Gangsta Granny (2013) - full transcript
Whilst his parents Linda and Mike spend every weekend ballroom dancing 11 year old Ben goes to stay with his granny, whom he initially finds boring. Then one day he finds a huge collection of jewels in a biscuit tin and discovers she was once a notorious burglar, the Black Cat, though she was never caught as she never tried to sell her spoils. Ben decides they should pull off the biggest heist of all, stealing the Crown Jewels from the Tower of London, using his intimate knowledge of plumbing to enter. Despite his parents' disastrous attempt to get him on the dance floor and the intrusive Neighbourhood Watch warden Parker the couple effect their daring plan. They do not succeed but are allowed to escape by a Royal personage, whom they happen to meet. Sadly Granny does not make it to Christmas but her legacy lives on - in the millions raised for charity by her jewels and the profound effect she has had on the Royal personage.
She's so boring.
Ben, don't talk
about your gran like that.
Well, she is, but your dad's right.
Don't be rude.
Hurry up.
Oh, hello, son.
How's my little Benny?
Hello, Mother. How are you?
Oh, not so bad.
Great, well, gotta go.
Oh, can you not pop in
for a quick cuppa?
Well, I'd love to, but...
Mikey, are you going to
be in there all day?
Linds!
You all right, dear?
Yes, thank you, dear.
Sorry, we've been up to
our eye-balls at the salon.
We've had a rush on spray-tans.
Ben, one of us will pick you up
in the morning at 11.
Could you make it 10?
Son... Well, have fun, you two.
Don't get into too much trouble.
Put your foot down, Mikey.
It's time to...
Start dancing!
I've got your favourite for
your tea tonight. Cabbage soup.
Come on in.
So, how's school?
Hmm, fine.
Good.
How are things outside of school?
The things you're up to
outside of school hours.
Yeah, fine.
Cabbage soup OK?
Fine.
Mm. Good.
Fine.
Oh, you'll be pleased to know
the main course is cabbage pie
with boiled cabbage on the side.
Oh, you polished that off
good and proper.
I'm spraying pine and apple
together to make pineapple.
Well, this is nice.
Want to guess what I'm doing, Benny?
Knitting?
Yes, that's right, young man.
I am knitting,
but what am I knitting?
Another jumper with a kitten on it?
That's right. I can't tell you
what lucky boy it's for.
You'll just have to wait
till Christmas.
("Bolero" by
Maurice Ravel plays)
Well, that's a double word score,
triple letter score.
That's 87 to me.
Oh, it's getting ever so late.
Time for your beddy-byes, young man.
Once upon a time, a little boy
called Benny, about your age,
looked under his bed
and found a magic carpet.
Oh! Sorry, Gran, do you know what?
I'm really tired.
Oh, oh, I know...
you're too old for that sort of thing
now, aren't you?
Silly old Gran.
I'll leave you be.
Nighty night.
'Hello?'
Dad, can you come and get me?
I'm bored.
Ben, this isn't a good time.
We're in the middle cha
of our cha-cha-cha.
You are being very selfish.
I've had a long week.
I've done 152 spray tans.
28 on me.
28 on your father.
This is our time to unwind.
But it's torture here.
I'm sorry. There seems to be a...
...problem on the line.
Granny?
They'll be here to pick you up soon.
Thanks for letting me stay.
Are you OK, Gran?
Mmm.
Oh, your mum's here.
Not stopping. Must be very busy.
Goodbye, then.
I'll see you next Friday.
Yes, yes.
A-ha, Ben, my favourite customer.
I know you're a man who knows
a great deal when he hears one.
I have a very special
one-day-only offer.
What is it, Raj?
24 Cornettos for the price of...23!
That's one Cornetto free of any
charge! Only for my VIP customer.
And what am I going to do
with 24 Cornettos?
Eat 12 now, and put
12 in your pockets for later.
They're not out of date, are they?
So, you're coming here
for your Plumbing Weekly.
I've kept it here safe for you,
and this week there's a free gift.
A U-bend. Cool.
We need a new one of those.
Do you spend all
your spare time plumbing?
Yeah, when I'm not
at my boring old granny's.
Tut tut, and a third tut.
Just because your granny is old
does not mean she is boring.
She comes here on Wednesday
afternoons to buy her
Murray Mints and tissues,
you know, granny equipment, and
we have many interesting chats.
Really?
Oh, yes. There is more to her
than meets the eye.
I bet your granny
has a secret or two.
Old people always do.
Not my granny. See you later.
Is this right for a boy of his age?
No. When I was his age
I was like any normal lad.
Upstairs in my bedroom
trying on sequinned outfits.
Do you remember all those years ago,
when you put your hands on my belly?
We felt those little kicks
and said...
He's going to be a dancer!
What happened?
Ben, are you going to be long?
I need toilet.
Finished! Go and have a manly chat
with him. But I really need to go.
Multi-task!
Cor, men.
So, Ben, we're having a guy chat.
Father to son.
What are we chatting about?
Oh, er, football. Eh, son?
Football.
To be honest, Dad,
I don't really like football.
What? I said
I don't really like football.
Me neither. It's just, me
and your mum are worried.
You spend all your time plumbing.
But I love it, and I want to be
a plumber when I grow up.
Yes, yes, but it's tough
to make it to the very top
of the plumbing world.
You need something to fall back on.
Like what?
Ballroom dancing.
See you later.
See you tomorrow.
Maybe more like 12. Or one.
Benjamin, isn't it?
Hello, Mr Parker.
How's the Neighbourhood Watch?
18 visits in as many weeks.
Any weapons on you?
No.
Nunchuckas? No.
Ninja throwing stars? No.
Bamboo fighting sticks? No!
So, you have spray cans with
which you intend to graffiti-ise
the close. No.
Hmm.
Purpose of visit?
I'm here to see my gran.
The so-called pensioner.
Terrence, camera please.
Look into the lens.
On your way.
Gran? I'm...
You hungry, Ben?
Sort of.
Oh, good, cos I've got
a new cabbage soup on.
To be honest, Gran...
As much as I love cabbage,
you know, I'm a bit...
Cabbaged out?
Yeah, exactly.
And have you got
anything that isn't...
Cabbagey? Let me think.
I might have some biscuits.
There's a tin in the kitchen.
Go have a look.
Try on top of the cupboard.
You all right in there, Ben?
Did you find anything?
Not a thing. Nothing. No.
I didn't find anything
in the cupboard at all.
Never mind. I'll just go stir up
the cabbage stew then.
("Strictly Come Dancing"
Theme plays)
Oh!
Now, Mikey, please rip the
cellophane off the dip assortment.
With pleasure, lady.
Saturday night has begun.
Mum? Shh! It's started.
But it's only the titles bit.
Still! Shh.
Hush!
Dad,
can I go to Granny's
again tonight?
Are you sure?
Let me give her a call.
How long does is take to...
Oh, Hello Mother!
Ben was wondering
if you could come over later.
Oh, really?
Oh, alright.
Goodbye then!
Sorry, Son.
She said she's going out. What?
But she never goes---
Silence! Please.
Flavio is on.
And now let's have a quick chat
with our red hot Latin lover,
Flavio Flavioli.
'Thanks, Claudia.
This evening I am ready to rumba!'
'Ladies, things are really going
to hot up this week.
'Oh, yes, it's a scorchie,
scorchie, burn up the floor!'
No!
Down here. Cameras. What on earth
do you think you're doing?
What are you doing, more like?
I asked first.
I followed you.
I found the biscuit tin.
The one with the j... You mustn't
say a word about that tin.
Or what you saw here tonight.
Promise?
Promise?!
Promise. On one condition.
You have to tell me everything.
Come round tomorrow.
Make sure nobody follows you.
But before three.
It's mobile library day.
OK, Gran.
But...
Gran?
Are you OK, Ben?
We heard a lot of noise.
And why is the window open?
Have you been out?
Of course not.
Well, what have you been doing?
Um, dancing?
My man-to-man chat worked.
As I knew it would.
Yeah, I was really inspired
by whatever it was you said.
I just had to give it a go.
He's got it now.
He's got the bug.
Open the Asti Spumante.
Our boy is going to be a dancer.
Come here, son.
I'm so proud of you.
Yeah. Oh, no, that is a shame.
Oh, how awful.
Yeah, yeah, no,
I'll pass that on right away.
OK, ta-ta.
Ben, I have good news.
I have amazing news.
I have sensational news.
Which would you like first?
Er, the good news?
Ricky Diamond came off
his skateboard yesterday -
broke all his arms and legs!
Are you sure that's the good news?
Yes!
Because it brings us
to the amazing news. Now,
Florence Star
needs a new partner for...
..the Junior Regional
Ballroom Championships!
I don't think I'm ready
for a competition just yet.
Modest. Yes.
The judges will lap it up.
OK. What's the sensational news?
Flavio.
He's got a new puppy!
Aww-w-w-w-w!
You didn't say it was THAT Ben.
He'd better be as good
as you say he is, Linda.
Dancing is in his blood.
He's like me.
That's what worries me.
Excuse me?
I said, "That's what worries me."
Ben will not let you down. Will you?
I hope he's versatile.
Florence is very versatile.
I can dance anything.
I can dance tango, I can dance jive,
I can dance foxtrot.
I can dance swing. I can dance
rock 'n' roll and Lindy hop.
I can dance anything, really.
She can dance anything, really.
She's studying ballet for a week
in Paris next year.
That's in France. Oh, you see?
She's a genius in geography too.
Well, we'll leave you two to it.
Make magic.
Some really "wow" moments, please.
Yeah. Yeah. Can we have some
really "wow" moments, please?
I just said that.
Well, we haven't got long,
so I've made a rehearsal plan.
The thing is, Florence,
I'm so good at dancing,
I like to let my partners rehearse
on their own first, you know?
So they can get up to speed.
I don't need to "get up to speed".
I know every dance there is.
Do you though? Do you know
the quicktrot?
The rumbum?
Can you do the shimmy shammy?
You've made those up.
You learn those and
I'll see you in a week. Bye.
Ben!
Oh, and don't forget
the Spanish otter.
This is amazing.
I was just a girl when it all began.
I was from a very poor family.
Growing up, I'd never even seen
diamonds and sapphires,
rubies like this.
Oh! Look at it.
Buried under the ground
for billions of years.
What a beauty.
Every one of these
has its own story.
What about this one?
Ah, I stole that from
a rich American heiress
when I was working below decks
on an ocean liner.
Wow.
And that one?
From a castle
in deepest, darkest Russia.
It belonged to the last tsarina.
Wow, it's enormous.
What was that? What was what?
I thought someone was
outside the window.
I think your mind's
playing tricks on you.
Now, this is the biggest one.
From a maharani in India, no less.
I had to scale the wall
of their palace.
How? Well,
I climbed onto the back
of an elephant
and shimmied up its trunk,
right into the maharaja's chamber.
You must have half the police
in the world looking for you.
Oh, yes. They couldn't catch me.
But they gave me a name.
The Black Cat.
The Black Cat.
Hold on. So how did you end up
living in a small house
with a broken telly?
Oh, I never sold any of it.
That's the way you get caught.
but when your dad came along
40 years ago, I gave it up.
Had to be a mum, not
an international jewel thief.
Now, how about a nice game
of Scrabble?
What? You can't play Scrabble.
You're like someone
from one of those songs
I'm not allowed to listen to.
You're a gangsta.
It was a very long time ago.
You're a gangsta.
"Gangsta granny".
That's right.
We've got to get you blinged up.
You've got to get with the slang.
So the police are...
Bobbies?
Feds!
("Walk This Way" by
Aerosmith ft Run DMC plays)
Oh, and a "sick tune"
is a good song.
Perry Como.
He dropped some sick tunes.
Get me?
Imma gonna
jack your ice for shizza.
Well good.
Yes, I'm sounding quite
thugged out now.
For real. True dat, cuz.
These must be the most valuable
jewels in the world.
Oh, no. No, I never did get those.
Those? What were they?
It's Mr Parker outside the window!
I can't see.
I'm not going to chokey.
Ben, stall him. What? How?
But don't kill him.
Unless you really have to.
Suspicious amount of jewellery
on your grandmother.
I can explain.
By the power vested
in myself by myself,
I shall conduct a full
search of these premises.
You can't come in here. Why not?
Because...Granny's
doing her naked yoga.
A likely story!
Out of my way.
Madam, I demand to...
Mr Parker, I'm in the middle
of my tree pose.
Yes, but, but, but I mean...
Where are the jewels?
What are you talking about?
Hand them o...
Hand them over, or this will
become a matter for the police.
Oh, fine. And when they get here,
I'll report you.
What for? Spying on old ladies
in their underwear.
But you were fully clothed
when I looked through the window!
That's what they all say.
You've not heard the last of this.
Better put the jewels away.
OK, but first...
Yes, Ben?
You might want to put
some clothes on. Ooh, sorry.
Sorry, Ben. Sorry.
Ben?
Benno?
Ben-Ben!
Benny Ben.
The Ben man!
BEN!
Your mother needs to
talk to you about your outfit.
I don't really need a costume, do I?
You need something with zhuzh.
You need something with pizzazz.
Something that says,
"Everyone, look at me.
Look at me, everyone.
"And now!"
I've had...
I've had one or two ideas.
The love bomb.
Fruit cocktail.
Piano man.
The Quality Street.
Brian Cox's
Wonders of the Solar System.
The Hedgerow Ant Badger.
And, finally,
the Great British Bake-Off.
The recipe for success.
Oh, that's special.
You're special. Oh, stop it.
Can't I just wear jeans
and a t-shirt?
Ben...
The first one then.
The love bomb it is.
Now, I have to make
the trousers more flarey.
Do you think it needs more hearts?
I think it needs more hearts. Yeah.
Dad, can I ask you a question?
What? Nothing too taxing, please.
I was just wondering,
what is the most valuable
set of jewels in the world?
Oh, I know this one.
It was on Pointless.
The Crown Jewels.
Belongs to the Queen.
You got the crown thing...
The ball thing...
The stick thing.
Must be worth a fortune.
Thanks, Dad. Gotta go.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
I'll need you for a fitting.
Florence wants an extra practice.
How do you know? She hasn't called.
Well, when you're dance partners
like me and Flo,
you just know. It's telepathy.
Ooh, OK, Florence,
I'll be right with you.
The binoculars, Terrence.
Make a note of the colour
of his trousers, son.
That's if they are his trousers.
Purloined from
the local charity shop.
Are you OK, Gran?
Yes.
Yes, oh, I'm fine, thank you.
Well, I'm just having a little nap.
Come in.
It's the Crown Jewels.
What's the Crown Jewels?
The ones you never managed to steal.
Oh, that's right.
Oh, yeah, they are the most
valuable jewels in the world.
But stealing from the Queen...
She looks like such a nice lady.
She's got loads of jewels.
She's not going to miss a few.
Now, Ben, listen to me.
I know you like
hearing all my stories,
but you really must forget about
this whole stealing jewels malarkey.
But... No, no.
I've put it all behind me now.
Besides, the Crown Jewels...
It's impossible.
Nothing's impossible
for the Black Cat.
("Don't Stop Me Now"
by Queen plays)
♪ Cos I'm having such a good time
Having a good time
♪ Don't stop me now
♪ I'm having such a good time
I'm having a ball
♪ Don't stop me now
♪ If you wanna have a good time
Just give me a call
♪ Don't stop me now
Cos I'm having a good time
♪ Don't stop me now
Yes, I'm having a good time
♪ I don't wanna stop at all
♪ Don't stop me now
♪ I'm having such a good time
I'm having a ball
♪ Don't stop me now
♪ If you want to have a good time
Just give me a call
♪ Don't stop me now
Cos I'm having a good time
♪ Don't stop me now
Yes, I'm having a good time
♪ I don't want to stop at all. ♪
Off to Gran's. I'm ready.
Bad news, Ben.
Granny's had a fall.
Dr Sergeant to theatre,
please. Dr Sergeant to theatre.
Oh, hello, dears.
Lovely of you to come.
How are you feeling, Mum?
Oh, not too clever.
One minute
I'm reaching for a tin of soup,
the next I'm lying
face downwards on the lino.
How long were you there?
Oh, not long.
A day or so.
I'm sorry, Mum.
It's funny, cos
I was going to call you yesterday.
You know, for one of our...
our girly natters.
Oh, well.
You weren't to know, my dear.
What did the doctors say?
Well they've given me all sorts
of tests. X-Rays, scans, whatnot.
They're going to come
and talk to me later.
Hopefully won't be in here too long.
I hope so too.
Well,
we better let you get some rest.
Well, I'd like to stay a bit longer.
You know I don't like hospitals.
Yeah, but... Michael.
We're off.
Yeah, thanks for coming.
See you soon.
Dr Lipsey to room 842.
Dr Lipsey, please go to 842.
Oh, I've left my bag in there.
Don't worry.
I'll meet you in the car park.
I'm sorry.
We just spotted it too late.
Oh.
You OK, Granny?
Yes. Yes, I'm fine, thank you.
Good, because I've worked out a way
to steal the Crown Jewels.
Oh, Ben.
It's all about the plumbing.
You see, the tower
has a 500-year-old sewer
running underneath it
and that's our way in.
You're forgetting the place
is teeming with Beefeaters.
I've memorised and timed
all their patrol routes.
And how do
we get into the jewel house?
Drill the locks off the doors?
The Crown Jewels are kept
behind bulletproof glass.
Uncle Derrick. He got me this
chemistry set from the market,
and it has this metal
that blows up when it touches water.
Well, seems like you've thought
the whole thing out.
Well?
Oh, you're not serious?
One last job for the Black Cat.
One last job. Oh.
So, what do you think?
I'm in. Yes!
Ben, there's one small problem.
What? I'm not meant to leave here.
Excuse me.
Mrs Norris.
Mrs Norris!
Hey, there!
Mrs Norris!
You're not a doctor.
I am.
Yes. Yes.
He's got YFS.
What?
Young Face Syndrome.
It's what inspired him
to go into medicine.
I'm 52.
Doors opening.
They discharged me.
Drive!
So, Granny, do you need a couple
of days to get your strength back?
No. No, it has to be sooner.
'Let's do it on Friday.'
'Just think, this time next week
the Crown Jewels will be ours.'
'One last job for the Black Cat.'
'Yeah.'
Oh, you silver-maned menace.
I have you now.
It's Friday night.
You ready, son?
Yeah. You don't have
to pick me up too early tomorrow.
Me and Gran will be playing
Scrabble way into the night.
You're not going
to Granny's tonight.
No?
No.
Oh, he's pretending he's forgotten.
It's the ballroom championships.
Oh.
("Et C'est La Rencontre"
by Frederic Clement plays)
Let's hope Ben
doesn't let my princess down.
As if my little prince would.
Your boy hasn't turned up
to any rehearsals.
He used telephony.
Anything less than straight tens
would be a disappointment.
Yeah, I said that.
Please welcome
your host for this evening,
the star of Strictly.
And he was once a guest
on Saturday Kitchen.
Go wild...
for Flavio Flavioli!
Good evening...
Basildon.
Are you ready to rumba?
No, no, no.
Flavio. He no hear you. I say,
are you ready to rumba?
I don't want to hurt you, Flavio.
I just want to love you.
Ben, we haven't practised once.
I need to ask you a question
and I promise I won't be angry
with you if you answer me honestly.
Have you ever danced before?
Erm...
No.
I hate you.
I hate you.
I hate you!
Superbio.
Please welcome our next
young ballroom superstars,
Florence and Ben.
You're on your own.
Dance.
Well, that was, how you say,
interesting.
Well, let's see what our judges
think about your performance.
Over to you, judges, with the scores!
So you have 0, 0, 0,
which give you
a combined total of 0.
You ruined it for my princess!
Flavio!
He needs the kiss of life.
Get off me,
you nutter!
We need to get out of here now!
Come on. Let's get them.
I'm sorry.
Yes, you're right.
We have done everything for him.
No, you don't deserve this.
Yes, I agree, Linda.
You did go too far with Flavio.
I did not say that.
Where were you?
We said 7!
Granny?
The Black Cat, actually.
Why are you dressed
as a teddy from a card shop?
Mum made me. It's a long story.
Shut it. No time. You ready?
Ready for what?
To steal the blooming Crown Jewels!
Oh, it's the feds.
Hold on, I'm going to floor it.
Go on, Granny, they're catching up.
Come on, Granny,
they're getting closer!
Is this your vehicle, madam?
Yes, officer.
Because we've had reports
of one of these being driven
illegally on a motorway.
Speeds of up to 8 miles an hour.
Two people.
Also illegal.
Wouldn't be you, would it?
Oh!
Have you been drinking?
I had a glass of sherry at Easter.
So...what are you two
doing out so late?
We're going to a late-night rally
of mobility scooters.
Rally of mobility scooters.
And where is this
mobility scooter rally exactly?
Near the Tower of London.
Oh, but don't worry,
we're not going to steal anything
from the Tower of London.
No, that would be wrong.
No, we are going there
purely for
the mobility scooter rally.
Well...
We better be off.
Stop right there.
Let me give you a lift.
Enjoy the rally.
Nincompoop.
Oh, blimey.
Right, so...
..the drain cover
should be right about...
..here.
Oh, come on, Millicent.
Come on, old girl, you can do it.
Oh.
Stop!
Phew!
Do you want to say it or shall I?
You say it.
Let's rock'n'roll!
How long does this go on for?
It's actually one of the longest
stretches of sewer in London.
Well, aren't I the lucky one?
Oh! What was that?
It's probably just a rat.
Steady.
Oh.
Over here. Look. Go, go, go.
Beefeaters everywhere.
They must have put more on tonight.
Don't worry.
I've got an idea.
Quick!
Oh, my stars and garters,
they're beautiful!
Wow!
Back. Back.
Now, here,
squirt on the count of 5, 4, 3, 2...
Ahem!
Your Majesty!
What on earth are you doing here?
I mean, what on earth are you
doing here, Ma'am?
One has a Queen's speech to write...
..and I find it easier...
..to think Queenly thoughts
wearing the right sort of hat.
Hm...
Yeah. That's better.
Now, more to the point,
what are you two doing here?
It... It's quite difficult
to explain, Your Majesty.
Do you have one of these?
They give them to the elderly.
You press that button
and help comes.
Only my one brings the SAS,
so you better start explaining or
it's clicky-clicky, shooty-shooty.
I am solely to blame.
No, it was me who said
we should steal the Crown Jewels.
But it was me
that started this whole thing
when I pretended to be
an international jewel thief.
Pretended?!
My grandson.
He hated staying with me.
I heard him saying how boring I was.
I don't think that now!
No, I know, dear,
but the truth is I WAS boring.
I just ate cabbage
and played Scrabble.
So one night I made up
a story to amuse him
that I was really the Black Cat.
Hang on.
What about the jewels in the tin?
Worthless, dear. Costume jewellery.
Your dad used to play with them
when he was a boy.
Oh, do what you want with me.
Lock me up in the Tower for ever,
but, I beg of you, let the boy go.
He's only 11.
Nearly 12!
What to do?
On the one hand,
one finds the story very touching,
yet, you have committed high treason
and it's so long
since we've had a good hanging...
..but one does understand,
one is a grandmother oneself,
and between you and me,
I know that my own grandchildren
sometimes find me dull.
But you're the Queen!
Tell me about it.
They sometimes forget you were
young once, don't they?
Mmm. You know,
the young people of this country
should give more time
to the elderly.
Yes, yes.
Do you know what happened
to the last man who tried
to steal the Crown Jewels?
He was pardoned.
In 1671, a Colonel Blood was caught
in the very act of robbery...
and King Charles II
found his daring so amusing...
..that he decided
to let him go free.
So in strict Royal tradition,
that is what I shall do.
You may leave.
Thank you. Thank you, Your Majesty.
No, no, no, no grovelling, please.
That's just for work days.
We heard voices, Your Majesty.
Just talking to myself again, boys.
Ooh!
Now, Ben...
..it's been quite a night.
I loved it.
But don't get a taste
for this sort of thing.
Plumbing is your gift.
I know.
Good boy.
We were very lucky
to get away with it.
'Put your hands in the air and step
away from the tartan shopper.'
Thought you could steal
the Crown Jewels?
Well, it's all over.
Only crown you'll be seeing from now
on is the inside of a Crown Court.
If we stole the Crown Jewels,
Mr Parker, where are they?
Stephens.
Washing up liquid bottle.
Air fresheners.
Tin of cabbage soup...
and another tin of cabbage soup.
Mr Parker, this had better not be
another false alarm.
Where have you been all night?
We were at a mobility scooter rally.
HE SCOFFS
If you believe that you'll
believe... It's true.
I gave them a lift there.
But we heard them!
Didn't we, Terrence?
She's an international jewel thief!
Me?!
I'm just a boring old granny.
All elements stand down.
Come on. Wrap it up.
Come on, lads.
Dad, next weekend, can we
PLEASE just play Crazy Golf?
Yes, son.
As long as you let me win.
Oh, I'm cream-crackered. Me too.
I wouldn't have missed it
for the world.
Oh, the joy of being alive!
Are you OK, Gran?
I'm fine, honestly. I'm...
Oh...
Ben...
I lied to you at the hospital.
What?!
Well, what the doctor
told me was that
what I've got...
won't get better.
Now, I haven't got long, but I...
Listen...
Nobody lives forever, hmm?
But...I hope you don't forget
your boring old granny.
Never.
Ben, your dad and I
have had a little chat.
We were wrong
to make you do the dancing
when your heart clearly isn't in it.
And you're not very good.
You like plumbing...
so plumb all you like.
And just take your dance
classes at weekends.
Mum, Dad...Granny's not well.
I know. I spoke to the doctor.
I didn't want to upset you,
and Granny wouldn't want us
to worry, but...
I am worried.
I don't want to lose her.
We'll all look after her
from now on.
Together.
You know what I'll miss the most?
The stories she used to tell.
When I was little, she used to make
up the most amazing tales for me.
Me too.
I'll never forget them.
Did she make up stories for you
about the jewels?
What jewels?
The costume jewels? The ones you
played with when you were a boy.
No...
we never had any jewels
in the house growing up.
I'd remember that.
That's weird. That's really weird.
Thing is, Ben, your granny was
so good at spinning the yarn...
you could never quite be sure
what was made up and what was real.
What happened to all her stuff?
Well, kept all her old photographs
for us to have
and a few other bits and bobs.
Everything else
went to the charity shop.
That's what she would have wanted.
A-ha, Benjamin!
How are you getting on?
OK.
Your grandmother was
a very special lady.
Thanks, Raj.
And in her memory I would like
to give you a free gift.
She loved a bag of Murray Mints,
so...here you are.
Thank you.
It's just the one mint.
Oh.
Go on then. Have the whole bag.
Thank you. 59 pence.
What's this?
Haven't you heard?
Someone left a load of jewels
outside the local charity shop,
in an old biscuit tin.
They say it's worth millions!
A perfect Bengal mahogany.
A spring ball cock, and a £30
voucher for lagging material.
Thanks!
Now, Mikey, unleash the luxury
chocolate assortment,
for it is time for Her Majesty.
'Christmas is a special time of year.
'A time for people of all ages
to celebrate together.
'Recently, I met an elderly woman and
her grandson at the Tower of London.
'I was struck by the great affection
'which spanned the many
years between them.
'So today, I urge the young people
of this country
'to be more like that boy.
'Talk to us old folk, and listen too.
'And remember - just because we're
old doesn't mean we're boring.
'You never know
when we might surprise you.'
'I mean, it's fine
and dandy being Queen,
'but, for all these years,
all I've really wanted to do...
'is dance. Hit it.'
("Skip To The Good Bit"
by Rizzle Kicks plays)
♪ Let's skip to the good bit
♪ Say, say, say, say, say
♪ Skip skip skip skip
♪ So, been here two days long
♪ Still not stepped that stone
♪ Still not moving on, on
♪ Now, let us go
♪ I will take control... ♪
She's good.
I've always said.
Her Majesty should do Strictly.
♪ I like your style
♪ Been watching you for a while
♪ I said, oh yeah
♪ Let's dance and then...
♪ Let's skip to the good bit
♪ Oh!
♪ Let's skip to the good bit
♪ Oh! Say, say, say, say, say, say
♪ Skip skip skip
♪ Skip to the good bit
♪ Let's skip, let's skip
♪ To the good bit
♪ Oh-oh-oh. ♪
Ben, don't talk
about your gran like that.
Well, she is, but your dad's right.
Don't be rude.
Hurry up.
Oh, hello, son.
How's my little Benny?
Hello, Mother. How are you?
Oh, not so bad.
Great, well, gotta go.
Oh, can you not pop in
for a quick cuppa?
Well, I'd love to, but...
Mikey, are you going to
be in there all day?
Linds!
You all right, dear?
Yes, thank you, dear.
Sorry, we've been up to
our eye-balls at the salon.
We've had a rush on spray-tans.
Ben, one of us will pick you up
in the morning at 11.
Could you make it 10?
Son... Well, have fun, you two.
Don't get into too much trouble.
Put your foot down, Mikey.
It's time to...
Start dancing!
I've got your favourite for
your tea tonight. Cabbage soup.
Come on in.
So, how's school?
Hmm, fine.
Good.
How are things outside of school?
The things you're up to
outside of school hours.
Yeah, fine.
Cabbage soup OK?
Fine.
Mm. Good.
Fine.
Oh, you'll be pleased to know
the main course is cabbage pie
with boiled cabbage on the side.
Oh, you polished that off
good and proper.
I'm spraying pine and apple
together to make pineapple.
Well, this is nice.
Want to guess what I'm doing, Benny?
Knitting?
Yes, that's right, young man.
I am knitting,
but what am I knitting?
Another jumper with a kitten on it?
That's right. I can't tell you
what lucky boy it's for.
You'll just have to wait
till Christmas.
("Bolero" by
Maurice Ravel plays)
Well, that's a double word score,
triple letter score.
That's 87 to me.
Oh, it's getting ever so late.
Time for your beddy-byes, young man.
Once upon a time, a little boy
called Benny, about your age,
looked under his bed
and found a magic carpet.
Oh! Sorry, Gran, do you know what?
I'm really tired.
Oh, oh, I know...
you're too old for that sort of thing
now, aren't you?
Silly old Gran.
I'll leave you be.
Nighty night.
'Hello?'
Dad, can you come and get me?
I'm bored.
Ben, this isn't a good time.
We're in the middle cha
of our cha-cha-cha.
You are being very selfish.
I've had a long week.
I've done 152 spray tans.
28 on me.
28 on your father.
This is our time to unwind.
But it's torture here.
I'm sorry. There seems to be a...
...problem on the line.
Granny?
They'll be here to pick you up soon.
Thanks for letting me stay.
Are you OK, Gran?
Mmm.
Oh, your mum's here.
Not stopping. Must be very busy.
Goodbye, then.
I'll see you next Friday.
Yes, yes.
A-ha, Ben, my favourite customer.
I know you're a man who knows
a great deal when he hears one.
I have a very special
one-day-only offer.
What is it, Raj?
24 Cornettos for the price of...23!
That's one Cornetto free of any
charge! Only for my VIP customer.
And what am I going to do
with 24 Cornettos?
Eat 12 now, and put
12 in your pockets for later.
They're not out of date, are they?
So, you're coming here
for your Plumbing Weekly.
I've kept it here safe for you,
and this week there's a free gift.
A U-bend. Cool.
We need a new one of those.
Do you spend all
your spare time plumbing?
Yeah, when I'm not
at my boring old granny's.
Tut tut, and a third tut.
Just because your granny is old
does not mean she is boring.
She comes here on Wednesday
afternoons to buy her
Murray Mints and tissues,
you know, granny equipment, and
we have many interesting chats.
Really?
Oh, yes. There is more to her
than meets the eye.
I bet your granny
has a secret or two.
Old people always do.
Not my granny. See you later.
Is this right for a boy of his age?
No. When I was his age
I was like any normal lad.
Upstairs in my bedroom
trying on sequinned outfits.
Do you remember all those years ago,
when you put your hands on my belly?
We felt those little kicks
and said...
He's going to be a dancer!
What happened?
Ben, are you going to be long?
I need toilet.
Finished! Go and have a manly chat
with him. But I really need to go.
Multi-task!
Cor, men.
So, Ben, we're having a guy chat.
Father to son.
What are we chatting about?
Oh, er, football. Eh, son?
Football.
To be honest, Dad,
I don't really like football.
What? I said
I don't really like football.
Me neither. It's just, me
and your mum are worried.
You spend all your time plumbing.
But I love it, and I want to be
a plumber when I grow up.
Yes, yes, but it's tough
to make it to the very top
of the plumbing world.
You need something to fall back on.
Like what?
Ballroom dancing.
See you later.
See you tomorrow.
Maybe more like 12. Or one.
Benjamin, isn't it?
Hello, Mr Parker.
How's the Neighbourhood Watch?
18 visits in as many weeks.
Any weapons on you?
No.
Nunchuckas? No.
Ninja throwing stars? No.
Bamboo fighting sticks? No!
So, you have spray cans with
which you intend to graffiti-ise
the close. No.
Hmm.
Purpose of visit?
I'm here to see my gran.
The so-called pensioner.
Terrence, camera please.
Look into the lens.
On your way.
Gran? I'm...
You hungry, Ben?
Sort of.
Oh, good, cos I've got
a new cabbage soup on.
To be honest, Gran...
As much as I love cabbage,
you know, I'm a bit...
Cabbaged out?
Yeah, exactly.
And have you got
anything that isn't...
Cabbagey? Let me think.
I might have some biscuits.
There's a tin in the kitchen.
Go have a look.
Try on top of the cupboard.
You all right in there, Ben?
Did you find anything?
Not a thing. Nothing. No.
I didn't find anything
in the cupboard at all.
Never mind. I'll just go stir up
the cabbage stew then.
("Strictly Come Dancing"
Theme plays)
Oh!
Now, Mikey, please rip the
cellophane off the dip assortment.
With pleasure, lady.
Saturday night has begun.
Mum? Shh! It's started.
But it's only the titles bit.
Still! Shh.
Hush!
Dad,
can I go to Granny's
again tonight?
Are you sure?
Let me give her a call.
How long does is take to...
Oh, Hello Mother!
Ben was wondering
if you could come over later.
Oh, really?
Oh, alright.
Goodbye then!
Sorry, Son.
She said she's going out. What?
But she never goes---
Silence! Please.
Flavio is on.
And now let's have a quick chat
with our red hot Latin lover,
Flavio Flavioli.
'Thanks, Claudia.
This evening I am ready to rumba!'
'Ladies, things are really going
to hot up this week.
'Oh, yes, it's a scorchie,
scorchie, burn up the floor!'
No!
Down here. Cameras. What on earth
do you think you're doing?
What are you doing, more like?
I asked first.
I followed you.
I found the biscuit tin.
The one with the j... You mustn't
say a word about that tin.
Or what you saw here tonight.
Promise?
Promise?!
Promise. On one condition.
You have to tell me everything.
Come round tomorrow.
Make sure nobody follows you.
But before three.
It's mobile library day.
OK, Gran.
But...
Gran?
Are you OK, Ben?
We heard a lot of noise.
And why is the window open?
Have you been out?
Of course not.
Well, what have you been doing?
Um, dancing?
My man-to-man chat worked.
As I knew it would.
Yeah, I was really inspired
by whatever it was you said.
I just had to give it a go.
He's got it now.
He's got the bug.
Open the Asti Spumante.
Our boy is going to be a dancer.
Come here, son.
I'm so proud of you.
Yeah. Oh, no, that is a shame.
Oh, how awful.
Yeah, yeah, no,
I'll pass that on right away.
OK, ta-ta.
Ben, I have good news.
I have amazing news.
I have sensational news.
Which would you like first?
Er, the good news?
Ricky Diamond came off
his skateboard yesterday -
broke all his arms and legs!
Are you sure that's the good news?
Yes!
Because it brings us
to the amazing news. Now,
Florence Star
needs a new partner for...
..the Junior Regional
Ballroom Championships!
I don't think I'm ready
for a competition just yet.
Modest. Yes.
The judges will lap it up.
OK. What's the sensational news?
Flavio.
He's got a new puppy!
Aww-w-w-w-w!
You didn't say it was THAT Ben.
He'd better be as good
as you say he is, Linda.
Dancing is in his blood.
He's like me.
That's what worries me.
Excuse me?
I said, "That's what worries me."
Ben will not let you down. Will you?
I hope he's versatile.
Florence is very versatile.
I can dance anything.
I can dance tango, I can dance jive,
I can dance foxtrot.
I can dance swing. I can dance
rock 'n' roll and Lindy hop.
I can dance anything, really.
She can dance anything, really.
She's studying ballet for a week
in Paris next year.
That's in France. Oh, you see?
She's a genius in geography too.
Well, we'll leave you two to it.
Make magic.
Some really "wow" moments, please.
Yeah. Yeah. Can we have some
really "wow" moments, please?
I just said that.
Well, we haven't got long,
so I've made a rehearsal plan.
The thing is, Florence,
I'm so good at dancing,
I like to let my partners rehearse
on their own first, you know?
So they can get up to speed.
I don't need to "get up to speed".
I know every dance there is.
Do you though? Do you know
the quicktrot?
The rumbum?
Can you do the shimmy shammy?
You've made those up.
You learn those and
I'll see you in a week. Bye.
Ben!
Oh, and don't forget
the Spanish otter.
This is amazing.
I was just a girl when it all began.
I was from a very poor family.
Growing up, I'd never even seen
diamonds and sapphires,
rubies like this.
Oh! Look at it.
Buried under the ground
for billions of years.
What a beauty.
Every one of these
has its own story.
What about this one?
Ah, I stole that from
a rich American heiress
when I was working below decks
on an ocean liner.
Wow.
And that one?
From a castle
in deepest, darkest Russia.
It belonged to the last tsarina.
Wow, it's enormous.
What was that? What was what?
I thought someone was
outside the window.
I think your mind's
playing tricks on you.
Now, this is the biggest one.
From a maharani in India, no less.
I had to scale the wall
of their palace.
How? Well,
I climbed onto the back
of an elephant
and shimmied up its trunk,
right into the maharaja's chamber.
You must have half the police
in the world looking for you.
Oh, yes. They couldn't catch me.
But they gave me a name.
The Black Cat.
The Black Cat.
Hold on. So how did you end up
living in a small house
with a broken telly?
Oh, I never sold any of it.
That's the way you get caught.
but when your dad came along
40 years ago, I gave it up.
Had to be a mum, not
an international jewel thief.
Now, how about a nice game
of Scrabble?
What? You can't play Scrabble.
You're like someone
from one of those songs
I'm not allowed to listen to.
You're a gangsta.
It was a very long time ago.
You're a gangsta.
"Gangsta granny".
That's right.
We've got to get you blinged up.
You've got to get with the slang.
So the police are...
Bobbies?
Feds!
("Walk This Way" by
Aerosmith ft Run DMC plays)
Oh, and a "sick tune"
is a good song.
Perry Como.
He dropped some sick tunes.
Get me?
Imma gonna
jack your ice for shizza.
Well good.
Yes, I'm sounding quite
thugged out now.
For real. True dat, cuz.
These must be the most valuable
jewels in the world.
Oh, no. No, I never did get those.
Those? What were they?
It's Mr Parker outside the window!
I can't see.
I'm not going to chokey.
Ben, stall him. What? How?
But don't kill him.
Unless you really have to.
Suspicious amount of jewellery
on your grandmother.
I can explain.
By the power vested
in myself by myself,
I shall conduct a full
search of these premises.
You can't come in here. Why not?
Because...Granny's
doing her naked yoga.
A likely story!
Out of my way.
Madam, I demand to...
Mr Parker, I'm in the middle
of my tree pose.
Yes, but, but, but I mean...
Where are the jewels?
What are you talking about?
Hand them o...
Hand them over, or this will
become a matter for the police.
Oh, fine. And when they get here,
I'll report you.
What for? Spying on old ladies
in their underwear.
But you were fully clothed
when I looked through the window!
That's what they all say.
You've not heard the last of this.
Better put the jewels away.
OK, but first...
Yes, Ben?
You might want to put
some clothes on. Ooh, sorry.
Sorry, Ben. Sorry.
Ben?
Benno?
Ben-Ben!
Benny Ben.
The Ben man!
BEN!
Your mother needs to
talk to you about your outfit.
I don't really need a costume, do I?
You need something with zhuzh.
You need something with pizzazz.
Something that says,
"Everyone, look at me.
Look at me, everyone.
"And now!"
I've had...
I've had one or two ideas.
The love bomb.
Fruit cocktail.
Piano man.
The Quality Street.
Brian Cox's
Wonders of the Solar System.
The Hedgerow Ant Badger.
And, finally,
the Great British Bake-Off.
The recipe for success.
Oh, that's special.
You're special. Oh, stop it.
Can't I just wear jeans
and a t-shirt?
Ben...
The first one then.
The love bomb it is.
Now, I have to make
the trousers more flarey.
Do you think it needs more hearts?
I think it needs more hearts. Yeah.
Dad, can I ask you a question?
What? Nothing too taxing, please.
I was just wondering,
what is the most valuable
set of jewels in the world?
Oh, I know this one.
It was on Pointless.
The Crown Jewels.
Belongs to the Queen.
You got the crown thing...
The ball thing...
The stick thing.
Must be worth a fortune.
Thanks, Dad. Gotta go.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
I'll need you for a fitting.
Florence wants an extra practice.
How do you know? She hasn't called.
Well, when you're dance partners
like me and Flo,
you just know. It's telepathy.
Ooh, OK, Florence,
I'll be right with you.
The binoculars, Terrence.
Make a note of the colour
of his trousers, son.
That's if they are his trousers.
Purloined from
the local charity shop.
Are you OK, Gran?
Yes.
Yes, oh, I'm fine, thank you.
Well, I'm just having a little nap.
Come in.
It's the Crown Jewels.
What's the Crown Jewels?
The ones you never managed to steal.
Oh, that's right.
Oh, yeah, they are the most
valuable jewels in the world.
But stealing from the Queen...
She looks like such a nice lady.
She's got loads of jewels.
She's not going to miss a few.
Now, Ben, listen to me.
I know you like
hearing all my stories,
but you really must forget about
this whole stealing jewels malarkey.
But... No, no.
I've put it all behind me now.
Besides, the Crown Jewels...
It's impossible.
Nothing's impossible
for the Black Cat.
("Don't Stop Me Now"
by Queen plays)
♪ Cos I'm having such a good time
Having a good time
♪ Don't stop me now
♪ I'm having such a good time
I'm having a ball
♪ Don't stop me now
♪ If you wanna have a good time
Just give me a call
♪ Don't stop me now
Cos I'm having a good time
♪ Don't stop me now
Yes, I'm having a good time
♪ I don't wanna stop at all
♪ Don't stop me now
♪ I'm having such a good time
I'm having a ball
♪ Don't stop me now
♪ If you want to have a good time
Just give me a call
♪ Don't stop me now
Cos I'm having a good time
♪ Don't stop me now
Yes, I'm having a good time
♪ I don't want to stop at all. ♪
Off to Gran's. I'm ready.
Bad news, Ben.
Granny's had a fall.
Dr Sergeant to theatre,
please. Dr Sergeant to theatre.
Oh, hello, dears.
Lovely of you to come.
How are you feeling, Mum?
Oh, not too clever.
One minute
I'm reaching for a tin of soup,
the next I'm lying
face downwards on the lino.
How long were you there?
Oh, not long.
A day or so.
I'm sorry, Mum.
It's funny, cos
I was going to call you yesterday.
You know, for one of our...
our girly natters.
Oh, well.
You weren't to know, my dear.
What did the doctors say?
Well they've given me all sorts
of tests. X-Rays, scans, whatnot.
They're going to come
and talk to me later.
Hopefully won't be in here too long.
I hope so too.
Well,
we better let you get some rest.
Well, I'd like to stay a bit longer.
You know I don't like hospitals.
Yeah, but... Michael.
We're off.
Yeah, thanks for coming.
See you soon.
Dr Lipsey to room 842.
Dr Lipsey, please go to 842.
Oh, I've left my bag in there.
Don't worry.
I'll meet you in the car park.
I'm sorry.
We just spotted it too late.
Oh.
You OK, Granny?
Yes. Yes, I'm fine, thank you.
Good, because I've worked out a way
to steal the Crown Jewels.
Oh, Ben.
It's all about the plumbing.
You see, the tower
has a 500-year-old sewer
running underneath it
and that's our way in.
You're forgetting the place
is teeming with Beefeaters.
I've memorised and timed
all their patrol routes.
And how do
we get into the jewel house?
Drill the locks off the doors?
The Crown Jewels are kept
behind bulletproof glass.
Uncle Derrick. He got me this
chemistry set from the market,
and it has this metal
that blows up when it touches water.
Well, seems like you've thought
the whole thing out.
Well?
Oh, you're not serious?
One last job for the Black Cat.
One last job. Oh.
So, what do you think?
I'm in. Yes!
Ben, there's one small problem.
What? I'm not meant to leave here.
Excuse me.
Mrs Norris.
Mrs Norris!
Hey, there!
Mrs Norris!
You're not a doctor.
I am.
Yes. Yes.
He's got YFS.
What?
Young Face Syndrome.
It's what inspired him
to go into medicine.
I'm 52.
Doors opening.
They discharged me.
Drive!
So, Granny, do you need a couple
of days to get your strength back?
No. No, it has to be sooner.
'Let's do it on Friday.'
'Just think, this time next week
the Crown Jewels will be ours.'
'One last job for the Black Cat.'
'Yeah.'
Oh, you silver-maned menace.
I have you now.
It's Friday night.
You ready, son?
Yeah. You don't have
to pick me up too early tomorrow.
Me and Gran will be playing
Scrabble way into the night.
You're not going
to Granny's tonight.
No?
No.
Oh, he's pretending he's forgotten.
It's the ballroom championships.
Oh.
("Et C'est La Rencontre"
by Frederic Clement plays)
Let's hope Ben
doesn't let my princess down.
As if my little prince would.
Your boy hasn't turned up
to any rehearsals.
He used telephony.
Anything less than straight tens
would be a disappointment.
Yeah, I said that.
Please welcome
your host for this evening,
the star of Strictly.
And he was once a guest
on Saturday Kitchen.
Go wild...
for Flavio Flavioli!
Good evening...
Basildon.
Are you ready to rumba?
No, no, no.
Flavio. He no hear you. I say,
are you ready to rumba?
I don't want to hurt you, Flavio.
I just want to love you.
Ben, we haven't practised once.
I need to ask you a question
and I promise I won't be angry
with you if you answer me honestly.
Have you ever danced before?
Erm...
No.
I hate you.
I hate you.
I hate you!
Superbio.
Please welcome our next
young ballroom superstars,
Florence and Ben.
You're on your own.
Dance.
Well, that was, how you say,
interesting.
Well, let's see what our judges
think about your performance.
Over to you, judges, with the scores!
So you have 0, 0, 0,
which give you
a combined total of 0.
You ruined it for my princess!
Flavio!
He needs the kiss of life.
Get off me,
you nutter!
We need to get out of here now!
Come on. Let's get them.
I'm sorry.
Yes, you're right.
We have done everything for him.
No, you don't deserve this.
Yes, I agree, Linda.
You did go too far with Flavio.
I did not say that.
Where were you?
We said 7!
Granny?
The Black Cat, actually.
Why are you dressed
as a teddy from a card shop?
Mum made me. It's a long story.
Shut it. No time. You ready?
Ready for what?
To steal the blooming Crown Jewels!
Oh, it's the feds.
Hold on, I'm going to floor it.
Go on, Granny, they're catching up.
Come on, Granny,
they're getting closer!
Is this your vehicle, madam?
Yes, officer.
Because we've had reports
of one of these being driven
illegally on a motorway.
Speeds of up to 8 miles an hour.
Two people.
Also illegal.
Wouldn't be you, would it?
Oh!
Have you been drinking?
I had a glass of sherry at Easter.
So...what are you two
doing out so late?
We're going to a late-night rally
of mobility scooters.
Rally of mobility scooters.
And where is this
mobility scooter rally exactly?
Near the Tower of London.
Oh, but don't worry,
we're not going to steal anything
from the Tower of London.
No, that would be wrong.
No, we are going there
purely for
the mobility scooter rally.
Well...
We better be off.
Stop right there.
Let me give you a lift.
Enjoy the rally.
Nincompoop.
Oh, blimey.
Right, so...
..the drain cover
should be right about...
..here.
Oh, come on, Millicent.
Come on, old girl, you can do it.
Oh.
Stop!
Phew!
Do you want to say it or shall I?
You say it.
Let's rock'n'roll!
How long does this go on for?
It's actually one of the longest
stretches of sewer in London.
Well, aren't I the lucky one?
Oh! What was that?
It's probably just a rat.
Steady.
Oh.
Over here. Look. Go, go, go.
Beefeaters everywhere.
They must have put more on tonight.
Don't worry.
I've got an idea.
Quick!
Oh, my stars and garters,
they're beautiful!
Wow!
Back. Back.
Now, here,
squirt on the count of 5, 4, 3, 2...
Ahem!
Your Majesty!
What on earth are you doing here?
I mean, what on earth are you
doing here, Ma'am?
One has a Queen's speech to write...
..and I find it easier...
..to think Queenly thoughts
wearing the right sort of hat.
Hm...
Yeah. That's better.
Now, more to the point,
what are you two doing here?
It... It's quite difficult
to explain, Your Majesty.
Do you have one of these?
They give them to the elderly.
You press that button
and help comes.
Only my one brings the SAS,
so you better start explaining or
it's clicky-clicky, shooty-shooty.
I am solely to blame.
No, it was me who said
we should steal the Crown Jewels.
But it was me
that started this whole thing
when I pretended to be
an international jewel thief.
Pretended?!
My grandson.
He hated staying with me.
I heard him saying how boring I was.
I don't think that now!
No, I know, dear,
but the truth is I WAS boring.
I just ate cabbage
and played Scrabble.
So one night I made up
a story to amuse him
that I was really the Black Cat.
Hang on.
What about the jewels in the tin?
Worthless, dear. Costume jewellery.
Your dad used to play with them
when he was a boy.
Oh, do what you want with me.
Lock me up in the Tower for ever,
but, I beg of you, let the boy go.
He's only 11.
Nearly 12!
What to do?
On the one hand,
one finds the story very touching,
yet, you have committed high treason
and it's so long
since we've had a good hanging...
..but one does understand,
one is a grandmother oneself,
and between you and me,
I know that my own grandchildren
sometimes find me dull.
But you're the Queen!
Tell me about it.
They sometimes forget you were
young once, don't they?
Mmm. You know,
the young people of this country
should give more time
to the elderly.
Yes, yes.
Do you know what happened
to the last man who tried
to steal the Crown Jewels?
He was pardoned.
In 1671, a Colonel Blood was caught
in the very act of robbery...
and King Charles II
found his daring so amusing...
..that he decided
to let him go free.
So in strict Royal tradition,
that is what I shall do.
You may leave.
Thank you. Thank you, Your Majesty.
No, no, no, no grovelling, please.
That's just for work days.
We heard voices, Your Majesty.
Just talking to myself again, boys.
Ooh!
Now, Ben...
..it's been quite a night.
I loved it.
But don't get a taste
for this sort of thing.
Plumbing is your gift.
I know.
Good boy.
We were very lucky
to get away with it.
'Put your hands in the air and step
away from the tartan shopper.'
Thought you could steal
the Crown Jewels?
Well, it's all over.
Only crown you'll be seeing from now
on is the inside of a Crown Court.
If we stole the Crown Jewels,
Mr Parker, where are they?
Stephens.
Washing up liquid bottle.
Air fresheners.
Tin of cabbage soup...
and another tin of cabbage soup.
Mr Parker, this had better not be
another false alarm.
Where have you been all night?
We were at a mobility scooter rally.
HE SCOFFS
If you believe that you'll
believe... It's true.
I gave them a lift there.
But we heard them!
Didn't we, Terrence?
She's an international jewel thief!
Me?!
I'm just a boring old granny.
All elements stand down.
Come on. Wrap it up.
Come on, lads.
Dad, next weekend, can we
PLEASE just play Crazy Golf?
Yes, son.
As long as you let me win.
Oh, I'm cream-crackered. Me too.
I wouldn't have missed it
for the world.
Oh, the joy of being alive!
Are you OK, Gran?
I'm fine, honestly. I'm...
Oh...
Ben...
I lied to you at the hospital.
What?!
Well, what the doctor
told me was that
what I've got...
won't get better.
Now, I haven't got long, but I...
Listen...
Nobody lives forever, hmm?
But...I hope you don't forget
your boring old granny.
Never.
Ben, your dad and I
have had a little chat.
We were wrong
to make you do the dancing
when your heart clearly isn't in it.
And you're not very good.
You like plumbing...
so plumb all you like.
And just take your dance
classes at weekends.
Mum, Dad...Granny's not well.
I know. I spoke to the doctor.
I didn't want to upset you,
and Granny wouldn't want us
to worry, but...
I am worried.
I don't want to lose her.
We'll all look after her
from now on.
Together.
You know what I'll miss the most?
The stories she used to tell.
When I was little, she used to make
up the most amazing tales for me.
Me too.
I'll never forget them.
Did she make up stories for you
about the jewels?
What jewels?
The costume jewels? The ones you
played with when you were a boy.
No...
we never had any jewels
in the house growing up.
I'd remember that.
That's weird. That's really weird.
Thing is, Ben, your granny was
so good at spinning the yarn...
you could never quite be sure
what was made up and what was real.
What happened to all her stuff?
Well, kept all her old photographs
for us to have
and a few other bits and bobs.
Everything else
went to the charity shop.
That's what she would have wanted.
A-ha, Benjamin!
How are you getting on?
OK.
Your grandmother was
a very special lady.
Thanks, Raj.
And in her memory I would like
to give you a free gift.
She loved a bag of Murray Mints,
so...here you are.
Thank you.
It's just the one mint.
Oh.
Go on then. Have the whole bag.
Thank you. 59 pence.
What's this?
Haven't you heard?
Someone left a load of jewels
outside the local charity shop,
in an old biscuit tin.
They say it's worth millions!
A perfect Bengal mahogany.
A spring ball cock, and a £30
voucher for lagging material.
Thanks!
Now, Mikey, unleash the luxury
chocolate assortment,
for it is time for Her Majesty.
'Christmas is a special time of year.
'A time for people of all ages
to celebrate together.
'Recently, I met an elderly woman and
her grandson at the Tower of London.
'I was struck by the great affection
'which spanned the many
years between them.
'So today, I urge the young people
of this country
'to be more like that boy.
'Talk to us old folk, and listen too.
'And remember - just because we're
old doesn't mean we're boring.
'You never know
when we might surprise you.'
'I mean, it's fine
and dandy being Queen,
'but, for all these years,
all I've really wanted to do...
'is dance. Hit it.'
("Skip To The Good Bit"
by Rizzle Kicks plays)
♪ Let's skip to the good bit
♪ Say, say, say, say, say
♪ Skip skip skip skip
♪ So, been here two days long
♪ Still not stepped that stone
♪ Still not moving on, on
♪ Now, let us go
♪ I will take control... ♪
She's good.
I've always said.
Her Majesty should do Strictly.
♪ I like your style
♪ Been watching you for a while
♪ I said, oh yeah
♪ Let's dance and then...
♪ Let's skip to the good bit
♪ Oh!
♪ Let's skip to the good bit
♪ Oh! Say, say, say, say, say, say
♪ Skip skip skip
♪ Skip to the good bit
♪ Let's skip, let's skip
♪ To the good bit
♪ Oh-oh-oh. ♪