Gabriel Iglesias: Stadium Fluffy (2022) - full transcript

Features Gabriel "Fluffy" Iglesias as he talks about growing up in Los Angeles, an attempt at extortion towards him, and where he holds the record for receiving the highest fine on stage.

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Can you please state your name?

Martin Moreno.

But you might know me as...

Martinnnnn!

I've been touring with Gabriel Iglesias
for 20-plus years.

Martinnnnn!

And, yeah, he's been screaming
my name for 20-plus years.

Hurry up, Martinnnnn!

Dude, that's better than most marriages.
That's a win.

It has been an incredible journey.

We've gone from garages, clubs,
living rooms,



to theaters, arenas around the world,

and now a stadium.

They say comedy is subjective,

but when you're selling out stadiums,

that's no longer subjective.

So, what can people expect?

One of the biggest shows
Los Angeles has ever seen.

And whatever you do, make sure
you stick around till the end.

You want to see how this thing ends.

So, what else is left to say?

Without further ado,

live from Dodger Stadium,
Gabriel Iglesias!

♪ California love ♪

♪ California ♪



♪ Knows how to party ♪

♪ California ♪

♪ Knows how to party ♪

♪ In the city of L.A. ♪

♪ In the city of good ol' Watts ♪

♪ In the city, the city of Compton ♪

♪ We keep it rockin' ♪

♪ We keep it rockin' ♪

♪ Now let me welcome everybody
To the wild, wild West ♪

♪ A state that's untouchable
like Eliot Ness ♪

♪ The track hits ya eardrum
Like a slug to ya chest ♪

♪ Pack a vest for your Jimmy
In the city of sex ♪

♪ We in that sunshine state
With a bomb ass hemp beat ♪

♪ The state where ya never
Find a dance floor empty ♪

♪ And pimps be on a mission
For them greens ♪

♪ Lean, mean money-makin' machines
servin' fiends ♪

- ♪ I been in the game... ♪
- Los Angeles!

We did it.

I didn't do it, we did it.

Thank you so much.

Thank you so very...

"They want to cry."
"Yes, they want to cry."

I haven't been out here
30 seconds and already...

Thank you so much.

Thank you.

I know some of you
just found out Martin is real.

'Cause you finally get to see him, right?

And if you're Mexican, yes,
he looks like Machete.

Or Marco Antonio Solís.

If you're white,
he looks like the Big Lebowski.

Wow! This is awesome.
Martin wasn't lying, you guys.

We started off in freaking garages
and backyard barbecues

and quinceañeras and weddings and...

now it's like, you know, this is...
this is home for us.

The biggest thing I've ever done
will be tonight

without a shadow of a doubt.

And I'm glad that you
can all be here for this.

This is, uh...

'Cause, yeah, after Covid,
I wasn't sure what was gonna happen.

You know what I'm saying?

Like, the only good thing I can say
about 2020 for me

was the fact that, for some reason,
I managed to lose 70 pounds.

Thank you. Yeah.

Yeah, I lost 70 pounds.

People ask me, "What's your secret?"

I said, "It's no secret,
they closed all the goddamn restaurants,

that's the secret."

I didn't know how to cook.
That was the secret.

It was me at home
with a Foreman Grill making wienies...

But, yeah, we were on tour
in Kalamazoo, Michigan,

when we got the news
that we had to go home.

And then we came home,
and we all turned on our TVs.

And we watched them lie to us.

I'm not trying to be a conspiracy person,
but they told us, remember?

"It's only going to be two weeks."

That's it, they told us, two weeks.

Right? "Ladies and gentlemen,
we'd just like to ask

that you go home for two weeks,
be with your loved ones,

be with your family, just two weeks,
while we figure things out."

"Dr. Anthony Fauci has given us
some new information to go by."

"Just two weeks,
that's all we need, just two weeks."

And I apologize for using the same
stereotypical old white voice.

But that's the one that they used.

Because that's the one
we listen to in a time of crisis.

It couldn't be any other voice.

It couldn't be...

"No, man, shut up, look!"

"No more than two weeks, okay?"

"You gonna go home,
go to your mama and your papa."

"And if Covid come to the house,

you tell Covid,
'Hey, he's not here, buddy.'"

"Come back another time, it's okay."

"Just two weeks."

It couldn't be any other voice.

It couldn't be...

"I'll tell you what, this
is what you're gonna do, God damn it."

"You're gonna take your ass home,
you're gonna hunker down."

"You're gonna hunker down
and if Covid shows up at your front door,

get her done right there to the face,
okay, that's what you're gonna do."

"Just two weeks."

It couldn't be any other voice.

It couldn't be...

"All right, listen up,
this is what's gonna happen."

"You're gonna go home, you're gonna be
with your family and them, right?"

"And if..." oh, you don't wanna laugh
at the Black voice, huh?

Whatever. That's your guilt,
not my guilt, I'm fine.

I'm fine.

But, yeah, just two weeks,
that's what they told us.

Two weeks, and two weeks
turned into two months,

turned into half a year,
turned into a year-plus.

And little by little,
they told us who was most at risk

for Covid-19.

Come to find out,
it's people over 45, okay?

People who are overweight.

Here we go.

- Diabetics.
- No fucking way, really?

Most at risk, Latinos
and African Americans.

Yeah. Bye, Felicia.

I come to find out I was 85%
of the underlying conditions.

Over 45, overweight, diabetic,
high cholesterol, high blood pressure.

Apparently Covid is my Tinder match.

Someone finally wants to swipe right,

and her name is Corona.

Yeah.

The mask thing is still a thing.

Some are for it, some are not.

Some, you know,
some places it's required,

some places it's optional.

Biggest complaint I have heard
about the mask

is that the mask smells funny.

And I'm here to tell you, no, it doesn't.

You do.

You are smelling what everyone
has been telling you all these years,

and finally you're smoking
what we've been smoking.

Oh, yeah.

I'll be honest with you,
my mask smells delicious.

My mask smells like Oreos
and tres leches cake, okay?

If you smell my mask right now,

you will Krispy Kreme yourself,
it's so good.

I feel like selling it
on the OnlyFans website

to see if I can make some money.

- Some of you know what's up?
- You skank.

This next thing I'm going to say

is in no way, shape or form political.

So, please, don't take it that way.

The vaccine.

Look at some of you, "Oh, here we go."

"Here we go, I knew it was coming."
"I knew it."

"Look at him, he's got 'booster'
written all over him."

I'm not here to tell you
what to do with your bodies,

I'm just here to share a story.

I got vaccinated, okay,
and I'm not saying it to get approval.

I'm just telling you because,

hey, look, I was 85%
of the underlying conditions.

At this point, I'm rolling the dice.

Plus, I wanted to work.

I got the vaccine,
but it was one of those things

where, you know, in the beginning,
when you wanted to get the vaccine,

you couldn't just walk into a CVS.

You had to make an appointment.

You know, and it was a drive-out,
you couldn't just show up.

'Cause I tried.

Oh, I tried using the face.
I'm like, "Eh, hey, eh!"

Apparently this only works at Red Lobster.

Oh, yeah, I could show up at Red Lobster
at eight o'clock on a Saturday, it's on.

"Do you have reservations?"

"It's Fluffy, make biscuits!"

But for the vaccine, no, I made
my appointment like everyone else.

It was a drive-out location, you know.

There's a little speaker box.

"May I help you?"

This is very familiar.

"Yeah, let me have...

a large vaccine."

"Pfizer/Moderna?"
"Uh, I got a coupon."

"Whatever's free."

"Pull up to the window."
Then I pull up to the next window.

And then a guy who's all covered up,
he's got the whole, you know...

Then you give him your arm,
and then they harpoon you.

And they make you park your car

for 10 to 15 minutes
in case you have an allergic reaction.

So I'm sitting in the car and I got
the radio going and the A/C going,

and I glance over and I notice
there's people there protesting.

And that's fine.

Protesting is a right,
and I'm all for it, okay?

My problem is when protesters
leave the sidewalk

and get right in your face.

So here's what happened.

I glance over, I see the protestors,
and I locked eyes with one of them.

And I could do this all day,
I'm in the car.

I'm like, "What?"

The lady who I'm looking at
all of a sudden starts walking towards me.

And I'm like, "Ah, shit."

She gets to my car
and she starts going off on me.

And I have never had a complete stranger
go off on me for no reason at all.

She gets to the car and she's like,

"You are so stupid! You are so stupid!"

"How could you get the vaccine?
How could you get the vaccine?"

"You have no idea what you just
put inside your body, dumb ass."

I didn't know what to say.

I was like, "Bitch, I eat chorizo."

You have no idea what that vaccine
has to work through

in order to have any type
of effect whatsoever.

It's got to go through years' worth
of chorizo, chicharrón, carnitas,

carne asada, freakin' hot dogs,
bologna, Spam, menudo,

caldo de res.

It's gotta go through the gauntlet.

But, yeah, so, on top of that,

you know, we're trying to figure out
this whole thing with Netflix

and doing a new special.

And during the pandemic, 2020 especially,

there was not even a possibility
of assembling a few people,

much less a stadium.

So, Netflix made it clear.

"We need a new special
sooner than later, okay?"

This was right before...
They didn't have Squid Games yet.

You remember...

"Red light!"

Some of you are like, "That's racist."
No, that's accurate, that's really good.

So anyway, Netflix said,
"As soon as there's an opportunity

to record a new special,
we need a special."

So, with time going by,

there became two options
for recording a special in late 2020.

One was Florida and the other was Texas.

Some people from Texas cheering, yeah?

Okay, you can cheer all you want.
That's where I got Covid.

Yeah. Fucking slacker.

So...

So, here's the story.

So, I had done shows before in Texas,

and I had never done
a show in San Antonio,

so the original plan was, we wanted
to record a special in San Antonio

for the new Netflix show,
you know, for the series.

So, we couldn't really travel too much.

And remember they kept telling us,
"Stay in your Covid bubble."

"Don't forget to stay in your bubble,"

so, in order to be as proactive
and just careful,

we all went out there
together as a team, okay,

and then we all basically said,

"We're going to do a residency
in San Antonio for 30 days."

"Thirty shows in 30 days,
and on the last day,

we'll record a new special."

This way gives me a chance
to start performing again

because it had been over a year
since I touched a stage.

And so we get there
and they gave me the option,

"Do you want to stay in a house
or do you want to stay in a hotel?"

And I said,
"Well, I've never lived in Texas before,

so let's see what a house feels like."

So they got us, like, this fancy Airbnb,
and basically, you know,

it was Martin, Alfred, my friend Rick,
myself, it was four of us.

It was like the Mexican version
of The Real World, okay?

So, we're all in this big house together.

Everyone gets their own room,

and so, of course,
I get the big room 'cause it's me.

And... you know.

Look at some of you, "No!"

Yes!

So I open up the door,
I turn on the light... click!

And I'm like, "This is a beautiful room."

"Wow! Look how big it is."

And then I notice
there's a hole in the wall.

I said, "That's weird."

So I get really close to the wall,

and when I got close,
I realized it's not a hole,

it's a big-ass roach.

And let me tell you,
I am not exaggerating

when I tell you that cuca was this big.

That roach was this big.

Now, I have used this unit
of measure before to exaggerate,

and I'm not exaggerating when I tell you
that freakin' cucaracha was this big.

And I don't want you guys thinking,
"You think you're too good for roaches?"

No! I grew up with roaches my whole life.

My mom and I, we lived
in apartment buildings, projects.

We always had roaches,
but they were different.

First of all, they were this big.

And California roaches
are very different, okay?

For example, when you
turn on the light, they scatter.

In Texas, he chilled.

In California, they respond
to sound and movement.

"Haaaa!"

"Scatter!"

I tried my California technique
on this Tejano roach.

I said, "Haaaa!"

And the roach was like, "What?"

Oh, my God, I don't think
he's in my room, I think I'm in his.

And at that moment,
my tour manager walks in the room,

and she's like, "Is everything okay
with the accommodations?"

I said, "No, the room is beautiful,
but, um, look at the wall."

"Aw, there's a hole in the wall!"

I said, "Get closer."

She gets up to the wall and she's like,
"Oh, it's a big-ass roach."

I said, "You're okay with that?"

She said, "He's not in my room."

She can see that I'm visibly bothered
by this roach, so she's like,

"Would you like me to take care
of your little friend for you?"

And it is a little emasculating,

because I'm a big guy
and she's like 5' 2".

So she's like, "Move, fool."

She takes off her shoe,
she grabs it, she gets up on a chair,

and she brings it back and she's like,

♪ Soy la 69 ♪

Bam!

Nailed that roach.

Threw down her shoe, put it on.

I look at the wall,

and it kept moving.

And I said, "You have angered our friend."

And she was defensive.

"Uh-uh, fool, round two!"

So she grabs her shoe,
gets back up on the stool,

and she brings it back,

and just as she's about to nail
this roach for the second time...

that shit started flying.

It was a Harry Potter roach!

Oh, man, look, look, look!

She's ñañaras, man.

So anyway, we were there for 27 days.

And for some reason, on the 27th day,

out of a team of 30 people
that were there to film a special,

I was the only one
that tested positive for Covid-19.

No one else got it.

Not Martin, not Alfred, nobody.

And I told Martin,
"Dude, I don't know where I got it."

And he said,
"I think you got it from the roach."

Anyway, on top of dealing with Covid...

and, by the way, a sincere apology
to the city of San Antonio

because I was supposed to tape
a special with you guys,

and clearly for obvious reasons
we couldn't do it.

But I hope you understand
why I had to do this tonight.

On top of dealing with Covid,
the vaccine situation,

I come to find out someone
was trying to extort money from me.

Yeah, and they weren't even family.

So, suck it.

Watch.

I get a phone call from my manager

telling me that someone reached out

claiming to have video footage of me

being "inappropriate" with models.

Yeah, see? Look at 'em.

You guys are like me.

Yeah, I'm like, "I need to see it too."

Now, no disrespect to any woman

who has ever given me the opportunity.

But none of them were models.

Maybe a couple of cochinas
from West Covina, maybe.

But they were not models.

They were just good citizens.
Thank you.

So, anyway, they said I had until 9 a.m.

to make a deposit
of $50,000 into an account

or they were going to release
the footage to TMZ

and my career was going to be over.

When I got the message,
it was already 6 p.m.

So I had missed the deadline
by half a day.

So I was like, "Let me turn on the TV,
see if I still got a job."

And clearly this is the first time
you guys are hearing about this

because there was no footage.

They were just trying to scare me
into giving them money.

The only reason why
I'm telling you the story is because...

only 50,000?

Like, seriously?
That's what my career is worth?

Don't get me wrong, when I said $50,000,
some of you were like, "Oh!"

And it is a lot of money,

but if you're going to go
after a celebrity,

$50,000 is really low.

Like, to put it into perspective,
they did the same thing to Kevin Hart.

And with Kevin Hart,
they hit him for ten million.

Ten million.

Which lets me know where I stand

on the comedy totem pole of success.

There's Kevin Hart with ten million,

and I am like the Groupon of extortion.

"Where'd you get your extortion?"
"Got that shit at Ross on clearance."

Fifty thousand dollars.

You can't even buy
an Escalade with $50,000.

That is like a Hyundai Sonata
at best, okay?

And that's like a base model.

You still gotta do this shit
to the window, you know?

Fifty thousand dollars?

But... on a more happier note,

I did manage to stay busy
during the pandemic.

I did a movie from my living room.

Yeah. And it wasn't even on Pornhub.

The movie already came out in theaters.

It was called Space Jam,
it's the movie with LeBron.

Los Angeles, you are looking
at the new voice of Speedy Gonzales.

Thank you.

I found it ironic that they hired
the slowest Mexican

to play the fastest, you know?

And two weeks after I get this part,

I come to find out that they're trying
to cancel Speedy Gonzales.

I'm sure some of you heard
that they came after two cartoons.

They came after Pepé Le Pew and Speedy.

Now, Pepé I understand.

He's a little touchy.

You know, but he disguises it
with a "Oh-oh, mon chéri."

"Oh-oh-oh!"

"Mon chéri. Oh-lah-oh-ohhh!"

Yeah.

But Speedy Gonzales, what's his crime?

He's Mexican and he's fast.
That is not a crime.

In Montebello, that's called job security.

So I said, "I cannot let them
hurt Speedy," you know.

"I can't let them cancel him."

So I came to his defense.
Plus, it was my only job.

I went to the only place
I felt I could go to protect him.

I went on Twitter.

And Twitter, ooh,
Twitter's a scary place.

It is.

You only go there to fight,
to get into it, to prove a point,

and so a friend of mine said,
"If you want to get some attention,

use a hashtag," and so I did.

And I wrote a tweet that said,
"Hey #cancelculture."

"My name is Gabriel Iglesias,

and I'm the new voice
of Speedy Gonzales."

"You cannot cancel or catch me."

And I posted it.

I had no idea that when you go on Twitter

looking for problems,

you will find them.

Oh, yeah.

Every major news outlet picked up my tweet

and used it in a story
about cancel culture.

ABC, NBC, CBS, CNN.

If I would have known that,
I would have used spellcheck.

'Cause my family called.

"What, are you stupid?
Spell correctly!"

Oh, my God.

Even Fox News did a story with my tweet.

Fox News.

You know how I know?

My bus driver Dave called me.

Oh, he was thrilled.

He was like, "Fluffy, God damn it,
I've never been prouder."

"You made it, baby.
You're on Fox News."

I said, "Dave, shut up, you're stupid."

He's like, "America."

Even Warner Bros. Pictures
reached out to say thank you,

and before I know it,
I was on a Zoom call.

And I know a lot of us
had to get used to Zoom,

and it's kind of convenient, right?

All they see is this.

So to entertain myself,
every time I took a Zoom call,

I was full Winnie the Pooh.

And if you're not laughing now,
you better ask someone who is,

'cause there is no coming back
from full Winnie the Pooh.

I was leaving baby powder
all over the house.

It looked like an episode of Narcos.

So I get on the Zoom call

with the director, writer
and producer of Space Jam.

And they're being super nice,
super supportive, super cool.

They're like, "Gabriel, thank you so much

for lending your voice talents
to our film."

"We really appreciate you
being part of this."

"If you have any questions
or concerns, let us know."

So, "Thank you."

"We have a question for you."
I said, "Okay."

"How do you feel about
the voice of Speedy Gonzales?"

I said, "Well, what do you mean?"

"Well, you know, some people
find him to be a little stereotypical."

"What are your thoughts?"

I said, "Well, you have not
met my family."

I cannot speak for all brown people,

but I can tell you that me personally
in my house growing up,

Speedy Gonzales was not viewed
in a negative way.

As a matter of fact, he was the only
form of representation we had growing up.

It was him and the little bumblebee
on The Simpsons.

"Gabriel, we were thinking
that perhaps you would like to lend

your real speaking voice
to the character?"

"Maybe modernize him a little,
you know, bring him up to speed."

I said, "Well, you know,
with all due respect,

I appreciate the fact that
you would give me the power

to change the sound
of such an iconic character,

but at the end of the day,
when people see the movie,

I don't want them to think of me,

I want them to think of Speedy Gonzales."

So I said,
"Please keep his voice original."

And then he asked the question,

"Well, do you think you can do the voice?"

How did I get the part?

Now, remember, I never auditioned
for Speedy Gonzales, they just called me.

And I assumed that they knew
that I did voices for a living

and that I could pull this off.

So I says, "What made you choose me

if you didn't know
whether or not I could do the..."

"Oh."

"You needed a big brown shield
in case shit happened, huh?"

And then all three people
on the phone call were like...

I said, "Well, don't worry
'cause with me you get a twofer."

"You get an actual Mexican and you get
someone that can nail the voice."

So... oh, yeah.

That's right.

So, before I know it, this sound person,

the guy who does recordings
over at Warner Bros., gets on the call.

The only thing I know about this guy

is that he's loud, okay?

He gets on the call, he's like,
"Gabriel Iglesias, how are you?"

Wow!

"How's it going?"

"My name's Steven, the sound coordinator
at Warner Bros. Pictures."

"So here's what's gonna happen."

"Basically, I'm gonna hit 'record, '
and as soon as I hit 'record, '

I just need for you to start
talking like Speedy Gonzales."

"We're gonna get the flow,
the tempo, the timing,

and as soon as we got it dialed in,
we're gonna make a movie."

"Sound good?" "Sounds good."

"This is Gabriel Iglesias
for Space Jam: A New Legacy,

Speedy Gonzales, take one."

"Gabriel, mic check, 1, 2, 3."

"1, 2, 3."
"Sounds good, here we go."

"And... go."

All right, here we go.

"Hola, amigos, my name is Speedy Gonzales,
the fastest mouse in all Mexico."

"¡Arriba! ¡Epa, epa, ándale!"

The director, writer and producer,
all three were like...

"That was perfect!"

I said, "I know,
I've been Mexican a long time."

And I said, "And don't just think
that just because I'm Mexican,

I can only play the Mexican character."

I said, "I do voices for a living."

"If given the opportunity,

I could voice
the entire film all by myself."

I could.

Watch.

Marvin the Martian.

"Oh, my, oh, my modulator."

Yosemite Sam.

"I hate that rabbit!"

Bugs Bunny.

"Eh, what's up, Doc?"

I said, "You can fire
all the other voice actors right now."

"I will do the whole movie
for half plus medical insurance."

And it was the middle of 2020,
so I meant that shit.

I'm like, "Yeah, no co-pay, no co-pay."

My favorite part about this was the fact

that they actually
entertained the conversation.

Like, he could have just looked at me
and said, "You're stupid."

And I would have accepted that.
I would have been like, "Okay," you know?

But I guess we're living
in different times

where people are a lot more sensitive
and more mindful,

and so he just wanted to make sure
I was okay, so he's like,

"Gabriel, I am not taking anything away
from your credibility as a voice talent,

as an entertainer, as just an individual,
but my hands are tied."

"Contracts have been signed,
checks have been cut."

"This was a union project,"
and I'm like, "Look at him go!"

The producer is also on this call,

and the producer is the one responsible
for the finance, the money.

So he hears the director
just freakin' goin' down, and he's like,

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on."

"Hear the man out."

"Gabriel."

"Fluffy."

"Baby!"

"Talk to me, puddin'."

"If we can make this happen,
what are we talkin'?"

I said, "What do you mean?"

"Well, what are we talkin'?
What's your rate, what's your fee?"

I said, "Well, word on the street is
I go for no less than 50,000."

"And I do have emails to support that."

They still said no, but whatever.

I know I'm going to have to defend
Speedy Gonzales again at some point,

because unfortunately
that's how cancel culture works.

You know? And don't get me wrong.

I understand that some people
need to be held accountable, but...

And by the way, if I'm the one
telling you about cancel culture,

it's already gone way too far.

Because I pride myself in the fact

that I'm not a comedian who's divisive.

That's why I don't talk about politics,
religion or sports, okay?

Because all three will divide people.

That's why I talk about food.

Because food brings people together.

That's right. Unless you're vegan.

In which case, you can leave right now.
I don't give a shit.

I don't care if I offend you
and your salad, you can leave. Bye.

And the only reason
why I'm so "ugh" on the vegans

is because I once was vegan.

I know, some of you are like, "No!" Yeah.

I was vegan for a little under a year.

Some of you are probably thinking,

"You weren't vegan, then,
if it was less than a year."

But think about it.

Anyone who has ever gone on a diet knows

just how hard it is to change
your eating habits for one week,

much less a year.

And they told me, they said,
"You're going to lose weight."

And they were not lying.

I lost weight, patience and friends.

So I'm just here
to let you know, I'm back.

So...

I almost got canceled.

I almost got canceled

because I posted a tweet
of one of my dogs.

Now, some of you already know
I have two Chihuahuas.

Yeah.

People watching at home are like,
"That's not stereotypical."

Yeah, I know.

I have two Chihuahuas.

I have a little boy dog named Vinnie
and a little girl dog named Risa.

Combined weight, 14 pounds.

My little girl dog Risa, she is 4 pounds,

and she's 17 years old.

Yeah. Her anger keeps her alive.

I will confirm every stereotype
about Chihuahuas.

Oh, yeah, it's real.

The rage is real.

But with me, she loves me, okay?

She's 17, she has no teeth.
Her tongue hangs out.

She's adorable.

So I posted a picture of her on Twitter
with the caption that basically read,

"Going to take my little nugget
to go get some chicken nuggets."

Okay, so, yeah, you feel that?

See how the majority of the room
was like, "That place is good"?

"Sucks they're closed on Sunday."

And then there was a few of you
in here and you heard the groan...

Yeah. Half of those people, vegans.

The other half are the ones
that blew up my Twitter feed.

My Twitter feed started
getting flooded with nasty comments.

"You're stupid, you're horrible.
How could you? We thought more of you."

"Really, Fluffy, you?" And I don't know
what they're talking about.

The problem with cancel culture
is they only attack, they don't educate.

They don't explain.

They just attack,
and they expect you to know better

or understand them,
but they're not willing to play nice.

So here's what happens.

I'm asking questions,
no one wants to answer.

"Fluffy, you're horrible."
I'm like, "What do you mean?"

"Really? Chick-fil-A?"

I'm sorry, Popeyes was closed,
I don't know what to tell you.

"You know what you're doing."
I am more hungry than woke.

I don't know what you mean.

And then finally someone
took the time to explain to me

why I was "wrong" for that tweet.

Come to find out
that Chick-fil-A in the past

has been known to make contributions

to organizations
that are a little out of line

with the LGBTQ+ community.

Now, forgive me for using my hand
to get the letters right.

I just wanna get the letters right.

I do consider myself
a supporter and an ally,

and I'm trying my best
to be as understanding as I can be...

...with the limited information
I have available.

Now, I'm gonna say it again.

I'm trying to be
as understanding as I can be

with the limited information
I have available,

which basically means
I only read headlines.

Here's the thing, you guys.

There are a million struggles
in this world.

Every single day there are people
trying to better their lives,

trying to get to a goal,
trying to achieve something

to get them out of one place
and into something better.

And it's impossible
to keep up with everyone's fight

unless you mess up,
and then someone pulls you aside

and reads you the riot act.

So, here's how the conversation went.

'Cause I finally got one.

They said, "Well, Gabriel,
if you consider yourself a supporter

of the LGBTQ+ community,

moving forward will you still be tagging
Chick-fil-A in future posts?"

I said, um, "Yes, I will,
but it's not because I'm not a supporter."

"I'm definitely a supporter of your cause,

but causes are a two-way street."

"You gotta support mine too."

I said, "I tagged Chick-fil-A
for the same reason

I tag every other company
I use organically."

"I'm trying to get free shit."

Plain and simple, don't look past it.

And I know some of you are like,
"Well, Gabriel, don't you make money?"

Yes, I do, and you know how you keep it?

Free shit.

Yeah, let me tell you how
I discovered this one.

So, I was at a Chipotle one night,
and the staff was incredible.

So I wanted to give them
a little shout-out online.

So I gave them a shout-out
and then I tagged "Chipotle."

Chipotle saw my tweet and then they
reached out to me to say thank you,

and to show their appreciation,
Chipotle mailed me a burrito card,

good for one year's worth
of unlimited Chipotle.

And I tested it.

Oh, they gave it to the wrong person.

After about two weeks,
it looked like a Metro card.

It was all scratched up.

So now, let me tell you guys,
if you were me and you sent out one tweet

that got you fed
for a whole year for free,

wouldn't you be tagging
as many companies as you could

to see who else would want
to donate to the cause?

The only thing I'm guilty of
is ho'ing myself out, that's it.

I was being a little cyber skank,
that's all I was doing.

But again I understand that some people

need to be held accountable
for certain actions.

I just feel like a lot of times
a simple conversation can fix things.

I know that based on today's rules,
I can be canceled right now

for previous comedy specials
that I've done over the years.

And I understand that,
so I'm just waiting for the call.

I know I can be canceled
for previous comedy specials.

And I know they probably
expect me to apologize,

but I would never apologize
for my previous work

because, you know what,
it was perfectly acceptable at the time.

Clearly there are things
I would change now,

but there's no way
to go back and apologize for that

when everything was okay.

I want to let you all know right now that

there are things about me
that you don't know

that you're gonna find out
sooner than later.

So basically what I'm trying to do
at this moment

is do what my lawyer said
and "get ahead of it."

I offended someone whose name
I should have never brought up.

I offended a professional fighter.

His name is Canelo.

I know. Go big or go home.

If you are not familiar
with who Canelo is,

give me a few seconds to explain.

Canelo is arguably one of the best
fighters in the world.

Okay?

You cannot miss him.

He is, in fact, Mexican,

but he does not look traditional.

Canelo is, in fact,
the whitest Mexican on Earth.

He's super white.
He's so white, he's redhead.

Canelo is a redheaded
white Mexican fighter.

He is so white, even Donald Trump
was like, "You can come."

Super white.

But then he opens his mouth
and you realize,

"Oh, Canelo, he's not local."

So here's how I got in trouble.

A comedy friend of mine
by the name of Ron White

reached out to me.

And Ron White invited me to be part

of his tribute to the troops comedy show
for the national network.

And I told Ron, "I'd love to do the show.
Anything for the troops. Let's do this."

So the show taped in Vegas,
and it's a couple of comics plus myself,

and Ron White's the host.

He brings me up onstage, and I figure
I'm only doing ten minutes, okay?

I might as well
just do references to Las Vegas

since everybody knows Vegas,

so I started talking about boxing.

And then I brought up Canelo.

And here's where I got in trouble.

I said, "Canelo
is my favorite fighter of all time."

"I just wish..."

And it was all downhill after that.

I said, "I just wish he would not
do interviews in English,

because English
is not his strong language,

and if you're a professional fight..."

Hear me out.

If you're a professional fighter,
you need to sound confident,

engaged, threatening, aggressive,
on point, in your face.

And in Spanish, he does.

In English, not so much.

In Spanish, he's a killer.

In Spanish, the reporter,
the announcer comes out...

"We're here with Canelo Álvarez,

who'll be fighting
Floyd 'Money' Mayweather

this coming weekend on pay-per-view
at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas, Nevada."

I know some of you heard that
right now and you're like,

"Oh, my God,
I think I understand Spanish."

'Cause you do.

So then the reporter will look
at Canelo and ask him about the fight.

"Canelo, what will be
your fighting approach?"

Canelo takes the microphone.

He's a man of few words,
but he's on point.

He looks at the camera and he's like,

"Look, I'm gonna
punch him like this and like this."

"I'll knock him to the ground and, boom!"

"So don't miss the fight this weekend
at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas, Nevada,

Canelo Álvarez
vs. Floyd 'Money' Mayweather."

"Don't miss out!"

Same exact interview.

English.

"I'm standing here alongside
Mexican superstar

Saúl Canelo Álvarez,

who's going to be facing
Floyd 'Money' Mayweather this weekend

on pay-per-view."

"Canelo, what is your strategy
and your plan of attack

going into this weekend's fight against
such a technical opponent, if you will,

a man who has single-handedly
redefined the sport of boxing?"

"What is your plan of attack
going into the fight?"

"Uh..."

"Well...

I...

am going to

hit him

like this."

"I'm going to hit him like this."

"He going to...

fall

on the..."

"How do you say piso?"

"Floor? He going to fall
to the floor and then...

así."

"All right, well, there you have it."

"Floyd Mayweather,
I hope you are ready, my friend,

because, yeah,
that's what's waiting for you."

"Reporting live for ESPN News,
I'm Phil Stevens."

"Back to you in the studio,
and we're out."

"What the hell was that, God damn it?!"

"Why didn't you warn me?"

So word gets back to Team Canelo
about the joke that I did.

I find out because I have friends
in the boxing community who reached out

to tell me, "Bro, what happened?"

I said, "What are you talking about?"

"Dude, we heard." "Heard what?"

"We heard that Team Canelo's pissed."

I said, "So, what does that
have to do with me?"

"Well, I guess it's about a joke
you did about Canelo?"

"Huh?"

"Who showed him?"

If I would have known
one of the best fighters in the world

was going to see me do a joke about him,
I would have never done a joke about him.

I didn't think he'd ever see

Ron White's tribute to the troops
comedy show

on the national network.

I didn't think he was ever gonna see it.

Shit was in English.

Now I'm worried about the confrontation

because I know it's only a matter of time.

And I know where
he's going to confront me.

It's gonna happen in Vegas.

And the reason why I'm so confident
that it's going to happen there

is because when I perform in Vegas,

I perform for MGM Grand Properties.

And so I get free tickets to the fights.

And I always go 'cause it's free!

And they put me ringside so that my face
comes out on the jumbotron

to help me sell tickets.

So I know 'cause I've seen
Canelo fights before ringside,

I've never spoken to him,
but I know that's where it's gonna happen.

And I'm nervous about this confrontation,

because I didn't know if he's going
to confront me in English or Spanish.

I hope it's in Spanish
'cause I want to feel the fear,

you know what I'm saying?

I hope, you know, he's like,

"I'm going to kill you, fucking fat man!"

I'm just worried he might, you know...

"Hey!"

"Hey, jou."

"Hey, jou, fat bitch mother Fluffy."

"He just called me
'fat bitch mother Fluffy!'"

So, if anything happens to me...

Canelo.

But I guess I should feel
honored at the fact

that someone at his level
would even acknowledge a comedian.

You know, it feels good at least knowing
that he knows who I am, which is nice.

It at least makes me feel relevant.

Because, you know, after 2019,
I wasn't sure what was gonna happen.

Honestly, for me, I thought that 2019

was the best year I ever had in comedy.

And the reason why I say this is because

I was this close to hosting the Oscars.

Yeah.

Pretty sure I got a good chance next year.

The year that I almost got to host,

that was the year that Kevin Hart
was supposed to host.

I don't know if you remember
the story, but basically,

Kevin Hart was supposed
to host the Oscars,

and any time you host,
the background check is next level, okay?

They go through all of your social media,
all the way back to Myspace.

People over 40, you know what's up.

Come to find out that ten years ago,

Kevin Hart had sent out a couple
of tweets that were questionable,

so the academy confronted
Kevin Hart about the tweets.

And they said,
"Kevin, can you please explain?"

And Kevin was like,
"Yes, I said those things."

"I acknowledged them ten years ago
and I apologized ten years ago."

"Can we move forward?"

And the academy was like,
"Well, good, Kevin,

we're glad that you apologized

because they've been brought
to our attention again

and we need for this to go away,

so we need you to apologize."

And Kevin said,
"You can't make me apologize twice

for the same thing ten years apart."

And they said, "Well, you have to,
because if you don't,

you cannot host the Oscars."

And Kevin said,
"Well, thank you, but no, thank you."

And he walked away from the job.

I would have done
the same thing in his position.

Because by him apologizing,
he gives more power to cancel culture,

and we can't give them more,
we gotta take it back.

So...

now...

So, now the academy
was left with a problem...

trying to find a suitable replacement
for Kevin Hart,

which is not an easy thing to do.

So they reached out to a bunch of actors
to see if there was interest,

and everyone said the same thing:

"Thank you, but no, thank you."

"We want no part
of that Kevin Hart drama."

No one wanted the job.

Me, on the other hand...

Oh, I recognize a job opening
when I see one.

So I had my manager call the academy,
and the academy was thrilled

to hear from anyone.

They were like, "Gabriel Iglesias,
yes, we know who he is."

"He's very funny, very witty."

"We think he would make
a good host for the Oscars."

"Please have him submit
some comedy material

so we can see what the vibe
of the night would be,

and based on the material,
we'll make our choice."

So, that's what I did.

I sat down one night,
got a pen, piece of paper,

wrote out a bunch of jokes,

and I turned them into the Oscars.

And I think that's why they said no.

It never made it to TV.

So tonight...

Tonight, I would like to do
the opening joke

that I was going to do for the Oscars.

And then you can decide what the vibe
of the night would have been.

All right. Let me do the voice.

"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,
and welcome to the Academy Awards."

"Here's tonight's host,

comedian-funnyman Gabriel Iglesias."

"Thank you very much,
ladies and gentlemen."

"Thank you, it is an honor."

"Thank you. Thank you."

"It is an honor to be here tonight
hosting the Oscars."

"In keeping with tradition,

here is another Mexican
doing a job nobody else wanted."

And they passed.

They passed.

Yeah. You know, and then getting
back into the swing of things,

we have definitely come
a long way from 2020.

The fact that we're in
a sold-out stadium, elbow to elbow,

ready to laugh.

Have fun.

We've come a long way.

You know? 2020, you guys,
I gotta just thank my dogs.

I gotta thank my dogs 'cause my dogs
kept me sane, they kept me happy,

they kept me focused.

'Cause I was so depressed, I was sad,
I didn't know what to make of things.

Do we have any dog owners?

Yeah?

See, dog owners, you know what's up.

No other animal in the world
will give you 100% like a dog.

What? Cat? No.

I'm sorry,
no disrespect to cats or cat owners,

but cat owners,
you know as well as I do, your cats...

'cause I know you got more than one...

your cats look at you
like you live in their house.

You walk in,
you try to scold them for something...

Then when you try to talk to them,
they turn their back

and show you their butthole.

You're staring like,
"Oh, my God, it's so dark!"

Only a dog will give you 100% of itself.

That's why they get so sad
when they know you're about to leave

and why they get so happy
when you come home.

You are literally everything
they've been looking forward to.

"And now you're back!"

I know for a fact nothing on this planet
loves me more than my dogs.

I said this last night, and someone said,
"What about your son?"

I said, "Nothing

loves me more."

I could leave my dressing room
for one minute or for one hour.

When I come back,
the reaction is the same.

It is the greatest moment ever,
every single time.

Oh, yeah, my dog Vinnie
will jump off the couch

and run towards me top speed,
and then when he gets to me,

he jumps up and down,
and he makes a sound like...

You can almost hear, "Where were you?
Where were you? Where were you?"

And he pees everywhere.

I used to get upset that he would do that,
but then I thought about it.

My dog loves me so much, he cannot
control his own bodily functions.

That's why, when I would go home, I would
immediately pick him up before anything.

And then my girlfriend would get mad.

"How come you don't come to me first?"

I said, "Because the dog loves me more."

"How do you know I don't love you more?"

I said, "I don't see a puddle."

Mira. Dry.

Yeah, she didn't like that. Sorry.

But, yeah, these dogs, man.
Let me tell you.

And I apologize if I'm kind of stuttering

or I'm not as focused right now.

I have never been distracted

by a blimp with my face on it.

I'm sorry, Netflix, but, shit, this...

This is like a birthday
and Christmas and the Super Bowl

and the World Series

and losing my virginity
all at the same time.

Oh!

♪ Even saw the lights
Of the Goodyear Blimp ♪

I'm sorry, you guys, I'm just so
goddamn happy right now, thank you.

I wish my mom were here to see this.

You have no idea.

She would have been happy
to see all of you,

but she would have been like,
"Fuck off."

"Look, what... my son is in heaven,
he's with Jesus in the sky, you see?"

That is amazing.

Some of you guys okay?
I heard a cough over there.

You all right?

Don't cough, they just let us come back.

I would rather you fart than cough.

If you feel another one
of those coming, just hold your face,

convert the energy,
and blow it out the back, all right?

And I know the people behind you
are like, "Don't do that!"

You let it rip, and if the people
behind you can't smell it,

then they got Covid.

Okay, that's a free home test.

Anyway...

So during 2020,

my dogs and I,
the most normal thing we could do

was just take a drive, okay?

Drives, you could just get in the car.

Nothing was open,
but you could take a drive,

and so we get in the car.

I put on this playlist and just drive.

Eventually, we went out looking for food.

And I know that sounds crazy
to say it that way, but remember,

85% of the underlying conditions.

I never once set foot in a market
because I was afraid.

All of my food came from friends
and street vendors.

Yeah.

Yes, I support street vendors
in case anyone's wondering.

'Cause no matter what,
they're working their asses off, again,

trying to make a better life
for themselves and for their families.

After leaving a taco stand one night,

I realized that a lot of people needed
to step out of their comfort zones

in order to find alternative ways
of making ends meet.

I made the mistake one night
of assuming the guy working the stand

was Mexican.

He wasn't.

I even spoke Spanish to him,
which is a no-no.

The rule is, when engaging a brown person,

you must speak English to them first,
and then if there's a language barrier,

then you go to plan B
high-school Spanish.

You start off in English.
"Hello, sir, may I..."

"I don't understand."
"Oh, hold on, I got this."

"Hola."

"Yo me..."

So I walked up to this guy
at the stand and I was like,

you know, he reminded me of a tío,
so I was like...

Which is like,
"Hello, friend, how are you?"

And he responded,

"What are you saying to me?"

"I'm sorry, sir,
I thought you were Mexican."

"No, no, I am not Mexican. I am Greek."

Greek?

Shit, I was way off.

"I'm sorry, brah, it's late, I'm tired.
Can I have two tacos?"

"What you mean, 'Can I have two tacos?'"

"I just finish tell you,
I am not Mexican, I am Greek."

"I do not sell taco."

"I sell yee-roh."

"Yee-roh?"

And then I remember seeing
writing on the front of the car,

and I just thought it was the guy's name
or something, right?

I'm like, it spells it out: G-Y-R-O.

"Gyro!"

He got all pissy.

"It is not a gyro, it's a yee-roh."

"That shit says 'gyro.'"

"It is yee-roh!"

"Bro, I'm tired, it's late."

"What is a 'yee-roh'"?

"It's like a taco."

"Gimme two."

Eventually businesses
started opening their doors

and allowing us to go back inside,
and I'll tell you guys right now,

my big, guilty pleasure
is Starbucks, okay?

That's my guilty pleasure,
I'm all about a Starbucks drive-thru.

But the difference is,

when you have the option
of going inside versus drive-thru,

that's one thing,

but when they tell you
you can't go inside anymore

and then they tell you you can,

you kind of miss it.

Like me, I couldn't wait to go back inside
when they said the doors are opening up.

I couldn't wait to go in
and order from a counter

and talk to a person and look at a menu.

I didn't mind.

I showed up early.

Got my dogs with me, I didn't care.

We walk into Starbucks.

And I know they did this
over in Long Beach.

I'm not sure if they did this here,
but they put stickers on the floor.

And so there I am standing
on this freakin' sticker.

I got my dogs, just chillin'.

Standing there
looking like a third grader.

We're just chillin', waitin'.

And some lady behind me
notices that I'm holding two dogs.

She clearly had an issue with the fact
that I was holding two dogs,

and instead of saying, "Pardon me,
excuse me, hey there, hi, hola,"

she does the whole...

I'm hearing this and I'm like,
"Shit! Covid!"

"I don't see any stickers!"

"I'm off the grid!"

And she was like, "I do not have Covid."

"Are those service dogs?"

"They're Chihuahuas."

"And these, in particular, are
the complete opposite of service dogs."

"Well, are they supposed to be inside?"

I say, "You know, I didn't ask."

"I didn't want to leave them in the car."

"I'm not staying,
I'm going to order my drinks and leave."

"I'm not even going
to put them down. I'm sorry."

And she's like,
"Well, are they at least legal?"

You're gonna ask a Mexican
if his dogs are legal?

Fortunately... "Next in line."

"Thank God."

So I get to the front,
and now I'm worried,

because the lady has me thinking
in the back of my head

that I'm doing something bad,

that I'm about to get
scolded or kicked out.

So I'm trying not to make
eye contact with the guy.

So I'm just looking at the menu,
and I hear him, "Dogs."

"Hi, bro, sorry about that.
Sorry, sorry, I know."

"They're adorable!"

"What are their names?"

"Oh! Well, this is Vinnie, this is Risa."

"They're so cute." "Thank you."

Then here comes another barista,
and she's like, "I see dogs!"

"I'm sorry."

"They're adorable."

"What are their names?"

I was like, "Oh, well,
this is Vinnie, this is Risa."

"They're too cute." "Thank you."

So I placed my order,
and then the girl barista, she goes...

"Yes?"

"You know, I gotta tell you something
about your dogs, right?"

"I know, I'm sorry, I just didn't
want to leave them in the car."

"What are the little ones gonna have?"

"Well...

as much as I would love to share
my coffee with my dogs,

I don't think caffeine
and Chihuahuas mix."

"No, silly."

"Maybe your little puppies
would like a Puppucci..."

Okay, you see that shit?

Now you're vocal.

When I talked about stickers,
"We don't know nothin' about stickers,

pero un pinche Puppuccino,
all freakin' day," right?

Sorry. Anyway...

When she said "Puppuccino,"
I was like, "What kind of a drink is it?"

I'm looking at the menu like,
"I don't see that shit anywhere."

"No, silly, a Puppuccino
is just a little cup,

and we put whipped cream in the cup."

"This way, you can enjoy your beverage

and your little ones can enjoy
something with you."

I said, "Oh, my God."

"I love this."

"How much are they?"

"Oh, they're free."

"Tell me more."

"You have two little puppies
so you get two free Puppuccinos."

"Oh, my God, can I have a third one?"

"Oh, is there another
little puppy we're missing?"

This one.

I was so excited, I told her,
"Do you understand

how happy you just made me
with this whole Puppuccino thing?"

"Oh, yeah."

"They let it be known that
if anyone ever shows up with a dog,

always offer them
a Puppuccino on the house."

"So, it's cool that I walked in
with my dogs?"

"Oh, yeah, they're welcome any time."

I'll just tell you guys right now,
I am very petty.

I am so petty, I was like,

"Can you say that louder?"

"Your puppies are welcome any time!"

I'm not gonna lie,
I felt a little bit like Canelo.

I did, I couldn't help it.

I turned around, I was like,
"Eh, you hear that, bitch mother?"

"I was there the night Fluffy got fired."

Like I said, no matter what you say or do,

someone's gonna find a way
to twist things and make it bad.

I've already gotten an email
over the fact that I did that joke about...

that nothing on this planet loves me
more than my dogs, versus my son.

Someone already reached out, like,
"How devastating for your son."

I'm like, he knows!

I love him very much.

My son is going on 25 years now.

He's 24 years old.

Frankie is 24 years old.

Thank you for clapping,
he's still at the house.

I did an interview recently

and someone was asking me
questions about my son.

They said, "You know, Gabriel,
you've always mentioned your son

in your specials."

"Can we look forward
to a new story coming out?"

And I said, "Not really
a new story so much as..."

'Cause my son is doing his own thing now.

He's doing his own thing,
he's got his own life, and that's awesome.

I do however still have stories
from the past that I never told,

and he goes, "Well, do tell."

I said, "Okay, my favorite story
is actually probably the first one."

"In 2007, when I first got him..."

Some of you know
he's technically my stepson,

but I've never liked saying "stepson."

He is my son, yeah.

He is my son or my aftermarket child.

No gray area.

Anyway, it's 2007, and for some reason,
I'm home on Halloween.

Now, here's the thing.

As a comedian, I have signed up
to perform 365 days a year.

There is no sacred day for me.

I work on Christmas day.

I work on New Year's Eve,
Valentine's Day, St. Patrick's Day,

birthdays, holidays,
special occasions, no matter what.

My mom told me,
"If you have a job, you have to work."

You gotta work,
especially if you got a good job.

You don't want no one to take it,

so if you're going to go for it,
give it everything.

So the fact that I'm not
working on Halloween is super rare.

And so my son's mom is like...

She's like, "I think this is so cool
that you're home today."

"You know,
since this is Frankie's first year

where it's just the three of us,
how about this?"

"How about tonight
you take him trick-or-treating

and I'll stay home and give out candy?"

"This way, it will give the two of you
the opportunity to get to know each other,

have some conversations,
have some laughs."

"What do you think?"

I said, "Baby, you know what,
that's a great idea."

"I love it, I love it."

"Okay, I'm on it. Frankie!
Come on, we're going trick-or-treating."

"What about my mom?"

"She's gonna stay home." "Yay!"

So we get in the car.

And I take Frankie to "that neighborhood."

You know what I'm saying.

That neighborhood
that gives out the Costco candies.

Yeah. So we park the car
and we start going up the street.

And I'm not wearing a costume,
I'm there for him.

So he's dressed up for Halloween,
I'm just me.

So some of the doors we knocked on,
the people freaked out.

One guy was like...

"The Fluffy!"

I was like, "Oh, my God, I've never
been referred to as 'The Fluffy.'"

I didn't know what to say. "It is I."

One door we knocked on,
they opened the door,

they were like,
"Oh, my God, you're famous!"

I was like...

We go all the way up, cross the street,
come all the way back.

By the time we get to the car,
the bucket is overflowing with candy.

Okay? So we get back to the house,
and it hasn't even been an hour.

We walk in, and Frankie's mom is pissed.

She's like, "What the hell is this?"

I go, "What?"

"I thought I told you
to take him trick-or-treating."

I go, "I did. Like, show the score."

"The whole point of you taking him
trick-or-treating wasn't to get candy."

"The hell you say."

"What was the point?"

"The point was for the two of you
to spend time together, have some laughs,

have some conversations,
get to know one another."

"You're not going to do that in an hour."

"Can you please, for me,
take him out one more time

for at least an hour?"

"Baby, I get it,
don't even worry about it, I got it."

So I said, "Frankie, come on.
Dump out your bucket. Round two."

So we go outside, we get in the car...

I don't want to go door-to-door again,
so I say, "I got an idea."

I take Frankie to Walmart.

We get to Walmart, and Frankie goes,
"What are we doing here?"

"I got it, watch."

We walk in, I said, "Grab a cart."

"Follow me."

And I lead Frankie all the way
to the candy section.

As soon as we get
to the candy section, I stop the cart.

And I got in Frankie's face and I said,

"Frankie, you have exactly 30 seconds
to grab as much candy as you can."

"Ready? Go!"

And he froze.

I said, "Dude, clock's ticking, move."

"Oh, my God!"

So he grabs a bag, looks at it,
throws it in the cart.

Grabs a second bag,
looks at it, throws it in the cart.

Grabs a third bag, and on the third bag...

"Time!"

And it was the first time
I heard him go, "Shit!"

'Cause he knew he wasted
that golden opportunity,

those first few seconds.

So we get to the car,
I rip open the three bags,

I dump them out in his bucket,
and I tell him, "Look, Frankie,

when we get home,

you cannot tell your mom
that we went to Walmart."

"Why not?"

"Because she's gonna say
that we cheated trick-or-treating."

"But it's better." "I know it's better."

So we get home,
and of course now it's a different tone.

She's like, "There you are.
Did you guys have a good time?"

"We had a great time, baby.
We had a good time, huh, Frankie?"

"That's good.
Frankie, give me your candy."

"Why, Mom?"

"Because I need to go through your candy
to make sure it's safe for you to eat."

"Why wouldn't it be safe?
It all came from..."

"Shut up, you idiot! Shut up.
Shut up, you son of a bitch. Shut up."

He almost took down the empire,
know what I'm saying?

So he hands over the bucket
and she grabs it

and immediately dumps it out
on the table right in front of us.

She notices, you know.

"There's a lot of the same candy
right here."

"A lot of the same candy."

"Can you explain why there's so much
of the same candy in Frankie's bucket?"

"I don't know what to tell you, baby,

there's a lot of basic bitches
in this neighborhood."

"We can't go back to that other
neighborhood because they got cameras

and they're gonna know us
and we don't want to be 'that person.'"

So fast forward one year.

It is now October 31st, 2008.

And for some reason,
I'm not booked on Halloween again.

And so my girl's like,
she swears up and down.

"Oh, it's a sign, it's a sign."

I'm like, "It's a sign
my agent is slacking."

Shout-out, Matt, I know you're here.
Sorry about that joke.

You're doing a great job,
thank you for this one,

but that year you dropped the ball, so...

But anyway...

And so Frankie's mom is like,
"I think that, you know what?"

"Maybe, just maybe,
we can make this like a tradition."

"This could be you guys' thing:

the two of you go out trick-or-treating

and then I'll stay home
and give out candy."

"This could be your thing."

I go, "You know what, baby,
sounds good to me."

"Frankie, come on,
we're going trick-or-treating."

"What about my mom?"
"She's gonna stay home again."

"Yay!"

So we get outside, we get in the car.

I lean over and I look at Frankie
and I said,

"Frankie, are you thinking
what I'm thinking?"

"Walmart!"

We pull up to Walmart.

We walked in, I said,
"Frankie, grab a cart."

"Follow me!"

And I lead him all the way
to the candy section.

As soon as we get to the candy section,
I stop the cart and I get in his face.

I said, "Frankie,
you have exactly 30 seconds

to grab as much candy as you can."

"Ready? Go!"

Apparently, this motherfucker
was training all year for this.

As soon as I said "Go!" his arm, bam,
and he starts gutting the shelf.

He's ripping bags of candy into the cart.

He overflowed the shopping cart
in ten seconds.

I firmly believe
that's the first day of my diabetes.

And that's a story that
I've been sharing, you know, at parties

and just close friends, and I just
recently started telling it onstage.

And he overheard me one time
saying the story,

and he's like, "Really? Still?"

I'm like, "It's a good story!"

"You're the hero!"

And, you know, some things transpire.

And, uh, one day he wanted
to have a conversation with me,

and he caught me off guard.

He's like, "Can I talk to you, Dad?"

"Yeah, what's up?"

"I have something I want to tell you."

"Okay, what's up?"

"It's important."

"Okay."

"It's serious."

"Can you please sit down?"

"How far along is she?"

"What are you talking about?"
"What are you talking about?"

"Don't be scaring me, dude."

"It's about us." "Okay."

"What's up?"

He tells me...

"Can you please stop making fun of me?"

And when he said it, I felt it,

because I knew how hard it was
for him to bring that up.

And I said,
"How long have you felt this way?"

"My whole life."

"Have you ever tried
to bring this up in the past?"

"Yeah."

"What did I say?"

"You told me to put on deodorant."

"It worked."

"Look, Frankie, um...

I didn't know how to be a dad, okay?"

"It was one of those things where there
were certain things I didn't want to do."

"I knew that I never
wanted to yell at you,

and I knew for a fact
that I never wanted to hit you."

"So I did the best thing I could do
with what I knew how to do."

"I made fun of you!"

"That's called shaming."

"This year."

"Look, if you don't want me
to do any more stories or jokes

or just make fun, I understand."

It's one of those things where
I didn't want to make him feel bad,

and I don't want to feel bad,
you know what I mean?

So I said, "Look, I'm going
to let the audience know that we spoke."

"And... so that they understand
why, moving forward,

in the future, there will be
no more stories about Frankie."

"Why is that important?"

"Because if I don't explain
why I stopped talking about you,

they're gonna think you died."

"I don't want... ""I don't want them
to think you died either."

Gave him a big hug,
reminded him how much I love him,

'cause I love him very much,
and I hope he knows that.

I think that a lot of the issues
and frustrations we've had for a while now

have a lot to do with the fact
that I am no longer with his mom.

I don't want you guys to think that
I'm going to start doing jokes about her.

I'm not.

I have absolutely nothing bad
to say about the woman I was with

for almost 14 years.

Okay? Nothing bad, nothing negative,
nothing derogatory, nothing...

nothing short of awesome.

Nothing short of good vibes, okay?

I have nothing bad to say about her.

And not just because I signed
a piece of paper

that said I wouldn't say anything bad.

But because, at the end of the day,
that is still my son's mom

and I need to make sure
she continues to support me

being his dad.

So you got to keep it cool.

I will tell you, though, that I did not
handle the breakup well.

She was, in fact,
the first breakup, like real...

She was my first true love.

I'll just say it,
she was my first true love.

And I did not handle it well.

You're supposed to have
your heart broken when you're, like, 12.

When you have your first crush.

That's when you're supposed to have
your first heartache, not in your forties.

It's supposed to be when you're young,
you're little, you're resilient.

You realize it's not going to work out,
so you're devastated.

"No!"

♪ And I... ♪

Yeah.

Not when you're in your forties.

So, without divulging
too much information,

let me just tell you that,
when everything was finalized,

I was at the gas station
and I got a text message

basically saying,
"Everything's been signed."

"It's official, it's turned in."

And I'm like, "Oh, wow, okay."

I get in the car, I start the car,
and then I put it in drive.

And that's when it hit.

That's when it became real.

That's when it was like, "Oh, my God."

"I can no longer go home."

That's no longer an option.
I have messed things up.

I can no longer go back
to what I called home.

I have to restart my life right then
and there at the gas station.

And I had a full-blown meltdown.

And some of you know that
my tour came to an end a while back

and people were wondering,
is it drugs, is it alcohol,

is it mental health?

I was going through my first breakup.

How was I supposed to be
an effective comedian

when I couldn't stop crying?

You know what I mean? It was bad.

And you guys have heard the shows before,
you know I never bring this up.

It was the lowest point of my life.

I had never felt so sad, weak,
vulnerable, depressed, lonely,

everything all rolled into one.

And it was at the lowest point
of my life that I found...

That's right, country music.

Country music knows when you're sad.
Country music knows when you're weak.

Country music knows when you're vulnerable
and you need something to fill the void.

I used to fight off country music.

I used to look country music
in the face and tell country,

"You can take your achy-breaky heart,
you keep on movin'."

But not today.
Let me tell you what's going on.

I'm in the car and I'm crying so much,
my tears are rolling down my cheek

and they're blending with my snot.

They're blending with my mocos.

My tears are blending with my mocos,

and then blending
with my babas, with my drool.

I have three different fluids
coming out of my face

at the same time.

My neck looked like menudo.
It was bad.

All I needed was a pinch of limón
and say, "That's it, right there."

I am making ugly sounds,
and I don't want to hear myself,

so I turn on the stereo,
and I started hitting buttons.

And it lands on the country station.

And I knew immediately that it was
country music I was listening to,

and I did not try to change the station,

because I figured, you know what?

I deserve to suffer more

for the mistakes I made
and the people I hurt.

So I let it play.

And play and play and play.

I listened to country music
for over an hour

and I came to this conclusion:

country music has at least one song
that will speak to your heart directly

because you feel like the artist
wrote the song

specifically about you and your life,

because of how detailed the songs are.

Oh, yeah, my hat's off
to country music singers and artists.

You guys, you know how to do
something very well,

and it's not till you experience a certain
time of your life that it makes sense.

I'm in that car bawling
and all of the sudden on the radio,

I hear this...

♪ It's been seven days ♪

♪ Since you seen her ♪

How does he know it's been
seven days since I've seen her?

♪ You just can't
Get her off your mind ♪

♪ 'Cause every little thing
That you do or say ♪

♪ Is another reason
You pushed her away ♪

♪ And now you're sittin' in your car ♪

♪ All alone ♪

Waaaa!

How does he know?

Make it stop!

And it doesn't stop,
it keeps kicking you on the ground,

reminding you
what a piece of crap you are.

♪ You should have gone home
And locked the door ♪

♪ But you was outside being a whore ♪

♪ And now you're sittin' in your car ♪

♪ All alone ♪

So moving forward,
it's been over a year now,

and the same question has been asked
over and over again:

"So, what now?"

"Are you gonna start over,
you gonna get back up on that horse,

you gonna get a girlfriend,
you gonna get a wife,

start a new family,
what are you gonna do?"

And I'm like, "I got dogs."

"I'm good right now."

I know what it's like
to be single for a long time,

and I know what it's like to be
in a relationship for a long time.

And there's pros and cons to both.

I can only speak for the guys on this one.

Some guys.

Guys, you ever been single so long,
you start to question

whether or not it's by choice?

And then you find yourself
saying things like,

"Guess I'll be single forever,
you know, just nobody wants me."

♪ Nobody wants me, nobody wants me ♪

Some of you are laughing
'cause you have that friend.

A lot of you are quiet,
'cause that's you right now.

And then you notice
how sometimes all it takes

are just a couple of minor changes,

a couple of minor adjustments
to get back in the game.

Like, maybe you start
cutting your hair different.

Maybe you start dressing better.

Maybe you start, I don't know,
showering and shit.

Someone takes notice
and decides to give you a chance,

and now you're back in the game.

And there's no greater feeling
in the world

than that of being
in a brand-new relationship

'cause you're just so happy.

You're so happy, you're the most
optimistic person in the world.

Nothing can mess your day up
when it's brand-new.

You can miss your bus on the way to work.

"There'll be another."

You could get fired.

"Guess it wasn't meant to be."

You are so freaking happy.

And then you start to reflect
on your life before the relationship,

and you remember
how you would look at your phone

and it would never ring.

You thought it was broken
because there's no text messages.

You look at your DMs, nothing.

But the minute you get
into a brand-new relationship,

like magic, your phone...

Text message. Ding!

Your social media,
now you got numbers in there.

People in the street are talking to you,
and then you say this out loud.

"Where were all these people at
when I was single?"

Answer: they were there the whole time.

The difference is,
you were not this happy.

I found out that happiness

is one of the most attractive things
in the world.

Who doesn't want to be
around someone who's positive?

You know? Unless you got Covid.
Never mind.

Nice, pleasant. A joy to be around.

Good energy.

You know who really notices
just how happy you are, guys,

when it's that brand-new relationship?

Other women.

Not your woman.

Other women.

They can't help but notice
how happy you are.

They stare at you and they point.

"Look at him."

"Look how happy he is."

"I bet I can change that."

Guys, you are now blood in the water,
and the sharks are out.

And if you've never been hunted before,

it is one of the scariest things
in the world.

'Cause usually you don't know
you're being hunted until it's too late.

You're over there minding your business,
you're in your relationship,

you're trying to make it work,
and here they come.

Before you know it, it's too late,
she's got ahold of you

and she has you pinned down
in the back seat of a car.

And she's hitting you.

She's hitting you with a...

♪ Baby shark, do-do-do-do-do-do ♪

♪ Baby shark, do-do-do-do-do-do ♪

♪ Baby shark, do-do-do-do-do-do ♪

♪ Baby shark ♪

You will never look at that song
the same way again, you're welcome.

'Cause I'm a giver.

I know.

They're flashing. Okay, so, um...

Netflix is letting me know...

...that my one-hour special

has gone over by 37 minutes
and 30 seconds.

Um...

Keep it going!

Should I keep going?

Should I keep going?!

Netflix.

The people have spoken.

For legal reasons,

I must say this out loud.

I have officially fulfilled
my contractual obligation

with the good people of Los Angeles

and Netflix.

The show is technically over.

From this moment forward,

anything you hear, if you don't like it
or you don't think it's funny,

you can't get mad.

You can't get mad.

'Cause you didn't pay for it.

The show is now over.
This is now a Fluffy hangout.

Fuck off.

Thank you.

I'm gonna keep going,
but is it cool if I grab a soda?

Okay.

Because, wow, look.

Sorry.

That's why I said
the show is officially over.

All right.

To the city of Los Angeles
and all surrounding counties

and everyone who's here tonight,

salud!

I have a little bit more
I'd like to share with you

before I completely
start breaking down again.

Earlier tonight, I made a comment

about how there's some things about me

that you don't know yet
that are coming down the pike.

And...

Love you!

This next thing... I love you too,
maybe not after this story.

Don't forget me.

The story that I'd like to share right now
happened a long time ago,

but based on today's rules,
that's what's concerning me.

I'm gonna share this story
in a different way.

I'm gonna tell you the ending first
and then tell you how it happened.

Like Star Wars.

At least by me giving you
the ending first,

it allows the people
that brought children to make a choice.

That's why... see, you're already leaving.
I see how it is.

I'm sorry. Can't hang, huh? Okay.

Here's the end of the story.

When I walked offstage,

I was completely naked.

Here we go.

So 15 years ago plus,

I was doing a show with my friend Martin.

- Martin!
- That's right.

Come on!

We were doing a show together
in Orlando, Florida,

at a comedy club called The Improv.

Now, The Improv is a comedy club chain
that's all across the country.

There's a couple here in Los Angeles,
so it's an awesome chain.

The difference between this comedy club
and any other clubs in the country

is that the dressing room
for the comics is actually on the stage.

Not only is it on the stage,
it's on the second floor.

So there's a door that opens up
and stairs that lead down to center stage.

So Martin is hosting and he introduces me.

"Gabriel Iglesias!"

And then here comes my big Cinderella ass
come down the stairs, right?

He hands me the microphone,
gives me a hug,

and then he whispers in my ear.

"Bro, order a shot of tequila,
I'll explain later."

"Okay."

I start the show and, shoot,
30 minutes go by.

And...

I have completely forgotten
about Martin's request.

So out of the corner of my eye,
I start seeing movement, and I turn,

and it's Martin, and he's like this.

And I'm like, "Oh, shoot, I forgot."

"I sure could go for a shot
of tequila right about now."

And here comes Martin
walking with the tray.

And the tray has two shots on it.

So I'm thinking, he must want to do
a toast to the audience, right?

Who knows? It's a Tuesday.

He comes down to the front row,

and I guess during his performance,
he was eyeballing some girl in the front.

And he wanted me, his friend,
to set up this magical moment

for him to do a tequila shot with her
so he could impress her

so he could, you know...

Martin!

Baby Shark!

So I look at the girl like, "I think
my friend wants to do a shot with you."

And she was excited, she was happy,
she's like, "Okay!"

Martin hears "okay" and he doubled down.

He's like, "Let's do body shots!"

And she stands up, "Okay!"

And the whole crowd is like, "Whoo!"

And I'm like, "What the hell?!"

Martin grabs a lime off the tray
and then he rubs it on his neck.

And then he takes salt
and sprinkles salt.

And then she snatches the lime
away from him

and rubs it all over her chest

'cause she's a whore.

Next thing you know,
they're making out in the front row,

and the whole crowd's going crazy.

"Martin! Martin! Martin!"

And they walked away together,
and I'm like, what the hell?

I didn't even get my shot!

A couple of minutes go by,
and here comes a guy,

and he walks up to the stage
and he's holding a shot glass,

and he goes,
"Hey, Fluffy, you can have mine!"

And he gave me his personal drink.

So I said, "Thank you, bro,
I appreciate that."

So I held it up and I said, "To Orlando!"

And everyone cheered, right?

And then I slammed the shot,
and then everyone cheered,

and then I gave him back the glass,
gave him a fist bump, and he walked away.

A couple of more minutes go by,
here comes another guy.

And this guy's holding a glass.

Not a shot glass, a glass glass.

And he gets to the front
and he holds it up and he goes,

"Hey, Fluffy, take mine!"

And I grab the glass,
and it's full of black stuff.

I said, "What is that?"

And he said, "That is Jäger."

"Excuse me?"

"Jäger!"

And it freaked me out because
he would not close his mouth.

"Jäger!"

I smelled the drink, it smelled sweet,
I said, "Oh, this is gonna be good."

So I held it up and I said,

"To Orlando!"

And everyone cheered, and then
I slammed this double shot of Jäger.

Oh, my God, it tasted like
expired NyQuil.

It was so bad.

The guy looks at me, he goes,
"What do you think?"

I didn't want to be rude.

He gave me his personal drink,
so I sucked it up, I'm like,

"It was good, it went down
the wrong way, I'm sorry."

"It's for soothing a cough,
for a cough!"

I give him back the glass,
he takes the glass,

and then he does this,
he holds it up, and then he goes...

And he licked the entire rim.

I have seen enough episodes
of Law & Order: SVU to know

that if he commits a crime, I was there.

I'm like, "Dude,
what are you doing with the glass?"

He will not explain why he did that,
he's just laughing at me.

So I'm just following him
and questioning him.

He won't tell me.

I'm not paying attention.

I don't realize
that a small line has formed

on the other side of the stage

of people holding shots of Jäger.

The problem that I have
is that I'm a drinker.

Clearly.

And I have a rule.

If I'm at a bar and I'm sitting
at the bar, I'm in a drinking environment,

if someone sends me a shot,
I don't say no.

I say, "Thank you," I accept the shot,
and I tell the bartender, "Who sent it?"

so that I can lock eyes
with that person and go, "Thank you,"

and they can see me drink the shot
so they know it didn't go to waste.

If someone sends me a shot,
I take that as a compliment.

I think it's an awesome thing
if someone sends you a drink,

so when I send someone a drink,
I mean good intentions with that drink.

And if that person is, like, at the bar,
and they're like, "Ugh, no,"

I'd take offense to that.

I'm like, "Ugh, dick."

I don't want to make
someone feel that way,

so I know,
if I'm in a drinking environment,

I don't say no.

I have already established the fact

that this is a drinking environment.

I've already done two rounds.

And so I see what's going on,

and I'm looking for help
because that's a lot.

So I look for security,
and I'm like, "Security!"

And security sees, and security
was so clueless that night.

They're like, "Want me to help you drink?"
"No, stupid!"

Martin is gone somewhere,
security's clueless,

so I'm stuck on my own.

So I walk over and I start drinking.

I grabbed the first shot,
and I held it up and I said, "To Orlando!"

Boom!

Second one, "To Orlando!"

Boom!

Third one, "To Orlando!" Boom!

After about eight shots, I was like,

"To Nanando!"

Boom!

After about 12 shots,
I was like, "To Armando!"

Boom!

I did 17 shots of Jäger.

At this point, people are no longer
watching my show

for the sake of stand-up comedy,

they're watching a train wreck
and they don't want to leave

'cause they want to see
what's going to happen.

I am now reaching for number 18.

And as I'm reaching for it,

someone in the back
of the room yells out, "Take it off!"

And I was like, "You take it off!"

And then her boyfriend stands up.

"Hey! She'll take off
whatever you take off."

And all of the sudden, we had a party.

That girl came up onstage

and she was beautiful.

According to Jäger.

She's standing on the stage next to me,
but at this point I'm so gone,

I can barely finish a sentence.

So then the crowd starts chanting.

"Take it off! Take it off!"

I'm like, "Here we go,"
so I kick off a shoe.

She kicks off a sandal.

I kick off the other shoe,
she kicks off the other sandal.

Then we started going toe-to-toe.

Eventually I end up in my boxers
and nothing else.

And she's in a sports bra
and her underwear,

and it's her turn,
and we all know it's her turn.

And this is what I feel like
I might get in trouble for

because I was instigating.

I was like...

"Oh! Oh!"

"We're gonna see something.
We're gonna see something."

"I don't know what we're gonna see,
but we're gonna see something."

"It's either going to be
mo-mo or meow-meow."

"It's going to be something."

As soon as she heard "meow-meow..."

she ran off the stage,

and now I'm standing there in my boxers.

No one there to help me.

Finally, my friend shows up.

Martin comes out the door,
runs down the stairs,

takes the microphone away from me.

And he goes, "Get your ass upstairs."

I'm not paying attention,
I'm just looking at the ground, you know?

I am gone, I'm this guy.

I look like the end
of a Mortal Kombat game.

So, I'm not looking at Martin,
so he pops me in the chest.

He goes, "Hey!"

And I see Martin's face.

And his whole face is covered with salt.

'Cause he's a whore.

Martin says, "Get your ass upstairs!"
"Okay, Martin!"

So I start trying to walk up the stairs,
but I can't 'cause I'm too drunk,

so I got to do
that little baby bear crawl.

You know, that football thing
where you get on all fours.

And so I crawled
up the stairs like a little baby bear,

and when I got to the top,
everyone cheered.

"He made it!"

And so I'm, "Whoo!"

And Martin, he's just trying
to get me to go away.

He's like, "Ladies and gentlemen,
one more time for Mr. Gabriel Iglesias."

"This man gave you everything he had!"

"He almost got naked for you!"

And then I heard

"almost."

And a little devil appeared
on my shoulder.

And his name was Jäger!

And from the top of the stairs,
freakin' 3-2-1,

"I'll tell you what..."

And I threw my underwear at Martin.

Half the crowd saw my side naked profile,

the other half saw Pikachu.

Now, the problem with sharing
a story like that

is that people have questioned
the credibility of that story.

They say, "How is it possible
you could remember a story like that

with such detail
after drinking so many shots?"

And honestly, I don't.

But we recorded the show.

So I know the story very well, you know.

"She'll take off whatever you take off."

"She'll take off whatever you take off."

"She'll take off whatever you take off."

I know it very well.

The question that I've always
gotten over the years is,

you know, "Are your stories real?"

"You know, we hear these crazy stories,"
whether it's about me and Snoop Dogg

or Martin or all these different
adventures or my son Frankie.

People have always questioned
whether or not the stories are,

like, legit-legit.

And so in my last special, I addressed it.

I was tired of people asking
if my stories were real,

so to prove a point,
at the end of my last special that I did,

I included a photo of every single one
of the stories that I talked about

so that people would know
the stories are real.

And tonight...

is no exception.

So...

Did I really get naked onstage?

Ryan, hit the button.

I'm fucking with you.

Oh, my God, you guys thought
you were gonna see 3-D.

I'm sorry, I did that for me.

Oh, my God.

You were getting stressed, like,

"You asshole!
There are kids here!"

Oh, my God.

The number-one question I've gotten
when it comes to my shows is,

"What is your writing process?"

My writing process is simple.

I do not sit and write out jokes.

I am really bad at that.

Ask the Oscars.

I experience things, and then
I come out onstage and I share them,

and sometimes people laugh,
and if they laugh, I keep that,

and whatever doesn't get a laugh,
I work on until it gets a ha-ha.

Fifteen-plus years ago,
my friend Ivan, who is one of my...

he is my number-one longest,
oldest employee.

Not old like, "Hello, how are you?"
He's been around a long time.

He's been there from day one.

Ivan's original job was
to record my shows using a camcorder.

Now, the fact that I'm saying "camcorder"
should be an indication

of the timeline.

'Cause some of you right now
are like, "What's a camcorder?"

It was the Snapchat of our day.

So Ivan would record the shows

and then put away the camcorder
and the tripod

and a bunch of tapes into a bag.

It was very bulky,
it wasn't a phone, it was bulky.

And then we'd go back to the hotel

and he'd break the little guard
off the back of the TV

and then he'd hook it up
and we'd watch the thing,

and that's how I would review
my material.

One night, we go to dinner.

Ivan packed up the bag.

And we met in the hotel lobby.

And Ivan forgot the camera bag
in the hotel lobby.

And we went to dinner,
and when we came back,

it was gone.

And we never recovered the tape.

And I know some of you are like,
"How convenient."

"The tape of him getting naked is gone."

And to you I say,
"Why would I even make up such a story

that could potentially hurt
my credibility or my image?"

I don't need five minutes of ha-ha.

What I need is there to not be a tape.

I know that there's footage out there
of me doing something really embarrassing

and something I wish I could take back,

and I know that,
when this Netflix special airs,

a lot of people are gonna see it,

and hopefully the person
who has the footage is watching.

And I would like to tell
that person right now,

in your living room,

I know you have the tape.

I have $50,000

with your name on it.

Come get paid.

For the last 25 years,
every year I get the same question.

People ask me, "Gabriel,
in all your years of doing comedy,

what has been the greatest
moment of your career?"

And it's always been one of those things
where I never try to put

a highlight to one specific thing,

because there have been
so many incredible moments

over the last 25 years.

You know?

I love the fact that my mom
saw so much of it

and she saw her son become successful

and that she raised someone
that was respectful of people

and that, you know, chased his dream.

And I've always been very, like,

I never wanted to put a specific
date or time or event on one thing,

whenever people would ask,

"What has been
the greatest moment of your career?"

The problem is, I think that,

if someone were to ask me
the question on Monday...

"Gabriel, what has been the greatest
moment of your career?"

I think I have an answer.

I'm sorry, I'm not trying
to mislead you guys.

This is not the greatest moment
of my career.

This is the greatest moment of my life.

And if I die tomorrow,
I did everything I've ever wanted to do

and then some.

I think at this point,
there's only one thing left to say.

I get pulled over one night

two minutes after coming out
of a Krispy Kreme drive-thru.

I made a left turn
instead of making a right turn,

but I wasn't paying attention
because I had a box, right?

I was like, "You're going to get it
when you get home!"

"You've been so bad, so bad!"

"Aaah! You've been so bad."

I'm not paying attention,
I go the wrong way.

Awwww!

Hmm!

Later.

The officer's taking forever.

I said, "Forget this,
he's taking too long."

I grab my box, I put it on my lap,
I flipped it open.

"Ahh! Mmmmm!"

"Ha-ha-ha-ha!"

"Mm-waah! Waaaah!"

And just as I'm about to tear it up,
the officer gets to the window.

"You know why I stopped you?"

It was too easy, I said,
"'Cause you can smell it!"

Los Angeles.

I love you.

You are my home.

Thank you for 25 years.

Thank you
for the greatest night of my life.

I will never forget you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

This show is dedicated to the memory
of Vincente Fernandez!

Muchísimas gracias!

Ladies and gentlemen,
give it up for Martin!

Give it up for the man
that made history tonight.

You guys and Gabriel Iglesias!

All I can tell you right now,
this cabrón right here,

Gabriel Iglesias,
pulled all you guys together

to unite Los Angeles.

Every color, every single race,

every single belief, every single faith,

every background, every neighborhood,

everybody's here united in laughter

because of Mr. Gabriel Iglesias,

ladies and gentlemen.

Listen to me,
everybody out there with a dream,

these are three Mexican kids

from the freaking 'hood,
cabrones, all right?

East Los Angeles!

East Los.

Long Beach!

Wilmington!

That's right.

And I tell you,

if we can follow our dreams,
you follow your dreams, cabrones.

- Please.
- I don't care what it is!

- Don't make excuses.
- Don't let nobody tell you no!

Don't make any excuses, you guys.

If we can do it, por favor.

I know that somewhere tonight,
someone's watching this special,

they're going to be inspired
to do something great.

I know that a few years ago,

I was in Philadelphia and I saw Kevin Hart

in front of a football stadium
perform a show like this,

and I said, "You know what,
Kevin Hart can do it, I can do it."

So I hope somewhere tonight,
someone is watching this,

says, "You know what, I can do it too."

Whatever your dream is, please go for it.
Please chase it.

- Work hard for it, sacrifice.
- Just do it.

So, Martin, did he really get naked?

Did he get naked?

His balls were everywhere!