Gallivant (1996) - full transcript

When your daddy was a little girl... little
boy... we used to fetch him down here.

When Daddy was a little boy.

And Peter.

And... Jonathan.

And Mark.

Now you're a little girl, and we
brought you down here. Isn't that nice?

Now, what you doing now?
Are you gonna fight me?

Oh, you're clapping now.

Clap-clap.

Clap-clap.

Well, in the olden days, we used to go in,



have a cup of tea...

- Tea...
- Yes.

- ..go and have some dinner.
- Mmm?

Yes. And then we used to
go down to the fair...

and go on the roundabouts.

Do you want to go on the roundabout?

No? Do you want to go on the swings?

No?

What do you want to do, then?

I know what you want to do.

Eh?

Tomorrow we're going to another place.
Are you coming?

Yeah.

We're going to get in the car,
and we're going somewhere else.



Do you want to come?

Or shall we leave you at home?

The most important journey you'll make
this year will be when you go on holiday

But where would you like to go?

The Englishman's home is his castle.

The trouble with him
is, on holiday, he's

been there, done it,
and he's fed up with it.

Ever seen a bloke with three alligators
and two snakes in the back of a lorry?

You can see where a lot of
the old wives' tales come from.

Nowadays,
people seem to be continually on the move,

the picturesque scenery of Britain
as a background,

and absolutely unequaled entertainment
and accommodation.

My mother and I always wore hats,
coats and gloves,

even though it was in the
middle of a heat wave.

They are given a neat little label to
wear, with their names and chalet numbers.

If I've got the wireless on, I don't want
all this fucking jitterbug music. You know.

Two police officers were left... distorted,

after a man they tried to talk...
Beachy Head... jumped in front of 'em.

We're traveling with my
daughter Eden, and my grandmother Gladys.

Any advice you'd like to give them?

Don't go out. Stop in of a night-time.

She'll get mugged.
Good-looking woman like that.

Short, bald-headed.
Got no hair on her legs.

Stay in.

There goes the boat.

- Look.
- Yeah.

The man's in the boat.

That's Barry in the boat. Do you know him?

Eh?

Yes, there he is, in the boat.

At the moment,
the tide is heading out towards the sea.

I said I wouldn't have thought, if he
could swim, he would have killed his self.

Would you have thought so?

The man who threw his self over yesterday.

- I can't understand.
- Oh, you're not English? Oh!

And we can't understand you!

No, he threw his self over.

Over there.

Finished him.

But there is no road.

25.

20 years old?

- No, fünfundzwanzig?
- 25, yes.

Over the top.

That is a car?

No. Just over the top he went.

Committed suicide.

And the boat's turning round now, Eden.

See it turning round? It's coming back.

Places of interest
are very few and far between.

I'd like to point out
that commentaries on these

boats on the Thames
are done by us the crew

to try and make your trip
a bit more enjoyable.

Bognor Regis. Portsmouth.

Bournemouth. Weymouth.

Lyme Regis.

We didn't go there, did we?

Abbotsbury.

- How far are you going?
- 7,000 miles.

You're going right round the coast?
When did you start, Land's End?

Bexhill-on-Sea. De La Warr Pavilion.

Oh, you're local, you are.

And the little girl said, "I saw a ghost."

And she cried.

And she wanted her mummy.

And her mummy said...

"Don't cry...

else I'll have the ghost come after you."

And how's that? All right?

The little patients
are often born to healthy parents.

Although Joubert
Syndrome is not something

you'll stumble across
in, for instance, a book,

it is an autosomal disorder
characterized by a variable combination

of central-nervous,
respiratory, and eye anomalies.

There is vermis ataxia, tachypnoea,

alternating with periods of apnoea
and jerky eye movements.

Life expectancy is not good, and few,
if any, sufferers survive into adulthood.

All right. Hold on tight.

I've been told many times that Eden's
life expectancy wasn't particularly good.

Her great-grandmother Gladys,
now living on her own -

yes, we'll be round one
of these days to visit-

hardly knew her great-granddaughter

And so, like the desire to
tongue a passing milk tooth,

I'd been wanting to bring the three
of us together and make a journey.

So, we started at Bexhill-on-Sea,
and we're now traveling around the coast.

This zigzagging voyage was intended
to be a connection and revelation,

a chance to meet people
and marvel at the landscape,

spend some time together,
before the opportunity was missed,

and perhaps the three of us
might have to go our own separate ways.

- The water splashing on you?
- Yeah.

Is it?

We'll soon be there.

# What shall we do with the drunken sailor?

# What shall we do with the drunken sailor?

Push him over... the sea.

We'll push him over the sea.

Have you been on a boat before?

You're a man, ain't you?
But you don't know much about boats.

Tell Eden about when we were kids,
Gladys, and we used to come down to Beer.

Do you wanna know when
your daddy was little,

and we used to fetch him to the seaside?

- Eh?
- Yeah.

And he used to play in the sand.

Yeah!

I never pulled him on a boat.

Another man did.

Yes.

And he's got me on this boat
under false pretenses.

Yes.

Are you doing yours properly?

What do you think being young is?

They've got a rough life,
the youngsters today.

Why's that?

Ask your government and they'll tell you.

What about being old?
What's being old like?

Well, there's two ways of looking
at being old, isn't there?

One being in a wheelchair,
and one rowing a boat.

Which one are you?

One that's rowing a boat. An old 'un.

Do you think that your
spirit will live for ever?

Well, I hope so.

So, when you're gone, do you think
your spirit's going to continue?

Well, it all depends whether He takes me
up above or not, or wants me...

Damn lucky... She pulled it off!

Did you ever think
that you might fall off the earth?

No.

But I will one day. Won't we, Eden?

Yes.

What you got your eyes covered up for?

Hallsands.

Not a lot left of it 98 years
later, is there?

What were there? 79 adults?

35 houses.

Their hard luck was,
it was the First World War.

Who could pay much attention
to a little community like Hallsands? Eh?

A terrific northeasterly gale
raged this Friday afternoon,

and was still raging at Start Bay
on Saturday morning.

It has played havoc with the little
fishing village of Hallsands.

The shingle bank
was removed on behalf of the war effort,

and now there are only
two houses remaining.

It used to be broken, you see,
by the shingle bank out there.

Beyond those waves that you can see there.

So, there it was.

The storms. The sea.
Gouging the whole lot out.

Day by day,
taking it back out into the bay.

20 years after they'd started,
what was left? One house.

One family.

On a day like this,
you can almost hear the ghosts of them.

That river's haunted, innit?
They say!

You don't want to see a
ghost, surely to God.

Can you notice it at all?
Does it appeal to you, how the water...

This is like a sudden change
on the surface of the water.

We were talking about the question

of how far it would be
to walk round the coast of Britain.

And if you took a piece of wet string,

you'd get an even longer distance.

In fact, it would boil down to the
question of: How long is a piece of string?

# A sailor went to sea, sea, sea

# To see what he could see, see, see

# And all that he could see, see, see

# Was the bottom of the deep, blue...

I don't know. When you look around here,

there is some poor old
souls in wheelchairs!

On the front of the boat,
can you see the lifting derrick?

Yeah, they've got a hull at the front.

Supply ship.

It's a supply ship.
She lands the gear with

it. She lands the supplies
off the ferryboat.

It's a bird sanctuary.

You've got one. You can see it.

He likes watching the boats.

But there's not a lot on the north coast.
Far more goes on on the south coast.

He likes to go places.

Steve! Oi! Steve.

Steve, come here and tell us something

about escape-velocity technology
and the earth-circuitry thingy-majiggy

Just talk into the mike.
'Ere. Bend down and talk into the mike.

..are live transmissions,
monitored for picture quality,

before going onto the TV companies,

which cuts out the confusion you'd get
if they're transmitting.

All satellite stations around the world
operate to that.

The digital one is Greenwich Meantime.

Now, the tape I'll play now
will explain this in a lot more detail.

Here at Goonhilly,
circuits are in such demand

that you might think
very little is going on.

By transmissions
we mean telephone conversations, telex,

facsimile, television.

So, what precisely is carried
22,000 miles out in space?

British television pictures and radio.

We import and export news
without any difficulty.

Data transmissions...
Nothing could be farther from the truth.

Nothing could be farther from the truth.

Truth.

Here, with the action speeded up,
we see the leaves unfolding from the buds.

They look especially beautiful when the
sunlight shines through them, like this.

Think there's a cave somewhere, where
Arthur and all his knights are sleeping,

waiting to come back to the rescue
of Britain when he's needed?

The traveling was working well
as a mental distraction,

and a means of understanding.

By the time we passed
Land's End I was struck

by an incredible sense
of loss and yearning.

Then, in St Agnes,
I was told of giants and years gone by.

The story of Giant Bolster
is one full of romance and tragedy.

We believe so.

Giant Bolster had a very hard-working wife,

who had the extra burden
of having to carry all

his rocks up to the top
of the beacon for him,

so that he could take these
and throw them down

to the giants at Carn Brea
and down as far as Penzance and Marazion.

He one day met St Agnes,

who was a young maiden
of some 14 years of age.

And he fell
totally head-over-heels in love with her.

He asked her to marry him, and she refused,
and he wouldn't take no for an answer.

So, she took him to a small hollow
on the top of Chapelporth,

and said to Bolster,

"If you can fill this small hollow
with your blood, then I am yours."

And Bolster laughed, and the hills rocked.

And he said,
"That's no challenge. That's easy."

And he sat down,
and he cut his wrist, and

held it over this shallow
dip in the hillside.

Unfortunately for poor Bolster, he didn't
know that this hollow ran out to the sea.

And down the cliffs poured his blood,
until Bolster was no more.

Oh, yeah,
I wouldn't mind being a lollipop lady

Patrons are playing Wales,
and we're winning just at the moment!

But with this game
today, I'm pleading insanity!

We liked it best before it was
raining, when it was hard and running fast.

I play at Perranporth,
and our green keeper's very good.

Oh, shit!

You didn't have it.

If I go down there, I'll never get back up!

- That's for the men.
- Oh, blow that!

Oh, hell's bells!

I used to work in the
steelworks, but I've

retired many years now,
and I live in Tredegar.

- I'm 25 miles from Cardif...
- .. up the valley!

In London they're all too
busy. Busy-busy-busy.

Haven't got time to talk.

They're either catching a train or...
When I went back there...

We'll soon be there.

I said to him,
"We'll have to go and see

this Hartland Point you
keep talking about!"

What are you filming? Not Channel 4,
is it? Cos we had somebody coming down...

That's us, yeah. That's us.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah...

In the mornings, man,
they'd be all dancing,

and the women would be starkers,
dancing round in the mud,

and it would all be one big laugh.

Come on, lads.
Let's get out in the van and go to sleep.

Where are we gonna wash?

The first thing you should
know how to say in Welsh is "hello".

Look at the Wales sign. Wales.

We're going to catch up with a Laing van
now on your left, which will be quite nice.

We might be able to run parallel with him
for a while.

"Do you speak Welsh?"

Port Talbot looks brilliant at night.
Let me go and film some Port Talbot.

Not "Little Bo Peep has lost her sheep,

and don't know where to find them?

Leave 'em alone, and they'll come home,

bringing their tails behind 'em."

- No.
- No?

What?

Yeah, this one this way.
That way or this way?

And have you learnt anything about Eden?

Yes.

We're learning a hand sign, aren't we?

We know when you want something, don't we?

Tell me something about what's
happened to you in the last week.

The last week?
What happened to me in the last week?

I went filming with your
daddy, didn't I, Eden?

Where did we go?

Seaside.

And where are you now?

You're asking me a question
now, aren't you?

Where do you reckon you are?

In Cornwall somewhere.

Are you in Cornwall?

Yes, we are. Aren't we, Eden?

Come on. Over to me.

Is this Cornwall? Do you know?

Where is it? We don't know where we are!

You're not serious? - Yeah.
Where is it? I've forgotten the name.

You seriously don't know where you are?
Mumbles, Swansea.

We're in Mumbles, Swansea.

Mumbles, Swansea.

We're in Mumbles, Swansea.

Another foot. Another foot on.

But I don't know. I can't see no harm
if you come on straight for another foot.

What you want to do now is go up the road.

There's a path at 500 yards, and there's
plenty of room for you to turn round.

Up on the hill,

some men live,

and they're Indians.

They've got feathers in their hair...

..and they live up there all by their self.

- Shall we go and see 'em?
- Yeah.

We're in the Gower Peninsula,

to report the plight of a community
at war with its landlord.

The community is called Holtsfield,

and it is, to say the very least,
a peace-loving place.

But now the new landlords wish them away
Be gone!

Holtsfield is a small community
of very decent people,

who live their lives,
and don't interfere with anybody else...

- I should imagine they're friendly.
- Oh, yes, indeed.

If one hasn't got half a
loaf, the other one has.

I mean,
all the people in the surrounding

villages-- Bishopston,
Murton, and Manselfield--

you know, they're behind them to a man.

Hello.

- Hello.
- These chaps...

want to get them turfed out
to build executive houses,

if you can imagine anything more horrible
going here than executive houses.

And it's been a big fight,
starting at the bottom.

It's the House of Lords next,
and they've lost every step they've taken.

Come on. Get in the picture. She smells.
She's been rolling in something horrible.

The government has spoilt our place.
We've got motorways here, motorways there.

Yes. Supermarkets.

All the old...
where you did it up in a parcel,

took it home...
is all done away with.

And the government has done nothing.
Only just build and build and build.

Oh, they won't.
They're a supine lot of blighters.

You think they are?

- What, the government?
- Yes.

- Oh, layabouts.
- Thank you. Thank you.

Their mind's on one thing only.

Yeah, making money.

Yes, and robbing the
poor to pay for the rich.

- Is that thing going?
- Yes!

That is quiet, isn't it?

This is what old film cameras sound like.

It's a shame, really,
when people buy a house...

Well, like yourself,
if you only live local.

You buy a house, and
then, in a few years,

you're ate up with
townhouses, motorways and...

And this is a beautiful country.

Oh, yes, indeed. But I mean...

I mean, we've come from London,
so we know what it's like.

The children - there are
lots of children here-

they are the best-behaved
kids, full of fun.

They don't do an ounce of damage.
They never vandalize anything.

They never chuck their litter
around, cos they're

brought up so near
nature, they respect it.

It's only delicacy
stopped me looking round!

When I pass remarks here,

there's no writing on the walls,
there's no bus shelters smashed...

Oh, keep away from Swansea
on a Saturday night.

It's like the Wild West.

We will rob the village!
We steal your horses. We take anything!

So, where have we been?

Started of at Bexhill.
Went down to Bournemouth.

Cornwall. Wales.

- Where are we going from there?
- We're going up to Scotland after here,

all the way round John o'Groats,
down the east coast.

Well, get moving,
because the nights are drawing in,

and you won't get much fine weather.

I thought you had to stand behind
and crank the thing!

I had a bad education,
and now I'm on bad wages.

No education, no job.

The English look at the Welsh, and they
think it's still coalmines and things.

It's a different...
It's crazy, like, innit?

I feel ashamed that I can't speak Welsh.
You know.

Cos you don't see a lot of Wales on telly.
It's all English. TV is all English.

They always think they're
better than the Welsh.

They're arrogant towards the Welsh.
They are. They think they're one up, like.

They own houses, anyway, so they've
all got money, living by the seaside.

Give us some jobs. Do something for Wales.
Why don't they, like?

We've got the Prince of Wales.
Well, what's he doing?

Come on. Let's be fair.

I'd love to know what's beyond this.
Everybody would.

I went to a Catholic school with nuns.

I reckon everyone should go to jail.

No.

Yeah. The food -
that's the only thing that's bad in prison.

It's no good.

I've think of death a lot, I do.
I'm not frightened of it.

I think of it a lot. I wonder what's going
to happen when I die. You know what I mean?

Yeah, stay with the coast.
Follow the coast round.

Just different generations.

Hey, there's a song out,
Who The Fuck Is Alice?

Yeah, Who The Fuck Is Gladys?

We've got to get up very early tomorrow,
and go in the car.

And then we've got to go
right round the seaside again.

Yeah.

- Shall we go on the bus?
- Yeah.

Or on the tram?

On the bus?

- On the tram?
- Yeah.

Show me how you do it, then.

Oh, goes like that, does it?

Oh, I see.

Show me where the stars are.

- There.
- Up in the sky.

And where's the moon?

That's right. Up in the sky.

Can you hear the horses running?

- Yeah.
- Listen to 'em.

Galloping.

So, that means we've got to go to sleep.
Good night, stars.

About half-four, mate.

Well, if you're going to Elegug Stacks...

right, within a hundred yards
you've got the Green Bridge of Wales.

So, you might as well see
that while you're here.

That's the bridge into Wales from Ireland?

No, you're getting
silly, aren't you?

It's the Green Bridge of Wales.

It's a natural rock, where the
sea has eroded through both sides,

and formed a natural arch.

I'm sure, if you ask about the
church that's built down into the rocks,

and you walk through this
little sort of chapel...

I lost count of how many there was,
coming down.

I reckon there was a hundred, anyway.

It's legend that you count them down
to the well, and count them back up,

and you'll never get the same amount
each time.

There's a place in the ground or wall there
where you used to disappear,

when people came round hunting.

At that time,
the old religion was a bit rife, wasn't it?

- I wouldn't fancy walking across there.
- No, I can't do it.

I get vertigo on that center bit.

Of course you could, couldn't you?
Be classed as a Virgin Mary.

In giving the "I am
ready to be overtaken" signal,

the right arm must be moved
backwards and forwards like this.

Go on! Go on!

Be quiet again, boys. Come on.
You've enough time now.

9, 12, 14... Off we go.

Go on. Straight, straight!

Why've you got the mike standing up?

There's nothing to hear.

The sea's far away.

My name's Ricky. His name's Gareth. Gareth.

And where are you?

In Dolgellau. And he's in Cardiff.

Cos he's naughty.

Ricky Andrew Davies, Galli Mali Gwyn,
Vincent Jeffrey Jones, Vincent Van Gogh.

My favourite football player's Ryan Giggs,
and I support Man U.

So do these two, except Vincent Van Gogh.

I went on the umbrella slide. Bye-bye.

I had to set my mind on winning, really.

Well, back to reality,
after watching himself on the box.

Get your finger out the way.

"I come from England."

I mean, she could be a... What shall I say?

..a lovely, holy girl, as she grows older.

But don't shut her away...
be a Virgin Mary.

The past is hidden beyond the intellect,

in some object of which we have no inkling.

This is the shabby,
second-hand symbolism of our times,

that my grandson has been driven to.

Dog.

Just up the road from Gop Hill.

It's a burial chamber.

And this is a place...

where, if you spend long enough...

you can get to hear the ancestors
talking to us... late at night.

- Is the world moving too fast, Doug?
- Yeah.

I'll put you down.

Put you down there.

And... as I was explaining earlier
on, up there...

..we can see one man and his dog.

Gop Cairn. Gop Hill.

Near... Offa's Dyke...

..in Wales.

Landscape film-making for the masses.

Gary, can we get some macro, please?

If that's possible. Some tight shots of...

Came of very well indeed.

And some perspiration.

Can we just check the light?
See what we're getting.

Right. That's one, two
99s, wafer and a choc ice.

Under the Mersey Tunnel,
and out the other side?

Yes. Whereabouts was that? In Scotland?

I think a lot of it's quite
straightforward, really. Just feed them.

A lot of people don't put any feed on them,

and they expect to get marvelous blooms.

And there's never any fear of a big
wave coming and washing it out to sea?

I don't think so, no!

And here our camera shows us
how the forsythia flowers open gradually

This is a Pink Lady's Slipper.

Here is Wild Arum Cuckoo Plant.

And here is a buttercup.

"Linda woz 'ere + now she's gone.

She's left her name to turn you on.

Those that know her know her well.

Those what don't can rot in hell."

I've never been to Blackpool
for years and years.

How much is it?

Pay what you like.
I don't mind. All right?

- A pound?
- Ta very much. Thanks, love.

- Cheers!
- Bye-bye.

Tomorrow we're going to another place.
Are you coming?

Yeah.

Good morning. I'm phoning up
for some information about allotments.

We have 700 allotments available
in the Barrow borough area.

I mean, is the soil good for flowers?
Does it riddle easily?

Well, some of it's quite clayey. But,
like I say, it varies from site to site.

Yeah, you can work with it, smashing.

It riddles easy. You can shovel...

It's very sandy. It's very sandy.
It's good stuff.

And here and along the road... If you go
to the outside road, it's heavy and clayey.

They used to live on the outside road...

Come on, Gladys and Eden.
Hurry up. Get your skates on.

It's a long way to go.

Man will invent things to destroy himself.

And it's true.

What are you making the film for?

- We're doing a trip round Britain.
- Is it going to be a TV series?

What are you doing?
Just scenery or... you know?

Yes, they rot the clothes,

so that people buy more
clothes and keep the

factories going for them
to get more profits.

There's acid in it, you know.
Your clothes would fall to pieces.

It would be like... remember
that new soap powder a couple of years ago?

They did away with it, cos it
rotted clothes. Too much acid in it.

Remember? A couple of years ago.
Oh, there was a hoo-ha about it.

And it was withdrawn from the market.

They rotted when you put them on.
Felt a bit... you know!

I'm making this trip round the coast
with my grandmother and daughter Eden,

and I wondered if there's
any advice you'd give

to traveling with a
grandmother and a daughter

Well, I think...

..if I'm traveling with my son...

..I would want to know

that you'd everything... ready for
me, if anything were to happen to me.

Yeah, that's a good idea. Yeah.

And... always have plenty in the box.

- Yeah. First-aid kit.
- Yeah, first aid and stuff like that.

And you know, things like that.

Is there a difference between people
on the coast and those inland?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, I don't think I could
live anywhere out of sight of the sea.

No.

Born and bred in Whitehaven.
Can see the sea from where I live.

Went to sea in the merchant navy.

Worked in the North Sea on the oil rigs.
Always, sea's part of my life.

I couldn't live...
I couldn't live inland, away from the sea.

No. I used to be worried
when he was on the rigs, but...

But mums do, don't they?

He's here, safe and sound, at the moment!

Do you know any local songs, Marian?
Traditional songs?

- Just Do Ye Ken John Peel?I know that.
- How does that go?

# Do you ken John Peel...

I can't hear you! I can't hear you.

- I forgot it!
- No, you haven't, Mother.

- Maybe you could prompt her, George.
- You're just shy.

Come on. "Do ye ken John
Peel, with his coat all gray?"

- You were scratching yourself again.
- Yes, you were!

Well, it isn't itchy.
It's just a natural thing.

- Yeah, but you keep scratching yourself.
- Stop doing it!

Change your washing powder!

No. No, no, no.

No, no, no.

Marian, what do you
think's traditional? What

is traditional?
What does that mean to you?

Well, traditional is something
that you should never forget.

You should always think
of things that's gone by.

We can all learn from history.

Like Cumbrian...

Tatie Pots.

And it's absolutely gorgeous.
Now, that is a Cumbrian dish.

Have you never seen anybody gurning?

Can you gurn?

And are there any local gurning champions
that you know of?

Well, the champion comes from
about three or four miles from Egremont.

- About four miles from here.
- Yeah.

I'll take Eden back,

and we'll catch you up later.

Sitting on the old dock of Port Carlisle,
once a bigger dock than Liverpool.

For a couple of years, at any rate.

It was built when Carlisle...

When the ships got too big
to sail up to Carlisle itself,

they built the port dock here,
and a canal into Carlisle.

And you don't think maybe
it's a bit radioactive,

from the old Sellafield
down the coast?

No, I don't think so.

That's just a...

That's just a scare.

Well, I've eaten fish out of here, and
I've walked here, and I've taken no hurt.

- Are you still alive?
- Yes. Well, I think so.

What about you, John?
Have you eaten fish from here?

- Any amount.
- And you're still alive.

I think that's just a scare.

We took a flounder...
I took a flounder in...

to somebody that had a Geiger counter.

And he had to put it...
put it onto "multiply by a thousand",

to get any reading at all.

And he got 500 times more reading
off a luminous watch.

So, you don't think the world is
maybe speeding up a bit too fast?

Oh, I certainly think
the world's speeding up a bit too fast.

But as long as there's so many people in it
as there is, that's inevitable.

And what about...
You were saying earlier on, if

you had a mouth organ,
you'd play a little ditty.

John can sing. Is that right?

- Can you give us a local song, John?
- You must be joking!

- Hodgson knows all the sea shanties.
- Does he?

No, I don't know the sea shanties. Go on.

You must have,
when you were on the Mary Celeste!

On the Mary Celeste!

But there's no...
Well, I know Drunken Sailor.

There's no local songs round
here, then?

No, very few. Just John Peel.

And how does that one go?

Go on. Sing John Peel for them.

I'll give you a tenner
if you sing John Peel.

What key do you want it in?

Give it to me in C.

Oh, Hodgson, you'll have to give us
a hand out here, because...

Go on. You sing. I can't sing.
You know what my voice is like.

- Have you got the mouth organ?
- No.

Well, that's it. That's it.

Oh, he's got it.

# Do ye ken John Peel,
with his coat so gray?

# Do ye ken John Peel
at the break of the day?

# Do ye ken John Peel when he's
far, far away

# With his hounds and
his horn in the morning?

Don't know them dogs!

# Ken John Peel at the break of the day

# With his hounds and
his horn in the morning?

We'll get that right one of these
days, Hodgson.

The northern people
are more rough and ready

That night, we crossed into Scotland,

and continued along the coastal roads
through Dumfries and Galloway.

Gladys had returned to Sidcup for a rest,

and Eden to her special-needs school
in Lewisham,

but they promised to rejoin us.

- Hello.
- Hi.

Just wipe my feet.

Great. Ta.

- Hello.
- Hello.

- Are they in here?
- What would you like to do?

Oh, I'm with that bunch.

And what bunch is that?

Er... Tall Stories. Have they been
telling you loads of tall stories?

I haven't met any of you before, so you'll
have to explain a wee more than that.

They're in there, aren't they?

Come on. Explain yourself and who you are.
There's nobody here.

We're just busy at our dinner.

No, I don't believe you.
This is a joke. They've set you up. No?

- No, no, no, no.
- We know nothing about you.

No, we don't...
We don't know anything about you.

I think it must be next door.

This is a brilliant joke if it is a joke,
but if it isn't, it's even better!

- Oh, it's not a joke.
- Is it not? Really?

- What's your name?
- Well, it's Gary.

I'm with Andrew and Doug.
They're not in here with you?

- No, no, no, no.
- No, I'm sorry.

Oh, it was the way you opened the door...
Have I really come to the wrong house?

- Aye, I think you have.
- Oh, no!

Cos it's the type of trick they would play.

They're playing a trick on you?
They've sent you here?

No, no, no, no.
I've just turned up at the wrong house.

I just saw you in the
window and thought it was

you, cos I've been
getting everything ready

That's OK. That's OK.

Oh, that's brilliant!
Cos it wouldn't surprise me if they'd said,

"Let's play a joke on Gary and pretend
he's turned up at the wrong house."

- Aye.
- Sorry to bother you.

That's OK.

So, right. Now, then,
it must be next door, yeah!

I told him where it was.

It's the house with the upturned boat,
opposite the island with the rainbow

We're in Scotland. Every house
has got an upturned boat in front of it!

Where have yous come from, boys?

Land's End,
and we're going to John o'Groats.

Oh, that's smashing.
You have to come back this way, then.

Come back this way to go home.
I'm a poor old widow. I live alone.

If you's ever looking for a room, boys,
just give me a ring.

I'm closed on a Wednesday,
but I'm open every other day.

And it's Vilma with a V.

And it's Mrs McFadzean. F-A-D-Z-E-A-N.

Any time you're passing, boys,
come in and have a meal on me.

- You take care.
- Yes, I will.

Hello, Gladys. Hello, Eden.
Come to Troon and visit.

Now, as autumn moved into winter,
Gladys and Eden caught up with us.

And Eden had something
that she wanted to show me.

She had been busy practicing her walking,

and perhaps for the first time,
she was trying to walk on her own, unaided.

Arms outstretched, and mouth closed,
she fairly hurtled along the esplanade.

This was a magic moment for all of us.

Clap-clap. Clap-clap.

There's quite a few wrecks that are out
and about, and obviously underwater caves

that are of interest to divers.

And this is some of the clearest water
in Great Britain for diving,

so it's a great center for diving.

A small place is getting an
influx, especially

at holidays,
of a great deal of people,

and it, of course,
creates traffic problems.

Do you think there's a difference
between the sea in Scotland

and the sea in England?

A bit more rougher
and rockier, innit?

You silly...! You silly bugger!

Could you help me up, Doug, please?

Do you think everybody's striving
for recognition?

I think you're barmy doing it!

Daddy's fallen in the water.

Come on out. You'll get frozen.

'Ere. Get hold of this and pull him out!

Where is he? Andrew!

He's being silly, isn't he?
As daft as they make 'em.

The wind's blowing 90 mile an hour,
and you're sitting there wringing wet.

Trip to the postbox. Take one.

Yeah, F4. Perfect.

Just put this under here.

Right.

Hang on. Yes, you want to carry one?
You're cold, are you?

Right, hang on. We're almost there.
We've got to post these.

What is on these is all the stuff that
we shot, OK, of you and Big Granny.

We've got to put it in the letter box
and get it back to London,

so they can develop it,

cos we might need this later on.

This is a film of you.
What about that, Gladys?

Very good.

We've no idea... Whatever gets back...
that's what we have to do.

- Stamps.
- Oh, yeah, we need some stamps.

They don't go out until 5:45.

Hang on. Can you lick this?
Can you stick your tongue out?

Did you almost get blown over?

Right. Eden, tongue out.

We spend all this time filming,
and then we leave it to the postman.

It's pure chance as to
whether it gets there.

- Yeah, 5:45.
- What time?

4:45.

And if it never gets there,
we'll never, ever have a film.

Do you find that dangerous?
Are you frightened?

No, you should have found
a general post office.

Let's stop the film for a moment.

# Here goes the bus, goes round and round

# Here goes the bus, goes round and round

# Early in the morning

- All the prickles.
- Mind the prickles here.

Have you got your long trousers on?

Yeah.

Are you OK, Glad? Are you gonna make it?

Yeah.

- Are you OK, Eden?
- Yeah.

Do you want
to take me back home in pieces, or...

Well, look, you sit on this chair,
and I can carry you on top.

- Oh, yeah!
- Like a caravan.

- Yes.
- Would you like that?

- Shall we have that, Eden?
- Yeah.

- Do you fancy that?
- Yes.

What, so you get your big, fat arse
in the chair, and I just carry you?

Did you ever get pregnant, Gladys?

- Yeah, twice.
- What's it like?

I don't know. I forgot.

That's what we're doing now, aren't we?
Walking to Land's End.

- We're actually walking to John o'Groats.
- Oh, is that where we're walking to?

Do you reckon you're gonna make it? Eh?

I don't know.
How much further have we got to go?

Just up here, about another mile...

there's a beautiful view.

I had to tell you it wasn't
gonna be far, cos if I

said it's far,
you would have mutinied and gone,

"I'm not gonna bloody go up there!"
Like you normally do.

That's why.

Can you hear your daddy moaning?

Yeah.
We saw all that rain, didn't we?

And it thundered. And it lightened.

And all the water came all over the car.

And you couldn't see where you was going.

Could you?

Do you want me to help you?

Oh, you've done it yourself.

Our time together had been fleeting,

and now the hardest part of the journey
lay just ahead of us -

up to Cape Wrath,
beyond the peat cutters and potato farmers,

and along the remotest extremities
of the British coastline.

So, it was decided that this time
Eden would take Gladys back to London,

and then, at a later
date, we should meet up.

But Eden did not want to go back,
despite all of my efforts to jolly her up.

Hello. Hello.

Oh, don't cry.

Daddy! Daddy!

- What do you want?
- Daddy! Daddy!

- What do you want?
- Daddy!

Daddy!

Hello.

Hello.

It's the simplest of things
that cause the accidents.

I'll watch your back.

You're all right. There's a door here.

You've been a bit ill today?

I was, during the night, but I'm fine now.
Thank you.

- Oh, good.
- Hopefully.

- Nothing terrible?
- No.

Think it were just wind, actually!

It was just wind?

That's what comes from living in Scotland!

- Is it?
- It is very windy up here.

Very windy.

It blows in through your skin, and fills up
and collects in your bowels. Is that right?

Here, at regular intervals,

observers make a careful note
of the weather in the area.

Temperature. Direction and speed of wind.

- Pressure in the atmosphere.

So how are your bunions now?

Oh, they're all right.

Cos I was getting ready to show
my broken ankle, and... What's your name?

Jean.

And Jean came of the boat and said,
"That's nothing, compared to my bunion."

And Jean, from London,
has got a couple of horrific bunions.

One there, and one there,
which they're gonna cut out.

And they're gonna give you a lot of grief.

- They really are.
- I'll compare it to mine.

Look, there's mine. That's a proper bunion.

But it's actually on a shattered...
a shattered ankle.

I know. This is unbelievable-

on a shattered ankle you can do so much,
and you look so cheerful.

Well, I'm not allowed to.

But it's very painful...
but I'm persevering. Am I brave?

Yeah. Have you been in and had some of that
liquid stuff that gives you courage?

- Whisky?
- Yeah.

There's a distillery round
there, isn't there?

There's one you can
go into round there.

- What, down in Oban?
- Yeah.

Where is that distillery?
It's up the side street.

- Just round the corner here.
- Yeah, that's it.

- Just round the corner?
- It'll take all that pain away.

Yeah, I even soak my bunions in it.
It's marvelous!

- Is that what you'd recommend, then?
- Definitely, yeah.

He can do a Johnny Brian
and suck my big toe!

Is that your husband,
that fellow over there?

Yeah!

- How long will you stay out for?
- How long have you got?

Oh, I can go any time you like.

He's yours all day. He's yours.

Very obliging, the Scots are, aren't they?
Very obliging. Lovely people.

Let's go for an hour
and a half to two hours.

We'll come back if it starts raining,
or if you're bored.

Right. I'll be off. I'll let you get on...

That looks a dangerous weapon!

Only, don't come too close, cos I don't
fancy getting my feet wet as well!

Thanks very much. Bye.

Bye, Jean.
Thanks for showing me your bunions!

All right. I can't think of
anything else wrong with me.

- Nothing else you want to show us?
- No.

- Only her tongue!
- Let's have a look at your tongue.

- What's going on with your tongue?
- He says it's too long!

Am I OK to travel on the boat?

Oh, yeah. No, no, no, no.

I don't mind. Just you watch yourself.

It's just that, if I go overboard,
I've got a shattered leg,

so you'll have to rescue me!

OK, then. Wish us luck.

Yeah.

What do you...?

We just want a tour along the coastline.

But how much do you want to,
like, pay me for that?

- How much do you want?
- Yeah, I mean, that's er...

Give me a price, and then we'll barter.

- £40, for two hours.
- Make it 45, and then we'll come with you.

Is that all right? Brilliant.

Thanks a lot.

On behalf of Caledonian MacBrayne,

thank you for your attention,
and we hope you enjoy the crossing.

I thought, oh, that's it. You know,
it's the peninsula, then, isn't it?

Most of the tourists that come up
didn't want a bridge.

Aye, we've been ordered to stop by the
Secretary of State. He told us to stop.

The bridge opened at 11 o'clock Monday,

and the ferry stops at three o'clock
in the afternoon, and that's it.

Two, sir.

Thank you.

I'm Willy Jack,
from the Kyle of Lochalsh public toilets.

Started here eight years ago,

and looked after them.

I put a couple of pictures up

and then put more pictures up
and put more pictures up,

and then put up the flags.

And then people started liking them.

And then I started getting
more and more, and I

looked at all the toilets
when I traveled abroad,

and got ideas from there.

There's a Superloo competition.

Well, we won the regional this year...

..and we won the Talisker Award this year.

So, we're keeping our fingers crossed
that we win the big one this year.

Do you win a prize,
or is it a cup, or do you win toilet bowls?

No, just a plaque.

- And you've got your plaques up there?
- Up on the wall.

Are they the ones behind you?

That one there, and that one there.

So, when you travel, do you collect things,
knowing you're going to...

Yes, yes, I look for postcards,

and if there's anybody out there
wants to send... pictures...

I'll put them up, if I can, for them.

There was a lady came
back out of the toilets,

and she says, "Can I have my money back?"

I said, "Why?" She said,
"I couldn't do the toilet."

I said, "I don't go with a microscope,
to listen to all the toilets,

to see if you can do them!"

- Here, sir.
- Sorry. Thank you.

- 20, is it?
- That's you, sir.

- Thank you.
- Enjoy them.

It's a good experience in there.

On Monday they're opening
up the new bridge.

Do you think this is gonna bring
more customers to your Superloo?

Well, I hope people will stop.

That's what I'm worrying about-

that people will just go right through Kyle
and not stop at Kyle at all.

But I hope there'll be
something here to attract

them at the Kyle toilets,
so that they will come.

Forget the 20 pence.
Come into the nice, clean toilets.

Let's make a place,
a place with hills, and trees,

and perhaps a lake.

X-ray? Did you have to go to hospital?

Well, what did you do?

Yeah, I bet it was something dirty.
I don't know.

All jokes to one side,
is it really in plaster?

Water is the worst thing
that you can ever have.

Fire you can fight, but water you cannot.

Yeah, but eventually,
the sea, it's gonna...

well, kill itself, innit?

Who's paying for this telephone call?

Sometimes there's
a continuous sheet of cloud.

It looks gloomy, but it doesn't rain.

When the fog comes down
over the coast of Britain,

the diaphones along the shore
begin to sound of,

making a noise so bottomless and so severe

that you'd think
it could only be heard in a nightmare.

Britain's message to every ship
that comes near to her coast

could hardly be clearer.

"Danger! Keep out! Go away!"

That's just a vague idea of how far...

how far it would be to
walk round the coast...

..of Britain.

No, that's not good, is it?

I've got a little
girl standing here.

I'll let her speak to you.
I know what you're going to say.

OK.

I had a couple of bottles of whisky
given me on the plane again.

- Mmm.
- Here you are, here's your daughter.

- Hi!
- Hello, Eden.

Daddy?

- How are you? Are you well?
- Yeah.

- Are you having a good time?
- Yeah.

- Did you fly on a plane again?
- Yeah!

- Was that good fun?
- Yeah.

Eden? Hello? Hello?

Can you hear me?

Land people often say they have
heather growing between their toes.

If you're out of sight of the
sea, it's terrible.

One man comes up and he says to me,

"You know,
it's made our holiday staying here,

because people speak to you.

You go on some sites,

and they just take your money
and give you a stamp and...

that's it.

They'll never see you again,
or never speak to you again.

Trucks go down south full of beef...

cattle, sheep, fish or with shellfish.

Everything goes down south.

And they come up empty.

Watch your hat!

Give us a kiss!

It was nice meeting you.

Brilliant!

I'll never forget...

- See you, Robert.
- Safe journey!

- Nice meeting you. Thank you.
- Bye.

Send us a postcard when you arrive back.

Oh, we will. Have we got your address?

Yes. Robert Dundas,
Stroma View, John o'Groats, Scotland.

Everybody knows us. KW1 4YL.

Bye-bye!

Thank you!

# I am Dan, the potato man

# Find a better if you can...

Get on your hands and knees and
sort the potatoes out in the wintertime.

#..Another potato like me

# I am Dan the potato man

None of you don't know
those type of things.

Have you ever hung
anything up here?

Just an old handkerchief.

Live every day, live every day.
I mean, we do.

..women's pants, underwear.
I've seen brassieres.

I've seen head squares here, underwear..

Getting old is not easy.

But here at the Clooty Well,
you can tear up a piece of clothing,

hang it on a tree, make a wish,

and you never know,
you may well get better again.

Very strange.

- Uh-huh.
- I've seen brassieres.

Yeah, up in there, yeah, shoes, jackets...

Get him. Get him going down there.

- Can you see him?
- Aye!

Hang on, you've forgot your shoes here.

Oh, it doesnae matter about them.
Doesnae matter.

And your paper.

Oh, thanks for the paper.
I'll take the paper.

- Ta-ra the noo!
- How you getting home-a bus?

- No, I'm just walking back home.
- All right, then. Enjoy yourself.

I've got a feeling in my
bones it'll come true now.

You can wait in our van, if you want.

No, I'm off home.
It'll be time for my tea now soon.

With your shoes here, it might be easier.

- No, don't worry about shoes.
- Have you got him? Can you see him?

There it is. See you. Have a nice trip.

You know
that little field just off the road?

Well, there's a sweet
little baby donkey there.

Only born last night.
Like to see it on the way home?

Keep away from people
you don't know, from strangers.

According to last night's weather forecast,
the wind and rain was still up there.

As long as there's not a thunderstorm.

That's the only thing I
hate, it's a thunderstorm.

Thunderstorm and mice.

Let's go and see
what he's doing all by himself.

Eden and Gladys were back with us
for the last leg of the journey.

And Eden had so much
that she wanted to tell me.

However, there is always so much more
that she wants to say but can't,

so much more that she understands
but cannot explain.

Her main means of communicating
is through Makaton,

a very simple sign language
which she's been using for several years.

Every night at bedtime,
there's a connection,

as she reveals the things
that have happened to her during the day.

And after nearly ten weeks afloat,

Gladys is now beginning
to make some sense of it all.

I'll never forget her,
until I draw my last breath.

And I went to her, "Well,
I haven't got a stick."

So she went down the garden,
she found a stick,

and she put an empty crisp bag
on the top of it, see?

So, when she got to me, I went,
"Stop, there's a lorry coming."

And she went to me,
"You silly cow, that lorry's gone!"

See, everybody was poor years ago.

Dial 999 and tell the police.

Police station, Eyemouth. Can I help you?

- Morning, is that the police station?
- You're obviously going round Britain,

looking into various different aspects
of the coast, sort of style and things.

Is that what we're talking about, is it?

No, I worked in a hospital.

And the driver gave me
four oranges and four apples.

- Obviously a good few years ago.
- Oh, yes, a good few years ago.

When the judge came out, he said,
"Will they all stand by Mrs Morris?"

And I thought to myself, "Hello,
what's wrong here? I haven't got to stand."

So I said to tell him to stick them oranges
up his arse, as far as I'm concerned.

And I never did remember
coming out of that police station.

Yeah, I think you'd better just turn
the engine of a moment and get out the car.

Give me a smile.

I reckon that copper thought I was barmy.

Was that you talking with your mouth full?

I couldn't understand a word of that.

You're a sod, ain't you?

Well, it's very nice,
but my God, ain't there some wind here?

- Have you fallen over yet?
- Yes, arse over tit down there.

Gee up!

# Neddy's to the...

# What are we gonna get when we get there?

Fall over in the brush, I expect!

# What are we gonna get when we get there?

# Bunch of coconuts when we get there

Well, we've got to go back
home, haven't we?

Until we get to that
miserable place of England.

People like this
might be a bit odd in the head.

But they don't show it.

Well, my hat is a tea cosy...

..which my neighbour made me for Christmas.

Oh, look at all them pussycats there.
One, two, three, four...

But you didn't
have a teapot to fit it?

..six. I never tried it.

Seven. I brought it here for my hat.

My head ain't so big as I thought it was.

Tell you what I found the other day.
I forgot to show you this.

Have you seen that?

- I found that.
- No.

It's...

I think it's Will Carling.

What's he supposed to be doing?

Oh, look, he's got his trousers down.

I'll show you. Look.

Dirty man.

Turn round the other side.

He's got no pants on!

Come on, drive it, quick.

Now we're going round the corner
Drive it round the corner.

Off we go. Mind the cows.

Out the way, cows!

He's getting to be
a big boy, aren't you, Nicholas?

You know,
we mustn't spoil this lovely kite.

Or else, when we want it to fly,

it won't work.

- Say hello to the funny man.
- Hello.

One imagines some of the
earliest experiences of two small children.

The other, an old person
near the end of her life.

They leave you feeling
there's nothing more to be said.

And there they all were
in the warm sunshine.

As a matter of fact, in the water there,
where the generating board is over there,

they're getting tons and tons of fish,
but it's no good.

The water's warm, see,
and it's polluted, partly polluted.

Hey, you lot! Where do you chuffin'
think you're going in that bleedin' van?

Is this for telly or just
for yours own benefit? Eh?

You can fuck of back
down south straight away.

Is it ever quiet on this bridge?
Because I don't think it is.

It's the way they speak.

Well, people have
cottoned on with them

getting...
well, Kevin Keegan doing whatever

They've cottoned onto it now,
like Toon Army, this sort of like...

like Cockneys with "lovaduck"
and that sort of crap.

- They think everybody
speaks like that up there.

- I'm very proud of my accent.

Why do you think we have dirty chemical
plants and God knows what here?

Cos they wouldn't have 'em down south.

All the muck and shit that we get up here.
We don't want it, but we get it.

What you doing here, taking photos
or something of this area or what?

We're filming the whole coast of Britain.

- We've been traveling now for ten weeks.
- Mmm.

We started off along the south coast
and we're coming back round now

- We've got about another three weeks left.
- Oh, yeah?

Every now and then, my 90-year-old
grandmother comes and joins us.

And my seven-year-old
daughter Really, we're

looking at the coast
through their eyes.

The difference in generations.

# The horse took us all
from Goathland down way,

# We've come a-traveling
the country for to see

# The country for to see

# Some pastime for tonight...

Would you say you look like a monk?

Shut yourself away from the world?

# So now you see us all

# Dressed in our fine array

# Think of us what you will

# Music, strike us and play

- Want to know about long sword dancing?
- Yes, please.

Come on. In here.

Hallowed precincts, these, you know.

Women aren't allowed.

Come in.

Well, this is ours.

This is the reading room.

It's our headquarters.

It's where we practice our dancing.
It's our home.

It's got all our
memorabilia, as you can see.

This is Goathland.
This is the village. Goathland

was a Viking settlement,
it is alleged.

Because Goathland was either
Goathesland, Goth's Land, Goda's Land.

Depends which history
book you want to read.

The Vikings came around here,
raping and pillaging,

what, 860? 850-860.

In and around that period there.

And what they left us are... pagan dances.

Cos what you actually get is,
you get a group of men in a ring.

And you can imagine all these buggers
with beards and axes and all what-have-you.

And they would dance around a rune stone,

a sacred stump, whatever.

Something that was sacred to them.

Now, the idea of a sword dance is,
you start in a circle.

And you go...
And the swords are all put up aloft.

And they bang together. Because you're
actually dancing in a clockwise direction.

So you bang the swords together.

That is... Because they're over your head,
that's to drive the devil out.

With a rhythmic tapping of the sword
that drives the evil spirits...

Noise drives the Devil away.

Whether you like it or
not, this is what we are.

This is tradition.

Flamborough Head in Yorkshire.

Ordinary people could go
where they wanted.

But a lighthouse keeper
was told where to go.

The light is four flashes...

..and then a gap and four flashes.

Three blasts and then a gap. Three blasts.

It's a tape recording.

And it's sort of like "Dooooo-dooo-dooo!"

Like that, it goes. Look at the sea.
You will hear it from here, no bother.

And then, when you switch her of, she goes,

"Dooooo..."

It's funny out there in the dark.

What is the best way
to kill a pheasant or a rabbit, Gladys?

Break its neck, the pheasant,
and behind the ears, the rabbit.

So, how would you kill a rabbit?

Hit him...
Hit him behind the ears.

Yes, I can see it's on you.

Tell Daddy to look.

What? Yeah, I see you put it on your head.

- Put this on mine?
- Yeah.

Show me how you'd kill a
rabbit, if I was a rabbit.

What about a pheasant?

Have you ever had to do that
when you were younger?

- Yes.
- How many times, do you reckon?

Ever so many times. When you was hungry.

I'm not against killing for necessity.

But people who go out and kill for sport,
as they call it...

Yeah, it's pretty sick, isn't it?

And after that,
we existed almost entirely on fish.

That was the old days of fishing.

That was the old days.

Well, here it is, a song from Grimsby

but it found its way along the coast
to Norfolk, to Winterton in Norfolk.

And it's called here
Sailing Over The Dogger Bank.

# Sailing over the Dogger Bank

# Wasn't it a treat?

# Well, the wind was blowing east-nor'east

# We had to give her sheet

# You should have seen us rally

# The wind a-blowin' free

# On passage from the Dogger Bank

# To great Grimsby

# So watch her, trigger

# The proper ju-ber-ju

# Give her sheet and let her rip

# We're the boys to pull her through

# You should have seen us rally

# The wind a-blowin' free

# On passage from the Dogger Bank

# Now we are the boys to make a noise

# When we get home from sea

# We get drunk and full of beer

# And cause a jubilee

# We get drunk and full of beer

# And roll around the floor

# And when the rent it is all spent

# We'll go to sea for more

# Watch her, trigger

# The proper ju-ber-ju

# Give her sheet and let her rip

# We're the boys to pull her through

# You should have seen us rally

# The wind a-blowin' free

# On passage from the Dogger Bank

# To great Grimsby

# Our skipper, he's a shang-a-roosh

# He likes a drop of good ale

# Our mate's a prat-inspector

# He's been seen in many a jail

# The third hand's a bushranger..

The Wash in Norfolk.

There is some prickles
and sting in that, isn't there?

Are you squashing
these winter cabbages?

These are spring cabbages.
To me, they are.

For planting for the spring.

So, if a farmer saw us,
he'd be very cross?

Very annoyed, I should think.

Oh, definitely very happy. They're fed
on all the waste from our local brewery.

They're constantly under
the influence of drink.

Well, there's somewhere along this line

where the sea's washing the houses away.

Doesn't it look nice and calm
and peaceful today?

Some days, it's really, really rough.

You can see here, as the sea's come in,

no longer have we got land
going out the other side of the gate.

Just over a foot left now, that's all.

You can see by the sign,
the cliffs along here are very dangerous.

So, a year ago,
this land would have been further out?

A lot further out, yes.

Yes, it's eating away all the time.

- Does that frighten you being that close?
- It's not very nice, is it?

OK.

And these are our sheep.

Have any of them got bollocks?

No, none of them have bollocks.

They are all ewes.

He sees lots of fish swimming in the water.

- Have you just caught it?
- Yeah, he was swimming around in there.

He caught it and then gutted it
with his teeth while he was underwater.

And then I grabbed it.

- And now he's back.
- It's big, this one.

How you can cook something
like that, I can't think.

Here's one.

- There's a lollipop lady.
- A lollipop lady?

Look, there's a lollipop lady.

Is that a lollipop lady?
Lollipop lady!

- Lollipop lady!

Lollipop lady!

So, what made you become a lollipop lady?

- Was it the money?
- The money, yep.

And all the holidays.

- You get a lot of long holidays?
- I get all the holidays the children get.

So you don't stand here
when there's no kids?

No. No, I get all...

What do you mean?

Well, if you're on your holidays,
you don't come down and practice?

No, I don't need it, I'm so good.

And have you ever been run over?

No, not yet. Nearly.

Nearly a few times.

Right.

Is that... Were you wearing your coat
when you were nearly run over?

I was standing in the middle of the road,
stopped.

- And the lady didn't see me.
She just went past.

- Yeah?

- Yeah.
- It must have been very dangerous.

Oh, yeah, it is dangerous, yeah.

- Do you think I look like a monk?
- A monk? No.

A gorilla.

Right. What about if I was in a
brown cassock with a gold sash?

Would I look like a monk then?

- Might do.
- Right.

And if you had any advice for us
about crossing the road,

what advice would it be?

Right, I've got to stop now.
I've got to cross that little boy.

All right. Be careful. Hurry up!

Captain David Thompson

hands a wreath to His Royal Highness,
the Duke of York.

A step back. He salutes...

..and turns away from the cenotaph.

The Duke of Kent's father, of course,
was killed on active service with the RAF

when the Duke was six years old.

Major Colin Burgess...

.. walks forward to lay her wreath.

Egg.

I'm definitely recording this.

This is us having a picnic
in front of the Martello Tower, isn't it?

Cold sausages, anyone?

Everything round Gary
moves incredibly fast, by the way.

Are you recording this?
You call this a picnic?

I'm recording this.

We can't afford anything other
than cheese and condensed milk.

Yeah, but you ate the Sugar
Puffs, Doug.

Yeah, I'll have some...
Has it got beef in it?

- Oh, no idea.
- Anybody's testicles against this grater?

- Mmm, lovely!
- Who the fuck's drunk the condensed milk?

I don't know,
but it wasn't me.

It's heritage now.
You can't disturb heritage.

What are you saying, then?
Are you saying

that condensed milk is
part of our heritage?

- Well, it's part of our heritage, I think.
- That's heritage, that's tradition.

Yeah, it's hard to tell, really,
the speed we're going.

How can condensed milk
be a part of our her...

her... herijige?

Andrew, do you know the...

..air is sexually exciting for you?

Will Gladys and Eden
ever finish their journey?

He himself was interested in...
squiggly lines.

He reflected that, when you zoomed down...

..upon sections of it,

what looks rather chaotic,
appears to have regularities in it.

And the notion was that
you might measure it with...

say, some calipers.

Or if you took a tape measure,
and you'd get an answer of a kind.

In fact, it would boil down to the question
of how long is a piece of string.

He said, "You ain't taking the piss,
are you?" I said, "No, mate."

Tell me when you're on it.

- I'm not on you. I'm on the kid.
- Tell me when you're on it.

Tell me when you're coming down onto it.

Coming down now.

November 16th, 10am.

Scene 52.

- Are you there yet?
- Yes.

- It was busy down there, wasn't it?
- Oh!

Very busy.

I've had so many people here today.
I've had at least five.

So, when would you say
your peak season was?

This month.

- In November?
- Yeah. November? I thought it was October.

It's November.

- Is it really?
- Yeah.

See, time flies for me.

I love it here. You get the sea breeze...

And the trampolines, did you use to...

- They used to be very busy?
- Yeah, but they're dangerous.

Well, they are now.
The bottoms have fallen out of them!

They used to break their
legs, didn't they?

Is the tide going out or coming in?

Or does it do both?

It's going out at the moment.
Then it'll come in.

I don't know where it goes.

But it always comes back.

It's nice the way
it's blowing across there.

It's beautiful sea air.
Can you smell it, eh?

Do I look like a monk?

- You're not a monk?
- No. Do I look like one?

I wouldn't want to talk to a monk, really.

They live in them places
and you never know what they do.

- What about...
- Dangerous.

..lollipop ladies?

Oh, they're nice.
I had one here once one year

Cos we've got a busy road here, you know?

- A busy road?
- Oh, fucking terrible.

Sometimes you have about two or
three motors come down here at once.

- And er...
- Is it raining?

Is that rain?

Well, we don't tend to
get rain here in October.

No, we're November now.
Have you ever had rain in November before?

No, never, never. I've been here...

I've been here for 68 years.

Never, ever, ever...

I tell a lie. It did rain once.

- Have you got gold teeth?
- Oh, yeah.

Earlier on, you were telling me about the
tables. What happened about the table tops?

Well, I put the tables...
People put cups on.

And there was...
you know, there was fucking stains.

- They'd spill 'em.
- Yeah. I've got to clean the bastard of.

So I said, "If you can't
fucking behave yourself,

what I'm going to do,
I'm taking the tops of."

And I did. I took them all.

Well, they don't like it,
but it's my fucking place, innit?

Right. Shall we go swimming?

- Yeah.
- Come on.

Ah, fuck!

You should put a table top on there.

- Is it OK?
- It's dangerous.

When we all went to this big bloke,

he reckons that the childhood days

went over his brain at that one minute

and he thought he'd got nothing to live for

The mind isn't...

Well, it can't be, can it?

You have a new message waiting.

Hi, Andrew.
I don't know what's going on, but er...

You just ring me
and let me know about that. Bye.

Thank you for your attention
and we hope you enjoy the crossing.

I can carry on forever about the

Jack-in-the-Green
character, I really could.

If you make it later in the evening,
I could get some of the others

and you could have
three or four of us all

sitting around in green
faces and banging drums.

The year after that,

the crowd surged in on Jack-in-the-Green

and tore it to shreds-

to grab a flower, a
leaf, a ribbon, anything.

What we'd actually witnessed
was the birth of a tradition.

Noise drives the devil away.

A penny loaf to feed the Pope.

A farthing of cheese to choke him.

A gallon of beer to wash it down.

A faggot of sticks to burn him.

Burn him in a tub of tar.
Burn him like a blazing star.

Burn the body of his head.
Then we'd know the Pope is dead.

God save the King!

Of course you could, couldn't you?

You're classed as a Virgin Mary.

And you as a monk.

Hey, look, look, look...

Tell me where we are today, Gladys.

We're in Bexhill, aren't we, Eden?

How do you do Bexhill?

Did you enjoy the trip, Eden,
around Britain?

- Yeah.
- Did you have a good time?

- Yeah.
- What did you travel in?

What else did you go on?

We went on a boat with Daddy.

Just you and me.

And you was...

steering the boat.

And I was rowing it.

Don't you remember?

We went just by ourselves.

Oh, lover.

She's coming home to live with me.

- Aren't you?
- Yeah.

I'll you one tale before I go.

It was a holiday to me.
I never even washed a cup and saucer up.

The food was given to me.

I said, even the whisky was given to me.

I've enjoyed going with you
and I enjoy every minute with you.

I can't be no more grateful at my age,

because, I mean,
you've all been kind to me.

It doesn't matter what you say.

I mean, they say,
"We're only paying you back

for what you did when
they was growing up."

But we've enjoyed every minute of it.

I've enjoyed every minute with Eden.

Cos, I mean, I don't see her much, do I?