Gabriel Iglesias: Hot and Fluffy (2007) - full transcript

Gabriel Iglesias is one of the fastest rising comics today! With his unique brand of humor, loveable stage presence and a wide range of voices and impressions, it's no wonder he became an instant favorite on "Last Comic Standing." Now you can see Comedy Central's "Comic of the Year" in a sold out concert performance at the historic Fox Theater in Bakersfield, California.

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Ladies and gentlemen!

From Bakersfield, California,

Gabriel Iglesias.

Thank you!

Thank you!
Wow!

Oooh!

Oh, yeah, I have no pressure.

Thank you so much, Bakersfield.

I can't thank you guys enough for making
this a completely sold-out house here..

at the Fox Theater.

Yeah, well, a lot of people around say,
Where are you gonna do your special?



When you get to do your special,
where you gonna do it?

And a couple people say,
Well, are you gonna do it in New York,

in L.A.? And I said You know, L.A.,
New York wasn't where I got my start,

In 1997, my first theater performance
was right here on this very stage.

And I know some of you are looking
at the background going,

Okay, then if he's showing
Bakersfield love,

how come he has a picture of Hawaii?

And just so you know,
that's not a picture of Hawaii,

that's a picture of the The
Bluffs here in Bakersfield.

Woo!

I love you guys, man.
I have..

I have way too many good
memories here, man,

some of them are kind of blurred
because I was...

You can't hang out seriously here.



You gotta be careful 'cause the
Police here in Bakersfield,

they don't mess around.

They will stop you for
anything, man.

They got me outside,

What are you doing?

Walking.

But I noticed something though.

If you can make a cop laugh,
they will work with you.

But you gotta really make 'em laugh.

You can't just make 'em go, Ahh.

You gotta make 'em , you know,

I made a cop laugh so hard one time,
he almost peed on himself.

I know this 'cause he told me.

He was, like, You don't understand.

I damn near pissed myself.

And here in Bakersfield, man,
it's no different, man.

I love every part of this town.
I even love Oildale.

Oh, yeah.

And for everybody watching at home,
going, What the hell is Oildale?

Yeehaw!

But I still love it, guys,
I still love it.

But yeah, man, drinking here
in town, you gotta be careful

'cause some people can handle alcohol.

You know who you are.

Some people can't.

And you have no clue.

Guys especially.
You know how it goes.

We get loaded, we turn into one
of three people.

We're either the I love you guy,

I hate you guy,

or the "Mere" guy.

You know that guy, right?

Shh, hey!

Mere.

I know 'cause that's me.

Oh my God, I can't handle alcohol.

People, when they get drunk
they say things they don't mean.

You know when I'm drunk you
hear something like

Woo! I'm going running.

You better cut me off.

Aw, hell, yeah man.

And when I drink, I only drink
like regular alcohol.

I don't do beer.
Beer just doesn't.. no.

Beer makes me talk to my body.

I don't like that.

When I get drunk on beer,
I get weird.

I'm, like..

What's the matter?

Hey! You said you could hang.

Don't talk to me there!

You talkin' shit too?

That's what I say.
You just gotta be careful, you know.

And if you're gonna drink and
you are thinking about driving,

don't do it.
It's not a good idea 'cause like I say,

You know when you're drunk.

You're doing laps in the
parking lot

and you can't find the exit.
Hello?

Some of you make it out to
the streets,

you know when you're drunk,
you're like,

Behind you you hear..

Shut up, stupid!

If you hear the magical sound

one of two things will pop
into your head.

Either, one:
I'm okay, I'm fine.

I can beat this.

Or, two:

I'm gonna go to jail.

I'm gonna go to jail!
I'm gonna go to jail!

I gotta let you go, babe.
I gonna go to jail.

Tell the kids I love them. Bye.

I'm gonna tell you right now,
again,

if you can make the Police laugh,
you have a chance.

If you do get pulled over
for drunk driving,

pull over as slowly and as
safely as you can.

Get over to the...

Now, if you know for a fact
that you are gonna go to jail,

okay, you're already.. I'm gone.

Have a little fun.

I don't mean take off on a
high speed pursuit.

No, no, no, don't do that.

'Cause you're not gonna get
very far.

I mean , if you're drunk and you
know you're gonna go to jail,

and you have tinted windows..

have a little extra fun.

Take off your seatbelt,

jump over to the passenger side,

throw your seatbelt back on
and just wait for the cop.

You have no idea how bad you're
gonna throw his ass off, you guys.

He's gonna come over to the
driver's side with a flashlight..

And you're sitting there...

He was here a second ago.

I don't know where he went.

Excuse me?
What??

Me drive?

Aw, hell no, I'm fucked up.

That's sad because I know some
of you are gonna try it.

Let's do what the fat guy said!
Do it!

And for the record, I'm not fat.
I'm Fluffy.

For those of you who still
don't know,

there are five levels of fatness.
Fluffy is one of the levels.

There's Big, Healthy, Husky, Fluffy,

and Damn!

I'm still number four.

People go,
How do you know when you're number five?

Well, 'cause people will tell you.

If you try to get on an elevator
that's crowded

and people stop you and go,

Uh-uh.

Damn!

If you go to Disneyland and
little kids want to ride.. you!

I wanna get on that one.

Damn.

Hey, I'm sorry,
little kids are too honest, man.

They're like little alcoholics.

I love Disneyland but they're
not fluffy-friendly.

They're not, man.

They care about safety, you know,

and that sucks,
'cause I could handle one bar.

One bar, I'm cool.

But now they got the whole..

If you're fluffy,
one of those is not gonna lock.

You're trying..

People are in line,
You can do it!

One time I took a trip
with my buddy Mondo.

A big guy, another big guy.

And I went with him because his family,
they decided to go

and he didn't want to be the only
one hanging out by the strollers.

So we're hanging out at the
end of the day,

my buddy Mondo goes,
Dude, we should get on a ride!

I go, Which one? We can't get on
none of them, dude, we're too big.

He goes, there's a ride here at Disneyland
that's called Splash Mountain.

I go, What is that?

He goes, It's a log and you
get inside the log

and it goes uphill, it goes down,
and makes a splash.

No seatbelt, no pull-bar.

You just get in and go.

I go, No seatbelt?
No pull-bar?

So we get in line for our ride,
we're all pumped up,

and I see people getting off the
ride with these little note cards.

I go, What are those?

He goes, oh, they take a photo
of you when you go downhill.

Oh , okay, cool.
So we get to the front of the line,

and then we have to deal with
the lady with the headset,

the lady who takes her job
way too serious.

Okay, how many people?
Four? Okay. Two here, two here.

How many, five?
Okay, three there, two there.

We get to the front,
How many peo..?

Who cares? We get our own boat.
We take off.

We're splishing and splashing
like little kids..

Three minutes go by, the moment
of truth, we get to the hill.

My buddy Mondo turns around,
he says,

Dude, let's flash the camera.

I said, You're stupid.

I'm down.

So as soon as they let us go, right?

We get off the ride,
we are soaking wet,

We're all rosado right here.

We got a mean old baby rash.

We go to buy the picture,

and there's a lady behind the counter

with her hand on the screen.

And I ask my buddy Mondo,
I said, Bro, what boat are we?

He says, 22.
I go, She's covering 22!

He goes, Oh, we better
sneak out of here.

Ho, yeah, we're gonna sneak out.

We get past the picture girl but then
we get stopped by Disney Security.

And you have not lived
until you been stopped

by a freaking man wearing a
badge in the shape of a mouse.

This guy was like, Hold on!
Hold on a second!

Ma'am, move away your hand
from the screen.

You guys see what I see here?

That's a disgrace to this park!

We can't believe anyone
could take such a photo.

My question to you guys..

Do you recognize the two big
women in this picture?

And it wasn't until we walked
over to this photo

that my buddy Armando and I realized
something about ourselves.

And that is that when two
full-grown fluffy men

are going downhill at a
45-degree angle,

with no shirts on, going like this,

we both look like sexy bitches.

But again, if you're gonna drink,
just be careful, you guys.

Some of you can handle,
and some can't..

I got kicked out of a bar on
Saint Patrick's Day.

I was performing at the bar.

How do I get thrown out, right?

I'm having fun, people are
giving me free drinks.

Here, have another drink.

I'm , like, woo!

I started pissing off the management

and the owners of this Irish
place that I was at.

The bartender's like,
Hey, buddy, relax!

Are you okay?
Are you having a good time?

I was so drunk I did this:

I'm having a great time.

People around me,
Oh my God, are you Irish?

I was, like, Aye!

They're, like,
What part of Ireland are you from?

Uh, downtown.

Are you here by yourself?

Oh, no, I'm not here by myself.

Donkey!

Now if you're not laughing, you need to get
out more often because that's a funny joke.

That's hysterical.
Ask a 10-year old, they'll tell you,

That's funny!

I did that joke one night at
Memphis, Tennessee.

And some guy thought he knew
why it was funny.

And he was way off but he
confronted me outside,

all drunk,
Hey, you! Fluffy!

I'm , like, What?

Mere.

No, you mere.

And he walks over and he says,
I have to tell you your show was hysterical.

I done near wet myself
when you said 'Donkey!'

My friend Rod didn't laugh
so I had to explain it to him

and he thinks I'm wrong
but I know I'm right.

Could yah set the record straight?

Sure, what'd you tell your friend?

Okay, look here, I told him the
reason why it was funnier than hell

when you said 'Donkey!'..

it's 'cause you're Mexican .

And you people ride Donkeys!

Normally, I woulda been all
over this guy

but two things, one, I was in
Memphis, Tennessee,

no support.

And, two, the guy was drunk.

I just don't deal with drunk people,
man, uh-uh.

When it comes to drinking and women,

ladies, when you go out,

make sure you take one guy
with you.

You need to take one guy,

even if he's..
Oh, my God!

You need one.

'Cause a group of you get together,

there's always one who will elect
herself the team captain, right?

Try to rally the troops?
Get everybody together..

Okay, look,

check it out, this is a.. shut up!

Okay, look,
this is what's gonna happen.

We're gonna take my car,
so leave your car,

my car, leave your car,
ready, ready, let's go.

They get in the car...

They get to the club...

Oh no, my purse!

They go inside the club,
they start jamming, having fun,

Oo-lah!

End of the night, that same
girl who's been the leader,

the captain, she gets more
hammered than everybody.

She's the biggest hypocrite walking,

now missing a shoe, purse,
keys, friends, car.

Look, some of you are pointing,
"That's you, bitch!"

End of the night,
she's stumbling out of the club,

I gotta pee.

Not anymore.

She's on the curb crying,
mascara's coming down her face,

I'm so wasted.

Who the hell is gonna want me now?

That's when I come out.

Wassup?

I keep coming back to alcohol.

I keep having these issues
with it.

Like, I got loaded one night,

and I don't know what happened,

I accidentally wound up at this,
um,

"Dance place".. gentlemen clubby
place, right?

I wasn't driving, it was an accident.

We pulled up to the place and...

Ahhh!

I knew where I was at.

Even when you're drunk,
you could be drunk and blind,

you know where you're at,
as long as you hear..

I walked in there and I got recognized

by one of the dancers.

You gotta call them dancers
or entertainers

or they get mad at you.
They'll get mad.

I am not a stripper.
Okay?

I am an.. entertainer.

I'm like, Nooo, I'm an entertainer.

You're a nasty.

Some girl recognizes you,
Oh my God!

I know who you are!
You're famous!

And I'm like, Oh, no.
Oh, no.

And some other dancer who's spinning
on a pole overheard "famous"

and she stops.
Just ee!

She walks over, Oh my God,
you're famous?

Can I have your autograph?

You don't even know me.

I don't care.
Sign it!

Okay, relax.

What's your name?

Diamond.

What's your last name?

Rodriguez.

To Diamond.

With all my love and affection..

Hurry up!

I got mad so I wrote..

George Lopez.

I was drunk. I didn't care.
I'm all loaded.

She freaked out, she's like..

Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!

You're George Lopez!

I can't help it, you guys,

I was so drunk I did this,
I said:

I know, ha.

Ey! Ey, cabrona!
Why you crying?

Why you crying?
(Spanish)

("She's crazy.")

I won't lie to you guys,
George knows I do that.

I don't think he likes it.

I've done that to a couple of
other people, you know,

I did that to Paul Rodriguez,
and Paul was cool.

Paul was really cool about it.
He was, like, you know,

Hey, I heard there's a guy out there

who knows how to talk like me.
Is that you?

I said, yeah, that's me.

That's purty good!

I said, I know, ha.

Hey, can you do Mencia?

Da-da-daa!

Da's how you do it!

Now, Carlos knows I do that,
and he gets mad at me 'cause he goes

You gotta do it.. better!

No, sometimes I use my voices
for evil, man, I won't lie.

If I don't have my way, like,

when I go to drive-thrus,
and they screw up my order,

oh, I'm evil.

I go back around and I start ordering

but I throw them off by doing this.

They'll come on the speaker:

Welcome to Fantastic Burger,
how can I help you?

I'll do this:
Hello, sir?

Hi!

Can I please have a double cheeseburger,

an order of fries and a shake?

Double cheeseburger,
order of fries and a shake.

Oh, my God! Yes!

Thank you, pull up to the window.

Then I pull up.
Oh, they're not expecting.. me.

Oh, the look on their face is
the best, right?

Did you just order?

They come back with a bag of food,

Um, would you like ketchup?

That's where I let 'em have it.

Oh, my God, yes!

Hell, yeah, man.

Oh, by the way, before I forget,

I know I have a habit on my shows

of sometimes throwing a little
Spanish in there.

If you don't understand Spanish,
I do apologize, okay?

I promise I will be translating.

I don't want anybody freaking out

or reporting me to the management
with concerns or issues, you know.

What the hell is going on in there!

What kind of show is this?

Now somebody better hit the
SAP button

on that son of a bitch real quick!

I didn't pay good money to hear
some Samoan speak Spanish.

I'm not Samoan, I'm.. Fluffy.

I didn't know why the guy thought
I was Samoan , you know.

And I've had this happen a couple
times where people go, Are you Hawaiian?

Why, no.
It's not just the shirt.

I thought it was just the shirt but no,
how can it just be a shirt?

Just because you wear a freakin' sombrero,
that doesn't make you Mexican.

I see white people wearing a sarape,

walking a donkey with a sombrero,

you don't look at 'em and go,
Hola, amigo.

No, you're like, Hey, Ted. Hi.

You know, and he's walking
around Hola. Come on.

Come on, stupid donkey. Donkey!
Come on.

I don't get it, man.
But it's funny though.

I didn't know why the guy
thought I was Hawaiian

until I actually went to Hawaii,

I found out that Hawaiian people
actually look like swollen Mexicans.

They do! I got off the plane,
I looked around, I was, like,

Oh, my God!
My family!

Even they were, like, Aloha brother...

Orale!

I loved Hawaii.
Hawaii was great, man.

They have a lot of different
cultures there.

They have a lot of Asian people.

A lot. A lot of Koreans.

I know this because I got
a couple of shirts tailored

at some places,

and every time I go in,
there's always a Korean lady.

An older Korean lady.
Who was mean.

I'd walk in and this one lady
always had a comment to make.

I'm there for a week

and every day she had a
different comment.

I walk in one day and,
I couldn't say anything either

'cause she was 75 years old.

I can't say nothing back.

But there I am, walking in.

The lady behind the counter,

Ohhh!

Oh, looka who's here.

Looka who's here.

Ohhh, shit, we gonna worka
hard today.

Whatever.

Don't make fun of me.

But I can handle it, you know.

I can handle it.
People say,

Gabriel, you go up there and
you make fun of yourself.

No, I don't.

I come up here and I tell you the
things that I heard people say.

There's a difference.

Sometimes I set myself up for
jokes and I don't realize it.

Three years ago, I bought a Beetle.

Not even thinking.

That's not the joke, shut up.

See, I can't even tell you
guys a story.

Hmm.

I wasn't thinking,
I bought the car

'cause it was affordable,
economical, brand new

freakin' Beetle for, like,
17 grand.

I was, like, first new car.

I go to show it off at my
friend Martin's house.

I thought it was nice,
I pull up, you know,

Martiiin!

He lives in the Hood,
I don't get out of the car.

Across the street there are
these gang members,

they don't really get into shooting
people and stuff like that,

they just hang out on the porch
and talk a lot of smack.

So I'm there in the Beetle and
across the street I hear this,

I'm, like, Martiiin!

And over here, I hear..

Orale.

Hey, what's up, guys?
How's it going?

How'd you get in there ese.

Hurry up, Martin!

Two months later,
I go back to pick him up.

Now I've had some time
to work on the car,

I put some rims on it, some stickers,

I put a chip in the motor
so it goes faster.

I thought I was bad , right?
I pull up,

Martiiin!

Orale!

Uh-uh, I'm not turning around.

Hey.

Uh-uh.

Hey.

I don't see you.

Yoo-hoo!

Hey!

What!!

Check it out, hey,
it's the fat and the furious.

I didn't even wait, man.

I got rid of that car, man.

I traded it in and got
myself a big old SUV.

It was nice for a while.

This car freakin' sucked on mileage.
I got 11 miles to the gallon.

Oh, you cannot be bad-ass in
a car

that kills gas like I kill tacos,
you can't.

You can't be at the stoplight
trying to intimidate other cars,

What? What, what, what?

Twenty bucks right there.

Hell, no.
But it was kind of cool.

It had a GPS navigational
system in it.

An OnStar which is really cool.

I'm driving , and all of a sudden
this girl's talking to me,

Right turn, up ahead.

Whoa.

At three quarter tenth
of a mile, left turn.

And I'm, like,
Whatever you say, baby.

Being a big guy, I've noticed
that people feel compelled

to tell me certain things
after shows.

I get people that'll pull me aside and go,
Gabriel, you're a very funny guy,

you're very talented,
don't you think, perhaps,

you're living a little excess
in life?

And I'm like, Well, I love to eat.

Well, don't you want to live
to be a hundred?

Well, not if I can't eat tacos.

Or as many as I want.

A lot of people think that just
because you work out and lift weights,

and you eat right and you do
what people tell you to do,

that you'll live a long life.
Maybe you will,

but, you know, why do people
measure life by the years

instead of how good the years were?

I'll measure by freakin'..
you know what I mean?

What good is it to live to be
a hundred

but you didn't do anything?

You didn't go out and kick it
with friends,

go out and get drunk at some club

and wake up in an alley at
one time?

You know?

What good is it?
You stayed in the house and you were safe.

And I lived to be a hundred.

You know, I don't know.

That's why, I, um,
I have a very big amount of respect

for the crocodile hunter,
rest in peace, but,

come on, you guys, yeah,
he died at 44 years old, but,

he died doing what he loves
to do.

Not a lot of people can say that.

If I die tomorrow from overeating,
hoo-hoo,

God bless me, that's exactly
how it was supposed to be.

You know how much adrenaline
he had?

Every single day, risking his life,

you know how you feel when
you're about to cross the street

and a car..

and your ass almost gets hit,

and you're like..
Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! and then you're hysterical.

Oh, my God!
I almost died.

Touch me. Touch me right here.
Oh, my..

And the rest of the day,
you appreciate life,

looking at the birds or the sky,

You're loving life.

He did that every day.

That's why every day I try to live

just a little bit of my life like
I might not be here tomorrow.

'Cause you never know.
I don't wanna die tomorrow

knowing I coulda had a piece
of cake tonight.

Sure. That's why people tell me

Why don't you work out?
Why don't you lift weights?

What if I'm gonna die tomorrow?

I don't want to die sore.

I wanna die full.

When the coroner cuts me up,

I want the whole room to
smell like potato wedges.

And he's gonna go,
This guy knew how to live, right here, man.

Good times.
But again, the crocodile hunter,

I give him a lot of love,
a lot of credit but people go,

It's such a loss to
the nature community,

you know, he taught us so
much about nature.

And I got mad when I heard
this lady on TV

saying that he taught us a
lot about nature

and it was, like, No, he didn't
really teach a lot about nature,

if you want to learn about nature,
you watch Discovery channel

or one of these nature programs
where they have a guy on safari

and he's studying from afar.

Crocodile hunter, no.
Come on, every episode,

Hey, how you doin'?

Look over there, right there.

It's a "toiger."

That toiger weighs 800 pounds and
it could kill a man in 10 seconds.

I'm gonna touch it.

Hi, tiger.

Ow, he's angry!
He's angry.

Next episode, There's a king cobra,

the most venomous snake in
all the planet.

One "boite" and I'm dead.

I'm gonna pick it up.

He's angry!

If he really wanted people to
think he was out there, man,

America, we should've borrowed him,

and sent him to Iraq.

With no gun, just a camera crew.

Do you imagine how bad that
woulda freaked out the enemy?

You're a freakin' soldier working for
Al-Qaeda and you're out there, you know,

And he's walking toward him
wearing shorts,

Crikey!

What is crikey?
What the hell is crikey?

And he's walking up to him, Hey!
Look over there,

It's an Al-Qaeda member.

An Iraqi soldier,

one of the most dangerous
creatures in all the planet.

One push of a button and I'm gone!

I'm gonna poke him with a stick.

He's angry!

I think he's still angry.

Yeah, man , this country,
I love living here in the United States.

I can't think of anywhere
else I'd want to live.

Some people say,
Well, you're Mexican.

Wouldn't you rather live in Mexico?

Uh...

I love Mexico, just visiting,
just visiting.

I like it right here.

That's why it kind of bothers
me whenever people go,

What is it like being a Latino comedian?

I go, I don't know, I'm a
comedian who happens to be Latino.

What's the difference?

The difference is my special will air
on Comedy Central, not Telemundo.

It's hard, you guys, you know.

("Spanish.")

You speak a little Spanish,
it freaks people out.

Oh my God, he's speaking Spanish.

Don't get me wrong, I like
watching Spanish programming myself.

Some of the stuff is really cool.

My favorite thing are the commercials

because they're always about sex.

You don't even know what the
product is

until like the last two seconds.

It's always some model
walking out all sexy,

Hola.

("Oh, how rich.")

And on the 28th second,

Pepsi.

And you're sitting there, going,
I gotta go get a Pepsi.

Oh ho yeah!
Oh my God!

I have a thing for soda,
I love it, man.

I know they gave me water but..

Oh, a soda!

I didn't even see that right there.

Excuse me, un momento.

Pepsi.

No, that's actually diet,
which is cool.

I'm not on a diet,
and it's funny because people go,

Why then do you drink diet soda?

So I can eat regular cake.

I love cake, man, are you kidding?

By the way, I wanna thank the three
people who brought me a cake personally.

I have them in the back.
I really appreciate it.

That was very nice of you.

The management and the promoters
are freaking out there, like,

Gabriel, why do they
all bring you cake?

I go, Because on TV I talked about
one time how much I love cake.

And so people bring it.

My friend Mondo got mad,
He's, like,

Why don't you talk about hookers?

Somebody asked me earlier too,
they said, Gabriel,

when you get to do your special, are
you gonna do anything about the country,

are you gonna talk about politics?

Well, I'm gonna talk first of all
about how I love this country,

and I wouldn't want to live
anywhere else.

I know that half the world right now
thinks that our leader is the Devil

and most of us would agree.

He's not.. yeah.

I don't have to make fun of
the president.

He does it by himself.

Okay?

He does it by himself.

Every time he comes on TV, I can't
wait to hear what he has to say.

Especially during press conferences,

Mr. President. Question.

It's been over a year.
What is your plan for Katrina?

Ha! We're gonna find her.

That's right.

And we're gonna bring Katrina
to justice.

We have every reason to believe
Katrina is connected to Al-Qaeda.

Qaeda, Katrina, they both
start with a "K."

Our president got elected.
I didn't vote for him,

but then again, I didn't vote
for the other guy either.

I was just, like...

How Bush won is beyond me.

Americans, we love to vote but
we don't vote for Presidents.

We vote for things like
American Idol.

Because that's fun.
Voting for presidents is not fun.

Voting for American..
Shebang! Shebang!

That's what they should do for presidents.

Just put both guys on TV for
one hour,

call it something catchy like
"Who's Gonna Run This Bitch?"

You put 'em on TV for an hour,
let 'em argue 30 minutes into the special,

you put an 800 number on the screen,
and say "Cast Your Vote."

You've reached the presidential hotline.

For George Bush, press three.

John Kerry, press four.

Other options, press five.

You don't like either one?
Press five.

Please hold.

I knew you'd be back.

That's right.
You know you miss your daddy.

Oh, yeah. I'm such a dork.
I don't care.

But I have fun though.

One thing you guys definitely
made possible

is I have the ability now to
travel and I never did that.

I never used to travel until
I became a comedian.

I'm, like, Oh my God , there's
a whole other world out there.

When I was hanging out in Florida,

I got a chance to experience an amusement
park that was a little different.

It was an alternative park
called Gatorland.

It's a real park,
and I've met the owners

and they're really cool people
but I gotta tell you:

best part about this amusement park

is they have a recording the
funniest thing I've ever heard.

You call this park,
this is what you hear.

Yeehaw!

You've reached Gatorland,
America's premier gator extravaganza.

You've seen 'em on TV, now come
and see 'em live. Gatorland.

You're gonna love this park.

Then he says this:

Fer Spanish, press two.

Oh . I gotta hear this.

I don't speak Spanish but
you're gonna love this park.

I was dyin'!
I called him like ten times.

Aw, it's the best.

I'm starting to sweat a little bit, huh.
Too sexy, arrr.

I don't care though,
I have a lot of fun, you guys.

You guys have made a lot of
things possible.

At the beginning,
when I first started,

coming here to Bakersfield,
to the Fox Theater,

I used to go to this taco place,

up the way called Taco Loco..

And it's still there.

I love food on wheels, you know.

But this taco place has taken
it to the next level.

They're really really good there,

they're not paying me nothing,
I'm just talking about 'em ,

but I go to order and these
guys were kinda, you know..

the girls were cool but the
guys were mean.

I try to order some food,
I'm like..

Hello?

And the guy is like,
("What happened,") gordo wha' you want?

Wha' you want??

Oh, hey, dude, can I get two tacos,
chicken and a Coke?

Okay. What else?

That's it.

Tsk, awww.

Whatever, dude.

But we had a lot of fun.

We got to promote on a lot of
different radio stations

here in town to get the word
out to you guys about the show.

They try to get me set up
on the Spanish radio stations

and I've done that in the past

and it was okay.

But the last few times
I had to say no

because they put me on the radio
with a guy who's like "from" Mexico.

And I can speak Spanish

but you put me up against somebody
from the Motherland, hoo!

I walk in the studio,
I'm dealing with this one guy, right?

We go on the air and he's like

(Spanish)

("What happened! What happened!
What happened!")

I meet that same guy in the hallway,

he sounded just like that.

Oh, hey, how's it goin'?

("What happened?!")

Are we on the air?

No!!

Why are you talking like that?

("Because if!!")

And I freaked out 'cause you
imagine this guy

goes home talking like that
to his wife and his kids?

Come two, three o'clock
in the morning,

his wife maybe wants to do a
little "something"

and she tells her man,
Honey, tonight,

when the kids are sleeping,
what are you going to do to me?

("What will you do me?")

("Take off your shorts
to see that cuuulote!")

Si. Si. Si. Si.

("It is presented by Pepsi!")
Sì...

I know somebody who doesn't speak Spanish
is gonna go home and try it tonight.

Sì.

You better stop that.

Sì...

Just have a little fun.

Like I said , you guys, I wasn't
sure what was gonna happen.

A lot of things have been
happening over the years.

This past year I had the opportunity

to be on a reality show and things
kind of worked out a little weird.

Well , but hey, all I can say
is the winner is the winner,

and he did what he did,
and he got what he got.

But hey, this ain't bad for
sixth place, is it? Huh?

Yeah, I'm not the last comic standing,

but I'm the only one with
a Comedy Central Special.

I know my mom is here tonight.

She's like.. (Spanish).

I love my mom. She's over here,
you guys. Just say hi to her.

Mom.

Right there.

That little woman made me.

And she tells everybody,
No, he came out of here.

Ay, hombre,
this is the road to success.

She is not shy.
She cracks me up though, man.

She likes what I do because
it's working,

but she still doesn't get the jokes.

It's not that she doesn't
speak English,

'cause she speaks perfect English.

She just doesn't see me as a comedian.

She sees me as her son.

I can't tell her a joke 'cause
then she questions it and kills it.

I could tell her something, like,
Mom, why did the chicken cross the road?

And I'll get, Who let out the chicken?

It's a joke.

It's no joke, baboso, you know
how much I pay for those chickens?

Never mind.

No, you never mind.

It's cool, though, man.

She's seen me do a lot of things.

A lot of people say, well you gave
your mom a shot, what about your dad?

Well, he's not in the picture.

My father, um, ha,

let's put some beans out there,
my father was a Mariachi.

Way.. I swear to God.. he was one
of those straight-up you know,

And my mom hooked up with him
about 30-plus years ago one night,

and nine months later, tan-tan,
and I came out..

So I have a vague memory of
my father.

I knew him until
I was about maybe four years old.

And then apparently they got
the band back together

and he took off.

I don't remember exactly
what he looks like,

and sometimes I'll take my mom
out to dinner

and I'll go, Mom, I don't mean to bug
you about this, what does he look like?

Do you have any photos I can
get and idea and stuff?

And my mom, she's funny,
she grabs a hot sauce.

He looks like that.

That's funny, ("true?")
("That is funny, right?")

He look just like that.

For those of you that don't know,

there's a picture of a Mariachi
on the bottle of hot sauce.

So, yeah, we're doing okay.

Somebody asked me, they say,
Well, on your first special

that you got to do, you kept
talking about this guy,

this friend of yours named Felipe.

Is he a real person?

He is a real person.

And he's an old friend.
Known him forever.

But he's one of these comedians who
doesn't know when to stop being funny.

And that's why it's hard sometimes
to hang out with the guy,

'cause you know,
I know when to quit.

Especially around cops,
when I hear.. the joke is over.

If I hear... you get an apology.

My friend didn't know
when to draw the line

and we were hanging out one day and
sure enough a freakin' cop got mad,

Oh, you think it's real funny, huh?

You think it's easy to be a police officer?
You see that scar?

I got stabbed in '92.

See that?
Bullet wound, '96.

What do you got to say about that?

And I was, like, I have nothin'
to say about that.

And my friend, Felipe,
is, like, Oh, yeah?

What are you doin'?

Fool, watch this.

What are you doin'?

He grabs my shirt, pulls it up,
tells the cop,

Fool, you see those stretch marks?

Doughnuts, 1996.

I said , Dude,
he's gonna kill us.

I know, fool, but it was funny, huh?

And speaking of that, I get
pulled over by a cop one night,

two minutes after coming out of
a Krispy Kreme drive-thru. Alright?

Don't get ahead of me, watch, I made
a left turn instead of making a right

but I wasn't paying attention

'cause I had a box, I was, like,

Oh, you're gonna get
it when you get home!

Oh, you've been so bad.

So.. you're gonna get it.

I'm not paying attention,
I go the wrong way, right?

Sure enough..

Ohhh!

I pull over.

Mm.

Later.

I'm sitting there patiently waiting
and the cop is taking forever.

I said, The hell with this,
he's taking too long.

I grab my box,
I put it on my lap,

I flipped it open, right?
And..

Oh, I was gonna get nasty.

And just as I was about to
tear it up,

the cop gets to the window
and says the same thing

that they all say, right?

You know why I stopped you?

It was too easy.

I looked at him and I said,

'Cause you can smell it.

Oh, he was dying, Son of a bitch!

Whatever, he let me go, man.

So you just gotta be careful.

If you can make a cop laugh,
you got a chance.

This past year,
I got to experience something else.

I experienced my first Raider game.

Now, uh..

hey, listen you guys,

it takes a lot of nerve
for me to say

that after the season
that happened last year

that I'm a fan.
And I became a fan last year.

You can hate it if you want,
but you know what?

Not only did I become a fan,

I did a show in Oakland.

And I made a couple of jokes
and references about the team.

And apparently there were two
players in the audience.

I didn't know that.

Maybe that's why they lost.
They shoulda been at home, practicing.

But there were two there.

And they confronted me outside.

They were big guys like so,
You got a problem with the Raiders, son?

I'm, like,

They grabbed me, picked me up,

and pinned me against the wall.

Oh, my God.

Luckily, they fumbled me and
I got away.

And people go, How do you come
up with your material, Gabriel?

How do you come up with the
things you're gonna say?

Things happen to me and then
instead of just going to a shrink,

I suck it up and I come up here

like when I did the joke about
the freakin' Volkswagen,

I really used to own a Volkswagen.

I didn't just go,
Let me see if this is funny.

I had a Volkswagen.

No, I lived it.

People go, Why do you wear
Hawaiian shirts?

I've always worn Hawaiian shirts.

Bottom line is simple.

Why do I wear 'em?

'Cause they fit.

They're colorful, and I'm sorry..

When you wear a Hawaiian shirt
and you're living in the ghetto,

people don't think you're up
to no good.

You're not a gang member
wearing a Hawaiian shirt.

Nobody's gonna take you serious,
you know?

Where you from?

Oh, Honolulu, eh.

You can't be hard and colorful.
Uh-uh.

No way, man.

And believe me,
I've had my encounters.

I had a little encounter
one time on a plane.

Some guy was getting a little weird,

and I'm like, Uh-uh,
no more for me.

Every time I get on a plane,
there's always drama. Always.

One time I'm flying to Florida and
our plane got hit by lightning. Uh-huh.

The plane drops 600 feet
straight down .

That was better than any ride
you've ever been on.

I don't care who you are,

you could've been freakin'
doin' 20 years in prison,

you killed a hundred people,

you can be the baddest toughest
dude ever.

When you're in a plane and it
just drops out of the sky,

Woo!
I was gay for five seconds.

I'm not gonna lie!

Oh, I was a brokeback Mexican,
yes, I was.

I was in touch with myself.

It was funny, man.

Before I go, I got one more
good story to tell you.

I took a road trip about a
year ago

after I got rid of the Beetle

in the SUV.
Took a road trip from LA to Phoenix

to go perform at this club.

Let me tell you who was in
the car.

I'm driving,
I got my buddy Armando riding shotgun.

He's another Fluffy guy,
we call him Sexy Bitch.

Well, I don't call him that,
his wife calls him that.

He's a sexy bitch!

Anyway, in the back seat
I got my friend, Martin.

Next to him is my friend, Felipe.

So we take off..

we're on the 10 freeway,
we're passing all these Indian casinos..

Sorry, we're stupid like that.

Anyway, all of a sudden all
these cars start passing me.

I'm getting annoyed 'cause I'm
driving a...

I said, Next car that tries to
pass me, I'm not gonna let 'em.

So I'm looking in the rear view mirror,
waiting, looking, waiting, waiting,

and I see a silver dot.
The silver dot turned out to be

a little car with two hoochies
in it.

Some of you guys are going,
How do you know they're hoochies?

'Cause my friend Martin was in
the back seat going,

I feel a disturbance in the force.

They try to go around and I
cut 'em off.

I'm having fun,
they're back there...

Whatever!

My friend Felipe is in the
back seat yelling at me,

Fool, what are you doing?

Dude, don't worry, I'm having fun.

Gabriel, you're gonna get
pulled over.

Dude, I'm okay, it's cool.

We're arguing, going back and forth,

I'm not paying attention.

I don't see a California highway
patrol officer creeping up on us.

All of a sudden I hear...

I look at the speedometer:
one oh two.

Oh, I freaked out.

I pulled over.

The little car that was behind
me with the two hoochies,

they got pulled over because
they were going just as fast,

I'm in the front seat of my car,
freakin' out.

Oh my God, I'm gonna go to jail.

I'm on the verge of tears.

From the back seat,
I hear my friend Felipe..

Fool, what are you cryin' for?

What are you cryin' for, fool?

You're not the one with weed
in his pocket, are you?

You have drugs in the car?

I told you to slow down,
didn't I?

But no! Picachu knows everything.

Shoot!
Everybody roll down your windows.

Air out the car. Mondo, fart.
Do something, man.

The cop walks over to the window,

looks in, sees my face,
recognizes me from TV,

he's, like, Hey,
I know you, you're a comedian.

Yeah, you're that guy from
Comedy Central .

You're the guy that does that joke
about his friend at a hotel

and you crank-call him and you
call him a dirty Mexican,

and then you go
"But it was funny, huh?"

Oh, I love that joke.
That one and when you go,

Chocolate cake!

Ohh, I love that joke!

I hate to do this to you but
we got two cars involved.

I need your license and registration.

Okay, here you go.
Here you go.

So he takes my info, goes back to
the car with the two girls in it,

the whole time he's back there,
I tell everybody in the car,

Check it out!
He just recognized me from TV!

Maybe if we have some fun with him,
crack some jokes,

maybe he won't take the car.

I don't care if I get a ticket,
but as long as he doesn't take the car.

Mondo, be silly, crack a joke.
Martin, be funny.

Felipe.
What, fool?

Shut the hell up!

So the cop comes back to the car,
What the hell were you doing out there?

Before I could think of something
funny to say,

from the back seat I hear,

Fool, he was testing the suspension.

Oh, my God.
This pothead's gonna get me arrested.

Officer, I'm sorry,
that's my friend, Felipe,

that's the guy from the special,

the guy who says
"But it was funny, huh?"

He's just trying to get me in trouble.
I'm really sorry.

Whatever.

So he goes back to his squad
car with my driver's license,

and he's swiping it in a computer.

The whole time he's doing that, he's being
yelled at from the back seat of my car.

Hey, officer, thank
God you have a computer!

Last week we got stopped in Mexico,
that fool had a Rolodex.

The cop starts dying.

I go, Oh, we got him going,
we got him going.

I told my buddy Mondo,
Give me my CDs.

I take out my Bad Boys II soundtrack,

and I pop it in, track three
is the theme song to Cops.

I tell my friend, Felipe,
Tell me when the cop starts walking.

Okay, fool, here he comes.

I crank that song as loud as
I could.

Ha! Bad boys, what you, what you,
what you gonna do.

Best part, now the cop is
walking to the beat.

Even better than that,
the two hoochies in the car

can hear the music and they're
freakin' out.

They're, like, Oh my God,
we're gonna be on TV!

The cop goes to the girls,
gives them a ticket, lets them go.

Looks at our car and at this point,
we're halfway through the song,

we're, like,

♫ Police no give
Me no break ♫

Got our arms out the window
like a bunch of idiots.

The cop is in the middle
of the freeway, dying.

He walks over to the window
and he's like,

Shut it off!

Yes, sir.

Hands me my license and the registration,
and he tells me,

Gabriel, I want you to do me
a big favor,

I want you to keep this
tank under a hundred.

You think you can do that?

Uh-huh.

Do that for me,

keep on doing what you do,

and you have yourself a nice day.

But, but, that's it?

No ticket?

No ticket.

I don't know what possessed me
to look at this man

and go, Why?

How come the girls got a ticket?

And he tells me the coolest thing,

he says, 'Cause they couldn't
make me laugh.

Woo-whee!

You don't understand, Gabriel,

I've been on the force
now for 26 years.

This is hands-down the funniest damn
traffic stop I've ever been a part of.

Do you have any idea how hard
it is to give two sluts

a ticket while listening to Cops?

I damn near pissed myself I
was laughing so hard.

This is going in the books as
one of the funniest things

that ever happened to a police officer,
I swear to God.

The only story better than
this one

is a buddy of mine pulled over
some fat guy

that gave him doughnuts.

So he starts walking away,
and just as I'm about to start the car,

So does that mean I can keep
my weed?

I turn around to yell
at my friend ,

Too late, the cop is at the window,

You wanna run that by me again, son?

You heard what I said, fool.

Oh, you think this a big joke,
don't you?

You think that just because I
gave your buddy here a break,

I know who he is,
I like what he does,

I don't know you,
I don't like you.

Step out of the car.

I turn around and my friend
Felipe is, like,

Whooo. I am so scared.

And the cop pulls out his gun,

I'm freakin' out, Oh my God!

Back seat, my friend, Felipe:

Whooo. Whooo.
I am so scared.

Fool, he is good.
He is good.

Then he points it at him.

The look on my friend Felipe's face,

Priceless!

Are you serious?
Are you serious?

I'm a-go to jail?

The cop was like..

Nah, but that was funny, huh?

I love you, Bakersfield!
Thank you!

We're gonna bring

Gabriel back out to answer
some questions for you.

You guys wanna bring Gabriel
back out?

Ladies and gentlemen, coming
back to the stage, Gabriel Iglesias.

Thank you, Martin.

You pulled it off bro, congratulations.

I needed that the first time I..
well, never mind.

They want to ask you some
questions, uh,

Who we got first?

This is a little different
something we decided to do

because there's gonna be a DVD
release with special features

we figured why not,
sometimes people do things

and sometimes people
wanna know information

and rather than go on the Internet,
you can ask the source.

So, here's you guys' opportunity,

anything you guys wanna ask me,
go for it.

What's your name, homey?

My name is Danny.

Where you from?

Visalia, California.

Visalia in the house!

Go ahead, Danny.

This past summer I got on a rollercoaster,

when I sat down, it went click,
click, click.

How many'd you get?

Dude, I'm beyond clicks now.
I don't even get on.

Like six years ago, bro,
I could still go to Disneyland,

and lean on... Now, I'm older,
I hang out by the strollers.

What's your question, Patricia?

How does your family feel
about your success?

Um, some of the family thinks
that I'm doing pretty good.

My mom is happy 'cause she's
got a car and it's paid for.

There are some members of the family
that think I've gone Hollywood,

and I'm like, Okay.

Some of the family members
are really cool about it,

and some are just kinda you
know, hmmm.

I love them all, but, you know,
hey, whatever.

Not everybody can get a check.

Hey, how you doin'?

What's your name?

Julia!

I know Julia.

You guys go back, eh?

Way back.

Like that?

Like that.

My question is to you,

I know you're making fun of me for
having the runs and going to pee,

and I know you have a girlfriend,
I saw her, very pretty,

but will you please marry me,
my fluffy bunny?

"Fluffy bunny?"

Wow.

Girl, my girlfriend's gonna jump
you and my mom's gonna help.

Take one for the team.

Thank you, though.

Bye, now.

Woo!

Juan, Mexican name.

Yeah.
("What happened.")

How you doin', bro?

Who's your favorite stand-up
and have you ever met him?

My favorite stand-up comic,
Robin Williams,

and I met him last year.

Yeah.
Thank you, man.

What I was curious about is how
you come up with your material.

How do I come up with material?

Uh, some people have writers,

some comics are writers,

I don't know how to sit down
and come up with funny stuff

and then come out here and try
to perform it.

I usually react to things that
are happening,

like people getting up,
walking to the bathroom, baboso.

And it's still the same guy, too.

Things happen to me on a daily basis,
and I find a way

to make them funny, like,
for example,

sometimes at night, when I go to
a drive-thru and they mess me up,

I like to go back in line again,
and mess with them.

Like when they come on the speaker,

Welcome to McDonald's,
how can I help you?

I'll just start messing with them.
I'll do like a girl voice and go,

Oh my God, hi!

You don't just write that,

it's kind of a spur of the
moment type of thing.

Then I come up here and tell
the story.

Everything you hear me talk about on
the shows is usually a real story.

How are you handling success?

How am I handling it?

I'll let you know when this airs.

I'll let you know when the
DVDs come out

to see if I hang...

Honestly, bro,

I don't know how you would say
how you're handling it,

I don't forget where I'm from,

that's exactly why I wanted to
do the special here

because it was a..
10 years later type of thing.

I still have my original best friend

from way back in the day when
I didn't have comedy.

When I would go spend
Christmas at his house.

And I have people that love
me and care about me

whether this happens
or doesn't happen.

My brother will still let me
sleep on his porch.

So, it's going good, man.

Stay true to your roots.

Thank you, bro.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is
a guy by the name of Fast Freddy.

Fast Freddy has been coming
out to see my shows

for what, a good three, four years?

2000 you opened up for Weird
Al Yankovic in San Diego.

What year was that?

Two thousand.

So for six years, you have
successfully stalked me.

And made it to the special.

This guy right here,
is one of the greatest fans

any entertainer could ever
ask for.

And he's just been a really
really nice guy.

We did a show in Denver, Colorado,

and he had his entire family
reunion come to the show.

And any time I said his name,
they're like,

But no, honestly dude,
I appreciate your coming out tonight,

and I'm gonna see to it you
come out on the DVD,

and you can burn it, make copies
and give it to your friends

and sell it at the Swap-Meet.

But I really appreciate you and your
wife always coming out to the shows.

Man, you've shown a lot of love

and I appreciate you showin'
the Hawaiian shirt.

Oh, yeah.

But what's your question, bro?

You've been all over the
nation, performing.

Where have been some of your
favorite places to perform?

I don't wanna kiss butt
but mmm, one of them.

Yeah.

Uh, some favorite places
have been like, um,

Phoenix, Arizona, San Antonio, Texas,

Houston, Texas, uh,
Florida, all over Florida.

Miami. New York.

I've had a lot of fun places.

One of the most interesting
was in Canada.

I performed for Canadians. Eh.

They say "eh" more than gang members.

How you doin', eh?

Orale, eh.

I love performing everywhere.

There are some places that I'd
rather not go back,

I won't mention them in case
they sell the CD and DVD there.

What's your name?

Salvador.

SaIvador!
It's like a soap opera name.

("Where are you going?
Who you are?")

Salvador.

Just messin' with you, bro.

My question is,
what's your mom's favorite dish

that she taught you how to make
or not?

My mom's favorite dish,
that she would cook?

Yeah.

Uh, Jack In The Box.

Drive-thru.

See, my mom, yeah, she's Mexican,
but she ole school Mexican,

she didn't even wanna cook.

When I was a little kid,

my mom would go play bingo,
she still plays it

and she'd come home at like
one o'clock at night,

and I'm like Mom, I'm hungry.

Let's go.

We'd go hit a Jack In The Box
and it became a routine.

When I was a little kid,
I used to be like this,

then, years later, Jack In The Box.

Mom, what's your favorite dish?

Tamales!

Oh, she's getting mad, Tamales!

Yeah, 'cause she'd make 'em
once a year for Christmas

and make me cook 'em with her,

I'm tying the pinche tamales,
I'm holding..

("Tie them up!")

I couldn't take a bath because there's
a bunch of freakin' corn husks

in the tub because she's
letting them soak.

I smell like culo but she
don't care.

I have to make tamales!

Hey, Nick, what's your question?

What's your favorite joke?

What is my favorite joke?

Oh, that's a good question.

Donkey!

I know it's not exactly a joke

but it makes me laugh every
time I say it.

Hey! I actually told a joke,
it's not even a clean joke,

my very first joke that I told,

when I was 10 years old,

I did a show at my elementary school,

I went up on stage and I said this,

I said,

I said,
Why did the chicken cross the road?

And the whole crowd
said, Why?

And I said,
To check out the chicks.

My name is Philip.

It's not really a question,
I just wanna say thanks,

I'm just out of the Marine Corp
and I'll tell you what, man,

you brought a lot of laughter
to us out there.

So I just want to say
thanks to you.

You kept us alive through some
rough times.

So thanks a lot, brother.

I appreciate it, man.
I'm glad you could make it here, bro.

Huh? Tacos, later, what's up?

For Philip and everybody in the
Marines, guys, let them hear it.

All the troops!

Go ahead, man.

Go ahead.
Go ahead.

("Come on.")

Get to the mike, pendejo.
Come here.

All night you wanna say something,
now is your chance.

You wanna scream.

("Come on.") What have you been
drinking all night?

Budweiserrr.
Bud Liiites.

He even says it with an accent, huh?

Budweiserrr!

Bud Liiite!

That's the way you do it.

That's the way they allll do it.

What's your question?

Where's afterward?

Last time I was here, we were told

you were gonna be in one place
and you were at another.

I wanna take it from you.

What are you asking?
Where am I gonna be next?

Where we all gonna go?

After hours?
Fuckin' Denny's.

East side?
Hey. Hey.

East side, north side, west side?

south side?

What'd you say?
East side, north side, south side?

Cabron, it's cold,
we're gonna stay inside.

I don't know which one is that.

Alright, I guess that's it,
you guys.

Hey, listen, I really cannot express

how touched I am that you guys
sold out two shows tonight,

here at the very first place
where I started.

This special

is gonna air on Comedy Central
either June or July

and you guys can say
you were part of it,

and hopefully it looks
really nice on TV.

Maybe they'll cut off
a pound or two.

We'll definitely be back here,

give us about another year and
we'll be back to do it again,

and I love you guys,
thank you for showing love.

Have a good night!
Thank you!

Ladies and gentlemen,

live from the Fox Theater in
beautiful Downtown Bakersfield,

put your hands together,
show your love for Martin Moreno!

Woo! Bakersfield!
How are you guys feeling tonight?

We got a packed house,
thank you for coming out,

thank you very much for the
Latinos in the house.

Muchas gracias.
Where you at, Rosa?

We got enough Latinos in here
to start a march.

That's beautiful.

Where's the white people?
Make some noise, white people!

Wow. We are not marching anywhere.

Get back to work!

Where's the black folks?
Make some noise, black folks!

Alright, two!

Well, that's all we need to
keep the white people

distracted from the Latinos
in the house.

I love black folks.
Black guys have got to be

the coolest men on the planet.

You know that?
That's right.

I'll tell you right now.
A black guy could punk

a white guy into some fashion.

A black guy could show up wearing
a clown suit talking shit,

it's a clown suit, bitches!

Honk honk, that's my cell phone, nigga.

There'd be a white guy behind him,
Holy shit, we gotta get a clown suit.

They are cool.
Latinos, we got it all twisted.

We thought hard work was gonna
do the trick.

It's hard work being Latino, right?

You gotta sneak in through
the desert,

get a job without an ID,

learn how to speak English.

Black folks tried hard work
for 200 years,

you see where that shit got them.

A boat showed up to Africa,

it was a messed-up trip
but a boat showed up.

Can you imagine if a boat
showed up in Mexico?

Latinos would be running each
other over, trying to get on.

Vamonos, cabron, call your tio,

it's free, let's go!

Shit, you think we fit a lot
of people in a car?

Mess around and give us a boat?

We'll have people hanging
from that anchor, Take me too!

Oh, man, I talk a lot of shit.

It looks like we got a lot of
couples in the house.

Couples, where you at?
Make some noise, couples.

Wow.

Better you than me.

I was married one time, had a
traditional Latino Catholic wedding.

Very traditional.
My girlfriend was pregnant.

My son was the best man.

It was traditional.
l'm not doing it again though.

And I knew marriage wasn't
for me,

because at the wedding they
were throwing minute rice.

I knew it wasn't gonna last, right?

And my favorite part out of the whole
wedding thing was the bachelor party.

Are you kidding?

Free beers, free lapdances,

that's a good time, right?

Because strip clubs are expensive
when you gotta pay, right?

You got a big ol' cover charge,
you get all mad,

I shoulda brought the VIP
tickets I got last week.

You walk in, beers are eight bucks,

lapdances are 25 bucks,

and then they trick you,
two for one, two for one,

but then the song's over
in one minute.

What the hell is that?

Who's doing the music here?
DJ ComeQuick?

This is bullshit.
It's horrible.

That is why I like strip clubs
in Mexico.

That is the shit right there.

And if you haven't gone,
you owe it to yourselves

to take a vacation,
just to check it out.

Everybody is welcome in the
Mexican strip club.

You got your wife,
you got your kids,

come on in, they don't care.

First of all, there's no cover charge.

There's a midget about that big,

just recruiting people.
He's got horns, whistles,

make it look like a carnival.
Come on in!

You walk in, no cover charge.

Two-dollar beers.
One-dollar shooters.

Lapdances, 25 bucks, but every
lapdance has a happy ending.

That is good times.

You have got to be careful at
the Mexican strip clubs.

The girls look young.

They're legal,
but they're barely legal.

It's like it's gonna be midnight and
they're like seventeen and a half.

It's like, alright.
It's like a New Year's countdown.

Five, four, three, two,
hit the pole, baby, you're legal.

I'm telling you, one of these girls
didn't even have high heels.

She had tennis shoes.

She was dancing,

little lights were coming on
in the back.

I'm Martin Moreno, you guys
have been a lot of fun.

Thank you very much.

Thank you!

Coming to the stage,
a very very funny man,

you might have seen him at
Que Locos, Latino Laugh Festival.

Please a big hand, Mr. Noe Gonzalez.

Alright.
Alright.

Alright, I'm five foot three,
fuck it, how you doin' everybody?

Alright. There's advantages
to being short, right?

Hell, yeah, I could get drunk quick.

Two Bud Lites, I'm gone.

There's advantages.
I could stand under a table

when there's an earthquake.

I could just stand there.

You guys good over there?
Yeah, I'm good over here.

The bathroom of the airplane,

I fit in there. Tall people,
you don't fit in there, huh?

Your knees are hittin' the door
like that.

Not me, that's like my living room, man.
I'm like woo!

This flight is takin' forever.

Let me wash my hands real quick.

One thing that sucks is that
people always know

what I am for Halloween.

Tall people,
you can fool your friends.

You show up to the party, everybody's
like, Who's Batman over there?

I don't know, but there's Noe
right there.

Last year I dressed up as
King Kong.

My friends came up to me, Hey,
you're Curious George,

huh, bro? Come here!

So I was just watching the movie
of exorcism of Emily Rose.

Have you seen that movie?

That's a scary movie, man, because the
devil could just pop into you at any time.

I didn't know he could do that.

You know, she was just walking
down the street,

How you doin'?

That guy stayed with her,

Honey, I love you, I don't care!

And then his friends would get mad,

he would take her to parties,
Hey dude,

your chick is triping by the
punchbowl, look.

Nobody wants to drink punch,
bro, take her home.

Come on, honey,
let's get out of here.

Only white people get
possessed by the devil.

I've seen the first two
Exorcists movies, guys.

Latinos, we don't get possessed
by the devil

because our moms would beat the
shit out of the devil.

Our mom with el diablo, (Spanish).

("Bring me the tapatio, with the tapatìo
the devil comes out.")

("With the tapatio..")

("Son of a bitch!")

Speaking of the devil, I just
broke up with my girlfriend.

Sorry about that.

It was hard, man,
because she had cable.

Man, she has NFL Preview,
maybe I should wait till February.

We're always fighting.
We got in a fight at Six Flags.

We were right there in line
for Superman, the ride.

And there was these cholos in front of us,
playing around with water guns,

just shooting each other.
They're..

Go Raiders, hey!

And some water started splashing
backward, right?

She says, I'm getting wet,
do something!

And I saw they were cholos,
you know what I mean?

So I was, like,
Take it, bitch!

We just got us splashed, you got drenched,
you didn't say nothing!

Now you want me to go do something?

She says, Fine, if I get wet again,
I'm gonna go do something.

I go, Oh, shit.

So an hour goes by, and the
cholos they start playing around

with the water guns..

and she got wet again,
That's it!

She ran over there,
she had a full Coke.

And she threw it on the cholos, You like
getting wet, huh? You like getting wet?

You like getting wet?

I'm running behind her going, No!!

The cholos were standing there,
all full of Coke, stunned, all sticky,

Then they looked at me,
Hey, bro, control your bitch!

I was, like, Whoa.
See? I told you you were a bitch.

Didn't I tell you..?
Hey, bro, I'm not even with her, dog.

I don't even know what I'm doing here,
I can't even get on the rides.

Go, Raiders.

So I just turned 30 like 4 years ago.

All my friends pitched in, they gave
me a Harley Davidson for my birthday.

It sucked because I couldn't
reach it.

I took it back, tried to get it
custom-sized, they gave me a Moped.

Moped sucks, they have like no power.

I couldn't go over a speed bump..

So I just got a little dog.
I haven't named it yet.

I like the way white people
name their pets.

You name them after real people,
like, this is my dog, Benjamin.

Hi, Benji.

Latinos we don't really care what we name
our pet, we'll name it after any object.

I went over my cousin's house,
he says I brought a neat dog.

He's right over there.
Fierro!

Black people, they always
get big old tough dogs.

A pit bull...

I've never seen a black guy
with a cat.

I've never seen a black guy in
the trees, looking for his cat,

Where you are, kitty, kitty!

Come on, motherfucker,
we goin' for a walk, bitch!

Where's my kitty?
Come on, kitty, kitty?!

Here, kitty, kitty.
Here, kitty, kitty, kitty!

Oh, kitty, kitty.

You guys have been a lot of fun!
Thank you very much, guys!

Have a good time tonight, guys!

Have a good time.

Coming to the stage,
a very funny man,

please put your hands together
for Mr. Armando Cosio.

Thank you.

Hey, what's up?
Hey, how you doin'?

I know, some of you are looking
at me, saying,

Hey, didn't they kill him
last week?

That's Saddam, man, that's him.

They hung 'im.

Yeah, well, the rope broke.

Some of you guys are saying,
That guy should work out.

Should jog after the ice
cream man.

That's what my old lady says.

You should jog after the ice
cream man.

I go, Ha ha, real funny.

You know I can't jog after the
ice cream man.

He parks in front of the house.

On purpose.

He's right there,
Hey, the gordo lives right here.

Go ahead, crank up the music,
crank that up.

Subele, subele.
He's gonna come out right now.

And when he comes out,
we're gonna make them run,

and we're gonna take off.

Here it comes, here it comes.

Go! Go, go, go!

And that's just the guy with
the pushcart

and little bell on the handlebars...

I know how to stop them, though.

But hey, Jose, I'm gonna call the green
man on your ass if you don't stop it.

Okay, gordo, don't.. don't
fuck around, gordo, okay?

Don't mess around, goddamn it,
you son of a bitch,

("Son of your fucking mother,
Oh") goddamn it.

I got childrens and everything
so don't fuck.

I give you credit.

And I'm like,
Alright, man.

Give me a Choco-Taco.

It's a trip, man when on hot
days he's got beer in there.

This is a guy that sells
ice cream to our children.

I say, Hey, Jose,
what the hell is the beer for?

No, no, tch, tch, tch.

He forgets how to speak,
he just blows air.

Tch, tch, tch, ahh.

Tch, tch, tch.

(Mumbles)

Hot!

It is hot, goddamn it.
It's hot.

I know it's hot but you got like
a case and a half in there.

No, cabron, it's not just for me.

It for my friend,
the ("corn cob") man.

The corn guy. You know the corn guy,
the ("corn cob") guy, yeah?

Yeah. Yeah.

Same horn, every neighborhood.

("corn cob")!
("corn cob")!

That guy..

he parks in front of my house too.

("Does the fat man live here?")
No, the gordo lives right here.

He lives right here.

Oh, I got a special horn for him.

No, not the...
No, no, a special horn for him.

Watch, watch.

Son of a bitch.

Man.

And I've been married for 32 years,
so you know how that is.

Yeah. Have to role-play with
her and everything.

The other day we had sex
dolphin-style.

You guys ever try dolphin style?

Okay, dolphin style is like
doggy style

but if you hit the wrong opening,

she's gonna go,

You guys have been a lot of fun,
guys, thank you very much.

Orale, Bakersfield!