Gail's New Boyfriend (2019) - full transcript

Now, don't get it twisted.
This is a love story.

And like every love story,
it has highs and lows.

Nothing to do with the spite of it.

It's just true love.

Dude!

What the hell Andy?

I thought you weren't
gonna be home until six?

I snuck in early to set up a special

balloon surprise for you.

Oh baby. The balloons
are beautiful, so great.

Okay. I can see that you're upset.



How long have we been together?

How many years have I
put up with your shit?

I know.

My parents were right about you.

I should have dumped
your ass a long time ago.

Hey baby.

Just calm down. It's gonna be okay.

Jesus Christ, dude. Why?

Oh God. Okay.

Just calm down.

I was the best girlfriend.

I was such a good girlfriend.

And you are nothing
but a pot smoking boob.

- Yes, I was.
- You know what?



I should thank her for even getting it up

in the first place.

Okay. Let's just take a deep breath.

What half the time you can't get it up

and the other half the time
you barely last four minutes.

You have a problem.

Okay. Let's not say things gonna regret.

Let's just calm down.

I won't regret it. Who is she huh?

She one of your bimbos from
the bike messaging job or?

Oh, is she another one of your
legalized cannabis friends?

Come on up, sweetheart. You
can't stay in there forever.

Gail, Gail honey, honey.

Let's just go out here.

We can talk this out.
No, I think you should.

I should totally go.

No, no!

- Oh my God.
- Hey Gail.

- I know this looks bad.
- My sister!

Oh God! Why?

You hate Andy!

I'm so sorry. I don't
know how this happened.

I will fucking kill you!

Ladies, let's take a deep breath.

Let's just get into bed.
We can talk about this.

We can, you know, this
can be a cool thing.

It's fine. Ladies, no.

Why are you looking at me
like that? Ladies, ladies.

Jesus Christ. Ow. Fuck!

Oh God. Why?

Okay this is fine. My
boyfriend's fucking my sister.

I can deal with this in
a rational, calm manner.

Hey Andy, sweet darling,
boyfriend of mine.

You still your dad's tools?

Yeah. They're in the kitchen baby.

Excellent.

- Yeah.
- Okay be right back.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Oh dear God.

You know, I think that went really well.

I think everything's fine.

You suggested a threesome?

- You're so stupid.
- Ow, God. Okay.

It was just the stress
talking baby, baby.

You know know you're the
only one for me. Come on.

I better be.

You are. I mean that.

You better mean it.

Yes. We're in love. Come on.

Wait a minute. What's that sound?

Gail? Honey?

Hi. What ya?

What you got there, babe?

You heard me? I'm destroying
everything you love.

- What is that?
- Your crystal bong.

No, Shirley!

It's gonna be fine, baby.

Oh God. Oh.

No, no! Not Gandalf!

No! Smoke bomb! Jesus!

No! Why are you such a?

No! Got damn it why?

Oh God!

Five million women in New
York and he chooses my sister?

I know I'm cuter than Allie.

Very cuter. And she doesn't even like him.

She doesn't even like him.
She doesn't like the guy,

that she's sleeping
with, who's my boyfriend.

The wheels on the bus go round and round.

Round and round. Round and round.

Can I get some fucking
pudding in here please?

Can I get some pudding?

Hello? What kind of place
are you running here?

Huh? Hello can someone
untie me? I have an itch!

Hello? I'm itching! Hell...

That can't be good.

Why are you tying me down?

Because you bit me.

I told you that was an accident.

I thought you were a pork chop.

Yeah, no I don't trust you.

Night, night, juice time.

Dude?

You can't press
charges. She's my sister.

She broke my bongs.

Dude.

All of them!

Dude.

It really hurt.

- Dude. I know.
- It really hurt.

Why is your dad here? What?

He drove.

Okay. Listen, sir.

I know you're gonna try to
convince me to drop the charges,

but Gail needs to learn that
there are consequences for her

actions and there is nothing
that you can say to me,

that's gonna make me drop these charges.

I saw Gail yesterday and I
know where you keep your pot.

All right sorry for the delay everybody.

Huge rash of murders.
Totally ruined the weekend.

Anyway, someone's gonna
press charges here?

Actually, I changed my mind.

Whatever.

Smart boy.

- Want one?
- Oh, thank you.

Hey! You know the rules!

- Coop!
- No.

Baby, why they so mean to me?

I know but you made the right choice.

Okay.

She can't handle anything else.

You're right.

I know, I'm always right.

I know.

I realize now that what I did was wrong.

You can't just swing a
sledgehammer all willy-nilly

every time you get a little angry, so.

I got it all out of my
system and I'm sorry.

I'm ready to go home now.

Well, clearly you're still crazy,

but your 72 hour psych hold is up

and I have to unleash you onto society.

What? Why are you
looking at me like that?

In three, two, one.

Oh I can finally scratch. Oh my God.

Never gets old.

Okay. That can get old.

Good morning ladies.

Well hello!

You're new here.

My name is Frank and
I'll be your waiter today.

Hi Frank.

Can I give you the tapas menu?

No, we're actually
waiting on one more. So...

Just booze.

I will have a mimosa
but hold the orange juice.

I want exactly that.

Make it four and then
just keep them coming.

Just bring the box.

Don't forget the box.

Okay ladies.

Great ass!

Oh yeah. Come here.

Hey, hey. Calm yourself.

He totally checked out Jen's boobs.

So he's straight.

They're my superpower.

I have not opened the door

or get a parking ticket in years.

Everybody checks out her boobs.

I'm jealous.

Oh, magic.

Gail is seriously late, okay?

None for me, of course.

Is she right? I'm not paying attention.

Oh my God. She's she's never late.

Maybe she's getting laid.

Should we be worried?

She's so not getting laid.
She's not getting no, just no.

Yes.

Should we be worried? I mean,
she has been going a little,

since her and Andy broke up

and she's really late
and she's never late.

No, she has a right to go nuts.

He was sleeping with her little
sister for three years and

then he moves in with the bitch? Please.

You know what? You know what?

I'm worried. I'm gonna call.

I'm gonna call.

You guys, she's like in the hour late.

We have to just order.

Wait, we didn't order?

I'm getting worried.

You know what guys,
I'll call again. Okay?

It's ringing.

You like jam?

Yeah!

Again. Don't hold back.

- Jam it!
- Oh wait, what are you?

Oh okay, first time for this.

Maybe she is getting a deep dicking.

Guys, this is the first time
Gail has missed our monthly.

There's a first time for everything.

I hope she's okay.

I hope she's happy.

I hope she is getting laid.

I'm sorry your friend
couldn't make it today.

Can I get you ladies anything else?

Just checks.

No, no separate checks please.

And split the appetizers
on the checks please.

Because apparently we are
basic bitches who can't do math.

Sit down Jen. You're so aggressive.

Sit your ass down!

Jen, if you flash him your
boobs maybe we get discount.

- That is a good idea.
- Jen, no!

Jack?

I have something I wanna say.

I'm going through a really
bad breakup right now.

Frankly, I don't know how
I'm keeping it together, but

I just wanna say,

I hope this wasn't a
one night thing for you.

Don't say anything.

I just,

I like you

and I've never been with
someone like you before,

but if you're willing to
get past our differences,

so am I.

I just wanna lay here and be together

because I need someone
wonderful like you in my life.

Well, at least they didn't
kick us out from this place.

And I told you he wasn't gay.

Well we may not have got a discount,

but I got a phone number.

I can't believe Gail didn't show.

I'm sure she's fine.

Out of all us, she's the most safe.

Yeah and when she snaps, it'll be epic.

Hey.

- So sorry.
- That's all right.

I'm good for a blumpkin'.
You like what you see?

Oh no, no, no.

All right, fine.

Well Jack, you salty dog.

We all been worried sick about you.

Where are you? Do you
need bail money again?

I got bail money. If you
need some bail money again.

Let me just tell you, we're
all like really worried

and we're sick about
it. Where are you son?

- Clyde!
- Son we just...

- Clyde!
- Son we just...

Clyde! Shut the fuck up.

I got news.

What, what, what?

Look, I'm fine.

- What?
- Yeah. Yeah. I met someone.

Okay. I'm not kidnapped. I'm fine.

She's everything I ever wanted.

She's kind and courteous and sexy.

And she's got these boobs.

Her boobs are like giant
orbs of joy. It's like,

if you filled a tit with cool
whip and then took it outta

the fridge, but it didn't smell.

It smelled like angel tits.

Oh yeah. I love angels and I love her.

I'm in love.

He's no good. And I
knew it, but he had me.

Oh, he had me.

I knew I was just a young
bunny, new to showbiz.

And we started working
together, late nights.

Lots of time on the road.

I think for him, it grew into
love, but for me, I knew.

I knew from the first moment he put

his hand in my rabbit hole, I knew!

I still know.

And a sweet story
out of the national zoo

in Washington, DC. As Maggie the chimp

has made a new best friend.

It appears that Maggie found a baby...

Jack!

The mother abandoned...

The bird was abandoned
by his mother and...

Is that a puppet?

Look at her!

Let's roll the tape on
this heartwarming story.

He doesn't call, he doesn't write.

That son of a bitch is just gone!

Ghosted! I gave him the
best years of my life.

I had his bunnies! I can't
believe he'd do this to me.

That carrot fucking cinnamon ass hat!

She said she found someone
new and it's serious.

She's not so ready
for a new relationship.

It's just a rebound.

She's just getting some new dick okay?

Everyone's entitled to some new dick.

We all need it, especially
after a breakup.

Agreed but...

So will that be a round of dicks

or just a big dick for the table?

He's funny. I like him.

Well on the one hand, I mean,

it could be just with the doctor ordered.

You know I mean,

finally she gets somebody else
she can forget about Andy and

maybe possibly forgive Allie and

maybe we can become a family again.

But then of course, on the other hand,

we don't know anything about this guy,

except that he's older
and he's in show business

and you know those types of people.

Do we have any of the
lasagna left from last night?

Am I even fucking here?

We could try that position.

You are lucky that I am so bendy.

Yeah, that whole no
bones thing's coming handy.

I got one bone for you.

So I don't know how
you're gonna take this,

but Gail is dating somebody.

Dude.

Yeah. An older guy, he kind
of swept her off her feet.

Dude.

It looks serious.

Dude.

Yeah. I just hope that when she's happy

I can get my sister back.

Dude.

I know you get it.

Dude?

You always know what to say.

Dude.

Well tell us everything.

Where did you meet him?

What does he do?

How big is his dick?

- Jen down. Come on.
- What?

You guys are gonna
love him. He's so sweet.

He's a little on the shorter
side, but he's so romantic.

We just hit it off.

And for a shorter guy, he's really wow.

When are you gonna see him again?

Today. He's waiting for me at home.

- Oh my God.
- Damn.

Dude.

Best.

Ever.

Best I ever had baby.

Not only the best I've ever had

but seven times in one night.

Wow. Even I would tap
out. That's too much.

But wait Gail. Are you happy?

You've been through a lot.

I mean I'm fine.

Pictures. Pictures or it didn't happen.

Pictures or it didn't happen.

Only of his.

No. Nevermind. No one wants to see that.

I do. I totally do.

So when do we get to meet, um.

Jack. His name is Jack.

Jack!

We wanna meet him!

Girls, leave her alone.

Maybe she doesn't want
him to meet us, right?

Why not?

It's okay. We're just, we're new.

I'll talk to him tonight. I promise.

Okay.

There's something about
the crazy ones that makes

them real good in bed.

Dagnabbit, if you get
a little lady with both

abandonment and daddy issues,
she will ragdoll you around

in the bedroom like she
got something to prove.

Now Jack knows this about Gail,

and the problem is, that
Jack ain't the kind of puppet

that's gonna do real nice
things with that information.

This so amazing.

You are so romantic.

Come in here.

Yeah.

Do it slowly.

Of course. Anything for you, baby.

Oh yeah. Just the top.

Oh, there's the prize.

We know nothing about this guy.

And you know Gail's
always had some issues.

She gets that from your crazy mother.

She's been always like nutty like Mona.

In fact, you know

I could say that your
mother was more rational

after she got dementia.

Any more of that lasagna left?

There's meatballs.

Would you mind?

Jack?

You don't mind coming to meet
my friends and family. Do you?

I'd be so happy to.

I love you.

I love you too.

Great. I'll set it up.

Gail, sexually, have you ever tried

a Kentucky menthol cobra?

What's that?

You do a headstand with a
full split and I'll need a

Jack Daniels, a pack of menthol
cigarettes and a funnel.

Well, I don't have a funnel.

I have a Turkey baster. Will that work?

That'll work.

Stay right here.

Ugh. I'll be right back.

Stud.

Oh daddy, likey.

That son of a bitch, I'll kill him!

I just found out he's shaking
up with some blonde bimbo.

I'm gonna cut dick off,
but that never works.

I'll just sew it back on.

I don't understand why he's doing this.

Doesn't he know I love him?

I'm gonna find her.
Then I'm gonna kill her.

And I know just how to hurt him too.

I'm in love with this
girl and long story short,

she knows how to do a Cleveland
three way triple way axle.

Let me, it's this thing where
she puts her hand in my ass

and okay, okay. Never mind.

The point is, I'm in love.
Oh God, I love her so much.

She's got the perfect hair.

She's got perfect eyes.
Everything about her is wonderful.

Look, love me and love her
because we are together

and that's it. Just accept it for what it.

It's true love with blumpkins.

Where's that son of a bitch?

I'm gonna shoot him in the nut sack!

I'm coming honey!

Mrs. Jack.

Oh, Jack.

Mrs. Jack.

Mrs. Jack.

See, it doesn't really
matter that your friends

and your family know you're crazy.

It takes 'em by surprise every time.

What?

Why are you all looking at me like that?

Mom?

Daddy?

Say something.

I think I'm gonna look
and see if we have any tini

from last night.

I think I'm gonna help you.

What?

Is she fucking the puppet?

Gail, you, is this a joke?

I mean, I've made bad
decisions about men before.

To felons, the married guy,

that guy in Santorini who
didn't speak any English.

Jen! Look, Gail.

You know, that's not a real person, right?

That's a puppet. You know that, right?

Excuse me?

I know things have been rough
lately, but he's not real.

I think you need some help darling.

Does he even have a dick?

Jen!

What?

She's crazy.

This is all Allie's fault.
We need to fix this family.

Do we have any prosciutto?

Behind the pickles.

Maybe it's a phase Gail's
going through, you know?

I mean, maybe we should just ignore it.

Maybe it really is just a phase.

How about some provolone?

Behind the olives? Ugh.

I'm going to kill Andy. He's
making our little girl crazy.

How about some of the
ossobuco you made last night?

Red Tupperware. Red tup...

You think this is awful?

I mean are we really bad parents?

How dare you all sit there
and cast against my

relationship with Jack? What
do you have? Any of you?

Do any of you have a real relationship?

Those are with real people.

Oh bullshit! Your fiance is a writer.

Does he have anything
published? Any productions? No.

As far as I can tell, he sits
at Starbucks all day long.

You don't have to be mean.

Oh so it's okay for you all to sit there

and be mean about my
relationship with Jack?

But I can't say shit about
the fact that your boyfriends

get more dick than you do?

Or that Zoe's older boyfriends
don't just explain her type,

they in fact tell us
she's got daddy issues?

Wow.

Yeah. Wow Jen.

Is there a professor you didn't date

when you were at law school?

That's not dating.

We all know what she meant.

God.

I'm out of here. We
don't have to take this.

Mom?

Oh, Hey Gail.

You father and I are making
some dinner for everyone.

Oh great. Should I see
if Jack wants anything?

This I gotta see.

Gail honey, are you all right?

I don't understand why
they're being so mean.

They're your friends.
You should talk to them.

You're right.

Honey, why don't you
come on out so we can talk?

Let's go.

Jack, not now.

Look, I know you're concerned because...

He's a puppet.

No, because of his age.

Oh my God. Are you racist against puppets?

Puppets aren't a race.

Are you kidding me?

Calm down. Calm down.

I will not calm down mother.

I will not stand for
this type of intolerance.

Puppets are people just like you and me.

Come on Jack, we're leaving.

So how did you two meet?

Great. Now we have two
people that think he's real.

Well, its really interesting actually.

Before Andy left, we had
tickets to see this comedy show.

So I decided to go by myself.

Thank you, thank you.
Oh my gosh, thank you.

I've been amazing. Bye.

Oh boy, you guys are in for a treat.

This next puppet, he's my favorite.

All right, let's get to
him. Let's get to him.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome,

Grandpa Bra.

Hey, Hey.

Grandpa, why don't you
say hi to the nice people?

Eh, you talk to 'em. They're ugly.

That's not nice. These
people are very good looking.

They're your people. You're ugly too.

Grandpa!

Yeah, drink up sweetie. Yeah.

Excuse me, I'm sorry. Sorry everybody.

You think that's why he left me?

- Cause you're belching?
- I'm disgusting.

Yeah. It's not.

I don't know why he left.

I feel like I could see myself.

That's so empty.

Would you say that's
half full or half empty?

I would say it's almost
empty. Almost empty.

Like my heart.

Did I tell you my ex boyfriend?

You did. You already did.

You wanna see him right now?

I don't. There he is.

There he is.

This is a terrible mojito.

You wouldn't do that to me would you?

You wouldn't do that to me would you?

Would you fuck my sister?

No, I like men.

Me too.

Men are pigs.

We should probably go out.

- We shouldn't.
- No.

I don't want to with you. I'm sorry.

Fine. No. More rejection. It was fine.

This is the worst mojito I've ever had.

It's a cosmopolitan.

You're a cosmopolitan.

I am, you're right.

Do you wanna see him?
You wanna see a picture?

Sure. For the fifth time.

He's an asshole and I
don't like him at all.

Yeah. Me neither.

- You're so nice.
- Thank you.

- I really like you.
- Thank you.

Am I like your terrible mojito?

Uh, this is from gentleman.

Hey, how you doing?

Huh? You're looking sweet over there.

You into puppets?

Oh shit.

If you wanna fuck, gimme a wink.

Yeah, it's on. Yeah.

Well it's getting late.

Yeah. I gotta go. I
gotta get outta here.

Early day tomorrow.

If you're gonna be a puppet fucker,

you be the best puppet fucker you can be.

Hmm.

I think that went well.

Yeah. Great. Netflix and chill?

Oh yeah.

Tit punch.

Our family is so broken.

Allie stole Gail's boyfriend.
They hate each other.

Your mother ran off with
this sword swallower

from the last crew she was on.

Our marriage has been on
the rocks for quite a while.

You know, when we got
together, when we were kids,

you promised me this wonderful life.

This wasn't what I expected.

I need you to fix this, please.

I need you to be the hero that you told me

you were gonna be all those years ago.

My hero.

Hero.

Hero.

Heroes. Let's order
Heroes. I'll have the veal.

What do you want?

A shotgun and an airtight alibi.

Hey Jack?

Why is Teddy Ruxpin's eye glowing?

It's just a reflection
hanging off the China ball

or something.

Hey Gail?
Yeah?

Tip shaft ball.

Oh!

Every relationship hits a wall.

But Jack, trust me, that puppet is nothing

if not resilient.

He can turn a cleaning
day into a booty call

in a heartbeat.

You could help, you know.

You could dress sexier when you do it.

And why would I wanna do that?

Take a look at the bucket over there.

Aww. Okay.

Next time I'll go out
and buy something sexy.

No need, take a look in the trash can.

Put that shit on s'il vous plait.

If I wear that, I'll
never get any cleaning done.

That's the point.

Okay.

Your sister's going
through a really rough time

and it's because of you two.

Dude!

Dude, nothing. You need to fix this.

Mom. Just calm down. What's happening?

Well, I'll explain it to you,

but it's not gonna make much sense.

Dude.

Gail upgraded.

Dude!

Bonjour.

You're like a rosy the
robot, but flesh colored.

I'm fluffing myself.

I cannot believe she
replaced me with a puppet.

- Dude.
- A puppet!

Dude.

We've been together nine
years and she replaces me with a

Waldorf staggered looking Muppet.

Dude.

I mean, am I just so insignificant

that she can just replace me
with two feet of stuffing?

He doesn't even have a dick.

Dude.

You're right. I'm sorry.

I'm being really uncool.

- You are.
- I'm sorry.

You are.

Thank you.

Let's go get smoothies.

I'm Kelly.

And by the time you see this I'll be dead.

On March 27th, 2016, my
life was changed forever.

On that night, I met and began
a relationship with a puppet.

It was all so exciting at first.

You know the first step
to fixing the problem

is admitting you have one.

Can I get a risotto babe?

What'd she say?

She said he's kind and funny.

He's a puppet.

And he's got a really big...

Oh my God, he's a fucking puppet.

And that it's harder than yours.

Come on. Really?

It's probably small...

It's just stuff and fluffing. I mean,

fuck that bullshit.

It's probably just
from the pot you smoke.

Really?

What? I mean it's not
a consistent problem.

And there are pills for this.

I've been doing research.

Dude!

And closer to home, the
comedy world is rocked

as an audience member
steals one of America's

best known puppets.

Police say a deranged
and obviously intoxicated

young lady stole the puppet
post show at the bar of a

popular city comedy club.

Oh shit!

Our reporter was live and on the scene.

We're here at a local
comedy club where comedian

Frank Horvath had his
beloved puppet, Grandpa Bra

stolen over two weeks ago.

Frank?

He was my first puppet.

He means everything to
me. I, who would do this?

He's priceless!

Any idea on his whereabouts?

Nothing. I mean, there
was no demands, no ransom.

What kind of animal would do this?

The club set up a reward.

So if you have him or any
information on his whereabouts,

please contact the club.

Yes, so far $85,000 has been
raised for the safe return

of Grandpa Bra.

Hey little buddy.

I'm gonna come and get
you. I'm gonna rescue you.

Believe me. And if you're
out there and you have him,

I will find you and I will hunt you down.

I have a very specific set of skills.

I'm gonna get you!

Back to you.

That is such a sad story.
But police have a lead.

What some women won't
do to find the right man.

I just love to clean, but
you're a dirty, dirty boy.

Police have released the surveillance.

Anyone with information is
asked to call the one on eight.

Why couldn't you have
just taken my kids?

Nobody wants them anyway.

Oh no.

If you're gonna have sex with a puppet...

Had his beloved puppet
Grandpa Bra stolen over two...

Dude!

Oh my God, Gail.

Oh for shit's sake.

I think that club is
next to the Italian deli

where I buy the super sub.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Our daughter's a felon

and all you are thinking about is salami.

Yeah.

Hey Emma.

She what?

Like gangsta bitch.

Oh yeah. Someone is
definitely gonna report that.

So,

I'm told you have information
about the missing puppet.

Yeah. I've been waiting here for an hour

and no one seems to want
to take my information.

Yeah. That's because
since the news report,

everyone and their mother has
information on the puppet.

Well, I actually know where it is.

Yeah. Why is that? Did you take it?

No, but my ex did, so.

All right then where
is she? We'll go get it.

Well, how do I know you're
gonna give me the reward money?

Hey Simpson. Ah, hey Andy.

Hey, Coop.

You know this guy?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, used to arrest of him a
lot for pot back in the day.

One time he did so many
shrooms he tried to dance with

a bunch of sanitation workers.

Yeah those were good times.

Ow guys.

Says the puppet is
with his ex-girlfriend.

Gail. Yeah. Nice lady.

She used to cut me to
bail him out all the time.

Though, I think actually her
sister blowing that job now.

They're, uh, boning.

You said bone.

You're having sex with
your ex-girlfriend's sister?

Yeah dude. Pound it.
Pound it. Lock it. Drop it.

Classy guy.

You know what? Her
address is in his file.

So why don't you grab
Griffin, go check it out

and I'll stay here and
keep an eye on Andy.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait.

Why do I have to wait
here? That's not cool guys.

Think of it like the lottery.

If I go and I find a
puppet, you get a check.

Ooh, cool. High five.

Handshake?

Secret handshake. Fist bump? No?

Glasses.

Lay off the donuts. Both of you.

Hey!

See you glasses.

- Hey Andy?
- Yeah Coop?

If they don't find a puppet,

they're gonna come back here
and file charges against you

for filing a false police report.

Dude.

And then you're going to the tombs.

Dude.

Dude.

Sympathy donut? Ow.

Never touch the donuts.

Fine.

- You know better.
- I know.

Gail Spicolli?

Detective Simpson. This is my
partner, Detective Griffin.

We need to ask you some
questions about a puppet.

May we come in?

This will go a whole lot better

if you just tell us where the puppet is.

I don't know what you're talking about.

We have video surveillance
of you leaving the comedy club

with puppet feet sticking
out from under your shirt.

It wasn't me.

Excuse me.

Did you find it?

Not a trace.

If she's holding it,
she probably dumped it.

It's been two weeks.

I get the feeling this broad
is still hiding something.

So...

Short of tearing off the floorboards.

If she left in a safe deposit box,

I don't know whether this
loony broad is holding it.

Huh?

But there's one odd
thing you should see.

Bondage ropes on the bed.

Look.

Puppet sized.

That's just sick.

That's a really special kind of crazy.

Why are the beautiful
ones always so crazy?

Think I should look around some more.

Yeah.

Nice outfit.

Police here yet?

In the bedroom. How'd you know?

It's on TV. You're both
famous. Don't say a word.

Detectives.

I'm Jen Flores, Ms. Spicolli's attorney.

This search and questioning is over.

If she has nothing hide.

Here is my number, contact
my office and you can set up

a meeting where she'll
be present with counsel.

You know, your client did let us in, so.

And I'm sure you apprised
her of all her rights.

Did you find anything while
you conducted your illegal

search through her underwear?

No, but your client
is acting suspicious.

I mean, look at how she's dressed.

Your lady doesn't dress
like this for you anymore?

Poor thing.

Look at the ropes on the bed.
They're set up for a puppet.

Or a woman.

Perhaps one about my size?

What does that have to, oh.

Oh.

- Did you find the puppet?
- No ma'am.

Is my client under arrest?

No.

Then I believe I asked you to leave.

Is it the woman thing or the lesbian thing

that's making you drag your feet.

Please let me know what to tell the press.

We're on our way out.

You have my number.

If you wanna talk to her, call me.

So where is he?

What a

fucking awesome hiding spot.

Cab or Pino?

Cab.

Okay. You're gonna
drink this wine tonight.

Tomorrow you are going to see a shrink.

Okay?

Yeah okay.

Where did that come from?

No talking! Just make me squeak again!

What? I mean? I don't know.

Grandpa Bra is my friend.

I'm not fucking around! Get
down there and make me squeak

again or God help me. I'll go
to TMZ crying about how you

keep puttin' your hand up my
ass without asking for consent.

I swear to God I'll make
you look like a low budget

Harvey Weinstein.

Okay. Okay, I'll go.

Oh. Oh yeah.

That's right, two can play
this human fucking game.

Oh yeah.

So you're dating...

Jack.

Jack the puppet.

I don't know how it happened.

Okay. Well, you know, it
is all over the news, right?

You need to admit you
stole it and give it back.

I don't know how to quit him.

Okay.

So you need to stop with
the broke back puppet shit.

I interviewed your mom,
your dad, your sister,

and your friend Jen.

You had an asshole boyfriend

who dumped you in the worst way.

I'm sorry. It really sucks,

but it happens and you
need to deal with it.

You stole a puppet and now
you're crazy ass thinks

he's real and you're dating.

He is real.

No, he's not.

He's real to me.

Stop it.

Are you gonna take him away?

It might be better for
you if I did, but nope.

I'm not gonna do it.

You really need to figure
this out on your own.

And I really hope you do
it before you get arrested.

You
wouldn't believe what Jen did

to keep that puppet safe.

That's Gail's sister.

She's the one that
caused Gail to go crazy.

How?

Started doing Gail's live in boyfriend.

- Dude.
- Dude.

He's the one that called in the tip.

He just wants to reward money.

Greedy bastard and
he's hitting them both.

Yeah.

- Dude.
- Dude.

Oh my God. What?

What are you doing here?
Something good.

Outside of my therapists
office? Are you kidding?

You've just been waiting to accost here?

I'm not accosting you.

My most vulnerable. I
am here because of you!

I'll explain.

No, I don't want you to explain.

I don't wanna hear
anything you have to say.

Just go home.

Go home to Andy. Go home Allie.

I don't wanna look at you.

I don't wanna talk to you.

I don't wanna speak to
you ever again. Get out!

Guy, let's go get our puppy.

She was just waiting for me

right outside the therapists office.

Like some kind of mind
games. I don't even know.

She's not-

- Gail Spicolli.

Warrant.

I'll take that.

All right. It's legit.

Give me your handbag.

No need to be grabby.

You got it?

That's a negatory.

Satisfied?

All right. It's not in your purse.

It's not in your house. Where is it?

Warrant only covers
the house and the purse.

We're done here?

If you say so.

- Come on.
- Thank you.

Oh my God! What are you
doing here? Did you touch him?

- No.
- Oh my God.

It wasn't enough for you
to take Andy from me.

You have to take Jack too?

No. Jen asked me to get him here to you.

I guess she thought with
Andy being the one that

ratted you out, the police
probably wouldn't search me.

Thank you.

Andy's an asshole.

Yeah, he is.

I'm sorry.

Andy and I broke up.

Why?

Because I want my sister back.

Aww.

Look, I have a steady job and yeah sure,

Jack's a puppet, but he
loves me and treats me well.

I mean, our relationship
is so sound, you know?

It's just nothing but love and
understanding and passion and

our home life is amazing.

And our sex life is amazing.

And frankly, I don't see
what the big deal is.

Well, professionally speaking,

I mean you're fucking nuts Gail.

Oh.

I mean, I do fuck the nuts sometimes.

He likes it when I pay special attention.

Just like. No?

No. No.

Just like a...

You're crazy. Stop!

- No?
- No.

I have to go.

Careful out there.

Is she getting better?

Oh yeah. She's fine.

Well, on the other hand,

she hasn't mentioned the
puppet in like six weeks.

Do we have any cavatelli?

I want a divorce.

Is someone here?

Nobody's here.

I should go check.

Nah, don't stop now.

I'm gonna wind up with cotton balls.

Oh yeah. What are you
doing with that loofah?

Don't stick it in there.

Oh wait, no. Stick it in there.

Oh!

For the love of Jim Henson,
she has the got damn puppet.

Look. We searched her place four times.

We searched her bag seven
times. She don't have it.

Come on, Andy. Give it up.

I don't have it. All right.

Listen, the two of you should
just be better at your jobs.

You have one fucking job to do,

which is find the puppet so
I can get the reward money.

What the fuck is wrong
with the two of you?

You're like the stupidest cops
in all of fucking New York.

Listen, you realize you're yelling at

two guys with guns, right?

Yeah. If we shoot you, no
one's gonna hold a protest.

There's no hipster lives matter.

Hey, wait a minute.

Does this guy smell like pot to you?

What?

Yeah. Smell like he hid a kilo on him.

Yeah. I bet if we search him,
we're gonna find some drugs.

Guys. Guys. Come on.

Let's be cool about this. It's all cool.

Smoke bomb!

I hate it when they run.

Fuck!

Baby won't you be my husband?

Come on big daddy won't
you need me around?

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!

Baby grease on the tit.

Never cook bacon naked.

I could lick it off for ya.

Maybe later.

How about now? How about that one later?

Oh, let's get some now and laters.

You love me. Let me
show you what's going on.

I don't think she's crazy anymore.

Oh no. Of course not. No, of course not.

Oh God, oh Jesus.

Oh God! Fucking God! My
cocking balls in my spine.

I don't even have bones,
but this fucking hurts.

Gail.

All you do is give,
but what is Jack doing?

Is he giving you massages?

Come on. He hasn't worked
in nearly four months.

You pay all the bills.

He doesn't even take you
out. Are you listening to me?

Even if he wanted to take you out,

he's wanted by the police.

I know you love him. Look at me,

but what is he doing for
you? I mean, what does he do?

Bazinga!

Happy New Year!

You do everything.

You just don't get it.

I don't. I don't get it.

Even with a woman as sexy as Gail,

it's hard to stay focused on just one.

But fortunately Gail is kinda
woman that knows the way

into a puppet's heart.

What?

Can I help you?

You seem to like this.

What are you thinking?

Let's color my dick with markers

and then taste the rainbow.

And still Gail was holding on.

Deep down she suspected
something was wrong,

but she held on as long as she could.

And Jack,

well, his mind wandered.

Perhaps through time, long ago.

Give it to me.

Hurry you son of a
bitch. I'm gonna squeak.

I'm gonna squeak!

Oh my God, Jack!

No.

Is this what you do all
day when I'm not here?

Baby.

Don't you baby me. Let me see this.

Don't.

That is disgusting.

It means nothing.

I don't understand how
you would look at this

disgusting shit when you
have a real woman right here.

I'm so sorry, baby.
It won't happen again.

Have you slept with
any of these furries?

Baby, baby.

Have you? Answer me Jack.

That is such an unfair question.

Answer me.

I am not going to be any
part of this craziness.

Answer me Jack. Or so help me God.

I'll do something we'll both regret.

Don't do this baby. I love you.

I'll do it.

You'll know I'm not color fast, baby.

Last chance.

Fine.

Yes. I slept with Kukla,
Ms. Piggie, Lambchop.

I mean, what do you want from me?

I'm a puppet, you know? We have urges.

Anyone else?

Anyone else Jack?

Triumph. The insult comic dog.

When I was in college and I was drunk.

I was experimenting.

You are sleeping on the couch tonight.

I need some time to think.

Fine. Can I have the laptop though?

No!

Damn baby. People are
right about you, you know?

You're nuts, frigging nuts.

And I know I should be
more understanding. I just,

I can't wrap my head around it.

He's at home all day
rubbing one out to Lambchop

while I'm at work. And I mean,

I know I'm more attractive than Lambchop.

I'm more attractive.
Right? Okay.

Cause he's not doing any of
it because he's not real.

Listen,

you stole a puppet and
invented the love you wanted

because you had this
asshole boyfriend dump you.

I get it. It's fine.

Just let it go.

For the last time, he is real.

Mcfly. No, he's not real. Okay?

My five year old had
an easier time getting

that Santa Claus isn't
real. Five, she's five.

And you, you're sitting here,
a grown as woman, trying to

convince me that you're dating a puppet.

You are not dating a puppet.

I've been here too got damn long.

I spent too much money on fucking
school to fucking sit here

and listen to you go
crazy. This is insane.

I've never committed a patient.

I've never prescribed any medication.

But if you don't figure this
shit out, I will drop you

at myself.

And I'll prescribe so much Prozac that you

won't be able to stand up
for the next three months.

You get me?

Yeah.

Yeah. Okay. Now get the fuck outta here.

20 minutes left in the session.

Yeah. If you think I'm gonna sit here

for the next 20 minutes,
listening to you talk about

50 shades of gray meets avenue cue.

You're fucking crazier than I thought.

- Leave!
- Bye.

Crazy bitch.

Hey.

Hey.

I'm sorry. They shouldn't
have handcuffed you.

No they shouldn't.

Thanks.

So where's your partner?

He's at your place
conducting the search.

There's no puppet there.

All right then where did you hide it?

I don't think I'm supposed
to say anything without my

attorney present.

You're right.

She's with Griffin at your apartment,

they're doing the search.

When can I go home?

Well, if we don't find the puppet,

then as soon as your lawyer
gets here, free to go.

Okay.

Sweetheart?

What did you just call me?

No, the candy, it's sweethearts.

I understand the, sorry.

I don't know.

Do you always offer candy to
people you've had handcuffed?

Only the cute ones.

Can I ask you something off the record?

Not about the puppet.

Sure.

I met your ex-boyfriend, Andy.

How does

someone like you end up
with a human bong like that?

Yeah, he is basically a
bong with legs. Isn't he?

I don't know. He used to be sweet.

I always thought he was
this really good listener.

Turned out he was just tying his balls

and zoned out all the time.

Well, at least you upgraded.

Your lawyer seems like a perfect fit.

Appears that way.

No my current relationship
isn't perfect, but it's,

it's what I need right now.

But you still want more?

Don't we all?

Honestly, I just like
to find something real.

Me too.

So what about you? No Mrs. Simpson?

No,

I don't meet a lot of
people I'm interested in.

Then when I do, they already have someone.

Most of the women I meet
are actually here at work.

The captain frowns on
us dating suspects. So.

Well, nothing says you
couldn't ask her out after

she's been cleared.

No, I guess that would be okay.

Hey Simps.

Oh, hey Gail.

Hey, how's your honey?

Sweet as always.

Any news?

Yes, actually they
could not find the puppet

and your employer is
raising holy hell right now.

She's threatening to sue everybody.

So unless you confess to something,

we gotta let her go.

Well, Ms. Spicolli.

Gail.

Gail.

I guess you're free to go.

Thank you.

I hope that we meet again
under different circumstances.

I think I should go.

Thanks for the candy.

Excuse me.

Down killer.

I really hope she's not guilty.

I think I like her a lot.

Oh.

The whole department knows
that not only is she crazy,

she's super guilty. Super guilty.

Where's the puppet then Cooper?

It's only a matter of
time before we find it.

Oh. Oh, so she's guilty,

but you couldn't find the puppet.

You're the one out in
the field with Griffin.

Don't blame me.

Fine if she's guilty,
then you're a bad cop.

If she's guilty, I'm gonna
give you all my donuts.

I don't want your donuts.

You're gonna eat my donuts.

Sanchez put those in his ass.

You're welcome.

Psst.

Psst.

Hey!

Hey. Fuck you're a bunny.

And you're a loser hipster asshole.

What's your fucking point?

Do you have the information? Huh?

Yeah. You got what I need?

Take it.

How do I know these are gonna work?

Look, it's what they use
when they're making furry porn.

If it's gonna keep a puppet dick hard,

I'm sure it'll work on your flesh thimble.

Now gimme the information
before I go postal.

You know what? Actually,
you're not a nice bunny.

Shut the fuck up you limp dick hipster!

No wonder he left her.

What is going on in here? Jack?

It's time.

I don't think I can do this.

Yes you can. You're strong.

We're all here for you.

I don't know.

We miss you Gail. And we know
it's been a rough year, but,

and he gave you something.

But it's time to move on.

And there's a ventriloquist
out there who's

worried sick about his friend.

Do it for him and do it for you.

You're right.

Do you think any of these
broads would be into a threeway?

Do it! Do it! Tape! Tape!

I'll never let go Jack.

Gail.

Gail.

Here.

This is more socially acceptable. Okay?

Is that Oscar? You still have this?

Of course.

Hey.

Don't make it talk.

Right.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

A happy ending as a
ventriloquist is reunited with his

beloved puppet. Frank, what happened?

The club manager, he just called me and

apparently somebody dropped
him off, rang the buzzer

and ran away.

Any damage?

No, he's perfectly fine.

Other than some lipstick
stains in some questionable

places. Nothing that a, you
know, stain stick can't get out.

Any idea where he was the last 17 weeks?

No idea. I...

Grandpa. Where were you?

Well, puppet's gotta
get a little something,

something sometime. You
know what I mean? Yeah.

What's your name, baby?

I like the way you hold that microphone.

Okay.

There was a note in the box
apologizing and asking that the

reward money be donated to a
woman's mental health charity.

Back to you in the studio.

Jack. I love you.

I thought I was gonna be Ms. Jack.

I was gonna be Ms. Jack.

Hey.

Hey.

Yeah, I'll get a.

You should do a shot.

I get kind of wild when I do shots.

I like kind of wild. How
wild are we talking here?

Ever heard of a Kentucky menthol cobra?

I got a funnel and there's
a hotel around the corner.

Let's go.

Ms. Picolli.

- Detective?
- Yeah.

Listen I just wanna let
you know that the puppet

was mysteriously returned to the club.

So we were wrong to
have thought it was you.

Just wanna let you know we're
not gonna bother you anymore.

Thank you.

I'm glad to hear he was returned safely.

Yeah.

Look, I'd love to make it up to you.

I could take it for a cup of coffee.

Are you asking me out detective?

Victor.

No, I know you're dating your lawyer.

She's just a friend. We're not dating.

Oh, in that case how
about we skip coffee.

Do dinner?

I'd like that.

Great!

Great.

I'll walk you.

Okay.

Where are you headed?

Nowhere.

Just looking at the river?

Yeah.

You sure?

Shut up and take off your clothes.

I'm gonna go all cape
fear on this bitch!

I can't watch.

I am going to jerk off though.

And they all lived happily ever after.

Well, there might have
been a hitch or two.

Look, I'm so sorry.

I had no idea you two were a couple.

Married. We're married.

He never told me. I'm really sorry.

Did you ever ask?

You destroyed our home!
You ruined our family!

I can't believe you do this to us.

I didn't mean to. Besides we broke up.

Look, I feel just horrible.

Can I get you something
to drink? Maybe a coffee.

Fuck your coffee and fuck your pity

you blonde haired bitch!

You think you're so superior

'cuz your big fucking tits and legs?

Oh you come walking in
here with your long legs

and your tits, well you're
a miserable piece of shit.

Fuck you and fuck him.

You two twats deserve each other.

Oh, I don't know what I was thinking.

I knew that puppet couldn't
keep his hands off the humans.

And as for you Blondie,

you just stay the fuck away from me or

I'll carve a new asshole
into your forehead.

Oh my.

You're both a pair of cunts! Bitches!

That's just mean.

Sharmuta! Fucking
bitches cunting whores.

She's a bitch cunt whore.

I seriously have no idea where he is.

He told me if I came by
today he'd give me money.

Well he doesn't live here anymore.

You have to leave.

Hey, Hey.

Sorry man, I'll work for it.

Nope. Not thanks. You gotta go.

It makes you feel any...

Please don't be dead.
Please don't be dead.

I'm dating a cop. I can't
explain a dead sock puppet.

Better. Yeah if it
makes you feel any better

whenever I did him he put on
a tape of you two doing it.

He never filmed us.

Left hip, Wonder Woman tattoo.

That fucker filmed me!

50 bucks. I'll tell
you where the camera is.

I'll give you a dollar.

Make it two.

Deal.

It's in Teddy Ruxpin.

Fucking Teddy Ruxpin.

Fuck outta my apartment.

Get out. Get outta here. Get out.

Get. Get. Get. Get. Get outta here.

Get outta here.

Yeah.

And it will truly be like pooping on poop.

Yeah. Yeah.

Okay, move the cat now.