Gangsters, Guns & Zombies (2012) - full transcript
The whole "zombie thing" has been hyped up so much that everyone thinks it's the end of the world! Of course, where one man sees the dead rising from the grave, another sees opportunity. Q had a plan: drive the robbery getaway van, deliver everyone to the safe house and get paid - a nice, simple, plan. Unfortunately, life is never really that simple, and to top it all off, this is the first time Q has been a getaway driver. He's coping pretty well though, considering; TONY (the guy who is 'in charge' of the job) is a murderous nut case, DANNY was shot and is now bleeding all over the money in the back of the van, the Sat-Nav has a mind of its own, there's a guy in the back living up to his name "CRAZY STEVE", the safe-house already has police at it, and this whole "zombie thing" seems to be quickly becoming more of a "zombie apocalypse thing". Luckily, TONY knows of another Safe House on the coast. Not so luckily, DANNY dies of natural-ish causes and then rises from the grave. Q and the others have to deal with a recently zombie-fied medieval re-enactment group, a football team that seem hell bent on eating their brains and the van running out of fuel. In their search for refuge and some diesel, TONY spots - of all things - a fortified windmill and the group awkwardly team up with a lovely young woman called CASSIE and her insane, but well armed GRANDMA. As TONY descends into deeper and deeper psychosis, he forces a last stand against a zombie horde, dies horribly and takes GRANDMA with him. Not bad for a night's work. Some men are born into shit-storms, some achieve shit-storms, and some have shit-storms thrust upon them. Q is up to his neck in this one and must now take charge of the group in order to save his own skin - not to mention the much more attractive skin of CASSIE. Finally reaching the coast, the new group must figure out a way off this crazy island - lack of sailing know-how and the walking dead notwithstanding. Just when things couldn't get any worse, one of them suffers an accident and lands Q with a dilemma. In the one hand he holds his own life and in the other the lives of the group. Who does he choose?
I'll tell you what,
bank robberies are not as cool
as they look in the movies.
Some idiot once said
you can tell a lot about a person
by how they react in a crisis.
That's me. Hiya.
Sorry.
- Hang on, Danny.
- Could be a lot worse, mate.
That's Tony.
This is - or was - his job.
Should've been simple for a pro like him.
Danny, he's Tony's best mate's son
and like me, this is his first job.
It was all going well until he got shot.
That's the spirit.
For fucks sake!
- You fucking blind?
- She just came straight out!
Sorry, guys.
Q...
if you'd be fucking kind enough
to get us to the safe house
in one fucking piece,
I think we'll all be extremely grateful.
Does that work with you?
Pat, how's Danny doing?
Danny, how are you doing there, mate?
Pat. He...
well, he seems to be bank-robbery
middle management or something.
Danny, think you can make it
to the safe house?
Danny?
- Um...
- Jesus Christ!
Muscles.
Who could dare say that the criminal
element of this fine country
has no imagination?
Unless there's a fucking surgeon
at the safe house,
he needs a hospital, sharpest.
I think we should get him
to the hospital, Tony.
Oh! I'm okay.
Oh, Danny, if we don't get you
to a hospital soon,
you are gonna bleed out
all over the van, the money...
and all over his new shoes.
Oi, fuck off, you.
These are new. Now fuck off!
Hey, Ton, I'm gonna need reimbursing
for me shoes
if I get blood all over 'em, mate.
All right? I've got a receipt.
This guy is actually nuts.
There's no way anyone else
could get away
with the stuff this guy does
around Tony.
Ladies and gentlemen,
I give you... Crazy Steve.
And I'm not fucking joking!
Right. Pat, move the fucking money!
Q, find me a hospital
on that box of yours.
Steve, shut up. I'll buy you
a new pair of fucking shoes.
And Danny, please, hold on, mate.
Q, put your foot down,
'cause if he dies,
I'm taking the funeral expenses out of-
What the fu...?
Shhh!
Oh, fucking love it.
What? Wh-what?
- No way that's for us.
- Nah, that's coming for us.
Shut up!
Nah, it's not for us.
They've got bigger fish to fry.
Shit!
Q?
Fuck this.
Can we go now?
- Please let me in!
- Please, go on, let me in!
- Sorry, love, can't help you.
- I've got money!
- I've got money!
- Yeah, yeah, so have we. Now piss off.
What else you got there in there,
sweetheart?
Help me!
- Steve?
- Yes... Tony?
What do you think you're doing?
Helpin'.
What about your shoes?
Ah, fuck! You cunt.
Steve, get back in the van, mate.
Bobbit...
You keep that fucking blood
away from Danny.
Alright, alright.
Christ knows how I managed
to get myself into these things.
- horribly overrun.
- Each day, more and more casualties...
Come on, you bastards, come on.
We have been assured
that these unrelated incidents
have got nothing to do with
what people have been calling zomb...
Y'know, mate,
you can tell a lot about a person
by the way they react to a crisis.
I may just have the perfect job for you.
- Alright, come on.
- C'mon, c'mon, c'mon.
Come on!
Go, go!
Q, keep the fucking engine running,
stay inside the van!
Yeah, not going to be a problem, mate.
Piece of shit.
Work.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Q, open the fucking van!
Come on, get in, get in.
Get in the fucking van!
Stop fucking about!
Get in the fucking van!
In the van!
Fuck!
Fucking mug.
So what's the Q stand for?
Quick, I reckon.
How long?
Uh, not far now.
About five minutes.
What, the box says five minutes?
No, yeah, four minutes, 55 seconds now,
but...
Not long now, Danny.
Hold on, fella, hold on.
- I swiped these for ya, for Danny.
- For Danny.
Mate, you fucked those things up
proper.
Fuck...
Here you are, mate.
When there's no more room in hell?
This is ridiculous.
These are people.
- They're not monsters.
- "The dead will walk the earth."
Now come on, Reverend,
this is a direct quote.
I know where the quote is from,
thank you very much.
Bu! This is a man-made problem.
Man-made!
You can't prove anything.
And that is the problem, isn't it,
Reverend?
The first reports came in
from all over the country
and no one can say for certain.
Yeah, did we miss the spans?
I wanted to know what happened
with the football.
Probably dead on their feet.
That's fucking awful.
I don't get it.
Yes, but once again,
the most important thing
is to stay out of sight and sound.
Anyone with disease must be
quarantined properly or,
at the very least, avoided at all costs.
We're almost there.
- Get Danny ready to move.
- Get the cash put away.
I want to torch this piece-of-shit van
as soon as possible.
Oh, no.
Police, police, police!
Keep moving. Okay?
What the fuck?
You'll be alright, mate, you're alright.
I'll tell you what, chaps,
someone's grassed us up here.
Those pigs weren't here for nothing.
Don't talk crazy.
Do you think they were waiting for us?
Look, I'm no expert but, there's a lot
of mental shit going on right now
and they could've been there
for anything.
Oh, yeah, you would say that,
wouldn't you?
Fucking work experience.
What the fucks that supposed to mean?
Oh, c'mon, mate,
you know what I'm talking about.
None of us even know ya.
None of us have even worked with ya.
None of us.
Don't know why the pigs were there
and we probably never will,
so shut up, the pair of you.
Yeah, bit of a coincidence,
if you ask me.
I mean, I'm just sayin'.
Bitch!
Fucking...
There's another safe house.
A second safe house?
You never mentioned.
Well, thank Christ for that.
Only a few people know about it.
It's a fallback.
It's in case something goes wrong,
y'know, in case something bad happens?
Yeah, I think this counts.
- I fucking knew it.
- This geezer's always got something.
- It's quite a way away.
- It's by the coast.
I reckon we'd be there
by late morning, early afternoon.
Uh, just give me the address
and I can, uh...
- Don't worry, I've got it all up here.
- I've got it all up here.
- Yeah, but I'm just...
- Do you just go fucking deaf'?
Just get us to the motorway.
Will do.
I don't mean to complicate things,
but if we go past another hospital...
You out of your fucking mind?
I don't think Danny's gonna be
feeling tight in the morning,
or the afternoon.
Oh, Patrick, keep the pressure
on the wound and it'll be fine.
How about I keep pressure on your face?
I... I'll make it.
It'll be fucking great.
That's right, mate, you're gonna be fine.
Motorway. Now.
The radio broken?
Well, did we find out the scores, or what?
He's a cunt, him.
And something
about this super-aggressive strain
makes them literally unstoppable
unless you remove the head.
Yes, this is an interesting point
you raise,
because it's been said
that the main reason
we're facing such a pandemic
is due to NHS underfunding...
Well, no, that's not the point
I was making.
But, yes, there's been a great deal
of trying to assign blame
in the last week or so.
But the fact remains that
if we can't educate people right now
that this event could well be
the catalyst for future...
{just have to stop you there.
We're getting reports that the building
has been... Uh, wait, let's see.
Okay, we'll keep broadcasting
for as long as possible.
Nothing's going to...
Well, that's gonna slow us down.
We'll make it right there, fella.
Be alright, mate.
Mate... where is everyone?
There ain't been another car
in the past three hours.
That's why I fucking hate
the countryside.
We could fucking die out here
and no one would even know.
Yeah, or you could strangle someone,
dump the body
and he'll probably never be found.
God, now we're talking.
You could easily do that.
We just need to get to the coast, is all.
Number eight.
First aid is of the utmost importance.
Minor injuries can quickly become...
What the fucks all that about?
- What? No scores, nah?
- There's nothing else playing.
Sounds like some kind of emergency
broadcast or something.
Sounds old.
If you're forced to engage
in combat...
failing this, large blunt objects
like a cricket bat...
Y'know, there may be a quicker way
if you just tell me the area.
Calm down, Q. You'll get your fair share
when we get to the coast.
Nah, I didn't mean that.
Oh, fuck.
- I know exactly what you mean.
- Uh, guys?
Look, I'm just trying to be helpful here,
alright?
- Tony!
- What'?
Danny's... dead.
Oh, fuckin' hell!
Fuck!
Shit.
Pat, is there something we can do?
- Like what?
- Call the fucking ambulance?
I dunno what to do.
Oh, shit.
It's not your fault.
- Yeah, I know.
- Mate, that's fucked up.
It's no SHE'S fault.
I'll tell you what, why don't we just
chuck him out the back of the van, eh?
- Fuck no!
- What is wrong with you?
- We can't keep him here, can we?
- Yes, we fucking can!
Danny was my best mate's son.
And I'm not seeing him thrown out
the back of a fuckin' van!
Fit and healthy body
is the best way to maintain high spirits
and keep boredom at bay.
Shit's fucked up, mate.
First aid is
of the utmost importance.
Minor injuries can cause...
Okay, we stick to the plan.
Get to the safe house,
from this god-awful countryside.
And be sure to dispose
of all waste quickly and safely.
Yeah. Danny would've thought
that was a good idea.
Yeah, I reckon he would have.
Shit, at least there's no rush, I suppose.
Always get the job done.
Number 10." Do not give up.
Help is on its way
and will be with you soon.
The great British spirit has seen
this nation through dark times before
and will do so again.
Above all else, don't lose heart.
I know he's your mate and all,
but seriously, Tony.
Ugh!
There's something leaking out of him!
Is that... piss?
Yeah, that's normal, mate.
What? How the fuck is that normal?!
How the fuck is any of this normal?
For fucks sake, right,
but we're gonna have to do something.
But I will shoot anyone who says
chuck him out of the fucking van!
We should bury him.
Y'know...
it'd be nice.
I don't think...
Good idea.
Danny always did like a burial.
- No, what, Tony?
- You can't be serious, mate.
Yeah...
he always did like
the countryside.
Seriously?
Yeah, Hold you.
He always did like the countryside.
No, I mean...
Don't listen to any of these monsters,
Tony.
We'll give him a proper burial, mate.
You fucking retarded?
Tony, this is not a good idea, mate.
Danny obviously meant a lot
to all of us.
No, Danny was my best mate's son!
He is dead! We are gonna bury him!
Or he stays in the van until
we get to the fucking safe house!
Yeah, fuckin' right.
Shut up, you mentalist.
Tone... look, I understand.
But let's just think about this
for a second, okay?
Okay.
We're safe because we're inside
the van and we're moving.
Y'know, the last thing we wanna do
as armed robbers,
is go traipsing into the woods
with a dead body.
Not just because
we're the ones that got him shot,
because this whole zombie problem.
I mean, fuck, isn't that just the most
insane thing we could do right now?
I don't know about anybody else,
but there is no way I'm doing that.
Hold it, hold it, hold ii.
Over here. Over here.
Look, he'd have loved that.
Come.
Heavier than he looks, isn't he?
- This is fucking perfect.
- Yeah, lovely.
What we need to do
is do a little shallow grave there.
It'll be just like the old days.
Fill it in, then.
Shouldn't we, like...
close his mouth or something?
It doesn't seem right to, you know...
You know, what?
I dunno, like,
he'd get dirt in his mouth.
Yeah, he's right.
For fucks sake.
Come on, boy, but your back into it.
Piss off, you!
It's... fucking jammed open
or something.
- Yeah, like your mum.
- Fuck off, you!
Just turn him over and get outta there.
I don't really know what to say.
I've known Danny all his life,
ever since he was little runt.
Growing up nicking mopeds
and doing old ladies and stuff like that.
He's more like a son to me.
I promised his dad I'd look after him.
And even though he's a little fuckup
and couldn't shoot a gun straight,
nine times out of 10, he'd, y'know,
he was more trouble than he was worth.
He's always been my responsibility.
And now he's here.
But he's in the countryside
that he loved so much.
So may he rest in peace.
If anyone would like to say anything...
Amen.
Yeah, amen. Amen.
What?
Ah...
- Wait.
- Yeah.
Anyone got a can opener?
Must be one of them
re-enactment groups.
Shut up.
Meaty sandwiches.
Or his meat. Go on, my son.
Look at the speed on
that fat tin-can cunt!
- Oh, shit.
- Do you think he heard me?
Yes, you fucking spanner.
Guys...
I thought fat people were supposed
to be jolly.
Right.
Whoa! Ah!
What the...
what the fuck?!
Danny boy?
I fucking told you.
Fuck this!
Ah!
It's for us, Danny. I'm sorry.
I can't.
Tony?
Oh, shit.
Ladies!
Get it the fuck off me!
Fuck... off.
Fuck.
Get him off me!
We're coming in, you tin-can cunts!
C'mere.
God, that was fucking brilliant.
Do you think they'd call
out of a car in a gas mask?
No, probably not, or they'd have come
back after us and all.
Yeah, but I reckon all that armour
was slowing them down a bit.
As long as they didn't run
into a fucking tree or something.
It's a little like the sea
when you're running in a gas mask.
I mean, I'm just sayin'.
I'm sure he was fine.
He looked like military.
Maybe a Tl centre nearby or something.
Yeah, maybe.
So can the box find somewhere?
Probably.
He was alright when he was just
on manoeuvres,
but they probably fucked him over
when the whole Gulf War thing started.
Gents, we're gonna make a stop
for some fuel in a minute.
Oh, brilliant, I'm starving.
Mm... and I could really do
with a piss, mate.
Why'd Danny come back, then?
I dunno, mate.
Maybe he got some blood in him
when he was in the back.
Didn't they say on the news
that it wasn't just the biting,
- but something about the blood?
- Nah, I was right there.
- Nothing touched him.
- Yeah.
And before you start blaming me,
my shoes were nowhere near him, mate.
Yeah, he's right.
He was dead,
we buried him and he came back.
Number three."
try to get to higher ground.
- A loft is preferable.
- Na spans'?
Anywhere that is
above the ground floor.
Remember to barricade or even...
Jesus, there's absolutely nothing.
Maybe it's broke.
Stockpile as much water
as you can. Fill up baths, sinks
and as many bottles
and saucepans as possible.
Thirst can quickly become a killer,
so ration your water.
Number five...
Fucking useless piece of...
Has anyone got a mobile that works?
Preferably with Internet access?
- Any air-sealed goods.
- Ration your foods...
Nothing.
You can get Internet on a phone?
Not today, we can't.
Cheers. How about you, then?
I can't even send a text, mate.
And that's when it ain't the end of
the world, do you know what I mean?
Hang on.
Number seven, exercise regularly.
A good and healthy body is the best way
to maintain high spirits...
No.
Number eight, first aid is
of the utmost importance.
Minor injuries can quickly become
life threatening
if the current sanitary procedures
are no! Followed.
'Clean your hands regularly'
'and be sure to dispose of all waste'
as quickly and safely...
Maybe it's one of those no-signal things.
No, I tried it before when we
were waiting outside the hospital.
I couldn't get anything then either.
Look, who gives a shit?
We follow the box to the garage,
we get some fuel and we sort it.
What?
You bastard.
What?!
Now I need a fucking piss.
You've got to be fucking joking.
That box of yours'
having a fucking laugh, innit?
It must need a software update
or something.
Well, it looks like
we ain't getting any cappuccinos.
Have a look out the back, there might
be some booze or something.
You never know.
Yeah, on the plus side,
it's pretty old and out of the way, innit?
There's no bloody diesel in there,
Tone.
This gaffs empty.
- We'll take a piss.
- Keep your fucking eyes peeled, then.
- You alright?
- Yeah, I'm sweet.
Just about to burst, that's all.
I'm gonna go find the bog.
Just go in a bush.
I'm not some fucking animal,
thank you very much.
About a quarter of a tank.
That'll do for now.
You, go find Crazy Steve and make
sure the little fucker stays quiet.
Q, you ever stolen petrol before?
Nah, but I stole a pair of Diesel jeans
once.
- Ha-ha-ha, quite smart.
- Let's go find a fucking hose.
We'll need something to siphon it in,
though.
Good idea. Listen, go dig something up
and I'll try to get into this
without the keys.
Steve?
You in here, mate?
Shhh. Can you puke quietly?
- Well done, mate.
- Uh... Yeah.
Cheers.
HE'S gone!
What, you killed Crazy Steve?
'Course I didn't fucking kill him.
- There's blood all over the shitter.
- Oh, Jesus.
He's dead on a fucking shitter?
No, look, no, he's not even
on the shitter. He's not there.
There's blood all over the place.
Pat?
Shining, fucking bug's sake.
We should run.
Fuck.
Hold it out!
- Where the fuck's he going?
- He's gonna get the diesel, isn't he?
Shit. He's never going to make it.
Well,
drive the van or something.
I can't! That sopping aunt's
got the keys, ain't he?!
- Puck's sake...
- Fuck off!
These are new... fucking... shoes!
Jesus Christ.
I'm sorry about your shoes.
- This is bollocks.
- We gotta do something.
- Yeah.
- Like what, then?
Fuck off, you... fucking... fucks!
- Feel better?
- Yeah, a bit. Yeah.
What... were...
the scores?!
You... fuck.
- Jesus Christ!
- You alright?
- Yeah, yeah.
- Uh, Steve saved me.
He's turned into some, like,
half-zombie... shit.
- Oh, God, can't we...
- No, no, we can't.
Look, look, he sacrificed himself
so we could get the fuck out of here,
alright?
Fuck. Just go.
Well... it's official.
We're in the middle of fucking nowhere.
You smell diesel?
Mm.
Yeah, that's me.
Look.
Look, look there! Slow down.
Look, there!
There, you silly bastard.
You ever stolen a car?
No.
Shit. Right...
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Easy, Grandma, easy.
Didn't mean to scare ya.
Oh, really, fuckface,
do I look scared to you?
Calm down. It's not the first time
I've had a gun pointed at me.
Oh, maybe so,
but it could be the last time
anyone shoots your balls off!
Whoa.
Ah, that's better.
Now you, short ass,
and you, fat ass...
and you, black ass,
can all get back in that shitmobile
with fuckface here and piss off.
Go rob a post office or something.
- We'd love to.
- We've run out of fuel.
We only just made it here.
Then go rob a sodding petrol station.
I understand how this looks.
But we're not here to rob anyone.
- We just saw the car and...
- What'?
Thought you'd get a closer look?
Mm! I'm not getting any younger,
you know.
I might just shoot
the lot of you anyway.
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
easy, easy, alright?
Look... you're not gonna shoot anyone.
Oh, really?
Yeah, 'cause if you do,
you'll attract every member
of the undead in a 10-mile radius.
I know you don't want that.
Look, you even took the wind chimes
down from your front door.
Okay, look, maybe you can tell us
somewhere nearby
where we can get some fuel,
or another car or something.
We understand if we startled you,
out here, all alone.
What makes you think she's alone?
- Hi.
- Hi.
Don't fucking move unless I say so.
Yeah, you got it.
Cassie, dear, if he even twitches,
you shoot his black ass.
Nana! Oh my God,
you can't say stuff like that!
Why not?
- It's okay.
- It's not really. I'm sorry.
She's, you know...
- A racist?
- No, she's not a racist.
- I bloody well am.
- So what of it?
Nana!
What's the pillow for?
- Really, it's okay.
- Let's just stay cool.
- Oh...
- Sorry.
Yeah, it's fine. Don't worry.
Ah...
Is that even gonna work?
No.
Yes, it will.
No, just covers everything in feathers.
Wouldn't it son of muffle it?
Um... listen...
Cassie.
- Cassie, yeah. Hi, I'm Q.
- Q?
Yeah, Q.
Um, look,
if I promise not to twitch,
could you...
lower the whole pillow/gun thing?
Maybe.
You know you smell like diesel?
Get inside! Get inside!
Everyone inside! Go, go, go!
And when severing the head,
always warm up first.
Try stretching your arms
and back gently.
Avoiding injury is paramount.
- They still out there?
- Yeah.
There's a few more of them now.
Do they tend to wander off?
They do get bored
if you're quiet enough for long enough.
They son of get distracted
if you don't make any noise.
You may find this task
difficult to complete
if you are feeling emotional.
But remember,
if it is a close friend
or family member...
don't look them in the eyes.
Quarantine procedures have come
into effect nationally,
'but you may still have to secure'
and quarantine members
of your local community,
should they become infected.
"Now for the last question."
What are the symptoms of those infected?
'You may notice high-grade fever'
in anyone who has the disease...
. or the early onset of the disease.
This soon becomes an insatiable
and ravenous hunger for flesh.
Sorry about the whole... gun thing.
Ah, don't worry about it.
It's been one of those weeks.
Yeah, I bet.
Nana's always been the real gun expert.
Where I grew up,
every idiot talked about havin' a gun.
It was only the people
you didn't wanna meet actually had 'em.
Hmm. Like Tony.
Yeah, I don't know.
I've known worse.
Does it freak you out?
- What'?
- How normal this whole thing feels.
Oh, Christ, yes.
Remember, the disease is spread
through a bite from an infected person.
Bu! Avoid blood and brain matter
in particular.
If you are cut...
clean and cover the wound
as soon as possible.
It you are bitten,
do not hide the wound.
Please seek help immediately.
Do not attempt to fight.
If you are confronted,
evacuate safely.
If you are forced to fight...
then your best chance
is to destroy the brain.
And remember the four rules...
Oh, my God!
It's like we were all just
waitin' for something like this to happen.
I suppose.
I think I know what you mean.
It's like all the news and stuff is...
I dunno, it's...
. made us all... numb.
- Yeah, I know.
- We've been desensitized.
Ah... Yeah.
So what's the last thing
you heard about all this?
Well, nothing really changed
is what people are saying.
You know, there's a virus,
don't get blood on you, blah-blah-blah.
Okay. Hum...
So...
do you ever hear about people...
coming back?
- What, like after they've...
- Died, yeah, after they died'?
Y'know, they... haven't been bitten,
no zombie contact of any kind.
They just died... normally
and, uh, they came back.
- That's weird.
- Never heard of anything like that.
Why'?
Ahem!
Lovely tea.
- Yeah, it's very nice of you.
- One night and you're gone tomorrow.
Don't wanna impose,
but you've been really nice.
Well, we've hardly enough food
for the two of us.
- Yeah, don't worry.
- We'll be out of your hair by tomorrow.
Okay. Good.
You probably should've got some sleep
while you had the chance.
I seldom sleep.
Pat, would you be a dear and go
and tell the others
it's time to swap watch?
Do you ever watch Ghostbusters?
Uh, yeah, actually, I did.
Right, there's a bit
where it's the end of the world,
and there are way too many ghosts
than they can handle,
and the two of them are in the car.
- Ray and Winston.
- Yeah, Ray and Winston, yes.
They're in the car and they're driving.
And they are quoting Bible verses
about how,
at the end of the world,
the dead will rise from the grave.
Oh, yeah!
Oh.
Yeah.
Is there one near the car'?
No, don't think so.
There's another one, though.
I think we should stay a bit quieter.
Yeah, I've not seen this many
around here before.
What, really?
Yeah, this isn't good.
Well, we drove past quite a few.
Yeah, but never double figures here.
London, yeah, but this is
the middle of nowhere.
What's up?
Jesus fucking Christ.
- You scared the shit out of me.
- Sorry.
- He's like a ninja.
- I didn't want to wake...
Just make a noise or something
next time, alright?
Listen, it's time for changing
of the guard.
Now get some sleep if you can,
because I think we're leaving
in the mornin'.
- We?
- Yeah.
Nana? I could try and have a word.
Okay, but it's not just your Nana,
to be fair.
Well, at least we don't have
to pack anything.
Yes.
And don't forget that black hold-all.
Jesus Christ,
there's more out there than before.
Yeah, we need to stay quiet at night.
Shut up, you walrus.
- Nice one.
- Ah, it's okay.
You should get some sleep.
I think that one just threw up a cat.
Ah... You two should get some sleep.
I'll take the chair and keep an eye out.
- There's not much to see from down here.
- I don't mind taking the chair.
Oh, you're very sweet, but I think I had
a little pan out when we was upstairs.
I don't think I would sleep now anyway.
You sure, mate?
Look, uh...
I don't think I'll be using this.
I'll just use the hoodie.
I'll be okay, thanks.
Ah, nah. Come on, I'll feel bad.
Bloody hell.
Thanks.
Don't mention it.
Maybe it was a fox.
Nah, the bits looked
pretty cat-like to me.
Ah... well,
your eyes are better than mine.
I can barely see the tree line
now it's dark.
- How many out there now, then?
- Mm... 22'?
Oh... I can still count, you know.
I'm not completely fucking daft.
Yeah, here's to that.
Yeah, I'll drink to that, too.
Mind you, we should probably ration
the coffee a bit,
'cause we don't wanna pee too early.
Do we?
Quite.
They can't just...
sit back and not do anything though,
can they?
They?
You know, the police or the army
or whatever.
Have you read a newspaper recently?
There's horrible things
happening all over the world.
The governments are just sittin' back
and doing nothing about it.
It's safer just to assume
that you're on your own.
It's not that bad.
Makes things easier most of the time.
But we aren't on our own, are we?
I've got Nana and...
you've got these guys.
People need other people.
It's how we get things done.
- Well, I guess...
- It's how we survive.
Q?
Yeah?
'Night.
Good night, Cassie.
Q?
Yeah?
What's in the hold-all?
Money.
Thought so.
- Darling, shhh, wake up.
- Nana, what is it?
That weasel-looking one,
he sneaked off.
Nana, he's probably gone
to the toilet or something...
No, no, he... he took my car keys.
- What, granddads car keys?
- Mm-hmm. Yeah.
- Going somewhere good, were we?
- Put the fucking gun down.
After you.
Ladies first.
Tone, what's going on?
- We're leaving.
- Oh, not with all our food, you're not!
- Grab the old one.
- What?! Why don't you just...
Don't fucking argue.
I've got enough food for two of us
and I got the car keys in me pocket.
Tone... this is wrong, mate.
Oh, shut up,
you sopping little cum!
What do you know about right
and fucking wrong?!
- I...
- Was it right for any of this to happen?
Was it right for us
to rob a fucking bank?!
Was it right for us to steal a van?!
No! And, yes, you're right.
It is a piece-of-shit fucking van,
with my mate's blood all over it.
- Tone, why don't we just lower the gun...
- Shut up!
Was it right for fucking Danny
to be buried in the fucking mud'?!
No. Was it right for little Steve
to get eaten by those fucking beasts?!
- Tony, keep it...
- Shut the fuck up, you cunt!
Pat, we're leaving, mate.
Get the hold-all.
Muscles, I got the car keys
in me pocket, mate.
- What'?
- Tony, mate.
- You're not going anywhere.
- Shut up, you old cow,
or I'll fucking shoot you,
then I'll shoot your fucking granddaughter.
- You pathetic little man.
- Oh, yeah?
You evil fuck!
Do you think I'd leave a loaded gun
in the house
with someone like you around?
Come on. Come on!
Alright!
What's the matter with ya?!
Let go!
"No!"
Nana, let go!
Oh... Oh!
Oh... Oh!
Oh, God...
God...
Nana, shhh, it's gonna be okay.
It's going to be okay, Nana.
- Alright, here. Take these...
- Shhh, Nana.
- Take these and get away!
- Go somewhere!
- Nana, I'm not gonna leave you here!
- Just listen to me, Cassandra!
Remember, you have to be strong.
You... we know what happens next.
I-I haven't got much longer and...
I don't want to have to...
And... and you, you...
you look after this girl
like she was your own.
I'll be waiting for you if you don't, boy.
I'll make sure she stays safe.
I promise.
Oh... Oh, leave me...
leave me alone with my granddaughter
for a minute, please.
- Jesus Christ.
- He's long gone.
- She's starting to turn.
- It won't be long now.
Go away...
- What's the plan now?
- Plan?
Yeah.
How the fuck am I supposed to know?
What, wait till the old woman
turns into one of them things
and then chew her head off maybe?
What the fuck...
She won't know...
Look, alright, okay. Yeah, I know.
I'm sorry, mate. Okay, alright.
Uh... We need to get out of here.
So we need to get them keys, right?
Yeah, but I'm not wrestling the keys
out of a dying old lady's fist.
Good, 'cause I'm not leaving Cassie
while she...
I don't think
we're gonna have to do it.
- Bye, Nana. I love you.
- I love you, too.
Nana said there's food in a bag
next door. Muscles, you get that.
Pat, you get the blankets
from the airing cupboard.
We've got to go around the side
of the house.
Nana said she's gonna distract them
while we get to the car.
I'm driving.
You're riding shotgun.
Ready?
Bye, Nana.
Careful, dears.
Oh...? Oh...
Come on, you motherfuckers!
No, I don't think
there ever was a second safe house.
I'm just saying I think that weaselly nut
had the right idea getting to the coast.
- Yeah, alright, how?
- We get a boat.
A fucking boat?
A fucking boat, yeah.
- Can you even drive...
- Sail.
Alright, can you even sail
a fucking boat?
No, but how hard could it be,
for christ sake?
I can sail a boat.
What, seriously?
Yeah, a small one, nothing too big.
You're full of fucking surprises,
ain't ya?
Right, we nick a boat and,
bam, cross to France.
Oh, I do like France.
Ah. Gay Paree?
Yeah, get the fuck off this island.
I doubt those fuckers can swim.
Alright, alright,
somewhere warmer like Tenerife.
Pass us one of them bottles of water,
please, mate.
Cheers.
Didn't mean to upset her, I just...
just always wanted to go to Tenerife.
Ah, now let's find a harbour.
Y'know... I was wondering
if we're ever gonna be hungry enough
to finish all those cans of beans
that Grandma packed.
She shot Grandad.
He'd been bitten.
When I got there,
she had already... done it.
He was just lying there
by the front door.
Sorry.
- What did you do?
- I didn't do anything.
I was just... I don't know.
I just went and found Nana...
and just left him there.
When I finally got the courage
to go outside
and at least cover him up,
he was gone.
- Gone?
- Yeah, gone.
I guess she should've shot him
in the head.
What if it's not just this virus thing
that we're up against?
What if the dead are actually coming back?
And if they are, it doesn't matter
where we fucking run to.
What hope do we have
if this is actually the end of world?
- That's weird.
- No shit.
Nah, I meant... No, uh...
Not that.
Well, yeah, that's weird.
I was... Look...
I was thinking that maybe...
you were right about all this.
About what?
Come on. Look at these guys.
I'm thinking that maybe the only way
to get through this is to stick together.
And for the first time in...
Well... for the first time...
I actually feel like
I can trust the people I'm with.
Yeah, seriously, Cass.
If this is the end of the world...
there's no one else I'd rather be
running away from it with.
Hmm. Maybe he's found Tenerife.
Alright, look.
We should hold up somewhere quiet,
and wait until, like,
daybreak or something.
Yeah, I've heard it's best
to steal a boat at daybreak.
I don't think
it's technically stealing
it if the owners are dead.
No, I'm pretty sure
that's still stealing.
Either way,
it should be kind of fun.
What?
You don't have to blow
too hard on that, mate.
Sorry.
How did we survive this long?
Ran out.
What, you mean the human race?
No, I mean, those buckets
come with a lot of fucking fire.
- Blimey...
- They've got the numbers.
You're right there. Numbers.
Get enough people together,
you can pretty much do anything.
So how many more of this
until this light, then?
Ugh...
So I suppose you think
you're pretty smart, aye?
- Yep.
- Can't argue with that.
- She's cleverer than us anyway.
- And that's not all.
It's only 'cause I was freezing
my tits off.
Maybe this wasn't such a good idea.
Well, we can see
in every direction. Alright?
We're warm now.
And I dunno about you,
I don't wanna spend another minute
in that car.
I suppose we could,
uh, sleep in shifts.
Yeah. And then, uh...
we steal a boat at daybreak.
Heard it's the best time.
I only steal boats at daybreak.
So how long did it take you to learn
to sail a boat, then?
A couple of nights.
- A couple of nights?
- Yeah.
It was easier with the lights off.
With the lights? Wait.
How exactly did you learn
to sail a boat?
- Off a CDV.
- A CDV'?
It was very...
it was very realistic.
Don't tell them, though.
- You said you could sail a boat.
- Just a small one.
I suppose you could fly
a bloody plane as well?
No. I couldn't get that one to work.
That's not the point.
They come free with a magazine I stole.
W was forward...
and men A and...
was left and right.
You are a piece of work, you are.
You alright, guys?
- Yeah, fine. Everything's fine.
- Everything's gonna be just fine.
Well, I don't think I'm gonna sleep
anytime soon.
No, me neither.
If we do the first watch,
do you guys wanna do the second one?
I'm not sure if I can sleep,
to be honest.
Unbelievable.
Oh, they're actually really sweet.
Never mind.
Well... I don't think
I'll sleep ever again,
but it's nice to get a moment to rest,
you know?
Q? Q!
Are you okay?
Oh, you scared me. You okay?
Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.
Okay. I'm cool. It's alright.
Maybe we should all just stay quiet
and stay awake.
Oh, I bet it's warm in Tenerife.
Oh, will you give it a rest?
I'm just saying,
in a hotter country,
the smell'd be overbearing
if there's any there.
We don't know if they are any there.
- And it's a much bigger country than here.
- No, it's not.
- Yes, it is, isn't it, Cassie?
- No, sorry, it's definitely not.
Voice of reason.
But it is an island, mate.
Okay, yeah, so there's more,
y'know, space.
You mean less people?
Yeah, there's less people,
which is much better.
That would be much better.
Maybe we can cut around.
That'd be lovely.
My fucking ankle.
Oh... fucking hell!
Dinnertime, motherfuckers!
Oh, please...
Please don't remember how to open doors.
Please don't remember how to open doors.
Please don't remember
how to open doors.
Please don't remember how to open doors.
Please don't remember how to open doors.
Please don't remember how to open doors.
Please don't remember how to open doors.
Please...
Piss off, this SHE'S taken!
Jesus Christ, are you hurt?
Where'd he get the chainsaw from?
- Are you hurt'?
- No, no, no, I'm alright.
- You okay?
- Fabulous, thanks.
Cool, cool.
They'll be alright.
How do you like your croissants?
Warm and moist, mate.
Tsk! Pervert
One, two. One, two.
Set.
Ready?
Ready?
Good stuff.
It's like a...
whale, or something like that.
That's the way he grins.
- Okay, just leave me...
- And I've seen those...
...whales.
- Careful, gotta run. Go!
- Ah, fuck!
- You okay?
- Yeah, I'm okay.
- Is the camera okay?
- Camera's okay.
I'm gonna move this rock.
Ready?
Yeah, you want some? Yeah!
You wanted it... Oh, you cunt.
It's alright.
Yeah? Yeah? Yeah?
You want some, dude, huh? Yeah!
And you, you wanted it?
Ah, you cunt.
Yeah? You want some, dude, huh?
Yeah, like that.
Yeah'?
Let me hear you say "brains"!
Brains!
Round of applause, zombies!
Wonderful! Ladies and gentlemen,
guys and girls, thank you so much!
Gangsters, guns and zombies!
Ah, you guys rock.
Thank you very, very much!
Well done, everyone.
Subtitling: CNST, Montreal
bank robberies are not as cool
as they look in the movies.
Some idiot once said
you can tell a lot about a person
by how they react in a crisis.
That's me. Hiya.
Sorry.
- Hang on, Danny.
- Could be a lot worse, mate.
That's Tony.
This is - or was - his job.
Should've been simple for a pro like him.
Danny, he's Tony's best mate's son
and like me, this is his first job.
It was all going well until he got shot.
That's the spirit.
For fucks sake!
- You fucking blind?
- She just came straight out!
Sorry, guys.
Q...
if you'd be fucking kind enough
to get us to the safe house
in one fucking piece,
I think we'll all be extremely grateful.
Does that work with you?
Pat, how's Danny doing?
Danny, how are you doing there, mate?
Pat. He...
well, he seems to be bank-robbery
middle management or something.
Danny, think you can make it
to the safe house?
Danny?
- Um...
- Jesus Christ!
Muscles.
Who could dare say that the criminal
element of this fine country
has no imagination?
Unless there's a fucking surgeon
at the safe house,
he needs a hospital, sharpest.
I think we should get him
to the hospital, Tony.
Oh! I'm okay.
Oh, Danny, if we don't get you
to a hospital soon,
you are gonna bleed out
all over the van, the money...
and all over his new shoes.
Oi, fuck off, you.
These are new. Now fuck off!
Hey, Ton, I'm gonna need reimbursing
for me shoes
if I get blood all over 'em, mate.
All right? I've got a receipt.
This guy is actually nuts.
There's no way anyone else
could get away
with the stuff this guy does
around Tony.
Ladies and gentlemen,
I give you... Crazy Steve.
And I'm not fucking joking!
Right. Pat, move the fucking money!
Q, find me a hospital
on that box of yours.
Steve, shut up. I'll buy you
a new pair of fucking shoes.
And Danny, please, hold on, mate.
Q, put your foot down,
'cause if he dies,
I'm taking the funeral expenses out of-
What the fu...?
Shhh!
Oh, fucking love it.
What? Wh-what?
- No way that's for us.
- Nah, that's coming for us.
Shut up!
Nah, it's not for us.
They've got bigger fish to fry.
Shit!
Q?
Fuck this.
Can we go now?
- Please let me in!
- Please, go on, let me in!
- Sorry, love, can't help you.
- I've got money!
- I've got money!
- Yeah, yeah, so have we. Now piss off.
What else you got there in there,
sweetheart?
Help me!
- Steve?
- Yes... Tony?
What do you think you're doing?
Helpin'.
What about your shoes?
Ah, fuck! You cunt.
Steve, get back in the van, mate.
Bobbit...
You keep that fucking blood
away from Danny.
Alright, alright.
Christ knows how I managed
to get myself into these things.
- horribly overrun.
- Each day, more and more casualties...
Come on, you bastards, come on.
We have been assured
that these unrelated incidents
have got nothing to do with
what people have been calling zomb...
Y'know, mate,
you can tell a lot about a person
by the way they react to a crisis.
I may just have the perfect job for you.
- Alright, come on.
- C'mon, c'mon, c'mon.
Come on!
Go, go!
Q, keep the fucking engine running,
stay inside the van!
Yeah, not going to be a problem, mate.
Piece of shit.
Work.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Q, open the fucking van!
Come on, get in, get in.
Get in the fucking van!
Stop fucking about!
Get in the fucking van!
In the van!
Fuck!
Fucking mug.
So what's the Q stand for?
Quick, I reckon.
How long?
Uh, not far now.
About five minutes.
What, the box says five minutes?
No, yeah, four minutes, 55 seconds now,
but...
Not long now, Danny.
Hold on, fella, hold on.
- I swiped these for ya, for Danny.
- For Danny.
Mate, you fucked those things up
proper.
Fuck...
Here you are, mate.
When there's no more room in hell?
This is ridiculous.
These are people.
- They're not monsters.
- "The dead will walk the earth."
Now come on, Reverend,
this is a direct quote.
I know where the quote is from,
thank you very much.
Bu! This is a man-made problem.
Man-made!
You can't prove anything.
And that is the problem, isn't it,
Reverend?
The first reports came in
from all over the country
and no one can say for certain.
Yeah, did we miss the spans?
I wanted to know what happened
with the football.
Probably dead on their feet.
That's fucking awful.
I don't get it.
Yes, but once again,
the most important thing
is to stay out of sight and sound.
Anyone with disease must be
quarantined properly or,
at the very least, avoided at all costs.
We're almost there.
- Get Danny ready to move.
- Get the cash put away.
I want to torch this piece-of-shit van
as soon as possible.
Oh, no.
Police, police, police!
Keep moving. Okay?
What the fuck?
You'll be alright, mate, you're alright.
I'll tell you what, chaps,
someone's grassed us up here.
Those pigs weren't here for nothing.
Don't talk crazy.
Do you think they were waiting for us?
Look, I'm no expert but, there's a lot
of mental shit going on right now
and they could've been there
for anything.
Oh, yeah, you would say that,
wouldn't you?
Fucking work experience.
What the fucks that supposed to mean?
Oh, c'mon, mate,
you know what I'm talking about.
None of us even know ya.
None of us have even worked with ya.
None of us.
Don't know why the pigs were there
and we probably never will,
so shut up, the pair of you.
Yeah, bit of a coincidence,
if you ask me.
I mean, I'm just sayin'.
Bitch!
Fucking...
There's another safe house.
A second safe house?
You never mentioned.
Well, thank Christ for that.
Only a few people know about it.
It's a fallback.
It's in case something goes wrong,
y'know, in case something bad happens?
Yeah, I think this counts.
- I fucking knew it.
- This geezer's always got something.
- It's quite a way away.
- It's by the coast.
I reckon we'd be there
by late morning, early afternoon.
Uh, just give me the address
and I can, uh...
- Don't worry, I've got it all up here.
- I've got it all up here.
- Yeah, but I'm just...
- Do you just go fucking deaf'?
Just get us to the motorway.
Will do.
I don't mean to complicate things,
but if we go past another hospital...
You out of your fucking mind?
I don't think Danny's gonna be
feeling tight in the morning,
or the afternoon.
Oh, Patrick, keep the pressure
on the wound and it'll be fine.
How about I keep pressure on your face?
I... I'll make it.
It'll be fucking great.
That's right, mate, you're gonna be fine.
Motorway. Now.
The radio broken?
Well, did we find out the scores, or what?
He's a cunt, him.
And something
about this super-aggressive strain
makes them literally unstoppable
unless you remove the head.
Yes, this is an interesting point
you raise,
because it's been said
that the main reason
we're facing such a pandemic
is due to NHS underfunding...
Well, no, that's not the point
I was making.
But, yes, there's been a great deal
of trying to assign blame
in the last week or so.
But the fact remains that
if we can't educate people right now
that this event could well be
the catalyst for future...
{just have to stop you there.
We're getting reports that the building
has been... Uh, wait, let's see.
Okay, we'll keep broadcasting
for as long as possible.
Nothing's going to...
Well, that's gonna slow us down.
We'll make it right there, fella.
Be alright, mate.
Mate... where is everyone?
There ain't been another car
in the past three hours.
That's why I fucking hate
the countryside.
We could fucking die out here
and no one would even know.
Yeah, or you could strangle someone,
dump the body
and he'll probably never be found.
God, now we're talking.
You could easily do that.
We just need to get to the coast, is all.
Number eight.
First aid is of the utmost importance.
Minor injuries can quickly become...
What the fucks all that about?
- What? No scores, nah?
- There's nothing else playing.
Sounds like some kind of emergency
broadcast or something.
Sounds old.
If you're forced to engage
in combat...
failing this, large blunt objects
like a cricket bat...
Y'know, there may be a quicker way
if you just tell me the area.
Calm down, Q. You'll get your fair share
when we get to the coast.
Nah, I didn't mean that.
Oh, fuck.
- I know exactly what you mean.
- Uh, guys?
Look, I'm just trying to be helpful here,
alright?
- Tony!
- What'?
Danny's... dead.
Oh, fuckin' hell!
Fuck!
Shit.
Pat, is there something we can do?
- Like what?
- Call the fucking ambulance?
I dunno what to do.
Oh, shit.
It's not your fault.
- Yeah, I know.
- Mate, that's fucked up.
It's no SHE'S fault.
I'll tell you what, why don't we just
chuck him out the back of the van, eh?
- Fuck no!
- What is wrong with you?
- We can't keep him here, can we?
- Yes, we fucking can!
Danny was my best mate's son.
And I'm not seeing him thrown out
the back of a fuckin' van!
Fit and healthy body
is the best way to maintain high spirits
and keep boredom at bay.
Shit's fucked up, mate.
First aid is
of the utmost importance.
Minor injuries can cause...
Okay, we stick to the plan.
Get to the safe house,
from this god-awful countryside.
And be sure to dispose
of all waste quickly and safely.
Yeah. Danny would've thought
that was a good idea.
Yeah, I reckon he would have.
Shit, at least there's no rush, I suppose.
Always get the job done.
Number 10." Do not give up.
Help is on its way
and will be with you soon.
The great British spirit has seen
this nation through dark times before
and will do so again.
Above all else, don't lose heart.
I know he's your mate and all,
but seriously, Tony.
Ugh!
There's something leaking out of him!
Is that... piss?
Yeah, that's normal, mate.
What? How the fuck is that normal?!
How the fuck is any of this normal?
For fucks sake, right,
but we're gonna have to do something.
But I will shoot anyone who says
chuck him out of the fucking van!
We should bury him.
Y'know...
it'd be nice.
I don't think...
Good idea.
Danny always did like a burial.
- No, what, Tony?
- You can't be serious, mate.
Yeah...
he always did like
the countryside.
Seriously?
Yeah, Hold you.
He always did like the countryside.
No, I mean...
Don't listen to any of these monsters,
Tony.
We'll give him a proper burial, mate.
You fucking retarded?
Tony, this is not a good idea, mate.
Danny obviously meant a lot
to all of us.
No, Danny was my best mate's son!
He is dead! We are gonna bury him!
Or he stays in the van until
we get to the fucking safe house!
Yeah, fuckin' right.
Shut up, you mentalist.
Tone... look, I understand.
But let's just think about this
for a second, okay?
Okay.
We're safe because we're inside
the van and we're moving.
Y'know, the last thing we wanna do
as armed robbers,
is go traipsing into the woods
with a dead body.
Not just because
we're the ones that got him shot,
because this whole zombie problem.
I mean, fuck, isn't that just the most
insane thing we could do right now?
I don't know about anybody else,
but there is no way I'm doing that.
Hold it, hold it, hold ii.
Over here. Over here.
Look, he'd have loved that.
Come.
Heavier than he looks, isn't he?
- This is fucking perfect.
- Yeah, lovely.
What we need to do
is do a little shallow grave there.
It'll be just like the old days.
Fill it in, then.
Shouldn't we, like...
close his mouth or something?
It doesn't seem right to, you know...
You know, what?
I dunno, like,
he'd get dirt in his mouth.
Yeah, he's right.
For fucks sake.
Come on, boy, but your back into it.
Piss off, you!
It's... fucking jammed open
or something.
- Yeah, like your mum.
- Fuck off, you!
Just turn him over and get outta there.
I don't really know what to say.
I've known Danny all his life,
ever since he was little runt.
Growing up nicking mopeds
and doing old ladies and stuff like that.
He's more like a son to me.
I promised his dad I'd look after him.
And even though he's a little fuckup
and couldn't shoot a gun straight,
nine times out of 10, he'd, y'know,
he was more trouble than he was worth.
He's always been my responsibility.
And now he's here.
But he's in the countryside
that he loved so much.
So may he rest in peace.
If anyone would like to say anything...
Amen.
Yeah, amen. Amen.
What?
Ah...
- Wait.
- Yeah.
Anyone got a can opener?
Must be one of them
re-enactment groups.
Shut up.
Meaty sandwiches.
Or his meat. Go on, my son.
Look at the speed on
that fat tin-can cunt!
- Oh, shit.
- Do you think he heard me?
Yes, you fucking spanner.
Guys...
I thought fat people were supposed
to be jolly.
Right.
Whoa! Ah!
What the...
what the fuck?!
Danny boy?
I fucking told you.
Fuck this!
Ah!
It's for us, Danny. I'm sorry.
I can't.
Tony?
Oh, shit.
Ladies!
Get it the fuck off me!
Fuck... off.
Fuck.
Get him off me!
We're coming in, you tin-can cunts!
C'mere.
God, that was fucking brilliant.
Do you think they'd call
out of a car in a gas mask?
No, probably not, or they'd have come
back after us and all.
Yeah, but I reckon all that armour
was slowing them down a bit.
As long as they didn't run
into a fucking tree or something.
It's a little like the sea
when you're running in a gas mask.
I mean, I'm just sayin'.
I'm sure he was fine.
He looked like military.
Maybe a Tl centre nearby or something.
Yeah, maybe.
So can the box find somewhere?
Probably.
He was alright when he was just
on manoeuvres,
but they probably fucked him over
when the whole Gulf War thing started.
Gents, we're gonna make a stop
for some fuel in a minute.
Oh, brilliant, I'm starving.
Mm... and I could really do
with a piss, mate.
Why'd Danny come back, then?
I dunno, mate.
Maybe he got some blood in him
when he was in the back.
Didn't they say on the news
that it wasn't just the biting,
- but something about the blood?
- Nah, I was right there.
- Nothing touched him.
- Yeah.
And before you start blaming me,
my shoes were nowhere near him, mate.
Yeah, he's right.
He was dead,
we buried him and he came back.
Number three."
try to get to higher ground.
- A loft is preferable.
- Na spans'?
Anywhere that is
above the ground floor.
Remember to barricade or even...
Jesus, there's absolutely nothing.
Maybe it's broke.
Stockpile as much water
as you can. Fill up baths, sinks
and as many bottles
and saucepans as possible.
Thirst can quickly become a killer,
so ration your water.
Number five...
Fucking useless piece of...
Has anyone got a mobile that works?
Preferably with Internet access?
- Any air-sealed goods.
- Ration your foods...
Nothing.
You can get Internet on a phone?
Not today, we can't.
Cheers. How about you, then?
I can't even send a text, mate.
And that's when it ain't the end of
the world, do you know what I mean?
Hang on.
Number seven, exercise regularly.
A good and healthy body is the best way
to maintain high spirits...
No.
Number eight, first aid is
of the utmost importance.
Minor injuries can quickly become
life threatening
if the current sanitary procedures
are no! Followed.
'Clean your hands regularly'
'and be sure to dispose of all waste'
as quickly and safely...
Maybe it's one of those no-signal things.
No, I tried it before when we
were waiting outside the hospital.
I couldn't get anything then either.
Look, who gives a shit?
We follow the box to the garage,
we get some fuel and we sort it.
What?
You bastard.
What?!
Now I need a fucking piss.
You've got to be fucking joking.
That box of yours'
having a fucking laugh, innit?
It must need a software update
or something.
Well, it looks like
we ain't getting any cappuccinos.
Have a look out the back, there might
be some booze or something.
You never know.
Yeah, on the plus side,
it's pretty old and out of the way, innit?
There's no bloody diesel in there,
Tone.
This gaffs empty.
- We'll take a piss.
- Keep your fucking eyes peeled, then.
- You alright?
- Yeah, I'm sweet.
Just about to burst, that's all.
I'm gonna go find the bog.
Just go in a bush.
I'm not some fucking animal,
thank you very much.
About a quarter of a tank.
That'll do for now.
You, go find Crazy Steve and make
sure the little fucker stays quiet.
Q, you ever stolen petrol before?
Nah, but I stole a pair of Diesel jeans
once.
- Ha-ha-ha, quite smart.
- Let's go find a fucking hose.
We'll need something to siphon it in,
though.
Good idea. Listen, go dig something up
and I'll try to get into this
without the keys.
Steve?
You in here, mate?
Shhh. Can you puke quietly?
- Well done, mate.
- Uh... Yeah.
Cheers.
HE'S gone!
What, you killed Crazy Steve?
'Course I didn't fucking kill him.
- There's blood all over the shitter.
- Oh, Jesus.
He's dead on a fucking shitter?
No, look, no, he's not even
on the shitter. He's not there.
There's blood all over the place.
Pat?
Shining, fucking bug's sake.
We should run.
Fuck.
Hold it out!
- Where the fuck's he going?
- He's gonna get the diesel, isn't he?
Shit. He's never going to make it.
Well,
drive the van or something.
I can't! That sopping aunt's
got the keys, ain't he?!
- Puck's sake...
- Fuck off!
These are new... fucking... shoes!
Jesus Christ.
I'm sorry about your shoes.
- This is bollocks.
- We gotta do something.
- Yeah.
- Like what, then?
Fuck off, you... fucking... fucks!
- Feel better?
- Yeah, a bit. Yeah.
What... were...
the scores?!
You... fuck.
- Jesus Christ!
- You alright?
- Yeah, yeah.
- Uh, Steve saved me.
He's turned into some, like,
half-zombie... shit.
- Oh, God, can't we...
- No, no, we can't.
Look, look, he sacrificed himself
so we could get the fuck out of here,
alright?
Fuck. Just go.
Well... it's official.
We're in the middle of fucking nowhere.
You smell diesel?
Mm.
Yeah, that's me.
Look.
Look, look there! Slow down.
Look, there!
There, you silly bastard.
You ever stolen a car?
No.
Shit. Right...
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Easy, Grandma, easy.
Didn't mean to scare ya.
Oh, really, fuckface,
do I look scared to you?
Calm down. It's not the first time
I've had a gun pointed at me.
Oh, maybe so,
but it could be the last time
anyone shoots your balls off!
Whoa.
Ah, that's better.
Now you, short ass,
and you, fat ass...
and you, black ass,
can all get back in that shitmobile
with fuckface here and piss off.
Go rob a post office or something.
- We'd love to.
- We've run out of fuel.
We only just made it here.
Then go rob a sodding petrol station.
I understand how this looks.
But we're not here to rob anyone.
- We just saw the car and...
- What'?
Thought you'd get a closer look?
Mm! I'm not getting any younger,
you know.
I might just shoot
the lot of you anyway.
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
easy, easy, alright?
Look... you're not gonna shoot anyone.
Oh, really?
Yeah, 'cause if you do,
you'll attract every member
of the undead in a 10-mile radius.
I know you don't want that.
Look, you even took the wind chimes
down from your front door.
Okay, look, maybe you can tell us
somewhere nearby
where we can get some fuel,
or another car or something.
We understand if we startled you,
out here, all alone.
What makes you think she's alone?
- Hi.
- Hi.
Don't fucking move unless I say so.
Yeah, you got it.
Cassie, dear, if he even twitches,
you shoot his black ass.
Nana! Oh my God,
you can't say stuff like that!
Why not?
- It's okay.
- It's not really. I'm sorry.
She's, you know...
- A racist?
- No, she's not a racist.
- I bloody well am.
- So what of it?
Nana!
What's the pillow for?
- Really, it's okay.
- Let's just stay cool.
- Oh...
- Sorry.
Yeah, it's fine. Don't worry.
Ah...
Is that even gonna work?
No.
Yes, it will.
No, just covers everything in feathers.
Wouldn't it son of muffle it?
Um... listen...
Cassie.
- Cassie, yeah. Hi, I'm Q.
- Q?
Yeah, Q.
Um, look,
if I promise not to twitch,
could you...
lower the whole pillow/gun thing?
Maybe.
You know you smell like diesel?
Get inside! Get inside!
Everyone inside! Go, go, go!
And when severing the head,
always warm up first.
Try stretching your arms
and back gently.
Avoiding injury is paramount.
- They still out there?
- Yeah.
There's a few more of them now.
Do they tend to wander off?
They do get bored
if you're quiet enough for long enough.
They son of get distracted
if you don't make any noise.
You may find this task
difficult to complete
if you are feeling emotional.
But remember,
if it is a close friend
or family member...
don't look them in the eyes.
Quarantine procedures have come
into effect nationally,
'but you may still have to secure'
and quarantine members
of your local community,
should they become infected.
"Now for the last question."
What are the symptoms of those infected?
'You may notice high-grade fever'
in anyone who has the disease...
. or the early onset of the disease.
This soon becomes an insatiable
and ravenous hunger for flesh.
Sorry about the whole... gun thing.
Ah, don't worry about it.
It's been one of those weeks.
Yeah, I bet.
Nana's always been the real gun expert.
Where I grew up,
every idiot talked about havin' a gun.
It was only the people
you didn't wanna meet actually had 'em.
Hmm. Like Tony.
Yeah, I don't know.
I've known worse.
Does it freak you out?
- What'?
- How normal this whole thing feels.
Oh, Christ, yes.
Remember, the disease is spread
through a bite from an infected person.
Bu! Avoid blood and brain matter
in particular.
If you are cut...
clean and cover the wound
as soon as possible.
It you are bitten,
do not hide the wound.
Please seek help immediately.
Do not attempt to fight.
If you are confronted,
evacuate safely.
If you are forced to fight...
then your best chance
is to destroy the brain.
And remember the four rules...
Oh, my God!
It's like we were all just
waitin' for something like this to happen.
I suppose.
I think I know what you mean.
It's like all the news and stuff is...
I dunno, it's...
. made us all... numb.
- Yeah, I know.
- We've been desensitized.
Ah... Yeah.
So what's the last thing
you heard about all this?
Well, nothing really changed
is what people are saying.
You know, there's a virus,
don't get blood on you, blah-blah-blah.
Okay. Hum...
So...
do you ever hear about people...
coming back?
- What, like after they've...
- Died, yeah, after they died'?
Y'know, they... haven't been bitten,
no zombie contact of any kind.
They just died... normally
and, uh, they came back.
- That's weird.
- Never heard of anything like that.
Why'?
Ahem!
Lovely tea.
- Yeah, it's very nice of you.
- One night and you're gone tomorrow.
Don't wanna impose,
but you've been really nice.
Well, we've hardly enough food
for the two of us.
- Yeah, don't worry.
- We'll be out of your hair by tomorrow.
Okay. Good.
You probably should've got some sleep
while you had the chance.
I seldom sleep.
Pat, would you be a dear and go
and tell the others
it's time to swap watch?
Do you ever watch Ghostbusters?
Uh, yeah, actually, I did.
Right, there's a bit
where it's the end of the world,
and there are way too many ghosts
than they can handle,
and the two of them are in the car.
- Ray and Winston.
- Yeah, Ray and Winston, yes.
They're in the car and they're driving.
And they are quoting Bible verses
about how,
at the end of the world,
the dead will rise from the grave.
Oh, yeah!
Oh.
Yeah.
Is there one near the car'?
No, don't think so.
There's another one, though.
I think we should stay a bit quieter.
Yeah, I've not seen this many
around here before.
What, really?
Yeah, this isn't good.
Well, we drove past quite a few.
Yeah, but never double figures here.
London, yeah, but this is
the middle of nowhere.
What's up?
Jesus fucking Christ.
- You scared the shit out of me.
- Sorry.
- He's like a ninja.
- I didn't want to wake...
Just make a noise or something
next time, alright?
Listen, it's time for changing
of the guard.
Now get some sleep if you can,
because I think we're leaving
in the mornin'.
- We?
- Yeah.
Nana? I could try and have a word.
Okay, but it's not just your Nana,
to be fair.
Well, at least we don't have
to pack anything.
Yes.
And don't forget that black hold-all.
Jesus Christ,
there's more out there than before.
Yeah, we need to stay quiet at night.
Shut up, you walrus.
- Nice one.
- Ah, it's okay.
You should get some sleep.
I think that one just threw up a cat.
Ah... You two should get some sleep.
I'll take the chair and keep an eye out.
- There's not much to see from down here.
- I don't mind taking the chair.
Oh, you're very sweet, but I think I had
a little pan out when we was upstairs.
I don't think I would sleep now anyway.
You sure, mate?
Look, uh...
I don't think I'll be using this.
I'll just use the hoodie.
I'll be okay, thanks.
Ah, nah. Come on, I'll feel bad.
Bloody hell.
Thanks.
Don't mention it.
Maybe it was a fox.
Nah, the bits looked
pretty cat-like to me.
Ah... well,
your eyes are better than mine.
I can barely see the tree line
now it's dark.
- How many out there now, then?
- Mm... 22'?
Oh... I can still count, you know.
I'm not completely fucking daft.
Yeah, here's to that.
Yeah, I'll drink to that, too.
Mind you, we should probably ration
the coffee a bit,
'cause we don't wanna pee too early.
Do we?
Quite.
They can't just...
sit back and not do anything though,
can they?
They?
You know, the police or the army
or whatever.
Have you read a newspaper recently?
There's horrible things
happening all over the world.
The governments are just sittin' back
and doing nothing about it.
It's safer just to assume
that you're on your own.
It's not that bad.
Makes things easier most of the time.
But we aren't on our own, are we?
I've got Nana and...
you've got these guys.
People need other people.
It's how we get things done.
- Well, I guess...
- It's how we survive.
Q?
Yeah?
'Night.
Good night, Cassie.
Q?
Yeah?
What's in the hold-all?
Money.
Thought so.
- Darling, shhh, wake up.
- Nana, what is it?
That weasel-looking one,
he sneaked off.
Nana, he's probably gone
to the toilet or something...
No, no, he... he took my car keys.
- What, granddads car keys?
- Mm-hmm. Yeah.
- Going somewhere good, were we?
- Put the fucking gun down.
After you.
Ladies first.
Tone, what's going on?
- We're leaving.
- Oh, not with all our food, you're not!
- Grab the old one.
- What?! Why don't you just...
Don't fucking argue.
I've got enough food for two of us
and I got the car keys in me pocket.
Tone... this is wrong, mate.
Oh, shut up,
you sopping little cum!
What do you know about right
and fucking wrong?!
- I...
- Was it right for any of this to happen?
Was it right for us
to rob a fucking bank?!
Was it right for us to steal a van?!
No! And, yes, you're right.
It is a piece-of-shit fucking van,
with my mate's blood all over it.
- Tone, why don't we just lower the gun...
- Shut up!
Was it right for fucking Danny
to be buried in the fucking mud'?!
No. Was it right for little Steve
to get eaten by those fucking beasts?!
- Tony, keep it...
- Shut the fuck up, you cunt!
Pat, we're leaving, mate.
Get the hold-all.
Muscles, I got the car keys
in me pocket, mate.
- What'?
- Tony, mate.
- You're not going anywhere.
- Shut up, you old cow,
or I'll fucking shoot you,
then I'll shoot your fucking granddaughter.
- You pathetic little man.
- Oh, yeah?
You evil fuck!
Do you think I'd leave a loaded gun
in the house
with someone like you around?
Come on. Come on!
Alright!
What's the matter with ya?!
Let go!
"No!"
Nana, let go!
Oh... Oh!
Oh... Oh!
Oh, God...
God...
Nana, shhh, it's gonna be okay.
It's going to be okay, Nana.
- Alright, here. Take these...
- Shhh, Nana.
- Take these and get away!
- Go somewhere!
- Nana, I'm not gonna leave you here!
- Just listen to me, Cassandra!
Remember, you have to be strong.
You... we know what happens next.
I-I haven't got much longer and...
I don't want to have to...
And... and you, you...
you look after this girl
like she was your own.
I'll be waiting for you if you don't, boy.
I'll make sure she stays safe.
I promise.
Oh... Oh, leave me...
leave me alone with my granddaughter
for a minute, please.
- Jesus Christ.
- He's long gone.
- She's starting to turn.
- It won't be long now.
Go away...
- What's the plan now?
- Plan?
Yeah.
How the fuck am I supposed to know?
What, wait till the old woman
turns into one of them things
and then chew her head off maybe?
What the fuck...
She won't know...
Look, alright, okay. Yeah, I know.
I'm sorry, mate. Okay, alright.
Uh... We need to get out of here.
So we need to get them keys, right?
Yeah, but I'm not wrestling the keys
out of a dying old lady's fist.
Good, 'cause I'm not leaving Cassie
while she...
I don't think
we're gonna have to do it.
- Bye, Nana. I love you.
- I love you, too.
Nana said there's food in a bag
next door. Muscles, you get that.
Pat, you get the blankets
from the airing cupboard.
We've got to go around the side
of the house.
Nana said she's gonna distract them
while we get to the car.
I'm driving.
You're riding shotgun.
Ready?
Bye, Nana.
Careful, dears.
Oh...? Oh...
Come on, you motherfuckers!
No, I don't think
there ever was a second safe house.
I'm just saying I think that weaselly nut
had the right idea getting to the coast.
- Yeah, alright, how?
- We get a boat.
A fucking boat?
A fucking boat, yeah.
- Can you even drive...
- Sail.
Alright, can you even sail
a fucking boat?
No, but how hard could it be,
for christ sake?
I can sail a boat.
What, seriously?
Yeah, a small one, nothing too big.
You're full of fucking surprises,
ain't ya?
Right, we nick a boat and,
bam, cross to France.
Oh, I do like France.
Ah. Gay Paree?
Yeah, get the fuck off this island.
I doubt those fuckers can swim.
Alright, alright,
somewhere warmer like Tenerife.
Pass us one of them bottles of water,
please, mate.
Cheers.
Didn't mean to upset her, I just...
just always wanted to go to Tenerife.
Ah, now let's find a harbour.
Y'know... I was wondering
if we're ever gonna be hungry enough
to finish all those cans of beans
that Grandma packed.
She shot Grandad.
He'd been bitten.
When I got there,
she had already... done it.
He was just lying there
by the front door.
Sorry.
- What did you do?
- I didn't do anything.
I was just... I don't know.
I just went and found Nana...
and just left him there.
When I finally got the courage
to go outside
and at least cover him up,
he was gone.
- Gone?
- Yeah, gone.
I guess she should've shot him
in the head.
What if it's not just this virus thing
that we're up against?
What if the dead are actually coming back?
And if they are, it doesn't matter
where we fucking run to.
What hope do we have
if this is actually the end of world?
- That's weird.
- No shit.
Nah, I meant... No, uh...
Not that.
Well, yeah, that's weird.
I was... Look...
I was thinking that maybe...
you were right about all this.
About what?
Come on. Look at these guys.
I'm thinking that maybe the only way
to get through this is to stick together.
And for the first time in...
Well... for the first time...
I actually feel like
I can trust the people I'm with.
Yeah, seriously, Cass.
If this is the end of the world...
there's no one else I'd rather be
running away from it with.
Hmm. Maybe he's found Tenerife.
Alright, look.
We should hold up somewhere quiet,
and wait until, like,
daybreak or something.
Yeah, I've heard it's best
to steal a boat at daybreak.
I don't think
it's technically stealing
it if the owners are dead.
No, I'm pretty sure
that's still stealing.
Either way,
it should be kind of fun.
What?
You don't have to blow
too hard on that, mate.
Sorry.
How did we survive this long?
Ran out.
What, you mean the human race?
No, I mean, those buckets
come with a lot of fucking fire.
- Blimey...
- They've got the numbers.
You're right there. Numbers.
Get enough people together,
you can pretty much do anything.
So how many more of this
until this light, then?
Ugh...
So I suppose you think
you're pretty smart, aye?
- Yep.
- Can't argue with that.
- She's cleverer than us anyway.
- And that's not all.
It's only 'cause I was freezing
my tits off.
Maybe this wasn't such a good idea.
Well, we can see
in every direction. Alright?
We're warm now.
And I dunno about you,
I don't wanna spend another minute
in that car.
I suppose we could,
uh, sleep in shifts.
Yeah. And then, uh...
we steal a boat at daybreak.
Heard it's the best time.
I only steal boats at daybreak.
So how long did it take you to learn
to sail a boat, then?
A couple of nights.
- A couple of nights?
- Yeah.
It was easier with the lights off.
With the lights? Wait.
How exactly did you learn
to sail a boat?
- Off a CDV.
- A CDV'?
It was very...
it was very realistic.
Don't tell them, though.
- You said you could sail a boat.
- Just a small one.
I suppose you could fly
a bloody plane as well?
No. I couldn't get that one to work.
That's not the point.
They come free with a magazine I stole.
W was forward...
and men A and...
was left and right.
You are a piece of work, you are.
You alright, guys?
- Yeah, fine. Everything's fine.
- Everything's gonna be just fine.
Well, I don't think I'm gonna sleep
anytime soon.
No, me neither.
If we do the first watch,
do you guys wanna do the second one?
I'm not sure if I can sleep,
to be honest.
Unbelievable.
Oh, they're actually really sweet.
Never mind.
Well... I don't think
I'll sleep ever again,
but it's nice to get a moment to rest,
you know?
Q? Q!
Are you okay?
Oh, you scared me. You okay?
Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.
Okay. I'm cool. It's alright.
Maybe we should all just stay quiet
and stay awake.
Oh, I bet it's warm in Tenerife.
Oh, will you give it a rest?
I'm just saying,
in a hotter country,
the smell'd be overbearing
if there's any there.
We don't know if they are any there.
- And it's a much bigger country than here.
- No, it's not.
- Yes, it is, isn't it, Cassie?
- No, sorry, it's definitely not.
Voice of reason.
But it is an island, mate.
Okay, yeah, so there's more,
y'know, space.
You mean less people?
Yeah, there's less people,
which is much better.
That would be much better.
Maybe we can cut around.
That'd be lovely.
My fucking ankle.
Oh... fucking hell!
Dinnertime, motherfuckers!
Oh, please...
Please don't remember how to open doors.
Please don't remember how to open doors.
Please don't remember
how to open doors.
Please don't remember how to open doors.
Please don't remember how to open doors.
Please don't remember how to open doors.
Please don't remember how to open doors.
Please...
Piss off, this SHE'S taken!
Jesus Christ, are you hurt?
Where'd he get the chainsaw from?
- Are you hurt'?
- No, no, no, I'm alright.
- You okay?
- Fabulous, thanks.
Cool, cool.
They'll be alright.
How do you like your croissants?
Warm and moist, mate.
Tsk! Pervert
One, two. One, two.
Set.
Ready?
Ready?
Good stuff.
It's like a...
whale, or something like that.
That's the way he grins.
- Okay, just leave me...
- And I've seen those...
...whales.
- Careful, gotta run. Go!
- Ah, fuck!
- You okay?
- Yeah, I'm okay.
- Is the camera okay?
- Camera's okay.
I'm gonna move this rock.
Ready?
Yeah, you want some? Yeah!
You wanted it... Oh, you cunt.
It's alright.
Yeah? Yeah? Yeah?
You want some, dude, huh? Yeah!
And you, you wanted it?
Ah, you cunt.
Yeah? You want some, dude, huh?
Yeah, like that.
Yeah'?
Let me hear you say "brains"!
Brains!
Round of applause, zombies!
Wonderful! Ladies and gentlemen,
guys and girls, thank you so much!
Gangsters, guns and zombies!
Ah, you guys rock.
Thank you very, very much!
Well done, everyone.
Subtitling: CNST, Montreal