Gable and Lombard (1976) - full transcript

**

( In the Mo plays )

RADIO: We interrupt this
program to bring you
a further bulletin

on TWA flight 3.

It has now been confirmed
that the plane has crashed

outside of Las Vegas, Nevada.

Among the passengers
was celebrated screen actress

Carole Lombard.

The zany blond comedienne
known for her
unconventional antics,

off the screen
as well as on,

was en route back to Hollywood



after a successful
war bond sales tour.

Stay tuned
for further bulletins.

We now return you
to our regularly scheduled
programming.

( In the Mo Plays )

Captain?

Colonel Ryan.

Over here.

They spotted some people
up near where the plane crashed.

Might be survivors.

There's a rescue party
on the way up there now.

We'll be there
in a few minutes.

Colonel, I'm Ellis.
Sheriff.

This is Sheriff Ellis.

Mr. Gable,
I'm glad to meet you.



I've been a fan of yours
and Miss Lombard for some time.

Rescue team went up
during the night.

Should know in a couple of hours
if there's...any survivors,

and whether or not
she's one of 'em.

We'll just have to
wait it out.

( music plays in distance )

( honks horn )

( music plays,
people laughing )

Hey, kid!

( whistles )

Hey, kid!

That's okay.
Just leave it.

( tires screech )
Hold it!

What's your hurry?

Congratulations.

I haven't seen you
since the preview.

You were just great, kid.

Ivan Cooper. Studio publicity.

Well, yeah, sure.
Didn't recognize ya.

The party's just starting.

You know, you can change
round the back.

I must have read
the invitation wrong.

Didn't figure this was gonna be
monkey suits in the afternoon.

You know, kid,
it'd be good for you
to be seen around here.

Why don't you run home
and pick up a jacket?

Don't own one. In fact,
I don't even plan on
buyin' one.

This kind of shindig
ain't for me.

I guess I'm just in
the wrong league.

You know something?

After that preview,
you'd better start getting
used to this league.

From the talk I heard
in the lobby,

the picture's gonna
make you a big star.

You can have it
with all that star stuff.

That's what they said
about the last three.

You wait and see.

Won't be long before
you're trading in this heap
on one of those.

What? You kiddin'?
This here's my baby.

Made the last payment
on her yesterday.

She's all mine.

Well, so long, Coop.

( starts car )
See you around.

( siren blaring )

( radiator hissing )

Surprise, ya dumb bastards!

( all laugh )
WOMAN:
Carole!

What a divine creation!

Casuals room
at Saks?

Oh, no, honey!

Operating room,
Country General.

I love it!
Sylvia, hi!

Oh!

Oh, are you
through with that?

You the new maid,
my dear?

No, honey,
I'm the old maid.
Miss Lombard?

Myrna. God, I loved
your last picture.

I enjoyed yours,
too.

Oh, yeah. We all know it was
the biggest piece of crap

Paramount ever put out.

Say, Miss Lombard.

Another round
over here, dear.

I'm not the waiter.

Of course.

You were divine
in Romeo and Juliet.

Oh, listen, Roger...
Hello, angel.

Helena,
you're looking for?

She's out there, I'd say,

potted along with
the rest of the palms.

Oh, I'm gonna go
get a drink.

Miss Lombard,
what about my car?

I beg your pardon?

I gotta admit
it's pretty funny,

but you see, I thought
it was a real ambulance

and went off the road
into a tree.

Oh. Ha ha ha!

It's great you can
make your friends laugh,

but your little joke
cost me three hundred bucks.

Oh, well...

See my secretary in the morning.
She'll send you a check.

That's all there is
to it, huh?

Don't be such a...
stuffed shit!

I mean shirt.

You're real smooth
with the wisecracks,
aren't ya, doll?

I guess it's pretty funny when
you're makin' $4,000 a week.

But when you're only makin' $85,
those wheels mean something.

I don't suppose
a big movie star like you
would understand that.

I'm afraid
you're a bit late, dear!

Tryouts for Joan of Arc
were last week!

Hey, shithead!
Who the hell do you
think you are, anyway?

Just one of
the little people.

For a little person
you got a big mouth!

Yeah?
Yeah, and no sense of humor.

Oh, yeah?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You bully.
Bully, huh?

If you were a man, sister,
I'd show you what a bully was!

Come on!
Put up your dukes!

Go on, get outta here
before ya get hurt.

Oh?! Who's gonna hurt me, huh?

I don't wanna have to
turn you over my knee
and spank you.

Come on, stuff,
spank me!
You're askin' for it!

I'm beggin' for it,
ya sissy!

I'm gonna
teach you a lesson.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Holy jumpin' catfish.
Where'd you learn to
punch like that?

I've got two brothers.
I've been fighting all my life.

Here ya go.

Only cost me 300.

The other ten's for
your first boxing lesson.

Ya gotta go around
showing you got balls,

wouldn't hurt to have
the balls to show.

( fans screaming )

Security GUARD:
Ladies. Ladies, please.
Ladies, please!

Good morning,
Mr. Gable.

Mr. Mayer would
like to see you
in his office.

WOMAN:
Good morning,
Mr. Gable. Morning, Irma.

Thanks for the tickets.
It was a great party.

Aw, forget it.

How are the two sexiest girls
in Hollywood doing this morning?

Woman #2:
You can go in now, Mr. Gable
Mr. Mayer is expecting you.

( typewriters clack )

Clark, my boy.
How are you?

I didn't even
hear you come in.

I've been admiring
my latest.

"For promoting the highest
standards of morality

"in American motion pictures."

Hmm.

Is that something?
Hmm?

You look great.

You really do,
you look great.

Ha ha ha ha!
So how are you, my boy?

Couldn't be better, L.B.
No, no, I guess not.

Not with theater owners
all across the country

just begging
for your pictures, huh?

You're happy with
the new contract?

Fine. Just fine.

Good.

Sit down, my boy.

I have got some
exiting news for you.

Tell me, my boy, do you know a
property It Takes Two To Love?

It's a book,
isn't it?

A book?
Did you say a book?

No, no, no,
it's not a book,

it's the greatest book
ever written.

And it was written
for you, my boy!

But the exciting part,

what makes this whole project
just so special--

and don't let it ever be said

that I don't give
my family here the best--

we're negotiating
with Paramount right now

to team you up
with their biggest star,

a girl to create
the absolute balance,

the absolute chemistry.

I mean, the two of you
will set the screen on fire!

Tell me, my boy,
do you know Carole Lombard?

( coughs )

Clark, you must watch out
for those cigarettes.

Carole...Lombard.

Yes. Just think of it--
Carole Lombard.

Forget it, boss.
Nothin' doin'.

What nothing doing?

She's only the hottest thing
in the business.

She's a nice girl,
she's friendly, cooperative...

I wouldn't work with
that loudmouth, fatheaded punk

if she was the last dame
in Hollywood!

Oh, you know her?
Yeah, I know her!

And you can forget it!

All right, if you know her
and you don't like her,

it's a different story.
Of course forget it.

You're a big star, Clark.

I can't force you to do
what you don't want.

But if you could do for me
just one small favor.

I've arranged for a lunch

for the two of you
in her dressing room.

You what?!
I know it was the wrong thing
for me to do.

But I've already set it up,
and it would be an insult now

if we canceled.

Besides, it's only a lunch.
What's a lunch?

You don't even have to eat.

Just have a drink,
you chew some cashews,

you smile a little,

tell her you gotta
get back on the set.

Ivan Cooper from publicity
will drive you over. Huh?

Means that much to you, huh?

Frankly, I could
care less, my darling.

But it's not good business

to insult the #1 female star
in the country.

Okay, boss.
I'll have lunch with her.

But I'm telling you,
I don't ever want to
hear that dame's name again.

What dame?

( chuckles )

Irma, tell Ida
to get me Broderick
at Paramount.

Clark!

Clark!
Nice to see ya on the lot!

Lafayette, we are here.
Come on, let's go.

Forget it, Coop,
I changed my mind.
Let's get out of here.

I don't want to see this dame,
I don't want to talk to her,

and I'll be damned if I'm gonna
make a picture with her.

Will you relax?

Take it easy, it's not
the end of the world.

Look, you'll spend
a couple of minutes, okay?

She brings the lunch,
tell her you got a stomach ache,

and you duck out.

Huh? Come on.

Let's go.

Come on.

Look at that face.

Will ya get a smile
on that puss?

Oh, that's good.
Come on, champ, in the ring.

That's it, that's it.

Five minutes, I promise.
Five minutes.

Okay. Five minutes.

( clock ticking )

( clock strikes )

I can't understand
what's keeping Miss Lombard.

Would you like a drink,
Mr. Gable?

No, thanks.

Would you like to
go to the bathroom
or anything?

No, thanks.

Would you like
an autographed picture
of Miss Lombard?

No. Thank you.

MAN:
Come on, Carole!

Give it to him!

Come on! Come on!

Okay.

That's it. Let's get outta here.

I'm right in the middle
of a story.

Then I'll wait
out in the car for ya.

And how is the car,
Mr. Gable?

Hiya, handsome!
That's me.

Very nice of you
to provide an escort for--

what is it that
they call you these days?

The, uh, The Duke--
no, that's John Wayne.

The--The Prince.
No, that's Barrymore.

The King.

I knew it was
something royal.

It's just that
I've never played the Palace.

Well, can I offer
you gentlemen
a drink?

COOPER:
No, thank you.

Dixie and I
were just leaving.

Thought we'd give you
a chance to...visit.

Thanks.

( door closes )

LOMBARD:
He's a pleasant man.

How's the jaw?

Still there.

Well, I see you've done
all right for yourself.

No complaints.

Women seem to
respond to you.

It's a living.

Well, I've seen
some of your pictures,
you know.

You are very, very good.

Very assured,
very commanding...

I just, uh,
try and act natural.

Yeah. People are quick
to spot the phonies.

You do okay.

So I hear.

Been meanin' to see
one of your pictures.

Oh. You haven't?

Not yet. Been meanin' to,
but been so busy.

Studyin' lines and all.

Say, uh,
what is it you do?

Tragedy?

No, no, no.

Generally lighter fare.

Of course, when I, uh...

I said that you were good
in your pictures, there are...

there were certain things
that bothered me about
your performance.

I mean, I realize that you're
rather new to the business

and your first performances
are bound to be a bit, uh...

undisciplined.

What do you mean by that?

Oh, well, uh...

let's just say that you
make up in virile intensity

what you might lack
in subtly and emotion.

I play men, baby.

Men can be human too,
my dear.

Yeah? Well, you stick
to playing your parts,

and I'll stick to playing mine.

Which brings us
to why we're here.

When the head of my studio
informed me that you wanted
to make a picture with me--

Now, wait a minute.

Hold on. I wanted
to make a picture with you?

Lady, I had to be
dragged here today.

I said to him,
"Darling--ha ha!--

"I mean, do you really think
I should be playing

opposite this--this--
newcomer, this unproven risk?"

He might wipe you
off the screen.

"I mean, granted,
he shows promise,

"though he's so emotionless,
and the public does expect me

"to match my leading men,
not demolish them.

I mean, darling,
what's wrong with
Fred MacMurray?"

Well, the poor man,
he begged, he pleaded
he cajoled--

"Just meet with him,
Carole."

It's a good thing
he promised me new wallpaper
over the toilet

or you'd be having lunch
right now with Rin-Tin-Tin.

Funny, Mayer tells me
this Lombard dame

needs me in her next flick
to rescue a sagging career.

Oh, you should sag
so well, honey.

So I says to him,
"Come on, L.B.,

"here I am,
the great lover boy.

"I made love on screen
to Harlow, Colbert, Crawford.

"What's it gonna do
to my reputation

"to tame some skinny,
dizzy dishwater blond?

There's no challenge in it."

But he says to me,
"Do me a favor.

Take a lunch with her."

Take a lunch?!
Is that what he said?!

That's what he said.

Well, why don't you
take your lunch

and shove it up
your Moviola?!

I'd like to forget
that this has just happened.

So would I.

So--

now that we've had our lunch...

...why don't we
have our dessert?

I can't figure it.
She's the most popular dame
in the business.

Gets along with everyone.
No temperament. A real pro.

What did you do to her?

I'm the first guy
that ever put her in her place.

She's probably the first dame
that ever turned you down.

Oh, yeah?
Come on, face it.

For once the dame
ain't yours for the asking.

She's a dame, ain't she?

Unh-unh.
She's Carole Lombard.

She's a dame!
They're all the same.

Hey, Coop,
what's it worth to you?

What's what
worth to me?

A week's salary?
I'll put a week's salary
up against yours

that not only can I have
this dame for the asking--
why, I'll have her begging.

Are you crazy?

What do you say?

Come on.

How will I know?

Well, I don't know.

Well, uh, why don't
I bring you a pair of her--

what do you call 'em?

Panties.
Yeah, that's them.

Okay. You want to
throw your money away,
you're on.

Let's find a phone.

Lemme show you
how to do it.

Hello, operator.
This is Clark Gable.

Would you get me
Carole Lombard's
dressing room

at Paramount?

Thank you, honey.

Cooper, my friend,
get that paycheck ready.

This is gonna be like
taking candy from a baby.

( phone rings )

Hello?

Hello, Miss Blake?

Yes.
ÀClark here.

Clark?

Gable.

Oh.

Clark Gable.

Is Miss Lombard available?

Uh, just a second. I'll check.

Carole, it's, uh,
Clark...Gable.

LOMBARD:
You tell that

son-of-a-bitch
I wouldn't talk to him
if he was selling tickets

to the Pope's wedding!

Uh, M-Mr. Gable, she, uh...
she went to church.

She can't wait
to talk to me.

Wait a minute!
I'll tell him myself!

Oh, she just got back.

All right...

Yeah, hello?!

Hello, Miss Lombard?
Clark Gable here.

I'd like to apologize
for this afternoon.
I feel very badly.

And to be honest with you,
I have seen your pictures--

every one of them--
and you're my favorite
comedienne.

Oh, yeah?

Well, you just save the bullshit
for the chorus girls, dunghead!

I never want to see you
or hear from you again!

You just stay out of my way,

or your head is gonna be
so far up your rear end

you're gonna be
whistlin' Dixie
to your prostate!

( click )

Well, that's very kind
of you to say so!

You'd like to see me tonight,
would you?

Well, it's kinda short notice,

but okay, how about
around eight o'clock?

Good-bye, Carole.

Okay, I'm impressed.

When you got it, Coop...
you got it.

( starts car )

( small orchestra plays
in distance )

( dog barks )

Hi, fella.

Nice boy. Nice boy.

You ever play
Chase the Shoe?

I throw it,
and you chase it.

Good boy!

Ya dumb mutt.

Thanks, pal.

Darling,
that isn't Clark Gable
over there, is it?

I'm afraid it is.
Let's pretend we
didn't see him.

Why, Mr. Gable.
What an unexpected pleasure.

Welcome to
the White Mayfair Ball.

I'm Edwina Foxcroft,
your hostess.

How do you do, ma'am?
I'm glad to be here.

If there's anything
that you need,

please don't
hesitate to ask.

There's champagne upstairs.
Won't you help yourself?

Upstairs?

Well, thanks,
Foxie!

Darlings, you will
never guess who just
crashed our ball.

LOMBARD:
...in the middle of the day!
Ha ha ha ha ha!

Excuse me.
I beg your pardon.

Have you seen
Carole Lombard's
new picture?

It's great.
She's terrific in it.
Never been better.

This kid's the best thing
to hit movies since sound.

Well, thank you.
So sweet of you to say that.

Now why don't you be a dear
and piss off?

We'd better dance.

I can't believe him,
coming to a party like that.

Oh, you dance so--

Beat it.

Oh, brother.

Do you mind?

You look lovely tonight,
my dear.

Thank you.
Who does your laundry?

Sorry I ain't
much of a dancer.

Ha ha ha!
Honey, you ain't
much of anything.

Hey, let's get out of here.

I can't hear myself think
with all this noise going on.

Don't worry, dear,
you're not missing a thing.

Aw, come on,
let's have a truce.

You're not gonna let
a little lunch come
between us.

Honey, that's the only thing
that's gonna come between us.

Here he is at our ball.

He is a little muddy.

Was he invited?
Of course he wasn't invited.

Say, Foxie.

Yes, Mr. Gable?
What may I do for you?

Well, I been thinkin'.

All these balls are the same--
dance, eat, drink.

Why don't you try
something different?

What precisely
did you have in mind?

Well, I don't know.

I hear at Lady Astor's ball
next week they're having
a scavenger hunt.

Lady Astor is having
a scavenger hunt?

That's what I hear.

Each team will pick up
a list of items to secure,

and you will have two hours
to do it in.

To find your teammate,
simply check the slips of paper
you were given

and locate
the corresponding numbers.

Thirty-two!

Yoo-hoo! Thirty-two!

Who's got thirty--

Thirty-two!
Who's got thirty-two?

Thirty-two!
Who's got thirty-two?

GABLE: Thirty-two?

Did you say thirty-two?

Oh, shit.

Let's see now,
we got the stop sign.

Mail box, drum...
Mr. Gable,
isn't this fun?

Pound of chopped liver.

Now we need a four-leaf clover.

You havin' fun, princess?

I was until
this dumb game.

I tried talking her out of it,
but she kept insisting

Lady Astor plays it
all the time.

Okay, a four-leaf clover.

I know just the place.

Come on.

Forget it!
I'm not going in there!

Okay, you stay here
and rest.

I will.

It's okay with me
if you can't take it.

Ohhh!

Argghh!!!

I thought I saw
a four-leaf clover
around here somewhere.

Get over there.

What do you know?
A couple of movie stars.

You wouldn't like
that pretty face of yours
smashed in, would ya?

Don't worry, honey.
You're safe with me.

Beat it, punks.

Watch it! Watch it!
Oh! Oh, God, no!

Shake 'em off, Gable!
Yeah, thattaboy!

Oh, give him a jab!

Jab him! Jab him!

Hit him!
Give him a left!
Come on!

Oh, yeah!

Give him a roundhouse!
Yeah! Yeah!

Watch it, Gable!

Oh, no! Oh, no!

Tony!

Ohh! Ohh!

( screaming )

Let me go, you bully!
Aaahhhhh!

( whispering )
You got the blood?
I got the blood.

Put a lot on.

Let go of me!

Thanks.

Ohh! Ohh!

Ohh....ohhh...

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

You poor man,
are you all right?

Oh, my God,
you're bleeding.
I'll be okay.

I'll be okay.

Hospital.
Get me to a hospital.

We'll be at the hospital
very soon.

Hospital?
Yeah.

I can't go to the hospital.
There's reporters.

Take me home. Ohh....

Are you sure?

Ohhh...I'll be all right
once I'm in bed.

Ohh...
You poor man.

Oh, God.

I owe you an apology.
I had you figured all wrong.

Listen, my house is
right around the corner.

You could--
you could rest in my bed.

Oh?

Where's the bed?
It's right over here.

I can't wait to
get to the bed.

Thattaboy--ooh!

Oh, damn those steps!
Ow! Ow!

I should have told you
about those steps.

I'm so sorry.
Here, can you get up?

Damn those steps!

Here, slide down on the bed.
That's it.

Oh, oww!

Oh! Oh, this bed
is so comfortable.

I'm glad you like it.

You just pretend
you're in a hospital

and think of me
as a nurse.

And, um...

Oh, this bed is terrific.

I'm glad you like it.
Now, just...

Oh, what a bed!

Now...

I took first aid
in high school.

Uh, I know what to do.

I'm gonna get you
a washcloth and, uh,

I'm gonna clean--
clean you up,

get some of that blood off.

Ohhh....huh?

No, don't bother.
I feel better.

They say it's good to let
the blood cake overnight,
it's good for the wound.

Now, you just
leave this to me.

Ohh...

Ohh! No! The light!

It's too bright,
turn it down.
It hurts my eyes.

I'm sorry--
It hurts my eyes!
Turn it off!

I will when I'm finished.
Now you just lie back and--

Here...

No, no, no, no...

You tell me
if I hurt you.

Ow! Ow! It hurts!
Stop!
I know it does.

I know, I know.
Don't be such a baby.

I'm--I'm--
I'm being as gentle as I can.

I'm starting to get tired.

I'm gonna try
and get a little sleep.

Well, of course,
after I get all this blood off.

Funny, it--

it comes off so easily.

Yeah, well, I was always
very thin-blooded.

And such a--such a--

--bright color.

Just like in the movies.

Yeah. Well, we Gables
are red-blooded.

Yes, very.

Who was the hematologist,
Max Factor?

Huh?
All right.

Get out!

Ohh...

Well, look...
give me a chance to explain.

Don't bother.
You went to a lot
of trouble for nothing.

Well, what else
could I do?

I tried being nice to ya--
you wouldn't accept that.

You wouldn't even
give a guy a chance
to be nice.

You make it a crime for someone
to want to get to know ya.

Talk about no emotion.

Lady, you got a wall up
so thick you couldn't

blast through it
with a ton of dynamite.

I don't know
what you're scared of...

but maybe it takes a better man
than me to find out.

( clatter )

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Gable! Ha ha ha ha!

You won't give up,
will you? Ha ha ha!

All right, Gable,
enough's enough.

Look, I'm not gonna
fall for this a second time.

Come on, Clark.

Gable!

Oh, my God.

Clark?

Oh, my God!

How do you feel?

Fine.

Oh, here. Here.
I musta slipped.

Here, sit up.

Oh, careful.

There.

How do you feel?

Fine.

You all right?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Look, you want a chance
to be nice?

Be nice.

( birds chirping )

Good mornin'.
Smells great.
( food sizzling )

I'm so hungry I could
eat a dozen of 'em.

Well, I'll make you
as many as you need.

You know,
once when I was a kid
I ate two dozen of 'em.

Just to show my brothers.

They musta had a tough time
keeping up with you.

Everything
was a contest.

I'll bet you showed them
who's the better man.

Do I sound that way?
I guess I do.

But you know,
it's not my fault.

It's set up so that
you can only make it if
you're born with balls.

Me, I had to grow mine.

Where'd you hide 'em
last night?

( chuckles )
Oh, God.

You know something?

You're really
kinda simple
for a king.

You can have it
with all this "King" stuff.

I'm just a lucky slob from Ohio
just happened to be

in the right place
at the right time.

This whole acting job really
ain't the thing for a man.

That's why you gotta
come off twice as tough

to prove what
a man you are, huh?

I told you once, baby,
I just try and act natural.

Oh, yes, how hard
we try to be natural.

But don't mind me sayin',
but, uh, you're a great one

to talk about trying too hard.

Me? I act like
I feel like acting.

I don't kill myself
trying to live up

to some phony
set of conventions.

Oh, come on, baby.
You got your act so down pat

you wouldn't know what's real
if it strangled ya.

Thank you, Dr. Freud,

and I do so appreciate it,

coming from
the walking illustration
of celluloid integrity.

Look, do we have
to start up again?!

Can't we just eat
a quiet plate of eggs?!
Please! Eat!

After all,
that's what
we're here for.

I will.
Good.

Here. Why don't you
have some more toast?

You need all that strength
for the cameras.

You gotta have
the last word,
don't ya?

You had the first,
I had the last. Fair's fair.

You're the one
that started it!

I did? Your line
could have put you
out of business!

I don't wanna
argue with ya!

If I hit you
below the belt,
I'm sorry.

Hit me? Ha ha.
You're nuts.

You're about as powerful
as a chocolate eclair.

Off the screen,
of course.

I gotta go!
It's late.

Come on,
have a cup of coffee.
No, I gotta get goin'.

What's the matter,
my coffee's no good?

He steals my virtue,
but he won't drink my coffee.

I'll see ya
around!

Hey, Clark.

Hey--hey, Gable.

The eggs weren't
that bad, honey,

I mean, we could add
a little Tabasco.

You don't quit,
do you, baby?

Well, I...

Hey, look,
come on back.

I'll--I'll make you up
a fresh batch,

I'll even put
some chicken livers in 'em.

If you smile pretty,
I'll throw in
a couple of gizzards.

You're really somethin'.

You don't like gizzards?

I guess I--

I do get a little
carried away sometimes,
don't I?

Well, you said it, I always
gotta have the last word,

the funnier, the better.

It's crazy what you do just
to get people to like you.

Only trouble is, I--

I end up making
a damn fool of myself.

I wouldn't say that, kid.

I wouldn't
say that at all.

Hey, I think you got
a swell sense of humor.

Fat-ass people
around this town

sure need you around
to liven 'em up.

Only, uh...

what are you
so worried about?

What do you care
what they all think of ya?

I don't know.

Listen, kid,
forget what they all think.

Long as you can look
in the mirror and like
what you see.

That's all that counts--
what you think of yourself.

Yeah.
That's easy to say.

What if you're afraid
of what you're gonna see?

Well...
what are you afraid of?

Look, I was voted
#1 Female Star in America,
I make over $4,000 a week,

and I've never said "I love you"
to anyone and meant it.

I just...

I never felt that way
about anyone.

It used to bother me,
thinking there was
something wrong with me.

It was easy to
forget about it

when I played the clown
and heard 'em laughing.

I could kid myself
into thinking I felt okay.

Maybe the truth is...

there is something
wrong with me.

Maybe what you said
last night is right,

I'm just a cold, empty bitch
who can't get a hard-on.

You know, kid...

I never was much on
all this psychology stuff,

but it seems to me a baby
don't come into this world
all cold and empty.

They only become that way
if the people around 'em
make 'em that way.

Now, it seems to me...

that you just mighta
never met the right people.

You know something, Gable?

You're not as tough
as you think.

Come on.

Try a gizzard.
It'll grow on ya.

I'm sorry--I was only kidding.
I really gotta get going.

Oh, well, I'll--

I'll get dressed
and I'll drive you
to your car.

Don't bother.
I'll pick up a cab.

Oh.

Well, I'll call one
for you.

Okay.

Well, Coop, if you
look at your watch,

you'll see that
it's nine o'clock
on the button.

And what did I tell ya
I was gonna have for ya?

You did it?
I did it, all right.

I struck out.

And that's yours--

one week's salary.

That dame's no dame.

She's a real lady.

Talks tough,
but she's all class.

You're no bum yourself, pal.

Handing over $2,000
to protect the lady's honor.

What are you talking about?

I couldn't get to
first base with her.

Nice try, Clark,

but it won't work.

The old man knows
all about it.

He knows you stayed
with her last night.

And I gotta warn ya,
he's on the warpath.

IRMA:
You can't go in there!

You don't have an appointment!

Hey! I see who I want to see
when I want to see 'em

and if you don't like it
you can take your contract

and your studio and--
Clark, my boy.

Please, please, relax.
Take it easy.

I'm on the phone with--
Harry? Yeah.

No, I'll tell him.

Harry says hello.
Now, what's the matter?

Let's get something
straight.

Nobody tells me
what to do.

I'm gonna tell you
what to do?

Me, Louis B. Mayer,
a simple country boy
from Nova Scotia,

is gonna tell you,
Clark Gable, The King,
what to do?

Especially now,
when romance is in the air?

I mean, it is romance,
isn't it, and not just
a one-night stand?

That's my business.

But, ah, my boy, romance
becomes everybody's business

when it's between
two movie stars

and one of them
is still married.

Come on, Ria and I
haven't lived together

as man and wife
for over two years.

But you're still
legally married to her.
You're not divorced yet.

I sure as hell will be

once we get the property
settlement straightened out.

I got my lawyers working on it.
They're trying to move her.

Well, until they do,
my son, you just take a look

at this wall over here.

Those same groups
that carved the plaques,

they also type the letters.

And I know those groups,
I know them well.

My whole desk is
full of letters
from all those groups.

Here. Here, take a letter.

( chuckles )

Come on,
stop being so serious.

You look beautiful.
Sit down. Relax.

I'll read you a letter.

Here. They're very upset, Clark.

They saw a rough cut
of a cowboy movie

and they think they saw a horse
making an obscene gesture.

You know what
that obscene gesture was?

The horse was taking a piss.

( laughing )
I swear!

There's 400 horses
in the goddamn scene,

there's a battle going on,
there's 800 extras,

there's about a half
a million dollars' worth
of sets and costumes,

and what do they see?

A horse with a big organ
pissing in the field.

What am I gonna do?
Horses have big organs,
they have to piss, too.

So I'm reshooting the scene
to keep them happy.

I'll pray next time
we get horses with tiny organs
and strong bladders.

Here. Here's another one.

"Dear sir, we find in viewing
The Barretts of Wimpole Street

"there is a distance
of slightly less than four feet
between the twin beds.

"This is to inform you
that in order to conform

"to our standards
of viewing recommendation,

"the distance between twin beds
in any one scene

must not be less than
four feet, six inches.
Yours truly..."

What am I gonna do, Clark?

We're doing a picture about
the Barretts of Wimpole Street,

you can't have one of 'em
sleeping over on Second Avenue.

God knows when he wasn't
writing poetry

he loved to hop in the sack
with the old lady.

So now they're asking me
to make him an Olympic
broad jumper now, too?

What can I do, my son? I don't
want them banning the picture.

I've either gotta cut the scene
or I gotta reshoot it.

Here's another one.

They're very disturbed
there's a scene
in Libeled Lady

where Harlow has
a button on her blouse
unbuttoned

and they can see
she has breasts.

What do they think
she has, Clark, bottle caps?

Do you see what I'm saying?
Do you get my point?

They're all disturbed
about buttons and beds

and bottle caps
and horses' organs.

What do you think
they're gonna do

when they see a married man
cavorting around

with an unmarried lady
in public? Hmm?

I'll tell you
what they're gonna do.

They're gonna do
what they did in '22
to Fatty Arbuckle

or in '29 to Mabel Normand--
they're gonna run 'em out
of the business!

Those same groups
took out ads in the papers,

they told their members
not to go, and they did--

they stayed away, Clark.

But you do what
you want to do, my son.
Far be it from me.

If you want to
keep smoking cigarettes,
you keep smoking cigarettes.

If you think you'd be happier
back in a lumber camp, then go,

you have my blessings.

But don't forget
there's a certain lady
who's also involved here,

a lady with her own career.

Carole, darling, I'm not here
as the head of the studio.

I'm here as your friend.

I know it's only
a technicality.

But you have to face it.

Legally, he's still married,
and the world knows it.

I don't have
to tell you the danger

if you two continue
to see each other.

Now, I'm not going to
issue you any orders.

I won't even try
to keep you apart.

But I will ask you
to search your own conscience.

And remember--

it's not only
your career at stake...

it's his, too.

Get me Carole Lombard, will ya?
I think she's at home.

( sighs )

( phone rings )

Hello, Carole?

Clark?

Yeah. Look, I just wanted
to call you and tell you
I was going out of town,

in case you mighta wondered
why you hadn't heard from me.

Oh.

That's funny...

I'm going out of town myself

and I was calling you
just in case you called

and you wondered
where I was.

Oh?

Yeah. Um, my aunt
had an appendicitis attack

and I'm flying down to see her.

Oh. Well, uh, my grandmother's
laid up with a broken rib,

I told her I'd come over,
cheer her up.

Yeah?

Well, keep her in stitches.

I'll, uh--I'll talk
to you sometime, huh?

Yeah. Sure.

Good-bye, baby.

Yeah.

Bye, Clark.

Well, the show's over.

Never even had time
for the popcorn.

( sighs )

He really meant something
to you, didn't he?

Big-eared slob?
You're nuts.

Come on,
let's get outta here.

Go down to the Springs
for a coupla days.

First time a dame
ever got to you,
eh, kid?

Hell, no. I just hate
to break the poor kid's heart.

Look, I gotta
get out of here
for a couple of days.

Let's go down to Palm Springs
and play some golf.

Great shot.
I don't know how you do it.

So far you haven't
missed one sand trap.

God.

Maybe we shoulda
taken those lessons.

It's a little late now, honey.

Come on, kid.
Cheer up.

Come on, Carole.
Cheer up.

Aw, shit!

Hi.

How are ya?

Okay. You?

Good.

Good.

How's the grandmother?

She's comin' along.
How's your aunt?

Heavy cramps.

Oh...

sorry.

So's she.

You come here often?

No, not too. You?

Yeah. Good golfing.

The best.

How's your game?

One-twelve.

Not bad.
For seven holes?

Oh. Well, it takes practice.

Yeah, that's what
they tell me.

Where you stayin'?

I'm at the Palms.

Well, I'm at the Racquet Club.

Right around the corner.
How about that?

I love you.

What's that?

I said I love you.

Yeah?

Well, uh...

uh, I've been
thinkin' about you.

Good or bad?

Well, I've been thinkin' that...

if we played it smart,

who's gonna find out?

I'll never tell.

We'd have to watch our step.

I do a great soft-shoe.

Can't be seen in public.

I hate crowds.

Have to avoid each other
at parties.

We'll have our own party.

You think we oughta
give it a try?

You know me,
I'll try anything.

Might be just a fling.

Yeah. Might be.

Could burn itself out
after a week.

Well, don't just stand there,
you big ape.

Start the goddamn fire.

All right...

All right,
I'll give you one autograph,

but I gotta get to the market...

Hiya!

Hi, Clark.
How are ya, baby?

I'm fine, honey.
How you been?

Mr. Gable.

Howdy.

( humming and singing )

( horn blares,
tires screech )

( humming )

( starts motorcycle )

( honking horn )

( honking horn )

I told you
I'd beat you, Gable!

LOMBARD:
It's not fair!

You're gettin' lazy
in your old age, ma!

No fair!
I twisted my ankle.

Aw, did you twist
your little ankle?

Well, let's make it better.

( laughing )

Did you call a cab, lady?

You feelin' better?
Oh, yeah. Mmm.

We've got the whole night
to stay together, baby.

Oh. Hold on.

Aren't you
forgetting something?

You got that premiere
to go to.

Oh, God.

( sighs )

Well, I'm not gonna go.

Carole--
No, baby,

I just wanna stay here
and make you that meal.

I've got all this stuff
to make a real Italian feast.

I know it, kid,
I appreciate it,

only there's been a lot of talk
going around about us lately,

( giggles )
and it'll keep--

it'll keep the studio happy
if you're seen out with someone.

Take some of the heat off.

I'll run you back.

I'm really sorry
you're gonna miss

the dinner I was gonna make you.

The delicious cannelloni
with the cheese filling.

It's really a shame you're
not gonna be here tonight.

You know, I don't mind
dragging myself out of here

every morning at 4 a.m.,

stumbling in the back door
of my house,

and prancing out the front

all bright-eyed
and bushy-tailed

so the world
can applaud my virtue.

I don't even mind
playing love scenes
with matinee idols

who bathe every other Tuesday.

I'm an actress, and that's
what I'm well overpaid to do,

God knows.

I don't even mind
being escorted to some premiere

by a studio stud to
smile pretty for the camera.

I'd have a lot of nerve
to complain about any of that.

But when you I can never,
never go out together

just to a regular movie

and sit there in the dark
with your arm around me

and munch on some popcorn--

that I mind.

Oh, I mind that very much.

You know, right now
I'd trade all this
movie star crap

for one moment when you and I
could just go out

and not be scared
to be ourselves,
you know that?

When you finish
that picture next week,

I thought we'd head up north,
take in a little fishin'.

Pitch ourselves
a tent in the woods,

just the two of us.

Okay, now get in the tub.

( splashing )
No, it's hot!

Sit down! Don't be
such a chicken!

Yeah, well, I'd like
to see you do it.

Okay, move over.
I'm comin' in.
Ha ha ha!

Yessir, nothin' like
a good day of fishin'

to make a man
feel like a man.

Clark, honey,
when you get a chance,

could I have my thing,
you know, to fish?

I'm sorry, honey.
I didn't know you
wanted to fish.

Well, I thought
I'd give it a whirl.

Well, sure.

And don't feel bad
if you don't catch anything.

This ain't the sort of thing
that comes easy to a woman.

I got something here!

Look at this one!
This is a beauty, baby!

What do you call that thing?

Could you hold that
for a minute? I gotta...

Oh!

Hey, I don't have
any more hooks over here.

You got some hooks
on your thingamabob
over there, darling?

Great. Just stick it on.

This is more fun
than I've had in ages, baby.

This is livin', huh, kid?
It sure is.

Boy, sometimes I could dump
all this movie star crap

and just buy myself a little
log cabin or farm somewhere

and spend all my time fishin'
or baling hay.

Yeah, you're
pretty good in the hay.

Aw, come on, kid,
gimme a break.

I've been casting
that rod all day!

Honey,
you haven't even begun.

( honks horn )

Hey, Ben? What's up?

Mr. Gable,
there's some reporters
up at the station.

They know you're up here.

They kept askin' me
who you were with.

Oh.

Well, hold on a minute,
Ben. I better go up with ya.

All right.

You heard?

I'm sorry, ma.

I know how much you were
looking forward to this,

but you're gonna
have to go back
to town tonight.

I'll go up
to the ranger station

and have a couple of drinks
with 'em.

You take the wagon,
I'll meet you back in town
tomorrow night.

I really am sorry.

I know that, sweetie.

I know.

Nice big smile,
Mr. Gable?

Beautiful!
Can I get you here
on top of the stairs?

It's gonna be a biggie,
Hedda.

Matter of fact,
in this picture
the South wins.

But now,
this British girl,

how can she possibly
be having a Southern accent?

Well, she's Southern British.

I can understand
what she's sayin'.

Ha ha ha!
Put that down!

That, I'm gonna use.

But when you get
to the burning of Atlanta,

I've got to be on the set.

Hedda, just
bring your own coal.

All right,
come on, kids.

Can I get all of you
as a group?

Just two together there,
Mr. Gable.

Hedda, come on, smile.

Get in there, Clark.

A little closer.

Thank you.

Hedda, darling!
Carole, my dear!
How are you?

Who's the lucky man?
Don Raglin,
Hedda Hopper.

How do you do?

Clark, do you know
Carole Lombard?

Did you say
Carole Lombard?

I think we've met before,
Miss Lombard.

Yes. I'm a great fan
of yours, Mr. Gable.

We've seen so little
of you lately, my dear.

What have you been doing
with your evenings?

Oh, you haven't heard?

I've enrolled
in a night school
gardening course.

You must join us.
I'm sure you'd enjoy groveling
in all that good dirt.

Fantastic sense of humor
in that Lombard.

Can we have a picture
of you and Mr. Raglin,
please?

COOP:
Hedda, sit down with Clark
and get yourself a good story.

Can you look this way,
Miss Lombard?
Together, please.

Will you clown one up
for us, please, Miss Lombard?

Clown one up for 'em.

Could you get your arm
around her, Mr. Raglin?

Of course.

COOP: I love this one
of the tongue sticking out.

I'll take it wallet-size.

Hello, Don.
Ivan.

Excuse me, Carole,
I'll be back in a minute.

Thank you, Don.

Look, Carole,
I'm sorry about this.
But what could we do?

It's all right, Ivan.

Look. The big ape
can't even tie his tie right.

How can you let him
go out like that?

You're my favorite movie star.

Well, Hedda,
how we doin'?

HEDDA:
We are ready
for the picture.

Ready? Fine.
Get me in, please.

It's picture time.

Okay, fellas, go ahead.
Have a feast. Have a good time.

Could you move in closer,
Mr. Gable?

Could you put your arm
around Miss Leigh?

Give me one of
those Gable smiles.

Beautiful!

Sit closer to him, Viv.

That's it.

( both cough )

DIRECTOR:
Cue.

Vic, you sure
you need all this smoke?

Don't worry about it.
It looks fine. Keep rolling.

Okay, Scarlett--
( coughs )

It's the end of the road.

( both coughing )

Cut.

Let's do it again.
Take me back upstairs.

Take it back to number one!

Vivien, honey,
don't try to climb
out of the wagon by yourself.

You get the wrong angle
from the camera.

Clark'll help you down.

All right, we all set?

Watch your step, Vivien.

Somebody clean up
after that horse!

Stand by, everybody!
Quiet on the set!

Lights! Camera!

Action!

Clark! Where are you going?

Hey, fellas,
deal me in.

I'm feelin' fitter
than a fiddle,
hotter than a pistol.

Pass that hand over here.
Oh, what is this?

What do you call that,
a royal straight flush?

What's the name
of that there hand?

I've never seen anything
quite like that before.

I need a few more cards
in here.

Oh, hi, sonny.

You're lookin' mighty handsome
in that white suit.

I'm sorry, boys,
but we're gonna
need this man onstage.

Why'd you tell 'em that?
Come on, old-timer.

Wait! I can walk
on my own two legs!

I still got spice
in these here--

LOMBARD:
Come on!

What do you think
you're doing?!

You big ape!

Would you just
let me down?!
Come on!

Okay, the fun's over.

I just wanted to see
some of the picture,
that's all.

Wouldn't be you were
interested in my love scene
with that English dame?

You are crazy, Gable!

God, a lot of nerve!

I just wanted to see
if you were doing any acting
over there.

You know, baby,

I know it's been
tough on ya,

the way we've had to live,

but it's been
tough on me, too.

I've been
pushin' the lawyers
all I can.

You think I care?
I got my freedom.

I can come and go
as I please.

Do you think I want
to be with you every minute?

Frankly, my dear,
I don't give a damn.

Okay, then you've got nothing
to be jealous about.

Jealous?!
Yeah!

Spyin' on me like that,

acting all stupid
and immature.

What do you think
you're doing, Mr. Butler?

I'm gonna show you
you got nothing to
worry about.

Yeah, spying
and sneaking around!

When I get through with you,

you'll know you got
nothin' to worry about!

Oh, I bet I will.

You presumptuous bastard!

I've got better things to do
than spy on you! Ho ho ho!

I'm going back to Paramount.

I've got to finish
my bathtub scene.

Bathtub scene?

I told you that.

You didn't tell me about it.

Oh, yes, I did.
The other night.

You were reading a script
or something.

Oh?

Yeah, yeah,
I remember.

Well, we seem to be
having some problems.

The cameraman says that
you can see the top of
my bathing suit

through the bubbles,

so I'm not
gonna wear anything.

You're not?
No.

But that's okay,
you really can't
see anything

through all those bubbles.

Are you sure?

Sure? Oh, sure I'm sure.

The only other person
who'll know is the other actor
when he jumps in.

The other actor's gonna
be in the tub with you?

Well, yeah.
But he's a gentleman.

He'll keep his hands off.

Oh, well, hell,
I don't care.

It's business, anyway.

That's right, baby.
It's business.

See you later, honey.

See you later.

MAN: Okay, let's fix up
that bubble machine,
let's get it started now.

( singing )
That's it, baby.

More! More! Excitement!
I want excitement!

More! You know who's coming
into this room--your lover!

That's it! Joy!
Joy, darling, joy! Passion!

Okay, you up high.

You! Electrician!

You, with the magazine!

That's right, you.

Would you please put a net
on that 5K?

Okay, now let's
get Jack in here.

Put Jack in the bathtub
with Carole,

and we'll have
a big clinch,

and a big wonderful,
warm kiss!

JACK: Diana.

Steven.
Darling, I'm sorry about--

Okay, okay,
we know the words,
blah, blah, blah, blah.

Go over and kiss.
I wanna see the kiss.
The kiss. Yeah.

Oh, whooee!
Where'd you learn
to kiss like that?

Whoo-hoo!

Oh, baby, I haven't
been kissed like that
in months!

Oh, we gotta
do this again.

This is the most fun
I've had in years.

Oh, if the men I knew
could kiss like that!

Oh!

Oh, I love it, I love it,
I love it!

DIRECTOR: We'll have
another rehearsal--

We gotta keep rehearsing!
We will. Jack, I wanna see you.

Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!

Off with the robe.
Get into the tub with Carole.

GABLE: Fire!

Fire!!!
Where?

Go on, everybody,
off the stage!

Carole, get outta there!
Come on! Come on! Fire!

( crew screaming,
running away )

Okay, put this on!
You're going home right now!

You weren't jealous,
were you, my love?

It's so stupid to be
jealous and insecure.

( laughs )

You big dope!

I love you.

LOMBARD:
You know something, Gable?

When I looked up
and saw you on that scaffold,

it was the most
beautiful thing
I ever seen.

It told me something.

Maybe you are
a little stuck on me, huh?

Yeah, it was dumb of me.
I shouldn't have done it.

Yeah. Yeah, sure.
You tough guy.

Gable...

I want to make a baby with you.

Right now.

Honey, you're crazy.

I want him
to have your ears.

You're nuts.

No.

I just love you.

( knock at door )

( knocking )

Who in the hell is that?

( knocking )

Go get it, baby.

( sighs )

( knocking )

L.b. MAYER:
Clark, my boy.
How are you?

GABLE: Okay, L.B.

You don't mind
if I come in, do you?

No, come in.

I'm not interrupting
anything, am I?

No. I was just
taking some sun.

This is very lovely.

I especially
admire the plants.

I didn't know
you liked horticulture.

Him? He likes
any kind of whore.

So, tell me, you two--
how long did you plan on
keeping this a secret?

Secret? I just picked
this bum up on skid row.

I thought I'd bring him home
for a hot meal.

You'll excuse me
if I don't laugh.
It's not a laughing matter.

If I do anything
I'm gonna cry,

because if I found out,
how long until Hedda and Louella

and then the whole country?

Clark and I are very happy here.
We're not hurting anyone.

If the whole universe
finds out, we're still not
hurting anyone.

You're perfectly right, darling,
you're hurting nobody.

But people do not pay money
to see immoralists.

It's immoral
to be in love?
Carole--

Well, it makes me so damn mad,
all this phony bullshit!

Well, if you
got the divorce--

We're trying.
You try moving her.

That's funny.
I hear she can be moved.

They say Ria's been
perfectly willing to
grant a divorce

for the right price.

But certain parties
won't pay it.

Where'd you hear that one,
under the dryer?

No, I got that
on pretty good authority.
Her attorney.

Now, look, you two,
you take my advice.

You go home, to your own homes,
and you don't see each other

until you get the divorce.

Unless you're tired
of this business.

I'll see myself out, Clark.

Very nice plants,
my boy.

( door closes )

What do you want for dinner?
Chicken or hamburger?

Carole, I gotta explain.

You want chicken
or hamburger?

I know what you're thinkin'.

I'm thinkin'
I'd rather have hamburger.

Come on,
I'm trying to talk to you.

Why? There's really
nothing to talk about.

Look, I was wrong.
I shoulda told you.

Really?
You think it would
make any difference?

Come on, baby,
cut the phony cover-up.

I know you by now.

I forgot.
It's Dr. Freud.

Forgive me if I show
my naivet.

You see, I was living
under the delusion

that underneath
this self-righteous stud
was an honest man.

God, I'm a fool.

I think he's happy with me?
It's a joke.

What is it, baby,

the money, the convenience,
the steady lay?

I hope it's not
the Sunday morning biscuits,

'cause if it is,
then all this time

you coulda been
screwing Betty Crocker!

You're upset.
Now, relax, will ya?

God, nothing shakes you!

You really are
made of stone! 'Cause
I'm trying to be rational?

'Cause you're being
so piss-collected cool!

Can't you once leave
your goddamn image
at the studio?!

( crying )

Carole, listen to me.

Let me explain.

Mayer's right--

for a price,
Ria'd give me a divorce.

All I gotta do
is give her the moon.

If I gave her
everything I've saved,

and most all my future income,
I'd be a free man.

I suppose if I really
wanted a divorce, I'd do it.

Only I guess down deep

I don't really want one.

It's not you, baby.

You're everything
a guy could hope for.

It's just that
I've tried it twice before.

I was married once
before Ria.

It didn't work out.

I've never been able to
make it work out with anyone.

I guess I just don't got what
it takes to make a woman happy.

That's not true, baby.

You made me happy.

But I'm scared, Carole.

I just don't have the guts
to try it again,

hurt somebody else.

You dummy.

What do you take me for,
Some kind of a cupcake?

I'm not gonna let you hurt me.

I flattened you once,
I can do it again.

Don't you see?
I don't care about divorces
and settlements.

The hell with Ria.

I wouldn't let you
pay her price.

Don't you see?

If you feel for me
what I feel for you,

then who cares about whether
it's recorded downtown?

Let them keep
their piece of paper--

what we got's
a hell of a lot
more binding.

Only--

only from now on,

let's be honest
with each other,

'cause I can take anything,
you know?

As long as you love me.

And you do love me,
don't you, baby?

You know I do.

You know, it's funny--

all this time
we've been together,

I never heard you say it.

Well, you know
how I feel, baby.

I know. It'd be awful nice
to hear you say it.

Come on, kid.

Could you just say it?

Would you cut it out?
Just say, "I love you."

I don't need to!

Would you just say it,
damnit?!

No! I can't, okay?
I'm just not the kind of guy
that can say those things.

Some guys can say 'em,
I can't. So what?!

You're not frightened
of marriage.

That's a crock of shit.
You're frightened of yourself

and your feelings for a woman

'cause you think
it makes you less of a man.

You and your phony image of
what a man is supposed to be--

"Just screw 'em and leave 'em."

Well, I got news for you,
honey.

They can plant
all the hair in Hollywood
on your chest,

but it still
doesn't make you a man,

it makes you just what you are
right now--

nothin'.

Nothin'.

Where do you think
you're goin'?

I'm gonna take
the next train to Indiana
to see my mother.

What do you want?
Okay, you got it.

Yeah? Got what?
What you want.

Yeah?
What the hell is that?

How many times
I gotta say it?

I love ya.

What was that?

I love ya.
Okay?!

You could say it
with a little more feeling.

What, are you
a director now, too?

If you're gonna say it,
say it like you mean it.

Okay.

I love you!!!

Come on,
open the door.

Come on in,
it's open.

What are you waitin' for,
you big ape?

Get your pants off.

And keep 'em off
till we get to Indiana.

I love you, ma.

I really love you.

And I always will.

MAN:
This price is
as close as we can come

to meeting your demands,
Mrs. Gable.

It isn't what you were asking,

but I don't think you can
fault his generosity.

RIA: No,
I certainly can't.

But the answer is...no.

GABLE:
Okay, forget it.

Just give her
what she wants.
Everything.

To the penny.
The whole thing.

I'll draw up the papers.
No.

I've changed my mind.

I'd prefer to remain

Mrs. Clark Gable.

Particularly now.

When did this come out?

Three hours ago.

You've defiled me
in public, Clark.

I'm afraid you're gonna
have to pay for it.

Ria, I respected you.

I appreciated
what you did for me.

The last thing I'd ever do
is hurt you.

But I'm sorry.

I didn't know what the word
"love" meant before this.

But now I do...

for the first time.

And I'm askin' you
to understand.

( Lombard singing )

Oh, baby! Oh!

Did everything go all right?
Sure, kid, just great.

Oh, darling.

Close your eyes.
I got a surprise.

Come on, go inside.
I got something to show you.

Get walkin'.

( chuckles )

Can you make it?

Oh, you're such a--

( both laugh )

Oh. Ah. Bad move.

Okay, go.
Can you find your way?

Can you?
Think you can make it?

All right, okay,
you can let me down,

but if you open your eyes,
I'm gonna...

Oh, you!

I hope you didn't
see anything.

All right.
( blows noise maker )

I thought we'd have
a little celebration

'cause we finally
got rid of Ria.

Here you go.
I got you a little present.

Come on, open it up!

It's for you, big boy.

What the hell?

What kind of gizmo is this?

Here, read the card.

"To The King.

"That part of you
more precious than gold

this will protect
from catching cold."

Don't you get it?

What's the matter
with you, Gable?

Is something wrong?

What is it, baby?

Oh, God.

At least we got
out of there in time.

Only how long
till they find this place?

I wasn't gonna tell ya
till later.

I didn't want to
spoil your party.

Ria took one look at that,
and no deal. At any price.

Unless we budge her,
I don't know what
we're gonna do.

I guess I don't have to tell you
that all hell's broken loose.

The studio's got me meeting
with a group of ladies tomorrow

to deny that article.

They want you there, too.

What are we gonna do, ma?

You know, I, uh...

I heard a good one today.

A guy's walking down the street
and he bumps into his doctor.

He says, "Doc,
me and the wife,
we got problems.

"We never seem to
get the urge at the same time.

When I want to, she don't,
and when she wants to, I don't."

The doc says, "Harry,
don't you worry about a thing.

"Next time you get the urge,

"you just stop
whatever you're doing,

"take her in your arms,
and do it.

Don't give her a chance
to say no. She'll love it."

So a few days later
he bumps into the doctor again,

he says, "Doc,
I took your advice
and it worked.

"There we were
having dinner last night

"and suddenly I got the urge
and I took her in my arms,

"I ripped off her clothes,
and I went at her

right there on the table.
She loved it."

He says, "Wonderful,
Harry, I told ya."

He says, "Yeah, Doc,
I really appreciate it.

"Only one things bothers me--

We'll never be going
back to the Brown Derby!"

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Yeah.

Ha ha ha.

Hmm. I thought
it was kinda cute.

( sighs )

You know something,
Gable?

You really are
an ungrateful son-of-a-bitch.
Get off your ass.

Someone gives you a present
and you don't even have
the courtesy to try it on.

Cut it out, will ya?
Cut it out?

Cut it out?

Honey, you don't know what I
went through to get this thing.

You think it was easy

trying to describe
to Mrs. Peabody

what I wanted
down at the knit shop?

Mmm. Mmm.

I had to tell her it was for
keeping cucumbers fresh
in the summer.

( unzips pants )
Oh.

It's a good thing
she's not a vegetarian.

What are you doin'?

I gotta find out
if it fits, ya know?

I think it might be
a little bit too big.

Might have to
shrink it in the wash

or take it in a little,

or maybe you'll
grow into it.

Eh, baby? Hmm?

Hmm...

Ha ha ha ha!

Cucumber's lookin'
pretty fresh to me.
Ha ha ha ha!

Oh, baby.

You see? I knew
I'd get you to laugh.

Don't you see, baby?
Now it's all we've got.

It's our way of fighting back.

If we give in,

if we feel sorry for ourselves,

we don't have a chance.

If we could just hang on
to our sense of humor,

then no matter
how shitty things get,
it doesn't matter,

they'll never be
as bad as we think.

'Cause there's a little hope

if you can just be willing
to stand up and fight.

And we're gonna
fight like hell.

Goddamnit, baby,

nobody's ever gonna beat us.

Good morning, ladies,

and a very warm welcome
to you all.

We're gathered here this morning
in the spirit of wholesomeness

and patriotism,

our trademarks here at MGM.

Are you sure I don't
have too much lipstick on?

No.

Do I look
all right?

Yeah, yeah.
Betsy Ross'd be proud.

MAN: Miss Lombard!

Mr. Mayer would
like you to have this.
Your speech for the meeting.

It's right in there.
Okay.

COOP:
So, ladies, it is with
the utmost pride and respect

that I introduce to you

a man of unquestionable dignity,

unwavering morality,

a God-fearing man
whose character

has been a source
of inspiration to all of us

here at Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer.

Ladies, I present to you
Mr. Clark Gable.

( one person applauds )

GABLE:
Ladies, I stand before you today
with enormous disappointment

in the honesty of the press,

shocked by accusations

that have been made against
Miss Carole Lombard and myself.

From the two occasions
I've had the opportunity
to meet Miss Lombard,

the, uh, American Legion Picnic

and the Pasadena Flag Day
Festival,

I can tell you beyond question

that she is a lady
of unequaled virtue
and great moral fiber.

Come on, Dixie, get in the car.
Let's get out of here.

What took you so long?

Now, when you meet Miss Lombard,
I'm sure you'll agree

that she can serve
as a shining beacon
in all our lives,

to light our lives with purity
and dignity--

LOMBARD:
Well, there's my horny
little hunk of horsemeat!

Where you been Angel Ass,
you're late for your
ten o'clock screw.

Mama can't wait all day,
she's got customers.

Oh, hiya, dolls,
how ya doin'?

You must be the new shipment

they sent over
to keep Gable happy.

Whaddya get?
Ten bucks a trick?

That'd be highway robbery.

Christ, none of these dames
look like they've been at it

since the dawn
of civilization!

Well, you just keep
that log rollin', honey,

because the oven's hot
and the rooster's ready to crow!

Stuff here, he calls me Rooster,
'cause of my motto--

"Cock-a-doodle-do!
Cock-a-doodle-do
Any cock'll do!"

Shame on you!

COOP:
Please! Please, ladies!

Ladies! Ladies!
Ladies, please be seated!

It's only a little joke!

She's only trying--
she's a big practical joker.

I'd like you to meet Mr. Gable's
old Sunday School teacher...

Carole, what's the matter?

Carole?

Please be seated, everybody!

Okay, now I'm gonna
tell you what I think of you.

I'm sorry,
but I couldn't help it.

Nobody has a right
to tell us how to live.

And I'd do it again
if I had the chance.

You would, would ya?
Yeah, I would!

Well, I'm gonna
teach you a lesson.
Dixie, get out.

Shall I call the police?
I can take care of myself.

If you come near me,
you big ape,

I'm gonna knock your block off!

Oh, yeah?
Yeah!

And don't try any of
your fancy business.

Let go of me,
you big bully!

As soon as I tell you
what I think of you.

I don't care
what you think of me!

Listen, you dizzy dame!
I'm proud of you!

What'd you say?

I said I'm proud of you.

You are?
Well, sure.

I'd have done it myself,
but I couldn't find
a red dress to fit.

Oh, my baby.

Now I'm gonna
teach you a lesson...

you skinny, dizzy,
dishwater blond.

I just want you to know that

whatever dumb thing
you ever do...

I'm always gonna be
right there...

with you.

Are they in there?
Yes.

What happened?

Clark, coming in.

GABLE:
Oh, get lost.

We've got trouble.

Don't tell me the ladies
are still upset.

The ladies--
that was easy.

Kids...

we've got real trouble.

Well, our lawyer says
she won't settle.

She's not looking for a payoff.

She wants the baby

and she wants you
declared the father.

We knew the nuts
would come out
of the woodwork

when that
magazine article
was printed.

We'll just have to get
the best lawyers,

try to discredit her in court,

and hope we can beat it.

Wait a minute.

I'll just make a statement.

I'll tell the truth,
that he's been with me
every night.

And that'll be
the end of it.

Who do I call? The DA?

MAYER:
That's very funny,
my dear.

You're gonna call
and tell everybody

that everything that we
have been trying

to cover up all these months
is really the truth?

Broderick, are you pushing
this girl too hard?

BRODERICK:
Carole, he's right.

That's suicide.

He'll have the best lawyers.
We'll get Geisler.

Ivan, make a call now.
Get Geisler on the phone.

Ivan, please sit down.

Who do I listen to, L.B.?

You listen to me, Ivan.
Now sit down for a while.

All right, now,
What, darling?

They'll say he had
the best lawyers
that Metro could buy,

that's how he got off.

I don't care
how innocent you prove him,

something like this,
he's still guilty,

nobody's gonna believe
he didn't do it.

'Cause the don't want to.

They'll say
we bought the verdict.

I can't have that,
Mr. Mayer.

Careers, business,
money--

is that all
you guys think about?

For chrissake,
you gotta have
some principles.

I did what I did today
because I had to.

Maybe I was wrong,

but at least I did
what I had to do.

Well, I'm not wrong
about this.

And I'm not gonna sit back
and let 'em chop my man up

when all I have to do
is tell the truth.

If they don't want my pictures
because of what I am...

screw 'em.

I've got
a costume fitting
at eleven.

I don't want
to be late.

I've said all
I had to say.

BRODERICK:
Wardrobe fittings--
why waste time?

The picture's supposed
to start in two weeks.

What's the point now?
Who's gonna play it?

Look, we knew
we were taking a chance
when we started.

I got a few bucks saved up.

I've always wanted
to get a farm.

That's very nice, my boy.

I think everyone should do
what they always wanted to do.

So you do
what you want to do,
my son.

You do what'll make you happy.

I believe that you alone
can be happy on that farm,

because I know you were
never that crazy about
being an actor.

But what about Carole?

Can she?

You heard her.

Yes. Yes, I did.

Perhaps she is different from
every other actress in town.

Perhaps she is a saint.

Perhaps she does have
that supernatural power

to remain untouched by life.

What's that
supposed to mean?

Maybe it's just that
I've seen too many actresses
react the same way--

robbed of all
that life has come to mean,
and then go to ruin.

The list is endless--

Eagels, Normand...

drugs, booze...

institutions,
suicide.

One day a legend,
the next a poor soul
on the street.

And you think
Carole's like that?

Of course, you ask her now,

she'll say,
"To hell with the career."

She's got you.

So, you promise me one thing.

You promise me that you'll
never let her out of your sight.

Especially those days when she
might get a little restless...

and she knows
she could never come back.

You just promise me that
you'll never let her be alone.

Pa!

Darling!

Pa?

Clark!

Oh, I'm so glad you're here.
I don't know what got into me.

I couldn't stay
in the house by myself.

I had to go get some groceries.

I guess I just
missed you a lot, baby.

You know, I saw the way
you looked at me today
in Mayer's office.

I really felt
very, very loved.

I just couldn't wait
for you to come home.

I love you, bad baby.
What the hell you doin'?

Come on, hold it!
That's what I'm tryin' to do.

What's the matter,
you got a headache?
I'm just kidding.

Look...

tomorrow morning
I'm gonna go down
to the DA.

And everything
is gonna be okay,
I promise you.

Now I'm gonna go make you
your favorite dinner,

and you're gonna
feel wonderful

and happy and sassy.

Oh, I got you
something great tonight,
honey.

So, you're gonna
talk to the DA?

Yeah.

The only problem is,
if you you do that...

...you're gonna be
making a mistake.

What are you
talking about?

It's the truth.

What is?

About the kid.

( laughs )

Would you cut it out, Gable?

Save it for
the Academy, honey.

( laughing )

But it's my kid.

Look, it's a nice try, Gable.
The gag ain't gonna work.

It's not a gag.

I just don't want to see you
embarrass yourself in front
of the DA.

You're the one who ought
to be embarrassed.

If you're gonna go around
banging some flea-brained slut,

you should at least
have the courtesy

to spare the world
descendents.

Maybe. But it's my mistake
and I gotta pay for it.

Oh, come on.
You sound like
you're serious.

I am.

She claims you
spend the night with her.

We've been together
every single night.

You're forgetting
about that week
I went on location.

I left here on Monday
and we didn't start shooting
till Wednesday.

Would you cut it out?
I don't believe this.

You're just trying
to get back at me for
what I did this morning.

Well, it's worked, all right?
Now just stop it.

I don't think
it's funny anymore.

I'm sorry, baby.

Gable, I don't believe this.

It's been good with us.
Hasn't it?

Yeah, it was for a while.

But, uh...well,
to tell you the truth,

it just got a little dull.

I, uh, needed a change.

I guess this kind of thing
happens when two people

have been together
for a while.

Look, honey,
I wouldn't hurt you
for the world.

And I...

I didn't want to tell you this,

but...

I--I couldn't think
of any other way to stop you.

You left me no choice.

It's true, huh?
It's really true?

Yes.

You swear?

I'm tellin' you
the truth.
Just swear.

I swear it's the truth.

Get out.

( coin jingles )

A. D. Broderick.

Clark Gable.

Broderick?

Yeah, you can go ahead
with your picture.

Carole isn't gonna
give you any more trouble.

( hangs up )

( tearfully )
Look at him,
sitting over there.

Thinks he can
can do anything he wants,
big movie star.

I swore on the Bible
this morning, and that
means something to me.

And I swear to you,
he's the father of my child.
Holy Mary, mother of God...

( all talking )

Clark, they'd believe you
in a minute--one minute--

if you could prove to 'em where
you been spending your nights.

You, uh...

you heard anything
from Carole at all?

Yeah, she's on location
in Arizona.

Hear the picture's
going very well.

Listen, Clark,
I know this is lousy timing,

but I think I better tell you

before you read about it
tomorrow.

The legal department
is using the morals clause

to get out of your contract.

We've been instructed
to stop all publicity on you.

Yeah, I figured.

People forget fast, Clark.

I'll bet you won't
be out of it more than
a couple of years.

Then you can come back into it.

Maybe a good supporting role.

Oh, hell, at least
you and Carole will
be together again.

It wouldn't work, Coop.

Wouldn't be the same.

What's different?

I'd be telling her I only
did it to save her career,

so she can be grateful to me
for the rest of our lives.

Why, she'd be guilty,
sorry makin' 3 Gs a week.

I'd be a hero--
makin' a buck an hour.

No, maybe I'll go
back home to Ohio,

find me a little farm.

Ladies and gentlemen
of the jury...

you see sitting before you

a man accused unjustly

of an act he did not commit.

The plaintiff has charged

that the defendant, Mr. Gable,

took advantage
of her generosity.

As this trial has shown,

the plaintiff, Miss Watson,

is indeed a very generous woman.

In fact, she has endeavored
to prove that generosity

on numerous occasions.

In this trial
there has been no evidence--

Excuse me, Mr. Kramer.

Gentlemen.

( whispering )

( whispering )

Will you call the witness,
please?

BAILIFF:
The court calls
the next witness.

Carole Lombard
is here to testify.

What?

( spectators murmur )

( judge strikes gavel )

Place your left hand
on the Bible and raise
your right hand, please.

Do you solemnly swear
to tell the truth,
the whole truth,

and nothing but the truth,
so help you God?

Yes, sir, I do.

State your name.

Carole Lombard.

Be seated.

Your Honor, may I have a moment
to confer with the witness?

Yes, go ahead.

( whispering )

We're ready, Your Honor.

Miss Lombard,
how long have you known
the defendant?

Several years, sir.

I see. Now, Miss Lombard,

what is the nature
of your relationship
with the defendant?

Well, sir, uh...

the defendant and I, uh,

we've--

Miss Lombard,
just take your time.

Don't be nervous,
remain calm,

and just try to
answer the question

in any manner in which
you feel most comfortable.

Oh, thank you,
Your Honor.

Well, uh...

...me and that big ape
over there

have been hitting the sack
every night,

and I got a sore back
to prove it.

( laughter,
judge strikes gavel )

Miss Lombard,
are you saying

that you and the defendant--
a married man--

have been actively...

engaging in illicit activity?

Yep. And loving
every minute of it.

( laughter,
gavel strikes )

Now, Miss Lombard,

do you believe
that the defendant

has been faithful to you in
the time you've been together?

Yes, sir, I do.

Isn't it possible
that he could have been
seeing other women

without your knowledge?

It's highly unlikely.
And why is that?

Because we've been together
every night.

( loud murmuring )
Every night?

Every night.

Except for the Monday
he left on the 8:45 Superchief

and arrived at a location
the same night,

ready to begin shooting
early Tuesday morning--

not Wednesday morning.

So you're saying
that you and the defendant

have been together every night
since he's been in town?

In the same bed.

If there was someone else
in there with us, sweetie,
I'd have known.

( laughter )

Now, Miss Lombard,

isn't it possible
that the defendant

could have gotten up
in the middle of the night,

gotten dressed,
met somebody,

and then come back?

Well, it--it's, uh...
it's highly unlikely.

Why is that?

Uh, can I show you
the way we sleep?

Please.

Well, uh, I'm on this side
and he's on this side,

and he's got his butt
right up there against mine,

and it's, uh, it's, uh,
it's warm and it's round.

It's soft,
maybe a little bit
too soft,

but it's there--
all night.

If he moves it,
believe me, I know.

( laughter )

JUDGE: Mr. Kramer,

I think if you'd
make a motion for dismissal,

this court might be
favorably disposed.

We so move,
Your Honor.
Motion granted.

This case is dismissed.

REPORTER:
What's gonna happen
to their careers?

I'll be very frank with you--
I don't know.

Come on, honey,
the car's right out here.

Happy Valentine's Day,
Clark.

Where'd you get it?

I bought it. For you.

Thanks, baby.

And thanks for
getting me off, ma.

Only you know you knocked out
two careers with one punch.

I always packed
a pretty good punch.

You must have thought
I was some dummy,

feeding me that line
and me falling for it.

Oh, I don't know.
Oh, come on.

There I was
out in the middle of the desert,

and I was trying
to think things out.

Suddenly it hits me.
This guy has hardly got
enough for me--

how's he gonna be
knockin' off all these dames
on the side?

Wait just a minute!
Come on, Gable.

You're good once
or twice at a time.

What about Thanksgiving?
4th of July? Halloween?!

Okay, so you're hot
on holidays.

Anyway, it didn't take Einstein
to figure out why you did it.

Oh, you dummy!
Don't you know me by now?

I'm not gonna
stay out of a fight.

If they're gonna kick you out,

they're gonna
have to kick me out
right along with you.

How do you feel about
milking cows

the rest of your life?

We'll get some chickens,
a tractor, a few acres--

why, we'll be living
so high off the hog

the hens'll be laying
fried eggs.

If they're your hens,
they'll lay anything.

( ignition stutters )

What kind of a car is this?
Oh, there we go.

This is going
right next to our bed

so every morning
when I wake up I'll see it.

I'll remember how
I felt that day...

how I'm gonna feel every day
for the rest of our lives.

Well, I just hope you don't
miss all the excitement, ma.

Excitement? Come on.

You know. I just hope
you don't get bored
after a couple of years.

We'll be too busy
raising cows and chickens and...

if Ria doesn't give in,
a couple of little bastards.

I hope so, ma.

Maybe you're right.
Maybe I will miss
the excitement...

when we're eighty-three
and can't move, except to itch.

I guess it'll be
too late then.

We'll just have to
get ourselves

a couple of great rockers
and sit out on our porch...

two weary old farmers.

And maybe the most
exciting thing of all

will just be to
turn to each other...

when everyone else
has forgotten us...

see nothing but
the same two dopes
we see today.

Let's get over to Paramount
and pack your things.

Okay.

You know,
there's one good thing.

There was a premiere tonight
the studio wanted me to go to.

I'll never have to another one
of those dumb things.

What's the picture?
Any good?

I don't know.
Everyone in town's
gonna be there.

Oh, yeah?
Everyone, huh?
Mm-hmm.

You know,
you're always yakking about
me not taking you anywhere.

How would you feel about
taking in a movie tonight?

Well, after today,

they're likely to
throw tomatoes at us.

Well, you know me, kid--

I always did have an eye
for a ripe tomato.

Yes, everyone in Hollywood
is here tonight.

This certainly has been
a star-studded premiere,

hasn't it, Hedda?
It really has, Tommy.

We've seen Gary Cooper,
Robert Taylor,

Jeanette MacDonald--
they're all here.

And I see another car
pulling up now--
let's see who gets out.

( crowd goes silent )

( applause builds )

( cheers )

TOMMY:
It's Carole Lombard
and Clark Gable.

We'll try to bring them up here
to our radio microphone.

Clark, can we get you
over here for a second
with Carole

to our radio audience?

Good evening, Carole,
how are you?

Clark, how are you?

COOP: Kids, we're
back in business again.

Hedda, thank you
for that wonderful story.

Tommy, do you mind
if I read it?

"Two great stars,
very much in love,

"had the courage
to go before the public
with the truth.

And for this,
they deserve our
undying respect."

Bless you.

Here, listen to this.

Walter Winchell,
four-star extra--

"The heroes are the lovers.

The villain is the wife
who keeps them apart."

Louella, the same thing.
"Today in the courtroom
love triumphed."

The phone calls are coming in,
the telegrams haven't stopped.

And here's
the best news of all.

Hot off the AP wire--

"Ria Gable gives in,
grants Clark Gable divorce."

Come on, kids,
let's go in
and see a movie.

Congratulations!

( applause )

NEWSREEL:
It was a busy week
on the eastern seaboard

as a bevy of beauties from
each of our forty-eight states

converged on Atlantic City

for the annual
Miss America pageant...

Who do you
think you are--
Clark Gable?

...swimsuit competition.

As the week drew
to a close,

the lucky winner was a very
emotional Miss from Alabama.

In Europe, as Hitler
continues his hypnotic hold

on the German people,

the question
"Is war inevitable?"

waits for an answer...

Zieg heil! Zieg heil!
Zieg heil...

Americans, too,

may soon be asking
the same question--

war or peace?

Only time can tell.

Honey, did you hear
on the radio?

It's awful--
we surrendered Corregidor.

MacArthur's left
the Philippines.

Don't worry
about it, honey.

We may take a long time
to get rollin',

but we'll get 'em.
I hope so.

What's in the mail?

Well, there's a check
from your studio,

a check from my studio.

Uh-huh. Anything else?

That letter
you've been waiting for.

What are you
talking about?

I know all about it.

The U.S. Army
can't win without you.

You got me all
figured out, don't you?

From that first drop
of phony blood.

I'm gonna be
an aerial gunner.

Guy in Washington
told me they were short
of recruits,

that if I joined up it'd help
their volunteer program.

Finally found me a good way

to make all this
movie star crap pay off.

Don't worry, ma,
I'll be all right.

I know that.

I'm joining up myself.

Yeah. I got a call
from Roz this morning.

She's forming a committee
to sell war bonds all over
the country.

You know me--never could
stay out of a good fight.

Why, you'll put Eisenhower
right out of business.

You'll take care of yourself,
won't you, Mr. Gable?

You know damn well
I will, Mrs. Gable.

Look what I got
to come back to--
you, this place...

Whatever happens, ma,

we got a lot of years
to be thankful for.

Nothing's gonna
take that away.

( car approaches, stops )

Clark.

Hiya, kid.

Got here as soon as I could.

I understand
they spotted some survivors
near the wreckage.

Any word yet?

Be any time now.

It's funny, Coop--

from the day I enlisted...

she was afraid something
was gonna happen to me.

I hear she sold
two million bucks' worth

of war bonds
in Indianapolis yesterday.

The kid set a record.

You never could
keep her down, could you?

( voice breaking )
I told her to--

to take the train.

She has an appointment
tomorrow in L.A.

with another specialist.

She wants that kid so badly.

I told her it didn't matter.

Hell, I got enough trouble
takin' care of her.

Mr. Gable.

I'm sorry about your wife...
but there are no survivors.

How about the people
they spotted near the wreckage?

An advance rescue party.

We just received
confirmation.

I want to go up.

It's gonna be
pretty tough

to make an identification.

I don't care.

Don't go up there, kid.

That's not how
she wants to be remembered.

( car starts )

Hey, uh...

I, uh...

heard a--
I heard a...

a good one today.

A guy tells his doc...

"Doc, me and the wife
don't seem to be able to...

get the urge
at the same time."

The doc says to him...

"Next time you get the urge,
well...

"just...just grab her
right there and do it.

It'll work."

So a few days later
he sees the doc

and says, "Hey, Doc,
thanks for the advice.

"Me and the wife
were havin' dinner,

"and, uh...

"well, I got the urge and...

"I put down my fork and I
grabbed her right up and...

"well, I did it to her
right there on the table.

Well, she loved it."

The doc said, "Wonderful!
What'd I tell ya?"

He says, "Yeah,
but one thing bothers me."

He says, "We won't be going back
to the Brown Derby again."

My wife told me that one.