Garden Party Massacre (2015) - full transcript
A gathering of friends goes awry when an uninvited guests appears. With a pickaxe. And an attitude.
(PLEASANT MUSIC)
(DISCORDANT MUSIC)
ADDISON: Caleb, where the
hell is the crudites platter?
(INTENSE ROCK MUSIC)
♪ Here we go ♪
♪ Whoa ♪
♪ Dinner party ♪
♪ I need a drink ♪
♪ Get some cake ♪
♪ Whatever ♪
♪ Want to go to a garden party with me ♪
♪ Yeah yeah yeah yeah ♪
♪ Want to go to a garden party with me ♪
♪ Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah ♪
♪ You want to come along ♪
♪ To a garden party ♪
♪ With me ♪
♪ Killer party yeah ♪
♪ Where's my drink ♪
♪ Cut the cake yeah ♪
♪ Got finger food ♪
♪ Wanna go to a garden party with me ♪
♪ Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah ♪
♪ Wanna go to a garden party with me ♪
♪ Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah ♪
♪ You wanna go to a garden party with me ♪
♪ Nobody else ♪
♪ Nobody else but me ♪
♪ Wanna go to a garden party with me ♪
♪ Wanna go to a garden party with me ♪
♪ Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah ♪
♪ Wanna go to a garden party with me ♪
♪ Yeah yeah yeah yeah ♪
♪ With me ♪
♪ Wanna go to a garden party with me ♪
♪ Garden party yeah ♪
♪ Wanna go to a garden party ♪
♪ Let's go ♪
Caleb!
CALEB: What?
Where's the goddamn crudites platter?
Hold on.
(TOILET FLUSHES)
We have guests arriving any minute,
and he says hold on.
Sorry, I was mid-pee.
Okay well I need the crudites platter.
Okay, well it's in one of these drawers.
Cupboards.
Whatever.
Here it is.
ADDISON: On the counter.
Where?
There!
- You wash your hands?
- Huh?
Never mind.
Is there anything
else you want me to do?
- No.
- Are you sure?
I'm sure!
Okay!
Where are you going?
Check baseball scores?
Okay, we have guests any minutes.
And you said you didn't need me.
Okay just because I say I don't need you
doesn't mean I don't need you.
Okay, okay, what do you want me to do?
- (SIGHS)
- Nothing.
Well can I do nothing in the den
while I check baseball scores?
Fine.
Fine as in okay, or fine
as in you'll be sorry later?
And you say I overanalyze things?
Well honey, you're queen
of woman speak lately.
Oh, okay!
I see, it's all my fault!
No no no, it's just
you're obviously upset.
Is it me or are you just
anxious about the party?
Um, I'm not anxious about the party.
Okay, I'm anxious about
being ready for the party.
Look, look, look,
everything is almost done,
and it's just a few friends anyway.
It's just Wesley and
the new guy, and Reena.
And Melanie.
What?
And Melanie.
- No, no no no no.
- Don't start!
But honey...
Okay don't but honey me.
Melanie sits right next to Reena.
I couldn't not invite her.
Yeah, but she's like
nails on a chalkboard.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
And she's here.
I'm getting drunk.
Just get the door.
Fine.
Fine as in okay, or fine
as in you'll be sorry later?
- (BOTH CHUCKLE)
- Hey buddy!
Hi Caleb.
Hey guys.
It's tabouli salad.
It's totally vegan, but really good.
I just brought wine, hope that's cool.
Absolutely, come on in.
Addison's in the kitchen.
(PLUCKY MUSIC)
Tabouli salad!
Oh Wesley!
Muah, muah.
Lincoln, Addie, Addie, Lincoln.
Hi.
Oh, nice to meet you.
I'd shake your hand, but.
That's okay.
I kind of like my hand attached.
Caleb, darling.
Why don't you show the boys
out to the yard and make them a drink?
I'd love to.
Let's hit the bar, boys.
See ya outside.
Nice um,
nice knife.
Yeah, you know it is
a nice knife actually.
Thank you.
Whoa, this is nice!
Oh, thank you.
Bar's all set up over here.
Cool.
Really glad you could make it, Link.
You already said that.
Did I?
I have early onset Alzheimer's I think.
Oh.
That's sad.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
(SIGHS)
Red velvet cake!
Oh thank god.
Yeah, you need dessert?
No, I need backup.
The sudden testosterone level,
it's making me a little testy.
Are you menopausal?
No, but I'm getting a little menophobic.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
Come in.
(LINCOLN GRUNTING)
Seriously?
Seriously.
I didn't know that was your type.
Breathing is my type.
His dimples are extra.
(LINCOLN GRUNTING)
I didn't know he was gay.
I still don't, but he
offered to take me here today
so I figure he's either gay or super nice.
Could be both.
I'm never that lucky.
(CORK POPS)
That was hard,
but I got it off.
(PLUCKY MUSIC)
Caleb's just being a real jerk lately,
and today is no exception.
Oh come on, you guys
have been together forever.
You're gonna get married someday.
Not if one of us ends up dead first.
(PLUCKY MUSIC)
Thanks for inviting us there, Caleb.
Well we're damn glad to
have you on our team, Lincoln.
Oh, it's just Link.
I go by Link.
He goes by Link.
Well, we're damn glad to
have you on our team, Link.
Thank you.
To the Landfall Loons.
May we make baseball history this season.
- Hear hear.
- Right on.
So Link, you more of
a pitcher or a catcher?
(WESLEY SPLUTTERS)
You know I'm a shortstop.
Right.
Right.
(PLUCKY MUSIC)
Make way for more food!
Hi guys.
Everyone this is Reena.
Reena!
Wesley, you just get
more and more handsome.
Oh, I'll pay you later.
And you must be Lincoln.
Oh, just Link.
Like missing link?
I've heard so much about you.
You have?
And I have a friend who's
just dying to meet you.
Okay.
What friend?
I don't know.
Oh no.
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
(DOORBELL RINGS)
Hey, what is Reena talking about?
I don't know what you're talking about.
This friend.
You and Reena are not trying
to set up Link with Melanie.
I'm not trying to do anything.
I told Reena and Melanie about the party,
and who was invited, and that's all.
Now get out of my face.
This is not gonna be pretty.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
So you all play on the same team?
Well, we all play on
the same baseball team.
(WESLEY CHUCKLES)
(ALL LAUGHING)
I'm going to go get some wine.
I like her.
ADDISON: Melanie.
I brought fruitcake.
(PLUCKY MUSIC)
WESLEY: It's crudites.
It's vegetables.
Well, that's kind of the point.
I'm not really into vegetables.
You more into fruit?
I do like kumquats.
Kumquats?
I brought fruitcake!
Yes, yes you did.
Everyone, this is Melanie.
Hi everyone!
Actually, I think the only one
you don't know here today is Link.
Link, this is Melanie.
Melanie, this is Link.
Hi.
Well, hello there.
(GROWLS SEDUCTIVELY)
Oh don't worry, I don't bite, much.
I think the fruitcake
belongs over there.
Okay.
Catch you later, tiger.
Isn't she something?
Yeah, she's something all right.
Yeah starts in F and ends in freaky!
Better watch out, tiger.
Oh I'll protect you.
Can I get another drink?
He's kind of cute, huh?
In a dorky kind of way.
I like 'em dorky.
So what's with this
whole no cellphone thing?
It's Caleb's idea.
He wants us to try to spend
an entire afternoon unplugged.
And here I was hoping to get plugged.
(PLUCKY MUSIC)
(ADDISON GIGGLES)
Our phones and virtual connections
are becoming more important
than our actual here and now realities.
You can't just enjoy a meal anymore,
or an evening out.
You gotta document and share it
with everyone who wasn't there.
Um um um...
Yes, Link?
But isn't sharing good?
Yes, but you can share it afterwards!
You see people posting
about what they're doing,
so they're actually missing
half the real experience
because they're too busy
posting about it or sharing it
or getting sucked into some
tweet war or video wormhole.
So he said, "Not at our party."
BOTH: If we're inviting
people to be at our party,
they better actually be at our party.
BOTH: Wow.
That is so deep!
I am so tweeting about
this when I get home.
I can never keep up with the tech.
I figure a couple years, they'll just be
implanting it in our heads
anyways, so why bother?
Then we'd all be like the Borg.
Resistance is futile.
You're a Trekkie?
Live long and prosper.
Oh lord, Wes and Addie
have complete conversations
in nerd speak, and now you?
I'm becoming a minority in my own house.
ADDISON: Caleb, check on the barbecue?
On it!
You know, I could never barbecue.
It's hard.
You know to get the
fire burning just right.
That's true about so many things.
Is it?
So, Melanie, are you married?
No, single and free and available.
Imagine that.
I was married once, but he died.
Suicide?
No, a brain aneurysm.
Can you imagine?
He was married to me for two months,
and his brain exploded!
- I can't believe it.
- Well believe it.
And you haven't told Caleb?
I was waiting for the right time.
The right time?
He's going to figure it out eventually.
I know.
Well then you'll have to tell him then.
I know.
So what are you waiting for?
I, I don't know.
I just, this issue will make us
have to think about that other issue.
What other issue?
Oh.
That other issue.
Yeah, and that issue shouldn't
be hinged on this issue.
That issue should be based on,
well that's another issue.
You've got issues.
Tell me.
(PLUCKY MUSIC)
(HOT DOGS SIZZLING)
No, I mean I dug Janeway.
You know the whole girl power thing,
but Picard, ooh.
He will always be the captain for me.
I like Scott Bakula.
Who did you like, Link?
I kinda liked them all.
I guess I'm easy.
I hope so.
CALEB: Dogs are ready!
Thank god.
Faux dogs on the right,
real deal on the left.
What's a faux dog?
A vegetarian hot dog.
Wes and I are vegetarian.
You don't eat meat?
Well, I wouldn't say that.
Okay, I'm confused.
Don't worry about it, just try one.
And my tabouli salad.
It's to die for.
Which reminds me, hey Addie.
Well, you want a weenie?
I thought you would never ask.
(LINK CHUCKLES)
(PERCUSSIVE MUSIC)
(CHIP CRUNCHING)
It's good to see you relaxing.
I know I shouldn't
be the first one to eat
being the hostess and all,
but I think I was getting hangry.
Well, it's stressful throwing a party.
It's not the party.
It's Caleb, or me, us together.
Honey, you've got a lot on your plate.
A lot on your plate,
and every relationship
has its ups and downs.
Some days you love each other,
some days you want to kill each other.
That's normal.
I guess, as long as the
murder's a metaphor, right?
Exactly.
And if it isn't, that's
what friends are for,
to help hide the bodies
and not ask questions.
The cake looks delish, Reena.
It better, it took forever.
Well I think I gained
five pounds just passing by.
(GENTLE MUSIC)
Mm, looks like Link and
Melanie are getting along.
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
He's not a pig at an auction.
I never said he was.
WESLEY: She's sure
feeding him like he's one.
Are we jealous?
Suck it, Reena.
Well well, may the best girl win.
Suck it, and choke on it.
Everything looks mighty tasty.
Oh thank you.
He meant the food.
Duh.
All right, looks like
everyone has their food
and champagne, let's have a toast.
Hear hear.
To good friends, old and new,
and Melanie and to my
lovely co-host Addie.
I wouldn't throw a
party without you, baby.
Oh, you couldn't throw
a party without me.
- (GUESTS CHUCKLE)
- Amen.
(GLASSES CLINK)
(PLUCKY MUSIC)
What is your problem?
Oh, what's my problem?
That's rich.
You invited Melanie
and she's making everybody feel awkward.
Everyone?
Not me.
I don't feel awkward at all.
I bet Reena doesn't feel awkward.
Well Link does, and I do,
and I bet you Wesley does too.
So this is a guy thing?
Is that what this is about?
You guys can't handle a woman
who's a little different?
She's not just different,
she's aggressively different.
So aggressive women
threaten you, is that it?
Is that what this is about?
Do I threaten you?
(PLUCKY MUSIC)
That Melanie.
Yeah.
She's kind of freakin' me out.
Yeah, between her
fruitcake and her outfit
I wasn't sure if it was
Christmas or Halloween.
I think he likes me.
You're sure?
Oh yeah, I can tell things like that.
By the end of the night,
I'm going to have him
flat on his back, and screaming for Jesus.
Honey, look I don't understand
what's going on with you right now but...
Yeah that's the point
is you don't know what's going on with me.
Well why don't you tell me?
Now?
You wanna know now?
We are hosting a goddamn party!
We have guests in the backyard
right now who want dessert,
and all the sudden you
wanna get touchy feely?
Well I'm sorry buddy,
but I have a goddamn fruitcake to serve!
Can I talk to you for a second?
- Well...
- Great.
Ow!
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
(PLUCKY MUSIC)
What is with your friend?
Melanie?
Yeah, also known as the MILF from hell.
Look, she's tame enough at work.
Maybe she had too much
to drink, I don't know.
Well she's terrorizing Link.
He's a grown man.
She would scare Clint Eastwood.
(PLUCKY MUSIC)
(LINK SNIFFING)
(BEE BUZZING)
MELANIE: Are you playing hard to get?
(SULTRY MUSIC)
Wasn't trying.
Good, 'cause I like it hard.
That so?
Hard, hot, and furious.
Why'd you invite her?
That's so ridiculous.
- Help me with dessert?
- Ow!
She's out of control.
Which one?
I need a drink.
Oh hell yes.
What the hell is going on?
We're having dessert.
I'm cutting Melanie's fruitcake,
you're cutting your red velvet cake,
and we're all having a
goddamn wonderful time.
No need to be shy now, Linky-dink.
I know what men like.
Pizza and beer?
Pizza and beer and this.
Oh my.
(SULTRY MUSIC)
- Oh no, oh...
- Oh yes!
- No no, no no no.
- Oh yes!
No.
(PLUCKY MUSIC)
Where's Link?
Where's Melanie?
(LINK SCREAMS)
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
(INTENSE MUSIC)
(ALL SCREAMING)
Oh my god my cake, my cake,
oh my god!
Come on, come on, come on,
come on, come on, come on!
Come on come on come on!
Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!
What the hell was that?
What did he do to Melanie?
Where did he get a pickax in suburbia?
I don't know the answers
to any of these questions!
Well, what are we going to do?
We're gonna stay calm.
We're gonna stay inside.
And if he tries to smash in?
We're gonna call the cops
and hope that they show up before then.
Are you kidding me?
What do you think, that
the psycho killer out there
is just gonna hang out playing
shadow puppets on the wall
until he hears cop car sirens
and then he's gonna start to break in?
WESLEY: Guys.
There's no reason to be sarcastic.
- Guys.
- Oh I'm sorry!
I get a little on edge when
I'm almost getting killed!
- Guys!
- What?
The phone's not working!
So cliche.
Cellphones.
We didn't bring our cellphones.
Oh yeah.
Yeah that was a good idea.
It was a great idea!
Oh yeah, let's cut ourselves off
from the rest of the world.
Not such a good idea now, is it?
Well how would I know
that a psycho killer
was gonna show up, huh?
It's not like I invited him!
Hey conveniently escaped psycho killer,
if you don't have any plans for Saturday,
why don't you show up and
swing by, we're having a party?
B-Y-O pickax!
Now who's being sarcastic?
- Well what about you guys?
- What?
What about your cellphones?
Mine's at the office.
Ha, mine's in my purse.
Mine's in my purse.
Hey.
I don't see him.
(PLUCKY MUSIC)
God, goddamn black hole of a, aha!
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
Anybody?
Nothing.
Could he still be behind the garage?
Or maybe he's vanished.
Maybe he's a ghost back from the dead
to take revenge on the
human race that betrayed him
and let him be hung for a
murder he didn't commit.
Yo!
(ALL SCREAM)
What?
Don't do that!
What, I found my phone!
So call 911!
Oh no.
What's oh no?
It's dead.
Probably a bad choice of
words given the circumstances.
Where's your charger?
Addie, where's your charger?
I don't know.
CALEB: What do you mean you don't know?
I usually use the
computer to charge my phone.
The computer!
You know, the machine
with the screens and stuff.
Yes, the computer.
We can use it to contact the police!
Wesley, you're a genius!
I was valedictorian.
I thought you were a vegetarian.
Okay, it should charge fast enough.
I should be able to
get on the net faster.
Oh yeah, 'cause your way is
just so much better than mine.
It's not a competition!
My way is faster, though.
It's so quiet out there,
like the calm before the storm.
You're a real ray of sunshine.
- Shit.
- What?
- No internet connection.
- What?
They've been out here
twice already to fix this.
I know.
So we're trapped?
Trapped like a helpless animal
with its leg mangled
and bloody and broken...
We got it, Reena.
Okay, so what is the plan
now mister saves the day?
Ooh ooh, um, ooh um...
Yes, Link?
My cellphone's in my car.
I just have to go out and get it.
Out there?
Where the killer is?
Well, when you put it like that.
That's not a totally stupid idea.
Thank you!
What, are you kidding?
No, no, think about it.
If he's still out there
behind the garage doing
whatever it is he's doing...
- Oh my god!
- What?
He's ruining my red velvet cake!
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
(ALL SHRIEKING)
My cake.
Never mind your cake.
It took me hours!
Listen, all we have
to do is keep crazy man
in the backyard so Link can get to his car
and get his phone.
Okay, and how are we gonna do that?
I don't know, what am I supposed to
think of everything now?
Reena, what's he doing?
Licking his fingers.
I knew the frosting was good.
Now he's looking at the rest of the food.
Okay look, so if he is an escapee
he's probably starving,
so all we have to do is keep
him distracted by the food
so Link can get to his
car and get his phone.
Okay Link?
Uh okay.
Okay, Reena?
You and Addison keep an eye on crazy man,
let us know the minute he
starts for the house, okay?
Got it.
Oh my god, oh my god!
- What?
- What?
What?
I can't go.
I can't go!
Yes you can, you can do it.
No, no, no, no, I can't.
I'll die.
- No.
- No you won't.
We'll look after you.
Don't you see?
I'm wearing a red shirt.
(LINK SOBBING)
This isn't Star Wars.
- Star Trek.
- Whatever.
Uh no, not whatever.
Okay one is a TV series
and the other one is a cinematic trilogy.
Two trilogies.
One trilogy, and a few mistakes.
And Star Trek went on to
become a bunch of movies as well.
You're comparing cinematic trailblazing
with franchise exploitation.
Can we focus?
Killer outside, need help, need phone.
Need verbs.
- Lincoln.
- Huh?
You can do this.
We won't let anything bad
happen to you, promise.
Promise?
I promise.
- Okay I'll do it.
- My man.
Except...
Except what?
Well, I know I'm not the
brightest pencil in the box.
Bulb.
Huh?
Never mind.
Go on, man.
Well it's just that if he's distracted,
why don't we all run out the front door,
get in my car, and get out of here, huh?
(PLUCKY MUSIC)
Go, go hut hut hut
hut hut hut go go go go!
- Wait.
- What?
Should we bring anything?
To the cops?
You mean like doughnuts?
No idiots, I mean like
IDs, credit card, anything.
We could be killed any
minute, so let's just go!
Reena's right, we lose this window
we may never get another one.
Which car is yours?
Big black truck right outside.
Okay get your keys out, you'll go first.
Okay.
(PLUCKY MUSIC)
- Got 'em.
- Okay, on three
everybody run like hell.
One, two, three!
(ALL SCREAMING)
Next idea.
- Neighbors!
- Huh?
Well they must have heard the screaming!
Maybe they called the police.
Maybe they thought it
was football game cheering.
No, they could all be dead.
Huh?
Well he could've gotten to them first.
Well then we would've heard screaming.
Not if he caught them by surprise.
All of 'em?
We have neighbors on all sides, okay?
That would have been
impossibly coincidental.
Unless he used time travel,
or is from another dimension.
You watch way too much Star Wars!
ALL THREE: Star Trek!
Whatever!
Just because we haven't
figured something out
doesn't mean it's impossible.
Well, let's just try
to figure this out, okay?
Assuming we're dealing with
the laws of our own reality
which is sucking it up
as it is, by the way...
He's on the move again.
Which way?
Does it matter?
Well yes, if he's going
away from us across the street
to kill somebody else, it does matter.
We can get to safety.
Not exactly a win.
He's going around the right!
Why isn't he breaking in
through a window or something?
I don't know Wes, maybe
you should go outside
and give him some pointers.
I'm just saying!
Wes is right.
He could've gotten in here
by now if he wanted to.
So why hasn't he, what's he doing?
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
He's playing with us!
He's a cat and we're dead mice!
- Ew.
- Seriously.
Metaphor wimps.
Well what are we
gonna do, just sit here?
No, no, no, whether he's
coming in or going out
we're gonna be prepared.
Oh prepared, right.
Okay who here took a course on
advanced psycho escape plans?
Well we've got a whole
house full of stuff, right?
Grab anything that could be used
as a weapon or protection
and bring it here.
Like knives!
Knives are great.
Anything like that, bring it in here now.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Okay?
- Yeah.
Go!
(LINK GROANS)
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
Hairspray?
What are you gonna do, quaff him to death?
No, you spray it while
holding a flame in front of it.
It sprays fire.
Wow, that's good.
I'm a MacGyver girl.
So do we make a run for it or what?
Well, let's see if he's still there.
ADDISON: I don't see him.
Maybe he did go to a neighbor.
I hope it's the Petersons.
They drive a Hummer!
Oh yeah.
I'll go check out back.
Maybe he's eating again.
- Oh.
- What?
I hope he's not eating Melanie.
Ew!
Seriously!
(PLUCKY MUSIC)
Here crazy, crazy, crazy.
No crazy here.
(HAND THUDS)
(REENA SCREAMS)
What, what?
He, he, he...
Sounds like?
He's still there.
What the hell is he doing?
Dead mice, we're all dead mice!
She really needs to stop saying that.
Seriously.
Okay, we all need to think this through.
There's five of us, and only one of him.
So?
So, we outnumber him.
We should be able to
corral him into a corner,
or into the garage even.
Not the garage.
I just had it painted.
So when he goes nuts and
starts swinging that pickax
at all of us, do you
think that drapery rod
is gonna stop him,
and everything else we have
its half his size at least.
What about a diversion?
I don't think a board game's
gonna work for me right about now.
No I mean, what if we
all get his attention
except for Caleb, who
sneaks up from behind?
Well then you'll be close enough
to whack him upside the head
and you'll have the element of
surprise to get away with it.
That could work.
You're smart.
I'm limber too, but that's
not really relevant right now.
Okay, so you want all
of us to go out the back
and just hope that he
doesn't start swinging
before Caleb conks him on the head?
What is the potential
success rate of that?
Well if you've got a
better idea, we're all ears.
I say we go for Link's truck.
I say we go to the neighbor's.
I say we go to the den.
(INTENSE MUSIC)
(ALL SCREAMING)
(LINK WHIMPERS)
This is ridiculous!
I feel like a ping pong ball.
Why is he tormenting us?
It makes no sense!
Well psychos don't make sense.
That's what makes them psychos!
Okay, okay, we just need
to have a plan of attack
so we're not sitting here like lame ducks.
Dead mice.
ALL THREE: Shut up!
Wait, where's Link?
- Link?
- Link?
Link?
(EERIE MUSIC)
I got lost.
But I had a thought.
Did it hurt?
No.
What I thought was,
every time we come back
here, he comes back here.
If we go to the front, he
goes to the front, right?
Wow, Einstein's got nothing on you.
Huh?
Never mind, go on.
Okay, so if we just wait for
him to come back here again,
and when he does I go out to the truck,
get the cellphone.
If all you are still here,
maybe he'll never know I'm gone.
Okay, okay but I think someone
should go with you for backup.
I'll go.
Great, okay.
So you guys sneak in through the kitchen
into the front entry way, wait there.
But we need to have someone
in this room so he'll see,
so Reena, you stand guard
by this window all right?
Addie and I will take
opposite ends of the kitchen,
and that way when you see
him, you signal Addie.
Addie will signal me, and
I'll signal you guys, okay?
But not a sound, shh.
Shh.
All right, let's get into our positions.
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
- I hope this works.
- You and me both.
But if it doesn't,
if we're about to die...
What?
I guess it's now or never.
For what?
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
(ADDISON GASPS)
Uh.
I think he saw.
(GROWLS)
I think he's mad.
(CHOKING)
I think he's suicidal.
Go, you idiots!
- Go, go go!
- Go!
- The door!
- The door!
Got it!
Bitch slammed the door in my face!
Come on!
- He heard!
- We all heard!
But he's going around!
Caleb, he's going around!
Distract him!
Distract him?
Distract him with what?
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
Get in there, that's
my car, that's my car.
Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god.
Where's your phone?
Get your phone!
Um, the glove box.
Hey over here you crazy
psycho killer whack job!
With a pickax.
And a bad sense of humor.
(CALEB SCREAMS)
These are not my running shoes!
Come on, come on, come on, come on!
Oh, I chipped a nail.
(INTENSE MUSIC)
CALEB: Open the door, open the door!
Oh shit!
Open the door, open the door!
I heard you!
What do we do?
Uh.
Don't open the door,
don't open the door!
Open the door, don't open the door.
Make up your friggin' mind!
This guy's not gonna kill me.
I'm gonna die of a heart attack.
And I got a stain too.
(INTENSE MUSIC)
Addie!
Addie!
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
Oh my god!
(PSYCHO CHUCKLES)
(PSYCHO LAUGHS)
(METAL CLANGS)
(CALEB SIGHS)
Thank you.
Uh, sure.
- Oh my god, oh my god.
- Oh my god!
Oh my god, wow!
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
Oh my god, that was so amazing you guys!
Caleb, are you okay?
Yeah.
You were great.
You were so great.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Aww.
Aww.
Aww.
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
(BOTH SCREAM)
(ALL SCREAMING)
(INTENSE MUSIC)
Guys?
Guys!
Dinner!
I think he's dead.
CALEB: Oh yeah.
Yeah, that looks like dead.
So what do we do now?
Well we could just
drag his body over here
- to where Melanie, oh shit.
- What?
What?
- What?
- What, what?
LINK: What what what?
Where's Melanie?
Do you think he ate her?
Ew!
Seriously.
No, he (GAGS) he wouldn't
have time to eat her.
Okay you know what?
He wasn't quite dead, so
maybe she wasn't either.
Maybe she crawled to safety.
But wouldn't there be a trail of blood?
Maybe she was being tidy.
Maybe she spider crawled upside down
like Regan in "The Exorcist."
No, no maybe we should
just call the cops.
Oh yeah, I got my cellphone.
WESLEY: Link.
Huh?
It's in your pocket.
Oh yeah.
(PLUCKY MUSIC)
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
Got it.
I mean what are you
gonna tell the police, huh?
You all did just brutally murder someone.
Ah no, no, no, no, no,
that was self-defense.
Hm, mostly.
- No signal.
- What?
No signal.
Oh Jesus Christ, again?
This always happens!
Addie, calm down.
No, I will not calm down!
You know this is my pet peeve.
This is just a plot for cellphone services
to make us spend more money!
But Addie...
No don't you but Addie me, okay?
I can understand how no one can manage
peace in the Middle East,
or fix global warming,
but basic internet?
Basic cellphone service?
Addie!
No!
I want answers!
I wanna know how we can talk
to men on the goddamn moon,
but we can't get a signal
from a cellphone tower two blocks away?
Have you ever considered
anger management?
I don't need anger management!
I need the world to stop pissing me off!
(ADDISON SOBBING)
Guess I should go talk to her.
I guess I'll go see if
Addie's cellphone is charged.
Maybe she can get service.
I guess I'll see if
the internet's working.
(PLUCKY MUSIC)
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
CALEB: Honey.
I'm sorry.
It's okay.
I know you've been
under a lot of pressure.
Tell me.
Well I know you pretty well,
and I know you've been
carrying something around.
You have no idea how right you are.
(PLUCKY MUSIC)
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
No go.
Nothing here.
- That's wonderful!
- Are you sure?
Of course I'm sure!
I'm not too much of a handful as it is?
No way, I'll prove it to you.
Addison Lundsky,
will you marry me?
(ADDISON GASPS)
What is it?
(DOORBELL RINGS)
Fuck off, we're getting engaged!
(BOTH GIGGLE)
(DOORBELL RINGS)
Who could that be?
What am I, psychic?
BOTH: Bitchy.
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
REENA: What the?
Tadah!
It's alive!
Don't let it get me.
You're alive?
Don't look so disappointed!
Have you all been having fun?
Fun?
What are you talking about?
You were killed, by a psycho killer!
Oh Randy.
You know the psycho killer?
Kind of makes sense.
He's an actor friend.
He belongs to this group
that does these crazy pranks,
like the unexpected psycho killer.
Neat party game, right?
Did you spill punch?
Guess who just got engaged?
Melanie?
Melanie got engaged?
You're alive?
Not for long.
Oh get a sense of humor.
Wait, wait, wait, wait,
what's going on here?
She punked us!
What?
The psycho killer?
Randy.
He's an actor friend of hers
that she hired for an
elaborate party game.
(LAUGHS CRAZILY)
Isn't that funny?
Oh.
My.
God.
Why are you all acting so weird?
You were never in any real danger.
And now that you know the truth,
you should be laughing and having fun!
What's wrong with you?
What's wrong with us?
I'm gonna kill her.
Oh, no more killing.
No, no, I've got a better idea.
Why don't we just show
Melanie what's wrong with us,
aside from the fact
that she has officially
overshadowed our engagement announcement!
Are you sure?
Yeah, I'm pretty sure
returning from the dead
trumps a wedding announcement.
No, I mean are you
sure we should show her?
Oh.
Do we have a choice?
(BELL TOLLS)
Show me what?
(MELANIE SCREAMS)
Oh my god!
Oh how did this happen?
Who did this?
Well we all kind of helped.
Are you all crazy?
You just killed a perfectly good actor!
Well, a reasonably good one.
His Macbeth was a little weak.
But still, you can't go
around killing people!
How could we possibly know
that he was just acting?
We didn't sign up for a Halloween night
at Spookytown or anything.
You pranked us.
Punked.
Whatever!
This has gotta be
illegal, or it oughta be.
You are crazy for thinking
this was a good idea.
Oh I'm crazy?
I faked my death.
You all actually committed murder!
It was self-defense!
Mostly.
Fine, I'm calling the police.
Oh yeah?
Okay, well good luck with that okay?
We don't have cellphone service.
Mm-mm.
And you know what?
I'm actually suddenly okay with that.
Oh fine!
I'll drive to the station.
Do we let her go?
Or what?
I'm getting the hairspray.
(BELL TOLLS)
Melanie wait!
Wait for what, for you
to explain some more?
Or do you want to kill me too?
Well.
Can we please just,
let's just think about this for a minute.
Oh sure, now.
Now you want to think about it.
Why didn't you think about it
before you turned Randy's head into pate?
Vivid.
If you'd thought about it then,
this all could have been avoided.
I mean, how likely is an
escaped psycho killer?
There are no loony bins around here.
Where could he have come from?
He could've been crazy all along
and just suddenly cracked,
like the guy in "Maniac."
Yeah, or stolen a car and escaped
like the guy in "Halloween."
You like horror too?
Yeah, in the movies!
Well this is not a movie!
This is reality!
And escaped psycho killers
from out of nowhere
hellbent on killing a specific
bunch of innocent people
is about as real as a
spontaneously generating
zombie apocalypse!
(ZOMBIE ROARS)
(ALL SCREAMING)
(ZOMBIE SNARLING)
That's nice, Melanie, really nice.
You're really gonna
try to punk us again?
Yeah fool me once, shame on me.
Fool me twice...
No fool me once, shame on you.
That's what I just said.
Anyway, get out of our place,
and take Melanie with you.
She ruined the party.
Yeah, you ruined the party.
Yeah, and if that fake
blood stains my floor,
then you're paying for it missy.
(ZOMBIE GROWLS)
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
Okay, five points for
staying in character.
And bonus points for the makeup effects.
Those are really good.
Yeah.
(ZOMBIE SNARLS)
Get your zombie ass out of my house.
(ZOMBIE ROARS)
I said get your ass out of my house!
(BELL TOLLS)
I'm sick of this shit!
All right, show's over Melanie, get up.
Yeah, and your fake blood really stinks.
(SNIFFS)
- (CAN RATTLES)
- What the hell?
CALEB: Honey?
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
Oh my god.
- Oh.
- My.
REENA: God!
(ZOMBIES GROANING)
How many actors does Melanie know?
It's like a whole theater
company or something.
Wait a minute, that's the Petersons.
And the McDougals.
Well no wonder none of
the neighbors responded.
They're all in on it.
(PLUCKY MUSIC)
(GRILL SIZZLES)
(EERIE MUSIC)
Uh-oh.
(ZOMBIES GROANING)
(PLUCKY MUSIC)
Oh no.
(REENA WHISTLES)
Joke's over, folks!
Go play Halloween dress
up day somewhere else!
(ZOMBIES GROANING)
Oh no you don't!
(EERIE MUSIC)
Guys!
What is it?
Yeah, you look like you've seen a ghost.
Spit it out!
Melanie's dead.
Again.
Yeah, we know.
No, I mean really dead.
Really dead?
Really dead?
Really, really dead?
Really, really, really dead.
Move it!
But if she's really dead,
then those people out there are...
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
This is not your cake,
this is not your party!
(ZOMBIE GROWLS)
(REENA GROWLS)
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
Ha!
Now you all just have to
find something else to eat.
(ZOMBIES GROANING)
(JAW CLACKING)
(REENA SCREAMS)
(INTENSE ROCK MUSIC)
(ALL SCREAMING)
(ZOMBIE HISSES)
(SNAPS FINGERS)
(ZOMBIE GROANS)
(ZOMBIE GROANS)
(ZOMBIES GROANING)
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
Woohoo!
(ALL CHEERING)
(TRIUMPHANT MUSIC)
REENA: Yay!
REPORTER: With the last
of the zombies terminated
only a few weeks ago, the
city returns to normal.
Neither local nor federal officials
have been able to determine
the cause of the outbreak.
Mayor Jones said quote, "Since
it didn't follow any rules
"of any zombie movie ever made,
"as far as finding a cause,
"we're pretty much
(BLEEP) up the (BLEEP)."
Congratulations again, man.
Why thank you, yeah we're
pretty excited you know?
A wedding and a baby just months apart.
You're a lucky guy.
Well, so are you apparently.
Huh?
Wesley.
Oh yeah.
Who knew?
Yeah, I mean didn't you?
Nope, I didn't even know he was gay.
Helen Keller would know Wesley was gay,
but I'm talking about you.
Oh.
Nope, kind of a surprise.
Really?
Guys like me don't get much action.
I was lucky to get bad
head every couple of years.
Wes gives great head.
Okay.
And he cooks!
What more does a guy want?
Pussy?
Not so much.
Good food, good head, I'm a happy camper.
You ready to go babe?
LINK: You bet, sweetie.
And I will see you at next week's game.
Damn straight.
Figure of speech!
- Bye.
- See you at the game.
See you later.
- Addie.
- Bye.
- Bye, sweetie.
- Thank you.
- No we got it.
- Okay.
They are such a cute couple!
So are we.
- No we're not.
- What?
We're a cute threesome.
We are, yes we are a cute threesome.
Let's clean up.
Okay.
Hey, did I tell you that
I got a postcard from Reena?
Oh really, how's the
singles cruise going?
Great, she said she met a man
and he's not gay or undead.
See, I told you she
had to get out of LA.
Mhmm, you know I think all that blood
actually was good for the grass.
It's never looked greener.
Hm.
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
(SOIL RUMBLING)
(WORMS SQUELCHING)
(WORM ROARS)
(BELL TOLLS)
(INTENSE MUSIC)
♪ Here we go ♪
♪ Whoa ♪
♪ Dinner party ♪
MELANIE: About as real
as a spontaneously generated
zombie apocalypse!
(ZOMBIE GROANING)
- Hold, hold!
- Camera's like.
(GIGGLING)
- Hold!
- I'm holding her.
I'm holding her.
Hold.
I'm so sorry, I'll get it, okay.
I was laughing.
She's giggly.
- Here we go.
- This is a funny scene.
It's a really funny scene, I'm sorry.
I'll get it together.
Where from, Jeff?
(ADDISON SIGHS)
CREW: Right there from the line
on action, the zombie attacks.
Okay.
Scream, everybody.
CREW: That's at the
top of the stingers.
(ADDISON GIGGLES)
- Wait is this the...
- He's gonna just attack.
- Yeah.
- Oh.
- I'm sorry.
- And we're gonna react.
(INTENSE MUSIC)
♪ Whoa dinner party ♪
- I'll go.
- Okay, good.
So, we need one person in here.
(LAUGHS)
(ALL GIGGLING)
- I can't.
- Damn it!
Help, somebody help.
(ROCK MUSIC)
♪ Getting funky ♪
CREW: Your eyeline for...
LINK: Oh I'm not
looking at them at all.
- Oh okay.
- I'm in my own idiot world.
CREW: Okay, cool.
LINK: Oh you mean at
the end, yeah yeah yeah.
- Yeah.
- Right right.
CREW: All right, camera set.
Here we go, and action.
(LINK GRUNTING)
LINK: Okay, I can't get that off.
(LAUGHING)
♪ Whenever ♪
♪ Wanna go to a garden party ♪
Yeah, between her
outfit and her fruitcake
I wasn't sure if it was
Halloween or Christmas.
That's reversed, sorry.
CREW: All right, reset right away.
That was backwards.
At least I matched it.
♪ Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah ♪
♪ Wanna go to a garden party with me ♪
CREW: Action.
(REENA WHIMPERING)
- Ew, ugh, oh god.
- Okay.
That's gotta be enough of that, yeah?
♪ Come along ♪
♪ To a garden party ♪
♪ With me ♪
Oh my god!
Who did this?
I'm sorry I rapped.
That's okay.
We got a giant plane anyway.
♪ Killer party yeah ♪
♪ Where's my drink ♪
- Before you...
- You, I would like you
to raise it before, but
since we're not even
saying the lines it
kind of doesn't matter,
but yeah the idea is you come out,
he says, "Don't open the
door, don't open the door,"
you raise it up, and he starts running...
So after the door line, okay.
♪ Killer party yeah ♪
♪ Where's my drink ♪
♪ Pop that gate yeah ♪
♪ Got finger food ♪
♪ Wanna go to a garden party with me ♪
♪ Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah ♪
♪ Wanna go to a garden party with me ♪
♪ Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah ♪
(RECORD SCRATCHES)
Ooh, I'm hungry.
CALEB: Nuts.
Can't.
Part of the props, in the kitchen.
They go back in the bowl.
They go back in the cup on the kitchen.
CALEB: I've been eatin' 'em.
You've been eating them?
You're fired.
♪ Do you wanna go to a
garden party with me ♪
♪ Nobody else ♪
♪ Nobody else but me ♪
♪ Ah ha ha ha ♪
♪ Wanna go to a garden party with me ♪
♪ Wanna go to a garden party with me ♪
♪ Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah ♪
♪ Wanna go to a garden party with me ♪
♪ Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah ♪
♪ With me ♪
♪ Wanna go to a garden party ♪
♪ With nobody else ♪
♪ Cue the party ♪
(DISCORDANT MUSIC)
ADDISON: Caleb, where the
hell is the crudites platter?
(INTENSE ROCK MUSIC)
♪ Here we go ♪
♪ Whoa ♪
♪ Dinner party ♪
♪ I need a drink ♪
♪ Get some cake ♪
♪ Whatever ♪
♪ Want to go to a garden party with me ♪
♪ Yeah yeah yeah yeah ♪
♪ Want to go to a garden party with me ♪
♪ Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah ♪
♪ You want to come along ♪
♪ To a garden party ♪
♪ With me ♪
♪ Killer party yeah ♪
♪ Where's my drink ♪
♪ Cut the cake yeah ♪
♪ Got finger food ♪
♪ Wanna go to a garden party with me ♪
♪ Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah ♪
♪ Wanna go to a garden party with me ♪
♪ Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah ♪
♪ You wanna go to a garden party with me ♪
♪ Nobody else ♪
♪ Nobody else but me ♪
♪ Wanna go to a garden party with me ♪
♪ Wanna go to a garden party with me ♪
♪ Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah ♪
♪ Wanna go to a garden party with me ♪
♪ Yeah yeah yeah yeah ♪
♪ With me ♪
♪ Wanna go to a garden party with me ♪
♪ Garden party yeah ♪
♪ Wanna go to a garden party ♪
♪ Let's go ♪
Caleb!
CALEB: What?
Where's the goddamn crudites platter?
Hold on.
(TOILET FLUSHES)
We have guests arriving any minute,
and he says hold on.
Sorry, I was mid-pee.
Okay well I need the crudites platter.
Okay, well it's in one of these drawers.
Cupboards.
Whatever.
Here it is.
ADDISON: On the counter.
Where?
There!
- You wash your hands?
- Huh?
Never mind.
Is there anything
else you want me to do?
- No.
- Are you sure?
I'm sure!
Okay!
Where are you going?
Check baseball scores?
Okay, we have guests any minutes.
And you said you didn't need me.
Okay just because I say I don't need you
doesn't mean I don't need you.
Okay, okay, what do you want me to do?
- (SIGHS)
- Nothing.
Well can I do nothing in the den
while I check baseball scores?
Fine.
Fine as in okay, or fine
as in you'll be sorry later?
And you say I overanalyze things?
Well honey, you're queen
of woman speak lately.
Oh, okay!
I see, it's all my fault!
No no no, it's just
you're obviously upset.
Is it me or are you just
anxious about the party?
Um, I'm not anxious about the party.
Okay, I'm anxious about
being ready for the party.
Look, look, look,
everything is almost done,
and it's just a few friends anyway.
It's just Wesley and
the new guy, and Reena.
And Melanie.
What?
And Melanie.
- No, no no no no.
- Don't start!
But honey...
Okay don't but honey me.
Melanie sits right next to Reena.
I couldn't not invite her.
Yeah, but she's like
nails on a chalkboard.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
And she's here.
I'm getting drunk.
Just get the door.
Fine.
Fine as in okay, or fine
as in you'll be sorry later?
- (BOTH CHUCKLE)
- Hey buddy!
Hi Caleb.
Hey guys.
It's tabouli salad.
It's totally vegan, but really good.
I just brought wine, hope that's cool.
Absolutely, come on in.
Addison's in the kitchen.
(PLUCKY MUSIC)
Tabouli salad!
Oh Wesley!
Muah, muah.
Lincoln, Addie, Addie, Lincoln.
Hi.
Oh, nice to meet you.
I'd shake your hand, but.
That's okay.
I kind of like my hand attached.
Caleb, darling.
Why don't you show the boys
out to the yard and make them a drink?
I'd love to.
Let's hit the bar, boys.
See ya outside.
Nice um,
nice knife.
Yeah, you know it is
a nice knife actually.
Thank you.
Whoa, this is nice!
Oh, thank you.
Bar's all set up over here.
Cool.
Really glad you could make it, Link.
You already said that.
Did I?
I have early onset Alzheimer's I think.
Oh.
That's sad.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
(SIGHS)
Red velvet cake!
Oh thank god.
Yeah, you need dessert?
No, I need backup.
The sudden testosterone level,
it's making me a little testy.
Are you menopausal?
No, but I'm getting a little menophobic.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
Come in.
(LINCOLN GRUNTING)
Seriously?
Seriously.
I didn't know that was your type.
Breathing is my type.
His dimples are extra.
(LINCOLN GRUNTING)
I didn't know he was gay.
I still don't, but he
offered to take me here today
so I figure he's either gay or super nice.
Could be both.
I'm never that lucky.
(CORK POPS)
That was hard,
but I got it off.
(PLUCKY MUSIC)
Caleb's just being a real jerk lately,
and today is no exception.
Oh come on, you guys
have been together forever.
You're gonna get married someday.
Not if one of us ends up dead first.
(PLUCKY MUSIC)
Thanks for inviting us there, Caleb.
Well we're damn glad to
have you on our team, Lincoln.
Oh, it's just Link.
I go by Link.
He goes by Link.
Well, we're damn glad to
have you on our team, Link.
Thank you.
To the Landfall Loons.
May we make baseball history this season.
- Hear hear.
- Right on.
So Link, you more of
a pitcher or a catcher?
(WESLEY SPLUTTERS)
You know I'm a shortstop.
Right.
Right.
(PLUCKY MUSIC)
Make way for more food!
Hi guys.
Everyone this is Reena.
Reena!
Wesley, you just get
more and more handsome.
Oh, I'll pay you later.
And you must be Lincoln.
Oh, just Link.
Like missing link?
I've heard so much about you.
You have?
And I have a friend who's
just dying to meet you.
Okay.
What friend?
I don't know.
Oh no.
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
(DOORBELL RINGS)
Hey, what is Reena talking about?
I don't know what you're talking about.
This friend.
You and Reena are not trying
to set up Link with Melanie.
I'm not trying to do anything.
I told Reena and Melanie about the party,
and who was invited, and that's all.
Now get out of my face.
This is not gonna be pretty.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
So you all play on the same team?
Well, we all play on
the same baseball team.
(WESLEY CHUCKLES)
(ALL LAUGHING)
I'm going to go get some wine.
I like her.
ADDISON: Melanie.
I brought fruitcake.
(PLUCKY MUSIC)
WESLEY: It's crudites.
It's vegetables.
Well, that's kind of the point.
I'm not really into vegetables.
You more into fruit?
I do like kumquats.
Kumquats?
I brought fruitcake!
Yes, yes you did.
Everyone, this is Melanie.
Hi everyone!
Actually, I think the only one
you don't know here today is Link.
Link, this is Melanie.
Melanie, this is Link.
Hi.
Well, hello there.
(GROWLS SEDUCTIVELY)
Oh don't worry, I don't bite, much.
I think the fruitcake
belongs over there.
Okay.
Catch you later, tiger.
Isn't she something?
Yeah, she's something all right.
Yeah starts in F and ends in freaky!
Better watch out, tiger.
Oh I'll protect you.
Can I get another drink?
He's kind of cute, huh?
In a dorky kind of way.
I like 'em dorky.
So what's with this
whole no cellphone thing?
It's Caleb's idea.
He wants us to try to spend
an entire afternoon unplugged.
And here I was hoping to get plugged.
(PLUCKY MUSIC)
(ADDISON GIGGLES)
Our phones and virtual connections
are becoming more important
than our actual here and now realities.
You can't just enjoy a meal anymore,
or an evening out.
You gotta document and share it
with everyone who wasn't there.
Um um um...
Yes, Link?
But isn't sharing good?
Yes, but you can share it afterwards!
You see people posting
about what they're doing,
so they're actually missing
half the real experience
because they're too busy
posting about it or sharing it
or getting sucked into some
tweet war or video wormhole.
So he said, "Not at our party."
BOTH: If we're inviting
people to be at our party,
they better actually be at our party.
BOTH: Wow.
That is so deep!
I am so tweeting about
this when I get home.
I can never keep up with the tech.
I figure a couple years, they'll just be
implanting it in our heads
anyways, so why bother?
Then we'd all be like the Borg.
Resistance is futile.
You're a Trekkie?
Live long and prosper.
Oh lord, Wes and Addie
have complete conversations
in nerd speak, and now you?
I'm becoming a minority in my own house.
ADDISON: Caleb, check on the barbecue?
On it!
You know, I could never barbecue.
It's hard.
You know to get the
fire burning just right.
That's true about so many things.
Is it?
So, Melanie, are you married?
No, single and free and available.
Imagine that.
I was married once, but he died.
Suicide?
No, a brain aneurysm.
Can you imagine?
He was married to me for two months,
and his brain exploded!
- I can't believe it.
- Well believe it.
And you haven't told Caleb?
I was waiting for the right time.
The right time?
He's going to figure it out eventually.
I know.
Well then you'll have to tell him then.
I know.
So what are you waiting for?
I, I don't know.
I just, this issue will make us
have to think about that other issue.
What other issue?
Oh.
That other issue.
Yeah, and that issue shouldn't
be hinged on this issue.
That issue should be based on,
well that's another issue.
You've got issues.
Tell me.
(PLUCKY MUSIC)
(HOT DOGS SIZZLING)
No, I mean I dug Janeway.
You know the whole girl power thing,
but Picard, ooh.
He will always be the captain for me.
I like Scott Bakula.
Who did you like, Link?
I kinda liked them all.
I guess I'm easy.
I hope so.
CALEB: Dogs are ready!
Thank god.
Faux dogs on the right,
real deal on the left.
What's a faux dog?
A vegetarian hot dog.
Wes and I are vegetarian.
You don't eat meat?
Well, I wouldn't say that.
Okay, I'm confused.
Don't worry about it, just try one.
And my tabouli salad.
It's to die for.
Which reminds me, hey Addie.
Well, you want a weenie?
I thought you would never ask.
(LINK CHUCKLES)
(PERCUSSIVE MUSIC)
(CHIP CRUNCHING)
It's good to see you relaxing.
I know I shouldn't
be the first one to eat
being the hostess and all,
but I think I was getting hangry.
Well, it's stressful throwing a party.
It's not the party.
It's Caleb, or me, us together.
Honey, you've got a lot on your plate.
A lot on your plate,
and every relationship
has its ups and downs.
Some days you love each other,
some days you want to kill each other.
That's normal.
I guess, as long as the
murder's a metaphor, right?
Exactly.
And if it isn't, that's
what friends are for,
to help hide the bodies
and not ask questions.
The cake looks delish, Reena.
It better, it took forever.
Well I think I gained
five pounds just passing by.
(GENTLE MUSIC)
Mm, looks like Link and
Melanie are getting along.
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
He's not a pig at an auction.
I never said he was.
WESLEY: She's sure
feeding him like he's one.
Are we jealous?
Suck it, Reena.
Well well, may the best girl win.
Suck it, and choke on it.
Everything looks mighty tasty.
Oh thank you.
He meant the food.
Duh.
All right, looks like
everyone has their food
and champagne, let's have a toast.
Hear hear.
To good friends, old and new,
and Melanie and to my
lovely co-host Addie.
I wouldn't throw a
party without you, baby.
Oh, you couldn't throw
a party without me.
- (GUESTS CHUCKLE)
- Amen.
(GLASSES CLINK)
(PLUCKY MUSIC)
What is your problem?
Oh, what's my problem?
That's rich.
You invited Melanie
and she's making everybody feel awkward.
Everyone?
Not me.
I don't feel awkward at all.
I bet Reena doesn't feel awkward.
Well Link does, and I do,
and I bet you Wesley does too.
So this is a guy thing?
Is that what this is about?
You guys can't handle a woman
who's a little different?
She's not just different,
she's aggressively different.
So aggressive women
threaten you, is that it?
Is that what this is about?
Do I threaten you?
(PLUCKY MUSIC)
That Melanie.
Yeah.
She's kind of freakin' me out.
Yeah, between her
fruitcake and her outfit
I wasn't sure if it was
Christmas or Halloween.
I think he likes me.
You're sure?
Oh yeah, I can tell things like that.
By the end of the night,
I'm going to have him
flat on his back, and screaming for Jesus.
Honey, look I don't understand
what's going on with you right now but...
Yeah that's the point
is you don't know what's going on with me.
Well why don't you tell me?
Now?
You wanna know now?
We are hosting a goddamn party!
We have guests in the backyard
right now who want dessert,
and all the sudden you
wanna get touchy feely?
Well I'm sorry buddy,
but I have a goddamn fruitcake to serve!
Can I talk to you for a second?
- Well...
- Great.
Ow!
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
(PLUCKY MUSIC)
What is with your friend?
Melanie?
Yeah, also known as the MILF from hell.
Look, she's tame enough at work.
Maybe she had too much
to drink, I don't know.
Well she's terrorizing Link.
He's a grown man.
She would scare Clint Eastwood.
(PLUCKY MUSIC)
(LINK SNIFFING)
(BEE BUZZING)
MELANIE: Are you playing hard to get?
(SULTRY MUSIC)
Wasn't trying.
Good, 'cause I like it hard.
That so?
Hard, hot, and furious.
Why'd you invite her?
That's so ridiculous.
- Help me with dessert?
- Ow!
She's out of control.
Which one?
I need a drink.
Oh hell yes.
What the hell is going on?
We're having dessert.
I'm cutting Melanie's fruitcake,
you're cutting your red velvet cake,
and we're all having a
goddamn wonderful time.
No need to be shy now, Linky-dink.
I know what men like.
Pizza and beer?
Pizza and beer and this.
Oh my.
(SULTRY MUSIC)
- Oh no, oh...
- Oh yes!
- No no, no no no.
- Oh yes!
No.
(PLUCKY MUSIC)
Where's Link?
Where's Melanie?
(LINK SCREAMS)
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
(INTENSE MUSIC)
(ALL SCREAMING)
Oh my god my cake, my cake,
oh my god!
Come on, come on, come on,
come on, come on, come on!
Come on come on come on!
Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!
What the hell was that?
What did he do to Melanie?
Where did he get a pickax in suburbia?
I don't know the answers
to any of these questions!
Well, what are we going to do?
We're gonna stay calm.
We're gonna stay inside.
And if he tries to smash in?
We're gonna call the cops
and hope that they show up before then.
Are you kidding me?
What do you think, that
the psycho killer out there
is just gonna hang out playing
shadow puppets on the wall
until he hears cop car sirens
and then he's gonna start to break in?
WESLEY: Guys.
There's no reason to be sarcastic.
- Guys.
- Oh I'm sorry!
I get a little on edge when
I'm almost getting killed!
- Guys!
- What?
The phone's not working!
So cliche.
Cellphones.
We didn't bring our cellphones.
Oh yeah.
Yeah that was a good idea.
It was a great idea!
Oh yeah, let's cut ourselves off
from the rest of the world.
Not such a good idea now, is it?
Well how would I know
that a psycho killer
was gonna show up, huh?
It's not like I invited him!
Hey conveniently escaped psycho killer,
if you don't have any plans for Saturday,
why don't you show up and
swing by, we're having a party?
B-Y-O pickax!
Now who's being sarcastic?
- Well what about you guys?
- What?
What about your cellphones?
Mine's at the office.
Ha, mine's in my purse.
Mine's in my purse.
Hey.
I don't see him.
(PLUCKY MUSIC)
God, goddamn black hole of a, aha!
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
Anybody?
Nothing.
Could he still be behind the garage?
Or maybe he's vanished.
Maybe he's a ghost back from the dead
to take revenge on the
human race that betrayed him
and let him be hung for a
murder he didn't commit.
Yo!
(ALL SCREAM)
What?
Don't do that!
What, I found my phone!
So call 911!
Oh no.
What's oh no?
It's dead.
Probably a bad choice of
words given the circumstances.
Where's your charger?
Addie, where's your charger?
I don't know.
CALEB: What do you mean you don't know?
I usually use the
computer to charge my phone.
The computer!
You know, the machine
with the screens and stuff.
Yes, the computer.
We can use it to contact the police!
Wesley, you're a genius!
I was valedictorian.
I thought you were a vegetarian.
Okay, it should charge fast enough.
I should be able to
get on the net faster.
Oh yeah, 'cause your way is
just so much better than mine.
It's not a competition!
My way is faster, though.
It's so quiet out there,
like the calm before the storm.
You're a real ray of sunshine.
- Shit.
- What?
- No internet connection.
- What?
They've been out here
twice already to fix this.
I know.
So we're trapped?
Trapped like a helpless animal
with its leg mangled
and bloody and broken...
We got it, Reena.
Okay, so what is the plan
now mister saves the day?
Ooh ooh, um, ooh um...
Yes, Link?
My cellphone's in my car.
I just have to go out and get it.
Out there?
Where the killer is?
Well, when you put it like that.
That's not a totally stupid idea.
Thank you!
What, are you kidding?
No, no, think about it.
If he's still out there
behind the garage doing
whatever it is he's doing...
- Oh my god!
- What?
He's ruining my red velvet cake!
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
(ALL SHRIEKING)
My cake.
Never mind your cake.
It took me hours!
Listen, all we have
to do is keep crazy man
in the backyard so Link can get to his car
and get his phone.
Okay, and how are we gonna do that?
I don't know, what am I supposed to
think of everything now?
Reena, what's he doing?
Licking his fingers.
I knew the frosting was good.
Now he's looking at the rest of the food.
Okay look, so if he is an escapee
he's probably starving,
so all we have to do is keep
him distracted by the food
so Link can get to his
car and get his phone.
Okay Link?
Uh okay.
Okay, Reena?
You and Addison keep an eye on crazy man,
let us know the minute he
starts for the house, okay?
Got it.
Oh my god, oh my god!
- What?
- What?
What?
I can't go.
I can't go!
Yes you can, you can do it.
No, no, no, no, I can't.
I'll die.
- No.
- No you won't.
We'll look after you.
Don't you see?
I'm wearing a red shirt.
(LINK SOBBING)
This isn't Star Wars.
- Star Trek.
- Whatever.
Uh no, not whatever.
Okay one is a TV series
and the other one is a cinematic trilogy.
Two trilogies.
One trilogy, and a few mistakes.
And Star Trek went on to
become a bunch of movies as well.
You're comparing cinematic trailblazing
with franchise exploitation.
Can we focus?
Killer outside, need help, need phone.
Need verbs.
- Lincoln.
- Huh?
You can do this.
We won't let anything bad
happen to you, promise.
Promise?
I promise.
- Okay I'll do it.
- My man.
Except...
Except what?
Well, I know I'm not the
brightest pencil in the box.
Bulb.
Huh?
Never mind.
Go on, man.
Well it's just that if he's distracted,
why don't we all run out the front door,
get in my car, and get out of here, huh?
(PLUCKY MUSIC)
Go, go hut hut hut
hut hut hut go go go go!
- Wait.
- What?
Should we bring anything?
To the cops?
You mean like doughnuts?
No idiots, I mean like
IDs, credit card, anything.
We could be killed any
minute, so let's just go!
Reena's right, we lose this window
we may never get another one.
Which car is yours?
Big black truck right outside.
Okay get your keys out, you'll go first.
Okay.
(PLUCKY MUSIC)
- Got 'em.
- Okay, on three
everybody run like hell.
One, two, three!
(ALL SCREAMING)
Next idea.
- Neighbors!
- Huh?
Well they must have heard the screaming!
Maybe they called the police.
Maybe they thought it
was football game cheering.
No, they could all be dead.
Huh?
Well he could've gotten to them first.
Well then we would've heard screaming.
Not if he caught them by surprise.
All of 'em?
We have neighbors on all sides, okay?
That would have been
impossibly coincidental.
Unless he used time travel,
or is from another dimension.
You watch way too much Star Wars!
ALL THREE: Star Trek!
Whatever!
Just because we haven't
figured something out
doesn't mean it's impossible.
Well, let's just try
to figure this out, okay?
Assuming we're dealing with
the laws of our own reality
which is sucking it up
as it is, by the way...
He's on the move again.
Which way?
Does it matter?
Well yes, if he's going
away from us across the street
to kill somebody else, it does matter.
We can get to safety.
Not exactly a win.
He's going around the right!
Why isn't he breaking in
through a window or something?
I don't know Wes, maybe
you should go outside
and give him some pointers.
I'm just saying!
Wes is right.
He could've gotten in here
by now if he wanted to.
So why hasn't he, what's he doing?
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
He's playing with us!
He's a cat and we're dead mice!
- Ew.
- Seriously.
Metaphor wimps.
Well what are we
gonna do, just sit here?
No, no, no, whether he's
coming in or going out
we're gonna be prepared.
Oh prepared, right.
Okay who here took a course on
advanced psycho escape plans?
Well we've got a whole
house full of stuff, right?
Grab anything that could be used
as a weapon or protection
and bring it here.
Like knives!
Knives are great.
Anything like that, bring it in here now.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Okay?
- Yeah.
Go!
(LINK GROANS)
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
Hairspray?
What are you gonna do, quaff him to death?
No, you spray it while
holding a flame in front of it.
It sprays fire.
Wow, that's good.
I'm a MacGyver girl.
So do we make a run for it or what?
Well, let's see if he's still there.
ADDISON: I don't see him.
Maybe he did go to a neighbor.
I hope it's the Petersons.
They drive a Hummer!
Oh yeah.
I'll go check out back.
Maybe he's eating again.
- Oh.
- What?
I hope he's not eating Melanie.
Ew!
Seriously!
(PLUCKY MUSIC)
Here crazy, crazy, crazy.
No crazy here.
(HAND THUDS)
(REENA SCREAMS)
What, what?
He, he, he...
Sounds like?
He's still there.
What the hell is he doing?
Dead mice, we're all dead mice!
She really needs to stop saying that.
Seriously.
Okay, we all need to think this through.
There's five of us, and only one of him.
So?
So, we outnumber him.
We should be able to
corral him into a corner,
or into the garage even.
Not the garage.
I just had it painted.
So when he goes nuts and
starts swinging that pickax
at all of us, do you
think that drapery rod
is gonna stop him,
and everything else we have
its half his size at least.
What about a diversion?
I don't think a board game's
gonna work for me right about now.
No I mean, what if we
all get his attention
except for Caleb, who
sneaks up from behind?
Well then you'll be close enough
to whack him upside the head
and you'll have the element of
surprise to get away with it.
That could work.
You're smart.
I'm limber too, but that's
not really relevant right now.
Okay, so you want all
of us to go out the back
and just hope that he
doesn't start swinging
before Caleb conks him on the head?
What is the potential
success rate of that?
Well if you've got a
better idea, we're all ears.
I say we go for Link's truck.
I say we go to the neighbor's.
I say we go to the den.
(INTENSE MUSIC)
(ALL SCREAMING)
(LINK WHIMPERS)
This is ridiculous!
I feel like a ping pong ball.
Why is he tormenting us?
It makes no sense!
Well psychos don't make sense.
That's what makes them psychos!
Okay, okay, we just need
to have a plan of attack
so we're not sitting here like lame ducks.
Dead mice.
ALL THREE: Shut up!
Wait, where's Link?
- Link?
- Link?
Link?
(EERIE MUSIC)
I got lost.
But I had a thought.
Did it hurt?
No.
What I thought was,
every time we come back
here, he comes back here.
If we go to the front, he
goes to the front, right?
Wow, Einstein's got nothing on you.
Huh?
Never mind, go on.
Okay, so if we just wait for
him to come back here again,
and when he does I go out to the truck,
get the cellphone.
If all you are still here,
maybe he'll never know I'm gone.
Okay, okay but I think someone
should go with you for backup.
I'll go.
Great, okay.
So you guys sneak in through the kitchen
into the front entry way, wait there.
But we need to have someone
in this room so he'll see,
so Reena, you stand guard
by this window all right?
Addie and I will take
opposite ends of the kitchen,
and that way when you see
him, you signal Addie.
Addie will signal me, and
I'll signal you guys, okay?
But not a sound, shh.
Shh.
All right, let's get into our positions.
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
- I hope this works.
- You and me both.
But if it doesn't,
if we're about to die...
What?
I guess it's now or never.
For what?
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
(ADDISON GASPS)
Uh.
I think he saw.
(GROWLS)
I think he's mad.
(CHOKING)
I think he's suicidal.
Go, you idiots!
- Go, go go!
- Go!
- The door!
- The door!
Got it!
Bitch slammed the door in my face!
Come on!
- He heard!
- We all heard!
But he's going around!
Caleb, he's going around!
Distract him!
Distract him?
Distract him with what?
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
Get in there, that's
my car, that's my car.
Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god.
Where's your phone?
Get your phone!
Um, the glove box.
Hey over here you crazy
psycho killer whack job!
With a pickax.
And a bad sense of humor.
(CALEB SCREAMS)
These are not my running shoes!
Come on, come on, come on, come on!
Oh, I chipped a nail.
(INTENSE MUSIC)
CALEB: Open the door, open the door!
Oh shit!
Open the door, open the door!
I heard you!
What do we do?
Uh.
Don't open the door,
don't open the door!
Open the door, don't open the door.
Make up your friggin' mind!
This guy's not gonna kill me.
I'm gonna die of a heart attack.
And I got a stain too.
(INTENSE MUSIC)
Addie!
Addie!
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
Oh my god!
(PSYCHO CHUCKLES)
(PSYCHO LAUGHS)
(METAL CLANGS)
(CALEB SIGHS)
Thank you.
Uh, sure.
- Oh my god, oh my god.
- Oh my god!
Oh my god, wow!
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
Oh my god, that was so amazing you guys!
Caleb, are you okay?
Yeah.
You were great.
You were so great.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Aww.
Aww.
Aww.
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
(BOTH SCREAM)
(ALL SCREAMING)
(INTENSE MUSIC)
Guys?
Guys!
Dinner!
I think he's dead.
CALEB: Oh yeah.
Yeah, that looks like dead.
So what do we do now?
Well we could just
drag his body over here
- to where Melanie, oh shit.
- What?
What?
- What?
- What, what?
LINK: What what what?
Where's Melanie?
Do you think he ate her?
Ew!
Seriously.
No, he (GAGS) he wouldn't
have time to eat her.
Okay you know what?
He wasn't quite dead, so
maybe she wasn't either.
Maybe she crawled to safety.
But wouldn't there be a trail of blood?
Maybe she was being tidy.
Maybe she spider crawled upside down
like Regan in "The Exorcist."
No, no maybe we should
just call the cops.
Oh yeah, I got my cellphone.
WESLEY: Link.
Huh?
It's in your pocket.
Oh yeah.
(PLUCKY MUSIC)
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
Got it.
I mean what are you
gonna tell the police, huh?
You all did just brutally murder someone.
Ah no, no, no, no, no,
that was self-defense.
Hm, mostly.
- No signal.
- What?
No signal.
Oh Jesus Christ, again?
This always happens!
Addie, calm down.
No, I will not calm down!
You know this is my pet peeve.
This is just a plot for cellphone services
to make us spend more money!
But Addie...
No don't you but Addie me, okay?
I can understand how no one can manage
peace in the Middle East,
or fix global warming,
but basic internet?
Basic cellphone service?
Addie!
No!
I want answers!
I wanna know how we can talk
to men on the goddamn moon,
but we can't get a signal
from a cellphone tower two blocks away?
Have you ever considered
anger management?
I don't need anger management!
I need the world to stop pissing me off!
(ADDISON SOBBING)
Guess I should go talk to her.
I guess I'll go see if
Addie's cellphone is charged.
Maybe she can get service.
I guess I'll see if
the internet's working.
(PLUCKY MUSIC)
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
CALEB: Honey.
I'm sorry.
It's okay.
I know you've been
under a lot of pressure.
Tell me.
Well I know you pretty well,
and I know you've been
carrying something around.
You have no idea how right you are.
(PLUCKY MUSIC)
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
No go.
Nothing here.
- That's wonderful!
- Are you sure?
Of course I'm sure!
I'm not too much of a handful as it is?
No way, I'll prove it to you.
Addison Lundsky,
will you marry me?
(ADDISON GASPS)
What is it?
(DOORBELL RINGS)
Fuck off, we're getting engaged!
(BOTH GIGGLE)
(DOORBELL RINGS)
Who could that be?
What am I, psychic?
BOTH: Bitchy.
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
REENA: What the?
Tadah!
It's alive!
Don't let it get me.
You're alive?
Don't look so disappointed!
Have you all been having fun?
Fun?
What are you talking about?
You were killed, by a psycho killer!
Oh Randy.
You know the psycho killer?
Kind of makes sense.
He's an actor friend.
He belongs to this group
that does these crazy pranks,
like the unexpected psycho killer.
Neat party game, right?
Did you spill punch?
Guess who just got engaged?
Melanie?
Melanie got engaged?
You're alive?
Not for long.
Oh get a sense of humor.
Wait, wait, wait, wait,
what's going on here?
She punked us!
What?
The psycho killer?
Randy.
He's an actor friend of hers
that she hired for an
elaborate party game.
(LAUGHS CRAZILY)
Isn't that funny?
Oh.
My.
God.
Why are you all acting so weird?
You were never in any real danger.
And now that you know the truth,
you should be laughing and having fun!
What's wrong with you?
What's wrong with us?
I'm gonna kill her.
Oh, no more killing.
No, no, I've got a better idea.
Why don't we just show
Melanie what's wrong with us,
aside from the fact
that she has officially
overshadowed our engagement announcement!
Are you sure?
Yeah, I'm pretty sure
returning from the dead
trumps a wedding announcement.
No, I mean are you
sure we should show her?
Oh.
Do we have a choice?
(BELL TOLLS)
Show me what?
(MELANIE SCREAMS)
Oh my god!
Oh how did this happen?
Who did this?
Well we all kind of helped.
Are you all crazy?
You just killed a perfectly good actor!
Well, a reasonably good one.
His Macbeth was a little weak.
But still, you can't go
around killing people!
How could we possibly know
that he was just acting?
We didn't sign up for a Halloween night
at Spookytown or anything.
You pranked us.
Punked.
Whatever!
This has gotta be
illegal, or it oughta be.
You are crazy for thinking
this was a good idea.
Oh I'm crazy?
I faked my death.
You all actually committed murder!
It was self-defense!
Mostly.
Fine, I'm calling the police.
Oh yeah?
Okay, well good luck with that okay?
We don't have cellphone service.
Mm-mm.
And you know what?
I'm actually suddenly okay with that.
Oh fine!
I'll drive to the station.
Do we let her go?
Or what?
I'm getting the hairspray.
(BELL TOLLS)
Melanie wait!
Wait for what, for you
to explain some more?
Or do you want to kill me too?
Well.
Can we please just,
let's just think about this for a minute.
Oh sure, now.
Now you want to think about it.
Why didn't you think about it
before you turned Randy's head into pate?
Vivid.
If you'd thought about it then,
this all could have been avoided.
I mean, how likely is an
escaped psycho killer?
There are no loony bins around here.
Where could he have come from?
He could've been crazy all along
and just suddenly cracked,
like the guy in "Maniac."
Yeah, or stolen a car and escaped
like the guy in "Halloween."
You like horror too?
Yeah, in the movies!
Well this is not a movie!
This is reality!
And escaped psycho killers
from out of nowhere
hellbent on killing a specific
bunch of innocent people
is about as real as a
spontaneously generating
zombie apocalypse!
(ZOMBIE ROARS)
(ALL SCREAMING)
(ZOMBIE SNARLING)
That's nice, Melanie, really nice.
You're really gonna
try to punk us again?
Yeah fool me once, shame on me.
Fool me twice...
No fool me once, shame on you.
That's what I just said.
Anyway, get out of our place,
and take Melanie with you.
She ruined the party.
Yeah, you ruined the party.
Yeah, and if that fake
blood stains my floor,
then you're paying for it missy.
(ZOMBIE GROWLS)
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
Okay, five points for
staying in character.
And bonus points for the makeup effects.
Those are really good.
Yeah.
(ZOMBIE SNARLS)
Get your zombie ass out of my house.
(ZOMBIE ROARS)
I said get your ass out of my house!
(BELL TOLLS)
I'm sick of this shit!
All right, show's over Melanie, get up.
Yeah, and your fake blood really stinks.
(SNIFFS)
- (CAN RATTLES)
- What the hell?
CALEB: Honey?
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
Oh my god.
- Oh.
- My.
REENA: God!
(ZOMBIES GROANING)
How many actors does Melanie know?
It's like a whole theater
company or something.
Wait a minute, that's the Petersons.
And the McDougals.
Well no wonder none of
the neighbors responded.
They're all in on it.
(PLUCKY MUSIC)
(GRILL SIZZLES)
(EERIE MUSIC)
Uh-oh.
(ZOMBIES GROANING)
(PLUCKY MUSIC)
Oh no.
(REENA WHISTLES)
Joke's over, folks!
Go play Halloween dress
up day somewhere else!
(ZOMBIES GROANING)
Oh no you don't!
(EERIE MUSIC)
Guys!
What is it?
Yeah, you look like you've seen a ghost.
Spit it out!
Melanie's dead.
Again.
Yeah, we know.
No, I mean really dead.
Really dead?
Really dead?
Really, really dead?
Really, really, really dead.
Move it!
But if she's really dead,
then those people out there are...
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
This is not your cake,
this is not your party!
(ZOMBIE GROWLS)
(REENA GROWLS)
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
Ha!
Now you all just have to
find something else to eat.
(ZOMBIES GROANING)
(JAW CLACKING)
(REENA SCREAMS)
(INTENSE ROCK MUSIC)
(ALL SCREAMING)
(ZOMBIE HISSES)
(SNAPS FINGERS)
(ZOMBIE GROANS)
(ZOMBIE GROANS)
(ZOMBIES GROANING)
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
Woohoo!
(ALL CHEERING)
(TRIUMPHANT MUSIC)
REENA: Yay!
REPORTER: With the last
of the zombies terminated
only a few weeks ago, the
city returns to normal.
Neither local nor federal officials
have been able to determine
the cause of the outbreak.
Mayor Jones said quote, "Since
it didn't follow any rules
"of any zombie movie ever made,
"as far as finding a cause,
"we're pretty much
(BLEEP) up the (BLEEP)."
Congratulations again, man.
Why thank you, yeah we're
pretty excited you know?
A wedding and a baby just months apart.
You're a lucky guy.
Well, so are you apparently.
Huh?
Wesley.
Oh yeah.
Who knew?
Yeah, I mean didn't you?
Nope, I didn't even know he was gay.
Helen Keller would know Wesley was gay,
but I'm talking about you.
Oh.
Nope, kind of a surprise.
Really?
Guys like me don't get much action.
I was lucky to get bad
head every couple of years.
Wes gives great head.
Okay.
And he cooks!
What more does a guy want?
Pussy?
Not so much.
Good food, good head, I'm a happy camper.
You ready to go babe?
LINK: You bet, sweetie.
And I will see you at next week's game.
Damn straight.
Figure of speech!
- Bye.
- See you at the game.
See you later.
- Addie.
- Bye.
- Bye, sweetie.
- Thank you.
- No we got it.
- Okay.
They are such a cute couple!
So are we.
- No we're not.
- What?
We're a cute threesome.
We are, yes we are a cute threesome.
Let's clean up.
Okay.
Hey, did I tell you that
I got a postcard from Reena?
Oh really, how's the
singles cruise going?
Great, she said she met a man
and he's not gay or undead.
See, I told you she
had to get out of LA.
Mhmm, you know I think all that blood
actually was good for the grass.
It's never looked greener.
Hm.
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
(SOIL RUMBLING)
(WORMS SQUELCHING)
(WORM ROARS)
(BELL TOLLS)
(INTENSE MUSIC)
♪ Here we go ♪
♪ Whoa ♪
♪ Dinner party ♪
MELANIE: About as real
as a spontaneously generated
zombie apocalypse!
(ZOMBIE GROANING)
- Hold, hold!
- Camera's like.
(GIGGLING)
- Hold!
- I'm holding her.
I'm holding her.
Hold.
I'm so sorry, I'll get it, okay.
I was laughing.
She's giggly.
- Here we go.
- This is a funny scene.
It's a really funny scene, I'm sorry.
I'll get it together.
Where from, Jeff?
(ADDISON SIGHS)
CREW: Right there from the line
on action, the zombie attacks.
Okay.
Scream, everybody.
CREW: That's at the
top of the stingers.
(ADDISON GIGGLES)
- Wait is this the...
- He's gonna just attack.
- Yeah.
- Oh.
- I'm sorry.
- And we're gonna react.
(INTENSE MUSIC)
♪ Whoa dinner party ♪
- I'll go.
- Okay, good.
So, we need one person in here.
(LAUGHS)
(ALL GIGGLING)
- I can't.
- Damn it!
Help, somebody help.
(ROCK MUSIC)
♪ Getting funky ♪
CREW: Your eyeline for...
LINK: Oh I'm not
looking at them at all.
- Oh okay.
- I'm in my own idiot world.
CREW: Okay, cool.
LINK: Oh you mean at
the end, yeah yeah yeah.
- Yeah.
- Right right.
CREW: All right, camera set.
Here we go, and action.
(LINK GRUNTING)
LINK: Okay, I can't get that off.
(LAUGHING)
♪ Whenever ♪
♪ Wanna go to a garden party ♪
Yeah, between her
outfit and her fruitcake
I wasn't sure if it was
Halloween or Christmas.
That's reversed, sorry.
CREW: All right, reset right away.
That was backwards.
At least I matched it.
♪ Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah ♪
♪ Wanna go to a garden party with me ♪
CREW: Action.
(REENA WHIMPERING)
- Ew, ugh, oh god.
- Okay.
That's gotta be enough of that, yeah?
♪ Come along ♪
♪ To a garden party ♪
♪ With me ♪
Oh my god!
Who did this?
I'm sorry I rapped.
That's okay.
We got a giant plane anyway.
♪ Killer party yeah ♪
♪ Where's my drink ♪
- Before you...
- You, I would like you
to raise it before, but
since we're not even
saying the lines it
kind of doesn't matter,
but yeah the idea is you come out,
he says, "Don't open the
door, don't open the door,"
you raise it up, and he starts running...
So after the door line, okay.
♪ Killer party yeah ♪
♪ Where's my drink ♪
♪ Pop that gate yeah ♪
♪ Got finger food ♪
♪ Wanna go to a garden party with me ♪
♪ Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah ♪
♪ Wanna go to a garden party with me ♪
♪ Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah ♪
(RECORD SCRATCHES)
Ooh, I'm hungry.
CALEB: Nuts.
Can't.
Part of the props, in the kitchen.
They go back in the bowl.
They go back in the cup on the kitchen.
CALEB: I've been eatin' 'em.
You've been eating them?
You're fired.
♪ Do you wanna go to a
garden party with me ♪
♪ Nobody else ♪
♪ Nobody else but me ♪
♪ Ah ha ha ha ♪
♪ Wanna go to a garden party with me ♪
♪ Wanna go to a garden party with me ♪
♪ Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah ♪
♪ Wanna go to a garden party with me ♪
♪ Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah ♪
♪ With me ♪
♪ Wanna go to a garden party ♪
♪ With nobody else ♪
♪ Cue the party ♪