G-Men from Hell (2000) - full transcript

Dean Crept and Mike Mattress are two government agents, 'G-men' whom are murdered in an ambush and sent straight to the hot and fiery realm of hell. Dean and Mike manage to escape using a magical dimension traveling crystal to land them back on Earth where they decide to open their own private investigating service, with some stolen money from their killer Buster Lloyd, and soon land a fashionable office space with an attractive and loyal secretary-of-all-trades named Marete. Dean and Mike's first job is to help a mysterious femme fatal named Gloria Lake who fears her wealthy husband is plotting to swindle out of her inheritance. But before that can happen, the husband is murdered, and Dean and Mike are the suspects. With a relentless police detective tailing them, Dean and Mike try to solve the case, while dealing with the Devil's agent who follows them up from hell to bring them back within 46 hours.

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[ Up-tempo jazz music playing ]

Nobody understands
me, not a soul.

You keep saying that.

Mm.

How long have you been
feeling this way?

Oh, you know how long.

Ja. Ja. An eternity.

Perhaps we should move on.

Tell me about your mother.

You see, I'm really
not such a bad guy.

It's just -- it's just I've --
well, it's just i-i-I've got



this job to do.

Everyone has some job,
some task, some specialty.

But I keep feeling everybody
hates me, like -- like -- like

it's all my fault.

But I am not the one to blame.

Come, now.

Is it reasonable to believe that

people you don't
know would hate you?

It's the things I do, I guess.

I mean, let's -- let's face it.

I've got to do some unpopular
things in my... line of work.

How would you categorize
your line of work?

I have one of the most... [
Whispering ] I don't know, man

I'm not so sure about this.



What's the matter, mattress?

Are you scared?

I'm not scared.

I'm not scared of nothing.

You're not telling me you're
starting to like this place?

I want to get out of here as
much as the next sap, okay?

I just don't want to get caught,
okay?

If we get caught, we're gonna be
in a world of snot

Where do you think we are now?

This is it.

It doesn't get any worse
than this

This is the place the
nuns were talking about.

My mind is the best mind in
all the universe, except for

God, of course.

He has the best mind.

I have the second best.

We were living up there.

We lived up there
in the heavens.

God will see he screwed up
sending us down here, and then

we'll be on easy street, kid.

We didn't do one stinking
bad deed to get down here.

Right?

Right, deano?

It's a raw, us getting
sent down here.

All we got to do is get back on
an earthly plane and do a couple

of good deeds.

It's gonna be all right, kid.

You show me how to do one

good deed, I'll do a
thousand good deeds.

First we got to get out of here.

Well, our time is up.

We will continue next week.

Wait. I'm finished?

Uh, sorry.

You know the rules.

Ah.

I had so much more to say.

[ Whispering ] Watch it.

Uh, would you mind taking
care of your past-due bill?

You're all the same.

Whoa.

Look out.

[ Door creaks ]

All right, listen up.

I've been staking out this creep
the past couple of weeks.

Every time after therapy, he
makes his way back to earth to

rack up a few more souls.

Now, this is what we're gonna
when he makes his move this

time, we follow him, okay?

You ready?

Well -- let's go.

[ Door creaks ]

Now what's he doing?

Shh.

Is that a crystal?

Yeah.Thecrystal.

[ Door creaks ]

Keep a lookout.

[ Door creaks ]

Another crystal.

Nice.

Come on. Let's do it.

All right.

Hello, boys!

Shoot.

How's it going, Mikey?

Oh, weenie man, what the
hell are you doing here?

Hell is where we're at, Mickey.

I told you, never call
me "Mickey," weenie!

Please. I prefer "winiford."

[ Grunts ]

Ohh!

Hey, hey, cool it, kid.

Stinkin' devil zombie.

Hey, after all, I've got as

much right to be here
as both of youse.

You got more, you
ass-lickin' -- hey!

I told you to cool it, kid.

Yeah.

Now, that temper of yours is
gonna get the best of you.

Ugh! Ohh.

[ Groans ]

Come on. Let's go.

Okay, but where?

There.

Deano.

Come on, mattress.

I'm not jumping into that!

[ Breathing heavily ]

We've got nothing to lose.

[ Girls giggling ]

Maybe, uh -- maybe hell
isn't so bad, you know?

I mean, uh, there
-- there are perks.

Look, you stay if you want.

I'm going.

Later, kid.

[ Evil laughter ]

Come on, mattress.

I don't know, man.

Come on. It's not so bad.

Come on!

[ Laughter continues ]

[ Grunts ]

Aah! Aah! Aah!

Grab the crystal!

Aaaaaah!

Ohhhhhh!

Aaaaaah!

Ohhhhhh!

Aaaaaah!

Ohhhhhh!

Aah!

Whoa!

[ Both grunt ]

[ Both gasping, coughing ]

[ Both laugh ]

I think we made it!

[ Exhales heavily, coughs ]

Somebody's coming.

[ Sultry jazz music plays ]

Whoa, baby, I think we just

skipped earth and went
straight to heaven.

What the hell are you
doing in my tub?

We better get out of here.

Uh, uh, we were inspecting

the, uh -- the -- the
shower rings, ma'am.

Nice, uh -- nice rings.

Get out now, or
I'll call the cops!

Well, uh, there's no
need for that, ma'am.

We're FBI.

I'm agent crept, and this is
my partner, Mike mattress.

Right.

And I'm j. Edgar hoover.

I doubt Mr. hoover could
fill a towel like that.

All right, cut it out, mattress.

We got work to do.

Pardon us, ma'am.

Catch you later. [ Chuckles ]

[ Exhales sharply, scoffs ]

What's the rush, deano?

It's been awhile since I -- put
it in your pants, mattress.

I think she likes me.

Good deeds, Mike.

Remember?

Good deeds.

We have plenty of time for
broads later, after we're in

solid with the big guy.

[ Mid-tempo jazz music plays ]

[ Chuckles ] Our old beat.

So, what do we do now?

First thing we do -- set
up a p.I. Business.

That way, we can help people.

How we gonna afford
this shindig?

Don't worry about it, kid.

I got that covered.

Huh?

We're gonna hit up
buster the shark.

Buster Lloyd? Why buster?

Because he bought us off when

we was g-men, and
that's his scene.

[ Scoffs ] No kidding.

I don't have my gun.

Hey. I don't even have my badge.

Don't worry about it.

We'll persuade him.

[ Chuckling ] And I'm
just the man to do it.

Yeah, a little arm-twist
-- our first good deed.

Evil must perish.

Good.

[ Knock on door ]

[ Chuckles ]

Yeah? What?

[ Grunts ]

Unh!

Ohh!

[ Exhales sharply ]

[ Groaning ]

Hmm.

Aah!

[ Gasping ]

Crept! Mattress!

But... you were knocked off!

The papers said -- "dirty
feds bit the big one."

[ Chuckles ]

Misprint, pal.

Do we look dead to you, huh?

No.

Listen up, rat.

We come here looking
for some payback, see?

Huh?

Hey, buster... Ow!

It wasn't you that
set us up, was it?

No, Mike. Ow!

Honest. No.

Oh, yeah?

Well, then you won't mind

spotting us a couple
of bucks, will you?

Ow.

[ Breathing heavily ]

Uh, n-no, no problem.

But, uh, uh, uh -- but could
you come back tomorrow?

I'm, uh -- I'm a little
short right now.

Tomorrow is an eternity, pal.

A high mogul like you's
got to have a stash.

Yeah, uh, of course I
got a stash, you know?

You fellas just name how much
money you need, and, well, the

old bank of buster
will float you along.

In fact, you don't even
have to pay the vig.

Don't worry about it, buster.

We're not greedy.

I'm sure whatever you got
in the safe will be fine.

And don't worry.

We plan on paying you back.

Buster, uh, you wouldn't
happen to know who, uh, might

have set us up, would you?

Or may be who rigged
that booby trap?

You guys didn't
know what happened?

Oh, it was terrible.

It was an accident.

The two of you fellas was
walking across the street, in

the middle of the crosswalk, and
then out of nowhere -- bam!

Except we weren't hit by
cars, you freak head!

Those guys were waiting for
us, armed till doomsday!

You know, buster, that car
bomb -- it was no accident.

What do you think?

I think, uh, till you guys
get back on the government

expense account, uh, well, we'll
have to wait until my memory

gets a little better.

Well, but until then -- ugh!

[ Blows ]

Nice try, jerk.

If that ain't a good deed,
I don't know what is.

Nice shootin'.

Where'd you get the piece?

You kidding me?

He's got a gun in every nook
and cranny in this place.

How much we got?

Plenty.

Too bad, buster.

We probably would have just
messed you around a little bit.

Say "so long" to Satan.

[ Chuckles ]

I'm sure you'll be smelling
his puss-bucket breath.

[ Both laugh ]

[ Sighs ]

Puss-bucket.

[ Both laugh ]

I don't get it.

I just don't get it.

I mean, those two guys --
they're not that bright.

And they're not
that good-looking.

So, what makes them
so, uh, special?

They stole your crystal!

I saw them do it!

Right after you left,
they -- [ groaning ]

Will you shut up?!

I'm trying to talk here!

I can't hear myself think!

Excuse me.

Now, I had nothing to do with
it, and I pleaded with them.

I begged them.

I said, "don't take the crystal.

Don't take the crystal."

But they took the crystal.

I'm sure that's absolutely true.

I mean, why would you lie,
considering the consequences?

[ Laughs evilly ]

All right, my little retriever,
go, bring my children back home.

See, winiford, we're
like family down here.

We don't want anyone
flying from the Coop.

No.

[ Laughs evilly ]

[ Sighs ]

Tsk, tsk, tsk.

[ Chuckling ] Hey.

Buster's got some fine threads.

Care for a new tie, Mr. crept?

Eh.

You couldn't never
trust that weasel.

But he always kept stock
of the finer things.

Oh, I love plaid.

Go on. Help yourself.

That creepy ain't gonna be
needing more than one pair of

trousers from now on.

[ Chuckles ]

Come to think of it, his
wheels ain't gonna do him any

good, either, huh?

[ Laughs ]

These clothes -- they
don't fit right.

Pretty good for a donation, huh?

You look snazzy. [ Chuckles ]

[ Breathing heavily ]

[ Horn honks ]

[ Engine turns over ]

[ Tires screech ]

So, where to now, deano?

I found this cool office,
a real fixer/upper.

You're gonna love it.

Oh. I can hardly wait.

[ Horn honks ]

[ Tires screech ]

[ Engine shuts off ]

[ Car doors close ]

Hey. You Lester?

That's right.

We're crept and mattress.

We come about the office.

You want the office?

Sign the lease.

Is it a nice place?

Define "nice."

Would I want to do
your mom in it?

You got a sharp
mouth, young man.

I'd watch it if I was youse.

Relax, pal.

Kid's got a warped
sense of humor.

I'll sign the lease.

Here you go.

[ Horn honks ]

Rent's due on the first.

You're late once, I'll
give a 3-day notice.

All right, no problem.

Yeah, that's what
everybody says.

You're late twice,
and I make a visit.

[ Bell rings ]

And I'll get both
of your cheeks!

Then I'll put it
in a meat grinder!

And I'll grind it up into
little, bitty meatballs!

Do you understand?!

Pleasure doing business
with you, pal.

Hey, you guys, wait a minute.

Didn't the paper say youse
guys got killed or something?

Don't believe everything you
read in the papers, pal.

Here you go, crabby.

I love this place.

It's got style, real style.

[ Bell rings ]

I think your brain is damaged.

Solid architecture.

They don't make them
like this anymore.

Where's our office?

Right up here, fourth floor.

[ Breathing heavily ]

[ Groans ]

What do you think, huh?

Old-school, right?

[ Sniffs ] What's that smell?

[ Panting ]

Here we go, kid -- the
start of our new life.

[ Door opens ]

Crept, this stinks.

Come on. Relax, kid.

Huh?

Fresh coat of paint, some new
furniture, a looker of a

secretary -- this'll
be a classy business.

Yeah, right.

Hey, will, glad you made it.

Luke.

There's no body, and there's
not much to work with yet.

Who's the haircut?

[ Flashbulb pops ]

Your new partner.

Come again?

Alex Dalton.

The commissioner's nephew.

That's right.

Wonderful.

Thanks for the warning.

Hey, no problem.

Just go easy on him.

Yeah, right.

Lieutenant Langdon, I'm really
glad to have you as part

of the team.

Well, it's an honor to be here.

Well, you know, it's, uh --
it's kind of common knowledge

that you are a, uh -- a gay --
that is to say, homosexual man.

And I just want to say up front

that I have absolutely
no problem.

[ Growls ]

I am a sadistic leather-master
homosexual, and I will tease

your sensibilities.

Stand down.

I don't have any problem with
pussies, as long as they stay

out of my face.

What do you got?

Uh, well, the -- the, uh,
landlady heard some shots.

Um, the room is registered
to one buster Lloyd.

He's a small-time hood.

An informant, a dealer.

I know him well.

What else?

Uh, okay.

There was no forced entry.

The safe was not jimmied, but it

was, however, cleaned out, which
means that either buster has

skipped town or
he's been popped.

He's been popped.

Yeah.

Do you know what the
word "pop" means?

Move him.

Let's go.

Come on.

What else do you got?

Um, well, uh, you know, uh...
Whose blood?

I'm sorry?

Whose brains made this
pattern on the wall?

Oh, uh, that is... We don't
-- we don't have that yet.

[ Chuckles ]

Are we supposing they're
buster's brains?

For Christ's sake, what have
you been doing all morning?

Well, w-we were trying to
gather evidence properly.

Now, w-wait a second.

We found, uh, two sets of
prints, one right down there on

the broken vase, and then there
was another one on the safe.

Prints. Whose?

What are you expecting --
a handwritten signature?

W-we also found a gun
on the floor, a .45.

It had been recently fired.

A gun. That's good.

What else?

Oh, uh, one last thi-- oh,
his clothes and his car were

both gone, which leads us to
believe that that's probably

somebody else's brains -- blood.

Sorry.

Jesus, palmina.

Get down!

I want you to find that body.

Find the murder weapon, if you
ladies have time for that.

And by the size of this bullet
hole, we're looking for a .38

police special.

It's way too small for a .45.

You! Come on! Get moving!

Move it!

This is a nice house.

[ Snoring ]

They should have a lot of money.

And it'll be all ours.

[ Birds chirping ]

What is it now?

Listen, I am telling
you, they are back!

They have killed buster.

Now they may be
coming for you or me.

Mmm.

I've always preferred the
bouquet of blue lady to Mr.
Lincoln.

It's so much more subtle.

[ Chuckles ]

They have come back
from the dead!

Then it's a double-cross.

All right, all right, I
will take care of it.

Anyway, buster
deserved what he got.

Oh.

Well, then maybe buster's body
could be donated to science.

Waste not, want not.

I really don't care
what you do anymore.

What?

Dr. boiffard, I think the time
has come for you and I to

go our separate ways.

But if I were you -- but
you're not me, are you?

Look, you've done
a wonderful job.

You'll get a fair severance, and
all debts will be extinguished.

However, as you see, my
interests have shifted from the

sciences [Sniffs] to the arts.

I wish you the very best
in your research, doctor.

But mattress and crept
-- they may come back.

That's a good one.

Like Jesus Christ, huh?

Oh, no, no.

Or, rather, like Lazarus.

Goodbye, doctor.

Hi.

Hmph!

Hmm.

Dr. boiffard left
without saying hello.

That was very rude.

You didn't upset
him, did you, grey?

He is a man with an
overactive imagination.

Not to worry, my darling.

Not -- Gloria, how
many times have I

told you to wear more clothing
when you're ambling about.

The help will lose respect.

Mmm.

Heya, doc.

What happened?

Ah, the idiot fired me.

What? He can't do that.

What about the trust money?

I don't care. I warned him.

Whatever happens now
is his own fault.

We've got our own work to do.

Now, wake him up.

I am too weak to drive.

Hey, dingus, get up.

[ Groans, snorts ]

Come on.

Take Dr. boiffard to the lab.

[ Engine turns over ]

[ Chuckles ]

Hey, crept, that you?

Yeah.

Oh, what's happening, Ace?

You're not gonna
like this very much.

What?

I just ran into an old
acquaintance of ours.

[ Laughs ]

How you doing, Ricky?!

Uh, what the hell
is he doing here?

Hell is why I'm here, Mickey.

I told you not to call me that.

[ Gunshot ]

Ow!

Stinkin' zombies.

They don't even have
a brain to blow out.

Aw.

Why you have to go
and do that for?

[ Spits ]

[ Brain squishes ]

It's gonna leave a scar.

You two don't have
to be angry with me.

I'm just doing what I'm told.

What's that?

To bring you two back and the
crystal to where you belong.

Hey, no way.

We ain't going back there
under any circumstances.

Relay that message, weenie.

You can tell that sulfurous,
fart-smellin', over-tan

butt-licker we're too good to
spend eternity down there!

You got that, bub?

[ Sighs ]

Yeah.

You fellas don't belong here.

You're just like me, except
you're too afraid to admit it.

[ Chuckles ]

Admitting it has
nothing to do with it.

Did you know that you could
shoot yourself in the foot and

you wouldn't even feel it?

[ Chuckles ]

[ Scoffs ]

I'm not gonna fall for that.

You know I'm right.

Oh, you don't think
I'm man enough, huh?

Don't let him get
inside your head, kid.

It's okay, deano.

I'm gonna show this miserable

zombie what a real
g-man is made out of.

Don't be a sap.

No blood.

You two were sent to hell
because that's where you belong!

If we knew there was a hell,

we would have done a
lot of good deeds.

But I can say with a clear
conscience we never did a bad

deed, right, deano?

Oh, yeah.

Then how come you were taking
payoffs from crooks like buster

so that he can go on with
business as usual, huh?!

So? Everybody did that.

See, that's the thing.

You don't know the first
thing about law enforcement.

So, tell your damn boss to get

thee hence and get the
hell out of here!

Well, I'll pass the word on.

Listen to me, you punk.

We ain't like you and the rest

of the scum down
there, all right?

We're better than that.

All right! All right!

But I just hope you guys
know what you're doing.

[ Laughs evilly ]

You do, deano, right?

I mean, we did have it better

than some of those
poor saps down there.

Don't sweat it, mattress.

We ain't going back.

[ Bell rings ]

All right, here you go,
fellas, right this way.

Come on, over here
against the wall.

There you go.

[ Sighs ]

There you go. Be careful.

See?

Hey!

Huh? It's not so bad.

You know what we got to do?

We got to change our attitude,
you know, open up our minds.

What we need right
now is a secretary.

I'm gonna go call one
of them temp agencies.

What I need right now
is a glass of water.

There you go, fellas.

Buy yourselves an ice-cream
cone, all right?

Thanks.

[ Exhaling heavily ]

It's not polite to stare.

Well, in my case, do you
mind making an exception?

Because it's been a long time
since I've seen a moving man

with such big brown eyes.

[ Chuckles ]

My eyes are Hazel, but nice try.

So they are.

Mm-hmm. [ Chuckles ]

So, how long you
been at this racket?

Well, if you're gonna make it
your business [Chuckles] since

10:30 this morning.

Yeah? You liking it?

Well -- [ Groaning ] -- I don't

think my back's
liking it very much.

I imagine not.

What do you say about
a career change?

My partner and I are looking to
hire a, uh, individual with your

qualifications.

[ Keys clack ]

Can you type?

[ Exhales sharply ]

95 words a minute.

You're hired.

[ Squeals ]

Can I wear skirts?

[ Giggles ]

Only if you get a note
from your doctor.

[ Clears throat ]

Oh, I'm marete, by the
way, uh, marete Morrissey.

[ Giggles ]

My résumé -- I have it
somewhere, but, well, it's not

on me [Giggles] as you can see.

[ Giggles ]

Mike.

Mattress.

Hi.

Crept. Dean crept.

Mm. Hi.

Hi.

Hey, wait a minute.

You ain't accountants, are you?

Not by a long chalk.

Good.

[ Giggles ]

[ Knock on door ]

Well, kid, you still want the

job, you're on the
payroll as of right now.

[ Exhales sharply ]

[ Squeals ]

Great. I'll get that.

[ Exhales sharply ]

[ Exhales sharply ]

Oh, I'm really sorry, but the
job's already been filled.

Hi.

I hope this is the right place.

You're hired, too.

Excuse me?

[ Door closes ]

So, how fast do you type?

Pardon me?

You're crept and
mattress, I take it?

"The private dicks who
always get the job done"?

Maybe.

What's it to you, sister?

If you are, I'd
like to hire you.

Well, office hours don't start
for another 15 minutes,

but maybe you'd like
to hire me until then.

Oh, brother.

Ma'am, please, why
don't you have a seat?

Okay.

You don't recognize me, do you?

Shower rings.

Pardon?

You're the feds in my bath,
checking out my shower rings.

Oh, right. Yeah.

[ Chuckles ] Right.

I didn't recognize you
with your, uh, clothes on.

[ Drawer closes ]

Ma'am, is there something
we can do for you?

Hey.

What can we do to make
your day, sister?

I need your help.

I think my husband's
trying to kill me!

She needs us.

Lady, you came to
the right place.

You getting this, marete?

Uh-huh.

Let me see if I got
this straight.

Now, your daddy died, and
he left you a lot of money.

And you met this swell guy.

And you married this swell guy.

Now this swell guy ain't
so swell so no more.

That's about it.

And then I saw the
life-insurance policy he took

out on me without my knowledge.

Rotten bastard!

I'm afraid to go back to the
estate, not while he's there.

All right, I'll tell
you what you do.

You go wait at your apartment
downtown till we straighten

things out with your husband.

Yeah, hide out in that place
with the, uh, nifty tub.

Marete, would you care to escort
miss lake back to her car?

Of course.

Thank you, boys.

Thank you very much.

Our pleasure, sister.

I'm starting to like this
good-deed business, especially

when it's such a cinch.

Yeah, our first good deed,
and it's a sweet 'un.

Here you go, kid.

Put this in a safe place.

[ Door opens ]

[ Crickets chirping ]

[ Gasping ]

[ Tires screech ]

[ Engine shuts off ]

[ Crickets chirping ]

[ Doorbell rings ]

Nice joint.

Looks like lake could stand to

make a bundle knocking
off his missus.

Here's the sap now.

Yeah.

Yes? What can I do for you?

How you doing, Mr. lake?

I -- we understand you want to
collect all the insurance by

knocking off the missus, huh?

Ugh! [ Coughs ]

Well, that's just
not gonna happen.

Ugh!

Unh!

[ Groans ]

All right, listen up, lake.

I want you to pack up your
undies and get the hell out of
town.

You bother your wife again,
you're gonna end up in traction.

I'm... the Butler.

[ Breathing heavily ]

Mr. lake's upstairs
in the library.

Thanks, pal.

Oh.

If he's the Butler, at least he

could wear, like, a
name tag or something.

What, like "I'm
jeeves, the Butler"?

Don't be stupid.

Listen, when we get up there,
let me do the talking, will you?

I don't know where
this place I know.

Here we go.

Mr. lake?

Hey! Lake!

Come here to have a little
chat with you, Mr. lake.

Cut the crap, lake.

Your wife hired us.

Hey.

Will you look at that?

Dagnabbit!

[ Grunts ]

What the hell was that?

[ Gunshot ]

Damn!

Thought you never missed.

What are you, razzing
me about missing?

You're the one who saw the
costumed misfit first.

Why didn't you take
a shot at him?

Well, it doesn't look like Mrs.
lake's gonna be needing a

divorce anymore.

She's about as divorced
as she can get.

[ Exhales sharply ]

[ Chuckles ] Yeah.

Check out the stacks of loot.

Here you go, kid.

[ Chuckles ]

Hey. What are you doing?

Put the money back.

Good deeds, Mike.

Oh, doggone it.

It's one thing to take the
guy's booze and smoke his

cigars, but another
thing taking his dough.

It's wrong, kid.

[ Exhales sharply ]

Bingo.

Looks like Mrs. lake's old
man was a generous old soul.

Look, he left $15 million to
empire cloning and genetics.

You ever hear of them?

Nah.

So, you got any ideas?

About what?

Uh, who iced Mr. lake?

Ah.

If I had to guess right now,
I'd say a pissed-off tailor.

[ Chuckles ]

Uh-oh.

Oh, you sick bastards!

Hey, look, pal, it's not
like you think, okay?

[ Grunts ]

[ Gunshot ]

Both: Aah!

[ Crickets chirping ]

Ugh!

[ Dog barking ]

How you feeling?

I-i-i don't feel very well.

Were you sleeping?

Oh, no, no, no, i-i never sleep.

My fight against
evil must continue.

Well, don't you think your

fight against evil's
gone far enough?

Answer me, Gabe.

Evil must perish.

No, no, listen to me, okay?

You can't go on dressing in this

costume, roaming the
rooftops at night.

It will come to no good.

[ Stammers ]

I don't know how to
explain it, but I must.

Just let me put a
patch on this tear.

Avon... I'd go nuts without you.

[ Inhales sharply ]

My angel.

Oh, Gabe, Gabe... You're so...
nutty.

You have to talk to
your doctor about this.

[ Exhales sharply ]

Evil must perish.

[ Grunts ]

[ Dog barking ]

[ Siren wailing ]

[ Police radio chatter ]

Did you see anyone else?

Uh, no, sir, just
the two men, sir.

Was there a Mrs. lake?

Yes, sir.

Where is she?

[ Clears throat ]

Perhaps at her apartment, sir.

She often comes and
goes without notice.

Is there anything else you
think we should know?

No, I don't think so, sir.

There is one thing.

I don't know if this makes any
difference, but the young guy

was wearing a crude sports coat.

How so?

It was a most
disagreeable plaid.

Have fun.

[ Exhales sharply ]

Let's go.

[ Electricity zapping ]

[ Liquid bubbling ]

[ Power surges ]

Hmm.

Be careful, doc.

You don't want to mess it up.

That's it.

Can you hear me, buster?

Are you awake?

Dr. boiffard?

What happened?

I -- the last thing I can
remember, I was shot.

I was shot.

Just be calm. Just be calm.

You have a lot of adjusting
to crept and mattress -- they

shot me, and they
left me for dead.

I'm afraid you are
rather dead, buster.

Huh?

But only temporarily.

What's going on?

How can I be here and over
there in that giant Mayo jar?

I have transferred your essence.

Yeah.

My what?

Your being!

And now it's situated in this
body, which I've created out of

a special alloy.

It is practically
maintenance-free!

Get a load of me!

I'm frickin' pink!

It's just the casting.

It's only temporary.

Oh, doc, I'm pink.

Why not black or silver?

You see, your body
will be frozen.

And then, when I have time, I
will clone several patches.

Soon you will have the
body of a 25-year-old man.

Yeah, uh, and my
brain in a machine.

The essence!

It's the essence.

Hey, uh, tell me this --
this stuff here -- [ Metal

[ clanging ] -- Is
it, uh, bulletproof?

Oh, uh, certainly, but it
really doesn't matter.

When your life force has
been transplanted into your

artificial brain,
you can never die.

Of course, it's only temporary.

Yeah, um, how come you
keep saying that?

Uh-oh. He lost a leg.

You know what that's like.

Well, well, look what
the cat dragged in.

Don't say a word.

It's been a bad night.

You're working kind of late.

Well, you know, try to
impress the bosses.

Oh, I have such an itch.

Got any messages?

Nope, no messages.

Come on, you guys.

Tell me what happened.

Sometimes it feels good to
get things off your chest.

Well, Mr. lake is dead.

Which we'll probably
get blamed for.

[ Clears throat ]

And we were shot at and
thrown into a pool.

Mnh.

Ran out of gas on the
way back to the office.

Well, do you guys know
who the killer is?

Not hardly.

Well, what about Mrs. lake?

She's a client.

She's innocent.

Maybe, maybe not.

Thank you, kid.

Thanks. [ Chuckles ]

Your bra bothering you?

Bills.

Hey, marete, call Mrs. lake.

Tell her we'll be right there.

Don't tell her about
her husband, okay?

You got it.

She's always cinching that rig.

Hey, why don't you
take it easy on her?

She's just a kid.

What are you looking for?

The evidence.

What evidence?

The -- you know, the fabric I
took from the windowsill, from

the leopard guy.

That'll never hold up in court.

Here, but I got his will.

This will --

[ knock on wall ]

No one answers at Mrs.
lake's apartment.

We better get over there.

[ Grunting, beeping ]

Got you!

[ Grunting, beeping ]

[ Elevator dings ]

Come on.

[ Knock on door ]

[ Knock on door ]

Hi!

[ Sighs ]

You always leave your
door open, sister?

You assured me my husband

wouldn't come here,
and I trusted you.

Yeah, well, that's
why we came here.

[ Sighs ]

Somebody found him.

Judging by the look on his face,

he ain't going anywhere anymore.

You mean...?

Toes up, fertilizing the lawn,
partying with the worms,

uh, no longer with us.

You mean he's...?

Both: Dead.

[ Gasps ]

How?

Well, we were hoping
maybe you could help us.

You got any ideas?

No. I have no ideas at all.

And there was this
-- this cat guy.

What?

You ever see a guy on your
property with a leopard outfit?

No.

Did my husband suffer?

[ Chuckles ]

Big time.

I guarantee he suffered.

Unfortunately, when the time
of death is established by the

cops and your Butler finishes
flapping his jaws, mattress and

me are gonna be made as
two snappy suspects.

So now we got to avoid any
badges 'cause it's being played

out that we've been set up to be

caught over a stiff
looking guilty.

See what I'm getting at?

Maybe if you talked slower.

Did you set us up, Mrs. lake?

Why, no, of course not.

I've been straight
with you boys.

You've been here all evening?

Yes.

Good.

Then we can stay friendly.

I'd like that.

What?

That we stay friendly.

Come on. Let's blow.

And another thing, uh...
What's that?

Just out of curiosity,
why the lps?

Why not cds?

I've got a thing for vinyl.

Come on.

Dagnabbit.

Come on!

[ Sighs ]

[ Door closes ]

Man, that Mrs. lake is a looker.

If I was the marrying kind, I'd
cheat on my wife with her.

You're hopeless, kid.

[ Grunting ]

Hey! [ Gasps ]

Ugh!

[ Groaning ]

What is this?!

What do you want?!

I'm gonna tear you into
a thousand pieces!

Who are you?

Buster Lloyd!

Nah, it's not -- you
can't be buster.

It's -- yeah, it's me!

I'm the one who figured you two!

Geez.

But we shot you.

You're a figment of
your own imagination.

What, you never seen
a robot before?

Not a pink one.

Huh?

Ugh!

[ Electricity zapping ]

[ Groaning ]

[ Whirring ]

[ Tires screeching ]

[ Car door opens ]

Oh, boys, boys, boys.

We are a disappointment.

Screw you, hornboy.

We ain't going back.

Yeah.

Well, I just can't let you
skip out on a frolic.

I mean, I thought you'd realize
the terrible mistake you made.

Now you're going to
have to be punished.

I don't think so.

We still got your crystal.

Yeah, you sulfur-stinkin'

fart.

Aah! Aah! Ow!

Ohh! Geez! God darn it!

Unh!

My crystal.

I was thinking maybe you'd
like to return it voluntarily?

We don't have your crystal,
but maybe we can get it.

We're not going back!

Make no mistake of that!

Look, let me handle this, Mike.

We can get your crystal, but
it's gonna take some time.

How much time?

Soon.

[ Chuckling ] Oh, please.

You know I only make deals
with fixed deadlines.

All right, what about a week?

A week?

No, no, no.

I'm much too impatient for that.

No, I think, uh -- I think
midnight... tonight.

What, are you -- are you crazy?

That's not even a full day.

Midnight tomorrow night.

Has your brain melted?

Look, we still got 46
hours to solve the case.

Case?

We're presently employed.

You got a problem with that?

Oh, this is going to be fun.

Look, we got a deal
or not, hot shot?

Oh, why not?

But listen carefully.

If I don't have my crystal in 46
hours, I will personally drag

your bones back to hell and then
skewer you with hot rods, from

your asses to your mouths, and
then slowly flay you over a pit

of burning salt
for 10,000 years.

All right, we got the
picture, tough guy.

But one condition --
you don't butt in.

[ Chuckling ] Oh,
I won't need to.

If eternity has taught me
anything, it's that human beings

are god's biggest muck-up.

You were born defective.

Oh, yeah?

Well, let me tell you something.

I had a couch, a lousy couch --
talk about defective -- and it

was the same color as you.

[ Chuckles ]

46 hours, my time.

Oh, Dean crept, uh, you do
understand that that car bomb

was meant for you, not
for your wife and child.

Hey, forget you, you son
of a thousand bitches!

[ Chuckles ]

A sore loser already.

Oh, tsk, tsk, tsk.

[ Car door closes ]

[ Engine revs ]

[ Tires screech ]

I don't know, deano.

You think we're doing
the right thing?

I mean, uh [Chuckles] 10,000
years being flabméed over a pit

of burning salt -- i-i-i don't

know -- I don't know
if I'm cut out for it.

Don't sweat it, mattress.

We did the right thing.

[ Classical music playing ]

It's a good thing that Martin
and Pete found you when they
did.

You would still be
walking the streets.

[ Mechanical whirring ]

Aw, just hurry up.

[ Grunts ]

What was that?

Oh, that was nothing.

[ Chuckles ] Nothing.

[ Chuckles ]

Aah!

[ Mechanical whirring ]

Ah.

[ Snoring ]

[ Moans lightly ]

You insist on going out in
public, I think you should have

a more pliant face.

[ Both laugh ]

I like it!

[ Snoring ]

[ Door creaks ]

[ Gasps ]

[ Groaning ]

[ Whimpering ]

[ Grunting ]

[ Robot beeping ]

I have no idea where the will
you checked with his lawyer?

So, you inherit everything?

Right, Mrs. lake?

I hope that's what my husband
wanted, but I didn't kill him

for his money, if that's
what you're implying.

[ Grunting ]

Is that a confession, Mrs. lake?

What?

No, Petunia.

It's not a confession.

Mrs. lake, did you
love your husband?

He was my husband.

[ Robot beeping ]

Yes, but did you love him?!

It was more a business
arrangement than a marriage.

We got along.

You have a problem with that?

Perhaps.

[ Fists pounding ]

Excuse me.

I have a couple of questions
to ask you, if that's okay.

Have you seen these two men?

They're drawn from your
Butler's description.

Yes -- last night, if
that means anything.

[ Grunting ]

[ Robot beeping ]

Are you sure?

Of course I am sure -- Mike
mattress and Dean crept.

I hired them to find
my husband's killer.

Was that before or after
your husband was killed?

Mattress and crept are g-men.

They were whacked a month
ago, execution-style.

G-men?

I haven't heard that
term in a while.

Yeah.

And someone planted a bomb in
their car in case they got away.

Well, I guess that
someone flubbed up.

Look, if you don't believe me,

come to my husband's
funeral at noon.

I expect your g-men to be there.

Excuse me.

[ Robot beeps ]

Hey.

What?

Knock off the "Petunia"

business, okay?

My pleasure, sweet pea.

Ow!

[ Chuckles ]

Hey, you know, that
is sexual harassment.

File a report.

[ Praying indistinctly ]

You went to prep
school, didn't you?

That's right.

Ah.

I wish my dad could have
afforded that for me -- all
boys.

Oh, those prep schools.

[ Exhales sharply ]

What were the showers like?

Were they communal?

My god, you are depraved.

[ Tires screech ]

Damn.

They're still alive.

Who is?

Our g-men.

It's them, sir.

They killed Mr. lake.

Thank you, but we have
everything under control.

Thank you, sir.

We need to talk.

Lieutenant Langdon,
snap city police.

It's okay. We're family.

With names like Dean crept and
Mike mattress, I find that

highly doubtful.

So, what do you want from us?

FBI database shows us that
you two have been murdered.

Well, your computer must have
one of those bad viruses.

What do you want to do,
arrest us for being alive?

Cut the crap.

I have an eyewitness that saw
you both murder Mr. lake.

Yeah, well, your witness must
have one of them viruses, okay?

You're batting .1000, bub.

We think it's maybe a guy in a
cheetah outfit that did it.

Yeah, like in a
Halloween costume.

I'm >> not gonna take you in
right now, but I want to warn

you to stay away
from the lake case.

Mr. lake was involved in things
you don't even want to know.

That's all fine and dandy,
but we work for Mrs. lake.

Oh, really?

Did she pay you to
kill her husband?

Maybe I can answer his question.

There's a killer out there,
and I need protection.

That's supposed to
be our job, ma'am.

Yes, I know.

I think we all better
take a ride downtown.

Don't mind him.

Hey, look, do you mind if we
go have a little talk, minus

Poindexter over here, hmm?

Sure.

Hello, Mrs. lake.

Look, we got a real
important deadline to keep.

We got an appointment with
a real influential person.

Who?

Look, it's just best
that we don't say, okay?

If you know what I mean.

The point is, we got
to make that deadline.

If we don't, we're gonna be in a
hell of a lot more trouble than

getting locked up.

He's telling you the truth.

Now, all we need is till
midnight tomorrow night to wrap

up the case, all right?

Now, we'll either deliver the

perp, or you can take
us into custody.

It's midnight tomorrow.

That's 37 hours.

Hey, Dean.

What?

Your family.

We'll be at the old church on

acacia street, midnight
tomorrow night.

I swear on the grave of
my wife and my daughter.

[ Birds chirping ]

Find anything yet?

Nah.

Are there any other places
where he hides documents?

I wouldn't know.

The police opened his safe
deposit box this morning, but

found only cash.

I don't know why he'd keep
copies of his will, anyway.

He was always changing it.

Uh-huh.

How's your friend?

Mike?

Uh, he, uh, never seen
their graves before.

Why not?

Well, their bodies were,
uh, cremated in the blast.

There was nothing left to bury.

Ohh.

Hey, deano, don't you
think you've had enough?

They put those graves
there on purpose, Mike.

Crept, they're dead.

Yeah.

So are we.

Jesus.

Now look what you did.

Hey, deano, you're bleeding.

You know what that means, huh?

Does that look like a
dead man's hand to you?

Would you get out of here?

Look, I don't know if it's the
good deeds, but all I do know is

that we got to solve this case,

or else we're gonna
be screwed for good.

They're dead because of me,
Mike, because of me and the scum

I associate with.

I got to live with
that down there.

I just can't take it anymore.

I'm going back where I belong.

I want to cut a deal
with that bastard.

Don't give in to him, okay?

That is exactly what he wants.

I'll give him his
crystal back...

If he gives you back
your life to live.

We're partners.

Not on this, kid.

I'm finished.

Anybody I ever
loved, I destroyed.

Now I got to live with it.

Hey, you didn't plant
that car bomb, okay?

Some sick creep did, and that's
what we're fighting against.

But it was meant for me.

It was meant for us.

Deano, that part of
our life is over.

It's buried.

[ Crickets chirping ]

What's going on?

I'm not so sure.

Listen, if you don't hear from
us, meet us at the old church on

acacia street, 12:00
tomorrow night.

[ Engine turns over ]

[ Tires screech ]

[ Crickets chirping ]

Cloven-footed "bee-ab-zabub"

bastard.

Y-you hear me, huh, you
lobster-faced, horn-headed,

sulfur-breathing, cow licker?!

Dean, come on.

Don't tempt him.

Huh?

You want to barbecue me
for a thousand years?!

Come on!

You're gonna regret
this in the morning.

Let's do it! I'm ready to go!

Come on. Come on.

Let go of me!

Hey! You owe me, all right?

Let go of me.

We got to solve this case,
and we got to do good deeds!

I don't owe you
nothing, all right?

This is between me and him.

You hear me?

Between me and him!

I don't want to do this!

[ Exhales sharply ]

See, I don't like
to do that ever.

[ Sighs ]

You're gonna get a little sleep.

You're gonna rest up, and then
we're gonna solve the case.

We got to work on the
case, all right?

Come on, deano. I'm serious.

[ Engine shuts off ]

[ Car door opens ]

Hello? Anybody here?

Hmm.

Fresh grave.

Come on. Let's dig in.

Ohh!

Ugh! Ohh!

[ Crickets chirping ]

[ Shovel plunges ]

Shh! You hear something?

Ah. Nothing.

Okay, back to work.

You know, if you gave me
a hand, I think we could

accomplish this a lot quicker.

[ Grunts ]

[ Exhales sharply ] There it is.

Come on. Let's get it open.

[ Fabric tearing ]

Oh, damn! I split my pants!

Wh-where the hell am I?

Hey, shh! Shh.

We're on a stakeout, okay?

Shh.

Let go of me.

Shh!

How long I been out?

Awhile. It's almost light.

Ah. Looks like it's clear.

Come on.

Look.

He's taking lake's body.

You don't look bad
for a dead man.

Come on. [ Grunts ]

Come on. Let's go. Let's go.

Come on, you freak.

Help me out.

Come on.

Hang on just a second, mattress.

Slow. Yeah. That's it.

[ Body thuds ]

I'm coming home.

Hurry.

[ Engine turns over ]

Mike, let's go solve this case.

[ Engine turns over ]

[ Tires screech ]

[ Mid-tempo jazz music playing ]

[ Tires screeching ]

[ Power surges ]

Oh, this is terrible, terrible.

I hope we got him in time.

♪ I'm in a good mood ♪

♪ I'm not gonna be rude ♪

♪ 'cause I'm gonna get
some legs today ♪

♪ I want some -- ♪

Ohh, man! Watch it, will you?!

If only we had more
bodies to work on.

Then our research would
be much farther along.

Yes, that, and more money, too.

Bodies and money.

Do you realize if this works,
this man, who ridiculed us, this

man who has no vision,
will benefit...

He's talking to a puppet.

...from the very science
he turned his back on?

[ Both laugh ]

Are you ready?

This really is a... [ Laughs ]

What the...?

Wha-- whoa!

Ohh!

Ugh!

Ah!

[ Glass breaking ]

[ Coughs ]

Bodies falling from heaven.

I don't believe it.

[ Chuckles ]

We're not from heaven, pal.

Actually, we're from hell.

And you're Dr. boiffard, the
ex-coroner, the guy responsible

for all these human-cloning
experiments.

You're under arrest, doc.

For what?

Dirty test tubes?

Try grave-robbing.

Ha! Ridiculous.

Oh, yeah?

Puppet boy here stole Mr. lake's
body, destroyed public and

private property, went through
four stop lights, and violated

city speed limits.

Then he led us right
to you, the boss.

You're under arrest, chump.

Hey, who you calling a puppet?

Back off, Pinocchio.

We'll fix what we
broke, flatfoot.

Oh, yeah?

You gonna return Mr.
lake's body, huh?

Ow! Hey!

Damn it, stop it!

Mr. lake has donated
his body to science.

Suppose you got
documentation of that, huh?

I suggest you check his will.

I'd love to, but
it's been dissolved.

Huh?

What?

The water damage.

Can't read a single word.

[ Both laugh ]

Ironic, isn't it?

These two dopes have
destroyed Mr. lake's will.

I suppose that means we've
lost our golden parachute.

[ Chuckles ]

His wife inherits everything.

[ Both laugh ]

So, you killed Mr.
lake for the money?

I'm a doctor!

I don't kill people!

I extend life!

I bring souls back to life!

Whatever, chump.

[ Laughs maniacally ]

[ Mechanical whirring ]

I'm gonna eat your eyes out!

Oh, look at robby the robot.

Doesn't he look pretty in pink?

Yeah, all the girls in lockup

are gonna love a
pretty pink plaything.

No! No!

Not in here!

[ Laughs maniacally ]

[ Gunshots ]

I'm invincible! Ha ha!

Ah! I'll rip you guys apart.

And this guy -- I'll
make sure you stay dead.

You planted that car bomb,
didn't you, buster?

You killed my wife and my kid.

[ Laughing ]

Aim for his eyes, Mike!

My body!

Ah! Ah!

Can't you do something, doc?

Oh, I'm afraid that's
impossible now!

Oh, no!

You're destroying my laboratory!

Damn you and your damn lab!

Hey, watch your mouth, tin man!

[ Groans ]

[ Growling ]

No! No! Not him!

Them!

Get back here!

Aah! Aah! Aah!

Aah!

[ Grunting ]

Ohh!

[ Gasps ]

Ugh!

[ Exhales sharply ] Nice.

Ugh!

Dr. boiffard.

I told you it was
only temporary.

Please help me.

Ohh!

Aah!

Whoa!

What the -- [
electricity zapping ]

Unh! Please!

All right, listen up, bub.

We ain't got much time.

Now, where's the leopard man

that killed greydon lake, Dr.
boiffard?

Looks more like a cheetah.

What the hell are
you talking about?

And what about buster over here?

He worked for you,
too, didn't no!

Busted worked for Mr.
lake... Yeah.

...who was funding
our experiments!

That's right.

I didn't kill buster or Mr.
lake.

I'm a doctor!

Yeah, a good one, too.

Yeah, well, we killed buster.

We killed the rate twice.

Yes, I know. I was there.

What?

You saw him pull a gun on us.

Yes, from out of the safe.

All right, you got to meet
us at the old church on

acacia street before midnight.

Yeah, we got a meeting with
the -- with the police.

They want us for murdering
lake and Lloyd.

At least you can help
us beat the Lloyd wrap.

Well, perhaps I can.

Catch you later.

Bye-bye, coppers.

Looks like we've
been burgled, kid.

Anything missing?

Not that I can see.

Oh, no!

What?

Oh, I put the crystal
in the cactus.

It's gone.

You did what?

You said, you know, put it
where no one will touch it.

I didn't think anybody would
be stupid enough to go poking

around in a cactus.

Well, it's definitely missing.

We got two hours.

We're dead meat.

Not so fast.

[ Exhales sharply ]

That's the leopard guy.

Could be.

Maybe.

There you go, my
friend, right as rain.

[ Chuckles ]

Here you go, crabby.

Ah, you're a good man, Lester.

You're a good man.

Keep the change.

Oh, appreciate it.

Hang tight for a second,
will you, my friend?

What are you doing?

What's the problem?

Ain't got a government
seal of approval.

Huh?

It ain't got the thread.

What you got there is
counterfeit money, my friend.

And I know just the
guys who suckered me.

That means that the leopard's

been working for the
devil the whole time.

I thought you said the
devil wouldn't interfere.

Wise up, kid. He lied.

He's the devil.

He ain't got no scruples.

Well, if he thinks he's gonna
send us back to hell, I'm just

gonna tell him, "no way, Jose."

You got it.

The way I figure it, if the
devil got the crystal back by

cheating, then we still got a
chance of staying here on earth.

Come on.

Hey!

What the -- aah!

Ohh! Ohh! Ohh!

Well, well, things are
starting to look up.

Give us back the crystal.

The what?

Quit stalling and
do like he says.

I don't know what
you're talking about.

Really, I -- you gonna tell
me this didn't come from you?

That's polyester.

I-i only wear natural fibers.

He's right, kid.

Take the heat off him.

[ Breathing heavily ]

[ Fabric tearing ]

So, you gonna tell us why
you whacked lake, huh?

Ohh!

Huh?!

I-i-i didn't whack anyone.

You were there.

If you didn't do it,
then you saw who did.

I'm afraid that I
arrived too late.

Well, what do you know, huh?

Well, I... I know that
evil must perish.

All right, that's it,
you feline punk.

Mattress, get the tool kit.

Tool kit?

Yeah.

Hey, hey, hey, hold on.

Hold on. Look, you guys -- look,

look, we're on the
same team, okay?

I mean, I only fight
for good, not evil.

What makes you think we're
not the evilest mothers that

ever lived, huh?

All right, now, listen.

Time's up, leopard boy.

What do you know?

I'm cheetah man.

Yeah, right.

Okay.

[ Groans ]

[ Metal clangs ]

Shoot.

Hey, Lester, um, what
are you doing here?

Rent's not due for
another three weeks.

This is funny money!

What?

Buster's money must
have been counterfeit.

Gosh darn buster.

Look, uh, this has just
been a big mistake.

Hey, it's no problem, pal.

We'll get you clean
money tomorrow.

Yeah, I don't think tomorrow's
gonna be soon enough.

By that time, I think it's
gonna be a little too late.

Ah!

[ Grunting ]

Grab his arm!

Aah!

Ugh! Ugh!

Ohh! Ohh!

Get him over here!

[ Speaking indistinctly ]

[ Glass breaking ]

Ah!

[ Crashing ]

Let's see.

Follow the path
of the righteous!

[ Speaking indistinctly ]

[ Groans ]

Both: Wait!

...scriptures that they shall

take up snakes... Both:
It's weenie man!

...and thy shall be...
He's wearing the crystal.

...that will not bite
or harm you... Unh!

[ Speaking indistinctly ]

Ah!

Aah! Unh! Unh!

Yeah, marete.

Midnight. The acacia church.

Run.

[ Breathing heavily ]

Why am I doing this?

Why?

Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?

[ Shouting indistinctly ]

[ Groaning ]

Shut up!

[ Crickets chirping ]

♪ Bringing in the sheaves ♪

♪ bringing in the sheaves ♪

♪ we shall come rejoicing ♪

♪ bringing in the sheaves ♪

Hey! Hey!

Hey, what are you doing?!

What are you doing?!

Do you know who the hell I am?!

I'm the reverend winiford!

I got friends in
high places, high!

You mean in very low places,
don't you, weenie man?

Hey! Hey!

Step away from the car!

Hey, weenie man.

So, uh, when did the
devil let you out, huh?

He didn't.

But I figured if two morons
like you can do it, so can I.

Yeah.

Sure looks like you're doing

real well for
yourself, weenie man.

As a matter of fact, I thought
maybe I'd help you redecorate.

No!

Oh, please!

You know, it's great to see a
guy really appreciate the finer

things in life, you know?

No! No!

That's not necessary. Oh!

Oh! No!

Oh, my insurance isn't
gonna cover that!

Oh! Why? Why?

[ Groans ]

My, my, my, what a nice suit.

Yeah. Yeah.

It's a servace special.

Hey! Hey! Hey!

[ Groans ]

You guys are gonna pay for this!

Give us the crystal, weenie man!

[ Fire crackling ]

No, no.

Hey, you're not cutting
out on us this time.

No! No more!

You better give it
up, weenie man.

Yeah, get out of
there, weenie man.

Hey, no! Hey, don't!

He swallowed the crystal.

Uh, looks like he's froze solid.

Well, we'll give
him to the devil.

He'll thaw him out.

Yeah. Be careful.

He might shatter.

[ Groaning ]

How much time we got, kid?

Two minutes to go.

It's that puss-bucket sarcoph

just trying to cheat
us out of time.

All right, hold on.

[ Tires screech ]

[ Groaning ]

Hey! Shut it!

1:30.

All right, big Ben.

[ Tires screech ]

[ Bell chiming ]

[ Groaning ]

I hope to god you got an
explanation for this.

Where's the chief?

You're looking at him.

It's my case now.

Lieutenant Langdon has been
suspended for conduct unbecoming

a snap city police officer.

And your prints were all over

greydon lake's safe and
buster's apartment.

So I'm taking you both in.

Yeah, I get the picture.

Do yourself a favor, worm.

Stay out of my face.

You want an explanation, huh?

Sit down and listen up.

All right, I see that
everybody's here.

Thanks for coming, Dr. boiffard.

I figured the police would be
looking greydon lake's murderer.

I wanted to dispel any
indication that I was involved.

Actually, we have every
reason to suspect you, doc.

Mr. lake -- he was funding
your experiments.

Then he gave you the brush-off,
fired you, but you knew that,

according to his will, you stood
to collect a cool $15 mil.

Now, you can buy a lot of
tongue depressors with $15 mil.

There was no will.

Lake died intestate.

The will was all wet, dissolved.

Well, then it's impossible to
prove that boiffard stood to

gain anything from
lake's estate.

So there goes your motive.

Except for -- of
course -- revenge!

Cool it, Sherlock.

Dr. boiffard didn't kill lake.

Hiya, gorgeous.

Hi.

Now, our client over here --
Gloria lake -- now, she had

several motives for
killing her husband.

First, she inherits the
balance of the estate.

She dumps her abusive hubby and

saves herself a
fortune on Viagra.

Don't blame her for
marrying the wrong guy.

She was young.

Well, lake had a motive
for killing her, too.

Mrs. lake was getting close to

discovering his
counterfeit operations.

And lake was kind of an
old-fashioned kind of a guy.

He didn't like witnesses.

Yeah, we were getting
close to lake.

He was laundering the funny
money through boiffard's

operation, although boiffard
-- he didn't even know it.

It was buster Lloyd
who was the beard.

Buster Lloyd worked for lake.

So, buster murdered Mr. lake!

Would you sit down?!

Actually, we killed buster
-- in self-defense.

Buster tried to kill us.

No, deano.

Buster did kill us.

He arranged our assassination.

You see, we were getting close.

Lake had hired buster to frame

us, and then he
killed my family.

And he set us up on a phony tip.

So, Mrs. lake did it!

What?

Murdered her husband!

She was in her apartment
the whole time!

Can you prove it?

We don't need to.

Well, maybe the two of you

did it or your
so-called leopard man.

His name is cheetah man.

Evil must perish.

No, it wasn't him.

We thought it could have been.

He was there, but it wasn't.

Yeah, first of all, cheetah
man didn't have any

blood on his suit, and believe
me, Mr. lake sprayed a lot of

bodily fluids.

[ Chuckles ]

But secondly, cheetah man didn't
run till Mike pulled his gun.

Next thing you're gonna tell
me is that the Butler did it.

I've had just about enough.

No, no, I don't think you've
even begun to listen.

Now, why don't you
just sit down?

All right, the murderer was...

Martin.

How do you know?

The stitching found on lake's
eyes wasn't a surgical stitch.

Dr. boiffard couldn't have
done but it matches...

The stitching used
to repair a puppet!

But -- sorry, Martin.

You were both puppets for
boiffard, weren't you, huh?

[ Stammers ]

Hey, what do you have
to say, Pete, huh?

No!

Where's petey now, huh?

Huh? Where is he?

Hey, you ain't gonna
find me in there.

What the...?

Dr. boiffard -- he had nothing
to do with Mr. lake's death.

Doesn't anybody
stay dead anymore?

Who the hell is he?

My husband, greydon lake.

Unh-unh, unh-unh.

No, no, no, not anymore.

I didn't ask Pete or
Martin to kill anyone.

You can't arrest Dr. boiffard.

This man's a Saint.

This man's my savior.

Oh, my first essence transfer.

A poor boy living on the
street, no living relatives.

They brought in his
body to the morgue.

It was hit-and-run.

Let me see if I got
this straight, doc.

Now, you took Pete's essence and
transferred it into a puppet?

A puppet was all I had.

Fresh bodies are hard to come
what happened to the boy's

corpse, the one you stole?

Pete's?

Well, I saved Pete from
death, but it was early in my

experiments, and the
cloning failed.

I-i waited two years
for a new body.

[ Chuckles ]

So, boiffard sent you to kill

lake for a fresh
body and the money?

No, no, no.

I'm a doctor.

I killed lake to help myself.

See, if I got to him before he

changed his will,
then I had a chance.

Doc could finish his
experiments, and i-I'd have a
new body.

But mattress and crept showed up
just before I could stuff lake

into the sack.

[ Sighs ]

You're under arrest, Pete.

Take them away, junior achiever.

Let's go.

Hey!

Hey -- hey!

[ Squeals ]

Okay, now, don't
make me kill her.

Don't be a sap.

When we get to the airport,
I'll release Mrs. lake.

Stand back, all you guys.

Damn you, lake.

Stay back.

If you hurt her, I
will hunt you down.

I will never give up!

You'll have the devil to pay!

Did somebody say the "d"

word?

[ Gasp ]

[ Laughs ]

Hey, butt out, will you?

Halloween's over.

Peter, Peter, Peter, for
me, Halloween never ends.

Hey, hey, w-w-wait
a minute, now.

You two make such a nice
couple, but as we say, till

death do you part.

Mrs. lake -- hey, w-wait
a minute n-n-now.

It's not what you think.

Aah! Aah!

It never is.

Now, where's my crystal?

Uh-oh.

Forgive me if I don't come any
closer, but churches always

make me feel a bit uneasy.

All right, you've
solved your case.

I'll Grant you that.

But do you have my crystal?

[ Groaning ]

Both: Ask him.

Uh... Winiford?

Ugh!

Yes, oh, most unholy one?

Don't look at me like that.

Hmm.

No. It's -- it's them!

It's the g-men!

They were the ones who
tricked me into taking the

crystal, but I caught them,
and I got your crystal back.

And where might it
be now, winiford?

Uh... I ate it.

For safe keeping.

They were only gonna trick me.

And take the crystal away.

[ Groans ]

Ugh!

Ugh!

Together: Ohh.

Yeesh. Ugh.

Lying is bad, but
sealing is worse.

Well, I take it, uh,
you're ready to go home.

Like I said, we
ain't going back.

No way, Jose.

But you don't belong here.

Oh, yeah?

Well, that's a matter
of opinion, bub.

Now, we had a deal.

You got your crystal back.

Now scram.

Oh, Dean crept, what about
your wife and child?

I mean, don't you
want to join them?

They don't live in your
neighborhood, chump.

But life without them?

I'll see them soon enough.

Don't you worry your horny
little head about it.

[ Chuckling ] You don't think
you can really fit in here by --

by doing good deeds, do you?

At least we can try.

Yeah. Who knows?

Maybe eventually, uh,
we'll get it right.

All right. All right.

Have it your way.

But when you don't [Laughs
[evilly] I'll be waiting.

Tsk. Tsk. Tsk.

[ Footsteps approaching ]

[ Sighs ]

What's the matter, kid?

I don't know.

I just feel like, uh, once we
solved the case, a bolt of

lightning would come up
and send us to heaven.

That isn't how it works.

You got to do more than just
solve crimes to get into heaven.

You got to always
do good things.

How the hell does he do that?

[ Sighs ]

How we gonna know how
to do a good deed?

You did something good for
well, yeah, but you hired us.

I mean, that doesn't count.

Yeah, but if you do something
nice for someone, it doesn't

matter if you're paid or not.

Yeah, it matters.

And how we gonna know when
we've done a good deed?

I know how.

Yeah? What's that?

Well, you can give a girl a
ride home, for starters.

Here you go, kid.

I've got my own wheels.

Catch you later.

Catch you later, kid.

Come on, Mrs. lake.

Nice car.

Hey, buddy.

Do you want a Rolls-Royce?

Help yourself.

Gee.

Wow-wee!

Uh, you know, there's
something you should know.

What's that?

I love, uh, bowling.

No kidding.

I was league champion
in high school.

Well, uh [Chuckles] you think
there are any, uh, alleys open?

I'm sure there are.

[ Engine turns over ]

Can I ask you a question?

Yeah. Sure.

Was that the real devil?

I'll tell you what, kid.

Why don't you let me buy you a
cup of coffee, and I'll tell you

the whole story, hmm?

It's a story about two g-men...
[ Indistinct speaking ]

Yeah?

Yeah.

[ Chuckles ]