Gabriel Iglesias: I'm Not Fat... I'm Fluffy (2009) - full transcript

Gabriel Iglesias returns to the stage in this all-new comedy special where he performs in front of a packed house at the historic Plaza Theatre in El Paso, Texas. Go to the restroom before you watch this and be ready to watch it again and again. I'm Not Fat...I'm Fluffy will be a classic!!!

foodval.com - stop by if you're interested in the nutritional composition of food
---
[energetic music]

♪ ♪

[cheers and applause]

- El Paso, Texas, give it up
for Gabriel Iglesias!

[cheers and applause]

♪ ♪

- What's up, El Paso?

[crowd cheering]

Thank you guys, very very much.

Oh, my God.

Ah, I got chills.
Lookit.



Lookit. Lookit. Lookit.
[laughs]

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Whoo.

I missed you too.

Sientate, tio; sientate.

Oh, my God.

Somebody saw me running.
Correle, gordo.

Correle, correle.

Yeah, I know, friggin'...
[exhales]

[laughs]
Oh, my God, you guys.

I know a lot of you are like,

"What took you so long
to come back to El Paso?"

[crowd cheering]



I don't have a good excuse,
but I hope this makes up for it.

[crowd cheering]

Man, I have some history
in this town.

Been coming here
since July of 1 997.

[crowd hooting]
Yeah.

Used to perform on the west side
of town

over at Bart Reed's
Comic Strip.

[crowd cheering]

I was here on my 21st birthday.

I'll never forget.

Never forget it.

And that's the last time
I drank in El Paso.

Uh-huh.

You guys don't mess around.
It was my birthday.

I'm hanging out at the club,
and they're like,

"It's your birthday."

I'm like, "It's my birthday."

"You want a drink?"
"Sure."

So I started drinking
and drinking and drinking.

And then the staff was like,
"Do you want to party?"

I was like...
[slurring] "I wanna party."

"You want to dance?"
"I wanna dance."

I passed out, and I woke up
at someplace called the O.P.

[laughter and cheers]

Now, see, you guys are clapping

and you're laughing
because you know.

[laughter]

I didn't know it was
an "alternative" night club.

I'm from L.A.

I thought O.P.
stood for "Orale Pues".

[laughter]

And that is a messed up way
to sober up, you know.

I'm at the club.

I'm dancing, you know.
[beat-boxing]

Hey.
[beat-boxing]

Hey!

[laughter and applause]

There was a little guy behind me
going, "Pikachu."

He was like,
"Yo tambien soy Pokemon."

No.
Uh-uh.

But it was kind of crazy.

I was getting checked out
by guys.

I was like, "Oh, my God."

And I know they were
checking me out,

'cause they were looking at me
like I look at tacos.

But then I thought about it.

"Oh, my God,
I just turned on a man.

Shoot."

Man, I called my girlfriend.

I said, "You better not mess up.
I have options."

Uh-huh.

I have memory.

A few years back, I was doing
a show at the Comic Strip,

and my idol, Mr. Paul Rodriguez,
was in town doing a benefit.

He calls up the Comic Strip,
and he says, he says,

"Hey, listen, I'm doing
a benefit up the street.

"Y sabes que, vato?

"I'm gonna come down there,
and I want to do some shots.

Some tequila, some tacos."

I'm like, "Let's do it."

He shows up to the club,
and he says,

"All right, get in the car.
Let's go."

"Where are we going?"
"We're going to Juarez."

"Juarez?
Let's eat some tacos here."

"I can't afford you here.
Let's go to the other side."

[makes engine noise]

So we wind up on the other side,

and we wound up
killing some tacos,

and, you know, we wound up
crossing the border.

And when we crossed the border,
it was a few months after

I taped a bunch
of water commercials here.

You guys remember
the water commercials?

Yeah, and then they pulled me
off the advertising

because they said I was too fat
to sell water.

Whatever.

So we're crossing the border,
and Immigration was right there,

and they're checking the cars,
and we're in a blue van.

My buddy Jim, who's sitting
over there, was driving,

and Border Patrol comes
over to the window,

and he goes---
he opens the door

and he sees me.

He goes, "Oh, my God.
It's you. You're hysterical.

And I go, "What do you think
of this guy?"

And Paul was like,
"Hey, what's up?"

And the guy was like,
"Oh, my God."

So we wound up taking pictures
at the border.

And it was so funny,
'cause we're outside the car,

and we're pretending
to be arrested, right?

People are driving by going,

"Let Paul Rodriguez
and Pikachu go!"

They're American!
Let 'em go!"

[laughing]

It was priceless.

We crossed the border,
and Paul was like,

"I want to go hang out
and have a good time."

He went to this place
off the 1 0 called Jaguars.

[crowd cheers]

It's a "male,"
you know, gentleman's club,

whatever you want to call it.

So we go in there, and I'm like,
"Oh, my God."

As soon as we walked in,
I'm like---

I'm thinking Paul's
gonna be all like,

"Shh, I don't want nobody
to know I'm here."

Goes over to the DJ,
and the DJ's like,

"All right, ladies,
look who just walked in:

Paul Rodriguez!"

All of a sudden, there's,
like, 32 lap dances

that stop like that.

And all these girls,
they bum-rush Paul.

And I'm like, "Wow,
I got to get funnier."

So we're hanging out there
for a couple of hours.

So we wind up outside
in the parking lot,

And this girl jumped
into the car, and she's like,

"Oh, my God, Paul Rodriguez.

"I love you.
My mama's a huge fan too.

Here. Please, please, please."

And he, "Whatever, whatever,
okay, come here, come here."

"Here, please,
talk to her on the phone."

"Ora."

He looks at me
in the front seat,

and he goes, "Hey, tu, Iglesias.

Here, be me."

He put me on the phone
with the girl's mom.

I'm like, "Hey, senora.
How you doing?

"Yeah, you know, uh...

"your daughter,
she's a real angel.

Yeah. That's what
they call her here."

[audience laughing]

Yeah, man, I love Paul.

Like I said, Paul's the...
you know,

one of the main reasons
why I got into comedy.

And he used to mess
with me a lot; trust me.

In my last special,
I talked about

how I had a Volkswagen Beetle.

It was a true story.
I really had a Beetle.

And I got rid of it because
I got tired of the fat jokes.

When you're a fluffy guy
and you have a little car

and all of your friends
are professional comedians...

oh, they'll make you cry.

Paul, especially.

"How the hell did you manage
to squeeze inside of that?

"Hombre, I have never seen
a car expand before

"while someone was inside of it.

"How do you get a stretch mark
on the windshield?

"That's what I want to know.

When you fart,
does it go faster?"

One after another after another.

I'm like, "Oh, my God."

And you know what it is?
It's Karma.

'Cause ten years ago,

I did a joke
about Paul Rodriguez on TV.

I used to be on a show

on the Nickelodeon Network
called AII That.

Some of you remember?
Yeah?

That was me, a lot smaller.

I was only two X's.

I was a dos equis.
Yeah.

Anyway, as soon as the TV show
season was over,

they gave all
the cast members gifts.

They gave this one girl a TV,
this one kid a DVD collection.

Since I was the only one
who had his own car,

they gave me a car alarm
with a remote start to it.

A lot of cars have those now,
but think back ten years ago.

There was only a few
that had the...

[imitates alarm beeping,
car engine starting]

My friends went,
"Where'd you get that?"

I looked at them, and I said...
"Nickelodeon!"

"That's bad!"

I go to show it off
to everybody.

I show it to my mom, I said,
"Mom, go to the car.

I got to use the bathroom.
I left you a present."

[gasps]
"Un present, okay!"

So she goes to the car,

and I started the car
from the kitchen.

[imitates alarm beeping,
car engine starting]

" El diablo! El diablo!

El diablo!"

I had to run outside.

"Mom, it's not the devil.

Lookit, lookit, lookit."

[imitates alarm beeping,
car engine starting]

"Nickelodeon!"

"Oh, my God, mijo.

Oh, my God, you scared me."

Me sacastes un pedo, mijo.

"Oh, my God, mira.
Smell, smell, smell.

Smell, mijo, smell. "

I wind up doing a show
in Hollywood at a comedy club,

and I'm working with my idol,
with Paul Rodriguez.

Soon as the show was over,
we go---you know,

we're walking out the door,
and he walks up to me

and he says, "You know, I like
the whole fluffy thing you do.

"It's catchy. Sounds cute.

Keep eating."

We walk outside, and my car
is parked there first

because I showed up late.

So I'm---you know, my car's
right there and Paul walks by.

"All right, take it easy."

He walks right in front
of my car.

And my friend goes,
"Dude, show him your car.

Show him Nickelodeon."

And I couldn't help it,
you know, freakin'...

[imitates alarm beeping,
car engine starting]

"Hey! Hijole!"

What the hell? What is this?"

"Paul!"

"Nickelodeon!"

"Hombre, cabron pinche, Fluffy,
you gave me a heart attack.

You take it easy."

Valet brings his car around,
a brand-new Porsche 91 1.

The car was nice.

You know, it pulls up.
[imitates roaring engine]

Valet gives him the keys.

He turns around and looks at me.

"Hey, tu, Fluffy.

Check it out."

I'm like, "Whatever.
It's not Nickelodeon."

[imitates car alarm beeping]

The door pops open.

[imitates whirring, beeping]

Trunk.

[imitates whirring]

"I'm not through yet."

[imitates alarm beeping,
car engine starting]

[imitates engine revving]

[imitates car horn
playing "La Cucaracha"]

[imitates beeping]

"HBO."

[laughing and cheering]

A lot has changed, El Paso.

A lot has changed.

One thing's for sure;
I'm still the fluffy guy.

[cheering]

And I say "fluffy" 'cause that
is the politically correct term.

For those of you
that don't remember,

I used to say that there
were five levels of fatness.

Reason why I say "used to say"
is because now there are six.

Uh-huh. I met the new one
in Las Cruces.

The original five levels
are big, healthy,

husky, fluffy and damn!

People ask, "What could
be bigger than damn?"

The new level's called,

"Oh, hell, no!"

[laughter, applause]

What's the difference?

You're still willing to work
with level five.

Example: If you're
on an elevator

and you're with your friend,
and this really big guy gets on

and you and your friend look
at each other,

and you're like, "Damn!"

But you still let the big guy
ride your elevator.

That's the difference.

Level six, you see walking
towards your elevator.

[deep grunting]

"Oh, hell, no!"

[rumbling]

"No!"

[rumbling]

"No!

No!"

That's the difference.

The guy that I met
was 6"8', 614 pounds.

[audience gasping]
Uh-huh, "Aw, hell, no."

And he was offended at my show,

not by anything that I said
but because of the fact

that now, at the shows,
I started selling T-shirts,

and, apparently,
I didn't have his size.

Keep in mind, I go all the way
up to 5X on the T-shirts,

and he was like...

[in deep, raspy voice]
"You don't have my size."

I was like, "Dude,
I didn't know they made you."

[laughter]

I have up to 5X,
I don't have [growls] "X"

with a picture of a dinosaur
on the back of the tag,

you know.

No.

And by the way, you guys,
I want to let you know now

here in this theater
and all over the world,

wherever anybody's watching
this special,

if you ever see me in public,

either at a restaurant
or at a hotel or anywhere,

and you want to stop me
and say hello

or take a picture or anything,
please.

I welcome it and it's an honor
if you were to do that.

I do not mind at all.

[cheering and applause]

Stop me anytime you want.

I'm the same person.

The same guy.

Thank you.
Seriously,

the same guy you see now is
the same guy you'd see outside.

I don't change, you know.

You're not gonna walk up and go,
"Gabriel, can I talk to you?"

I'm not going to be like,
"Be gone from me.

"Gabriel is my stage name.

I'm not even Mexican;
I'm Scandinavian."

No, trust me, I'm the same
pendejo you'll see outside.

I don't mind.

I love it, you guys, trust me.

You guys make it possible

for me to have
an incredible life

and take care of my family,
so I'm all for it.

Not a problem.

Trust me,

right now it's so crazy

'cause I'm still adjusting
to people walking up to me.

I'm checking into the hotel,

and they already knew me,
which was crazy.

I go like,
"Uh, hi, I'm checking in."

"Here's your key, sir."

"But, um, um..."

"We know it's you, sir."

I'm like, "Ah!"

[laughs]

You know,
I think that's awesome.

I needed that,
like, six years ago.

One time, I was trying
to check into a hotel

in Chicago
at 1:00 in the morning

because I missed my flight.

Nobody's at the front desk,
just the little bell

and a sign that said
"Ring for service."

So there I am.

Ching.

Ching, ching.

Ching.

Ching, ching, ching, ching,
ching, ching, ching.

Ching, ching.

Ching, ching,
ching, ching, ching.

All of a sudden, I heard this.

"I hear the bell."

All of a sudden,
this lady came out.

[exhales]

"Are you the one ringing
that damn bell?

What the hell you want?"

"Um, I'm checking in."

"You know what time it is?
It's tomorrow."

"I know, I missed my flight."

"Mm-hmm, whatever you say."

[exhales]

"What's going on out there?"

"Girl, you got to see this.

"I got a big-ass Mexican
showing up late as hell.

Okay."

[imitates typing]

"What's your name?"

"My name is Gabriel Iglesias."

'"E'-glesias?"

"Yes, Iglesias."

"Okay, 'E'-glesias,
okay, E-G-L-I..."

"No, no, no, no,
it's Iglesias with an 'I."'

"With an 'I'?

"But you said 'E'...glesias.

"You didn't say 'I'-glesias.

You said 'E'...glesias."

"It's Iglesias with an 'I."'

"Mm-hmm, whatever you say.
It's your damn name.

"Okay?

Mr. Iglesias with an 'I."'

[exhales]

"You know, that's bad for you."

"Oh, this right here?

My grandmamma lived to be
1 00 years old."

"Smoking?"

"Minding her own damn business.
Okay?

"Mr. Iglesias with an 'I.'

"Okay, I found you
in the system.

I got you for two nights,
full-size bed, non-smoking."

"I requested a queen-size bed."

"And you would have got a queen

"if you'd have been here
yesterday,

"but it's tomorrow and you're
lucky I'm talking to you,

"Mr. Iglesias with an 'I.'

What's the 'I' stand for---
'I need a bigger bed'?"

"What's going on out there?"

"Girl, you got to see this.

Nacho Libre is trippin'."

"Whatever.

Give me a hard time."

A lot has changed, though, man.

For those of you that don't know
by now, I finally became a dad.

[cheering and applause]
Yeah.

Thank you.

Hell, yeah.

He's ten.
[laughing]

Surprised me too.

Yeah, they found me.

And it's not what you think.

I didn't discover
that I had a lost child.

It's just that I hooked up
with a beautiful woman

who had a pre-started family,

so basically I became
a stepfather.

You know, I just took over
the payments.

Best part for me is that my
new son looks exactly like me.

He's fluffy too.

[cheering and applause]

Ten years old, 1 62 pounds.

Yeah, he's a little---
damn.

[laughter]

And he's the cutest kid.

You talk to him---
his name is Frankie---

like, "Frankie,
what do you like to do?"

"I like microwave burritos
and PlayStation."

"Me too."

Only problem is he wakes up
early, 5:00 every morning.

[knocking]

[in squeaky voice]
"Gabriel."

"What?"

"I'm hungry."

"Me too.
Make something."

And he does.

I can hear him in the kitchen
making Hot Pockets,

you know, freaking---
[beeping]

[whirring]

[beeps]

And he opens the door
and doesn't close it,

and the whole house freaking---
[sniffs]

[moans, laughs]

♪ Hot Pocket ♪

Delicious, oh.

Oh, my God,

and he's so cute because right
now he's going through puberty,

and I think it's hysterical.

His mom doesn't think so.

She's like, "No."
I go, "Yeah,

I caught him
checking out a girl."

"How do you know?"

"I was looking at her too."

She was hot!

And I told my girl, I said,
"Baby, don't worry.

"If he has any questions,
I'll be the man.

I'll take care of it."

'Cause I went through puberty
at ten.

And she's like, "Oh, thank you."

I said, "Don't worry,
I took care of it.

"You know, hey,
I went through puberty at ten.

I understand."

Plus, I had cable,
so it was hardcore, you know.

You know, what's the difference
now is that now you can program

channels not to work.

You couldn't do that
20 years ago.

You couldn't block a kid
unless you stayed up.

My mom knocked out at 1 0:00,
and right around 1 1:45...

"The following program
has not been rated

"by the Motion Picture
Association of America.

"Due to its graphic
sexual content,

viewer discretion is advised."

[shrieks]

I was ten years old;
I lost my mind.

I'm sitting on that couch;
all of a sudden...

[beatboxing sultry music]

[in deep, sexy voice]
"Are you ready?

Uh-huh, oh, yeah."

[in squeaky voice]
"Yeah."

"Oh, yeah."

"Yeah."

"Are you ready?"

"I'm done."

And you know what's crazy is,

I know it's happening
at my house now

'cause one night I heard...

[in squeaky voice]
"Yeah."

[laughs]

"What's he doing?"
"Becoming a man."

And I was curious.

I'm like,
"I wonder what he's watching,"

so I started flipping
through my channels,

trying to find something
that would "spark interest."

Sure enough,
he's watching Cinemax.

Uh-huh, and I know
that's what he's watching.

That guy's clapping---
hell, yeah.

[laughs]
Cochino--- yeah, I know.

I know
that's what he's watching

because out of my TV,
I'm getting direct sound,

and then I'm getting, like,

a little delayed echo
down the hall.

You know, so it's like...
[moaning]

[distant moan]

[in deep, sexy voice]
"Yeah."

[distantly]
"Yeah."

[moaning echoes]

[in man's voice]
"Yeah."

[in squeaky voice]
"Yeah."

I saw him the next morning.

I said, "What were you doing
last night?"

"I was playing Nintendo."

"Yeah, whatever.

You were playing 'whee'."

And now he's like...

[sighs]

Uh-huh, whatever, dude.

Anyway, I know
I'm sweating up here.

The whole front row---
you guys are like,

"It smells like carnitas.

He smells delicious."

Oh, big guys,
I don't know what it is.

When we get hot,
we smell like food.

We should have
our own cologne, huh?

"From the makers
of Tres Leches..."

[spraying]

"What's that smell?"
"Taco."

I'm a dork, I know.

People ask me about the voices
all the time.

They're like,

"Do you do that just on stage,

or do you do that
in public too?"

Like, no, of course
I do the voices in public.

I have to make myself laugh.

You know,
I like doing the voices

in places
where people can't see me.

Like drive-throughs.

Oh, I'm evil
at a drive-through, man,

except the one by my house
'cause they know me.

I mean, they really know me.

I could show up
at 2:00 in the morning

or 2:00 in the afternoon,
you know.

[whirring, brakes screeching]
"Welcome to McDonald's.

How can I help you?"

"Yeah, let me have..."
"Pull up."

[laughter]

"I didn't order."

"Gabriel, pull up."

[cheering]

Whatever.

Other places
I've had fun---IHOP.

Look at some of you---
"IHOP? "

Yeah, let me explain this one.

Next time you go to an IHOP,
look for the podium.

Usually on the weekends,

they'll have the podium set up
right at the front door,

and when you walk in, they'll
have a host and they'll ask you,

"How many in your party?"

And you tell them two, three,
four, whatever the case,

and then when it's time
for your seats,

they'll call you
with the little freaking---

you know,
they got the microphone

on the side of the wall,
and they'll go,

"Paging party of four, paging
party of four, now serving."

When that party walked away,
I grabbed her microphone

and I said,
"Paging Mexican party of 47,

Mexican party of 47,
now serving."

And the whole restaurant
was like...

All the guys in the kitchen.

" Orale guey!"

Hell, yeah.

I love IHOP.
I go too much, you guys.

I was at an IHOP one time
during an earthquake.

Wasn't a big one.

It was enough to feel it,
but not freak out, you know.

I live in California,
so we get 'em a lot.

But if you're not used to that,
you're all...

[screaming]
"Earthquake!"

You know, and I'm sitting there.
I just rode it out, you know.

[laughter, applause]

[laughter, cheering, whistling]

[sighs]

Freaking earthquakes, man.

You gotta choose which one
you want, you know.

Do you want earthquakes,
tornados,

hurricanes, fires, floods?

I live in California.

I'll take the earthquakes.

You could sleep through 'em.

You know, and then
whenever they happen,

you never believe
it's an earthquake.

You're like, "Is that
an earthquake or a big truck?"

Seriously, you'll be like...
[groaning]

[mimicking truck horn]
[screams]

[laughing]

Smell, smell, smell, smell.

[laughing]

[sighs]

But, seriously,
you can go to work

and people are talking about how
they were sleeping, you know.

"Did you feel that tremor
last night?"

[yawning]

You can't sleep through
a tornado or a hurricane.

And I said that down South,
and people were like,

"Yeah, you can."

I said, "Not if it hits
your house."

I've never seen that interview,
you know.

"Sir, what happened
to your home?"

[in Southern accent]
"I don't know what happened.

"See, I woke up this morning,

"and that son of a bitch
was flipped over.

"It's the darnedest thing.

"You know, I got a truck
in the tree,

"my dog is down the street,
I can't find my wife,

"but that's for a whole nother
reason altogether.

I was asleep."

"Sir, you were asleep?"

"Damn right, I was asleep.

"I got me one of them
Tempur-Pedics over there.

"Get 'er done.

That's what I'm saying
right there."

[cheering, applause]

Whoo!

[whistling]

I love that impression,
you guys.

I love doing that.

Every time I do it,
somebody's like,

"Hey, that's the redneck
cable guy."

Mexicans, be careful.

'Cause we have rednecks too.

We do.

And they sound exactly
like the white ones.

You guys are real quiet, huh?
You don't believe me?

Watch this. White redneck:

"I tell you what."

Mexican redneck:

"Sabes que, guey."

[laughter, applause, cheering]

[whistling]

Uh-huh.

White redneck:

[imitating banjo]

Mexican redneck--- we put words
and moves to that.

♪ Bailemos con el tuca ♪

♪ Bailemos con el nazo ♪

♪ Bailemos con el tuca
tuca tuca tuca ♪

[cheering, whistling, applause]

[cheers]

Same guy.

So be careful, man.

[sighs]

I had to take it easy
with the voices

once I got with my girlfriend.

She, uh---she used to think
it was cute,

but then, you know,
I scared her.

One night we're in the room,
and she's like,

"Ooh, what are you gonna do
to me?"

And I was like,

[in shrill voice]
"You're gonna get it!"

[mimicking thumps]

"Stop doing that!"

[mimicking demonic laugh]

Yeah.

We used to role play.

We used to play White House.

Oh, that was so much fun
back in the day.

I'd wake her up at 3:00
in the morning.

She's like, "Who is it?"
I was like...

[mimicking Bill Clinton]
"You know who it is."

[laughter, cheering, applause]

"Ay, Senor,
I don't speak English."

[mimicking Bill Clinton]
Hell, yeah.

[laughter]

That's about as political
as I get now, you guys.

You know, things change.

People ask me,
"Do you get political?"

I'm like, "No, not really,"
you know.

"What's your take on Barack?"

I'm like, "Well, he's, you know,

"he's a lot smarter
than the last one.

That's for sure."

I love his ass, man.

[cheering, applause, whistling]

Some people didn't want
Barack in office

only because he was black.

And I'm, like, how retarded---
come on, you guys.

You know, he's Barack.

He's not Snoop Dogg.

You know, it's not like
he's going to come out,

"Ladies and gentlemen,

the president
of the United States."

[beatboxing "Hail To The Chief"]

♪ Here we go again... ♪

[beatboxing continues]

"Mr. President, Mr. President."

[mimicking Lil Wayne]
Yeah-ya?

No.

Anyways, that's as far
as I'll go with that.

"He said he wasn't gonna
get political."

Yeah, I know.

Gotta change that up, you guys.

A lot of things are changing.

A lot.

Got the relationship now.

It's going good.
I love my girlfriend.

She's here in the house
tonight too.

[cheering, applause]

It's awesome.

We rarely fight.

And I think that's
so freaking cool.

And I know why.

It's because I do this
for a living.

Uh-huh, and she knows

whatever we argue about will
eventually end up right here.

[laughter]

It slows her down.
You ought to see her.

"You know what I think?"

"Go ahead, say it, say it."

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

The only problem I have
with my girl sometimes

are her friends.

I don't like her friends,
'cause they're haters.

[scattered cheering]
They are.

Look, the guy's clapping.

Yeah, I know, man.

It sucks.
Every time I leave the house,

and I go out of town
for the weekend,

they show up, and they start
throwing little monkey wrenches

in there, you know.

[in female voice]
"So he's not here?

"Where is he?
How come you're not with him?

"What's the story?
What's the deal?

"How long have you
been together now?

"You're not engaged?
You're not married?

"What's up?
Is he gonna adopt Frankie?

"What's the word?
What's going on?

"How come you don't have a ring?

"Norma has a ring
and she's a puta.

How come you don't have a ring?"

[laughter, applause]

So I'll get these
messed-up phone calls

at, like, 2:00 in the morning
when I'm the road, right.

[mimics phone ringing]

"Hello."

[mimics crying]

"Baby?"
"Yeah?"

"Are you okay?"
"Mm-hmm."

"What are you doing?"
"Nothing.

"I'm just here at the house,

watching Cheaters. "

"Great."

Oh, wow, did you see that?

I almost fell.

Ooh!

If I fall now, show's over.

[mumbling]
Oh, my God.

Yeah, there'll be people
outside.

"We're standing here live
in front of the Plaza Theatre.

"Where authorities believe
Fluffy lost control.

"Seven people were
reported injured,

"three were rushed
to the hospital.

"Authorities had this to say,

'Damn!"'

[cheering, applause, whistling]

Whoo!

Thank you.

They'd be interviewing people.
"Ma'am, what happened?"

"It got dark."

"Sir, what did you see?"

[mimics roaring, thud]

"Se cayo Pikachu."
Yeah, l know.

"He fell."

Uh-huh.

But, no, anyways, let me finish
to tell you what happened.

So my girl started tripping out,

and I start getting
these weird phone calls.

Finally, I got tired of it.

I said, "You know what?
I don't need this.

"You know, I don't need it.

"From now on when I take off
on the road,

no more phone calls."

- Yeah!
- Look at that guy. "Yeah!"

Are you here by yourself?

[laughter]

Uh-huh.

Whatever, dude.

[applause, cheering]
Anyway...

Here's the thing: I took my girl
to the Apple store.

And I got her an iPhone.

I got myself one
and I said, "From now on,

we're texting each other."

And believe it or not,
she was cool with that,

because anytime she would
send me a text,

I would reply like that.

I could be anywhere.

Freaking in the bathroom.
Freaking...

[mimics ding]

"What are you doing?"

[laughs]

"I'm blowing it up!

I love you." Send.

And she'd reply,
"Oh, my God, me too.

I love you!"

It sounds so stupid, but it was
working out perfectly

until one night I got drunk.

[audience oohs]

Oh, you want to hear this?

all: Yeah!
- You want to hear this?

all: Yeah!

- So check this out.

I'm leaving a comedy club
in San Jose, California.

And I'm walking back
to my hotel room,

which is one block away.

As I'm walking, I pass in front

of this bar on the corner
called Cinebar.

It's got all kinds of cinema
and movie memorabilia in there.

Looks cool;
I'm walking in front,

and there are people in that bar
that just left my show.

So I walk in front,
and I heard, "Fluffy!

Hey, let me buy you a shot!"

I was like, "Well, you know,
I don't want to be rude."

[laughter]

Can't have that, right?
So I walked in.

I said, "What's---you know,
I'm on way back to my room.

I'll just do
a couple shots, whatever."

So you know, one shot
and then somebody, "Me too."

"All right, me too.
Vamonos. Let's do it."

"Me three." "Me four."

1 5 shots of tequila later...

[audience oohs]

[whistling, cheering]

It occurs to me,

"I think I should go."

I start walking
towards the door.

I took three steps,
the cold air hit me.

I got dizzy and I fell.
Hard.

I know I fell hard,

'cause when I hit the ground
I farted.

[laughter]

[mimics fart]

"Oh, my God, I farted!"

My buddy Martin ran over,

and he helped me
up off the ground.

"You okay, Gabriel?"

[mumbling]

We stumbled back
to the hotel room,

I sit down in the lobby,
and I'm just like...

[exhaling]

"Are you okay, Gabriel?"

"I'm okay, man.
Where's my phone?

I gotta let my girl know
I'm okay."

"You're holding it."

"Oh, thank you, Martin.
I love you.

"I love you.
You're a good friend, man.

You're a good friend."

He goes, "What are you doing?"
"I'm gonna text."

"Dude, just call her."
"No!

"If I call her, she's gonna know
something's up.

"I'm gonna text her.
Watch.

"Baby, I made it back
to the hotel.

"I love you.

Kissy-face."

Send.

[mimics ding]

"How did it go?"

[laughing]
"I farted!

"I shouldn't tell her that,
huh, Martin?

"Okay.

It went good."

[mimics ding]
Send.

"What did you do
after your show?"

"Oh, here we go."

My buddy Martin is like,

"Gabriel, man, Gabriel,
don't tell her---

"don't tell her you were
at a bar getting drunk, man.

Don't tell her."

"Martin, I have to tell her
the truth, bro.

"We're cool like that, man.

"I can talk to her.

"I can---I could tell her
anything, man.

"She's not like your old lady,
you know.

Trippin' all the time."

"Hey, Martin, take the pictures
of the cochina

off the internet."

"Whatever."

"Oh, I'm sorry,
did I say that out loud?

Forgive me, bro."

"Gabriel, lie."

"I can't lie, man."

"Lie!"
"I can't lie!"

"Are you that honest?"

"No, I just won't remember
the lie.

"Why get in trouble two times
for the same stupid thing?

You know what I'm saying, bro?"

So I sent the message.

"Baby, I made it...

Oh, delete, delete, delete."

[chuckles]

"Baby, I went next door

"with Martin to Cinebar.

"Had a nice time.

"Kissy face, kissy face.

"Kissy face.

Send."

[imitates cell phone chiming]

"Lucky you.

"Wish I could've been there
with you.

"Tell Martin I said hi.

I love you."

[laughing]
Oh, my God.

Martin, I just told
my girlfriend

I was at a bar with you,
and she didn't get mad.

What the hell is she doing?

[laughter, applause]

Man, she told me
to tell you hi.

And she don't even like you.

So I scroll back
to read what she read,

and apparently, my stupid iPhone

has this memory
spell check feature,

and it didn't recognize
the word, "Cinebar."

It flipped it and turned it
into Cinnabon.

So apparently, at 1 0:00
at night, my girlfriend thought

I was having cinnamon rolls
with my friend, Martin,

which normally,
would sound like an ugly lie,

but considering her boyfriend
is known

as "the fluffy guy"
who loves "chocolate cake,"

it sounds real.

I was like, "Oh, my God.

"Martin, check it out!

My iPhone lied for me."

[laughter, applause]

I love you, iPhone!

BlackBerry can't do that.

[cackling]

A month later, my girlfriend
heard me tell the story,

and she's like,
"That's a funny joke."

I go, "It really happened."

"How come you didn't tell me?"

I said,
"The phone didn't let me."

And her friends are right there.

"See, he's out there
getting wasted,

sending you messed-up texts."

"Whatever. Shut up, haters."

Yeah, a lot of things
are going on.

Um, in the house here tonight,
you guys,

I'm very happy she was able
to make it.

A lot has been going on.

My mom once again
here at my special...

is in here.

[audience cheering]

Where you at, Ma?

I know you're out here.

Oh, there she is.

[audience cheering]

Andale.

She almost didn't make it here
tonight, you guys, almost.

Uh, a month ago, my mom
got admitted to the hospital.

She got a little sick.

Somebody forgot to take
their medication, uh-uh.

"I don't need it pa'que...
pa'que neces...ay, ay."

Yeah, uh-uh, remember that?

Remember that? Right?
Anyway, Mom...

Sorry, I have to throw it at her

so she makes sure
she takes her medicine.

Got to give my little shout-outs
right now.

Right here in the front row,
you guys...

if anybody saw my last DVD,
in the bonus features,

this gentleman right here,

Freddy Franco---
Fred Franco---

has attended over 250
of my shows.

Over 250 of my shows.

In about five
or six different states.

At first,
my girlfriend was like,

"Psycho."

But he's not---
he's cool.

We've hung out with him.

Just a---one of the greatest
fans ever,

and so I have to give him
his props, you know.

He, uh, took some time
off of work to come out here.

So thank you, Freddy.

Man.

Cabron, you're die-hard.

Please don't ever
turn psycho, please.

'Cause I have some psychos
out there.

They'll show up, and they'll
hang out by the car.

"Gabriel."
[laughing nuttily]

It's funny because this is my---
this is my third special.

In the last special that I did,

I did a bunch of references
to police officers.

And they weren't exactly
flattering references or jokes.

You know, I was just
kind of like saying,

you know, the whole doughnut
thing and, um...[laughs]

Apparently, they became fans
in some weird way,

because I started getting phone
calls to do police functions.

In December,
I had five Christmas parties.

I got a phone call
from my agent.

He's like, "Gabe, check it out.

"CHP, California
Highway Patrol,

wants to hire you to do a show."

I go, "Really?
What does it pay?"

"They want you
to donate your time."

"I think I'm busy."

"They told me to let you know
you have a warrant

in the city
of Fresno, California."

I'm like, "Oh, they're good."

So I did the show.

And I'm gonna tell
you guys right now---

I'm gonna tell you guys
right now,

it was one of the scariest shows
I ever did.

A room full of nothing but cops.

Everybody's drinking a lot.

And I'm scared, because if they
get ghetto, who do I call?

You know, I got to go out
in the parking lot

and find some gang member.

"Hey, back me up!"

So the show went good.

It went so good that they
asked me to do another show

in California, in San Diego,

for the California
Highway Patrol Border Division.

And I tried to make up an excuse

that my car
wasn't working right.

They said, "No worries.
We understand."

They sent a patrol car
to my house

with a freaking
uniformed officer.

And I was like, "Oh, my God."

Best part was I didn't tell
my family he was coming.

Oh, yeah, sometimes
you have to create

your own entertainment.

It was hysterical.

5:00 rolled around.

I'm like, "He should be here
any minute."

Sure enough...
[imitates doorbell ringing]

"Frankie!

Frankie, can you
get the door, please?"

"Okay, Gabriel."
So he goes to the door.

Comes back, and he's got,
like---you know, he's like...

[whispering]
"Gabriel.

Gabriel, the police are here."

"Why are you whispering?"

'"Cause something's
gonna happen."

When he said that, I'm like,

"Oh, I got to freaking
let him have it now, right?"

I said, "Oh, my God, Frankie,
they found me."

"What do you mean, Gabriel?"

"I got to go, Frankie.
I got to go.

"Take care of your mom
for me, okay?

I love you. I love you."

"No!"

"I got to go, Frankie."

And I saw the officer---
I said,

"Pretend you're arresting me.
I want to freak out my kid."

"No problem. Turn around and put
your hands behind your back."

"I can't reach.

"Just hold my hand.

"Walk me to the car.
Just walk me to the car.

"Come on, just walk me
to the car.

"He doesn't know
the difference, dude.

"Just walk me
to the freaking car.

Come on."

I get to the cop car.

He throws me in the backseat,
right, and slams the door.

And I ask him,

"Is it okay if I yell out
the window to freak out my kid?"

"You want to use
the microphone?" "Yeah!"

Freaking...
[imitates microphone feedback]

"Here you go, sir."

And he hands me the microphone,
and I said,

"Frankie, this is the police.

"We have your father.

"We're coming back for you
in one hour.

Do your homework."

[imitates siren warbling]

[imitates car driving away]

One minute later,
my girlfriend calls me.

"You're an ass!"

"What's he doing?"

"He's doing his homework."

"That's called parenting, baby."

[cheering and applause]

[sighs, chuckles]

He got even with me, though.

He totally got even with me.

I walked in the kitchen
one morning.

He's sitting there,
and he looks at me, and he goes,

"Gabriel, I have a question
for you.

What's a hooker?"

[sternly]
"What did you say?"

"What's a hooker?"

"Where did you hear that?"

"I was watching HBO,
and there was a commercial

"for a show
called Hookers at the Point.

"It said,
'This Saturday at 1 1:30,

"check out all the hookers.'

What's that mean?"

"That means we're going out
Saturday."

"What's a hooker?"

"Let it go, dude."

"Tell me."
"You don't need to know."

"Tell me."
"Frankie, that's for adults."

"You said I was an adult."

"I said you eat like an adult.

"And what you do
in the bathroom,

"you are grown up---
trust me---

but you don't need to know
what a hooker is."

He throws a fit in the kitchen.

"Hooker! Hooker!
Hooker! Hooker!"

"What are you doing?"
"Hooker!"

He won't stop.

I don't know what to do,
so I snapped.

"Quit it!"

And he stopped.

And apparently,
his mom heard that.

Mm-hmm,
and as soon as I yelled,

[laughing]
Oh...my God,

he went from being my son

to my girlfriend's little cub
once again.

And here she comes from
the other side of the house,

mama lion, to protect
her little, you know...

[mimics theme from
The Lion King]

[roaring]

[imitating hoofbeats]

I could see her coming.

[screams]

[roaring]

"Why are you yelling
at my baby?"

Oh, my God.

"He wants to know
what a hooker is."

[crying]
"And that's why you're yelling?"

Tears, right?

"You said,
if he had any questions,

he could come to you."

"I didn't know
he was going to ask me that."

"You said, 'Don't worry, baby.

'"I'm the man.

I'll take care of it."'

"Tell him."

"Are you serious?"

"Tell him now."

[sighs]

"Frankie, you want to know
what a hooker is?"

"Yeah."

"Those are your mom's friends."

[audience laughing]

[imitates car speeding away]

They don't like me anyway.

At least now, when they come
over to the house---

"Frankie, who's at the door?"

"Hookers are here."

My buddies are like,
"What did he say?"

"Happy birthday."

[cackling]

Oh, my God.

Noticing we got a soldier
in the front row, man.

How you doing, bro?

US Army?
[cheering and applause]

Thanks for coming, man.

What's your name?

I can see...yeah,
I can read the last name,

Fuentes,
but what's your name?

What's that?
Ricardo.

Ricardo...
you're in El Paso.

"Ricardo, cabron. "

Save Ricardo
for over there, okay?

Okay? "Ricardo!"

I want you to sound like you're
in one of those noveIas.

"Who is it?"
[suavely] "It's Ricardo."

"Did you bring a pistola?"

[imitates gun cocking]

Sorry, man, I'm just giving you
a tough time, man.

But thank you for coming, man.

Thank you for what you do.

[cheering and applause]

Seriously, bro.

I did a tour recently

called "Around in the World
in Eight Days."

We went to, uh, Iraq,
Afghanistan, Germany, Turkey,

uh, Greenland,
Alaska, and Los Angeles.

They had to drop me off.

Iraq was crazy, you guys.

When you land in Iraq,
it's not like landing here,

you know, in El Paso,
where the plane comes in...

[imitates landing airplane]

Over there, people take shots
at the planes,

so the plane comes in like this.

Like that.

And then, at the last minute...

[imitates whooshing airplane]

Caca.

The whole plane smelled
like chimichangas.

It was terrible.

[groans]

[laughter]

That, for me, was one

of the scariest shows
of my life, man.

I'm in Iraq,
middle of the night.

Outside.

No tent.

Pitch black, helicopter flying,

and there's a spotlight on me.

[laughter]

And I'm supposed to be funny.

And I can hear...

[imitates gunfire]

[imitates rapid gunfire]

[imitates crying]

[laughter]

And the crazy part
is that I saw a sign

that was very familiar.

They have Subways in Iraq.

I was, like, "Is that?
What is that? Is that?

"It's Subway. Oh, my God!

Yeah!"

I got back to my room.

They have the stupid commercial
there too, in their language.

Oh, my God, I almost lost it.

Same one. Freaking...

♪ Hallel, hallel,
hallel, hallel ♪

♪ Hallel, hallel... ♪

[ululating]

♪ Hallel, hallel, hallel... ♪
[applause and laughter]

"Oh, my God, turn it off,
turn it off, turn it off."

[laughter]

It's crazy, man.

You know what was crazy, bro?

When I was in Iraq,

they wanted me to go
to different bases,

but they wouldn't let me go
because they have to provide you

with a helmet
and a bulletproof vest.

And apparently, the military
does not have a Big and Tall.

[laughter]

They put
that 75-pound vest on me.

It looked like
a bulletproof bib.

Like if somebody shoots
my snack, I'm okay, you know?

[imitates ricocheting]

Oh, it stopped right here.

I'm, like, "Oh, my God."

No, no, no, no.
Uh-uh.

No, man.

We flew into Korea.

That threw me off
a little bit too.

We go to check into the hotel,
and it was kind of scary for me,

because the phone had
a big sticker on it that said,

"Do not discuss
classified information.

Someone is always listening."

That's freaky,

'cause I'm calling
my girl back home, right?

[imitates phone ringing, click]
"Hello?"

"Hey, baby."

"Oh, my God, where are you?"

"I can't tell you."

[laughter]

"Oh, my God, I'm so worried."

"Don't worry, baby.
Everything's cool."

"Oh, my God, I miss you so much.
Where are you?"

"I can't tell you."

So I'm trying to give her clues,
right?

[hums Asian-themed tune]

"Germany?"

"What?"

"I'm kidding."

"Oh, thank God, honey."

"I wish you were home."

"Why?"

"If you were home right now,
we'd be in the room."

"Really?

What else?"

"And we'd be laying on the bed."

"Check you out."

All of a sudden,
I heard a voice that said...

[male voice]
"What else would you do?"

[laughter]

[man clears throat]

"I'm sorry.
Proceed. Proceed."

[imitates phone thumping
on receiver]

Blockers over there.

But I enjoyed myself, you guys.

I had a lot of fun.

I made the reference
to the police officers,

and, you know, sometimes
there's problems everywhere.

Cops used to mess with me a lot.

That's why
I love getting recognized now.

Now, they're just, like,
"Oh, it's you."

I'm like...[sighs]

[laughs]

That wasn't the case
six years ago.

I did a theater show
just like this one

in the city of San Antonio.

As soon as the show was over,

"San Antone, ¿que paso?"

As soon as the show was over,
you know,

I'm hanging out in the lobby,
taking pictures and stuff.

And then we go outside,

and I get stopped
in front of the theater

in front of my own poster.

How sad is that?
You know, freakin'...

[siren chirps]

"What are you doing?"

"Uh, standing."

"You have any ID?"

[whimpers]

[laughter and applause
and whooping]

"Keep going."

"All right!"

Oh! Now, uh-uh.

Every chance I get
to have fun with them, I will.

Last time I got stopped,

the cop came
to the car all mean.

"You know why I stopped you?"

I looked at him with
a straight face, and I said,

'"Cause I'm black."

[laughter]

"Ha, ha. Hell, yeah, man.

What's up, playa?"

He turned the flashlight on,
you guys.

[laughter]

"Get the hell out of here,
stupid."

[laughter]

"Yay. Yay."

[imitates engine revving]

Oh, and by the way, thank you

to whoever brought
the chocolate cakes in the back.

I got them
right before the show.

Thank you very much.

[applause and cheering]

Very cool.

Mm-hmm, And somebody brought
Chico's Tacos too.

I thought that was great.

[applause and cheering]
Mm-hmm.

Now, you guys here know
what I'm talking about,

but everybody that's watching
at home, they're, like,

"Chico's Tacos?
What the hell's that?"

It's an El Paso tradition.

If you come to El Paso...

[cheering, applause
and whistling]

Just know that that's,
you know, that's right here.

That's, you know...

That's the tradition
in El Paso.

I ran into people
in other places

like Chicago or New York.

I'm, like, "Where you from?"

"El Paso," and I said,
"Chico's Tacos,"

and they're like...
[gasps]

Like, wow. Yeah.

That's hardcore.

It is the craziest food
I've ever tried, you guys.

Craziest ever.

Reason is, you know,

they give you
these little taquitos,

and there's, like, a sauce,
and you pour it.

And, like, the taquitos float,
and it absorbs and...

I never thought I'd see the day
where I could drink a taco.

[laughter]

Mm.

Yeah.

And you got to have that
at the end of the night.

Don't try to freakin' plan out
events after going, you know.

Don't say, "Oh, we're going
to eat at Chico's

and then go to the movies."

No, don't do that.
Don't do that.

You'll be sitting there,
like, you know,

"Hey, this is a good movie, huh?

This is the one where
Nicolas Cage comes out and..."

[loud stomach grumbling]

"Anyway, he plays the bad guy
in this movie,

and it turns out really good."

[stomach grumbling]

Then all of a sudden...

[puffing]

[laughter]

[rumbling]

[high-pitched screech]

[laughter and applause]

[high-pitched screech]

You're running by people.

[rumbling]

They're, like... [sniffing]

"Chico's."

[laughter and applause]
Mm-hmm.

An El Paso tradition.

[applause, cheering
and whistling]

You know what's funny?

Is that a year from now,

they'll be people watching this
all over the world.

Just, like, the first DVDs
in Canada, Australia and Europe.

This DVD will wind up
somewhere in Australia.

And they'll be people
in Australia going,

"What the hell's Chico's?"

[laughter]

"Crikey, we got to go.
We got to see Chico's."

You watch, man.

There'll be people freaking out.

[British accent]
"I say, we must go try Chico's."

[laughter]

"It sounds splendid."

"Yes, it does."

"Drink a taco.

"I never thought
I'd see the day.

"I'm going to try it.

El Paso it is."

Oh, man.

But, no. I got Chico's Tacos
and cakes.

[cheering]

You know?

One night at one show,

I received 1 1 chocolate cakes.

And it was local,
so I took 'em home.

And that is an argument

that nobody in this building
has ever had

at 3:00 in the morning.

'Cause you don't just walk
into the house with 1 1 cakes.

You make some noise.

You know.

[imitates doors slamming open
and footsteps]

And I walk in
with the last two cakes,

and my girlfriend's
in the kitchen.

And she's, like,
"What the hell is this?!"

I'm trying to be cute.
"It's a bakery."

[laughter and applause]

"Where did you get
all this cake?"

I said, "Baby, the people
at the show brought it."

"Are you gonna eat all of it?"

"Eventually.

I'm not gonna do it
in one hit, you know?"

Freaking two hours later.
"Clear!"

[laughter]

"How do you know someone
isn't trying to poison you?"

"With cake?
Are you serious?"

It's, like,
you live by the cake,

you die by the cake, you know?

No.

Uh-uh.

So we're going back
and forth, right?

We wake up Frankie,

and Frankie walks
into the kitchen

at 3:00 in the morning,
and he's, all...

[mumbling]

"Where did all the cake
come from?"

"The people
at the show brought it."

"Tell 'em I said thank you."

"I'll tell 'em
you said thank you, Frankie."

"Gabriel, how come
they bring you cake?"

'"Cause ten years ago,
I did a joke where I said,

'"I love chocolate cake.'

Now people bring me cake."

"You should say
you love Transformers."

[laughter]

I'll start doing it, all right?

So my girl's, like,
"Baby, put Frankie to bed."

I go, "Frankie,
you got to go back to sleep."

[grunting]
"Want some cake?"

"Yeah."

So I grab one of these tiny
cakes that somebody brought me.

One of those little tiny ones

that has the plastic cover
and the sticker on the side.

And I handed to him.
I go, "Here."

He goes, "A little piece?"

I go, "Dude, it's a small cake.

You can have the whole thing."

And the look
that came over his face

at 3:00 in the morning
was like he got a gift from God.

[laughter]

I said, "Here,"
and he was, like....

[humming reverential
religious tune]

[applause, cheering
and laughter]

[whistling and applause]

"Take it to your room."

[singing in Latin]

[laughter and applause]

I went to go take him
to school the next morning.

He's in the bathroom crying.

[imitates sobbing]

"Hey, are you okay?"

"Oh, my stomach!"

"Your stomach?

Too much cake?"

"Yeah."

"Was it good?"

"Hell, yeah."

"I'll see you in the car."

20 minutes later,
he comes to the car,

and he's all sweaty.

[breathing heavily]

"You all right? What happened?"

"I blew it up."

"Get in the car."

[imitates engine revving]

I get him to school
45 minutes late.

Usually, when I drop him off,
you guys,

I leave him on the side
of the school,

and they have, like,
a drop-off zone

with cones and a supervisor

to make sure
that your kid gets off safely.

When you're 45 minutes late,
there's nobody there,

so I left him
in front of the school.

And apparently, that's a no-no.

You're not supposed to do that.

I didn't know, you know?

[engine purring, tires squeal]

"Go for it."

"I'm not supposed to..."

"I know, dude. Just go.
You're late. Go."

[grunting]

[door closes, squeaking]

Out of nowhere,
here comes the principal.

And I know it's the principal,
'cause he's, like,

"It's the principal!
It's the principal!

It's the principal!
It's the principal!"

"Dude, relax. I'm 30.
I don't give a damn."

Here comes the principal.

"Sir? Sir, this is not
the designated drop-off area.

"Please take your child to
the other side of the school.

You cannot leave him here."

I was, like...

[whispering]
"Watch this."

Senora...

[speaking Spanish]

[laughter]

[applause, cheering
and laughter]

"That's how you do it, homeboy.

That's how you do it."

That principal was amazing,
'cause she was, like,

"Usted no puede
dejar su hijo aqui.

"Saca la huelta a la otro lado
de Ia escueIa.

"Aya, si, si,
aqui, no, no.

"Aya, si, si, aqui, no, no.

Yo no soy pendeja."

[applause, cheering
and laughter]

Did that really happen?

Yes.

Mm-hmm.

I felt so bad 'cause when
I picked up Frankie, he's like,

"The principal yelled at me."

I'm like, "I'm sorry."

"I'm gonna tell my mom."

"No.

It's all right, dude."

We're having a good time
right now with his mom.

And it sucks, you guys,

'cause we got into a fight
that weekend.

Eh... it was not too big,

but it was, like, it was---
it could have been prevented.

My girlfriend's backing
the car up out of the driveway,

and somebody had left,
like, this---

I guess they were moving,

and they left this big box
behind the car,

and my girlfriend's backing up,

and I go,
"Baby, baby, there's a box."

"I got it."

[crashing sound]

[laughter]

Even Frankie was like,

"Mom, he told you
there was a box right there."

"Shut up!"

So we get inside the house,
and I looked at her and I said,

"What the hell is your problem?"

And sure enough,
Frankie walks up.

[whimpering
"You guys are going to fight."

I'm like, "Oh, shoot---
no, no, no, I'm sorry, Frankie.

We're not fighting."

"You're yelling at my mom."

"No, no, no, no, no,
I love your mom.

She just didn't hear me."

"You're not mad at her?"

"No, I'm not mad at your mom.

"Baby, I love you, I love you.

See, I love your mom---
I love you."

[kissing]

"I love your mom;
everything's cool.

"You want to go play
some video games or something?

Come on, I'll go play with you."
"Okay." "Okay, come on.

I'm not mad at your mom,
dude, come on, let's go.

Say bye to your mom."
"Bye, Mom."

"Come on, let's go,
come on, we're cool.

I'm not mad at her;
come on, let's go."

[mouthing]

"Come on, let's go."

See, some of you are laughing,
some are like,

"Did---
can he really say that?"

[laughing]
I snuck it in there, huh?

[sighs]

No, no fighting.

But I had to make up the fact
that I yelled at Frankie.

I go, "Frankie, whatever
you want to do, let's do it."

"Gabriel, can we go
to an arcade?"

"Arcade?

Dude, you have a Nintendo Wii
at your house."

And then I had a flashback
to 20 years ago.

[in shrill voice]
"¿Que, que? Arcade?

"Cabron, tu tienes
un Nintendo en la casa.

You have a Nintendo at home."

I'm like, "Oh, my God,
I'm turning into my mom.

Come on, dude, let's go."

[imitates engine]

I take him to this big old
freaking arcade, right?

And I felt so out of it
because I didn't know

you couldn't put money
in the machines anymore.

I'm---
Man, I remember quarters.

I'm thinking,
"Here, five bucks,"

and he's, like,
looking at me like,

"Hmm?"

"What? Go play,"

and he's like---
he came right back.

"All done."
I'm like, "Dude."

I didn't know this.

You have to go
to another machine,

put in money,
and then it gives you a card,

and then you swipe that card
to play video games.

And the game he wants to play
doesn't cost a quarter.

It costs three dollars.

A game.

Big old machine called
Dance Dance Revolution.

[light cheering]

Some of you know this game?

Yeah, maybe, sort of.

For those of you that don't know
the game, it's pretty simple.

It's a dancing game,
and there's a big screen

and then arrows come out
to music,

and whatever arrow comes out,

that's the arrow you have
to step on when it comes out.

Kind of cool,
but all the music is techno

and it's loud.

I know I'm getting older
'cause I'm like,

"They got to turn that down."

[as male announcer] "Dance
Dance Revolution Revolution.

Get ready."

And the kids are like,
"I'm ready."

"Select music."

[beatboxing techno]

[light cheering]

And that's what they dance to.

"Ready, go!"

[beatboxing techno]

[audience cheering]

"Perfect."
And the kid's like, "Whoo!"

And I'm like...
[panting]

I love this game,

but they need to have something
that's more fluffy-friendly,

so that fluffy people
and parents can hang and enjoy.

We're watching this game
for over an hour.

I told Frankie,
"Let's go play another game

and then we'll come back
when the line goes down."

"The line never goes down."

Great.

So I'm watching kid
after kid after kid.

You know, like, "Serious?

How much is it?"

"It's three dollars a dance."

"Three dollars a dance?"

And then I thought about it.

Well, I paid $20
two nights ago, so...

I guess three dollars
isn't that bad.

[laughs]

Now that I think about it.

Some of you are clapping,
some are like,

"I don't get it."

Yeah, whatever, anyway.

So kid after kid.

Then I found something out.

You can always spot that one kid
who you just know

is going to grow up
to be a little bit more...

creative...

than others
by the way he plays the game.

And all the other little kids---
they know something's up.

They're like, "You got to watch.

"When Benji plays,
you got to watch.

Watch."

Sure enough,
here comes Benji, right?

"Dance Dance Revolution.

Get ready."

[in effeminate voice]
"I'm so ready."

I'm like, "Whoa...
oh, it's on."

"Select music."

[beatboxing techno]

"Ready, go!"

This dude took off.

[beatboxing techno]

[audience cheering]

"Perfect."

"I know."

I'm like, "Wow."

Frankie's like, "I'm next."

I go, "You can't follow that.

"You better come over here and
play some Street Fighter, man.

"Let me show you
how to throw a fireball.

Get your butt over here."

Oh, my God.

I had to make it up to him
another way.

I had to take him...

to Disneyland.

I stopped going to Disneyland
a long time ago.

Because you know what?

Those roller coasters
are not fluffy-friendly.

Disney cares.

That's why there's safety there.

You know, they have
all those different harnesses.

And if you're over 300 pounds,
just stay in the parking lot.

You know, 'cause they got
the whole, you know...

[clicking]

You're fluffy, forget it.

That's why I love
a ghetto-ass carnival.

You know, those ones
they build in, like, six hours?

I can still ride
those roller coasters.

It's only one bar,
three clicks, that's it.

If it locks, good.

If it doesn't, "Hold on!"

[hissing, clicking]

Plus, fluffy people never fall.

We never fall.

You know who falls?

The skinny guy
that got stuck next to us.

[laughter]

That's who...
[screams]

More room.

[laughs]

But me and Disney, no.

No mas.

But I had to
because I messed up.

I fell asleep on the couch,
and I woke up all, you know...

[groaning]

...and Frankie was watching TV.

He goes, "Look, Gabriel,
look, Disneyland."

And I was like, "Dude,
what's the big deal, okay?

"It's Disneyland.

What, you've never gone?"

all: Aw...

- "My dad never took me."

Oh, mother...

Next morning...

[whirring]

[brakes screeching]

[hissing]

"Welcome to the magical world
of Disney."

We walk in the park;
he's all happy.

[laughs]

We get into the middle
of the park, and he's so funny.

He starts getting winded.

I thought it was hysterical
because up until then,

I only saw myself get like that,
you know.

[panting]

So to see
a little ten-year-old version...

[high-pitched panting]

[shrieks]

[laughing]
Hysterical. I was dying.

I go, "Frankie,
you want to take a break?"

"Mm-hmm, Gabriel,
this park is big."

I'm like, "See?

"It's not a small world
after all.

Like, whatever, dude, sit down."

So we're sitting down, waiting.

All of a sudden, I start getting
recognized at Disneyland,

and that, for me, was cool.

You know,
people were walking by.

[indistinct whispering]

"Fluffy, can we take a picture?"

"Sure."

[whooshing]
And then... more people.

"It's him."

"It's that guy."

"Pikachu."

Now I have, like,
ten people around me

like I'm a new character
at the park.

Best part is
Frankie starts getting annoyed.

He's like...

[groaning] "Why don't
they leave you alone?"

"Frankie, these are the people
that come to the shows.

They're the reason
why you have a PlayStation."

[exhaling]

[as Frankie]
"Thank you."

"Here, now, start taking
the pictures."

[laughs]

So I told Frankie,

"Frankie, what ride
are you going to get on?"

"Ride?"
"Yeah.

What ride do you want
to get on?"

"I don't want to get on a ride."

"What the hell are we doing
at Disneyland?"

"The commercial said
that Disneyland is

the happiest place on Earth."

"Oh, my God.

"That's IHOP.

The hell are we doing here?"

We're hanging out at IHOP, and,
you know, we started talking,

and it was kind of like a little
bonding moment because Frankie---

his dad isn't in the picture and
my dad wasn't in the picture,

so for some reason, you know,

we got a little connection
going on and it's pretty cool.

Frankie told me something,
and it got me right here.

He goes--- you know,
I'm talking to him.

I said, "Frankie," I says,

"do you ever want to, you know,
talk or see your real dad?"

And he goes,
"You are my real dad."

I was like, "Oh..."

And then he followed it up
with this---

"I want my last name
to be Iglesias."

[grunting]

And then his mom walked in.

"Me too."

They work together,
they work together.

I knew it.

It's a tag team.

[murmuring]

Whatever.

Eh, another time, I took 'em
to IHOP, you guys--- too funny.

We walk in there,
we got my buddy Noah.

We went to go eat, tore it up,
walked out into the parking lot,

and discovered
that my car had been stolen.

[audience groaning]

Yeah, uh-huh.

I was full too.
I'm like...

[groans]

"We got to walk."

My buddy Noah---
he's trying to be helpful.

He's like, "Gabriel,
don't you have OnStar?"

I'm like, "Yeah,
but it's in the car, stupid."

"Well, can't you call
the 800 number?

Maybe they can track your car."

I'm like, "Oh, shoot,
Noah, you're a genius."

So I pull out my cell phone

and my freaking, you know,
OnStar card,

and I call 'em up.

[phone rings]

[in mechanical female voice]
"OnStar.

"For OnStar service, press one.

"Para servicio en espanol,
oprima el numero dos.

To report a lost
or stolen vehicle, press three."

[beeps]

"One moment."

[imitating Chuck Mangione's
"Feels So Good" trumpet solo ]

[line rings]

"Thank you for choosing OnStar.

"This is Kim speaking.

How can I help you?"

"Kim, they just stole my car
from IHOP."

"I'm very sorry, sir.

Can I get your OnStar number?"

"Actually, Kim,
I can't read the card.

"It's kind of chewed up.

"Uh, can I give you,
like, a credit card

or Social Security
or something?"

"Sir, just give me your name."

"Okay, my name is
Gabriel Iglesias."

"Oka---"

"Hello?

"Kim?

Kim?"

"Do you spell that with an "I"?"

[cheering, applause]

[mimics thud]

[mimics ringing]

[in female voice]
OnStar.

For OnStar service press one.

Para servicio en Espanol
oprima el numero dos.

Un momento.

Por favor.

[laughter]

[applause, cheering, whistling]

[imitates trumpet playing
"Mexican Hat Dance"]

[trumpeting continues]

[mimics ringing]

"I speak Spanish too,
motherfucker!"

[laughter, applause]

I love you, El Paso.

Muchas gracias.
Thank you so much.

["Mi Gente" by Kumbia Kings
playing]

Thank you.
[cheering, applause]

♪ Sufro, siento, rio ♪

♪ Lloro, callo, grito,
con toda mi gente ♪

♪ Sufro, siento, rio ♪

♪ Lloro, callo, grito,
por que no me entienden ♪

♪ Si yo, trabajo de sol a sol ♪

♪ Si ser honesto es
mi religion ♪

♪ Yo no necesito que me digan ♪

♪ Que es lo que puedo hacer,
no no que no ♪

♪ Si yo vine de lejos
a esta tierra ♪

♪ Fue por que havia escuchado
Ia promesa ♪

♪ Que aqui yo encontraria
la manera ♪

♪ Para poder vivir mejor ♪

♪ Sufro, siento, rio ♪

♪ Lloro, callo, grito,
con toda mi gente ♪

♪ Sufro, siento, rio ♪

♪ Lloro, callo, grito,
por que no me entienden ♪

♪ Sufro, siento, rio, lloro ♪

♪ Callo, grito,
con toda mi gente ♪

♪ Sufro, siento, rio, lloro ♪

♪ Callo, grito,
por que no me entienden ♪

♪ Yo quiero que entiendan que
en mi tambien corre el sudor ♪

♪ Que yo quiero a mi tierra ♪

♪ Que ami tambien me dueIe
lo mismo que austed... ♪