Gam Cam Grrl (2019) - full transcript

(film reel rolling)

(soft string music)

(static humming)

- [Rob] From NPR News in
Washington, I'm Rob Westerfield

with these top stories at
the bottom of the hour.

An irrepressible website
that went viral over

the Christmas weekend
is causing considerable

consternation in governments
around the globe.

The site streams an unflinching live

up-skirt view of a woman's genitals

as she goes about her daily activities.



Even the United States
has been unsuccessful

in shutting it down.

To gain more insight
into this breaking story

we have our Pentagon
correspondent Chandra Mitterandra

on the line.

Good morning, Chandra.

- [Chandra] Good morning, Rob.

- [Chandra] Several
sources I've talked to fear

this untraceable website
could be the opening salvo

of a foreign Cyber attack on the U.S.

to probe and possibly even penetrate

our digital defenses.

- [Rob] But both China and Russia...

(speaking in foreign language)



- My alarm didn't go off.

- I'm going to make dumplings tonight.

Your favorite.

- Mmm.

Thanks, Mom.

I'll be back at five.
- Okay, okay.

- [Rob] Therefore should have the ability

to pull the plug on it.

- [Chandra] I brought that up
to Thomasine Woodley earlier...

♪ There's a door I came through
to get onto this train ♪

♪ And before that I stood in the station ♪

♪ To keep out of the rain ♪

♪ On this train between stations ♪

♪ Chasing the horizon ♪

♪ Train between stations ♪

♪ No one is sure of its true destination ♪

♪ Oh ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Oh ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Oh ♪

- [Crowd] Hungry Lice.

- [Announcer] Level three.

(grunting)

- I see you're reading
about the Gam Cam Grrl.

- Oh, I just, uh,
couldn't help but read it,

right there on the front page staring me

right in the, Face!

Wow.

That's it?

That's what it looks like?

- Don't tell me you've never seen one

of these before?

- Yeah, of course, but not
on someone's phone like that.

- Come on, you never did
any sexting in high school?

- Uh, no, I never did.

- What's that thing on your leg?

- What, what thing?

- That thing on your ankle?

That's not an up-skirt camera is it?

- No.
- If it is,

I'm really gonna be pissed.

- No.

It's a GPS tracking device.

I have to wear it for the next three years

while I'm on parole.

- Parole?

- Yeah, I just got out of
prison about a month ago.

Right before Thanksgiving.

- What were you in prison for?

- Bank robbery.

I know it sounds bad but
it wasn't like I walked

up to the teller window
with a gun or anything.

- [Announcer] Game over!

- She took a shower yesterday

but she was wearing a mask.

Gloves too.

She's always wearing gloves when her hand

gets anywhere near the proscenium.

Speak of the devil.

- She's waking the wombat again.

- Same time as yesterday.

- Something wrong with the monitor?

- No.

No, it's on.

It's just a short in her lighting system.

- No, this is definitely deliberate.

She's flashing the lights
on and off in Morse Code.

(gentle music)

- The 14 numbers displayed in Morse Code

match the Bureau of Prisons
ID number and release date

for inmate Shane Mathias Antar.

Recently released on parole

from the Federal
Penitentiary at Victorville.

He currently lives with his
mother in the Palms area

of Los Angeles.

Notify the L.A. office I'm
on the next flight out.

- 21 violations of the
Computer Fraud and Abuse Act.

He hacked the Bank of
Western Ems Levee in Germany.

Made off with almost 10 million euros.

- And he gave all that
money away to charities

I remember that.

He was a sort of a folk hero
in the hacking community

for a while.

The Robin Hood of the
Internet, they called him.

- His father was an American citizen.

Taught English at Shanghai U.

Shane's mother was one of his students.

She was 19 when they got married,
moved back to Los Angeles

where Shane was born in 1989.

- I just tapped into the GPS
on Shane's ankle monitor.

He's near the corner of Hill and Third.

A business called Greater
Prose Groceries and Books.

- Yeah, but Fool, what'd
you expect her to do

when you told her you
were a bank robber though?

- I thought she'd appreciate honesty.

- There he is on Aisle T.

Do we have audio yet?

- Trying to hack into his phone mic now.

- I see the terms of
his parole prohibit him

from using any devices
with internet access.

So that's why he's got any old flip phone.

- I just broke into his phone.

It was not easy, believe me.

- Dude, it's part of the mating ritual.

You have to fluff up your fricken feathers

like the peacocks do.

You can't let 'em think

that you're some run-a-the-mill
turkey out in the barnyard

trying to get some tail.

- Where's the tarragon?

- All spices are on Aisle S,

between Sense and Sensibility

and Stranger In A Strange Land.

- Thanks.
- Welcome.

Hey.

Hey, fool.

When's the last time you got any?

- Seven years.

- Damn!

My bad.

- It was the night before I went in.

Debra.

My last girlfriend in college.

- Fool, you have to learn how to lie

if you wanna get laid.

No girl is gonna hook up with some guy

that just got out of the slammer.

Especially one that's bagging groceries

for $10 an hour.

- I'm not looking for a one-night stand.

I want a real relationship.

- Yeah, good luck with that.

- Oh, gotta love those
Greater Prose salads.

Is that a Sunflower Serenade?

- No, it's Arugula Quinoa Tango.

- Oh, that's a good one too.

Hey.

I'm Karol.

- Shane.

- Pleasure meeting you, Shane.

So you, uh, you work at Greater Prose?

- Yeah.

Uh, part-time.

I'm finishing up my doctorate at UCLA.

- Sounds like he's taking his buddy's

advice and feeding her a load of bull.

- Either that or they're talking in code.

- FBI has boots on the
ground for remote visual.

- Getting facial recognition

on the contact now.

I've got a match.

Caroline Miriam Angelikis.

29 years old.

Aspiring stand-up comic.

Presently unemployed.

- Do you ever go to comedy clubs?

- No.

Sounds like fun though.

- Well that's great you said that

because I'm doing a five minute spot

at the Mata Hari tonight,
tomorrow night and Thursday.

I've been doing Sunday open mics

there for years and this is
the first time they've given

me an actual time slot
that I can put on cards

so I can give them to people to come out.

I really need a good turn-out.

- 8:00 p.m.

I'll be there.

- Great, awesome!

Okay, thanks so much, I'll see you then.

And bring as many friends as you can!

Like a lot.

A lot of friends and people.

Mom, dog, parents, grandparents.

- [Announcer] Hungry Lice.

(grunting)

- Hi.

Oh, I see you're playing Hungry Lice.

What level are you at?

- Level Seven.

- Cool.

I'm at level eight.

Speaking of eight, I'm
doing a show tonight

at The Mata Hari, at 8:00.

- I don't do comedy.

- Well, why don't you give
it to somebody who does.

Sleep tight.

Don't let the hungry lice bite.

- [Announcer] Game over!

(phone rings)

- Hey, Mom!

- They're speaking Mandarin.

- I knew a major player like China

had to be behind something
as sophisticated as this.

- I wonder how you say
proscenium in Chinese?

♪ She's gonna eat you alive ♪

♪ She's gonna eat you alive ♪

♪ She's gonna eat you alive ♪

♪ She's gonna eat you alive ♪

♪ She's gonna start at your feet ♪

- Let's give a warm,
Mata Hari Club welcome

for the Miss, Lovely, Karol Angelikis!

♪ And then she'll keep on
chomping all the way up ♪

♪ Without stopping you'll
become another dropping ♪

- Thank you, Harold.

And I wanna thank all of
you for coming out tonight.

All six of you.

Well, all seven if you
include the waitress.

Uh, and while I'm thanking everybody

for coming I wanna call out a
special thanks to you, Harold,

for not coming in my mouth
last night. (chuckles)

Um, any L.G.B.T. folks
in the audience tonight?

Come on, come on, don't be shy.

Be proud!

Yeah, you!

Which letter are you?

I mean, you're obviously not an L

so you're either a G, B
or T, so which one is it?

- G.
- G!

Gee whiz, I would have never guessed.

I mean, it's so hard to
tell what anybody is now

these days with all the
letters going around,

it's like you walk into a singles bar

and it's like diving into
a bowl of alphabet soup.

It's not even LGBT anymore,

now it's LGBTQ.

And some people take
it even further and say

it's LGBTQAI.

I mean at this rate in another year

or so we're gonna sing the
entire fucking Alphabet Song

just to get somebody's sexual preference.

But for brevity's sake,
since I only have like

five minutes up here or something, uh,

we'll just stick with LGBTQ, shall we?

Hey, Mister Gee, do you know
what the Q stands for in LGBTQ?

- Queer or questioning.

- Queer or questioning.

There's some irony here, folks.

Here I am, questioning a gay
guy about queer or questioning,

so therefore I must qualify

as a Q because of the mere fact that I am

asking a question.

So, thank you, Mr. G,

for clarifying my sexual orientation.

I have now officially joined the LGBTQ

community because I am, in fact,

a Q because I'm questioning

what the fuck the letter Q means.

Am I making myself perfectly queer?

Hey!

What?

What the, I, five, what?

You can't give me my cut-off cue already!

Boy, five minutes flies by fast

when you're on stage having
fun, doesn't it folks?

You know, maybe I should have let the M.C.

come in my mouth last night so I can slide

an extra minute on my routine.

But the point I was trying to make,

and I had this whole
monologue prepared to say it,

is that we're, we're all
part of the LGBTQ community

because we're all
questioning, we're all Q's.

Even this cute little Asian guy over here.

Hey, Mr. LGBTQ, what kind of sandwich

are you eating?

- A BLT.

(laughing)

- I rest my case, ladies and gentlemen!

♪ When digestion's complete ♪

- Let's hear it for Miss Karol Angelikis.

- That's Karol with a K.

- Okay.

We'll have, uh, Tommy
Miller up in five minutes

so you guys stick around.

- Did you get the BLT line?

- No, that gay guy's head was in the way.

- (sighs) Oh!

Sam, wasn't it?

- Shane.

- Oh yeah, Shane.

Um, Shane, honey, I need you to come over

to my apartment and bring
the rest of this sandwich.

Hey, can we get a doggie-bag over here?

♪ She's gonna eat you alive ♪

- A BLT?
- Uh, like one more time

but with a little bit more emotion.

- A BLT.

- Uh, no, let's try it one more time:

what kind of sandwich are you
eating over there, Mr. LGBTQ?

- A BLT.

- Uh, a little less forced.

- A BLT.

- And, cut.

That's a wrap.

- Okay, I'll have this edited in and up

on YouTube in about a half an hour.

- Thank you so much for doing this, Shane.

You are such a doll.

- No biggie.

Glad I could help.

- Uh, can I get you anything to drink?

You want, like, a rum 'n coke?

- Uh, you have any orange juice?

- Yes, I do, in fact.

I have now officially
joined the LGBTQ community

because I am, in fact, a
Q because I'm questioning

what the fuck the letter Q means.

I make a pretty bad-ass screwdriver.

Am I making myself perfectly queer?

Hey, Lulu, um, didn't you say

that you have some editing
software back at home

on your home computer that you could use?

- It really doesn't matter, I um...

Oh, you know, yeah,

I have some better software at home.

Um, I'll see you tomorrow.

Nice meeting you, Shane.

- Oh, bye, Lulu.
- Bye.

- So you wanna screwdriver, Shane?

- Uh, to be honest, I never really liked

the taste of vodka.

- Then why don't we cut
to the fucking chase then.

(intense music)

♪ Blasted all over the papers ♪

♪ Blurted all over the news ♪

♪ Some things you wanna do
some say aren't good for you ♪

♪ Some say that you should say no ♪

♪ Oh, there's that N-word again ♪

♪ I hear it wherever I go ♪

♪ Oh I've been good now and
then the moon shinin' brightly ♪

♪ You do so excite me tonight ♪

♪ Babe i just can't say no ♪

♪ I just can't say no. ♪

- What the fuck is this thing?

- It's, it's, uh, part
of my study for my PhD.

- What?

- It it, it measures my pulse rate.

- Uh, well, your pulse rate

is about to go through
the fucking roof, Buddy.

Okay, my yoga pants are entangled in this.

Can we undo this thing?

Can we take it off?
- No, no, no, I can't.

It would, uh, ruin the study.

It, it has to stay on 24/7

or it leaves a gap in the data.

♪ No ♪

♪ Just can't say ♪

- Fuck!

(beeping)

(dial tone rings)

- LAPD.
- This is DOC Officer Daniels

reporting a GPS disable
attempt in progress.

♪ Give it to me one time ♪

- Finally!

Why is your ankle monitor blinking?

- I don't know.

It's never done that before.

- Does this mean your
pulse rate is rising?

- That and a few other things.

- I like it when a guy
goes down on me first.

- Well, tonight's your lucky night.

♪ Just can't say no ♪

♪ Here is a highway less traveled ♪

- Yeah, baby, show me what you've got.

♪ Where there's adventure within ♪

♪ If life's what you make it
let's run through it naked ♪

♪ just meet me right after the show ♪

(rapid knocking)

♪ Let's go now, oh ♪

- LAPD!

Open up!

- Yeah. (moaning)

That's it!

That's it!

Oh!

Oh my God!

Yes!

Oh! (rapid knocking)

- LAPD!

Open the door!

(moaning)

♪ Just can't say no ♪

- [Karol] Yeah that's it!

Oh, right there!

(moaning)

♪ I just can't say no ♪

♪ Just can't say ♪

♪ Just can't say no ♪

♪ Just can't say ♪

- Oh, what the fuck?

- LAPD!

Keep your hands in the air!

- You have no right to barge in like this!

- Shane Mathias Antar?

- Yes.

- You're under arrest
for parole violation.

- Parole?

- Tampering with your GPS device.

Put your pants on, Kid.

- You said that your GPS
was for your PHD project.

Yeah, yeah, pulse rate, my ass!

- I'm sorry, Karol.

I lied.

I spent the last seven years
in prison for bank robbery.

- Oh, uh-huh.

Bank robbery.

What's it gonna be next, you know,

my last ex-boyfriend was a car thief.

Who's it gonna be now?

An ax murderer?

- Turn around and put your
hands behind your back.

Excuse me, hey!

Where are you going?

- Mm, there.

- What is your name?

- Karol.
- Karol what?

- Angelikis.

- Do you have any ID, Karol Angelikis?

- Oh my God, I cannot believe this.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you doing?

Ow! - Hey!

You can't go fishing in
my underwear like that!

- I'm searching for weapons.

- Private property.

- Oh, oh, oh.

- That's not a weapon, FYI.

That's, uh, I, I...

- In the wrong hands
anything can become a weapon.

Thank God we got him
before he skipped town.

- Um, who are you?

- He's my parole officer.

- You screwed up, Shane.

Guess who's going back to Victorville?

- Come on.

Say goodbye, Gracie.

- Curt Dunkin, FBI.

I just received orders to take Mr. Antar

into federal custody.

- On whose authority?

- Thomasine Woodley, Deputy Director

of the National Security Agency

and United States Cyber Command.

- Can't get much higher
than that now, can ya?

- I'm Shane's parole officer

from the Department of Corrections.

Would someone mind telling me

what this is all about?

- I'm sorry.

That's classified.

(intense music)

- Wipe your mouth, Shane.

You look like you ate a glazed donut.

What do you know about the Gam Cam Grrl?

- Today is the first
day I even heard of her.

It was on the radio.

I saw the article in The Times too.

Oh, and this girl on the
train showed it to me

on her phone.

- This morning she relayed a message

in Morse Code.

14 numbers identical to
your Prison Register ID

and release date.

- Has to be a coincidence.

- Coincidence, with the
odds a million times

higher than winning the lottery.

- I'm telling you: I didn't even know

about her till today.

I'm not allowed to use
the internet so I get

my news the old-fashioned way.

You know: newspapers and TV.

Sometimes even the radio.

- We're willing to pay you $5,000 a week

plus medical and dental.

We'll get the DOC to drop the restrictions

on your internet access

just help us find who's
responsible for this.

- I really appreciate the job offer,

but like I said: I don't want to work

for the NSA.

I'd rather work at the grocery store.

- The third house on the right.

- How do you know where I live?

- Shane, the NSA knows everything.

(gentle music)

- Hey, wanna heat dinner for you?

- No, that's fine, I already ate.

I had a sandwich at the comedy club.

- Oh.

Hey, how's your date?

- Not so good.

Started out fine, but things sort of ended

on a sour note.

- What went wrong?

- Yeah, I didn't want her to know

I was a convicted felon.

So I lied about who I was.

- You don't have to lie.

Just be yourself.

Somebody will love you the way you are.

- Right, Mom.

♪ She's gonna start at your feet ♪

- [MC] Let's give a warm,
Mata Hari Club welcome

for the Miss, Lovely, Karol Angelikis!

- How many times do I
have to tell you, Karol?

All men are liars.

- Thank you, Harold.
- Just like your father.

- Yeah, you're probably right about that.

And I want to thank all of
you for coming out tonight.

And while I'm thanking everybody

for coming I wanna call out a
special thanks to you, Harold,

for not coming,

in my mouth last night.

Any LGBT folks in the audience tonight?

C'mon, you!

- What, are you watching television?

- No, it's my YouTube
video from last night.

I only have five views.

Did you watch it, Mom?

I sent you the link.

- When are you gonna
get a real job, Karol?

You're almost 30 years old.

- Comedy is a real job, Mom!

Come on, we've had this conversation like

a million times.

- I cannot be supporting you the rest

of your life.

You need to get a real job.

You need to find a decent man.

And you need to settle down

before it's too late!

- I rest my case, ladies and gentlemen.

- You know and stop sleeping

with all those criminals
you keep bringing home.

- The happy nap DNA
analysis traces Shane's

lineage back to Emperor Genghis Khan.

- Who isn't related to Genghis Khan?

The guy had over 4,000 children

with more than 2,000 wives.

Do the exponential math on that one.

- She's waking the wombat again.

- 7:30 a.m., Pacific Standard time.

- [Both] Same time as yesterday.

- [Lydia] And the day before.

- She seems to be establishing a fixed

event schedule like the
broadcast networks do.

- To get the audience to
tune in at a specific time.

Why?

- Twice as much usage as
yesterday's wombat awakening.

- That's why.

She's growing her audience.

When was the last time she
watered the calla lilies?

- About 3 1/2 hours ago at 3:43.

- This is different.

- Yesterday it was blinking the lights

in Morse Code.

- Today it's blackjack?

- I see more than two cards.

- New style of Texas Hold 'Em, maybe?

- She's definitely got
something up her sleeve.

- My name is Cami Fawlkes.

I think outside the box?

- Apparently Fawlkes is pronounced Fox.

- The name of me.

Contains the key.

To opening the locks.

- It's a poem.

The name of me contains the key.

- It's almost like Guy Fawkes,

except she spells her
name with an L in it.

- Maybe the L is the key?

- Let's run the full limerick

through the Jaguar at Oak
Ridge, see if it can uncover

any hidden gems.

- Any luck getting Shane Antar
on board to join our team?

- No, I drew a blank.

I did get a good read on him
on our ride home last night.

He's an altruist, for sure,

but with this self-righteous streak.

Possibly even a trace of
what they like to call

The Mighty Mouse Syndrome.

- He wants to be the
one who saves the day!

- Exactly.

- Well, If we wanna catch Mighty Mouse,

I think I found the
perfect damsel in distress.

- I should have listened to my mother.

I mean, she warned me
about dating criminals.

But did I listen?

Of course not.

So last night I went home
with this convicted felon.

Bank robber.

Just got out on parole.

I'll call him Mr. LGBTQ

because he was sitting
right there eating his BLT.

So we get back to my
apartment and he starts

going down on me and
you know how some guys

just kind of dawdle around down there like

they're about to fill out
a government form to ride

the wild bull in the rodeo,

but this guy was no slouch, okay,

this guy knew his geography,

and when I say Geography
it's with a Capital G,

like G-spot, ladies!

Okay, so he's eating me out
and I'm sitting there thinking

where the fuck did this guy

learn to eat pussy like this?

He sure as shit wasn't
gettin' no pussy in prison!

I mean, maybe he's some
kind of like fucking prodigy

like Mozart or something.

I don't know.

Whatever the case, but
there I was on my bed

blasting off like a fucking rocket ship

to Mars when hey, what's this?

Deja vu all over again?

- Caroline Miriam Angelikis?

- Uh, yeah?

Is there a problem?

- We have a warrant for your arrest.

- Wait, arrest?

For what?

- Assaulting a police
officer in the line of duty.

- Huh, oh, yeah yeah, I saw this act

at a friend's bachelorette
party one time, yeah.

Um, where's the boom box, guys?

Did one of my friends put you up to this?

- Step down, please.
- What?

- You have the right to remain silent.

- Oh, okay, wait!

This is getting way too realistic here.

Oh, so the punchline of the story is:

if only I would have
listened to my mother I could

have just become a dental
hygienist and married a doctor!

Maybe a lawyer!

Hey, wait!

I could really use a lawyer right now!

Is there a fucking lawyer in the house?

(dramatic music)

I slapped his wrist

because he had his grubby
fingers in my panty drawer!

- It's still assault and
battery on a peace officer

in the line of duty.

Punishable by up to 20 years in jail.

has just completed its fifth day

of unfettered operation
without any government

being able to shut it down.

We have Deputy Director of
the National Security Agency,

Thomasine Woodley on the line

to discuss the global
ramifications of this,

immediately after this commercial.

- Hello?

- Shane!

Shane? - Yes?

- Hi.

Yeah.

It's Karol.

Karol Angelikis.

Um, I'm, I'm really sorry I'm calling

you so late right now but I...

- No, I'm the one who
should be sorry for lying

to you the way I did.

- Oh, yeah yeah, that's
all water under the bridge.

- Hey, uh, how'd you get my number?

- Uh, they gave it to me
here at the police station.

- Are you in some kind of trouble?

- Yeah, listen, okay,
I'm in really deep shit.

And they said you're the
only one who can pull me

out from under the pile.

♪ No one is sure of its true destination ♪

- Okay, here's the deal: if my client,

during his employment with the NSA,

helps to uncover the source
of this Gam Cam Grrl network,

he will be granted a
full presidential pardon

and his entire criminal
record will be expunged.

- That's a tall order.

We're gonna have to go through
the appropriate channels.

- I think for something
as important as this,

you can go right to the top.

- [Man] Sorry to disturb you

at this late hour, Mr. President.

- [President] No problem, Doug,

I was still up tweeting about
this Gam Cam Grrl thing.

I think I got it figured
out, I've had a lot

of experience in that area, you know.

Know who I think is behind it all?

North Korea.

Think about it: Pyongyang.

Pyongyang!

Get it?

It's just a few letters off from Poontang!

- Thank you.

I'll be on the corner of First and Main

in about a minute.

- Shane!

Mmmm.

Thank you for getting me off.

- You're welcome.

- How'd you do it?

- I just licked the alphabet is all.

- No, no, no I'm not
talking about last night,

I'm talking about tonight.

Like, how did you get them to drop

all my charges?

- I took a job at the Federal
Building up the street.

Starts tomorrow.

Can we walk?

I have a cab coming for me downstairs.

- Yeah, yeah, sure.

Uh, what's your new job?

- They want me to help
them find the Gam Cam Grrl.

- Wait, that cunt that
keeps showing her twat

on the internet?

Are you serious, Shane?

That's really funny, that's definitely

not your new job...

- I'm not kidding, Karol.

That's my new job.

And it comes with full
medical and dental benefits.

- Okay.

Hey, uh, why don't we
just have the cab take

us back to my place.

You know, we can pick up
where we left off last night

you know, before we were
so rudely interrupted!

Come on in.

Take your shoes off, make
yourself comfortable.

(upbeat music)

♪ I met this lady it was after payday ♪

♪ At a mini mall opening sale ♪

♪ She was coughin' down pizza
said her name was Lisa ♪

♪ And she just got let outta jail ♪

♪ Said her cell was brimmin'
with the kinds of women ♪

♪ That the cops pulled off of the street ♪

♪ Some were downright
friendly and incidentally ♪

♪ They taught her the right way to eat ♪

♪ Back at her apartment
was a work of art ♪

♪ That she had ripped off of the police ♪

♪ It was quite erotic
and she said she got it ♪

♪ As a conversation piece ♪

♪ Our talk got dirty right around 8:30 ♪

♪ And I slowly worked my way down ♪

♪ Then my nose got pushed
into a burnin' bush ♪

♪ So I started rootin' around ♪

♪ She likes it over easy ♪

♪ She loves it ♪

♪ Over easy ♪

♪ She needs it ♪

♪ Over easy ♪

♪ When I'm rootin' around ♪

♪ We were topsy-turvy
where it gets real curvy ♪

♪ We were both by then in the
raw then I got too reckless ♪

♪ And a pearly necklace just
appeared right under her jaw ♪

♪ But I kept on goin'
till my seed was sowin' ♪

♪ And I'd lost that primary urge ♪

♪ Yeah I kept on feedin'
while she kept repeatin' ♪

♪ Sayin' baby I'm right on the verge ♪

♪ She likes it over easy, ♪

♪ She loves it ♪

♪ Over easy ♪

♪ She needs it ♪

♪ Over easy ♪

♪ When I'm rootin' around ♪

♪ When I'm rootin' around ♪

♪ When I'm rootin' around ♪

♪ When I'm rootin' around ♪

♪ She needs it ♪

♪ Over easy ♪

♪ She likes, she likes,
she likes, she loves it ♪

♪ Over easy ♪

♪ Yeah yeah yeah yeah ♪

♪ She really needs it ♪

♪ Over easy yeah yeah yeah ♪

♪ She craves it ♪

♪ Over ♪

- Thank God you don't have that fucking

ankle bracelet anymore.

- Ditto.

Free at last, free at last.

Now if I recall,

where we last left off,

was somewhere down here

in the nether regions.

- Oh yeah.

No loss of memory cells there, baby.

Oh yeah, you're really
really turning me on.

Which reminds me, I need
to turn my phone back on.

Those bastards turned
it off when they took

my phone from me.

Oh yeah, no, that's the money, Shane.

Yeah, I meant to ask you where you learned

how to, how to, how to...

347 new messages!

Arrest for what?

What the fuck?

- Assaulting an officer
in the line of duty.

- Oh, yeah yeah,

I saw this act at a friend's bachelorette

party one time, yeah.

Um, where's the boom box, Guys?

Did one of my friends put you up to this?

Oh my fucking God!

12 million views!

I've gone viral!

- Did you see it?

- I can't fucking believe it!

- 12 million views!

- I know!

- 12 1/2 million now!

Oh my God! - Oh!

This is even better than sex!

Yeah, and speaking of
sex, look who's here.

Say hi to Lulu, Shane!

- Oh, hi, Lulu.

- Hi, Shane!

- That's what I call doing FaceTime!

- Hey Karol, there's somebody here

at the Mata Hari who wants to talk to you.

- Hey, Karol, how's it goin'?

Look, I wanna bump you
up to a featured spot.

Can you be here tomorrow
at, say, 10 o'clock?

- Fuck yeah!

That's a paying spot, isn't it?

- Yeah, 50 bucks!

- Oh, I'm there!
- Awesome.

- Karol, you have to get down here!

There's so many people
who want your autograph!

- Look, there she is!

- Look, it's her!

Ah!

- It's Karol Angelikis!

- (laughs) Get down here!

- Okay!

I'm coming right now!

See you soon.

Oh my God, Shane, come down
with me to the Mata Hari with me

it's gonna be... - I'd love to,

but it's almost midnight

and I start my new job
at seven in the morning.

- Okay, um, alright, I gotcha.

'My house is your house'

I want you to move in with
me and be my boyfriend.

- Really, just like that?

We haven't even...
- Yes, no, shush.

I know a good thing when I see it

and you're the best fucking
thing that's ever happened

to me, okay?

When I get home tonight I'm
gonna ride you like a horse

in the fucking Kentucky Derby!

First place!

Blue ribbon.

Blue skies, nobody in the lead.

Just us.

Riding into the sunset.

I'm gonna ride you, your
dick, into the sunset.

Bye, I'll be back!

(phone rings)

- Chad, I want you to
bring Shane up to speed

on everything we have on the
Gam Cam Grrl up to this point.

- You got it.

- And at lunch hour, take him shopping

for a new suit.

You can use the agency credit card.

- Thanks.

- We must maintain a
certain office decorum.

- Can't dress too cas to
sit at a desk and stare

at a vagina all day.

- Oh.

That reminds me, Shane, I forgot
to give you a copy of this.

The Gam Cam Grrl website
not only poses a threat

to national security, but it does present

a unique challenge to our rules

against inappropriate office banter.

Without a system of politically correct

euphemisms in place, it
would be hard not to use

words that could be construed
as sexual harassment.

- Pretty hefty book.

- Well, there are a lot
of words and phrases

that are inappropriate
in an office environment.

And the V-word happens to be one of them.

- I mean, it's a pretty
cool deal, actually.

Ah, I mean, like, they
gave me this new suit.

And look what else I got, eh?

Now that my parole
restrictions are lifted.

- Huh.

Yeah!

Now we can, uh, now we
can FaceTime each other

when you're at work.

- Actually, the office I
work in is called an SCIF.

- SCIF?
- It stands for

Sensitive Compartmented
Information Facility.

We need to check in our
phones at the security desk

in the lobby.

It's kind of funny, really.

The NSA, the ultimate hackers are afraid

of their own phones being hacked.

Just goes to show what
goes around comes around.

- What?

Wait, some of these, like,

word substitutions are
fucking, like, hysterical!

I don't, I don't get it.

Like, this is real.

Is this real?

Is this like...
- That's what they gave me.

- (chuckles) What?

- You can't say words like penis or pussy

or vagina at work to avoid the potential

for sexual harassment.

- Oh, that's fucking bullshit.

So are you coming to see
my show tonight at 10:00?

- I'll be there.

Should I order a BLT?

- (chuckles) What?

You're so cute.

I'm really glad you're with me Shane.

Like, you bring me so much good luck.

Like, I have agents coming
out to see me tonight.

Like, do you know how hard it is to get

an agent in this fucking town?

- Actually, I don't know
much about show business

to tell you the truth.

- Well, stand-up comedy is like one

of the hardest fields to make it in.

And an opportunity like
this comes around maybe

once in your fucking lifetime,
or sometimes it doesn't.

But, when we get home tonight,

I am gonna give you the best fuck

you've ever had in your life.

♪ There's a door I came
through on the day I was born ♪

♪ But the truth is I just can't remember ♪

♪ Whatever came before ♪

(phone rings)

- Hi, Mom.

What's up?

- Oh, I, I'll be right home.

♪ Ooh, while these wheels
are still turning ♪

♪ I want you to take me there ♪

♪ Take me there on this
train between stations ♪

♪ Chasing the horizon ♪

♪ Train between stations ♪

♪ No one is sure of its true destination ♪

♪ Separate observations ♪

♪ Through the different windows ♪

♪ Train between stations everyone here ♪

♪ Has their own explanation ♪

♪ Train ♪

- Dusty!

- Ma?

Ma, wake up.

Wake up.

- I'm gonna call 911.

- (moaning) Oh.

- So my new boyfriend works for the NSA.

He's on a special task force
to crack the Gam Cam Grrl code.

So, that's right, my
boyfriend gets to stare

at another girl's twat
for eight hours a day.

And to top it off: no
one at the NSA office

is allowed to use the word vagina or pussy

or crotch or snatch or coot-coot

or any other normal word
that you would usually use

to describe a woman's vajayjay.

No, because they have this bullshit

zero-tolerance sexual harassment policy.

I mean, so when they wanna talk

about the Gam Cam Grrl's
crotch they have to use

the word proscenium.

Can you believe it?

Can you?

No.

Proscenium.

Like, when did our
government become so Greek

all of a sudden?

And, and then the clit,
the clit is called upstage

and then the buttocks is called downstage

and, and the asshole, get this,

the asshole is referred
to as the backstage exit.

- [Man] Where's centerstage?

- Buddy, if you don't
know where centerstage is,

it's obvious you've never
gotten to second base.

Now, where was I?

Oh, oh yeah: So when
my boyfriend goes down

on me now, I have to say:
yeah, yeah, right there!

No no no, little bit more upstage!

Well, actually stage left.

No, no, more stage right.

Like, when the fuck did I become a fucking

choreographer all of a sudden?

I mean, with all the
frustrated ex-theater majors

that now work in the Human
Resources Department,

you know somebody's got an
ex-Pat Australian somewhere.

Yeah.

You wanna know why I think that?

- [Man] Why?

- Because every morning
when the Gam Cam Grrl

masturbates at exactly 7:45 on the dot,

our intrepid NSA overlords

don't just call it like it is, like,

"Oh she's fingering herself again, Joe,"

or "She's diddling herself again, Chad."

No.

No, in order to avoid being fired

for inappropriate office
banter they have to say,

are you ready for this,

she's waking the wombat.

I kid you not.

Waking the wombat.

Those are where your tax
dollars are going folks.

People get paid six-figure salaries

to come up with this shit.
(crowd applauds)

(siren blaring)

- I don't want to jump to any conclusions

until we get all the
results back from the lab.

With the holiday weekend,

that'll probably not be until
the middle of next week.

Now until then, all we can do is sit back

and let's hope for the best.

- Thank you.

- I'm scared.

- Don't worry, Mom.

Everything's gonna be all right.

Let's try to think positive.

Okay?

Okay?

- Okay.

Okay.

- Yeah.

I'm good.

(pensive music)

- I think outside the box.

(phone dings)

the name of me contains the key

to opening the locks.

- Human Resources had to
revise the appropriate

word substitution guide to compensate

for the classified terms
that were compromised.

- This is classified information, Shane.

- You can't divulge it to anyone

who doesn't have top secret clearance.

- Yeah, not your mother.

Not your priest...

- And definitely not your
foul-mouth girlfriend.

- I think I have something here.

- What?

IMac for sale, 4K?

- It brought up this listing on Craigslist

for a 2002 vintage iMac
selling for $4,000.

Similar posts for the exact same model

are going for 10, maybe $25 max.

So this one is humongously overpriced.

- How did you come up
with iMac for sale 4,000?

- The letters F and W are
worth four points each.

So I used the numerical
value of those in lieu

of the letters to spell iMac for sale, 4K.

- Wow, we've had the Jaguar
computer at Oak Ridge

and the entire cryptography staff

at San Antonio and Augusta
working on this non-stop

and they haven't come up with
anything remotely like this.

Shane, this is, well it's
bordering on insanity.

- Hacking is more of
an art than a science,

in my opinion.

- So you're going to respond
to the ad with a limerick?

- I'm responding in kind to the limerick

she dealt in front of her twah, I'm sorry,

I meant to say pudendum, proscenium,

proscenium.

That's what I meant, uh, sorry,

old habits die hard.

- We're no longer calling it a proscenium.

That word has been compromised.

The new word for that portion
of the female anatomy is...

Hm, the cavern.

- Cavern.

I'll have to remember that next time

I go spelunking.

- This is serious, Shane.

It's inappropriate to joke about it.

- Sorry.

- Let's see what you've got.

My name is Shane Antar,

I'm searching near and
far, to find a place,

for face to face, perhaps your local bar?

- I had to make it rhyme.

At first I was going to end it with:

To find a place for face to
face to find out who you are

but I thought that might
be a bit presumptuous

so I ended with the bar line.

So here it goes.

Where it ends up, nobody knows.

- You're grasping at straws here, Shane.

I think that you should
spend your time here

at the office a little more productively

and I would suggest starting
with studying the revised

appropriate word substitution guide.

- Whoa.

It's almost one o'clock.

I need to meet Karol
for lunch in 15 minutes.

- And tell her to scrub
the classified bits

from her comedy routine or
there's going to be hell to pay!

(bright classical music)

- [Announcer] Hungry Lice!

(grunting)

(phone rings)

- Hi.

- Hi, Shane.

Sorry, I'm running late.

- I'm on a tight schedule, uh,

I went ahead and ordered
you a Thai Iced Tea.

- Thanks, uh, you know
what those fucking pricks

you work for did?

They took my YouTube post
down for my show last night.

Like, those motherfuckers!

It already had over 35 million views!

- They told me to tell you not to use

the classified stuff anymore.

- You knew about it but
you didn't do anything

to stop those fucking
bastards from doing it?

- Karol, I'm just a minnow in a very large

ocean over there.

I'm just trying to follow the rules

so I don't get sent back to prison.

- Whatever.

Thank God you got me a drink.

I'm thirsty as shit.

Mm, that hits the spot right there.

So, anything new and exciting

on the worldwide pussy safari?

- They really came down
on me about talking

about this with anybody.

It's top secret, Karol, okay?

And, besides, I've gotta go in 15 minutes,

so I'd rather not spend what little's left

of my lunch, like, talking about work.

(slurping)

- Well, speaking of work,

I just signed with an agent this morning.

- Oh, congratulations!

- Thank you!

Oh, um, uh, so how's your Mom?

- She's doing much better this morning.

Thanks for asking.

Gosh, she really did give
me a scare last night.

You know, my father died of a heart attack

while I was in the Pen.

She was all alone for
the past couple years,

(phone rings) - Oh, shoot!

Oh my gosh, I have to take this.

Sorry, hold on.

Hi, hi, Bruce, well, what's up?

Jimmy Fallon?

New, oh right, wait, in New York?

Are you serious?

Oh, my God, wait, what time's the flight?

Hell yeah!

I mean, okay, okay, I'm there!

Oh my God!

(laughs) I just, Shane,
my agent just got me

a flight to New York!

I'm gonna be on The Jimmy
Fallon Special tomorrow night!

You're coming with me!

You're gonna come with me to this!

- It sounds great.

What time's your flight leave?

- Oh, it's, it's in three hours.

- Oh, I, I can't just, like,

cut out on work like that,

I'll just, I'll take a later flight.

- Okay, yeah.

That's fine.

I'm gonna text you my room when I check

into the Plaza, Hotel and
it's gonna be so romantic.

Oh, you know what, I gotta go!

I gotta pack, I gotta get to LAX.

I've gotta get my stuff together!

But I'm gonna see you in New York, Shane!

- [Cami] Dear Shane.

My favorite bar is the Crusty Cossack

on Avenue of the Czars in Moscow.

Meet me there tomorrow night
at the Private Masquerade Ball.

You must wear a mask to get in.

Bring ID

And come alone.

I will show you everything
you need to know.

Cami.

- It's risky sending
our asset into that bar

all alone without backup
in a foreign country.

- Chad's right.

What if it's a trap?

And they're using Cami's Cavern as bait?

- The same bait that caused Agamemnon

to launch a thousand ships.

- And the war was begun.

(bright music)

- This is the mask you'll be wearing

to the Crusty Cossack tonight.

- Couldn't you have picked something

a little more attractive, Mr. Ambassador?

I mean it's sort of like a blind date.

- Oh, I don't think it qualifies as that,

do you, Gina?

- I wouldn't call it a blind date.

- Well, a first date at least.

It's definitely that.

- The Frankenstein mask has several unique

features which are advantageous

to our communication and
surveillance embellishments.

For example, in this stud-like protrusion

on the right side of the
face is imbedded a small

camera which gives us a live video feed.

And here in the left
nostril is a microphone

so we can hear what's going on, especially

to anyone directly in front of you.

- Cool.

- Place this receiver
bud in your left ear it

will allow us to always be
in communication with you.

Testing, one, two, three.

- Loud and clear, Boss.

Heh.

It's like I'm starring
in my own spy novel.

- Oh, but there's one more thing.

Let's not forget the GPS tracking device.

- Oh, right.

I've had some experience with those.

- Oh, no.

This particular model
does not go on your ankle.

It's considerably more discreet.

(singing in foreign language)

(speaks in foreign language)

- [Translator] What can I get you?

- May I have a lemonade.

(speaks in foreign language)

- [Translator] Only the best lemonade

for you, my friend.

(speaks in foreign language)

I trust you will find this

(speaks in foreign language)

better than expected.

(speaks in foreign language)

- [Translator] Thanks.

(singing in foreign language)

(phone rings)

- Hello?

- Hey, Lover!

Hey, hey, I keep trying to FaceTime

you but my calls aren't going through.

- I can't talk right now, Karol,

I'm in the middle of
something here at work.

- Oh.

Middle of something, yeah.

Yeah, right, right.

What you're in the middle of is watching

some other girl's proscenium

is what you're in the middle of, okay,

and the thought of this is really starting

to put a bug up my ass now

that we're in a relationship
so I, I think you should tell

your Boss you wanna be transferred

to a different department.

- Shane, this is not
the time to be talking

to your girlfriend.

There's important work to be done

in the service of your country.

- I, I mean, come on,
let's face it, you know,

we're talking about some major
pussy fatigue here, Shane.

You know, after your staring
at some girl's coot-coot

all day long the last thing

you're gonna wanna do when
you get home is pay any

attention to mine and when all is said

and done I'm gonna be the
one that's waking the wombat.

- We'll have to talk
about this later, Karol.

I'm sorry.

What the?

- Uh, I just lost picture.

Shane?

Can you read me?

Say yes if you do.

- Uh, Shane?

Shane!

Hello?

Shane, are you there?

Shane, come on, are you there?

Come on!

- Karol, I've gotta go.

Something just came up.

- So yeah, I'll, I'll
bet something came up,

I'll bet something came up all right.

Yeah, you need to let it go back down

so you can save it for me
tomorrow night on New Year's Eve!

(dramatic music)

- The GPS tracker shows Shane has gone

into the Men's Restroom.

Are you having technical difficulties?

- Yeah, I don't know what's going on.

Shane's not responding to me so I wonder

if his earbud went out too.

I mean, we're still getting audio I know

they're not jamming the signal.

(speaks in foreign language)

- [Translator] I've always
wanted to fuck Frankenstein.

(speaks in foreign language)

Ever since I saw my first monster movie.

(speaks in foreign language)

Please, Frankie.

(speaks in foreign language)

I want you to fuck me
right here on the sink.

(speaks in foreign language)

Will you please fuck
me on the sink, Franky?

- Yes.

(speaks in foreign language)

(speaks in foreign language)

- [Translator] Oh yes, Frankie,

I love the way you are
fingering my clitoris like that.

(speaks in foreign language)

Oh yes,

flick my little nubbin.

(speaks in foreign language)

Will you please fuck
me on the sink, Franky?

(speaks in foreign language)

Oh yes, what a big monster cock you have.

It's even bigger than
I thought it would be.

- Ooh.

Sounds like our asset is
seriously engaging his contact.

- The live Gam Cam Grrl
feed is not consistent

with what we're hearing through

the Frankenstein nostril microphone.

- Roger that.

Shane!

I am sorry to inform you that the woman

you are cavorting with
is not Cami Fawlkes.

I repeat, that is not Cami Fawlkes.

- Oh! (groans)

- [Translator] Oh yes, yes.

Ram your big hard monster
cock all the way inside me.

Harder.

Yes.

Just like that.

Fuck me harder.

Yes.

I want all of it.

All of your big monster cock.

Yes.

Yes, fuck me, fuck me, give me all of it

you big fucking hunk of manhood, you.

Oh yes.

Yes.

Oh, God, yes!

(moaning)

Yes, give me all of it.

Yes, oh, yes.

Yes, yes, oh, yes, fuck me.

Give me all of it you big fucking hunk

of manhood, you.

(farting)

Could you repeat that, please?

I didn't quite understand

what you said.

(toilet flushes)

(upbeat music)

- He's on the move!

He's leaving the Crusty Cossack!

- We're on it.

(bright music)

Okay, head east on Doobensky Boulevard.

Step on it, they're moving really fast!

I mean, I can't believe
how fast they're going!

Why aren't the Russian
police pulling them over?

- I feel so lost without
my translation app.

- No need to feel lost.

I speak perfect English.

- Oh, so all that stuff
back at the bar was just?

- Showtime.

To throw the bloodhounds off the scent.

- Are you Cami Fawlkes?

- No.

My name is Brin.

- Pleasure meeting you, Brin.

I'm Shane.

- Do you really want to shake the hand

that just had three
fingers up your rectum?

- Good point.

Elbow bump, maybe?

Heh?

- Oh, you Americans.

You always have the most peculiar customs.

I love it.

(bright music)

- Okay, turn right on Sebrinka Street!

Now right on Zbignew.

They've stopped.

We're closing in on the destination now

which is straight ahead.

Middle Ring Sewage Treatment Plant.

- I'd say we've been given a bum steer.

- Shit.

- So what's she like, Cami Fawlkes?

- Most men I encounter,
including lesbians like me,

consider her to be the
girl of their dreams.

- [Shane] Am I in heaven?

- Not yet.

- [Shane] Feels like I am.

- You're probably still
high from the ether,

Darling.

- Where am I?

- In a safe place.

Far from the prying eyes and
ears of your fellow employers.

- You're Cami Fawlkes.

- I am.

It is my deep pleasure to
finally meet you, Shane.

You were my hero when
I was in high school.

I followed your trial in the media

and wrote a blog about it.

I thought you should have been acquitted.

I was devastated when the
judge gave you 10 years.

- Do you ever take off the white gloves?

- Only when I'm awake.

If I were to start waking the wombat

in my sleep they could ID
me from my fingerprints.

- Smart.

So you know the NSA code words.

- Oh, thanks to your girlfriend posting

her stand-up routines on-line.

- Just so you know, they
just changed all the codes.

You won't be waking the wombat anymore,

from now on you'll be
stoking the stalactite.

Oops, I shouldn't have told you that.

It's classified, shh.

- So what is the deal with
you and Karol with a K?

Are you in love with her?

- Um, to be honest,

the relationship hasn't really
gotten off the ground yet.

We still haven't gone all the way.

- But you have gone down on her,

which she has described
in vivid detail in one

of her latest videos.

- I know.

It's a little embarrassing.

- Has she ever gone down on you?

- Not yet.

- See, I have found that
relationships work best

when there is a mutual
sense of reciprocity.

Otherwise they can tend to
be a little too one-sided.

- Yes, I, uh, you're absolutely right.

Like no one wants to be
in a relationship that,

that's just so, oh, yes.

Yeah, so, oh, too...

Too, one.

(moans)

Sided.

Hi, this is Shane.

I can't come to the phone right now

so please leave a message after the tone.

- Hi, Shane.

It's Karol.

I don't know why you're not picking up

your phone right now, um,

but I just wanted to let
you know that I booked

us a hotel at the Plaza
for, I got us a room

for tomorrow night for New Year's Eve.

You know that shit's fucking expensive,

I put it on a credit card though because,

whatever, you only live once, right?

I decided that tomorrow
night for New Year's Eve

I'm gonna to do a Facebook Live feed

and what I was thinking is
maybe we could meet each

other at the top of the
Empire State Building

but, um, I heard it's hard to get up

there on the top of the
building on New Year's Eve.

So I was thinking instead we could meet

at the tip of Times Square
like 41st and Broadway

and we're gonna meet there and surprise

everyone on my Live feed
because I've got like

two-million Instagram followers already.

But when we're done, we can go back

to the Plaza and we can
fuck like little bunnies

on the prairie in the middle of the snow.

Okay?

Huh, are you down, Shane?

(moaning)
(bright orchestral music)

- This is a project I am working on.

I call it Head Room.

Kind of like a gigantic
iteration of the mood ring.

- It's amazing.

This is exactly how I feel right now.

- Think of how you will
feel when I give you

my shadow internet technology and you get

your presidential pardon.

- But you're Russian, right?

- Da.

- Why would you give your technology

to the United States?

- Because right now I
am on a Putin-free diet.

And the U.S. is the last hope
for freedom in the world.

But the reason I brought you here, Shane,

is I need you to help me hack
The People's Bank of China.

- Whoa.

You think that's possible?

- I have been probing
their security systems

for the past year and I
have found a back door.

But there is a firewall with an encrypted

passcode that uses Chinese characters.

The passcode changes every hour

through a random sequence generator.

I expect to transfer 32 billion yuan.

That's around five billion U.S. dollars.

- Billion?

- Da.

Billion with a B.

If you help me hack I will
give you 5% of the take:

$250 million.

- I didn't feel bad about
hacking Western Ems Levee

because that's where human traffickers

and criminals kept their money.

But the Bank of China, that's
people's savings accounts.

- I promise I will not
touch any personal accounts.

Only the big government bureaucracies

and military-industrial complex.

You can do what you did
before with the money, Shane,

and give it all to charity.

Or you could start a foundation that cures

diseases or does some other
great good in the world.

You know, people with no money,

they can hope and wish
and talk all they want

about making the world a better place.

But money is what turns
those dreams into reality.

- When are you planning on doing the hack?

- Tonight.

New Year's Eve.

While everybody is partying,
leaving the henhouse door open

for foxes like us.

Think of all the good you could do

with a quarter billion dollars, Shane.

- Okay.
- Da?

- I'm in.
- Da?

Oh, there is also something else

that I need from you in
order for the plan to work:

I need you to have sexual
intercourse with me

at the time and the place of my choosing.

No questions asked.

(laughs)

- What?

- What is so funny about
you having sex with me?

- What is so funny?

I wake up in bed wearing a toga

with this beautiful
woman who gives me head

and then wants me to be
on standby to have sex

with her at the drop of a hat!

I mean, look at all this place,

is this a nut house or what?

I should have known this
was a wacky dream right

from the get-go.

- This is no dream, darling.

This is as real as it gets

and I need a commitment from you in order

for our relationship to further:

I need you to have sexual
intercourse with me at the time

and the place of my
choosing no questions asked?

I need a simple da or
nyet and I need it now.

- Da.

- Good answer.

(bright music)

(dial tone rings)

- [Shane] Hi, this is Shane.

I can't come to the phone right now...

- Pick up your goddam phone,
Shane, come on, It's Karol,

We're about to start taping for the show

in fifteen minutes and I was just calling,

you know, 'cause I just
wanna hear your voice.

You know, I'm, I'm nervous.

You know, I was thinking this all happened

so fast and I waited my whole life

for this and what if they
don't like me or what if,

what if I think I'm good
and I actually suck?

You know, and I'm, I'm so alone up here.

But, don't forget: tomorrow we're meeting

at the corner of 42nd and Broadway, okay?

Remember?

Times Square?

6:45?

Oh, don't forget, okay?

Love you, Babe.

(bright orchestral music)

- The passcode for the
back door uses a series

of Chinese characters.

So I am going to need you to
drive as my wingman tonight

to help me get through the final hurdle.

- This Pinyin Input didn't
exist back in my hey-day.

I'm going to have to practice
a bit to get my chops back.

- We will begin the hack
at 2:30 a.m. local time.

That gives you 11 hours to get

your fingers back in shape.

- Sorry to interrupt you, Queen Camille,

but are all systems still go for tonight?

- All systems are still a go.

- I didn't know you were a queen.

- There are a lot of things you still

don't know about me.

But you are about to find out.

Shane, this is Octavia,
commander of my Praetorian Guard.

- Pleased to meet you, Octavia.

- I missed you yesterday.

- I missed you too.

- How was your day off?

- Not nearly as good as my days on.

- Uh, don't mind me.

I'm just the Mandarin encryptionist here.

- This is Shane, my new partner in crime.

And my new lover.

- Mm, lucky you, Shane.

- Just so you know: all my
bodyguards are lesbians.

- Thanks for letting me know, Cami.

I would have never guessed it.

Not after what happened between
you and me this morning.

- The blowjob?

- Uh, yeah.

That.

The blowjob.

I'm sorry, but it was more than
just a blowjob to me, Cami.

- What was it to you then?

- I don't know.

A revelation?

That maybe, dumb, stupid,

naive Robin Hood of the
Internet me fell in love

with the woman whose
vagina I've been staring

at for the past four days.

- I am the B not the L in the LGBT.

Does that bother you, Shane?

Who all of Karol with a K's
followers know as Mr. LGBTQ?

- Uh, no.

- Well, then why do you
sound so disappointed?

- After what happened this morning

and you telling me about
the crush you had on me

in high school, I was hoping

that our relationship could be more

than just a one night stand.

Or one day stand, whatever.

- Just because I am an
openly bi-sexual woman

only means that you will have a girlfriend

with an added dimension.

That is all.

I promise you: our
relationship will never,

ever get boring.

- We were able to retrieve the mask,

his cell phone, and an old iPod

that had the woman's
pre-recorded voice on it.

One of our IT techs is
doing a voice analysis

on it right now.

- Hey, this thought just
occurred to me, Ron:

what if Shane has been in collusion

with the Russians all along?

You know, the Morse Code,

the exchange of cutesy limericks,

a Masquerade Ball in an
off-beat Russian bar.

- And how would they
even know he had a GPS

up his ass if he wasn't in on it?

- Exactly.

There's something about
this whole gam cam affair,

it just doesn't smell right.

And I plan on getting to the bottom of it.

(dramatic music)

- We have gotten to the final firewall.

Everyone please put on your
masks in case of a slip up.

You too, Shane.

- Oh, cool.

At least it's not the Frankenstein mask.

This kind of impedes my vision.

- You only have to wear
it for a few minutes.

Just for the distraction phase.

Okay.

Ladies and gentleman, it's showtime!

If Kim Kardashian's ass
can break the internet,

then my vulva ought to
totally obliterate it!

- All right, I'd like to welcome

all of you to my Facebook Live broadcast.

It's almost 6:30 Eastern Time

and I'm almost to the
corner of 42nd and Broadway

where I am about to
meet my boyfriend Shane

who just got back from like
Who-The-Fuck-Knows-Where

trying to hunt down the
infamous Gam Cam Grrl.

Too bad, bitch, because he's
coming to see me instead.

And when we get back to the hotel, I...

- Alright, Mr. DeMille, I
am ready for my close-up.

- For you, my queen.

There's a slight chance of rain.

- Thank you, Octavia.

- [Shane] I think I almost
got this figured out.

- Shane, not now.

Get over here, we don't have time,

we need major distraction.

- Whoa!

- I want you to have
sexual intercourse with me.

- Right, right now?

In here?

In front of your whole crew?

Not to mention the billions of people

logged on to your website.

- You said I get to choose
my time and place of choosing

and I chose my here and I chose my now.

So get to it, Shane.

- Okay.

Here we go, oh, I was
hoping maybe we could have

a candlelight dinner first?

Maybe a walk on the beach?

Catch a sunset?

- Just shut up and fuck me, Shane.

- Someone's about to go spelunking.

- I said fuck me not finger me.

- Sorry, old habits die hard.

- Holy fuck.

I just got a tweet from
my BFF Lulu back in L.A.

that says the Gam Cam
Grrl just got a little bit

of fingering action a few minutes ago

and some internet trolls
are saying that it's my,

my boyfriend was the
one doing the fingering?

It's total bullshit,
okay, fake news, people!

Okay, because Shane's
gonna be here any minute

and the only fingering action that gonna

be happening on this New Year's Eve

is on this little piece of
real estate, right there.

- The internet report
claims of a fingerprint

match to convicted felon Shane Antar

has just been confirmed by
an unnamed source at the FBI

This of course proves that Mr. Antar

has indeed made contact with
the infamous Gam Cam Grrl,

Cami Fawlkes, or rather is making contact

at this very moment.

- What the fuck?

You motherfucking son of a bitch!

You fucking cheater!

It's over, Shane, okay!

It's over!

It's O-V-E-R, over!

When I get back to L.A.,
I'm gonna take all your shit

that's in my fucking apartment
and I'm gonna throw it

all over the fucking sidewalk!

And I'm gonna stomp on your face

on the sidewalk!

I'm so fuck, wait, wait, no, why,

why the fuck don't I have
any internet connection?

What the Hell?

- The internet is down.

- What time zones?

- Worldwide.

- Masks off.

Shane, get back to your station!

Everybody!

- [Shane] We're in!

- Freeze the UTC clock.

- Done.

- Double-zero, double-zero,

31, automator resume.

- Done.
- Done.

- You froze the Universal Time Clock?

- For 15 minutes.

Any money transfers we
make during that time

won't show up on their internal audits

for another month and
by that time the funds

will be so laundered they'll never be able

to follow the trail.

Poof.

They'll be gone without a trace.

- Brilliant.

- Save the accolades for the after party.

Still got my east side there, Wingman?

- Gotcha covered, Pilot Cami.

- All right.

Are we still hacked into JumboTron?

- Yes, my Queen.

- Put up the pre-recorded video.

'Yes, my Queen.'

- Good evening to
everyone around the world.

My name is Cami Fawlkes.

I am interrupting your New
Year's Eve celebrations

to bring you an important message.

I hereby declare an end
to patriarchal ociety

that has been dominating our civilization

for the past 10,000 years,

and am announcing the dawn of a new age,

the Age of Mutual Respect and Equality.

To throw off the ropes and cast off

the shackles, the mere
Free The Nipple Movement

is simply not enough.

In order to completely free ourselves

from patriarchal oppression
we must free the vagina!

(bright music)

The method I used to create
my alternate internet

was based on pointillism,
the same technique

Georges Seurat used to
create this painting.

Tiny dots of color that
when viewed separately

are meaningless, but
when viewed as a whole

they create a complete picture.

I created my alternate internet using

the transmissions of
billions of cell phones

around the world.

The ground zero transmitter I secretly

installed at the top of Mount Elbrus.

That signal was then relayed to other

transponders on Annapurna
Massif, Mount Fuji,

Denali, Elbert, Illimani,

Kilimanjaro and Puncak Jaya.

The millions of cell phone bots within

their range would receive the bot-dots

and be re-transmitted through
the app on their phones

into the dark web and fed to their local

internet service providers

which no government was
able to trace or shut down.

- But how did you hijack
the billions of phones

around the world to
make all your bot-dots?

- [Announcer] Hungry Lice!

- [Announcer] Level twenty-one.

- Brilliant.

- All the encryptions, algorithms,
passwords and passcodes

are here on this eight terabyte drive.

Give this to the NSA and you'll receive

your presidential pardon.

- Thank you very much.

- The U.S. Embassy is filled with cameras,

so I will have Octavia
drop you off a couple

of blocks away.

I apologize for the blindfold, darling,

but there is no telling
what kind of mind games

those employers of
yours will play in order

to track my location
during your de-briefing.

Most of what you will tell them

will be the unvarnished truth.

But I will need you to
sprinkle in a few little

white lies for good measure.

- And she never took her
mask off the entire time

you were there?

- No.

She never did.

- Huh.

Well, the system checks out.

Including all of the codes for accessing

Hungry Lice apps on people's cell phones.

Reconnaissance satellite
images confirm locations

of mountaintop transponders,

it's everything you said it
would be in the de-briefing.

And our field operative in Moscow managed

to locate your phone.

- Great.

Thanks.

- Don't turn it on till
after you exit the building.

- Got it.

Just like in L.A.

- I find it hard to believe that a woman

that intelligent would
go to so much trouble

to fulfill some sexual fantasy
she had in high school.

- Those geniuses can do some
pretty crazy stuff sometimes.

Like, personally, I think it
was all just a publicity stunt

to bring attention to her
Free the Vagina Movement.

Oh, or Free the Cavern as
you would say at the NSA.

- I've been given authorization

by the Commander in Chief
to give you this upon

successful completion of your mission.

Thank you, Shane, for your service

to your country, you've
gone above and beyond

the call of duty.

And if you ever find
yourself needing a job,

the door is always open for you here.

- Thank you.

♪ Why's it taken so long
for my heart to get warm ♪

♪ Like a leaf that's
been torn its branch ♪

♪ By a violent winter storm ♪

♪ There's a light in a
place we've never been ♪

- Hey.

- Hi.

Hi, Shane!

Yeah, I'm so glad you picked up.

I didn't know if you would
after all the nasty things

I said about you on Facebook

the other night, so...

- It's all water under the bridge, Karol.

Let's let it slide.

I'm hoping we can still
be friends after this?

- Yeah, me too.

I started dating somebody recently.

- That's a pretty quick
turnaround considering

you just broke up with me two days ago.

So who's the lucky guy?

- His name's Johnny.

I just met him last week.

He's my new manager.

- Oh, that's great.

Congratulations.

Is he the one that got you
the gig on Jimmy Fallon?

- No, no, no, that was my agent.

I've got an agent and a manager now.

- Sounds like you hit the big time.

- Well, I have and that's what I need

to talk to you about, okay?

I have a business proposition for you but,

I don't wanna talk
about it over the phone.

- You're right.

The NSA is probably listening.

(chuckles)

I'm on an 11:30 flight out of BWI.

And it gets into Long
Beach around 2:00 Pacific?

- Okay, uh, then how about
a late lunch at Tubulicious?

Say around four-ish?

- I'm there.

- HBO and all the major networks

are in a bidding war for this.

- Yeah, they say Realitcoms are gonna

be the Next big thing.

- What's a Realitcom?

- It's a sitcom but based on a real event.

- Loosely based!

- And it stars all the real people

that actually lived it
in their real lives.

- You know, the important
ones, like, you and me.

- The Producers wanna start immediately.

- Gam Cam Guy?

That's what they're calling it?

- Pretty catchy, don't ya think?

- I mean, we're each
gonna make 50,000 a week

from this, Shane.

This is it, okay?

This is the next Big Thing.

- I'd like to read the script first.

- Okay, you can stay in here and read it

and Johnny and I are gonna hop outside

for a nice cigarette break.

- I don't smoke.

Uh, I mean, uh, yeah, why not?

Let's go get some fresh air.

- Excuse us.

(playful music)

- Boy, he really is cool as a cucumber.

I mean, I thought he'd
be coming in his pants

when he heard 50 grand a week.

- Yeah, me too, but you know,

that's just his personality, so.

I think he's almost
done reading the script.

- Ah, you know he's gonna love it.

I mean, it was written by
all the best writers in town.

- This is the worst thing
I've ever read in my life.

- But what didn't you like about it?

- None of these things
happened anything like this.

- Like I said: it's loosely based.

I mean, they gotta punch
up the comedy somehow.

- Listen, pal, they can't do the show

without you, okay, so, you know,

maybe I can get ya, like,
70-grand an episode.

- Please, Shane?

I need you to do this for me

so I don't just become
another flash in the pan.

- I'm sorry, Karol,
but I'm not gonna spend

the next three years
re-living the same week

of my life with a laugh track.

(upbeat music)

- [Woman] He looks exactly like Mr. LGBTQ.

- Who?
- You know, the Gam Cam Guy.

- [Woman] Oh, why would
he be working here?

- [Woman] Uh, excuse me,

could I have your autograph?
- Oh, it is him!

- [Woman] My cousin
Barbara is such a big fan!

- [Woman] Oh, my God, your performance

on New Year's Eve was amazing!

- [Woman] Can I have your autograph?

(voices chattering)

- [Man] Would you sign this for my wife?

- [Woman] Lord have mercy!

- [Woman] Could you sign my shopping list?

- [Both] Could you sign
this for me, please?

- Can I have your autograph?
- I'm such a huge fan.

- [Both] Can I have your autograph.

- [Man] You are so awesome, dude.

- [Both] Could I have your autograph?

- [Man] I wish I had the
balls to do what you did!

- [Woman] Can I have your autograph?

- [Woman] Could you sign this for me?

Please?

- [Woman] May I have your autograph?

- [Woman] Please, can
I have your autograph?

Please.

- I wish it could have worked out, Shane.

I really do.

You're a good guy.

You're just way too famous now.

It'd be totally disruptive
to our business.

(somber music)

(phone rings)

- Hello, Shane.

Is everything all right?

- I've decided to take
you up on your offer

and work for the NSA.

- Well how soon can you
relocate here to Maryland?

- Can't I work out here
in the L.A. office?

- Oh, no, we're downsizing
our staff there.

The only openings we have right
now are here at Ft. Meade.

We might have an opening in Augusta soon.

- No, I can't relocate right now.

My mother isn't well.

Maybe when she's better

in a month or so I'd consider moving.

But I can't leave her
right now the way she is.

♪ Train between stations ♪

♪ No one is sure of its true destination ♪

(sobbing)

- Mom, what's wrong?

What's the matter?

- Doctor, doctor say I have cancer.

- What?

- We have to sell the
house for the treatments.

- No, Mom, you're not
gonna sell the house.

I'm going to take care of you

like you've always taken care of me.

Okay?

Okay?

- Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

(laughing)

- Oh!

Come off.

Oh, come, uhh, my yoga pants are stuck

in this thing-a-ma-jig on your leg.

Can't you take it off?

- No, I can't, it's part

of my doctoral dissertation
in Anklenomics.

- Anklenomics?

- It's a relatively new field.

Uh, it's hard to get a scholarship

in this field because, uh,
nobody wants to foot the bill.

(laughing)

- Shane Antar?

- Yes?

- LAPD.

You're under arrest!

- For what?

Telling jokes with bad punch lines?

- No.

Parole violation.

Tampering with a GPS tracking device.

- Ah, Anklenomics, my ass!

- I'm sorry I lied, Karol.

It was a misfired attempt at getting

into your yoga pants without
having to endure anymore

downward-facing-dog.

Brrrrrr!

- Well, I mean, if you wanted to get

into my yoga pants so bad,
why didn't you just say so!

Instead of pulling the wool over my eyes.

- Can I see some ID, mam?

- Anklenomics, ah!

Oh, sure, I'm an ankler,
I'm studying anklenomics.

(laughing)

Anklenomics, anklenomics!

Anklenomics, who would have thought?

- Hold it!

- Hey!

You can't go fishing in
my sock drawer like that!

- Why not?

- Because that's where
I keep my, sock puppet!

(laughing)

- I just doing my job.

Searching for weapons.

- Hey.

- Hey, what's this?

- That's not a weapon!

That's a banana creme pie!

- Hey, in the wrong hands,

anything can become a weapon.

- My parole officer's right.

Even a banana cream pie
can become weaponized.

(crowd laughing)

- Let's add assaulting a parole officer

to that list of crimes.

- Let's make that assault
with a deadly weapon.

- Well, I didn't know a banana
cream pie could be deadly.

- Well, it is if you're
allergic to bananas.

- Bye bye.

♪ Gam Cam, Gam Cam ♪

♪ Gammy gam, Gam Cam Guy ♪

(upbeat music)

- Is someone there?

- There's a van backing into our driveway.

I hope it's not another crazed fan.

I'll check it out.

- Oh, okay.

Be careful, Shane.

- [Announcer] Hemorrhoids
flaring up again, Bob?

- [Bob] Yeah, no bike
ride for me this weekend.

- Excuse me, can I help you?

- Yes, we could use a little manly help.

- Indeed.

- Octavia.

Brin.

- [Together] Happy Valentine's Day!

(romantic music)

- She kept her word.

- Of course.

- She always keeps her word.

(playful music)

- Where do you want these?

- Let's put 'em in the garage for now.

- After we're done unloading these,

we'll drop you off at her new address.

(upbeat music)

- Did you miss me, darling?

- Terribly.

Happy Valentine's Day.

- Oh!

Oh, I love roses!

You know, out of all
the flowers in the world

roses are my favorite.

(soft music)

- I was starting to think I'd
never hear from you again.

- No way.

I would never let that happen to our love.

Our love, it's just beginning.

Unfolding is probably the
better English word to use.

Our love is one they will be writing

about for ages.

We will be right up there with
Marc Antony and Cleopatra.

With Nicholas and Alexandra.

Shane and Tanya.

- Tanya?

- Cami Fawlkes was just my nom de guerre.

My real name is Tanya Diaghileva.

- Okay.

Well, Tanya, thank you
for keeping your promise

about the money.

Soon as my contract expires in May,

I'm gonna quit that ridiculous Realitcom!

- No!

You will stay with it
for all three seasons.

More if the ratings
are still good by then.

You need to stay in the public eye, Shane.

Gam Cam Guy is just a
springboard for bigger

and better things.

This shitcom is all part
of the essential plan.

- I'm not robbing any more banks with you,

Cami, I mean, Tanya.

- Banks?

Phew.

Banks!

We are so beyond banks, darling.

We are now painting on the big canvas.

The world is our oyster and
with you and I as a team

there is no limit as to what we can do.

So here is the plan:
First, we get married.

Then you run for open Senate
seat here in California.

You will win of course because
of your popularity from TV.

Then you will publish a book called

"Make America Rich Again, For Good."

I already had a mock-up of the cover done.

It will be a best seller.

Yeah.

Then you run for president.

You will be the first
Asian-American president

and I will be the first
openly bisexual First Lady.

- A menage e trois in the Oval Office.

What a concept.

- Besides that, think of
all of the good we could do

in such a place of power.

So, are you down for it, Shane?

- Cami?

- Tanya.

- Sorry, old habits die hard.

Tanya?

- Da?

- Will you marry me?

- Da, darling.

Da.

- Good answer.

Let's seal the deal.

(gentle music)

(upbeat music)

♪ If I painted a thousand
different pictures ♪

♪ Would they be worth a million words ♪

♪ Used a song with many mixtures ♪

♪ Sung by 100 million birds ♪

♪ Soon as the sun went down this evening ♪

♪ Something inside me seemed to say ♪

♪ Seeing is not always believing ♪

♪ Sometimes you feel a different way ♪

♪ I think it's time to let go ♪

♪ Let go, let go, let go ♪

♪ I think it's time to
let everything you know ♪

♪ Go just for the moment ♪

♪ Before you've outgrown it ♪

♪ This moment you own it ♪

♪ Let go, let go, let go ♪

♪ Let go, let go, let go ♪

♪ Every now and then you
get to feel like this ♪

♪ Like being in a dream
it's really real like this ♪

♪ Like seeing everything
for the very first time ♪

♪ You don't wanna miss a thing ♪

♪ Let go, let go, let go ♪

♪ You know what I'm talking about ♪

♪ When it gets this good,
you'll be rockin' it out ♪

♪ Because your body's gotta move ♪

♪ And everybody's gotta shout ♪

♪ Let go, let go, let go ♪

♪ Let go, let go, let go ♪

♪ I think it's time to
let everything you know ♪

♪ Go just for the moment ♪

♪ Before you've outgrown it ♪

♪ This moment you own it ♪

♪ Let go, let go, let go ♪

♪ Let go, let go, let go ♪

♪ Every now 'n then you
get to feel like this ♪

♪ Like being in a dream
it's really real like this ♪

♪ Like seeing everything
for the very first time ♪

♪ You don't wanna miss a thing ♪

♪ Let go, let go, let go ♪

♪ You know what I'm talking about ♪

♪ When it gets this good
you'll be rockin' it out ♪

♪ 'Cause your body's gotta move ♪

♪ And everybody's gotta shout ♪

♪ Let go, let go, let go ♪

♪ You know what I'm talking about ♪

♪ When it gets this good
you'll be rockin' it out ♪

♪ 'Cause your body's gotta move ♪

♪ And everybody's gotta shout ♪

♪ Let go, let go, let go ♪