Gable and Lombard (1976) - full transcript

A biography about the love affair between 1930s Hollywood superstars Clark Gable and Carole Lombard.

**

( In the Mo plays )

RADIO: We interrupt this

program to bring you

a further bulletin

on TWA flight 3.

It has now been confirmed

that the plane has crashed

outside of Las Vegas, Nevada.

Among the passengers

was celebrated screen actress

Carole Lombard.

The zany blond comedienne

known for her

unconventional antics,

off the screen

as well as on,

was en route back to Hollywood

after a successful

war bond sales tour.

Stay tuned

for further bulletins.

We now return you

to our regularly scheduled

programming.

( In the Mo Plays )

Captain?

Colonel Ryan.

Over here.

They spotted some people

up near where the plane crashed.

Might be survivors.

There's a rescue party

on the way up there now.

We'll be there

in a few minutes.

Colonel, I'm Ellis.

Sheriff.

This is Sheriff Ellis.

Mr. Gable,

I'm glad to meet you.

I've been a fan of yours

and Miss Lombard for some time.

Rescue team went up

during the night.

Should know in a couple of hours

if there's...any survivors,

and whether or not

she's one of 'em.

We'll just have to

wait it out.

( music plays in distance )

( honks horn )

( music plays,

people laughing )

Hey, kid!

( whistles )

Hey, kid!

That's okay.

Just leave it.

( tires screech )

Hold it!

What's your hurry?

Congratulations.

I haven't seen you

since the preview.

You were just great, kid.

Ivan Cooper. Studio publicity.

Well, yeah, sure.

Didn't recognize ya.

The party's just starting.

You know, you can change

round the back.

I must have read

the invitation wrong.

Didn't figure this was gonna be

monkey suits in the afternoon.

You know, kid,

it'd be good for you

to be seen around here.

Why don't you run home

and pick up a jacket?

Don't own one. In fact,

I don't even plan on

buyin' one.

This kind of shindig

ain't for me.

I guess I'm just in

the wrong league.

You know something?

After that preview,

you'd better start getting

used to this league.

From the talk I heard

in the lobby,

the picture's gonna

make you a big star.

You can have it

with all that star stuff.

That's what they said

about the last three.

You wait and see.

Won't be long before

you're trading in this heap

on one of those.

What? You kiddin'?

This here's my baby.

Made the last payment

on her yesterday.

She's all mine.

Well, so long, Coop.

( starts car )

See you around.

( siren blaring )

( radiator hissing )

Surprise, ya dumb bastards!

( all laugh )

WOMAN:

Carole!

What a divine creation!

Casuals room

at Saks?

Oh, no, honey!

Operating room,

Country General.

I love it!

Sylvia, hi!

Oh!

Oh, are you

through with that?

You the new maid,

my dear?

No, honey,

I'm the old maid.

Miss Lombard?

Myrna. God, I loved

your last picture.

I enjoyed yours,

too.

Oh, yeah. We all know it was

the biggest piece of crap

Paramount ever put out.

Say, Miss Lombard.

Another round

over here, dear.

I'm not the waiter.

Of course.

You were divine

in Romeo and Juliet.

Oh, listen, Roger...

Hello, angel.

Helena,

you're looking for?

She's out there, I'd say,

potted along with

the rest of the palms.

Oh, I'm gonna go

get a drink.

Miss Lombard,

what about my car?

I beg your pardon?

I gotta admit

it's pretty funny,

but you see, I thought

it was a real ambulance

and went off the road

into a tree.

Oh. Ha ha ha!

It's great you can

make your friends laugh,

but your little joke

cost me three hundred bucks.

Oh, well...

See my secretary in the morning.

She'll send you a check.

That's all there is

to it, huh?

Don't be such a...

stuffed shit!

I mean shirt.

You're real smooth

with the wisecracks,

aren't ya, doll?

I guess it's pretty funny when

you're makin' $4,000 a week.

But when you're only makin' $85,

those wheels mean something.

I don't suppose

a big movie star like you

would understand that.

I'm afraid

you're a bit late, dear!

Tryouts for Joan of Arc

were last week!

Hey, shithead!

Who the hell do you

think you are, anyway?

Just one of

the little people.

For a little person

you got a big mouth!

Yeah?

Yeah, and no sense of humor.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You bully.

Bully, huh?

If you were a man, sister,

I'd show you what a bully was!

Come on!

Put up your dukes!

Go on, get outta here

before ya get hurt.

Oh?! Who's gonna hurt me, huh?

I don't wanna have to

turn you over my knee

and spank you.

Come on, stuff,

spank me!

You're askin' for it!

I'm beggin' for it,

ya sissy!

I'm gonna

teach you a lesson.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Holy jumpin' catfish.

Where'd you learn to

punch like that?

I've got two brothers.

I've been fighting all my life.

Here ya go.

Only cost me 300.

The other ten's for

your first boxing lesson.

Ya gotta go around

showing you got balls,

wouldn't hurt to have

the balls to show.

( fans screaming )

Security GUARD:

Ladies. Ladies, please.

Ladies, please!

Good morning,

Mr. Gable.

Mr. Mayer would

like to see you

in his office.

WOMAN:

Good morning,

Mr. Gable. Morning, Irma.

Thanks for the tickets.

It was a great party.

Aw, forget it.

How are the two sexiest girls

in Hollywood doing this morning?

Woman #2:

You can go in now, Mr. Gable

Mr. Mayer is expecting you.

( typewriters clack )

Clark, my boy.

How are you?

I didn't even

hear you come in.

I've been admiring

my latest.

"For promoting the highest

standards of morality

"in American motion pictures."

Hmm.

Is that something?

Hmm?

You look great.

You really do,

you look great.

Ha ha ha ha!

So how are you, my boy?

Couldn't be better, L.B.

No, no, I guess not.

Not with theater owners

all across the country

just begging

for your pictures, huh?

You're happy with

the new contract?

Fine. Just fine.

Good.

Sit down, my boy.

I have got some

exiting news for you.

Tell me, my boy, do you know a

property It Takes Two To Love?

It's a book,

isn't it?

A book?

Did you say a book?

No, no, no,

it's not a book,

it's the greatest book

ever written.

And it was written

for you, my boy!

But the exciting part,

what makes this whole project

just so special--

and don't let it ever be said

that I don't give

my family here the best--

we're negotiating

with Paramount right now

to team you up

with their biggest star,

a girl to create

the absolute balance,

the absolute chemistry.

I mean, the two of you

will set the screen on fire!

Tell me, my boy,

do you know Carole Lombard?

( coughs )

Clark, you must watch out

for those cigarettes.

Carole...Lombard.

Yes. Just think of it--

Carole Lombard.

Forget it, boss.

Nothin' doin'.

What nothing doing?

She's only the hottest thing

in the business.

She's a nice girl,

she's friendly, cooperative...

I wouldn't work with

that loudmouth, fatheaded punk

if she was the last dame

in Hollywood!

Oh, you know her?

Yeah, I know her!

And you can forget it!

All right, if you know her

and you don't like her,

it's a different story.

Of course forget it.

You're a big star, Clark.

I can't force you to do

what you don't want.

But if you could do for me

just one small favor.

I've arranged for a lunch

for the two of you

in her dressing room.

You what?!

I know it was the wrong thing

for me to do.

But I've already set it up,

and it would be an insult now

if we canceled.

Besides, it's only a lunch.

What's a lunch?

You don't even have to eat.

Just have a drink,

you chew some cashews,

you smile a little,

tell her you gotta

get back on the set.

Ivan Cooper from publicity

will drive you over. Huh?

Means that much to you, huh?

Frankly, I could

care less, my darling.

But it's not good business

to insult the #1 female star

in the country.

Okay, boss.

I'll have lunch with her.

But I'm telling you,

I don't ever want to

hear that dame's name again.

What dame?

( chuckles )

Irma, tell Ida

to get me Broderick

at Paramount.

Clark!

Clark!

Nice to see ya on the lot!

Lafayette, we are here.

Come on, let's go.

Forget it, Coop,

I changed my mind.

Let's get out of here.

I don't want to see this dame,

I don't want to talk to her,

and I'll be damned if I'm gonna

make a picture with her.

Will you relax?

Take it easy, it's not

the end of the world.

Look, you'll spend

a couple of minutes, okay?

She brings the lunch,

tell her you got a stomach ache,

and you duck out.

Huh? Come on.

Let's go.

Come on.

Look at that face.

Will ya get a smile

on that puss?

Oh, that's good.

Come on, champ, in the ring.

That's it, that's it.

Five minutes, I promise.

Five minutes.

Okay. Five minutes.

( clock ticking )

( clock strikes )

I can't understand

what's keeping Miss Lombard.

Would you like a drink,

Mr. Gable?

No, thanks.

Would you like to

go to the bathroom

or anything?

No, thanks.

Would you like

an autographed picture

of Miss Lombard?

No. Thank you.

MAN:

Come on, Carole!

Give it to him!

Come on! Come on!

Okay.

That's it. Let's get outta here.

I'm right in the middle

of a story.

Then I'll wait

out in the car for ya.

And how is the car,

Mr. Gable?

Hiya, handsome!

That's me.

Very nice of you

to provide an escort for--

what is it that

they call you these days?

The, uh, The Duke--

no, that's John Wayne.

The--The Prince.

No, that's Barrymore.

The King.

I knew it was

something royal.

It's just that

I've never played the Palace.

Well, can I offer

you gentlemen

a drink?

COOPER:

No, thank you.

Dixie and I

were just leaving.

Thought we'd give you

a chance to...visit.

Thanks.

( door closes )

LOMBARD:

He's a pleasant man.

How's the jaw?

Still there.

Well, I see you've done

all right for yourself.

No complaints.

Women seem to

respond to you.

It's a living.

Well, I've seen

some of your pictures,

you know.

You are very, very good.

Very assured,

very commanding...

I just, uh,

try and act natural.

Yeah. People are quick

to spot the phonies.

You do okay.

So I hear.

Been meanin' to see

one of your pictures.

Oh. You haven't?

Not yet. Been meanin' to,

but been so busy.

Studyin' lines and all.

Say, uh,

what is it you do?

Tragedy?

No, no, no.

Generally lighter fare.

Of course, when I, uh...

I said that you were good

in your pictures, there are...

there were certain things

that bothered me about

your performance.

I mean, I realize that you're

rather new to the business

and your first performances

are bound to be a bit, uh...

undisciplined.

What do you mean by that?

Oh, well, uh...

let's just say that you

make up in virile intensity

what you might lack

in subtly and emotion.

I play men, baby.

Men can be human too,

my dear.

Yeah? Well, you stick

to playing your parts,

and I'll stick to playing mine.

Which brings us

to why we're here.

When the head of my studio

informed me that you wanted

to make a picture with me--

Now, wait a minute.

Hold on. I wanted

to make a picture with you?

Lady, I had to be

dragged here today.

I said to him,

"Darling--ha ha!--

"I mean, do you really think

I should be playing

opposite this--this--

newcomer, this unproven risk?"

He might wipe you

off the screen.

"I mean, granted,

he shows promise,

"though he's so emotionless,

and the public does expect me

"to match my leading men,

not demolish them.

I mean, darling,

what's wrong with

Fred MacMurray?"

Well, the poor man,

he begged, he pleaded

he cajoled--

"Just meet with him,

Carole."

It's a good thing

he promised me new wallpaper

over the toilet

or you'd be having lunch

right now with Rin-Tin-Tin.

Funny, Mayer tells me

this Lombard dame

needs me in her next flick

to rescue a sagging career.

Oh, you should sag

so well, honey.

So I says to him,

"Come on, L.B.,

"here I am,

the great lover boy.

"I made love on screen

to Harlow, Colbert, Crawford.

"What's it gonna do

to my reputation

"to tame some skinny,

dizzy dishwater blond?

There's no challenge in it."

But he says to me,

"Do me a favor.

Take a lunch with her."

Take a lunch?!

Is that what he said?!

That's what he said.

Well, why don't you

take your lunch

and shove it up

your Moviola?!

I'd like to forget

that this has just happened.

So would I.

So--

now that we've had our lunch...

...why don't we

have our dessert?

I can't figure it.

She's the most popular dame

in the business.

Gets along with everyone.

No temperament. A real pro.

What did you do to her?

I'm the first guy

that ever put her in her place.

She's probably the first dame

that ever turned you down.

Oh, yeah?

Come on, face it.

For once the dame

ain't yours for the asking.

She's a dame, ain't she?

Unh-unh.

She's Carole Lombard.

She's a dame!

They're all the same.

Hey, Coop,

what's it worth to you?

What's what

worth to me?

A week's salary?

I'll put a week's salary

up against yours

that not only can I have

this dame for the asking--

why, I'll have her begging.

Are you crazy?

What do you say?

Come on.

How will I know?

Well, I don't know.

Well, uh, why don't

I bring you a pair of her--

what do you call 'em?

Panties.

Yeah, that's them.

Okay. You want to

throw your money away,

you're on.

Let's find a phone.

Lemme show you

how to do it.

Hello, operator.

This is Clark Gable.

Would you get me

Carole Lombard's

dressing room

at Paramount?

Thank you, honey.

Cooper, my friend,

get that paycheck ready.

This is gonna be like

taking candy from a baby.

( phone rings )

Hello?

Hello, Miss Blake?

Yes.

ÀClark here.

Clark?

Gable.

Oh.

Clark Gable.

Is Miss Lombard available?

Uh, just a second. I'll check.

Carole, it's, uh,

Clark...Gable.

LOMBARD:

You tell that

son-of-a-bitch

I wouldn't talk to him

if he was selling tickets

to the Pope's wedding!

Uh, M-Mr. Gable, she, uh...

she went to church.

She can't wait

to talk to me.

Wait a minute!

I'll tell him myself!

Oh, she just got back.

All right...

Yeah, hello?!

Hello, Miss Lombard?

Clark Gable here.

I'd like to apologize

for this afternoon.

I feel very badly.

And to be honest with you,

I have seen your pictures--

every one of them--

and you're my favorite

comedienne.

Oh, yeah?

Well, you just save the bullshit

for the chorus girls, dunghead!

I never want to see you

or hear from you again!

You just stay out of my way,

or your head is gonna be

so far up your rear end

you're gonna be

whistlin' Dixie

to your prostate!

( click )

Well, that's very kind

of you to say so!

You'd like to see me tonight,

would you?

Well, it's kinda short notice,

but okay, how about

around eight o'clock?

Good-bye, Carole.

Okay, I'm impressed.

When you got it, Coop...

you got it.

( starts car )

( small orchestra plays

in distance )

( dog barks )

Hi, fella.

Nice boy. Nice boy.

You ever play

Chase the Shoe?

I throw it,

and you chase it.

Good boy!

Ya dumb mutt.

Thanks, pal.

Darling,

that isn't Clark Gable

over there, is it?

I'm afraid it is.

Let's pretend we

didn't see him.

Why, Mr. Gable.

What an unexpected pleasure.

Welcome to

the White Mayfair Ball.

I'm Edwina Foxcroft,

your hostess.

How do you do, ma'am?

I'm glad to be here.

If there's anything

that you need,

please don't

hesitate to ask.

There's champagne upstairs.

Won't you help yourself?

Upstairs?

Well, thanks,

Foxie!

Darlings, you will

never guess who just

crashed our ball.

LOMBARD:

...in the middle of the day!

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Excuse me.

I beg your pardon.

Have you seen

Carole Lombard's

new picture?

It's great.

She's terrific in it.

Never been better.

This kid's the best thing

to hit movies since sound.

Well, thank you.

So sweet of you to say that.

Now why don't you be a dear

and piss off?

We'd better dance.

I can't believe him,

coming to a party like that.

Oh, you dance so--

Beat it.

Oh, brother.

Do you mind?

You look lovely tonight,

my dear.

Thank you.

Who does your laundry?

Sorry I ain't

much of a dancer.

Ha ha ha!

Honey, you ain't

much of anything.

Hey, let's get out of here.

I can't hear myself think

with all this noise going on.

Don't worry, dear,

you're not missing a thing.

Aw, come on,

let's have a truce.

You're not gonna let

a little lunch come

between us.

Honey, that's the only thing

that's gonna come between us.

Here he is at our ball.

He is a little muddy.

Was he invited?

Of course he wasn't invited.

Say, Foxie.

Yes, Mr. Gable?

What may I do for you?

Well, I been thinkin'.

All these balls are the same--

dance, eat, drink.

Why don't you try

something different?

What precisely

did you have in mind?

Well, I don't know.

I hear at Lady Astor's ball

next week they're having

a scavenger hunt.

Lady Astor is having

a scavenger hunt?

That's what I hear.

Each team will pick up

a list of items to secure,

and you will have two hours

to do it in.

To find your teammate,

simply check the slips of paper

you were given

and locate

the corresponding numbers.

Thirty-two!

Yoo-hoo! Thirty-two!

Who's got thirty--

Thirty-two!

Who's got thirty-two?

Thirty-two!

Who's got thirty-two?

GABLE: Thirty-two?

Did you say thirty-two?

Oh, shit.

Let's see now,

we got the stop sign.

Mail box, drum...

Mr. Gable,

isn't this fun?

Pound of chopped liver.

Now we need a four-leaf clover.

You havin' fun, princess?

I was until

this dumb game.

I tried talking her out of it,

but she kept insisting

Lady Astor plays it

all the time.

Okay, a four-leaf clover.

I know just the place.

Come on.

Forget it!

I'm not going in there!

Okay, you stay here

and rest.

I will.

It's okay with me

if you can't take it.

Ohhh!

Argghh!!!

I thought I saw

a four-leaf clover

around here somewhere.

Get over there.

What do you know?

A couple of movie stars.

You wouldn't like

that pretty face of yours

smashed in, would ya?

Don't worry, honey.

You're safe with me.

Beat it, punks.

Watch it! Watch it!

Oh! Oh, God, no!

Shake 'em off, Gable!

Yeah, thattaboy!

Oh, give him a jab!

Jab him! Jab him!

Hit him!

Give him a left!

Come on!

Oh, yeah!

Give him a roundhouse!

Yeah! Yeah!

Watch it, Gable!

Oh, no! Oh, no!

Tony!

Ohh! Ohh!

( screaming )

Let me go, you bully!

Aaahhhhh!

( whispering )

You got the blood?

I got the blood.

Put a lot on.

Let go of me!

Thanks.

Ohh! Ohh!

Ohh....ohhh...

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

You poor man,

are you all right?

Oh, my God,

you're bleeding.

I'll be okay.

I'll be okay.

Hospital.

Get me to a hospital.

We'll be at the hospital

very soon.

Hospital?

Yeah.

I can't go to the hospital.

There's reporters.

Take me home. Ohh....

Are you sure?

Ohhh...I'll be all right

once I'm in bed.

Ohh...

You poor man.

Oh, God.

I owe you an apology.

I had you figured all wrong.

Listen, my house is

right around the corner.

You could--

you could rest in my bed.

Oh?

Where's the bed?

It's right over here.

I can't wait to

get to the bed.

Thattaboy--ooh!

Oh, damn those steps!

Ow! Ow!

I should have told you

about those steps.

I'm so sorry.

Here, can you get up?

Damn those steps!

Here, slide down on the bed.

That's it.

Oh, oww!

Oh! Oh, this bed

is so comfortable.

I'm glad you like it.

You just pretend

you're in a hospital

and think of me

as a nurse.

And, um...

Oh, this bed is terrific.

I'm glad you like it.

Now, just...

Oh, what a bed!

Now...

I took first aid

in high school.

Uh, I know what to do.

I'm gonna get you

a washcloth and, uh,

I'm gonna clean--

clean you up,

get some of that blood off.

Ohhh....huh?

No, don't bother.

I feel better.

They say it's good to let

the blood cake overnight,

it's good for the wound.

Now, you just

leave this to me.

Ohh...

Ohh! No! The light!

It's too bright,

turn it down.

It hurts my eyes.

I'm sorry--

It hurts my eyes!

Turn it off!

I will when I'm finished.

Now you just lie back and--

Here...

No, no, no, no...

You tell me

if I hurt you.

Ow! Ow! It hurts!

Stop!

I know it does.

I know, I know.

Don't be such a baby.

I'm--I'm--

I'm being as gentle as I can.

I'm starting to get tired.

I'm gonna try

and get a little sleep.

Well, of course,

after I get all this blood off.

Funny, it--

it comes off so easily.

Yeah, well, I was always

very thin-blooded.

And such a--such a--

--bright color.

Just like in the movies.

Yeah. Well, we Gables

are red-blooded.

Yes, very.

Who was the hematologist,

Max Factor?

Huh?

All right.

Get out!

Ohh...

Well, look...

give me a chance to explain.

Don't bother.

You went to a lot

of trouble for nothing.

Well, what else

could I do?

I tried being nice to ya--

you wouldn't accept that.

You wouldn't even

give a guy a chance

to be nice.

You make it a crime for someone

to want to get to know ya.

Talk about no emotion.

Lady, you got a wall up

so thick you couldn't

blast through it

with a ton of dynamite.

I don't know

what you're scared of...

but maybe it takes a better man

than me to find out.

( clatter )

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Gable! Ha ha ha ha!

You won't give up,

will you? Ha ha ha!

All right, Gable,

enough's enough.

Look, I'm not gonna

fall for this a second time.

Come on, Clark.

Gable!

Oh, my God.

Clark?

Oh, my God!

How do you feel?

Fine.

Oh, here. Here.

I musta slipped.

Here, sit up.

Oh, careful.

There.

How do you feel?

Fine.

You all right?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Look, you want a chance

to be nice?

Be nice.

( birds chirping )

Good mornin'.

Smells great.

( food sizzling )

I'm so hungry I could

eat a dozen of 'em.

Well, I'll make you

as many as you need.

You know,

once when I was a kid

I ate two dozen of 'em.

Just to show my brothers.

They musta had a tough time

keeping up with you.

Everything

was a contest.

I'll bet you showed them

who's the better man.

Do I sound that way?

I guess I do.

But you know,

it's not my fault.

It's set up so that

you can only make it if

you're born with balls.

Me, I had to grow mine.

Where'd you hide 'em

last night?

( chuckles )

Oh, God.

You know something?

You're really

kinda simple

for a king.

You can have it

with all this "King" stuff.

I'm just a lucky slob from Ohio

just happened to be

in the right place

at the right time.

This whole acting job really

ain't the thing for a man.

That's why you gotta

come off twice as tough

to prove what

a man you are, huh?

I told you once, baby,

I just try and act natural.

Oh, yes, how hard

we try to be natural.

But don't mind me sayin',

but, uh, you're a great one

to talk about trying too hard.

Me? I act like

I feel like acting.

I don't kill myself

trying to live up

to some phony

set of conventions.

Oh, come on, baby.

You got your act so down pat

you wouldn't know what's real

if it strangled ya.

Thank you, Dr. Freud,

and I do so appreciate it,

coming from

the walking illustration

of celluloid integrity.

Look, do we have

to start up again?!

Can't we just eat

a quiet plate of eggs?!

Please! Eat!

After all,

that's what

we're here for.

I will.

Good.

Here. Why don't you

have some more toast?

You need all that strength

for the cameras.

You gotta have

the last word,

don't ya?

You had the first,

I had the last. Fair's fair.

You're the one

that started it!

I did? Your line

could have put you

out of business!

I don't wanna

argue with ya!

If I hit you

below the belt,

I'm sorry.

Hit me? Ha ha.

You're nuts.

You're about as powerful

as a chocolate eclair.

Off the screen,

of course.

I gotta go!

It's late.

Come on,

have a cup of coffee.

No, I gotta get goin'.

What's the matter,

my coffee's no good?

He steals my virtue,

but he won't drink my coffee.

I'll see ya

around!

Hey, Clark.

Hey--hey, Gable.

The eggs weren't

that bad, honey,

I mean, we could add

a little Tabasco.

You don't quit,

do you, baby?

Well, I...

Hey, look,

come on back.

I'll--I'll make you up

a fresh batch,

I'll even put

some chicken livers in 'em.

If you smile pretty,

I'll throw in

a couple of gizzards.

You're really somethin'.

You don't like gizzards?

I guess I--

I do get a little

carried away sometimes,

don't I?

Well, you said it, I always

gotta have the last word,

the funnier, the better.

It's crazy what you do just

to get people to like you.

Only trouble is, I--

I end up making

a damn fool of myself.

I wouldn't say that, kid.

I wouldn't

say that at all.

Hey, I think you got

a swell sense of humor.

Fat-ass people

around this town

sure need you around

to liven 'em up.

Only, uh...

what are you

so worried about?

What do you care

what they all think of ya?

I don't know.

Listen, kid,

forget what they all think.

Long as you can look

in the mirror and like

what you see.

That's all that counts--

what you think of yourself.

Yeah.

That's easy to say.

What if you're afraid

of what you're gonna see?

Well...

what are you afraid of?

Look, I was voted

#1 Female Star in America,

I make over $4,000 a week,

and I've never said "I love you"

to anyone and meant it.

I just...

I never felt that way

about anyone.

It used to bother me,

thinking there was

something wrong with me.

It was easy to

forget about it

when I played the clown

and heard 'em laughing.

I could kid myself

into thinking I felt okay.

Maybe the truth is...

there is something

wrong with me.

Maybe what you said

last night is right,

I'm just a cold, empty bitch

who can't get a hard-on.

You know, kid...

I never was much on

all this psychology stuff,

but it seems to me a baby

don't come into this world

all cold and empty.

They only become that way

if the people around 'em

make 'em that way.

Now, it seems to me...

that you just mighta

never met the right people.

You know something, Gable?

You're not as tough

as you think.

Come on.

Try a gizzard.

It'll grow on ya.

I'm sorry--I was only kidding.

I really gotta get going.

Oh, well, I'll--

I'll get dressed

and I'll drive you

to your car.

Don't bother.

I'll pick up a cab.

Oh.

Well, I'll call one

for you.

Okay.

Well, Coop, if you

look at your watch,

you'll see that

it's nine o'clock

on the button.

And what did I tell ya

I was gonna have for ya?

You did it?

I did it, all right.

I struck out.

And that's yours--

one week's salary.

That dame's no dame.

She's a real lady.

Talks tough,

but she's all class.

You're no bum yourself, pal.

Handing over $2,000

to protect the lady's honor.

What are you talking about?

I couldn't get to

first base with her.

Nice try, Clark,

but it won't work.

The old man knows

all about it.

He knows you stayed

with her last night.

And I gotta warn ya,

he's on the warpath.

IRMA:

You can't go in there!

You don't have an appointment!

Hey! I see who I want to see

when I want to see 'em

and if you don't like it

you can take your contract

and your studio and--

Clark, my boy.

Please, please, relax.

Take it easy.

I'm on the phone with--

Harry? Yeah.

No, I'll tell him.

Harry says hello.

Now, what's the matter?

Let's get something

straight.

Nobody tells me

what to do.

I'm gonna tell you

what to do?

Me, Louis B. Mayer,

a simple country boy

from Nova Scotia,

is gonna tell you,

Clark Gable, The King,

what to do?

Especially now,

when romance is in the air?

I mean, it is romance,

isn't it, and not just

a one-night stand?

That's my business.

But, ah, my boy, romance

becomes everybody's business

when it's between

two movie stars

and one of them

is still married.

Come on, Ria and I

haven't lived together

as man and wife

for over two years.

But you're still

legally married to her.

You're not divorced yet.

I sure as hell will be

once we get the property

settlement straightened out.

I got my lawyers working on it.

They're trying to move her.

Well, until they do,

my son, you just take a look

at this wall over here.

Those same groups

that carved the plaques,

they also type the letters.

And I know those groups,

I know them well.

My whole desk is

full of letters

from all those groups.

Here. Here, take a letter.

( chuckles )

Come on,

stop being so serious.

You look beautiful.

Sit down. Relax.

I'll read you a letter.

Here. They're very upset, Clark.

They saw a rough cut

of a cowboy movie

and they think they saw a horse

making an obscene gesture.

You know what

that obscene gesture was?

The horse was taking a piss.

( laughing )

I swear!

There's 400 horses

in the goddamn scene,

there's a battle going on,

there's 800 extras,

there's about a half

a million dollars' worth

of sets and costumes,

and what do they see?

A horse with a big organ

pissing in the field.

What am I gonna do?

Horses have big organs,

they have to piss, too.

So I'm reshooting the scene

to keep them happy.

I'll pray next time

we get horses with tiny organs

and strong bladders.

Here. Here's another one.

"Dear sir, we find in viewing

The Barretts of Wimpole Street

"there is a distance

of slightly less than four feet

between the twin beds.

"This is to inform you

that in order to conform

"to our standards

of viewing recommendation,

"the distance between twin beds

in any one scene

must not be less than

four feet, six inches.

Yours truly..."

What am I gonna do, Clark?

We're doing a picture about

the Barretts of Wimpole Street,

you can't have one of 'em

sleeping over on Second Avenue.

God knows when he wasn't

writing poetry

he loved to hop in the sack

with the old lady.

So now they're asking me

to make him an Olympic

broad jumper now, too?

What can I do, my son? I don't

want them banning the picture.

I've either gotta cut the scene

or I gotta reshoot it.

Here's another one.

They're very disturbed

there's a scene

in Libeled Lady

where Harlow has

a button on her blouse

unbuttoned

and they can see

she has breasts.

What do they think

she has, Clark, bottle caps?

Do you see what I'm saying?

Do you get my point?

They're all disturbed

about buttons and beds

and bottle caps

and horses' organs.

What do you think

they're gonna do

when they see a married man

cavorting around

with an unmarried lady

in public? Hmm?

I'll tell you

what they're gonna do.

They're gonna do

what they did in '22

to Fatty Arbuckle

or in '29 to Mabel Normand--

they're gonna run 'em out

of the business!

Those same groups

took out ads in the papers,

they told their members

not to go, and they did--

they stayed away, Clark.

But you do what

you want to do, my son.

Far be it from me.

If you want to

keep smoking cigarettes,

you keep smoking cigarettes.

If you think you'd be happier

back in a lumber camp, then go,

you have my blessings.

But don't forget

there's a certain lady

who's also involved here,

a lady with her own career.

Carole, darling, I'm not here

as the head of the studio.

I'm here as your friend.

I know it's only

a technicality.

But you have to face it.

Legally, he's still married,

and the world knows it.

I don't have

to tell you the danger

if you two continue

to see each other.

Now, I'm not going to

issue you any orders.

I won't even try

to keep you apart.

But I will ask you

to search your own conscience.

And remember--

it's not only

your career at stake...

it's his, too.

Get me Carole Lombard, will ya?

I think she's at home.

( sighs )

( phone rings )

Hello, Carole?

Clark?

Yeah. Look, I just wanted

to call you and tell you

I was going out of town,

in case you mighta wondered

why you hadn't heard from me.

Oh.

That's funny...

I'm going out of town myself

and I was calling you

just in case you called

and you wondered

where I was.

Oh?

Yeah. Um, my aunt

had an appendicitis attack

and I'm flying down to see her.

Oh. Well, uh, my grandmother's

laid up with a broken rib,

I told her I'd come over,

cheer her up.

Yeah?

Well, keep her in stitches.

I'll, uh--I'll talk

to you sometime, huh?

Yeah. Sure.

Good-bye, baby.

Yeah.

Bye, Clark.

Well, the show's over.

Never even had time

for the popcorn.

( sighs )

He really meant something

to you, didn't he?

Big-eared slob?

You're nuts.

Come on,

let's get outta here.

Go down to the Springs

for a coupla days.

First time a dame

ever got to you,

eh, kid?

Hell, no. I just hate

to break the poor kid's heart.

Look, I gotta

get out of here

for a couple of days.

Let's go down to Palm Springs

and play some golf.

Great shot.

I don't know how you do it.

So far you haven't

missed one sand trap.

God.

Maybe we shoulda

taken those lessons.

It's a little late now, honey.

Come on, kid.

Cheer up.

Come on, Carole.

Cheer up.

Aw, shit!

Hi.

How are ya?

Okay. You?

Good.

Good.

How's the grandmother?

She's comin' along.

How's your aunt?

Heavy cramps.

Oh...

sorry.

So's she.

You come here often?

No, not too. You?

Yeah. Good golfing.

The best.

How's your game?

One-twelve.

Not bad.

For seven holes?

Oh. Well, it takes practice.

Yeah, that's what

they tell me.

Where you stayin'?

I'm at the Palms.

Well, I'm at the Racquet Club.

Right around the corner.

How about that?

I love you.

What's that?

I said I love you.

Yeah?

Well, uh...

uh, I've been

thinkin' about you.

Good or bad?

Well, I've been thinkin' that...

if we played it smart,

who's gonna find out?

I'll never tell.

We'd have to watch our step.

I do a great soft-shoe.

Can't be seen in public.

I hate crowds.

Have to avoid each other

at parties.

We'll have our own party.

You think we oughta

give it a try?

You know me,

I'll try anything.

Might be just a fling.

Yeah. Might be.

Could burn itself out

after a week.

Well, don't just stand there,

you big ape.

Start the goddamn fire.

All right...

All right,

I'll give you one autograph,

but I gotta get to the market...

Hiya!

Hi, Clark.

How are ya, baby?

I'm fine, honey.

How you been?

Mr. Gable.

Howdy.

( humming and singing )

( horn blares,

tires screech )

( humming )

( starts motorcycle )

( honking horn )

( honking horn )

I told you

I'd beat you, Gable!

LOMBARD:

It's not fair!

You're gettin' lazy

in your old age, ma!

No fair!

I twisted my ankle.

Aw, did you twist

your little ankle?

Well, let's make it better.

( laughing )

Did you call a cab, lady?

You feelin' better?

Oh, yeah. Mmm.

We've got the whole night

to stay together, baby.

Oh. Hold on.

Aren't you

forgetting something?

You got that premiere

to go to.

Oh, God.

( sighs )

Well, I'm not gonna go.

Carole--

No, baby,

I just wanna stay here

and make you that meal.

I've got all this stuff

to make a real Italian feast.

I know it, kid,

I appreciate it,

only there's been a lot of talk

going around about us lately,

( giggles )

and it'll keep--

it'll keep the studio happy

if you're seen out with someone.

Take some of the heat off.

I'll run you back.

I'm really sorry

you're gonna miss

the dinner I was gonna make you.

The delicious cannelloni

with the cheese filling.

It's really a shame you're

not gonna be here tonight.

You know, I don't mind

dragging myself out of here

every morning at 4 a.m.,

stumbling in the back door

of my house,

and prancing out the front

all bright-eyed

and bushy-tailed

so the world

can applaud my virtue.

I don't even mind

playing love scenes

with matinee idols

who bathe every other Tuesday.

I'm an actress, and that's

what I'm well overpaid to do,

God knows.

I don't even mind

being escorted to some premiere

by a studio stud to

smile pretty for the camera.

I'd have a lot of nerve

to complain about any of that.

But when you I can never,

never go out together

just to a regular movie

and sit there in the dark

with your arm around me

and munch on some popcorn--

that I mind.

Oh, I mind that very much.

You know, right now

I'd trade all this

movie star crap

for one moment when you and I

could just go out

and not be scared

to be ourselves,

you know that?

When you finish

that picture next week,

I thought we'd head up north,

take in a little fishin'.

Pitch ourselves

a tent in the woods,

just the two of us.

Okay, now get in the tub.

( splashing )

No, it's hot!

Sit down! Don't be

such a chicken!

Yeah, well, I'd like

to see you do it.

Okay, move over.

I'm comin' in.

Ha ha ha!

Yessir, nothin' like

a good day of fishin'

to make a man

feel like a man.

Clark, honey,

when you get a chance,

could I have my thing,

you know, to fish?

I'm sorry, honey.

I didn't know you

wanted to fish.

Well, I thought

I'd give it a whirl.

Well, sure.

And don't feel bad

if you don't catch anything.

This ain't the sort of thing

that comes easy to a woman.

I got something here!

Look at this one!

This is a beauty, baby!

What do you call that thing?

Could you hold that

for a minute? I gotta...

Oh!

Hey, I don't have

any more hooks over here.

You got some hooks

on your thingamabob

over there, darling?

Great. Just stick it on.

This is more fun

than I've had in ages, baby.

This is livin', huh, kid?

It sure is.

Boy, sometimes I could dump

all this movie star crap

and just buy myself a little

log cabin or farm somewhere

and spend all my time fishin'

or baling hay.

Yeah, you're

pretty good in the hay.

Aw, come on, kid,

gimme a break.

I've been casting

that rod all day!

Honey,

you haven't even begun.

( honks horn )

Hey, Ben? What's up?

Mr. Gable,

there's some reporters

up at the station.

They know you're up here.

They kept askin' me

who you were with.

Oh.

Well, hold on a minute,

Ben. I better go up with ya.

All right.

You heard?

I'm sorry, ma.

I know how much you were

looking forward to this,

but you're gonna

have to go back

to town tonight.

I'll go up

to the ranger station

and have a couple of drinks

with 'em.

You take the wagon,

I'll meet you back in town

tomorrow night.

I really am sorry.

I know that, sweetie.

I know.

Nice big smile,

Mr. Gable?

Beautiful!

Can I get you here

on top of the stairs?

It's gonna be a biggie,

Hedda.

Matter of fact,

in this picture

the South wins.

But now,

this British girl,

how can she possibly

be having a Southern accent?

Well, she's Southern British.

I can understand

what she's sayin'.

Ha ha ha!

Put that down!

That, I'm gonna use.

But when you get

to the burning of Atlanta,

I've got to be on the set.

Hedda, just

bring your own coal.

All right,

come on, kids.

Can I get all of you

as a group?

Just two together there,

Mr. Gable.

Hedda, come on, smile.

Get in there, Clark.

A little closer.

Thank you.

Hedda, darling!

Carole, my dear!

How are you?

Who's the lucky man?

Don Raglin,

Hedda Hopper.

How do you do?

Clark, do you know

Carole Lombard?

Did you say

Carole Lombard?

I think we've met before,

Miss Lombard.

Yes. I'm a great fan

of yours, Mr. Gable.

We've seen so little

of you lately, my dear.

What have you been doing

with your evenings?

Oh, you haven't heard?

I've enrolled

in a night school

gardening course.

You must join us.

I'm sure you'd enjoy groveling

in all that good dirt.

Fantastic sense of humor

in that Lombard.

Can we have a picture

of you and Mr. Raglin,

please?

COOP:

Hedda, sit down with Clark

and get yourself a good story.

Can you look this way,

Miss Lombard?

Together, please.

Will you clown one up

for us, please, Miss Lombard?

Clown one up for 'em.

Could you get your arm

around her, Mr. Raglin?

Of course.

COOP: I love this one

of the tongue sticking out.

I'll take it wallet-size.

Hello, Don.

Ivan.

Excuse me, Carole,

I'll be back in a minute.

Thank you, Don.

Look, Carole,

I'm sorry about this.

But what could we do?

It's all right, Ivan.

Look. The big ape

can't even tie his tie right.

How can you let him

go out like that?

You're my favorite movie star.

Well, Hedda,

how we doin'?

HEDDA:

We are ready

for the picture.

Ready? Fine.

Get me in, please.

It's picture time.

Okay, fellas, go ahead.

Have a feast. Have a good time.

Could you move in closer,

Mr. Gable?

Could you put your arm

around Miss Leigh?

Give me one of

those Gable smiles.

Beautiful!

Sit closer to him, Viv.

That's it.

( both cough )

DIRECTOR:

Cue.

Vic, you sure

you need all this smoke?

Don't worry about it.

It looks fine. Keep rolling.

Okay, Scarlett--

( coughs )

It's the end of the road.

( both coughing )

Cut.

Let's do it again.

Take me back upstairs.

Take it back to number one!

Vivien, honey,

don't try to climb

out of the wagon by yourself.

You get the wrong angle

from the camera.

Clark'll help you down.

All right, we all set?

Watch your step, Vivien.

Somebody clean up

after that horse!

Stand by, everybody!

Quiet on the set!

Lights! Camera!

Action!

Clark! Where are you going?

Hey, fellas,

deal me in.

I'm feelin' fitter

than a fiddle,

hotter than a pistol.

Pass that hand over here.

Oh, what is this?

What do you call that,

a royal straight flush?

What's the name

of that there hand?

I've never seen anything

quite like that before.

I need a few more cards

in here.

Oh, hi, sonny.

You're lookin' mighty handsome

in that white suit.

I'm sorry, boys,

but we're gonna

need this man onstage.

Why'd you tell 'em that?

Come on, old-timer.

Wait! I can walk

on my own two legs!

I still got spice

in these here--

LOMBARD:

Come on!

What do you think

you're doing?!

You big ape!

Would you just

let me down?!

Come on!

Okay, the fun's over.

I just wanted to see

some of the picture,

that's all.

Wouldn't be you were

interested in my love scene

with that English dame?

You are crazy, Gable!

God, a lot of nerve!

I just wanted to see

if you were doing any acting

over there.

You know, baby,

I know it's been

tough on ya,

the way we've had to live,

but it's been

tough on me, too.

I've been

pushin' the lawyers

all I can.

You think I care?

I got my freedom.

I can come and go

as I please.

Do you think I want

to be with you every minute?

Frankly, my dear,

I don't give a damn.

Okay, then you've got nothing

to be jealous about.

Jealous?!

Yeah!

Spyin' on me like that,

acting all stupid

and immature.

What do you think

you're doing, Mr. Butler?

I'm gonna show you

you got nothing to

worry about.

Yeah, spying

and sneaking around!

When I get through with you,

you'll know you got

nothin' to worry about!

Oh, I bet I will.

You presumptuous bastard!

I've got better things to do

than spy on you! Ho ho ho!

I'm going back to Paramount.

I've got to finish

my bathtub scene.

Bathtub scene?

I told you that.

You didn't tell me about it.

Oh, yes, I did.

The other night.

You were reading a script

or something.

Oh?

Yeah, yeah,

I remember.

Well, we seem to be

having some problems.

The cameraman says that

you can see the top of

my bathing suit

through the bubbles,

so I'm not

gonna wear anything.

You're not?

No.

But that's okay,

you really can't

see anything

through all those bubbles.

Are you sure?

Sure? Oh, sure I'm sure.

The only other person

who'll know is the other actor

when he jumps in.

The other actor's gonna

be in the tub with you?

Well, yeah.

But he's a gentleman.

He'll keep his hands off.

Oh, well, hell,

I don't care.

It's business, anyway.

That's right, baby.

It's business.

See you later, honey.

See you later.

MAN: Okay, let's fix up

that bubble machine,

let's get it started now.

( singing )

That's it, baby.

More! More! Excitement!

I want excitement!

More! You know who's coming

into this room--your lover!

That's it! Joy!

Joy, darling, joy! Passion!

Okay, you up high.

You! Electrician!

You, with the magazine!

That's right, you.

Would you please put a net

on that 5K?

Okay, now let's

get Jack in here.

Put Jack in the bathtub

with Carole,

and we'll have

a big clinch,

and a big wonderful,

warm kiss!

JACK: Diana.

Steven.

Darling, I'm sorry about--

Okay, okay,

we know the words,

blah, blah, blah, blah.

Go over and kiss.

I wanna see the kiss.

The kiss. Yeah.

Oh, whooee!

Where'd you learn

to kiss like that?

Whoo-hoo!

Oh, baby, I haven't

been kissed like that

in months!

Oh, we gotta

do this again.

This is the most fun

I've had in years.

Oh, if the men I knew

could kiss like that!

Oh!

Oh, I love it, I love it,

I love it!

DIRECTOR: We'll have

another rehearsal--

We gotta keep rehearsing!

We will. Jack, I wanna see you.

Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!

Off with the robe.

Get into the tub with Carole.

GABLE: Fire!

Fire!!!

Where?

Go on, everybody,

off the stage!

Carole, get outta there!

Come on! Come on! Fire!

( crew screaming,

running away )

Okay, put this on!

You're going home right now!

You weren't jealous,

were you, my love?

It's so stupid to be

jealous and insecure.

( laughs )

You big dope!

I love you.

LOMBARD:

You know something, Gable?

When I looked up

and saw you on that scaffold,

it was the most

beautiful thing

I ever seen.

It told me something.

Maybe you are

a little stuck on me, huh?

Yeah, it was dumb of me.

I shouldn't have done it.

Yeah. Yeah, sure.

You tough guy.

Gable...

I want to make a baby with you.

Right now.

Honey, you're crazy.

I want him

to have your ears.

You're nuts.

No.

I just love you.

( knock at door )

( knocking )

Who in the hell is that?

( knocking )

Go get it, baby.

( sighs )

( knocking )

L.b. MAYER:

Clark, my boy.

How are you?

GABLE: Okay, L.B.

You don't mind

if I come in, do you?

No, come in.

I'm not interrupting

anything, am I?

No. I was just

taking some sun.

This is very lovely.

I especially

admire the plants.

I didn't know

you liked horticulture.

Him? He likes

any kind of whore.

So, tell me, you two--

how long did you plan on

keeping this a secret?

Secret? I just picked

this bum up on skid row.

I thought I'd bring him home

for a hot meal.

You'll excuse me

if I don't laugh.

It's not a laughing matter.

If I do anything

I'm gonna cry,

because if I found out,

how long until Hedda and Louella

and then the whole country?

Clark and I are very happy here.

We're not hurting anyone.

If the whole universe

finds out, we're still not

hurting anyone.

You're perfectly right, darling,

you're hurting nobody.

But people do not pay money

to see immoralists.

It's immoral

to be in love?

Carole--

Well, it makes me so damn mad,

all this phony bullshit!

Well, if you

got the divorce--

We're trying.

You try moving her.

That's funny.

I hear she can be moved.

They say Ria's been

perfectly willing to

grant a divorce

for the right price.

But certain parties

won't pay it.

Where'd you hear that one,

under the dryer?

No, I got that

on pretty good authority.

Her attorney.

Now, look, you two,

you take my advice.

You go home, to your own homes,

and you don't see each other

until you get the divorce.

Unless you're tired

of this business.

I'll see myself out, Clark.

Very nice plants,

my boy.

( door closes )

What do you want for dinner?

Chicken or hamburger?

Carole, I gotta explain.

You want chicken

or hamburger?

I know what you're thinkin'.

I'm thinkin'

I'd rather have hamburger.

Come on,

I'm trying to talk to you.

Why? There's really

nothing to talk about.

Look, I was wrong.

I shoulda told you.

Really?

You think it would

make any difference?

Come on, baby,

cut the phony cover-up.

I know you by now.

I forgot.

It's Dr. Freud.

Forgive me if I show

my naivet.

You see, I was living

under the delusion

that underneath

this self-righteous stud

was an honest man.

God, I'm a fool.

I think he's happy with me?

It's a joke.

What is it, baby,

the money, the convenience,

the steady lay?

I hope it's not

the Sunday morning biscuits,

'cause if it is,

then all this time

you coulda been

screwing Betty Crocker!

You're upset.

Now, relax, will ya?

God, nothing shakes you!

You really are

made of stone! 'Cause

I'm trying to be rational?

'Cause you're being

so piss-collected cool!

Can't you once leave

your goddamn image

at the studio?!

( crying )

Carole, listen to me.

Let me explain.

Mayer's right--

for a price,

Ria'd give me a divorce.

All I gotta do

is give her the moon.

If I gave her

everything I've saved,

and most all my future income,

I'd be a free man.

I suppose if I really

wanted a divorce, I'd do it.

Only I guess down deep

I don't really want one.

It's not you, baby.

You're everything

a guy could hope for.

It's just that

I've tried it twice before.

I was married once

before Ria.

It didn't work out.

I've never been able to

make it work out with anyone.

I guess I just don't got what

it takes to make a woman happy.

That's not true, baby.

You made me happy.

But I'm scared, Carole.

I just don't have the guts

to try it again,

hurt somebody else.

You dummy.

What do you take me for,

Some kind of a cupcake?

I'm not gonna let you hurt me.

I flattened you once,

I can do it again.

Don't you see?

I don't care about divorces

and settlements.

The hell with Ria.

I wouldn't let you

pay her price.

Don't you see?

If you feel for me

what I feel for you,

then who cares about whether

it's recorded downtown?

Let them keep

their piece of paper--

what we got's

a hell of a lot

more binding.

Only--

only from now on,

let's be honest

with each other,

'cause I can take anything,

you know?

As long as you love me.

And you do love me,

don't you, baby?

You know I do.

You know, it's funny--

all this time

we've been together,

I never heard you say it.

Well, you know

how I feel, baby.

I know. It'd be awful nice

to hear you say it.

Come on, kid.

Could you just say it?

Would you cut it out?

Just say, "I love you."

I don't need to!

Would you just say it,

damnit?!

No! I can't, okay?

I'm just not the kind of guy

that can say those things.

Some guys can say 'em,

I can't. So what?!

You're not frightened

of marriage.

That's a crock of shit.

You're frightened of yourself

and your feelings for a woman

'cause you think

it makes you less of a man.

You and your phony image of

what a man is supposed to be--

"Just screw 'em and leave 'em."

Well, I got news for you,

honey.

They can plant

all the hair in Hollywood

on your chest,

but it still

doesn't make you a man,

it makes you just what you are

right now--

nothin'.

Nothin'.

Where do you think

you're goin'?

I'm gonna take

the next train to Indiana

to see my mother.

What do you want?

Okay, you got it.

Yeah? Got what?

What you want.

Yeah?

What the hell is that?

How many times

I gotta say it?

I love ya.

What was that?

I love ya.

Okay?!

You could say it

with a little more feeling.

What, are you

a director now, too?

If you're gonna say it,

say it like you mean it.

Okay.

I love you!!!

Come on,

open the door.

Come on in,

it's open.

What are you waitin' for,

you big ape?

Get your pants off.

And keep 'em off

till we get to Indiana.

I love you, ma.

I really love you.

And I always will.

MAN:

This price is

as close as we can come

to meeting your demands,

Mrs. Gable.

It isn't what you were asking,

but I don't think you can

fault his generosity.

RIA: No,

I certainly can't.

But the answer is...no.

GABLE:

Okay, forget it.

Just give her

what she wants.

Everything.

To the penny.

The whole thing.

I'll draw up the papers.

No.

I've changed my mind.

I'd prefer to remain

Mrs. Clark Gable.

Particularly now.

When did this come out?

Three hours ago.

You've defiled me

in public, Clark.

I'm afraid you're gonna

have to pay for it.

Ria, I respected you.

I appreciated

what you did for me.

The last thing I'd ever do

is hurt you.

But I'm sorry.

I didn't know what the word

"love" meant before this.

But now I do...

for the first time.

And I'm askin' you

to understand.

( Lombard singing )

Oh, baby! Oh!

Did everything go all right?

Sure, kid, just great.

Oh, darling.

Close your eyes.

I got a surprise.

Come on, go inside.

I got something to show you.

Get walkin'.

( chuckles )

Can you make it?

Oh, you're such a--

( both laugh )

Oh. Ah. Bad move.

Okay, go.

Can you find your way?

Can you?

Think you can make it?

All right, okay,

you can let me down,

but if you open your eyes,

I'm gonna...

Oh, you!

I hope you didn't

see anything.

All right.

( blows noise maker )

I thought we'd have

a little celebration

'cause we finally

got rid of Ria.

Here you go.

I got you a little present.

Come on, open it up!

It's for you, big boy.

What the hell?

What kind of gizmo is this?

Here, read the card.

"To The King.

"That part of you

more precious than gold

this will protect

from catching cold."

Don't you get it?

What's the matter

with you, Gable?

Is something wrong?

What is it, baby?

Oh, God.

At least we got

out of there in time.

Only how long

till they find this place?

I wasn't gonna tell ya

till later.

I didn't want to

spoil your party.

Ria took one look at that,

and no deal. At any price.

Unless we budge her,

I don't know what

we're gonna do.

I guess I don't have to tell you

that all hell's broken loose.

The studio's got me meeting

with a group of ladies tomorrow

to deny that article.

They want you there, too.

What are we gonna do, ma?

You know, I, uh...

I heard a good one today.

A guy's walking down the street

and he bumps into his doctor.

He says, "Doc,

me and the wife,

we got problems.

"We never seem to

get the urge at the same time.

When I want to, she don't,

and when she wants to, I don't."

The doc says, "Harry,

don't you worry about a thing.

"Next time you get the urge,

"you just stop

whatever you're doing,

"take her in your arms,

and do it.

Don't give her a chance

to say no. She'll love it."

So a few days later

he bumps into the doctor again,

he says, "Doc,

I took your advice

and it worked.

"There we were

having dinner last night

"and suddenly I got the urge

and I took her in my arms,

"I ripped off her clothes,

and I went at her

right there on the table.

She loved it."

He says, "Wonderful,

Harry, I told ya."

He says, "Yeah, Doc,

I really appreciate it.

"Only one things bothers me--

We'll never be going

back to the Brown Derby!"

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Yeah.

Ha ha ha.

Hmm. I thought

it was kinda cute.

( sighs )

You know something,

Gable?

You really are

an ungrateful son-of-a-bitch.

Get off your ass.

Someone gives you a present

and you don't even have

the courtesy to try it on.

Cut it out, will ya?

Cut it out?

Cut it out?

Honey, you don't know what I

went through to get this thing.

You think it was easy

trying to describe

to Mrs. Peabody

what I wanted

down at the knit shop?

Mmm. Mmm.

I had to tell her it was for

keeping cucumbers fresh

in the summer.

( unzips pants )

Oh.

It's a good thing

she's not a vegetarian.

What are you doin'?

I gotta find out

if it fits, ya know?

I think it might be

a little bit too big.

Might have to

shrink it in the wash

or take it in a little,

or maybe you'll

grow into it.

Eh, baby? Hmm?

Hmm...

Ha ha ha ha!

Cucumber's lookin'

pretty fresh to me.

Ha ha ha ha!

Oh, baby.

You see? I knew

I'd get you to laugh.

Don't you see, baby?

Now it's all we've got.

It's our way of fighting back.

If we give in,

if we feel sorry for ourselves,

we don't have a chance.

If we could just hang on

to our sense of humor,

then no matter

how shitty things get,

it doesn't matter,

they'll never be

as bad as we think.

'Cause there's a little hope

if you can just be willing

to stand up and fight.

And we're gonna

fight like hell.

Goddamnit, baby,

nobody's ever gonna beat us.

Good morning, ladies,

and a very warm welcome

to you all.

We're gathered here this morning

in the spirit of wholesomeness

and patriotism,

our trademarks here at MGM.

Are you sure I don't

have too much lipstick on?

No.

Do I look

all right?

Yeah, yeah.

Betsy Ross'd be proud.

MAN: Miss Lombard!

Mr. Mayer would

like you to have this.

Your speech for the meeting.

It's right in there.

Okay.

COOP:

So, ladies, it is with

the utmost pride and respect

that I introduce to you

a man of unquestionable dignity,

unwavering morality,

a God-fearing man

whose character

has been a source

of inspiration to all of us

here at Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer.

Ladies, I present to you

Mr. Clark Gable.

( one person applauds )

GABLE:

Ladies, I stand before you today

with enormous disappointment

in the honesty of the press,

shocked by accusations

that have been made against

Miss Carole Lombard and myself.

From the two occasions

I've had the opportunity

to meet Miss Lombard,

the, uh, American Legion Picnic

and the Pasadena Flag Day

Festival,

I can tell you beyond question

that she is a lady

of unequaled virtue

and great moral fiber.

Come on, Dixie, get in the car.

Let's get out of here.

What took you so long?

Now, when you meet Miss Lombard,

I'm sure you'll agree

that she can serve

as a shining beacon

in all our lives,

to light our lives with purity

and dignity--

LOMBARD:

Well, there's my horny

little hunk of horsemeat!

Where you been Angel Ass,

you're late for your

ten o'clock screw.

Mama can't wait all day,

she's got customers.

Oh, hiya, dolls,

how ya doin'?

You must be the new shipment

they sent over

to keep Gable happy.

Whaddya get?

Ten bucks a trick?

That'd be highway robbery.

Christ, none of these dames

look like they've been at it

since the dawn

of civilization!

Well, you just keep

that log rollin', honey,

because the oven's hot

and the rooster's ready to crow!

Stuff here, he calls me Rooster,

'cause of my motto--

"Cock-a-doodle-do!

Cock-a-doodle-do

Any cock'll do!"

Shame on you!

COOP:

Please! Please, ladies!

Ladies! Ladies!

Ladies, please be seated!

It's only a little joke!

She's only trying--

she's a big practical joker.

I'd like you to meet Mr. Gable's

old Sunday School teacher...

Carole, what's the matter?

Carole?

Please be seated, everybody!

Okay, now I'm gonna

tell you what I think of you.

I'm sorry,

but I couldn't help it.

Nobody has a right

to tell us how to live.

And I'd do it again

if I had the chance.

You would, would ya?

Yeah, I would!

Well, I'm gonna

teach you a lesson.

Dixie, get out.

Shall I call the police?

I can take care of myself.

If you come near me,

you big ape,

I'm gonna knock your block off!

Oh, yeah?

Yeah!

And don't try any of

your fancy business.

Let go of me,

you big bully!

As soon as I tell you

what I think of you.

I don't care

what you think of me!

Listen, you dizzy dame!

I'm proud of you!

What'd you say?

I said I'm proud of you.

You are?

Well, sure.

I'd have done it myself,

but I couldn't find

a red dress to fit.

Oh, my baby.

Now I'm gonna

teach you a lesson...

you skinny, dizzy,

dishwater blond.

I just want you to know that

whatever dumb thing

you ever do...

I'm always gonna be

right there...

with you.

Are they in there?

Yes.

What happened?

Clark, coming in.

GABLE:

Oh, get lost.

We've got trouble.

Don't tell me the ladies

are still upset.

The ladies--

that was easy.

Kids...

we've got real trouble.

Well, our lawyer says

she won't settle.

She's not looking for a payoff.

She wants the baby

and she wants you

declared the father.

We knew the nuts

would come out

of the woodwork

when that

magazine article

was printed.

We'll just have to get

the best lawyers,

try to discredit her in court,

and hope we can beat it.

Wait a minute.

I'll just make a statement.

I'll tell the truth,

that he's been with me

every night.

And that'll be

the end of it.

Who do I call? The DA?

MAYER:

That's very funny,

my dear.

You're gonna call

and tell everybody

that everything that we

have been trying

to cover up all these months

is really the truth?

Broderick, are you pushing

this girl too hard?

BRODERICK:

Carole, he's right.

That's suicide.

He'll have the best lawyers.

We'll get Geisler.

Ivan, make a call now.

Get Geisler on the phone.

Ivan, please sit down.

Who do I listen to, L.B.?

You listen to me, Ivan.

Now sit down for a while.

All right, now,

What, darling?

They'll say he had

the best lawyers

that Metro could buy,

that's how he got off.

I don't care

how innocent you prove him,

something like this,

he's still guilty,

nobody's gonna believe

he didn't do it.

'Cause the don't want to.

They'll say

we bought the verdict.

I can't have that,

Mr. Mayer.

Careers, business,

money--

is that all

you guys think about?

For chrissake,

you gotta have

some principles.

I did what I did today

because I had to.

Maybe I was wrong,

but at least I did

what I had to do.

Well, I'm not wrong

about this.

And I'm not gonna sit back

and let 'em chop my man up

when all I have to do

is tell the truth.

If they don't want my pictures

because of what I am...

screw 'em.

I've got

a costume fitting

at eleven.

I don't want

to be late.

I've said all

I had to say.

BRODERICK:

Wardrobe fittings--

why waste time?

The picture's supposed

to start in two weeks.

What's the point now?

Who's gonna play it?

Look, we knew

we were taking a chance

when we started.

I got a few bucks saved up.

I've always wanted

to get a farm.

That's very nice, my boy.

I think everyone should do

what they always wanted to do.

So you do

what you want to do,

my son.

You do what'll make you happy.

I believe that you alone

can be happy on that farm,

because I know you were

never that crazy about

being an actor.

But what about Carole?

Can she?

You heard her.

Yes. Yes, I did.

Perhaps she is different from

every other actress in town.

Perhaps she is a saint.

Perhaps she does have

that supernatural power

to remain untouched by life.

What's that

supposed to mean?

Maybe it's just that

I've seen too many actresses

react the same way--

robbed of all

that life has come to mean,

and then go to ruin.

The list is endless--

Eagels, Normand...

drugs, booze...

institutions,

suicide.

One day a legend,

the next a poor soul

on the street.

And you think

Carole's like that?

Of course, you ask her now,

she'll say,

"To hell with the career."

She's got you.

So, you promise me one thing.

You promise me that you'll

never let her out of your sight.

Especially those days when she

might get a little restless...

and she knows

she could never come back.

You just promise me that

you'll never let her be alone.

Pa!

Darling!

Pa?

Clark!

Oh, I'm so glad you're here.

I don't know what got into me.

I couldn't stay

in the house by myself.

I had to go get some groceries.

I guess I just

missed you a lot, baby.

You know, I saw the way

you looked at me today

in Mayer's office.

I really felt

very, very loved.

I just couldn't wait

for you to come home.

I love you, bad baby.

What the hell you doin'?

Come on, hold it!

That's what I'm tryin' to do.

What's the matter,

you got a headache?

I'm just kidding.

Look...

tomorrow morning

I'm gonna go down

to the DA.

And everything

is gonna be okay,

I promise you.

Now I'm gonna go make you

your favorite dinner,

and you're gonna

feel wonderful

and happy and sassy.

Oh, I got you

something great tonight,

honey.

So, you're gonna

talk to the DA?

Yeah.

The only problem is,

if you you do that...

...you're gonna be

making a mistake.

What are you

talking about?

It's the truth.

What is?

About the kid.

( laughs )

Would you cut it out, Gable?

Save it for

the Academy, honey.

( laughing )

But it's my kid.

Look, it's a nice try, Gable.

The gag ain't gonna work.

It's not a gag.

I just don't want to see you

embarrass yourself in front

of the DA.

You're the one who ought

to be embarrassed.

If you're gonna go around

banging some flea-brained slut,

you should at least

have the courtesy

to spare the world

descendents.

Maybe. But it's my mistake

and I gotta pay for it.

Oh, come on.

You sound like

you're serious.

I am.

She claims you

spend the night with her.

We've been together

every single night.

You're forgetting

about that week

I went on location.

I left here on Monday

and we didn't start shooting

till Wednesday.

Would you cut it out?

I don't believe this.

You're just trying

to get back at me for

what I did this morning.

Well, it's worked, all right?

Now just stop it.

I don't think

it's funny anymore.

I'm sorry, baby.

Gable, I don't believe this.

It's been good with us.

Hasn't it?

Yeah, it was for a while.

But, uh...well,

to tell you the truth,

it just got a little dull.

I, uh, needed a change.

I guess this kind of thing

happens when two people

have been together

for a while.

Look, honey,

I wouldn't hurt you

for the world.

And I...

I didn't want to tell you this,

but...

I--I couldn't think

of any other way to stop you.

You left me no choice.

It's true, huh?

It's really true?

Yes.

You swear?

I'm tellin' you

the truth.

Just swear.

I swear it's the truth.

Get out.

( coin jingles )

A. D. Broderick.

Clark Gable.

Broderick?

Yeah, you can go ahead

with your picture.

Carole isn't gonna

give you any more trouble.

( hangs up )

( tearfully )

Look at him,

sitting over there.

Thinks he can

can do anything he wants,

big movie star.

I swore on the Bible

this morning, and that

means something to me.

And I swear to you,

he's the father of my child.

Holy Mary, mother of God...

( all talking )

Clark, they'd believe you

in a minute--one minute--

if you could prove to 'em where

you been spending your nights.

You, uh...

you heard anything

from Carole at all?

Yeah, she's on location

in Arizona.

Hear the picture's

going very well.

Listen, Clark,

I know this is lousy timing,

but I think I better tell you

before you read about it

tomorrow.

The legal department

is using the morals clause

to get out of your contract.

We've been instructed

to stop all publicity on you.

Yeah, I figured.

People forget fast, Clark.

I'll bet you won't

be out of it more than

a couple of years.

Then you can come back into it.

Maybe a good supporting role.

Oh, hell, at least

you and Carole will

be together again.

It wouldn't work, Coop.

Wouldn't be the same.

What's different?

I'd be telling her I only

did it to save her career,

so she can be grateful to me

for the rest of our lives.

Why, she'd be guilty,

sorry makin' 3 Gs a week.

I'd be a hero--

makin' a buck an hour.

No, maybe I'll go

back home to Ohio,

find me a little farm.

Ladies and gentlemen

of the jury...

you see sitting before you

a man accused unjustly

of an act he did not commit.

The plaintiff has charged

that the defendant, Mr. Gable,

took advantage

of her generosity.

As this trial has shown,

the plaintiff, Miss Watson,

is indeed a very generous woman.

In fact, she has endeavored

to prove that generosity

on numerous occasions.

In this trial

there has been no evidence--

Excuse me, Mr. Kramer.

Gentlemen.

( whispering )

( whispering )

Will you call the witness,

please?

BAILIFF:

The court calls

the next witness.

Carole Lombard

is here to testify.

What?

( spectators murmur )

( judge strikes gavel )

Place your left hand

on the Bible and raise

your right hand, please.

Do you solemnly swear

to tell the truth,

the whole truth,

and nothing but the truth,

so help you God?

Yes, sir, I do.

State your name.

Carole Lombard.

Be seated.

Your Honor, may I have a moment

to confer with the witness?

Yes, go ahead.

( whispering )

We're ready, Your Honor.

Miss Lombard,

how long have you known

the defendant?

Several years, sir.

I see. Now, Miss Lombard,

what is the nature

of your relationship

with the defendant?

Well, sir, uh...

the defendant and I, uh,

we've--

Miss Lombard,

just take your time.

Don't be nervous,

remain calm,

and just try to

answer the question

in any manner in which

you feel most comfortable.

Oh, thank you,

Your Honor.

Well, uh...

...me and that big ape

over there

have been hitting the sack

every night,

and I got a sore back

to prove it.

( laughter,

judge strikes gavel )

Miss Lombard,

are you saying

that you and the defendant--

a married man--

have been actively...

engaging in illicit activity?

Yep. And loving

every minute of it.

( laughter,

gavel strikes )

Now, Miss Lombard,

do you believe

that the defendant

has been faithful to you in

the time you've been together?

Yes, sir, I do.

Isn't it possible

that he could have been

seeing other women

without your knowledge?

It's highly unlikely.

And why is that?

Because we've been together

every night.

( loud murmuring )

Every night?

Every night.

Except for the Monday

he left on the 8:45 Superchief

and arrived at a location

the same night,

ready to begin shooting

early Tuesday morning--

not Wednesday morning.

So you're saying

that you and the defendant

have been together every night

since he's been in town?

In the same bed.

If there was someone else

in there with us, sweetie,

I'd have known.

( laughter )

Now, Miss Lombard,

isn't it possible

that the defendant

could have gotten up

in the middle of the night,

gotten dressed,

met somebody,

and then come back?

Well, it--it's, uh...

it's highly unlikely.

Why is that?

Uh, can I show you

the way we sleep?

Please.

Well, uh, I'm on this side

and he's on this side,

and he's got his butt

right up there against mine,

and it's, uh, it's, uh,

it's warm and it's round.

It's soft,

maybe a little bit

too soft,

but it's there--

all night.

If he moves it,

believe me, I know.

( laughter )

JUDGE: Mr. Kramer,

I think if you'd

make a motion for dismissal,

this court might be

favorably disposed.

We so move,

Your Honor.

Motion granted.

This case is dismissed.

REPORTER:

What's gonna happen

to their careers?

I'll be very frank with you--

I don't know.

Come on, honey,

the car's right out here.

Happy Valentine's Day,

Clark.

Where'd you get it?

I bought it. For you.

Thanks, baby.

And thanks for

getting me off, ma.

Only you know you knocked out

two careers with one punch.

I always packed

a pretty good punch.

You must have thought

I was some dummy,

feeding me that line

and me falling for it.

Oh, I don't know.

Oh, come on.

There I was

out in the middle of the desert,

and I was trying

to think things out.

Suddenly it hits me.

This guy has hardly got

enough for me--

how's he gonna be

knockin' off all these dames

on the side?

Wait just a minute!

Come on, Gable.

You're good once

or twice at a time.

What about Thanksgiving?

4th of July? Halloween?!

Okay, so you're hot

on holidays.

Anyway, it didn't take Einstein

to figure out why you did it.

Oh, you dummy!

Don't you know me by now?

I'm not gonna

stay out of a fight.

If they're gonna kick you out,

they're gonna

have to kick me out

right along with you.

How do you feel about

milking cows

the rest of your life?

We'll get some chickens,

a tractor, a few acres--

why, we'll be living

so high off the hog

the hens'll be laying

fried eggs.

If they're your hens,

they'll lay anything.

( ignition stutters )

What kind of a car is this?

Oh, there we go.

This is going

right next to our bed

so every morning

when I wake up I'll see it.

I'll remember how

I felt that day...

how I'm gonna feel every day

for the rest of our lives.

Well, I just hope you don't

miss all the excitement, ma.

Excitement? Come on.

You know. I just hope

you don't get bored

after a couple of years.

We'll be too busy

raising cows and chickens and...

if Ria doesn't give in,

a couple of little bastards.

I hope so, ma.

Maybe you're right.

Maybe I will miss

the excitement...

when we're eighty-three

and can't move, except to itch.

I guess it'll be

too late then.

We'll just have to

get ourselves

a couple of great rockers

and sit out on our porch...

two weary old farmers.

And maybe the most

exciting thing of all

will just be to

turn to each other...

when everyone else

has forgotten us...

see nothing but

the same two dopes

we see today.

Let's get over to Paramount

and pack your things.

Okay.

You know,

there's one good thing.

There was a premiere tonight

the studio wanted me to go to.

I'll never have to another one

of those dumb things.

What's the picture?

Any good?

I don't know.

Everyone in town's

gonna be there.

Oh, yeah?

Everyone, huh?

Mm-hmm.

You know,

you're always yakking about

me not taking you anywhere.

How would you feel about

taking in a movie tonight?

Well, after today,

they're likely to

throw tomatoes at us.

Well, you know me, kid--

I always did have an eye

for a ripe tomato.

Yes, everyone in Hollywood

is here tonight.

This certainly has been

a star-studded premiere,

hasn't it, Hedda?

It really has, Tommy.

We've seen Gary Cooper,

Robert Taylor,

Jeanette MacDonald--

they're all here.

And I see another car

pulling up now--

let's see who gets out.

( crowd goes silent )

( applause builds )

( cheers )

TOMMY:

It's Carole Lombard

and Clark Gable.

We'll try to bring them up here

to our radio microphone.

Clark, can we get you

over here for a second

with Carole

to our radio audience?

Good evening, Carole,

how are you?

Clark, how are you?

COOP: Kids, we're

back in business again.

Hedda, thank you

for that wonderful story.

Tommy, do you mind

if I read it?

"Two great stars,

very much in love,

"had the courage

to go before the public

with the truth.

And for this,

they deserve our

undying respect."

Bless you.

Here, listen to this.

Walter Winchell,

four-star extra--

"The heroes are the lovers.

The villain is the wife

who keeps them apart."

Louella, the same thing.

"Today in the courtroom

love triumphed."

The phone calls are coming in,

the telegrams haven't stopped.

And here's

the best news of all.

Hot off the AP wire--

"Ria Gable gives in,

grants Clark Gable divorce."

Come on, kids,

let's go in

and see a movie.

Congratulations!

( applause )

NEWSREEL:

It was a busy week

on the eastern seaboard

as a bevy of beauties from

each of our forty-eight states

converged on Atlantic City

for the annual

Miss America pageant...

Who do you

think you are--

Clark Gable?

...swimsuit competition.

As the week drew

to a close,

the lucky winner was a very

emotional Miss from Alabama.

In Europe, as Hitler

continues his hypnotic hold

on the German people,

the question

"Is war inevitable?"

waits for an answer...

Zieg heil! Zieg heil!

Zieg heil...

Americans, too,

may soon be asking

the same question--

war or peace?

Only time can tell.

Honey, did you hear

on the radio?

It's awful--

we surrendered Corregidor.

MacArthur's left

the Philippines.

Don't worry

about it, honey.

We may take a long time

to get rollin',

but we'll get 'em.

I hope so.

What's in the mail?

Well, there's a check

from your studio,

a check from my studio.

Uh-huh. Anything else?

That letter

you've been waiting for.

What are you

talking about?

I know all about it.

The U.S. Army

can't win without you.

You got me all

figured out, don't you?

From that first drop

of phony blood.

I'm gonna be

an aerial gunner.

Guy in Washington

told me they were short

of recruits,

that if I joined up it'd help

their volunteer program.

Finally found me a good way

to make all this

movie star crap pay off.

Don't worry, ma,

I'll be all right.

I know that.

I'm joining up myself.

Yeah. I got a call

from Roz this morning.

She's forming a committee

to sell war bonds all over

the country.

You know me--never could

stay out of a good fight.

Why, you'll put Eisenhower

right out of business.

You'll take care of yourself,

won't you, Mr. Gable?

You know damn well

I will, Mrs. Gable.

Look what I got

to come back to--

you, this place...

Whatever happens, ma,

we got a lot of years

to be thankful for.

Nothing's gonna

take that away.

( car approaches, stops )

Clark.

Hiya, kid.

Got here as soon as I could.

I understand

they spotted some survivors

near the wreckage.

Any word yet?

Be any time now.

It's funny, Coop--

from the day I enlisted...

she was afraid something

was gonna happen to me.

I hear she sold

two million bucks' worth

of war bonds

in Indianapolis yesterday.

The kid set a record.

You never could

keep her down, could you?

( voice breaking )

I told her to--

to take the train.

She has an appointment

tomorrow in L.A.

with another specialist.

She wants that kid so badly.

I told her it didn't matter.

Hell, I got enough trouble

takin' care of her.

Mr. Gable.

I'm sorry about your wife...

but there are no survivors.

How about the people

they spotted near the wreckage?

An advance rescue party.

We just received

confirmation.

I want to go up.

It's gonna be

pretty tough

to make an identification.

I don't care.

Don't go up there, kid.

That's not how

she wants to be remembered.

( car starts )

Hey, uh...

I, uh...

heard a--

I heard a...

a good one today.

A guy tells his doc...

"Doc, me and the wife

don't seem to be able to...

get the urge

at the same time."

The doc says to him...

"Next time you get the urge,

well...

"just...just grab her

right there and do it.

It'll work."

So a few days later

he sees the doc

and says, "Hey, Doc,

thanks for the advice.

"Me and the wife

were havin' dinner,

"and, uh...

"well, I got the urge and...

"I put down my fork and I

grabbed her right up and...

"well, I did it to her

right there on the table.

Well, she loved it."

The doc said, "Wonderful!

What'd I tell ya?"

He says, "Yeah,

but one thing bothers me."

He says, "We won't be going back

to the Brown Derby again."

My wife told me that one.