Game Over, Man! (2018) - full transcript

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Turn my vocals up
A little more, please ♪

♪ A$AP ♪

- ♪ Yeah ♪
- ♪ A$AP ♪

♪ Yeah, a little bit more ♪

- ♪ Yeah, I'm on it, yeah! ♪
- ♪ Woof! Woof! ♪

- ♪ I'm on it, I'm on it ♪
- ♪ Woof! Woof! Ay! ♪

- ♪ I'm on a new level ♪
- ♪ Oh! ♪

- ♪ I'm on a new level ♪
- ♪ Yeah! ♪

♪ I'm on a new level ♪

- ♪ I'm on a new level ♪
- ♪ Uh, uh, yeah! ♪



♪ Bought me a new shovel ♪

♪ Put these niggas in the dirt ♪

♪ Chain with the new bezel ♪

♪ All my niggas put in work ♪

- ♪ I'm on a new level ♪
- ♪ I'm on a new level ♪

- ♪ I'm on a new level ♪
- ♪ I'm on a new level ♪

♪ I'm on a new level ♪

♪ I'm on a new level ♪

- ♪ I'm on a new level ♪
- ♪ Bought me a new shovel ♪

- ♪ Yeah! ♪
- ♪ Put these niggas in the dirt ♪

♪ Used to be sleeping on itchy beds ♪

♪ Bedbugs in the motel ♪

♪ Now your bitch give me head ♪

♪ Twenty bitches in the hotel ♪



♪ On a ramen noodle diet ♪

♪ Tour life wasn't so well ♪

♪ All my niggas starting riots ♪

♪ Mosh-pitting on your toenails ♪

- ♪ I'm on a new level ♪
- ♪ I'm on a new level ♪

- ♪ I'm on a new level ♪
- ♪ I'm on a new level ♪

- ♪ I'm on a new level ♪
- ♪ I'm on a new level ♪

- ♪ I'm on a new level ♪
- ♪ I'm on a new level ♪

- ♪ Bought me a new shovel ♪
- ♪ Yeah ♪

♪ All my niggas put in work ♪

Housekeeping!

Arm yourselves, gentlemen.

Okay, this is the last time
I'm gonna say it, and then I'll drop it.

But what about my jeans club idea?

Right? Twenty dollars a month

for access to over 10,000 pairs of jeans?

Who wouldn't buy that?

Well, almost everybody we asked about it.
Right?

What about my hot-tutor idea?

Kids would study harder
if their tutor was really hot, right?

We just needed to build up
our... our stable of tutoresses.

Yeah, well, maybe when you called them
a "stable of tutoresses"

on the Craigslisting...
that was a bad idea.

We could come up with other names.

The whole point
is that it's a weird concept

to hire women
to take off their clothes for children.

Why am I coming up with the ideas, right?
I'm not the idea guy.

Darren, that's you. You're the idea guy.

I'm the "why." You're the "what."

Baby Dunc, you're the "how."

So let's put it
into high gear right now, baby.

Why? Because our lives suck.

I did my part.
What are we gonna do about it, Darren?

And how are we gonna do it, Baby Dunc?

Let's go! Let's freakin'...

put it into high gear.

Yeah, let's kick it into high gear.
Sell me some salvia.

- I'm about to get high.
- Darren.

Darren, you're a drug addict.
And I'm here to help.

- I got you. There you go.
- Thank you, baby.

Enjoy that.

- Ooh.
- What the hell are you doing, man?

I'm a hustler. "I'm a... I'm a hustler."

I'm basically the Rick Ross
of our friendship tripod.

What's the big deal?

Weed does not do the trick anymore.

- This stuff does.
- Really great.

I'm not gonna become the mom
from Moonlight.

Yeah, no.
I know what that movie's about.

I steered clear of that one.

I'm more of a La La Land guy.

La-la boy.

Bye-bye.

Latro.

- Gonna start tweakin'.
- Yeah.

He's gonna start tweakin'!

Oh, my God.
Look at the size of this dude's load!

- What?
- Look at this thing!

Don't touch it.

That's a heavy hitter.

Whoa. Yeah, no.

It's like Nickelodeon Gak.

- The consistency's thick, like flubber.
- Mm.

Rub some on our shoes,
see if we can play basketball.

I mean, his nut sack must be gigantoid.

- Yeah.
- Right? Just big old sack

- to produce that.
- I don't really wanna imagine

any nut sacks,

but I will say the only thing
that would make me blow a load that big

is a really hot babe, right? I am right?

- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.

I mean, look. They're everywhere, man.

There's one. There's one.

This guy's busting loads
all over this room.

That's what we should be doing.

We should be busting loads into condoms

or maybe even not into condoms
if she's tested.

He's chuggin' champagne
like a freakin' boss!

I'm over here... I'm holding on
to the poop side of this scrubber.

Sure, yes. I've heard all of this before.

We should be wearing diamonds,
collecting albino pythons, dating on Raya.

Raya?

We're not, okay? We're here.

This is our life.

That's still fizzy.
It's pretty good. You might want some.

- What was that?
- Oh, he's tweaking.

Here, here. Grab a condom.
Put it on his face. I'll take a picture.

Oh, you are a dog.

- That's what he gets.
- Oh, my God.

Ooh, we got the snakeskin.

- Don't do drugs.
- No!

- Okay.
- No!

- Put it on his face.
- Take the photo.

- Take the picture. Take a photo.
- No.

I will as soon as you put it on his face.

- I'm not going to. Just take the photo.
- Just put it on his face.

- He'll get an STD.
- All the ejac is inside of the condom.

Take the photo.

Grab it!

The outside, the woman...

she could have one, obviously.

- Well, she...
- Hey!

What's wrong with him?

- Yep. Darren!
- No!

- All right, just stop.
- Darren.

Okay. Joel, I got this. Come on.

You want some salvia? Huh?

Get the fuck out of my room.

Get out, maids.

We're not maids. We're housekeepers.

- Not even that hot.
- Yeah, dude, you're not even that hot.

I was talking about the chick, Baby Dunc.

Yeah, so was I.

It's 2018. You can call chicks dudes now.

- Okay.
- You can.

What the heck are you guys doing?

Hey, dude. See?

Is he high again?

No.

I don't think he's being truthful.
I have to call Mitch.

Wish you wouldn't.

- Don't do that!
- Hi, Mitch.

- It's Cassie.
- Don't do that to your boy.

- Jesus Christ.
- What?

Pick him up. Put him on the cart.

Come on, Darren.
Come on, come on.

Jesus.

♪ Dollar-dollar bill, y'all
Cash rules everything around me ♪

♪ C.R.E.A.M., get the money ♪

♪ Dollar-dollar bill, y'all ♪

So they were yelling at hotel guests
and smoking dope.

- Is that right?
- Yes.

Yelling at guests, screaming obscenities.

Well, Tums... boys will be boys.

You still want that associate manager
promotion, don't you?

Well, honey,
tonight is your chance to prove it.

All right?

Hope you got your balls on, now.

No, I have...

uh, yes, I have giant, uh,
lady... lady parts

that hang like balls.

They're also called ovaries.
Those are inside.

Good, 'cause we have got a shit storm
of a party heading our way tonight.

Boys, I'm gonna need you working too.

Toni... what? Are you serious?

Corky! This is Mr. Ahmad.

He is the personal attaché
of the Bey of Tunisia.

Oh, like the butler from Fresh Prince?

Very neat.

- I'm far from a butler.
- Wonder what happened to that guy.

Oh, that dude's paid.
He's doing fine.

Bey Awadi. The rich dude from Instagram?

This is who we speak of.

Aw, I love that dude.

He takes all the pictures
with the hot models

and the guns and the hovercrafts,

and the hot models shooting guns
on hovercrafts.

Yeah, didn't he poop off the Eiffel Tower?

- Mm-mm, no.
- Yeah.

He paid a man $10,000
to poop off the Eiffel Tower.

That's what's up.

He pays dudes tons of money all the time

- to do, like, stupid shit.
- Wow.

- Dudes.
- What?

We should pitch him the...

We should... pitch in tonight.

At the party. And be a team player.

Also, I should mention, uh, no cameras.
That includes cell phones.

- Privacy... a great concern of the Bey.
- All right, copy that. Give them up, boys.

- What, now?
- Yeah.

Hashtag "right now." What is it
with you kids and the phones? Come on.

You'll get 'em back
at the end of the night.

Okay. Now...

you guys have some place to be?
I bet you do, huh?

So fucking get there!

Oh, hey!

Sack up now, Tums. Big night, right?

Yes!

I can't get in there.

I call her Tums
'cause she relieves my heartburn.

Always been a nickname guy,

even when I was back QB-ing at USC.

Our security team should be arriving soon.

Great.

Hey, wanna go for one?

- No.
- Blue.

- Forty-two! Hut, hut, hut, huh?
- What are we doing?

- Wanna go?
- I don't know what...

All right. Fuck it.

Oh!

Right in the numbers!

I still got it.

I'll race you down there. Come on!

Don't be stingy, papi.

- Kisses.
- You like that?

It's for you.

- Uh, I have to go.
- Okay, bye. Bye, sexy.

Hey. I'm Ray.

Mitch usually has me run security
for these special events.

Uh, but you look like
you know what you're doing.

I'm just here
for the payday, right?

That makes two of us.

Aah!

Donald, get linked up
with our offshore bank accounts

as soon as possible.

Well, you didn't bring me along

'cause I look like the black nerd
from Die Hard...

'cause I don't.

Roger, I'm sick of it.

We need to secure the building
and arm the exits

with our explosive triggers
before we can take control of the rooftop.

So until then,
consider yourselves "hotel security."

And once the Bey gives us
his account access codes

and Donald transfers the money...

we pull out.

Gentlemen... let's move.

Oh, and... someone get rid of the body.

You should grab his ankles.
You're good at that.

- Fuck off, fag.
- Ooh.

You'd seriously wanna pitch
the Bey of Tunisia

one of our million-dollar ideas?

- Yeah.
- If we're pitching an idea...

- We're pitching!
- What are we pitching?

We could go
with my jeans club idea.

Hot tutors.

Medieval Times:
breakfast, lunch, and tournament?

I don't ever wanna hear
about Medieval Times BLT ever again.

Okay, they only do dinner.

We would do breakfast and lunch.
That's two more meals!

We would totally knock 'em out
of the medieval dining space.

Oh, that's a huge market.

Okay, you guys have good ideas?
I wanna hear 'em. I'm excited to hear 'em.

I feel like I'm the only one

crushing ideas out the gate.

Skintendo Joysuit?

Uh, what? No. Baby Dunc...

Yeah, we're going Skintendo. I like it.

All right, you know what?
I hate to be this guy,

but that dude's not gonna invest
in Skintendo.

Not in a million Willenniums.

So, it's like that?

We finally have a shot

to fulfill our childhood dreams

and you guys wanna let it float on past?

It's... like... dat?

I don't know about you,

but I don't wanna be picking up
nut-stuffed condoms

for the rest of my life without knowing
what type of sex they had with it.

Was it missionary? Was it doggy?

Was it doggy butt? Was it side-style butt?
I don't know.

Yeah, Alexxx, we all wanna know
how people are fucking each other, okay?

- Obviously.
- It's obvious.

- Mostly all I think about.
- Yeah, I mean, I can keep going.

- Cowgirl, reverse cowgirl.
- Plow-girl.

- Where you take the legs and you...
- Yeah.

I'm just saying,
we don't have the Joysuit.

Right? There's no screen
to play Lumber Jackson.

- Right.
- Okay.

You ready? Okay, you're the QB.
You're the running back.

Giving you the ball. Run with it.

You need to write down
all the technical mumbo jumbo

so the Bey understands what this thing is.

- Right?
- That's a lot of work.

Darren, I'm gonna get you markers,
a poster board.

You're gonna draw Lumber Jackson

so beautifully... muscles just popping.

Shredded, baby!

And you're gonna draw the Skintendo.
Right? The whole Joysuit.

Make it look pretty, and then I'm gonna
pitch that motherfucker.

- Okay.
- Dollar-dollar bills, y'all.

Boom! Put it in.

Dew'd Crew in full effect!

Finally fulfilling our destiny
of being childhood billionaires.

Let's do it! Hands in.

Everybody put your hands in.
Hands in.

Put your fist in. Put your fist in.

Dew'd Crew!

- I fucking love you guys. I'm so excited.
- Okay.

- Yes! I'll go get supplies.
- All right.

Yeah, just, uh, go get
those markers, man. Sick.

What the fuck was that?

What?

I mean, c-come on.
He's gonna pitch something.

It might as well be Skintendo.

Listen, dum-dum.

We can't pitch any of the upgrades.

We can't pitch the wireless connectivity,
the friend-controller mode.

Because if we do, Alexxx is gonna know

that we've been
working on Skintendo without him.

I'm just sick of working here, all right?

We should've told him from the beginning.

No, no. What?

He would've turned it
into some moneymaking idea,

and that's not what it is to us. Right?

- Right.
- And we're not gonna tell him now,

'cause he'll probably just...

kill himself. Or someone. I don't know.

I can just see him going into a rage
and... biting people. Children.

Bitten children. Blood on your hands.

Fine.

So we pitch Bey, he laughs us off,

and we go back to working on the idea...
together, secretly.

The fuck is that?

- It's a vape pen, Baby Dunc.
- Okay.

Well, you look like a tool
smoking that thing.

Well, I'm not "smoking" it.

I'm vaping it.

Ah, these your boys?

I believe so. Mr. Drothers.

- Mr. Ahmad. We, uh, spoke over the phone.
- Please. Conrad.

- This is Donald. This is Erma.
- You brought your girlfriend, huh?

I'm not his girlfriend.

Noted.

So did you guys, uh, meet up with Ray?

Ray isn't going to make it.

But I assure you, he briefed me.
Thoroughly.

Okay, Conrad.

If Ray briefed you so thoroughly...

he left out the most important detail
of the evening.

No hats.

No hats. I guess the Bey likes
to be the only guy wearing a hat.

Which I get, you know,
'cause I'm a hat guy myself.

But, uh... really, love the Kangol, but...

Maybe call you Kangol-roo.

Uh...

Kangol-roo, huh? How about that?

Come on. Let's go have a party, huh?

Let's have some fun.

I'm gonna dance with you tonight, my dear.

♪ Have a word for your brother ♪

♪ Have some time for one another ♪

♪ Really love one another ♪

♪ It's so hard to find ♪

♪ Have a word for your brother... ♪

Whoo!

Catch me, dudes!

♪ Really love one another... ♪

Yeah, so I met Bey...
uh, he was doing a TED Talk

in Vegas... on being 'bout it.

We had a moment,
and now we're good friends.

Well, we're not good friends, actually.
I w... I would say... acquaintances.

You know what?
I'm hoping to meet him tonight.

Keep your eyes peeled.
The Bey's somewhere here.

Whoa! Oh!
Action Bronson right over here.

Excuse me, Mr. Bronson.
Can I interest you in a pulled pork...

barbecue quesadilla...

with corn relish.

Fuck, that's fuckin' delicious, man.

I'm glad you enjoyed it.

- He spit it out but said it was delicious.
- Yes.

Maybe he's watching his calorie intake.
He is wearing athletic wear.

Ho-ly shit.

There he is...

the Bey.

Oh, my God, he is the man.

Even his little dog
has 100,000 followers.

- Wow.
- Yeah, I don't know,

it looks like he's having fun.

We should probably
just let him do his thang.

Maybe we, uh, hang in the cut?
You know, have him come to us?

"The cut"? There's no cut.

Action's in the cut.

We're not gonna be in the cut if...
whatever.

Let's go. It's game time.

Hey, yo, I had this pet hyena once, right?

Then that motherfucker died. Ehh!

More appeteezees for the Bey.

Then I had that motherfucker stuffed,
put a Fleshlight in back,

and then I fucked the shit out that bitch.

It's like necrophilia
and bestiality in one.

It's hilarious!

That is hilarious.

Pulled pork quesadilla...

- with a corn relish, anyone?
- Yo.

That sounds bomb as fyuck right now.

Throw one into my open mouth.

- Really?
- Yeah, bro.

- Okay.
- Ah...

- Oh, I nailed it!
- Make it rain!

- Makin' it rain!
- Come on!

Oh, that shit was dope.
I'm covered in grease, baby.

- Yo, you're my dude.
- Thank you so much.

And this shit is on punto.

Hey, um...

Bey-Bey, may I ask you a question?

- What that, bro?
- Do you like black people?

Because Lumber Jackson is the first

full-body-controlled
blaxploitation video game ever.

Now, using our revolutionary
Skintendo Joysuit technology...

Excuse me. Step away immediately.

Yo, Ahmad, chill the fuck out, bro.

I'm trying to listen to the man.

- Thank you.
- I'm chilled out.

I arranged this chilled-out party.

I got Shaggy to perform.

Uh, Shaggy?

Man, busted-ass Shaggy
ain't performing shit, a'ight?

And put that dusty-ass BlackBerry away.

This primitive-ass,
prehistoric motherfucker.

I'm sorry, guys, 2018,
this dude ain't got a touch screen?

You big fucking tree.

Goddamn.

What a bitch-ass.

- He's just a butler.
- Yeah, you suck.

Yeah, you got low self-esteem.
Fuck off, bro.

Anyway, you were saying, my dude?

That suit controls
that video game character?

- Yes, actually.
- Oh, yeah.

- And here...
- Yeah, this is the schematics right here.

You know, I built it, programmed it.

Oh, my God.

Bro, please approach us
and just unzip your trousers

and pull that dick out
so we could just see

what the penis head of a genius
really looks like.

- Know what I'm saying?
- Pull your dick out.

Well, to be honest, uh,
it would be my penis head pulled out.

I'm the genius that came up
with the whole concept, the idea.

I'm not gonna pull my dick out.

Oh, okay.
That's a cute little cartoon,

but did you build the motherfucker?

- Yeah, no, we have.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, we built it.

And there's actually
some new features too,

like, uh, friend-control mode,

where, uh, you can actually control
the person wearing the Skintendo Joysuit.

It's... it's revolutionary.

Damn. Oh, yo, yo,
I'm gonna need, like, three of those

for, like, blap, blap, blap.
You know what I'm saying?

'Cause I love fucking white women.
Makes me feel powerful,

especially if I can control them,
you know what I mean?

Yes! I forgot about friend-control mode.
But you know who didn't forget about it?

Sony and Microsoft
when we pitched them this idea.

And they were super into it.
But you know what I said to them?

Fuck y'all!

'Cause the Dew'd Crew
wants to do business with the Bey.

The Dew'd Crew? Wait, wait, wait.
Time-out, time-out.

'Cause y'all drink mad Mountain Dew?

You got it!

Yes, that's exactly right.

- How did you...
- Wow.

Yo, motherfucker, me too! Holy shit, dude!

- You ever fuck with Baja Blast?
- Oh, you know I do. You know I do!

- So good.
- Ah, man...

- Code Red over here!
- This is Code Red boy.

Fuck, I love you guys!

Let's talk numbers.
How much money we talking about?

Bey Awadi. Sorry, this... this feels like

just the sort of frivolous investment
we spoke about not partaking in.

My dude, just because you told me not to,
why don't you "par-take" my checkbook out

and then write these motherfuckers
a check

for 200-frivolous-fucking-thousand-dollars

so they can chase their goddamn dreams?
Am I right? Yezzir.

Oh, and then please scrub out
my hyena's pussy,

'cause I'm trying to fuck that shit later.

You should fuck it.

Treat yo'self. Oh, my God!

Cool. Get the fuck out of here.

- Oh, my God. Yeah. Okay.
- Go. Get out, get out.

We'll talk more numbers later.

- Thank you.
- Bye, take care.

All right, y'all.
I'm spending paper tonight.

It's just the beginning!

Not happening.

Apologies, Corky.
Let's go, boys. Let's go.

Let's go!

Cassie! Cassie! Tums!

Tums, meet me at the elevator.

- Come on, boys.
- But our check.

- Fuck off.
- Yeah, I was just...

Yeah, we're going.

- Get up. Get out of here.
- Ow. Goddamn.

These three idiots just tried to sell
a goddamn video game to the Bey!

I thought I told you to sack up!

I'm sorry. I didn't...

You didn't...
you didn't want that promotion?

Yeah, you made that pretty clear.

Boys! You're fired.

- Yeah.
- No fucking way, Mitch.

He was assaulted.

Out! Out you go!

- We're going.
- Cassie...

- get back to work.
- Yes, sir.

That's quite a stiff arm
you got there, huh?

You all right? Huh?
That paw of yours need a little ice?

- My hand is fine.
- Ah.

Well, how about a little ice
for those nipples, huh?

Oh-ho-ho-ho.

Yeah, you like that, huh?

Oh, that's hot.

Oh, that is hot, lady.

You wanna play?

- I do.
- Okay.

- Oh, I knew it. Oh.
- What about this?

- Yeah. Ooh.
- Mm.

Speaking of stiff...

Not my pecker!

Whoopsie-daisy.

All I'm saying is,

you win some, you lose some.

The key to our jiggy fuckin' lifestyle
is tucked in that butler's pocket.

My name is Alexxx with three Xs.

I'm about to go explosive
on these motherfuckers!

Three X means "poison," by the way.

- Uh, it's also a Vin Diesel movie.
- Shut the fuck up.

Yeah, well, it's also
spicy barbecue sauce.

But I think we all know
I meant it in the explicit fashion!

My darling, have you lost
your fucking mind?

Get him out of here. If they see him
before we secure the build...

Lock down all exits.

We have three waiters on the run
and they know.

Donald, it's time.

Copy that.

Hey, fellas. Bey Awadi's security here.
We just have one question.

What's your question?

- Do you wanna die?
- What?

Whoa, hey, hey.

What, y'all don't pack a lunch?

Man, take these clowns up to the roof
with the rest.

- Okay.
- Let's go.

Easy, man.

Locking down perimeter now.

Attention, all units.
Operation Trespass begins now.

Sweep the hotel.

Lock and arm all exits
with breach sensors.

We are taking over.

- Move! Get down, stay down.
- Hey, everybody be calm!

Just do what they say.
Everything's gonna be okay.

Right? Right?

Oh!

Oh! Oh, shit! Oh, fuck!

Shit. Fuck.

Yo, what the fuck, man?
You're supposed to be guarding the party.

Party's over.

Darren, stop vaping, all right?

- I can't breathe!
- Just shut up! Okay?

As these doors open,
they're gonna be waiting,

ready to cut cocks.

We'll hide. Hide in the shaft.

- Here, just help me up. Help me up.
- What?

- Ow. Just... what are you doing?
- Oh... oh!

- I found the latch.
- Oh, seriously?

- I think I found it.
- Well, go... get in.

Shit.

They climbed into the elevator shaft.

They could be anywhere.
Keep your eyes open.

Gotta just get the thing...

- You said you found a latch.
- No, I said I think I found a latch.

Shut up, Baby Dunc.

Whoa.

No one's there.

Follow me.

Wait, I think we should turn ourselves in.

What? No. Go!

Not turning ourselves in.
That's pussy shit.

They might appreciate the gesture.

Yeah, and they might cut our dicks off.
We gotta get out and go for help.

We're not gonna go for help.
Slide down this rail.

- It'll be badass.
- What?

Yeah.

Oh! Oh, shit.

- I need help.
- That was not badass. Come on!

All exits confirmed as locked.

No sign of the waiters.

They locked the doors
and we don't have our phones!

- We're screwed!
- No shit, Baby Dunc.

We gotta get a landline.

Clear.

- I got two.
- Quick, take 'em up with the rest.

Ándale, bitch.

Let's move.

Tie them together.

One collar per group.

Now, listen up... if you want to live.

These collars are linked to sensors

that we have placed
at every entrance of this building.

Anyone who attempts to enter or exit,

they detonate.

It's fucked up, right?

- You missed me.
- Collect their cell phones

if they still have them.

And if they try anything funny, well...

refrain from killing anyone
unless I tell you.

We're not here to murder.

We're here to collect a toll
from Bey Awadi

for trespassing on American soil.

You ain't touching my stacks, bro.

Really?

"In case of threat of violence
or act of terror,

please do not challenge
or defy assailants.

Comply with their demands at all times."

Did you read that in the manual
or something?

No.

Well, yes, but... who cares?

It gives me everything I need
to keep the hotel in order,

- no matter what.
- This lady just shit her pants.

Is that in the manual too?

I... I did... I did not shit my pants.

I just want to make that clear.

Are you calling me a liar?

No, I'm saying you're very smart
and you're picking up on something.

Maybe someone...
someone did shit their pants.

And I'm not gonna say who.

- But someone.
- Get her out of here.

- Yeah, get her out of here. Damn it.
- Get you out of here.

Oh, it's dripping.

And now it hit my anklet.

And my toe ring.

We are locked down, boss.

And I'm very close
to accessing the offshore accounts.

I know, I know.

"Close only counts
in horseshoes and hand grenades."

I wasn't gonna say that.

The phones are dead.

No Internet either. No Wi-Fi, no DSL.

Jesus, this guy has so many tabs open.
It's stressing me the fuck out.

Guys, they cut the lines.

It's what they do.

It's... what I'd do.

Hey, stop talking cool. Okay?

Clear.

Oh, my God. There's two guys
out there with guns.

- They're coming this way.
- That's it. I'm done.

Wait, what are you...
What's with the pockets?

- I'm showing them I'm unarmed.
- Shut up.

We can think of something.
We can take 'em.

Darren, just think of something.

I can't. I got nothing, man.

- I...
- Fine.

- What are you...
- I got an idea.

I haven't done this in a long time.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

Whoa!

What the fuck?

Look at this freaky fuck.

Hey, Rich, come in here.
You gotta see this.

Jesus.

Rest in peace, you horny bastard.

What's your problem?

I just don't like the way
this job is going.

- Everything's falling apart.
- Ah. Hey, hey, hey.

By this time tomorrow,
we'll be sitting poolside

sipping Coronas in Cabo, right?

I just don't wanna see you getting hurt.

You're sweet.

I love you.

I love you too.

- Yeah.
- Real quick.

Okay, yeah.

Ew, right?

- Stop!
- Sorry. Hey.

Hmm?

You go around,
grab the corner of the sheet...

Psst!

Hit 'em with the lamp!

Wha...

Oh, I am so sorry. I am so sorry.

Are you all right?

Rich? Rich?

- Ow.
- Uh...

Oh! Freeze! Shit.

You just killed the man of my dreams.

- Now you're gonna die.
- No, no.

He's just knocked out. Like the movie
Friday. "He got knocked the fuck out!"

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I killed him.

I'll be your boyfriend.

I didn't do it.

Baby Dunc, are you okay?

I think you killed him.

Sorry I didn't help,

but I got punched in the chest
really hard one time.

We killed the bad guys. My plan worked!

What... hey, stop it!

Your plan didn't work.
You got them horny

and got me 300 kicked in the chest.

- Are you all right?
- I'm fine!

We got these bitches
right where we want them.

- Now we gotta just go through their shit.
- Alexxx, no! No!

Leave their stuff alone.
You're gonna make them madder.

Baby Dunc, what are you talking about?
This is video games 101.

- You kill bad guys, you take their shit.
- It's true.

Like you never played video games.

- Go close the fucking door.
- Okay, yeah.

We got zip ties.

We got a fucking gun.
We got a big-ass knife.

By the way, I get next kill.
You guys are being total kill hogs...

- What did you do?
- Okay, and that is where the trigger is.

- Oh, my God.
- Now we know that.

I'm gonna go put on pants, so...

Oh, yeah, no. Good call, good call,

you're gonna wanna be fully clothed
when you fucking blow your head off, man!

Why are you getting dressed in the closet?

We've already seen
your dick, balls, and butthole.

- You guys saw my butthole?
- A lot.

- I haven't shaved in months.
- Okay, this is it.

I'm stressing out. Alexxx, get back here
and sell me salvia right now, man!

Yeah, Darren,
I'm not gonna sell you salvia right now

'cause we're kind of under attack
from terrorists.

Every time you open that, I see your dick.
We need to get outta here.

We need to get away from bad people.
We need to get help from good people.

If you wanna bail on the Bey
and the Skintendo Joysuit to go get help,

fine, we can do that.

But we gotta do it in a badass fashion,

or we're gonna look
like total fucking pussies.

We are pussies!

- We don't have to look like it, Baby Dunc!
- Don't call me that.

Darren, think of something dope
and badass to get us out.

- What?
- Baby Dunc, implement the thing

that Darren's about to think of. Go.

I'm not coming up with the plan, okay?

- Shit! I thought of something.
- What?

Is it something I can build?

- Yeah.
- Fuck.

Why do I have to be
so goddamn industrious?

Hey, guys?
If you guys thought my dick was small,

it's 'cause the AC
was really blasting earlier.

So that's the reason.

- It's super hot, right?
- It's very hot.

Alexxx, I...

you've got nothing to be ashamed of.

If you... don't pull too much on this one,
'cause then this one gets pulled.

What the fuck, man?

Eagle Eye has been watching you,
Bey Awadi.

The... the U.S. militia faction?
What do they want with him?

Sometimes the government's
politically correct hands

get tied in knots, forcing people
to protect their lands

from unwanted invasions.

"Invasions."

I'm not a fuckin' invader, bro.

I love America. I went to Florida State.

Peep the bill, bro.

I'm here to have fun, fuck,

drink, pop Molly.

What's more American than that, bro?

Money.

Five hundred million dollars
transferred into an offshore account.

Five hundred million?
You are crazy, Mr. Albino Bad Guy.

That's not gonna happen.

He doesn't have that kind of cash flow.

I-it's all tied up in assets, uh, bonds...

Does this free up some of those assets?

I get it.

This is a prank.
It's just kind of dark, man, like...

Knoxville, you can come out now!

No! Steve-O! Steve, you okay?

- Come on, man. We told you we can't.
- Th-th-there is a way.

Oh, dear.

An account a-access code.
Only, uh, he and his father have it.

What the fuck are you doing?

He's playing nice.

Now it's your turn.

I can't, okay?
If... if I give you those codes,

- my dad'll kill me, a'ight?
- What's its name?

Wh... what?

The dog.

The dog?

- Mm.
- Lil Puma.

Little Puma. Hi, pal.

Oh, that's a good boy.

Come to Uncle Conrad.

We have a couple
of those extra breach sensors.

Get them with a corresponding collar.

Be careful with his hip dysplasia, please.

Of course, of course.
You know, I love dogs. Big dogs, usually.

Little dogs not much, but this one

has a great personality.

No, no, no. What... what are you doing?

There you go, Lil Puma. Go get it, boy.

- Oh, thank you very much.
- Don't do it.

Puma, stay. Stay, Puma.

No!

Why is this thing beeping?

Oh, shit!

I must have given you the nine...
which was upside down.

That is my bad.

The lesson still stands.

The account numbers,
or there will be more bloodshed.

Do it, Bey Awadi.

Okay. Okay, clear. Go.

- Ready?
- Yeah.

Zip-tie zip line. Baby Dunc, you genius.

Uh, it was my idea.
You know, I saw the scaffolding.

I said, "Home Alone-style zip line."

- Okay, it's fine. Good work.
- Thanks.

Okay. Are you ready to be Tom Brady?
Because that's what's about to go down.

You're gonna become Tom Brady, Alexxx.

- Fuckin' Tom Brady, dog.
- Yes.

- Yeah, you're Tom Brady.
- Tom Brady, dog!

Yeah, you're Tom Brady.

Shh.

Here we go.

I'm Tom Brady!

- Tom Brady!
- ♪ We the Brady Bunch ♪

- ♪ We the Brady Bunch ♪
- The what? What? Brady Bunch?

Do you think Tom Brady
is in The Brady Bunch?

Yeah, it's the dad, right?

- No.
- No, he isn't.

Oh, I thought that's who we...

He was cool, though. He was really cool.
He had a hell of a... arm.

Okay, why don't you just show us
how my zip line works, Joel?

- Yeah.
- Right, right. Um...

Okay, so basically,
I rigged up this ironing board,

- like a harness.
- Right.

And then you kind of use it
like a hang glider. Okay...

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Kevin McCallister would be proud.

Maybe even Tom Brady.

- Don't talk about Tom Brady.
- Who's he?

- Just don't talk about him.
- All right.

Quarterback.

Here's what we're gonna do.

We are gonna shoot rock, paper, scissors
to find out who goes first.

Okay, but no "two out of three" bullshit.

- Whoever wins wins.
- Right.

- Fair and square, right? Okay.
- Yes, yeah.

Rock, paper, scissors, shoot.

- Yes.
- Fuck!

- Thank God.
- Fuck!

Let's go again. Two out of three.
Let's be fair.

- What? You just said...
- No, do not do this, okay?

It could've happened to any of us,
just happened to you.

Yeah, maybe, or maybe hella long ago,
you guys were like,

"If we ever do rock, paper, scissors
with Alexxx, we should shoot paper."

Because two guys shooting paper,
that's suspect.

- I can't...
- Yeah.

Okay, just forget it.
Let's shoot again.

- What? No.
- Yes, thank you, Baby Dunc.

- How about, don't be a sore loser?
- Don't call me a loser.

Hey, guys, stop fighting.

We'll make a dummy and do a test run.

- We have a dummy right here.
- No, we'll just use one of the dead bo...

Oh, my God!

Oh, God!

A little help.

Help!

Oh, fuck.

Hey, give me half your Which Wich.

Well,
if I wanted to eat a half a sandwich,

I'd have brought half a sandwich, Chet.

Think you're pretty smart, huh?

You the one installing
a seven-layer firewall

to mask a $1/2-billion transaction
at the world's third-largest bank

using only your wife's tablet,
or is that me?

Oh, that's right. It's me.

- Way to go, Baby Dunc.
- Huh?

What? You... This is your plan!

No, I said, "Home Alone-style zip line."

This is Home Alone 3 at best.

We were supposed to look cool as shit
coming out of the window,

doing a badass exit.

Now we look like a bunch of losers
hanging up here.

Oh, God.

- What the fuck?
- The police!

Hey, we're up here!

Thank you so much. Thank you, God.

Police! Yeah! Holla! Hooty-hoo!

- Oh! Oh, shit.
- What the fuck?

- Oh, my God.
- What are you doing up there?

There are people in the hotel with guns!

- No!
- Shooting people!

- You're all fuckin' pigs!
- Get us down!

Fuck you, copper!

They're here to help us.

We're not gonna look cool as shit
getting saved by the LAPD.

Do you even listen to Kendrick Lamar?

Are there people up there with guns
or not?

Yes, there are! That is one right there!

He is a man with a gun.
He tried to cut off our dicks.

Oh, fuck you.
You wish I touched your dick.

We're coming up there.
What room number is that?

- Nine seventeen!
- We're coming up there now!

Don't fucking move.

LAPD. Open the door.

Are you aware you've got three waiters

hanging outside the ninth-floor window?

Sir, walking away from a cop
is a bad idea.

I will arrest you for obstruction.
Open the fucking door!

Shit.

Officer down! Officer down!

Hank, I need backup!

I got you, Danny. I'm calling for backup.
I'm coming right now.

- Stay there!
- No! No, no, no!

- Don't leave us up here.
- Guys, it's too late. Okay?

Let's wiggle our asses back in there,

kill some bad guys,
and get our fucking check back.

I'm not risking my life for the check.

Why not? It's our dreams, right?

No! The check is your dream.
My dream is just working on Skintendo.

But now you can!

And we are! Okay? We have been!

- Baby Dunc...
- Without you!

Oh, what the fuck?

Band-Aids and butter beans! We're online.

Conrad, we're online.
Awaiting an access code.

Speak clearly.

And speak quickly.

Fuck. Fuck!

Fifty-three...

Twenty-two...

Zero two...

Zero two...

- Thirty-three...
- Thirty-three...

- Sixty-nine.
- Six-nine.

I want verbal confirmation
from you, Darren.

Are you working on the fucking game
without me?

Affirmative.

You motherfuckers!

I'm gonna wiggle us back in there,
you backstabbing bitches!

Sixty-nine, 420, 69.

- I'm serious!
- Sixty-nine, 69, 69.

Oh, shit!

What the fuck?

Conrad, hold on.

Shit.

We've had a breach.

Oh, God.

Sixth floor, security room.

What do you mean? Who... who is it?

Who the fuck are you? Huh?

Huh? You SWAT?

Are you SEALs?

Transporters?

Answer me right the fuck now,
or I'll plug you in three seconds.

Uh...

- One...
- No.

Please.

- Two...
- Please.

- No!
- No, no. Wait, wait, wait...

Three!

Oh, fuck.

Oh... oh, my God.

I'm a genius! I wiggled us back in.

Whoo!

Donald, kill them
and then enter the code.

You do have the code, right, Donald?

Donald?

Donald?

There's a cop at the lobby door.
We shot him.

But he got away.

Why are you looking at me like that, huh?

You're the sneaky fucks.

The backstabbers,
the betrayers, the Judas...

Judases? Judas?

The one that betrayed Jesus? Judas, right?

Yeah, you're the fucking Judases.

Let's stop with the name-calling, guys.

- Backstabbers.
- Great.

Okay, guys, new rule: always double-check

that dead bad guys
are actually dead bad guys.

Holy shit!

This is a dead bad guy!

I don't know, I feel like my dead bad guy
is way worse than your dead bad guy.

"My dead bad"?
That's not your dead bad guy.

These are just dead bad guys.

Looks like a human-sized
ketchup packet exploded.

- Damn it.
- What?

Computer's busted. I can't get online.

Yeah, he is full-on spaghetti
and meat sauce down here.

- Guys. I found a phone.
- What?

Wait a second.

Why does the dead bad guy
have this dude's number?

- Who?
- What are you, a fucking owl?

Yeah, I would love to be an owl, Darren.

So I could soar off into the night
hella majestically.

Wait, you have a phone?
You have to call for help.

Shh. No.

I think he just screened me.

He screened the dead guy.
Don't take it personally.

Shut up. Voicemail.

Hey, this is Darren and Joel.

Yeah, I'm here too, so...

And Alexxx.
The, uh... the Dew'd Crew from the roof.

- Remember?
- Say "Skintendo."

We are calling
to find out what's going on.

There's, like...
people shooting and stuff.

Please give me a call back at this number,
uh, when it's a good time for you.

Okay, give me the phone.

- We'll talk then.
- It's not a conference call.

We're not waiting for him to call back.

You didn't even bring up
the two most important things:

the Bey and, I don't know,
how about the fucking check?

- Come on.
- The check.

Mention a dead body. That'd be nice.

Been a while since I've left a voicemail.

I'm gonna call him back, so...

It's rude to just call right back.
You leave a message,

- let them call you back.
- Darren...

Ahmad, you dumb fuck.
You gotta call somebody, yo.

- Fuck the police. Except for right now.
- You're gonna get us killed.

You didn't turn it in.
You're putting everyone's lives at risk.

I'm sorry, is there something
we should be discussing?

No.

Hold up.

Why aren't you taking his phone?

No, I don't see any phone.

Um, you guys just be quiet over here.

Your fucking creepy blue eyes
don't see the phone lighting up

in his pocket right there?

Also, it's making a noise.
It's going, "vuh, voo, vuh."

It's over!

Cut me free. Now!

Wait, wait, wait.
Hey... this is not my fault.

Erma derailed the entire operation
the moment she got here.

And has anyone noticed her accent?

The German accent? It's fake!
She grew up in Pacoima!

Come on. She's a lunatic!

Is this true, Erma?

Yeah, I'm a lunatic.

No, no, no. No. Give me...

- Give me the gun.
- Gladly. See, told you.

- I mean, what was I supposed to do?
- Right.

Kill her. Like this.

Lovely.

Honestly, did not know
I was gonna do that.

This whole thing was you?

Mm, giving orders the whole time

from the... "dusty-ass BlackBerry"
in my pocket.

Physical keyboards
aren't so stupid now, are they?

Nah, they're still dumb as fuck,

and you still got atrocious-ass halitosis,
but I'm surprised.

Yeah, well, at least my breath
doesn't smell like old-ass hyena pussy.

Oh, God.

- Hello, Donald, you cheeky sausage.
- What?

No, I think that Donald guy's dead.

He either was sucked out of a window,

or he choked on a computer.
So what's going on up there?

- Speakerphone.
- Who is this?

- Speaker.
- I'm going on speakerphone.

- Dew'd Crew here.
- Hey.

Lumber Jacks...

- What? Uh, hi?
- How's the Bey doing?

Wait, why do you have this guy's number?

Wait, are you a bad guy too?

Well, I suppose so, yes.

But, um, you have just forced me
to become... unmistakably evil.

Oh, fuck.

I'll take the access codes now.

Nah.

Sorry, motherfucker. Can't do it.
That dude? I didn't know him.

Shit, he might've let me live
if I gave him the codes.

But you? Fuck you.

I know if I give you the codes, I'm dead.

And I know why.

'Cause I made you eat that hooker's booty

at my birthday party, isn't it?

This motherfucker ate a hooker's booty.
You had crabs in your teeth for a week.

Remember shoving your face

right up in that crab-infested
booty hole, bro?

'Cause I do, you fucking loser.

You dumb fucking fuck-hole.

- You fucking suck.
- Very well.

I'll acquire my compensation another way.

And while I wait to get paid, I'll...

torture you. And kill you.

Erma! We are sending a video
to the United States government.

Oh! Also... bring me Shaggy.

What the hell's going on?

The fucking butler?

Hey, guys, check it out.

Whoa.

Pigs brought the whole farm.

- Yeah.
- Turn on the news.

Turn on the news.

Okay.

Steve-O!

- There, there, there.
- Steve-O!

Give me that mic. Give me that mic!

Steve-O, if you can hear me
in the spirit world...

I love you, brother.

It should've been you!
It should've been you.

You. And Channel 8.

Uh, okay, I'm... I'm just being told
we've received a video

from the terrorists.

Warning: what you're about to see
may not be suitable for younger viewers.

Good evening.

As you probably know, I've taken control
of the Level Hotel, Los Angeles.

I had intentions of only taking money

from a disrespectful
and arrogant billionaire child...

but that was derailed
by some idiotic waiters.

Are we the idiotics?

No, stupid. We're maids.

So now I'm holding 106 hostages
until I receive $500 million

and a helicopter,
which I will fly out of the U.S.

and release... the remaining hostages.

Oh, I should add: any breach
of this building will trigger...

an explosive collar,

creating a mess no one wants to clean up.

Additionally, I will kill one hostage
every 15 minutes

to ensure prompt payment, starting... now.

Oh, shit. That's hot.

Bro... listen, man, listen.
We brothers. We brothers.

We're supposed to be brothers, man!

I could get you Stacey Dash's number.

Oh, shit!

No, no, no, no. What?

As you can see,
I'm holding up my end of the bargain.

I hope you do the same.

And now, on a lighter note,
another must-see TV moment:

a very chill performance... by Shaggy.

- Yeah, uh...
- Don't kill Shaggy. I fuckin' love Shaggy.

- What is happening?
- Don't kill Shaggy. Don't kill Shaggy.

I wanna do this song that I wrote
for the earthquake victims of Haiti.

- Sing "It Wasn't Me"!
-Uh...

Dude, that's not really appropriate
for... for what...

No one wants to hear
that Haiti shit!

Okay? They want "It Wasn't Me."
I want "It Wasn't Me."

Sing "It Wasn't Me."

- Sing it!
- Shaggy, please!

Sing it, Shaggy!

♪ H-honey came in
And she caught me red-handed ♪

♪ Creeping with the girl next door ♪

♪ Picture this, we were both butt-naked ♪

♪ Bangin' on the bathroom floor ♪

♪ How could I forget
That I have given her an extra key? ♪

♪ All this time, she was standing there ♪

♪ She never took her eyes off me ♪

♪ How ya fi give the woman
Access to your villa? ♪

Shaggy goes on to finish the song
and is unharmed, as far as we know.

Round everybody up! We're going inside.

Shag, too soon, but I'm out.

Yeah, yo, by all means.

What's the nearest room
that can accommodate us?

Uh, the conference room.

But, ooh, it's dressed
for a convention tomorrow,

so if you don't mind, I would appreciate
if we just stayed upstairs,

not to mess it up.

- Take everyone to the conference room!
- Okay.

Come on, let's move.

I don't herd cattle.
I'll be hunting waiters.

Bilbo, Dildo, you come with me.

You don't ask for respect, little girl.
You take it.

Move it, ladies.
You got legs. Use 'em.

- Move it, people.
- What the fuck is the holdup?

- Everybody out.
- Keep moving! Let's go!

Come on!

Darren, look.

They're going inside.

So what?

So they're contained.

You can't contain machine guns, Darren.

How much salvia did you smoke?

Shit, how much more do you have of that?

I mean, there's a lot here,
but it is covered in glass.

Not the sandwich, your salvia. How much?

Oh, so now you want my help.

Hmm, sure.

Grab those guns and follow moi.

You got glass.
You got glass in your hair.

I'm flippin' keys.

Well, not yet, actually.
I've got some serious rebranding to do.

Turns out salvia isn't a very sexy drug
and no one likes it except for Darren...

and, weirdly, the JV softball team.

- Those girls get fuckin' wild.
- Okay, yeah, whatever, man.

- This is perfect. This is great.
- Okay.

Alexxx? Do you live here?

Because it looks like you live here.

I don't live here.
No, you know who I think lives here?

Josué.

Yeah, the maintenance guy?
That guy's... that guy's a weirdo.

Yeah, like I was saying
about the rebranding...

um, you know, like the Marlboro man,
but this is "Uncle Sal."

Sal-via? Get it?

Dude, there's, like, a "Buffalo Bill went
to Costco" amount of lotion over here.

- Pfft. Hey, the salvia's back here, so...
- Yeah, yeah.

Oh! And what is this?

This is an oil painting of you on a throne

with money hanging out of your pockets

and a bunch of tits
hovering around your head.

Seems like he... he's a true artist
for real, but...

that is weird, admittedly.

- Salvia is this way, so...
- Yeah, okay.

So Josué is up here painting you and...

beating off to a porno parody
of your favorite childhood movie, Flubber?

"Flubbher." That's funny.

- Hmm.
- Hmm.

Huh.

Fine! Yes, I live here, okay?
I jerk off up here. I paint myself here.

I jerk off while painting myself.
Is that what you wanted to hear?

- Jesus Christ.
- This isn't that bad.

I'm saving up all the money,

so I'm gonna buy a Maybach
in like six years.

I'm an adult homeless man
stuck in a balling-ass body,

but I put my pride aside

and took you to my grow house
to save the fucking day.

- So you're welcome.
- Well, it's a grow closet at best,

but it's definitely enough salvia
to hotbox the whole conference room.

I mean, we can knock them on their asses,
take their weapons, lock them in.

- We could kill 'em.
- No, not kill them.

What do you mean?
You guys already got a kill.

I haven't gotten a kill yet, so it's...
it's kind of fair that I'd get one.

You can have my kill.

I don't want your kill. I want my own.

Look... I like this plan.

Cool, good. We gotta figure out how to get
the smoke into the conference room.

I'm thinking the maintenance breezeway.
The vents there?

If we can go in the ducts...

No, I don't... I can't.

Figure it out. Look at all this.

- Build something, man.
- I mean,

there's a ton of lotion.

What, we should just jerk the goons off
into submission?

Just build something, man!

This is a trash heap.
There's nothing I can use here.

Yeah, this is all my belongings, so...

Hold on.

I got it. I got it! I'll draw it up
so you know what I'm talking about.

Oh, the wheels are turning!

All right. So what do I get to do?

You? Oh, nothing.

You just stay out of the way.
Okay? You've done enough.

On your feet!

On your feet now!

- Ooh, tough guy.
- Shut up.

- Shut up!
- Yeah, you smell bad.

What, did you shit in your pants?

Shit.

Wow, wow. You think I'm scared of you

'cause you got a gun in my face? Fuck off.

Bet you think you're gonna buy respect

with all that money too, huh?

Well, it bought you respect.

What, you think these people like you
because they follow you online?

You know, half his followers are bots.

Okay? He's not as famous as you think.

Yo, point is, I blow their fucking minds.

All you do is hate and take.

Well, um... why don't we...

"blow their minds" now?

You there. Bring him over here.

I didn't do anything. What's going on?

Oh, no, no. Jesus... oh, God.

Please don't hurt me.

My intentions are to do
quite the opposite.

Strip his pants. Bend him over the table.

No. What the fuck?

What...? No.

Oh, Jesus.

Let me up.

You made me eat that...

hooker ass.

Yeah.

Now let's see you muster any respect

after you toss this fat fuck's salad.

Whoa, whoa. Ahmad! Ahmad.

Whoa, it's so dark.

Do it, or he's a dead man.

All right, I just wanna say
one thing, dog.

Didn't have to be this way.

Oh!

Stop...

What the fuck? Ooh, what the fuck?

- Yeah.
- Ooh. Wait... wait, okay.

Whoa. Are you guys seeing this?

Do you see this? Bey's eating my ass.

I'm getting my salad tossed by Bey!

Someone 'Gram this!

- Right, enough...
- I'm not done, motherfucker!

All right, stop it! Get him up. Up.
Enough, enough!

Just a little bit longer.

What happened?

You tried to embarrass me?

I done fucked 10,000 women.

You don't think I ate a grip
of dude-booties along the way?

Yeah-yeah!

You may not be able
to feel embarrassment. I get it.

But prepare to feel suffering.

Let's try this again.

Bring me the correct
corresponding breach sensor.

Oh, I-I hope he can swim.
Ah! Oh!

- What...
- Oh, oh, oh.

- What the fuck, man?
- Squat.

Okay.

These. We know what these do.

- No. Ahmad, Ahmad...
- Yeah.

Oh, oh.
Oh, is that... yeah.

Lower.

Lower.

Perfect.

Fuck, they got Chet!

How the fuck is that possible?
They're fuckin' waiters.

Weren't you just

a fucking garbageman a few years ago?

This way.

I don't really appreciate you putting
my résumé in the street like that.

Tell me you were driving

- the fucking truck.
- Fuck you, man.

- That should do it.
- Good.

All right, so we patch into the air duct.

We hit the switch. We wait 30, 45 seconds.

Until the bad guys pass out.
We zip tie them, take their guns,

and free the hostages.
I know. It's my plan.

Okay, cool. You can have a sticker
or something.

- What are you doing? Come on.
- Sorry.

All right, pick a gun.

No, no. I am not using a gun.

All right? My brain is my weapon.

And it is fully loaded, sir.

Okay, fine. Then you wheel the cart.

What did I say?
Please don't do that, okay? Just...

grab the extension cord.

Let's go.

- You feeling tired yet?
- Fuck you.

You're like the worst Bond villain ever.

You might as well just kill me, 'cause...

I ain't gettin' tired.

Well, Lil Puma
looks kind of tuckered out.

Maybe we should put him out of his misery.

Wowee!

Now, that... that was fun. Oh, God.

Take respect.

- Don't ask.
- Yeah!

- Take.
- Oh!

Did you see all the fuckin' blood
in that water?

How much blood was in that dog?
It's like a fuckin' bloodhound!

All right, mister!

I think we have all had just about enough!
Right?

Your treatment of our hotel guest
is unacceptable,

not to mention your complete
and utter disregard for hotel property!

And you killed the little rat puppy!

As acting manager of the Level Hotel,
I am telling you,

this ends now!

Oh, God.

Just... There you are.

That's better.

Look at the time.

It appears the U.S. government
doesn't care about you.

In 60 seconds, someone will die.

But, uh, I think I'm done with killing.

For a little while, at least, um...

Don't talk.

- You.
- Oh, shit.

No. Babe.

Do something. Volunteer as tribute.

- Do something!
- Up.

Do something! Oh, God. Okay.

And...

No way. You.

Cut them free, please.

Step forward.

Now...

fight to the death.

What? No.

I'm sending this... Oh!

To the news next.

- Look, I'm not killing her.
- Okay.

One of you kill the other...
or I shoot you both.

Look, anybody who can see this,
I don't wanna do this!

I am not a murderer!

You got that right!

- Christ.
- Shit, I killed him.

J-Joel...

Now, that's what I call television.

But let's not do it again.

Bring me my money, my helicopter.

- Did they put the money together yet?
- Just now.

Tell 'em to get the chopper up now.

Yes, sir.

Hey, dude. Keep it down.

Hey. Hurry the fuck up.

Okay, do you want me to be fast or quiet?

'Cause that guy's about to kill somebody.

Come on, go, go, go, go, go, go.

Come on, come on, move it.

It was just working. Oop.

You're gonna die so fast compared to me.

Okay. It's ready.

- I got the torch. Need a lighter.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Here.

Okay, just hand it to me. All right.

And, uh, plug in the fan.

- Hurry!
- I'm going to. Where's the extension cord?

Oh, was I supposed to bring that?

Yeah, I said bring it.

Yeah, well, you also said
you didn't need my help.

Then you cut me out of the Skintendo.

So, I don't know,
I guess I was just a little confused.

- Alexxx, no.
- Dude.

Please do not be a complete piece of shit

and tell me you brought
that extension cord.

Mm-mm-mm.

You're playing games because
we wouldn't let you be in charge?

Dude, those people are counting on us.

Forget it. It's fine. Just... you're gonna
have to build a longer tube,

some kind of conduit.

Just get some more fucking...
grocery bags or...

- Uh...
- No, no, no.

Fuck you.

You are so fucking selfish,
it's disgusting.

I'm serious when I say this,
as maybe a friend,

but you better... watch your back.

Dude, you watch your back.

- No, dude, behind you!
- Watch your back!

Fuck!

Don't shoot them, you idiot.

They're mine.

Damn it.

Well, well.

Looks like Little Miss Tough Girl
ain't so tough anymore, is she?

We gonna have some fun.

- Split up!
- Split up!

Shit! Go this way!

- No!
- Oh, shit!

What are you doing? Split up!

- Yeah, we did!
- I meant all of us.

I need a minute, man.
I got to take a little trip somewhere.

What? Oh, fuck no.

You're gonna smoke salvia
while we're being hunted by murderers?

That's right. Know why?

'Cause I don't wanna know
I'm being hunted by murderers.

Oh, yeah, suck it down, you fuckin' sicko.

What about Alexxx, man?
We got to find him.

Shit!

Get ready to be my first kill!

Yeah? Be prepared to be my millionth.

Yeah, right!

If you'd said nine or ten,

I'd be like, "This guy's a murderer,"
but a million?

It's way too many!
That's too many murders!

No!

No!

Oh, God!

I'm gonna fucking kill you,
you son of a bitch.

My bad.

Oh! I'm so sorry!

I'm sorry! I don't want to!

Fuck you!

Follow me.

Great. Back in El Jizzblaster's room.

- So what now?
- Nothing.

Okay? We're done.

You ruined our best shot
at ending all this.

Fuck you!

Okay, good. You're fired up.

So I won't take that personally.
Now let's use that energy...

Alexxx, take it personally.

We're done following you around for good.

Whatever. You guys are doing A-okay
without me, right?

Working in secret
on the Skintendo Joysuit?

How long has that been going on, huh?

Jesus Christ. Years.

I can't believe I followed
a loser like you around for years.

I'm not a loser!

Whoa! Hey! No!

You just shot at me?

I shot near you, bitch.

Okay.

Me too, then.

You son of a...

Guys! Stop.

Shut up, Baby Dunc.

My name is Joel, you idiots!

Oh, shit! Oh!

Oh!

Oh, I wish this were fucking loaded, dude,

'cause then I would put it there
right through your skull!

Well, if this was loaded,
I'd come sideways on you like ka-kow.

Really? 'Cause it'd come out
the other side, and I'd just suture it up.

Oh, okay, well, then my gun
has a bayonet on it,

and I'd, ugh, un-suture your face!

Oh, really?
Guess what. I got more sutures.

- Suture, suture, suture.
- What, motherfucker? You spell "suture"!

You spell "suture"!

I'm doing this too.

I wish this were fuckin' loaded, dude.

This is loaded.

Rich to Mr. Ahmad. I found those waiters.

We're housekeepers.

Perfect timing. Bring them to
the conference room. I'll kill them next.

Too late. They're already dead.

Oh, good.

Erma got them?

No, me. I'll be up in five.

Mr. Ahmad. There's a chopper approaching.

You guys look exhausted.

Let's hit the spa.

Move!

I've been waiting for these pics
for a long-ass time now.

Yo, the guys are gonna love this.

You look motherfucking insane.

Come on, that shit is funny. I know
you got a big-ass dick on your face,

but hey, poo-poo head?

- That's some funny shit right...
- Mm-mm.

I thought that shit was funny.

Okay, okay, okay.
You hate America.

Man, I get that.

Slavery, drones,

they just discontinued
the KFC Double Down out of nowhere,

but, like, come on, man, we're good guys.

I'm here for the money.

And after this job, Jared and I
were finally gonna get away from it all.

Is that the, uh... the guy upstairs?

- Yeah, it's the guy upstairs.
- What is that?

What is that?

You don't know what it's like
to lose someone like that.

I do.

I pushed them away myself.

Oh, fuck.

Don't fuck with me, asshole.

I'm just getting started.

Now, you know what?
Let's relax a little bit.

Let's turn these off.

There you go.

Now...

What's next on your spa menu...

Have you guys ever had...

a lava stone massage?

No.

We're maids, man.

We can't even afford a lava lamp.

Oh, they're fabulous.

Oh, this is gonna feel so good.

For me.
It's gonna really, really hurt you.

No. No, no, no!

- Oh, yeah!
- Fuck!

Let's get out those knots!

- Stop it! Just stop! Stop doing it.
- Stop!

Please. We're sorry
we killed your friend, seriously.

My what?

- My what?
- Your friend.

My friend?

- You sound like my dad!
- Okay.

He wasn't my friend!

He was my everything!

Ow!

Hey, fuckface!

- Alexxx, stop. What are you doing?
- No, no, no, no. Fuck this crybaby.

Oh, why you being
such a fucking cwybaby?

"Ooh, my lover's dead."

You know what you should do?

Take your own dick,
shove it up your own butt,

impregnate it, have a butt baby.

You know what I'd call him?

Jared Jr.

- Hey, fuck you.
- Fuck you.

You just earned yourself a deep tissue.

This guy and the fucking puns, am I right?

Oh, my God.

♪ You fucked up
You fucking Nazi whore ♪

♪ Well, you dicked me over ♪

Alexxx, look.

♪ You fucked up ♪

♪ ...you bitch
You really fucked up ♪

Ohh!

Am I dead?

Is he dead?

Ew.

This dude definitely
just shit himself, didn't he?

Yeah.

That was a really good idea
about the oil spill.

Yeah, thanks. I wasn't, uh, sure
what your plan was, but yeah.

Yeah, I didn't really have a plan, per se.

I mean, it is me, after all, so...

I just wanted to do something selfless
for you guys for once.

Yeah.

And that's what you bring
to the table, man.

When we're ready to just lay down and die,
you step up.

I would cry if it wasn't such
a bitch-ass thing to do.

So I'm not going to.

- Don't cry.
- Do not cry.

Got this.

But I will let you guys know...

that I fucking love you, dog.

- I really love you.
- Darren, I fucking love you.

Count me in.

What's up?

- And also with you.
- Take it, just take it.

That's fine. I'm okay with you repressing
your emotions for now,

because I understand
the type of upbringing that you've had.

And just know
that if we make it out of here alive,

I wanna see those upgrades.

I wanna be that dude that...

that helps you guys
get your ideas made.

I wanna be the fertilizer. I am the shit.

And you guys are the little idea seeds
that are gonna be planted within me,

and we are gonna blossom...

and make a little Skintendo flower.

You know what?

Let's build Skintendo right now.

Don't know what I said.
I sort of was just talking.

Let's do it. Tonight.

But why? For what?

To kill bad guys.

- Fuck yes.
- So what do you say?

Baby Dunc, you ready?

Sorry.

Joel.

- You up for this?
- Yeah.

I can make it happen.

And I think I know how. Oh!

- Just got my baby hairs.
- Sure.

How exactly does
this friend-control mode thing work?

Okay, so you know how the suit
can control the character in the game?

I do, yeah.

Friend-control mode
takes that concept to another level.

But I didn't have any of my material,
so I had to use the electro stim pads

to control his muscles.
Unfortunately, I ran out of stim pads,

so it can pretty much
just walk and spin.

Which is why I loaded the fists
full of those lava stones.

So it's kind of like a, uh,
swinging sledgehammer type thing.

Nice work, Joel.

Sledgehammer spin-punching
robo-zombie.

- Yeah.
- Cool.

And the air fresheners are because...

- He shit himself earlier.
- Mm-hm.

- So...
- In the spa.

- Little funky.
- Right, okay. Let's see something.

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Oh, punching. Oh.

- Ooh, shit!
- Nice.

- It's good.
- Cool.

Okay, uh-oh.

- Give me a shimmy-shimmy.
- We should, uh...

Shake-a-shake-a-shake.

- Dab it on him. Dab it on him.
- Attack?

- Alexxx, let's attack, please.
- Wiggle, wiggle.

Yep, okay, yep.

Nope, nope! No, no, no, no.

- Okay, all right.
- It's just actually...

no, I'm not ready.

I have to tell you guys something,

and it's been weighing on me
for a long time.

- I am...
- A gay guy.

Yep, we know. Zero to hero, go!

Just don't have time, sorry.

Rich, where have you been?

And what...

what are you... what are you wearing?

Yo. It's the suit.

Fuck you, bad guys.

Fuck you, bad guys!

♪ Gimme fuel, gimme fire
Gimme that which I desire ♪

Be prepared to meet your maker,
motherfucker!

Fists of fury, bitch!

♪ Yeah... ♪

Yeah! Oh, I spun right... you saw that.

What do you mean, "we know"?

You've come out to us a hundred times.
It's your drunk thing. Get the guy.

Yeah, the first time was prom
our senior year,

and then a bunch of times in New Orleans.

Something about Bourbon Street, man.
It brings it out of you, and then...

Then when we got Osama bin Laden,
we all got really drunk,

and you wouldn't shut the fuck up
about how gay you were.

Why didn't you say anything?
This shit weighs heavily on me.

You've never brought it up sober,
so we were kind of waiting for you to...

well, do what you're doing now.

This is the moment, yeah.
I suppose this is the moment.

And by the way, congrats on coming out.

- This is a big deal.
- Yeah.

- Huge.
- That is huge.

Hey, look, the Skintendo Joysuit's
working. That's awesome.

- Damn right.
- Yeah, I'm actually really surprised

the Dirt Devil batteries
aren't overheating.

♪ Quench my thirst with gasoline ♪

♪ Gimme fuel, gimme fire
Gimme that which I desire ♪

Oh, God, and that is the Dirt Devil
batteries overheating.

That was fucking dope.

Let's do this.

Well, let's fuck some shit up.

Whoa, Joel,
suddenly not scared of everything.

Yeah. That was when I was in the closet.

Now I'm the most powerful thing
in the world...

a pissed-off gay dude.

Stay in the back,
because we have guns and you don't.

- Yep.
- Don't need one.

- Ready?
- Let's do this.

Let's do this!
Let's do this shit!

Dew'd Crew!

Bump it, bump it...

Stop shooting, or he's dead.

Yo, butler dude! It's over, man.

I am not a butler!

Yeah, right, and we're not waiters.

We're not.

- Well, we're waiters.
- We're like... okay.

Look, cops have the place surrounded,
so drop your guns!

Good advice.

Put... your guns... down.

Erma!

- What happened to your face?
- Shut up!

Go get the money.

Let's go!

Excuse me, ma'am.

I do not appreciate the way
you've been trying to kill us tonight.

- I don't think she cares, man.
- Mm.

Erma, have your fun
and get up to the roof.

Alan, grab what you can.

Oh, shit, your boyfriend's leaving.
You should probably roll with him, right?

He is not... my boyfriend!

Okay, you're single. Cool. What's up?

I... am a trained killer on a job.

And you...

are in my office.

Uh, Joel, what are you doing?
She's gonna blow your brains out, man.

You... need to apologize.

Okay?

He's gay now.

Oh, shit.

I don't do apologies, faggot.

Ooh, I know you didn't
just call me the F word!

Joel, you haven't even fucked a dude yet.

Yes, I have.

And in the butt's better than vagina.

- Way better.
- Chicks have butts too, though.

Oh! Whoa, dude, I just slapped
the shit out of her.

- Yeah, you did.
- That was awesome. Nice, Joel.

- Look out!
- Watch out!

Oh!

This ends now!

- Oh, man!
- Oh, no.

- Get him, Erma!
- Come on, Joel!

Let's go, Joel!

Take that!

- Yeah!
- Little fucker!

Yeah, fuck you, bitch!

You like that? You like picking on people
'cause they're different?

No, no! Joel!

Right in the numbers.

Yes!

Yes!

- You get outta here.
- Ha!

Ho, ho, ho, ho!

Baby Dunc with the slam dunk.

Yes! Tom fucking Brady!

- Not Tom Brady.
- No.

- He plays football, not basketball.
- Slam dunk.

If anyone's Tom Brady, it's my man Mitch.

- We thought you were dead, dude.
- Mitch, your dick.

Eh, don't worry about it, boys.

We live in Los Angeles.

Eh, I give it eight weeks before me
and the Swamp Thing get reattached,

or regrown, or whatever the hell
they're gonna do to get us back

to fuckin' half this town,
am I right, boy?

Is everybody okay? Huh?

Cassie, huh? You okay?

Yeah, I-I'm a little shaken, but I feel...
oh, I feel okay.

Hey... that promotion is yours.

- Really?
- You earned it.

- Yes.
- Now put my pecker on ice, huh?

Wow, what a night, boys.

I have been crawling around this hotel
for hours.

- Ooh.
- You know what, Mitch?

- Huh?
- I have a better idea.

How's about I call corporate
and tell them what a disgusting

excuse for a man you are
and demand that you be fired immediately?

No, not because I want your job
or a promotion.

Because I want you to know
that if you behave like a pig,

you deserve to get stuck like one.

- Wow!
- Sixty-one yards.

New Mexico High School state record,
boy or girl.

I'll make it up.

Let me just get my head together,
and we'll talk about it, all right?

Hey!

Somebody get my dick for me there, huh?
A little help?

- Where's Erma?
- She's gone.

What, you didn't grab any money?

No, I just want...

Get this thing in the air already.

Okay, but I haven't actually
technically flown this type of...

Alan, helicopter, air, now!

I'm not the one that shot the pilot!

- Hey!
- Wait!

Why are their pockets inside out?
Why are their pockets inside out?!

We're the waiters from before!

We want to buy the Bey back!

Please, we got all your money, look!
You can have it all!

We just want the Bey!

If I give you the Bey,
they shoot me out of the sky.

We brought an empty bag!
The Bey can just climb inside!

What?

They'll never know
that he left the helicopter,

and you get all your money!

Okay! Hurry!

Goddamn.

Get in. Come on.

Look, I'm saving you, dude.
I'm saving you.

Shut the fuck up.

You fucking asshole!

I will fucking kill you, dog!

- Don't you fucking close that...
- Let's get him out of here.

- All right, you got all the money.
- Right.

Thanks. You're not gonna regret this.

Let's make sure of that.

Oh!

Jesus.

- Get rid of him.
- Goddamn it.

Alan, let's go.

Open it up!

Come on, open it.

He's alive.

- Oh, my God! Oh, shit!
- Are you okay?

Fuck, that motherfucker shot me!

I can't believe he's getting away
with this shit!

He's not. Watch this shit.

Cassie.

Time to let the dogs out.

Over. You gotta say "over."

Okay, everybody, that's it!
Let's go! Let's go!

Let's go!

Faster!

No.

No!

It worked!

He fucking blew up.

Yes!
Oh, man. It's kind of fun being badass.

Yeah, yeah, it is, uh, pretty exciting.

- I told you guys.
- You did.

You did, man. I'm sorry I doubted you.

- Get me to a fucking hospital!
- Yep, okay.

Dumb fucks!

Okay, so, you know,

we'll start working
on the Skintendo Joysuit right away

and then keep you in the loop.

Yeah, and we are going to need
another check.

Yeah.

Our lives are in a pretty bad place
right now,

and that check is gonna
change our lives forever.

Fuck are you talking about?
I'm not writing you guys another check.

Hold on. Wait one second.

Why aren't you gonna...
Oh, he's concussed, right?

He's got something up with his brain?
Is it jiggling around in there?

Bitch, the only reason I wrote that check
was to piss off Ahmad,

'cause that shit made me laugh.

Oh, my tummy.

Get me the fuck up out of here.

Come on.

And play with my balls.
Make sure my dick still works.

I do not get that. He seemed like
such a stand-up guy on the Instagram.

- He's an asshole.
- Piece of shit.

Excuse me.
Hey, guys, um, I'm Mark Cuban.

I'm a friend of the Bey's.
I was up there tonight.

- I saw you guys had that bodysuit thing.
- Yeah.

Holy fuckin' shit!

Oh, yeah, yup, we're gettin' Shark Tanked.

Mark Cuban wants to buy
the Skintendo Joysuit!

Skintendo Joysuit?
That's what you named it?

- Yeah, I named it.
- Good name, right?

That's bad. No.
I'm definitely not interested.

However, what you just went through
tonight was pretty hard-core.

I'd like to buy your story,
turn it into a video game

starring you guys,

voiced over and visually modeled
after famous actors, of course.

- I call Sean Astin.
- Mark-Paul Gosselaar, please!

Uh, Cara Delevingne. I don't know.

- Whoever we can get.
- I don't know.

- All right, guys.
- Awesome. Thank you so much.

Oh, he even walks cool. Sick blanket.

- See you, Marky Cubes.
- Ring-a-ling.

- Sweet.
- That was awesome!

That's funny. Wow.

Announcement! Announcement!
Shut... shut up.

Shut up real quick.
I'm gonna make an announcement.

Hey, look. Now, I know

we are the millionaire video game mavens
that chartered this Costa Rica cruise

for 100 of our closest friends, yes,

but I wanna congratulate you guys
for having...

the best butt-cheeks in the business!

You guys are hot as fuck.

And shake 'em if you got 'em!

Whoa!

Dinner bell's ringing.
Come and get it, boys.

- Come and get it, huh?
- Joel, I am so proud of you, dude.

Not a day goes by that I miss

that shy, closeted bitch
that you once were, and I mean that.

- Thanks, man.
- And Darren?

I am beyond thrilled that you are
no longer a controlling asshole

who needs to smoke salvia just to get by.

Haven't touched the stuff
since that night.

- Good.
- You know that.

Yeah.

Just, uh, doing cocaine now, you know.
But for fun.

It's better for you.

Ah! This is the best, guys.

Look at us.
Rich beyond our wildest dreams.

- Darren doing cocaine for fun.
- Shh.

Joel is, like, fricking wiggling
his dick around, just begging for cock.

Hey, I'm not... I'm not begging yet.

Oh! Darren, tell Alexxx
about that video game idea.

Oh, yeah. Okay.

New idea, new game:

leprechauns... but they're tall.

Oh, that is a clever twist.

No. Nope.
I'm not all about making money anymore.

You know what I'm about? Best friends.

Put your hands in.

Dew'd Crew!

Booty bump, a-booty bump!

Yes! We're gonna live forever!

We're never gonna die!

♪ If you'll be my bodyguard ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ I can call you Betty ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Bravehearts ♪

♪ Bravehearts ♪

♪ Bravehearts ♪

♪ Now let's get it all in perspective ♪

♪ For all y'all enjoyment
A song y'all can step with ♪

♪ Y'all appointed me
To bring rap justice ♪

♪ But I ain't five-O
Y'all know it's Nas, yo ♪

♪ Grey Goose and a whole lot of hydro ♪

♪ Only describe us as soldier survivors ♪

♪ Stay laced in the best
Well-dressed with finesse ♪

♪ In a white tee, lookin' for wifey ♪

♪ Thug girl who fly and talks so nicely ♪

♪ Put her in the coupe
So she can feel the nice breeze ♪

♪ We can drive through the city
No doubt ♪

♪ But don't say my car's topless
Say the titties is out ♪

♪ Newness, here's the anthem ♪

♪ Put your hand up that you shoot with
Count your loot with ♪

♪ Push the pool stick in your new crib
Same hand that you hoop with ♪

♪ Swing around like you stupid ♪

♪ King of the town ♪

♪ Yeah, I been that ♪

♪ You know I click-clack
Where you and your men's at ♪

♪ Do the Smurf, do the wop, baseball bat ♪

♪ Rooftop like we bringin' '88 back ♪

♪ They shootin' ♪

♪ Aw, made you look ♪

♪ You a slave
To a page in my rhyme book ♪

♪ Gettin' big money
Playboy, your time's up ♪

♪ Where them gangstas at?
Where them dimes at? ♪

♪ Bravehearts ♪

♪ Bravehearts ♪

♪ Bravehearts ♪

♪ Bravehearts ♪

♪ I see niggas runnin'
Yo, my mood is real rude ♪

♪ I lay you out, show you what steel do ♪

♪ Mobsters don't box
My pump shot obliges ♪

♪ Every invitation
To fight you punk hazas ♪

♪ Like Pun said
You ain't even in mi clasa ♪

♪ Whatever you choose, whatever you do ♪

♪ Make sure he a thug
And intelligent too ♪

♪ Like a real thoroughbred is ♪

♪ Show me love
Let me feel how the head is ♪

♪ Females who's the sexiest
Is always the nastiest ♪

by LiviuBoss
* Rambo Media Ltd *