Funny Valentine (2005) - full transcript

(fire roars)

(bell rings)

- Relationships.

Let me tell ya about relationships.

Picture, if you will,

a woman of unrelenting magnificence,

a femme fatale, a goddess,

her legs, her lips, her eyes,

oh, her stockings, mm.

See her wispy, sumptuous,

delectable, delightful.



(Sean laughs)

That, my friends, is a
New York City supper girl.

- [Tim] What does Professor
Sean always tell us?

- He always tells us
that women are like food,

- They're finger-licking good.

- To this day, I don't understand

the women equals food analogy.

What does that, what does that mean?

- Sean, enlighten the lad.

- Look, I say brunch, you think?

- [Josh] Eggs Benedict.

- [Sean] My point exactly, Josh.

- [Josh] Okay, so women
are like Eggs Benedict.

- [Sean] How often do you
make Eggs Benedict at home?



- Never.

- Exactly, therefore
you're thinking restaurant,

probably a cozy but upscale
meal at a trendy little place.

- [Tim] He's brilliant.

He operates on a whole other plane.

- [Sean] Now just go one step further.

What kind of a girl do you picture

sharing this brunch with you?

- Anyone that would have me.

- Come on.

- Stretch your imagination.

- [Josh] I don't know,
like a blondish woman,

like my age, jeans and
a nice form-fitting top.

- [Sean] In other words,
like she just fell off

an episode of Friends.

- [Josh] Okay, that would be good.

- [Sean] I rest my case, see?

- [Josh] No.

- By thinking brunch, you
described a certain type of woman.

And we can play with that model.

Picture that same girl snorfing
down a McSnausage sandwich

on an early morning road
trip to go rock climbing.

It doesn't work.

And what if I said breakfast girl,

then I would mean a real
eat-a-stack-of-them type of gal,

and you'd picture another kind altogether.

I think it's time for
practical application.

- [Josh] Okay.

- Here we are at the Soho Grand,

(glasses clink)

the downtown Mecca for hip.

In here, life is beautiful.

Women are everywhere.

Now I want you to take a look around

and really ask yourself what is she?

- Uh--

- What about that one?

- Dinner girl.

- Right, which warns you
to take it nice and easy.

She likes things to be proper.

The opening line has got

to be romantic and worldly but honest.

I would suggest James Taylor.

You could use anything on the Motown label

or Rodgers and Hart.

- [Tim] Okay, your turn.

That one.

- In the plum?

(Tim grunts)

Why do you insult me?

She's a brunch girl.

She enjoys the finer things

but not conspicuously so, sex included.

The opener's got to be
witty but not uptight.

Next?

(Josh sighs)

- [Josh] Okay, I think
this is very stupid,

and I'm actually very hungry.

Pass the nuts.

- Stop stalling.

(Sean laughs)

- All right, the, uh,

the one down there with the black on.

(Sean laughs)

- [Tim] Yeah.

- [Josh] What did I do?

- Well, you've only gone
and picked yourself one

of the toughest chicks to
conquer in this entire place.

(Josh grunts)

She is a supper girl.

- [Josh] Okay, well there you have it.

I'm an overachiever.

- Hey, say that after you've popped her.

- But now, if that's the
one he want, we promised.

Do we wanna use Cole Porter?

Do we wanna use Irving Berlin?

Ah!

I've got it.

You got to see.

You'd be so easy to love.

(funky music)

♫ What was that

- Relationships?

Everybody makes such a big deal about 'em.

You want to know the truth?

You got to be a modern-day Jesse James.

You got to get in and out
before you get caught.

Yeah, no doubt.

But hey, that's what Josh wants.

He wants to get hooked up.

He wants for keeps.

And if his skills are a
little, okay, non-existent,

it's not a problem.

That's why you got guys
like us to help him out.

I mean, hey, that's what
friends are for, right?

♫ Do you like what you see

♫ Do you like what you hear.

- All right, all right, all right,

so the meal analysis method
doesn't work for you yet,

but that's part and parcel
what's your problem.

- Which problem is that?

When she slapped me in my face
'cause of something you said,

or went home with Sean
'cause of something he says?

- Neither, we're talkin'
about your underlying problem,

don't doubt.

- What are you, my analyst?

- See, analyst, tsk tsk,

you're downgrading the
merchandise prior to the sale.

- Selling?

Looks more like buying to me.

- Exactly, that's the
beauty of this place,

commerce, plain and simple, baby.

- How romantic!

- Romance is just a line
of bullshit, a sales pitch.

In here, you don't need it.

This is the perfect place

to practice your technique, your close.

- It looks like an expensive lesson.

- Let me tell you something.

It costs about as much in
here as it does out there.

What do you think a date is?

- Gee, a chance to get to know someone.

- It's a negotiation.

Even in my job, you don't think
I court potential clients?

- Yeah, but that's different, man.

- Yeah, at least a buyer's
in the market for somethin'.

A woman would just as easily
settle for a warm bath.

- And not a cold shower?

- See, your position has
to be one of non-committal,

maybe yes, maybe no, no big deal.

- Hi.

Want a lap dance?

- [Tim] What's your name, sweetheart?

- [Evangelika] Evangelika.

- Oh how comforting!

That's my mother's name.

- Really?

- Well, she just don't strip
nights at the Rotary Club,

but that's not the point.

This here's my friend.

- Did I say something wrong?

(wind hisses)

(upbeat music)

- Rise and shine, the king has arrived.

I see you survived last night.

- Ha ha, likewise.

- I'm starving.

- Me too.

Sweetheart, we're just gonna settle down

at our regular spot.

- Not my headache today.

See, case in point, with
your nose always in a book,

you broadcast unaccessible to men.

- Good, 'cause I am.

- What if Mr. Right walks in?

- In this place?

- It could happen.

- Well, if it does, and he does,

like that breed even exists, guess what.

He's all yours.

- Well, in the meantime,
table three is all yours

and filled with more of our local color.

(Doreen sighs)

- Hi, I'm Doreen.

Can I take your order?

(upbeat music)

- And so much more.

- It's my fantasy, a beautiful
woman standing over me

asking to take my orders.

(whip slaps)

- Who said there isn't a god?

- Not I, I'm lookin' at her.

- I'm sorry, did you say isn't
a god, or a couple of clods?

- Oh, and she's clever too.

You got to like that in a woman.

- Guys, let's try again.

Can I get you something on the menu?

- Allow me to clear a
place for you to sit.

(Sean laughs)

- Listen, Heckle and Jeckle,
select an item on the menu,

and I'll serve it.

That's it.

- So panty swappin' is out?

- Think twice before you say no,

he's got a tremendous collection.

(Doreen scoffs)

- Tell me fellas, are you this obnoxious

to all the waitresses, or
is it just because I'm new?

- We're just gettin' started.

- Wait 'til we actually order.

- Speaking of which--

- The sandwich?

- No, I'll do a cheese omelet with fries.

- [Doreen] With plenty
of ketchup, I'll bet.

- She's got your number.

- Oh, she has.

- [Doreen] And you?

- Wouldn't you like to guess?

- It's too tempting.

- Oh well, then I'll have
the mesclun with walnut salad

and a Champagne Bellini,
served with fresh peach nectar.

- Yeah, it figures.

- And two coffees.

- Ta-ta!

- Wow, I think I'm in lust.

- Josh is the one we're
fixing up, remember.

- Forget it, I ain't sharing.

- Heaven must be missing an angel.

♫ Shake, shake, shake

♫ Shake, shake, shake

(Sean laughs)

Where were we?

- Droolin' over the waitress
and givin' up on Josh.

- There's an idea for you,
Josh and the waitress.

(both laugh)

Speaking of which.

- Ah, come here.

I think I want this one.

Come here, sweet cheeks, gimme that ass!

- Watch it, I'll cane ya!

Get away from me!

- [Tim] Care to join us at the hip.

- Not really.
- You're a sick man.

(Doreen grunts)
- Thank you.

Just do me a favor and
promise me one thing.

- What's that?

- Don't poof, disappear like
you did the other night.

- Very funny.

- [Sean] What happened?

- I don't know, I just--

- Oh no, they're multiplying.

- You're going to miss us when we're gone.

- I could put your theory to the test.

- Josh, I'd like to
introduce you to Doreen,

my current S trainer who
also sidelines as a waitress.

- Do you know what you want?

- Uh, no.

- [Sean] Speak up.

- [Tim] Tell her what you want,

- [Sean] Tell her what's
on your mind, Hef.

- Yeah, quick, show her your nuts.

(Tim moans)

(Sean laughs)

- See, he can do charming when he wants.

- It's just his confidence.

You got to build his confidence.

(Sean grunts)

- He has trouble with people.

- Crap, he can't handle 'em.

- Do you think we need to
pull out the heavy artillery?

(Tim grunts)

- You mean castration, so
at least it's off his mind.

- Okay, then we have two options.

- [Tim] Bravo, bravo!

- [Sean] Not bad today.

You know, we could see
how you did it from here.

- Yeah, it's up your
sleeve, it's up your sleeve.

- You know, it really
helps to have the both

of you sitting here behind me.

- To keep all the wise
asses from sittin' here.

- No, to be the wise asses sittin' here,

but at least it's asses
I both know and love.

- Hey, not like all that
bare ass, last night.

(Sean laughs)

- Come on, sensitive, I told ya.

I had to leave early.

I just didn't feel okay.

- Hey, hey, hey, don't worry about it.

I'm used to people cuttin' out on me.

- Oh, now I got to be lumped in

with all those ex-girlfriends?

- Don't change the subject.

- Don't worry about me.

- You say that, but then
you're always moping around,

lamenting that you don't have anyone

and that you're lonely.

- And horny.

- Well, maybe, I want
something more than whores

and strippers like you two, okay?

- [Tim] That doesn't leave very much.

- Look, I know you still think

you want something meaningful,
and that's admirable.

It really is.

- It's stupid if you ask me.

- Don't mind him.

He's still bitchin' over Jennifer.

(Tim scoffs)

- Good riddance!

- But you got to understand
this whole singles thing.

- Cheap floozy.

- It's a game of chance.

You may win, you may lose,
but you got to roll the dice.

It's like the old song says.

♫ Luck, if you've ever
been a lady to begin with

- Do me a favor, stop
singing, stop singing, okay?

Now I love you both dearly,

and I really appreciate
all you've done, okay,

but most women are just not--

- Friendly?

- Stacked?

- Rich?

- Double-jointed?

- No, I don't know,
they're just not the one.

It sounds cliche and corny,

but somewhere out there,
there's a woman for me

that looks nothing like the two of you.

- Hey, that's a great mantra, man,

but if you don't take action,

and you just wait for
it to fall in your lap--

- Or bed.

- That's all it's gonna be, words.

- So what do you propose I do, huh?

Put a sign up that says, "Put money

"or your single, of-age
daughters in my hat, please."

What do you want?
- Hey, use a flashin' neon,

if you must, hell, a
billboard, if that don't work.

Just put it out there.

- Oh great, hapless, hopeless,
helpless schmuck seeks,

what do you want me to say?

- [Tim] What else did you have in mind,

magicking one up?

Hocus pocus!

- Oh, that was funny.

- I mean, another thing,

what respectable woman
is gonna date a magician?

Oh, have you met my
husband, Josh the Magnifico?

- Hey, wait a minute, what's
the matter with that idea?

- Oh, did little Seany-Weany
think that Mr. Joshy-Woshy

could really do magic to make a woman?

- No, bumbaclot, I'm
talkin' about taking out

an advertisement, a goddamn personal ad.

- A personal ad?

- It sounds sleazy.

I think I like it.

- Good, I got a show to do, goodbye.

- [Sean] You know, I hate to harp.

- [Tim] Then cello a bit.

- [Josh] Did someone say cello?

- [Tim] Yes, cello, how do you do?

- [Josh] Oh just chine, chank you.

- [Sean] Advertising is a proven method.

That's why it's a billion dollar industry.

- Forget it, okay, I will not
take a personal ad out, okay.

I don't want to put myself

through such a humiliating process, man.

- Why?

- Why, why, because first of all,

I have to sit down and write the ad myself

and sell myself like some
freakin' cheap cologne.

And then I'd have to sit down,

sort through half the
freaks in New York City,

only to meet the other half when I go

to dinner with them on the first date.

- We can fix that.

- Sure, just meet 'em for brunch instead.

- No, we'll take the ad out for ya.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, now you lost me.

- Why not?

We'll do it for him.

We'll write the ad for you.

Hell, we're the sales people.

We know the dynamic
qualities of the product.

- [Tim] Yeah, but--

- [Sean] We whittle down the
applicants to a small handful.

- [Tim] Kinda like the king's tasters.

- At that point, Josh
could review the honies

that pass the test.
- No, no, no,

I want no part of this.

Read my lips, no part.

- Okay, okay, all right, fine.

We will meet with the priority candidates.

- Dates, you mean?

- Choose three finalists.

- Tell me, is this based at
all on a swimsuit competition?

- Josh, doesn't have to lift finger

until he meets the three

and picks the one that's right for him.

("My Valentine")

- Too good to be true.

- It's a win-win situation.

- You really serious?

- Yup.

- And you two would do all that work

for your buddy, huh?

- It would be fun.

- It'd be an adventure.

- To tell you the truth,
I've always been kind

of interested in those ads.

- Haven't we all?

- Take the plunge, man.

- And you both promise to back off,

despite my final choice, right?

- Scout's honor.

(Sean laughs)

- Hell, I'll turn in my Yenta membership.

- I know I'm gonna hate myself
for this, but I'll try it.

- It's on!

(bottles clink)

(Tim laughs)

- Yeah!

(bottles clink)

- [Announcer] Stockings so soft, so silky,

they're irresistible.

- [Tim] Yeah, it's all set.

- You sure your buddy knows
what he's got to work with?

- Oh yeah, he lives
for this kind of thing.

You know the type.

Plus the best part of it,

we'll be getting everything
at less than cost.

They're samples.

Yeah, we can work on the ad there, too.

You just have them meet us over there

around quarter to six on Wednesday.

- Round one, baby, all the way live.

- We're going for a kind of gap chic

with a high-end
Euro-Armani-like influence,

just no pastels, okay.

- Of course.

- What do we have so far?

- For the opener, I think
we should go traditional,

single, white male.

- I like it.

- [Josh] Guys, I don't know about this.

- You'll be fine.

- Just relax and trust him
the way you would a doctor.

- Doctor, huh?

(thunder roars)

(electricity buzzes)

- The subject, male, yeah, male,

a rather poor specimen

but definitely the male of the species.

- Hmm, because of his sloping posture

and the beginning signs of
a protruding gut region,

we can surmise he is in his mid-30s.

- Yeah, the 30-something.

- Hmm, put it down, put it down.

- Describe the specimen, please.

- Well, colleague, notice
the large forehead,

which may indicate
increased mental faculties.

- Or retardation.

- Hmm, yes, look at the ears.

- They protrude!

That ear!

- Crooked.

Not very much upper body strength.

- [Both] Almost slovenly.

- [Sean] There's no
ass here, either, look.

- You're right, I think a straight leg.

- [Tailor] You know something,
I know just the thing.

- So where were we?

- Spinning silk and romance.

- Ah, flowers and hope.

- A kiss on the hand.

- A diamond on their finger.

- In other words, snare the
honies in a web of sensitivity.

- [Tim] Ah, that's a sure way

into a woman's panties, every time.

- [Sean] But how do we say
that in 10 words or less?

- Hey, you're in advertising.

- You know what?

This is not me.

- Maybe it's the hair.

- It's not (mumbles).

- Well, try another top.

- Too chi-chi.

- [Sean] Oui oui.

- Down the hall and to the left.

- You're a funny man.

- Hey, funny.

Single white male, 30-somethin' funny.

- [Sean] It's dangerous.

It's like when you ask a
girlfriend of her friend

that she's hooking your
friend up with is hot,

and she answers without missing a beat,

"She's very nice."

- Well, Mr. Wordsmith, see if you can put

a positive spin on it.

- Shama lama ding dong!

Get a look at our valentine now.

- Now that's magic.

- No, it's just an illusion.

♫ It's just an illusion

(funky music)

- Oh yeah.

- Hello, I'm Josh, Josh Dunbar.

Josh Dunbar, Joshua, Josh.

(phone rings)

Hello.

Yeah, this is Josh.

Yes, oh!

(horn squeaks)

This is Just Joshin', yes.

Hi, Mrs. Shriver, how are you?

Good, no, I got your message, yeah.

We're gearing up for little
Jeffrey's birthday party,

right, on Saturday at 2:45?

That's right, no, I didn't forget.

I have the information.

No, I don't need the address.

I have it.

Okay, thank you.

I'll see you then.

Okay, bye bye.

(horn squeaks)

(quirky piano music)

(kids laugh)

(kids gasp)

- [Boy] It's in your pocket!

- [Boy] Not again!

(kids cheer)

- Hot off the press.

- What am I looking at here?

Hot, lonely, bisexual twins--

- No, no, no, no, no, see, this one.

- Oh.

(Sean chuckles)

Let me be your funny valentine.

Treasure waiting to be discovered.

Homebody, SWM, 30-ish,
with a heart of gold.

Not married, not gay and not into leather.

As far as we know.

Seeks 30-ish SWF, super wonderful--

- [Both] Femme fatale!

- For a lifetime of fireside chats, magic,

laughter, roses and romance.

- What do you think?

(Tim sniffs)

- I think I love you (sniffs)!

Bartender, get this man a drink, please.

Ladies, ladies, have you ever
met such a wonderful man?

Wait, don't answer that.

Let me tell you about the great mileage

and the terrific lease option.

- Hi, the kids really enjoyed your show.

Me?

Oh yeah, I really liked it, too.

I'm a sucker for magic.

I can never figure out how it's done.

♫ The lovers twirl

♫ Around the world

♫ And you can see them

- Here, I'm sure you'll need this.

But you...

Thanks, that's sweet.

- You know, I hired him to
entertain the kids, not you.

- Well, you know, I'm
just a much bigger kid.

♫ Everywhere you go

♫ It doesn't matter

♫ Where you are

♫ You're bound to see them

♫ You're bound to lead them to

♫ A little kiss

♫ In Paris

♫ Or in the streets

♫ Of New York City

- Right, Eddie, right.

(Eddie laughs)

- Yeah, we all know that.

- Yeah, he's mine, all mine.

(Doreen laughs)

- [Eddie] Mom's it, Mom's it!

- Watch out, here I come!

- Now single parenting,
now there is a trick.

(upbeat music)

- [Blonde Waitress] But you
have to at least be open to it.

- [Doreen] Are you kidding me?

Between work, school and raising a child,

I don't have time for men.

- You make time, okay.

Your mind and spirit need
it, not to mention your body.

It's like taking vitamins.

It's good for you.

- Honey, I'd say it's
more like taking medicine.

- You know what?

You can't let one bad
apple spoil the bunch.

- Well, maybe they're
all rotten to the core.

- You know what your trouble is?

You come off too strong.

Okay, men don't like that.

You need to read the book.

It talks all about these things.

- I don't need a book
to tell me my trouble.

I already know.

I am tired of investing time and energy

in the potential of every
loser that comes into my life.

I have spent too many
years validating, crying,

supporting, whatever.

Now I want a little investment in me.

And it doesn't seem that there's any men

that can deliver that.

So if I'm the only one who can, so be it.

I'm willing to invest
in myself and my son.

Call that being strong, sensible, bitchy.

- How 'bout boring and lonely?

- Well, at least it's a sure thing.

Besides, you and I both know
that even if I wanted to date,

I'm practically quarantined with a kid.

- That's just a convenient excuse.

Okay, the rules book will show you.

When there's a will,
there's a way to conquer.

- Conquering is only half the battle.

Getting them to the negotiating table,

getting them to talk openly and honestly,

huh, now there's a feat.

- Okay, that was strong, really strong.

I've been reading about just that,

relationships and how that
even relates to our life goals,

especially as women.

It's like this other book I was reading

on creative visualization.

It says that you need to see it,

whatever it is you want in
your life or relationships.

You know, your life's
like going to a restaurant

and being given a menu.

Okay, you can order whatever you want.

You can make whatever you
want out of your life.

You have all these choices,

and you can even order
dressing on the side.

So order up, today especially,
order what you want.

- So I'm showing the client the rough cut,

and the next thing you know,

we're going at it on the floor.

(Tim hisses)

- You normally say the
best stuff gets lost

to the editing room floor.

- I just hope I didn't
blow the account, you know.

- Commerce, baby.

- You know how women get the next day.

They get weird.

- What were you supposed to do?

Tell her no.

- Exactly.

- Why not?

- Excuse me.

- Yeah, just tell her no, not tonight,

not here, not now, no.

What's the big deal?

- What's the matter with you?

Somebody steal your rabbit?

- No, I mean, you guys have this gift.

You don't even realize it.

You know what?

Congratulations, both of you are sex aces.

You're sex deities.

You're freakin' Hindu reliefs, okay.

I got to use the can.

- What, what'd I say?

- We've got to get him someone quick.

The boy is just miserable.

- [Josh] Hi.

- Hi.

- Yeah, I know you from in here, but--

- Yeah, you want my autograph?

- No, sorry.

- It was a joke.

- A joke (chuckles), right.

- Oh right, you're that clown.

- Oh, you recognize me, huh?

- Table three, right?

Almost didn't without
your other Musketeers.

- Oh.

You know, they're really not that bad.

They mean well.

- Oh yeah, like most men,

I'm sure their bark's
worse than their bite.

(Josh grunts)

- Okay, well, I was just
headin' out to the--

- Back and to the left.

- Bathroom, left?

Right, thanks.

(quirky music)

I made an ass of myself, simple and sweet.

I mean, it was clear that all she thinks

of me is I'm one of those clowns.

I just don't understand it.

I mean Sean and Tim, they
act like baboons, you know,

well-meaning assholes.

And I, who did nothing, get blamed.

They get laid, I get blamed.

I mean, well, granted, I mean,
Sean, he is a lady-killer,

you know, I mean,
swonderful and smarvelous.

And Tim, I mean, come on, I mean,

he would just buy her outright, you know.

"It's commerce, baby, it's commerce."

- [Therapist] Have you spoken with them?

- Who?

Oh, sure.

You mean about this?

You think it's a good idea?

- [Sean] Say no more, I understand.

- You do?

- Mm hmm.

- That's great.

- And what's more, I'm glad you came

to speak with me directly.

- Well, you know, my,

my feeling was that I should.

- Let me give you my spin on this.

What's special about you,
Josh, is you've got feelings.

- Huh?

- Not everyone does, you know.

I mean, not everyone shows them.

We've all got our insecurities, right.

- Mm hmm, even you.

- But take Tim, for example.

He's a hell of a guy.

Don't get me wrong.

He's a wonderful guy.

And underneath all the,

he's got a heart of gold,

but he's not in touch with his feelings.

He swears too much.

He's drinking all the time.

And to be honest with
you, he's kind of sloppy.

Now I'm not criticizing him.

I'm just pointing it out,

because I don't think it's
the best influence on you.

- You don't?

- [Sean] No, you've got class.

- Mm hmm.

- Style.

- Style?

- You've got feelings.

- You're not gonna start
singing again, are you?

- And you've got a sense of humor.

Women love that.

- They do?

- [Sean] Yeah, women go crazy for that.

Women will pick personality
in the long-run any day.

- Question, why do they always go

for looks and money then, huh?

- Supper girls,

(Josh grunts)

Bottom line, more than fickle,
women are practical, see.

They're willing to make compromises.

- So that's supposed to
make me feel hopeful or--

- Hey, you said you
want to play for keeps.

Now you forget about supper
girls, and guess what.

You've got a lot more
to offer than Tim or I.

(Josh grunts)

- Well, thanks, I think.

- Just zero down on
the right type of girl.

- Uh huh.

- Say a brunch chick.

Romance her with all of your feelings,

with your style, with your class.

I mean, she's out there lookin'
for you now, but she's lost.

She doesn't know how to find you.

- Maybe I'll just giver her a map.

- Exactly, case in point.

Who's in charge of the first kiss?

- Is that a trick question?

- Who's in charge?

The man!

Women's lib or no women's lib,

courtship is still traditional.

So you've got to gather up all

of your sensitivity and be direct.

Oh (chuckles) in this
crazy mixed up world,

I mean, no one's sure of anything.

But I know one thing
that's perfectly clear.

You know what that is?

(Josh grunts)

I want to kiss you.

(chair clatters)

That, my friend, is style in motion,

class in action, feelings perfected.

(camera beeps)

(feet thud)

(dramatic classical music)

(upbeat big band music)

(dramatic classical music)

(fast big band music)

(dramatic classical music)

- In this crazy mixed up world,

no one is ever sure of anything,

but I know one thing for sure.

(dramatic music)

I want to kiss you.

(dramatic music)

- Relationships, what's that?

Oh, I know, it's like
when a man meets a woman

who he plays with really well,

and then they get married, so
they can play all the time.

But then sometimes they fight,

and they aren't friends anymore.

(phone rings)

(phone beeps)

- Yello!

Hey, Tim.

What's up?

Oh, nothing much, the usual.

(woman grunts)

No, I don't actually.

Do you remember?

Hang on.

Vicky?

Vicky?

I don't think so.

So what are you doing up on
a Saturday before sundown?

The mailbox?

What's that a gay bar?

Huh (laughs)?

What?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, jackpot!

All of these?

You sure you didn't mix it
up with somebody else's mail?

- No, sir.

We hit pay dirt.

- Dennis, back me up.

- And some of them are great, too.

Check this one out.

"Dear Valentine, you sound
like a dream come true.

"I would love to meet you."

Blah, blah, blah.

"Only trouble is I'm into leather."

- Ooh!

- "What's a girl to do?

"I hope you'll make one little exception.

"I'll be gentle."

It goes on, but basically
that's the highlight.

Or hold on, hold on,
here's another one I like.

Marie says she hopes there are gonna be

bare skin fireside chats.

Look how she spells bare.

- I am so glad we decided
to help our dear friend.

Ah, dear friend.

- Oh yeah, uh huh, uh huh.
- "Dear Valentine, I hear

"in your description a man

"who has a great passion within,

"and I'm seeking that in my life.

"I'm not originally from New York,

"but ever since I came here recently,

"I felt a little bit lost.

"Maybe you could help
me discover the city."

Definitely in the yes pile.

- "Dear Tender Plaything,

"would you consider
joining a loving couple

"for a regular threesome."
- "Dear Valentine,

"I would love to meet you by
the fire for one of your chats.

"I sense your words would be as warming

"as the hearth."
- "I never thought

"I'd be writing one of
these letters but--"

- "I long to cut through
all these empty city nights

"and get to know someone
in every way possible."

- [Tim] "I have never done this before

"answered an ad but--"
- "Please call me soon."

(Tim groans)

(Sean sighs)

- The brave knight killed the dragon.

When the king heard the
news, he welcomed the knight,

and offered him his reward.

But the knight was as
noble as he was brave

and said to the king, "You're
Majesty, I seek not your gold

"but a treasure far more precious.

"I seek the princess' hand in marriage."

- Dear Doreen,

(typewriter clacks)

I know I only just met you,

(typewriter clacks)

but already--

(typewriter clacks)

- "Oh, but alas," said the wise old king,

"you have chosen the one thing
that is not mine to give."

"But it is mine to give, and
I give it with all my heart,"

said the beautiful princess.

And so she did, and I heard tell that

they lived happily ever after,

the end.
(typewriter clacks)

- Dear Doreen, I realize
I only just met you.

I realize, I realize that
this letter may seem--

- [Eddie] Dragons don't exist, do they?

- Mm, just in fairy tales, really.

Why, are you afraid of them?

- No.

- Good, all right, good night.

- But princes exist, right?

- Mostly, it's just in
fairy tales (chuckles),

but they do exist, why?

- I wish you had a prince.

(somber music)

- I do.

You're my prince.

- Dear Doreen,

(typewriter clacks)

I know I only just met
you, but already you seem--

♫ Show me wonders

♫ Show me times can change

♫ And I will believe

♫ That you love me

♫ That God is reachable

♫ I want to believe

♫ And the time can
change just one more time

♫ And time can change

- [Sean] "Emotions beyond the loneliness."

- "Sex beyond reproach."

- "Beyond all the empty--"

- "Meaningless--"

- "Meaninglessness."

♫ It's a different world

(Sean laughs)

♫ I'm a different girl

♫ I want to like it

- Yeah?

Hey, hey, what's up, Sean?

Yeah, I've been reading them.

A little desperate, aren't they?

I mean, all these people
trying to meet each other.

Why don't people just talk to one another?

We've probably seen
these chicks on the train

or the video store or the psych ward.

- Absolutely, it just proves my theory

that women are these sad, little creatures

so earthbound they can't
figure out how to fly.

- Wow, poetic, man.

(ball rattles)

- Ah, that's why I make it my mission

to liberate as many as possible.

Hey, you made your picks?

- Yeah, man, ready to go
to final qualifying round.

Also picked up a little
helpful interviewing tool

from a corporate friend of mine.

- Okay, bring it to the meeting tomorrow.

(ball rattles)

Hang on, would ya, I got another call.

Hold on, I'll get rid of 'em.

- All right.

(phone beeps)

Yello!

Oh hello, Mom.

Huh?

Okay, look, I'm on the phone with a buddy.

What?

Hey, will you just,

wait a, hey, hold on now.

Mom, Mom, I want to talk to you.

I'll be right back.

Mom, I want to talk to
you and hear what's wrong,

but I'm on the phone with a buddy.

I promise I'll be right,
will you just hold on?

(phone beeps)

Tim, I got to go.

- Probably another chick cashing in

on our get-out-of-jail-free card.

- No, no, no, it's not another chick.

It's my mom.

Yeah, she's in another one of her funks.

Look, I'll call you tomorrow, okay.

- Yeah, all right, talk to you later.

(Sean sighs)

(phone beeps)

- Hey, Mom.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, are you crying?

No, no, no, no, don't say that.

No.

Mom you got me.

Mom, I love you.

- [Tim] No, she's way too pretty.

- Pretty?

Let me see.

- No, it's not that, she's just--

- I know what you mean.

She's too--

- Obscene.

- What?

- Upscale.

- Obscene.

- Up, scale, upscale.

- Okay, upscale.

- She's upscale pretty.

- Of course, she's a supper girl, poppy.

- [Tim] I know what you mean, though.

You need someone more earthy.

- Earthy, exactly.

(speaks in foreign language)

What about her?

- Well, definitely the
opposite end of the spectrum.

That's for sure, but don't you think

she's a little old for Josh?

- [Sean] What's old?

It's an attitude.

- Or a bad haircut.

- Whatever.

- Oh, hang on, I liked her.

- Dude, she's scary.

- I mean, a little
manic, maybe, that's all.

- Manic?

Are you kidding?

You'd wake up one morning
to the smell of rabbit stew.

She'd be standing over you

with a knife saying, "I'm
not going to be ignored!"

(all laugh)

(speaks in foreign language)

- [Tim] Annabelle.

- [Sean] Dude, she is
way out of his league.

- [Tim] Christine.

- [Sean] From Crunch Fitness?

She'd kill him.

- Maybe I'll call her.

I mean, it'd be a nice way to go.

- What about Virginia?

- Oh no, remember, she's
looking for Mr. Smith Barney,

artists need not apply, remember?

- So superficial.

- I don't suppose I get a
say here at any point, do I?

- Listen, we are gonna
hook you up, Mr. Magico.

- Look, you trust this
man with your hair, right?

And why?

Because he's a professional.

- Likewise with us, experts in our field.

- Professional bachelors.

- Playboys, hmm?

- [Sean And Tim] Playboys!

- And by the time we
get finished with you,

("The Matador")

- Check, check,

check, check.

Oh my God, I think the first one is here.

(upbeat music)

- You're Fred?

- So, um, thank you for coming.

Did you have any trouble finding me?

No, that's good.

Well, you saw the ad and, um,

so what'd you think?

- Wow!

Oh, wow (laughs)!

- Wow (chuckles).

- So since the bastard wanted to explore,

I decided to help him
along a little, but good.

So I signed him up for NAMBLA.

- NAMBLA?

- You know, Man-Boy Love
Association (laughs).

Ooh, now he gets all
their mail at his office.

(Sean chuckles)

- I mean, so many men today are that way,

and you know what?

And yeah, call me the eternal optimist.

I still believe.

I think somewhere out there,

there's somebody who
has the values necessary

to father my child!

And oh boy, I'm gonna find him!

- But I write.

I mean, that's really what I do.

- Cool, what do you write?

- Poetry, mostly.

I perform, too.

I do a lot of my stuff, my own stuff,

you know, performance poetry

- [Tim] That's nice.

I like that whole poetry thing.

- Do you like poetry?

- I like limericks.

- I prefer haiku.

- Ah!

- Do you like to hear one of my poems?

- Sure.

- Death

(glass clinks)

called for me today.

But I screen my calls,

and he never leaves a message.

(funky music)

- Nice imagery.

- Thanks.

Do you know what necrophilia means?

- I mean, there are so
many toxins out there.

Our body, it's constantly being bombarded.

It's in the food, the water, the air.

It's everywhere.

I mean, think about this.

Our arteries, they're spackled closed

with the saturated oils,

and it makes an oil muck, like sludge.

Our skin, our skin, it's
filled with smog from the air.

Have you ever cleaned your skin
with exfoliants and cotton?

- [Tim] Not regularly.

- It comes away black, right
here, in the greasy T-zone.

It's the noxious gases.

That's why I'm detoxifying.

I mean, the value of a high colonic,

it's highly underrated in this country.

- Da da da da, the babbling airhead.

To make conversation, yada
yada, talking beyond the answer.

What a bunch of bullshit!

- Hi.

So we meet again.

Subtle.

- Right, hi.

- Very subtle, Josh.

I'm sorry I didn't mean to disturb you.

- No, no disturbance.

Oh God, hide the book.

- You know, it's funny.

You always seem to meet
people in bookstores.

I don't know what that's about.

That's nice and stupid.

- You mean like all the creeps

that try to pick you up in bookstores?

Yikes, the cold comeback.

What I meant was...

Never mind.

- All right.

- What brings you here?

- Actually, I work here, part-time,

not today, but part-time, yeah.

You?

- Actually, it's on the way
home from my son's school.

It gives me a few minutes to check up

on a few things for myself.

(Josh grunts)

- You write?

- Well, I actually
wouldn't call it writing.

I'm really interested in
the therapeutic writing

as a creative outlet for children,

physically and emotionally healing.

I just (coughs),

you're babbling.

I'm babbling.

- No, no, no, it sounds fascinating.

I bet you're great with kids.

- Well, I'm just studying right now,

and it's a part of my--

- [Both] Degree.

- Yeah (laughs), MSW, a masters in

social work.
- Social work.

Got it.

Congratulations.

- Oh, well, you can hold
off on the celebrations,

'cause I still have got a ways to go.

- Oh, you got somethin' to
look forward to then, right?

- Yeah, I'll be really
happy to be finished.

- No, I meant our celebrations.

- Oh (laughs), right, joke.

- Bad joke.

- No, yes.

What do you have there?

- Oh, this is, uh,
Letters to a Young Poet,

Rainer Maria Rilka.

- Rilke.

- Rilke, mm hmm, yeah.

It's a great book.

- Yeah.

- Oh, you know this book.

- No, I mean, kind of, I know his writing.

- It's a great book.

I try to turn all my
friends on to it, you know,

at least the ones I know can read.

And it's kind of like a life guide,

as well as being, you know,
inspiration for writers.

That kind of thing, so yeah.

- Mom, can I buy these books?

- What, honey?

- Can I get these today, please?

- Oh, sweetheart, I don't know.

- No, wait, let's see something, wait.

What do you got there?

- Cool.

- Oh, Eddie, this is, uh--

- Oh, I'm Josh, Eddie.

- [Eddie] Hey, aren't you--

- Oh, and I'm--

- Still Doreen, yeah, I remember.

- Cool, you're the magic guy.

(Doreen laughs)

- We just saw this magic show
at a birthday party recently,

and he can't get it out of his head.

- What that in your head?

- [Eddie] What?

- I said, what is that in your ear?

- Wow, cool.

- Oh my God, you are the magic guy.

I'm so embarrassed.

I didn't even recognize
you without your costume.

- What do you think?

I always walk around dressed like that?

- No, no, but I--

- [Eddie] Do it again, do it again.

- No, no, no, no, with
this coin, just once,

because this coin is truly magic.

If you keep it with you,
it'll bring you good fortune.

- Can I get these books, Mom?

- Hmm, I'll tell you what.

You pick out one, and then
you put the rest back, okay.

- Okay.

- Only one.

- One, huh?

Tough decision.

- [Eddie] Which one would you choose?

- I don't know.

Let's ask the coin.

This one.

- Cool!

- How did you do that?

- This one, Mom.

- Okay, put the rest back,
and then we got to go, okay.

- Okay.

- You're really lucky.

He's a great kid.

- Yeah.

Do you have any kids?

- Me?

- Mom, are you ready to go?

- Yeah, we should get going.

- Yeah, me too.

- Hey, maybe you could come
over to my house some time

and do some magic.

- Eddie.

- Well, Eddie, maybe not your place,

but I work in the park
on the weekends, okay.

So you keep the coin, all right,

and remember it's magic,
so don't spend it, okay?

- Okay.

Bye.

- Bye.

Bye, mom.

Wow, she's wonderful.

(upbeat big band music)

♫ The stars shine on you

♫ Heaven knows we're meant to be

♫ The stars above shine on you, dear

♫ Heaven knows we're meant to be

♫ They say you're the one for me, dear

♫ I believe they shine on me

♫ Moonbeams never glowed so brightly

♫ Hardly lit the skies above

♫ 'Til we gazed at the heavens nightly

♫ And saw that we were so in love

♫ You and I will see a shooting star

♫ Far above the Milky Way

♫ Then they'll know how in love we are

♫ What we have is here to stay

♫ Galaxies will come and go

♫ But you and I remain

♫ This I hope and pray and pray

- Snap out of it.

I'm not leaving you.

- Just leave me with a live round of ammo,

and I'll hold 'em off.

- We're in this together.

Hey, there.

- Hi.

(Tim sighs)

- Mom?

What are you doing here?

- All right, get a good night's sleep

for tomorrow, my little prince.

(gentle piano music)

- Mommy?

- Yeah?

- I love you.

- Oh I love you, too, a whole bunch.

Sleep tight.

(gentle piano music)

♫ Life is draining

♫ I'm contemplating

♫ Was it this I wanted

♫ Life's a riddle

♫ And I found that out too late

♫ Now my life is haunted

♫ I'm going around in circles now

♫ And don't know where I am

(phone rings)

(darts thud)

- Yeah?

Oh, Jennifer, hey, what's up?

Wow, I was just thinkin' about you.

- I mean, I had her right there.

And I let her go without ever asking.

What was I thinking?

I was just gonna magic her up?

I'm a loser,

a hapless loser.

- Don't you know how to
get in touch with her

if you really wanted to?

(somber music)

- Well, here's a surprise!

What's your pleasure?

- I was just looking for Doreen.

- Oh well, she's, well,

she's not in tonight.

- Oh, okay, thank you.

- Listen, though, keep
the fire in your eyes.

She'll be back on the Sunday day shift.

- Thank you, sir.

- Ah, drinkin' buddy.

- Tim, what's up, man?

- Lookin' for me, how nice.

- You all right?

- Sure, fine.

- Want to give me another
line reading on that one?

- I just came from talking to Jennifer.

- Now was that such a good idea?

- No, but then sometimes,
I'm none too bright.

- What happened?

- What didn't happen?

She called me out of the blue

and asked to meet today.

- And?

- She talked, I listened.

Kept thinkin' she was apologizing,

but it was never quite that clear.

I kept waiting for--

- Waiting for her to say she
wanted to come back, right?

- Yeah, I guess.

- And?

(Tim scoffs)

- Why don't we have drinks in our hands?

- I can't.

I got to, uh,

I got to, I got to have one.

- You're all right, kid.

You got heart, man.

Why don't you give me a hug?

And I hate women.

- I love you, too, man.

- Relationships, huh,

I hear and see it all as a bartender.

Let me tell you it's the rare person

who's drinkin' for pleasure.

All the men drink, and their
complaining is more bitter

than the alcohol, bitter
on the women mostly,

making jokes about how
they can't stand them.

And then they, meanwhile,
they ogle every one of them

that comes into the place.

And I get the women, too,

flirting with me for free drinks,

comin' out by the hordes on Ladies Night,

bemoaning the fact that men, they say,

are always trying to get
something off them for nothing.

Oh, and the grand talk through the booze,

one after another, and
they never taste it.

No one really knows what they want.

And they're not drinkin'
for pleasure anymore.

They drink to drown out each other.

But God bless ya if you know what ya want.

Stick with it and order
a full glass of it,

and savor it to the last drop.

Love is the real elixir of life.

But a nice brandy runs a close second.

(bartender laughs)

(upbeat music)

- Hi, is Doreen there?

Hi, is Doreen working tonight?

Hi, Doreen.

(Josh mumbles)

Oh, you're at work.

♫ She works at the coffee shop

♫ on Second Avenue

♫ I pass by, oh, I stop

♫ just to catch the view

♫ Through the window,

♫ I can see

♫ She's pouring coffee

♫ She's pouring tea

♫ Her lips move

♫ I don't hear

♫ But words aren't needed here

♫ At the silent, at the silent,

♫ At the silent movie

♫ It's a silent, it's a silent

♫ It's a silent movie

(upbeat music)

- Oh, hi.

- Hi.

- If you're lookin' for your friends,

they're not here.

- No, actually, I was looking for you.

- Really?

- Just all my life.

- Excuse me.

- What I meant was, uh,

I came here to give this to you.

- What is it, more fake flowers (giggles)?

- No, no, no, it's nothing
like that, nothing dangerous.

Actually, if you take it,

you can guess right away it's a book.

(Doreen laughs)

- Oh.

- Open it.

- I--

- Here, please, take it.

I mean, it's nothing.

It's just a...

- Letters to the Young Poet.

Wow.

- Oh please, it's nothing.

It's just a--

- No, no, that's so thoughtful.

- I just felt you should--

- It's very sweet.

Thank you.

- Oh, you just did

with that smile.

(gentle piano music)

Well, anyway, I guess should--

- Yeah, I have to get back to work.

- Yeah, you know what?

I was just wondering if, uh,
maybe, if you like Chaplin,

because I was thinking
that you and I could--

- Have a grown up rendezvous?

- Well, as grown up as can be.

- I'd like that.

- You would?

Oh, okay, great.

How about Friday?

- Friday's great actually.

Eddie has a sleepover,

oh, at Jeffrey's, remember, the party

in Jersey.
- In Jersey, right, right.

Okay, Friday.

Well, I'm not too good at this.

- Oh, well, uh, why don't
I meet you somewhere.

- That'd be good.

That would help, yeah.

- Okay.

Here, you, uh, write down the info.

- Okay.

So Friday at around seven, okay?

- Yeah, that's great.

- Okay.

I'll meet you at seven here.

All right, okay.

- Okay.

- All right.

See ya.

(Doreen grunts)

- Well, I suppose you
have to start somewhere.

(gentle music)

- [Sean] Congratulations,
you lucky monkey,

today is your big day.

Yes, that's right.

You've just won a date with
the dream girls of your life.

To qualify, just call me back immediately.

Offer limited, one per customer.

Dealer variants may vary.

Void where prohibited by law.

- Sorry, that was so rude.

- No, it's okay.

I'm really glad you're here,
so late doesn't matter.

- I actually can't believe I'm here.

- That's a good thing, right.

- I'm here, right.

- Right, right.

- Right.

(upbeat piano music)

- Limerence, let's see,

limerence is the act of falling in love,

'cause it's not love itself

but the process of falling into love,

which fills one with such sweet euphoria.

- [Waiter] Here you go, love birds.

- Limerence, that has kind
of a nice sound to it.

- Doesn't it, though?

(glasses clink)

(Tim grunts)

(gentle jazz music)

- [Doreen] So, since then?

- [Josh] No.

- No one even a little special?

- No relationships.

But you know, it probably has somethin'

to do with my condition, so.

- What's your condition?

- I suppose I should be honest with you.

It's focamechaphobia.

- Focamechawhatia?

- Focamechaphobia,

it's the fear of talking
to answering machines.

- Oh (laughs).

- Listen, listen, please,
it's no laughing matter.

It's a very serious illness.

It affects millions of people daily,

New Yorkers too.

How many times do you
come home to hang-ups

on your answering machine?

- Oh, all the time.

- See, my fellow sufferers.

- Okay, so what does this
have to do with relationships?

- The point is early
on, in any relationship,

it's bound to go to the
answering machine, right?

(Doreen grunts)

And then--

- Dare I ask?

- Okay, well, I'm glad you did.

Let's just say you have
a wonderful first date

with someone, right.

- First date, huh?

- Yeah, yeah, and you leave thinking,

"Oh, that was wonderful.

"The girl was so fun.

"I got her number.

"We had a few laughs.

"It was great."

And then, over the next couple of days,

you start doin' the
how-long-should-I-wait-to-call routine.

You know what I mean?

- I hate that.

Why don't you just call when you want to?

- Play along, be neurotic, okay?

- Okay, sorry.

- Okay, so the problem here
is maybe it's too soon,

and I'm looking desperate, right.

Or maybe I I've waited too
long, and I'm being rude.

Or maybe I've waited just
the right amount of time,

and she doesn't want to
talk to me anymore, why?

Because I get her--

- Machine.

- So what do I do?

- Panic.

- Exactly, focamecha--

- Phobia.

- Okay, now you understand
me a little better.

(Doreen laughs)

(gentle jazz music)

(woman moans)

- Wait a minute, wait, wait, wait.

(woman laughs)

So look.

- Yeah, I'm lookin'.

- No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no.

Why don't we wait, hmm?

- Wait?

- Yeah.

You know, sometimes, when
you rush into, you know,

and the next day, you know
what I'm talking about.

I mean, why don't we just take our time

and get to know one another,

you know, make it, make it special?

- That is so sweet (grunts).

- What can I say?

I mean, I thought we both
wanted the same things,

kids included.

Talked about it, so it
shouldn't have been a surprise.

But now we're both happy.

I have Eddie.

And he's on the fast track
of his corporate career.

God, a bit of seriousness in
a night of a lot of laughs.

I haven't laughed that hard
in I, I, I don't know when.

- See, that's the thing
about Chaplin, you know.

His comedy is never at
anyone else's expense.

He's always the misfit.

You know what I mean?

- That's true.

But actually I think you're to blame.

You're very funny.

- Wait, wait, wait, now, funny

in a clinical study kind of way

or funny in a warm and fuzzy kind of way?

- Like in warm and fuzzy.

- Oh.

- See, a lot of guys think they're funny,

but they're actually really annoying.

- Mm hmm, other other guys?

- Yeah, other guys.

I had a really good time.

- Great, I mean, I thought it would

at least be something different for you.

I'm sure you're used to being taken

to a lot of swell places.

- Listen, I haven't even been to a movie

or out with another adult in so long,

especially someone that,
well, someone so nice.

Thank you.

- You just did.

(siren blares)

- Look, would you like to--

- Wake up from this fantasy?

(Doreen laughs)

No, never, actually.

Maybe now I better be going.

- Yeah, good night.

- Good night.
- Good night.

- Good night, Doreen.

Doreen!

Uh, I, uh...

(dramatic piano music)

That was really good.

- Just good?

- Maybe I ought to just come up and--

- No, I think you were, um,
(coughs) right the first time.

- I hate when I'm right.

I hate it.

- But at least neither
of us feel rejected.

- Right.

Good night.

- [Doreen] Good night.

- Great night.

(Doreen giggles)

Go ahead, I gotta watch, make sure you--

- [Doreen] I'm all right (giggles).

- [Josh] She thinks I'm funny, wow.

(gentle jazz music)

(Tim groans)

- [Doreen] Hey.

- Hi!

See, safe and sound, in one piece,

which is more than I can say for my place.

- Oh no, was he unmanageable?

- Oh yours?

No, no, he's an angel.

It's mine who's the little monster.

- Well, thanks for takin' him.

Came in handy.

- So I gather.

These were outside your door.

- Oh wow.

- [Eddie] Those are a lot of flowers.

Who are they from?

- Curious George.

- [Boys] Curious George?

(women laugh)

- All right, let's just say
they're from a valentine.

And I'm gonna go put them in some water,

and then I thought,
since you're in the city,

we could just go to the park
and play for a little bit.

- Mm hmm, girlfriend, I am not
letting you out of my sight

until I get every last detail.

- Hey, Josh, you tryin'
to play hard-to-get?

Hey, I got three great
gals ready to meet you.

Hey, give a call, all right.

(gentle guitar music)

(kids giggle)

♫ Pardon me, I know it's rude

♫ But I couldn't help stare at you

♫ I never saw such a lovely view

♫ Tell me, how do I get a girl like you

♫ Hang on, baby, let me please explain

♫ All I seen today is clouds and rain

♫ But when you smile at
me, the sun broke through

♫ Tell me, how do I get a girl like you

♫ We may be strangers

♫ But maybe we could be friends

♫ And I can't walk away

♫ Wondering what might have been

♫ So tell your sister you got things to do

♫ Tell your boyfriend you met someone new

♫ Tell me I got a girl

♫ Tell me I got a girl

♫ Tell me I got a girl

♫ Just like you

- [Josh] And I heard tell
they lived happily ever after,

the end (chuckles).

- All right, little
man, it's time for bed.

- Josh, did you ever see a dragon?

- A dragon?

I don't think those still exist.

But tell you what, you know what,

a long, long time ago, Eddie,

there was a magician named Merlin.

The guy knew everything about dragons.

He was really good.

We'll save that for
another time, though, okay?

- All right.

- Okay.

- Hey, what do you say to
Josh for readin' to you?

- Thank you.

- Oh you're welcome.

You're welcome.

Good night, Eddie.

- Good night.

- Yeah, Josh, call me back, all right.

(Tim scoffs)

(phone beeps)

(Doreen chuckles)

- Hey, thanks for reading him a story.

That was really sweet.

- Thanks for lettin' me.

It was a lot of fun.

- Hmm, you're really good with kids.

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

- Eddie's a great kid.

He's very sensitive and
very aware and very funny

and has a great sense of fun.

- Yeah.

I'm really lucky.

- Luck has nothing to do with it.

He's every bit his mother,

except not quite as good-looking.

(gentle piano music)

(lips smack)

- Oh my gosh, what are you doing?

I'm scared.

Um, I just, uh, I'm really doing--

- Mm hmm, mm hmm.

- But these things always
end up badly, you know.

And I just--

(Josh grunts)

I don't have time for games,
but like I feel so good.

(Josh grunts)

(gentle piano music)

- [Sean] No, you're not getting out of it.

- [Tim] That's right, a deal's a deal.

You said you'd go through with this.

We held up our end.

- [Sean] We did a lot of work for you.

The least you can do is date them.

- Okay, Mr. Sentimental,
page 43, lingerie shot.

- Listen, guys, I really appreciate--

- Don't even try.

- That's right, don't even dare.

- I already met someone, man.

- I hate to break the news to you, Josh,

but you can't make a date
with your own left hand.

- Hey, speak for yourself.

Mine, if I don't advance book

and send flowers the next day--

- Yo!

- It's not pretty.

- [Josh] Yo.

- Okay.

Who is this fantasy chick?

Did you happen to catch her name?

- It's Doreen.

- Doreen?

- Who the hell is Doreen?

- Doreen, you know, the waitress.

(Tim laughs)

Listen, why is it so impossible?

- [Tim] Sean and I can't
even get in her panties.

- Don't you think you're
just a little bit out

of your league?

- League?

What league?

What does that mean?

- Look, a brunch girl, yes.

Dinner girl, I'd have to question you.

But her, come one, you're talkin' to us.

- What is it?

Because I'm a clown, hmm?

Don't I make enough paper?

I see a shrink?

I'm not like you guys?

What is it?

- Look, it's just a reality check, man.

- Reality, huh (chuckles)?

I'm a clown to them.

I'm like a big, old joke.

What is so wrong with me?

- You tell me.

- Nothing, you know, maybe I'm
not as good-looking as Sean,

or as professionally savvy as Tim, I mean,

but does that really matter?

- Does it?

- Hell, I don't know.

I mean, it shouldn't, but it seems to.

And the whole little singles
scene is filled with people

looking for perfection, you know,

money and perfect looks and
the whole little package.

I don't know.

Maybe they're right.

Maybe, maybe--

- [Therapist] What?

(Josh sighs)

- What can I offer this woman?

I mean, she is, she's a goddess.

What do I have that I could
possibly offer this woman?

("Tell Me it's Love" by Kirsten Price)

♫ Trying hard to reach you

♫ Trying hard to see

♫ How your thoughts could lead you

♫ To where your heart should be

♫ Nothing there could stand in our way

♫ Tell me now

♫ There must be something

♫ Something you can say

♫ Tell me it's love

♫ Tell me it's love you're thinking of

♫ Tell me it's love

♫ Hoo ooh

♫ Tell me it's love

- Hey, where's your drink?

- Excuse me.

- Your drink?

I thought you were gonna sit with us

and tell us all about yourself.

- Well, my guess is you
already know too much.

- Only when I dream.

- Or what your friends tell you.

- Don't look at me.

- Actually, that's true, you know.

Our buddy, Josh, told us something

very interesting about you.

- Here it comes.

- Oh yeah, get this.

He tried to get us to believe that he--

- He was trying to get us to
believe he had a date with you.

- Can you believe that?

(Sean and Tim laughs)

- Obviously, you don't.

- I mean, come on, give
us more credit than that.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

I forgot you were human.

(Sean sniffs)

But you know what?

Just out of curiosity, tell me.

Why do you think it's so ridiculous

that I would go on a date with Josh?

- Come on, I mean, as
much as we love the guy,

we know you're way out of his league.

(Sean snickers)

- Should I thank you for that?

- Hey, I meant that nicely.

- You have to appreciate
the circumstances.

The only reason why Josh
told us this little fantasy,

and mind you, nothing sexual was because--

- Was because we're tryin'
to fix him up on a date.

- Oh I see.

- In fact, we are fixing him up.

- Yeah, with three very nice young ladies.

- Three, huh?

- Yeah.

- Wow, I'm listening.

- See, it was all part of this deal.

♫ Don't say you want me

♫ Then turn around and walk away

♫ That's not the price I want to pay

♫ Don't say it's nothing

♫ Well when you're reaching for my hand

♫ Just tell me what I'll understand

♫ Tell me it's love

♫ Tell me it's love you're thinking of

♫ Tell me it's love

♫ Tell me it's love you're thinking of

♫ Tell me it's love

♫ Just tell me it's love

(Doreen sighs)

♫ Just tell me it's love

- That's great.

So glad you called.

Doreen, how are ya?

I'm fine, fine.

(Josh sighs)

(Josh sighs)

(phone clicks)

(phone rings)

- [Eddie] Hi, my mom and
me are playing in the park,

so leave a message, bye.

(answering machine beeps)

- Hi, Doreen, hello?

Listen, the reason, this
is Josh, by the way,

just in case you thought
it was a telemarketer.

Okay, you're still not picking up.

Um (coughs), okay, the reason
I'm calling is that, um,

I know my so-called
friends, Moe and Curly,

told you about the, uh, the dates and all.

Just please understand that
I hadn't been with anybody,

and I really hadn't found anybody

that was, you know, special

and that was, until, uh,

until I met you.

I mean, you know, I'd seen
you before at the bookstore,

but I never really, you know,
had the nerve to talk to you,

and it wasn't really until the
show, when I was in costume,

that I somehow had the
freedom to talk to you.

And, uh, like with this personal thing,

well, there again, I mean, you know,

it wouldn't be me anyway,

because it would be Sean
and Tim talking for me,

and at this point, I know
they're idiots, so I...

(Josh sighs)

What am I trying to say?

What I'm trying to say is

for the first time in my life,

I feel I need to listen to someone else,

namely, uh,

me, my heart.

I know I'm not supposed
to say stuff like this,

because I know we just met.

And the truth is I really am totally

grateful, because I feel
like you just gave me a gift.

And, um, this may sound corny, but when I,

when I saw you, and you looked at me,

I felt like for the first
time, I existed somehow,

and that's something
I'll treasure forever.

And look, for whatever it's worth,

I'm not go through with the
whole personal ad thing.

I mean, I'm just, I'm not.

I mean, let Tim and Sean
think whatever they want.

I mean, they're gonna anyway.

So I just wanted you to
know that I don't think

that would be fair to these women.

But I just wanted you to know that.

I guess goodbye, and
say hi to Eddie for me.

He's a really good kid.

- Eddie!

- Hello, Josh, you there?

- [Josh] Eddie, Eddie, you're home?

Eddie, is your mom there?

- Josh, yeah, yeah, she's right here.

She heard everything you said.

- [Josh] Oh brother!

Hello, hello?

Hello?

Hello!

- Hi.

- [Josh] You were there the
whole time, weren't you?

- I heard every word.

- [Josh] Oh my God.

- Call it shock therapy
for your voicamechaphobia

or focamicophobia or whatever (laughs).

- [Josh] I'm cured, I'm cured.

Although, nothing beats hearing
your laugh and your voice.

- Did you mean what you said?

- [Josh] Every stutter and stammer.

- Every word?

- [Josh] Really.

- Good.

- [Josh] Especially the part
about not being a contestant

on the Dating Game.

- No, I actually think you need

to finish this business with your friends.

- [Josh] Huh?

- [Doreen] You agreed to this
game for a reason, right?

- [Josh] I guess, but--

- [Doreen] Well, now you have
a chance to teach your friends

and yourself a lesson.

- It's the only way I could morally

go through with it, okay.

- [Doreen] And besides--

- You said you never
look a gift in the mouth

or whatever that was.
- I have a sneaky feeling

you might even like one

of the women there.
- Anything to see you

finally hooked up.

- You got it.

- And you both promise to back off

despite my final choice, correct?

- [Tim And Sean] Absolutely.

- And remember, birds do it, bees do it.

- Please don't sing it.

(gentle music)

- Oh, look at that.

(Doreen giggles)

(Josh sniffs)

(lips smack)

- They're good.

That's my boy.

That's my boy, do it.

- Yoo hoo, lover boy.

♫ Now that you are my valentine

♫ Valentine

♫ Summer's game and summer's wind

♫ Left those years behind

♫ Now I'm fillin' my life's cup with wine

♫ This fillin' up in time

♫ I knew I would touch the sky

♫ I knew I could fly

♫ Goodbye to those tears of mine

♫ Now that you are my valentine

(Doreen chuckles)

- All right, relationships

are like a good fairy tale.

They're simple and pure,

but you have to be willing to let go

and believe in the magic and the moral.

And the secret to that is
listening to the storyteller.

All right, you're not gettin' off so easy.

- Wait, wait, I--

- [Doreen] Come on.

What about you?

What do you think about relationships?

- Relationships.

(Sean sighs)

Let me tell ya about relationships.

♫ I knew I would touch the sky

♫ I knew I could fly

♫ Goodbye to those tears of mine

♫ Now that you are my valentine

♫ I knew I would touch the sky

♫ I knew I could fly

♫ Goodbye to those tears of mine

♫ Now that you are my valentine

(techno music)

♫ Sometimes she makes me wonder

♫ Sometimes she makes me hot

♫ Sometimes she got me
spinnin' round and round

♫ She knows she's got it like that

♫ Sometimes I get so dizzy

♫ We rock and roll

♫ She get busy

♫ She keep me guessin', real refined

♫ That girl, she's so in time, in time

♫ Call on me for your valentine

♫ Say you'll be, say you'll be all mine

♫ From now on 'til the end of time

♫ Say you'll be mine

♫ Say valentine

♫ Sweet things you say to me

♫ And the way that you move

♫ These memories of love

♫ Leave me without a view

♫ I love you, girl and how you shine

♫ I watch you smile a million times

♫ Keep me guessin', real refined

♫ Girl, you blow my mind

♫ Call on me for your valentine

♫ Say you'll be, say you'll be all mine

♫ From now on 'til the end of time

♫ Say you'll be mine

♫ Say valentine

♫ Say you'll be mine

♫ Say valentine

♫ Call on me for your valentine

♫ Say you'll be, say you'll be all mine

♫ From now on 'til the end of time

♫ Say you'll be mine

♫ Say valentine