

- No, I'm enjoying the view.

Yeah, I have car trouble.

- You gonna tiptoe around?

Is that what you're gonna do?

Gonna distract me?

Yeah.

- And then what?

And then what?

- Someone stinks.

- What's so important?

- I ain't got time to explain.

You, get us ahead of those cars

and I'll make money
drop out your asshole.

Step on it!

- Arch, they're coming.

Who?

- The Chinese.

Who?

- Ling's guys.

The chinks, okay?

The chinks.

- What are we gonna do?

- You.

It's on now.

Pick it
up with your teeth.

- What the hell is this?

You know, it's the
damndest thing.

- I will handle this from here.

- What are you
two talking about?

- Holy shit!

- What's in the suitcase, clown?

- More clowns.

- You're funny.

You're a funny clown.

- Yeah, I try.

- The girls, what's their story?

- Would you believe they
were fighting over me?

All right, all right.

- Give me this suitcase.

For your sake, you better hope

there are more clowns in here.

- Oh, yeah, yeah.

There's a lot of
clowns in there.

Lots of clowns.

- Lock it.

- Federal agents!

- Drop your guns, dick nuts!

- Feds?

Those assholes are feds?

There.

Almost there.

There it is, dresses on.

- Thank you.

- All right, go.

All right.

Don't go until I get back if
you can help it, all right?

- Okay.

All right.

- Easy, big boy.

Okay, up against the truck.

Let's go.

Yeah.

- Who does your hair
Wang Chung, huh?

This guy speaks Italian.

- That's Italian.

- Yeah, I don't understand that.

You don't look like
an Italian guy.

- There's Asian-Italians.

- Asian-Italians?

- Yeah.

- I didn't know that.
- Yeah.

- No, no.

Don't talk.

- Well, you know they
invented the noodle.

- Holy shit.

Look at all of it.

Shh.

Oh, my god.

I can't even count this high.

Shh.

I've seen procedurals.

We gotta do this quick.

- No, I think we're gonna go.

- I should get your dress.

- I don't even know where
the fucking keyhole is.

- Now get these back to the car.

Okay.

- Go, go!

- If I ca-caw, it
means I'm down.

- Ca-caw!

- Come on, seriously?

Ha!

- Hey, this has gotta pay
better than porn, huh?

- Get ready for the money shot.

- Here I come.

- I got you, Evvy!

I got you!

- Son of a!

You set me up, you
son of a bitch!

- No!

- I can't do this.

This was such a terrible idea.

Your idea.

- My idea?

- Sonny!

Sonny!

No, Sonny.

You can't leave me.

Sonny.

- What happened?

- I don't know.

He's all fucked up.

- What?

- He's all fucked up.

- He's all fucked up!

- You still planning on
arresting us after all this?

- I've had a change of heart.

- You know what's in
these trucks, right?

- Yeah.

- I'm thinking we get
paid for all this trouble.

- That's good thinking.

That's really good thinking.

- Okay, okay.

You get these bags to
the car, all right?

Okay.

I can't hear anything!

- Well, I can hear you!

Shut the fuck up, Roxy!

- The bullet grazed his neck!

He's gonna be okay!

- Good.

- Door!

Door!

Door!

- Sonny, don't die on me!

Sonny!

- Oh, my god.

Are you okay?

- That's it.

- Where are you going?

Fellas, come on.

We just saved your asses.

- Open.

- Looks like you gentlemen
got quite the haul there.

Congrats.

- You think we've got room
for Barry Ling in our car?

- Of course.

In the ashtray.

- Hey, hey.

Could we please go, Uber dicks?

- Left you a bag or two just
in case you didn't bring one.

It's been real.

- How long we got
after we call this in?

- Why don't we get
Ling in cuffs first?

- What about Ma?

- She ain't goin' nowhere.

- What the hell happened?

- Robert, help me!

Help your Ma!

Get over here!

Get the fuck over here!

They're assholes, Robert!

Help Ma!

Help your Ma!

You see, the problem is
Willy don't know nothing

about internal combustion
engines, but I do.

And I know you need oil
to run a car, nigga.

- Operation Garlic & Gunpowder
was originally conceived by,

well, by myself in a very quiet
moment when I was sleeping.

And Agent Bean assisted me
during the very loose hours

when his liver was hurting.

- Jackpot!

Meet your love goddess, baby.

- Ah!

Oh, shit!

Oh, shit!

Don't call my grandma!

Please, don't call my grandma!

- Yeah.

Oh, you bitch!

You are just a whore!

Here, grab this.

- Yeah, yeah, that's yours.

Take it back to prison.

- My fucking tits
are in my mouth.

How the fuck am I
supposed to talk?

- Be nice.

Your tit's
in everybody's mouth.

- I can't even
take a decent dump.

- Stop clowning around.

- Oh, you mother fucker.

- Get out of here!

Mother fuckers!

- I always wanted to say that.

Damn it, I can't
even pinch a loaf in here!

- No nose.

- You don't have a nose?

- I do have a nose,
but I don't have it on.

- Jackpot!

I have to do that.

I lost my whip.

Cut!

- They said cut.

They said cut.

- I want gas money
from everybody.

- I'll give you some gas.

- No, I don't want gas from you.

- Can I ask you a question?

- You just did, Sonny.

- You're kind of cute, actually.

I am cute.

Deal with it.

- All right.

Look at
this cute outfit.

- Drop those little shorts
and I will deal with it.

- What?

- We were wondering when
you guys were gonna show up.

- There's cheese on your dick!

Back to one,
back to one, back to one.

Redo that, please.

I almost ripped
off my microphone.