Galaxina (1980) - full transcript

Captioning made possible by
lions gate entertainment

Man: Infinity log,
galaxy date 3008.1.

Captain Cornelius butt,
entry number 1736.

Ohh. We are now on the last leg
of our 7-year mission.

We're en route to traffic
station number 28,

where we are to police
the transgalactic corridor.

Joy and yummies.

"The infinity"
is on auto-control

with galaxina,
prime grade robot
class number 11,

on the bridge.

All traffic sensors
are on operational red alert.



All primary ship's functions
are operational green.

The crew,
if you can call them that,

is on its 72-hour rest period.

This is captain Cornelius butt.
That's enough.

[Woman singing opera]

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[Singing opera]

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[Applause and cheering]

Announcer: That was
the united galactic network's
special program



live from uranus.

Dame Catherine Wilson
sings "selva opaca"

from "William tell,"
by rosini.

We will continue
with our regular prog--

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Hey, sarge?

It's an unknown.

Can I turn on
the lights and siren?

Sarge, please.

55. It won't
do you any good.

What won't do me
any good?

Asshole,

don't you know
that in space,

nobody can hear your siren?

Oh.

Go ahead.

Contact the ship.
Ask them where they're from.

Good idea.

I know.

This is private
Robert "buzz" McHenry

of the space
police cruiser
"infinity"

contacting
the unknown ship.

Please respond.

49...

Hey, please respond!

This is a space
police cruiser!

45...

40...

[Echoing]
I am ordric
from the planet mordric

in the galaxy of chockpun.

I am on a peaceful
mission

to the planet altair-1.

May I ask the nature
of your mission?

No, you may not.

Oh.

Hey, hold on a minute,
will you?

Hey, wait a minute!

Well, what are we
gonna do now?

Well, not much.

We can't risk starting
an intergalactic war,
can we?

Heh.

Why don't you go ahead...

Contact the captain, huh?

One captain
coming right up.

["Thus spake zarathustra"
playing]

Butt, voice-over:
Infinity log,
galaxy date 3008.15,

captain Cornelius butt,
entry number 1737.

We are in our second cycle
of traffic control.

I don't mind saying things
have been pretty damn slow.

Anyway, I've just been summoned
to the bridge

by that illiterate
space cowboy.

Wonder what he wants.

Probably wants me
to change his diaper.

However, there is always
the possibility

that this call will lead to one
of the most exciting adventures

of my or anyone else's career.

Maybe it'll be a mission

that will even change
the course of history,

and I will be the leader. Ha ha!

The name of Cornelius butt
will go down in history.

You just wait and see.
That's it. End of entry.

What's on your mind,

if you'll forgive
the overstatement?

We have an unknown, sir,

who refuses to state
the nature of his mission.

I am captain
Cornelius butt.

This is the space
police cruiser "infinity."

I demand to know
the nature of your mission.

[Echoing]
My mission is secret.

Where secrecy begins,
trouble soon follows.

The heart of all trouble
is the human heart.

I'm not going to engage
in a battle of wits
with you.

I never attack
anyone who's unarmed.

As you wish.

Prepare
for evasive action.

Follow him.

Engage the power field.

Can I put on
the red light,
captain?

You know, kid,
you got a bad habit.

You breathe.

[Chuckles]

Butt: Steady.

Steady.

Ok. Now hit him!

Yeah! That's it.
Keep cool!

Hit him!

And fire!

Again. Too soon.

Now!

How's
our power field?

It's ok.

It's a strange
kind of warfare.

Not like the old days,
eh, captain?

Now it all depends
on whose power field
breaks up first.

And then it's pow!

[Chuckle]

Too damn technical
for me.

[Sigh]

She's a good ship,
but she's
an old one.

Pow!

How's the field
holding up?

It's beginning to weaken.

Power.
Check galaxina.

See if
we can spare it.

Right.

[Alarm blaring]

He's gonna finish US off.

I want to tell you guys
that it's been a pleasure
serving with you.

Shut up,
you earth-colony
nitwit.

He's not gonna
finish US off.

He just wanted
to stun US,

put US
out of commission
for a while.

Son of a bitch,
if we have to die,

does it have to be with that
stinking cigar smoke?

We're not
gonna die.

He's right.

He can't risk starting
an intergalactic war.

If you're right, sergeant,
when we get back,

I'm gonna buy you
some decent-smelling cigars.

Of course
he's right,
you nitwit.

Good.

Now, buzz,

you go on down
to the power tunnel,

see how those guys
are doing.

I'm gonna go
feed the prisoner.

[Chuckling]
Go ahead now.

Whoops.

I thought you were going
down to the power tunnel.

Why can't I ever get
to feed the prisoner?

Come here.

You are not supposed
to ask why.

Why not?

Because it's
a goddamn order!

Now do it.

Yes, sir.

Hi, doll.

[Flushing]

Rockeater?

How you doing, furball?

Your visit has climaxed
an already dull day,
asshole.

Did you hear the one...

Guy who runs up
the insane asylum?

He asks the guard
if any crazy aliens
have escaped.

The guard says,
"no. Why?"

And the guy says,
"well, somebody
ran off with my wife."

Ha ha ha!

What did I do
to deserve this?

Ha ha ha.

[Laughing]

Ooh.

[Wheeze]

Rockeater:
What's the matter?

Can't you get your crew
to listen to your jokes?

You got to come down here
and torment me?

You don't think
I have enough problems?

Shit!

Boy, what a guy's
got to go through
just for a meal.

Have a hearty appetite,
my friend.

Rockeater.

Huh? Rocks!

Oh, am I hungry.

Say "ahh."
Shit!

Unh!
Ow!

Smile, smile.

Ow!

[Grunting]

Is this how you
get your rocks off, chief?

[Muttering]

Stop, already. Enough!

Unh!

Aah!

Bon appetit.

Mwah!

[Grunting]

Stereo!

Choke on it.

I really love
feeding you.

So much fun.

Butt, voice-over:
Infinity log,
galaxy date 3008.17,

captain Cornelius butt,
entry number 1738.

Nothing's new.

[Buzz coughs]

Hey.

Hey, hey!

Whoo-hoo!
Hoo, hoo!

Heavy shit.

Oh, ho, ho!

Ahh.

Yeah.
Where was I?

Oh, yeah.
How's it going?

I mean, how long
do you think
it's gonna take

to get things
cooking?

Shh!

You screw up
the force field,

then you come ask US
how long it'll take to fix it?

Some nerve you got.

Why don't you
fix it yourself?

You broke it playing,
cowboy.

Aw, come on, Maurice.

I mean,
I was only asking.

They sent me down here
to ask.

And don't get so
all-fired uptight.

Why does everybody
always pick on me?

People like sea ships--

bellow loudest
when in tow.

What's he
talking about?

You asking me?

I hear his damn stoned-out
proverbs all day long.

You can tell
the powers that be

that old Sam and I'll
have this kettle perking
by morning,

sooner if you stay
and help.

I'll pass on
the messages,
Maurice.

Wait. You better
tell them

it'll be after noon.

Better to be early
than late, right, Sam?

He who promises
too much too soon

accomplishes
too little too late.

Right.
You got it.

I'll have dinner
sent down.

I think you'll be
too busy to join US,
Maurice.

Oh, what's the matter?

Are we not good enough
for you, space honky?

Ha ha ha!

Man on radio:
This is the united
galactic radio network,

presenting 30 commercial-free
hours of music

brought to you
by Dr. Stanley booth,
family dentist,

specialist in human
and nonhuman dentures.

Be it fang or tooth,

your best bet is booth.

And now, back to our music.

[Classical music playing]

Delightful.

I love
this time of day.

Did I tell you the one...

About--about the---

about the man
who ran into a restroom?

Butt: He asked
for a--a Turkey sandwich,

and the waiter said,

"do you want to eat it here
or take it with you?"

The man said, "both."

That's really
funny, sir.

Whoo! Yeah.
Boy, that was...

Really funny, sir.

It was.

Ah, delightful.

[Sniffs]

Hmm...

[Rattle]

[Rattle]

[Jingle]
I'll take this one.

Wine.

It's time for the wine.

I love a good wine.

[Chuckles]

Ahh.

Belugian thunder ripple.

2001--a great year.
Great. Hmm!

[Cork pops]

[Pouring wine]

[Gargle]

[Gargle]

[Choking]

Thank you, sergeant Thor.

It was my pleasure,
sir.

Ooh! Shit!

Buzz: Ha ha!

Sergeant Thor.

Ohh.

They don't
want you touching
the merchandise, man.

Why did they
make her like that?

Why didn't they
build her out of
tin stovepipes?

You know that it is forbidden
for space police

to fraternize with machines.

It's against
the laws of nature.

You might go blind.

Gentlemen, a toast.

May we be slaves
to nothing...

To nothing...
To nothing...

But...
But our duty.

But our duty...
Our duty.

And...

And...

That's it.

Ahh.

Boy!

Am I stuffed.

Yeah, me, too.

Oh, boy, I probably
won't be able to eat
for another year.

Oh.

Where did you get
that egg, McHenry?

Is that
an authorized egg?

I found it with
the rockeater's belongings.

He probably stole it
from somewhere.

What do you think
laid it, sir?

Let me have it.

Sure, sir.

A real egg.

You know, people
used to eat these things.

Difficult to imagine,
isn't it?

Oh, it sure is.

I can't imagine it.

In fact, the whole idea
is revolting.

It makes me nauseous.
It turns my stomach--

enough, private.

Oh.

May I?

You're not gonna eat it,
are you, sir?

Why not?

I don't know.
It...Makes me nauseous.

It turns my stomach.
I really don't think
you should eat--

he's right, sir.

You don't know
what kind of an egg
that is.

You don't know
where it's been

or who laid it.

Nonsense.

If people concerned themselves
with where eggs came from,

they never would have
eaten them.

Heh heh heh!

Yucch!

[Gulp]

Ohh.

[Gurgling]

Ahh.

[Chuckles]

Mm.

[Rumbling]

Mmm.

[Grunting]

He's choking.

Well,
what should I do?

Hit him.

I won't get in trouble
for this, will I?

No.

Are you sure?

Hit him, already!
He's choking!

Promise?

It's an order.

Ok. Then let's
beat the crap

out of
the old bastard.

Aah!

Ooh!

Ooh!

[Gasp]

[Hiccup]

[Exhales]

[Rumbling]

Unh!
Unh!

[Retching]

Oh, god,
that was awful.

Oh, that's
disgusting.

I told you so.

Nobody ever
listens to me,

and usually
I'm right.

Don't be
an "I told you so."

Where the hell
did you get that egg?

Now, where's that monster?
Is he gone?

Oh, I need a drink.

Ohh. Oh, you guys hit me.
You hit me very hard.

You did it on purpose,
I know.

But I'll get you.
I'll get you. I'll get you.

I'll get you.
I'll get all of you,

every--

thanks. I needed that.

Heh heh heh!

Here comes chow.

Hey, galaxina, baby.

How you doing?

Will you look
at that ass swing?

Too bad she ain't human.

Robot woman like clock--

pretty face,
pretty hands,
pretty movement,

but hard to regulate
when she get
out of order.

Yeah, sure, Sam.

Damn wings
ain't good for nothing.

Can't even fly anymore.

Shit.

Chicken again.

Want to bet
they have steak upstairs?

Hey! Uh!

Very sorry.

Damn,
look at that.

Hi, galaxina.

I really have to talk
to you for a while...

If that's all right
with you.

I know you can't talk...

But you can listen.

You're very beautiful.

I don't know if it's because
we've been out here
for so long...

But I think I am starting
to fall in love with you.

I know that sounds crazy.

After all...

You're a machine,
and I'm a human
being....

Which is just another
kind of machine, really.

You're very lovely.

And I've got to...

I just got to kiss you.

No, no.

I know.

I know
I'll get a shock.

I don't know what to do.

I can't stand it.

Ooh!

[Gasping]

[Groaning]

It was worth it.

Well, it's time
for the holo-com.

Maybe it'll be elexia
this time.

Hey, where's
the captain?

Oh, I don't know.
Probably asleep
in his quarters.

Hey.

Hi, guys.

Hello, elexia.

Hi, darling.
How you doing?

Great. How you boys doing?

We're doing.
What's happening?

Oh, the commander wants
to talk to you boys.

But first I've got a little
something for you.

Yeah?

What's that?

Elexia: Well, I know
what it's like for
you guys up in space

for so, so many years
without a real woman.

Galaxina's ok.

But frankly, I don't
know how you do it.

I really don't.

[Chuckles]

McHenry:
Is she gonna do

what I think she's
gonna do?

So I've got a little
treat for you,

a little something
to hold you over.

Thor...

Oh! That's it.
Touch me. Touch me.

Oh! That feels good.

Oh, my...
Oh...

You guys
are something else.

Touch me. Touch me.
That feels so nice, so nice.

Thor...

Oh!

Quivering venutian
blubber cups.

What is
going on here?

I've never seen such
an immoral display
in my career.

You call yourselves
space police?

If a jackass had
both your brains,

he'd be a very
dumb jackass.

And you...

Your brains need
a brassiere.

Sir, the commander wants
to speak with you.

The commander?

[Clears throat]

Bye, guys.

Bye, darling.

Thank you.

Captain Cornelius butt.

Commander gravity.

The name is garrity, sir.

Let's not quibble.

It must be enough
that I respect
and admire you.

What is
the meaning of
this communication?

Well, butt, the "infinity's"
going to make
a little side trip.

Side trip to where?

Altair-1.

Altair-1?
Altair-1?

That's right.

Thor: But, commander,
it'll take 27 years
to get to altair-1.

I am aware of that.

But, sir, my mother's
gonna be a little old
lady by then,

sir.

You knew what you
were getting into when
you joined up, private.

And so did your mother,
I assume.

Would you prefer a discharge
right now, private?

I could arrange that.

However, you would
still not be able
to leave the ship

for 27 years.

And, of course, your pay
would stop immediately.

Oh, no. No. No.
I'll stay.

Thor: Sir, do you
realize we won't get back
to earth for 54 years?

I do. But just think
of the overtime.

But who's got
the time?

It's 0833 hours.

Not that time, dummy.

The 54 years. Who's got
54 years to kill?

Garrity: I realize your
concern, men.

However, this mission
is imperative.

And besides, you do have
your cryosleep chambers.

Uh, sir, what is
the nature of
this mission?

Well, captain, we think
someone has discovered
the blue star.

[Dramatic music plays]

The blue star?
The blue star?

[Dramatic music plays]

The blue star.

[Dramatic music plays]

When you arrive
on altair-1,
you are to contact

an earthman named
frank future.

He is holding a sample
of the rock.

He owns the only
saloon in town

and will be easy to find.

However, need I
tell you how important
this mission is?

This mineral has the power
of the stars within it.

It could revolutionize
the civilized sectors
of the universe.

Sir, I'd like to
tell you how proud
the men and I are

that you
have chosen US.

It shows great skill

and tremendous
foresight
on your behalf

that this difficult
mission should be
given to our--

you were the closest.

Gotcha.

In view of
your long journey,

I have authorized
a 24-hour furlough
on the rec station.

Galaxina will receive
the coordinates

for altair-1.

Good luck and good-bye.

Whoo!

* ho ho

* ho ho

* horno
* ho ho

* horno, horno,
let's go *

* any old port
in a storm *

* any old, ho

* ho ho ho ho

* horno, horno
* ho ho

* horno, horno,
let's go *

* any old port
in a storm *

* any old, ho

* ho ho ho ho

* horno

* horno, horno,
let's go *

* any old port
in a storm *

* any old, ho

[Piano playing]

McHenry, Thor,
and butt:
* horno

* horno, horno,
let's go *

* any old port
in a storm *

* any old, ho

[laughter]

Well...

Cornelius butt
and his boys.

I make a habit

never to forget
a face.

But in your case,
I'll make
the exception.

Kitty, a month away
from you is like
a year in cryosleep.

[Laughs]

I swear, oh,
you old lady.

You're a devil,
butt.

[Laughs]

Whoo! I see you got
some earth cola.

Well, good thing,
because we
don't accept

earth yen no more.

Too unstable on
the galactic market.

Well, why stand here
and talk?

You must be
all tired and horny.

Oh. Come in.
Come in.

[Piano playing]

This is good shit.

It better be.

It's plutonian gold.
200 earth yen an ounce.

Wow! Far out.

Then I dragged myself
through the blistering
black plutonian desert,

up north through
the twin pyramids,

into the furry forest
of love.

Madam?

[Snaps fingers]

Thank you.

Owner: All right,
sheena, back to work.

Well, at least you're
not two-faced,

or you wouldn't
have chosen the one
you've got on.

Ha ha!

Come on.

Hey, buzz!
Hey!

Come on. Let's go.

Kitty, kitty, kitty.

All right, my dear.

Next time you
pass my house,

I'll appreciate it.

I've had
a wonderful time,

but it wasn't tonight.

[Both blow kisses]

Man: Come on back,
boys.

All right. Let's go, men.

[Women sobbing]

Ooh!

Control yourself, kitty.

* bum bum bum bum
bum bum bum bum *

* horno, horno,
horno... *

Butt: Thor!

[Engines cranking]

[Engine backfires]

Butt: "Infinity" log,

galaxy date--3008.2.

Captain Cornelius butt.
Entry number 1739.

Well, today we set
course for altair-1.

We will enter our
cryosleep chambers
for the 27-year journey.

Aww.

It's too bad
the "infinity's"
an older ship

without hyperdrive.

Hyperdrive is neat.
You see all those
colors and lines.

Hoo hoo! Ha ha!

All the new ships
have hyperdrive,

but hyperdrive
would make the trip
pretty quick.

Yeah, well, you take
what you can get.

Anyway, galaxina's in
control of the ship.

We never did find that ugly
little monster from the egg.

Well, got to go.

Wonder what happened
to that little shit monster.

Ech! Makes me crawl.

[High-pitched chattering]

[Beep]

[Beep]

[Beep]

[Beep]

[Whooshing]

Hmm...

[Yawns]

Girl: Grandma, can you open
this jar of pickles for me?

I'm sorry, dear.
It's my arthritis.

I can't open
that jar of
pickles for you.

Girl: Oh, grandma.

What more can I say?

[Computer beeping]

No. You needn't tell US
anymore, grandma.

We all know what
pain is, don't we?

Well, now arthritis pain
can be gone forever

with Johnson's
new atomic-powered
magnesium claws.

That's right.

With Johnson's
new atomic-powered
magnesium claws,

arthritis pain
will be gone forever.

We guarantee it.

Grandma, can you open
this jar of pickles for me?

Sure, kid. Why not?

Oh, grandma! Mommy!

[Laughing]

That's right.

With the Johnson's new
atomic-powered magnesium claws,

your arthritis pain
will be gone forever.

End arthritis pain
and have super strength.

For more information,
please write...

[Deep computer voice]
I love you,
sergeant Thor.

[Voice changing pitches]
I love you.

I am better than
a human woman.

I am warm.

I have adjusted
my temperature.

Hi, galaxina.

Hey!

Boy, am I hungry.

Me, too.

What year is it?

3035.

I got 3033.
This thing's slow.

Hey, brother, did
we just earn some
overtime or did we?

I'm gonna retire. Ha ha!

A rich fool...

Is just like poor
oil painting--

richly framed...

Hey, hey, hey!
How you doing, Sam?

Oh, my god.

He looks like
rip Van winkle.

Life just one damn
thing after another.

Let me help you
out, sir.

I'd like to help you out.
Where'd you come in?

Ha ha ha!

Suit yourself, sir.

Where'd he go?
Where's the captain?

Where's
the bathroom?

Butt:
It's not down here.

95...

96...

97...

98...

104.

Ha ha. 99.

100.

101.

102.

103.

104.

105.

106.

107.

You startled me.

Shock?

There was no shock.

I've reprogrammed
my shocking mechanism.

You...

Can't...talk.

You're not
programmed to talk.

I am now.

I've done it myself.

I had 27 years
to work on it.

And I've done it
for you.

I love you,
sergeant Thor.

You're not
cold anymore.

You're warm...

And soft...

[Chuckles softly]

Like a human woman.

I've adjusted
my temperature.

I'm better than
a human woman.

Do you like
my voice?

Oh, yes.

Very much.

I can change it
if you wish it,
sergeant Thor.

No, please don't.

And...

Just call me Thor.

Very well, Thor.

Your every wish
is my command.

I'll see you later.

Oh, shit.

I wonder if she's got a...

Thor: Whoever built her
sure forgot something.

[Screeching noises]

[Low mechanical hum]

[Screeching noises]

I'll get you now.

I'll get you now.

[Laughing evilly]

[Alarm blaring]

Oh, whiplash.

[All shouting]

Whiplash!

I'm gonna sue.
I sure hope

the space police
is insured.

Oh! Whiplash!
I'm gonna be rich.

Whiplash?
Short arm
inspection.

What is this,
Philadelphia?

Ooh, my aching wings.

Man who get whiplash
get rich quick.

Uh-huh.

Thor: You must go to the town
and find frank future

I'm sorry you'll have
to go it alone, galaxina.

We know you can do it.

Whiplash requires care.

Another thing, galaxina--

due to an excessive amount
of infrared rays on the planet,

the atmosphere is
very strange.

When the sun is up,
every color changes.

In daylight,
the blue star will be red.

At night, it returns
to normal.

[Chirping]

Altair-1 is entirely inhabited
by the scum of the universe,

settled by earthmen
over 500 years ago
as a penal colony.

So, please, be careful.

[Grunting]

[Jazzy music playing within]

[Grunting]

Hey, freak, pay two.

[Speaking indistinctly]

[Gasps]

[All laughing]

Are you frank future?

Name's Mr. Spot.

Frank future.
Let me see now.

Frank future.

Oh, yes,
I remember him.

Oh, you do?

Yes, he was
delicious.

Delicious?

[Growling]

I believe he was
roasted or...
Oh!

Maybe poached.

I'm sorry.
I can't seem to remember.

What'll you have?
Oh!

How about a cool drink?
Perhaps a blood shake

or a plasma cooler
with some chilled
lady fingers on the side?

Oh!

[Laughter]

Oh, you're all
disgusting.

Now, now,
my pretty robot.

Don't you know robots
do not have emotions?

You're beginning
to act human.

I'd like to see
frank future's room
if I can.

Why not? Upstairs,
second door on the right.

Are you sure
you wouldn't like a drink?

Oh!

[Laughing evilly]

Throw the weapon
on the bed.

[Laughing]

You must be galaxina.

I've heard a great deal
about you.

So we meet at last,
ordric from mordric.

You are very beautiful
for an automaton.

And what about you, baby?

Take off your mask
and let me see your face.

This is my face.

[Laughing]
Oh, sorry.

That's all right.

I presume
you are looking
for the blue star.

[Dramatic music playing]

Ordric: What's that?
Who's here?

The blue star.

[Dramatic music playing]

Ordric: What is this shit?

It is mine.

With it, I will control
the universe.

Oh, it's Beau--

leave it alone.

But I want
to touch it.

However,
if you fear me...

What are you doing?
A mere earth
creation...

Keep away.
I'll understand.

Touch it if you will.

Ordric does not know fear.

Oh, but I must
hold it.

Hold it if it will
give you satisfaction.

What are you doing?

Stop turning around.

Let's go for coffee.

[Electronic beeping]

Please, stop.

Oh, my aching gyros.

Are you getting dizzy,
ordric?

Thank you very much.

Oh, shit.

The blue star--

[dramatic music playing]

Is mine.

Get stuffed.

[Horses whinnying]

Oh!

[Crash]
[Groaning]

Hey, cool it, man.

She can take care
of herself.

And besides,
even if she can't,

we can always requisition
another machine.

She's not just
a machine, bat boy.

Come on, Thor,
dad gum it!

She's just
a damn machine!

Oh, that's better.

Once a machine,
always a machine.

Hey, just kidding, man,
just kidding!

What's a machine?
Let's send out
for pizza, huh?

You're deserting me,
too, huh, buzz?

It's not just a machine.

I mean...

She's not a machine.

Get sausage.

I'm gonna go find her.
Extra cheese.

Anybody coming
with me?

Butt: Italian sausage.

Double-thick crust.

You're out of
your gourd, man!

Always been a sucker
when it comes to love.

Butt:
Buzz, no anchovies.

Sam: Imagination.

Leave it to young man

to compensate him
for what he is--

Sam, will you
shut the fuck up?

[Lively dance music playing]

[Weird burp]

[Music fades out]

I stand before
the great god

Harley-Davidson.

Oh, Harley-Davidson,

our lord and master,

our graven image,

please protect US.

Vroom, vroom.

Our ancestors were
the first outlaws

that were sent
to altair-1,

earth motorcycle gangs.

Now we,
their descendants,

will rule the universe.

In my hands, I hold
the blue star...

[Doo-wop music playing]

The key to great wealth.

And when the sun rises
in the west,

this sinner...

Sinner!
Sinner!

Will be sacrificed

to the great hog
in the sky--

Harley-Davidson.

O, Harley-Davidson,

our lord and master,

our graven image.

Please protect US.

Vroom! Vroom!

[Burps]

Our time....

Has come.

With the blue star...

[Doo-wop music playing]

I, chopper,

will be able to
rule this planet.

Shit.

I'll be able to rule
the whole fucking universe.

[Laughing sinisterly]

McHenry: Oh, I tell you,
I sure am hungry.

Who would have ever
thought we'd find
a human restaurant

in an old hick town
like this?

Oh, crud.

This is not
exactly our kind of
human restaurant, is it?

No.

I really wasn't even
hungry anymore anyway.

Come on.

Hey, buddy, what do you
want for the jukebox?

Hey, look at that thing.

That's a beautiful jukebox.

It's worth a fortune.
It's an antique.

[Heavy footsteps]

Oh, shit.

[Loud growling]

[Heavy sigh]

[Dramatic music plays
on soundtrack]

Bunny fluff.

"Bunny fluff"?
Ha ha ha!

Bunny fluff!

You shut up.

Turn the key.

And kick this.

[Engine starts]

["William tell overture"
playing on soundtrack]

[Horses neighing]

They've stolen
our lord.

This--this is
impossible.

Quick! To the horses.
Get on them, men!

Wait. Don't shoot.
You may hit the lord.

Can't this thing go
any faster?

Here we go.

I don't think they
want to hit the lord.

Ha ha ha!

Yee-ha!
Whoo-hoo!

[Engine sputtering]

I guess we're
out of fuel.

Here. Throw it.

Hey, Thor, is it
over now?

Let's go!

Oh, jeez. Come on!

O, Harley-Davidson,

please protect US.

Vroom!

We forgot the pizza.

Ha ha!
Ha ha ha!

Ordric: Thank you for
delivering the blue star...

[Dramatic music plays]

To me.

I thought I destroyed you.

I have an excellent
mechanic.

But let US not
waste any time.

Captain...

Set a course for
my planet, mordric.

Mordric. That's
a suburb outside
of Philadelphia.

Or is it
Pittsburgh?

Anyhow,
they make
good pizza.

Ordric: Go up to uranus
and turn left.

Right.

Left.

Right.

No. Left.

Oh, you're crazy.

Can't turn left
and right.

Come on.
Eat the bars.

Nice bars.

Come on, now.
Eat the bars.

Thor: The bars!
Eat the bars!

I don't eat bars.
I'm a rock-eater.

Rock-eaters
don't eat bars.

Bar-eaters eat bars.

Rock-eaters
eat rocks.

That's how we get our rocks off,
asshole.

Why don't you go play
in the black hole?

McHenry: Thor, come on!

Hyah!

Thor, he shouldn't be
a prisoner anyway.

He's too sweet.

Come on. Poor...

I think you're
sweet, too, baby.

You want to see
my etchings?

Please, you're
just another
pebble on beach.

Who needs this shit?

...grew a
little Boulder.

Give me a break.

After all,
he did eat the
queen's jewels.

Well, maybe
he was hungry.

You're beginning to talk
like a human, baby.

You better cool it.

He's a criminal.
He ate the
queen's jewels.

Do you have a drinking
problem?

If you do, then call
happy hour spirits,

the liquor store chain
that's there to serve you.

Now, we have stores
all over the galaxy.

That's happy hour spirits.

We're there when you
need US most.

Announcer on TV:
And now back to our ancient
movie of the week,

the 20th-century's "first
spaceship on Venus"...

Man on TV: Look
at those bubbles.

It could be a kind of
organic life.

[Eruption continues on TV]

Man on TV:
Omiguro, stop.

Omiguro:
It's coming
after US. Look!

Up the ramp!
It's gonna
go quick!

Aah! Aah!

Man: Sumiko,
I'm coming!

[Snoring]

If only you had
a you-know-what.

Oh, I forgot to tell you,
I checked the catalog,

and they offer
you-know-whats as an option.

Really?
Yes.

Then it can work.

It comes with
a guarantee.

Who's there?

Who is it?

A marriage of man
and machine.

Oh, Thor.

Galaxina.

What's the matter?

Children.

We can't have
children.

Yes, we can.

They're in
the catalog, too.

Oh, galaxina.

Oh, Thor.

I must be hearing things.

Uh-huh.

[Woman screaming on TV]

Don't panic, sumiko.
We'll find a way out.

What's going on?

Don't shoot, John,
don't shoot!

Well, what
do you know?

[Kiss]

[Grunting]

[Spitting]
Yuck!

Buzz: Maybe it thinks
you're its mother.

You are,
in a way.

Yuck.
Shut your mouths.

Who kisses
his mother
like that?

[Spluttering
and spitting]

Mama! Mama!

Can't wait
till we get
the blue star.

Blue star!

[Dramatic music playing]

...back
to earth
for testing.

We're all gonna be rich!

And there's plenty more
where that came from.

Galaxina:
Well, that's good.

We're gonna need it.

Sonny!

Attack!

Not me!

[Tires squealing]

Captioning made possible by
lions gate entertainment

butt: "Infinity" log,
galaxy date, uh...

1942, lieutenant
Cornelius butt.

Entry number...

Where are we?
What is this?

Uh, space.
Entry number...

Uh, this is corny butt.

Is this Philadelphia?

Hey, buzz,
you forgot the pizza.

I'll bet you brought
the anchovies.

I didn't want any anchovies.

That's why everybody's
always picking on you.

What's that music?
Hey, I'm doing an entry here.

Will you bring it down?

Lower?
[Volume increases]

No, the other way,
you idiots!

[Volume decreases]

I like hyperspace.

The colors are so pretty
and then the thud

and then the whish,
the whoosh, the...
[Imitates explosion]

[Chuckling]
How's the field
holding out, boys?

Whoa, boy.

So, fuzz nuts ate
the blue star.

[Dramatic music playing]

Shut up.

We have to go back to altair-1
and find more blue--

[dramatic music playing]
Star.

Who's there?
What's going on?

Who's making that noise?

This is Cornelius butt,
mayor of Philadelphia.

When we get back to altair-1,
I'm gonna go to the beach

and part the red sea
while the others go look
for more of the rock--

[dramatic music playing]
I didn't say blue star.

[Dramatic music playing]
Dummies! Dummies!
Did you hear me?

Galaxina's very pretty
for a robot, eh,
you know what I mean?

Know what I mean?
Like to blow her fuse.

Heh heh heh!
Where are we?

Come on, Sonny!
Let's go get a pizza!

Sonny: Mama!